Hey Sisters! To say that you are on my mind right about now is an understatement. I’m posting this on Thursday, February 11th but I’m writing it at 10:00 PM on Wednesday from the backseat of a rented Ford four-door “Edge.” My trusty (hard working) assistant, Michelle, is sitting right across from me and Todd and Maggie from Tyndale House are up front. We have had a break-neck day in Birmingham, Alabama at three different bookstores where I had an indescribable blast with women just like you. And, in fact, a number of them actually were you. What a great way to begin to picture roughly 6000 of you! All ages. All shapes and personalities. And every color of hair a woman can buy. I do dearly love a group of happy girls. Just in case you are under the impression that women who love God can’t have fun, stick around a while. We’d be delighted to help change your mind.
We are on a three-hour drive to Nashville and, by the time you read this, we will have checked into a hotel around midnight. We will get up on Thursday morning and head out to several bookstores and see many more of you face-to-face. An unspeakable privilege.
I am ecstatic that you guys have joined us for this journey! You are our particularly welcome guests if this is the first time you’ve participated on this blog. There’s just nothing like doing something healthy TOGETHER. When we go solo, the temptation to set a goal aside when it gets confrontational or challenging can be almost too much to resist. The accountability and community you can experience in a group with a common objective like this can make the difference between really doing the thing or wishing you had.
So, what’s our goal? As a matter of fact, a cameraman from a local television station asked me that very question today. I’ll tell you what I told him: the goal is for an insecure woman to open the book and a secure woman to close it. Nothing less than that. Humanly speaking, fat chance. But, if somewhere in these pages, we hear God speaking instead? Ah, then, for those willing to believe what He says, fat chances lose their weight and real changes takes their place. We’re not just looking to read a book here, Sisters. We’re looking to discover the kind of soul-deep security that stands fast in the floodwaters of this image-saturated society. It is time for a change.
OK, let’s quit talking about it and start doing it! Here are your assignments for Week One:
1. Write a journal-type entry on the inside cover of your book describing this present season of your life and why you’ve chosen to read a book like this. If you already have a relationship with God, write it in the form of a prayer. I do this almost every time I begin a book that I think could have a considerable impact on my life. When I finish the book, I always go back and read it and it ends up meaning so much to me. Listen, Sister, if you expect little, that’s probably what you’ll get. But if you expect something big from God when you start a journey and you posture yourself to receive from Him, even when frail human beings are thrown in the mix, you’ll end up with something huge. Something life altering.
2. Read the Introduction, Chapter One, and Chapter Two. Our first question is based on Chapter One: When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting.
3. This question is based on Chapter Two: what part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why?
To stay on schedule, you will have until next Thursday morning, February 18th, to answer this week’s questions so don’t feel that you need to rush. You have plenty of time. You will write your responses in a single comment to THIS POST. You’ll see other posts about other subjects follow this one over the course of the week. You’ll still return back to this entry to make your comments regarding Week One. This will be true each subsequent week.
Each time you enter into the discussion, please include the same general information as your initial sign-up: first name, city, age-decade, and whether or not you are single or married. You’ll find that our answers will be even more insightful as we set them next to our basic biographical information. Try to keep your responses succinct so that we can read as many as possible. Since there could be hundreds of comments – or even several thousand – you might consider reading the ones surrounding the same general time frame as your entry.
For all the rule keepers, no, you don’t have to respond every week or to every question. Grin. When you have something to say, say it! Don’t feel like it needs to sound profound. Don’t try to over-analyze unless that’s how you normally process information. Just share what’s on your heart and how God is dealing with you.
No matter your background, you are so welcome to take part in this journey with us. All we ask is that you treat your fellow sojourners with respect. I am honored to serve you here. My prayer and deepest hope is that you will encounter the One who came that you might have life and have it to the FULL.
Thank you for coming!
Lord, be magnified.
In His lavish love,
Beth
Deana
30
Single
Houston, TX
After reading Chapter 5, I reflected upon the roots of my insecurities. What came to me was this:
Issues with my image are rooted because for so many years I had to depend on what little strength and knowledge I had to love myself out of my own way of knowing since I was not shown how to love my body or love how God created me. I did not have bible study or understanding of just how much my God loved me as a kid. I was not told that I was beautifully, and wonderfully created. My father abused me physically and mentally throughout my childhood and through young adulthood. Not understanding love or loving myself, at 20 I could finally find what true acceptance was from someone who found me irresistible, or so I thought. I became involved with an abusive boyfriend at 20, and I depended on him to show me love and make me feel loved; that was the little girl in me searching for affirmation from the male sex; he almost destroyed me. Then, a miracle happened. When broken, and at the time in my life when I probably felt my ugliest, I came to God, and I did not pray for Him to love me and accept me. I prayed for His forgiveness. The night I did this, I woke up feeling like my entire body was on fire. I felt a holy flame burning in my soul that was healing and alive; this literal touch or presence of God with me, I think, was God telling me this is love, this is what you always wanted to feel.I felt such an amazing love from God the Father that I literally felt I was burning. My body was hot and my soul felt like it was being cleansed. I literally felt loved from God himself. For some reason, the intense fire, the flame of God's love, the holiest of love, so pure that I knew my sins were forgiven, was shared with me. I knew that God, the creator of all things, the one eternal love, had shown me love in its purest form, and I know he did that because I think I was really in need of love to be saved before I was ruined. This physical feeling of love made me wake in the night, wake up my father, and tell him God is real. He really loves us. I felt so much love inside of me that I hugged my father for the first time, genuinely, without feeling fake about it. I had been forgiven. God's love was so powerful that I was able to forgive a man who had hurt me more than anyone, my own father. I am not sure why I experienced this miracle or why God moved me in this way, but I know something really meaningful in my life was missing or had been misplaced or abused or lost, and I think God’s mercy allowed me to feel love I was not given because I had not done anything wrong to not be given love in the first place.
My insecurities grow out of not being loved by my biological father. My testimony now is an eternal relationship with my Father who is continually teaching me how to love and showing me love.
I posted right before you closed comments and I think my comment got lost. I will post again next time because I don't want to repeat my post if it was already on here.
Mary Katherine
Married
20's
Athens, AL
As a single woman in her upper thirties, I have often sought false security from my co-workers and bosses. Because I have focused so much on my career and have worked so hard, I have become somewhat dependant on the "atta ways" and "you're the best" and start to feel insecure about myself when I don't get them. Most people wouldn't describe me as insecure, it's usually the opposite because most see me as self-sufficient, but there are some I've worked with that I know I have drained. Yuck, I sound pathetic.
Marci
Wichita, KS
30's
Single
Rachel
Bellingham, WA
30's – Married
I wasn't planning to buy this book. Didn't really think I needed it (what a laugh!). But when I saw you were doing a blog discussion about it, I thought 'why not?'. And I sobbed my eyes out as I read chapter two. I SO need this book.
The descriptions that most resonated for me: constantly feeling in over my head, doubting God for using me at all, chronically conscious of self, and covering my insecurities with perfectionism.
Really looking forward to this "study" and excited to see what healing God has in store for me. Thank you!
1) My last struggle with insecurity was earlier this week as a friend of a friend was talking about an event she was invited to by our mutual friend and I hadn't heard about it. I began wondering and criticizing myself and the situation. Then I feel bad for overthinking the situation.
2)I didn't realize my level of insecurity until I started reading this book. The descriptions that most stood out to me were: deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in this world, unrealistic expectations about love and relationships and that insecurity's best cover is perfectionism – that hit home! I do these things but didn't realize it was because of insecurity.
Amity
Williamsburg, VA
30's
Married
Kristin from Oklahoma
20's & single
Beth,
I realize there are over 600 comments on here as of now, so I don't know if you'll happen to see this exact one, but as you described your own insecurities in chapter 2, I felt as if you uncovered some of the same deeply rooted insecurities in my own life that no one knows about, and that I didn't even recognize until now. I've had an extremely difficult year in a particular relationship, and all along I've told myself that I need to do what it takes to make it right because I can't stand not being at peace with others. And like you, this is even if I am on the right side of the conflict. This intensity has led to an unnecessary amount of pressure on the relationship, which, like you said, ultimately led to a "blow out."
Until now I've always only seen the "other person's problems" that brought on the conflict. I never once thought of this as insecurity on my own part. I know this book and study is divine timing in my own life (and undoubtedly the lives of many others). So, thank you for letting God use you in this way to speak Truth into our lives. You are a blessing to me and SO many others you've never even met. I'm looking forward to the rest of what God has for me through this study over the coming weeks. God bless!
I sat in our meeting watching everyone interact with one another. You had some ladies trying to out talk each other, while other ladies (me included) spoke as little as possible. The ladies out talking everyone, though they tried to show confidence really just showed their insecurity in another way. I was in the other group, the quiet ones. I prefer to sit and listen but on the inside I am wanting to share but fear always sets in. "What if they laugh? What if they dont like my ideas, What if I sound dumb? And so on.
Chapter two was very insight and very painful. I defintely fit in the second definetion of "unrealistic expectations on love and relationships. When you grow up in a dysfuntional family, you really don't know what a healthy relationship is. I let what others think or say set the tone for my day. (NOT GOOD AT ALL). I realize that I cannot make everyone happy and its okay. Its not my responsibility. I am only responsible for me. Cannot wait to see what chapter 3 and 4 are about.
Zonia
Texas
Married/40
I was disappointed when the book started off talking about women's insecurities with men, because that is so not where I am, or where I see insecurity play out in my life. But I was glad you really opened up to defining insecurity in so many different ways. The place I see it the most is between women–how we are critical of each other, how we compare ourselves to each other, and how we think we all have to meet some kind of unreachable standard of being the perfect mom, daughter, sister, friend, wife.
"Unrealistic expectations about love and relationships" really hit home. I expect perfection from myself (yup, you touched on that, too) and unrealistically expect it from others, as well. And, I like to think that I don't care what other people think…but I do. Way too much.
Thanks for helping me plow through this. My friend & I are getting together every other week to talk about it during our "Mother's Day Out." It would be every week, but that's precious Wal-Mart, Costco and Target solo-shopping time! 🙂
Melissa from Franklin, TN
Just turned 39 yesterday!
Married
Amanda
Columbus, OH
Married
#2- The most recent example of insecurity I have noticed was when I was at dinner with my husband and some friends Sat.night and realized that from the time I entered the door to the time we sat down I was comparing myself to the other women in the room. Ahhh! I am so grateful for this book, the women who understand, and the verses to help remind us to be free and secure! Praise God!
Amy
Hartwell, GA
30
Married
1) On Monday night when we meet for bible study. I lead the group and came home feeling like I wasn't a good enough leader. I was really doubting myself.
2) Harboring unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. Whoa – that really hit home for me. Never thought of insecurity as having that description!
Lonita
Landmark, MB Canada
30's & married
1. The last time I came face to face with insecurity would be every time I look in the mirror but the most recent crazy experience would be when a friend said they were going out for supper with some other friends and immediately I felt insecure. – we don't have anyone to go out with – maybe no one likes me and on and on the thoughts went. Such a simple comment from someone caused me to go into such a tailspin that I knew there is something here that God wants me to deal with. Thanks for helping, Beth!
2. Honestly the entire definition resonates with me. I am full of self doubt and therefore self consciousness continually. I'm not at all sure of my worth or value in the world right now. My confidence has been shot down and I have no idea whether my feelings or desires are legitimate. Man do I have it bad! :o(
Even though I am a woman who is old enough to collect the senior citizen discount at McDonald's, I still struggle with insecurity. Mine started at a very young age because my mother was "Betty Crocker" and my younger sister was "Betty Crocker–the next generation" and, guess what, I wasn't. My mother, whether she meant to or not, naturally gravitated to the child most like herself–my sister. She still does. So, the part of the definition of insecurity that resonated with me the most, is the part about fear of rejection. After all these years, I'm still dealing with that.
Like a couple of the others, I'm too insecure to write my prayer in my book so I wrote it in my journal.
1. Read questions before had read the chapters and couldn't think of a particular insecure moment even thought I know I'm secure all the time. Of course, since then have had many. Most recent would have been last night "facilitatin" our small Bible study thinking "what if no one comments? what if no one shows up?"
2) "lives in constant fear of rejection…a deep uncertainty about whether her feelings are legitimate" That's me.
Sharon
Glennville, GA
40's married
Blaire
Topeka, KS
30s
married
1. last night, even after reading the encouraging chapters yesterday afternoon. because someone made a comment which could be interpreted to mean that i am not "likeable". of course, that was not said explicitly. but I automatically go there.
2. harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. i know i do this in my marriage, but it has prevented me from celebrating the GREAT things in my spouse, and in our life together.
I've been thinking about these two questions for most of the week and still have doubts about answering them…does that count as being insecure?!
1) I've come to realize that I have been hiding my insecurity behind a veil of confidence. Most people who meet me wouldn't know that I'm an insecure, unsure of what-to-do or-say woman. Many Sunday mornings will find me trying on a number of different outfits so that I won't embarrass myself with either my color or style coordination!
2) The part of the definition that really struck a cord with me (and which I highlighted) is the self-doubt part along with the 'deep uncertainty about whether my own feelings and desires are legitimate.' It seems like I'm battling these two issues all the time!
Mama Beth, let me add my voice of thanks for you tackling such a complicated and difficult subject. I'm also doing the Daniel study, so I've also become aware of the Babylon society around me and how these two issues feed off of each other.
Judy
Oswego, NY
50's
Married
1. The explanation of insecurity verses sensitivity was very helpful.
2. I work part time as a registered dental hygienist. A 15 year old female patient entered my room and I hurridly clipped the patient napkin around her neck so that it would cover her exposed breasts! Very sad but oh so common these days.
Debbie
Hickory, NC
50s
Married
Well, I couldn't come up with a coherent answer for number one, but I'll take a crack at number two. It's not pretty: that self-conscious self that walks in a room and proceeds so size up the "competition". Who's the prettiest, who's the skinniest, who's the wealthiest. Sigh. Yuck! Lord, please deliver me from ME!
I'd better keep reading.
Kathy
Hendersonville, TN
40's
Marries
Heather
W. Lafayette, IN
30's (32)
Married
Answer to #2. The entire specialist's definition rang my bell. Reading it felt as though someone has seen me from the inside out and it was sort of a relief to have a term for my specific issue. But… "self-sabatoge" is the one that resonated most. At first, I didn't see it that way. Not until I began to answer the 1st question. It was difficult to think of specific examples of my insecurity, but as I began to type the settings out on paper where insecurity had "gotten" me, I saw the theme clearly: self-sabotage. In a flood, I could think of time and time again where I made a choice in a moment of insecurity that left me lonely and isolated.
Donielle
Mt. Holly Springs, PA
30s
married
1. I come face-to-face with this every day I go in my closet and try to pick out what to wear. I feel so insecure about my body and the way I look. I dread putting on those outfits….my mind goes crazy with thoughts of: "How does this really look on me?" "Will everyone think I look fat?" "How can I best hide myself in these clothes?" The thoughts just keep coming. I feel like my confidence in myself is at an all time low.
2. "Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships."
self-consciousness: bad body image. Constantly wondering what others think about me and how I "measure up" in a room full of other people. (Even though I know that most of them are probably not paying me one bit of attention, the thoughts still plague me.)
lack of confidence in ourselves: this mostly rears it's ugly head in my life when it comes to being a wife and a mother. I feel like I"m just not doing a good enough job. I think that my husband is disappointed in me as his wife. I worry that I will fail my 3 small children as their mother. My greatest fear is that they will be emotionally distant from me when they grow older. (All of these fears and insecurities stem from a bad home life when I was growing up. I still have strained relationships with my parents and siblings to this day.)
anxiety about our relationships: this is evident not only in my family relationships, but also with friends as well. I am insecure almost to the point of being paralyzed when it comes to truly being close with another person. I hold back and don't let anyone in for fear of being judged. It has hurt me in so many ways, but namely that I don't really have the confidence to share my struggles and personal pain with my friends. My friendships are surfacy, at best, because I am unable to open up and be vulnerable.
1. The most recent "insecurity moment" I had was on 2/15/10 when I put on a pair of navy pants and was not happy with what I saw in the mirror. I am learning to laugh at my slowed metabolism that creates a straight line from my arms to my hips but still desire to have a healthy body.
2. Whoa! Beth's quote "Insecuirty's best cover is perfectionism. That's where it becomes an art form" jumped off the page of the book. I lived the better part of my adult life trying to attain perfectionism in my job, my housework–it didn't matter what–I just over-achieved. Honestly, when I turned 50, it's as if God said, "Whoa my child, you gotta quit this craziness." I am much better than I used to be but cannot wait to see where God is going to take me as I go through this study with everyone.
Martha
Pelham, NC
50's
Married
1. A relationship with a guy friend of mine ended this week. I have been struggling with the thougths & feelings of what did I do wrong? Was I crazy for thinking what I thought? He was embaressed by me and that is why he kept us a secret and under cover, I wasn't good enough…and I'll stop there.
2. The insecure person also harbors unrealistc expectiations about love and relationships. These expectiations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious.
Joy
Houston, TX
20's
Single
When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting.
Does looking into my own mirror count?
Actually, upon thinking about this question over the past few days, the first thing that came to my mind was the face of my 12 year old niece. She is so insecure and I can see it in her posture and face and it breaks my heart. She has SO much potential and unless this is overcome in her, I don't know how she will live up to what God has in store for her. Her family situation has so much to do with it too. There seems to be no encouragement for her, only discouragement. And at this time in her life, this can be devastating, not just for her here and now, but for her future as well. I want her future to be so different from mine. I want her to be confident in who she is and what she can do. Perhaps as I journey through these pages with you all and find these same things for myself, I can pass them along to her, and her younger sister, and their cousin, as well as their mom's.
What part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why?
I have to say that I resonate with the part of the definition that appears on page 23, the first sentence of it reads: 'The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious.'
Been there, done that, and still do at times if truth be told. And I believe that it links back to page 17 and the part of the definition there that states: '…refers to a profound sense of self-doubt– a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world.'
I see both of those statements active in my life, but perhaps only as a starting point to getting to the root of it all. I can't help but wonder, for myself, where did this come from in the first place? How deep does this root go?
I still look in the mirror and see a distorted reflection. The image of myself as an unpopular outsider at school – grade school right on into high school, – and being naturally smart didn't help that. Being overweight. Chronic depression, undiagnosed or pinpointed until the age of 30. Need I continue? That is hard to shake after years of believing it, and living it.
Praise Jesus, though some the distorted reflection has been slowly clearing around the edges and working inward!
Lori from New Mexico
40's, married
1. Every day – every time I look in the mirror and find myself lacking; everytime I look at another person, and find myself lacking; everytime I look at my children's challenges and find myself lacking, eveytime I think of the perfect marriage and find myself lacking; evertime I want to glorify God, but find myself lacking
2. so much of the definition is how I feel that it is as though the author is describing my innermost being.
1.Every time I step out our door. My husband & I recently moved from 'the burbs'where we had lived most of our married lives to a small (pop.1,000)town a province away. In so doing, we left behind our young adult children=emptynest for the first time :(, our families and heart friends. Everything and everyone is new to me here but not new to many others. It's a real stretch for my introverted self.
2. Reading the definition and descriptions of insecurity I recognized most/all in myself. Being insecure is not a surprise to me. Being secure at the end of this study will be … liberating.
Karen
47
married; missing her 'kids'
sm. town Saskatchewan, Canada
I am so pumped to go on this journey…I constantly beat myself up about everything…it seems to be easier to take criticism than a compliment…I can "do" something to better myself with the criticism…I simply have to receive and feel the affects of a compliment.
Why are we like that?
I am still waiting for my book!!! Please hurry FedEx!! It is supposed to be delivered tomorrow! I don't think I will have two chapters read by end of day though. :o)
Praise God for everyone on this site seeking renewal of our self-vision.
I pray that I can see me how God sees me through Christ's blood.
Michelle
Cincinnati, OH
Single/No Children
36
1. I think it was – at least my own struggle with it most recent – was this morning. I was asked to do a phone interview/survey to help evaluate the effectiveness of a ministry I am involved in. It was a random pick. I immediately declined, then found myself contacted by email to set up an appointment for the phone interview. My first reaction was anger that my email had been mis-read when I declined, then immediate fear. It took a bit, but I traced the anger and fear down to the point that I am afraid that I won't have the "right" answers. It would be easier to do a written survey, but by phone, "live" as it were, it is too hard… I won't be able to do it, can't think on my feet, am too dumb, don't know enough, and will do it all "wrong." At least it isn't face to face or I would already be obsessing about what to wear!!!
2. What resonated the most of the definition and description what where you said, Beth, that you were uncomfortable with the place you do have in the world. The whole self doubt thing. That was what hit me this morning with having to do this interview thing. Doubting GOD about myself, and what He says about me is big for me. I mean, I was reading the first part of Eph. 1 this morning, and immediately caught myself saying to God, "well, you mean this for everyone – except for me." And of course I try to cover my insecurity by being a perfectionist. I can't even say that I am a "recovering perfectionist" like my friend, because I am not recovering at all…. I am COVERING everything over with perfectionism, and it's making me miserable.
OH, do I need this probing from God right now~ Thank you for doing this Mama Beth! 🙂
Heather
Mosinee, WI
30's
Married
Someone left a link to "for better or for worse" the other day because it dealt with insecurity, and lo and behold, "Baby Blues" is now on the same subject. I am not sure my link will come through as "clickable", you may have to copy and paste it in your browser. Be sure to click "next" to see the story unfold day to day.
http://www.arcamax.com/babyblues/s-695251-528173
A few years ago caught my husband viewing porn on the internet. He promised to change a lot of behaviors and got a friend to hold him accountable and pray with him. A few months ago I caught him looking at "soft porn" (women in bikinis, movie stars…)We have a wonderful marriage with a great sex life. I can see how much it hurts him when he hurts me. I keep thinking God has healed me in this area, but it continues to hurt. Why am I not enough for him?
I'm at this place because I've spent too many years looking for security in all the wrong places……all have failed! I'm ready to embrace "total security" in Jesus….In Christ Alone!
1. In general – within the church community/homeschool community – a seed bed for insecurity – I love being a *homeschool mom 🙂 however, in our quest to do the "right thing" in all areas of life, we all too often, inadvertently step on those around us and spread judgment far and wide.
2. Chronic self-consciousness – unrealistic expectations
* Time will tell if I'm right, however I believe my daughters have not/will not deal with the same level of insecurity I do/have. Homeschooling has meant they have more time surrounded by those who love them unconditionally, and fewer opportunities for "comparison moments", therefore they seem to be much more at ease and confident with who they are in Christ, as well as the world He has placed them in. This always astounds me and blesses me immensely!
40's/married
MN
1) I almost don't even want to share when my last encounter with insecurity was because FOR PETE'S SAKE, it was when I was standing in the bookstore buying THIS book. I thought I should really buy another book at the same time so that others wouldn't think that I was insecure or something!!!!!!!!! I was insecure about others thinking I might be insecure enough to buy a book on insecurity!! I am a Bible Study teacher for goodness sakes…what would people think? So, while I almost did not buy this book because I did not think I HAD insecurities…the LORD showed me in the store that I have more than I think…it looks like I bought this book just in time!!
2) The phrase about a deep uncertainty of own desires and feelings being legitimate. While I don't live in constant fear of rejection…I feel pretty secure in my relationships with everyone…except myself! When it is just me…even though I know the Lord has called me to do a particular service…or to use my talents…I invariably think…"But Lord, there are so many others who are so much more qualified…what do I have that could beat that?" So, it appears that my worst enemy is myself. I do have to say that the last time I asked Him that question, His reply to my question of what do I have that could be better than others, was…"Why ME, Child, you have ME!" Maybe there is hope for me yet!!
1. How about in the mirror? I know I am called to a particular ministry & yet, when the door is opened, I am riddled with fear that I will let down the woman who chose me and all the people coming to the event. I am in serious prayer about this…
2. the first part of the definition really resonates with where I am right now. The second half of the definition didn't seem to apply as much & then the realization hit me that it didn't because I tend to avoid relationships – too many years of bad ones and the scars run pretty deep. This realization alone made me see how much I need to deal with this issue in my life.
P.S. – can I just say a word about the journal entry inside the book? I was not secure enough to put it inside the book – don't want anyone else to read where I am just now, so I put it on a piece of paper and have put it inside the book.
Insecure? Apparently not at all…. 🙂
Cindy, St. Louis, mid-50's, single again
Janet
Lenoir, NC
30s
Married
I face my insecurities everyday, in every setting…at home sizing myself up in front of the mirror, at work with a department full of women, at church ("I really don't think I fit in very well here"), in front of the classes (and a really huge mirror!)that I teach at our wellness center ("Are they laughing at me?"), at Wally World when I run in to a friend or acquaintance ("Did I say the right thing? or "Why did I stand there mute?"). IT'S EXHAUSTING. I have to conclude that I experience a "profound sense of self-doubt-a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world" quite frequently. Not to mention my "chronic self-consciousness" and "chronic lack of confidence" that plagues me daily.
ML (or Marilee, if you feel you MUST!)
40-something and married in Maryland…
Q1 – but with a positive twist first… In thinking about the first question, I realized that my 15-year-old gave me a good example of the a success story that I am excited to share first. Her boyfriend was trying to pressure her into spending the entire evening with him last night, but she wanted to spend a bit of time with him and then go to her girlie-friends' house, where there was a sleepover that she wasn't able to stay for because of a babysitting stint (with her BELOVED younger sister – but I digress…) Anyway, instead of overly-concerning herself with his trying to lay on the guilt and twist her arm, she stuck to her guns, only stayed with him for a short while, and then headed over to her friend's house to have some good, quality girlie-time for the rest of the time she had. I was ecstatic that she didn't cave-in and do what he wanted, which would have meant her NOT doing what SHE wanted. PRAISE JESUS! she might not be the "doormat" I always was – and sometimes still am!
Now for a walk down insecure-memory lane – I think I'll just draw from my own previous insecurities… First of all, in a previous life, I just COULD NOT seem to function on my own – I just HAD to have a boyfriend! When I was dating someone, he'd ask what I wanted to do, and my response was always "I don't care, whatever you want to do" – now girls, we ALL know how much trouble that can get a young, single girl into! My very first "on-my-own" time came when I was 27 years old – can you believe it?! I had been in the Navy for almost 4 years, and suddenly, I was headed from the East Coast (Virginia) to the West Coast (California) for duty, and my boyfriend at the time was headed further up the East Coast (Washington DC) – I was officially going it alone – for really the very first time, since I was going to be driving. I looked at this as a great big adventure – and it was! I carefully planned my trip, stopping to see relatives in certain places along the way, and scheduling overnight stops at places I wanted to do some sightseeing. What I found was that once I was actually on the road, I found it nearly impossible to make decisions for myself – I simply wasn't used to it! I would be hungry, then starving, passing up exit after exit, all because I couldn't decided where I wanted to stop or what I wanted to eat! PATHETIC! It literally took me until I reached Salt Lake City, Utah before I was a little more proficient at making decisions on where to stop, what to eat, how long to stay, etc. THANK GOD I had that experience – I've come a long way since then, but it was a PAINFUL lesson learned the hard way!
ML (or Marilee, if you feel you MUST!)
40-something and married in Maryland…
Q2: "Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt – a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and our anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."
"… all it takes to be chronically self-conscious is to be chronically conscious of self." – WOW! Never thought of it THAT way before!
self-doubt – CHECK!
deep feeling of uncertainty about basic self-worth and our place in the world – CHECK!
chronic self-consciousness – CHECK!
chronic lack of confidence in ourselves – CHECK!
THANK THE LORD I don't have too much anxiety about my relationship with my husband – THANK YOU LORD for giving a man that is SUCH a blessing to me!!!
I have to say, I feel like the items I relate to above sort of ebb and flo with me – if I had to pinpoint only ONE, I'd say that generally speaking I never really feel like I "belong" – I mostly feel like an outsider looking in, trying to FIT myself in, and force myself into a position like a square peg in a round hole. The "chronically conscious of self" – I have tried over the past few years to try and be a chameleon, of sorts; I guess I figured if I LOOKED THE PART, I could fake people out that I truly FIT the part.
Shawna
Portales, NM
40's
Married
1. I am insecure EVERY time I go into the weight room to work out. Everyone is so in shape and I am not. Very insecure about my physical appearance.
2. I really thought I was pretty secure until I read the definition of insecurity. The part of the definition that really hit me was the "self-absorbed" and relationships-WOW! Big one for me! I am ALWAYS worried about hurting others feelings, pleasing others and wanting to be liked by others. This chapter was AWESOME and such an eye opener for me! I can't wait to read the rest of the book! Thanks Beth!!!
The insecurities I thought I laid to rest have been awoken. My family moved back to the US after three years in India. This book is a blessing as I feel so lost in all the expectation of being a wife and mom here. I feel so many insecurities ready to swallow me.
1)We left the mission field early. I am plagued with thoughts of failure…my insecurity of people looking at us that way.
2)Fear of rejections…not living up to other's standards.
Good gracious I am ready for battle! I want to feel with all my heart and soul that He is pleased with ME. So thankful for this book. I am also so thankful for you ladies…you honesty is a treasure!!
Whoa! I have been building up my courage to do this all week. Fear kept pushing me away, what if someone reads this & figures out it's me? But…I'm determined that I have got to conquer this monster. I am new at blogging so bear with me & here goes:
1. Like so many others of you I struggled with whether to do the journal entry on the inside cover. Who might read it & think less of me? But God has been bringing to my mind that somewhere down the line, I need to leave a spiritual legacy to my son and maybe one day in the distant future any grandchildren I may have. So I pushed thru the fear and INSECURITY and wrote my journal entry. Maybe the first step toward healing?
2. I have read & re-read the introduction & chapters 1 & 2. I so want to GET this! When was the last time I came face to face with insecurity? My whole life I have felt insecure! From childhood, thru teenage years, to first marriage, to motherhood, divorce, & now 2nd marriage. But my most recent face to face combat has been with my only child. He is 19 and really struggling. Went away last year to a wonderful christian college (i thought my prayers had been answered) met the WRONG girl and fell into a very bad attitude, flunked out, came home, having terrible family problems, went to counseling only to discover that he has had for the majority of his life a chronic depression and attention deficit disorder (that when he was a child I was told he would "grow" out of). I am most insecure that I was not a good mother and that was the one thing I tried hardest to do right. I feel like I have failed him.
3. What part of the definition of insecurity resonated with me the most? Alot of it did to varying degrees but the most profound "aha" I had was on page 17: "a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world". I have been a christian since I was 7 yrs old and raised all my life in church. I know (in my head) that God does not make mistakes, we all have a purpose, we were fearfully & wonderfully made, he knows the very hairs on our heads, etc. But deep down…deep deep deep down in my hidden heart….I feel like maybe God made a mistake this one time with me. I have never felt a real "purpose" to my life, used to think it was my son….. but…..
SELF-DOUBT would sum it up!
Thank you Beth for your purpose….I pray for you as teach us all!
Sherrie
Martinsville, VA
45
married
Missy
33 yrs old
Tulare, CA
Married
1. I was feeling really "secure" until last Friday when my husband came home and was VERY discouraged about work. I suddenly felt hopeless and discouraged, too. My feeling of insecurity reared its ugly head when my husband showed his uncertainty in a decision we made together. I realized that I place a lot of weight in how secure I am on my husband's shoulders.
2. What didn't resonate? It is painfully clear that although I acknowledged prior to reading this book that I was insecure I thought I was doing a pretty good job hiding it. After reading the definitions, my cover is totally blown! Specifically underlined thoughts were: Pg 17 Fear of rejection and uncertainty about my feelings being legitimate
Pg 19 Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. (Convicting!)
Pg 23 Unconsciously putting undue pressure on relationships (see answer 1).
Carolann
Kansas
47 yrs
married 27
#1) My father is a flirt. Seems like something happens every time we go out in public with my parents. Recently, at a coffee shop filled with college students working on their laptops, my father started up a conversation with a young coed at an adjacent table. It started out fairly innocent but ended with my him making a suggestive statement. The coed was clearly embarrassed as were the rest of us at our table (my husband and I, my mother and my newly married daughter and son-in-law). My father brushed off our reaction saying, "I'm just goofing around, I'm too old to actually DO anything."
My Mother has put up with this type behavior for 50 plus years and it breaks my heart. I can only imagine how far he takes things when his wife, daughter and grand daughter aren't present. My mom eats, shops and drinks wine to fill her hole of insecurity.
Here's the kicker:
#2) I deal with chronic self consciousness about my appearance. It drives my husband crazy! I've always thought I was fat even when I was 125 lbs. I've been 'watching my weight' since high school. Seems I only really feel confident about my looks when I'm getting attention from men. This goes way back I think, to my early experiences being my father's daughter. I only got positive attention from him when I looked the way he wanted me to look. I got LOTS of negative attention because I usually missed the mark. My hair never looks right, my clothes are wrong and my rear end is too big. He still wants to take me to the salon and tell the stylist how to do my hair, wants to pick out my clothes and tell me what to eat when we dine out. And sometimes I LET HIM! I'm still trying to be perfect for my daddy. I get so angry with him and myself but I still do it.
BTW- I'm 5'6" and presently weigh 160 lbs. I'm meeting my parents in FL in two weeks and guess what? I'm dieting!
Jennifer
Middle GA, 20's
Happily married
Daughter of the King
Hi everyone!
reading some of these posts, I wonder- what does God have to say about these insecurities? He is not silent on these facts! 🙂 Psalms 139 says "HE knit me together in my mother's womb….i will praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
That being said, I would like to share with you two things I find interesting about insecurity. First, lotsa men are more insecure about their insecurity than you brave women are! How do I know?
I am in a doctoral program at New Orleans Seminary and am one of three women. I am about 1/4 of the way through and God and I have worked our way through this terrible stronghold that had overtaken me. I am one of three women in the program which means I am perpetually the only woman in any particular course. Not only that, many of the courses are formatted in a CIV setup (with interactive video cameras so students and professors can see the different locations that are set up across the country). Invariably, the men in the class will make a comment or ask a question, which means the camera is focused on them (imagine WIDE screen tv in the other classrooms showing your face about four feet from the camera). Invariably, one or more of them will say "please get that camera off of me!" These are men with 20+ years of ministry experience in areas like atlanta or chattanooga filled with large churches. I find it so interesting that these pastors or ministers worry os much about appearances as well. Don't fear, ladies, men struggle too.
The second thing I have noticed about insecurities is: when I view these comments, for some reason the cookies on my webpage warns "this page contains both secure and non-secure items. Would you like to display only the secure items?" that makes me laugh- what if our mind had a similar filter…"would you like to display only the secure items?" This is what 2 Corinthians 10:5 states, by the way, that we have a choice to take captive our thoughts to submit them to Jesus!
I am a Christian counselor in middle GA- I have seen every type of stronghold and insecurity known to man… From Atlanta families who wish they didn't live in one of the most label-obsessed places in the south, to farm girls who wish they could move to the big city. it is heartbreaking, especially when I know Christ died to set us free from this junk!!
You ladies are brave- keep loving the Lord and loving His word
Peggy, Cheyenne, WY
50's, single
1. I have been in a situation with my BFF where I was feeling well, forgotten, ignored for a couple months. I saw her in yesterday and she sped off in her car and didn't even glance my way. I went home feeling devastated. I walk in the door and there was my copy of "So Long Insecurity." God isn't always subtle.
2. The part of the definition for insecurity that resonated with me the most was chronic self-cionsciousness. I have often felt that when I felt most insecure was when I was being focused too much on myself and my own needs rather than the truth.
Michele M
Liverpool, NY
40's
single
MamaBeth – I just got my book in the mail!
I'M IN IT!!!! You used one of my comments!
(Picture me dancing through the house and telling my dog – she wasn't nearly as excited).
That makes me so happy – published with my favorite Bible teacher!
I shared that fact with some friends, but I refuse to say what page mine is on. Is that insecurity?
In the immortal words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper – I am colon capital D.
1) The last time I came face-to-face with insecurity was on Valentine's Day evening when I was to go out on a real-live DATE with my husband (without kids!) Whenever we get to have a few moments to myself, I feel like I want to look a little extra-special, but after 7 years of being stay-at-home mommy, I've kind of forgotten how to look anything but frumpy (there you go, insecurity showing itself right there.) Anyway, EVERY time we have a second together, I try to make sure I look like at least I tried- a little extra make-up, some pretty perfume, maybe some heels instead of my standard flip-flops. And every time I can't begin having a good time with him until I know that he's noticed me. I want him to tell me I'm pretty, and if he doesn't, I'll hint in some self-derogatory way that I need him to tell me so. "I tried on 10 outfits and still don't feel right," or "My hair just wouldn't do what I wanted tonight." Sometimes he gets the hint, sometimes not, but I HATE that I need that from him to feel okay about myself. (He passed the test on Valentine's Day, BTW!) 🙂
2)The part of the definition of insecurity that most resonated with me was when it mentioned a "chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships." This is me to a T. Especially about anxiety in relationships, namely, my marital relationship. My husband and I joke (though it's not really a joke) that of all the guys I've ever dated, I ended up with a man who has a terrible time making me feel reassured and noticed. I think I've begun to come to realize that God purposely put me with such a man so that I'd rely wholly on the truth HE says about me. So I'll know that all I REALLY need is my Savior. Otherwise, it might be easier for me to make my marriage and my husband my "god." Though it's a difficult thing, I'm learning my way through it. On the other hand, he is supposed to be my partner and lifemate and love, and it's hard to not FEEL that a lot of the time. See how I fluctuate? 🙂
Jennifer
Sun City, AZ
30's
Married
I am blessed by this opportunity to read this book with a good friend, and all of you. God is using it to show me how far He's taken me, and where I have yet to go!
1. I'm in school, in a program that is largely comprised of women. There are a lot of us high achievers. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do well, ESPECIALLY for God's glory, and yet I think that an obsessive need to achieve points to an insecurity about HAVING to do everything perfectly. Even if you're not in school I think you can see that one play out a lot of places. 🙂
2. The part of the definition that sticks with me is "…a deep uncertainty about whether her feelings are legitimate." I need to continue building my confidence by listening to what GOD says about me (and the direction He wants me to take in life), rather than what other women have to say about it. The better I listen to God, the more confident I grow in my own ability to discern His will (rather than seeking the opinions of others).
Becky
Warren, RI
Single
20's
I, on a daily basis struggle with insecurity, most recently I was in a store looking for a cooking magazine. Amongst those magazines were others that had tall, beautiful, skinny women with hardly any clothes on. How can I compete with that??? Of course I stopped and began to feel pathetic because I don't feel i am pretty compared to other women.
Unfortunately, every part of the definition of insecurity applies to me! sad huh? I never realized how insecure I am until I read that defintion!! Lord Jesus I need help!
1. My pre-teen eldest daughter came home from church a couple of weeks ago so worried about whether her clothes were cool enough and if the other girls liked her enough because of what she wore (which, by the way was every bit as cute as what the other girls were wearing!). Insecurity can begin young!
2. I really identified with the chronic self-consciousness and with the deep fear of rejection and the uncertainty over the validity of feelings and desires. I am FAR too conscious of myself in most social situations, probably because I'm so afraid that if I do/say/think/feel the wrong way I will be rejected. I think an intense period of rejection by peers in junior high which coincided with my parents' divorce, still has me crippled when it comes to friendships with other women. I'm ready for Jesus to heal me!!!
2) My Mother had a stroke on Sunday and I was at the hospital with my Dad. I am the youngest of 3 girls, and My sisterl live far away and I live an hour and a half from my parents. I was the only one at the hospital with my Dad and I was feeling very insecure about what questions to ask the Doctors and how to get good care for my mom without being too obnoxious. My insecurity is in that My oldest sister is a hospital social worker and she is the best one of the three of us in dealing with things like this. I explained this to My Dad and begged him to fly down here, to which he said, (in the most loving way possible) "we don't need her here because you are here so put your big girl pants on and deal with it!!
Tammi
46
Lee's Summit, MO
married
Insecurity has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It has dictated major decisions and, although I don't quite understand the root of it, I can surely see the stinking fruit it has born! Lately, I've been struggling with my ability to homeschool my children properly–are they getting everything they need? Will I ruin them? Why don't I get up earlier, work harder, be more gentle, loving, blah, blah, blah…the self condemnation is a downward spiral. It kind of lends itself to answer question 2… "insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt– a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and place in the world."
Kori
late 30's
Trevor, WI
Married w/3 boys
The part of the description of insecurity that most resonated with me was self-doubt. I don't see myself as being gifted or possessing any of the gifts of the spirit. I have a hard time thinking that God can really use me with all of my "issues". I know that we serve an awesome God, and he can use anyone especially the least of us. Praise the Lord! I am loving this book, as well as the Study of Esther that we started last Thursday! They seem to go hand in hand! Thank you Beth!
The last I came face to face with our genders massive struggle with insecurity.
Just yesterday I went to a Ladies clothing store, mind you a Plus size store. I saw myself in mirrors all over the store and in the dressing room. I was on my lunch hour and when I saw myself I thought I looked so frumpy and my clothes looked faded. I work in an office where I am expected to dress professionally. I tried on clothes and my body just didnt look good in the new clothes either. As I looked at myself while trying on clothes, I felt utter disgust. Why doesnt having a nice or at least decent body come easy for me? I did buy a few things but it kinda put a damper on my day.