Hey, Girls!
I am sitting in the passenger seat of my man’s blue Ford truck with a bird dog’s head on my shoulder heading west to cactus country for a few days. Do you remember that place I told you about where I have to hike with a shotgun because of all the rattlesnakes? Yep, that’s where we’re headed. I don’t think I told you that Keith only lets me have one shotgun shell (thanks, Adrienne!) per walk so I only get to run into one snake at a time. For those of you who have been around for a while and are wondering, yes, we have Star, our Border Collie with us, too. She’s too busy looking out the window trying to herd the traffic to snuggle with me though. It would be tough to type with both on them on top of me anyway.
I’ve been thinking about you every single day. I have no idea how many of your comments I’ve read. Tons. Because we get the whole week to finish the assignments, I can read a certain amount almost every single day. I’m getting to keep up even better than I’d hoped. I really thought this would be a neat experience but you have surpassed my expectation in your answers and insights. The transparency is so incredibly refreshing. So many wonderful things have hit me in the last two weeks as we’ve gone through the first four chapters together. There’s one eye-opening and troubling thing I want to talk to you about before we proceed to our assignments. I’ve been touched by how many of you (thankfully) confessed that you even feel insecure about your comments and about whether or not the other women participating will think you’ve said something lame. Others mentioned being scared they’d misspell a word. As we seek freedom from God, let’s not let the enemy mess with us that way. Let’s not give over one inch of extra ground to the very issue we’re trying to escape.
What do you say we make this discussion stream a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE? What do you say we make a conscious choice not to compete with one another? Not to judge one another? Not to try to measure up to one another or feel less or more than the other? We have to put up with all that trash almost everywhere else a group of women meets up. We can make up our minds not to have to put up with that here. We are smart women. We can determine to share our struggles, challenges, and victories over insecurity without feeling insecure about them. Talk about double indemnity! In Jesus’ Name, let’s make up our minds to treat one another with respect but not give a rip about trying to keep up or compete. Even while we’re on our journey to freedom, let’s make this community a microcosm of what we hope, when it’s behind us, to find and to become. I can’t think of a better place for us to practice making up our minds not to let circumstances or people draw out our insecurities.
I esteem you highly and find you so entirely interesting. What I’ve learned from you already can’t be overstated. I have become increasingly certain over the last two weeks that God is up to something BIG among us. Bigger than I first thought. In fact, I can tell you this. There’s no way we came up with this. God is pursuing us. He’s setting us up to get sick and tired of our insecurity and to do anything we must in order to find wholeness in Him. Let’s not stop Him in any way.
Oops, I got distracted for a minute. We just stopped at a Valero’s near Llano, Texas, for a bathroom break and Star started barking her head off at a man minding his own business and walking into the store. “What on earth is the matter with you?” I asked. (To Star, of course. Not the man.) Then I saw what he was wearing. Short shorts with winter white legs and black socks. I think Star is terrified by black socks against bright legs. Somebody tell me why that dude didn’t feel insecure. Not really. Don’t get off on that. But admit it. It’s a mystery.
OK, so let’s get to this week’s assignments. We’ve reached a very important point in our journey. We’re about to dig up eight deep roots of insecurity. No, we’re not looking for excuses but a little understanding can go a mighty long way. Haven’t you ever wondered why it dogs you so? You may be about to find out. This week I’d like for you to give special attention to Chapters FIVE and SIX. Here are the two questions I want you to answer here on the blog:
1. After reading these two chapters, what do you believe to be the TWO primary roots of your struggle with insecurity? Keep in mind that more may apply but try to lock in on two that you believe to be most impactful.
2. What, if any, insight did you gain about the roots of insecurity and did you sense that God was trying to speak to you in any specific way through it? (This answer does not need to be limited to the two roots you identified in the previous response.)
These may sound like simple questions but I promise you we will have some interesting reading this week. Go to it, Girlfriends! I can’t wait to hear from you. Remember, you have until next Thursday morning to make your comment. By the way, a number of you have asked if women can jump in late with us. Absolutely! Any time. Everybody’s welcome.
Here’s a special challenge this week: Let’s still hear from all of you who’ve been commenting over the last two weeks but let’s ALSO hear from at least one hundred of you who have never posted before. Remember, this is a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE. Get in there and learn how to make a comment and if you find it posted later and see that you misspelled a word, who cares? This journey will mean ten times more to you if you get all the way into it. Come on in and participate. This is a really cool group of women.
Come, Lord Jesus, and minister to us. Open our eyes. Open our hearts. Grant us signs of great freedom and healing even this week as we discover where our insecurities may be coming from. We know, Lord, that no flesh and blood can bring us what we need. If we come out of this with liberty, all glory will go to You alone. I love You, Father. Do Your Thing.
~Devin~ 
1) I think my first root of insecurity comes from rejection. I always felt distant from my mother. When I was not more than 10, I found out I had been adopted by my grandparents. As I grew older, I realized her hurt and pain she must have felt but as a child, I couldn't understand. I have never been able to handle rejection.
I didn't realize until this week that my second root is pride! When I read this chapter, God revealed to me what my real enemy has been.
P.R.I.D.E.
2) Because of what I have already shared in my first answer, I will continue. I have been feeling a sense of prayerlessness and uneasiness in leading in my Bible study. I love to teach so this is devastating for me! It was while I was reading the sixth chapter that I began to see myself. My insecurity had raised it's ugly head in an area I was sure it could not affect. Thank you LORD for restoring my soul! How can we NOT love Him!
Devin
Birmingham, AL
20's
Single
Marci
Single
30s
1) Rejection and Pride
2) Infidelity ended the most significant relationship I have had. Its been over 10 years and I have managed to stay single because I use the excuse that I haven't met "mr right". Recently, I met a guy in my church and dated him for 4 months and we fell hard and fast for each other, but when I felt like he might be pulling away (he wasn't of course) I bailed. I blindsided him and ruined a great thing. I realize after reading these two chapters I that I've consistently rejected relationships with men because of my insecurity and pride in not letting it happen to me again. I'm ready for this to change…I'm no spring chicken..shoot,insecure statement. Caught it though! 🙂
My first root of insecurity is my parent's divorce when I was in 7th grade. I read my mom's journal and knew she was having an affair before they even told us they were splitting up. We lived with my dad, and 4 years later, my mom moved across the country. Didn't know how that impacted me till I had kids of my own, and my own marriage growing pains to work through.
My other main root of insecurity was losing my dad to a tragic car accident when I was 26 years old only 2 years after I had gotten married. Rocked my world.
But I want to say that when I was 32, I started Bible study for the first time at my church. Changed my world. Through many of Beth's studies, I learned so much about the Word, and learned so much about ME! Even though the studies might have been on John, or the Patriarchs, or whatever, God used that to reveal to me these insecurities and started dealing with me slowly and gently. I have been a work in progress and I am happy to say there has been MUCH healing. God is so good to me. This Beth is why I love you so much. Through your obedience to God producing these studies, this little life of mine has changed forever – for the better!! God is so good.
40s
Married (still after 20 yrs! yay)
(first time post-er 🙂
1) personal disposition and p.r.i.d.e.
2)Before reading these chapters I would have just said personal disposition..I get my feelings hurt too easily…I'm too conscious of myself and how others view what I say/do….I have a little OCD.
But then as I reached the section on pride, with every sentence I thought "oh my gosh, that's me, THAT'S me!" In chapter 2 this hit me…. "insecurity's best cover is perfectionism". It's coming together like a puzzle.
If I had made a list of sins I struggle most with, pride would have been extremely low on the list. Now I am seeing it is right up top…and it is causing much of my hurt feelings and insecurities.
I've been a Christian since the age of 8. It feels quite ridiculous that I haven't kicked these issues yet. I know Jesus and what He can do in me. Why I don't just claim it…….
(well, I guess that's coming in your later chapters 😉
My insecurity might seem minor but nontheless here it is: my home. As an Interior Designer, I get to help others bring their homes to perfection. But due to an extreme financial situation, our home cannot be the beautiful place that I envision it to be. I panic and worry about what people will think when they come over. Isn't an Interior Designer's house supposed to be gorgeous?
I once read a quote from an older woman who said she wished she had thrown more dinner parties instead of worrying if the carpet was vaccumed. I aspire to have that attitude.
South Texas
Married, 33
Deborah
50
Married
New Milford, CT
Question one: Instability in the Home and Personal Disposition
Question Two: Insight, I can not go backward to fix the circumstance, but I can go forward leaning hard and fast on the Lord Jesus. He can give me perspective that reigns in eternal values and purposes. He assures me that all things work together for good to him that loves him and are called according to his purpose.
Being reared in a family of eleven, with mom having all of us by the time she was 36 years old and dad a daily drinker with off days a heavier drinker there was chaos in our family seemingly constantly. Alcoholism was never a term used and then denied when faced as a possibility. My dad was an alcoholic! My mom was an enabler! Her frustrations were seemingly vented on us through physical abuse. I believe her anger toward the situation magnified the punishment for the childish things we did that should have gotten a less severe reaction. I remember having soap in my mouth for so long my mouth became raw no matter the tears and muffled pleading she refused to allow me to take it out. I remember the horse whip that left marks that went up my legs in a braided black and blue pattern and because of the bruising I was made to wear pants in the summer time. I exaggerate not. With physical abuse there was also the sexual abuse, though not by the hand of my mother. My coping skill well used and used often is what the psychological books call dissociation. When frightened I used to go to a safe place removing myself emotionally and mentally from it but leaving the shell of me behind experiencing the “stuff” to this day I have gaps of memory that at times are very frustrating. Then at thirteen rape from a family member, the trauma handled with the survival skill well used as it worked so efficiently. My only aspiration was being old enough to escape. But one day I bawled and bawled as I read a book, I think the name of it was called; A Man Named Dave, by Dave Pelzer and found my story was less tragic in comparison. It is a Story of Triumph and Forgiveness. If God could through him could work his work, I waited in anticipation for this same workings in my life.
Because of the purchase and reading with much hope of coming to a greater healing as I take in and apply the information written within the pages of So Long Insecurity: you’ve been a bad friend to us, you can deduce I want desperately to come out from hiding behind this computer and live my life before and among people.
Hence insecurity…both genders… “The gender of the person who originally made us feel defenseless will often continue to make us feel either defenseless or inordinately defensive until we are restored.” pg 67 My hope is complete restoration! I have glimpses by faith of this restoration and know that nothing is impossible with God and am stepping out by faith into facilitating Bible Studies. And Ladies you are going to be proud of me in that I am stepping into the role of getting a group together for a Simulcast in our area!
Please realize, speaking up and at a decimal to be heard is not my forte. I am coming out of my shell though. Willing to face the “fear” staying connected knowing God is with me withers ever I go and I can be strong and of good courage.
1. My first root came years ago at the hand of rejection and closely tied to that is pride in it's lovely shape of perfection.
2. god is so speaking all through the pages of this book on many,many levels. I will note the "light bulb" moment of learning that perfectionists can actually be striving to be better than others. I have always put myself down while trying to be perfect. With knowledge now must come change.
Janae
40's
Riverside,PA
Married
1) Instability in the home and pride.
2) God is talking to me about perfectionism and letting go — letting go of my expectations for self and others, and trusting Him alone to meet all of my needs.
God is in control!
Hi, Siestas! I heard a song by John Waller (he wrote the theme song for "Fireproof") and thought it was AMAZING for this journey (and for anyone BREAKING FREE!).
Here's how to find it…
GO TO: http://www.johnwallermusic.com/music.php
Scroll down the play list and listen to the song:
"OUR GOD REIGNS HERE"
Be blessed!
Teri
VA
50
Married
1. My two primary roots of insecurity come from a very unstable homelife and early childhood sexual victimization by the adult son of my much loved babysitter(who moved away unexpectedly when I was only 4).
If you pile on top of that the fact that I was the unexpected baby only 14 months after the death of a much loved toddler sister – you realize you don't stand a snowball's chance in a very hot place of having any sense of self worth.
2) You know Beth, it was the first time I realized that God chose where and who I would be born to. I didn't pick them nor did they pick me.
Whatever my cross to bear is, He must know that with Him, I can bear it and make it beautiful.
I want so much not to be always wandering around with that large basket everyday trying to collect bits of security from everyone all the time. That is the image I have…of a beggar…needing that basket filled at the end of the day.
Thank you for being honest about your own struggles. That's why I just love you so much. You struggle alongside us.
I thought it might be helpful to see the lyrics to the song link I sent earlier. Found them! Here you go!
OUR GOD REIGNS HERE
Spirit of death
You have no place here
I command that you leave
In Jesus' name
Spirit of fear
You have no place here
I command that you leave
In Jesus' name
You're not welcome here
So go, just go
Spirit of doubt
You have no place here
I command that you leave
In Jesus' name
Envy and jealousy
You have no place here
I command you to leave in Jesus' name
Go back from whence you came 'cause
Our God reigns here
Our God reigns here
We claim this ground
In Jesus' name
'Cause our God reigns
Our God reigns here
Our God reigns here
The battle's won
Have no fear
'Cause God reigns here
He reigns here, our God
Anger and rage
Guilt and shame
I command you to leave
In Jesus' name
Depression, anxiety
Addiction, infirmity
I command you to leave
In Jesus' name
Go back from whence you came 'cause
God reigns here, there's no doubt, He has overcome the world
Our God reigns
Jennifer in CT
married
30's
1) significant loss & pride
2) Right in the middle of Ch. 5 my application for a PhD program got REJECTED. I know I can't throw away my confidence. It will be richly rewarded. I need to persevere so that when I have done the will of God I will receive what He has promised. But how to tell the difference between perseverance and desperate action? Praying to be guided by the Holy Spirit.
Sherri
Perryville,MO
41
Single
1. Instability in the home due to the fact my parents did not show love. They provided for me, I am sure they do love me, but they can not show it with the words or actions, such as a hug.
2. Rejection from my husband who left me for another woman, left me to raise our son. I have been in two other relationships that have also involved me being left for another woman.
Funny how the other areas such as a loss or change don't affect me in the same way. I have lost my grandparents and two close friends; I do miss them, but know they are in heaven and with their heavenly Father. Change, bring it on! It may hurt for awhile, but it usually gives me a chance to grow and I want to grow to be the person God meant me to be.
1.) I think my insecurity roots itself in rejection. I know as a young girl I felt rejected all the time by my very best friends. I struggled so much with it and even now I have such a hard time creating real relationships. Wow, would I like a good friend again—I just need to get over the fear of rejection. Also I think instability in the home and a lot of affect on me. My parents fought a lot. My dad was an alcoholic (2 years sober now! wahoo) but I think I never could count on anything from my parents and so now I have a hard time trusting people.
I am going through a study with my church called Free. And it is about being Free in Christ and it is so timely. Freedom in Christ requires freedom from being insecure. They have everything to do with each other.
I found this quote today "real freedom is being able to live in the truth in spite our our circumstance. It is living with and structuring our lives around hope"
Jen Potter
23
Cincinnati OH
Just finished reading chapter 5 and 6 this morning. Prayed before I even opened the book. God speak to me. Wow!. We hear about pride all of the time. Today God shot and arrow straight at my heart and said that is at the heart of your insecurity. No sooner having asked God for forgivness than a situation occured in my home. My responses I realized for the first time were all revloved around rejection and my ego. Pride showed itself one more time. Really showing me, that God's truth is really what I need. I am so thankful to a wonderful God who will show up and help you fix things that are wrong in your life when you ask Him to. How blessed I am to have a God who loves me so much.
Kim
North Carolina
Married
40
1. My primary two roots of my struggle with insecurity are poverty when growing up and dramatic changes. The latter one is probably the biggest and fattest root of all. I grew up in the Soviet Union, and being a German was called many names, incl. fascist & nazi etc. Kids in my class would hit me, spit in my face… It was really awful. Then at the age of 14 my family was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and move to Germany. But instead of feeling like coming home, it was even more devastating to realize that the German people did not like us that much. Again we were not accepted, and what hurt even more was that they called us now the "Russians". And this sense of not belonging anywhere has never left me. And no matter where I live or work, there's still a deep & big root that tells me, I do not belong. I'm so grateful that God is not like that. That he accepts and welcomes me, no matter where I've lived, no matter what I've been through, I am always welcomed there. That's so HUGE to me.
By reading these last 2 chapters I've actually put a name to that root of insecurity and I was able to start asking God to heal me. Beth, thank you so much for including these topics in this book!
Meggie, Winnipeg, Canada
40s, single mom
Kelly
Married
47
Wisconsin
First time user – blogger
I don't know a woman who isn't insecure – personally I have hid my insecurity behind a mask of 'everything is fine' – choosing to not share my deeper thoughts and feelings with anyone, but instead letting a hole (the size of Texas no doubt) take over my innards. This hole is only now being filled by God and by Grace and by truth. It seems as if insecurity finds its roots in girlhood and without some form of help it continues into womanhood and just sits there festering. Why is this, that girls have to have it so hard? Why is it that we are intimidated and afraid to share our insecurities? Because I believe we are fearful of being judged and turned away and becoming gossiped about. This is a sad thing and maybe – this website – although somewhat impersonal is a start.
Lisa from cogan station, PA, married in my 50s
1) Ifound that I had a tie for 2 place insecurities stemming from rejection and deep loss. Neighborhoods can be the source of all kinds of good stuff but one summer it undid some of heart by being rejected by my group of neighborhood kids. Deep loss buried me for years after my firstborn daughter died from cancer at the age of four and a half.
2) However, first place goes hands down to pride. Holy Cow! It caught me by surprise and shot me through so that I am still reeling from it.
I have at this time just completed my first week of the revised edition of Breaking Free. On the third day, the question is asked if we have ever had a hero taken from us. I thought and thought and well, let me just cut and paste what the Lord revealed to me that day. I journaled it then:
"Not having anything to do with the So Long Insecurity blog but perhaps EVERYTHING to do with it, unbeknownst to me, I have been brought to a critical point of understanding in my life. I have begun the Breaking Free revised edition this week. After only three days I find myself digging and uncovering an astonishing truth. Ugly, but the truth nonetheless. I am my own hero.
After reflecting on how Isaiah must have viewed King Uzziah, as a heroic figure of power and majesty, Beth asks if we ever had a hero taken away. I spent some time just trying to figure out who I feel is a hero to me. Think…think, think think….and then I was overwhelmed with the truth about the answer. Here is what I wrote in my study book:
“I think I sit here as my OWN HERO. This is an enormous revelation to me at this very moment in time. I feel nauseous. I look at all of my life and what I feel I’ve overcome, and accomplished and honestly and truthfully have exalted myself to some kind of great gal! My pride is bloated and each time it is pricked I become angry and I become indignant. I become arrogant. And when at last I see that I am not what I crack myself up to be, I lose my hero-myself. I can’t give (won’t) to Greg when I should—hero dying. Can’t give to Mom—hero dying. Disappoint the kids—hero dying. Result—depression and self-loathing.”
Following this, comes a quote from Oswald Chambers that is significant to me concerning this. I am still pondering it and wondering how it will ultimately impact my life.
“Our soul’s history with God is frequently the history of the ‘passing of the hero.’ Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood for me all that God was, died—I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or—I saw the Lord?
It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. “In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee.” Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision.”
That hero, my proud self, clouds and misrepresents God and His work and purpose. What if I see God’s Word without (and His Character) without the filter of MY PRIDE? How would that affect me? IT IS A MUST!"
1. The primary roots of my struggle with insecurity are; rejection and personal limitations. When I am rejected by someone that just sends me into a tailspin of personal doubt. Questions like, did I offend them in someway? Why don't they like me? What is wrong with me? Then I become very hesistant to begin a new friendship because I fear that the rejection will happen again. Personal limitations is my other stumbling stone. I must say at first my MS physical limitations really affected me in a very negative way. I was my harshest critic and many tears were shed. Finally I got to a point where I could say and believe, with God's help, that yes, MS has required me to do everyday chores differently. However, different IS NOT BAD it is just different. I say that I am handi-capable NOT handi-capped. I am not so hard on myself anymore, but without God's help, I could have easily slipped into the mire of selfloathing, pity, depression. I can see myself as becoming incredibly insecure with the new me. Thankfully, He pulled me from the mire and set me down on solid rock. 2. God spoke to me about our culture, which I try very hard to keep myself away from entirely. I have more difficulty trying to not let it affect our children. They are constantly bombarded by all the techno-gadgets. They probably think I am the wicked witch of the West and their Dad is an Ogre. However, we truly believe that they don't NEED all of the gadgets, we have allowed some, but not ALL. God has already dealt with me on the issue of pride. I am constantly aware and try to recognize it, confess it ask for forgiveness from God. I run from pride as fast as I can. CHALLENGE: To let the healthy,utterly whole,and completely secure part of me to increasingly overtake my earthen vessel until it drives my every emotion, reaction and relationship. Andrea Montana 40's married.
I've been doing exactly that…letting myself be intimidated by the other comments on the post. I've been reading the chapters and answer questions to myself and I get ready to type in my answers, but start reading the other posts and think my answers don't measure up. Oh, how silly I am being. I want God to heal me and do His work in me, but then I'm not allowing Him to fully work b/c I close myself off or rationalize my way out of it. Please pray for me that I will quit doing this! I'm going back right now to post my answers to Weeks 1 and 2! I'll come back and post on here as soon as I'm done reading chapters 5 and 6!
1. The two "roots" that get me the most are "dramatic change" and "pride."
2. I realize that I have a lot of “roots of insecurity!” I didn’t realize what an insecure person I was until I started reading this book! 🙂 One thing that really resonated with me was the part about dramatic change—“changes that change EVERYTHING!” I totally agree with Beth’s comments on p 80 that “God uses change to change us.” He did that to our family about 1 ½ years ago when He picked us up out of our comfort zone & moved us 3 hours away to a tiny town in East Texas…away from our family, friends, comfortable jobs, and everything “normal.” I know that God blesses obedience and my husband is truly being blessed in his ministry as our worship pastor, but I have been very stubborn and have not “embraced” the change so easily. I so want God to “finish the masterpiece He started in us” as Beth said, but I don’t always enjoy the process to get there. Why do I have to be so stubborn?
Oops…I keep forgetting the name, age, town thing…
Kim
Malakoff, TX
30's (for a few more months)
Married
Dear Beth
I hope I am not breaking the rules, but if I don't ask this now I will forget….
I am on chapter 11 because I am so ready to conquer this battle that I just had to keep reading and God is revealing so much to me. On page 205, you say "there's something about a man of conviction–whether he belongs to us or not—that makes the most dangerous kind of unhealthy women want to break him."
I was wondering…do you think the same is true for women of strong conviction? I personally am a ministers wife and just wondered if men are the same way in trying to break women of conviction over others? I do feel like I have to be very guarded on this matter b/c I have felt this problem coming on from men. I don't feel like my friends (at least they don't tell me) struggle with protecting themselves from men trying to ensnare them as much as I feel like I do. I am very guarded with High Walls of protection…I just wish the arrows didn't come so often. I don't not dress in a tempting way, I try not to be overly friendly to men, but I still feel that evil lurking around me. I would love to know what you think.
Married
25
TX
Knowing and deciding what is important and being consistent and moving toward the goal. I fear myself and wake up with prayer with verses that keep me straight with God and one day hoping they will sink in and I will just wake up with the peace He wants me to have and go out with confidence in the world without a doublemindedness.
Kelli
CT
30
Married (for 100 days today!)
1. Roots: Pride and rejection.
2. The more I dug into my roots of insecurity, the more I realized this: Though the roots WERE the product of a real seed, they would have never grown (or grown as deep or lasting) if God had been the gardener. Instead, they grew in worldly soil and choked the seeds of Truth. Seeds of unstable home environments, significant losses, rejection, dramatic changes, personal limitation, personal dispositions, pride and our culture are everywhere. Seeds always have the chance to take root, and more often than not, they do. The crop depends on Who you're letting do the gardening…
Here's to Godly soil!
Dionna
Idaho
Married
Late 30's
1. Dramatic Change & Personal Limitations. I went from a pretty sheltered, very structured Christian upbringing to a dysfunctional adult young life. I maried someone with a young child and I was immediately a custodial stepmom at 23 with A LOT of tension, yelling and emotional baggage coming from outside our marriage.
I went from being a very secure, focused young woman to constantly being told everything I did was wrong (not by my husband.) I cried a lot of tears. And I had personal limitations in what I could do and who I could be.
It was a long battle but by the grace of God we made it through to the other side and I'm finding my self-esteem again and loving getting back in touch with the person I know God created me to be. It feels so good to be "me" again yet I know I'm stronger, more compassionate, and more open-minded because of what I went through.
2. God has just been showing me that insecurity is not of Him. I want people to love me and be pleased with me, but ultimately I can't own someone's thoughts over me.
And my main fuel is staying plugged in to God's Word and His wishes for me and having true "purpose" as you said in chp. 6. That purpose & vision in life and being able to impact lives for Him whether through my writing, on mission trips, or personal relationship – drives me, excites me, and fulfills me.
When I was reading through all the possible sources of insecurity, I wasn't sure I was going to know when I found "the one", but I ended up finding two :).
1. Personal Disposition-I am a sensitive person, have been since childhood.
2. Pride-the quotes from Winter and Cooper described me to a tee!
Not sure if these often go together, but in my case they jumped off the page at me. I'm praying with hope that God will use this new found knowledge and some tools from your book to change me with regard to my pride and grow me with regard to my sensitivity (as I am quite sure He meant for me to be this way).
Thanks Beth, for posting the pics of your place. I was trying to imagine what it was like. I am glad you have a place like that to go and be with your man and our God. I'm hoping for a beach getaway someday!
Wendy
married, 39
Glendora, CA
Well, I didn’t have to look far! The roots of my insecurity are instability in the home, coupled with rejection/abandonment. Although I’m dealing with a healthy serving of Pride (with a capital P) too. Here’s my story…. My parents met in college, got married, and had 5 kids in 8 years, before they really even knew what had happened (I’m number 4). I think my dad still longed for his youth and that college lifestyle, because he became a college professor, and while he didn’t seem to enjoy us kids much, he loved hanging out with the college students. I remember as a little girl that he often hosted weekend parties at our house for his students – complete with beer kegs, loud music, police visits, the whole nine yards. We lived in a Mormon town, and the behavior I saw at home from my dad was 180 degrees different from what I saw in my friend’s homes; it was very unsettling. I just wanted normal. In my early teens, my parents marriage inevitably went downhill, and my dad had a string of “girlfriends” and basically started living an open marriage in front of all of us. Yes, it was bad as you can imagine. When my mother had finally had enough and complained, he told her if she didn’t like it she should just leave, and so she did. She left on a weekend while I was gone on an end-of-the-year school trip. I remember arriving back at the school and one by one, every kid was picked up by a parent, and there I was, the last kid still waiting in the parking lot. My older sister eventually showed up and took me home, but no-one told me that “mom left” until I asked where she was. I was thirteen, crushed, and a complete mess, totally devasted by being seemingly abandoned by my mother. My father had never been a loving “dad” to me or my siblings; his attitude seemed to be that he was going to do what made him happy, and if we didn’t like it, well that’s too bad. And now we were alone at home with him. After that summer I moved in with my mom, but I don’t think I ever got over that sense of abandonment and my realization that of my two parents, one didn’t want to take care of me and the other simply couldn’t. Even at the time my mom left, I knew that she did the best she could to handle the horrible situation she was in, but her leaving still hurt. My teen years were spent in an absolute pit – seeking affirmation in all the wrong places and ways, playing the part of a carefree girl to mask my inner brokenness. Yuk.
Insights??? I almost cried when I read pages 102-105. That desperation for significance, to be noticed, is such a big part of me. It’s reassuring to read that it is God-crafted, and that He alone can satisfy that need. “In the radiance of His greatness, we are made great.” I also loved the point that “mustering up our pride is not the answer” – although Beth said this in response to our culture’s assault on women, I know I have often “mustered up my pride” to falsely offset my sense of worthlessness. And I’m happy that God can jerk those roots out in a second. Honestly, I have come so far in healing from all of this and I know that I am going to come out of this journey rid of this insecurity.
Love and hugs,
Adrienne
Week 3 Questions:
(1) Two Primary Roots of my Insecurity:
(a) Instability in the home (my mother constantly threatening to leave my father) and (b) rejection (mother telling me as far back as I can remember that she didn't want me, I was a mistake, an accident, not meant to happen).
As I raised my own children (who in all honesty I have to say through God's grace, had a better Mom than I did), I kept in mind that a mother's words (and actions) have tremendous power and influence.
(2) The insight I am gaining through SLI, the fabulous honesty of my sisters on this blog, prayer, God's grace and the love of a good Christian man is that no earthly person can give me that missing love. It HAS to come from God. He is the only one who can love me perfectly. I must lean into His love and trust that He is always there and always loves me.
PS lest you all worry about my relationship with my 87 yr old mother .. . I have forgiven her for not being the mother I needed and deserved. We have a good relationship albeit not as close as the one I am blessed to have with my own daughter.
Lynne, 61, married in Oakland OR
You wanted 2 areas but I would have to say that at this place in my life the only area I am secure in is my salvation.
Instablity in the home:sometimes parents staying together can be worse than divorce. Mine put us through horror.
A significant loss: I lost the only family member that loved me unconditionally and wasn't afraid to show it when I was a teenager then in college I was raped by a minister.
Rejection I seldom had a date and certainly not for my prom.Plus girls were just down right MEAN making fun or excluding.
Dramatic change: when I was a teenageer we lost our land and home and had to move. Personal limitations: I never heard either of my parents say "I'm proud of you" and still today nothing I do pleases them. Personal disposition: I have a frail compassionate heart that breaks not only for myself but also those around me. Throw in a big ole' dose of pride and perfectionism (I can't please any one including myself) and you have a gigantic mess of insecuriy that has followed me well into adulthood.
I'm so insecure that I won't make a facebook page because I don't want to deal with high school acquaintances who will want to shoot the breeze all the while I'm thinking you ridiculed me and treated me awful and now you want to chat like nothing ever happened!! Can't deal with that right now. Plus the 30 extra pounds I'm sporting now just makes it all the more unbearable.
Insight did you gain about the roots of insecurity: relieved to know that there is a root. I have tried to tell myself all these years that everyone has "stuff" and that I just need to get over it. But to see it one paper in your book and know that those terrible things did have an impact that needs to be dealt with and not swept under the rug.
did you sense that God was trying to speak to you in any specific way through it? Yes, I can't control the past or things that other people do to or inspite of me, but I do have control over how I respond and how I let it affect me.
Look forward to reading on. You are a brave soul to be so transparent not only for the sake of saving yourself, so to speak, but to come rushing at hell's gate in the name of helping all the rest of us out here. THANK YOU!!!
Janice
60s
Married
1) I believe that the two primary roots of my struggle are personal disposition and pride (and just a little because in my 60 years I have never been able to please my mother, but maybe that's pride, too.) I feel and experience things with much intensity whether is is joy or sadness, like Beth said in a previous study I'm just a big exclamation mark!
2) I feel I have gained a great deal of insight about the root of my insecurity. Having to admit that being prideful is a big part of it is a bit freeing. All my life I have wanted to make everyone around me happy, meet everyones needs, and have everyone like me, it's exhausting.
3) What I sense God saying to me through this week's study is, "Let Me be your security",I can begin to see that it's a burden to heavy for my husband to bear and in the past I have expected him to fill that role.
Dear Beth,
I have been reading your blog for a long time and an avid Bible Study-er for years now with you. I just finished reading So Long Insecurity and goodness knows it was right on time.
Last night my little 8 year old girl was craving a little time with her mommy and she said right in front of her little 5 years old brother (my son Lucas), "Mom, let's go read upstairs, and I don't want my annoying brother to come either! I am sick of him!" Of course his little face crumpled and the tears began to flow. After talking to both of them and getting the problem solved in the usual way, Lucas was off and running and fine. But Rebekah was not. Tears began to flow in big plops, not even touching her cheeks, they were so heavy. She said, "I try and try and I am never good enough. I am always just evil. I want to be nice but I just can't." The conversation broke my heart when she then shared with me a letter she had written to God in her own prayer journal. Here it is:
Dear God, I love you so much. Please come into my heart. I need to be a better person. I have been doing my best but I feel like I am NOT doing my best. I am doing what I should BETTER but I still am not doing what I think I should, better enough. Please help me to be a better person.
Love, Rebekah
This note surprised me and broke my heart all at once. To be 8 and already so burdened. We have not said these things to her, they are coming from within. Such a deep ache. I prayed with her because at the time, words of encouragement escaped me, and I wanted her to know Jesus loved her and knows her heart. To remind her that she is his treasure. That just because she does wrong things- God has approved of HER- just not her sin.
It is one thing to battle insecurity yourself. But when you see these things rising up in your very own daughter at such an early age, you just want to get out the big guns, and fight with all you have. I am already turning back to the beginning to re-read. Thank you for writing this. Please know that I do want to "show a wide eyed little girl what a secure woman looks like". With God’s help, I will. I have a feeling He wants to break this habit in BOTH of us!
Sincerely,
Mindy (Rebekah & Lucas’ Mommy)
My primary root comes from a legacy of criticism about my appearance and social skills from my mother. The cautionary tale is that she was and is an attentive Godly woman. That imprint of criticism is powerful and dangerous. Also, I grapple with pride that comes from wanting affirmation.
40 yrs in Louisiana
2 biggest roots- a sensitive disposition and dramatic change. All my life, my parents have admonished me for "being too sensitive." I have tried numerous times to toughen up, but this chapter helped me to realize that it is just part of who I am.
The dramatic change for me has been moving to a new state after residing in one for 20 years. I have been very timid about reaching out for friends. I've also felt rejected so many times when people didn't seem to like me or didn't call me or whatever. The interesting thing is, I can be mad that these people don't call me, yet I ignore the fact that *I* am not reaching out either. I loved the whole section in Ch. 5 on rejection. It helped me to see that it can be purely PERCEPTION and not reality. It makes me realize that I am so hung up on MY feelings, instead of realizing that someone ELSE'S feelings are out there, too. I know that something that will help me is to get out of myself and turn outward, looking to others' needs. I know this is what God desires.
My daughter brought home this verse from Sunday school and it was so timely for me: "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:10
Robin
Cleveland, Tn
Married
50's
1. We can only pick two when I want to say all of the above. But I will choose Personal Disposition – I cry so easily, at commercials, movies, weddings you name it I cry. My cat of 19 years died in October and if any one asks about him I still cry, I want to cry now just thinking about him. Being too sensitive to things is not what I would have thought of as insecurity, but if it is it nails me. The other one I would pick would be Dramatic Change. I didn't attend church before I met my husband. When we started dating and got married I joined the church, but I waited 5 years till our son was baptized. His family had been in the church for generations, we knew that we were not getting feed spiritually. but we stayed in the church for the children and to avoid conflict with his mother. We kept getting put in situations where we knew that it was time to leave, but we stayed. Finally a problem happened where I felt we had no choice and we left the church. I was hurt and felt that God no longer loved me. I stayed out of church for a year; we did a lot of hiking and camping. God took that year to heal me, even though I didn't realize it. Then at Christmas, my favorite time of the year, he laid it on my heart it was time to find a new church. He has brought me to a church to learn, it was back to basics for I feel so out of my league. I truly want to run but it's funny, God won't let me run very far. He keeps pushing me a little harder to learn, so in this season of my life, God wants me to deal with my insecurities.
2. All my life I have been told that God gives you insecurities to keep you humble. So learning to deal with something that I have been taught was to keep you humble is a new concept. Perfection as a form of pride is not something I had thought of before. I always used perfection to keep from being rejected.I felt that if I was ever asked to do something it had to be perfect or I would never be asked again. I want to feel as if I belong and for people to realize how flawed I really am is something that scared me to death. I once told someone that I am a shadow walking on the edges of the church. God loves me as I am! This study is going to be a long study; it is by faith that I take it, with God beside me all the way.
1) Rejection… feeling like no guy will ever love me for who i am, since i had been rejected by some guys in highschool. And my father was not that good at showing me how much he loved me.
2) Feeling like people judge me becuse of the way i dress or because my family did'nt have a lot of money when i was growing up.
I feel like there is so many things that i am insecure about! God needs to get his loving sandpaper out and start scrubbing me down! I do feel overwhelmed with all the work that needs to be done but i know that he who has begun a good work in me will finish it!
Sara
20's
Tennessee
1. Instability in the home and rejection (father leaving at age 12)
2. I think I gained lots of new insight regarding insecurity with these two chapers. I personally loved the section about personal dispostion. Being a very tenderhearted person myself, I know and recognize that things in life affect me on a deeper level than some which had led to several occasions of insecurity. Because of this insecurity (or rather the pride I believe that will feel better)I have tried to make myself into a less tenderhearted person. This is what I will tell myself "If I don't feel as deeply and passionately then it won't hurt as bad and then I won't be insecure." HA….what a lie the enemy has won me over with.
1)I think that my primary roots are Instability at Home and having a tender heart.
2)After reading what Beth wrote about having a tender heart, I was very encouraged. I feel like no matter what my home life would of been like, I would of still struggled. I say "I'm sorry" a lot, feel badly for people, don't want to hurt peoples feelings, want to do things fairly. There is a place and time for all of these feelings, but not if they seem to take over your life. Thankfully through many avenues, including this book, God is helping me to not feel so overwhelmed with feelings about getting hurt and trying not to hurt people.
40s
Married
Purcellville, VA
39 yr old
married
I haven't finished this week's reading yet, but I can say my biggest root of insecurity is probably my weight.
What I wanted most to say is "Help!" I thought I was doing well with my insecurity and depression. Then I went to our church's women's retreat this past weekend. The comparisons and self-doubt started in my mind and plagued me all weekend and haven't stopped!! And the funny thing was that our topic was about getting away from pride and self-rule and getting back to putting Christ on the throne in our lives. I know all the thinking I was doing about what a poor mom, wife and Christian I am is just another form of pride. I just can't seem to straighten it out in my heart. I can hardly even pray for myself, though I trust God has not left me, this is a problem on my end. Please pray for me.
Looking forward to reading more in your book.
After reading these chapters my roots of insecurity are abundantly clear.
1. Significant Loss
2. Pride
My mom died of cancer when I was 10 years old. Man, I hate writing that. With everything that is in me I wish I didn't have to.
My heart feels like it is being reshaped. Molded. It's painful, but good.
What's funny is that I thought that I had already dealt with and healed from losing her, but God is showing me that I haven't finished giving him all my pain, all my tears, all my mixed up emotions…. he is showing me that I need to continually be doing this.
That is where the pride comes in. I always think I can do it on my own. Perfectionism is my battle.
He is showing me that HE is my healer. That HE has been my daddy, even as I miss my mom. ESPECIALLY as I miss her. It is in His lap I need to run to and cry my tears of loss. He is there.
One of the roots of my insecurities come from "instability of the home" As a child I watched physical abuse of my mother from my father. (Who is now saved and freed from this!! Praise God!) But, it endured from my earliest memory of 3 years old until I was 18 or 19 years old. The other root is "rejection" — as I shared in the previous lesson my husband about 15 years ago received attention from another woman and wasn't sure if he wanted her or me. I won, but the fact that he didn't KNOW if he wanted our marriage to work or not hurt deeply.
What I am hearing from God is that I need to work through these feelings of rejection once and for all and be done with them. I need to get passed it and quit making him feel guilty. (I don't try to, but EVERY emotion seems to hinge on this!) The hurt is still there and with tears in my eyes right now, I WANT to get passed it, but just don't know how. Everything for the past 2 months (Esther Bible Study, this book, even the sermon at church last week) seems to be opening the wound that I thought was healed over. Which tells me God is bringing me through it once and for all, right????
Renee, 52, Married, Colorado Springs, CO
1. I think culture is the strongest for me. I really resonate with April Nicole on some of these things and how heavy cultural pressure can feel at a young age – I am only 23 and already feel the nagging weight of the world as it relates to where I'm "going" career-wise, in relationships, and how well I'm maintaining my appearance (anti-aging eye cream is already in the daily regime). Though praise God I don't feel insecurity in this is a primary struggle in my life, when I entertain the thoughts, the world's anti-grace mentality, that "everything I have or will have is mine because I worked for it, I must earn everything in my life, and if I don't strive to be the best I'm not living up to my potential" can be debilitating as I seek to rest in God and live faithfully and obediently where He has me in the present.
2. I have really been asking God to reveal how insecurity might be expressing itself in unpredictable or initially unrecognizable ways in my life. He has definitely been answering this prayer. He is showing me the places where sin is crouching and teaching me to be more alert in areas where the enemy may want to attack me or distract me from the Lord, specifically through feelings of uncertainty in where I believe God has brought me in the present (in work) and in doubt over where God may be calling me for the future.
Lorna Beth
20s
Single
Chicago, IL
I am one of the 100 that Beth asked to post that have never posted before.
I just got my book and have spent the day reading the first 6 chapters to catch up.
I only recently discovered this blog and have loved every minute spent reading through old posts. Although I am new to the blog, I have been so blessed by going through several of Beth's Bible studies with my girlfriends.
Beth, God is doing so much more through you and your obedience to Him than you will ever see this side of Heaven. Thank you for being so transparent and for blessing women all around the world. I thank God for you!
Many of these roots of insecurity have grown underneth my tree. I would have to say that the two roots that cause me the most pain are rejection and personal disposition. I always find myself saying I wish that I was a strong as as my sister, or my mother, or my best friend, or who ever. I think I am weak.
The Lord is speaking volumes to me through this book. I'm so thankful that Beth pointed out that "some people take things harder and deeper to heart than others. Its not a matter of weakness. Its a matter of personal sensitivity." I loved this quote on pg 57 "Human flesh and blood have no weakness so strong that God's strength is made weak." I can't wait to become more and more secure as I continue to read, I have the faith and hope that I will discover that I am not weak at all, and that the Lord gives me stregnth when I am lacking, because I am not alone in my struggles.
No doubt pride is at the root of my insecurity. I,like many others, suffered hurts in school that certainly made me feel inadequate. But the real issue is PRIDE. Pages 105-107 were reality for me.
Tami/Bay Area, CA/30's/Unmarried
1. My roots are rejection and disposition. Growing up, I was rejected by my peers at church. Being rather sensitive didn't help matters, either 🙂 Like Laurie said in the first comment, I'm SO glad God gave me the grace to see that the ungodly behavior and attitudes in my church were NOT of Him! Even so, He's brought me through many experiences, which He's used to develop skills, compassion for others, and confidence in Him. I really relate to Joseph.
2. Insight into the roots… well, as I read, and as I think about it now, I am realizing — roots are just that, ROOTS. God can UPROOT them and replant healthy things in their place… He's in the business of restoration and reclamation. I'm grateful that God is using the book to show me how far He's brought me in healing my emotions and attitudes, yet I know I still need to work on my confidence in the face of my fear of rejection (which persists, but is nowhere near what it was). It's like every week I have at least one or two new opportunities to grow in this. God really *does* use every opportunity for good, if you will allow Him to do so. Jesus really is a wonderful Teacher, Lord, and Savior. 🙂
Mary
Dixon, IL
50’s
Married
Hi Beth,
As I turn each page in the book they are getting more and more marked up. With four different colors of markers, with each color representing a different level of importance, which by the way I have no clue to what level is what color, the pages are looking very vibrant! So much of what you have written in this book is to ME and the Lord is using it to fill in some of those puzzle pieces that have been missing; or I was not ready to face until now. Thank you for the NO INTIMIDATION ZONE!
Q#1. Well you asked us to zero in on only two, although many of us could put them all…..So, for some unknown reason to me at the part under “A Significant Loss” where you wrote about “if you didn’t get to be a child when you were young, you suffered a loss of innocence,” I started to cry. I am very aware of all events in my childhood. My mother was mean spirited and was dominating and controlling and stood between us kids and our dad, although he let her do that. I felt I have been on my own and that no one will care for me, and that no one loved me or approved of me. Let’s see….can you spell I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y?
And the second root would be Pride! Until a year or so ago when we studied pride in our bible study I had never thought of myself as prideful! DUH! As I have dug to the bottom of my garbage cans I keep finding the bottom layer is PRIDE! And I have recently discovered in my digging and turning over the fallow ground, that intimacy is an issue with me also. I be a mess! But Jesus LOVES me! And on page 102 you said that PRIDE cheats us of intimacy. WOW!! The pieces are all starting to fall into the right places. I am excited on this journey with the LORD! WOOHOO! Well I think I just answered question #2 in that somewhere! So I am done for this week. Run the Race……repentance, restoration, and healing! I can smell freedom coming!
Love you Beth, you are part of my family!
REPOSTING BECAUSE I FORGOT TO ADD MY NAME
#1) My root insecurities seem to be a nice mix of Instability in the Home, A Significant Loss, Rejection & Dramatic Change. I know we were asked to narrow down the 2 most primary root insecurities but because my parents divorced when I was 8 and my father remarried when I was 10 I find that my insecurities must have started with Instability in the Home and then then next one that carried through out most of my life was Rejection from my earthly father.
#2) The insight I gained is that there are some things that make me insecure that were placed upon me at an early age, but the fact that I let those things continue to have a home within me is my pride. To an extent that I wasn't even aware of, I have enjoyed being the "victim" of a divorced family because I can always use that as a fall back for why I react the way I do, but it was almost 30 years ago. I recognize this now as pride.
While the way I feel is valid, I have wasted years of my life feeling sorry for myself instead of taking control, not pridefully, but humbly. Humbly seeing my self worthy in my Heavenly Father's eyes and letting my earthly father off the hook. I have been forcing my earthly father to take on a responsibility only my Heavenly Father can have.
It is time I let go of allowing other people to make me feel insecure and humbly crawl to the feet of my Heavenly Father asking Him for forgiveness for hanging on to my insecurities as a security blanket.
Kate
Concord, NC
30s
single
I am one of the new 100! So excited to be here. It occurred to me that so many of us are so wrapped around the axle with insecurity, that this is such a root issue, that until we allow God to deal with this (with our cooperation of course), our other pursuits whether spiritual, dietary, physical, relational, whatever, won't/can't reach their full potential.
I am almost done with the book and can see that God has led me along a path in this direction (toward the book and being ready to receive what it/he had to say) particularly over the last year. A very close friendship came to a painful, screeching end. Meanwhile he has presented other varied opportunities and a new direction. Now with the book I have a very clear idea of where I have been and how to follow my Jesus out of Dodge!
My areas of challenge were instability in the home, personal disposition and rejection. The playground of sensitivity!
I am ready for this new journey with him so that I can be a better example for my girls and hopefully be used by him to lead them out of the insecurities already taking root in their lives.