Hey, Girls!
I am sitting in the passenger seat of my man’s blue Ford truck with a bird dog’s head on my shoulder heading west to cactus country for a few days. Do you remember that place I told you about where I have to hike with a shotgun because of all the rattlesnakes? Yep, that’s where we’re headed. I don’t think I told you that Keith only lets me have one shotgun shell (thanks, Adrienne!) per walk so I only get to run into one snake at a time. For those of you who have been around for a while and are wondering, yes, we have Star, our Border Collie with us, too. She’s too busy looking out the window trying to herd the traffic to snuggle with me though. It would be tough to type with both on them on top of me anyway.
I’ve been thinking about you every single day. I have no idea how many of your comments I’ve read. Tons. Because we get the whole week to finish the assignments, I can read a certain amount almost every single day. I’m getting to keep up even better than I’d hoped. I really thought this would be a neat experience but you have surpassed my expectation in your answers and insights. The transparency is so incredibly refreshing. So many wonderful things have hit me in the last two weeks as we’ve gone through the first four chapters together. There’s one eye-opening and troubling thing I want to talk to you about before we proceed to our assignments. I’ve been touched by how many of you (thankfully) confessed that you even feel insecure about your comments and about whether or not the other women participating will think you’ve said something lame. Others mentioned being scared they’d misspell a word. As we seek freedom from God, let’s not let the enemy mess with us that way. Let’s not give over one inch of extra ground to the very issue we’re trying to escape.
What do you say we make this discussion stream a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE? What do you say we make a conscious choice not to compete with one another? Not to judge one another? Not to try to measure up to one another or feel less or more than the other? We have to put up with all that trash almost everywhere else a group of women meets up. We can make up our minds not to have to put up with that here. We are smart women. We can determine to share our struggles, challenges, and victories over insecurity without feeling insecure about them. Talk about double indemnity! In Jesus’ Name, let’s make up our minds to treat one another with respect but not give a rip about trying to keep up or compete. Even while we’re on our journey to freedom, let’s make this community a microcosm of what we hope, when it’s behind us, to find and to become. I can’t think of a better place for us to practice making up our minds not to let circumstances or people draw out our insecurities.
I esteem you highly and find you so entirely interesting. What I’ve learned from you already can’t be overstated. I have become increasingly certain over the last two weeks that God is up to something BIG among us. Bigger than I first thought. In fact, I can tell you this. There’s no way we came up with this. God is pursuing us. He’s setting us up to get sick and tired of our insecurity and to do anything we must in order to find wholeness in Him. Let’s not stop Him in any way.
Oops, I got distracted for a minute. We just stopped at a Valero’s near Llano, Texas, for a bathroom break and Star started barking her head off at a man minding his own business and walking into the store. “What on earth is the matter with you?” I asked. (To Star, of course. Not the man.) Then I saw what he was wearing. Short shorts with winter white legs and black socks. I think Star is terrified by black socks against bright legs. Somebody tell me why that dude didn’t feel insecure. Not really. Don’t get off on that. But admit it. It’s a mystery.
OK, so let’s get to this week’s assignments. We’ve reached a very important point in our journey. We’re about to dig up eight deep roots of insecurity. No, we’re not looking for excuses but a little understanding can go a mighty long way. Haven’t you ever wondered why it dogs you so? You may be about to find out. This week I’d like for you to give special attention to Chapters FIVE and SIX. Here are the two questions I want you to answer here on the blog:
1. After reading these two chapters, what do you believe to be the TWO primary roots of your struggle with insecurity? Keep in mind that more may apply but try to lock in on two that you believe to be most impactful.
2. What, if any, insight did you gain about the roots of insecurity and did you sense that God was trying to speak to you in any specific way through it? (This answer does not need to be limited to the two roots you identified in the previous response.)
These may sound like simple questions but I promise you we will have some interesting reading this week. Go to it, Girlfriends! I can’t wait to hear from you. Remember, you have until next Thursday morning to make your comment. By the way, a number of you have asked if women can jump in late with us. Absolutely! Any time. Everybody’s welcome.
Here’s a special challenge this week: Let’s still hear from all of you who’ve been commenting over the last two weeks but let’s ALSO hear from at least one hundred of you who have never posted before. Remember, this is a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE. Get in there and learn how to make a comment and if you find it posted later and see that you misspelled a word, who cares? This journey will mean ten times more to you if you get all the way into it. Come on in and participate. This is a really cool group of women.
Come, Lord Jesus, and minister to us. Open our eyes. Open our hearts. Grant us signs of great freedom and healing even this week as we discover where our insecurities may be coming from. We know, Lord, that no flesh and blood can bring us what we need. If we come out of this with liberty, all glory will go to You alone. I love You, Father. Do Your Thing.
Anonymous 
1. I think my top 2 roots of insecurity are instability in the home and Pride. My parents divorced when I was only 3, my dad wasn't around much and my mom worked two jobs to support my sister and I so she wasn't around much either. I didn't realize the effect of this until late adolecence. While I didn't realize it until I started reading this book, Pride plays a big role in my life that I didn't really realize until now.
2). As I mentioned above I hadn't thought about pride and insecurity being related and that perfectionism is tied to low self esteem. This area of the chapter really spoke out to me, I had to go back and read it again!
I've always felt I've had some insecurity issues, this book is amazing and bringing alot of things to light for me. Thank you Beth for taking us on this journey with you!
1-instability in the home
Lightbulb moment–"…if a female was a sizeable source of our insecurity early on, we will tend to struggle more with security around or with women."
Thank you!
Hi Beth-this week's reading was intense for me-some startling thoughts were brought to the surface. At 61 I really believed my insecurities were behind me-HA!
1)the 2 primary roots of my insecurities come from rejection and personal limitations.
2)interaction with the opposite sex is intensely difficult for me-I am a 3 time divorcee and have no clue about sober relationships. I don't know how to do them. I have 12 years in recovery-haven't even been out for a cup of coffee with a guy since 1994…….geesh. I'm lost in the world of pairs.
The personal limitations are about my education. My parents did not think college was important for girls and allowed me to coast through elementary,junior high and high school. I went to college but flunked out at the end of my freshman year because I didn't know what in the heck I was doing. I didn't know how to study or relate to anybody. To sum it up-I am completely at a loss when I am in a group that includes college graduates. And you can just forget about me even making eye contact with anybody that has gone further in their education.
Taking your bible studies helps me to accept that God loves me just as I am-He made me this way and has given me all that I need to do what He has planned for me to accomplish in His name. Knowing this and being secure with it are two entirely different things-especially when I didn't consider myself to be insecure at all….
Significant Loss and personal disposition are my deepest roots. When I read the last paragraph under significant loss I wept ( a big ole ugly cry, luckily I was alone). I had never considered my loss of innocence a significant loss. It was such a relief to grieve my loss after all of these years. Praying God will guide me from here. Thanks so much for opening my eyes to this Beth.
The root of my insecurity comes from what….I don't know if I know. Being not good enough, smarter. I just know that I am so insecure. This just grumbles at me almost every day.
Looking for God's guidance.
Sandra
Wichita Falls, TX
40's
Married
1. Rejection and P R I D E (my perfection in all I do)
2. Need to interject a couple of tools:
1: need to recognize when I'm overloading myself on media hype and back off when I sense it tripping my insecurity switch. I need to learn how to put something down or turn something off when it's just too much or make a lie too believable. I need to make sure I deliberately expose myself to materials that edify the human soul rather than erode it.
2: I need to start looking for ways in which I set myself up for failure.
I confess my pride this day.
Karen
50
Hartsgrove, Ohio
1) two insecurities: media and pride. Pride was a shocker to me. I was only going to read through that one quickly. As I read the list, I couldn't believe that I was saying "that's me!" to everything. Media is a given in this day and age. I woudl just like to grow old gracefully w/o having to make excuses for my changing skin texture, my sags and lines, and the few extra pounds. Do I STILL have to compete with a 20 year old? When I was 20 I still felt the competition because I was too insecure (with the other 6 insecurities). I just want to be ME and not have to be forced to oompare myself to every other woman and be made to feel as though I come up short. I like to quote Popeye.."I amz what I amz and that's what I amz!"
2) no new insights although I did find that as I read about the media, I got angrier and angrier. I had to shut the book for awhile and then I was faced with your gorgeous gorgeous photo on the front and I got mad at the publishers for filling the whole daggone front cover with your photo and not being sensitive to all the insecure women that would be reading this book and feelign the competition.
My two primary roots of my struggle with insecurity are a significant loss (loss of husband from brain tumor 3 years ago) and instability in home.
Your book is a reinforcement in my learning and healing process of knowing that God is working in me and teaching me to rely only on Him for my needs, acceptance and approval which only He can provide. He is teaching me to live life again without fear of losing someone again and also without looking for security in others around me and putting that burden on them. I learned a valuable lesson that we are setting ourselves up for tremendous heartache and disappointment if we put our security in others around us and not completely in Him. He is such an AWESOME & LOVING FATHER!!
Teressa
Winfield, AL
43 & Single (Widow)
1.) My root of insecurity has to do with family history. My parents were divorced when I was young, and for as loving as my mother was and still is, she could not replace the rejection we experienced from my father. He left and never really looked back at his two children.
2.) My very wise mother made us go to Christian counseling through our teenage years to deal with the "stuff" left from my father. I've learned through my walk with the Lord that He is my only security, and the Lord and I have been places where I could only count on Him, so I'm consistently growning in trust. Here's my deal though….for as secure as I feel in Christ, I feel almost totally insignificant to my husband. I know I am loved, beautiful, and purposeful to the Lord, but I just want to feel that from my husband, as well! He is very independent and although I know he loves me, he makes me feel so insignificant, and like my place in his life could be easily replaced. So, can God heal that place in my heart? It matters to me what my husband thinks, and as secure as I feel in the Lord, I just want to feel secure with my husband. I'm hoping God with speak to me in this area of my life.
First post…mostly because I'm too busy with three small children, although I am on Chapter 12 already! 🙂
Married,
Florida
Aurora
Palm Coast, Florida
40's
Happily Married
My primary roots of insecurity branch from personal limitations and instability in the family.
With reflection and the Spirit's insight I realize that my biggest challenges in life have led to great strength despite the occasional blooms of insecurity. Rather than whine I've discovered how to rejoice. Romans 5:3-5 keeps my hope meter charged.
Lindsay
Bangor, Maine
25
Married
1. a. Rejection: I had horrendous experiences in elementary and middle school at two different Christian schools that greatly influenced my confidence level and undermined my tenacious spirit and natural leadership. To this day, as a 25 year old, whenever I feel my self-esteem take a hit, I can always trace it back to those years.
b. Pride: almost every sin or temptation I struggle with traces back to pride and lack of faith in God. I am, by nature, passionate, opinionated, and, as my husband lovingly describes me, "a firecracker". This can be great, but unfortunately, I believe my disposition makes me extremely susceptible to pride. Add in the fact that I'm involved in leadership in ministry, and I'm pretty much a constant target for Satan to tempt me with pride.
2. Since my high school years, I've never seen myself as someone who struggles with confidence. However, I've grown to identify certain behaviors as issues of insecurity that are directly related to my traumatic years in Christian school (ladies, I'm sorry, but some of the meanest people are 14 year old "Christian" girls!!). Those years erroneously led me to believe that fakeness, snobbery, and manipulation were the only means to survival. Thankfully, God has grown me so much since then, and I've healed a lot. For the most part, I'm transparent with others, and I'm ten times more concerned with pleasing God than other people. However, when I do identify insecurity, I can definitely see where it's rooted.
I am insecure in the fact that I didn't make reading a priority this week so now it is Wednesday night and I didn't do my "homework" 🙂 I promise to make a better effort next week!! I did skim some of the other comments and I would agree that I struggle with PRIDE and rejection
I am a major perfectionist in some ways(although my home is a sloppy mess) and I know that is rooted in pride.
I will hopefully do some reading tomorrow, but wanted to at least connect this week!
Julie
30s
Married
Clarks Summit, PA
Chris 56 yrs
Tucson
1) 2 roots for me are rejection and desperate for significance. Growing up it seemed my household montra was "no one is suppose to know" and you don't need to know either.
2) Again, God is using you Beth to speak volumes into my heart. Just last week because I was feeling so unvaluable in my families lives – I was enlightened through the book – that the reason my soul was at so much unrest was because I forgot I was made great in the radiance of God's greatest – fearfully and wonderfully made. If I could live there – it would be great freedom. But I am feeling more rest. THANKS!
1) Definitely rejection, followed by instability in the home. My father left when I was 4 and my brothers were 3 and about 6 months. He wanted to travel and play golf…which he did. I assume he hoped we weren't starving, but who knows what he thought because he certainly never helped or checked on us. So we would have a roof over our heads and food to eat, we had to move to my maternal grandmother's home. Grandmother's favorite was my youngest brother, and Mother's was my middle brother…and everybody in my entire extended family knew it. I can remember sitting many, many times at the foot of the stairs in the dark thinking no one loved me. I suspect we can throw a little perfectionism in here too because if I won the beauty pageant or was the prize piano student or made all A's or won the spelling bee…I got the positive attention. But usually only at those kinds of times.
In later years I was able to have a semblance of a relationship with my father, and he always tells me he loves me…but this past summer I got what felt like the straw that broke this camel's back of rejection from him. He and I and his brother and my grandmother were visiting and my uncle asked why I was divorced. I told them that my former husband didn't love me. From my uncle: Well, why did he marry you, then? My response: Because he thought I would be a good mother to his children. And my father said: "Well, I don't care what kind of problems y'all had. I still like him." Mind you, it would only take one hand to count the number of times they'd seen each other.
2) For the last several months I have been very — well, fairly open about my struggle with being able to understand and believe God's love because the love of a father is something I.Just.Do.Not.Get. My head knows it, but I can't get that head knowledge to penetrate my emotions. But God's been using things to remind me of His love, and then out of the blue Beth gives us James 1:18: "And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession." Prized possession? Prized? I'm going to have to mull on that one for a few weeks, I think!
Carol
Married
50s
Mississippi
First Time Poster
My 2 primary roots of insecurity are personal limitations and dramatic change.
About 15 years ago, while in college I was diagnosed with lupus, hence the physical limitations that have come from having a body that attacks itself. This incident/landmark event in my life is the root of both of my areas of insecurity. Funny thing is, I didn't realize it until about a year ago. You go from being a happy-go-lucky 20 year old to one that has a chronic disease, and something just happens to you. Don't get me wrong, I am more blessed than any 30 something year old could dare dream. I can look and see God's continual hand watching over me, caring for me, putting incredible friends and aquaintances in my life, but yet… I've recently started to see how much I've limited myself and God, so that's the challenge. Figure out how to resolve these stupid insecurities and live as big as the Texas sky I love.
Rosa
Single
TX
30s
Lara Harris Married Spring Hill, TN 43 years old.
1) If I wasn't insecure before, realizing just how many of these roots I come from sure would! 🙂 I am one of those walking miracles. Root 1 would be Instability in the Home. My mom was and alcoholic (still is and I am 43), parents fought like crazy (still do), got divorced, got remarried–to EACH OTHER, Dad enables her and is sad alot. Only child, grew up very alone. Root 2 would be rejection. It just resonated with me.
2)I realize that I may be more insecure than I though and I need to be very deliberate about overcoming those things and how easy it would be to be overcome than be the overcomer.
I think God is being very deep with me right now. Interestingly, so like Him, the timing of this. 2009 was the hardest year of my life. Filled with significant loss, rejection, dramatic change and personal limitations. He is wanting me to do the work to get through this and not have more junk later.
Kelly
Married
47
Wisconsin
How powerful. Reading the comments amaze me – the pain that we have suffered thru as girls and continue as women to endure. We are amazing aren't we?
1. I would have to say that the 2 primary roots of my insecurity are rejection and disposition. I can relate to feeling sorry for the smashed toad. I've always been really sensitive and remember struggling with insecurity in second grade. Not sure why, but maybe this answers that question. I;m also guilty of thinking all the things you listed on page 73. Throughout my life, I've repeatedly been rejected, and most of the time, I wasn't given a reason. It was easier to believe that there must be something wrong with me than to believe that there was something in their hearts that needed to be fixed. It was also easier to blame myself because I could change myself, but I couldn't change others. Even though I've had a relationship with Christ for as long as I can remember, it is just now getting the through to me that God thinks I am worth all the things you listed, and if since God is not like us and cannot lie, I must truly be worth it.
2. I didn't know that insecurity could relate so much to disposition. It explains a lot in my life, though, especially why I suffered from it so much at a young age without a whole lot of reasons to. I've felt God walking me through this book the whole way. I've been feeling Him show me what needs to be fixed and showing me how deeply He cares about what it's done to me and fixing it. I think I'm starting to see my insecurity through His eyes. It hurts as things I've tried to forget about are resurfacing, but I know that it's necessary for the healing process, and can't wait to be set free!
I just also had to add a comment regarding culture. You talked a little bit about it when you came to Stockton. One month later, almost to the day, I was back at the Stockton Arena to watch an arena football game that my friend had extra tickets to. There i was, in the very same room where you brought it up, watching scantily clad cheerleaders who could have been on poles (who later changed into swimsuits), young girls doing a way too sexual dance, followed by ads featuring scantily clad women on the big screen. I thought of sending you pictures to prove your point.
Elizabeth
Escalon, CA
20's
Single
As I read through the chapters on the roots of insecurity, each one resounded with me. All of them brought back very painful memories of sad moments and years of dealing with those roots. I tried to narrow it down to 2 roots, but it struck me hard that every one of these roots had rocked my world! No wonder I'm so danged insecure!
Beth's words on Page 85 were like sweet whispers from my Father: "If every single root we've discussed so far is under your family tree, girlfriend, you are already a living, breathing miracle." Wow! What encouragement! It's a wonder I've made it so far! I know God is working in me and in all of us who are seeking to be secure in Him.
Beth, your writing is so excellent in all your books, and this one is extremely insightful.
Kerry
Monument, CO
Married
30s
1. Pride and dramatic change, even though my father had a terminal illness – that didn’t really affect me as much as the others.
2. I found it interesting that my top two roots were connected. We recently moved from Nebraska to Colorado about a year and a half ago. I had a real issue with my pride, because I was “needed” back home. I had responsibilities in my local church. My new church here had a policy in place where you had to attend for a year before serving in leadership. It was all an issue of pride for me. Nearly every sentence listed on pg. 101 almost made me cringe. Those things really do bother me. I didn’t think my insecurity roots were embedded so deep in the soil of my heart, but apparently, they are much deeper than I am able to pull out on my own.
I’m looking forward to the remainder of the book for tips and tools on how to overcome these feelings of insecurity, how to deal with my pride and perfectionism. Thanks for another eye opener this week.
WOW…these 2 chapters just about wore me out! I had to keep closing the book, crying, saying "no wonder I'm so screwed up sometimes." But I'm going to try and get through this w/o bawling.
#1 INSTABILITY IN THE HOME!! We were the perfect little family in church on Sundays and Wednesdays, but there was shouting, screaming, the silent treatment, chaos, and walking on eggshells every other moment in my 17 years living at home. That leads to #2 SIGNIFICANT LOSS/REJECTION. I'm combining those because my mother abandonded our family twice before I was out of high school and that left me asking questions, wondering what was going on, having to be the emotional care-taker as the oldest child and I didn't even know how to process my emotions.
Through the last 20+ years, God has redeemed my relationship with my mother and I'm grateful for that. When I came to the sentence in ch. 6 "I believe with all my heart that every adult still has a need to be loved like a child." just about un-did me. I can't type this w/o crying. It's the one thing I crave from my father and he withholds it as a way to control and manipulate. As much I as crave it, I struggle with the balance of how not to be manipulated and still receive his love. But I loved the Is 46:4 verse. It helped me realize that I need to work on seeing God as my "Father" and knowing he is able to lavish love on me just as I am…no conditions, no earning it.
I hate what the media does to give women "false hopes"…it's all about if you do this, you'll get this. We color our gray hairs because we don't want to be seen as "older", but there are actually commercials implying it's OK for men to have gray hair! what's up with that!
Boy I saw just how great my pride has shaped my thinking, using my "roots" as excuses. Purpose…I need to work on embracing God's will for me in that and thankful forgiveness is there for me.
Beth, thank you so much for the "cleansing" this week. It has really made me stop and think of some chains I want to be freed from.
Valerie
Louisville, KY
40s, Married
1. My two roots of insecurity are rejection and personal disposition. I am a quiet person by nature and have a very tender heart, so I am easily hurt by others & don't take criticism well. I tend to keep to myself and only have a few close friends, not a wide circle of friends.
2. Insight: My favorite sentence so far comes on page 95. It says, "God has entrusted each of us – male and female – with a brief measure of time on this planet, and each season is meant to be lived abundantly, effectively, powerfully and pricelessly." And my next favorite is, " Truth is the first casualty in a media-crazed society." This means to me that God wants me to get and STAY into His Word so that I can do all those things that He has chosen for me to do abundantly, effectively and powerfully!
Tesa
Perry, GA
married
40's
Erica H.
Married
24
Indiana
This is my first time posting on the discussion group! I got my book late so I've had a little trouble catching up. I will admit that I also was a little intimidated to post my answers for whatever reason. So here goes my first attempt:
1)I think my two major roots of insecurity are the two biggies: pride and culture.
2)I learned that I need to take charge of the things I am subjecting myself to. I don't have to look at magazines or watch tv or see a movie if I think it might contribute to any feelings of inadequacy!
I just have to mention how much I loved Melissa's quote…"He knows it's scary to be us." How true is that?! I've never thought about God in that way. He understands that our lives are not easy and He wants to help us!
50
florida
married
Primary roots are 1. instability in the home and 2. pride
I never really thought about pride as a root of insecurity, more a manifestation of insecurity.
I tend to tune in a little bit earlier when I act or think in a way that reflects underlying pride.
Carlene
ON, Canada
30's
Married
1)Pride and instability in the home. My father was severly depressed all of my pre and teen years. Many job losses ect.
2)My pride in my drive to be perfect. I felt like God opened my eyes to the sin of it all. I often thought of my perfectionism as something that cannt be changed, like my eye colour or body type. I'm not sure how to deal wih it, but my God won't let me off the hook now.
1) It's very hard to limit my roots to two. The first one would have to be rejection. The second would have to be pride.
2) I am so excited by what God is showing me right now! The information about rejection was so helpful. I realized that of the two big rejections that affected me, one was more the perception of rejection, and not outright rejection. I also am feeling such hope, as the last paragraph of chapter 6 pointed out that pride is something that God can deal with right now! Praise Him!
Melanie, Wenham, MA, 30's, Married
Wow – so many comments, and I wish I had more time to read through all of them. Maybe next time I will start reading them sooner than Wednesday night!!
My two roots of insecurity are rejection and disposition. I can remember being in 5th grade and being called a not-so-flattering nickname, and the teacher laughed at me along with the other kids. And because I tend to have a more sensitive disposition (or at least I did at the time – I think I've just learned to harden myself over time), I really took that to heart. Then, repeated episodes of being teased, growing up looking at all the images on TV and in magazines, and never really fitting into any size smaller than a 9/10 just seemed to confirm it all. I even remember being told by my mom when I was 16 (well-intentioned, but painful nonetheless) that "When you wear make-up, you're actually kind of pretty".
On the other hand, I've been told most of my life about how smart I am. But the last thing I want anyone to find out about me is that I did do well in school, for fear that it's just another area that I'll be teased about and made fun of – to the point that I refuse to let my husband say anything to anyone about my academic successes. I mask it by saying that I don't want to make other people feel bad (which has some truth to it), but in all honestly, it's mostly because I just don't want to feel the pain of rejection in another area of my life.
Jill
30's
Minnesota
Married
1. My 2 primary roots of insecurity are: Instability in the home & rejection. While my parents are still married today, they were separated for a period of time in my early teen years. When they were together, there was constand bickering and arguing. My 2 older sisters had already left home, so I feel like I caught the brunt of most of it. And rejection most recently came about 5 years ago, when my then husband walked out on me and our 7 month old son…totally blind-sided me. But I feel like I always struggled w/ rejection, even as a young child…I was never popular, or had many friends, and would often get made fun of.
2. Something I know…but always could use reminding of…quote from pg. 77 "God knows exactly what happened and what a toll it took. He know the number it played on your mind. Let Him bring yo peace. Let Him tell you you're worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for, and, yes, beloved, keeping. Whatever you do, don't reject the only One wholly incapable of rejecting you." I tend to internalize and think that I'm the all alone in this stuggle, but I'm clearly reminded of God's love for me and my security in Him.
Amanda
Munford, TN
30's
Divorced/Single – In a relationship
Nothing like pushing it to the last minute! This is my first time on for the Insecurity blog; thank you for the encouragement!
1. Two primary roots are rejection and personal disposition. My parents raised me to be very independent and some of that came across as rejection. Personal disposition because I can be very sensitive when I let myself be. I can remember one of my parents saying that I was too sensitive – probably some truth to that but I have overcompensated at times as well.
2. I'm seeing how bound up I really am in my appearance; especially my weight. It's very subtle but it's there; that little voice that says to stay back and be quiet because you have gained 10 pounds this winter and everyone will know that you have no self control and . . . or you are looking so much older . . .
But recognizing all of this is half the battle. God has brought me very far over the years with some of my insecurity issues and yet He is showing me some of the more subtle issues now so this is good! I look forward to the freedom He has for me!
Amy
Granby, CT
40's, separated
Colorado Springs,CO
50's
Married
1. My PFP is always other's education…I tend to envy those that have the most, and I am amazed at how it triggers insecurity in me.
2.Challenge:to FINALLY allow God's truth to substitute each and every insecurity within.
3.Oh Moses by far…each time I sense God asking me to step out and obey, it sets off an inner argument about how I am not qualified…I am ALWAYS surprised when God uses me.
Two primary roots of my struggle with insecurity:
Personal Disposition – I am a very tenderhearted and sensitive person so I can see that this make me very vulnerable to insecurity. I want everyone to be happy and everyone to like me and feel very uncomfortable when I don't think this is happening!
Dramatic Change – Over the last 10 years I have had a series of unwelcome changes and can see that I may have, as you say, become "addicted to dread." Very often I expect something bad to happen and worry about what may happen in the future.
God surely is speaking to me about Pride. I used to have a much more difficult time with pride than I do in my current season of life. God has worked in my life over the past 5 years to help to make me a more humble person and to do the things that I do for His glory and not my own. While I still struggle with this and would guess that this would be one of my major roots of insecurity, God is showing me that I am on the right path with pride, although still a long ways to go, and that he wants me to focus more on my sensitivity and areas of dramatic change. He has also shown me that other roots of insecurity are not a problem for me in my current season of life.
God has also brought to light several areas where I feel I am breeding insecurity with my own family. I need to make an effort to provide a more stable home environment for my children and give them every opportunity to grow up feeling secure and loved.
Kim
Cary, NC
Married
40's
Beth
30's
Married
Madison, AL
1) PRIDE
2)The quote on page 95 really spoke volumes to me. "God has entrusted each of us-male and female-with a brief measure of time on this planet, and each season is meant to be lived abundantly, effectively, powerfully, and pricelessly." It made me stop and think that I need to enjoy my relationships and not worry about what others think of me.
1. A significant loss – my mother died when I was 3 months old and I was never told until I was 18. I was never close to my stepmother and felt guilty about that, never knowing why that was and always preferring my friend's moms. The second root of insecurity would be rejection – always feeling as if I could never measure up to my dad's expectations of me. He raised me to "be my own person" so when I accepted the Lord, that only heightened his disappointment in me.
2. I have been carefully reading and praying about many of the things written in this book and God has been speaking to me. He showed me tonight how I have closed myself off to having any close relationships with those I love – my husband and children, because of the fear of rejection. With my husband, I am always raising or changing the standard and he doesn't stand a chance! I love my children but feel that I fall short of real close maternal love. My first response is to fall into dejection because I am tired of trying to "fix" myself and lean on the Lord, read the Scriptures, do all the "right" things but still not be able to be as healthy and whole as He envisions me.
Kit
Central Islip, NY
60's
Kathie
30's
Kalamazoo, MI
Married
My first root of insecurity would probably be the death of my dad. I was older – 23, but he was my rock – the one who always believed in me and supported me no matter what and when he died, I lost a lot of confidence in myself and I still struggle with feeling not good enough.
The second root would probably be pride and the sentence that hit me most was "no outside force has the power to betray and mislead us the way our own egos do. Pride talks us out of forgiving…Pride cheats us of intimacy, because intimacy requires transparency."
I think, through this book, that God is reminding me that he is my biggest fan and supporter – no matter what I do and that I only need to look to him for it. And also that I need to let go of my pride and be open to forgiveness of another person who has hurt me recently (even though this isn't directly related to security, I believe it is still connected to feeling secure enough in who I am that I can then forgive someone else without compromising who I am or needing to feel inferior for 'giving in.'
Crystal; Way Up North WI; 46; Married
1) INSTABILITY IN THE HOME: my mom was 16 and my dad 19 when I was born. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive. My mom called for me to help her. REJECTION: my sister was born 18 months later … for some reason she became my dad's favorite…no one knows why. As we got older I would say that their personalities were the same-I would cry and be hurt-she would tell him off! My tears would set him off. He was mildly physically abusive and fully verbally abusive to me but never to her. I usually feel I've moved through it but it really never goes away.
2) Insight regarding Instability in the Home: It came to me that unplanned children who constantly hear they were unplanned don't just hear unplanned-there is always an underlying and unspoken feeling of unwanted. This is the first time I've ever thought of it this way! Insight regarding the roots: I did not choose culture or pride because I feel the roots in chapter 5 are timeless as Beth said. A thought came to me that culture and pride are the roots that keep the timeless roots FED – over and over!
God did clarify this question for me-I'd been reading it all week thinking I had to come up with something from the past-He shifted my thinking so I understood it meant did He speak to me NOW! I did gain insight into my insecurity…I never thought about the lifelong underlying and unspoken feeling of unplanned vs. or AND unwanted. When anyone in my family, including myself, explain how I was unplanned but so loved…it's like a defensive phrase. This is quite eye-opening and a little heart-wrenching at 46 years old. NOW, will I use it to continue to move forward or hurt me? I'll have to listen harder to what God wants me to do with this new information.
Caroline
Wisconsin
60's Married
1. My two primary roots I think are personal disposition and pride.Personal limitations came in a close third.
2. In regard to personal limitations I sense God trying to speak to me to reach beyond my self-imposed limitations that have been established by fear. To do what I've never had the courage or confidence to do.
Also I need to admit and confess this pride problem. It seems to manifest itself in me thru perfectionism. I am encouraged to know I can confess it to God and repent and be forgiven.
1. I think my two roots are our culture and significant loss.
2. For sure my biggest root is the culture, the whole idea of not being satisfied unless you have the latest or greatest gets me at times. I loved your story of the ranch and even sharing the picture of the sweet old farm house on the blog. It seems typical to think tear it down and build something grand and instead you found the grandest beauty in what was already there. I pray that I can find the grand beauty in what God has already made in me and while having the adorable clothes in the new J.Crew catalog would be fun, those clothes won't make me anymore grand in who God designed me to be.
Also I lost my mom to cancer when I was 20, I miss her like crazy and while I am thankful I didn't lose her when I was little I still have a fear of losing people I love. I have recognized how many insecurities that brings out and how I need to trust in God's plan instead of living in fear.
Thank you for this book and sharing your heart and I pray that we all continue to become more secure as God's daughters!
Belton
18
single
1. I think personal disposition and pride are the two that cause most of my struggles with insecurity.
2. Two things really stuck out to me over and over as I read these chapters. The first is the issue of perfectionism being connected with pride and resulting in insecurity. That hit close to home. The second thing is that I really gained a lot of insight into other people's lives who I may not have really understood before.
Wow, primary roots of insecurity for me are
1) rejection
2) pride — that one nailed me.
How did this happen? The rejections have been at the hands of many people and different situations over the years and most don't seem all that significant right now. Well, except the period of time spent experiencing maternal rejection from time to time — but pride has grown perhaps as a defense. But it's still pride.
Yes, God is speaking to me — beckoning me to find my security in Him, trading the pride for confidence in who I am in Him.
What sweet relief!
Sue
Grand Rapids, MI
50's
Married
Angie
Goshen, IN
30's
Married
1. It truly is hard to limit my answer to 2 because I feel as if all of these "roots" are intertwined and have eventually all grown together in crazy ways. However, the perfectionist and rule-follower in me wants to answer it with only my 2. : ) So, I would say "Personal Disposition" and "Pride". I am truly a person who loves deeply and wants to see every person living the full abundant life that God calls us to. I want depth and realness and honesty from everyone. However, I think that has also developed into or has co-existed at least with the desire to have everyone approve of me and like me and think something good of me. I'm a people-pleaser. I want desperately to separate the two so that I can live out of that deep love only. Funny how I want this freedom for everyone else but have lived in bondage myself for far too long. The "Pride" part comes into play more than I think I knew. I'm a perfectionist to a T and the passages from the Richard Winter section were SO me! I never have really put the perfectionism thing with pride though so that was very eye-opening and humbling.
2. I think God is asking me to look hard into each of these areas and truly expose each of these insecurities. I also feel like He's calling me to unravel it all and lose the pride junk. I think it will–no, I know it will–improve my marriage ten fold. I currently have to win every argument and my husband would benefit greatly for that "need" to end. Lord, do Your work and carve out some time in the next week for me to spend quality time looking into all these areas of my life and my past.
(1)My 2 most prominent roots of insecurity are instability in the home (my Dad drank everyday and had the type of temperament that flew off the handle from time to time) and rejection. I was the 2nd child. My sister is 8 years older than me and has always been a dependent personality. Because I was more independent, my mother did not have to devote as much time to me and I viewed this as being 2nd best. Those childhood feelings have carried over into my adulthood. My mother has been gone home to the Lord since 2001 but I still struggle with the 2nd best, not as important as others syndrome. I have a really good friend who has been like a second mom to me since I was 11 yrs old and I now find myself feeling very insecure with her when I don't feel like I am validated enough or someone else is taking my place. I want to be healed from this. I feel it is hindering my spiritual growth.
As far what parts of Chapter 6 resonated with me: Page 101 where it talks about how we are not the first choice, the favorite, or special and all these things hurt our pride. Also how we turn to God and then we turn to people and then to God and so on. If I would just go to the Lord first and then let Him use who He wants to minister to my needs, I know I would have less and less times of disappointment in myself and others.
I thank Him for His unconditional love and the unconditional love of family and friends. Thank you too Beth for writing such an awesome book to minister to all of us insecure Siestas.
Lisa, GA, 40's, Married
Ok, here goes. This is my first time commenting on So Long Insecurity discussion. I think my two main roots of insecurity are significant loss and pride. 1) My parents divorced when I was 20 and my Dad has been out of the picture since then. He says he loves my brother and I but rarely communicates or makes any effort to be a part of our lives. 2) Pride is definitely what keeps me from getting close to people, even my closest loved ones. I have the hardest time admitting that I am wrong and asking for forgiveness. It just wasn't done in my family growing up. A lot of the things I feel insecure about (how I handle myself, how I am raising my children) I feel inadequate (sp?) because I wasn't raised in a Christian home.
I haven't heard Him speak to me directly yet, but I was touched by the part about how everyone still has a need to be loved (unconditionally) like a child. I need to let the Lord be the one I turn to for that love and be willing to accept it from Him.
Carol
Married, 30s
Apex, NC
Okay, I am a newbie!! I have loved reading the comments, and since you asked for first-timers here I am. I have truly connected with the book, God’s timing is awesome, not enough space to explain, but I am in awe of it daily. Insecurity is truly a stronghold in my life (by the way currently in Breaking Free Bible Study at my church, did the first one ten years ago – this time through the grace of God I am getting it!)
Loss and Rejection are the two primary roots to the insecurity in my life. At the age of seven, I saw my sister drown and the world I knew changed instantly. My mother, who also struggled with insecurity, completely changed, so did our whole family dynamics, I knew she loved me, but can’t ever remember her saying it to me. Rejection has come in different forms in my life, most recently in a very close and personal way.
By looking at all the roots discussed in the book, I feel God has opened a door and is revealing to me what has triggered the insecurity and showing me how to face current and past issues in my life. The veil has been lifted and I am taking steps forward. As I said God’s timing – Breaking Free and this book at the same time, not intentional – GOD!
P.S. I am going on a trip this weekend, I am taking my book on the plane and leaving the cover on!!
Mary
40's
Married
Mississippi
1. Pride
2. My personal disposition
I was definitely convicted over my pride in this reading. Some combination of my pride and desire for perfection send me into a tailspin of insecurity.
1and 2 are answered together. As a child I tried very hard to please. I was the older sister and my sis was 18 months younger. My dad would yell at both of us quite a bit. I did deserve it some of the time, but my sis was the stinker. My mom didn't feel she could speak up. When in college my dad apologized to me and said he didn't realize until I was not in the home.
My sis(who lives states away)continues give me rough times and I so deeply want my husband to occassionally stand up for me, but he usually doesn't feel he should be involved.
Our only child 28. Several times my husband would not stick up for me when I thought he should. This stilll continues at times as my son is married and an adult. So #1insecurity root started in childhood and continues to raise its ugly head with my feeling I am not worth fighting for. I am seen as the strong one. God continues to help me feel and understand HE is the strong one! And that there is new strength each day!
SECOND root is dramatic changes- Mom &dad divorce after 25 years together, dangerous pregnancy for both my son and I at age 24, At 25 I had an unusual cancer in rt lower leg and almost lost my leg, had several years of meds with side effects and lots of PT. We had just moved into a new area and our son was only 1 year old when my cancer occured. I was helpless in doing much at all for several years for my son, husband, and home. At 28 my dad developed leukemia and passed in 6 months. I went home and took care of him in hospital daily…was 5 hrs from home. My husband would bring my 3yr old each weekend to visit me, miscarriage right after my dad passed, Grandma who was my best friend died next year. Several other medical conditions occured through the following years. So even though change is something I can count on I know I wanted more control…and still do. I have felt for several years God trying to help me get out of the "driver's seat." Wow did this hit a sore nerve! In HIS perfect timing I heard this important point in the first DVD-(same time I started this book study) in the "Inheitance" DVD series we're studying now!
I am so thankful for so much. And so thankful to be in this book study as I really want to let go forever some very heavy and destroying insecurities. They have held me back 53 years and now I just turned 54 I am determinded to LET GO! Thanks!
Dramatic Change & Pride.
We moved when I was 9 years old to a COMPLETELY different way of life. I went from a cozy, organized, SAFE, "homey" home to an OLD (understatement) rental house in the country while my dad was building our new home. We lived amid packed boxes, plastic grass put down for "carpet", plastic stapled to the ceilings to keep from black "dirt" from falling on us while we were sleeping. I also had to share a room with my younger brother during that time, which was a BIG change. What was supposed to be a short time of transition ended up being the way of life from the time of 4th grade to 9th grade. Also during that time, my mom physically went downhill. Within the last year, our finances have been what has changed so drastically. I could write a lot more, but those are the examples the Lord has brought to the forefront of my mind right now…
When I got to the part in Ch 6 about perfectionism, it hit me like a ton of bricks. As much as I know the LORD has done a huge work on me in the area of perfectionism, it's definitely still showing up in my life. I didn't realize how much until I read the excerpt you included from Richard Winter. The Lord was gracious to have allowed a circumstance recently to bring up those conflicting "odd couple" feelings. Praise the LORD for revealing it for what it is & that He does indeed intend to set me completely free!!! Praise HIM for the "glorious God-given release that follows repentance"!!!
Married
30's
White, GA
Sorry
Kim E
Lewisburg, PA
54 Married
Betty
50's
Married
Richmond, VA
I already posted my responde to this weeks's assignment, but…
I just turned my calendar to today (running a bit behind, yes) and wanted to share the quote:
"Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable."
– Brenda Ueland
Amen, Sistas!
Debbie
Rochester, MN
50’s (barely)
married
1. I think the roots of my insecurities are significant loss, which was the loss of innocence because of sexual abuse as a child, and pride, especially manifested in perfectionism. Yuck.
2. God was so gracious to point out to me that we have made significant strides together in healing my insecurities. This has come especially through the realization that He has a purpose for me, which makes me utterly significant. Yay!
Beth-
Thanks for the safe zone! I was trying so hard to be brave. I had borrowed and adapted a phrase to help my self: Feel the insecurity. Do it anyway! 🙂
1) My two main roots of insecurity lie in instability in the home and rejection.
2) I had identified all those areas as significant influencing factors in my life. It was eye-opening to see them all together in a list of "causes of insecurity"! 🙂 I have worked on improving and healing in each area. I am excited to get to the root of the matter and extricate it! 🙂
I believe God is using the book and blog to lead me further on the path toward healing and "rooting" out the causes so we can walk together more harmoniously. Right now, the conversations can be a little one-sided. I tell Him I can't, and doesn't He remember, or I cry or complain because of the pain of the hurt.
It seems that God is saying:
This is it. This is the line. No more. Get to the bottom of it, and we'll get rid of it! I want you whole and productive. 🙂
Paula
Brownwood, Tx
40s
Married