Hey, Girls!
I am sitting in the passenger seat of my man’s blue Ford truck with a bird dog’s head on my shoulder heading west to cactus country for a few days. Do you remember that place I told you about where I have to hike with a shotgun because of all the rattlesnakes? Yep, that’s where we’re headed. I don’t think I told you that Keith only lets me have one shotgun shell (thanks, Adrienne!) per walk so I only get to run into one snake at a time. For those of you who have been around for a while and are wondering, yes, we have Star, our Border Collie with us, too. She’s too busy looking out the window trying to herd the traffic to snuggle with me though. It would be tough to type with both on them on top of me anyway.
I’ve been thinking about you every single day. I have no idea how many of your comments I’ve read. Tons. Because we get the whole week to finish the assignments, I can read a certain amount almost every single day. I’m getting to keep up even better than I’d hoped. I really thought this would be a neat experience but you have surpassed my expectation in your answers and insights. The transparency is so incredibly refreshing. So many wonderful things have hit me in the last two weeks as we’ve gone through the first four chapters together. There’s one eye-opening and troubling thing I want to talk to you about before we proceed to our assignments. I’ve been touched by how many of you (thankfully) confessed that you even feel insecure about your comments and about whether or not the other women participating will think you’ve said something lame. Others mentioned being scared they’d misspell a word. As we seek freedom from God, let’s not let the enemy mess with us that way. Let’s not give over one inch of extra ground to the very issue we’re trying to escape.
What do you say we make this discussion stream a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE? What do you say we make a conscious choice not to compete with one another? Not to judge one another? Not to try to measure up to one another or feel less or more than the other? We have to put up with all that trash almost everywhere else a group of women meets up. We can make up our minds not to have to put up with that here. We are smart women. We can determine to share our struggles, challenges, and victories over insecurity without feeling insecure about them. Talk about double indemnity! In Jesus’ Name, let’s make up our minds to treat one another with respect but not give a rip about trying to keep up or compete. Even while we’re on our journey to freedom, let’s make this community a microcosm of what we hope, when it’s behind us, to find and to become. I can’t think of a better place for us to practice making up our minds not to let circumstances or people draw out our insecurities.
I esteem you highly and find you so entirely interesting. What I’ve learned from you already can’t be overstated. I have become increasingly certain over the last two weeks that God is up to something BIG among us. Bigger than I first thought. In fact, I can tell you this. There’s no way we came up with this. God is pursuing us. He’s setting us up to get sick and tired of our insecurity and to do anything we must in order to find wholeness in Him. Let’s not stop Him in any way.
Oops, I got distracted for a minute. We just stopped at a Valero’s near Llano, Texas, for a bathroom break and Star started barking her head off at a man minding his own business and walking into the store. “What on earth is the matter with you?” I asked. (To Star, of course. Not the man.) Then I saw what he was wearing. Short shorts with winter white legs and black socks. I think Star is terrified by black socks against bright legs. Somebody tell me why that dude didn’t feel insecure. Not really. Don’t get off on that. But admit it. It’s a mystery.
OK, so let’s get to this week’s assignments. We’ve reached a very important point in our journey. We’re about to dig up eight deep roots of insecurity. No, we’re not looking for excuses but a little understanding can go a mighty long way. Haven’t you ever wondered why it dogs you so? You may be about to find out. This week I’d like for you to give special attention to Chapters FIVE and SIX. Here are the two questions I want you to answer here on the blog:
1. After reading these two chapters, what do you believe to be the TWO primary roots of your struggle with insecurity? Keep in mind that more may apply but try to lock in on two that you believe to be most impactful.
2. What, if any, insight did you gain about the roots of insecurity and did you sense that God was trying to speak to you in any specific way through it? (This answer does not need to be limited to the two roots you identified in the previous response.)
These may sound like simple questions but I promise you we will have some interesting reading this week. Go to it, Girlfriends! I can’t wait to hear from you. Remember, you have until next Thursday morning to make your comment. By the way, a number of you have asked if women can jump in late with us. Absolutely! Any time. Everybody’s welcome.
Here’s a special challenge this week: Let’s still hear from all of you who’ve been commenting over the last two weeks but let’s ALSO hear from at least one hundred of you who have never posted before. Remember, this is a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE. Get in there and learn how to make a comment and if you find it posted later and see that you misspelled a word, who cares? This journey will mean ten times more to you if you get all the way into it. Come on in and participate. This is a really cool group of women.
Come, Lord Jesus, and minister to us. Open our eyes. Open our hearts. Grant us signs of great freedom and healing even this week as we discover where our insecurities may be coming from. We know, Lord, that no flesh and blood can bring us what we need. If we come out of this with liberty, all glory will go to You alone. I love You, Father. Do Your Thing.
Brenda 
Beth, I feel every woman should read this book. I picked it up and could not put it down. What depth, what transparency, what truth, what freedom for all of us as women to behold!!
I know I have dealt with the insecurity of the fear of man (women)! My daughter is married now and gave me a beautiful little granddaughter named Savannah. When my daughter was in junior high, God used her to reveal one of my biggest insecurities. She said, "Mom, you care too much what others think!" OUCH!! Although, it stabbed my heart deeply, I have been on the journey of letting Father heal those broken pieces inside of me. He is so faithful. I now care more what Abba Daddy thinks than what others think; yet I have to be aware of the enemy throwing those fiery darts of fear at me.
Coming from someone a little older, if young women could grasp the roots of their insecurity,
it would save them so much heartache in this journey of life.
On a light note (sort of) about hunting…for you and
your man…
My husband invited me to go dove hunting in our first year of marriage. I had never hunted before and just wanted to rest while waiting for the dove to come in to eat on the fields. Well….I dropped the 410 shotgun; it hit the side of a windmill; my natural reaction was to catch it before it hit the ground; instead it hit the side of the windmill and blew a hole the size of an egg through my hand; with pellets in my neck and the roof of my mouth! After three surgeries; I am typing this as fast as I can using both hands! Hallelujah! One funny thing…they thought they would have to do surgery to get the pellets out of the roof of my mouth. I was eating a fried pork chop in the hospital and it pulled them all out as I ate it! Well, this very week we celebrated our 36th Wedding Anniversary! To God be the glory! And the rest of the story…
My husband does not take me hunting anymore and says I know how to ruin a good hunting trip,
but he still calls me his best friend in the world!
With smiles and such love for my Beloved, Brenda
Yvonne, I pray now for your sons and your peace in His security.
Have you ever heard of someone so insecure that she stopped coming to Bible Study because she felt her prayers in the group weren't GOOD ENOUGH ????!!! Help!!
Katie
Firestone, CO
20s
Married
1. Many of the roots apply in my life but the big ones are 1-Instability in the home all growing up (alcoholic parent, parents always on the verge of divorce, big financial problems which caused lots of moving) and 2-Personal disposition (I am tenderhearted to a major fault!)
2. This chapter gave insight into the fact that there are reasons I am the way I am and I'm not just crazy :). The very last paragraph was hugely encouraging though. Even though my childhood was very hard it does not have to define who I am now. Christ died to deliver me from this and by His grace I can overcome this insecure mess I am a lot of the time!!!
It is such a blessing to be able to "talk" about this here.
Stephanie
California
23
Single(in a relationship)
1. The two primary roots of my insecurity are dramatic change and personal limitations.
The dramatic change in my life happened when I was 12/13. My family moved out of our home of 10 years to a barren, deserted place where we had barely any neighbors- none we spoke to anyway- and it took close to an hour to drive into town. The kids at school seemed to love to hate me. I went through a long year of humiliation there. It's hard for me to talk about it, and I guess there's just too much to say.
I chose 'personal limitations' as the second root of my insecurity, even though I don't actually have an obvious handicap. My limitation is my social abnormality, or so I call it (while cringing). Let me offer some perspective: In kindergarten, my teacher called in a child psychologist to observe my behavior since she didn't know what to do with me or how to approach me. The psychologist (apparently) said that he'd never seen anything like it. I would be dropped off in the classroom and stand in one spot the entire time (or as long as I possibly could) and stare at the floor. Spoke to no one, looked at nobody, did nothing. Then my mom would pick me up, and I would walk off as if the day had never happened. My teacher had thought that I was beaten, until she met my kind and light-hearted parents. Anyway, that was sort of the beginning to my social life. 🙂 Yikes. I feel very held back by my lack of normalcy. I don't even know where I can start to fit in. And honestly, I don't always want to fit in. I don't want to have to change myself. These days, I don't worry as much about 'fitting in' because it's something, I think, everyone worries about. Yet there's still something a little off about me. I've thought about being tested for disorders or something, but then I just decide to lean on God for any help that I need and trust that he made me exactly who I am purposefully.
2. Insight: These issues go so deep, it's hard to even write my answers to these questions. I think God may be trying to get me to think about who I was as a little girl. I don't really know why yet, because I cry immediately upon recalling my little 5-year-old face. It might be a while before I know what God is trying to say to me.
one quick question. The "DEVOTED DAUGHTERS" just started reading our books last week. can we still post on those first questions? love you
1)Instability in the Home–I grew up with a sibling who was dominating and had an explosive temper. I spent most of my time trying to be nice and stay out of hitting range. And my parents argued alot. My most frequent memory of my mother in those days is her crying in the bathroom with the door shut.
2)Personal Disposition–overly sensitive, tender-hearted, painfully shy with a melancholy/phelgmatic personality
Insight: I've been confused about perfectionism and pride. I became a workaholic to keep up with my peers, stay organized and in control, to be "good". But I never considered my expectations of myself as arrogant. Fear drove me as well as wanting to please, but I just knew that I wasn't good enough, that I'd be found out one day and lose my job so I had to work over. In the end, I lost it anyway when my hectic pace led to nervous exhaustion and panic disorder.
The sentence, "Low self-esteem and pride coexist in the same heart" caught my attention. When that happens when I'm reading the Bible, I know it's God, so I believe this is something God wants me to ponder.
Forgot to add my information at the end.
Joni
Texan
50's
Married
When I did the study "Daniel" three years ago I remember discussing the push culture initiates on never having/being/doing enough. I thought, wow, I'm not even going to have these pimples gone before these forehead wrinkles make themselves at home. I'm reminded through your words, this culture is not going to change- nor have they even entertained "backing off" us, even just a little. It's up to us to give our minds back to God, for renewing, if we want to survive, let alone thrive. I'm so grateful "He Will Do It!"
24, Tyler, Single
I think my two primary roots of insecurity are rejection and pride.
A few insights that struck a chord with me:
– Pride is a driver.
– We will never feel better about ourselves by becoming consumed with ourselves.
– Perfectionists – feeling horribly inadequate and bad about themselves (for me, especially when it's over my failings and sin — I feel bad about feeling prideful when it comes up out of the blue even though I don't want it! Reminds me of Paul, the things he didn't want to do, he did, etc.) and then when things are going well, feeling proud to be so good. I nip it in the bud almost immediately, but I feel so bad that it comes up in my mind and heart. It's not what I want, but I do know that the Lord knows that, too…
I'd like to leave this post for 'Country Fried':
I read your post, and it really touched my heart. I pray that you may one day experience the joy of knowing God. He does know you, and He loves you most tenderly. If I may, I want to ask you to read something from the Bible. Luke, chapter 7, verses 39-43. I hope it is helpful.
-Stephanie
First time poster…
I love this book. I'm learning so much. I just can't stop reading it. Well, until I got to chapter 7…then all the stories made me sad. Yes, I know, I jumped ahead. Aaahhh!
I feel God doing great things….
Bring it on Lord! I'm ready!
Haven't blogged in my life but here goes.
My biggest root is Rejection. I was a WWII baby – came at a very "inopportune" time to an unwed mother in the WACs. Never knew my real father and apparently he didn't want to be involved with me. When I was a baby, mother parked me with a relative or friend while she took off with whomever to wherever. Her husband #4 was an evil man and made no bones about his hatred for me. When they had a daughter he came home to tell me I had a sister and that the only reason they would let me live with them was because they needed a baby sitter. Nice thing to tell a 10 yr. old. I don't think mother really hated me, be she seemed to go out of her way to sabotage and embarrass me. She was very strict and worked on making me feel like she was doing me a favor by being my mother.
In recent years, after certain events and in talking with relatives, I think I've hit upon why she acted as she did…she was blaming me for being born and "messing up" her life.
This I have dealt with. Before she totally slipped into Alzheimer's, I went home, took her by the hand, and lovingly – thru God's grace – forgave her for all she had done to me.
There were many other rejections in life, but this was the major one. It fueled my feelings of being unloved.
The other root is probably Instability In The Home. Mother was always off with some guy, then married and ran off 4 husbands. We were military and always moving so had no real attachments to places or people. Life at home was always full of fear, mental/physical/verbal cruelty, self-doubt, feeling unloved. And after I married my first husband not much changed except abandonment was added. I never felt secure or wanted. I felt I was just a servant.
Even tho God has helped me lay a root or two to rest doesn't mean I've licked 'em all. Only God can do that and I know He's working on me.
KarenM
60s
Married
El Paso, TX
My heart is so full as I read the posts here. My heart goes out to every woman participating in this blog. I find myself time after time lifting up my hand to touch where my heart is as I read your (our) struggles and hardships and hurts. Isn't it amazing how so many of us share similar troubles?
I've developed a fierce hope for us all!
I've read a lot that our insecurities are related to very certain people from our pasts. I just wanted to share something that I've very recently understood:
Forgiveness is so so so important.
It really is. It's probably the hardest thing to do by far, but it is one of the most precious blessings we can have (and give).
My root of insecurity (the main one) is neglect of my spirit by parents, especially my dad whom I adored. I sought his approval, seeking time with him … but he was always to busy, totally involved in his work. He was a surgeon and general practitioner. He never openly rejected me but I got the message. He preferred medicine over me. I didn't even show up on his radar. In my little spirit, I knew that I wasn't good enough to capture any measure of his attention. I tried being the best girl I could be. Still no attention. I'm now 60 years old and crippled by this. I married a man exactly like my dad in the respect that he was emotionally distant. Added to that, he was a negative/extremely critical man trapping me more thoroughly in my insecurity. I've been a Christian for nearly 40 years and this trap has held me tightly. God's got my full attention on this matter and the excitement is building as I read the book! I'm getting a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I long for freedom!
Monica
40
Ohio
Wow! Chapter 5….Significant Loss and Rejection at the same time. I REALLY can't believe how much this book is making me rethink things in my life. When I was 9 my father found out he had a brain tumor, had surgery and life went "back to normal" for a few years until the cancer came back. My father was the breadwinner; we lived in the suburbs; there were 4 kids and my parents "living the dream." Hard work and perseverance got my father, an Italian immigrant, to where he was at that time in computers. My mom was blessed to stay home, most of the time, only picking up pt jobs here and there. When I was 13, my father's surgery to treat the cancer went south and my father would never be the same again. In the meantime, my mom just couldn't deal. My dad had to go to a nursing home due to the complications. She committed suicide and 5 months later, my dad died in that nursing home. My brothers and sister and I lived with my uncle who had 3 children of his own after a divorce gave him custody only a short time before. In this, I have kind of focussed on the loss of my mom as rejection and KNOW that my issues stem from this; but the sadness I feel from the loss of my dad is REAL. I think I have minimized that all this time because it was just something that happens to people sometimes. BUT it's tragic to me, nonetheless.
Monica
40
Ohio
Oops…forgot to answer this question.
What has God revealed to me?
There is so much to be said about the God of the Universe being the GREAT healer.
I am still learning that….but I KNOW God loves me and never leaves me as real people may and do. God is my comfort. When I am feeling especially weak, I have to take a time out and remember where that is all coming from. God has blessed me in my current life with my family. I want to revel and have joy in my life NOW and not let my pain lead my life. But I am still learning and NEED God EVERY day to remind of his tender mercies.
My root of insecurity comes from the comments on sameness…things have to be in balance and although its great to be reliable and constant; I struggle with never being able to step out. I suffer with migraine headaches and for that reason a routine seems to work best for me. I'm not sure the other things that I have always done are really helping me step out of the comfort zone.
God is showing me significant things about insecurity all the time since reading this book. I see the signs now and am at least able to begin to change.
I truly want to know HIM more.
Lisha
Texas
Almost 50
Lanaya in Florida
30 years old; married 10 years
1. Two primary roots of struggle with insecurity right now are Pride and Media Assault. I've never thought of either one of these being roots for insecurity except in the fringes of my brain~ it's good to see it in print and know that someone else calls them valid!
2. There is a little bit of rejection/abuse and sensitivity that also are in my past, but I feel that I can overcome those because they aren't my fault. I won't let something that's not my fault get me down! But images surrounding me and pride get me down and it's all about my choice to let them. Chapter 6 was really a freeing chapter. I've been through that cycle of noticing my pride, repenting of it and feeling free; but it's almost like I forget I can do that and I get stuck in pride for a while. When I read the Psalm 139 scripture, I felt so beautiful. But when I see anyone prettier than I am, I feel so unworthy. Perhaps I need to memorize that scripture and quote it when I start feeling unworthy. "Keep your mind on things above…"
I really appreciate chapter 6. Eternity in the hearts of man. There is so much more to this life than outward appearance and sensuality. I want to grow old gracefully, confident, secure in my God. I don't want to grow old with these jealous, petty, disgusting feelings I have toward myself and others. Ch 6 gave me hope that it can happen and not just by accident.
Karen
Dover, NH
I am in a hotel right now after having spent the night here because I have no power at my home from the storm we got on Thursday. Although I read the chapters of the book, I don't have the book with me right now so I'm going on memory.
1. My childhood upbringing and rejection are my two primary roots of insecurity.
2. I gained alot of understanding about pride being an issue of insecurity which I hadn't thought about before. I felt God really speaking to me that pride and perfectionism are issues I need to deal with.
Wow! I am in awe of our Lord. I am so pumped and excited about the work of healing that He is doing in my heart.
1. P-R-I-D-E. Thats it! Its ugly.
2. I was starting to get worried, as I read chapter 5 and part of chapter 6 until I got to "pride". Finally, there it is! I know it like I know I'm saved. I had actually stopped reading halfway throught chapter 6, until this morning. When I woke I had this thought, "Security is when our need and desire for the Lord is greater than our (perceived) need and desire for anything else." Then I read on page 104, "we find our lives when we lose them to something much larger". CONFIRMATION! I love it. Indulge me a little longer. About 4 mos ago, I wrote in my journal that, "I believe I have been going through the five stages of grief for the past 10 years." I have been grieving and desperately trying to hang on to a life that wasn't mine anymore! I gave it to Jesus a long time ago. Why did I feel like I needed to hang on to it?
My pride has to go. As you said Beth, "its time to own it." It has been a distraction driving me away from my Father for too long.
Joy
Chattanooga, TN
30's
married/mom of 3
I have been tossing and turning all night.I have been on this huge emotional rollercoaster since I started reading this book and doing the assignments.My head is spinning,my heart feels like it is bleeding and I have a big knot in my stomach.This book is hard and so challenging.Then along came chapter 6…..it totally rocked me to the core.Yes I realize through reading this book that I have struggled with a low self-esteem all my life and covered it up with extreme perfectionism to the point of exhaustion but PRIDE !!!!!!!oh my gosh,NO,NO not me.Me having pride ? Never in a million years would I have used pride beside my name. After screaming and wrestling all night I have to accept yes PRIDE could very well be one of my BIGGEST issues, I just never ever realized or imagined that.You know why I think PRIDE is an issue with me ? Well last night my "EGO got hurt" about me having pride.It has knocked me to my knees,no let me re-phrase that,I am face down before GOD and I am not getting up till he beats the pride out of me.Wow I am struggling but I know there is hope ,God is faithful.God has already spoken to me throughout the week
Be still and know that I am God.
Stop striving,rest in ME and just BE.
My soul finds rest (and peace)in God alone.
Conflict and Time = Change.
Settle yourself in solitude and you will come upon HIM in yourself.
Besides PRIDE the other root for my insecurity could very well be my personal disposition.
Enough said.I am so grateful for this journey despite it being so hard.Part of me wants to quit but I want to be changed MORE ,so I march on to my final destination of security in Christ
Michelle
40's
married
1)While I see the "cocktail of Ego and Culture" (especially Ego) ALL over my insecurity I can certainly relate to two that I don't have as much control over-
Rejection and Disposition – Growing up my sister was an EXTREMELY talented athlete which pleased my father to no end. I on the other hand had none and while I do know he loved me I do believe the lack of his attention and praise made me feel rejected. I also believe that while this type of thing would not have had the same impact on others my sensitive disposition intensified the "perceived rejection."
2) I feel God speaking to me in so many ways that there is no way I could list them all but just a few..
I really felt God speaking when you wrote about not rejecting the only One wholly incapable of rejecting you on pg 77. So often I'm tempted to just run from Him and seek that "loss" in something/someone else but I love Isaiah 41:9-10 and will want to definitely memorize that.
I also feel God speaking through the what you said about Confidence on pg 104. So often I think I just lack any confidence in "me" – I'll never be good at anything (you know the whole self-absorption which is really PRIDE) instead of owning ad claiming the truth that I have a purposeful God-given identity that nothing and NOONE can take that from me.
And finally thanks for the comments about not being insecure to post – I was wallowing in that "noone cares what I have to say nonsense". But God does care what I have to say and he is my audience and if someone else relates all the better.
Thank you for this book… YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!
Forgot to add my info too…
Heather
Camden, SC
30's
Married
1) My biggest root of insecurity was my parent's divorce at age 12 and the very tough years that followed. For years, I was worried it would happen and thought my parents didn't love each other and then my worst fear came true. I've struggled with a fear (insecurity) being left.
2) I think God is showing me that I've carried this insecurity into EVERY single area of my life, but especially my marriage. I fear that my husband will end up doing exactly what my dad did (cheat on my mom and leave)….even though he has never given me an actual reason to think that.
Thank you, Beth, for you obedience and transparency in writing this book. I am so excited to finally leave this junk behind once and for all and be a SECURE woman, the one I was created to be!
Lacy
Boonville, NC
30s
Married
Oh, Beth, this strikes such a cord with me. I'm a mess and I can't wait to get to the healing. There are three primary roots to my insecurity, but two I struggle with more now as an adult. I've struggled with insecurity in the home, but with God's help those are not quite as big as the two below.
1)Rejection is a major root of my insecurity. I had an overly critical mother and grandmother, who lived with us. Their complicated and dysfunctional relationship created competition and rivalry between my sisters and I for affection. My older sister became increasingly cruel and critical. I always felt that my mom loved her more. I was never "good enough", so I overcompensated and when that didn't work I became hyper-sensitive. The part in the book where you described the perception of rejection struck me like a thunderbolt. I know I've done that. I project my own insecurities onto people who probably don't have a clue what's going on. As you said, it can muster up temporary insanity in me.
2) Pride and Our Culture: Where to begin? I am a prideful mess. I dislike this about myself more than I can say. I marked page 105 where you quote Richard Winter because it made my heart race to read it. That's me! I try to hide it, control it, but there's no denying it. It was like a spot light on my ugly inside. What complicates it, is that the ugly inside is championed by our society making the struggle so much harder. I fight against my prideful nature everyday, but maybe instead of fighting it, God is asking me to release it to him.
I know my relationship with God is the only thing that keeps me from becoming ugly to the bone.
This study is really churning up something in me. I'm excited and nervous, but ready for healing!
Thank you for this book, the women who are on this journey and may God bless us all and teach us to be tender with each other!
Dena
Glen Ellyn, IL
married
30's
Sylvia
Florida
50's, Married
My two roots of insecurity are intertwined: It is primarily due to instability in the home due to my mother's mental illness and my father's lack of dealing with it. My mother left numerous times while I was growing up and then at 16 my parents left me so that they could focus on their marriage. This was a very vulnerable period in my life (I was still in high school and had to keep grades up while working to pay for rent, food, utilities, and car expenses.)
I believe I really deal with control issues because of this. Anytime things are out of my control, I panic.
The insight I have gained and what I sense God is telling me about all this is:
I never thought I was insecure but rather, that I was just a fearful person. I always assumed this was my lot in life because my Mom and my favorite Aunt also have/had anxiety attacks (as well as many of my cousins).
I'm hoping that realizing this is actually an insecurity will help me to accept this and turn it over completely to God. I cannot control everything because I am not God, but I am important to Him and my times are in His hands.
1) A significant relationship loss in my early college years sent me reeling and I think it contributed to my insecurity greatly. Personal disposition also contributes — I tend to be sensitive and tenderhearted — which is something I see in one of my children, and he tends to struggle with some insecurity as well. Pride is another root I struggle with. I need more time to process that one, I think it is pretty engrained…
2)I know God is right here with me helping me discern all of this. I am His. I am a child of God. I pray for his continued wisdom in helping me work through this insecurity.
Marcia, Mpls
Married
Mid-forties
Erin
Stephens City
Engaged
20's
1) The two primary roots I think started this whole insecurity was being bluntly told at the age of 13 by a guy I liked that I wasn't his type, and feeling like a wall flower because of my shy personality and quietness around people until I figure out what they're like. Now that I'm in my 20's and have had my share of guys wanting to talk to me or tell me I'm attractive, I guess I come across as cold or snobby, when I'm really just watching and being careful before I talk. Not to mention, I am happily engaged and I'm also being careful that nothing I do or say is inappropriate in any way, even if I mean it strictly in a "friend" way. So now I'm insecure about being shy! It's a never ending cycle!
2)My insecurity comes from….plain and simple: my pride. (I cringe while writing this) I want to be noticed as beautiful, successful, and smart and good at what I do. And when I'm not, it's like taking blow to the gut, all the while I'm thinking, "What's wrong with me? Am I not good enough?"
1. Pride and personal disposition.
2. personal disposition was a relief to me as I have always hated being so sensitive. I cry at the wrong time, am easily embarrassed & sometimes feel such intense emotions that I think I'm going to break in half – I'm in tears just writing this answer. When I was just 6 yrs old I made up my mind NO ONE would get close to me or hurt me and I was 38 before I started to cry. When I did, I didn't stop for 4 solid years – 31 years of emotional pain is a LOT of pain.
Pride – I HATE the word, HATE the insecurity it breeds & especially HATE that I see it in myself & just wrestled with a huge dose of it yesterday at work. Only thing is, I didn't realize it was pride until I read Chapter 6. It would appear my work is cut out for me but it will be worth it because I want the healing more. I want to be all that God has intended me to be and to live for Him. He truly is my ONLY security!!! Praise Him!
Cindy, St. Louis, mid-50's, single
After a lot of prayer…the why in the world am I like this kind…I've lit on what I think are my two biggest culprits in insecurity's stealing my God-secured life.
1) I was an only child until I was five. My parents adopted a darling little boy and eleven months later my other brother was born. My mom got the mumps, (from me) when she was pregnant with him and at seven months my youngest brother got nephritis. The high fevers caused him to have severe seizures, a condition that became a life long battle. Our family was shaken to its very core by this…so I'm not sure if it would be loss or dramatic change but it was a doozy.
2)I fight pride every day. But on the other hand I feel less then good enough in most situations so I find myself working harder, buying gifts, paying compliments…anything to keep people liking me…sometimes I get just flat out exhausted.
Thank you to everyone who is having the courage to share their insecurities as well. I am learning so much!!! Siesta Mama Beth, Amanda and Melissa, thank you for being transparent as well. Isn't God awesome?
Leslie
married
50's
Clinton, Utah
Wow, these two chapters really shook my core. I have realized that my insecurity is brought on by almost all of the ideas listed, but since I have to pick only two, they are as follows:
Question 1
1. Instability in the home
My father was an alcoholic and cheated on my mother. That caused my mother to be emotionally unstable. I always wondered as a child when the other shoe was going to drop what was going to happen now.
Then when I was 11 my father left the house and my mom and I were alone. My mom was a nurse and worked the night shift. I was left alone all night while she worked, just thinking about that now makes my stomach churn.
Eventually my parents reconciled, he came home, but things were always tense and harsh words were used and I left the house as soon as I turned 18, went to college and married my husband.
2. Sensitivity
I am a very sensitive person. I feel everything. I do not want to hurt anyone even at the risk of making myself unhappy. I cannot stand for someone to be mad at me or even worse not like me. I tend to say YES even when I know I should say NO, and end up being resentful and unhappy.
Question 2
I definitely sense God speaking to me. He is telling me that he loves me and that he is with me. I need to learn to TRUST HIM with everything and concentrate on being still with Him so I can really hear Him, instead of talking AT HIM and trying to tell Him what to do. Just writing that I realize how DUMB that is that I would try to tell Him what to do. Geesh!
Shelley
Lakeland, Florida
30's
Married
1. Pride and Personal disposition
2. It was so neat to read that "people who are especially tender-hearted are significantly more predisposed to insecurity…some people take things harder and deeper to heart than others."
I totally get you when you said "identifying this as a possible contributor brought me signficant relief" – me too!
And as for pride, I underlined these statements: "We're that desperate for significance. We live our lives screaming 'Somebody notice me!'… that very need is built into our human hard drive to send us on a search for our Creator, who can assign us mor esignficance than we can handle… we no longer need pride to drive us, because we've found something infitinely more fulfilling: purpose."
And yet every day, every moment we are tempted to forget that, and we go back to silently crying "somebody notice me!" No wonder why we need daily reassurance from the Word and prayer.
Can't resist, another great quote related to pride:
"Eternity in the hearts of men… it doesn't get bigger than that. Created in the image of God, we instinctly know that something enormous is within us. Pride is the result of mistaking the eternal for the temporal…. we get fixated on every self-gain and every self-loss until, in our inordinate self-protection, we end up licking our wounds to the point where they can't heal…. we will never feel better about ourselves by becoming more consumed with ourselves. Likewise, we will never feel better about ourselves by feeling worse about others…."
"Until we sort the prode out of our insecuty, we cna't, in every sense of the saying, see the forest for the trees… owning it is a relief. Every time I do, I sense the glorious God-given release that follows repentance, and I wonder what took me so long."
Ann, mid-40's, married, VA
1) Instability and instability — yes I said it twice.
2) To quote the book, I believe God is speaking to me by teaching me that:
A. It's God that heals. Time only tells. The passage of days, weeks, and years can as easily amplify an old voice as weaken it. AND. . .
B. Insecurity that results from the way we've coped rather than healed.
I have let some old issues be amplified by time rather than healed by God. And my ways of coping have not lead to healing at all. In fact, in some ways, as I get older, I'm more insecure than I used to be from the instability and maybe even bitter toward those who should have offered stability. Now, I'm looking for healing . . .
Beth, I thank God for your gift of words and communication . . I did not realize these things before reading your words. I knew something was amiss, but I couldn't figure it out on my own.
Dear "Country Fried," I'm so glad you're part of this blog discussion and just as glad you were honest with us about where you feel you stand with God. Please hang in here for a while. Not only does God know you and love you but He is pursuing you. Your old Satan-based religion has absolutely no power over the Cross. Nothing can keep you from Jesus accept your own unwillingness to accept Him. Nothing can ever separate you from the love of God. Nothing. You cannot fathom the pit the rest of us on this blog have been in. We would qualify as just as unlovable in human terms. You are so welcome here! Please stick around! I am asking God to reveal His love to you in such a way that you cannot deny or resist Him. He is life, Sweet Thing. I'm honored to be your servant.
I laughed out loud to my husband yesterday as I was reading him the list of roots and said…how pathetic, I have all of them! I laughed even louder when I read the words that said "you are a miracle."
The 2 I would narrow down would be pride and rejection. The really sad part is that I have always cycled in and out with experiencing rejection > self-loathing > someone befriending me > pride (like I knew I was special) then I would be rejected again for the pride! These chapters serioulsy stirred up frustration and relief b/c 1) I am sick and tired of the life strangleling cycle that I am so ready to be done, and 2) I am so glad to feel normalized and validated!
I have just some out of a very very intense season with God and b/c I have had to go through so much baggage again to get it out of my life…it almost didn't end pretty. I am ready for God to make the enemy sorry.
I forgot to post this when we first started reading in Ch. 1! This song goes right along with with the title "Mad Enough to Change." It is called "Ready" by Britt Nicole! (By the way, it is also a great, upbeat song to work out to!)
Lately I've been reeling
Off the way you got me feeling
I've been tired of this for way too long
You give me answers when I didn't ask
You keep bringing up my past
Always play the same old song
Tired of buying all your lies
Acting like I am alright
So I hope you liked it last time 'cause that will be the final time I wear my painted smile
and sing along
Yesterday's where you belong
[CHORUS]
Ready, ready to put you behind me
Ready, ready to go
Ready, ready to show you the doorway
I think you need to know
That taking your time is out of the question
You're moving way too slow
I'll never stay down
I don't want you around
Ready, ready to go
Can I make it anymore clear?
You're no longer welcome here
I guess you need to hear it again
I've got a brand new life
Love's on my side
Games over, you lose I win
Yes, I'll tell you one more time
No see you later it's goodbye
Hey, you need to pay attention
I don't know how you keep missin' everything I'm trying to say
Listen close, I'm moving on
[CHORUS]
I'll put this behind me
The way you define me
Love says I'm something more
I'm over the pain
I'm done with the shame
I found what I waited for
You left me with scars
But He healed my heart
I found my place
SECURE in His arms
So, I'll put this behind me
Yeah, I'll put you behind
I'll put you behind me
[CHORUS]
Ready, ready, ready
Ready, ready, ready
Ready, ready, ready
Taking your time is out of the question
You're moving way too slow
I'll never stay down
I don't want you around
ready, ready to go
Yeah, I'll put this behind me
Taking your time is out of the question
Yeah, I'll put this behind me
Megan
OKC
24 on Tuesday! 🙂
Married 1 1/2 yrs.
Sharen
Flowery Branch,GA
50's
Single
The roots of my insecurity are a dramatic change and rejection. When I was 12, we moved from Chicago to a small town in central Illinois. I could not fit into any circle or clique. I was rejected by almost everyone. Part of this has to do with the fact that I have a couple of minor handicaps (My mom had Rubella when she was pregnant with me). Anyway, my brother had no trouble fitting in and developing friendships. He is very athletic, which did not hurt either because there are many things that I couldn't do because of my handicaps. Being athletic is a big deal in my family. The whole experience was horrific, especially when my mom said to me one day 'I wish you were more like ___'. I think the one thing that God did show me through this reading is that alot of the rejections I attributed to my parents were in reality not rejections. I was just so different that they did not know what to do.
1)Instability in the home. My dad was always telling my mom he was going to leave her one day and so I grew up wondering when that day would happen. The second root of insecurity for me is pride.
2)Insight: I'm "desperate for significance."
I am one of your 100.
Sherri
40 something
Mechanicsville, VA
married
I'm never sure how much to post, but I'm having second thoughts about my earlier post because I didn't mention that God restored me from my nervous exhaustion and my panic attacks. When I began on my spiritual journey to know God through Believing God in 2004, I began experiencing His peace. After doing Breaking Free in 2005, I began experiencing His presence. I had so many days of joy and felt so loved, I thanked Him for everything I had gone through that brought me to that point. God is real! His Word is Truth! And Jesus is trustworthy! I still have some work to do regarding deep-seated insecurity, but I am nowhere near the mess I was, and I felt I needed to give God the glory on this blog. 🙂
1). An unstable home as a child with lots of anger, guilt, perfectionism, verbal and physical abuse. That is hard to say coming from Christiam parents. I had a strict upbringing with views of God that were fearful, i.e God was to be feared; I did not see God as a loving God.
Second part of question: I have a sensitive disposition; I take things harder and deeper and always thought that was a "bad" personality trait.
2). What resonated with me was that the deeper roots of my insecurity are based in pride. No matter if we compare ourselves to women in the media or people we know-it triggers a response that we want to be "like" them. God is speaking to me about low self-esteem. I doubt my actions, responses, decisions and feel guilt when I think I made the "wrong" decision. I want to say "God forgive me, self get over it." I love that statement. I am going to use it often!!
1) 1. Instability in the home- specifically growing up with alcoholism.2.Rejection-initially related to feeling rejected by my father.
2) Growing up, I was always somewhat of a perfectionist. Life in my family was chaotic..I couldn't do anything about that,but I could organize my own little world(my room, my clothes,etc) .I hated all the lack of self control that I lived with,so I could be be self controlled myself.. All of this gave me a semblance of peace in the midst of my circumstances.But ..you talked about perfectionism ..and pride reared its ugly head.
I posted last week about "playing it safe";being afraid to try something new..and pride reared its ugly head again as I read the chapters for this week..
I have really thought a lot about this..it has bothered me a lot.God hates pride !! I want to crucify it in my life.. I pray that all the time..I have never thought about being a prideful person.. so it bothers me to realize this about myself..
In thinking and praying about it, I don't believe that my perfectionism and playing it safe started out as prideful. I was just a little kid trying to survive my childhood.. In my broken world,I was trying to find a safe place.
But I sensed the Lord saying to me.."see..this is what the enemy does. In your vulnerability,he gets you self-focused,and before you know it,your pride is involved. It's not that you want your pride to be involved,but it's the natural progression of this..remember,the enemy is very cunning..he twists and perverts things.. he hates you just like he hates Me..pride was his downfall,so he gets great glee out of pride being an issue for you. But remember..you are safe with Me..as you find your life in Me,I will bring healing and deliverance to you"
So,before it's all said and done,I'm not sure our pride doesn't end up being involved in all of our insecurities.
I'm not sure I can put this into words, but something clicked in my spirit ..and I feel like I am more aware of the enemies schemes.
Carole
60's
Married
Dunmore,WV
Pride and culture are the two primary roots of my struggle with insecurity.
Insight. One of my memory verses from last year was Hebrews 11:3. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made by what is visible.
Although I believed it, it didn't change me and I began praying that God would reveal this passage to me and that I would believe it to the core. It has sent me on a deeper quest to know my Creator and to know what being His creation means to me and my circumstances. I have so often tied my significance to my successes and career. Since moving and having to leave my job my significance has been in question. Throughout the year different morsels have been revealed and on P. 102-103 Beth spoke into this, "We're desperate for significance…somebody notice me…That's exactly how God made us…He never takes His eyes off us…we no longer need pride to drive us, because we've found something infinitely more fulfilling: purpose. He is the reason we are here."
It is not what we do but who we are that is important. This was all further confirmed for me in the process of offering help in a few menial tasks recently. I so enjoyed lending a hand, never expecting them to be more than they were, however, in both cases they came back as a huge answers to private prayers these people were praying. How fulfilling is that! That God went out of His way to coordinate my readings along with these seemingly trivial opportunities and convert them to purpose-filled encounters is amazing to me.
Beth – Although I've been devouring the book, I haven't commented yet. But chapters 5 and 6 have resonated with me deeply.
Remembering my life's greatest insecurities of "Significant Loss" and "Dramatic Change" have stirred me up inside. When I was 26 years old, my 25 year old sister was killed in a car wreck, leaving behind her husband, a 2 year old daughter, our parents, and two more younger sisters. I'll never ever never forget the 2:30 a.m. phone call, the mourning and deep lamenting of my parents – the grief we endured for years…
MY WORLD CHANGED FOREVER. Fear and insecurity became huge for me. I didn't want anyone I loved out of my sight – foolishly thinking I had control of their destiny by having them close by. I smothered my husband and two little boys, I felt guilty if I laughed or had fun during momentary lapses when I "forgot" that Jean was dead. I became angry at my parents for forgetting that they still had 3 living daughters. I was a mess. I was a very young Christian (and Pastor's wife) and had so much to learn. I even felt guilty when "church folks" tried to tell me she was in a better place. I didn't care about that – I wanted her here with us… So my pride got the best of me and as a young minister's wife I "stuffed" a lot of my grief to be spiritual on the outside. That backfired and 10 months after she died I had a meltdown as the supressed grief finally came out. (I still grieved at home for 3 or 4 days of crying and wailing and didn't want anyone to "know." The church folks just assumed I was sick… Isn't that so prideful?) I encourage others now that they must grieve – God made us that way.
As you wrote on page 85, this loss and change were "scars on the soul left by hardship." Everything in our family dynamics changed from that day forward.
And sweet friend you nailed the truth that it's GOD that heals – not time. There is never a holiday, birthday, or just a day alone that we don't miss her. I just thought of something else. I have lived as long without her as I did with her. She died when I was 26, and I am now 52. It still hurts.
When the healing and SECURITY that God gave me during those dark days finally came – it was straight from His Word. He does know it's scary to be us. How that comforts. Bless Melissa for that.
After a season when my fear and insecurity waned, I began to drop the anger and bitterness and to treasure the preciousness of life. Jean didn't get the chance to grow old or become a grandmother or see her daughter get married, but God was giving ME gifts every day and my mourning turned to praise.
I aim to be like the women of whom you wrote on page 96: "Not bitter or angry with an ax to grind."
There are times PRIDE jumps in my face and I struggle with vanity over extra pounds and wrinkles and "cultural insecurities." (I am so fashion challenged.) But my joy runs deeper than that when I remember a beautiful sister who didn't get the chance to experience life as I have. A grateful heart of praise will weed out my fear and insecurity every time.
I love you so,
Your Friend Always,
Georgia Jan
Hawkinsville, GA
52
Married
1. Primary roots= Instability & Rejection.
I feel like my mother, even though she's a good woman & loves the Lord,(& the Lord has truly set her free of all that I'm listing now)but she had some deep rejection issues in her life from losing her father @ a young age. She also had a bad temper @ times which made me feel unstable as a child. Her & my dad would argue alot.
I feel rejection due to really having my father's guidance. Even though I know he loves me deeply. He's very quite & not the kind to show his emotions. I think I was looking for the love of a man & became very sexually active in high school, trying to fill that void.
I'm still praying & reading for the 2nd question you asked us. Thanks.
50's
married
beth
florida
married
50s
1) Two primary roots of insecurity:
rejection and P-R-I-D-E…
I love the quote from Melissa, "He knows it's scary to be us"…that resonated with me.
2) God speaks to me from Psalm 139…"You knit me together in my mother's womb…You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." I was conceived by my birthmother on Memorial Day, almost aborted on Columbus Day, given up for adoption on Valentine's Day, and adopted by loving Christian parents on Easter…My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is with me every moment until I see Him again Face to face.
Julie
Alabama
30's
Married
1. My root is most definitely instability in the home. Even saying that makes me feel insecure. My father was an alcoholic and was abusive in just about every way a person can be abusive. I think I felt a rejection from him too, but I can't even remember that. I was very young. I just know that even now, he treats me more like his ex-wife than his daughter. I feel "over it", but I guess it's where insecurity comes creeping back up. Beyond that, I would say dramatic change has played a big part though more as an adult. Just in the past year, I've lost a house and my two-year old was diagnosed with T1 diabetes. I also had a miscarriage several years ago. I really want God to use all my life to help other people, but sometimes pride prevents me from being able to see past myself. I know God brought me to this book for a reason.
2. I feel God telling me that He is going to use my son in a mighty way for His glory. I want to be a part of that. I also directly hear Him telling me to give up my Pride. He also gave me some huge insight into my husband's insecurities. Hehe. I'm not avoiding, just being enlightened. 🙂
1) I could tell you I was happily oblivious to insecurity until my parents died while I was in my early 20's. Now every new milestone brings new insecurities. Like, having kids! We have an almost 3 y.o., a 16 mos. old and #3 coming on Memorial Day. We're happy as clams, but when people's eyes bug out at the existence of #3, I actually LIE and say that our birth control failed! Can you believe it? Why do I care what other people think?! But I feel like if I can't run things by my mom (and or dad) I'm not really sure how to think about something. And now I'm 34!! Sheesh. Which leads to…
2) Well, a silver lining is that my husband is now my best friend instead of my mom, and we're like this: (image of crossed fingers or something else happy and intimate). I feel like God is reminding me that the only people that have reigning opinions are Him, then my man and me. So I've stopped lying about the baby thing and even gone back and told people the truth and apologized for lying. I figure if I'm going to be a fool for Christ I better start practicing!
1. The 2 roots for me are Dramatic Change (several moves) and Personal Limitations (believing a lie for the past 8 yrs that a physical imperfection would cause rejection – at work, friends, etc. which by the grace of God I confronted, uncovered, and have been freed from for almost 4 months!)
2. Wow, God revealed so much to me in this chapter I don't know where to begin! Here are a few:
– "our hearts often translate sudden and dramatic change as either instability or a form of loss." (pg. 79) and "a history of unwelcomed changes can be a breeding ground for insecurity, because it invites you to become addicted to dread…. You cheat yourself of ever enjoying the terrific season you're experiencing because you're waiting any moment for it to change – an always for the worse."
– And on pg. 81, "Attitude is everything when it comes to limitations, and the way you view yourself will acutely shape how others view you."
And I LOOOOOVE what pg. 83 says, "You can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable." Amen! I love how all throughout the Bible we see so clearly the faults, weaknesses, and insecurities of the men and women God uses most! One of my favorite quotes is by Chuck Swindoll, "The greater our acknowledged weakness, the greater Christ's enabling strength." I love it!
Lauren
20's
Married
I'm another first time commenter…
1) I think the roots of my insecurity come from feeling as though no matter what I did, it was never enough to make my parents happy – especially my dad. I always felt that he favored my older sister.
2) Adult problems were shared with me when I was a child as a result of financial instability, alcohol problems, and a need for my mother to "vent." This continues on many years later.
I sense that God really wants me to rely on Him and trust that He loves me right now exactly as I am for who I am because He created me.
Michigan
40's