Hey, Girls!
I am sitting in the passenger seat of my man’s blue Ford truck with a bird dog’s head on my shoulder heading west to cactus country for a few days. Do you remember that place I told you about where I have to hike with a shotgun because of all the rattlesnakes? Yep, that’s where we’re headed. I don’t think I told you that Keith only lets me have one shotgun shell (thanks, Adrienne!) per walk so I only get to run into one snake at a time. For those of you who have been around for a while and are wondering, yes, we have Star, our Border Collie with us, too. She’s too busy looking out the window trying to herd the traffic to snuggle with me though. It would be tough to type with both on them on top of me anyway.
I’ve been thinking about you every single day. I have no idea how many of your comments I’ve read. Tons. Because we get the whole week to finish the assignments, I can read a certain amount almost every single day. I’m getting to keep up even better than I’d hoped. I really thought this would be a neat experience but you have surpassed my expectation in your answers and insights. The transparency is so incredibly refreshing. So many wonderful things have hit me in the last two weeks as we’ve gone through the first four chapters together. There’s one eye-opening and troubling thing I want to talk to you about before we proceed to our assignments. I’ve been touched by how many of you (thankfully) confessed that you even feel insecure about your comments and about whether or not the other women participating will think you’ve said something lame. Others mentioned being scared they’d misspell a word. As we seek freedom from God, let’s not let the enemy mess with us that way. Let’s not give over one inch of extra ground to the very issue we’re trying to escape.
What do you say we make this discussion stream a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE? What do you say we make a conscious choice not to compete with one another? Not to judge one another? Not to try to measure up to one another or feel less or more than the other? We have to put up with all that trash almost everywhere else a group of women meets up. We can make up our minds not to have to put up with that here. We are smart women. We can determine to share our struggles, challenges, and victories over insecurity without feeling insecure about them. Talk about double indemnity! In Jesus’ Name, let’s make up our minds to treat one another with respect but not give a rip about trying to keep up or compete. Even while we’re on our journey to freedom, let’s make this community a microcosm of what we hope, when it’s behind us, to find and to become. I can’t think of a better place for us to practice making up our minds not to let circumstances or people draw out our insecurities.
I esteem you highly and find you so entirely interesting. What I’ve learned from you already can’t be overstated. I have become increasingly certain over the last two weeks that God is up to something BIG among us. Bigger than I first thought. In fact, I can tell you this. There’s no way we came up with this. God is pursuing us. He’s setting us up to get sick and tired of our insecurity and to do anything we must in order to find wholeness in Him. Let’s not stop Him in any way.
Oops, I got distracted for a minute. We just stopped at a Valero’s near Llano, Texas, for a bathroom break and Star started barking her head off at a man minding his own business and walking into the store. “What on earth is the matter with you?” I asked. (To Star, of course. Not the man.) Then I saw what he was wearing. Short shorts with winter white legs and black socks. I think Star is terrified by black socks against bright legs. Somebody tell me why that dude didn’t feel insecure. Not really. Don’t get off on that. But admit it. It’s a mystery.
OK, so let’s get to this week’s assignments. We’ve reached a very important point in our journey. We’re about to dig up eight deep roots of insecurity. No, we’re not looking for excuses but a little understanding can go a mighty long way. Haven’t you ever wondered why it dogs you so? You may be about to find out. This week I’d like for you to give special attention to Chapters FIVE and SIX. Here are the two questions I want you to answer here on the blog:
1. After reading these two chapters, what do you believe to be the TWO primary roots of your struggle with insecurity? Keep in mind that more may apply but try to lock in on two that you believe to be most impactful.
2. What, if any, insight did you gain about the roots of insecurity and did you sense that God was trying to speak to you in any specific way through it? (This answer does not need to be limited to the two roots you identified in the previous response.)
These may sound like simple questions but I promise you we will have some interesting reading this week. Go to it, Girlfriends! I can’t wait to hear from you. Remember, you have until next Thursday morning to make your comment. By the way, a number of you have asked if women can jump in late with us. Absolutely! Any time. Everybody’s welcome.
Here’s a special challenge this week: Let’s still hear from all of you who’ve been commenting over the last two weeks but let’s ALSO hear from at least one hundred of you who have never posted before. Remember, this is a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE. Get in there and learn how to make a comment and if you find it posted later and see that you misspelled a word, who cares? This journey will mean ten times more to you if you get all the way into it. Come on in and participate. This is a really cool group of women.
Come, Lord Jesus, and minister to us. Open our eyes. Open our hearts. Grant us signs of great freedom and healing even this week as we discover where our insecurities may be coming from. We know, Lord, that no flesh and blood can bring us what we need. If we come out of this with liberty, all glory will go to You alone. I love You, Father. Do Your Thing.
Zdenka 
Ashley
Huddleston, VA
20s
married
1. Rejection and pride. The pride I knew about. I'm one of those who others would think has absolutely no reason to be insecure – I can see that too, so I am aware that most of my insecurity comes from within. As for the rejection, I had precious few friends growing up, and the ones I had I hung onto for dear life even though they weren't the best for me. Since then I surround myself with people who need me, because I figure if they need me they can't reject me. And I try to avoid dependence at any cost. There's pride in rejection too.
2. I have long been convicted by the Holy Spirit of my pride, but only because it is sin in itself. I am learning that pride has led to a host of other issues in my life – insecurity, fear, perfectionism, complacency – and that in holding onto my pride I am choosing to separate myself from God. Old habits die hard, and it's going to take a hit on my pride that I can't overcome my pride by myself.
Thank you again Beth for touching on those areas of our lives that need to be voiced and turned over to God for healing.
Roots of insecurity in my life comes from Instability in the home. If I go there…it can be draining to think or even talk about. I am just ready to let it all go and gibe it to God. Rejection is the flip side from the instability…Beth said, Rejection will set up history to repeat itself over and over as the rejected side of us forms those relationships that will prove that we will be rejected again." Bingo!
@.Chapter 6 helped me see how pride has kept me from moving forward in the healing process.God within me is greater than any ego based self. I'm ready for God to give my ego the boot!
I grew up in a home with a very controlling father. I know he loved me, but sometimes when he would punish me I would not know what I had done. And often he would punish me in front of others. I guess you could also say he was overinvolved in my life. Now that I am grown, he has apologized for many of his mistakes, and I have forgiven him, but I have put up a wall with him that I can't quite tear down yet. I think this is one of the roots of my insecurity because he controlled so much of my life I didn't know what to do when I got out on my own…I didn't have confidence in what I could do. He would always talk about how pretty I was but never built me up about what I could do. There was such a focus on appearance (and my sister was prettier than me). Sometimes I still have that feeling that I can't do (fill in the blank).
The other thing was rejection by my peers as a child. I was socially imature. I got teased a lot because I was tall and skinny, and the boys would call me names. I did not have the skills to cope with this and could not admit to my parents that I was having a hard time. I guess I felt ashamed.
Well, looking back at what I just wrote, I guess I have painted a pretty dismal picture.
One thing I think God is showing me is that I view my whole life as black or white. If I mess up during the day then the whole day is messed up. For example, if I eat a couple of cookies, I feel I need to eat 10 cookies because I have blown it. Or if I have wasted part of my day, then the whole day is ruined. I am not sure where this comes from but now that I am aware of it, I am trying to realize that I can start fresh every moment. And that cleaning part of the bathroom is better than not cleaning anything…
This has been a longer post than I meant but putting it in writing helps put it in perspective.
Thanks for writing this book and giving us a chance to express ourselves!
Melissa
40s
married
Forgive me for reposting my story. Could not figure out how to attach a name to myself so it was posted as anonymous. In the interest of true authenticity I feel I must repost with my identity.
WOW, I was convicted just reading Beth’s words for this weeks reading assignment that many of us even feel insecure about posting our comments. Looking back I have felt insecure most of my life. The roots come from many different sources – the instability and chaos of growing up in an alcoholic home with a very abuse alcoholic father (physically abusive of my mother which I witnessed on several occasions and of course experiencing the trauma of the after effects of the injuries to her). Even though I was only 3 when they divorced, I suffered from PTSS for many years. Even now at the age of 59 it will recur sometimes when triggered. On the heels of their divorce my mother became involved in a very obsessive love relationship with my adoptive father whom she married when I was 10 (also an alcoholic). Although he was not violent, they argued a lot and I lived with the fear of violence through their anger until I left home at the age of 21. Also the root of sexual abuse at the hands of my adoptive father, whom I loved and adored and whom I thought loved me, when I was 4 and 13 which I have since learned left lasting effects that I may never fully overcome even though God has already accomplished an enormous healing from it. Then the last and deepest betrayal after a 31 year marriage to, as it turns out, a man who is also an alcoholic (big surprise). After 31 years he chose to leave me first (2002) for the bottle then chose divorce (2008) for a younger woman rather than work on our marriage. The last betrayal is what I am struggling with most right now. That betrayal has so unhinged me that after two years I wonder if I will ever recover enough to enjoy life again. To make matters worse I have recently gone back to work in a hair salon with 12 women, (tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor). Women from all walks of life, background, ages, shapes and sizes. Not to mention the customers that come in. I feel like I’m in the school for insecurity every time I go to work. Until I started reading this book I never realized how much time I spend comparing myself to others, it’s so subtle that until this material made me consciously look for it I never realized it. I’m starting this book on the heels of studying Esther, one of my all time favorite books of the bible. I so want to become a woman of substance and confidence and not be knocked off my feet by fear and insecurity by the circumstances of life. Courageous enough to live life as it comes, and not always settle for the safe and secure, because life has taught me you can never be safe and secure enough. Something else will inevitably happen to know you off your feet whether you live life to the fullest or play it safe and settle for the mediocre.
I love you Beth and am amazed how God uses your ministry to know just what I need. I believe I have been born for such a time as this and it’s time to let him walk me through the healing process from my fears and insecurities. I love all your comments so much and find myself in your stories so much of the time. Thanks for sharing one and all.
P.S. Just finished this weeks reading and read the section on being tenderhearted and pride. I too have become grateful for God giving me a tender heart but see now how that can reinforce insecurities. I sometimes have the need to be all things to all people and carry the pain of others as though it were my own. I have been learning to set boundaries on my emotions so they don’t carry me away quite so easily. And Pride, my ego, what can I say, this is a big one that kicks in so readily and makes me want to hide at every inference to being “less than” whether intentional or not. My imagination reads “less than” so easily in the words and actions of others, it at times can make my head spin.
Zdenka
59
Divorced
Niceville, FL
1. Instability at home and Pride – am a child of divorce. I'm just realizing what a toll that takes on us. Whew, talk about a boat load of insecurity. My Dad then exited out of our lives and my Mom was left with 4 young children to raise with very little money. We then had to change schools and were pretty much left on our own to raise ourselves after that. For the life of me, I don't know why in the world I am prideful, but I am. I know there is nothing that I possess that was not given to me by the Hands of God. It's funny, but I've always asked God the very question of how I can be so deeply insecure and with an ugly pride problem at the same time, just like you say in your book. Help and forgive me, Lord.
2. God keeps reminding me that I can trust Him. Even when life is hard and maybe especially when it is. It is all about Him. He's never leaving me and He won't get off me either. He never lets up and I'm so glad of that.
Beth, because of your encouragement, I am learning that He really does love me. And it's the love that is the motivation to live a life that pleases Him. I just need to learn to receive it. Oh, help us, Lord – please help us.
Gretchen
Thousand Oaks, CA
I think the two events or areas in my life that have made me insecure the most are the death of my father when I was 18 and my divorce from my first husband at the age of 20. To marry your high school sweetheart who you had been with forever then be left for another woman after 18 months of marriage is definitely a drastic change. This all happened almost 20 years ago, but this book is really opening my eyes to how that has affected me to this day. I may think I'm over it, but I know both events still shade a lot of how I feel as a woman and a wife.
Trish
St. Louis, MO
30's
First time commentor!
Happily married for 10 years!
Cheryl in Texas
Married
52
I am following by tape and book so I don't miss a thing. I grew up in a middle class home with a mother and father who were about as good as human parents could get. The family unit was strong, no one ever abused me, we weren't poor
( though not rich )…I had everything I could have needed. I was always the best in whatever I did be it athletics ( ok scholastically I was not tops but stood comfortably in the top 10%) Yet somewhere along the way, I picked up insecurities. It must have been my self image or lack there of; a spirit of rejection or not being comfortable in "women's skin"that led me down the road to destruction starting in my 20's. I can not put my finger on it . I have worked through much of the consequences of my actions and understand that God sees me through His eyes . I hope to be able to "diss" whatever the remainder of "it" is and fill that void with the thoughts of being the "Bride". It's odd that the Lord would have me own a spa, catering to nothing but image ( inside and out)…kind of ironic huh?
Barb, Prescott Valley, AZ 50's Married
1. My 2 Primary Roots: Perceived Rejection & Pride. (really, pride, me? Yup! I was surprised at just how much the description fit!)
I say "perceived" rejection because I am the oldest of 4 in 4.5 years. My parents did what they thought was best – trying not to "spoil" me so I could deal with the new arrival but I came to believe that I was not important, not worth loving. And I have always been a doormat and a people pleaser – how could pride be part of that? Underneath & driving it, it seems because the perfectionist paragraph describes me, esp.: the 'defensivness & huge expectations beneath my self-contempt'. 🙁
2. I also think my disposition factors in to the way I perceive(d) rejection and they way I have dealt with life. (Thank you for that revelation!) And Yes, I have experienced pg. 84 top paragraph: 'Joys are huge & sorrows are devastating: wondering how I will go on, I pour another cup of coffee & suddenly am on to the next emotion!' Losing my tender heart while defeating this insecurity, has also been a concern of mine.
Knowing that one of my main roots is pride wasnt really a relief, except that now I am more aware & need to learn to recognize it, rebuke it, & ask for forgiveness.
I am learning so much from everyone's posts as well as Beth's words, thank you all!! And WELCOME to the new 'posters'. Love to you all, Barb
I have tried to leave messages but they do not go thru I don't know why
1. a) I would say that other girls (sio called friends) is one VERY big root of insecurity for me. I mus say that I have been trampled on by all sorts of people, including some that I thought were dear friends… that can make anyone insecure!!!
b) Another would be my work at home or in the office I am constantly trying to make everything perfect and have panic attacks when I do not live up to what I think I should…
I already knew these were my challenges and had been working on them but this book has opened my eyes even wider on the matter!!! In the 1st one I am working on learning how peop are and accepting it and also standing up for my self and not letting people walk all over me…. and the other I have not figured out!!!!!
Amanda
Birmingham AL
25
Married, 40's
My 2 main roots of insecurity are personal rejection and the culture we live in right now. (Pride is in there, too, but you said list 2!)
2) repentance is a theme in my life right now. You are right that society takes away conviction of sin to make us feel "better". You are also right that nothing heals but God, and unforgiveness and self pity and just regular sin keeps me from being healed of those things that I keep begging God to heal.
I know I have used pride as a defense against rejection, when the answer was forgiveness, sorrow, and running to God to heal my hurts.
1) Personal Disposition and Culture.
I happen to be one of those that was and is, blessed with an incredible home life. My parents are still madly in love with one another, my Dad is the kind of hero that every daughter dreams of and my Mom is the great balance of nuturing Mom and friend that all of my friends wished they had. Their love for eachother taught me how to love, and I cannot ever tell them enough what they've given me. I also haven't really experience major loss (outside of my recent miscarriage) or abuse, or any other traumatic event. I am super sensitive and hard on myself. So, with my personal disposition I then get a cloudy head with what bombards my eyes every day. Skinny. Perfect bodies. And my mirror shows me otherwise.
2)Reading that personal disposition is a valid reason for insecurity was eye-opening. I thought as I read the first few, "geesh, can I be insecure without these reasons?!" But God is telling me that I have much more control over what causes me to be insecure than others do. And that with Him, I CAN get a grip on myself! Haha! That since I KNOW my disposition is one that can breed insecurity, I have to do a better job of protecting myself.
*(And a side note…this is the 3rd name I've used to post. I was so worried someone would figure me out. HA!!! But seriously….it's the last name change. 🙂
Tricia
50's
Married
Palmdale, CA
My 1st primary root of insecurity is rejection. This began in 1st grade when my adult teeth came in buck. Children as you well know Beth and ladies, can be brutal.I was cast out by my peers and known as Bucked Tooth Beaver to them until my father was able to afford braces in high school.The second root is change. My father moved our family from the east coast where all our family was to the west coast.
God uses change to change us. I am grateful for this insight after suffering for the last 10 years since my divorce from my husband of 20 years. My children and I went through many hardships. My youngest began trying to kill herself at 11 and my oldest at 16 began a long battle with drug addiction. He is still going through his battle and I pray for him daily that he will hit bottom, God willing. I met my wonderful husband 2 years ago and I truelly apprechiate every day with him. God sent me a good man, but if I hadn't gone through all that I probably wouldn,t. God closes one doorand opens another.
Oh man! I forgot my info!
Krystle
Married
20's
Southern Oregon
🙂
1) Pride/Perfectionism and Sensitive Personal Disposition… these are probably the top two. It is so amazing, though, how very complicated and intertwined several of these roots are/can be!
2) So much to discuss…however, I will share something that surprised me. Through reading the book and ministering to a dear friend going through cancer, I have realized just how many people throughout my life (beginning in childhood) I have seen suffer through cancer, or some other great tragedy. Most have died. Most have been professing believers and I know I will see again. Maybe because it has not been a parent or spouse or child, I have assumed these losses really didn't have that HUGE an impact. But God is showing me they DID! It has greatly affected me in many ways, I am realizing now.
One more thing, I cannot overemphansize the importance of being grounded in and daily digging in God's Word to make sense of all these things as HE desires. He is faithful to bring to me answers and direction straight from His Word. All Glory to Him!
Thanks Beth for the accountability of this study!
Lori
Rock Hill
Okay, so I have to confess that this is my first post (minus roll call). I have not finished my week 3 homework yet due to some unforseen things (KITCHEN REMODEL YUCK). Anyhow, I do have some insight that I found amazing this week on the topic of insecurity. I am a 26 year old woman (mother of a 16 month old with a full time career) who doesn't have time to get her hair and nails done! So this past weekend our church hosted a women's health day. I was able to attend and enjoy myself. As I sat there getting a nice up-do and my nails done I felt like a million bucks. Then I left there an immediately became insecure as to does my hair still look okay and my nails are going to chip and do I look funny now. Okay so I am obviously confessing I need this book like you wouldn't believe. But I really found it interesting that something as simple as painting your nails could bring us women to our insecure knees! Pathetic I know! So I am confessing this day that I WILL DO ALL I CAN TO BECOME SECURE IN WHO I AM THROUGH GOD ALONE AND WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! SO I WILL SUCCEED!
Thank you ladies for allowing me to clear my mind and shout my case for getting over this insecurity that we bring upon ourselves and each other!
All of the posts I've read in the past few weeks have brought such insight, joy, tears & laughter it's just amazing this 'blogging' thing! So I had to (finally) get on here and post my responses, too!
1) My two strongest roots are most certainly rolled in together: a significant loss & dramatic change having lost my dad the summer before starting 4th grade and then selling our home and moving with my mom to Southern CA.
2.When I read this sentence 'Insecurity that results from the way we've coped rather than healed' I took a long look at those long years/decades of doing it my way and telling God to 'talk to the hand – I know what I'm doing' and He lovingly has shown me in the last nine years the difference between just coping (or my version of it) and HIS healing!
Oh Lord, that all of us going through this study as well as our sisters going through or who have gone through "Breaking Free" can be delivered by You from these insecurities and strongholds more & more each day!
Evelyn
Palmdale, CA
49, married
Tara
Philippines
30's
Married
Still no book. I could cry my little eyes out. :-0 Just contacted Amazon to see what the deal is. Boo-hoo!
1. personal limitations (being overweight starting at age 6) which led to rejection (it definitely felt like rejection but looking back now it may have been perceived rejection)
2. God had shown me in the past few years what has been the root of my stronghold, so this was not any new insight. However, one thing I found very interesting was the gender we had our insecurities with is the gender we still struggle with over insecurities. This is so true for me! Thanks for that insight. God is giving me the determination to make the devil sorry he ever messed with me on this issue – I will overcome!
1. I am thinking my primary root of insecurity is a significant loss. What is new to me is that I didn't think I was "allowed" to let this define me or influence me. My mother died of brain cancer when I was 8. I can remember a little bit of the experience, but the way we "dealt" with it was move on, don't talk about it, be strong, don't use the loss as an excuse.
2. I sense God telling me I need to deal with some pride in my life. I truly think of myself as a humble person, but maybe it is prideful to think that! I am a mess, but so incredibly thankful that God wants to tend to it.
Karen
50
Kansas
married
1. rejection and Dramatic change.
2.I was surprised about what was said about pride and i can see how that adds to it all.
because of rejection I have put walls up to protect my heart against being hurt. God is showing me that those walls aren't only keeping those around me at arms length but also affecting my relationship with him. I am working on chipping away at those walls and praying that this book will help with that.
married 40's
Janie
Iowa
50's
Nearing the end of week 3 comments, I am a bit puzzled and sad with the number of active participants. This is such a wonderful study. We originally had nearly 6000 eager sisters sign on for the journey yet only now 617 comments? Are we so easy to give up when it is painful, or are we letting others share their challenges while we remain safe? For better or worse, I try to post my personal insight each week. But now I wonder how many are just sitting home reading our sometimes very painful moments and not giving us the benefit of their life lessons. Aren't we all to help each other make a united healthy body of Christ? Don't each of our experiences help the others? Just thinking. . .
1. Significant loss due to loss of innocence as a child and rejection – never felt loved as a child. Tried to have a relationship with parents and it just never happened. There were never home (and mostly left us by ourselves – even very young) and things happened in the home that never should – thus the loss on innocence.
2. I sensed the Lord healing my heart even more – thought I was over all that happened. He has brought memories to my mind and wants the root out for good. He has proven the scripture so true -"though your Father and Mother reject you – I will never reject you". God is my Daddy. He has also brought teens in my life to love on in the midst of troubled situations at home. He is showing me that if I had not gone through what I had as a child I could not comprehende their pain as I do. Everything we go through is a gift if we allow Him to redeem it. Blessed I get to see the redemption now. Hope that made sense – came from a full heart.
Oh my, did these chapters speak to me. The two primary roots to my insecurity are “Instability in the Home” and “Significant Loss”. They go hand-in-hand. I was very fortunate to have grown up with two wonderful parents who loved each other and loved me to pieces. There was never any doubt in my mind. So what was my problem you might wonder? My parents were older when I was born – at least older for growing up in the 60’s. Having older parents meant having parents with medical problems. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 4 or 5 years old. Honestly, I don’t remember any of her struggles but what I have a vivid memory of is my grandmother and aunt staying at our house with me while mom was in the hospital having surgery. I don’t remember how long she was in the hospital or how long the recovery required but I’m certain that’s when my insecurity began. My daddy, who was by accounts healthy, did suffer from high blood pressure and was hospitalized several times when it would get out of control. Just a few days before my 16th birthday, my mom was diagnosed with cancer again. This time the news was not as positive. The doctors told her they could prolong her life a few months but not cure her. Oh my gosh, did she ever fight that disease. Her goal was to see her daughter graduate from high school. The last year of her life, my senior year of high school, she was unable to stay alone. Daddy hired a nurse to stay with her during the day while he was at work and I was at school. But, when I got home from school, I took over the care giving until daddy got home from work. He and I shared cooking duties, house cleaning duties and of course, health care duties. Instead of living a carefree senior year in high school, I was home watching my sweet, precious mother die a slow, agonizing death. Mom surpassed her goal by 10 months. She went to be with Jesus 10 months after I graduated from high school. There is no doubt her illness and death shaped my life and caused me to make some really poor decisions in my early adult life because of insecurity. When I was 35, my dear, sweet daddy passed away and Beth, how I can so relate to feeling like an orphan. I remember vividly sitting on my bed sobbing as my ex-husband attempted to comfort me and screeching at him, “You don’t understand, I’m a 35-year old orphan”. Since that time, God has really done an amazing work in me. He has grown me in ways I never thought possible. He led me out of a really bad marriage – yes, I am convinced, he led me out and led me straight into the arms of an incredible man. He led me into an awesome job and a beautiful life. Oh yes, the job is definitely a God-thing! Insecurity still raises its ugly head but I know God is not finished with me yet. He is amazing!
Beverly
McCalla, AL
50
1. One of my roots is instability in the home. I am just coming to realize this as an adult. So much of our family life was stuck in "survival" mode.
2. My other main roots is pride. I've built walls up in so many areas in attempts to protect myself from criticism and failure. But now I am seeing how it "keeps my heart from healing."
I feel as if I'm in a recognition phase. I am able to see myself and my mother through different glasses. Now is the time to make deliberate choices to change the future. I will plant seeds of truth – the Word of God – and watch and pray over them like a precious crop in order to reap a harvest. Thank you Lord for your extravagant mercy and grace!
Married
30's
California
1. What started out as instability in the home lead to a signigicant loss (mama and daddy divorced) and this lead to a feeling of rejection. Daddy left me and then mama had to get rid of one of us – seh had 5 kids to raise alone 45 years ago and I was the smallest and was sent to live with an aunt, and that lead to a dramatic change! Sorry that was more than two!
2. I was blown away by the chapters – I understand why I am so insucure. I was messed up as a child and that is still hard to deal with. Lots of things happen to your mind as a child – you have questions you dont know how to ask and so they never get answers. People are too busy to sit and explain stuff, so you end up jsut feeling the rejection over and over. This week God has reminded me that He has never and will never reject me. He is the main thing – He is most important and His way is the right way. I need to be faithful to Him.
Vicki
Al
52
Marnie
Berwyn, PA
Single
30’s
Without question the top two roots of my insecurity our PRIDE and rejection. In fact just reading the rejection section of chapter 5 took me back to that season of my life and brought me to tears. One part of that rejection was very real break up from my first really serious boyfriend, who told me one day that he liked someone else. Although I am not proud of this, I realize that event still impacts how I relate to men. The second part of that rejection probably more perceived, but following that event I longed for my dad to connect with, and to love and value me as a woman. Unfortunately, this was not his strongest suit and as a result I still find myself unpacking the rejection I have felt from him. But equally as powerful and devastating is the root of pride – that is so desperate for significance – that as Beth says cries “somebody notice me” and yet that same root at times prevents me from transparency that brings intimacy with others that might ease this thirst for significance.
The question that has reverberated in my heart over the last week has been, where are you looking for your significance and healing? I truly sense God’s sweet and gracious voice calling for me to look to him and rest in the certainty and security of my identity in Him. I look forward to fleshing this out further in the coming chapters and in my times of prayer and confession!
My roots of insecurity are Rejection (This may be imagined rejection, because I do not have any specific incidences of rejection, just the constant feeling in my life that I am being rejected.) and Pride. I am a perfectionist. I have always felt like it was an art form and have taken great pride in my perfectionism. This chapter has revealed to me that perhaps my constant drive to be perfect at everything is rooted in my pride and my fear of being rejected if I am not perfect.
Liz
Atlanta, Ga.
30's
married
Dear Father in heaven so many of these dear ladies have had some really hard things to deal with. thank you that you say to address you as Father. yours by your Son's work.
roots of insecurity, disposition and pride. My daughter was sharing a frustration the other day, I said, "I didn't do it" She said , "Mom your not the center of the world, I'm just blowing off steam I didn't say you did it" ouch. My pride leading me to think I was in control of her world.
married, 51,Oregon
Lee
Leola, PA
60 Married
Personal limitations and pride.
On the surface it would seem like I had an ideal childhood and it has always been hard for me to identify any roots to my insecurity issues. Thanks for the chapters on common roots. Personal limitations seems to be the one that most affects me: I was sent to Kindergarten at age 4 and was ADHD, which was unheard of 56 years ago. While I was fully capable of doing the academics, my behavior was less than desirable and I was constantly being criticized at school and often at home. “Be quiet, sit still, mind your own business, sit down, stop talking, why can’ t you listen to us” were constants in my life until around 5th grade. I also vividly recall overhearing my aunt telling friends that my parents didn’t know what to do with me. As I read the book, it became more and more apparent to me.
WOW! I'm loving this group… it's so hard to really get people to share and talk about what is really going on, but here…well, this is just great.
Anyway, my primary roots are rejection and pride. My daddy was a provider. Meaning that most of my jr and sr high school years, he was working 7 days a week, 8 to 10 hour days. Then he would come home a sleep through the news and any other program on, until it was time to go to bed. He was neither physically or emotionally availble to me. So, of course, I fell in love… and gave that young man my whole heart. When HE dumped me a year or so later, I was totally devistated. I was constantly told to "get over it" and "he isn't worth it"… I'm not sure I ever have. But, I'm believing that for the first time in a long time, there actually may be healing available. SO, of course, my second root is Pride. I want to be important. (duh!) And, I know in my head that I am important to HIM, but my heart just seems to forget that most of the time. some kind of disconnect. ?
Not, sure, but… my computer at home decided to bath in diet coke, (funny how that happens when I'm thinking that I'm really headed in the right direction?) so I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to keep up with everyone, I'm sneaking this comment in over lunch…I'm going to do my best…
Chris
48
Single
plain City Ohio
Fonda
Houston
40's
Married
1. Two primary roots of insecurity: rejection and instability in the home
2. Biggest Insight: Isaiah 46:4, I still need to be loved as a child…and He has been loving me since I was conceived. Mercy, I needed to hear that.
Tammy
Clarksville, TN
30s
married
1. I think the biggest root of insecurity for me comes from instability in the home. My parents separated when I was in 9th grade, but then chose to stay together. To some, that might sound like a great ending, but it wasn't. Their marriage is horrible. They do not see eye to eye, they are cruel (verbally) to one another, etc. When they decided to stay together, I remember making a vow to myself to not get my hopes up because I didn't think it would last and I didn't want to get hurt again. Even though it did "last", it would not be what I would call a "happy" marriage.
2. My second root of insecurity is tied very closely to the first – rejection. This has taken on many forms in my life, but, even as I type this, I have just remembered one of the biggest times of feeling rejected in my life. Back to when my parents were separated, I overheard my mother on the phone with her mother (she thought I was asleep) and they were discussing possible custody issues with me. My main memory of that conversation was my mom saying that my dad didn't want custody and she really didn't either so she wasn't sure what she was going to do.
As for insights…there are so many! But, what amazes me right now, is that not only is God allowing me to start really seeing where some of my insecurity comes from but is also allowing me to get a feel for where others, such as my mother's, insecurity might be coming from as well. To me, that is a huge step in the healing process. Being able to start truly understanding where the person who hurt me is coming from is starting to free me from the bitterness I have felt.
Thank you, Beth, for allowing God to so powerfully use you!
My primary root of insecurity, as much as I hate to admit it, is PRIDE. So much so that I can't even name a 2nd because they all pale in comparison for me.
I was raised in a fairly stable home with no major issues, changes or traumas, and I was the apple of my daddy's eye. Once I graduated and left home, I just assumed that I would be the apple of everyone elses' eyes. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that–oh my goodness–I was not. Not even close!
What struck me most profoundly, or rather slapped me in the face, was the quote by Richard Winter. Oh my gosh, that is me!!! And where you said that big egos insist on being "the" and not just "a". And I always thought I was so humble. My poor husband and kids, I must have made their lives miserable more times than I care to count. I can't tell you the relief I feel as I confess this to God and my excitement as I look forward to life without this yuckiness!!
Shelley
Ft. Worth, TX
40's
Married
1. The two roots that really stood out were instability in the home and rejection. Like you Beth, I come from a backgroud of childhood victimization. Add to that being constantly teased as a child because I didn't look like everyone else (my parents are native american) and you got yourself one messed-up view of yourself. I've lived most of my life feeling so alone and such an outcast. Never believing that anyone would like me if they knew my "secret". The shame was crushing. Sucide was an option that I continually entertained. And murder (against the one who violated me) to be completely honest. But I can honestly say, God has done such a work in my life that those bonds of shame are gone and nearly all the insecurity that went with it. This book has been a thought-provoking look at my life. Where I've come from, what God has already healed and what's still left to deal with. Praise Him for a recovering heart! Thank you Beth for getting us to face the hard things of life.
2. Insights gained – This book has brought so many things to light, so much understanding of why I do some of the goofy things I do, why others do the goofy things they do and so many little statements of truth that just hit me right between the eyes. And that whole section on pride was so telling. I thought I was weird because I couldn't grasp how someone who was insecure of her abilites could at the same time get prideful. Now I can how those two things can live in the same heart. And I'm praying that God's complete healing of this battered heart.
Forgot my info
Karen
Virginia Beach, VA
40's
Married
Ginger
married
34
Missouri
I think my main root of insecurity comes from the fact that my parents divorced when I was 5, borther 4 and sister 3. My mom was left as a single mom (she did great) but still can't feel that hole in a little girls heart.
And by the way, Beth, you need two shotgun shells. First one aim into the sky, away from you and fire. This heats up the barrel then, point the gun toward the snake, it will raise its head to the end of the barrel, no way to miss it then!!! : ) From one misplace Texan to another!
Tami in Tyler, TX
39 and married
Thankful for this book and all you ladies.
My apologies up front for hijacking so much comment space, however I feel compelled to share something I've been scared to say out loud. Please read sincere love in exhortation for #2. I've been encouraged by so much wisdom and realness from honest hearts on this beautiful blog and pray that someone else might also be encouraged by my little victory and do the (persistent) work to get it for themselves too.
#1. One of my primary roots of insecurity is rejection. Mrs. Moore, in one of the Esther videos, you quoted someone who said something like, "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." It pierced my heart instantly as the sad child (I used to be), and as a mother who desperately wants to know how break a cycle of rejection from mother to child that's been passed down for at least two generations in my family. God has healed me, and I want to ensure as I raise my precious children that I keep that damaging cycle where it needs to stay…in the past. I want to leave a new legacy of security for my babes – especially my daughter.
I'm surprised and ashamed to admit that my second root is (~gulp~) pride. It shows up in perfectionism, and I never would have linked the two. "They have excessively high personal standards and an exaggerated emphasis on precision, order and organization, which suggests an aspiration to be better than others." Ouch. My mother passed away 2.5 years ago, but I wonder if I'm still trying to do better than her. I didn't see that until this read. Thank you.
#2. Regarding media being a primary root of insecurity, I am compelled to stand in 100% agreement to the statement regarding today's scandalous media that "We're so accustomed to it now that we're growing oblivious to the toll it's taking on us." TV shows without any semblance of godliness (but we watch for the "good writing"), movies that show someone else's body that we were never meant to see (not to mention riddled with adulterous story lines as comedic), shameful song lyrics that we justify because of the "catchy tune" that swirl in our minds (better than the Word) but are totally contrary to anything "pure, noble, excellent or praiseworthy," — all of these things satan uses to ultimately hardens our hearts to truth and we now tolerate (and laugh at) what we should instead be fleeing from. We should be madder than H-E-double hockey sticks at the enemy for the scheme he has gotten away with in convincing society that it's "mindless entertainment." NOTHING is mindless. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
My passion regarding this is because it is one area where I have achieved victory in Christ (and maintained it for 6 years, praise God) and I know and experience the freedom that has accompanied this kind of refrain. Only one of the many rewards for mindful abstinence from such things is the renewed security I have in my body and looks. Of course I still think it would be nice if things were as perky and lean and less wrinkley as when I was in my 20's, but no way would I trade back down to the emptiness that filled that perky little body when I looked to Hollywood to tell me how to dress, act and look. Oh how I long for others to know this particular kind of freedom too! "I've spoken my peace and counted to three."
SD CA
49
Married
I CAN'T pick two top Roots. I choose, ALL OF THE ABOVE!
I have not stopped moving since age 3. Right now I find myself in a new place struggling once more with adjustment. At the age of 6 a stranger befriended our family just to get his hands on me and my sisters. My 23 year old brother died in a car accident when I was 24. I ALWAYS had to work so hard to do well in school, so I don't see my self as an intelligent person, even though I am a college graduate and also home-schooled my children for most of their formative years. My parents divorced after over 30 years of marriage. My mom needed more attention so she found it elsewhere. My father died when my children where only 5 and 3. Our culture…I look in the mirror and tell myself I am not so bad looking (as if I could convince myself of that) and wonder if my husband finds me attractive. I was born with a tender heart, so sensitive to everything said or implied or perceived.
All of these have experiences have left large scars on my body. As I look back on what I just wrote I guess my biggest Root issue wold be…it would be PRIDE mixed in with lack of self-confidence.
At this time in my life I just want to feel significant. Unfortunately, the only person I know in SD is my husband and well… he is a bit busy with his new job right now. "Woe is Me"…I know I sound pitiful. Sorry.
two primary roots of insecurity: a major rejection (from the man i thought i was going to marry) and pride (almost as a result of the rejection, but rooted very deeply).
i've realized that i've been thinking my worth was tied up in my relationships, and because of that, i've agonized over myself and my relationships as well. (somehow as a high school girl, i knew this was not true and had amazing confidence, but the big rejection mentioned before really turned me for a loop!).
God has really shown me lately that i have worth because He says i do. i'm reclaiming my confidence in Him!
ally
columbia, sc
30s
single
1. My 2 primary roots would be: Rejection & Personal Disposition.
When I was young I was overweight and the kids were cruel to me and even give me a nickname "puge"sp? I first time I liked a boy and told him, he said he didn't like me because I was fat. Boy, did that stick in my mind. I still deal with feelings like that. I tell myself, that if I can't say something nice to myself when I look in the mirror, I can't look then. Keeps me from self abusive talk.
Personal Disposition: I always been very senitive to people, animals, my surroundings. At times, I prefer to be with just my surroundings(in the woods) and my dogs.
2. There are many causes of insecurity and I didn't realize that there are alot of women with insecurity at some level.
I feel God is trying to tell me that he doesn't make mistakes and that I am wonderfully made. No matter what my outward appearance is. God loves me even inspite of my impurfections. Thank you Lord. You did not give up on me, even when I had given up on myself. I love you, God.
Married
49yrs. for 2 more wks
Aurora, IN
First time commenter…
I think my biggest root of insecurity comes from rejection. I've experienced rejection/betrayal multiple times…always at the hands of someone I thought was a true friend. Perhaps insecurity is part of my disposition as well, but you wouldn't know it by looking at me. I'm a great pretender.
I know in my heart that God has not rejected or betrayed me, but it's hard to develop friendships with other Christian women when I don't trust them. Oddly enough, after years at the same church praying for a friend, I've recently developed TWO good friendships at almost the same time. I won't lie and say I'm not worried about it (I've even wondered where I'd go to church if these friendships tanked…) And then I wonder what is wrong with me that I have already imagined those possibilities. I know God can heal my insecurities.
Tina
39
Married
Cleveland, TN
1) Instability in the home-my dad was an alcoholic and he eventually left my mom, sister, and I when I was only 6.
Rejection – I always felt like I wasn't worth anything growing up. It's better now but I still have that little voice in the back of my head that repeats those "I'm not worth ….." phrases to me every once in a while.
2) I finally got to put a name to the face of insecurity that I had. I always knew that I was insecure but now I am able to pin-point specifically what it is and where it came from. Thank you.
Jamie
20's
Married
Wasilla, AK
I think my two primary roots are my personality and my pride, and, really, they go hand in hand, don't they? Because I'm so tenderhearted, I feel things extremely deeply, and, as a sort of defense mechanism, I've adopted this pride, to shield my heart, in a way. (Not a healthy way, obviously, but there it is.) And now my pride causes me to feel even more deeply any rejection, because, after all, aren't I "worthy" of being the best/prettiest/skinniest/happiest/most proficient anyone can be? Yikes. Sister's got some work to do and God is the only one who can actually accomplish it. Praise Him for that!
Along with that, I'm feeling that God is tugging at my heart to acknowledge that because of all my tenderheartedness, even the smallest things in all of the roots in chapter 5 have affected me in some way, and I haven't dealt with them in the past.
More than anything, I want to be secure in my identity as a daughter of The King, so that I can teach our son (and our soon-to-be adopted son or daughter – pray for that process, siestas!)what that looks like. I'm really feeling the weight of the burden of parenting well lately, and this is as convicting as it is encouraging.
Oops!
Melissa
Hampton, VA
20s
Married
I don’t mean to sound like I’m over-dramatic- but I would call myself a 38 year old orphan. You may furrow an eye brow when I tell you both my parents are alive and well and I see them all the time— the usual family events and visits. But my heart has been orphaned by the searing rejection of my earthly parents. I grew up in the home of the classic alcoholic and enabler. The main root of my insecurity rests with the erratic and chaotic instability of that situation. The funny thing is I walked around “clueless” for so many years- knowing I had all sorts of “issues” and knowing I was creating one stupid soap opera experience in my life after another, but no idea how to stop the madness… and in many ways was afraid to- because deep in my subconscious I knew it was all connected to my father’s drinking, and what I might lose should I take a stand… and plus “it was never really THAT bad…” Yes, let me introduce you to that long time friend of our family— Denial.
I am so overwhelmingly grateful that the Lord got a hold of me, put the right mentors and friends in my path, and has moved me onto a path of healing and security in Him. After taking a stand 5 years ago the Lord has restored so much of my mental, physical and relational health- I can’t BELIEVE how I used to be! And yet,there is so much more to be done… While I know my heavenly father is the only parent I need- there is still residual pain from how the family has rejected me (and blamed my husband) for refusing to continue to play the old family game. BUT! I am daily motivated by the transformative power of my savior to GET HEALTHY! GET WISE! And BREAK the CHAIN for future generations (our little girl)!
What spoke to me most in these chapters was the part about pride. I think I nearly underlined, highlighted or starred everything there. The Lord spoke to me two-fold. One: He gave me understanding and wisdom about my parents and how they relate to the world. Esp. my father. Understanding how pride works and seeing how it is his greatest weakness has moved me to a real compassion for him that I have not known before. I used to be angry with him (not good), then to pity him (can you say: a bit arrogant?) and this chapter just thrust me to a place of compassion. More significantly, though, the Lord revealed to me the areas where MY pride has blocked continued repair of the relationship with my family. And that, my friends, is the next part of my journey with Him…
Monica
VA
38
Married
Before we started this study and I read one printed page of this book, God gave me the answer to question two. I was at a friend's house and picked up a popular magazine. It was a revelation! These papers binded together told me a bunch of lies as I shuffled through them. They told me things in so many words such as:
-I'm not beautiful enough
-Too fat
-Too short
-Eye lashes are too short
-Lips are too thin
-Too wrinkly
-Skin is too pale
-Make-up is applied wrong
-I don't know how to preform in the bedroom
PLEASE! The list goes on! All of that in ONE magazine! But don't worry…"THEY" have the answer. Pff! Well just days later I got an answer alright! The TRUTH from my Heavenly Father! He reminded me of the travels around the world while I was serving in the Marine Corps. My most favorite scenery…Hawaii! It was just beautiful and a picture did it absolutely no justice at all! The Good Lord knew I've never seen anything more beautiful or breath taking!
Then He whispered…"You are more beautiful than that."
I am who God says I am…and I'm believing God!
Charity
Pensacola, FL
30's
Married
Victoria
Thomasville, NC
Married
30s
1. Abandonment hits hard. That's a deep root in it all.
Humiliation has to be the other dominant root.
I have been a dual personality of embarrassment and confidence all my life and it's not working.
2. I'm a wreck right now, but you know, one thing standing out amid the rubble is the fact that none of this hurt is in the now. Knowing that I'm experiencing aftershocks and not real time hurt is encouraging!
1.The roots of my insecurity I believe lie in associating my looks(weight) with being loved, sexual abuse, and instability in our home as a young child/teen.
I pray that God will work on my issues of selfishness and pride so that I will begin to rely on who I am in Christ and now who I was without Him. I want to be more aware of when pride rears its ugly head even in my insecurity so that I can grow to be more like HIM.
Julie
Tallassee, AL
45
Married
I would say that my primary roots of insecurity are significant loss and rejection.
I have to admit that I flipped through the chapter and looked at the roots that were going to be discussed. At first, I didn’t see how these were going to apply to me. I haven’t experienced instability in the home, or a huge loss or any kind of disability. Of course, I’ve experienced rejection, but who hasn’t? Then I began to read and I began to understand.
There was the line that the loss may seem insignificant to others, but that it only matters how much it affected me and it listed that the loss could be family or even a friend. I remember my best friend in elementary school and we did everything together at school. We were always in the same class and then during the summer after fourth grade she moved away. I had to spend fifth grade (the year you were the oldest at the school!!) alone and without a good friend. To this day, I don’t make friends easily and have a handful of close people and most of them I’ve known since childhood. As I read that section, I think I had my first “aha!”
Debbie
Norfolk VA
single
30's