Hey, Girls!
I am sitting in the passenger seat of my man’s blue Ford truck with a bird dog’s head on my shoulder heading west to cactus country for a few days. Do you remember that place I told you about where I have to hike with a shotgun because of all the rattlesnakes? Yep, that’s where we’re headed. I don’t think I told you that Keith only lets me have one shotgun shell (thanks, Adrienne!) per walk so I only get to run into one snake at a time. For those of you who have been around for a while and are wondering, yes, we have Star, our Border Collie with us, too. She’s too busy looking out the window trying to herd the traffic to snuggle with me though. It would be tough to type with both on them on top of me anyway.
I’ve been thinking about you every single day. I have no idea how many of your comments I’ve read. Tons. Because we get the whole week to finish the assignments, I can read a certain amount almost every single day. I’m getting to keep up even better than I’d hoped. I really thought this would be a neat experience but you have surpassed my expectation in your answers and insights. The transparency is so incredibly refreshing. So many wonderful things have hit me in the last two weeks as we’ve gone through the first four chapters together. There’s one eye-opening and troubling thing I want to talk to you about before we proceed to our assignments. I’ve been touched by how many of you (thankfully) confessed that you even feel insecure about your comments and about whether or not the other women participating will think you’ve said something lame. Others mentioned being scared they’d misspell a word. As we seek freedom from God, let’s not let the enemy mess with us that way. Let’s not give over one inch of extra ground to the very issue we’re trying to escape.
What do you say we make this discussion stream a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE? What do you say we make a conscious choice not to compete with one another? Not to judge one another? Not to try to measure up to one another or feel less or more than the other? We have to put up with all that trash almost everywhere else a group of women meets up. We can make up our minds not to have to put up with that here. We are smart women. We can determine to share our struggles, challenges, and victories over insecurity without feeling insecure about them. Talk about double indemnity! In Jesus’ Name, let’s make up our minds to treat one another with respect but not give a rip about trying to keep up or compete. Even while we’re on our journey to freedom, let’s make this community a microcosm of what we hope, when it’s behind us, to find and to become. I can’t think of a better place for us to practice making up our minds not to let circumstances or people draw out our insecurities.
I esteem you highly and find you so entirely interesting. What I’ve learned from you already can’t be overstated. I have become increasingly certain over the last two weeks that God is up to something BIG among us. Bigger than I first thought. In fact, I can tell you this. There’s no way we came up with this. God is pursuing us. He’s setting us up to get sick and tired of our insecurity and to do anything we must in order to find wholeness in Him. Let’s not stop Him in any way.
Oops, I got distracted for a minute. We just stopped at a Valero’s near Llano, Texas, for a bathroom break and Star started barking her head off at a man minding his own business and walking into the store. “What on earth is the matter with you?” I asked. (To Star, of course. Not the man.) Then I saw what he was wearing. Short shorts with winter white legs and black socks. I think Star is terrified by black socks against bright legs. Somebody tell me why that dude didn’t feel insecure. Not really. Don’t get off on that. But admit it. It’s a mystery.
OK, so let’s get to this week’s assignments. We’ve reached a very important point in our journey. We’re about to dig up eight deep roots of insecurity. No, we’re not looking for excuses but a little understanding can go a mighty long way. Haven’t you ever wondered why it dogs you so? You may be about to find out. This week I’d like for you to give special attention to Chapters FIVE and SIX. Here are the two questions I want you to answer here on the blog:
1. After reading these two chapters, what do you believe to be the TWO primary roots of your struggle with insecurity? Keep in mind that more may apply but try to lock in on two that you believe to be most impactful.
2. What, if any, insight did you gain about the roots of insecurity and did you sense that God was trying to speak to you in any specific way through it? (This answer does not need to be limited to the two roots you identified in the previous response.)
These may sound like simple questions but I promise you we will have some interesting reading this week. Go to it, Girlfriends! I can’t wait to hear from you. Remember, you have until next Thursday morning to make your comment. By the way, a number of you have asked if women can jump in late with us. Absolutely! Any time. Everybody’s welcome.
Here’s a special challenge this week: Let’s still hear from all of you who’ve been commenting over the last two weeks but let’s ALSO hear from at least one hundred of you who have never posted before. Remember, this is a NO INTIMIDATION ZONE. Get in there and learn how to make a comment and if you find it posted later and see that you misspelled a word, who cares? This journey will mean ten times more to you if you get all the way into it. Come on in and participate. This is a really cool group of women.
Come, Lord Jesus, and minister to us. Open our eyes. Open our hearts. Grant us signs of great freedom and healing even this week as we discover where our insecurities may be coming from. We know, Lord, that no flesh and blood can bring us what we need. If we come out of this with liberty, all glory will go to You alone. I love You, Father. Do Your Thing.
Kathy 
This is my first time posting.
Last week I joined Facebook. I am feeling insecure about "friend requesting" – for fear of rejection.
I was relieved to read your comment regarding spelling – I'm really bad! Thanks for being sensitive & welcoming. 🙂
Kathy
40 something
Feeding Hills, Massachusetts
Married 25 yrs.
this is my first post to this books' discussion, but we've been talking through your questions every week in our small group!
1. i have a hard time deciding the top two roots because i have three that seem to be equal. but, if i had to choose, i would say pride is the first one, especially when it comes to perfectionism. personal disposition is my second, even though i feel like that's a cop-out for me. i'm not saying it's a cop-out for everyone, but it feels that way for me, probably because i'm insecure about not having a "real reason" to be insecure, and that hurts my pride because it means i'm not perfect! what a sad cycle. i'm naturally shy and not talkative, even with people i've known all my life. i never feel like i can just "get out there" and relate with other people.
2. i feel like God has opened my eyes to seeing the roots of my insecurities for what they are, and to understanding some situations that may have contributed to insecurity that i've never thought of before. one of the biggest things He's speaking to me is through the perfectionism section at the end of chapter 6. God and i worked through this area a lot during the Me, Myself, and Lies study over the summer. when i sensed that He was pushing the point again, i felt like, "really, God? haven't i already worked through this enough?" obviously not because i'm still struggling with it.
i'm pregnant with my first baby and will hopefully deliver in the next two or three weeks. my insecurity has definitely come out through perfectionism as i've gone through this pregnancy and am getting ready for my baby to come. i don't want to be a mom who projects her perfectionism, pride, or other insecurities on her kids, so i'm thankful that God is pushing me to deal with them now and hopefully start a pattern of dealing with them consistently as they come up.
Cindy
Newton Tony, England
1. Two Main Roots of Insecurity: Instability in the Home and Rejection
2. Even though Instability in the Home and Rejection are listed as my main 2 roots, I was simply torn up by Chapter 6. I felt like my parents, my childhood, were written all over those descriptions outlined by Dr. Winter. It was like a light came on. I grew up in an unstable home not because of great loss, or vast change but simply because it often lacked unconditional love, unrealistic expectations and hidden traces of rejection. I now see this is the result of having two parents (which by the way are still married after 40+ years) which met the exact description that Dr. Winter describes (which means I too have inherited these traits) I don't want to blame my parents – they are exceptionally bright, smart, and kind people….but the amount of unrealistic expectations my sister and I had on us growing up now makes me see why I have grown up to be a perfectionist and exhibit traits of insecurity. "Then you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32
I never thought to explore the "reasons" why I might be insecure and then chapter 5 and 6 shed a lot of light in that area for me. One thing in particular caught my attention. On page 65 it says, "A parent's physical illness can also create significant fear and insecurity for a child." At 14, my dad suffered a major stroke in my presence. He lost his speech and was paralyzed on his right side. Although he lived for about 10 more years, I lost my father in a different way. My mom was working full time, and he had always been the one there for me since he was much older than my mom and retired. He was not able to parent me as I needed at such a crucial time in my life. I was left to make so many poor decisions and foolish mistakes because there wasn't any supervision. I clung to boyfriends who were usually much older than I was. I wanted to be taken care of and protected, though that didn't happen. Those poor choices carried on all the way until I was in my early 20's when I committed my life to Christ. Even today I find it easy to turn to my husband for example, in order to feel secure, when I should be turning to Christ.
One of my primary roots of insecurity is my personal disposition. My father was a belt man. I was afraid of that belt so consequently was afraid of my dad so was afraid of God (since most children’s perceptions of God come from their relationship with their dad). I lived my childhood being the perfect child so I never had to experience the belt. Dad was not cruel – he was raised that was how you disciplined children. But my disposition is one of meekness and mildness. I did not need to be struck to get the point of a lesson. Those were my formative years. I do not remember getting a whipping after the age of 6 or 7. That’s when the next insecurity began to take hold.
The second was pride. I was raised Catholic (did anyone else feel rejected by God when the Holy Spirit did not show up during confirmation? Oh ho man that was AWFUL for me). The Catholic church taught me that I had to be worthless. Or wait, the word they used was “humble”. So I would be so PROUD of myself for how “humble” I was; so proud of how ugly I was (we were poor and had to wear high waters and outdated clothes); so flat-chested (oh, PITY ME). I can’t wait for God to heal me of that one – I hardly ever take my shirt off – even during intimate moments if you get my drift.
The insight God has given me concerning this matter of insecurity is in reading all the posts. I honestly thought I was in the minority with the swinging pendulum of emotions that I experience. I tell my husband when my brain starts to hurt and I call it having worms in my brain. He knows to duck and cover.
Thanks to all of you for sharing. Thank you for reading my contribution. Thank God for guiding me to be a part of this movement. Beth, you are right – this is HUGE. May God continue to bless you and keep you safe.
Rene 40's Claremore Marred
1. Instability in the home: my home looked stable but my dad was only physically present. He and my mom had a stormy relationship- when I was young my mom shared with me how poorly my dad treated her. I lived in constant fear of divorce-or worse-wondering if I was the source of the problem. Through all of this I also perceived rejection. I have hung on to this so much that I look for rejection in every relationship.
2. Pride: I am embarrassed to say that I didn't realize how much pride is involved in this. How much it keeps me from healing. I felt like you crawled inside my brain to expose the lies I have believed. Lord Help me!
Marcia
Portland, OR
50s/married
michellemabell and Just Me,
Thank you for your kind response and for praying. Someone please! Share the real, true Gospel with me. I'm so insecure about my salvation – what ever happened? I feel like must start over or something from the beginning if necessary to know!
Angie
Blacksburg, VA
married
30s
1–The roots of insecurity that most resonated with me are change and pride. Our family moved twice when I was growing up, once in third grade and once in 7th. The move in middle school sent me down a path of insecurity in friendships. I've always felt that all other girls are closer with each other than with me. These feelings resurfaced again in a big way recently; I was 30 years old and suddenly felt 12 again when I felt that I had been left out. I might have imagined the slight, but the feelings it brought out were very real.
2–I think all of my insecurities are tied to pride. I like to tell myself I don't care what people think, but that's a lie. I'm just as worried about my image and just as fearful of embarrassment as anyone. I want to be liked, even at the expense of my own identity; in other words, I have a history of adapting to fit in with people, thinking they won't like me as much if they really know me. "God, forgive me. Self, get over it."
Katie
Knoxville, TN
20's and married
1. I've never understood why even as a very small child I felt so sadly insecure. So I'm grateful to find out that it is my personal disposition (and the enemy has had a field day with it). This realization has really given me some answers to questions I have asked for years.
2. The insights that I gained were mostly through what was written about pride and change. The chapter on pride was just, well….convicting! I know it's prideful not to think you're prideful, but I've never really understood what pride was! Does that make a bit of sense? And I loved several things you said about change including, "What will ever cause us to move on to the next place He has for us if something doesn't happen to change the way we feel about where we are?" And that God doesn't bring change to destroy us, but to move us to a new level of character, experience, or destiny (and I'd like to add victory to that list!).
I hae to confess that I was getting really insecure because I read the blog about what our questions were before I read the chapters and I was almost all the way thru chapter 6 and kept saying nope thats not me, nope not me but God finally whacked me good I feel so much better 🙂 1. Personal Disposition and Pride.
2. I have known for sometime that pride is a HUGE issue for me. I confess it almost daily but never but it together w/ my insecurity. I cant say how I am going to be free of this but my spirit is singing right now because I know God is wanting me to break free of it.
Jill
married 40's
Missouri
Susie,Marietta, GA,married, 60
O.K., so I'm going to get on this post and comment, finally!
Just wanted to say that I've been in Bible Study for almost thirty years. I realized that in every single study, my number one goal was to see how much God loved me. Oh, I gained many other truths, too. But I never failed to look for AND FIND His love that is just for me. That one truth has built in me a core of "steadiness" that I couldn't have gotten ANY OTHER WAY! One last thing: I never, ever, write in a book. Just don't like to do it or read one someone else has written in. With this book, I just can't help myself. Before I know it, I have pen in hand scribbling all over the pages!
Elisabeth
Modesto, CA
20s
Single
This is a post from my blog today:
Okay, mister. We need to talk. It's time to define this relationship. Oh, yes. It's what you've always feared. I have found you out! What a lying two-timing cheater you are!
I finally see the game you play. I can see how life has been worse for me since you and I hooked up. You have caused me to experience misery. You have caused me to experience anxiety. You've caused me to ruin relationships, hurt people, and have more than one occasion of temporary insanity and embarrassment. (For me AND for others.) You've been a very, very bad friend to me. And I'm breaking up with you. I am leaving you. No, don't be sad. It's not you…..it's me. I need to move on. Don't worry. You'll get over it. You'll find someone else to attach to and you two will be very happy together. I must do this to you. You know my Daddy, the King? Well, He's mad at you. He sat me down and brought to my attention how unhealthy you've been for me. He wants to see me happy, content, confident, whole, and complete. And He pointed out that I can't be those things as long as you are near me. He wants you to leave His domain and go far away. You won't be welcome here anymore. After what you've done to me, Daddy will be on His guard. He has special soldiers posted outside the castle and if you try returning, they'll take you down. Daddy has something bigger and better for me. He reminded me that I am a princess, His heir. And that I have an incredible and phenomenal inheritance. He wants me to start taking my place in His Kingdom, as His daughter. And that's exactly what I intend to do. So please don't try to contact me anymore. Ever. Leave me alone. Because, Insecurity, You've been very very bad for me. And I don't love you anymore.
1.Growing up I was told over and over by my step dad how ugly I was. In chapter 5 the very first line hit me! That was then this is now. I am moving on from this insecurity! The other is my weight. Being passed down from my mother who non stop talked about her weight and how fat she was. I am over weight but that does not stop me from being beautiful! I do though need to be healthier to take care of my body. Although not allow it to be a insecurity handed down from my mother.
2.I have been more observant to the tings my kids are watching on TV. Even the so called kid’s shows have under lying things that our Christian children should not be subjected too. The “objects” in our world are the root of the evil and sometimes being a parent the best thing we can do is say NO!
And I am a new poster!
Beth,
Thanks for those words. I have almost finished the book and I am on every page.
The root of all my insecurity is never feeling loved or good enough from my parents. Most people would think I am the most secure person ever and deep down I am the exact opposite.
Thank you for the book…thank you for hearing our hearts…..
The yellow hi-lighter is working overtime…..
1. Significant Loss – My dad died when I was 9. My world fell apart after that.
2. Instability in the home – I was sexually abused by my step father. My mother told me she never wanted me, that I was an accident.
Rejection has also played a huge part in my life.
These 2 chapters were as if God was explaining my past to me. It was like He was saying this is why you did this, it comes from the roots. Also, I think He is telling me to be patient, (I am not at all patient)I am a work in progress and He is not through with me yet. Looking back always makes me so thankful that I'm not where I used to be.
Thanks for your faithfulness to Him. Your many Bible studies have helped me through my journey.
Debbie
53
New Mexico
Married to one of the greatest blessings in my life. A Baptist preacher.
Elisabeth
Modesto, CA
20s
Single
1. Nonacceptance/instability in the home and social inferiority caused insecurity to creep in during my childhood and grow and grow and grow………Work was more important than children to my parents. And with my grandfather being mayor, we had to maintain a certain image around town. Children were to be seen but not heard. I was never listened to or understood. Just told I was a freak because I see, think, and experience things so differently than my parents. And these things caused me to become desperate for attention and understanding at school. You can imagine the horrid memories I am experiencing right about now about things I did to be accepted as I was growing up. Of course, kids see right through this and I became the class "geek".
2. God is revealing the truth of things to me right now. He is taking me through painful memories and allowing me to see for the first time that they are not my fault. They are the result of the enemy working overtime on a naive and innocent little girl because he knows her future and wants to stop it from happening! Praise Jesus!
Candice,
Bless your sweet heart! I struggled with the same anxieties over my salvation, too ,until I learned God doesn't want us to waver, He wants us to be assured! 1 John 5:13 says so!
The Gospel message is GOOD NEWS. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8. Not when we were 'good enough', when we were SINNERS. Messed up people.
From what you say about your former pastor, it sounds as if you were under a "works" teaching (forgive me if I'm being presumptuous?). But Jesus tells us what "works" God requires in John 6:29 "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."
Jesus died. For you. He was buried. For you. He rose again. For you. He lives to intercede FOR YOU.
The Gospel,the good news message is that Jesus is YOUR Way, YOUR Truth and YOUR Life. He really did it for YOU. For all of us! If you're tired of living in the darkness, come into His Marvelous light. It's a safe place to be, sweet Child. You can KNOW you're safe.
We get to do what He did. Romans
6:1-14 tells us how so clearly! Read this passage! When we accept that Jesus died for us, and we receive Him as our personal Savior, we get to "die" to the old us. The old, wounded, sinful, damaged, broken 'us'. We get to re-enact what Christ did in His death, burial and resurrection…we die (say good bye) to our old life, we are buried with Christ in baptism (uniting ourselves with Him like this in His death Romans 6:5)and we come up, resurrected into a new creation, just like Jesus did when He was resurrected. 2 Corinthians 5:17! A BRAND NEW YOU!
I am praying so hard for you. I've been there. Trust me, if God can get through all the muck I've waided through and save me, and give me the "Blessed assurance,Jesus is mine" kinda peace, oh, He can and will do it for you!!!!
Pam fron Chicago age 52
This is my first post…I am not feeling insecure about this Beth. 🙂
Though it saddens me that some of the women struggle with this.
I am also sad that at 52 I am still insecure…didn't "Breaking Free" help me with this? What about my Faith and "Do I really believe what God says to me?" These are things I need to tell myself daily…Without Him I am nothing…I am His child…He chose me…I am beautifully and wonderfully made! But I don't tell myself this enough therefore I am insecure!
I am so excited to see where this book is going to take me. Thank you Beth for loving us SOOOOO much!
Beth, how can I ever thank you??? I have been working with a wonderful therapist for 6 months now, primarily trying to get to the root of my insecurity. I am one of those women who looks good on paper but on the inside, is quaking in her boots. We have gone around and around this and I haven't figured out why certain things hurt so much. I just finished reading chapter five and now, I know!
I have been with my husband for 18 years and we have had endless problems with his family, most especially his sister (who, I think, has some fairly significant emotional problems but the kind that don't show themselves unless you are unfortunate enough to be in her "inner-circle"). It's the elephant in the room with the rest of his family – no matter how awful she is, nobody talks about it but if someone tries to do anything about her or stands up to her, that person is in the wrong. It has been so hard on us. We try to live like Christians and to forgive and move on but finally, last year, I said that I couldn't do it anymore – I sent her a message saying that I wouldn't be able to see her unless things changed, that I couldn't tolerate walking on eggshells all the time and that I wouldn't subject my child to it. Her treatment of us has been more painful than I can explain to the point that dh was battling terrible depression for quite a long time until he started seeing a good therapist. While I have other insecurities, when I am feeling at my worst, it's always her voice I hear and I see things through the eyes of the criticism I would be expecting. I knew it hurt but I could never understand why it had such power over me. Now I know – it's REJECTION. I had always dreamed of having a sister and my family of origin is very, very close. I just assumed that when I married, my husband's family would become mine and if things didn't go smoothly at first, that I would be able to fix them with diligence and hard word and kindness. Her behaviour and the family disregard for our feelings and our pain in nothing short of rejection and from the people we most expect to celebrate life with us and to support one another. I am pregnant with our second child, a great blessing, and the first grandson in the family. They are acting as though it is a non-event – I suspect because she only has girls and is likely to be jealous. The rejection continues and it is so hard to handle.
I am so looking forward to reading on and I just have this feeling that this insight is going to prove incredibly powerful in moving beyond this stronghold in our lives. Thank you, God, for sending me these answers.
The Journey Continues ~
1) "Insecurity can result from a broken attachment of any kind, even one that seems relatively minor to others." ~ I know that my first root of insecurity comes from the loss, rejection, & lack of trust of friends & family.
This is an area that
(you know as well as I do)hurts to the core of our soul. It brings up that inner pain that we just don't want to share out loud. It feels like someone has grabbed hold of my heart and is squeezing it and causing me to gasp for air when I recall the past of my insecurities.
I have NEVER shared the information that I am about to share so completely.
This is a FIRST for me.
I have allowed myself to be vulnerable to you & the precious Siesta community. I am ready to "try" and trust again.
I would much rather share this in person with you, Keith, my husband and a Starbuck or Dave's amazing espresso than on this computer, however, I believe that if we are "real" and face our demons, we will recover more fully and sharing this is going to be a step.
Here goes ~~~~~ Heart in throat with sweaty palms as I type this!
~~~~~~Rewind my life ~~~~
14 years old, running for my life down a orange grove off of a country road at night while a car is backing up fast and the person inside is screaming for me to get in…. (date) Before I jumped out,there was suffering with innocense lost, hitting, and fear upon me.
I trusted this person until this night!
The following week ~
My "best" girlfriend didn't want to be my friend anymore. She said I was a "goody two shoes" and was tired of my ways and wanted to have fun.
*She was the one who brought me to understanding about accepting the Lord as my personal savior when I was in 6th grade.
Childhood and dear friend ~
Someone who I could laugh,cry and be myself with. She called me from SF hospital telling me she was there to be checked. The next day, her sister contacted me to inform me that my dear friend had passed away after our phone conversation.
New friend ~ She had a different religion (that I never put down or pushed her to deny) and she told me if I didn't become her religion, we could NO LONGER be friends. She called me when she got engaged and begged me to become her religion so I could attend her ceremony and be her friend. My answer was "sorry" and she never contacted me for years.
My first love ~ He told me that I was everything he wanted in a wife even asked for my hand in marriage.
His last words over the phone:
"Baby, I love you forever, you are the most loving, giving, wonderful person I have ever had in my life BUT I cannot see you again because I won't be able to fulfill what my family wants for me in a career."
He became a well known doctor at Johns Hopkins. His mother still keeps in touch with me. I have never heard or seen him after that phone call.
I have dealt with the feeling of rejection of what you wrote in the center of page 73.
One moment ~ kleenex break here!!
Beth, are you still there???
Oh how this hurts to share!!!
JESUS has been my comfort.
With "Heaven bound" blessings,
Kim Safina
The two primary roots of insecurity:
1. Significant loss – I lost a friend when I was a young teenager to a plane crash. Her dad, mom, sister and herself passed away suddenly. They lived next to us and it was devastating. Not really sure I grieved like I should have. Pushing emotions way back in my little brain so I didn't have to feel the pain. Hence, my MAJOR fear of flying any small aircraft and probably my fear of flying period. However, I do fly on jets…not that I like to. That instilled some major fear and some control issues.
2. Pride/Perfectionism – Reading this last night in Chapter 6 about KNOCKED me over! God definitely showed me that these were related. Honestly, I had NO idea! I'm always constantly doubting decisions and actions for fear of being wrong. I'm so black and white. I must say I've "chilled" over the years compared to when I was younger. I SO prayed last night begging God to help with this area of my life. I have girls and I see some of these same things in them. I'm so hoping I can implement what I'm learning into being a mom. I'm tired of trying to be the perfect mom. Satan feeds lies about if you do everything just right, etc. your kids will be o.k. FALSE! I'm really working on that. Thank you Beth for Chapter 6 and Thank you GOD that you "knocked me upside the head" with this information!
Tina
40's
Married
Houston, TX
This is my 1st response to the book questions. My best girlfriend and I are discussing it, and we have answered your previous questions to each other. Anyway, your section on pride hit me in the face. And when I confessed that to my friend, she said she would have never thought that of me! How confirming that pride is my cover! God spoke to me through your statement "We end up looking in to look up instead of looking up to look in." My mouth dropped, and my heart melted for God to take that and fix it. I have absolutely loved the book – every word of it. Thank you so much, Beth.
East Texas
Married in my 30s
Durant, OK
40's
Married
I think my 2 primary roots of my struggle with insecurity are
Fear of Rejection
and
Pesonal Disposition.
I don't have a bad childhood experience that caused my Fear of Rejection.
I just know I've always wanted affection and wanted everyone to like me.
I did give into certain things, that then caused me to dislike myself for doing that, and then have more insecurity!
This is what Beth said abuot Personal Dispositon that gave me great insight, and God is speaking directly to me, through her!
(pg. 84)
"I have come to the conclusion that, with my hypersensitive disposition, I probably would have battled it (insecurity) to some extent anyway. I feel everything. My joys are huge, and so are my sorrows. If I'm mad, I'm really mad, and if I'm despondent, I wonder how on earth I'll go on. Then I get up, pour some coffee, and move on to the next emotion and forget how depressed I was an hour ago. Ever done that?"
YES! And, it is so great to realize others have, too! All my married life, my husband has called me "defensive", and I have been trying to figure out why I'm that way!
Redeemed, thank you so much for lifting me up in prayer.
I identified two roots, but they are so intertwined with other areas, that it is almost impossible for me to separate them. The two primary roots of my insecurity are instability in the home and rejection. My parents divorced when I was in elementary school and both later remarried. I had issues with both of my step-parents and the second marriages didn't work out as perfectly as my mom and dad were hoping. There were additional separations, physical fights, and a lot of hostility. Both sets of parents worked through these hard times, but it left its toll on me. Due to family instability, I went through several dramatic changes – moving, switching schools, going from a family of 3 to a family of 8, my mom and step-dad moving out of state and leaving me behind… And, mixed in with all of this, I had my share of rejection. Rejection from friends, siblings, parents, boyfriends. I never was able to fit in with others. I don't know why, never understood, and probably never will. These two roots – instability in the home and rejection – festered in me until I ended up with a pride problem. I think I've known for a while that I struggled with pride, but now I am beginning to understand why.
The biggest insight came to me while reading pages 102 and 103. Beth wrote, “We live our lives screaming, 'Somebody notice me!' And do you want to hear something interesting? That's exactly how God made us. That very need is built into our human hard drive to send us on a search for our Creator, who can assign us more significance than we can handle. He not only notices us, He never takes His eyes off us. In the radiance of His greatness, we are made great. Our search is over and our egos silenced. We no longer need pride to drive us, because we've found something infinitely more fulfilling: purpose. He is the reason we are here. And finally our souls are at rest…” I need to meditate more on this.
I love this quote from OSWALD CHAMBERS (June 22):
"For with what judgement you judge, you shall be judged, and with what measure you measure, it shall be measured to you again." Matt 7:2
Oswald quotes: "if you have been swrewd in finding out the defects in others, remember that will be exactly the measure given to you. Life serves back in the coin you pay. This law works from God's throne downwards (Ps. 18:25-26) One who criticizes another is guilty of the very same thing. God looks not only at the act, He looks at the POSSILITY" The reason we see hypocrisy and fraud and unreality in others is that we see All see it in our own hearts."
Oswald goes on to say that the antidote is HUMILITY. I believe Beth ties this in well in her book. Maybe not so directly.
But, if we are humble in heart, these things can more easily be healed? No so easily received from others?
Just like so many gals in Beth's book, I know I've dealt it out myself at times because of the insecurities I have. It's a cycle.
WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK?
Haven't we all actually judged ourselves? Maybe that's what I've really gotten from Beth's book.
1) My two roots of insecurity would definitely be Instability in the Home (though I hesitated writing that due to the fact that I don't want to own up to having an unstable childhood home – I'm working on this "no insecurity zone" stuff!) and Our Culture.
2) My dad had multiple affairs during my teenage years, which eventually ended in my parents' divorce. Even though they have since reconciled and were remarried over 6 years ago (praise God!!), I still see the insecurity leak through in my own marriage. I tell myself repeatedly that I trust my husband completely and know he is a fantastic Christian and yet there is still that underlying thought that, but maybe he'll still cheat, maybe he's checking out that other woman (you know, the one that's not chunky and pregnant ;)). I hadn't explored these thoughts too much, because they really aren't there all the time but when I read about this first point, I thought, "That's me!!" And since, I've been able to trace thoughts back to this root.
I also liked the idea that I do have a choice in what culture I "feed" myself. I don't have to read People quite as often – there are places I can avoid seeing images that could make me feel bad about myself.
It's funny, too – analyzing this, I realize the vast majority of my insecurities are appearance-related. (I find myself comparing myself to other women a lot in the looks department.) I got down to the thinnest weight I've ever been after my second son was born and I still felt that sense of insecurity. So, you're right – God is the Answer to make this problem go away!
Aubrey
Hinsdale, IL
Married
26
Lynn
50's
Eastern NC
Will comment later on the blog questions – but I just have to share – I lost my job today – BUT – God put this wonderful book in my hands 2 weeks ago – it hasnt been too far from since the box was opened – God was preparing me for what was about to happen – No one likes to hear your fired – I saw it coming and kept praying to be clothed in strength & dignity – for the first time in my life – I defended myself against false accusations – and did it w/dignity – Thank you Beth for being obedient to God's calling – thru you He has changed many lives!!!!
1. The two roots of my insecurity are instability in the home and pride. My mother suffered from either extreme PMS or perhaps a mental illness. Whatever it was, the result was that the rest of the family (including my patient, gentle father) never knew from day to day if she would be happy and fun-loving, or verbally and physically raging out of control. On days that her emotions were somewhere in between, there was a constant barrage of criticism toward everyone in her life. I think that I built up a wall of defensiveness and pride to protect myself, and God has gradually been breaking down that wall ever since.
2. The words on page 67 jumped off the page at me: "The gender of the person who originally made us feel defenseless will often continue to make us feel either defenseless or inordinately defensive until we are restored." WOW–finally I can begin to understand why I can have a great relationship with my husband, but can barely stand to be around any but the most secure and stable females! Lord, heal me so I can love the precious women around me!
Barb
50's
To Lynn who lost her job today,
I am so sorry that happened to you, but I am so proud that you handled it with strength and dignity. I am confident that God has something better in store for you.
You're in my prayers.
1) I think one of the first things at the root of my insecurity would have to be fear of not pleasing people and the conflict that brings. I never have liked conflict. In my home growing up, living with my dad was like walking on eggshells. I loved my dad but he was hard to please. We always had to be careful not to set him off or there would be an argument. Plus, being the youngest of 7 kids, and by many years, I grew up trying to please them all and waiting on them.
I think a second area would be my looks and weight. When I was in the 4th grade, I went into the hospital for a week and when my mom came to pick me up, the clothes she brought to bring me home in did not fit me! While in the hospital, I was afraid to say I wasn't hungry so I ate everything they gave me. I was there alone a lot of the time and so had no one to be an advocate for me or help me to say, "No thanks, I am not hungry!" Anyway, since then I have had issues with weight! Others do not think I am fat but in my mind, I always look fat.
2) I am learning that God thinks that I am…worthy of wanting, worth loving, worth liking, worth pursuing, worth fighting for, worth keeping, worth hiring, worth noticing! God loves me just the way I am and there is healing!
Debbie
50's
Married
Acworth, GA
Rachel
Columbus, MS
30s
married
1. Instability in the home – I didn't have the greatest father in the world and (to my surprise)
P-R-I-D-E. I never thought I was a perfectionist until I read ch. 6.
2. Well, I loved "He knows it's scary to be us." So profound, indeed. And just about every word written in the pride section so spoke to me. When I started reading it, I could hear the Spirit saying, "Okay, here we go…pay close attention." I especially resonated with the part about pride cheating us of intimacy. God has been nudging me toward transparency for a while now. It's one of those, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" kind of things. These 2 chapters were hard to read but very eye opening.
Starting the first Sunday in March, I will be leading a small group study on this book. Please pray for us.
Anonymous February 25, 2010 11:08 am:
Please don't drop out. I used to feel like my insecurity was not something I could talk about to anyone. Admitting it felt like embracing the most unsettling parts of who I am.
I here God saying don't run away. His love is overwhelming and He is always safe even when no one else is.
He is pursuing you beloved. Search out His heart for you.
Theresa
50
Married
Alabama
Today is my birthday, my 58th. Over the years I have become more secure in myself. I guess that's what living and experiencing life will do. But as I was growing up I wasn't encouraged. Example: "Mama, want me to say the alphabet for you?" "You don't know the alphabet" was the reply. It wasn't said in a mean or harsh way but it left an insecure spot. All througout my growing-up years it was little responses like that that made me wonder if I would ever accomplish anything.
I believe that God made it possible to remove me from those boundries. After I had been married for about six years, my husband was transferred to another town. We packed ourselves up and moved us and our two-year-old son away from "Mama".
I grew and I learned, and I believe I have raised two very secure children. Both graduated in the top 10% of their high school class and both have college degrees. My son earned his Eagle Scout, is successful in his work and stands before his congregation at church every Sunday leading their praise band. My daughter achieved many awards in swimming and softball. She went to college on a softball scholarship and is a three-time All-American shortstop. She is now the general manager of a very successful restaurant. I…and my husband…always encouraged and were involved in their lives and I'm very proud of them.
I'm not sure which "root" this would fall under…perhaps a "Rejection/Personal Dispostion Combo" I do know this, though. God had/has his hand all over my life and with him all things are possible.
I first experienced rejection from my grandma because my birth to her teenaged, homecoming queen daughter nicked her pride. As I grew up, I learned that if I behaved properly and did all the "right" things, that I could earn her approval.
Unfortunately, this has perpetuated itself all my life. I've tried to make all the right moves in order to earn the approval of others. My motivation should have been to do what honors God most out of love for, and obedience to, Him.
What haunts me is this: Did my actions, born from insecurity, teach my now-adult children that they have to earn God's love?
Although almost all of the roots fit into my story at some point, the two primary would probably be 1) Significant loss- loss of innocence at a very young age due to victimization, loss of a close grandparent that changed the personality of one of my parents which led to fear and instability and a near divorce in my home around the same time of my victimization.
2)Dramatic change- a job change for my dad when I was 11 into bivocational ministry which took most of his time and energy as well as pulled me from my childhood church family…This eventually led to an almost 3 hr move away from friends and family at the start of my 9th grade year. Moved from a private school where I was 1 of 20 in my class to a public school in which I was 1 of 400. He lost his secular job when we moved due to a layoff, and we then went thru several years of severe financial hardships.
I guess the insights that I have gained is that there is a very real reason why I have become this way… I have always blamed everything on my victimization and rationalized that my anger and fear all stemmed from it. I realized while reading this that there are so many other aspects that have heavily contributed to my insecurities. There have been so many times I've wondered where I'd be if God had just spared me from my abusers, but I'm realizing that it was part of who He wanted me to become. I have been gripped by so much fear of abdandoment and loss that I have lived a very guarded, "safe" life, but one full of fear. I learned at an early age that the only person who would ever take care of me was me, and I made sure that I would never HAVE to rely on another person to take care of me. It has been an exhausting job that has robbed me of lots of love and security. My poor husband has been the victim of so much of my anger and fear. I feel so unworthy of his devotion to me. We have had our share of difficulties, but he has stood by me thru it all. There are so many times that I cry and he asks me what's wrong and all I can say is that getting well is breaking my heart. And it's so true. I want it broken into so many pieces that only God can put it back together… And when He does, I don't want to recognize the old me in it. I want so bad to have that new heart, free from the insecurities of the old me. Praise God that I KNOW he can do it!
I forgot to leave my info
Dendy
Hernando, Ms
30's
Married
The root of my insercurity comes from feeling rejected by my mother's side of the family for my weight. Her family has always been naturally very thin, and, unfortunately, are quite pleased with this. They freely voice their opinions on those who are not as fortunate. I was slightly overweight as a child and was often the object of their comments. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I have struggled with bulemia and anorexia and over excercising for years. God has so graciously delivered me from bulemia, I am clinging to Him daily for deliverance from the other 2. I know it is my own insecurity (and, yes, pride and utter fear) that has kept me from full freedom. I am determined not to let Him go. I am so not worthy of any more help from Him, but I love Him so…and I want to please Him so…so I want to give it all up and just be secure in Him. Help me, Jesus! P.S. I am a 34 year old mother of 4 with a wonderful man for my husband.
I think my biggest insecurity is the want and need to have a baby. My husband and I have been through fertility treatments for four years now and it terrifies me to continue getting negative results. I have so many friends that have had children or are expecting and sometimes I feel God has forgotten about me. I am ashamed that I feel so insecure infront of these friends and I hope that this journey with you and your book helps me overcome these fears and insecurities.
I'm new to this discussion…but looking forward to seeing you in Atlanta in April!
I am having a very hard time wrapping my heart and head around one of my 2 roots of insecurity. It is most definitely pride, but I dont understand the part about pride that refers to me as thinking more of myself than I am, or better than others. I feel less than others, which brings forth a need to appear to be perfect because in my heart I feel so completely inadequate in pretty much every area of my life. It doesnt make sense. Can someone please help me?
Thanks, Beth, for freeing up this zone. Personally, I'll still try to be mindful of my spelling, but I'll do my best not to feel insecure about anything I miss.
1) my TWO:
1st) REJECTION-I grew up without my earthly dad, who by God's great plan was able to be there to lay eyes on me the day I was born, but that was it for the most part. There were about 3 other instances of seeing him in passing when I was very small… I vaguely remember. Then at about age 17 I asked for a relationship with him. So I do, now, know my earthly father, but even now we don't necessarily get along too well.
2nd) Significant Loss- I lost my innocence at around age 5. Then here recently, I lost or ended…had to end (not sure how to define this) a 7 years relationship I still (even now) want to reconcile.
2) There's not a single insecurity mentioned that I myself personally haven't experienced first hand. Once I read these chapters I felt God pull, tug, and encourage me to finish the book. He knew, had I sat here waiting to continue, then more insecurities would have sprouted. I'm so thankful for the love of God; He truly walks with us.
Father of my youth, Creator of all things, You are the only Father I need. You established that with me at age 12. I'm so glad You are not like us humans. You don't hold our insecurities against us like the enemy who uses them as tools of motivation for his wicked ways. No, Lord, You free us from them. You handout security like candy on Easter. Hey that is when You actually did…I love how You do this for me every day I care to accept it. I've grown so strong in You, but it's You Who are strong…You being inside of me makes me strong. I ask for Your protection, for Your guidance, for Your lovingkindness toward these ladies and myself as we all walk together with You out of the entanglements of the weedy insecurities in each of our lives into the glorious freedom of security in You. Please, forgive me Lord for not following Your prompting the other night. I see this is a work in progress… don't allow us to give up or be distracted in any way from the path You have laid before each of us. In the Name of Jesus I lift up this request for Your glory and honor here and now and forever more
-amen
These two chapters hit me VERY hard this week as I had new information about my past revealed to me by my sister-in-law, and had to process information that reduced me to tears, then i apologized to God for crying as if i believed that I had to be totally in control (bit of pride there).
The two roots that hit me hard was INSTABILITY at home – the abuse of my two alcoholic parents – physical, mental and sexual. I just found out from my sister-in-law that my mom, who knew about my father's sexual attacks on me permitted them, hoping to keep my father from leaving home to live with his girl friend. I was pimped by my mother. The other was REJECTION, and what got to me was the list on page 73, I could be the poster girl for all of those not worthy's .
What God showed me was the image of crabgrass or a dandelion, how if you don't get it all up by the roots it can grow back. And I noticed that really a root of bitterness and a root of pride is the basis for many of the insecurities that I had. I really thought I had overcome so many of these things of the past, I had forgiven, let go, felt healed, and it shocked me how much I was toppled by new revelations of my past – a lot of my past is obscure for I blotted out a lot of the pain. I had to rethink things and even felt sorry for my parents because I also learned more about their abusive childhoods.
That information made me MAD because I realize how insidious the attacks of the devil are. He plants a seed in one life and it gets passed down to our children and our children's children unless we put a stop to it. I draw that line in the sand to stop, and have succeeded in raising thee beautiful children, but sometimes I still see the insecurity that I have expressed by my children and that saddens me. When I see how my children can be so influenced by her friends and the media and sometimes has a poor self image (not always thank God, but in moments of weakness) and I just get mad at the devil who plants such lies and then passes them on generationally. I am so grateful that God can heal completely. I can only put it in His hands and pray that if He reached me, that any seeds of insecurity I have inadvertently planted in my children experience crop failure.
Beth, thank you so much for addressing this topic and being so transparent. I suspect that you will be uprooting a lot of insecurity roots and helping future generations to walk in the freedom that Christ provided for us.
I hold a master's degree in rejection and a minor in personal disposition.
The insight I got was learning that tenderhearted and super sensitive people are more inclined to have insecurity issues – who knew that being a softie would bring with it some hard and heavy baggage?
I at least realize my insecurity is not all self imposed.
The Lord comforted me with sweet peace in the verse from Isaiah.
Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray (as mine does about every 6-8 weeks) I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you. Isa. 46:4
Bridget
Moore, OK
40's – Divorced
I forgot Heather, Shokan, 50, married
First comment from me 🙂 I just picked up my book today at Costco and I almost kissed it! I've been waiting to read this and now it's in my hot little hands and I am ready to catch up with ya'll. (I live in Cali so I should not say Ya'll but I am going to because this is the Beth Moore blogsite and she says it all the time). Anyhoo, can't wait to catch up. XOXO
Reading the new book and helping to lead Esther (my mind is happier when challenged in the Word). Last week had the session on "mean girls". Hmmm…mean girls insecure. This week had the 100th mean encounter with the mean girl at the office. Saw it through totally different eyes and I reacted a bit differently from my understanding. It still hurt and I still cried behind my closed office door. The mean girl is a Pastor. I understand better as I can see just how insecure she is. What I am having a tough time dealing with is , she IS a Pastor. It should be a position that is respected but she has lost mine. How do I deal with that?
1. instability in the home and rejection
2. Recently, I've been thinking about the role of past rejection in how I see myself. I'm a loner and an introvert, and it's been painful to have to honestly admit that other people's opinions about me matter more than I thought they did.
As I was reviewing the chapter tonight, I realized that rejection at work has always been a particulary painful part of my experience as well. I think I've blown chances at jobs because I never got around to applying for them. I couldn't understand why I couldn't get it together to send in the application materials, but I think I may be onto why I sabotage myself. You see, every job I've ever had has ended in some kind of rejection. It's not that I keep getting fired. It's that no one seems to need me for very long. The positions are cut and I'm laid off. The longest job I've had ended when the school I worked for closed due to school consolidation and several of the support staff were let go. I was doing great work, and they liked me. They just couldn't keep me.
I'm at a crossroads again with the position I'm in now, and I keep wondering why God shuffles me around like Monty Python's Flying Circus. When you're single, you need to create your own security with a stable career, but somehow that hasn't worked for me.
(single, 34)
1. I'd have to say a combo for the first one: Significant Loss/Rejection – it was one in the same… I was in a relationship where we thought we would get married and out of the blue… he dumped me. I am now a newlywed to a wonderful guy… but I still have bitterness and insecurity as to why this past guy dumped me. To make it worse, one of my best friends and him are now engaged… is that so weird and why am I making it weird?? Was I so bad? What did I do wrong? I just have feelings of not being wanted a lot because of this. It was a long year of "recovery" and I still have bruises from this break up even though it was well over 6 years ago now AND I'm happily married… why does this still bother me?
The second root would be dramatic change. The changes have been good but hard. My husband (at the time my fiance) graduated from college and could not get a job – thank you economy… we got married and came back from our honeymoon to LIVE WITH MY PARENTS – ummm yeah, not how I wanted to start my marriage. It was hard but we are thankful to my parents giving us a place to stay. It just was REALLY hard. 2 months later… he got a job… and 3 months later, we moved into a HOUSE of our own. Which is great… but the "newness" of the house and everything (including our marriage) has worn off (I despise that phrase). I keep thinking about what "big" thing is next because, well, there have been some exciting things that have happened and now I feel stagnant… I'm unhappy with my job and the hours I work (we have opposite schedules). I want that dramatic change of a new job. I've been through so many dramatic changes this year and now there aren't any… it's kind of hard.
(WOWY that was a lot and I could go on and on!!!)
2. I loved the quote where you said "big egos insist on our being a 'the.' Not just an 'a'" – WOW! so true! also – I see that I set myself up for failure A LOT… I'm a perfectionist and have these ideals of what life is supposed to be like… ahem – and when they're not, it's hard for me… I just need to quit having these expectations… I will only set myself up for failure. Only God knows what is to come… it will be perfect, but with my perfectionist tendencies… I'd rather have it "my way"
I am one of the lurkers. I was pretty sure my responses were pretty dull. Your invitation spoke straight to me.
1. Root 1: I believe the most insecure I have ever been spirals around my pregnancy with my only son, who is now 28. I was put to bed with phlebitis with one month to go. I delivered C-section during the height of the Lamaze craze with all my friends doing it better. I was hospitalized with dangerous thrombophlebitis after delivery for the first month, eliminating my care and bonding with baby and proving to me how stupid of a mom I was. I was grateful for my son but felt like I had somehow gotten him the wrong way. DUMB, i KNOW.
2. weight issues which began when I was very slim and have plagued me now into obesity and handicap by arthritis and lupus. I cannot distinguish genuine illness from something I feel I brought on myself. I feel second class and as if I sooo deserve to be this way due to my own inferiority.
——-
Your book brings tears to my eyes as I see myself in those scenarios. I am surprised to find your clear directives to claim God's good promises and see Satan as the accuser. Thank you for pointing out as you did in THE INHERITANCE and also in this wonderful book that God is a giver and not a taker. No condemnation and my insecurity is something I do not HAVE to keep forever.
Have fun at your ranch. The snakes worry me.
Yvonne
Louisville, KY
40's
Married
I will have to admit that I have really been down on myself for the roots I believe are most dominate for me which are Personal Disposition and Pride. What a week I have had over this. I have wondered how even my own family could stand to be around me let alone others. I then began to wonder how I appear to others. And then I swing the other way and tell myself that is just in insecurity talking. To say I have struggled with this is an understandment this week.
Let me say here that I am thankful that you, Beth, have made this a no intimidation zone, (think I have that right) because I really didn't want to post. I am still not sure what God is doing here or trying to teach me. But I really want to know. I want to know to deal with my insecurity in a way that will not only free me but bring glory to him. However, this week my focus and pray has not been on our study, but being told Saturday that both of my sons are joining the military. Don't get me wrong, I know that is an admirable thing to do, but for the youngest one, I (and all who really know him) believes it is the worse decision he could make while we all see this as a great opportunity for my oldest. They have asked him (the oldest) to enlist in nuclear engineering and since he dropped out of college and got married, we believe this could be the answer to our prayers for him to further his education.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get off on that, but it is never far from my mind, so please, dear sisters in Christ, pray with us for HIS will to be done.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Yvonne