Hey, Darling Things. Let me blurt out from the beginning that you guys are so dear to me. I genuinely love this community with a heart full to the brim. Your comments to Sunday’s post drew me in, made me smile, and some of them made me laugh out loud. Per the question, how far was I from the little farm house when the rancher saw me and reported me in certain peril to my man, several miles. Keith and I are still amused by it but we are thankful for such good neighbors. Just when we think we’ve gotten a little more normal, something reminds him and me that we are caricatures that could be fodder for the weirdest sitcom on network television. Shiver. I’m just picturing my character’s hair. And the size of her Bible. And, eewwww, the accent. And picture the double barrel shotgun in Keith’s character’s hand. But, if they show him without a shirt, cry foul because that’s not my man. Never, I do mean NEVER would my man go without a shirt outside the shower. Nor does he respect a grown man that does. (Unless he’s in his swim trunks and those better come nearly to the man’s knees.) He also gives the stink eye to a grown man that wears his shirt open two buttons. That’s not cool to Keith. And if the man has on a gold chained necklace, you best keep him out of Keith’s path all together. OK, Lord, have mercy. How do I get off on all this stuff? It’s y’all that bring this out in me.
Here’s the reason why I’m posting today. I’m looking to my favorite community for insight regarding this weekend’s event and maybe, if any of it pertains, for insight toward the taping for James in May. (Much more on that later because I really, really want to enlist your prayers.) These are my two questions and please notice that they pertain to two different groups among you.
1. To anyone in our blog community: This one’s wide open. Have you ever experienced a painful breakage in a close relationship you had with another believer? I’m especially talking about relationships that you believed at the time to be woven together by the bonds of Christ but something happened that resulted in a fissure. If so, WITHOUT DIVULGING ANYTHING THAT WOULD IDENTIFY YOUR PERSON, what happened? And here’s a really important part of it: did the relationship mend or did you go your separate ways? Please stick to one meaty paragraph because I want to read every single entry. If it’s too long, I’ll have to skip it. Remember, no names or pieces of information that people can track. We never want to dishonor anyone on this blog. So that I can differentiate between answers to this question and those to the next, please start your comment with the word “Relationship.”
2. Limited just to the people attending this weekend’s LPL in Little Rock, Arkansas: I’d love to already have a few of your stories in mind for this weekend. In a compact paragraph, would you please tell me your first name, your general age group, whether you are married or single, and your biggest concern or challenge right now? Please keep in mind that I could very well share it with the entire group as an example of the kinds of things we’re dealing with in our audience so your comment will act as your permission. Please, please don’t leave a comment I can’t share or I could end up getting it confused with the others and telling it by accident. Remember, you are entrusting your personal information to Blonder Than She Pays To Be. Also don’t make stuff up as a trick so you can get a kick out of it when I tell it. Yes, people do stuff like that on blogs and it’s totally lame. Don’t do it here. So that I can differentiate between this answer and the ones to the previous question, please start your comment with the word “Little Rock.” If you are also answering question 1, please do it in a separate comment. This will help me immensely as I peruse the survey.
You guys are rock stars to me. Thank you so much. May all of this information and everything else that happens on this blog ultimately bring greater fame to the powerful, healing, saving Name of Jesus Christ.
Our Lord.
And Savior.
Relationship. I was part of a small (5 women) Bible Study group and became well aware that one of the women had planned to ambush me during one of the sessions by accusing me of plotting to disband the group. I was completely blind-sided and innocent. The group disbanded and I did not speak to the woman for a couple of years. She and her family left our church, so it was easy to ignore her. Approximately 2 years later, we saw each other and apologized to each other and forgave each other and I consider her a true friend now. I truly believe that God used harm for good in this instance.
Relationship
A family member on my ex-husband’s side was instrumental in helping me accept Christ. Up until that point, we were not very close. She and her husband were missionaries. My husband and I were not Christians. I was seeking meaning in life for many years and when God finally opened my eyes to who Christ was, she was the one to walk me through the salvation message. She also helped me find a church. I thought we were friends after that until one summer when we were planning a vacation together. She suddenly started to go off on a jealous, irrational rant about my children. It was very hurtful and we never mended the rift and now that I am divorced, we probably never will. I have also been hurt by the fact that as a Christian, she did not confront my ex-husband about his adultery. I have since found out that she was very hormonal (menopausal) at the time of the rift and was not really mentally well.
Relationship:
I had a relationship like you described. I was very very close to a fellow sister in Christ. Some situations happened that pulled me in to my own family and not reaching out to anyone. The Sister chose to believe some things about me and my daughter that weren’t true and in so doing, sad some really hurtful things to me. I tried to make peace, prayed for her and her family, but she ultimately left the church. She did tell me it was my fault that her family left, but I have totally given it to the Lord. I cannot hold on to it.
Relationship. Four years of dating and praying yoked me to my husband. In God’s sight, and by His leading I married the love of my life. Progressively, over 32 years of marriage I have come to realize he must be incapable of loving me. He wants me to date (and more) other men. It is a turn on for him. I no longer desire him, but I will stay with him. If he were an acoholic, or drug addict, or had a disease I would not leave him. This is the “for better or worse” part of the agreement. Reading “So Long, Insecurity” was life changing for me and God is using it to help me deal with life as it is. Thank you!
Relationship – My husband and I developed a close friendship with another couple in our church about 10 years ago. We vacationed together (both of us are empty nesters) and our children grew to love each other. Three years ago we discovered that the husband of the couple was addicted to pain medication. His wife was struggling just to make it through the day after losing her mother a few months prior to us making this discovery. I was very close to this woman and even sat with her at the Hospice House overnight as her mother lay dying there. I began to see how her husband was in his own world of addiction and asked my husband to help with an intervention. My friend got cold feet about the intervention, her husband became furious with us that he’d been found out and forbade her to have anything else to do with us. She made us out to be the “bad guys” even though she was the one who reached out to me for help. This was very painful for me. I am still her friend on Facebook and we chat every now and then about the children and grandchildren but I miss deeply our close friendship in the Lord. My husband has reached out several times to the husband; the husband has spoken to some of our friends how he needs to respond to my husband but still he does not make a move in that direction. It has been devastating to us, one of the most painful things we have encountered in our 40+ year walk with the Lord.
Relationship.
This is pretty huge and detailed. My story involves the breakup with one of the best friends I’d ever had. It was because of lies and half-truths told to her about me by the leadership of the church I’d recently left. I didn’t know about the lies, though, and just thought she’d accused me of her own volition. Neither of us ever took on the conflict face to face because we were expected to have no contact once I was no longer part of that fellowship. That was wrong. We left that canyon between us, for the most part, for over a decade. Then she died of leukemia in her 40’s. We never got to talk. It’s probably the greatest regret of my life. (There is so much more; I write about it in more detail here http://amysioux.wordpress.com/2010/11/19/jenny/) but words can’t say what I feel I’ve lost because the enemy seeks to kill, steal and destroy, plus my fear, pride, hurt, apathy, misunderstanding, and more… Praise God I will see her again and we will dance in heaven.
I love James. I am looking forward to hearing you teach. I will Eat. It. Up. Love you, Beth.
Relationship:
I thought that she and I would be friends forever, and now we haven’t spoken in over a year. I really believed that Jesus brought us together. We could bust up laughing just by sharing a glance. We listened to each other cry over the strain and adjustment of new marriages. Then my husband and I left that church. No matter how many times I tried to explain that God led us to do this, that we had legitimate disagreements, it didn’t matter. To her it was a personal insult. To make things worse, I fell in love with Jesus while she stagnated (and even she would admit to this). Eventually she stopped returning my calls or texts.
This is still a painful thing for me to think about, because I told her things I’ve never told anyone else, and now I have no idea if she’s divulged these intimacies to others. It was an awful parting, and one I have struggled with in a big way. My heart was so wounded by the things that we said and done (and I am not entirely guiltless) that I find myself very cautious in making new friends, convinced that those relationships will also end badly.
LITTLE ROCK
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!
35yrs old, married
stay at home momma with a 2 and 3yr old.
my biggest challenge/concern right now:
i’m tired. that pretty much sums up everything in every possible area of my life right now. i want my joy back…joy in the Lord!
RELATIONSHIP: My oldest and dearest friend in the Lord [since Elementary], I lead her to the Lord. We’ve spent countless hours over the last 15+ years talking daily about our lives and walks with the Lord. Out of no where, one day recently a switched flipped and she very unlovingly rebuked me. It escalated from there. It came out of a very religious place and I’ve had to set boundaries now to protect my heart from a fruitless rebuke. We don’t speak. It’s been months, it’s been hard. I hope it’s restored, but I need an apology first.
Cara, 27..married with 4 year old daughter
I pray you can find time to address this!!
Little Rock:
I constantly compare myself to others. I base who I am off of who they are. Everyone else is prettier, smarter, wealthier..you name it. So, I have horrible self-esteem! I pray to be a better example for my daughter. But here I am, 27 and her 4..struggling as I have since adolesence. A cycle that becomes darker as the days go by. I have days where I fully believe Psalm 139:14, and others not so much. I have a best friend whom I love, but I feel I’m not even good enough for her. Some days I just want to crawl into Jesus’ lap and cry. I just want to feel like who He says I am. I love you girl!
relationship
in high school, i had a very close friend my age. we spent a lot of time together because we shared the same Christian values, and we supported one another while attending a public school. at the beginning of junior year of high school my dad died very unexpectedly and it changed my life forever. i was really angry at God, and pushed away anyone who was close to me, including this friend. in my downward spiral i made poor choices & got myself mixed up in a whirlwind of lies. at first my friend tried to be supportive and encouraging, but a healthy friendship has to be a two-way thing–some taking and some giving. when i was at my lowest point, i sought out my friend. her only response to me was “you need help, and we can’t be friends anymore.” it was true, i needed more help than she could’ve given me, but in that moment what i really needed was a friend to come alongside me. we were still sort of friends, but we were never as close as before. and it took me another 7 years to trust myself & others enough to have close friends again.
Relationship.
I experienced a most painful break-up this year with my best girl friend. It became apparent that we had become too close. We did not see it as it developed slowly over time, but our special friendship became enmeshed and co-dependent even though we spent countless hours over the years encouraging one another in our relationship with Lord. I am married and she is not, and it became apparent that I loved her more than my spouse and children. I (we) did not intend for that to happen .. one degree off initially, gradually led to several degrees off course down the road. God showed me the idol that I had made of this precious gift of a friendship and I knew I had to let it go. It was and still is very painful. It was not and is not mutually understood. I pray that God will bring healing. I know He desires redemption .. redeeming us to Himself and redeeming of broken relationships. He is making all things new.
Relationships: 2 situations over the years – one “resolved” the other not. The first was a gal who I knew from the singles group at church. We were very close until I got a boyfriend. Then she dropped me like a hot potato. I found out many years later when we spoke again that she was jealous (her confession to me.) The friendship was never the same, however, since there were other issues it was for the best. The second was about 7 years ago. She was a new Christian and we were as close as sisters for years. Then I moved away and while we tried to keep up the relationship, proximity took its tole. In the end, it turned about to be a good thing since we were not relating in healthy ways. I learned a lot from the end of that relationship in how necessary it is to have the Lord as your best Friend as He is the only one who can handle all that we feel or desire to express. Not that we can’t get to know people or that we can’t let them know us, but really, the Lord is the only One who can handle all of our “stuff.” Just because we’re Christians, it doesn’t mean that relationships are necessarily any easier. Praise God, He does change us when we seek Him out and look to His word for healing those areas that need some healing.
I’m dealing with this now, with a small group of friends from church that I was close to for while. But they were becoming increasingly cliquish and negative and it didn’t feel like a healthy connection for me so I had to start backing off from them. I felt like God was protecting me though because soon after, there was some upset with them over a decision that had to be made at church and a lot of bitterness and anger rose up over it. Though I still let them know I was there and loved them, I had to stay way back. Things have calmed down a little now, and my relationships with them are not completely broken, but I don’t know that they’ll ever be the same. But maybe that’s ok. I’m just trying to figure out how to love them (from a distance if necessary) and still keep up necessary boundaries. I want to have that space without any hard feelings or animosity. Not a fun thing to figure out. 🙂
This is “relationship” by the way. 🙂
RELATIONSHIP: I experienced a friendship with a girlfriend that I had never had before (as growing up, I never spent more than 4 years in one spot) and loved it. Over time we shared everything. Vacations with our families, every Friday breakfast, heartaches, inside secrets, etc. After ten years or so, I began to notice that things started to bug me, drain me, and it became a very “high maintenance” relationship. There was a major decision in my life that I made with the wisdom of our Heavenly Father and my husband only. During and after proceeding with the decision, the relationship became awkard. After confortation regarding it, she was very upset that I did not consult her. I had no intentions of consulting her and was at peace with my decision and still am. No amount of explanation, forgiveness, or trying to make amends brought the relationship back to where it was. Today, approximately four years later, we are friends on facebook, see each other maybe three times a year, and at times it is weird. However, I am “FREE” and have learned about relationships in a very real way and meaning. I learned a lot about me and my needs as well and am very grateful that God has equipped me with a sincere heart of forgiving and how His will brings peace even though a friendship may suffer.
Relationship – My relationship with my sister (18 mos younger than I) has been very strained over the last 18 years. She initially sent her 15 year old daughter to live with us but lied to my husband and I as to the reason she was asking this of us. We thought it was for protection from gangs who were harassing her at school, but came to find out later, it was to keep her from the African-American members of her class. My sister and her husband are very racist (even though we were not taught that in our family of origin). My niece rebelled against their massive control and eventually ran away from our home and theirs. She has since met a wonderful man (part African/American and Cherokee Indian) and has been happily married to him for 15 years. They both love the Lord and worship with us. They have two beautiful children (12 and 6) and live near us in NC. They opted to move close to us because of our unconditional love for them. My sister, however, has become so jealous of my relationship with her daughter and her family, that our own relationship has deteriorated. I try to sit on the sidelines when she attempts to come visit them but her personality is very caustic now. Her own grandchildren do not want to be around her and she is very rude to her daughter. I feel as though we’re all being punished because of my unconditional love for my niece (as well as my husband’s love for her and her family). It’s exhausting when she lies about things to us, brings drama into every situation – and she teaches your Bible studies at her church! I just don’t understand how she can be so blind. It is very painful to watch!
A sister in my church had approached me for assistance in a personal matter due to my professional experience in a particular field. We gradually became what I thought were good friends. We got along well, worshipped together and she even volunteered her time in music ministry with my husband and my side ministry. I loaned her an item that belonged to my son (with his permission, of course). When we asked for the item back, even temporarily for a trip we were taking, she insisted the item was given to her to keep. I explained thatnthe intent was for her to borrow the item and I thought there was a misunderstanding. After that conversation, she would only rarely communicate with me through text messages, avoided me and my family at church and later accused my son of stealing a book she had given him. I located the book and returned it to her the next time I saw her at church in a place where she couldn’t avoid me and run away. She refused to look at me or even speak to me. I spoke kindly to her and when she ignored me, I asked her adult daughter to take the book for me who looked to her mother for approval. Her mother then snatched the book from my hand and I gave them my blessings and left. All this time she had yet to return the item I loaned and kept promising to meet me with it and either would not show up or send me a text message that she forgot it. Eventually, I told her to just keep it. It really wasn’t worth a friendship and was replaceable. She and her her daughter stopped speaking to us and even left the church. In the interim, she did return the item to my husband in my absence.
Relationship: (Australia) My husband and I were friends with a Christian couple in our small town church for years; she and I were in Bible study together; our husbands in church leadership together. We went through some extremely difficult pastoral issues together. Quite unexpectedly the LORD made it very clear, at very short notice, that He was calling us out of our home church to another fellowship. We obeyed, and left as well as we knew how, explaining as well as we could the LORD’s leading and that we left for no reason other than His call; that we left with no bitterness or unforgiveness, and that we would continue to support the church in prayer. (It was an incredibly difficult move for us as we were taking our children from the only congregation they’d known, where my sweet parents continued to attend. Although they would miss the grandchildren dreadfully, they supported us completely, believing it to be God’s will for our family.) On our leaving, these friends felt very hurt by us and in turn said some very hurtful things. We were stunned and very hurt, but felt it was a confirmation we should no longer be serving together. However, in our new church the LORD put it very strongly on my heart to join the Ladies’ Bible Study (something I had not been able to do for years), and I was delighted to discover it would be Beth Moore’s “Stepping Up” on the Psalms of Ascent. It was during that study that the LORD convicted me to confess any responsibility I held in the breakdown of the relationship. He manipulated circumstances so that I was able to speak privately with this friend and confess my own sin, having forgiven the hurt i had felt at their hands. She was gracious in forgiving, and I praise the LORD for His healing through obedience. The following day my study was Psalm 133 “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity.” Such joy! Beth I praise God for your faithful admonishment. To him be the glory!
Relationship: I had an awesome friendship with an incredible lady when my kids were younger. We did everything together. We talked on the phone while bathing the kids, vacuuming, washing the floor or whatever we were doing. We would organize our houses and decorate together, grocery shop and get the kids Christmas pictures taken together. I went through an incredible time of depression and our friendship changed and ended. To this day I treasure the memories we made together. My life was made richer by knowing her.
Little Rock- Age 36- Married
I think my biggest challenge right now is dealing with what appears to be unmet expectations. Knowing the dreams and desires that I have in my heart and being patient enough to have peace knowing His timing is perfect. This has been an adventurous year with my husband being released from the ministry he worked at for 20 years, being out of work for 3 months, and now to a new ministry. God’s blessings have been sure and evident.I have found there are many things that I “expected” to be different for me personally (especially ministry wise) and I am having to wait on the Lord and his timing when things do not seem to be happening like I think they should.
Relationship.
I’m living this right now. My good friend and I had been talking for months about how fun it would be if we would both get pregnant at the same time. Imagine my joy when she found out she was pregnant! Sadly, she lost the baby and a week later I found out that I was pregnant. While I was ecstatic I was really dreading telling her. She didn’t take it very well (understandably) and our relationship really went downhill. She pulled away and I felt abandoned. It’s now been 15 months and just last week we talked and I really believe that we can put it behind us and become friends again. Although I don’t think it will ever be the same (now that we have our baby and she is pregnant with her second, life is just DIFFERENT) I’m hopeful that we can at least be on good terms and that I won’t have to run the other direction if I see her in town 🙂
Little Rock – Erin, age 22, single
I feel like I’ve been waiting forever to find a husband. I realize that I’m very young, but it’s still something I struggle with worrying about. I am so thankful that God has kept me out of harmful or purposeless relationships that would leave me carrying around extra baggage. But I still sometimes think, “I wish I could just experience it a little.” Even though I just turned 22, I have virtually no single friends. All of my close friends are not only married, but most have kids already. Sometimes it just seems harder to wait when I feel like I’m waiting alone.
I know all the right things to tell myself. I know that I need to wait on God, and I believe that everything will happen perfectly in His timing. I know that He loves me more than anyone else ever will. I know that He has a great and good plan for my life. I know that I am complete in Him. I know these things. And my attitute, thoughts, and relationship with Him have improved recently. But when I’m being honest, I still struggle with the waiting.
Several years ago I became friends with our pastor’s wife. We were very close and shared everything with each other. When I wanted to start a ladies bible study (actually Living Free) in my home and include some women who had left our church, she felt betrayed and it created a huge chasm in our relationship. It was very painful for us both since we served side-by side in so many areas of a small church. We stuck it out for awhile, but when the church moved to a distance further than we could drive for services, we found a new church family. We are still in touch and meet a few times a year for a quick lunch, a wedding or other social occasion, and chat on Facebook occasionally. Sometimes I still really miss the closeness of our friendship. BTW the Living Free study was one of the best I’ve ever done with a group of ladies – but the price was high! Worth it, but pricey.
Relationship
This particular relationship is very strained since this person has fallen away from God. This person is very negative and actually tries to argue and not be nice. I know that the enemy just wants this relationship to be strained and I refuse to let that happen! Knowing that, I just continue to pray and show God’s love and am hoping this person will come back to God! Sometimes it is very hard to deal with and that’s when I have to distance myself for a little while! But I love this person very much and will continue to pray and keep the faith that this relationship will be restored to how it used to be. Trusting God has it all under control! 🙂
I will be praying for your LPL weekend!! I’m sure it will be so awesome!! Wish I could go!!!
Relationship: Both of these happened around 25 years ago when I was not as experienced in life and as grounded in the Word. The first happened with a friend from church who got too possessive of me when I developed other friendships. I had to distance myself from her somewhat because it was just too stressful and painful when she’d become angry with me. The friendship was never severed but just became like one you engage in only at church.
The other happened because someone began telling me things about a good friend of mine that made me begin to feel negative about her, and I began to tell those things to a few other people. We had some unpleasant exchanges but again never severed the relationship. Just changed. This was before I knew the scripture in Proverbs about a gossip separating close friends, and how if I have a problem with another believer, I am to go to her instead of others. We live, we learn. Thank goodness for forgiveness!
Little Rock-Marla, 35-40, married, 3 young daughters
I just want to say a very heartfelt thank you to you & Living Proof for allowing me to attend the conference for free. My friend called to get my ticket after reading your blog about the college girls who couldn’t afford to attend one of your events. She knew how much I wanted to go & also knew I was struggling with the decision due to our financial situation. I’m so grateful I get the gift of this weekend!
Relationship
A dear friend my matron of honor in my wedding 20 years ago. We have been through LOTS of life together. I really felt that I was suppose to ask her/challenge her regarding a relationship she seems wrongly entangled with. That was 18 months ago. Let’s just say she didn’t appreciate it. We are not restored yet.
RELATIONSHIP: I was in a relationship for NINE Years with a PASTORS wife. BEST of friends!! SISTERS in the LORD! Both in love with JESUS!!! I and 38 others joined this Pastor and his wife, moved our lives from one state to another to do a church plant. When we moved we wanted to start community so we began women small group studies that she put together. She emphasized the importance of commitment to attend. Her daughter was in my bible study, and kept missing the study. I called her out on it and she ripped me a good one over texting. Tried to talk to her, but she went to her mother, my best friend and her father the Pastor. I had to go before my friend and her daughter. Both laid into me for one hour. Brought up things I had no idea was even an issue. I thought I was in a nightmare. Literally from that point on, she ignored me at church, never called me again. She is leading this church plant and I am one of the leaders as well. She would not use me any longer for any event etc.. Never pursued me. I had to be the initiator if I wanted to speak to her. Kept calling to meet with her, we would meet, she was very distance, kept her stance that she was hurt. she continued the same actions of distance and not speaking to me. She also did it to another leader who had disagreements as well. So we had a meeting with her and the Pastor, me and the other woman and her husband. Diaster!! We shared how hurt we were with how she was treating us!! I was her best friend!!! They were completely done with all three of us. Not only that I moved my entire life to another state, left my family, my job, my house my children…I left that church 8 months ago. If I could describe the pain it was as painful as my divorce 15 years prior. I cried for over a year grieving that relationship. I was in a lake of loneliness, rejection, anger,,etc. But our Lord is full of mercy and compassion. Completely restored and blessed me beyond measure with a new church family in my new home state. Jesus is my HUSBAND!! Scooped me up and placed me in a healthy place. 75% of the group left and return to their home state. I am still struggling with forgiveness. I’m praying for them, but ugh I cant think about it… I feel sick inside. I am attending our healing rooms at church. I need deep inner healing from the Holy Spirit on this one. My joy is coming back!! Glory to God!!
Relationships are used by God to heal your broken places. I worked with a brother in Christ for 7 yrs I had known since childhood. He assassinated me politically at work and it was so crushing I moved to another hospital to start over. He ended up coming to my hospital 5 yrs later. God used this betrayal to force me to face my betrayal, abandonment and trust issues. Glory to Jesus we now are restored. It will never be the same but we talk about God again and our families. I was crushed but God healed me so deeply! I am currently doing Breaking Free at Northpoint in Sprfld Mo and wow!!!!!!! Things are gettin’ under my feet Siesta! I love you my sweet friend Beth!!
I had a friend who was a Christian. She had an eating disorder she told me about this but no one else in our group of friends. It got to a point that she was causing herself physical damage with the disorder. I called her on this and told her I had done everything I could and would have to walk away, couldn’t stand to see her wasting away. This break from her distanced all the friends in our circle from me,because they didn’t know why I broke away. This was a huge loss of friends for me. I didn’t like her too much for awhile.2 years later she turns around In a healthy way and tells the other friends what she’s been going through. Our relationship mended over time..and it’s better than ever… in fact we went to the LPL in Fresno together I consider her one of my nearest and dearest friends. God healed that wound better than I could imagine and grew a deeper friendship through the process.
ugh! I forgot the word relationship see above
RELATIONSHIP: Sorry I wrote a long one for you but it was a deep deep hurt. Can you answer this, How come when a sister or brother in the Lord hurts you, a sister in the church you have cried with, laughed with, shared secrets with, when they hurt you its worse than any other pain? Its a hurt above all hurts!! Even worse than a biological family member hurting you. Why when it happens in the church, its so stinkin painful?
Love you Beth!!!
Maria,
I’m not Beth Moore, but I think I have an answer for you:
It hurts so much because we’re sinners. It’s easy to forget that in a Christian context. We get so used to thinking that everyone’s got it “together” and that nobody is going to sin or do something incredibly foolish. But we all do.
It hurts so much because we are drawn together in a unique kind of unity that is deeper than any biological relationship. When our friendships break and we hold on to bitterness (like I have) then our relationship with God Himself is strained.
It hurts so much because we can’t let go. I can look back and see that there were very clear times when I was being led out of a relationship. God does that. He brings people in and out of our lives, but we don’t like that “out” part.
It hurts because it hurts. And Jesus knows, better than any of us, what it is to be betrayed by a friend.
Maybe I wrote this more for me than for you tonight. You are in my thoughts and my prayers, dear sister.
RELATIONSHIP: I am currently in a season of intentional separation from my BFF. Friends for 7 years now, our relationship has grown as we are active in Christ centered recovery and have the same Godly counselor, attend the same church, etc. She is one of two friends who will be lovingly (and brutally) honest with me and call me out when I’m being ridiculous. A few years back I asked God to ‘show me if there is any evil way in me, and lead me’ and over time he’s been revealing myself to me. Along with surrendering some (to me) obvious addictions to sex, lust, approval, perfection and control, God is showing me where my friendships have been motivated by my own unhealthy NEED and that I’ve used people for comfort, agreement, to fix me, to make me look good, tell me how to be and when. God has plucked me out of this relationship, I believe temporarily, to ‘un-enmesh’ me from my friend and show me that He is the ONLY one who can meet my needs. God is hedging me in at every turn, not allowing me to turn to my ‘lovers’ (that indludes friends) to be known and satisfied. Thanks Beth, for letting me share.
Relationship.
I had a room mate who was in love with a guy from our church. I was surprised, because I had started to have feelings for him as well. I didn’t tell anyone, because he didn’t even fit my ‘type’. Shortly after he told me he has feelings for me, but only wants platonic friendship for now. I did not tell him that I had feelings for him since he wanted just friendship. We all went on a mission trip where my friend told me that God had made it clear to her that the guy was not her future-husband. A few months later the guy asks if he may court me. I said yes. And the first person I ( gently) told was my friend. She was happy about it….. But our friendship abruptly ended shortly after. She briefly talked to me about it when we bumped into each other in town. We are Facebook friends. That’s it. It’s sad. It was such a fun friendship.
Oh, and I’m happily happily married to that guy who wasn’t my type…:).
Relationship: I became dear friends and then best friends with a missionary almost four years ago. When she came home on furlough a few months ago, there was someone else in her life that she wanted to spend more time with, and though she said she wanted us to spend time together, her actions did not match her words. I acted out from my hurt and we parted. I tried to reconcile, but she would not have it. She finally forgave me, and we have gotten together a few times, but the relationship is cordial at best. It is heartbreaking to me. I know now what it feels like to lose a best friend. I have learned a lot from God of my faults through this, and how devastating it can be to others when I hesitate to forgive. You may think that I am a young adult, but I am in my upper 40’s! I guess we are never too old to experience these kinds of situations. God is always at work, teaching me to become more like Him, but I never thought this kind of teaching was necessary. Live and learn! God bless you, and I look forward to learning more from God as He speaks through you in Little Rock!
I can go into more detail if needed, but it would need to be private, not here on the blog for the world to see. After scanning some of the other posts, I see that I am not alone. I am amazed at how many of us can get so dependent on people, yet still have a desire for Jesus to be our One and Only, and we think He is our all in all, but still wrapped up with who we think are “blessings” of the other people who are really our idols.
Relationship….
My husband and I shared Christ with this couple and saw them place their faith in Jesus, watched them grow and have a strong walk with the Lord. Traveled with them at home and abroad, shared meaningful family events, participated in Bible studies together and walked through the death of their child with them. Without warning a distance seemed to be evolving and there didn’t seem to be a reason and it was very uncomfortable, just a coldness. Eventually, with the help of another friend, I confronted the wife with my sadness and pleaded with her to explain what caused the severing of our close relationship, so I could apologize and ask forgiveness for anything done wrong. Her only comment was “things change” and that was the end of our close friendship. I continued, for a number of years, to send cards and write notes in the hope of restoring our friendship. No response. I still pray with hope and continue to experience pain regarding this broken friendship because I have never been given an answer as to what happened to cause the break….the not knowing is the struggle. She continues to have a strong walk with the Lord, as do I, so it makes this break especially hard to understand.
Relationship: I’ve had a breakage in a relationship with a dear sister in Christ. If I’m honest, it has been slowly developing over time. I just feel the Lord opening my eyes to areas that HE needs to work on in me; areas like my priorities, my insecurity, my heart. I realise that I am in a time of growing and changing and my friend does not understand that. I am realising how much responsibility I carried in the friendship so that now I am making different choices, she is not able or willing to reciprocate in our realtionship any longer. While I celebrate the growth I can see in my life, I still mourn the loss of a friend and grieve for the loss of closeness and understanding that we once had.
RELATIONSHIP – This one hurts to talk about because it involves a breakage in my relationship with my earthly sister who happens to be my close friend. She is 12 years my senior and I have always looked up to her as a sort of spiritual guide. You see, my mother died of cancer when I was 11 and my father remarried and moved away. I was raised by her. She did her best to raise me in the church. We had a good strong biblical foundation. As life would have it we had our ups and downs but as we became adults (I’m 39 now) we became really close. We talked 4-5 times a day on the phone. Sometimes having 2-hour long conversations. I’m a semi-health nut so about 2 years ago I convinced her to take up walking with me. We walked every night and sometimes twice on Saturday. It was during this time that we grew even closer. We would talk about God and what He was doing in our lives. Well, about six months ago she began attending a different “church”. My sister has been a christian for 40+ years and out of the blue (actually 3 weeks after she started attending this new church) she decided that everything we had been taught was wrong! All of a sudden the phone calls seized. She and her family stopped attending all holiday gatherings. We NEVER walk together. I think I cried for, I don’t know how many nights, and could not sleep for about a month. I prayed for God to show me if I was wrong and she was right about my faith. I was confused, hurt, mad and any other emotion you can think of. I don’t want to go into the details of her new belief because I don’t want to offend anyone who shares her beliefs but I miss my time with my sister. I did try to talk to her about how things had changed and she just said she did not notice anything different in our relationship except that I did not accept her new ‘faith’. I also told her I was concern and asked if her ‘religion’ accepted that Jesus was the Son of God and salvation only came through him and she re-affirmed me that yes, that had not changed. With that being said, I put it in God’s hands and believe He is big enough to point out to her if she is going down the wrong path. Our relationship is not where it was and I don’t know if it ever will be but I try and make it a point to tell her how much I love her (and vice-versa) on a daily basis. It breaks my heart that we no longer discuss how God is moving in our lives and all because of semantics (I think). I would so deeply appreciate prayer because even now my heart hurts to think about how much our relationship has changed.
PS:
Praying for you, Beth Moore; you are deeply loved.
Relationship
When I was in college, my church started a Sunday school class geared toward college and career adults and I was asked to be a part of the leadership. I met a new gal who joined the worship team for this new class. She sang beautifully and played piano along with some great musicians, making our worship time simply incredible. The leadership met weekly to pray over the class and I became fast friends with this new gal, so happy to have a new Christian girlfriend since so many of my close Christian gals had moved away for college. I trusted my heart with her, would bear my soul, she would bear hers. We cried out to God to bring us a man of God and to keep us pure while we waited. We studied scripture together. We held each other accountable. Then I found out that for months, she had been sexually active with a young man who was not a Christian. It rocked my world. I couldn’t fathom this double-life she had been leading. She went to the alter to confess and try to get back on track, but kept going back to this lifestyle and this guy. I felt betrayed, like everything we had was a lie, it hurt me deeply. When I couldn’t get her to break it off, I completely shut off the friendship. Years later, she apologized to me and I realized I should have been much more loving. I wish I would have known how to love a friend back to Christ, rather than be so judgemental.
Yes. I still do not know why. So hurtful. But I have lived to accept it. It is between her and the Lord.
Relationship: I had a friend for almost 10 years… we’d been through so many ups and downs and crazy adventures and hardships. I’d never known a friendship like hers (and also with her spouse)… it was like God uniquely put us together for a purpose. I loved her so so very much. She got married, I moved away, She started having kids, I lived the single life, I moved back… and we picked up again the way we were. Closely bound, happy and blessed for our time together. Most of the friendship, I was heavily the initiator… but in the end she just stopped responding to ANY correspondence I sent her way. I tried for 6 months. I wrote to her and tried to talk to her about what had happened, and what changed. I even saw her frequently, and she was no more familiar with me as the guy that works at the gas station down the street. Finally, I had to come to terms with the fact she was never going to respond, I had done all I could to restore things (and i still didn’t know what was broken!), but she didnt reciprocate. I was heart-broken…. to pieces. Still am.
RELATIONSHIP: This occurred about 3 years ago. Some friends and I developed a close relationship, but one was a siesta. For some reason, they all began to ostracize me. I was feeling hurt because they were not including me. I often felt convicted by many of our conversations (use of Profanity). Even though I didn’t use profanity, I was a partaker. However, after being led by another siesta to pray and ask God for his divine direction in this situaton. God quickly let me know he was doing a new thing in my life and the company I was keeping had to be severed. partaker. God allowed me to see that no matter how he works out a problem, He will get pleasure in it. Now I’m free from not being a part of the group. God has a beautiful way of directing our life. I thank God for how he worked it out and taking me to another level.
“Little Rock”
Kerri, 35, married with 3 kids.
The biggest challenge i face every morning is general anxiety, mixed with panic at the most unexplainable times. i sometimes still feel like i’m in junior high, for crying out loud!!! only now my worries seem much bigger…children, husband’s ministry, my relationships, acceptance, etc. when will this end??? and the funny (sad) thing is, i’m able to live life without anyone knowing except a very few. i’m afraid those who see me as “spiritually mature” (my husband’s in ministry) will somehow think me as weak. I AM WEAK!!! i know i am only strong in Christ, but my insecurities get the best of me somedays.
Many years ago Iwas a young mom, I had a good friend who i loved as a sister. We served in Women’s ministry together, we kept each other’s children, threw baby showers together, went on vacations with other young families and we were in the same small group in our church which met weekly.
She and her husband bought a new house and even on moving day I had her children over to play while he movers were working. I remember bringing them dinner that night so they would have something to eat on a busy day. The next day, they moved across town to a bigger and quite expensive house and I never heard from her again. It was such a sudden change that I never saw coming. I tried calling and either got no answer or when I did get her on the phone she seemed distant and unresponsive. After a while, I stopped trying to renew a friendship that had disappeared overnight. It hurt and saddened me.
Relationship – my precious friend Beth, whom I have never met… my broken relationship is with a believing family member. We had false peace for a number of years, even after I had tried to share my pain. The Lord led me to declare HIM as enough and to stop longing for her affections to the point of sinning (jealousy, covetousness, etc.) I put a lot of prayer into how I would communicate the situation and my need to step away. I chose my words very prayerfully and made deliberate attempts to not attack. However, she seemed blindsided. My words hit her like a ton of bricks, she reacted with venom, and we both walked away very wounded. I questioned the Lord, asking if I should reach out and try to fix things but He simply directed me to wait. During 3 years of waiting, He confirmed Himself through His Word and circumstances. 4 months ago, I received His peace to begin moving forward. She and I have now met twice and are slowly moving through a rebuilding process. God’s timing is perfect and I praise Him for what our future holds. To Him be the glory.
Relationship
I had never seen someone with such an interactive relationship w/ God. As a new believer I learned so much from this friend’s example. The glory. Please imagine the things God did and I had a front row seat to it all b/c we were the closest of friends. God was doing so much our faith was growing leaps and bounds. We were like iron sharpening iron. The Word was our bread, our sword or refuge.
Then the warfare. This is where one has to scratch their head in confusion b/c it’s hard to put a finger on exactly what happened. I was expecting a baby and the name we were wanting to use was a name she was wanting to hold onto for the future “just in case” she ever had another girl. I was hurt by this. My husband thought it all ridiculous and insisted we use the name anyway. We didn’t talk for a year.
During that time of not talking the Lord reminded me that when the Lord builds a house, it isn’t a labor that ends in vain. I knew in my heart that He would heal and He did. The Lord is what we have in common and our hearts can’t help but talk about him. And guess what? We now each have daughters with the same name. Only God.
And I know you want to know the name…..
Emma!
Relationships: I had a friendship that was sprung from the fact that we were both struggling in our marriages, that was something that bonded us because we shared our trials a little too much if you know what I mean. I believe women need support and we can do some harmless venting, but we were really hurting our marriages more than helping by enabling each other. As our marriage spiraled downward and we sought help from our Pastor at the time, he told me I should stop any talking about my marriage problems to anyone, especially if that was our common theme. I passed on to my friend this information and it sadly, was never the same. I could’ve been at fault for the way I communicated it, but I had hoped our friendship would mature to a deeper level. I now am very careful about my venting. We still struggle in our marriage, but I tell all my details to the Lord and only share what I absolutely feel I must with His discernment. It was sad to lose the relationship, even though we are facebook friends, it was never the same. Thankfully the Lord was faithful to bring me more friends and I am more careful now.
Little Rock:
Renee, 45-50, married for 25 years. My biggest concern or challenge right now is dealing with the depression of our elderly mother. She will not get out of bed until late afternoon. She lives in town, but I cannot get over there often, and even when I do, I cannot make her get up. She lost her husband a couple of years ago, and has not been the same since. She was a very busy, active woman involved in church and activities all her life, but now she will not do anything outside of the house. She is on medication, but we will be looking into different avenues after this weekend. It is draining on me to see her age 30 years in the past two years.
Little Rock. Sheri, Married 18 years. with 2 grown children, 1 in High School, and 1 new granddaughter. 43 years old. It’s hard to know what to say is my biggest challenge right now. Every single close relationship I have (with the exception of a couple of the women I will be with on Friday) is under incredible stress and attack. I am a newer Christian (19 months), and I am hanging onto God for all I’m worth at this point. It would certainly take more than a short paragraph to explain the challenges and concerns I am facing–right now the biggest concern is that I am unemployed and have always been the primary breadwinner for our home. I was a teacher for 12 years and quit to open my own business, which failed and was closed in December due to the economy. We face losing our house and a lot more if I can’t find something soon. The biggest challenge in my faith walk is being able to accept God’s forgiveness for my past life. My past is a mine field of sin, and now it’s affecting my relationships with my children. For years, I believed that God could never love someone like me. I am finally to the point where I can hear someone tell me that God loves me and it doesn’t cause physical pain. Today, I am closer than I have ever been to freedom. I’m in a tangled mess of circumstances now that leave me no choice but to lean into Him for protection and support.
I think I should mention also that in spite my being turned upside down and shaken by my ankles, God has given me an intense hunger for His word…and a mentor that I could never have dreamed up in a thousand years. But, still…I need me some Jesus this weekend! Life shouldn’t be done without Him…I should know!
Relationship~~ Our small group Bible study is like a family-we love & depend on one another. We are an ecletic mix of ages and denominations who have always laughed, learned, cried, and prayed together. While sudying the workings of the Holy Spirit a crack appeared in our group which resulted in one of our beloved couples leaving with hurt feelings and the rest of us puzzled, guilty, and empty. This occurred only a short time ago, but we are praying that we will be reunited someday with God’s blessings. I feel that this rift occurred due to expectations~those nasty “you shoulds” that we plaster on other people’s foreheads. When our expectations are ignored or unmet, we get angry, hurt, bitter, etc. I’m just thankful that heaven will be an expectation–free zone!
Can I say that I believe it is more uncommon for people to maintain friendships in this world then it is to have one end. Offense is on the rise. What happened to a love that covers a multitude of wrongs? A love the doesn’t keep score? A love that isn’t irritable? A love that always believes? Always hopes? And never fails?