Hey, Darling Things. Let me blurt out from the beginning that you guys are so dear to me. I genuinely love this community with a heart full to the brim. Your comments to Sunday’s post drew me in, made me smile, and some of them made me laugh out loud. Per the question, how far was I from the little farm house when the rancher saw me and reported me in certain peril to my man, several miles. Keith and I are still amused by it but we are thankful for such good neighbors. Just when we think we’ve gotten a little more normal, something reminds him and me that we are caricatures that could be fodder for the weirdest sitcom on network television. Shiver. I’m just picturing my character’s hair. And the size of her Bible. And, eewwww, the accent. And picture the double barrel shotgun in Keith’s character’s hand. But, if they show him without a shirt, cry foul because that’s not my man. Never, I do mean NEVER would my man go without a shirt outside the shower. Nor does he respect a grown man that does. (Unless he’s in his swim trunks and those better come nearly to the man’s knees.) He also gives the stink eye to a grown man that wears his shirt open two buttons. That’s not cool to Keith. And if the man has on a gold chained necklace, you best keep him out of Keith’s path all together. OK, Lord, have mercy. How do I get off on all this stuff? It’s y’all that bring this out in me.
Here’s the reason why I’m posting today. I’m looking to my favorite community for insight regarding this weekend’s event and maybe, if any of it pertains, for insight toward the taping for James in May. (Much more on that later because I really, really want to enlist your prayers.) These are my two questions and please notice that they pertain to two different groups among you.
1. To anyone in our blog community: This one’s wide open. Have you ever experienced a painful breakage in a close relationship you had with another believer? I’m especially talking about relationships that you believed at the time to be woven together by the bonds of Christ but something happened that resulted in a fissure. If so, WITHOUT DIVULGING ANYTHING THAT WOULD IDENTIFY YOUR PERSON, what happened? And here’s a really important part of it: did the relationship mend or did you go your separate ways? Please stick to one meaty paragraph because I want to read every single entry. If it’s too long, I’ll have to skip it. Remember, no names or pieces of information that people can track. We never want to dishonor anyone on this blog. So that I can differentiate between answers to this question and those to the next, please start your comment with the word “Relationship.”
2. Limited just to the people attending this weekend’s LPL in Little Rock, Arkansas: I’d love to already have a few of your stories in mind for this weekend. In a compact paragraph, would you please tell me your first name, your general age group, whether you are married or single, and your biggest concern or challenge right now? Please keep in mind that I could very well share it with the entire group as an example of the kinds of things we’re dealing with in our audience so your comment will act as your permission. Please, please don’t leave a comment I can’t share or I could end up getting it confused with the others and telling it by accident. Remember, you are entrusting your personal information to Blonder Than She Pays To Be. Also don’t make stuff up as a trick so you can get a kick out of it when I tell it. Yes, people do stuff like that on blogs and it’s totally lame. Don’t do it here. So that I can differentiate between this answer and the ones to the previous question, please start your comment with the word “Little Rock.” If you are also answering question 1, please do it in a separate comment. This will help me immensely as I peruse the survey.
You guys are rock stars to me. Thank you so much. May all of this information and everything else that happens on this blog ultimately bring greater fame to the powerful, healing, saving Name of Jesus Christ.
Our Lord.
And Savior.
Relationship- God has been pruning me in the last two years of a friendship that I built around Him but became how I thought I was to get to Him. I didn’t see that I would run to this friend first then go to God once she told me how to. I now know that I go to Him first and foremost. The friendship has changed and I have grieved the loss but the new ones He has given me are grounded in ways I still am learning. I have also learned that some friendships are for a season, and that is ok, He is my Best Friend Forever and Ever!
Relationship. Tears come to my eyes as I think about the friends I have become seperated from and at one time we were bondend by Christ, which made us friends. I met the couple at church, friends during thick or thin, marriage infidelity in their marriage,later difficulties in mine. To make a long story short my friendship was catagorized as an “emotional affair”. My personality is emotional I love my friends, pray for my friends, treat them like a brother or sister. It has been a hard lesson to learn, and a painful seperation with a lot of hurt. My innocent, friendship, love was twisted. Now I withhold who I am in all of my relationships so nothing can be misunderstood, and it hurts. I was just a friend. I think the pain is worse because Christ was my bond nothing else. Hard little paragraph to write, I hope I’m understood. My one comfort is God knows who I am.
Interesting paragraph. I feel like you are describing me. I love my friends with my whole heart. For some, that is very difficult. I completely understand.
Lisa
Yanna,
I have never commented on anyone else’s comment on this blog before, but I just came across yours and had to let you know that I had a very similar thing happen in my own life. Extremely painful. It’s been three years since a close friend of eight years told me via email (after I encouraged her to really seek God about a dating relationship she had gotten into with a non-Christian) that she couldn’t imagine why I would be so concerned about who she was dating unless I was gay. She said she had thought for a while that I might be gay. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe that she had so misinterpreted my concern and who I was. I honestly was flattened and horrified that she had been thinking this. Anyway, the friendship ended. But know that you’re not alone. I, too, hold my friendships with some female friends in my life very dear – as sisters in Christ, with Him as the foundation – and I too have been misunderstood. And that caused a lot pain and even though I knew absolutely that the things this person said were not at all true, I will say that the enemy came for me and tried to confuse me and make me wonder what was wrong with me. Thankfully…what Satan meant for harm, God meant for good, and He is redeeming this experience that hurt me so deeply. He has taught me – and is teaching me and growing me – so much through this. Praise Your Name, Lord. And bless you, Yanna, in the Name of Jesus. He is Your Healer and your truest Friend.
Thank you Lauren and Lisa. This was really hard for me to open up and put in writing, and your understanding helps the hurt. I would love to hear Beth’s lesson just to get some insight into why our relationships with “Church” family can be the most hurtful. Interesting reading the other comments seems the common denominator is love and innocent love being used and abused, and I’m getting that dependence on God’s love is the only sure thing….anyway thanks Siesta’s.
Little Rock.
I’m about to turn 35 & I’m married to a minister and in fulltime ministry. So here is what I am facing right now. The winds of change and transition are blowing. It’s leaps of faith and stepping out into my God-sized dreams and I’m scared right now. I can’t hide behind a computer and write anymore and try to somehow separate one calling from another. I so wish I could just opt for the normal life, but abnormal suits me. As a wife and mother I have experienced many different seasons in ministry and motherhood with learning to share my man and myself with a congregation. And now a new ministry opportunity has opened up and I’m scared because for the first time my family is learning how to share me. They are my highest calling and I will not put anything before them. I don’t want to be a woman divided; I want to walk worthy of the calling unafraid and unhindered.
Relationship- My best friend and I had a very unhealthy co-dependant relationship. It was funny that so many good things could come out of such a (long) disastrous relationship. We were accountability partners. She, being the more godly and mature of the two of us, kind of lead our duo.
She was the one to end our friendship, I didn’t have enough self-esteem or brains at the time to see that we were in a mess. I was angry, really angry at her. It took a long time to heal. I just would pray that God would bless her even when I could not wish good things for her. I was blinded by hurt.
She and I had a mutual friend that was getting married and we “had” to see each other there. We had emailed each other before the wedding and I told her that I didn’t want to talk to her and that I couldn’t forgive her. I prayed my heart out about the issue, cried, got mad at God for taking my best friend away…. I also was really convicted by the verse about not forgiving others.
When the time came to see each other it was terribly awkward! Finally after trying to dodge each other the majority of the day, we talked. I don’t really remember which one of us initiated…but we talked.
We ended up meeting a few times after the wedding. We had coffee and caught up.Our relationship is different. The last time I saw her in person has to be at least a couple of years. Occasionally I will text or receive a text from her and it is nice. I am no longer caught up in the pain, I gave it to God. I have forgiven her. It’s wonderful to experience a healthy friendship and to be free of the anger I felt. We may not be best friends, but we are still friends!God truly has healed this area in my heart and I am grateful!
RELATIONSHIP
Two or three years ago I experienced a deep fracture in a strong friendship that I felt God was building between me and another believer. The division came when someone in our fellowship (unknown to me) told an untruth about me to this sibling in Christ. Rather than coming to me to resolve it, the offended party sought other counsel with a peer with whom I happened to have a working relationship. My co-laborer confronted me on the issue, and when I denied the untruth and attempted to both set the record straight and encourage face-to-face conversation with the offended believer so I could say the same, I was rebuffed on both accounts. Many painful weeks followed, where I felt I was walking on eggshells. I couldn’t even work without fits of weeping, and I frequently sought the Lord’s counsel to make me aware of what, if anything, I had done to offend. After days of being on my face before the Lord, He simply said to me, “You’ve done nothing, Child, or I would have told you by now. Let me, and I will be Your Defender.” I understood (though not willingly at first) that I was to release the issue. I was so wrapped up in identifying who had spread such a rumor, and what the motivation was, and how I could repair a broken trust with a friend, and God simply said, “Let go.” With reluctance, but relief, I did. Some years later, this believer and I do not have the relationship we once did, but this sibling in Christ speaks to me and we are cordial. The issue was never spoken of again, and I never got answers. Only God knows, and only God can heal what is unseen. Only by the grace of God.
Relationships
Almost two years ago, my husband and I felt led to leave the church we were attending. It was/is an amazing church, and we had some very close friends there. We were searching for something more for our children ages 6 months and 3 at the time. Anyway, there was another couple we loved to pieces, and still do, but it is very different now. They had the same struggles, but chose to stay when we left. Since this time we have had almost like a divider between us do to where both couples attend. We are both in amazing churches following after God. But I almost think it is the unified worship we had or something, anyways, it is hard, stinks, and very rough. We still try to get together once a month or so (it used to be every weekend), and try to act normal, but little things irrate both sides.
Hi Beth, I’m part of group 1 and will try very hard to be concise.
I had a very severe break from a friendship about 3 years ago. The Lord made it very clear to me during my times of intense prayer that this was not a friendship that would reconcile but that I’m to live in forgiveness, humility, and kindness. We are both believing women. We have tried several times to sit down and make things work but each time I left these talks, I was even more impressed that it just wasn’t right. It was a highly codependent relationship and we regularly violated other peoples’ confidences to one another and justified it by saying that we knew we would not betray such secrets. Also, private issues pertaining to our marriages were shared that I believe crossed appropriate boundaries…on a regular basis. So, in some ways, this made the false intimacy between us feel pretty intense. There were so many other variables that were unhealthy but I believe these to be two of the more important issues. Forgiveness has not been the issue b/c I believe we have both forgiven one another. But the familiar territory of betrayals of others’ and their secrets kept popping up when we talked. If the door to complete reconciliation is opened for us, I believe it will happen when we are both more healed and won’t feel the need to overshare with one another. I wish her God’s favor and blessings and we still move in similar circles. No animosity whatsoever…but very firm boundaries. My Father teaches me with great kindness and patience. I love Him.
I forgot to start by saying RELATIONSHIP. *sorry*
I have a similar story that I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to express and you have expressed it perfectly. For me forgiveness was essential to my healing. Though this relationship will not be repaired/restored on this side of Heaven, I am confident we will enjoy restoration in eternity. Thank you for sharing.
RELATIONSHIP: YES! My /our-my family’s- relationship with my sister is torn. We are all believers (except maybe my baby brother??). My parents’ legacy of faith is profound, and they surely left their mark on us grown kids. My sister (who actually got married the same day your Melissa did) has very sadly not been part of the family since that day! We were ALL SHOCKED by it! To say the least. We are a pretty close family, all sharing the bonds of Christ (not perfect BY ANY MEANS)… and we thought her almost more than any of us LOVED JESUS with her whole heart! One sticky year after another, for the last 3 years, we have seen her retreat into what you called the “weak willed woman” out of 2 Timothy 3 in one of your series (Breaking Free?? Can’t remember). We couldn’t believe this was our sister/daughter that we thought was SO strong in the faith. But her husband is a 2 Tim 3:2-7 man. As far as we can tell. And out of that marriage, a woman whose identy seemed to be in Christ and LOVED her family, couldn’t WAIT to spend time with them and be together, became a woman who doesn’t know an ounce of who she is anymore (especially in Christ), and has all but removed herself (and her daughter, my young niece) from the family, almost completely! We PRAY and pray for reconciliation… and we’ve all tried for it in almost every way we know how. But at this point, they are not interested in being a part of us. They are too bitter and hard hearted to forgive (I wish I could tell you how many times we thought we were forgiven to find out we weren’t!) I have mourned the loss of one of my sisters! My poor parents have been SO grieved by this.Their pain breaks my heart more than anything. Is this Satan trying to destroy our family? Maybe?? But its not going to happen! Praise the Lord for what He’s taught and established in us through this. I for one have grown even deeper in my conviction to have my own identity completely wrapped up in Christ alone (not in my husband or two little boys)! May it be so Lord Jesus! Amen!
Relationship… Yes, I’ve experienced a serious, painful breakage (breakup) with a man. We’d been friends for years prior to dating. I entered the relationship prayerfully. We’d had conversations about how the Lord was bringing us together as a couple — but within about 3-4 months, he broke up with me. When he was giving me the “it’s not you, it’s me” spiel, I could *tell* he was lying about a bunch of stuff (as you could when you’ve known someone for years). Painful! A couple months after the breakup he contacted me again with an “apology” of the “I’m sorry you feel that way” nature. I forgave him but I didn’t really want to maintain an active friendship. I did, however, KEEP PRAYING because I care about him deeply. About a year after breaking up, he contacted me and expressed genuine sorrow for what happened. We are now in contact again, from time to time. The friendship is not what it was. But, I am grateful that the Lord is at work in his (and my) heart, and that He’s brought about real reconciliation, and that He’s rebuilding trust.
Relationship: Interesting that you would bring this up, Beth. My relationship was with someone so dear and close, I still feel the ache from the fracture. We were close for years, and then two traumas occurred that changed everything. She got cancer then divorced(within in two years) That was 10 years ago. I made efforts to reconnect, met with silence. About 5 years ago, we did meet in a social setting, then had coffee to talk. It was awkward and different. I use to constantly examine my part I played in the fracture. Early in the relationship, I was codependent, and then recognized how unhealthy that was. The Lord was wanting it to change, and it did. People change, and I had to change as well, and get healthy and set boundaries. Making an unhealthy relationship happen when there is so much dysfunction takes two people desiring to be healthy. I could only do my part. I’m thankful to the Lord for getting me healthy over the years.
Relationship: Several years ago when I was going through some of my toughest struggles as a stepmother, God crossed my path with a girl I’ll call Leah. I never imagined she would be someone I would call my friend, we were so different. She was quiet and so wise, and I was loud and hadn’t settled down. But as our friendship grew I realized we were alike in so many different ways. We spent long nights during our pregnancies on the phone chatting until the wee hours of the morning. I never thought anything would come between us. We spoke on the phone a few times a week and emails back and forth. Until a few months ago before Christmas I had asked her if she was expecting again and she flat out lied and I knew in my heart that she had, but had no proof. A few days (days, I mean like 3) later she approached me, since it was all over facebook apparently, and thought she’d let me in on it. I was in such shock that I didn’t even know what to say. I just never thought something like that would come between us. But it has. I’m still very upset and disappointed. We rarely speak anymore and when we do it’s just a “hey how are you” type of thing. I’m not even sure she knows how devastated I am. But it seems to have not even bothered her, because she hasn’t seemed too concerned about why I’ve pulled back.
ALSO – I struggle a lot with “cliches” at church, which seems incredibly odd to me. If you aren’t part of this particular Sunday school class then it’s like you’re an outcast to be involved in other things that may be going on. Lots and Lots of Prayer!
Dawn, the worst cliques I’ve ever encountered have been at church! I belong to a Sunday School group that started out as the “young marrieds” class 30 years ago! Many of these “young marrieds” are now grandparents! Nobody would ever move ahead to the next age group. Most of the original group is still there, and they are very cliquish. I’ve been there 10 years and am still considered a newcomer. I try to find it amusing, but mostly I feel like an alley cat in a roomful of Siamese cats!
Relationship
I had a friend that I became very close with over several years. (She was the only non-family member in my wedding). We were living for the Lord together, both married, and as couples were very close, attended the same church and were in small group together. Long story short, I found out she and my husband were having an affair…and I had no idea. She had also been seducing other married men. This immediately ended our friendship. I forgave her…in my heart, on paper in a letter and also forgave her in person. She confessed her sin and apologized to me. However I knew that the friendship could not go on any longer, for many reasons. I realized that Satan had really gotten a foothold in her life and she was very deceived. I prayed for her…that’s all I could do.
Relationship
This fellow S.S.class member and I became real good friends, hung out together, talked on the phone, went shopping, all those things that adult ladies do with their girl friends. This went on for a few yrs, we had soooo much fun together. Then a new couple came to our S.S.class, and eventually things changed, some of her comments to me were not so kind in a round abut way, we didn’t talk as much, she didn’t have time for me, she was doing fun things with her new friend, like we once did. A few times we all got together and had fellowship, except it was me and my husband watching her and her husband have fellowship with this new couple, it was so obvious we were forgotten about as we sat at the same table. I finally said enough, and we have never been friends since. A few yrs after that she dumped that new friend for another ‘new friend’ just like she dumped me, that person came to me with it..funny huh? Several yrs ago I tried reaching out to her, but she has not changed, and has gone through several more ‘new friends’. Relationships can hurt to the very core, can’t they?
These are fascinating, you guys. WOW. My mind is spinning. Thank you so much. Keep them coming, Girls!
Relationship
In college, I had a very close friend who was like a sister to me–we had so much in common, helped each other through some tough times, and just loved each other’s company no matter what we were doing. However, about a year into our friendship, I was made aware of some information that really concerned me about the guy she was dating. I knew they were very serious and I feared that the wool was being pulled over her eyes, so even though it wasn’t easy to bring it up, I felt I would be a bad friend if I DIDN’T say something to her. Unfortunately, she was very offended that I questioned his integrity and her judgment and our relationship immediately changed. Within a few months, we were barely communicating. They ended up getting married and as far as I know are doing well…but our friendship has never been mended. We are cordial on the rare occasion that we see each other, but nothing more. It’s hard to look back and tell whether I did everything right when I expressed my concerns to her, but I wish that she could understand that I did it because I loved her and wanted the best for her. As you can tell, I am still grieved when I think about it, but I don’t know that she will ever see the situation any other way–she was very hurt by my “disloyalty.”
Relationship
I was part of a book club/community and grew to be close with many of the members as a result. We got together for large events and in smaller ones at each others’ homes over the years and really felt as though we knew each other. Heart sisters, you could call it.
At one gathering without a few of these friends, others started talking about how sad it was that one of the group was having such a hard time. Another person mentioned she’d helped out financially at some point. Then another chimed in with the same thing. The story may have been a little different, but the end result was a loan of some amount that hadn’t been repaid. Some had given a little, others much larger amounts. Much, much larger amounts.
After those pieces were put together, others found out and were able to add their own similar experiences. It was absolutely heartbreaking, and I think it really changed the way many of us viewed the group as a whole and made us start looking at each other differently.
The person naturally disappeared. To my knowledge no one ever got a dime of their loans back. Some of the suspicion went away, but it permanently affected many of us. It is still something of an internal struggle when it comes to trust and feeling secure with anyone, even after spending lots of time together.
I wish I had a happier ending, but I still struggle with allowing people to get close.
Kelly, a similar incident happened in my knitting group. We passed the hat for a member, a single parent, in financial difficulties. A rather substantial amount was collected. It was a gift, not a loan. We assumed she would use it to get caught up on her bills. After a while, we realized she still had her gym membership, cable TV service, and ate out several times a week. We wondered why she didn’t cut out those extras and put the money toward paying her bills. She abruptly stopped coming to the group; someone may have said something to her. Now, whenever I hear of a need, I react with suspicion. Is it real? If I give money, what will it be used for? There’s nothing wrong with being careful, but I’m praying for God to give me a more loving heart.
Relationships – Beth, I have 2 instances in my life where God moved people out. The first time I had 2 dear friends. One, God moved 4 hours away. The oher God moved to Spain! Then began 3 years of intense trial, but I realized that God moved them out of my life because I was too dependent on them and not dependent enough on Him. I was going to need Him during the next period of my life. The 2nd instance was pretty much the same. God needed my undivided attention. I lost 2 dear friends. In both these instances, the relationships have been restored with the exception of 1. I’ve told myself that if I find myself losing close friends and my heart being ripped apart, to hang on because God’s about to do something BIG!
Amen to that, Joyce! Thank you for sharing, this really brought great perspective to me.
Relationship
Two women in our church were best friends. I had a casual friendship with “A” because she was the leader of several activities in which I participated. “B” and I began to develop a deep friendship that blessed both of us but made “A” jealous. When confronted, “A” finally acknowledged her jealousy but didn’t know how to handle the mess with either “B” or me. Her jealousy ruined each of the relationships, reducing each relationship to very cordial but disconnected ones. Years later, “B” and I reconnected, grieved together over what we had lost, and began to grow in friendship. Very recently, now in another state and congregation, we had a women’s retreat and invited “A” to be the speaker on the topic of “friendship.” “A” did a wonderful job because of all she had experienced. It was a beautiful redemption of God’s grace, love and forgiveness! It just took a lot of time and heart transformation. God is so good!
Relationship:
A dear friend in the singles group at church years ago, just basically dropped me and never was close again. I called, I wrote, I even dropped by the home one day, years ago, and it appeared that someone was home, but no one came to the door. To this day, I do not know what I did, or did not do, to get the “cut off” from this person. The person even was in the hospital and I wrote a note of encouragement. I have really had to give this over to the LORD and ask Him to bless, encourage, and heal anything that needs healing in the other person, and in me. I have forgiven (him/her) for not responding to any of my overtures. But it was painful. I found out several weeks ago that others from our original group have lost touch with this person too, and they are no longer close. It’s sad. And yet, God asks us to go forward, not bitter, but full of hope and trust in Him. So, that’s what I endeavor to do, with His help.
Carol
Relationship-
My college roommate was my very best friend, but I was also dating the man of my dreams at the time we were roommates. She was like my soul mate. We were involved in ministry together, did Bible studies, and prayed together. I have never had a friend like her. She thought I was spending too much time with my man and at the time she said she didn’t feel like she could be in my wedding. It broke my heart. Our friendship was broken and over. We connected and have reconciled over facebook in the past few years. It’s not the same, but it’s better than not being connected to her at all. Losing the closeness of her friendship is one of my greatest regrets in life.
Yes, I have- two, in fact. Both involved ladies who had left their husbands and were contemplating divorce. I encouraged both to remember their promise before the Lord, get counseling, be restored and return home- in whatever order that needed to happen. One told me never to speak to her again and the other returned to her husband but has never made contact with me again. The hurt of a lost relationship stings, but I know I did the right thing to speak the truth in love and gentleness (I had prayed and talked this through with my husband before saying anything)- what kind of friend says nothing when disaster looms ahead?
Relationship – Yes, several years ago a dear sister began distancing herself from me, then abruptly stopped speaking to me just before my wedding. Though I tried to determine if I had done anything to cause her behavior she ignored multiple invitations to discuss what had happened. Nearly a year later, we were able to meet to discuss, but it still wasn’t clear what sparked her silent treatment nor did she express sorrow over the fissure. Needless to say I was crushed. I have forgiven her, and we are cordial when we see each other at church, but I no longer consider her trustworthy to share anything of substance with.
Relationship:
Yep experienced just what you described with a close friend. We were often together, working with same goals in mind, and after 2 years along came a BIG hurdle. I know we both did things we shouldn’t have, both responded in ways that grieved the Lord, but it ended in separation. I tried for about 2 years after that to reconcile the situation and was received civilly, but not with open arms and the desired reconciliation. As time passed, locations changed, circumstances changed and we now have not spoken in probably 12 years. Obviously I still remember and think about (at times) the broken relationship. I regret that the relationship changed and ended, but I do feel I did almost as much as I possibly could have to repair it albeit unsuccessfully.
Relationship ….. Ouch. Yes, I did have a terrible “breakup” with a Christian friend of mine. We were working together (I thought) on a women’s ministry project and because of a misunderstanding, she asked me to step down as leader. I have experienced rejection in the past (divorce etc) but none ever hurt as much as this time. Right in my church family – I think that is why. Though it was a year ago, the wounds are still sore. God knows my needs and pain though, and in His one-of-a-kind humor, He plants her in my path nearly every Sunday in our church of 4 services and 1300 people! We smile but it’s still “there.” At this point, it’s all about pride. I’m just waiting for the memory of the painful words to fade, yet I know I must be the first to talk………
Little Rock
My bible study group, here with me this weekend, are currently doing Breaking Free. Last week we finished Chapter 3, Removing the Obstacles. My biggest obstacle is the obstacle of peace. I know and understand that the key to that boulder being removed is prayer. After our group discussion, we discovered that many of us lack deep, meditative active prayer lives. We asked ourselves what and how we are to pray? What does that mean? How do we get there? What do we ask for, the list seems so long?!? It has weighed on me so much- your quote- a prayer less life is a powerless life…
Oops. My age is 28. I am married and a mom to a 19 month old girl. Prayer less ness is my biggest challenge right now which is why I wrote paragraph above!!!
Relationship–
When I was happily married, pregnant, and mom to a toddler boy… my spouse (who proclaimed to be a Christian) walked out. Never to return. Looking back I was a naive, young bride who didn’t see red flags, didn’t know how to properly nuture a marriage, and never dreamed the word divorce would be uttered from her mouth. After holding out for two years, our state pushed the divorce through at his request. It was a pivotal moment for me in my walk w/Jesus. Although it was the most painful story of my life thus far, it was also the sweetest. Wouldn’t trade those tears in for anything…
Relationship:
I had been praying for a Godly girlfriend when I moved back home. All of my other friends had left and I didn’t have anyone outside of my family. Eventually a girl close to my age came to work in the same Christian school where I worked. We became buddies. We grabbed food, chatted our heads off, and prayed for each other. That was…until a leadership position was offered to us both to share and she pushed me out so that the position became solely hers (I backed away from it because I did not like the air of competition that was being set into motion). I went through a rough time with another relationship and had shared with her in confidence what had occurred. It was nice to have someone to share with and (hopefully) pray for me. Then I found out that she went to the pastor of the school where I worked and told him what I told her in confidence and he went further to make certain allegations against my character and morals (which were not true). I was asked to resign. I was devastated. And she never made an effort to contact me again. That was a very painful time in my life. I just did not expect to be so betrayed by a sister in Christ, especially after I had been praying for a dear friend to come into my life.
Relationship:
After I was married I had 2 BFF’s that I now see they were a realtional idol to me. We talked ALL the time on the phone, hung out, etc. One of them I knew from college. We were married at the same time, going through teacher’s ed together, and then planning our pregancies at the same time. The other was pretty much the same except different occupation and our husbands became friends. I depended on them for everything. The one problem was that I also desired to want Jesus to be my everything. I guess He got tired of playing second fiddle. My insecurites haven’t been lady-like enough to wear a mask. They pretty much put it all out there. After the birth of my 2nd child, taking care of an extremely strongwilled toddler, and trying to figure out why on earth I was having so many old thoughts and insecurites get in the way, my world didn’t shake, it rocked and rolled. Both relationships went up in smoke. 1 ended b/c I couldn’t handle the co-dependency, and the other she ended b/c she couldn’t handle me strangling the life out of her. I took all of my stuff and laid it at their feet…sometimes Jesus too..but they had a voice I could hear out loud. I didn’t have to rely on myself to hear his voice. Approval addiction, insecurity, no identity led to the death of the realtionships that I thought I would die without. Turns out I’m still heartbroken, but not bleeding every where…and I still mirculously have a husband.
Your story is touching!
Relationship
I had what I considered to be a fairly close friendship with two separate people (both believers). We spent time together at church, in Bible Study, shopping, going to lunches and movies together, going to LPL together, etc. At one point I would have considered both women my “best friend.” Although they knew each other and on occasion we three did things together, my two friends were mostly acquaintances with each other. One of the friends moved away and I became even closer with the one who stayed. Then the friend who had moved away moved back, but things had changed between us (I don’t know why, because we had talked frequently). However, this friend then became “best friends” with my other friend (the one who had not moved). And I was left out in the cold. I would see comments on Facebook between the two, so I knew they were spending much time together, but neither one wanted to talk or spend time with me. At one point, I even asked if I had done something wrong or offended my friend, but she said no, that she had just been “busy” and that is why we hadn’t talked or spent time together. I don’t know if she is deluding herself, but she is not deluding me. We used to see/talk several times a week and now we don’t. Although we say hello at church, that is the extent of our relationship now. I have wracked my brain and I honestly have no idea why this relationship changed. I do know that it has been very very hurtful and a year later, I’m still struggling with how to handle it.
Relationship- During a period of darkness and anxiety attacks in my life (brought on from a hurtful childhood and my own sinful choices) God had moved me & my family to a new church. He led into my life one of the best friends I had ever had. She had also gone through these same things and was on the other side of them. God placed her to walk with me and to speak truth into my life. The only difference was that she had turned to drugs in her past and I had turned to perfectionism!! Our relationship grew in the Lord for about 3 years and then I noticed a great change in her! I would soon find out that she had forsaken the Lord and turned back to her life of drugs. It was awful and she has been out of my life for 3 years now. We were doing the Daniel study and in the video you had talked about our strong-ones not being there anymore. As much as the loss and what she chose hurt me to the core, I had to keep following Jesus!! I knew He had called me and used her to help me but I was not following her, but Christ. I still get sad, hurt, angry and all sorts of other emotions from time to time because Satan sits back and laughs when someone falls. I pray for her and sometimes reflect on just how things can change!! I pray that God will bless you Beth.
Your Sister in Christ,
Erin
Relationship
I had a dear friend that I had met through another friend in high school. We both wound up moving at the same time, but we still kept in close contact and visited each other often. She began dating a guy who was called to the ministry, and they became engaged. I also began dating my husband, but we were a long way from a step toward matrimony because of our stage in life. It just wasn’t time. After my friend got married, we sort of lost touch for a while, which happens when people get married. When I finally did see her again, she told me a horrible story about something that had happened in their ministry, and that she and her husband were changing denominations. It wasn’t a huge deal to me because it was a faith that believed basically the same things. The problem was she and her husband began to bad mouth our denomination! I’m not all about denominationalism AT ALL, but she became very beligerent toward people in our denomination. Then she had the nerve to start telling me that my husband (boyfriend at the time) would never marry me! It was a bad scene. Needless to say, that friendship ended.
RELATIONSHIP: I had a friendship with an older woman at our tiny country church for more than 10 yrs. I was involved on one of her committees. She probably ran the church although she was not the pastor. She knew my kids well. Bascially my life exploded with one heartbreaking tradgedy after another in a very short period of time. My child needed several surgeries, a sudden death of a close family member, terrible illness of another, my own devastating illness, plus more stuff, yet there I was left swinging in the breeze. I reached out to her several times and she was compassionate, but she never called and never showed any further interest. I was so hurt by her. We left our church and still no call. I was able to forgive the other church people for their coldness to my family, but not her so much. I believed we were friends. When I happen to run into her now, she is clueless as to my hurt. I pretend nothing is wrong. Forgiveness can be a long process sometimes. I’m glad God is quicker than me.
Relationship- I have a friend that I’ve known for almost 30 years. We grew up together and were pregnant with our babies at the same time. She was like the sister that I never had. When she had her first baby she quit work and became a stay at home mom, but I had to return to work after my first. She eventually homeschooled her boys and mine go to public school. Our lives began to go down different paths. She pretty much isolated herself from the outside world and that included me and our other friends. When we would get together for girl’s nights, she would call at the last minute and say she couldn’t make it. She was slowly pulling away from us. She sent out letters regularly updating everyone on her family. The last one I received said that she has come to a place in her life where she is content with having her family and the Lord and she doesn’t need friends. I’ve only seen her once in the past 3 years. I call her from time to time, but it is awkward. We are planning to get together for dinner next month, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I really wish I could just let it go, but for some reason I just can’t.
Tammy,
I pray you can keep an open mind. There maybe more to the her situation than meets the eye. Not that her situation is similar to what mine was… I was in an abusive marriage. It was extremely controled. My ex would give me grief every time I wanted to get together with my friends so I pulled away, it was just easier. I even was on no speaking terms with my mother and sisters. I didn’t speak or see my mother for 3 yrs. This was all control. I put up a good front for 8 years. I would say just love her where she is. My mom still sent me birthday cards and christmas cards and I cherished them deep within. So don’t stop doing what you do. Isolation from loved ones is a big sign of abuse. I could be way off and I pray that I am. I will definetly add this to my pray list. Again keep an open mind. I pray you enjoy your time together.
Shannon
Kissimmee, Fl
RELATIONSHIP:
In the past 2 years this has happened with 3 of my closest friends. All 3 for different reasons- #1 b/c of sin made her run like mad, #2 b/c someone told her a lie about me and she believed it, and #3, well, still don’t know. With all of them I talked to them many times to try to reconcile, to see what was going on, etc. With #1, I ended up bring a couple of other close girlfriends to her into the situation, but she ran even harder. Today: all the friendships have ended. #1 and #2 have apologized but I’m still struggling to trust because of the lies and abandonment.
RELATIONSHIP: I have currently gone through the strain and ceasing (at least temporarily, not sure about the permanence of it) of a very good friendship. We have been close confidants for about 12 years. Our daughters were very good friends for the longest time. But as happened once before in a friendship, I believe this was another case of someone counting on me for their happiness, solution to all their needs and in a sense they counted on me far beyond what I was capable of delivering to them. Insecurities gave way to jealousy which has been a destructive combination in my being able to initiate any kind of reconciliation. This friend has incredible ministry gifts. She is so others oriented and gift giving. I’ve always been ashamed to say that my gift giving is an area that I need much practice and discipline in. Another factor in the breech of friendship I am fully convinced is personality conflicts. What speaks care and “your important to me” is so different for her than what speaks care and importance to me.But there is a resentment that she is holding tightly too…something that was very out of my control. Something I had no choice in the matter or any other human on earth could control. She is looking for happiness, worth, importance and purpose, but she is her own worst destructive enemy. She know the one who offers her the power to overcome, but pride keeps her from owning her stuff. Blame is much more comfortable. I am praying for God to do a miracle work. I long for freedom for her.
RELATIONSHIP–Like so many others…I got to know this woman in a Sunday school class I was leading. We became friends and then our husbands became friends and we started doing things together as couples. Our children were also friends and so we also did family things. Most of our times together involved discussions about our faith and our families. About two years in she started making what at first seemed benign comments about my husband. She then started emailing him to arrange couples nights out. Every time she would email my husband he would have me respond to her, but it did not stop. The emails became phone calls and then during the meal set up for our Wednesday night children’s program, she commented that it must be great to wake up next to him. That was the last time we spoke. I did not get angry, I just removed myself from her life and so did my husband. We have seen them since, and they both act like no time has passed.
We remain at a safe distance.
I applaud your instinct to know the situation was not right.
In reading the multiple comments from other women on here that shared of their stories of how another friend suddently ceased talking, or being in contact, it encouraged me to mention, so that your former friend isn’t in the dark and possibly one of these women sharing right now about how she once had a friend who no longer speaks with her, to share with your friend why the sudden distance.
Little Rock ~
My name is Sara. I’m 29 years old. I’ve been married for 11 years and a youth pastor’s wife for 5 of those. I am mommy to two boys 8 and 9, and to two babies in heaven, who I love and miss, but never met. I also have a disease called alopecia, it causes unexplained hairloss, and in my case, complete and total hairloss. I’m bald as a bug, as they say. I’ve been bald for 4 years. I have been in a pit…deep and dark. A pit of self-loathing, lies, self-harm, grief, and pain. I never thought I would be free. I thought that that pit was my new normal. But God had other plans! In the midst of much pain, the Lord has lifted me out of a pit and put a new song in my mouth…literally! He didn’t remove my circumstances, but He gave me joy in the midst of them. Praise you Lord! He has taken my circumstances and given me the ability to write music to express to Him how I feel about Him and I am in awe of Him!
My biggest challenge is to stop listening to the lies of the enemy. To stop being burdened again by the yoke of slavery…it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set me FREE! I am who CHRIST says I am…fearfully and wonderfully made! And to step out in faith and do the thing He is calling me to do…sing to Him and to use the songs He has given to make His name famous!
I already shared but this is one of the most painful things that happened with me with christian women: I was new at a church and went to the women’s prayer study. I was an introverted person who was trying not to be anymore and shared that, and why I didn’t participate and had such problems with groups. In that explanation, I stupidly said that sometimes people in a group can just be stupid because they go with the flow instead of be honest. I felt I talked too much, apologized, and they all said, no, it was fine, good. When I left, as I got in the car I felt a familiar sense of having been foolish, then thought, no, it was fine, I believe the Lord is really teaching me now how to be part of a group and I was very happy. Then, the next day the group leader called me and asked how I felt about that study. I said I was so happy that I knew the Lord was teaching me about being a part of a group and when I ended she said, “because you know, it’s not all about you. As the group leader I have to ask you not to monopolize. You had someone in tears.” I was just dumbfounded. I thought, see, it’s just as I thought! I thought, it’s really dumb about the woman who was in tears. Didn’t she hear what I was saying? Since, I’ve gotten much more involved (some place else) but I felt really bad about that and still do. I tried to call and email that person but she never responded. A year later I emailed her again and she responded but it was superficial. It leaves me feeling kind of bad.
Sorry — Relationship.
Relationship
My best friend in the world was someone I knew since elementary school. We both accepted Christ at early ages. She was white and I am black but that was never a problem. I had alot of family and church issues as a child. Her mother was like my second mom and her home was an escape for me. She had freedoms that I could only imagine. She would make music tapes for me of the latest releases by Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, and other Christian artists. As a child and an adolescent I was just trying to survive and not be hurt too badly by others. I didn’t know myself. During college, I had lots of therapy and after college I had lots of spiritual healing. My friend and I kept in contact off and on through the years and supported each other through failed marriages and other life struggles. As divorced women, we moved in as roommates. I just knew God had brought us together to support each other and to strengthen our relationship. But that year of being roomies killed the relationship. I had changed too much; my friend couldn’t really accept the changes. The friendship dynamics were stuck in adolescent patterns based on the wounded child/teenager I had been. I no longer needed “saving” and the only thing we had in common was Christ. I think my friend was shocked that we didn’t think alike or enjoy 100% of the same interests. I still miss her and I wish our friendship would be restored.
Relationship: I became friends with a woman, and yes, I believe that we were drawn together by God. I had grown up in the church, and had been a believer for a long time. She had only been a believer for a few years. Her passion for the Lord was unlike anything I had ever witnessed. She knew so much more about God’s Word than I did. We had very different backgrounds, and really, most everything about us was different from each other. But we had deep discussions about many topics, and I thoroughly enjoy deep discussions. We had been close friends for a couple of years before I began to watch her life unravel before my very eyes. Eventually, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. As her condition deteriorated, I realized what a co-dependent relationship we had created. She needed me badly, and I needed to fix her just as badly. Finally, I had to tell her that I needed a break. It was worse than any breakup with a guy I had ever experienced. Several months after that, she moved away. I kept in touch with her a little bit by email and telephone. My last conversation with her was 3 days before she committed suicide. Even if she had lived, I don’t think our relationship would have ever been completely restored. Just last week, I was thinking about how I wished she was around to discuss some theological issues. I can see how God has used that relationship to teach me about co-dependency, and as a result, other relationships in my life have become more healthy. But, I still miss her sometimes.
RELATIONSHIP – God lead me to help a woman in our community who had just moved across the country to marry a “local boy”. They soon found themselves expectingand the husband’s job took him away from his family for weeks on end. It put her and their marriage in a difficult place. Throughout this time, God continued to place her in my path where we would discuss her concerns and heartaches. People would call me about concerns they had for her asking if I knew if everything was okay. We began to spend a lot of time together and developed a very trusting, yet one sided friendship. After a while, I began to feel exhausted everytime we spent time together or talked on the phone. It really began to bother me b/c I did feel that God had placed it on my heart to befriend her and help her. I felt like I was disappointing God by feeling the way I did. I talked to my pastor about it and he recommended that I put some distance between us and see how God lead me. I took his advice and have felt that God has released me from the friendship. That’s not to say that we don’t still see each other or talk, but it is not at the same level. I don’t necessarily feel hurt or disppointed, I simply feel released.
Relationship–I am still going through what turned out to be very painful “break-up” with a former best friend in Christ. We had been friends for several years–the very best of friends–then, about 3-4 years ago she developed some health problems. These health problems, all of which were resolved at least 2 years ago, turned her into the most self-absorbed, needy & manipulative person I have ever known. It got to the point that any time she would communicate with me whatsoever–be it email, phone conversation or talking to me at church–she never once asked me about myself, my husband, my kids or my grandkids or, for that matter, anybody else in our mutual Sunday School class. It was all about her. It became painfully obvious to me that she had stopped caring about anybody and everybody except herself. For over two years I put up with this and then I just got fed up and I just started trying to withdraw from her. She eventually caught on and called me and asked me point blank what the problem was and I told her. She promised to change which lasted for about a month and then it was right back to her old habits. To be very honest, dealing with her just drew all of the life giving energy out of me and I finally had to put a stop to it altogether for my own well being. It didn’t go over well and she even brought her daughter into it by having her daughter send me a very disrespectful email. I have forgiven her but I won’t be drawn into her again. We are still in the same Sunday School class and are what I refer to as “friendly acquaintances” but that is all. It’s very sad and I pray for her all the time.
Relationship….There is a gal that God put in my life about 23 years ago. God blessed me with the opportunity to lead her to Christ and disciple her and we became close friends. Thru the years she moved a lot but our bond was always tight. A few years ago we started coresponding on a regular basis. One day I shared in a email that my son was having a struggle letting go of his first love. At the time she was a Psycology Major and she emailed back her professional opion that included some hurtful thoughts about how he shouldn’t be struggling. I wrote back trying to explain what he was going though. The emails continued with more professional advise on how he had issues to get over.I felt it was time to stop this so I sent one more email telling her that he didn’t have these issues and it was simple loneliness and heartbreak at the end of a two year relationship. I look back now and see that I phrased the email more firmly than I needed to. I have not heard from her since. That was about a year and a half ago. Sometimes I am tempted to send a email with the words “I am sorry” on them but I havn’t done it yet. So at this time there is just silence between us.
Relationship:
From your friend, the rock star. Never been called that before. I needed a smile before attempting this next bit of visceral vulnerability. As I’m presently knocking rather loudly on the menopause door myself, this “breakup” has been on my mind anyway. A very dear lady that I looked up to immensely was unable to weather the storms of mid-life without feeling the ravaging affects of trauma in her childhood. And as a result, she alienated herself from almost all who loved her. Her relationship with the Savior had been a beauty to behold and truly an inspiration to me personally. But the enemy of our souls came to steal and destroy. And steal he did, for she backed away despite all my pleadings to the contrary. You cannot make a grown person find healing.
Restored? No, mam. But she will talk to me now when I call. Answers? God gave me a big one in an old Wayne Watson song. Odd, I know. But just give a listen:
Heard that friends are friends forever.
But we don’t talk much anymore.
I guess that I’ve gone my way and I guess that you’ve gone yours.
Was kindness too neglected on my list of deep regrets?
In spite of distance unexpected, can we forgive, but not forget?
Sometimes I think about you.
Some old memories make me cry.
Remembering the good times makes me laugh.
But all in all I’m richer for the happy and the sad,
And thankful for a season in your past.
Thank you, Jesus! We’ll be close again at His feet someday.
Relationship with our church and pastor had become distant. My husband was a pastor at our church and saw the relationship and tone of the church changing, when he decided to say something we were told we could leave. I see now that they were truly going in a different direction and we were not happy their. We saw the pastor once or twice since 2004 but we have no relationship with him now.I know we were talked about for sometime behind our backs which was the hardest for me to forgive. I have learned so much from my God through this lose and that is that I need to put my trust in HIM alone not in man and to live my life focused on God and not what others think of me. Praise God we are at a wonderful church now and I’ve never been so close to my God as now. Susan
After reading through some of the responses here, it’s like we are the church of broken relationships. And, I no longer feel alone on the island of misfit toys! Love each one of you!!!
You are so right Lisa! I feel the same way and I also believe I am learning from our brothers’ and sisters’ experiences! Praise the Lord!!!
Relationship
Nearly a year ago my husband and I had a very difficult discussion. Well, it was mainly “us” doing the talking and he the listening. Tears were shed as we told our dear friend and pastor that it was time to move on. We had come to this church with such visions and hopes. We poured ourselves into it. But it became clear it was time; time to move on. We respected this person, ate with him, loved him and had hopes that this friendship would continue. Things being what they are, it hasn’t. Hurts run deep, even for men and women of God. It’s in love that we approached the conversation in the first place and in love that we keep the door open…
Relationship . . .
I have experienced a permanent friendship breakage, which I can now see as God’s work in my life, and I’m grateful for it. I discovered that a close friend was lying about pretty much everything in her life and her sins had caught up with her. Her life self-destructed and it no longer became safe or healthy for me to be around her. I don’t think I could have broken free from the relationship myself, so God did it for me . . .quite dramatically, I might add. Thank you, Jesus. It was, however, the most painful few months of my life.
Relationship/ My girlfriend and I met in 1997 while in treatment for depression. It was absolutely amazing and a definate God thing that we came to be friends as we did. We were from the same area and at the same facility about 70 mins from where we lived. We bonded and became good buddies as well as our hubbies. In 2000 she seperated from her husband and moved into an apartment. At the same time we were having a house built and moved temporarily right below her. We both thought this would be a great thing to be living next to one another. Well
that was not the case. We ended up with alot more than we bargained for and saw each other at some pretty low times which would normally be ok. The problem we did not see at the time was that we both struggled with some of the same defense mechanisms which one was to withdraw when things got tough to protect ourselves. We ended up having a falling out during the time we were both moving and did not speak for over 2 months. What a painful time that was for both of us. We have both always been afraid of people leaving us. Well I can say my girlfriend whom was the less prideful one picked up the phone and called me. We had a few tough conversations while processing all that happened but I can say 14 years later that while the road has been bumpy our friendship is much deeper and she is the one person besides my husband that knows all my quirks and still loves me. Matter of fact she is living with us at this moment while trying to get back on her feet (which is a whole other story 🙂 I can say God has given us both the strength and heart to perservere in this relationship. Now when one of us might be troubled with an issue that arises we bring it to the table right away instead of building walls and isolating from one another. Praise The Lord only He can do that!!!!!!!
Relationship-My friend and I have known each other for approximately 15 years. We both had different upbringings, but spent the latter halves of our middle school years growing up in the church together (she was adopted in middle school). The dissolution of our friendship is grounded to one point–that I had trouble believing accusations she had against her father, whom my family has known for many many years. She ended up moving away from the area and has stayed away which, in any relationship, would cause a strain, but intensified ours. I tried to “make up” for my unbelief, apologized for any wrong I felt I committed, but nothing happened. This went on for ten years, with a terrible breakdown this past summer. Just recently, I took myself away from the only contact I had with her. I’m learning to love from a distance and let God take care of the rest. It’s hard, but I finally realized, with help from a friend, that God wants us to have peace, and that peace only comes from Him. Sometimes to have that peace, it’s neccessary to let go of those we love and let God have control.