My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
What a beautiful soul! Thanks so much for sharing! 🙂
Thank you,
Thank you,
Thank you,
Praise you LORD JESUS!
Sweet Gay,
Thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us! I was so touched by what you wrote and yet again in AWE of how awesome God is! Isn’t HE just the coolest? 🙂 I used to attend Beth’s Sunday School class while visiting my sister’s church in Houston years ago, and I remember praying for her dear loved one, but never knew who that was! When she came to my home town about 2 years ago in Tampa she shared what God had done in your life, and I was so excited to see what He had in store for you! I cannot wait to hear more of your God story! You are a blessing and dearly loved, my sister! 🙂
PRAISE GOD!!!!! Thank you Beth and Gay for sharing your life so honestly with us. It gives Hope to the broken.
Praise the LORD Gay, Praise the LORD!!!! Thank you for sharing what God is doing in your life! I look forward to hearing about your journey. I am encouraged to not give up hope for some loved-ones in my life. My God bless you more and more each day as you journey with HIM!!
Oh how this post touched me Beth and Gay! There are several members of our family that are in the bondage of addiction. I pray for them daily and am encouraged to see how God frees them from bondage and then uses them for His purpose. Thank you Gay for your honesty and enthusiasm. God bless you on your journey with Him and now with me too!
Oh Gay, we love you so much. Thanks for being brave and writing. I’m just sitting here crying and smiling as I do most days I read the posts here.
I love getting new sisters!! It’s the best.
My heart is so full of Psalm 139 right now.
We love you!
Beth,
Thank you for sharing your precious sister with us. She is precious already.
Gay, thank you for stepping out and being so willing to share your story with us. I have tears streaming down my face as I’m writing this. I’m so glad to meet you dear Sister in Christ. I look forward to reading the other installments dear Gay.
Love to you,
Your sister in Christ,
Patti
Your courage and obedience to speak about God’s faithfulness in your life is inspiring! May He continue to guide you, protect you, and be the ultimate Encourager that we seek to emulate.
Thanks Gay for your courage and honesty in sharing with us. How lovely you are!! My son needs help in this area and I’m hoping that as he reads your testimony it will encourage him to do what he needs to do. His pastor recently said to him that he didn’t have to drink another drop. I am praying that God gives him the grace, mercy, and help to be able to do exactly that very soon! Thanks for your AMAZING ENCOURAGEMENT!!!
I got on today to let you dear Houston folks know that I’m not going to be able to come this weekend.
I did complete the year with my cards and it was the first time I’ve ever systematically work on memorizing parts of the Word. I have been so blessed by it. More and more of the Word in my heart. I hope it will continue into this next year and so on.
I just read this part of your story, Gay. GOD bless you dear one. We are all such ragamuffins. GOD loves His ragamuffin girls. Thank GOD thank today YOU and I and so many others are resting in HIS arms. GOD help us choose to do the same tomorrow. HE loves YOU so. Thank you for putting yourself out there for us.
Beth, thank you for trusting us with your dear sister. What a tender and awesome risk. I’m excited that perhaps in heaven, over many cups of coffee, all of you will begin to comprehend how mightily Jesus has used your testimonies and ministries to help so many of us learn how to stand on solid rock. GOD help all of us get up one more day and stand and then share.
Beth, thank you. Love you dear sister!
Gay, my brother has been sober since 10/10/2010. Thank you dear sister for sharing your story and reminding me to just praise God for that today! Speak on!
Thank you, Beth & Gay, for loving Jesus enough and for trusting us enough to lay yourselves bare and share with this community. I look forward to your coming installments. I dare say all of us have loved ones who appear hopeless and for whom we’ve grown weary in praying. Your deliverance is beautiful and I celebrate Jesus with you!
Beautiful- straight from God.
He is good.
All
The
Time.
May His Peace be constantly and consistently yours.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. Praise God for redeeming and rescuing us where we are, if we will just call out to him. I am so happy you did.
Thank you Thank you Thank you! What a beautiful moment this is….. so thankful for God’s redemption and restoration and your willingness to share. I will read your story and rejoice with you. I am an active member and leader in Celebrate Recovery and know first hand – God never wastes a hurt surrendered to Him. Celebrating with you both!
Hi Gay:
Thanks for being real. For you, your deliverance was alcholism, but for me it’s been insecurity. I’ve been on a 10 year love journey with God trying to sift through the drama of my life. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that my problem wasn’t other people’s fault, but my unwillingness to rest in Jesus Christ. Just like you, I now have a clear understanding of God’s love for me despite my faults and setbacks. Thanks for sharing your story because everyone has one. The question is will they be as brave as you are to share it?
Stay encouraged and continue to let God use you.
Tiffany Godfrey, The Committed Wife
Gaye, I’m so glad you have come into my life. Praise God for being the Almighty Radical One who heals, and that He interrupted and changed your life into what He wanted for you! We know that your healing and restoration has helped make our Beth’s life more complete also, and we all are thankful for that:) I am praying for you as you continue to seek and walk in the Will of our Father. I look forward to hearing more of your story. Until later, “chairein!” (that’s James’s salutation Beth taught us meaning “Joy to you!”)
Hi Beth and Gay,
God is going to use you in HUGE and IMMEASURABLE ways!!!! Keep following and obeying…….and hold on tight Gay….you are going for a wild ride with the Lord!!! So proud of you!!
love Jill
It is through tears of joy that I am pleased to meet you, Gay! My heart overflows with gratitude for your willingness to share your story. No doubt, God will use your testimony to bless others. It has blessed me. Praise Jesus for His unending love and mercy!
Beth, thank you for trusting us enough to love your sister!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am not an alcoholic, but I recently told someone that sometimes I wish I was an alcoholic so that I could do what my husband often tries to do, drink his troubles away, or drink himself numb, as he puts it. As one who loves and prays for an alcoholic spouse whose love for alcohol is one of the contributing factors to our failing marriage, and as a mother who prays for her adult son who has recently begun drinking socially, I thank you for sharing your story and Victory with us. It gives me hope at a time when I’ve considered giving up. Praise God for the miracles He’s worked in you, and the many miracles He will continue to work through you.
It is so nice to meet you! We are so honored to hear your story and be challenged in our walks with God as we do so. From these few paragraphs, I can already see that God is going to use your story in unimaginable ways for His glory alone. Thank you for your openness, your vulnerability, and your tenderness. You are welcome here, and you are safe here.
God bless you, Gay! He will surely bless us all by your honest testimony and willingness to be bold for Him. Anxiously awaiting your next post as I pray for you and His direction.
Beth- So blessed by you writing from your gigantic heart, as always.
Gay- Thank you! May God CONTINUE to bless you as you are faithful and obedient to His calling. So brave of you… all of it. Surrender sounds simple, but until we have experienced TRUE surrender, we don’t realize that we rarely get it right. Then we say ‘OH… THAT’s what You meant!’ Beauty from ashes… only God can do that, and I thank Him and praise Him for doing that for you.
Thank you, Gay, for sharing your story with us and reminding us of God’s extravagant grace and love for us all. Cannot wait to hear more from you
YAY WE HAVE A NEW SIESTA! Or shall we call her our “Siesta Auntie?!” 🙂
So HELLO Gay! What a joy to meet you and begin getting to know you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It made me think of this quote I read today, “There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future!” PRAISE GOD for giving you such a bright future but using your past as part of your future! I am excited to read more of your story. I have an alcoholic brother who loves Jesus and just pray that his life could be transformed like yours. If any of you siestas could pray for him, it would mean so much to me. His name is Nate.
Thanks again Gay…you just keep on writing as God gives it to you. You made my rainy & cold Pennsylvania day bright & warm! And thanks Beth for sharing your sister with us.
God bless you Gay!
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us Gay. We give God all the GLORY!!!!!
You are a “Walking Miracle!” Evident that our LORD Jesus still heals today! Thanks for being so real and transparent with us.
Hi Gay!!!
This is particularly miraculous to me because 5 years ago at a conference Beth just mentioned a loved one in the throws of addiction. I dedicated myself to praying for that person daily. And through praying over whoever that may be, I began to be pulled out of all the pits I was in myself. Several months ago I listened to a recent talk of Beth’s Online in which she was able to share that it’s always been you. And that you are living in incredible freedom. And I sobbed like crazy. I’ve never prayed for someone for years and then seen radical transformation like this. Except in myself. I wish I could just chill with you for a while. I’d love you, I know it!
Thank you for sharing – our family has been so destroyed by alchohol – My grandfather (a baptist preacher) was a closet alchoholic, his oldest son the same, my sister started drinking at 17 also and only quit 2 years ago because she nearly died – although she is sober now due to her health she has never admitted or dealt with the underlying issues. Her only daughter Lisa – age 27 , praise God, has been sober for almost 3 months – but still needs to have a personal relationship with God – and my brother is an alchoholic also and the only reason he is not homeless or in jail is because my dad continues to help him financially – ignoring that a couple of years ago while my dad was traveling he wrote bad checks on his account and stole all of his guns and sold them – my dad’s health is failing and when he passes my brother will probably end up in jail. Please pray for my family! I will be praying you yours
WOW! Can’t wait to hear … the rest of the story!! God is good! Thank you Gay and Beth for your obedience to the Lord to tell the story and bring Him praise!! In tears and thanking God! There’s is nothing impossible with God! He can do what no one else can!! Praise Him! Thankful for you two amazing women!
Gay,
So nice to meet you and thank you for being willing to share your jouney! You are a beautiful daughter of the Most High God, our sweet Siesta in Christ, and it will be an honor to hear your story and undergird you with prayer as you take the risk to tell it! All for His great fame!
Blessings,
Cindy K
Dear Beth & Gay,
Thank you so much for your very Brave testimony. It’s such an encouragement to so many others. The best part is that it Glorifies God!
Gay, keep up the great work! with God all things are possible & nothing is impossible! Just keep on leaning on him. Especially when it feels impossible to do what you need to!
Love & prayers in Christ
Dearest Gay,
I read your post last night and laid in bed just touched to the core of my heart and speechless with what to say, other than to thank God for you, and the awe and wonder of HIS POWER!! Gay, don’t ever stop speaking about your life!!! There is a hurting world of addiction to so many things and Satan loves every addicted soul he can bind. Be strong and be courageous, Gay, for even in this one introductory writing, you have touched us by witnessing to HIS HEALING POWER and HIS ULTIMATE GLORY. I pray that God will keep your mind at rest and that your eyes remain focused on Jesus as you tell your story and minister to many. I’ve already grown to love you and I don’t even know you:)))
Thank you sister in Christ for opening up your life with Jesus for others to see!
Have a wonderful day!!!!
Love,
Leah
Gay and Beth:
Praise GOD! The only response I can manage is…
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!!!!!!!!!
Kay
Wow, Wow and again I scream, WOW!!!
Gay, that was a beautiful post and I’m so honored to have read your words. Thank you for your willingness to share your story. Thank you for your honesty. I love it and appreciate it!
I am over-joyed that you are going to continue sharing on this blog and that you’re celebrating 1,000 days + of sobriety.
How happy I am for you and Beth to have this wonderful, beautiful, God-ordained, opportunity!
Amen! preach it! I was raised in an extremely violent alcoholic home, but watched God change my father’s life into a walking vessel for him. Those alcoholic tendencies are there for me…praise God He keeps me safe. Can’t wait to hear more Gay!
Dear precious Gay…every inch of my being is stimulated to the point of raised hair on my arms!! You are a messenger of hope and an example of His powerful healing!! As one Siesta put it…”we ALL have a story”! We all have a Redeemer! Our stories differ in nature but are similar in the outcome through our beloved Jesus!!
Thank you Beth for sharing Gay with us! We will treasure her…the same way we treasure you!!
To God be the glory!!
Hey Gay –
My name is Lisa, and I’m an alcoholic.
I’m also a siesta, a daughter, a mother, a wife, and a member of a church plant initiative.
I am a dearly loved daughter of the King bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus.
I have been waiting and wondering if you would ever join us on here. I remember when Beth posted your 1 year coin on the blog and I was flooded with relief that my favorite Bible teacher understood (in some way) the recovery process and how Jesus uses us in a unique ministry only He could conceive.
I love you and am so glad to know you…!
Keep coming back….to the One and Only King of all Kings for His glory!
Praise God! Nearly everyone writes thank you for sharing, and I am not different. I most sincerely thank you. For me also, it is a message of hope. We have a 23 year old son, addict (drug of choice, hydrocodone), currently in a facility in Lubbock, TX. This is his second go around and last chance for eliminating a lengthy jail sentence. He sounds good, but knows his true challenge will be once he again is out in the real world. I pray to God he finds the strength that only God can provide to sustain him to keep clean at this time in his life, before he has to experience the things you have shared.
Thank you for your courage and your message of hope!
Love in Christ, deb
Well I’m officially in love.
With both my new sister! And the LORD…your words made me fall in love with HIM on again on a whole new level.
You made so many incredible points! And I am floored at the victory. I am so thankful my FATHER and YOUR FATHER is loving on you scandalously.
Actually reading the bit in the beginning…I thought I have someone in my family that has a similiar road. And it reignited a prayer for her…LORD, could it be for her? Thank you for being the gorgeous vessel of redemption you are.
I look so forward to hearing from you on this blog. All the redeemed shards that we are…what a mosaic of GRACE.
Sister Gay, you are in my prayers!
LOVE YOU
Molly
It is a joy to read about the Hope and Restoration that our God brings- thank you for sharing your story with us, I look forward to more entires.
Thank you so much! For sharing your story and your heart. I look forward to your words of wisdom and passion for our Lord.
Gay, I could not love you anymore than I do! I am suprised you did not start out “let’s talk about God!” You have one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever known, and I am so glad to call you my friend!
so powerful and encouraging!
thank you so much for letting us have the privilege of hearing your story, gay!!
i look so forward to your next post.
Gay,
I was able to send your story on to a friend who has a daughter beginning to recover from alcohol addiction. I know it will encourage her to persevere and live day to day for the One who makes our days count.
thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your courage to share your story! I know what
you mean by your best prayer being,”God, please help me!”
I prayed that 15 years ago and my life has never been the
same because God saved me and put the light in me, too!
I am grateful for how God is working, in your life. He
is so faithful! I’m looking forward to hearing the rest
of your story. God bless you!
Gay,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! We love you! We love Beth! We love Jesus! He is the only real DELIVERER and boy, how we all need it!
Praise God for the victory of 1000 days. We just started Beth’s study on James and she talked about you and today I am reading your story. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. May God bless your life and I will be praying for you.
Your life is changed by the blood of the Lamb. Praise God, Praise GOD!
Gay,
Thank you for sharing your story. You’ve reminded me to continue praying for my 64 year old dad who I love and respect so much. He has been an alcoholic for almost 50 years and his battle seems hopeless. Thank you for encouraging me that there is always hope. I will pray for you as well as my dad.