My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
Well said! May Jesus continue to use you! Thanks for your transparency and desire to love others like myself, who have been saved from the pit of alcoholism.
Many blessings to you sister!
Dearest Gay,
Can I just tell you that you have blessed my day/life with your story. Please know that I am a mom of 2 wonderful and addicted daughters, also that I am the daughter of 2 wonderful alcoholic parents. My father deceased at the age of 70 after enjoying 7 years of sobriety. My mother, 84, has blessed us and many others with over 45 years of sobriety. Praise be to God! My oldest daughter, Amy, just celebrated her 5th year of sobriety as an alcoholic. I watched God save her life after a night I will never forget.
My heart is with my daughter, Monica, 32 years old. She is an addict/alcoholic that is on the verge of total resignation to life. I have many times (especially now)cried tears of loss. As much as I want to grab her, bring her home, and “fix” her, I know that God has to take her to the place she needs to be. I believe in restoration as I have seen it in so many folks/family. She is a dynamic woman with beauty that is outward and inward. Her personality lights up a room. The darkness of addiction has however taken over my beautiful Monica. She is currently in Oklahoma City Not functioning.
She did have a couple of years of sobriety, a wonderful marriage (now divorced)to a wonderful man, a business which was successful, and a family life. It is gone now.
My hope is that someone will help her as I know can happen. That I will be able to step aside, and restoration can begin for her and our family.
Another side note is that my husband of 36 years has chosen divorce and moved to Houston.
God has upheld me through everything with His Righteous Right Hand.
I am going to copy your message for my beautiful daughter to read.
She just needs to ask for help and it will come.
Thank you and God bless you as you bless others with your miracle.
Lynne
Much needed HOPE, thanks for sharing Gay!
Gay,
I praise God for your willingness to hear His call to shine like stars. His creation is a mighty and wondrous thing – indescribable! But His RE-CREATION is greater still! I have seen His glory and power in my life and in lives close to me that were recreated and I am so grateful to God that you are sharing HIS story in you. God bless you and give you His Spirit that will provide the Courage and strength to keep shining.
So beautifully expressed and said…. Bless you in his honor and glory!
Gay, thank you for sharing your heart and experiences. i’m looking forward to the rest of your story. What an AWESOME GOD we serve! May God continue to anoint your writing and may your story bring honor and glory to the Name of Jesus!
what an amazing testimony!!! thank you so very much for sharing! I am a recovering addict, and I really needed to read this. I’m taking a big step over the next week, and the enemy is trying to take me down. Every day is a victory. I am so excited for you! I have a battle ahead of me but, this time, I’m not fighting, I gave it to God for Him to fight. It took years, but I finally learned I can’t do anything about it. I tried every single one of man’s ideas on how to recover. Since I have started living my life for Christ, my heart has changed. Everything in my life has changed, and I have courage, only in Christ, only because He lives in me. I thank you again. God bless, I will keep you in my prayers, I just know God has big plans for you, for us, for everyone who has fought this battle, and trusted Christ to deliver them. Our Father will never let us down. I will never be the same, and I don’t want to be.
Gay, your story so touched my heart… I read it the day before I was going to visit my 18 year old niece who is in rehab for drugs and alcohol abuse….She was 30 days sober!! I printed Beth’s and your post and read it to her threw tears. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your story.
OOPS- through tears… not threw.
Gay,
Thank you SO much for your willingness to share with us! I am praising God for your 1000+ days of recovery! You are totally loved and accepted here and I look forward to hearing more of your story. Thank you for being so brave!
Love and prayers,
Missy in SC
Gay, I think you are remarkable! Your life and restoration is a miracle. Thank you for sharing your story with such eloquent, sincere and authentic words. I remember being in Beth’s Sunday School class a few years ago and her asking for prayer for you. It may have been during that period when you were homeless. We prayed. Since then I have thought of you and prayed for you. I love how God has healed you and transformed you. Keep sharing about His grace and goodness and love. You will be a vessel for many to come to know His as Lord and Savior. Blessings to you!
TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!! Standing with you and for you…
Until He comes!
Wanda
Jesus said it was not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. He didn’t come to the religious, but to the sinner. All of us, alcoholics, those who love an alcoholic, liars, gossipers, you name it, NEED HIM. Thank you for sharing your story and I encourage you to continue. What you have to share heals. It heals you and heals others. God Bless you in this endeavor!!
May God continue to bless you. Thank you for being willing to share your story and I am sure that God is going to use you in really big ways.
Oh Gay I love you!! I love hearing your heart’s cry toward our Creator God! Thank you so much for not hording the good and perfect gifts, that only God can give, through your amazing life’s journey. I look forward to hearing, as Paul Harvey would say, “the rest of the story”!! Love, Blessings and Peace sweet sister.
Gay,
Welcome, welcome, welcome! Thank you for trusting us and sharing with us here on the blog!
I have goosebumps thinking about how God will use you and your testimony for His glory like only He can do!
I praise Jesus for your faith and freedom from bondage!
Blessings to you, precious sister-in-Christ!
Thank you Gay for your boldness and your faith in our God. He will bless your story as it goes out to the body of Christ and he will use it to draw us unto himself as only HE can do.
“I am the truth.” Thank you for living that, Gay.
So so glad to read this (I’ve been away on my honeymoon, so I almost missed it!)! As a fellow siesta, sister on Christ & woman in victorious recovery, I just wasted to say thank you for sharing! Blessings! I can’t wait to see all the future installments!
All I can say through the tears is praise God!
Wow!! Looking forward to hearing what God has done in your life, Gay…..My husband also has this struggle…but for the grace of the Mighty Living Goid, we have him back! Thank you for allowing this to be your testimony!!
GOD not Goid!! lol
Having just read the intro, I quickly knew my BFFs needed to read this. We’ve spent several months at church studying Paul – and I have to admit – Gay, I am thrilled that God got ya, girl! But, Beth – the compassion, care and concern, love and affection and tenderheartedness you introduced your sister with is obviously real, and reminded me of Paul and the Thessalonians. I am sure you too have been in constant prayer for your sister and am here to PTL with you that your prayers have been answered and to thank you for allowing us the honor of sharing in this miracle!
Thank you, Gay, for sharing YOUR story.
Tears as I read. Tears that open up sores scabbed over.
God is so Great. Beth shared stories that resonated with me as well. My mouth is shut tight but my heart cries out to Jesus. His arms reaching out, begging me to give in and reach out to Him. God is so Good! I sure pray that you continue to grow in CHrist’s love for you.
We will love you here, we will listen, we will cry sad tears for you and happy tears, too.
Brave, Brave girl.
You, opening up those wounds and reliving your pain on this blog is so brave.
We gotcha girl! You life-story is going to do GREAT things here! God is so so Good.
Bless you, Siesta.
Bless you.
I have been looking for your follow-up almost everday since I read your first post. I, too, am an alcoholic. I got sober for the first time when I was introduced by accident to Breaking Free. I stayed sober for almost 5 years, then due to many rejections and disappointments I relaspsed. That was now also 5 years ago and what a nightmare I have been living. I am a wife and mother of two beautiful girls (Grace and Joy). I am desperate to be sober, free again and a good wife and mother to my them. It has gone downhill quite rapidly. I am 45 and know it is now or never. I have been trying to hide it but they all know now and it is very painful for them. The girls are 8 and 10 and are in fear each time I drink. I look forward to hearing the rest of your story. Please, please write soon. A Chritian, a wife, daughter and mother…but also an alcoholic.
hi. Amy.ask GOD to take away the desire for alchol, and then thank Him everyday, that’s what I did,and thanks be to GOD, I’m sober today. Amen,and He will do the same for you, Gay. Lots of love and Prayers.
Gay, thank you for your transparency and honesty. Others will be saved because you have shared. In 1970, I was a ten year old living in Houston, and my father went into a half way house because he could no longer live with his addiction to alcohol. He started going to AA and I remember the 30 day chips he would bring home after his “meetings”. Just a few days ago he celebrated 42 years of sobriety. By God’s grace, He has not had one drink since he stepped into that old house on Travis street where he attended his first AA meetings. God met him where he was and drew him to Himself. That same year I heard the Gospel for the first time and I came to know the love of Jesus, too! God bless you for letting us experience God’s grace along with you as we read of the work He has done in your life!
Bless you dear one! What an awesome God we serve – He never gives up on us. Thank you for sharing your reality, for being so transparent. I am so blessed that 2 of my close family members have been saved in the rooms of AA – and there have met Jesus. Keep telling your beautiful story – and His story.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Gay! You give hope to many of us in so many ways–for our own lives and for the lives of our loved ones! Blessings on you and the ministry that God obviously has planned for your future. I’m SO excited to see and hear what He does in and through you!
P.S. I’m a native Texas, now living in Central Arkansas–so, that connection with you makes your story even more special to me! So, hold on while I give the Lord a TX/AR shout … Yeehaw! Thank you, Jesus!!!
Gay, I love you, my sister in Christ! Thank you for your precious, open heart. I thank God for your life and your testimony!
Gay, I’m looking forward to hearing the words God has given you to share with us who are in need of hope. Thank you.
What an absolute blessing to hear from you!! I struggle daily with believing in God’s love for me. Thank you for sharing His love for you-it gives me such hope and comfort that He loves me too.
What a powerful God we serve! Thank you for doing what God
wants you to do! Telling your story will open up for someone the floodgates of mercy and grace! You go girl! God’s blessings!
Thanks for sharing.
I am looking forward to hearing more about your journey. Thank you for your bravery in sharing experiences to help others. May God Continue to Bless You.
What a testimony! Gay, you inspire us all, even if alcohol is not our problem, the enemy has a whole arsenal he will use to try & find out what is keeping us from God. Your mom must have been something else, to produce 2 daughters with hearts for God, equipped to spread the healing word!
Praise the Lord and bless you Gay for sharing your story, thank you to Beth as well for sharing her sister with her Siestas! Looking forward to reading more.
Hi Gay. Welcome to Siestaville. I’m late to the party, but working my way through your story. I only get to stop by and “visit” every now and again these days.
First of all I want to thank you, sweet, precious daughter of the King for stepping out in courage and being who you are with us. We’re honored to take in your story with all the flavor that is YOU!
One of my favorite worship leaders said God told him to write songs for his debut album in the “flavor that I (God) made you.” So keep one rocking it while writing in the flavor He made you. I think that you are amazing and brave and I’m so glad you took this leap of faith to join us here at LPM. (((((HUGS!!!))))) Bless you & much love, Sister. Michelle
Gay, your story has brought tears to my eyes. I have struggled with drinking for years to only find that it was to self medicate the hurts and abuse of my past. You and Beth have inspired me to seek that true healing that only GOD can bring. Sometimes satan wants us to keep things held inside when our true healing is in baring ourselves to the world. It looks like GOD has sought you out with a ferocious fire and I pray that he uses you like only he can.
Dearest Gay,
I know what you are saying, I too was alcohol addicted. God met me in a hotel room in 1996. I was alone and I cried out to him in truth, I told Him all about how I loved the. stuff(champagne). He immediately Delivered me!
I did not need a 12 step program.He truly delivered me,I have not taken a drink or a cigarette since 1996.He Jesus is real,His word is real, amd His power is real.Gay I love you for sharing your story because people need to be real and GO TELL OTHERS-GOD BLESS YOU!
Well, sweet Gay, thank you so much for your amazing story. It is refreshingly authentic! Please know that you’ve drenched us in HOPE for ourselves and our loved ones who struggle with addiction. THANK YOU!!!
WOW! I’m in awe of our amazing God!! I see that I am into the 1,400s in the comments but I comment anyway. Because I have family members who are groping in the darkness, in bondage to addiction to pills and other drugs. And this is such an amazing testimony of His grace. I’m overwhelmed by Him. I don’t know that I could adequately express my thanks but THANK YOU! I’m off to read your second installment… Praising Him!!!
WOW!!!! I’ve got tears in my eyes and chills up and down! Talk about the Lord moving through your words! I’m in, I’m ready, and I’m excited to hear the testimony of your life! I see God’s work written ALL over your words and I’m so excited to read on! YOU ARE A GIFT, you have surrendered to Him, and you have a beatiful thing to share! Can’t wait to read more! Thank God for your obedience!
Jennifer
Someone get this lady a book deal! I would buy it in a heartbeat. Gay, God has blessed you with something to SAY and an amazing voice that spills over in your writing, which makes me even more excited to read every word. THANK YOU for sharing it with us!
AMAZING!God is awesome and I couldn’t be happier for you and all of the people who love you. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Thank you, Gay! Thank you, Beth! Thank you! I am crying for joy! YAY God!
Gay, I first want to thank God for bringing you back to us in him. I love you so very much and proud like a mother is a child. I praise God for you and thank you for openning your life up to us. You are such an inspiration to me today as you were the first time I meet you. I could have not gone through what I did without you at that place, so I again say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Luv ya.
Praise be to God for your healing and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit as He drew you back into full recognition of His will for your life…So thrilled for you and Beth and your family!
Precious sister, I am currently separated from my husband who recently relapsed. You helped me so much, reminding me that nothing is too big for our even bigger Father even though things look pretty dismal and unfixable. I’m now remembering to keep my eyes on Him and not on the circumstances. God bless you and good on you
Ditto with the thanks for sharing. I am sure it took courage. I hope we will be a worthy audience for your sharing. I appreciate your story; I work as a chaplain and I see a lot of down and out people trapped in many situations. It can be discouraging but you shared as a real person living a real life offering the same hope you were given. I look forward to hearing your story and pray God protects you as you put yourself out there. Blessings!
Hi Gay,
My name is Alisa and I am an addict. I have been clean for 22 years and I know that God brought me to the rooms of NA for a clear and strong purpose. Jesus can change me even now. He can change the things that I have been doing for decades. Sometimes when Beth writes things they just jump out at me and I can use them and take them as my own.
I am so proud of you. I am so happy that God is using you as a light and tool for those who need an example of what our Jesus Christ can do. Hugs and blessings from me to you. Alisa
You have no idea how badly I needed to read this today. I am struggling very hard to continue to love and hope for my sister who is in the midst of her own addiction struggle. I needed this encouragement today so that I can press on and not shrink back in fighting the enemy on her behalf. Thank you so very, very much.
Thank you!!! I was sober for a little over a year when I moved here eight months ago… I prayed to God on Sunday to give me the strenghth to be strong again. Now, three days sober, I was sitting here thinking about it… And read your story. Wow, what a blessing! Thank you for your strength and story.
Thank you ladies for your willingness to share such intimate parts of your lives! For those of us in any sort of public life ( I am a pastor’s wife ) putting yourself out there, can sometime turn into a “wolf feasting” So grateful you are willing to use the good, bad and ugly to show a world the beauty He brings….
Just on a side note – I am very good friends of both Florence Littauer and her daughter Marita. It is always a joy to hear/see the lasting imprint words sown can and do leave behind. Beth, you are truly a gifted teacher and I use your bible study series often!! Thank you again.