My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
Sweetest Gay: Thank you so much for sharing. What an amazing and glorious testimony of hope and encouragement for all! Our BIG God is so powerful and mighty and nothing is impossible through Him! PRAISE YOU SWEET JESUS.
God Bless you.
I’m so glad that Jesus came for the sick, not the ones who have no need of a physician, or else I surely would be left out. We are all broken in different ways – your story will bring hope to many. I know it’s scary, so thank you for sharing your story, your treasure in a broken vessel.
I am already captivated by your story and I cannot wait to read about what God has done for you and through you!!
Praise God for this! I am so excited to read your story. Today, I slipped off the freedom train and need to get back on. The Lord is already using you to remind me that I don’t have to stay in my pit. His mercies are new. THANK YOU for your vulnerability and willingness to open yourself up so that His will can be done in others lives.
Get back up in the grace of Jesus and plant yourself squarely on that freedom train, Sweet Thing! He loves you so.
Beth – you must be ecstatic and rejoicing with and for Gay. What a day of rejoicing! Our God can do what He says He can do! 🙂 Gay – Amen. I want to say so much more, but Amen just seems to say it best. Hugs to you both. Thank you to you both. I lift my hands and heart to the Lord in thanksgiving for He is able to deliver me, you, us. Amen! To the naysayers, if any, it is God who has delivered you and not a one of them could, would, did, does or can. So, Beth & Gay. Amen! Amen! Amen! Jenn
I had sort of begun to piece all of this together based on generalized commentary in bible study sessions and some blog posts during the past year, maybe more, that indicated a resoration and healing had taken place. (I’m wondering now if a little bit of that, might have even been my prophetic gift kicking in and becoming more keen.)
I knew that when you both felt it was the right time, we would all get the priveledge of meeting Gay; and I’m, in a way, excited that that’s come to pass and that God’s moving in all of us.
I’ve actually found myself thinking about both of you guys during the past year. I have been mentoring someone during the past year who has a history of alcoholism. To say that it’s frustrating sometimes is un understatement; but I’ve discovered that I can’t fix anyone, only God can do that. And I try to remember people I know who have redemption stories like this.
Singing praise! Such a gift to hear your story Gay. Grateful for your obedience and honor to our great God. May he use you in a mighty way for his glory! Alcohol is indeed a stronghold which cripples and paralyzes many – I pray that your story is spread.
Beth, thank you for the introduction. Pray he continue to use your bold heart.
Gay,
May God continue to use your story to glorify HIS name ! We are so proud of you and blessed to know you as well. LOVE YOU. !!
Shane Schlemeyer
God is so amazing!Thank you Gay for your beautiful testimony! Alcoholism is ramped in our family. God is going to use you to help so many lost souls. THank you Beth! Blessings to you and your sisters ministry.
I just finished reading Gay’s story, and I am smiling all over!! What a fantastic testimony of the saving, redeeming power of Jesus’ love!! Thank you for sharing your life with us, Gay!
My brother is a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic too, and my sister and I are waiting patiently for his deliverence. He too has been homeless, scrounging around during the day for cans to sell for his next cheap bottle of misery. God has been with him, rescuing him the numerous times his body neared death. So tell us your story Gay, I already know it will be beautiful. You can trust us!
May God’s Blessing’s flow threw you and to all of his people.I am so blessed to part of your journey thank you sister.
Hello Gay! Thank you for sharing your story with us. God will use you in a mighty way, dear sister!! Praise His name!!
Oh Beth.. thank you for trusting your sweet sister with us…and Gay.. how wonderful to finally “meet” you and not only that but to hear your story in your words. Thank you for being brave enough to share…Praise God for your 1000 days. I cannot wait to hear the rest of your story!! You are so very loved and welcomed to siestaville!!
Martha in MS
Gay, I am so honored that you would share your story with us. I share a few similarities in my story as you and Beth. I was in Pensacola when Beth told us your story as she sat on the stage, tears flowing. There is so much I’d like to say, but I’ll just say praise be to God for his faithfulness. Your story, and some of what I’ve heard from Beth in the past about abuse and addiction reach deep inside me and give me hope. Thanks again for being willing to share.
Typing through tears…
Thank you so much, Beth and Gay. You are both loved, and will remain in our prayers.
Welcome dear Siesta! Thank you for your willingness to be transparent and share your life to the glory of the LORD. I can’t wait to hear more of your story and get to know you better. I wish I could give you a hug around the neck, but we’ll just plan to do that on the other side of that tissue thin veil. (It will be easy to meet up as I already have great plans to be best friends with your sister in Heaven 😉 ). Love to you. Praise Jesus!
Amen and Amen! Thank you God and Thank you Gay! May you feel the overpowering blessings of the Lord for just writing and sharing those words! Can’ wait to see what else He does in your life- how exciting!
Oh, my, Gay! I sit here in tears as I hear you describe your redemption through Jesus! How my heart felt the Holy Spirit jumping off your written words and straight into my heart.
I am a former prescription drug addict. I have never written that. It has been 12 years for me and only my immediate family knew, until now. I pray that God will bless your sweet words with fruit that is so heavy it will fall on us all. Thank you, Gay.
I pray there was a sense of freedom and even dignity in writing those words today, Debbie. Oh, man. Redemption is such a beautiful thing. You, too, are a miracle of God.
Gay, thank you for bestowing upon us the privilege of hearing your story!
P.S. Beth isn’t the only wonderful writer in the family!
God bless your sweet soul for sharing your brokenness and healing so that the broken in us might have hope. I am so deeply moved by your openness and honesty so that we can see the hand of Jesus at work today. Thank you!!
Thank you BOTH for your honesty & transparency! It is exciting to see and know what the Lord has planned through your story…He uses it all! Having grown up with alcoholic parents ( one who now walks with the Lord and the other are still praying for). I KNOW your obedience will be used mightily. He restores the years that the locust have eaten! Thank you again for trusting us enough to tell His story through your story! We love you!
Thank you Gay for being so courageous to share!!! Thank you for your honesty and openness which is a blessing and challenge to us all. Bless you and can’t wait to hear the rest of your story. Congratulations on the 1000 days and looking forward to hearing about many, many thousands of days more….
I grew up coloring in the back of AA/ Alanon & Mercy Street. Just the intro to your story gave me chills.. Speak it boldly, even if you come against resistance.. It is clear God is doing a powerful work in your life, and through your life. What a privilege it is to read your words Gaye. Thank you so much.
So excited to hear more…thanks for sharing!!
Gay, this is the very first word I thought of when I finished reading….BEAUTIFUL. Here are scriptures God took me to just for you: Isaiah 52: 6-8, “How beautiful on the mountians are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, “Your God reigns!””, and Romans 10:14-16, “And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”” Gay, you have beautiful feet! : ) I believe God has sent you to bring good news, just like the verses say. You will be a beautiful instrument of His peace. May the Lord richly bless you for not wasting a single moment of your experiences, for they made you into the inspiration you are today for others, on His behalf. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!
Gay, loved that you said brennan manning was your second favorite author – so cute! 🙂 can’t wait to hear more of your story and pray that God would use your story and testimony of His greatness to minister to many! i just love how God can turn anything into something good! yah for you!!! Praise the Lord for His deliverance and restoration in your life and for your willingness to be an open honest testimony – that’s exactly what we need! Bless you sweet Gay!!! Love in Christ, Kimberly
Dear Precious Gay….
How amazing is His love for us? I love you, Gay….I bless you in the Name of Jesus. What a powerful testimony! I have prayed for you (ask Beth to tell you what she has shared concerning you in one of her studies)
Thank you for sharing….for allowing your life story to impact my life! His grace….still amazes me! Keep on keeping on!
Gay, As the proud wife of a recovering alcoholic who is also using his experience of God’s saving and Amazing Grace to serve others, I applaud you and I thank you. Nothing is wasted! Looking forward to hearing more from you. God bless you!
Gay, So very nice to meet you. You draw me in and Up. You have a beautiful way with words, alliterations and assonance…but way more than that, it’s “Spirit Words”(Matt 14:20) not windy words. It’s a Beautiful God Who holds you tight (Psalm 50:2). So look forward to hearing God’s Story, real and redemptive in you. I like reading Brennan Manning too. God’s Grace upon Grace is all over you. Do you remember this BM quote: “To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.” Brennan Manning. You’re beautiful. My Love & Prayers, Bev
Hi Gay, this is my first time writing a reply on the blog, but I’ve read each blog entry since the blog was born and I must write here to thank you for sharing!!! Can’t wait to hear fom you more! I’m praising the Lord for the hope is bringing through you!!
Let us hear from you more often, Sister! We’d love to have you speak up around here!
It is a pleasure to meet you. I think I remember the first time that Beth spoke about her miracle sister at her “Eat, pray, love” weekend. Your story is such a story of hope as Beth said that day if we don’t believe in miracles that we should give our head a shake and not speak to her because you are a “stinkin miracle” as she said! Your testimony is one that gives me hope and faith for a needed miracle in my family! I can’t wait to read what you have to say! May the Lord bless you beyond your wildest dreams and may He resotre every last second the enemy stole from you and multiply it back in saved wounded souls by the hundred fold! You are awesome!
Dear Gay,
Thank you for sharing your story and letting us hear how God is redeeming your pain. Congratulations on your 1,000 days!!! Glory to God.
Love,
Sarah
Dear Gay, I am honored to meet you sweet sister. You story will surely give hope to my husband’s family. Three out of five of them are alcoholics and have been for many years. I just want to say that I love you, also. I have learned in my first year of being a part of Beth’s blog that love will jump off the screen and bless a person. I know from experience. Grin. (got that from Beth). I love her, too! God Bless You Gay. Love and many prayers, Dawn
Gay…welcome to the Siestaville family….from one of your “sisters” in Canada…you’re words give me hope….
Dearest Gay,
So very honored to meet you! What an amazing redeeming God we have! Praise Him for the hope and life that is in Christ alone! Thank you for showing and telling the mighty acts of our God!
~Joyce
Hi Gay, my name is Janet,and I am a sinner. I struggle daily, and these hands will never bear a stone to throw. There is so much power in the words that can take what Satan meant for our harm,and turn hearts directly to our Creator! I know, I lived it. The devil tried to take my sons life,but MY GOD SAVED HIM from the lies. With every breath that I have I will praise Him. And what was meant for harm, brought us closer to our Savior. His power is Almighty, the Lamb has overcome, It is finished. Never be silenced , your words lead others to His Word, and they are saved.
So powerful, Janet.
Dear Gay,
Your story is very moving. Thank-you for sharing.
GOD had a plan for you all along; and has for all of us if we only listen and hear.GOD BLESS YOU.
Gay,
Thank you for your courage to speak out. To God be the glory great things He has done! I am eager to hear the next chapter as God continues to write all of our stories.
Dear Gay – thank you SO MUCH for sharing. “Then Katie, bar the door” hit me like a lightening bolt. Amen to that kind of freedom and deliverance! I can’t wait to read more of your story! It rightly warmed me up (and at -22 below in these northern parts, that’s saying something).
God bless you, God bless you, God bless you ~
Dear Gay,
May I say I went back and read your testimony because I just wanted to soak in the sweetness of Jesus in it and what so stuck out to me this second time was how lately I’ve felt like I’ve wasted so much time that maybe it’s to late for God to fulfill his purpose for my life..your testimony so encourages me that maybe it’s not. Thank you for that. This made me cry all over again. (Smile)
Gay,
Your words reflect your name – they’re so full of delight in the Lord and that is so encouraging to me! Thank you for trusting us with your story; I can’t wait to hear more!
Dear Gay,
I am sitting here, unable to speak, with chills going down my body and tears in my eyes. Your words touch me in the very innermost part of my heart. I absolutely cannot wait to hear more from you. Your sister, Dixie
Hello. I’ve waited to hear your story. Beth teaches us how great our God truly is so I have expected this day to come. You are loved and the best is yet to come. Thank you for sharing your heart and trusting us with it.
Dear Gay and Beth,
I never write into anything but your story moved me to the uncontrolable sobing that only Gods gratefulness can bring me to and I just had to introduce myself. Thank you for sharing your story. I LOVE hearing Gods redeption miracles. My name is Liz and I am an alcoholic. I will be sober 4 years in 18 days. Its so wonderful to meet a woman who knows the pain of having this horrible disease and loves Jesus Christ. Maybe in Texas its different but up here in the Northwest there aren’t many of us. I too love Brennan Manning. It’s nice to relate. I look forward to hearing more about your story. I will be praying for you. Thank you so much for using your life to bless others.
Praise God for you, Liz!
Dear Gay,
Thank you for your willingness to be open with us about what you have been through and how God saved you. Praise God for the victory you are now living.
Dear Beth,
It grieves me that you or anyone would have to make a plea for fellow believers to be loving and excepting. I know why you did and I know it needed to be said. Just makes me sad is all. I often tell the women in bible study that we Christians are often harder on each other than those in the world. I am so glad siestaville is not like that. I am grateful for this community because of the support, encouragement and acceptance of who we are, right where we are in Christ. I am also so glad that you trust us enough to introduce your sister to us. Thank you.
Don’t let it make you overly sad, Kim, because, even though I knew it needed to be said, I also knew that it would be the very few. Siestaville is one of those wonderful communities that helps restore your faith in the kindness of Christians. That is to God’s glory alone. Help us all, Lord Jesus.
Thank you for caring, Kim B!
Hi Gay, it’s so nice to meet you. I want to thank you so much for sharing your story as it gives me hope. My 16yr old is in a horrible battle with addiction and it is destroying our family. I look forward to reading in the days to come. Much love to you 🙂
Karey – I am praying for your son. I don’t know his name but GOD does!! “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace AS YOU TRUST HIM, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.”Romans 15:13
Love you Siesta!!
Gay, thank you for sharing your story, and thank you for giving me another reason to give praise and glory to God. I praise Him for your story becoming His story. I praise Him for His incredible love and mercy that He poured out on you. I praise Him for His redemptive power in your life. Blessings to you as you walk in His grace and abide in His love.
Gay, we have a great big, wonderful faithful God. Thank you for being willing to share your story — that really is His story through you. We will all be the better for it as we listen for His voice in it and praise Him for His healing…I NEED to hear your story. I need the encouragement it will bring (I am not an alcoholic and do not live with alcoholics — though many in my family or origin were…but alcoholism is not the only kind of stronghold that needs a miracle. The stronghold may be different…the God who heals and delivers is the same).
Praying for you.
Oh, and thank you, Beth for allowing Gay to honor God and encourage us here on your blog. Bless you!!!
Sweet Gay, It is an honor and a privilege!
xo,
Julia
His Story changes our story…God Bless You & THANK YOU for sharing your journey…