My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
Dear Beth & Gay, thank you both so much for your honesty and willingness to share your stories. It is so good to see God’s goodness thro your eyes and to be reminded of His wonderful power and mercy for us all. Cannot wait to read more of Gay’s story. Praying for you now.
Gay, I am purely bawlin’. I can’t wait to hear more. Thank you for opening up. I so need to hear this testimony. I wrestle with food. I completely understand when you say the problem takes a solution only God can provide. Speak on sweet siesta. I sure do love your little sister! She has helped me more than she will ever know.
I am undone to see you here. Beth shared a tad of your story in Pensacola last month. It hits home, Gay, not just in the neighborhood but right into the heart of my home.
Thank you for your obedience and courage. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope! I too have a sister that is in a deep pit with vodka and meth. The past 26 years have been a living hell for her. She has experienced in one shape or form everything that you have shared so far. But we serve the God of the impossible and when I see His work in your life, it gives me hope that he can work in my sister’s life too. Hallelujah! He is Able.
Dearest New Siesta,
Praise the LORD! Who can recount ALL the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord?! We shall!
I agonize every day over one so dear to me, as I know Beth agonized for you before the throne of God all that long season. Thank you for being a living testimony that God is mighty to save. I am memorizing now to help me cling to this-
“In hope (Abraham) believed against hope… No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He has promised.” Romans 4:18a,20-21
May God continue to pour His lavish, life changing mercy over your new life!
Through our brokeness we are brought closer to God. He is our rock. Congratulations to you and your sister. Thanks be to God!
Hi Gay,
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us and giving us all hope. It sounds like you have come a long way, I can’t wait to hear the whole story. I hope it touches all of us.
It is nice to meet you.
Bless you,
Rosie
Gay, we can’t wait to hear your story. Thank you for being transparent and for using your weaknesses to let the light and love of Jesus shine through! No judgment, just love. We love you and encourage your contribution to the body of Christ. 🙂 xo!
I thank you two women for being so transparent. There is a hurting world who needs HOPE. Gay, thank you sweet thing for sharing your story. I hope we can bless you as much as your sharing has and will bless us. God is and will continue to do great things in your life. Please know that we all will be praying for and with you.
Praise God Gay!!! Thank you for sharing your testimony of God’s mercy, grace, and faithfulness – He will strengthen you more and more each day. Love your sister in Christ, Toni
Hear the applause of heaven, Gay, and my own chiming in. Who knows but that your words have been chosen “for such a time as this.”
God’s timing is ALWAYS on time. As Mrs.Beth always says…I wish i could sit across the table at a coffee shop and just talk with you face to face. Last night my church women’s group started Mrs Beth’s James study. My older sister (by 20 months 🙂 and I have been dealing with much in our relationship. I could go on and on but long story short. Both my mom and sister was sitting with me last night as we all agreed to go through this study together. I can’t tell you how BIG this is. I tell you that to encourage you as well as you step out and how genuine and real you are others see where HE had you and where HE is bringing you to be.
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.Matt. 5:16
AND
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:16
So welcome! You are loved at “Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic.”
I look forward to hearing more on how God is conforming you to the image of his Son.
Blessings!
April
Gay, Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with it. I look forward to reading more and seeing what God has done in your life. So glad you joined us!
with love, Amy W from Colorado
Praising and thanking God for you, sweet Gay, for your precious testimony, for the words of HOPE you live out for others to experience, for 1000 days, for your courage. May God continue to use you and Beth in mighty, mighty ways, and may He continue to heal hearts and restore all that the enemy has tried to destroy.
Much love and appreciation for where you’ve been and where He’s taking you!!
Tracy
HI Gay, welcome to this wonderful family of Siestas..I am so thrilled you are a part of this community. As I sit here in my office reading your story I begin to cry because I have a sister who is in the very midst of the atrocious storm you shared about your life as an alcoholic. She has absolutely nothing yet really she has everything…because she has Jesus! Isn’t that true about all of us? She wants to get her life back on track and is ready to go to detox and rehab this Friday. Please pray she will go and that God will intersect her life in a tremendous way as He did yours. Her name is Bridget.
I look forward to all of your posts…I can’t wait to share this with my sister. Thank you so much for allowing us to see the surgery God has accomplished in your precious life!
PTL!!!!!!! Yay Gay!!!! This is awesome!!!!
Wow!!! What a blessing!! Thank you so much for sharing your story, your life with us. Praise to our Great and Wonderful Friend who has brought us out of the pit!! Can’t wait to hear the rest of the story!
Gay,
We have loved you for years (through Beth’s heartfelt prayers for a “dear family member”). So glad to meet you and SO happy for you. Thanks you for sharing your story with us. Your story, as well as Beth’s story of faithful prayer, WILL be used by God.
Pat S.
Lago Vista, TX
Beth, thank you for sharing you sister with us and Gay, thank you so much for sharing part of your story. I cannot wait to hear more. I can relate very closely as I battled and stuggled with an eating disorder that destroyed my life and almost took it away from me in the process. God reached out of heaven and placed a miracle in front of me that helped me through the long journey to recovery. Today I can say that I AM 9 YEARS CLEAN!!!! Yet even as I write these words, there are things in my life that the enemy is using to try to make me fall back into old ways of life. Old ways that were destructive, hurtful, crippling and blinding. I am DETERMINED to NEVER go back there again, but I can ONLY do it through JESUS and His unending love and grace. I have to lean on Him for my strength every day. I have a note card w/Scripture on my desk to help me remember that God will never give me anything that I cannot bear. (1 Cor 10:13) I might not be able to bear it on my own, but He is my rock and my fortress. With Him on my side, I can move mountains! So thank you….it’s refreshing to know I’m not alone. With love…
Dear Gay,
Tears are just running down my face! I can’t even describe how your powerful testimony has affected me. Coming from a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic Daddy (it ended up killing him at 61 years old) and now having the horror of recognizing my own dearest sister (who is 3 years younger than I) is a bona-fide alcoholic, your words are giving me a fresh hope to believe for Cheryl. Would you please breathe a prayer for my sister’s deliverance? Only Jesus can redeem a life. He’s the One and Only One who can lift her up out of that pit, just like He has done for you. But, we need prayer…prayer from someone who knows the truth and can believe for impossibles. I don’t know how, but I do know WHO! God bless you again and again for your willingness and readiness to share your story. Maybe I could convince her to read your story. The worst part of it is she believes she is a “responsible drinker.” NOT! I hope I haven’t made a mistake by using her name on such a sensitive subject, but I am desperate for her deliverance and see her heading on the same path as my beloved Daddy. We need help here. I’m crying out: “To You I call, O LORD my Rock; I believe You will not turn a deaf ear to me. For if You remained silent, I would be like those who stay in the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help for my beloved sister who is my dearest and best…I put my hope in Your WORD and in the intercession of the saints in the light to make a connection for life for my dearest sister Cheryl. In Jesus name, AMEN!” Thank you precious Gay for being transparent and vulnerable for my most pressing need for my sister. Thank you again and again Beth, for allowing your sweet sisters anointing in Christ to do a mystery work. I love you so in the LORD! I can’t wait for more installments!
Your “Siesta” Pam
God bless you again and again! Can’t wait to hear how He wooed and won you! Crazy about a good love story….
What a blessing to meet Beth’s sister! You give me hope for a niece for which I had almost lost hope. Thank you!! I look forward to hearing the rest of your story.
Welcome, Gay! I am so glad to meet you and hear your story. Thank you for sharing with us. May God bless you richly for it.
Beth, thanks for sharing your sweet sister. She is wonderful 🙂
Gay, thanks for sharing your story. I’m so looking forward to hearing how God has been working in your life!
(This is how I picture heaven – all of sitting around (maybe drinking hot tea), sharing our stories about what God has done – makes me so happy!)
Gay, You have to be one of the bravest women I’ve “met”. To put it all out there not knowing how it’ll be received….wow! Rock on with your sobriety my sister in Christ. If we never meet this side of that blessed Place, I can’t wait to meet you in Heaven and hear your whole story of redemption! Won’t it be truly amazing to listen to how Christ saved us all from OURSELVES?? SOOO exciting!!! *hugs!
JESUS IS AWESOME!! Welcome to siestaville! I love you already!!
My heart is jumping up and down with delight as I read this from your sister. All I can say is we serve an Amazing God! Can’t wait to hear more!
Courage and strength you have been given by the Almighty. Gay thank you for your transparency and honesty.
Gay, what an honor and privilege to read your story. Thank you so much for sharing how the Wonderful God Almighty has helped save you! And congratulations for 1,000 days, nights, and weekends of sobriety!!! (Wait! make that 1,001 since it’s 1/17/12! 🙂 I love you, Siesta!
Thank you! And praise YOU Jesus, for being our Redeemer, the One who loves us beyond our wildest imagination! I will soak up every word of your testimony Gay, as I am the mother of a 28 year old alcoholic, who has 60-some days of sobriety right now. I am going to ask her if she would like to read your words. I am going to continue to pray for her until God has every piece of her tightly in His hand and in His care, and until the day I go to be with Him! I have been inside the walls of the AA meetings, and I am so grateful for this safe haven, this most precious place where the broken dare to come and confess, and believe and love and hold each other up as best they can. It’s what the church is called to do, but we often get too busy, and though we may not be alcholics, we listen to the lies and hide our addictions and struggles. Oh that we all had an AA family to be a part of!! I first heard about you in November of 2010 at one of Beth’s conferences. God had already delivered you from the streets, I believe, but just knowing that Beth was able to carry on and be effective in ministry all those years while hurting so badly for you, gave me hope to carry on and be effective for Christ as well. And now to read of your awesome deliverance, and to hear the conviction in your words, the love in your words for Jesus — you are definitely holding out hope to so many!! Be blessed as you continue to live His story!!
Oh sweet dear Gay,
You are beautiful!!! Your story is Amazing!!!! And the love and power of God to save a life is nothing short of ASTOUNDING!!!!!
I am looking completely forward to hearing your story over the weeks and months to come. God has bathed you with a beautiful ability to captivate the reader.
Thank you for sharing ~~. Love and hugs from MO ~~ Dawn – Your Sister in Christ Jesus Our Lord!!!
Dear Gay –
Psalm 118:5-6
New Living Translation (NLT)
5 In [your] distress [you] prayed to the LORD,
and the LORD answered [you] and set [you] free.
6 The LORD is for [you], so [you] will have no fear.
What can mere people do to [you]?
You are loved, Siesta.
Gay,
What an honor and privilege to get to hear your story. Thanks for trusting us enough to share it! I will pray for God to give you the words to share, the strength to relive it and for you to feel the love from your Siestas!
Oh Gay! What a wonderful and wondrous testimony to the LOVE of Jesus! The One and Only who can bring, carry, pull us through to the Light. Your blessings will continue to multiply through the lives of others who will hear the love of God for them via your lips. Keep on telling! Keep on shouting! Love & Prayers as you go.
Gay, Thank you for sharing your amazing life.(Both good and Bad) I do not drink but I am paralized by food. Way over weight and can’t seem to find a door out. Your testimony was such a blessing and a hope to me. I can almost hear you singing at the top of your lungs….. Oh Christ the solid rock I stand all other grounds is sinkin’ sands. I want to sing that song to. God Bless you for being brave enough to share with us.
To God be the Glory! That took such courage and He is so proud of you! Keep talking and writing. We wait to hear more!
Sweet Gay,
What an honor to be able to hear your story! Your words jumped off of the page and into my heart, seriously. I can’t wait to hear how God has transformed your heart and life, day by day – as ONLY He can do!! Welcome to our wonderful, wonderful world. You. Are. Loved.
Peggy
Wow! What an awesome intro~ can’t wait to hear the rest of the story! God Truly turned your TEST~into a~ TESTIMONY!!
I am so into the simplicity of life, and one that can STAND in front and share her story of how GOD turned it around is so awesome!! People tend to make OUR GOD complicated and HE is NOT!! Thank You for sharing and May God Be Honored and Glorified with every word that is written! and it sounds like HE already has been Glorfied with the freedom that HE has given! Blessings for a completed Story.
When I read this Gay, I thought, this story/testimony is the meaning of redemption. I am so thankful to our Lord for his mighty power. And, I know what you mean when you made mention of how he does things for us, we can’t do for ourselves……so true!
Love you both!
What a wonderful testimony. You are in my prayers. I admire you courage.
My father was an alcoholic who lost his life in an automobile accident while drunk. I was 17. This is when I started drinking every chance I got.
Praise God He opened my eyes and through His grace gave me another chance. I haven’t had a drink in 6 years this month when I almost lost everything.
Oh, Gay!!!! Praise God!!! I started reading with Holy Ghost bumps and am now trying to type with mascara laden tears burning my eyes and streaking down my face!!!
I am rejoicing with you!!! Please pray and believe with me for my brother’s recovery. His story is exactly like yours but he is still in defeat. I love him so and my heart hurts for him.
All of my family have given up on him. I told him I will give up on him when Jesus does.
Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me great hope!
God bless you always!!!! Xoxooxo
Welcome, Siesta! We are so glad you are here, Gay, and so glad to hear the mighty work God has done and is continuing to do in your life. I can’t wait to hear more of your story. May God wrap His arms around you as you share with us. May your boldness and honesty bring life and healing to others in His precious Name.
Kristin
Renton, WA
Thank you to you both!!!!
Gay – Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. What a marvelous testimony to the almighty, redeeming power of our God! Beth – Thank you for trusting us with your sister. Her story is definitely a “need to know” one. God bless you both!
Precious Gay, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome! I appreciate your willingness and courage in Jesus to step out in faith. Beauty from ashes. Sending you welcoming(((hugs))) from Virginia.
Thank you for sharing your story. As the tears ran down my face, I thanked God that the enemy did not have the power to keep you in that pit. Our great and mighty God is greater than he that is in the world. Oh, how I praise Him for giving you the wisdom to share your story.
Alcoholism runs very deep in my family and cost the life of my brother this past April. May the words the Spirit of God impresses on your heart to write, help that one who is about to give up.
So thankful to hear that you are “Believing God” and are “Stepping Up” to share your story. I’m encouraged to know you are now “Living Free” and “Living Beyond Yourself.” “Breaking Free” was not easy but, we know His “Mercy Triumphs” every time. After “Seeking a Heart Like His” your heart is now “God’s Dwelling Place.”
Your life is “Anointed, Transformed, and Redeemed”
You have joined the ranks of those I hold in high regards because you are “effective in His world and for His glory and honor alone” and you have “shone the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some.”
oh gay!! we love and rejoice over you and with you!!! im so happy you are sharing your story here. thank you for the work youve done to show his glory thru your life! you are a treasure to him and to us.
Dear Gay: Sweet Siesta! Thankyou for your willingness and bravery for being so open. I can’t imagine the courage it took you to do so but I know where your courage comes from. Anxiously awaiting to hear what the Lord has done in your life. Love you sweet siesta, eventhough I don’t know you. Love that little sister of yours as well! Keep pressing on! 1000 days WHOOT! WHOOT!
Gay, thank you for sharing your story. I am proud of you and will pray for you! God is great!!!
Thanks for sharing the truth that hope still exists for everyone- both of my daughters are running from God and doing their own thing and ignoring their heartbroken parents. I hope one day I can see God picking them up wherever they are and setting them back on His path. In Jesus’ Name.