My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
look forward to hearing your story. thanks for being brave and stepping out for Him!
God bless you, Gay! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I loved reading what you wrote so far. God is indeed a BIG GOD!
Dear Beth and Gay,
Thank you so much for sharing your stories with us, to share the love and hope of Jesus with us! You are right, we all need hope of some kind, and your story is powerful, gripping, and amazing! I am speechless at all the Lord has done to bring you both to this point, and I am humbled by that. May God richly bless you both through your walking with and obedience to him. I know we all will learn a lot from you, too, Gay. Thanks for allowing Beth to introduce you to us!
In His Loving Mercy,
Jen N. from OH
God WILL use this story to change lives! AMEN!
Oh, sweet Gay….
I am smiling as tears find their way out of my eyes! My heart is beating so fast and I want to shout THANK YOU JESUS for what you have done is this beautiful woman’s life….the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I understand ugly too. There is not much ugly that I don’t understand….simply because I lived so much ugly before I found Jesus.
You are already deeply loved here and we will embrace you deeply on this blog. I will cry with and celebrate over you!!!
I am so so proud of you, thankful to Beth, and asking God now to deeply bless all that you do in order to bring hope and healing to others.
Keep after Him!!!! He is absolutely stunning in you….I see Him clearly!
Big, big hugs from TN,
Fran
Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
I couldn’t help but think of a recent message by Louie Giglio (Passion2012) when I read your words “What happened: God intersected into my life…” Luke 7 talks about how Jesus intersected a funeral procession, brought a young man back to life, and the news of Jesus spread. Share your death to life, darkness to light story dear Gay!! You are safe here. For his good news and great glory!!
So honored to meet you, Gay, my sister in Christ. The details of our broken paths may be different, but God can use it all to bring Him glory.
I’m so interested to read your story! My MIL is an alcoholic who stopped drinking 6 years ago with a relapse and then again stopped drinking. She knows about the Lord, but I don’t think she really knows Him, and I hope to be able to pass your story along to encourage her!
J E S U S!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE JESUS! His grace is OVER THE TOP! THANK YOU FOR SHARING WITH US GAY! No pit is too deep. NO PIT. Never. No Not EVER! God bless your ministry dear Siesta! We LOVE you!
Dearest Siesta Kim – the anointing and fervency of your unabashed praise has rekindled hope and a fire in me for my precious sisters deliverance, as mystery is at work here through Gays powerful testimony of deliverance. You are a powerful prophetic intercessor in His grace! Stir up that gift within you…for His glory alone. “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners; To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, to grant those who mourn in Zion, giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-2
God bless you in your most holy faith!
Thank you Beth and Gay. Your transparency is a blessing.
Congratulations on 1,000 days, it is a huge accomplishment. Praise God for saving you.
Gay, I’m looking forward to hearing the rest of His story through you! God is so good! His mercies are new everyday!
Oh, Gay! I don’t even know what to say. I’ve never commented on this blog before – or many others for that matter! But I just felt compelled to say something – anything – although now I’m at a loss for what to say exactly. Not sure which words to use to express how much your story moved me. Simply: thank you. Thank you so much for sharing. As Melissa said, I’m on the edge of my seat…awaiting the next chapter of your story with great anticipation…
Gay,
I can’t wait to hear your story, in your own words. I know I always have much to learn from other sisters. We may struggle with different issues, but we are all desperately in need of a loving father and redeemer. Congratulations on your 1,000 days of sobriety!!! Glory to God who makes us all whole!
We love you, Gay. We have heard Beth talk about you. Loved the Christmas pictures and LOVE most of all that you are in them. Will you be at the celebration this week-end????? I can’t think of any better example than you and your story to show what the word of God does. As Travis sings—THE WORD OF GOD HAS SPOKEN WE ARE HEALED.
Thank you for your words today – I look forward to reading your story as it is written and published. God Bless you – thank you for sharing – you sound like an amazing women and it will be a privilege to get to know you better on this sight and see God work in your life. Your words of Isaiah were a good reminder for me personally today.
Thank you
Gay, what a powerful story! Thank you so much for sharing here and being vulnerable and transparent enough to share of God’s powerful redemption in your life. No doubt He will get the glory. Praying much fruit comes from your words. Your story. I cannot wait to keep reading! Much love to you.
Off the hook testimony! Yes, Jesus, get your glory!!
Absolutely, heart-breakingly, beautiful! To God be the glory. Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing.
My favorite part: when your story became His story!! I can’t wait to read the rest. Thank you for being willing to open the doors wide open for all of us to see … to HIS glory!!
Thank you for being willing to share your story!
Wow. I am so excited to see how God had worked and IS working in your life. You are such a blessing already with just this first installment of your story. Your authenticity is absolutely beautiful and refreshing. God bless you Gay!
You go girl! I am so proud of you and excited to hear your story. God’s grace deliverd my husband from alchohol addiction about 9 years ago and he has remained sober ever since. Love it love it and love you for your boldness and courage to step up and tell your story. I believe somebody will be set free from their bondage after hearing it. Go mighty warrior of God!!!
Glad to meet you Gay! I am eager to hear your story. I love love love stories of redemption. They are such a good reminder to me of the amazing grace of our God.
Congrats on 1000 days, Gay! Like many others, I am eagerly anticipating reading the rest of your/His story!
Thank you for being willing to share His story of your life. You are beautiful to us!
I believe that to truly grasp the value of God’s grace (as any of us can possibly grasp it), you need to experience the touch of his healing hand as he lifts you from the bowels of Hell. I praise God for your experience to give you such an opportunity. From this day forward you will be lifted up by one who was plucked from Hell, too.
May God continue to give you strength and grace to continue on HIS journey! I am excited to hear the rest of your story and with that begin to have hope for those God has brought into my life and myself as well. Thank you for your wililingness to be vulnerable! God Bless!
this is as beautiful and hopeful as sunrise.
Thank you! I will be praying for you and thanking God for your courage!
So proud of you!
Skizzie, this is my Johnnie. I just thought you’d want to know. She has loved you a mighty long time.
Hi Johnnie! It was a loooong time comin’, huh? I love you with all my heart, my little sister’s BFF. Keep me in your prayers. I need them!
Loved you are.
Dearest Gay,
What a privilege and honor it is to “meet” you and to hear you tell your story. I am humbled by your honesty. Thank you so much for allowing us to hear you and take care of that most important testimony. You are so welcome here! I pray you can feel the love and respect I have for you. I’ll be so delighted to read your upcoming posts.
When I recite this Bible verse at our SSMT event this weekend, you will come to my mind. (I’ve written your name just now in my spiral).
“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”
Psalm 116:7
Blessings,
Shelly, your Siesta
Thank you very much for sharing such an intimate part of your lives. I had the privelege of hearing Miss Beth share a portion of your stories in Pensacola, Fl last month. I wept along with thousands of others as we rejoice in the Lords mercy, kindness, and loving kindness shown in your lives. The two of you are such a blessing. Thank you opening your hearts to us. We love you…
Gay, what an awesome story, hi my name is Angel and I am an alcoholic. You are not alone and prayerfully others will be inspired by your story to seek the deliverance and freedom from this addiction that only God can provide. Here is part of my journey, I have somewhat kept an electronic journal of my continuing transformation. I would love to share more of my story with you and I am looking forward to reading more about your journey along the way!
Praising God that He can use anyone, your Sister in Christ,
Angel Alt
I Believe Our God can get Me Higher
I believe our God can get me higher than any chemical drug or alcoholic beverage on this planet. Our God has shown me how to get intoxicated in Him through the Holy Spirit. God has transformed my addictions and cravings for drugs and alcohol into a loving relationship with Him. God is the only true substance I crave and He is enough to lift me higher.
I can remember when I was 13 years old, in the dark outside standing in this circle of friends and they are showing me how to get high. As the joint (marijuana cigarette) gets passed around each one shows me how to take the biggest toke (puff). Each one of my friends teaching me how to inhale as much smoke from it as possible and hold it inside of my lungs for as long as I can. The longer I can leave that smoke in my lungs the more the toxins from it can get into my blood stream to alter my state of mind chemically to induce a chemical high. To heighten that high I have to add other substances to the mix in the form of alcohol and nicotine from cigarettes to give me what is called a buzz.
I enjoyed smoking pot and getting high until I was 18 and one night at a party the last thing I remember being passed around had more than just marijuana in it. I could instantly feel my heart beating in my throat like it was going to explode. I found a bed and went and lay down and tried to calm myself down because my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my body. That is the first time I remember praying, I told God if He would let me live I would never smoke dope again. After I said that prayer I can remember finding my way to the bathroom and I began to vomit my guts out. I felt and looked like death after being sick, but my heart was no longer beating to the point of exploding. God answered my prayer and saved my life that night.
Through the years I tried to keep my promise to God. But I did smoke pot one other time, when I was around 25. I still carry that guilt to this day because I did not keep my end of the promise to God. Although I only slipped that one time my life was far from living in the will of God. Of course when I gave up my dope I just consumed more alcohol to alter myself into a buzzed state of mind. Even when I was not with God, He has always been with me. Five days after confessing Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior God allowed me through Him to be my only substance of getting high. Through this entire process God has taken the worst parts of my life and shown me how with Him I can stay on a constant high.
God has shown me how to inhale the truth of His word that has been written from His breath to fill myself with His hope, faith, love, peace, and promises. Through Him my every need will be fulfilled, not a temporary high with side effects. I believe God can constantly provide a faithful high in our commitment to each other. Every minute of the day I can ask God to give me my fix, to fill me with the Holy Spirit until I am running over. God will make me high and all He asks from me is to place Him first above everything else and to be obedient to His will. I believe God has truly shown me He is all the substance I need, and He continually makes me feel high and lifts me higher. Through my faith in Christ He will dwell, settle down, abide, and make my heart His permanent home. He will flood me with Himself and with His power that is at work within me. With Christ I am able to do superabundantly, far above and over all that I ask or dare to think. I believe our God can get me higher and with my strong faith in Christ I can continue to go higher. God is the true substance of my prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, and dreams. I will give Him the glory for taking me higher forever and ever. Amen.
Sober from the dependency of alcohol 526 days and counting!!!!
Congrats on your soberity!
Gay, it is a blessing to meet you (Thanks Beth!) I already love you, and can’t wait until the next installment! Until then, I’ll be praying for you and for those whose lives you will touch. God Bless You.
Welcome, my sister in Christ! I have been there done that as they say, not with drinking, but the loss of a child. My God is an awesome God,and you have given Him glory through your words. Thank you for sharing, and praise Him for bringing you here.
That was amazing! I am looking forward to hearing more about your story and God’s powerful means of bringing all of us back to Him regardless of how far we ventured away from Him!
To God Be The Glory!
Great job Gay!! I can’t wait to read more of your story. I know that your testimony will help and encourage so many on freedom’s trail!! God Bless You.
Thank you, Gay, for your courage in sharing your story…His story. God is able. You are proof. May He infuse hope to many through your testimony of His power & provision.
Welcome!
Thank you for sharing your story.
Gay, you are a trophy of God’s grace.
Bless you both, Beth & Gay. Such courage it takes to stand before the world and lay it all out there. Oh, it most certainly will be for His glory! May this huge step in your life, Gay, catapult you into the next stage of your life where you can live with even more freedom and securely in the hands of the One who is capable and worthy. Thank you for sharing, can’t wait to hear more of your story.
I can’t wait to read more of your story. I’m a 20 year old alcoholic/addict and just recently got into AA and drug counseling 6 months ago. I’ve had to pick up white chip after white chip the last few months, and have started to lose hope that I will ever get better. It’s been so up and down for me, but just after hearing the very beginning of your story, I already feel a little bit of hope for me. Thank you for that, and I look forward to hearing more!
Caroline, I will be praying for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I know God is strong enough to carry you through even the hardest days.
me too Caroline, I’ll be praying Philippians 4:13 over you: You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength! you are loved here!!!
Praying for you! Check out a Celebrate Recovery in your area as well as attending your AA groups. God used CR to help change me!
Caroline,
Your name is being written in my prayer journal right now. There is HOPE in Christ Jesus! By His power and strength no battle is too great. I am believing God for a victory until you are strong enough to believe it for yourself!
Sending you love and hugs!
God is so good, and he does good. What awesome God we serve. I cant wait to hear the rest of your story…His story!!
Gay,
I want to wrap my arms around you and say PTL!!!!! You are a very courageous and obedient woman. Congrats on 1000 days. No I don’t struggle with alcohol, mine is with food. I can’t wait to “hear” the rest of the story and see what I may learn thru you. Hang in there Siesta, good days have come and more are coming thru His love and grace.
Tawni
Gay, this is a day to be remembered and a day to be cherished! I could not stop crying over a sheer since of pride for our mighty redeeming Father! SHARE YOUR STORY! Be proud of your recovery, because I know HE is! May the Lord keep you as you seek His platform and search for His words. And may the peace of God which is unexplainable carry you through this journey with a force that takes your breath!
Beth and Gay,
I’ve been visiting this blog for about four years, but only recently started to comment here – it seems the right place to say that what I love about this blog is not only the honesty (with all its messiness at times – which helps me realise I’m normal), but also how my eyes are always turned to Jesus when I visit.
Thank you all.
Praise His great Name, Susan! That is all we could ask for on this earth. JESUS, BE LIFTED HIGHER AND HIGHER HERE.
Susan ~ you said it so well! That is exactly how I feel too …. messiness and Jesus!!! 🙂
Welcome Gay! It is a beautiful privilege to hear your story… to hear the the great things God is doing … to hear redemption’s call. Thank you Beth for sharing your precious sister with us!
Oh Beth !!! Thank you so much for introducing me to your sister Gay! She has taken my breath away! Please let me speak directly to her for a moment….. Gay — THANK YOU for being so obedient to our Lord in writing your story for others to read! You’ve got GRIT girl! Your story has touched my heart deeply and I can hardly wait to hear more! I pray God will continue to bless you as you live for Him!
Blessings on both you Sisters!!
Marilyn…in Mississippi
Oh, Gay, I am so excited to hear your story as I LOVE stories of restoration that only come from our God! I am going to share this link as I believe my own sister will be so blessed as you open your heart for the privilege of us hearing your story. I will be praying for you!
Wonderful to meet you, sister!! God is amazing. Thank you for sharing!