My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
Thank you Beth and Gay for this opportunity. I am blessed to be a partaker of your stories, and to see how He weaves each detail for His glory!
My heart is soaring with excitement to see what God will do in the lives of those who enjoy this blog community we affectionally call Siestaville! Ü
you go girlfriend and bring the shred of light HE shines out from you.
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow.
You sister, have been HIS blessing to me today.
I have for years and will continue to support you in prayer
love you,
Kerry from Wyoming
WOW! amazing story, amazing GOD, amazing love!! i needed to read this message today, as my 27-year old nephew of whom i love passionately, has just gone into rehab for the second time for prescription drug addiction…he needs JESUS, the One and Only healer of all!! thank you for sharing!
Oh girls…I’m almost beside myself. Gay, I don’t know what God is doing, but girl I’m telling you he’s doing something! I’ve got a story to share with you, too. I wrote this post on my blog last week…after my brother passed away, and I didn’t post it anywhere else, as I normally would; just on my blog…God, had some other ideas, though. 🙂
http://homeschoolinglifeasweknowit.blogspot.com/
One of my girlfriends posted my blog post on HER FB page…and then God did the most amazing thing…he had many, many, many others share that post on THEIR FB pages. People I don’t know, and have never met in any capacity, have been sending me emails. I’m almost overwhelmed! One man on the other side of my state emailed me that he’d found his way to my blog post via another FB page, and he runs a very large Christian rehab. Pastors have emailed me, friends have emailed me, strangers have emailed me with their stories, but most importantly, a lady emailed me THIS after reading my blog post that someone else had sent her…
Kristi, I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I just read your blog about Ken and I just had to tell you… My girls play in a band with Thomas Mossburg. We were at Brookview Nursing Home in Gaffney playing Christmas songs for the residents & a man in a wheelchair had a nurse push him over to Earl & me & he started talking to us. He told us he was from Chesnee. We told him that we were from Chesnee too so he kept talking. This was on Dec. 16th & I’m not sure how it was brought up but, he told us that he had just gotten saved the day before & Earl told him how important it was to be saved & live for the Lord. He said it sure is(with a big smile on his face) & then he teared up. He told us how he hadn’t lived right. But, that he was saved & how good it felt. It took me reading what you wrote about your brother to realize that the man we were talking to was your brother. I thought this might be some comfort to you and your family.
Susie
HOW AWESOME IS OUR GOD?! I have never seen my brother healthy and whole. Not once…EVER. But, I’ll see him one day, ladies!!!!! When I received Susie’s email, I thought my heart might burst! I’m so very thankful for your post, Gay!! Thank you, THANK YOU for being obedient! I’m so thankful that Beth is able to share this time with you…and I’m so thankful that I’ll get to throw myself into my big brother’s arms one day and we can worship our Lord together. I can’t even imagine it…but, I’m sure going to be looking forward to it! HE is so faithful!
As a side note: As you can see, Susie says that she spoke to Ken, my brother, on the 16th and he’d been saved just the day before. That was his natural BIRTHDAY!!! He turned 56 that day. He was born on the 15th…and then he was BORN AGAIN on the very same day. I’m amazed…simply awestruck at how gracious and good God is to us. I adore Him.
I love you guys and just wanted to share this with you, Kristi
Kristi…
I love love LOVE this! So amazing…it gives me hope. Thank you, sweet girl!
Wow. I’m in awe of our sweet Lord. Thank you so much for sharing this story!
Mouth gaping. Heart pounding. Praising the Lord for both Gay’s victory and HUGE answer to prayer that has been heavy on Beth’s heart for so long. Bask in it my dear friend!
Praise to our Lord and Savior for His grace and mercy you have chosen to receive precious Gay. Thank you for sharing your story. I have been encouraged by your testimony.
Dear Sister in Christ
I thank you for your bravery; your testimony cames to me at a time when I truly needed Hope! I am in the middle of my own assent from the pit. I am 21 years old and I have struggled with addiction for the last 10 years, but like you I have seen the light and God is working in my life. I thank you for the hope in your story; it helps me to find hope in my own life and to keep persevering in my strong hold! I will be praying for you as I hope you will be praying for me. Thank you dear sister!
Dear Sister in Christ, What a very wonderful honest testimony you have shared. We can only say God bless you as you tell us things that will help us over come the hard things in our own lives. This was so overwhelmingly wonderful. That your life in Jesus is bringing Beth new life also. I could go on but my heart is too full. I love you both and will keep praying, praising God for you, that your life will bring others to Him.
In Christ Alone we live!
Gay thank you for your words they give me hope I have been bulimic for 29 years I’m praying for deliverance I was raised with alcoholic parents but I turned to food
Can’t wait to hear more of what God has done in your life
Thanks
Dearest Gay,
Thanks so much for your open heart and for sharing your story and your hope. Yes you’re right, we ALL need hope! Hope is our blueprint for life and we need to see what that looks like, study it and trust God for it.
Welcome to our town…..Siestaville!
God Bless you and thanks again!
Gay, thank you for sharing this portion of your story with us. I pray that it will touch the hearts of those who are going through something similar and haven’t had the courage to reach out to our great God and Deliver. He is truly able to deliver us from anything if we only reach out for His healing touch. May God bless you in your ministry.
Joyce
1000 days??!!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! ROCK ON Jesus and YOU! What a team you make! I don’t even know you and I’m jumping in my seat! LOVE IT! Can’t wait to read more – THANK YOU for your openness. May God bless you for it and use your story to redeem others. AMEN!
Sweet Gay,
I remember Beth sharing some of your good news at the Kentucky LPM in August of 2010. I am so proud of you! 1000 days is indeed a miracle in a mighty way!! I have tears of joy for you. I had a functioning( that progressed to a non functioning) alcoholic father my entire life. He died with his 8 year AA pin in 2005. So much heartache. I am just a few years younger than you. I am certain I will gleam much insight from your side of the story.
I am so glad you are sharing your heart. All for the glory of our heavenly Father.
Much love and respect,
Rene
Welcome Gay!! You’ll be well cared for here. I suspect, after reading this post, that you’ll be doing your fair share of ministering. You have a beautiful voice, and so much to share of God’s grace. I’m already hooked!
Nice to meet you Gay! Thank you for opening up to us and letting us hear about your life. I’ve often felt God wanting me to tell of things in my life He has delivered me from. Then I get scared and think if He does I will know when and where. Maybe he is just building me up for that very moment when I can too share with others. Your story does inspire me to have more courage to reach out to our lost world. God can and does heal us all when we let Him. THANK YOU!!
Dearest Gay,
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your testimony. Being in recovery myself, and watching those who have come before me, is a precious, God-given blessing.
Thank you, Gay. I look foward to learning more from you.
I am so looking forward to hearing more, tears already…so please keep sharing.
Praise God!
God is good – ALL the time!! What a wonder outcome to a ‘mess.’ Wished I could say the same of our daughter. Her story is EXACTLY the same but she has not gotten to the place of wanting to stop or asking Jesus into her life. She has lost it all, just like you. She will not ask for help from God or anyone. She doesn’t think she needs it and can do it on her own. Sooo, I applaud you my sister in Christ. Only with the help of God have you developed into the beautiful woman you are. Praise His Holy Name! Welcome aboard.
….And they shall be called Oaks of Righteousness, a planting of the Lord, for the display of His splendor. 🙂 🙂 Isaiah 61. I pray for you and your sweet heart as you step out, strong and courageous.
Beautifully spoken! Praise the Lord for your 1000 days. I know you will lead many people to bask in His Crazy Love through your testimony!!
Bless you, Gay.
wow, what an amazing testimony and we have only heard just a small part. Thank you for being willing and open to the Lords leading to share your story. It already gives me hope that family I am praying for can make the change no matter how many years they have struggled and continue to struggle. there is hope in the Lord. Again thank you for sharing I needed to hear this as a reminder that we serve such a BIG God who can do anything, even things we think are impossible they are possible if we believe and have faith. God bless you greatly each day, each moment as you trust in Him.
Gay, You have helped me to remember not to forget what The Lord has Redeemed me from, and helped me to remember that because of Jesus’ death for my sins, that I don’t have to be ashamed. Thank you!! All of my love!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I’m hoping to pass this along to my cousin who is, perhaps unknowingly, an alcoholic. She so desperately needs Jesus.
May God bless you as you minister to others. I’m sorry you went through all you have, but am so glad you are recovering and willing to share your testimony. You are very brave and I appreciate you.
Praise GOD, from Whom ALL blessings flow! I cannot wait to hear more of your story, Gay. My eyes are already overflowing; He is SUCH a merciful, GOOD God! One thousand days and COUNTING, dear Siesta! 🙂 Thank you for sharing the word of YOUR testimony!
Wow! Thank you for sharing how God has worked in your life and praise be to God for how HE is using you to impact others. Thank you Beth for sharing your sweet sister with us.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face. God is so amazing. Gay and Beth you are both so brave to reveal your journeys to those who need to hear it. Gay, every moment you are sober, sing his praises loud and strong, sister. Anyone who has walked through or with someone who is in the full grip of addiction knows how amazing it really is for you to be here speaking in a clear voice about all the Lord has done for you.
I prayed every day for that victory to happen for my brother. His addiction won, he lost his battle 3 years ago, he was only 48, but had been fighting for 30 years.
I pray for peace for your past and victory for your future.
God Bless you every day of your journey, Miss Gay… One Day at at Time.
and now there are tears streaming down my face…maybe I don’t have an addiction to alcohol…but an addiction is an addiction…and today I needed to be remnded that there is hope and that our God loves me unconditionally…thank my preciou Gay…can’t wait to hear the rest of your story….you have already touched my heart..
Welcome Gay! This is so exciting! I know you will be a blessing to so many.
First,THANK YOU BETH, for sharing your sister and her story with us! How could we not all love and adore her, for we love and adore you! I was at the Living Proof Live event in Lexington this past year (Eat, Love and Pray) when you spoke first of your sister, Gay. Thank you for introducing her story to us!
Second, THANK YOU Gay–for sharing your life, your testimony and your redemptive story. I, too, am in recovery and have almost 6 years in my program! I totally understand the depths of depravity addiction can lead on to, and what it feels like to live life in a pit. But THANK GOD, we have a God who delivers, and comes and chases us down–ready and willing to forgive, redeem and restore. So, my sister in Christ, you have much to offer and Im ready and willing to learn from you. May God richely bless your life and journey.
Grace and Peach to you,
Kim
Gay you are a blessing!! Thank you for sharing your and His story!! It gives me hope for a relative involved in homosexuality. Our God is faithful!! I thanked the Lord for you today!!
I love you my sweet sister in Christ! Continue to proclaim what the Lord has done! Glory to His Name!
Praise God! Oh, how He is Glorified!!! So so thankful to Him for you and your story.
So happy to meet you.
So very proud of you for stepping out.
So very very greatful for what God is doing in your life.
Welcome to my family– my new sister in Christ.
~ Kassie
Thank you for your willingness to share. To God be the Glory!
Beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness ..and indeed you are now a tree of righteousness planted by the Lord and He is glorified! Thank you, Gay, for sharing.
Dear Beth, When I started reading this I thought you might have been reunited with a sister who had been put up for adoption before you knew her. But reading Gay’s story I realized you are being reunited with your sister who has been reborn and adopted into God’s family whole once again. What a joy to meet you Gay. May you continue to be blessed and loved by our father and all of your brothers and sisters in Christ. Yours will be a hard story to tell and to hear but it will heal many.
WOW! I am crying. Gay, you inspire me and give me hope, and I don’t drink. Thank you for sharing. Can’t wait for more.
Gay, you precious, beloved saint of God! I thank God for you!! For your boldness, humility, transparency and love. You loved and embraced us (and God) more than the fear of man or reputation by stepping out with your redemption story. I was a drunk for 18 years unable to free myself from the merciless grip of alcoholism until one day I lay face down on the tile floor begging God for mercy…deliverance. In an instant God freed me and I rose off that floor to a new life. I am sober 11 years, 9 months. I pray your bold testimony will give me the courage to speak up and out as well. For now, I am gripping my arm chair with anticipation, anxious to read your full story. Giant hugs!
Oh, Diane! You have a powerful story yourself!!!! I praise God for chasing you down.
Thank you, Beth! After God miraculously delivered me, He called me for His work — teaching and speaking of all things! The very thing that frightens me to the core. So I ran. But God runs faster. I hid for a long time, staying as quiet and still as possible. But God is patient. And now look…in one blog comment God has “out-ed” me! LOL!! Something happened to me when I read Gay’s story. It put a spotlight on my fear and chased it away. Your sister is giving me (and I am sure many others) the courage to run no longer. I am ready now to do His bidding. Forgive me, Lord — and pray for me, Beth!!
Gay, praying for you over the next weeks as you share your story. What an amazing testimony you have and I cannot wait to get to “know” you better. May God continue to bless you through this journey:)
Beth, thank you so much for sharing your sister and her story with us. Praying for you and your ministry. Thank you for giving her a platform to share her testimony.
I am thrilled to meet you, Ms. Gay. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story with us. I look forward to hearing more about how Jesus has redeemed your life.
I love you dearly already!
Gay,
Bless you! For you have already given hope to me for someone as close as close can be. Glory to God for your 1000 days!
And I know Beth you are beyond proud!
Oh, sweet ladies. Beth, as a sister, I can’t imagine how nerve-wracking it was to introduce your sister to our Siesta world. Thank you so much for trusting us.
Gay, what an honor it is to meet you!! I have prayed for you for years, and am just finding out today who I have been praying for! PRAISE GOD for 1000 days and going! I am SO proud of you, dear sister!!! WAY TO GO!!! Thank you for having the guts to share your journey with thousands of strangers. You are absolutely loved.
Gay, I weep tears of joy for you. My father’s life work was running Rescue Missions. I grew up watching God perform miracles in people’s lives. It NEVER, NEVER grows old, the story of amazing grace. You are brave and courageous as you share your story. May God richly bless you and continue to transform you more and more into His glorious likeness!
Gay! Thank you! Thank you for allowing God to use you to minister to me. Your 1000 days are amazing and you, sweet one, are equally amazing! Your words reached my heart. You showed me that in Christ, I CAN do anything NO MATTER how hard is seems at that moment!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your story touches me and I look forward to getting to know you as you share more.
Thank you for sharing…I can’t stop crying. I lost my brother 5/13/11 because of alcoholism, and I am dealing with another close relative who I daily watching fade into illness & loss because of alcoholism. At first I was compassionate, but now…well, it’s just not pretty. My heart was truly touched…I am moved to hope again because of your story. Thank you so much for sharing. I’ll continue to pray for your journey.
“They overcame by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony”…THANK YOU for being courageous and sharing yours with us! May God bless you richly as you step forward in obedience to the one Who has transformed your life!
God bless your sweet sweet soul Gay!! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I look forward to each and every installment. Your sister in Christ, Debbie
Thank you dear Gay,
Your testimony means everything to me. Alcoholism runs big in my family and my son’s testimony sounds exactly like yours, except he doesn’t have the recovering part. He is still drinking but he does know the Lord. He says he has begged God to hep him, but has also said he likes to drink and he’s not going to stop. I know I will see him in heaven one day, but oh how I’ve missed a relationship with him. He started much like you — around 17, went into Marines and became a full fledged alcoholic. Many years later he is still in the clutches of this terrible disease. Lost the only two girls he ever loved because of it, has never been married and has no family and he always loved children. Children have always loved him. Anyway, I still pray for him and believe that he will be redeemed when he believes himself to be redeemable or maybe when he is ready — only God knows the how and why. Thank you again and I know you are being used mightly for our precious Lord.