My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
Darling Gay. I rejoice with God over the new life He has given you. Thank you for sharing. It does my heart good.
Today I visited the cemetery where my mother and sister were laid to rest. Both of them were alcoholics that died as a direct result of their addiction. Devastating.
So it is with extra special joy that I read your testimony. My life is nothing short of a miracle too. Praise be to our faithful God!
What incredible passion! I so look forward to hearing you tell your story of how GREAT our God is. Thank you so much for sharing.
What a miracle working God we love and serve. You are a trophy of His grace. I too, have found great grace and favor in my family. My son celebrated his 5 years of sobriety from a heroin addiction on November 16, 2011. God has restored his mind, soul and heart and spirit. Last August, he had a full circle moment and is now studying in his chosen field in college and married a woman of God. We have seen his life restored and know it is only by the grace of God. Press in dear sister. Press on and know that you are in the palm of the hand of the creator of the universe. P.S. I will be there this weekend in Houston, maybe I can give you a hug.
Dear Pam,
Thanks for sharing about your son! I am praying my son is on his way back to full restoration too! I see him at the top of the u-turn! Thanks for giving me Hope that he will have his full circle moment soon!! 🙂
Thank you! 😀
This brings up so many emotions in me, that the appropriate words elude me…
Your courage is inspiring.
God has impressed it upon me many times to get my testimony written (and sent in to Beth, since Breaking Free was a key crowbar in knocking me loose) and i now see why.
Even if it’s not ‘our’ story it still encourages us all, touches our hearts, brings the tears to the surface, and reaffirms to us the demand for us to continuously thank our Father for His mercy and love.
I can’t wait to hear the rest of your story. 🙂
Thank you! Thank you! A thousand times, thank you! I have not had the courage to make my first visit to Al-Anon because of someone close to me who is an addict. There have been so many days when I just couldn’t believe that person can or will ever be delivered and free. I was praying about it today. And then I read this. Bless you, Jesus! Thank you for sharing your story, Gay, and we look forward to hearing more and believing more that Jesus can do it for someone we love! Thank you, Beth, for sharing your sister with us, and we will love her, pray for her, and learn from her.
Dear Lizzie,
I just want to encourage you. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting a few weeks ago. It was like a weight was lifted off of me! It was very good for me to see I am not alone! There are so many people dealing with addicts in their life and to really turn it over to God is very refreshing! He can handle it WAY better than I can! Also I have really prayed more and God just lets me know He’s got this!! So I will just let Him!! 🙂
Dearest Gay – thank you so much for so courageously sharing your story. We have know the same miracle of deliverance in our family and praise the amazing God for whom nothing is too difficult. You encourage and bless beyond anything you can imagine.
What an awesome story full of hope! Thank you, Gay, for openly sharing your heart and your healing!! Can’t wait to read more!! God bless and keep you! No doubt God will use your story for his glory!
Dearest Gay,
Thank you so much for your story. It’s really all of ours, especially mine. Being alcohol free for 4 years is a beautiful thing. I was a ‘functional’ alcoholic working in a church!! But God, so rich in mercy . . .
Blessings and hugs,
Mare
Thank you for sharing your story – for your honesty, your humility, and your love for Jesus.
Praise God for your recovery. Thank you very much for your story, my son lost everything because of drugs. He has been clean for 1 1/2. His kids are with him now. He has his drivers license back. It blows me away to think that God loves me so much. He has pulled me out of the pit some many times. Bless you Dianne
Gay…so so so happy to meet you!! I have prayed for you and for your sister, look forward to all you have to say, all He will say through you. Thank you for being willing to be used and emptied. love love love to you.
Thank you for sharing from your heart. God is so good.
WOW! So thankful and encouraged to hear your story. I know a young man who is turning to God from the past of addiction that has cost him time with his newborn son and the mother of his child. Our church’s youth pastor has been dealing with the alcholism and attempted suicide of his mother. We all need hope and to be reminded of “freedom” and God’s power. I will be praying for you. Thank you for opening up and sharing this timely message.
W.O.W. I am so thankful for the restoration of Gay’s life! What an amazing lady you are, Gay! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Thank you Beth for sharing your sister with us. And thank you Gay for your courage in sharing your story that I am sure will help us. I feel so blessed and honored y’all love us this much. Welcome, Gay and know that you are loved.
thank you for being obedient and brave in sharing your story gay. i am looking forward to hearing more of your story and seeing how Jesus God (oh, how i love that Name!) uses it for His glory and to set the captives free! so much love to you, amy
I started to not reply, because words are so inadequate! I am a daughter of an alcoholic–my dad died without knowing the fullness of Christ’s healing. I am so encouraged by your words! 1000 days! Through tears and with a full and restored heart, I thank you, Gay, for telling your story. (We all have one, don’t we?)
I am new to the blog…so glad I came by…such a beautiful testimony…and it breaths hope into me for my brother…he was sober for years…not with the help of Jesus…not with a surrendered life, like yours…and he returned…like a dog to his vomit…so glad you are stepping out and sharing…you will help many…I so look forward to hearing more.
Blessings to you…
THANK YOU
Oh, I’m so glad to meet you on this blog. Thank you for sharing from your heart what God has done in your life. I look forward to learning more of your story and agree about needing a huge God to help us surmount problems. I’m sure your story will help me and others overcome whatever strongholds we have on our lives. I have many.
I spent 40 years running away from God and am so grateful that He kept pursuing me when I was trying to reject him.
You are a blessing and I wait eagerly for your next installment. Thank you for your great courage to share and give back what He has given you.
Praise God for His awesome plan of redemption that He has for each one of us.
May God continue to bless you richly, Gay, so you can continue to be a blessing to those around you.
What a story already! Thank you for sharing, Gay, and I can’t wait to read more of what God has done in your life.
Ms. Gay,
It is my great honor to say what a pleasure it is to officially meet you. Of course, I, like so many others I am sure, feel as if you are family already because you have been woven into our lives over the years. Maybe not by name and with details, but we have been praying for you. Your story encourages us all and I look forward to reading more.
Welcome dear Siesta…welcome:)
Oh, Gay!
I’m so thankful you are sharing your story here. I know that I am one of many lives who will be hope-filled, encouraged, and inspired by it.
So looking forward to your posts, girl.
Hugs to you,
Katie 🙂
Oh Gay. This post is pure joy for me. To see our Savior quite literally save you is something that thrills me to no end.
God bless you on your journey!! May you have thousands and thousands of sober days under your belt on the glorious day He calls you home.
Wow….Praise God! Thank you, Gay for sharing your story. God has done an amazing work!!!
What an incredible testimony for our Lord Jesus Christ! Your story is so needed in this world. I pray that you will get a book contract very soon, so that your story can be read by the masses of hurting people.
May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you…
gay- you are very brave! you are helping someone out there. keep it up.
Thank you for sharing!! It’s amazing what the Lord can do!!!
God bless your sweet little heart, Gay. You have quite possibly just helped to change the destiny of many families by sharing your story. May His abundant blessing pile on you!
Dear Gay,
WELCOME to our newest Siesta. Your story is safe with us. Thank you for entrusting your story of redemption with us, we are honored!!! We celebrate with both of you today. To God be the praise and glory 🙂
Dear Beth and Gay,
So happy to read this blog! Rejoicing over this 1000 days, 1000 gifts from/to God! While I’m not typically a shoutin’kind of Christian, this is SHOUTIN’ kind of good! Worshipping alongside you (however virtual) is a privelege. Mercy covered, grace given, overwhelmed with thankfulness, real, messed up kind of folks…just like ME! We serve an amazing God!
Tami, GA
it’d be my honor to hear your story, your testimony. tears and pain in my heart already.
Gay, thank you so much for blessing us with your story! I thank God for you and your willingness to use your live to serve God and give hope to others! I can’t wait to read your next post!
Beth thank you for shairing your sweet Sissy and sharing her story with us. Gay, you have stired my spirit today! You are an inspiration to so many lost and hurting people. May our sweet Jesus continue to use you to spread the message of His love and redemptive power in a mighty way. To God be the glory!
Oh, Sweet Jesus. This is wonderful, just wonderful! 🙂 My uncle has lived part of your life–drunk all of his life, lost everything (home, car, family, etc.) and is currently in rehab for what seems like the millionth time. You have definitely given me hope to not give up and to persevere with much prayer.
I appreciate your tremendous courage, Gay. It means a lot to me and I’m sure many others that you have opened your heart and your past and your present and your future with thousands of women who are strangers to you. May God give you the courage to keep telling your story. I’m waiting patiently for the next installment. To God be the Glory! 🙂
Prayers and blessings,
Rebecca
Dear Gay, I am blessed by your courage to be vulnerable as you share your story. We so need to be real and authentic as followers of Christ so that God can use us and our stories of redemption to reach the broken and hurting world we live in. You have already touched my heart and I celebrate with you 1000 days of freedom! Only our great God can accomplish such things in us. Praise His holy name! I look forward to what you will share with us.
Sweet Gay,
What an awesome God we serve! Thank you for your story and for teaching me today. I have been praying about a specific situation in my life and your words spoke DIRECTLY to it. You are an encouragement. You are a blessing. And I praise His name for you – especially today. 🙂 THANK YOU.
-Robyn
What a wonderful post. So nice to hear a fellow alcoholic in recovery talking about her story. I am so glad that a friend pointed me to this blog. Gay, if you’re out there, I’m a Christian in recovery as well and I recently started a blog, soberboots.com. I’d love to connect with you. So blessed by your story. Another walking miracle.
Gay, thank you. This must be very very difficult and I want you to know how much your bravery means to those of us in the throws of addiction. I am so sorry for all you have been through but praising Him right there with you as I read through the tears in my eyes. Our son is battling an addiction to narcotics, he just relapsed. For those who know how powerful God is, it’s hard to watch him. He refuses to believe God can help him.
Thank you Gay, for your strength, your daily work and your honesty. I will add you to my prayers and be thankful always for your wisdom.
Amazing. We serve an awesome God, do we not? I am humbled by your courage and genuiness Gay. I look foward to hearing more of your story.
Our God is so awesome. He loves us where we are and helps us become stronger.
Oh, Sisters, I already loved you so much but I love you even more right this minute. Thank you from the tenderest part of my heart for welcoming my sister with such love and joy. You are the most wonderful blog community on the planet. I will never forget this.
Thank you! Tears streaming —–
Gay,
Love your sweet heart! Thanks fir sharing! God is using you mightily;)
Blessings,
DeeDee
Gay and Beth,
Thank you both for sharing. I have already been blessed by what you both wrote. I have alcoholism in my family and, Gay, even those of us who aren’t alcoholics all need, or have needed, deliverance from something. So, we can all benefit from your story.
Gay,
Just wanted to say a sincere “welcome” to this blog community. You are a breath of fresh air. The church is desperate for more authenticity among it’s member’s. We are all recipients of lavish grace. That is one of the many things I love about your sister, she is so real. And so are you. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. Welcome, dear sister.
In Him,
Susan/Nashville, TN
A prodigal coming home is always cause for rejoicing and celebration! We celebrate with you and look forward to the next part of your story of coming home.
Haven’t even read the whole post yet, but 1000 days!!! YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!! Bless God!! ok, I’m gonna read the rest now!
My name is Brittany and I’m an alcoholic. I have 213 days clean and sober and I am so thankful that you are sharing yourself with me. Your story-what you have shared so far) has brought me to my knees in tears. I am ashamed to admit that while I have been clean and sober I have been running from God. And I can tell. The obsession to drink and use is strong, the number of scars are increasing,and the tear stained pillowcases can’t be counted. Thank you for trusting me with your story. I need to hear it. And I’m hoping that by hearing it, I will feel a little less alone for I am tired of running but I am scared to do this by myself. You have given me hope that I can make it through today.
Brittany, I feel sure you will hear from Gay in a comment, too, but I want you to know how wanted you are here in this community. We’re not playing religious games here. We know the terrors of the enemy, the shame-reaping weaknesses of our own flesh and the grace and power of Jesus Christ. We would be honored to have you along as we journey together on this troubled soil. Your God loves you so. His plan for you is GOOD. Meaningful. I hope that we could help you catch a few glimpses of that. Love, Beth
“how wanted you are”
Those four words. Four simple words but words I long to hear. Someone sent me this link and said ‘just read and give it a try.’ maybe I will. And maybe one day I can share my story and help someone else not feel as horribly alone as I feel right now. Thank you
Brittany,
Jesus has promised never to leave us, you are not alone and now He has brought you all these sisters and brought us the joy of caring for you and praying for you. I have no doubt you will be sharing your story. You aren’t in this by yourself. When you “feel” alone, remember as we each have to, don’t trust feelings. God doesn’t lie-He is there, sweet woman.
Oh Brittany … I don’t know you, but I do know that you are loved! He’s right there, closer than He might seem. Turn and fall into His loving arms sweet girl. Praying for you tonight …
Brittany,
I just wanted to let you know that I am sending up prayers on your behalf. That you will know Christ’s healing and comfort and strength. You are loved… and you are being prayed for.
sweet brittany, run TO him!! this is your God: he binds up the broken hearted, he proclaims liberty to the captives, comforts those who mourn, he wants to give you a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil gladness instead of mourning, the garmet of praise instead of a faint spirit, that you may be called an oak of righteousness, a planting of the LORD that he may be glorified!(isaiah 61:1-3) he rejoices over you dear girl. hosea 2 says God will allure you, and speak tenderly to you and make your valley of trouble a door of hope!! he won’t give up on you brittany! and i hope you stay in siestaville and let us be your sisters too!! you are loved here!!
Brittany, I just wanted to chime in and say that I will be praying for you along with our sisters, (that’s right I said our – you belong here sweet thing!) I am praying that Jesus will be your refuge and strength as it says in the Psalms and that He will be YOUR Jehovah JIREH the provider of ALL that you need to sustain you in the days ahead. You are so loved here, cheering you on Brittany – YOU CAN DO THIS because with GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!
Brittany, you are so brave to write so honestly here! I’m just another reader, but I wanted to pray for you that God would grant you grace to stop running and let Him catch you. He loves you so much and wants your healing more then you do. My heart goes out to you. May God send you a hug from someone near you today.
Dear Brittany
You are in my prayers already….you and my younger sister. But for God`s grace!!!…go I!! Stay tuned here and you will find real Truth and encouragement. I pray that you realize Jesus` huge love for you. He is faithful and He will do it!! He has done it for me!
Brittany, I just wanted to let you know that I have stopped and prayed for you tonight. You are NOT alone and do not have to do this by yourself. I feel impressed to share these verses from Jeremiah with you tonight:
Jeremiah 33:3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Finally, my prayer for you tonight is straight from Romans 15:13–May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
In the scripture it says confess your faults one to another that you may be healed! I don’t think you will be able to contain the blessing of healing that you are going to receive from the confession you have just made! Get ready for many great things are coming your way! You surely have just made at least a hundred new friends or more who will care for you beyond your wildest dreams and desires!!!
I feel awkward writing again but honestly right now, I am holding into anything and everything I can for strength. So even if it is writing a simple comment saying I want to drink/use/etc, then I simply hope by giving my fears a voice then I can make it through the next hour sober. Again gay- thank you for putting your story out there. Too bad you aren’t in SC because we could get coffee. Thank you for writing this. Really.