So Long Insecurity Week Six!

Hey Everybody! I am so proud of you guys! Your discussions have been tremendous. I am especially happy that so many of you have jumped in with us late and gone back to the very beginning, signed in, and added your answers to the previous weeks of our book discussion. Way to go! As we moderate, we give the same attention to the comments on the older posts as the ones that are up-to-date. I promise you that community and active discussion will make your journey far more meaningful and hold you infinitely more accountable.

Ok, we’re about to get to a part of the book that I found highly interesting in research. The next several chapters involve the insights from the men’s survey and I bet a few of their comments will pop your eyes open, too. In the mix of what we have ahead, we’re going to be focusing on men-related insecurities then soon after that (in coming chapters) we’ll focus specifically on women-related insecurities. Each of us has a tendency to be less secure around one gender than the other and, according to the survey of over 900 of you, we’re almost evenly divided between the two. I pray we’re going to gain insight into some gender-related insecurities and stumble upon some much needed freedom. I really want you to read the portions about the men even if you don’t have a mate or a specific man in your life. If we have resistant, resentful hearts toward men, we can’t just avoid them altogether. They comprise the other half of our population so it really is imperative in our pursuit of wholeness that we get a grip.

Your assignment for this week is to read CHAPTERS 10 AND 11 and answer the following question:
1. Based on Chapter 10, in all truthfulness, has your historical tendency been to view men (generally speaking) as gods? Or devils?

2. Based on Chapter 10 and your own day-to-day observances, what differences do you see between men’s insecurities and women’s?

3. On p.208 in Chapter 11, I suggest that women who struggle with insecurity tend to be particularly taken with 2 divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience. Did either of these resonate with you? If so, how?

We are liable to have some LIVELY conversation this week! I can’t wait to see it happen! Just one little thing I want to throw out there: some of you may have some pretty big hang-ups with men because you have a background of abuse like I do. If it plays heavily into one of your answers, by all means, share what pertains but I’ve learned along the way that it’s best to stop short of graphic descriptions. Most people have a hard time knowing what to do with those kinds of mental images. I’ve told every graphic detail in counseling situations but, publically, I try to stay general. It’s just too much for most listeners and readers. They have compassion but they just don’t have the answers. We know Who does.

Go for it, Girls! I’m so honored to take this journey with you.

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444 Responses to “So Long Insecurity Week Six!”

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Comments:

  1. 351
    Casi says:

    1. My take on men isn't really one way or the other (gods vs devils) as there are some I set up in a positive extreme while I go the polar opposite with others. So I guess you could say that I'm an extremist but I've recently realized this view of mine prohibits me from having a REALISTIC view of ANY man in my life.

    2. My main observance about the difference in men's insecurities and women's is that men (the ones that I know anyway) tend to take out their insecurities on the rest of the world while women many times turn it on themselves and it becomes an internal battle. While I know the enemy loves to take advantage of either, I have been giving some thought to whether he perhaps gets just a bit more enjoyment out of both heightening the insecurity of women while AT THE SAME TIME causes us to inflict pain on ourselves.

    3. Omnipotence and omniscience – that part of the book could have been written just for me. That's how much it resonated with me. My husband had knee surgery almost three weeks ago, which requires him to be on bed rest for a total of six weeks. The fact that I'm responsible for every single thing that goes on in our lives right now has really weighed on me and I find myself overcome with the need to hold on to this omnipotence/omniscience a times even though I know my plate is way too full to do so right now. There's no doubt in my mind the Lord is using this book and present situation – at such a time as this – to teach me lessons that I need both now and when our lives return to normal.

    Love, love, love this process – keep it coming, sister!

  2. 352
    Anonymous says:

    Yeah!!! Only a few hours behind this week!

    1) gods
    2) I think that the depth of insecurities for a man and a women are pretty much the same, if you compare apples to apples. I would however say that the way a man is willing to admit and express his insecurities is clear cut and no mixed words. I believe we women are insecure about admitting and expressing our insecurities. This difference would make one believe that women are affected by insecurities more then men.

    3) Um…Mama Beth, I didn't know you had access to my thoughts :0)
    No, I definitely see both and resonate with both. The truth shall set me FREE, RIGHT!!!!!!

    I've said this before, but the way God orchestrated the reading schedule of this book and the schedule of Breaking Free has been PHENOMENAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! THank you FATHER!!!!

    kate
    Married, 30's
    Charlottesville, VA

  3. 353
    Crystal says:

    1. I have generally been in the habit of viewing men as gods – wanting to be as good as they were, as successful, as confident. God has helped me to work through this the same way He's helped me with other relationships – to stop expecting the unreasonable and to start experiencing the relationship. Praise God!

    2. Men are better at hiding their insecurities – both from women AND other men. Women can pick out an insecurity in another woman faster than the time it takes to swipe on mascara. Men also don't point out other men's insecurities (speaking in generalities here!)

    3. Pg. 211, omnipotence stood out to me and boy was there conviction! My poor husband – I praise God for the work He's done in my husband life, and am now SO thankful for all the times He's caused me to fail – Lord only knows what type of wreck-of-a-man I would have created if I'd been allowed to do what I thought was the best way!

  4. 354
    mommathieszen says:

    Angie
    30's
    Married
    Goshen, IN

    1) I have always seen men as gods for sure. However, because of this, I also know my view of the TRUE GOD is warped and damaged. I saw/see men as something wonderful and someone I should do almost anything for in order to make them pleased. I have always wanted to make them so impressed with me. I wanted them to desire/envy/want me so bad…even as a very little girl. There was always something about them that was appealing and alluring and I just wanted to know it more. Even after 7+ years of marriage, I want to do this to my husband too. I still want to win his affections and make him wish he was more like me. I related so well with your section, Beth, about how you viewed Keith. I think being married to the same guy now, however, has opened my eyes that men are not as "godly" as I have always thought they were and so in some ways, I have also made my husband out to be the "devil" too. Why can't I just see him as an equal? I guess the more mysterious a man is (or the less I know of him) the more I see him as a god I want to try to "break" or a devil I need to make better. In light of my relationship with God Himself, I have always felt the need to impress Him too, try to win Him over, and do anything and everything He says I should do just so He will like me.

    2) The main difference I see between men and women is how they deal with insecurities once they are in their heads. I think men can more easily let them go because of the way they think–more compartmentalized. They can have an insecure thought and before they know it another thought comes into their head and they can leave that insecurity where it is at and move on without it effecting the next thought. With women, I think we tend to let every thought roll right into the next one and everything in our lives are somehow connected to one another. It's how we are wired. With insecure thoughts, however, this is a HUGE detriment. When we have an insecure thought and then the next thought comes along we are secure with, our insecurity from the last thought flows over and now we question our security in that thought. This continues on in a spiraling cycle until all we think are insecure thoughts. It's vicious! THAT is what I'm so excited to break free from!!!

    3) Yes, I agree that I am stuck trying to be both omnipotent and omniscient. I certainly want to control everything and how do you do that if you don't know everything so you have to be both! Sad that I want everything my way because I think it's the best way and yet after thinking through my answer to the last question, my way is totally built on insecure thoughts so why do I think it's so much better than anyone else's??? Such a sad situation and one that needs to get chucked out the window!!! The concept of viewing each situation as something that would give me life and freedom or death and evil was such a blessing!

  5. 355
    Anonymous says:

    1.Neither.

    2.With this economy I would say getting or keeping a job. It is rough in my area. I have a friend who was laid off, his wife died and his house burned(with pictures etc..) within 12 months.

    3. I would like of my ideas to be taken even though I know other people have other ways of thinking. I try not to push according to what it is. Sometimes my idea is the best one.Sometimes it really does not matter.

  6. 356
    Joybird says:

    Joy
    single
    30's
    California

    1. I tend to see men as both. I want them to be gods but I am superfast to knock them off of that pedestal and characterize them as devils. God told me this week that this is a twisted viewpoint.

    2. I guess I've never thought about manhood being determined by success or failure and how this could play into a guy's insecurity. In some ways I could relate as my financial and living situation have often determined how "adult" I felt. I have felt insecure or the need to prove that I am a real live grown adult even if my life doesn't seem to the normal signs of adulthood (financial independence, my own home, husband and children.) This is hard enough. I can't imagine having my feminine identity tied to this as well.

    3. Both the coveting of omnipotence and omniscience resonated with me. The concept that I usually seek to control only those who can most strengthen or weaken my sense of security was a profound revelation. I could also see situations where God controlled my access to info, only allowing what I needed in His time, not mine. There were years where I felt like I struggled for answers in a vaccuum. But looking back (with some of that info in His time and His way) I praise God for His wisdom and caring protection of me. He really does know what my heart needs and when.

  7. 357
    Simply Sara says:

    1. Gods. I see their confidence- whether it's real or not, and think that they have it all together…at the same time wishing I did too.
    (That is until I started reading this book!)

    2.The difference between men and women insecurity- Withdrawl/cling.
    Yowza! Hubs and I can completely relate to that one!

    3. Omnipotence.
    With good intentions. I want people around me to be free & happy… but if I'm being honest I do tend to take on the role of God and try to control people INTO happiness.
    Yikes!
    🙂

  8. 358
    Joybird says:

    Joy
    Single
    30's
    California

    I forgot to leave a note to Rebecca, 34, TN. I read your response to Week 4 and just wept for you. First of all I want to say how honored I am that you shared your struggles with us. I am so proud of your courageous honesty. You are not a black sheep. You are not irreparably broken. You are not a woman that no godly man would want. You are not an embarassment to the church or to Christ. YOU ARE the woman He came to rescue, just like me. We may have different histories and issues but we have the same need, HIM! Keep walking and talking with Jesus. He will not only deliver you but He has a beautiful, fruitful future planned just for you. Nothing is impossible to Our Saviour and King. I am praying for you and for your sister. Please know your name now lives in my heart and in my prayers.
    Love,
    Joy

  9. 359
    jenny hud says:

    1. this is such a tough question. i guess i would say gods. i've been thinking about these questions for a few days now and was unsure how to answer but i want to participate..i mean, that's the whole point of this community. anyway, i'd say gods i guess because i expect so much out of my husband. maybe it started with having older brothers and being a tomboy growing up, always hanging out and being closer with the guys than the girls. gods i guess.
    2. i think the main difference i see is that women for the most part see their insecurities as just "who they are". men, for the most part, mask theirs in trying to be king of the forest. the stronger they act, maybe they think they are fooling someone?
    3. holy cow…omnipotence. i feel as though i could've written that portion of the chapter. yes curiosity gets me sometimes but it's not as severe as the omnipotence. i especially try to "guide" us to what i am convinced is a better life. the whole "if my husband would ____ than i'd be _____. too true, too true.

  10. 360
    marthahelen says:

    These two chapters were incredibly timely and deeply profound to me this past week. Beth, you need to know if you can't already tell.. God IS moving! He is shedding light on major areas of insecurity in me. It excites me to no end because He reveals in order that He might work.. His accomplishing Word! There IS a secure woman in me somewhere and I can't wait for her to come out more and more.

    I still haven't gotten to talk with my husband about some of the questions that cpt 10 sparked but I intend to fully debrief with him soon. 🙂

    1. I definitely resonated more with viewing men as gods. Growing up I always felt such an insatiable longing to be loved and I always medicated that by telling myself "one day there will be a man who will sweep you off your feet and love you and be your everything." Well.. that was true, but it wasn't my husband. It's been Jesus all along. But that rude (i guess?? or bittersweet) awakening didn't come until some serious letdowns in my marriage. Even though I "knew" that Jesus was to be everything to me.. I learned it in marriage. Its not that I'm dreamy eyed about men all the time thinking they can do no wrong.. sometimes I admit I am disgusted with men. Its just that I want the fairy tale to be true in the human realm. As much as my husband fills me and meets my heart, he is a god to me.. as much as he lets me down and fails me or hurts me, he is a devil to me. This is true of my heart in the greater scheme of the male gender. Pretty sick and self-absorbed. I need to let men be men.. and not demonize them when they fail or idolize them when they do what I want.

    2. This one was harder for me. I don't see a lot of differences, actually, in the content around our insecurities.. meaning we both struggle with appearances, with careers, etc. But I see more differences in the way we handle or give outlet to our insecurity. Women tend to wear them on their sleeves.. sometimes it seems so easy to spot when a woman is suddenly overtaken with a rush of insecurity. Men's insecurities are more hidden and harder to spot. They seem fine most of the time, or at least just totally checked out, but obviously, that is not true. Withdrawal is HUGE for my husband. H.U.G.E. Thank you for sharing that.. it brought incredible freedom and understanding to me.

    3. Well, I am guilty of desiring after both omnipotence and omniscience. I resonated a lot more with omnipotence I think and it is kind of startling to me to realize how much I really do want to control/manage. Yuck. But I am definitely guilty of lusting after omniscience at times too.. My husband was engaged before we met and it has been hard to not feel insecure about that at times. One time I thought about searching for his ex-fiance on facebook just to see a pic of her (never seen her) and I felt that nagging in my gut, that voice saying, don't do this.. but I thought, oh its harmless.. then I saw how beautiful she is. I wasn't ready for the way it would shake me and send me into a tailspin of insecurity, self-hatred, etc. I just asked for the enemy to attack me, basically. Open myself right up to it.

    We think the more we know the more we can handle the situation. If we know ALL the facts and details, we naively assume, it will be less painful. I have never found this to be true!

    You are so right, Beth. When God brings the knowledge to us, its a whole different story than when we go out grasping and fighting for it ourselves.

    We are always trying to take things into our own hands it seems, aren't we? When the one in Whose hands WE are and IT is, is the only one really equipped to hold it and us.

    I surrender myself anew to You, Lord.. You are in perfect control of my life and You know perfectly all that I need to know. Help me to keep trusting You day in and day out, no matter what the enemy throws my way.

    Love you siestas. 🙂

    Martha
    Asheville, NC
    25
    married

  11. 361
    Lisa says:

    1. I can't say I can choose either gods or devils, but mostly just I see them as people like us. I have an awesome earthly father who started me out pretty grounded in this issue.

    2. Men need respect and to feel we see them at "manly men" who provide and protect. My husband and I have had a special celebration for each of our 3 sons when they turned 13 to affirm them becoming men. Several men gather to speak words of wisdom and give them letters or mementos of their transition to becoming men. This has been a profound event in each of their lives. Time will tell if this and many other efforts will help them feel their manhood in a different way than our society tells them.
    3. Omnipotence for sure! Beth I did every single thing you mentioned doing with Keith to my dear husband. I can totally relate to wanting to control those closet to me.

    Thanks so much for the insight again Beth!
    Lisa
    40's married
    Edinburg, TX

  12. 362
    Lynn says:

    Married, 50's, Montana
    1. My tendency has been as gods. My challenge has always been feeling inadequate, especially toward those I really admired.
    2. Men's tend to be more public-based, meaning based on expectations outside of themselves, caring for the family, etc. While women's are more internal-based, meaning based on our own expectations of ourselves.
    3. Yes, both. I was hit hard very young with grief – lost my brother, then my father with NO ONE talking about it. That puts you into an insecure, anxious mode that causes you to CONTROL (what little you can) your life. In my case excelling at school…..obsessed with it! The omnipotence certainly resonated the most, but there was plenty of trying to be omniscience also.

    Thank you, Beth, for listening so closely to God's call to you and for turning His insights into this book. What a blessed gift! Amen.

  13. 363
    Denese says:

    1. My historical tendency is to vacillate between the two, probably more on the devil side than on the god side.
    2. The difference that stands out in my mind is the way they/we handle our insecurities; their withdrawing and our getting clingy. It was also surprising to me that men feel they have to prove themselves to be men. I never thought of that before.
    3. I do find myself drawn to God's omniscience and omnipotence, the fact that He knows all and can do all brings me peace. I don't get quite so caught up in trying to exhibit those qualities myself because I'm still working at being in touch with my own inner workings.
    Denese
    50
    married
    Lakewood, NJ

  14. 364
    Denese says:

    Oooopppsss…lol
    Alright, I read a few posts and thank you Sheila,single,40's,MD– your comment on omniscience got me. And God definitely reminds me of Proverbs 3:5 frequently. I am always trying to figure out what God is doing…why might this be happening?…etc.
    BTW…I am never right with any of my assessments of what God is up to or how, so I am (God help me!) moving on!
    Denese
    50, married
    Lakewood, NJ

  15. 365
    texatheart says:

    I got a little behind due to spring break.
    1. In all honesty, I have an historical tendency to view men as devils. My alcoholic dad played a huge role in this I am sure.

    2. Not a whole lot of difference between the two insecurities. I always was taught not to chase the guys. I was not allowed to call a boy nor "chase" someone I liked. I am 55 and single probably in large because I never thought they maybe as afraid of relationships as I was. In some ways, I think it maybe easier for a woman to be insecure than a guy according to our society, even today.

    3. I grew up with an alcoholic dad who even after I shared my 7th grade knowledge of alcohol dependency, was not willing to make te choice to refrain from drinking that I wanted him to make. I took it upon myself, at 13 years of age, to monitor his drinking. I emptied bottles, I watered the scotch down, and I measured how much he was drinking at home alone. I was not very good at convincing him. I found myself vowing to always be in control and never to allow myself to be vulnerable to a guy again. It hurts to be disappointed by them.

    Jan
    55 single
    KS

  16. 366
    Anonymous says:

    1. I've always had trust issues with either gender but I've not had a god as a man in my life but I have had reason to distrust men but I have learned not to place the gender as a whole as bad.

    2. The differences I see is men hide their struggles so much better than women but the withdrawal connection was a light bulb moment for me even in my own struggle to get freedom for myself. The comment about withdrawal and cling made so much stinking common sense…I saw my mom cling for years but it was to keep as much control as possible…I knew she taught me well but never before now am I coming to grips with how well generational sin is deep within my psyche! Deep roots little did I ever understand the gardener that the Lord Jesus Christ is ??? He is so many many things, unexhaustible, Praise You Lord !
    3. Being the mother of a teenager I am learning all about how God will give you a nudge and how you need to obey that for the Lord is leading you somewhere with it. My youngest is the most headstrong kid I've ever known, he is my mother's curse for he is just like me and God is growing us up both together in HIM, if there was ever a child I wanted to control its him and be all knowing but I am having to "breathe" and say to myself, he is his own little person and teach him right from wrong and about God and LET GOD BE GOD! but MOST of all LOVE HIM…growing up my mother didn't validate her love for me but mostly pointed out my failures and being overweight so I gave up trying on either end of the spectrum. Thank God I was saved at 20 years old and married my best friend in the church where I attended. I battle the control thing because that is what I learned but having kids growing up I'm learning God is in control!

    The omnipotence/omniscience was so eye opening for me. You know how God shows us things but because we either don't want to understand or can't isn't He faithful to keep knocking until you get it!!! I've not known what to do with somethings and have been unable to handle some information that some people feel like you need to know and this has opened my eyes and my heart to guard my heart and mind and my life from the enemy setting me up for a trap. Power thirstiness and knowing too much about the people you attend church or biblestudy with can mess with you. I thank you for mentoring me in this community of believers, to God be the glory, Amen!

    Anonymous
    42
    Married

  17. 367
    Anonymous says:

    1.In my youth I probably saw them as devils due to family dynamics and those in my realm. After working with them in a man's field, I saw them through a real lens where there were good, honest ones and snakes.
    2. Men are insecure about being successful as a provider, sometimes fitting in to a group, and I think the younger generation of males are made to feel insecure if they don't have the gym physique. We all know about the short guy syndrome that many suffer from. Women seem to be insecure about so many more things like our appearance, our parenting,
    our housekeeping, our home and its niceness, fitting in to a group, are we interesting enough, smart enough and some women are so cruel to each other behind their backs. Men would just say to each other how they felt or instead of trying to pretend a relationship they would just avoid it.
    3.Omnipotence resonates with how I used to be. God has really transformed me. I was a type A trying to control quietly but persistently my children. I think I was insecure about my parenting due to guilt I felt about working. I tried to be supermom. I love this study because I want so many women to have the benefit of this knowledge while parenting. I recently learned alot of this and my children are about grown and I wish I had learned to let go and let God handle some things a lot earlier in life.

    Anne
    married
    50's
    SC

  18. 368
    Moose Mama says:

    I know this is late but I wanted to make sure to get my response on here anyway.

    1. View of men…gods or devils?
    I honestly believe neither. There is a certain man I view as devil not because of anything he has done to me…but to someone I love very much.

    2. Men's insecurities seem so sad to me. I'm not sure I can put it in to words, but there seems to be such a sorrowful longing to be understood, and yet they either don't know how to express it or our culture has taught them that it is "wrong" for them to express it. I see women having insecurities because of "stuff". And men having insecurities because they just doubt that they measure up.

    3. Which divine attribute resonated with me….OMNIPOTENCE!
    I could have written the list on page 211 that you wrote. I'm STILL trying to get over myself!

    Melana
    Sheridan WY
    Married
    50's

  19. 369
    Lisa V. says:

    Lisa v.
    Washington, NJ
    37 yrs old

    1. View of men — gods or devils? Gosh this question sure has stumped me. Went to #2 and 3 first and circled back here. My tendency… I can't say truthfully I've seen them as either. I know in my mind I've probably thought "weak" more times I care to admit. Maybe that has led me to not have too high expectations of men. So I certainly couldn't say I view men as gods.

    2. The difference in men and women's insecurities surely demonstrate that we indeed are two very different creatures. My observations have been that women compare themselves with one another too much. Men seem to not care too much about comparison. Women gossip! I don't think I've ever heard a man gossip. And gossip in my opinion is a big slice of insecurity. In my life, I've seen the insecurity of men that won't admit they don't know something. An unwillingness to be vulnerable. Men seem to me to need to at the very least put on airs of confidence.

    3. Oh sure! I know many women in my life that I've grown to know that have demonstrated the desire of omniscience and omnipotence with men in their life. I found it so funny how Beth talked about trying to get her man to read christian books and listen to CDs and try to be a cheerleader because I've done it too! But all too often my spirit told me that I have enough of my own spiritual challenges… kinda like the look at the plank in your own eye before pointing it out in another's. My husband has demonstrated spiritual growth in our life together but it only came about because he was led by HIM, not me. And recently my husband for the first time said aloud that it was me that led him to want to know more about God. And at that moment the first thing I said was "really???" and I immediately thought in my head, well he didn't read any christian books, or I didn't browbeat him to accept Jesus, … I , I , I … get the picture?. Just as quickly, I smiled to myself and knew it wasn't about my omnipotence. He saw a woman trying to love the Lord all on my own and he then turned to God to figure out his own walk of faith.

  20. 370
    April Nicole says:

    I am not quite ready to post my answers yet, but I had to say that I really like the idea about sharing songs. I did it once all ready, but I would love the get my Jesus groove on with some more tunes. Music helps me focus my heart. Anyway, I just wanted to give a shout out to my siesta who suggested this :O)

  21. 371
    Mischelle says:

    1. I would have to say both.
    2. In my own experience I have not seen much difference between the two.
    3. Omnipotence, just like you Beth I thought I had ALL the answers to my ex-husbands problems. I did a lot of the same things you did, to no avail.

    Mischelle
    46
    Madison, TN
    Divorced

  22. 372
    Anonymous says:

    This is to Anonymous at 8:44 on the 20th…I've been sitting here trying to find the words to convey how your honesty has touched me. I have spent most of my life feeling invisible…to the point of even crying out to God "Do You see me Lord, do You see me?" As for the feeling of being alone, that's also been a constant ache. Sometimes I get so tired of "running" just to keep ahead of it because it feels like it is going to swallow me up and I really will disappear. Like you, I know the Lord is enough but that's not where my thoughts and emotions always take me. (therein lies the problem, I know) But over the past couple of years I have become more and more convinced that only my relationship with my Savior IS the answer…and so I pursue Him, and He meets me where I am. The hitch comes in when I realize that I'm still not allowing Him to be my all in all. The Siesta who commented after your post talked of listening to other women talk about how their husbands were their everything, their world and completed them. How she would long for that. I listen to others talk about how God has become their everything, how He fills them…and I also experience a longing. Don't get me wrong, I know the weakness is in me NOT God. I'm the variable here. I believe God is good and righteous. I don't know if you will ever see this post but I just wanted to reach out to you and link arms so to speak and tell you that your honesty in sharing your heart spoke so clearly to my heart. God bless you Sister.

  23. 373
    sagreen125 says:

    1-I have tend to look at my husband and men as more God's.
    2- I look at mine as rejection and being criticized, and as I read about men and knowing my husband for 26 years now, and the more God pursues him and we talk. He deals with performance to get acceptance. How he deals when our finances have been awful a lot going out and not enough coming in and the pressure he feels. We both deal with different things.
    3- I deal with both, but omniscience struck a strong pull at my heart. We had left a church plant, not a good thing. As I looked back, I tried to find out more and more stuff they were doing. The church plant wasn't changing and I was getting madder and more angry and bitter. It wasn't until I stopped and forgave and and asked God to forgive me was their peace. It did nothing good for me. And asking God to forgive me for wanting to know the bad stuff.
    There was no peace.
    Beth thanks for this book, it has been so good. We just finished in our Thursday morning bible study at church for women Breaking Free. God knew I need this at this time.
    Stacy, Cincinnati, married, 40's

  24. 374
    battlewounded says:

    Alison, 30's, married, OK

    1. Devils. From Childhood, which I can't really explain, only wonderful godly men in my life.

    2. I see our differences in insecurity going directly back to our different God-given needs. Women need love and connection, so we feel insecure when we think we aren't getting enough of that. Men have a need for respect and to provide for their own. They feel insecure when those are not happening.

    3. I think resonate is too nice a word. More like an earthquake. A hurricane maybe. Yes is my answer to both.

    The story about your friend was so difficult to read. It's my story. Except I did marry the guy, and then became addicted to being a PI. Lord deliver me.

  25. 375
    MiChal says:

    When I finished reading chapter 11 this morning and picked up my maroon pen (I'm an Aggie, after all) to write down my response to this chapter's question, all I could think of was a cookbook I'd recently rediscovered in my pantry. It was a BBQ book that I'd given to my husband and, based on what I wrote in the inscription, I must have given it to him not longer after his affair came out.

    "My heart is in your hands." Ugh. I vaguely remember saying or writing that often during that season. UGH. In my mind, *he* was the one who had torn my heart to shreds and therefore *he* was the one that should fix it. And *want* to fix it. Didn't he see how much he'd hurt me?? Didn't he feel responsible to make it better?

    Well…not exactly. I'm sure it repelled him even more.

    I am who ***GOD*** says I am. Therein lies my security.

    (There's a happy ending to our story. That was 13 years ago and next month we will celebrate our 22nd anniversary. It was an amazing and healing journey. To God be the glory!)

  26. 376
    Pam says:

    I don't think I ever thought much of how I viewed men till reading the chapter and I can say it was ( I say was because it was when I was young) that I veiwed them as gods. My husband has since gone on to be with the Lord and I just have no desire to think about men :)He was the one you know and there is not another So I've lived that season. Not sad about it just in a different season.

    I have been kind of watching the guys and gals at work to see if I could detect insecurity in any of them. And I think I can. Some of guys get mad, some act silly, some don't talk. As for the gals I see a lot of them talking down about them selfs, I try and encourage when I here that.

    Omnipotence would be the one that resinated with me. I was always trying to make my husband:" happy". I think with my family as well trying to keep everyone happy. Man that was hard !!! I don't do that any more but when I was younger . It takes years to learn some of this stuff as we grow with Jesus. And thank God we do learn as we go ,Seems a little backwards sometimes like it is a little to late to be learning this. But God knows what is in our future so maybe it is for a different time , so I will just keep on learning. 🙂

    I'm a little late with this but been a busy week.

    Pam
    Campbellsburg, In.
    Single ( Widow)
    50's

    Love you all

  27. 377
    Val in KY says:

    OK – better late than never…I was determined to NOT be defeated.

    1. I think over the course of my life, I've seen men as both gods and devils. I looked up to my dad growing up, so he may have been a god to me. But when my parent's struggled with their marriage, he changed and our relationship is changed now, so I have a hard time "looking up" to him. I married too young to someone who was very emotionally abusive, so coming out of that, men were definately devils! But I love my husband – and I know in our 18-year marriage I have placed too much expectation on him and thought of him as a god…one that could meet ALL my needs. So I know I need to do better with that.

    2. In just knowing how my husband thinks (sometimes :)) I see him hiding behind his insecurities, but they don't define him. He definately withdraws (as noted on pg. 194). I've allowed my insecurities to define me.

    3. Boy – chapter 11 had me reading with my eyebrows up! At times I wondered if I was nieve and other times it had me shaking scared. We hear of infidelity in so many marriages even within the church and I've told my husband "I have feared that for us". Although he's very reassuring, I realize we need to have our armor constantly on against the devil's schemes. I think for me I struggle more with omnipotence–if my husband would only do _____, then he would be so much happier; or if he would NOT do ______ I would be so much happier. Again, after reading this chapter, I realize that God is the one in control and only he can break my husband's strongholds. I need to bend the knee on that one more quickly.

    Beth – thank you so much for your ministry, it has truly helped me grow my faith over the last 10 years.

    Blessings,
    Valerie
    Louisville KY
    40s, Married

  28. 378
    Kristi says:

    I feel a bit behind in my homework, but here are my answers for chap.10 & 11…

    1. My historical tendency? To view them as devils, for sure! My first husband left me when I was 5 mos. pregnant with our first child- for a man. I had tried to save whatever scrap of marriage we had left, but he just wasn't willing to fight for me. Left me devastated. Then one day as I was alone and talking to myself, I heard these words come out of my mouth… "Of course I'm having a girl. I REFUSE to add to the male population!!" (You guessed it. I had a boy. Surely, God had made an error!)

    (I'm 49 and there are 4 men in my life… Husband and 3 sons. But God is gracious and I love them dearly.)

    2. Differences b/w men's and womens' insecurities?? I don't really see much difference. It seems it mostly can go back to the basic I-want-to-be-loved-and-accepted-for-who-I-am stuff. Or the Am-I-doing-this-right? stuff. Even as I'm reading this book, I find my husband being more fearful that this book will bring OUT my insecurities that he's "working so hard to help squelch!" (Yes, his words!)

    3. Omnipotence, I'm sure. pgs. 211-212 practically described me! But lately, I'm coming to understand that my husband does not stand in my shoes; therefore, his walk is different from mine. And God doesn't need MY help in changing him. In fact, God doesn't even need my ideas!!! (Now, that's humbling.)

    Kristi
    Philadelphia
    40's
    married

  29. 379
    Kristin says:

    1.) I think I have to say both. I have always thought very highly of my father. As a child, I thought he could do anything. After suffering abuse from my first husband, I began to see men as devils.

    2.) Men fear mostly failure and women fear just about anything else. 🙂

    3.) Omnipotence – I want to be in control.

    Kristin
    AL
    30's
    Married

  30. 380
    simplebeauty says:

    I'm a week behind but I didn't not want to post a comment.

    1) I view men as gods. I'm glad this was something that you pointed out in the book Beth because it was something that the Lord has been working on dealing with me since I got into serious relationships when I was 19 and it really skewed how I handled them. So I'm really thankful this was addressed :O)

    2) I think that guys hide their insecurity way better than girls.

    3) I think a little of both. More so now that I've gone through what I have. I try really hard to control everything around me so that I don't get hurt again by anything. God is working on me in that area. Healing is happening and needed.

  31. 381
    anonymous says:

    married
    30’s

    1. This question and chapter triggered some things very deeply in me. I was surprised to discover that I basically see men as devils. Some very bad things happened to me when I was very young. When I was sixteen I was raped by someone I knew, someone that could have, in an instant, had forty character witnesses come forward to say there’s no way he could ever have done such a thing. I would have said that about him myself before this happened. I had another incident happen when I was twenty and ending a relationship where I saw a side of a man I didn’t know existed – the crazy, mean side. These events and all the other predictable ones left me highly suspicious and cynical of men in general. I’ve been married seventeen years. Several years ago I was listening to a teaching about God looking upon us and seeing our beauty. My immediate thought was, “Oh great, He’s leering at me like every other creep.” As I was thinking about this question and how this has obviously affected me deeply for many years I realized this is connected to something the Lord started showing me at the end of last year. I have experienced much deliverance in my walk with the Lord but He has revealed a deep root of apathy in me. In order to obey God’s call on my life I need to feel something, but mostly I don’t.

    2. It seems to me that their insecurities target their roles as children of God. Women as receivers and men as providers and protectors. We seem to be attacked early and often in an attempt to extinguish the amazing potential God has placed inside each of us.

    3. Omniscience is the clear winner for me. I have driven myself crazy trying to “know” everything.

  32. 382
    Nicole says:

    1. I tend to view men as gods. I think it stemmed from my deep love and relationship with my Dad as a little girl.

    2. My comments on differences in men’s and women’s insecurities come from what I’ve read as they resonated with me or informed me. On page 195 Beth wrote that men give off the don’t mess with me vibe and women give off the please mess with me vibe!
    On page 188, men withdraw, women cling.
    This next one struck me (p 188); girls become women when they reach a certain age. Boys become men when they attain and conquer.
    Again, from page 188 regarding provision, one feels frightened by it, but the other feels defined by it.

    3. Omnipotence resonated with me. My kids and certain school teaching situations have been used powerfully in my life to teach me about my tendency to omnipotence.

    I am thankful for the caution regarding omniscience on page 225; “I cannot caution you strongly enough to tread carefully in the turbulent deep water of another’s mind lest you nearly drown.”

  33. 383
    Melissa says:

    1. I’m not sure about saying I view men as gods, but I know I give them more power over my emotions than I need to…

    2. From observations of men in my life, I can see that they are more often validated or invalidated by their work, while women in general by how we are viewed by others.

    3. I really have a lot to think about from this chapter. As far as the omnipotence, I tend to want to be a fixer with my family members, because I so much want them all to be happy (and of course I know what is best for them!). This overlaps into omniscience because if I feel I know all the details in whatever they are going through, I am better able to “help”. This really is a chapter about boundaries. I didn’t get to have many as a child, so I have had to learn as an adult both to set my own and respect those of others. Boundaries take so much pressure off a relationship!

  34. 384
    Niki says:

    1. Probably devils – I have let men determine my security and happiness for too long. Being hurt and dissapointed by them hurts my view of men.

    2. From reading the chapter, I can now identify insecurity in men better and do see similarities. But I also see differences in a specific instance as far as how a particular man I know deals with his insecurity. I can see now that he is insecure with himself and that he deals with it by not getting close to women and how he treats them.

    3. The piece that resonated with me for omnipotence is around the control piece of “If he- then I”. I have for so long been clinging to If my husband would become a Christian, then everything would be better. So I have worked and worked on him – and I need to let go and turn it over to God.
    Also with omniscience – because of trust issues I have gone down the path of checking phone and email (when left alone – because he is not open to having open access to each others). Because he is not open to having access it has caused issues. I feel the more he’s against it, the more he’s hiding.

    Niki
    30’s
    Married
    Overland Park, KS

  35. 385
    Michelle says:

    1. This one was a hard one for me. I’d say that I have a tendency to view men as devils. I’ve always been independent and thought that if I was one step ahead of the game, men couldn’t affect me like I’ve seen them do to so many women and friends around me. Yet, I get along great with guys and often would rather spend time with them than most women. They are straight and to the point, get over things quickly, love to have fun, and love to give attention. Yet at the same time, I’ve found myself looking for their faults and pinpointing them once I’ve found them. It must come back to seeking control and being a step ahead… if I can find their faults ahead of time, they can’t hurt me and I’m prepared for anything that may come my way.
    2. The main difference I see with men and women is how we handle our insecurities.
    3. I have found myself seeking omnipotence and omniscience. But one definitely dominates- OMNIPOTENCE! Before this book I knew that I loved control but I thought that was mostly a good thing- after all it has saved me a lot of heartache and I’ve been able to take matters into my hands and work hard at things. And yet God continually shows me examples everyday where I need to let go of my control.. to turn over the steering wheel. And when I don’t give it up, God pries my fingers off and unexpected change occurs, leading to fear and insecurity. What a sick cycle! Seizing control hurts those around me and those I love dearly, and for some reason, those are the relationships I crave to have the most control.

  36. 386
    Katie Taylor says:

    Katie
    27
    Married
    Russellville, AL

    1. My tendency has been to view men as “devil-gods” (I wanted to say deviled-gods but that made me think of deviled-eggs). Mostly as gods, b/c of the power I’ve allowed them to have over me. Anyway I perceived they judged me, thats what I accepted as my truth (mostly regards to how I look and my competence). I describe them as devil-gods b/c mostly I feel their power/ruling over me is negative and not for my good, to put me down. I hate this, yet I have sought out their definition of me and receive it even if it hurts and wounds me. Hmmm…messed up much?!

    The question on pg. 197 made me think, “are you wholly unable to imagine being fulfilled w/o a man in pursuit or one in your clutches?” You know, I had never thought of it till now, but from the first boyfriend till I got married I had always been with a guy or been in pursuit of a guy. I never could just be ok by myself and just enjoy being w/my friends. I was SOOO LOST during those days, w/o a clue of who I was. This was a huge revelation to me: Being w/a guy was my life and I built who I was around whoever I was with. I found my affirmation and definition in guys…no matter how “deviled” they were.

    2. I see that both genders struggle with appearances, but for each, appearances are defined differently. For women, its all things physical. For men, its what they do, how good they are at it, how much they make, what they have, their power. I recall my uncle saying “the difference between a man and a boy are the size of their toys.”
    It seems the insecurities are formed from the way you perceive you measure up to the cultural standard of what is worthy of praise and approval. Its sad b/c unless we seek to please Christ alone(2Cor. 5:9), we are all just a bunch of people-pleasers.

    3. Omnipotence: I recently experienced a missed opportunity of something I greatly desired doing (going to seminary). Not going was pretty much due to my husband’s strong urging for me to wait. God had also brought to my attention a clear teaching on Eph. 5:22, so I pulled back based on my husband’s reservations and leading. It eats at me b/c I wonder if my man said “wait” b/c he was following God, or b/c of his own fears. I keep I keep thinking that b/c he doesn’t pray more and really have a quiet time w/God, somehow that effects God’s purpose in my life. (How foolish of me to think God can be thwarted!). I get frustrated and think, “if only he would…then…” Lord, help me to realize no matter what my man does, you WILL fulfill your plans for me, YOU ALONE are in charge!

    Omniscience: I got horrid chills when I realized that I have been coveting God’s omniscience. I keep fixating on “what is God planning? When is it coming? Am I supposed to be doing something to prepare now? Did I miss something?”…and on and on. B/c of not going to seminary, like I had thought, I find my self in a wilderness (27 years old, no kids, no job). I am LONGING for something new, I want so bad to be part of what God is doing in my generation for His glory, yet I have no clue what that is going to be. I keep questioning so many things, constantly being tempted to think He doesn’t really have a plan for me and I’m instead supposed to being figuring it out on my own. Lord, help to rest in your protective will and have a joyful expectation for the future b/c of your promises. To fixate on YOU alone, to seek to KNOW you and rest with you in this place. You are my Shepherd…You are really all that I want!

  37. 387
    Karen says:

    Karen
    MN
    40s
    single

    1. I really don’t see men as gods or devils.

    2. I haven’t noticed men’s insecurities before. I think I am so caught up in my own insecurities I don’t see other people’s insecurities whether they are men or women. I just see myself as having the problem. It was interesting to read that men have this struggle too.

    3. Omnipotence. Wow, chapter 11 hit home. There were two sentences where I just could not read any further until I stopped to let them sink in and take some deep breaths. “People who are chronically insecure often have an overwhelming tendency to become control freaks” and “It took me forty years in the wilderness to realize that at the end of the day, people do what they want to do” had a big impact. I had just turned 40 when I got the biggest wake up call of my life that I needed to change and I needed to let God change me. I often ask myself (and God) why it took so long for my eyes to open and could things have been different if I would have been different. I am working on it and praying and praying. I also want to leave a positive and secure legacy for my daughter. I have lived in selfish insecurity for too long.

  38. 388
    Amy says:

    1) I’ve always viewed them more as gods. I felt like it was very important to have a man all the time and based my security on them.

    2) I think men focus more on their success and are scared to fail. They will compare themselves to other mens’ success. Women tend to focus more on appearances and compare themselves to other women much more.

    3) I feel like I’ve struggled more with omniscience. So many times I’ve tried to find out more about my husband’s previous addiction to pornography, and it always haunted me. I’d try to figure out what was going on his head ALL the time. I just ended up more hurt. I learned that I needed to trust in God ultimately and leave it up to Him.

    Married
    30
    GA

  39. 389
    Becca says:

    Beth!!!!!

    Ok, I really feel like I have to explain myself after getting to meet you at the book signing at B&N on March 20th! I have been replaying it over and over in my silly little head and I just need to get this off of my chest! (I’m an over analyzer and when I meet someone or leave a conversation, I’m the type that thinks about it the rest of the day!!!)

    I was the girl in the bright green t-shirt with a big Earth on it that read “March for Missions”. Upon meeting you I told you I loved you so much, hugged you for a long time and cried my little eyes out! You asked about my shirt, and I think the only thing I could squeak out while crying was “a pastor friend of ours….” Oh goodness gracious, I’m embarrassed just thinking about it! I know you are just so precious that you probably didn’t think a thing about it, and the fact that that you don’t makes me love you even more 🙂

    Meeting you in person far exceeded what I thought it would be! There was no doubt in my mind that you would be one of the sweetest, most kind women of God I had ever met…and I was right 🙂 When you walked out into the area to the table where you stood to sign the books, the Lord radiated off of you in such a precious way. I remember thinking to myself “praise the Lord, this is a woman who loves God with all her heart and Christ surrounds her AND the space she’s in!!” It touched my spirit so heavily that I instantly got choked up and had insta-tears! Seeing Christ in you touched me so much, Beth. Matthew 5:16 came to mind. I couldn’t help but give glory to God knowing what He’s done in and through you. You encourage women to “wear this Book out!” (which is what you wrote in my Bible!) You encourage women to live sanctified lives. You encourage women to be who they are in Christ. And you live it.

    I’m one of many thousands of women that love you so so much and pray for you and your precious ministry. I know you hear these stories so often, but I couldn’t let one more day go by without sharing mine.

    I said it once and I’ll say it again….I love you so much, Beth! You are so precious to me. Thank you for allowing God to use you to encourage the hearts of women who simply want to love God and love people.

    Lord bless, precious sister.

    Becca

  40. 390
    Carol says:

    1.) Definitely devils. Not sure what the earliest roots were, but for sure I have disrespected men most of my life. I think out of fear and insecurity. Here are some possibilities:
    A) My teenage years were some of the most active and vocal times of the Women’s Lib Movement, so, though I didn’t really subscribe to their agenda, I’m sure I picked up some of their disdain for men.
    B) I have been a passive/aggressive resister of authority most of my life too, regardless of gender.
    C) I was molested at age 12 by a ‘peer’, and was rebellious enough to believe for the longest time that I had actually enjoyed the encounter, and didn’t even feel shame for it until new school rules made me realize he must’ve tried it with another girl and she had had the security, wisdom, and strength enough to resist AND to tell on him!
    D) Then as a socially awkward 16 year old and ‘never been kissed’, the boy I was ‘sweet on’ appeared drunk on my darkened front porch on Halloween as I was handing out candy to the neighborhood kids, and he roughly and grossly kissed me aggressively full on the mouth and fled to the waiting car of a friend. ICK!
    2.)An insecurity I can’t even relate to as a woman:I’ve observed my husband’s fear of not being a good provider, even though all of our married life he has worked successfully in the same job and made a better living than either of us ever dreamed. It’s hard for him to consider early retirement b/c of this same insecurity.
    3.)Definitely omnipotence. I mistakenly thought for years and years that if everything were just the way I wanted it, then I would be happy. My husband wasn’t one to be ‘changed’, but he didn’t want to fight all the time either, so he would just capitulate, saying, ‘whatever you want’, but neither of us got much enjoyment out of our relationship. Thankfully, God is at work restoring!

  41. 391
    Stephanie says:

    1. I tend to view men as gods, I went into marriage thinking my husband would fulfill every emptyness left in me. Boy did I get a wake up call. I’ll be married 7 years in May and God is still tending to me on this.
    2. I think simply put we wear our security on our sleeve dying for someone to fix it while men withdraw.
    3. Omnipotence is my downfall. The part where you said “if someone would do it right, we would’nt have to take over” this so struck me I’ve thought these very excat words in moments where I was trying to justify my actions.

  42. 392
    Sarah says:

    Sarah
    Colorado Springs, CO
    30’s
    Single

    1: I see Men as God’s. I want them to protect, save, care for, provide, etc…. I put my trust into them instead of God. Thank the Lord that I got a hold of this book!!! God’s changing me.

    2: I think a difference is that women seem to show it more. Guys (to me) hide it easier.

    3: Omnipotence!

  43. 393
    Heather says:

    1. Historically I have viewed men as devils because of the abuse I received at my father’s hands. I attributed to all men my father’s motives in his abuse of me, and most of what I did in my relationships was to make the man prove that he was different from my father. My first marriage (he died before I married my current husband of 23 years) looked exactly like my father, minus a gunshot wound to the forehead. A therapist pointed out the similarity to me. I went through life assuming that all men wanted the physical part of the relationship, so give it to them and get it out of the way. I gave so much of myself away to these men in one night stands that it is a miracle that there was anything left of me. Fortunately God restored me and healed me. Yet there are still roots of insecurity that remain, and I assume that most, once they know me, will hate me. I am in amazement that my husband loves me, and he does. But there are times when a memory still crosses my mind and I have to pray to God to take it away and remind myself that my husband is NOTHING like my father.

    2. Being married to what a doctor termed a pleasant type A personality of a man, I think the difference is that men hold their insecurities within and not share them as openly. I think all insecurity, whether male or female boils down to the need for love. No human can love us the way God can love us, but we seek others to affirm and love us, and often they fall short. Sometimes I think the burden on men is much harder for society teaches that they need to bear their challenges with a “stiff upper lip” and they have a sense of responsibility not only for themselves, but for their wives and children. Women tend to network more than men do, at least in my husband’s case. I remember that when my children were in school because of my involvement with scouting and homeroom and volunteering at school I made more connections. Wherever we went my husband was surprised at how many knew me, but he spent a lot of his time at home working and not out in the community, so there was more isolation. We are now doing things differently and finding ways to be with others and know others, so that is changing, but at first it was hard for him.

    3. Both omnipotence and omniscience resonated with me. In fact, right now in doing the homework for A Woman’s Heart on Page 53 I answered your question “I persistently try to act as if i cannot hear You ask me to give You my sense of control freely, then I read Chapter 11 of So Long Insecurity – boy does God have an impeccable sense of timing! For me, as a child the only way I survived was control. I had to control the number of tears I shed during a beating – too many and I got a beating for crying too much, too few and i got beaten for he had not hit me hard enough. And then of course with the incest I had to hold everything within to survive and hold myself together. Control was the difference between life and death for me, and the need for control continued long after it was no longer necessary. Even today I give things to God’s hands and then grab it back, figuring I HAVE to do something about it. I am improving, and God is helping me to see that if I truly give control over to Him, He will take care of things for me in ways that I can’t imagine that will benefit me. I have only been saved 8 years, after having spent 40 years in the wilderness hating God (I gave up on God when I was 8). it has taken 8 years since being saved for me to let go of my death grip on control and trust God. I guess you could say I am a work in progress. Regarding Omniscience, I used to forever ask God “WHY?” and wanted Him to show me where He was in my past. Lately He has been giving me glimpses on a need to know basis, and I am realizing that had He shown me these things a few years ago it would have separated us, for I couldn’t have handled the knowledge. I am blessed, like you, to have an openness with my husband, and we both are able to read each other’s emails, not that we do, but it is possible to do so. There is nothing hidden. What is tough is that my husband seems attracted to some shows that he calls “culture” and they involve scantily clad women. Sometimes I will walk into the room and see an image on TV that brings me back to my past or is very difficult to banish. Some of his friends send emails I wish they wouldn’t send. I have a different standard for what I can handle on TV, etc. I keep praying and if he is watching a show I can’t stand I tell him I am not in love with the subject, I leave the room and go and either read something edifying or listen to praise music. I know that God has that in His hands, but sometimes it is a challenge. Yet, we have been married 23 years and I trust him and his love for me.

    Beth, this book is a blessing and I thank you so much for what you have shared with us regarding this. Sorry I am a bit behind = but hey, I am a small group leader for A Woman’s Heart and I do have to do my homework – week one and two were pretty challenging. In fact, in the study of Manna I think there is something to be said about the Israelites -and insecurity. Insecurity led their murmuring, for they did not trust that God would provide. God pulled them out of Egypt, and fed them Manna, and they spent the time in the wilderness for God had to get Egypt out of them. Sadly, the images that they saw in Egypt were not that easy to remove, hence the golden calf. Far easier to go back to the demon you know than to venture into the great unknown with God, I suspect they felt. I know that when God has made many changes in my life, a lot of times it requires him putting me in a place of discomfort and need so that He gets my attention. I am praying to be more receptive BEFORE God feels I need discomfort to change.
    Heather
    Shokan
    50’s
    Married

  44. 394
    AnnaRuth says:

    Anna
    DFW, Texas
    20’s
    Single

    (Still playing catch-up!!)
    1. Gods. My relationship with my father is a bad one, and I’ve always looked to other men to fill that role, I believe. Somewhere in my mind the thought process has been “If a man loves me the way I need to be loved, my life will fall into place!”

    2. We seem to have the same insecurities, generally speaking. It’s how we respond to them that differs so greatly! Like Beth said, we cling, they pull away…not a good combination!

    3. YES!!! I have always longed to control everything in my life, because that helped me to “feel” more secure (although we ALL know that it only heightened my insecurities!!). I want to know all and see all. I’ll tell ya, if I’m having a conversation with someone and they start texting someone, I go CRAZY with all the thoughts that go through my head on what is being said about me! I will even play out the situation in my head of how I can get my hands on that phone to read what was said. When I know in my “sane” section of my brain that it was most likely not about me at all…insecurity reigneth supreme! But I fit the picture of this chapter – as I gain knowledge, I’m worse off because of it. I am struggling to learn to rest in the knowledge that God gives me and not strive for anything past that!

  45. 395
    nelva says:

    I am prone to view them as devils. However having been married to an angel these past 10 years my outlook has changed.

  46. 396
    Fran says:

    40’s
    Married
    Corryton, TN

    1) Men = Devils — Men in my life have been abusive & angry (natural father), strict, limiting & demanding (stepfather), needy & demanding (husband), and my way/no way (former boss). Most of these men have the good side especially my husband. His loving and nurturing side is there especially when I need it most!

    2) No difference between the insecurities of men and women. Men just “appear” to be better at hiding theirs than women.

    3) I am omnipotence — sounds much like my issues of co-dependency.

    Instead of the post-traumatic stress syndrome, my counselor feels co-dependency is my issue. The more I learn about it, the more I agree. Therapy is going well but difficult at times. This study as I said at the beginning is perfect timing — the foundation of my co-dependency keeps coming back to insecurity. Selah’s song “Deliver Me” is a great inspiration to those of you working through this book. Does anyone else have a song that inspires and lifts them? I know taking time to praise God helps too!

  47. 397
    toknowhim says:

    1. I don’t think I lean to one side to strong for men in general. However, in my specific relationships with I think I have viewed them as a god or devel depending on the situation. At times the men in my life were a god because my world revolved around them, or when they deeply broke my heart with betrayal they became a devil. Now, I feel like I do have a correct view of men…God’s view of what a man should be.
    2.I think what I have noticed a lot is that when men are dealing with insecurity they either respond with anger or arrogance.
    3. I think I relate more to the having control over my life, although I do want to know information as well. The control issue is a long term struggle that I am working through with God…it’s hard.

  48. 398
    JustMe says:

    1 – Mostly devils
    2 – Believe most men try to prove themselves as men based on a worldly standard or what has been passed down through generations but I am beginning to believe that may not be God’s original intent for the male because those things tend to change based on environment, upbringing, location, etc. However same is true with women. Believe the way in which we handle it is different.

    I believe that if both women and men chased Christ for He is they would inevitably become who they are meant to be.

    Again, thanks so much for your hard work and transparency in this book….for walking this journey before us so that you could turn back and put out a hand to help us along the way…..believing that God is doing a mighty work in my life through this book!

    Much love and many prayers your way!!!

    Married
    30’s
    Florida

  49. 399
    Darcie L. says:

    Hey Beth and everyone, catching up here. I have always had problems with the control. But then I realized that a belif I had was when I always have to be in control or I will be stupid or taken advantage of. When I first was married and my husband would live to go on hunting trips I would thru a fit (not pretty) to get him to stay with me. I would try to control him so he wouldn’t leave. Now I just give it to God well most of the time. Oh Beth how that struck me in the face. When I am insecure now I see my behavior and try to shift out of it.
    The other part of that was when I was growing up I wanted to know everything my mom was doing,who she dated. Moment of truth here: I shouldn’t have known everything. She was my mother and God was in charge of the situation. I still know things that I wish I hadn’t known especially after her death. God had given me the bits and pieces and the grace to forgive my mom with God’s planting of the truth thru others. Oh how amazing He truly is.

  50. 400
    LSOFang says:

    In all truthfulness, I think I’ve always viewed men as devils, because of how I’ve been treated by men over the years. I have always thought all men were just as controlling as the next and didn’t care about anyone but themselves. Reading through the men’s posts really helped me see, that I was just going for guys with the same attributes my own insecurities were used to.

    2. Based on Chapter 10 and your own day-to-day observances, what differences do you see between men’s insecurities and women’s?

    Men, well, they tend to hide their insecurities more, but they do it in this quiet look on their faces. They turn away, or walk away when they start to feel it come on. Or with many of the men I’ve been with…they turn to other things.
    I think women are a lot similar to this too, because while we may share about our insecurities with other women, we are more opt to ” generalize” the story. We are so afraid to trust other women that we don’t let the true story out of how we are feeling, therefor we do get used to turning away from the conversation, or walking away. Or like men we turn to other things. For me, it was just being able to ” feel” something, I would be with men to just “feel” what it was like to be loved for even a little time.
    Deep down the emotion was empty, because I’ve never known how to feel or how to love, therefore it was always one sided.

    Angie
    29yrs old
    Savannah, GA

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So Long Insecurity Week Six!

Hey Everybody! I am so proud of you guys! Your discussions have been tremendous. I am especially happy that so many of you have jumped in with us late and gone back to the very beginning, signed in, and added your answers to the previous weeks of our book discussion. Way to go! As we moderate, we give the same attention to the comments on the older posts as the ones that are up-to-date. I promise you that community and active discussion will make your journey far more meaningful and hold you infinitely more accountable.

Ok, we’re about to get to a part of the book that I found highly interesting in research. The next several chapters involve the insights from the men’s survey and I bet a few of their comments will pop your eyes open, too. In the mix of what we have ahead, we’re going to be focusing on men-related insecurities then soon after that (in coming chapters) we’ll focus specifically on women-related insecurities. Each of us has a tendency to be less secure around one gender than the other and, according to the survey of over 900 of you, we’re almost evenly divided between the two. I pray we’re going to gain insight into some gender-related insecurities and stumble upon some much needed freedom. I really want you to read the portions about the men even if you don’t have a mate or a specific man in your life. If we have resistant, resentful hearts toward men, we can’t just avoid them altogether. They comprise the other half of our population so it really is imperative in our pursuit of wholeness that we get a grip.

Your assignment for this week is to read CHAPTERS 10 AND 11 and answer the following question:
1. Based on Chapter 10, in all truthfulness, has your historical tendency been to view men (generally speaking) as gods? Or devils?

2. Based on Chapter 10 and your own day-to-day observances, what differences do you see between men’s insecurities and women’s?

3. On p.208 in Chapter 11, I suggest that women who struggle with insecurity tend to be particularly taken with 2 divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience. Did either of these resonate with you? If so, how?

We are liable to have some LIVELY conversation this week! I can’t wait to see it happen! Just one little thing I want to throw out there: some of you may have some pretty big hang-ups with men because you have a background of abuse like I do. If it plays heavily into one of your answers, by all means, share what pertains but I’ve learned along the way that it’s best to stop short of graphic descriptions. Most people have a hard time knowing what to do with those kinds of mental images. I’ve told every graphic detail in counseling situations but, publically, I try to stay general. It’s just too much for most listeners and readers. They have compassion but they just don’t have the answers. We know Who does.

Go for it, Girls! I’m so honored to take this journey with you.

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  1. 401
    mommathieszen says:

    Angie
    30's
    Married
    Goshen, IN

    1) I have always seen men as gods for sure. However, because of this, I also know my view of the TRUE GOD is warped and damaged. I saw/see men as something wonderful and someone I should do almost anything for in order to make them pleased. I have always wanted to make them so impressed with me. I wanted them to desire/envy/want me so bad…even as a very little girl. There was always something about them that was appealing and alluring and I just wanted to know it more. Even after 7+ years of marriage, I want to do this to my husband too. I still want to win his affections and make him wish he was more like me. I related so well with your section, Beth, about how you viewed Keith. I think being married to the same guy now, however, has opened my eyes that men are not as "godly" as I have always thought they were and so in some ways, I have also made my husband out to be the "devil" too. Why can't I just see him as an equal? I guess the more mysterious a man is (or the less I know of him) the more I see him as a god I want to try to "break" or a devil I need to make better. In light of my relationship with God Himself, I have always felt the need to impress Him too, try to win Him over, and do anything and everything He says I should do just so He will like me.

    2) The main difference I see between men and women is how they deal with insecurities once they are in their heads. I think men can more easily let them go because of the way they think–more compartmentalized. They can have an insecure thought and before they know it another thought comes into their head and they can leave that insecurity where it is at and move on without it effecting the next thought. With women, I think we tend to let every thought roll right into the next one and everything in our lives are somehow connected to one another. It's how we are wired. With insecure thoughts, however, this is a HUGE detriment. When we have an insecure thought and then the next thought comes along we are secure with, our insecurity from the last thought flows over and now we question our security in that thought. This continues on in a spiraling cycle until all we think are insecure thoughts. It's vicious! THAT is what I'm so excited to break free from!!!

    3) Yes, I agree that I am stuck trying to be both omnipotent and omniscient. I certainly want to control everything and how do you do that if you don't know everything so you have to be both! Sad that I want everything my way because I think it's the best way and yet after thinking through my answer to the last question, my way is totally built on insecure thoughts so why do I think it's so much better than anyone else's??? Such a sad situation and one that needs to get chucked out the window!!! The concept of viewing each situation as something that would give me life and freedom or death and evil was such a blessing!

  2. 402
    Anonymous says:

    1.Neither.

    2.With this economy I would say getting or keeping a job. It is rough in my area. I have a friend who was laid off, his wife died and his house burned(with pictures etc..) within 12 months.

    3. I would like of my ideas to be taken even though I know other people have other ways of thinking. I try not to push according to what it is. Sometimes my idea is the best one.Sometimes it really does not matter.

  3. 403
    Joybird says:

    Joy
    single
    30's
    California

    1. I tend to see men as both. I want them to be gods but I am superfast to knock them off of that pedestal and characterize them as devils. God told me this week that this is a twisted viewpoint.

    2. I guess I've never thought about manhood being determined by success or failure and how this could play into a guy's insecurity. In some ways I could relate as my financial and living situation have often determined how "adult" I felt. I have felt insecure or the need to prove that I am a real live grown adult even if my life doesn't seem to the normal signs of adulthood (financial independence, my own home, husband and children.) This is hard enough. I can't imagine having my feminine identity tied to this as well.

    3. Both the coveting of omnipotence and omniscience resonated with me. The concept that I usually seek to control only those who can most strengthen or weaken my sense of security was a profound revelation. I could also see situations where God controlled my access to info, only allowing what I needed in His time, not mine. There were years where I felt like I struggled for answers in a vaccuum. But looking back (with some of that info in His time and His way) I praise God for His wisdom and caring protection of me. He really does know what my heart needs and when.

  4. 404
    Simply Sara says:

    1. Gods. I see their confidence- whether it's real or not, and think that they have it all together…at the same time wishing I did too.
    (That is until I started reading this book!)

    2.The difference between men and women insecurity- Withdrawl/cling.
    Yowza! Hubs and I can completely relate to that one!

    3. Omnipotence.
    With good intentions. I want people around me to be free & happy… but if I'm being honest I do tend to take on the role of God and try to control people INTO happiness.
    Yikes!
    🙂

  5. 405
    Joybird says:

    Joy
    Single
    30's
    California

    I forgot to leave a note to Rebecca, 34, TN. I read your response to Week 4 and just wept for you. First of all I want to say how honored I am that you shared your struggles with us. I am so proud of your courageous honesty. You are not a black sheep. You are not irreparably broken. You are not a woman that no godly man would want. You are not an embarassment to the church or to Christ. YOU ARE the woman He came to rescue, just like me. We may have different histories and issues but we have the same need, HIM! Keep walking and talking with Jesus. He will not only deliver you but He has a beautiful, fruitful future planned just for you. Nothing is impossible to Our Saviour and King. I am praying for you and for your sister. Please know your name now lives in my heart and in my prayers.
    Love,
    Joy

  6. 406
    jenny hud says:

    1. this is such a tough question. i guess i would say gods. i've been thinking about these questions for a few days now and was unsure how to answer but i want to participate..i mean, that's the whole point of this community. anyway, i'd say gods i guess because i expect so much out of my husband. maybe it started with having older brothers and being a tomboy growing up, always hanging out and being closer with the guys than the girls. gods i guess.
    2. i think the main difference i see is that women for the most part see their insecurities as just "who they are". men, for the most part, mask theirs in trying to be king of the forest. the stronger they act, maybe they think they are fooling someone?
    3. holy cow…omnipotence. i feel as though i could've written that portion of the chapter. yes curiosity gets me sometimes but it's not as severe as the omnipotence. i especially try to "guide" us to what i am convinced is a better life. the whole "if my husband would ____ than i'd be _____. too true, too true.

  7. 407
    marthahelen says:

    These two chapters were incredibly timely and deeply profound to me this past week. Beth, you need to know if you can't already tell.. God IS moving! He is shedding light on major areas of insecurity in me. It excites me to no end because He reveals in order that He might work.. His accomplishing Word! There IS a secure woman in me somewhere and I can't wait for her to come out more and more.

    I still haven't gotten to talk with my husband about some of the questions that cpt 10 sparked but I intend to fully debrief with him soon. 🙂

    1. I definitely resonated more with viewing men as gods. Growing up I always felt such an insatiable longing to be loved and I always medicated that by telling myself "one day there will be a man who will sweep you off your feet and love you and be your everything." Well.. that was true, but it wasn't my husband. It's been Jesus all along. But that rude (i guess?? or bittersweet) awakening didn't come until some serious letdowns in my marriage. Even though I "knew" that Jesus was to be everything to me.. I learned it in marriage. Its not that I'm dreamy eyed about men all the time thinking they can do no wrong.. sometimes I admit I am disgusted with men. Its just that I want the fairy tale to be true in the human realm. As much as my husband fills me and meets my heart, he is a god to me.. as much as he lets me down and fails me or hurts me, he is a devil to me. This is true of my heart in the greater scheme of the male gender. Pretty sick and self-absorbed. I need to let men be men.. and not demonize them when they fail or idolize them when they do what I want.

    2. This one was harder for me. I don't see a lot of differences, actually, in the content around our insecurities.. meaning we both struggle with appearances, with careers, etc. But I see more differences in the way we handle or give outlet to our insecurity. Women tend to wear them on their sleeves.. sometimes it seems so easy to spot when a woman is suddenly overtaken with a rush of insecurity. Men's insecurities are more hidden and harder to spot. They seem fine most of the time, or at least just totally checked out, but obviously, that is not true. Withdrawal is HUGE for my husband. H.U.G.E. Thank you for sharing that.. it brought incredible freedom and understanding to me.

    3. Well, I am guilty of desiring after both omnipotence and omniscience. I resonated a lot more with omnipotence I think and it is kind of startling to me to realize how much I really do want to control/manage. Yuck. But I am definitely guilty of lusting after omniscience at times too.. My husband was engaged before we met and it has been hard to not feel insecure about that at times. One time I thought about searching for his ex-fiance on facebook just to see a pic of her (never seen her) and I felt that nagging in my gut, that voice saying, don't do this.. but I thought, oh its harmless.. then I saw how beautiful she is. I wasn't ready for the way it would shake me and send me into a tailspin of insecurity, self-hatred, etc. I just asked for the enemy to attack me, basically. Open myself right up to it.

    We think the more we know the more we can handle the situation. If we know ALL the facts and details, we naively assume, it will be less painful. I have never found this to be true!

    You are so right, Beth. When God brings the knowledge to us, its a whole different story than when we go out grasping and fighting for it ourselves.

    We are always trying to take things into our own hands it seems, aren't we? When the one in Whose hands WE are and IT is, is the only one really equipped to hold it and us.

    I surrender myself anew to You, Lord.. You are in perfect control of my life and You know perfectly all that I need to know. Help me to keep trusting You day in and day out, no matter what the enemy throws my way.

    Love you siestas. 🙂

    Martha
    Asheville, NC
    25
    married

  8. 408
    Lisa says:

    1. I can't say I can choose either gods or devils, but mostly just I see them as people like us. I have an awesome earthly father who started me out pretty grounded in this issue.

    2. Men need respect and to feel we see them at "manly men" who provide and protect. My husband and I have had a special celebration for each of our 3 sons when they turned 13 to affirm them becoming men. Several men gather to speak words of wisdom and give them letters or mementos of their transition to becoming men. This has been a profound event in each of their lives. Time will tell if this and many other efforts will help them feel their manhood in a different way than our society tells them.
    3. Omnipotence for sure! Beth I did every single thing you mentioned doing with Keith to my dear husband. I can totally relate to wanting to control those closet to me.

    Thanks so much for the insight again Beth!
    Lisa
    40's married
    Edinburg, TX

  9. 409
    Lynn says:

    Married, 50's, Montana
    1. My tendency has been as gods. My challenge has always been feeling inadequate, especially toward those I really admired.
    2. Men's tend to be more public-based, meaning based on expectations outside of themselves, caring for the family, etc. While women's are more internal-based, meaning based on our own expectations of ourselves.
    3. Yes, both. I was hit hard very young with grief – lost my brother, then my father with NO ONE talking about it. That puts you into an insecure, anxious mode that causes you to CONTROL (what little you can) your life. In my case excelling at school…..obsessed with it! The omnipotence certainly resonated the most, but there was plenty of trying to be omniscience also.

    Thank you, Beth, for listening so closely to God's call to you and for turning His insights into this book. What a blessed gift! Amen.

  10. 410
    Denese says:

    1. My historical tendency is to vacillate between the two, probably more on the devil side than on the god side.
    2. The difference that stands out in my mind is the way they/we handle our insecurities; their withdrawing and our getting clingy. It was also surprising to me that men feel they have to prove themselves to be men. I never thought of that before.
    3. I do find myself drawn to God's omniscience and omnipotence, the fact that He knows all and can do all brings me peace. I don't get quite so caught up in trying to exhibit those qualities myself because I'm still working at being in touch with my own inner workings.
    Denese
    50
    married
    Lakewood, NJ

  11. 411
    Denese says:

    Oooopppsss…lol
    Alright, I read a few posts and thank you Sheila,single,40's,MD– your comment on omniscience got me. And God definitely reminds me of Proverbs 3:5 frequently. I am always trying to figure out what God is doing…why might this be happening?…etc.
    BTW…I am never right with any of my assessments of what God is up to or how, so I am (God help me!) moving on!
    Denese
    50, married
    Lakewood, NJ

  12. 412
    texatheart says:

    I got a little behind due to spring break.
    1. In all honesty, I have an historical tendency to view men as devils. My alcoholic dad played a huge role in this I am sure.

    2. Not a whole lot of difference between the two insecurities. I always was taught not to chase the guys. I was not allowed to call a boy nor "chase" someone I liked. I am 55 and single probably in large because I never thought they maybe as afraid of relationships as I was. In some ways, I think it maybe easier for a woman to be insecure than a guy according to our society, even today.

    3. I grew up with an alcoholic dad who even after I shared my 7th grade knowledge of alcohol dependency, was not willing to make te choice to refrain from drinking that I wanted him to make. I took it upon myself, at 13 years of age, to monitor his drinking. I emptied bottles, I watered the scotch down, and I measured how much he was drinking at home alone. I was not very good at convincing him. I found myself vowing to always be in control and never to allow myself to be vulnerable to a guy again. It hurts to be disappointed by them.

    Jan
    55 single
    KS

  13. 413
    Anonymous says:

    1. I've always had trust issues with either gender but I've not had a god as a man in my life but I have had reason to distrust men but I have learned not to place the gender as a whole as bad.

    2. The differences I see is men hide their struggles so much better than women but the withdrawal connection was a light bulb moment for me even in my own struggle to get freedom for myself. The comment about withdrawal and cling made so much stinking common sense…I saw my mom cling for years but it was to keep as much control as possible…I knew she taught me well but never before now am I coming to grips with how well generational sin is deep within my psyche! Deep roots little did I ever understand the gardener that the Lord Jesus Christ is ??? He is so many many things, unexhaustible, Praise You Lord !
    3. Being the mother of a teenager I am learning all about how God will give you a nudge and how you need to obey that for the Lord is leading you somewhere with it. My youngest is the most headstrong kid I've ever known, he is my mother's curse for he is just like me and God is growing us up both together in HIM, if there was ever a child I wanted to control its him and be all knowing but I am having to "breathe" and say to myself, he is his own little person and teach him right from wrong and about God and LET GOD BE GOD! but MOST of all LOVE HIM…growing up my mother didn't validate her love for me but mostly pointed out my failures and being overweight so I gave up trying on either end of the spectrum. Thank God I was saved at 20 years old and married my best friend in the church where I attended. I battle the control thing because that is what I learned but having kids growing up I'm learning God is in control!

    The omnipotence/omniscience was so eye opening for me. You know how God shows us things but because we either don't want to understand or can't isn't He faithful to keep knocking until you get it!!! I've not known what to do with somethings and have been unable to handle some information that some people feel like you need to know and this has opened my eyes and my heart to guard my heart and mind and my life from the enemy setting me up for a trap. Power thirstiness and knowing too much about the people you attend church or biblestudy with can mess with you. I thank you for mentoring me in this community of believers, to God be the glory, Amen!

    Anonymous
    42
    Married

  14. 414
    Anonymous says:

    1.In my youth I probably saw them as devils due to family dynamics and those in my realm. After working with them in a man's field, I saw them through a real lens where there were good, honest ones and snakes.
    2. Men are insecure about being successful as a provider, sometimes fitting in to a group, and I think the younger generation of males are made to feel insecure if they don't have the gym physique. We all know about the short guy syndrome that many suffer from. Women seem to be insecure about so many more things like our appearance, our parenting,
    our housekeeping, our home and its niceness, fitting in to a group, are we interesting enough, smart enough and some women are so cruel to each other behind their backs. Men would just say to each other how they felt or instead of trying to pretend a relationship they would just avoid it.
    3.Omnipotence resonates with how I used to be. God has really transformed me. I was a type A trying to control quietly but persistently my children. I think I was insecure about my parenting due to guilt I felt about working. I tried to be supermom. I love this study because I want so many women to have the benefit of this knowledge while parenting. I recently learned alot of this and my children are about grown and I wish I had learned to let go and let God handle some things a lot earlier in life.

    Anne
    married
    50's
    SC

  15. 415
    Moose Mama says:

    I know this is late but I wanted to make sure to get my response on here anyway.

    1. View of men…gods or devils?
    I honestly believe neither. There is a certain man I view as devil not because of anything he has done to me…but to someone I love very much.

    2. Men's insecurities seem so sad to me. I'm not sure I can put it in to words, but there seems to be such a sorrowful longing to be understood, and yet they either don't know how to express it or our culture has taught them that it is "wrong" for them to express it. I see women having insecurities because of "stuff". And men having insecurities because they just doubt that they measure up.

    3. Which divine attribute resonated with me….OMNIPOTENCE!
    I could have written the list on page 211 that you wrote. I'm STILL trying to get over myself!

    Melana
    Sheridan WY
    Married
    50's

  16. 416
    Lisa V. says:

    Lisa v.
    Washington, NJ
    37 yrs old

    1. View of men — gods or devils? Gosh this question sure has stumped me. Went to #2 and 3 first and circled back here. My tendency… I can't say truthfully I've seen them as either. I know in my mind I've probably thought "weak" more times I care to admit. Maybe that has led me to not have too high expectations of men. So I certainly couldn't say I view men as gods.

    2. The difference in men and women's insecurities surely demonstrate that we indeed are two very different creatures. My observations have been that women compare themselves with one another too much. Men seem to not care too much about comparison. Women gossip! I don't think I've ever heard a man gossip. And gossip in my opinion is a big slice of insecurity. In my life, I've seen the insecurity of men that won't admit they don't know something. An unwillingness to be vulnerable. Men seem to me to need to at the very least put on airs of confidence.

    3. Oh sure! I know many women in my life that I've grown to know that have demonstrated the desire of omniscience and omnipotence with men in their life. I found it so funny how Beth talked about trying to get her man to read christian books and listen to CDs and try to be a cheerleader because I've done it too! But all too often my spirit told me that I have enough of my own spiritual challenges… kinda like the look at the plank in your own eye before pointing it out in another's. My husband has demonstrated spiritual growth in our life together but it only came about because he was led by HIM, not me. And recently my husband for the first time said aloud that it was me that led him to want to know more about God. And at that moment the first thing I said was "really???" and I immediately thought in my head, well he didn't read any christian books, or I didn't browbeat him to accept Jesus, … I , I , I … get the picture?. Just as quickly, I smiled to myself and knew it wasn't about my omnipotence. He saw a woman trying to love the Lord all on my own and he then turned to God to figure out his own walk of faith.

  17. 417
    April Nicole says:

    I am not quite ready to post my answers yet, but I had to say that I really like the idea about sharing songs. I did it once all ready, but I would love the get my Jesus groove on with some more tunes. Music helps me focus my heart. Anyway, I just wanted to give a shout out to my siesta who suggested this :O)

  18. 418
    Mischelle says:

    1. I would have to say both.
    2. In my own experience I have not seen much difference between the two.
    3. Omnipotence, just like you Beth I thought I had ALL the answers to my ex-husbands problems. I did a lot of the same things you did, to no avail.

    Mischelle
    46
    Madison, TN
    Divorced

  19. 419
    Anonymous says:

    This is to Anonymous at 8:44 on the 20th…I've been sitting here trying to find the words to convey how your honesty has touched me. I have spent most of my life feeling invisible…to the point of even crying out to God "Do You see me Lord, do You see me?" As for the feeling of being alone, that's also been a constant ache. Sometimes I get so tired of "running" just to keep ahead of it because it feels like it is going to swallow me up and I really will disappear. Like you, I know the Lord is enough but that's not where my thoughts and emotions always take me. (therein lies the problem, I know) But over the past couple of years I have become more and more convinced that only my relationship with my Savior IS the answer…and so I pursue Him, and He meets me where I am. The hitch comes in when I realize that I'm still not allowing Him to be my all in all. The Siesta who commented after your post talked of listening to other women talk about how their husbands were their everything, their world and completed them. How she would long for that. I listen to others talk about how God has become their everything, how He fills them…and I also experience a longing. Don't get me wrong, I know the weakness is in me NOT God. I'm the variable here. I believe God is good and righteous. I don't know if you will ever see this post but I just wanted to reach out to you and link arms so to speak and tell you that your honesty in sharing your heart spoke so clearly to my heart. God bless you Sister.

  20. 420
    sagreen125 says:

    1-I have tend to look at my husband and men as more God's.
    2- I look at mine as rejection and being criticized, and as I read about men and knowing my husband for 26 years now, and the more God pursues him and we talk. He deals with performance to get acceptance. How he deals when our finances have been awful a lot going out and not enough coming in and the pressure he feels. We both deal with different things.
    3- I deal with both, but omniscience struck a strong pull at my heart. We had left a church plant, not a good thing. As I looked back, I tried to find out more and more stuff they were doing. The church plant wasn't changing and I was getting madder and more angry and bitter. It wasn't until I stopped and forgave and and asked God to forgive me was their peace. It did nothing good for me. And asking God to forgive me for wanting to know the bad stuff.
    There was no peace.
    Beth thanks for this book, it has been so good. We just finished in our Thursday morning bible study at church for women Breaking Free. God knew I need this at this time.
    Stacy, Cincinnati, married, 40's

  21. 421
    battlewounded says:

    Alison, 30's, married, OK

    1. Devils. From Childhood, which I can't really explain, only wonderful godly men in my life.

    2. I see our differences in insecurity going directly back to our different God-given needs. Women need love and connection, so we feel insecure when we think we aren't getting enough of that. Men have a need for respect and to provide for their own. They feel insecure when those are not happening.

    3. I think resonate is too nice a word. More like an earthquake. A hurricane maybe. Yes is my answer to both.

    The story about your friend was so difficult to read. It's my story. Except I did marry the guy, and then became addicted to being a PI. Lord deliver me.

  22. 422
    MiChal says:

    When I finished reading chapter 11 this morning and picked up my maroon pen (I'm an Aggie, after all) to write down my response to this chapter's question, all I could think of was a cookbook I'd recently rediscovered in my pantry. It was a BBQ book that I'd given to my husband and, based on what I wrote in the inscription, I must have given it to him not longer after his affair came out.

    "My heart is in your hands." Ugh. I vaguely remember saying or writing that often during that season. UGH. In my mind, *he* was the one who had torn my heart to shreds and therefore *he* was the one that should fix it. And *want* to fix it. Didn't he see how much he'd hurt me?? Didn't he feel responsible to make it better?

    Well…not exactly. I'm sure it repelled him even more.

    I am who ***GOD*** says I am. Therein lies my security.

    (There's a happy ending to our story. That was 13 years ago and next month we will celebrate our 22nd anniversary. It was an amazing and healing journey. To God be the glory!)

  23. 423
    Pam says:

    I don't think I ever thought much of how I viewed men till reading the chapter and I can say it was ( I say was because it was when I was young) that I veiwed them as gods. My husband has since gone on to be with the Lord and I just have no desire to think about men :)He was the one you know and there is not another So I've lived that season. Not sad about it just in a different season.

    I have been kind of watching the guys and gals at work to see if I could detect insecurity in any of them. And I think I can. Some of guys get mad, some act silly, some don't talk. As for the gals I see a lot of them talking down about them selfs, I try and encourage when I here that.

    Omnipotence would be the one that resinated with me. I was always trying to make my husband:" happy". I think with my family as well trying to keep everyone happy. Man that was hard !!! I don't do that any more but when I was younger . It takes years to learn some of this stuff as we grow with Jesus. And thank God we do learn as we go ,Seems a little backwards sometimes like it is a little to late to be learning this. But God knows what is in our future so maybe it is for a different time , so I will just keep on learning. 🙂

    I'm a little late with this but been a busy week.

    Pam
    Campbellsburg, In.
    Single ( Widow)
    50's

    Love you all

  24. 424
    Val in KY says:

    OK – better late than never…I was determined to NOT be defeated.

    1. I think over the course of my life, I've seen men as both gods and devils. I looked up to my dad growing up, so he may have been a god to me. But when my parent's struggled with their marriage, he changed and our relationship is changed now, so I have a hard time "looking up" to him. I married too young to someone who was very emotionally abusive, so coming out of that, men were definately devils! But I love my husband – and I know in our 18-year marriage I have placed too much expectation on him and thought of him as a god…one that could meet ALL my needs. So I know I need to do better with that.

    2. In just knowing how my husband thinks (sometimes :)) I see him hiding behind his insecurities, but they don't define him. He definately withdraws (as noted on pg. 194). I've allowed my insecurities to define me.

    3. Boy – chapter 11 had me reading with my eyebrows up! At times I wondered if I was nieve and other times it had me shaking scared. We hear of infidelity in so many marriages even within the church and I've told my husband "I have feared that for us". Although he's very reassuring, I realize we need to have our armor constantly on against the devil's schemes. I think for me I struggle more with omnipotence–if my husband would only do _____, then he would be so much happier; or if he would NOT do ______ I would be so much happier. Again, after reading this chapter, I realize that God is the one in control and only he can break my husband's strongholds. I need to bend the knee on that one more quickly.

    Beth – thank you so much for your ministry, it has truly helped me grow my faith over the last 10 years.

    Blessings,
    Valerie
    Louisville KY
    40s, Married

  25. 425
    Kristi says:

    I feel a bit behind in my homework, but here are my answers for chap.10 & 11…

    1. My historical tendency? To view them as devils, for sure! My first husband left me when I was 5 mos. pregnant with our first child- for a man. I had tried to save whatever scrap of marriage we had left, but he just wasn't willing to fight for me. Left me devastated. Then one day as I was alone and talking to myself, I heard these words come out of my mouth… "Of course I'm having a girl. I REFUSE to add to the male population!!" (You guessed it. I had a boy. Surely, God had made an error!)

    (I'm 49 and there are 4 men in my life… Husband and 3 sons. But God is gracious and I love them dearly.)

    2. Differences b/w men's and womens' insecurities?? I don't really see much difference. It seems it mostly can go back to the basic I-want-to-be-loved-and-accepted-for-who-I-am stuff. Or the Am-I-doing-this-right? stuff. Even as I'm reading this book, I find my husband being more fearful that this book will bring OUT my insecurities that he's "working so hard to help squelch!" (Yes, his words!)

    3. Omnipotence, I'm sure. pgs. 211-212 practically described me! But lately, I'm coming to understand that my husband does not stand in my shoes; therefore, his walk is different from mine. And God doesn't need MY help in changing him. In fact, God doesn't even need my ideas!!! (Now, that's humbling.)

    Kristi
    Philadelphia
    40's
    married

  26. 426
    Kristin says:

    1.) I think I have to say both. I have always thought very highly of my father. As a child, I thought he could do anything. After suffering abuse from my first husband, I began to see men as devils.

    2.) Men fear mostly failure and women fear just about anything else. 🙂

    3.) Omnipotence – I want to be in control.

    Kristin
    AL
    30's
    Married

  27. 427
    simplebeauty says:

    I'm a week behind but I didn't not want to post a comment.

    1) I view men as gods. I'm glad this was something that you pointed out in the book Beth because it was something that the Lord has been working on dealing with me since I got into serious relationships when I was 19 and it really skewed how I handled them. So I'm really thankful this was addressed :O)

    2) I think that guys hide their insecurity way better than girls.

    3) I think a little of both. More so now that I've gone through what I have. I try really hard to control everything around me so that I don't get hurt again by anything. God is working on me in that area. Healing is happening and needed.

  28. 428
    Anonymous says:

    1. I am not sure on that, I don't think I look at them as gods or devils. I had a strained relationship with my dad while I was growing up, but I didn't look at him as a bad guy. I really didn't have many relationships with men until I met my husband at 25! I was intrigued by men, for sure and sometimes infatuated, but they never had a hold on me. Maybe I'm denying something or maybe I've just been married too long! I have a healthy respect for my husband, but don't look at him like a god to my world. He sometimes is a little more needy than I am and I have to step out of my world with God and the kiddos and take time for him.

    2)A man's is more based upon what he can do, like in providing for his family. How he shows he is a man by what he does. A woman's is much deeper and more complex than that and is more of a thought process? Does that make sense? It is more about what she perceives she sees in the mirror, how she feels about herself, her relationships – it's very relational?

    3. I would say that I have struggled with both. I have been a type A control freak who needs to know it all and God is still working on me. He's made a lot of progress though – I would be lying to say that I wasn't amazed. I knew He could work miracles – I just didn't always believe He could work one in me. I am just so completely humbled that He takes the time with me and then excited that I mean that much to Him!

    Katie
    Evergreen,CO
    40s
    Married

  29. 429
    cheryl says:

    I always considered them gods…until I married my 1st husband, then…well I have, by the grace of God, worked through that and see men as equally messed up as women and equally as wonderful.
    I think most men express their insecurities differently than women do. Some good some bad and for most of them it is providing for their families.
    I havent finished 11 yet so I will wait to answer those questions.

  30. 430
    Kit says:

    1. My father was a trial attorney who raised me with the concept that he was always right and never backed down on that so when I got older, it was hard to reconcile where I saw he wasn't right and what his words had imparted into my mind and many times I couldn't make that jump to reality. What ended up happening was that I expected my husband to be always right and of course, he couldn't live up to that and so deep rifts were furrowed into our relationship by my unreal and irrational expectations. So I looked on my dad as a god but couldn't transfer that misplaced adoration.

    2. Men's insecurities seem to be tied up in who they are, their ability to provide, the lack of respect they may have for others or themselves. Women's insecurities seem to be tied up more with the emotions, whether rational or not and we can very easily move from what we perceive as truth to false assumptions, thinking a situation is so or that someone thinks a certain way about us, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. When we make ourselves "gods" by thinking we could not be wrong about what we are thinking, we are setting ourselves up for a humbling fall.

    3. Omnipotent and controlling resonant with me. Since we had a big family and never enough money, I kept tight rein on the finances and allotted my husband a certain amount monthly. Only many years later did it come to light how emasculating that was for him and why having his own bank account is now so important to him. Because he knew he could never measure up to the expectations I had of him, he allowed himself in certain areas to be controlled by me – not big things, just insignificant ones, but they took their toll since he was tired of the fighting. One day the Lord spoke loud and clear to him that he was to stop allowing this in his life, no matter how much trouble I gave him regarding it. It has been many years and many situations but I am really so grateful that he listens now to the Lord and doesn't bow down to my tirades!

    Kit
    married
    60's
    Central Islip, NY

  31. 431
    KarenM says:

    Apparently my first post ended up in cyberspace. Will try again.

    1. I would have to say both god and devil. When I would first meet someone I would think "Oh wow! My knight in shining armor (god)!" Then reality would slowly dawn and I would see their other side. After the relationship was over they would be stuffed into the 'devil corner'.

    3. Between the two, I would say wanting to control has the upper hand with wanting to know everything filling in the gaps. I believe the control issue surfaced because growing up I was told I wasn't real smart, couldn't do anything right, etc. My first marriage seemed to prove it. After the divorce I had to do everything myself and do it well because I had 2 babies to care for. I decided that if it was to be done – and done right (in my eyes) – I had to do it all. I also discovered that I did my jobs well when I was working. The man I'm married to now is very stubborn and we've had a few 'wars' over what and how something is done. We usually end up compromising, finding out we were saying the same thing but just using different words, and it almost always turned out pretty good. I'm sure God got a chuckle out of our antics.

    And for the 'need to know', I use to be guilty of that. There are some things we do need to know, but NOT everything or every little, nitty-gritty detail. I have been hurt so much with what I would find out that at this point I just plain don't want to know. The scars run way too deep.

    What I do know is that God is in control and I am not. Period. That says it all.

    KarenM
    60s
    Married
    El Paso, TX

  32. 432
    L.s.R says:

    Lydia. OKC,OK. Single
    1. At times I think I lift up the male sex way too much, and other times I really don't think I give them enough credit. Honestly, I never really thought about my view of men until your chapter on it. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I really needed my eyes opened to this.
    2. It is harder to see men's insecurities…they have more internal battles. Women make their insecurities noticeable unconsciously.
    3. omniscience. Oh good grief! I have to know about everything! Again, I didn't know I had this problem (or it was even unhealthy) until I read this chapter!

  33. 433
    Sarah Vint says:

    1. I think men have been both to me. I thought my Dad was a devil because of all he chose to do (cheating on my mom, etc) and I thought of my brothers in the same way. However, I initially saw my husband as God (mostly because he was so in love with Jesus and was so different from my male family members).

    2. I actually was talking to my husband about insecurities in men and he seemed to agree that they most fear failure (no matter what it is) from providing to doing a good job… and in his case having a successful ministry.

    3. Oh goodness yes! I totally agree that we women are this way. We want to have it under control and know all about it. I'm a teacher and so my inclination is to both. It is so freeing I don't have to be either and I can still be loved by God!

  34. 434
    HIS Child says:

    In all truthfulness it has to the "God view". Looking back at things being left by my dad created that need to be good, better, the best". Then young womanhood kicked in and I realized that I could manipulate young men in their interest for me. I am so thankful for Jesus and his surgical precision with my heart. Oh the freedom in Him and the liberty of viewing things from His restoring power.

    I loved your recap on page 195, the whole polar opposites that exist between us. It brought a greater focus to me and allows me to process this truth.

    My peeps bring this out in me. I so identified with my man having the greatest capacity to effect my sense of personal well being and securtiy. It is getting better, however sometimes he can rock my world.

    thank you, thank you, thank you for this book.

    Celeste
    California
    40's
    Married

  35. 435
    Kristi says:

    1. I definitely have viewed men as Gods. I have a very unique, talented and strong-willed older brother, and my family definitely put him on a pedestal. I did realize this in college, but I didn't realize that I then put men I was dating on a pedestal. I think through my marriage, God has been slowly teaching me that He is God, not any person.

    2. I have often thought how tough it must be to be a man in our society. I really think a lot of men's insecurities stem from the performance-ism our culture is so fond of.

    3. Reading about the need to control made me laugh out loud in recognition. I first tried to influence my husband to do what I thought was best for him because he (and I) would be so much happier if he would just listen. Then, I realized that God was in charge of working in my husband's life, so I started to pray for him. Even then, I wanted to tell God which things about my husband He should change first- as if I knew better than God my husband's heart! I still fight the strong urge to jump in and tell my husband, or God, what needs to happen. Always a work in progress!

    Kristi
    30's
    married
    Montana

  36. 436
    Anonymous says:

    1. devils or gods?
    For years and years, I viewed men as devils for many reasons. I was married to one and worked for a few more.
    Then I married the man of my dreams and installed him on a pedestal that belonged only to God. He later proved he wasn’t worthy of that position.
    2. Men's & Women's Insecurities
    Men are so competitive and concerned with the impression they make related to the degree of their toughness and masculinity. You don’t hear too much about men wanting to be cared for and protected of course; yet women greatly fear losing these very things.

    A man doesn’t have to worry so much about his looks because “rugged” is good. (Remember, Matthew McConaughey doesn’t use deodorant. Imagine if we didn’t!) Even age makes men “distinguished” but sends women to plastic surgeons. So, I believe their insecurity about looks is nowhere near the level of ours – as shown by the vastness of the cosmetic industry.

    Also women are attracted to the image of “power” men give off because of their work positions – not that they have to be CEO’s, but they usually make more money than women do – plus they can fix anything and lift heavy stuff (or at least we think they can). These circumstances make up for not having “movie star good looks” (and in some instances are more desirable). Men are visual, so our expertise in the workforce or in the home isn’t the first thing on their minds when they meet or see a woman. Society and their own minds have placed men in a position where they call the shots as in who asks whom for dates (most of the time). Not being asked creates additional insecurities for women.

    Many men mentioned withdrawing when they feel insecure. Yet, when men won’t talk, the insecurity meter for a woman soars.

    Bottom line, I believe that the majority of women just want a faithful man who is honest, truthful, and trustworthy way more than a man with good looks and/or a powerful position.

    3. Chapter 11 – Omnipotence and Omniscience
    First off, your discussion of women predators was so on target. I’m like a bird dog on point when such women are operating in my vicinity and men are in the group. You have “advised” women during several of your studies to “quit flirting with married men” and to “go home and flirt with their husbands”. Good advice that I hope is heeded. On the bottom of page 205 – the phrase “Playing the harmless flirt” made me wonder: Harmless to whom? Only if both parties are single is flirting harmless! I loved your statement on page 207 that a woman who messes with Keith was liable to get your private counsel and “it won’t be pretty.”

    For omnipotence, I’ve tried to “encourage” hubby to quit smoking, eat healthier, exercise more, read convicting and inspiring Christian books, but through much personal work have concluded that he doesn’t want to change in any of these areas (except his reading material has improved). I have resigned myself to this conclusion pretty much in this area.

    Yes, God indeed does tell you when something isn’t quite right – confirms that your eyesight is not playing tricks. When you pray for truth, God will cause phone messages to be left at strange times or texts to be sent when you happen to have traded phones for the day. For real. The challenge is to not go overboard but it is really hard not to.

    I was very intrigued by your discussion of omniscience. Sometimes you may regret knowing too much, but sometimes in knowing more, you find out that your vain imaginings have made things worse than they really are.

    Texas60 married

  37. 437
    Aubrey says:

    1. I have definitely viewed men as gods more. Even though I've had some men let me down in life, I think I'm still mighty disappointed when my husband has a flaw/fault. I expect him to be there for me in every way and meet every need.
    2. I totally agree that women are more insecure about appearance and men are more insecure about their status/job/prominence.
    Aubrey
    26
    Married
    Hinsdale, IL

  38. 438
    Anonymous says:

    I think that men and women have the same insecurities, wanting to be loved, accepted and successful in life. The difference I see is in how we handle and act upon the insecurity.

    Meme
    Virginia
    Single

  39. 439
    living4God says:

    Lisa, married, 30s, Shawnee, KS

    1. According to our choices, my historical tendency has been to view men as gods, although I would not use that word. I would say that I have used them as my security. After my rape at the age of 13, I looked to men for love, acceptance and worth (that is after 2 years of anger). If I was not valued or important to a man (especially sexually) I felt I was worthless. Even though it was a male that traumatized me when Beth said, “…it’s girls you don’t trust,” she hit the nail on the head for me. I have been burned many times over by women that the accumulation of those little to large betrayals outweigh the magnitude of the one large betrayal. Ironic, I know but very true. In part, I also feel that my relationship with my father has some influence on that. He was a train engineer and so he was gone often, sometimes every 8 hours to every other day. Being that my older brother was a mommy’s boy and I was definitely a daddy’s girl I felt I got the short end of the stick. My father was old fashioned and didn’t show his feelings back then, I did everything I could to please my father and to gain his attention when he was home. Anyway, I feel I am emotionally dependent on my husband and so attached mentally, physically, and emotionally that my world falls apart if that connection is in anyway threatened. I have always felt like I needed a man to be happy, as I have never been happy with myself.

    2. I guess the main difference I see in men and women’s insecurities is simply the way that they show them. Women show them more abundantly and easily. It seems too taboo for a man to show or say that he is feeling insecure. Where with women I feel we are freer to vocalize a lot of them, especially to our significant other. At least, I know I do. Yet on the other hand I can see some women who are so hardened that they show (or don’t show) their insecurities just like a lot of men. Then I see a handful of men that who do (or don’t) show their insecurities like many women.

    3. Unfortunately, I think both resonated with me especially in my relationship with men. I have always tried to control things in order to feel secure but in all areas of controlling my husband (or previous mates) have been the largest recipient of that weakness. It’s been a hard road especially since I am now married to a man who is hard headed and is newly convicted. So no matter what I tried or would try he wouldn’t change. Even if it was a change he wanted to make just because I pushed it he wouldn’t do it, at least not on my time or my way. I am coming to realize as I ponder this that this wasn’t always the case and has probably been some of the recent turmoil in our marriage. I think I used to be able to and he got tired of it. I never thought of wanting to know all the details of his life, past and present as trying to play God but Beth’s analogy makes perfect sense. I think I thought that since I wanted to share all my life with him he should with me and that is what total honesty in marriage was. I only wish I knew this 12 years ago before I got married at 18. It would have saved me tons of heartache. At this low point in my life, I am still so insecure that I battle with wanting to control things somewhat but even more I battle with wanting to know every little thought and detail. I always thought it was my husband who caused me all my pain but now I see that after the initial blow of pain I continue to cause myself so much more pain. That in itself is a hard revelation to swallow let along knowing where or how to stop myself in the future. It is a deep embedded habit that’s going to take a lot of prayer and practice to change.

  40. 440
    Shellie Paparazzo says:

    I know, I know. I am so far behind! I'm trying to catch up, though. I'm definitely commenting on this one though, cause it hit home on SOOOOOOO many levels! Oh, before I forget,(again!!!)

    Shellie
    Moscow, Idaho
    Married
    35

    1. I've gone back and forth on this one, cause as I've looked at my life and how I treated men, I realize that I think of them as devils. One of my favorite sayings and most common one's was "Men are pigs". Maybe that goes back to having a father who, at best ignore me, and at his worst moments, beat me. And the guys I dated weren't much better. That's when I started saying that "they all only want one thing." I don't think I really have to explain what that one thing is, do I? I think you all get it. I still have a tendency to think that way and don't trust them much. Not even my own husband most of the time. But I also seemed to always need a man. It was as if I was absolutely desperate for one of them to love me, in order for me to be okay. But then when one did (my husband) I hated him for it, cause I didn't think I deserved to be loved. (Talk about being messed up.) So, I sort of see them as gods and devils, which I think you sort of hinted at being a possibility for some of us.

    2. I was actually very surprised by how much alike we are. It definitely gave me some insight as to what might really be going on when my man doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It's probably not really me. What a thought! You mean, the world really doesn't revolve around me? You'd think I'd have figured that one out by now! But one thing, I noticed, that you kind of mentioned, is that one guy. Seriously, in all my worst nightmares I've never had one where I was "too thin" as if that's possible and I've actually heard of other men worrying about that. Not a concern here, although, when I was younger, I was accused of being too thin. I even had a pastor in all honesty and with great concern ask me if I was anorexic. Totally not the case. You should ask my husband. I ate like a pig and never gained a pound (please don't slap me). Boy, are those days over! My last doctor's appointment the only complaint my doctor had was how much weight I'd gained and that I needed to hit the gym. I've been doing better with that lately, by the way. For 2 weeks now, I've worked out three days a week. Hopefully I'll increase that next week.

    3. Oh, my gosh, did I so relate to this one! I can't tell you how many times during me and my husband's many arguments that I've heard myself say, "I know what you're really thinking…" and proceeded to tell him what he was "really thinking" as if I really know, right! And I definitely, once, hung around a website I discovered my husband had been on, for way too long! I really should not have sat there and stared at that woman for so long, wishing I was her and my husband would look at me instead! Although, I totally understood why he didn't! He sure does now!! Oh, yeah, you didn't need to know that, huh? Okay, I'm done now. I think.

  41. 441
    Kris says:

    1. Have been too close to men all my life (first as a tomboy then working in a male dominated field) to see them as either. I have always recognized that they are just as human as we are. Fortunately and unfortunately, it gave me a lot of insight, so I never got tangled up with a really bad one, but also wasn't dazzled enough to give many relationships a chance.
    2. Definitely agree with the person that said men's greatest insecurities lie in being respected and women's in being loved. In my field there aren't a lot of defined "ladders" and titles but undefined levels of leadership and respect. The men's insecurities are painfully obvious. They fall all over themselves to be the one that is listened to. The few women are more concerned that everyone likes them.
    3. When I first got to the this section, I thought Omniscience – easy! But it got harder. I so desire to be omniscient with the rest of the world (to every detail!), but not my husband. I am so secure in him, that there is nothing I feel I need to pry for. Of course I asked him about earlier girlfriends when we dated, but I never felt the need to request details. However, I am far from omnipotent in other areas, but I do have those tendencies with him. I don't nag, but I do little things ALL the time that might push him into action to be happier, healthier, closer to God, etc. And I do take control of things in our household. I don't want to, but it is a case of if I don't do it, it will not get done. I want him to take the lead on some things, he says he wants to take the lead on things, it just does not happen. I would like to just not be there to take care of it a few times and maybe he would take action, but you can't NOT do things when you are a parent with responsibilities and bills. I have struggled with this for a while and pray to God to give me some direction on this.
    Kris in Alabama
    30s and married

  42. 442
    My Household Junk says:

    1. My tendency isn't towards god or devil, but towards viewing men as the humans they are. How can this be bad you ask? Well, I find that I can make excuses for their flaws. Well, he just had a rough day at work and that is why he is so grumpy. Then again, he has a rough day at work and is grumpy EVERY day. I gravitate towards the wounded souls. My mom swears I specifically seek out fixeruppers. I assume, after this chapter, that is because I want someone who won't be better than me or worse than me, but insecure like me.

    2. I show my insecurity by withdrawl. I just flat out give up and take a nap. My husband gets angry and blames everyone in the world (no literally) for the problems except for himself.

    3. This just made me realize how much of a give-up-girl I am. I met a man in college and dated him on and off for 7 years. I knew there was something going on. Random women I had never heard of or seen before would just show up, be around all the time for a week or two, and then disappear into the great wide world never to be seen or spoken of again. He spent a of of time in chat rooms and made no secret of visiting the local strip club frequently. I knew it was going on, but I never wanted to know more. I never asked. I never spied. I just pretended it wasn't there. I didn't ask him to stop. I didn't even bring it up. I didn't try for either O, just the O that might keep his attentions my direction.

    I don't want to know all about other people's business and I don't want to tell mine. I want people to stay out of my business.

    As far as control, I like controlled chaos. I like to just let things unfold as they will. My husband declares on a weekly basis if not more often, that I am seriously lacking in discipline and I should want to have more say and more involvement.

    I guess what I have realized as I clamor on for hours, is that my insecurity presents itself by showing disinterest or ignorance.

    I don't even bother to step outside to see if there is a tree at all.

  43. 443
    God's girl 68 says:

    I'm trying to catch up after spring break, a great break with a BSF retreat.

    1. I tend to make men (especially my husband and Daddy) gods.

    2. I see women, self-included, more insecure over areas of appearance such as weight, fashion, etc. Men seem to be more hung up over careers and physical domination in sports or anything with competition. My husband and 3 boys tend to turn everything into a competition. Who can finish his sandwich first? Who can spit (or do other bodily functions) the farthest? I mean – give it a rest already.

    3. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I came under such conviction by the Holy Spirit about my tendency to try to be omnipotent. For me, that is much more of a challenge than trying to be omniscient. I don't care so much about knowing it all. I want to "manage" what I do know especially with my precious family. This has come at me from so many sources at the same time. I have been trying to play god in my family's life. More often than not, this occurs in my thought life and I refrain from speaking. I have head knowledge of my problem and keep it to myself but I sure think through what would be best as if I know. Oh, the arrogance and spiritual pride.

    So thankful for this walk we're taking to security in the Lord alone.

    Leigh
    41
    Married
    Montgomery, AL

  44. 444
    BreadBagstoPieTins says:

    Michele
    Liverpool, NY
    40s
    single

    1 – Historically, I’d say I see men as devils, likely due to the fact that my childhood victimization came from the hands of my father. I took that view to God as well; it has been so hard for me to learn to trust God because I’ve been afraid he will let me get hurt again.
    But I was always more comfortable around guys than girls. I’ve never been comfortable as a woman (page 189). Most of my life I couldn’t even say the “w” word, and even today I avoid saying it if I can.

    3 – I’d say omnipotence resonated more, because I have had a hard time trusting God, I have been terrified to admit that I am not in control.

    One thing that struck me was on p.212 when you said you can’t control someone else. I may be taking it beyond the context you intended, but all I could think of was – yes you most certainly can control others. You shouldn’t, and it’s not healthy, but I grew up in a house where four people were completely controlled by one person, because if you tried to stand your ground you would regret it. I have a lot of lost time from my childhood, but I do remember one time as a young teenager when I told my father I didn’t like him. Enraged, he picked me up and threw me across the room.

    That aside, I had difficulty trying to apply the concepts of chapter 11 to a more “normal” adult relationship because I’ve lived alone for 15 years and haven’t had a date in 9 years, so I haven’t had anyone close enough to make things like prying applicable. And in that time I came to know God and he has been changing so much in me, idk how I’d react in a close relationship.

    The only thing that seemed to relate was 18 months ago when I got laid off from my job due to lack of work. I was totally shocked and confused. I thought I was secure there, especially with all the letters after my name.
    Months later, I had lunch with the president who was a good friend of mine. He told me that there was work available, but someone wouldn’t give it to me. He wouldn’t tell me who was involved or why they did it, and not knowing that bothered me. It still bothers me if I think about it, but I didn’t pursue any other ways of trying to find out. Without knowing, though, I feel like I can’t trust anyone from the company, even though it was likely only a few people responsible.

  45. 445
    Karen E says:

    1. I have seen men as gods — particularly my dad and then my husband. That is FAR too much power to allow another human being to have.

    2. We get insecure about different things, but we display (or hide) our insecurities in similar ways — pseudo superiority or withdrawal of self-revelation.

    3. Omnipotence resonated most with me, but my urges to control have to do more with circumstances than with people.

    Karen
    separated
    40's

  46. 446
    Debbie C says:

    Debbie C
    53
    Sterling Heights, Michigan
    Married 31 years this year.

    1. 1st I envisioned my husband as a God. He could do no wrong. "Who he was" was entirely "who I was." Wow. What a shock when he fell off that pedestal. 2nd I envisioned my husand as the Devil. He could do no right.I started second guessing everything he did; everywhere he went; everyone he was talking to; every email; every phone message, etc, etc. I wore myself out trying to control everything about him. 3rd Once I re-found my GOD, I envision my husband now to be just human; flaws and all. He is a child of GOD just like me. An imperfect being. I learned I had to cut him some slack; after all God has cut me slack. I have learned that my husband has to want to change and I can't change him.

    2. I was surprised to learn that men have just as many insecurities as women. In some cases, the same insecurities. I never realized how hurtful, demoralizing, ill-mannered I had treated my husband throughout the years. I didn't do it on purpose; but felt I had the right to retaliate for everything bad he had put me through. Boy was I wrong.

    I am finding that the more I am in the word and the deeper my relationship with GOD is, the more humble I have become and the more empathy I have for my husband.

    3. AS I was reading Chapter 11, I felt I was reading a story about myself. I remember doing the same things; Once I found out something was going on, I was like a guard dog. I wouldn't let it go. I had to know every thing, about everything. Yes. It's true. I wasn't prepared to handle everything I found out. I knew something was wrong, but that wasn't enough. I drove myself crazy trying to figure it all out. In the end, my insecurity grew stronger and stronger.

    Not that I am justifying what he did; but the part about women who deliberately set out to get men whom they know are married, really opened my eyes to my husbands situation. I know understand how it was possible. I have much empathy for men in my life and pray that the women will wake up and take care of themselves so they don't have to stoop to these kinds of tactics.

    GOD has had to really work with me to hold me and mold me into the person I am today. Slowly but surely, the insecurity is melting away and being replaced with GOD security. I think back about all the hard work I did only to make me feel more inferior than I already did.

    I thank GOD today for the husband that I have (warts and all) and that my husband has chosen to stay with me (warts and all).

  47. 447
    Heather says:

    Heather
    Married
    30's

    1. I would have to say that my historical tendency was to view good guys as gods but guys with 'issues' as devils. I can't seem to clump them all in one group.

    2. You know, I never really thought about my day-to-day observances of men's insecurities. However, women insecurities are easier for me to pick out probably because I'm insecure about the some of the same things. There are alot of women in my family who are insecure about almost everything. They make an excuses about almost everything or they will put down others because of their insecurities. But after reading this chapter my eyes are opened to men's insecurities. I am so happy to read about them because for some reason I didn't think men had many insecurities or they just handle them better than women do. This will help me with my own sons and husband- understanding how they react and what things cause them insecurities.

    3.Both omnipotence and omniscience resonate with me in different situations. I could relate to so many of the stories that Beth shared about 'controlling' her husband. Just the other day, I was telling him to do something the way I wanted done. I was getting really frustrated. Later that day, I apologized to my husband for forcing my way on him because God reminded me that I cannot change my husband, but that He himself can and He can do it much better than I can! 😉
    The second-omniscience- resonated with me because about 6 years ago I ended a friendship because it was a toxic relationship and God had told me it was time to end it. So I did but I was hanging on to things that needed to be let go and I would get hung up on what she was doing or if she was spreading gossip about me, etc. All the work on trying to find out information was exhausting and not really necessary. I didn't feel better about myself and I just needed to let it go because God was going to take care of it. It took me a couple of years to completely let the friendship go.

  48. 448
    Somethings Gotta Give says:

    1. My historical tendency has not been either to view men as gods or devils. I've always seen everyone equal with different purposed, and I've never thought one gender different from the other.

    2.The differences I see between men and women's insecurities is women seem to more specific about what she is insecure about and her insecurities often come in view of how others portray her. Men seem to be a little more broad "fear of failure" and withdraw more when faced with insecurities.

    3. I truly deal with the whole omniscience-omnipotence complex. When I feel like I cannot control what I do not know.

    Have a blessed week.
    Kim
    married
    30

  49. 449
    katie says:

    Katie
    MN
    Married
    29
    4wks pregnant after a misscarriage in January (GOD is soooo good)

    1. I think I view them more as devils, I tend to expect them to use or fail me!

    2. Males are more outward, job focused and for women insecurity is so internal. I was just talking to a friend about working out but I don't want to go to our community workout room because their are mirrors! I don't want to watch myself! Hello that is why I am working out!

    3. omniscience
    I want to know everything, even with God sometimes, I want to know why things happen!!

  50. 450
    Denise says:

    To #2: The times in our marriage when I've been most insecure is definitely when I started clinging more. If the men in my life have insecurities – which after reading this chapter I know they do (or have) – they've definitely held it in and, if anything, avoided or withdrew.

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