Hey Everybody! I am so proud of you guys! Your discussions have been tremendous. I am especially happy that so many of you have jumped in with us late and gone back to the very beginning, signed in, and added your answers to the previous weeks of our book discussion. Way to go! As we moderate, we give the same attention to the comments on the older posts as the ones that are up-to-date. I promise you that community and active discussion will make your journey far more meaningful and hold you infinitely more accountable.
Ok, we’re about to get to a part of the book that I found highly interesting in research. The next several chapters involve the insights from the men’s survey and I bet a few of their comments will pop your eyes open, too. In the mix of what we have ahead, we’re going to be focusing on men-related insecurities then soon after that (in coming chapters) we’ll focus specifically on women-related insecurities. Each of us has a tendency to be less secure around one gender than the other and, according to the survey of over 900 of you, we’re almost evenly divided between the two. I pray we’re going to gain insight into some gender-related insecurities and stumble upon some much needed freedom. I really want you to read the portions about the men even if you don’t have a mate or a specific man in your life. If we have resistant, resentful hearts toward men, we can’t just avoid them altogether. They comprise the other half of our population so it really is imperative in our pursuit of wholeness that we get a grip.
Your assignment for this week is to read CHAPTERS 10 AND 11 and answer the following question:
1. Based on Chapter 10, in all truthfulness, has your historical tendency been to view men (generally speaking) as gods? Or devils?
2. Based on Chapter 10 and your own day-to-day observances, what differences do you see between men’s insecurities and women’s?
3. On p.208 in Chapter 11, I suggest that women who struggle with insecurity tend to be particularly taken with 2 divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience. Did either of these resonate with you? If so, how?
We are liable to have some LIVELY conversation this week! I can’t wait to see it happen! Just one little thing I want to throw out there: some of you may have some pretty big hang-ups with men because you have a background of abuse like I do. If it plays heavily into one of your answers, by all means, share what pertains but I’ve learned along the way that it’s best to stop short of graphic descriptions. Most people have a hard time knowing what to do with those kinds of mental images. I’ve told every graphic detail in counseling situations but, publically, I try to stay general. It’s just too much for most listeners and readers. They have compassion but they just don’t have the answers. We know Who does.
Go for it, Girls! I’m so honored to take this journey with you.
Anonymous 
to the two ladies who responded to my post.. Christine Sweet and Anonymous March 22 12:17
this is "Thibby" (hey, i'll take it). thank you guys so much for healing and life-giving words. whats hardest about this kind of thing is not feeling like i can tell many people because it's really HIS sin and i don't want to blab that around. so its wonderful to have this community here where prayer can be sought in some amount on anonymity. man, i wish sometimes we could pick the things God causes us to struggle with cause this was one i was sure i could never handle.
my husband and i are actually already in counseling b/c of the physical violence and we'll see how this thursday goes when this will come out. he is willing to get some accountability. so these are good signs and things to praise God for. i still feel so broken hearted i hardly know what to do.
i will look into the book but he's not a big reader at all.
thank you both for praying.. it helps a lot to not feel quite so alone.
Anonymous, 20s married
"Thibby"
1. My tendency has been to view men as gods.
2. Men seem to hide their insecurities to the "world" better than women. Most women I know wear their insecurities on their sleeves!
3. Definitely omniscience — sometimes I just feel like I gotta know what I probably don't gotta know. If I had my husband's email address, I would probably check it. And for what? (We're going through a time right now and I'm trying to give him space but it's really hard and I want to know what he's doing and such. Omniscience is my enemy…) In this case, what I don't know, I don't need to know.
Cathy
Married
40s
Birmingham, AL
1. In all truthfulness, in my past I looked to men as devils, however through the grace of God my heart has softened, Praise His Name.
2. With my day-to-day observances I have seen men try so hard to prove they are men and women don't try to be women we just are, but we deal with a lot of fear of losing our womenness or at least our ability to attrack as women, beauty on the outside not in. It scares us so.
I definitley waffle back and forth between men being gods and devils. I want so badly for them to be gods, but deep down I fear they are all devils. Eek! This was such an eye opener for me to really evaluate how I view men and to realize that they too face a ton of insecurities that impact their actions. I'm so glad to have healing in this area and to really SEE them as men and neither gods nor devils.
I resonated most with omniscience. I have done way too much "investigation" out of fear that someone is lying or will lie to me. I have such a difficult time just trusting the providence and sovereignty of God in some situations, especially those involving men.
Looking back, I can see how these misconceptions and insecurities have affected relationships. This study came at just the right time, I'm so ready to leave all of it behind and continue on to true security. God is active!
P.S. this is my first post on the blog!
Single
29
3. Omnipotence!!!!! This is too funny, as I was listening to your book on audio Chapter 11, conviction hit me so hard, this morning I placed another small quick book for my husband to read, which would help him greatly, in the stack of his reading material, all of which I had placed in the past, needless to say when I got home I immediately got it and put it back on the shelf, laughing at myself. Thank you for being so transparent!!!! Blessings.
Debbie
This study is incredible and gets better and more powerful with each chapter. I kept delaying the read of Chapter 9 for one reason or another. Last night was the evening that I was truly meant to read it. I'm at a crossroad. I am currently unemployed and have had a home up for sale for almost a year with no sale in sight. It brought tears as I prayed that prayer outloud to my Lord – I prayed for direction and financial peace and released some heavy burdens I've been carrying. God is using you, Beth – you are touching so many lives with insights given to you by God, all for His glory. What a powerful prayful chapter – one that can be used time and again. I'm ready for Chapters 10 & 11. You are a blessing…
Amherst
50s
Single
Carolina Cheesehead – I was so excited in reading your post because I remember when I figured out that my husband was not my knight in shining armor (who couldn't stay on the horse) but Christ was. I laughed, I cried, I was an emotional wreck dancing around because it was such a freeing time for me. And then I kept reading blogs and saw how you came back to say how you were scared that you would offend someone. I just want to reach through cyber space and hug you. God bless you woman – you made my day – TWICE!
Rene
40's
Claremore OK
Married
Kate
Baker City, Oregon
Single
20s
1. I have the tendency to view men as gods, when really, they are simply men and mess up just as often as women do.
2. Women's insecurities are much more "out-there" and we often wear them on our sleeves and the emotions of being insecure drive our actions. Men are not as obvious in their insecurities, but there are definitely there, down deep in their heart and threatening absolutely everything he is. However, we as women, do not see it so we think it is not there.
3. Omnipotence. I am a Type "A" personality and like to control things around me. I try to take the power away from God when, really, I just need to let it go, and then much of my insecurity would disappear.
Blessings to everyone!
Single
40s
MD
Dear Beth,
You are wrecking me with this book. I'm afraid to read the chapters and afraid not to. "I'm half agony, half hope" (to quote Jane Austen). I'm keeping up though and this is my first time commenting.
While I took your warning to heart about chapter 7 and expected many emotions from chapter 9's assignment, I was moved to tears for the first time by chapter 10. Don't know why, but am sure God will show me (and will no doubt use you to do it).
1) I've seen men as unfeeling devils while longing for closeness with one. My dad was not there for me emotionally and interestingly, the quote from Mark "I see men like trees, walking" is so apt. My father was an alcoholic until I was 10 yrs old but not a sloppy drunk. When he came home inebriated, my mother would say he was "high as a Georgia pine tree" and since he was also 6' 4", in my 7 yr old mind that image stuck.
2) I see mostly the fear of failure causing insecurity based on observations of my young adult son whom I raised as a single parent. Don't have a man of my own to observe (yet).
3) Not off the charts on either but would pick omniscience since I'm always leaning to my own understanding to trying figure out Jesus, the One and Only (what's He doing, why is it taking so long, etc). He is a constant source of mystery and intrigue to me. But I do KNOW He loves me and I love Him too.
And you too, Beth!
Loving this book.
Chapter 10
1)I would say that I think looking back at the way I was when I was younger men have been gods. I was obsessed with them. I would do anything for them.
2) The way I see men and women handle their insecurity are women dress the part, men always dress the same.
Women share their insecurity with other women , men just don't talk about it.
Women want company or just someone to hold them, men I think try to keep others at a distance.
Chapter 11
1)Resinate with me! Beth you pegged me!
I am so omnipotence. Thanks for pointing out how controlling I am!
I knew I was a control freak with my kids but I backed off I never realized I just shifted over to my husband (or maybe I was always with him too).
On page 211 you describe me to a T. I thought all I was doing was helping him be happy. (I am glad I am not the only one who does this.) Now I see I was trying to make me happier. I got a kick out of reading that page. I must be the biggest pain. I am going to be very aware of what I suggest to him from now on. I know in Gods perfect timing He will make my husband perfectly happy. I know he is off to a good start God put us together:)
Thanks for this chapter it was fun. I still need help.
Rosie
50 married
Tacoma Wa
I have tended to look as men as devils. I think I have seen them speak one way, and then their actions do not line up with their words, so I have seen them as not to be fully trusted.
2) Most men I know withdraw from arguments with their wives, so I guess I see the withdrawal thing. I think respect is very important to men, so if they feel they are put in a situation where they may not increase in respect, they do not try it.
3)I think I struggle with both wanting to know everything and controlling everything, but mainly wanting to control. I do not need to be the boss, I just need to keep everyone SAFE.
Married
40's
Nancy
single
late 30s
1. For me, it has been both -I often make men out to be the villian, attributing them with negative ideas. But, the man who I let close to me can become almost God like. And all my life, my father has held a high spot which made it hard for any other man to live up to how I esteemed him.
2. It seems like a lot of the insecurities are the same, but that they manifest themselves in different behaviors.
3. Both of these resonated with me, though omnipotence has definitely been the stronger of the two. However, as I noted with my group, omniscience allows for greater omnipotence. When I have been meshed up in the mind of another with excessive knowledge, I have had greater ability to control.
1. Devils or gods? I’d say a bit of both – devil due to the victimization I endured and a god because of the domineering stepfather who made life very difficult.
2. It seems guys suffer more in the “doing” of their lives; it's performance based value. Women aren’t as driven by performance as they are by what others think of them.
3. I seem to teeter between them both but omniscience wins out. The needing to know thing? That can really drive me to know more than I need to. I’m not talking about knowing what my husband is doing, but my teenage daughter? Now that is what I can get a little crazy over. I struggle to balance her privacy with my insatiable desire to know what’s going on in her life. And yes, I’ve read her diary. I’m not sure if I’m proud or ashamed of the fact. I appreciate all you’ve said on the topic and one point is so very true. What to do with the info you get? You can’t confront them. Then what?? Information can be difficult to deal with. I’m still praying this one through. What to do with your child when they won’t talk to you? I don’t harass her with questions, but the desire to know is hard to handle.
Karen
Married
40's
Virginia Beach, VA
30's / married
Rogersville, TN
1. I do not think I consistently grouped men, as a group, into one category or the other. BUT, I absolutely viewed a few – one in particular- as a god, and was devastated by his early passing. No doubt I worshipped him. I've also thought of one or two as devils, however, my historical tendency has not been extremely strong to either side.
2. I was really struck by pg. 194-195 by the withdraw/cling analogy. That is so true, although I never really considered it before. In my own estimation, I see bragging/pride somewhat more obvious as a manifestation of men's insecurities and self-loathing or self-pity more typical of women.
3. "People who are chronically insecure often have an overwhelming tendency to become control freaks"pg. 209……BUSTED. The funny thing is at some points in my life, I have tried to be much more controlling than I am now. However, there are still many areas I feel the need to manipulate and control.
1) gods
2) The way they display (or don't) their insecurities. Then there's also the little voice in my head that tells me that the insecurity/pressure of living up to providing for a family seems to carry a little more weight than some of my own insecurities.
3) Omnipotence – hands down. You actually pegged me on pg 209 (to which I highlighted and wrote "ouch" beside). "We feel most secure when our environment is in control, and since no one is able to control it to our satisfaction, we decide we have to do it ourselves." <– That's me. Now that I see it I pray God helps me change it!
1. My tendency has been to view men more as gods. Much damage was done to my self-esteem through not being noticed by them…not feeling I measured up, wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, etc. I think I thought that finding a guy would validate me. Low self-esteem and insecurity eventually led me to marry the wrong guy. (My mom says she thinks I married him because I didn't think I could do any better.) After that marriage failed, I married an amazing man. Then I set him up as a god, poor guy. That's a lot of pressure on a man! Two years into our marriage we found a church and returned to God, and I've since let him off the hook as my god.
2. I think a lot of men have their security wrapped up in their jobs, in their ability to provide for their families. I know my husband gets great pleasure and self-esteem out of providing for us. If he's having a tough month, he comments that he feels like he's letting us down, that he's not doing his job (to take care of us). He has told me that it makes him very happy to take care of me. It feeds his worth. As for women, I think our insecurities are more in how we think others see us. We worry about our beauty, our weight, how we act, what we said, what people might be thinking of us and how we are being perceived.
3. Omnipotence and omniscience…did either of these resonate with me? Oh my sakes alive, yes! I have pried into my husband's past, wanting to know how many women he's slept with, details about past relationships, etc. AND WHY??? It only hurts when I find out…and these women have NOTHING to do with me. He always says, "Why do you do this to yourself?" I don't know. As for omnipotence, here's where I torment him about why he doesn't read the bible (yet he has a considerable knowledge of it), when does he pray, how does he pray, why don't we pray together, doesn't he want to grow spiritually, etc. He loves God and is a man of integrity. People who know him know he's a Christian and I think his life shows people the character of Christ. But because his spiritual life doesn't look like mine, because he's not demonstrative, I feel like I need to make him more of the spiritual leader in our home. I want so much for him to take the lead, and so I interrogate him. I don't want to be annoying, but I don't like feeling like the spiritual leader of the family. Certainly prayer would be a better way to go about this! 🙂
Lisa
Happily Married
40
Bothell, WA
Anonymous 12:27 am. I have gone through that as I've gone through this book. I believe it is the enemy lying to make us feel as if we are alone and have valid reasons to feel insecure. This is what he has said to me, "See, it might work for them, but you really are pathetic. You have no security so why bother?" On and on and on. I came here and posted the other day because I totally felt invisible in my life. I completely felt hopeless. I was in completely and utter agony. You know what happened? I finally confessed to someone "with skin on" how I was feeling and we talked through some things and she encouraged me to pray through my house. I started walking through my house and praying through every room and praying the blood of Jesus over our home and all of us and the more I prayed the more I felt it fall off of me. My circumstances haven't changed, but my mind has. I am not going to let the enemy convince me I have no value anymore. I will be praying for you.
To Kerri from Kansas City: Your honesty in your post about "spying on facebook" really spoke to me. I have often felt that facebook is almost too much for someone like me, who just has to know or wants to know everything. I often feel a little nudge from God saying, "This isn't healthy". I don't need to know everything about my past boyfriends' current lives or about those who hurt me once. In some ways, it has been liberating to actually make peace with people I might not have ever had the chance to otherwise, but I can see that it can be a dangerous place for me.
I asked my husband what he thought the differences between men and women's insecurities were. He right away said men are insecure about failing and about not measuring up as a man. Then he said he didn't know why women are insecure, he doesn't understand them. 🙂 He eventually got around to "they compare themselves to others and are competitive for their insecurities." Things like, I'm not pretty enough or thin enough, etc. Interesting….
Week Six:
I tend to view men both ways. Until I get to know one I view them as gods and then when I begin to see their vulnerabilities or if they treat a woman badly I view them as devils.
Based on Chapter 10 I see men's insecurities are usually based on performance and results rather than on being.
I believe that we as women are taken with God's omnipotence because even as we try to contol everything, we really want to know someone is in control; His omnicience because it is comforting to know that Someone with much greater wisdom than I is at the helm and omnipresent because He was there all my life and through all the hurt that I suffered as He cradled me in His loving arms!
I love what Barb said about Christian fiction. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that type book, but I think it can be dangerous as far as the expectations we set for our man in shining armor!
Chapter 9 was great. I was able to spend that time with God and really think and pray over the issues. I certainly feel less insecure and know now that God will continue to help me overcome.
Now this question about whether men are gods or devils – it is hard to wrap my mind around that. My experience with men has been great. My husband is very secure even when crisis comes and we have been married for almost 45 years and things have certainly happened in those years. We had financial problems with a business a few years ago and even in that he was secure in the Lord. As I read this book and think about the insecurities that I have dealt with, I wonder why when I have God in my life and a devoted husband! It is definitely time to let it go!
Thank you for sharing your life and showing us what God can do.
Married, 64
Well, today i can use some prayer from all the secure seeking siestas. Because of my past insecurities when it comes to men i will be meeting for lunch today with the wife of the man i had an affair with 6 months ago. Those insecurities led me down a path of lies and more insecurities. I'm done! I will be reading the prayer over again in chapter 9 as i begin to prep for this meeting. Beth, I am currently combining this book along with your Breaking Free bible study to break free from the bondages of patterns of insecurity that breeds a circle of bad behavior when it comes to my need to have male friendships over female. I have complete peace with this lunch and wear a crown of forgiveness. I am trading these ashes in for beauty.
lj
married
50
Well, today i am taking a step of faith! Because of my past insecurities when it comes to men i will be meeting for lunch today with the wife of the man i had an affair with 6 months ago. Those insecurities led me down a path of lies and more insecurities. I'm done! I will be reading the prayer over again in chapter 9 as i begin to prep for this meeting. Beth, I am currently combining this book along with your Breaking Free bible study to break free from the bondages of patterns of insecurity that breeds a circle of bad behavior when it comes to my need to have male friendships over female, among breaking free from other insecurities we have all talked about. I have complete peace with this lunch and wear a crown of forgiveness. I am trading these ashes in for beauty.
lj
married
50
First I want to say thanks to Beth for comparing men and women in a more comprehensive way. I think the tendency of authors is to over generalize both sexes in terms of stereotypes – which can be exhausting to read! There are differences between the sexes no doubt, but we are also very similar, and what may be true for one guy or gal may not be true for another. You made room for that, so I thank you.
1. I've thought of men as gods simply because my brother was always favored as a child, and I projected that onto God – that he must favor men as well. So I've always thought of them as having an edge over and against women. This has made me treat men as both gods and devils.
2. I see men's insecurity related to a fear of failure, as mentioned in the book – often played out in a drivenness towards success/status.
3. I have never thought about trying to take on God's rightful attribute of omniscience, but how humbled I was to realize this is true of me. I strive towards knowing things that don't belong to me. It is God's place to reveal to me not only things in life, but also truths of his word. And I get impatient and probably end up short-changing what he wants to do in me.
1. I have a tendency to view men as gods and as devils. But lean more towards treating them as gods. After being in 10 year emotionally abusive relationship I have learned to put up walls around my heart. Yet when I allow those walls to come down and get involved with a man then I treat him as a god. Which is so unfair to him, because it does nothing but set him up to fail.
2. Honestly, I don't observe that many differences between men's and women's insecurities. I think the difference is how women handle their insecurities. I know myself, I become this needy annoying woman that some of those men commented about.
3. Omnipotence more so than omniscience. I desire control over knowing every little detail of someone's business.
Ginnie/Florida/44/Single
Rachel
30s
Blaine, wa
married
1. Both gods and devils. Kinda depends on my mood and who the guy is
2. I think they act differently about them. Hide them quite often more successfully than women so you don't realiize they have them (supposedly)
3. Omnipotence AND omniscience. ugh. I think I want to and try to know everything but go craziest without the "controll". It occurs to me that part of the reason we want to and feel the need to controll is because in our insecurity we feel controlled by others and our insecurity so we feel it is possible and necessary for us to control someone/something. I am not sure how well I explained that but my kids just woke up and are running rampant so I must leave it at that. Just glad I had the chance to comment this week:) loving the book!
I just wanted to comment on those questions about what a mother can do when her child is abused…
Believe them. And don't make excuses for the abuser.
When I told my mother that my uncle had molested me at age 6, she actually said, "Oh, he was not right anyway." Totally excused his behavior b/c he's not all that smart anyway??? Didn't that leave me feeling so special!
Then! During a hospitalization for depression secondary to being abused/raped, my 4 yr old son was molested by the husband of the friend who was keeping him for me while I was in the hospital. I was devastated!!! But the first thing I did was to believe him and I went to the ring for him and fought to have that guy held accountable! Here, he was molesting his own daughter too.
My son is now 23, he's very capable, strong, sure of himself (sometimes too much). He doesn't even seem to remember that incident. But I'm so thankful he's not struggling with negative effects from it. And I simply believe it's because I "heard" and took HIS side.
So, soooo very important.
I'm sure there's more involved than this, but I can't underestimate the importance of being believed and fought for.
Opps, put my comments on the Spring Break date – Sorry
1. I have seen men as gods. I have really great role models of godly men in my life, and I've always been a romantic. So I was under the assumption that I would meet Prince Charming, he'd forgive all my faults and love me as I am, and we'd live happily ever after with him taking care of me. I did meet my Prince, but it is a joint process of loving, forgiving, changing, and accepting!
2. I think men's struggles are more externalized (career, friends, physical ability) and women tend to deal with issues wrapped up in our physical and mental identification (how we look, speak, think).
3. Definitely omniscience. I like to think that I have everything figured out for everyone else. "If they could only understand…they'd be fine." It's hard for me to be wrong…one point of contention early in my marriage was that I always finished my husband's sentences (and was usually wrong, lol). I had to realize that I needed to just listen and hear his unique thoughts rather than impose my own.
1. Generally I have viewed men as gods, because I have placed so much value on how they see me. If they see me as beautiful, desirable-that is good. If they reject me, then I am ugly and undesirable, unloveable. This view is ungodly and worldly and needs to change. Praise God I am beginning to look at myself how God sees me, and how my Redeemer sees me.
2. I most definitely agree with how we react differently to insecurity. My man definitely withdraws and I cling, usually at the same time because his withdrawal triggers my insecurity.
3. Omniscience. For some reason I believe that if I know everything about my husband, including what he thinks, I can ward off any potential of hurt to me by "correcting" him. (sounds omnipotent as I write this).
What a job!! So tiresome because it is not my job, nor is it within my power, to correct him. Only God can accomplish this.
And only for his divine purpose, NOT for my security!!!!
Kim
40's
married
Trenton, Ohio
In all truthfulness, it was hard to determine my tendency because I didn't realize I did either. But honestly, I would have to say "gods" because there have been a few I've put on a pedestal. I'll use my dad as an illustration because he was the first I ever put on a pedestal. I definitely realize now that he was not perfect and, although a perfectionist by nature and a very good man, he would not even desire to be put on that kind of pedestal.
The difference I see between men's insecurities and women's from a personal day-to-day observation in those I know best are: for men, the fear of failure to provide and achieve for the benefit of their loved ones, and for women, it deals more with comparisons to others or relating to others. I know this answer can be different in different people's circumstances, but am using examples from those closest to me.
Omnipotence. I so much know the better way and what would make my man happier and better. HA! You got me on this one. Definitely need to back off a little – no, a lot – on this one.
Dianne
Hartselle, AL
Married
50's
Robin
Cleveland, TN
married
50's
1. I think God's-for my husband can make me feel more secure than any one on earth. He can cheer me up when I am down and make me feel like I belong when no one else can.
2. When men are insecure they tend to try to prove themselves to make themselves feel better, or they get snippy. Me I get quiet and withdrawl from people. Women a lot of times admit to ourselves when we are way over our heads, even if it is in our own minds. Men can't admit it even to themselves.
3. Omnipotence or omniscience a little of both. I want to be in control so I won't get hurt, and do this in a way that I feel as if I am in control and know how. I have let God open my eyes to the fact that people who are control freaks are most of the time insecure people themselves. He is leading me to believe that making a comment or a suggestion and let God do the rest is best, just plant the seed God has given me to say.
In week 8 of Breaking Free on the audio Beth you told us that even if we don't feel as if we fit in at church we must remember that we fit in with Jesus, and we are a perfect fit. I needed to hear that right now. Satan is making me feel as if I don't fit and to be reminded that I will alway fit perfectly with Jesus is what I needed to hear. Thank you Jesus for that timely message.
I'd have to say men have mostly been devils in my mind – even to the point that I never respected male teachers in high school or college. Besides my husband, there have been practically no men that I've trusted. (Not really even my pastor.) Not sure that it's even a big problem – except, of course, for the fact that I have two sons. 🙂
I saw my husband in your descriptions of their insecurities so very clearly. It made me feel for him so much that I am now praying that God will show him that he is a Man. I think the big difference with insecurities in men and women is that men fear failure, because it lessens their manhood, their "person", their value as a human being. Women, mostly, maybe just want to be secure, loved, and therefore, valued as a person. God did create Adam first – to lead, to provide, and Eve second – to help him.
I'm glad I'm more able to see what motivates my husband's moods, so that I can let go of trying to control him. That certainly lets me off the hook for him. God knows what he's doing. Thanks, Beth.
Julie
Alabama
30's
Married
Sherri
41
Missouri
Single
1. I tend to view men as gods, in the fact that I feel I need to be in a relationship with one to feel whole. I also tend to wrap my life around that guy, whoever it may be; I remember my best friend telling me that I think everything this particular guy did was interesting, even when he goes to the bathroom, I thought it was fascinating!
2. Men seem to worry more about their accomplishments in life, what they have to show for themselves; women seem to worry more about their relationships in life, what they can do for others.
3. I am the two headed monster. I want to control everything and everyone. Excuse me, if you could do it my way and in my time, we both will be so much happier. I even want God to fall in line! But I also have to know everything, I could relate to the story in the book. Christmas was the end of a bad relationship for me. He told me he wanted to see someone else, he was seeing someone else! Instead of just letting go, I wanted to know why, when, where did they meet, how come I wasn't enough. Why do I have to know all these other facts? He isn't with me anymore should be all I need to know; he wasn't the one…why do I have such a difficult time moving on!?!?
1.Do I view men as god or devils? It's so incredible for me to think about this and make the connection with where so many of my insecurities started. I have 2 older brothers and an older sister. My brothers are 8 and 6 years older than me. I was picked on a lot being the youngest. Don't get me wrong…my brothers were and are great guys, but their taunting could be pretty mean spirited sometimes. My perception was that my sister was accepted by my brothers, and I was their target. I wanted so desperately to be accepted by them that I became almost willing to be the butt of their jokes just to get their attention. It's interesting that when I think about some of the boyfriends I had before I married, I chose guys who treated me the way my brothers had. I'd grown so accustomed to it that I suppose I looked for it. I'm now thankfully married to the sweetest man on earth who would never belittle me, but I struggle with feeling stupid sometimes. Whenever I make a mistake I apologize profusely because I think he's thinking that I'm stupid. It's so crazy!!!
2. I think women tend to struggle more with a need for acceptance and fear of rejection. Men, I believe struggle with being afraid to be vulnerable or not in control of their emotions. My husband has such anxiety in small groups and social situations yet can go to work and speak in front of 500 people!! He's more comfortable wearing his "work" mask.
3.I learned the very hard lesson about my problem with omnipotence through my relationship with my daughter. Beth, you're right…by the time she reached adolescence, it was a family free-for-all. My insecurity was wrapped up in how her actions and choices reflected on me as a mother. My struggle with her strong will started when she was 3 and had been made worse by the fact that her dad had died when she was 2. We clung to each other more like sisters, but when I needed to parent her, she wanted what SHE wanted. We were both grieving and broken. When she was a teenager my need to control her led to a need to know everything (omniscience). I had remarried and she now had younger brothers who were affected by our volatile relationship. When she was 19 she moved in with her boyfriend…I then had a choice…I could go crazy or I could surrender her to the Lord. I chose the latter, and God has given me such peace. I pray for my daughter everyday, and she knows how much I love her. I don't like the way she chooses to live her life, but I've let go of that need to control her. She's on her own journey. She's 22 now, and I've invited her to come to the SLI simulcast in April. Please pray that if it's God's will, that she will come. Thanks.
Laurie
married
40's
Beaconsfield,QC.
To DOUBLE J:
What you are about to do takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. May God provide that for you today.
I have come to understand why affairs can happen and it has a lot to do with insecurities. My husband felt validated by the woman he had an affair with. Something I failed to provide him with as his wife. There is much more involved with it, but suffice to say that we were both not giving the other the things we needed from eachother. The affair hurt but it opened our eyes and good things came out of it. Your courage to face this woman may do the same for her and her husband. You are a good person.
Angie
50's
Married
Canada
I am inseure about posting a comment. This is my first. I just started reading So Long Insecurity so here are my responses from week 1:
The last time I came face-to-face with insecurity was last Sunday. I was feeling disappointed in my marriage—he can't hear me , see the real me. Neither can my children. I feel invisible, insignificant alone, lonely. I am worried over the prospect of re-entering the workforce–I can't do it, no confidence.
The definition of insecurity–what resonates with me is the chronic self-consciousness and chronic lack of confidence in myself and anxiety about relationships. It is exhausting being me! Insecurity limits me. I almost said no to a leadership opportunity in women's ministry. I agonized and deliberated over the decision for weeks, seeking assurance from close friends that I indeed had what it takes to be a successful leader. I almost said no!
I have felt insecure as long as I can remember. Chronic or what!?
Men are gods to me more than devils.(probably because I grew up with a military Dad)
Men have fear of failure (can I provide for my family?)
Women have fear of relationships (do they like me?)
Omnipotence, I lean toward control of situations, circumstances, even others at times but not out loud. Mostly in my mind, others may not even know that are around me.
40s
Florida
April
Lake Charles, LA
Married
30s
1. My tendency has been to see men as gods. To do what it took to please my husband (within reason!). Or to allow his moods/emotions to define mine. This isn't a really strong tendency, but I do see it at work in my life.
2. I think men tend to be insecure about their performance, and women tend to be insecure about relationships. My husband will feel insecure if his work isn't going well even if all the relationships in his life are great. I would only be insecure in that situation if I thought my work situation would affect my relationships negatively.
3. The desire for omnipotence resonated with me. There have been so many times I have tried to control my husband either as a way to get my security needs met or because I honestly thought I knew better than he did (which was probably true some times but not others). When I boil it down to its root, I think my desire for control really shows my lack of trust in God more than just a lack of trust in my husband. I don't always trust God to take care of me even if my husband makes a decision that makes life more difficult for our family. (Not that my husband has ever given any evidence of contemplating anything sinful or truly harmful, just things that could make more work/less time/money for him/us.)
Gods or not Gods? I guess both. Somehow never looked at them as devils. Women were the powerful ones in my young life. Some of them devils? you bet. I made the men Gods because I was so insecure in myself. I was convinced that I had to marry in order to survive life after college. Then came that time when I was screaming "your not my father" to my husband, yet I had made him that.
I 'm so used to being controlled that I wonder if I ever was the controller. I guess I tried.
When I first became a Christian at age 40, I read a lot of books about Satin and warfare. Because of my molestation, there were strongholds to be torn down. I do however agree with you that one can open too many doors or dig too deep.
Tammie
married
50's
Week # 6 (3.18.2010): Chapter 10 & 11 :
Chapter 10 "Neither God or Devils"
1.Both, sometime they live parallel lives…my vision was also clouded by the trees. When I received Christ as my Personal Savior, I also began to form my relationship with my husband to be. The two were often entwined as one, which obscured my vision for a long time. When you fall in love with two at the same time and the disappointments come they made me question both Christ & my husband. But after many years of struggling and holding God accountable for my struggles I was able to see that my heavenly father is the on "One & Only" that can never fail. I now place my wholeness in Christ and I am able to be the woman God created me to be. Learning each day to love , respect and honor every person in my life. When the challenges come or my values are threatened I am reminded of where I draw my strength & conviction. My source is Christ Alone the perfect Lamb of God.
2.Men aren't as sensitive to their own insecurities and are much more forgiving of themselves and others including women. They handle them allot better and forget them much more quickly then women.
Chapter 11 "Eating From The Wrong Tree"
3. Yes they sure do I like to think I can control most situations in my own false sense of confidence & omnipotence…aah. The most profound statement you made I found was on p. 203 "You may have realized that if you look up to Jesus before you look out at men, He will joyfully will restore your sight." Thank you again for your transparency & faithfulness to guide us through our insecurities to a place of the "All Knowing & All Powerful God."
“Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.” (Titus 2:14)
Patsy
40 Something!
Married 29 yr's ("Submission Ministry")
Jackson, NJ
Im soooo far behind! I went to Dc to visit my daughter and was able to keep my grandson for the week while the parentals worked. 🙂 then came home to babysit my other daughters 2 maniac dogs. Im catching up though.
Shaminder
30's
Married
Toronto,ON
I'm not sure whether I view men as gods or devils- though I know that my moods vary according to my husbands mood, especially when we've had an arguement.
The difference that I see between men's insecurities & women's are
a) men fear of failing as providers though this could also apply to single working mothers.
b)men fear failure to prove themselves as men. Women don't relate to this fear-they have other issues eg wight gain,loss or trauma, feling unloved etc, but not this one.
I can relate to omniscience since many times I wish I could know or see it all( As a child I wished I could be at two places at one given time).This is especially true when I'm feeling deeply worried.
Beth, I feel like I need to say this out.We have only one computer that everyone shares in the living room but my kids just got cell phones. They leave their cell phones just hanging around the house. When we pry into our children's texts & go through all their stuff, won't they become sneeky & hide things away from us. I feel paranoid that I'm not checking through all their stuff, but again wont that make me a control freak?
Hi LPM gals! I’m new this week, and I hate I’m jumping in so late but I recently discovered the blog and thought I’d join in the discussion.
1. In the past, I’ve typically seen men in disdain–as devils. (What a way for a newbie to break the ice, eh? LOL!) However, the part in chapter 10 spoke so strongly to me—neither “loathing or avoiding men, but being emotionally enslaved to them.” In my past I put my self-worth in the hands of men (boys!) so many times, and always came up short. I allowed them and their opinions of me to hold so much power. No more!
2. I think the big difference between the insecurities that men and women have is that women are much more vocal about their insecurities. Women will often say to each other out loud, “I feel fat today,” or “My hair is driving me crazy!” or, “I feel like I’m being a bad mom.” I never hear men vocalize these kinds of insecurities, or any insecurity for that matter. In fact, I was shocked that so many men were gut-wrenchingly honest in the survey!
3. Both of these attributes resonated with me so strongly! I’ve never been one to want to take “control” and be omnipotent, but ever since I got married last year, this has reared its head quite often. I wish so badly I could just let my hubby be himself sometimes (toilet lid up, shoes in the floor and all), but I want to manipulate and control and change . . . I’m learning (with God’s help) that we truly can’t change a single person, but our prayers can.
I heard you loud and clear on the omniscience part of the chapter too! So many times I’ve made a fool of myself by digging too deep in a situation. I’m so glad you addressed this! I needed to hear it.
1. Probably gods, based on positive experiences of both my Dad and husband.
2. When I read Curtis' summary statement regarding men's insecurity being fear of failure; what resonated was, "Yes, this ties directly to a man's need for respect." And ocnversely a woman's need for love and acceptance is a primary factor in her insecurity.
3. Oh, both. I outgrew the need for omniscience in my 20's and it really wasn't so much in my marriage. But the omnipotence issue took a bit longer. I am the oldest of five and have a bit of a take charge personality. My husband is the younger brother who was usually comfortable with someone else being in charge. We had been married for over then years when I realized that I was robbing him of his authority. It was a challenge to change the rules regarding our relationship. And as I recall, I felt quite insecure for a time–I just didn't know who I was or how to define my role. But we are healthier and happier as a result.
Terri
Grand Rapids, MI
50's and married
I have so enjoyed reading and discussing your book with the ladies in our group. I have learned so much about myself. Since this is my first post, I just wanted to say thank you for writing this book!! I am a newby to the Beth Moore studies but I will not be a one time only!
Laura J
single
40's
Cary,NC
to Jaime I am praying for you and your daughter as you wait for the drs and the tests. God will hold you and give you the strength you need to face this journey whatever it may be.
Dear Mama Beth,
well Chapter 9 is still a work in progress. God has used it to open many doors and we are still exploring.
As for this chapter.
1. I have never looked at the whole group of men as one or the other. I think I looked at them more individually so depending on who and what my relationship with them was would determine if I thought they were gods or devils and to be honest I guess I always thought each person man or woman deserves respect and so I guess I started there.
2. I think I realized men have insecuritie just as we do and that helped me understand my own dear hubby better. We suffered a job loss a few months ago and praise the Lord he has one now, but ti put things in perspective and I understand now why he was the way he was and why he is the way he is now.
3. I have to say I like control of things. I don't like that feeling of not able to control what happens to me or mess up my day or etc. Control reasonated with me like a neon light.
Mama beth I am learning a lot here on this journey.
love you
Tammy
44
married
Howells NE
Oh Beth,
Loved the cookout photos!
On to the business at hand!
1. Okay, I lean towards "gods", although, I know men are men and God is the only God. I have been blessed with a grandfather, daddy, and husband who seek the Lord and have always protected and built me up. However, even with that said, by the grace of God, I have realized that I must put my trust fully in my Father God in order to stay in a place of security. My men are awesome, but I create problems when I put them on a pedastool they were never meant to occupy.
2. Men's insecurities show themselves differently. Might I suggest a woman in moments of insecurity acts "weaker" while a man may act "stronger".
3. Certainly, there have been times when both control/power and knowledge have driven me. I would say on a regular basis, I struggle more with control. The fear that something bad will happen or things will fall apart if I am not in control…But, praise God, I am seeing more freedom in this area as God draws me closer in the Truth! There is such security in resting in the knowledge of the Truth that the One Who holds me is able to do more than I can ask or think!! His ways are higher than mine!
Thank you again for this book, Beth; and for always pointing to the Truth while recognizing that the stuggle is real and quite complicated! God has much to teach us through this journey (understatement).
Lori
Rock Hill, SC
married
38
I am a couple of weeks behind here, but am hoping to catch up with this blog. For week six, I would have to say that I see men as mostly trees walking. I usually don't see them as having much in the way of feeling other than sexual, so I don't engage much. A lot of the time, I don't really see women as much more that trees walking; often times it is just easier to not "engage", that way there is no conversation and nothing can be misinterpreted or skewed. I do not like to feel this way, and wasn't always this way. It is just that i am so tired of being responsible for everything to everyone. Which probably brings me to the third question of this day. I would have to say omnipotence is my problem. Oh, if I could control my family, they would be the Most successful, Most intelligent, and MOST attractive!! I am being fascetious, of course, but there was a time when our house was all about defying my control. I have been listening to your "My Determined Purpose" tape, and have to laugh, because I do hope that there are people praying for me!! I am much better than I was, but still have quite a long way to go. (Why will the children not listen?!?)
My husband once told me that he couldn't be worried about his appearance, because he told himself how great he was all of the time. He said that no one else was going to, so he just took it upon himself to let himself know how good he was. Kind of like that song by Kenny Rogers about the little boy playing baseball by himself. My husband is not only a great batter; he is a dang good pitcher, too!! Men will only let you see that side of themselves, but they hurt and bleed much deeper and more than we as women. We are not kind to our mates; not like they are to us.
On week six, I was able to do the prayer and I did it three times. To be honest, Beth, I wish that I could memorize it and keep it on my heart and in my mouth all of the time. My past has been very difficult, but it is time to put it away. One of my best verses is from Jeremiah "he wants to proper me and see me succeed." Another is from Ephesians about wanting to give me exceedingly and abundantly more than I can even imagine." Because my family is going through a very rough time right now, I am leaning heavily (did I say HEAVILY) on the verse about faith believing in what we cannot see and knowing He is in our future. (Do you like how I have these verses in my heart, but not necessarily by chapter and verse?)
Another of my favorites is that we are to be as innocent as doves and as sly as the serpent as HIs people. It took me a long time to figure that one out. And last is "the greatest of these is love." For without love, we have nothing; it will all have been for naught. Because of love, I and my family will be as Abraham and my love will be felt for generation upon generation. Oh, it is not easy to keep on loving everyday and all the way. But I will. My children need me, just as your's need you and I shall be there for them.
This bible study has helped me tremendously. I feel empowered at this point. Hey, I may be able to make it through your "Breaking Free" study finally!! Thank you all for your dedication to all of us and helping us to build our faith in our Father!! He truly is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do!!
Mindy