My hands have been frozen on the computer keyboard while I took in the pure profundity of this moment in my personal life and family life and, Lord, have mercy, my spiritual life. When I say that I am about to share something gigantic to me, I am not kidding. I am bug-eyed that this is really happening and it is everything I can do not to type these words to you from face down on the floor. My dear Siestas, it is my great honor to introduce you to my blood sister, with whom I was raised and with whom I shared a room for many years and many secrets. Some crippling. We have known much pain together and much devastation apart and were so close growing up that one of us could hardly be okay if the other were not. Today – and for this moment – we are both okay. And blessed. Redeemed. Forgiven. And, in staggering ways, restored. Only because of Jesus.
Years ago in a speaker/teacher workshop, the consummate Christian communicator, Florence Littauer, taught us to ask ourselves two questions before standing in front of an audience: “Do I have anything to say?” And, “Do people need to hear it?” I can confidently say today that, if Florence Littauer knew my sister and her story, she’d tell her to open her mouth and rarely shut it till God took her Home. Oh, Sisters, does she ever have something to say and do people ever need to hear it!
Please meet my older sister by three years, Gay Tuttle. She and I are two of five siblings who we love as much as we love each other. I do not know anyone well who has a more powerful and genuine testimony than Gay. Her rescue and revival flooded over into mine. God used her healing to add to mine. It is with the hope that God could use it to somehow impact you that I make this introduction. My heart is pounding with awe and reverence as we release her story – and at times our story – to the public. In her words. I have not edited a single sentence. Here you will find the first of several installments of this story of redemption that, God willing, we hope to share with you over the weeks to come. I don’t want to put her into a time crunch but you could reasonably expect them about 1 to 2 weeks apart. Pray for her as she writes to you. Sometimes we have to relive to RE-LIVE.
As I put her out here for the eyes of multiple thousands, I beg you from the deepest part of my heart to take good care of my sister. This is huge for her and huge for me. Allow her the freedom to talk in the language that she presently speaks and with the terms she presently uses. I believe you will be so blessed. Very few of you Siestas need me to say this but, because I do not want to throw her to even two wolves, I ask you to please refrain from preaching to her. Instead, receive from her. Just let her share with you a vivid flesh-and-blood illustration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. These won’t be articles for legalists. These will be articles for people who do believe or who want to believe with all their hearts that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1) If I didn’t believe you were the kind of people to embrace her with lavish affection, I’d never take this chance. But I know you, Siestas. I know she will be well cared-for here. By the way, she knows you a bit, too. She’s been reading the blog and many of your comments now for a year. So, without further introduction, my beloved Siestas, please meet my beloved Sister, Gay. I am now full-on crying.
Hi Siestas! My name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic. I’m not just any alcoholic. I am a serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. I drank just like that for thirty-seven years, all of my adult life, with the exception of the last two and three-quarter years. Today I have 1000 days of sobriety, nights included, weekends too, consecutive, all in a row, no breaks, no slips and no sneaks. Now, that might not sound like much of an accomplishment to those who have stayed sober all of their lives or for those who drink responsibly, but for ME, it is a flatout miracle from God!!
To be honest, Sweet Siestas, I have grappled with how to introduce myself on this most-esteemed blog until I almost didn’t come out here at all. Because I have been “raised up” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in our beloved Mercy Street, a church that ministers to many in recovery, the word “alcoholic” just rolls off my tongue. I don’t even think about it. It feels right, it sounds right, IT IS RIGHT!! It is a huge part of who I am and I own that. My God-given, God-planned deliverance from it is my testimony and I believe with all my heart that there are those of you who have, at the very least, people in your lives who have struggled or are strugging with some similar experiences and need some hope. That’s about as simple as it gets. I am quick to blurt it out for another reason as well, possibly the most important one: I do not want to forget. I believe that in order to LIVE what I have been delivered to I must REMEMBER what I have been delivered from.
What it was like:
I started drinking at seventeen years old as a rebellious teenager (loved it), continued to do it through the “functioning” years (tolerated it) and moved on to radical self-medicating simply to kill the pain, much of which I caused myself (hated it). I was given countless opportunities to recover and refused. By the time I got serious and very scared, it was too late. I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol, both mentally and physically, and I had lost the power of choice. So I threw in the towel and proceeded to try to drink myself out of my misery and miserable existence, to death. And I almost did, many times, but for the radical grace of God. I lost my husband, my children, my job, the trust of my family, my home, my car, my driving privileges, my self-respect, my dignity, my values, my freedom and the list goes on and on. I was confined to jails and institutions more times than I can count. I thought I was a certifiable lunatic because WHO would drink after all that??? And that wasn’t the bottom for me; I ended up homeless and on the street (yes, outside!) for approximately eighteen months.
What happened:
God intersected into my life like a burning bolt of lightning and in the blink of an eye my story took an abrupt about-face and became His Story.
What it is like now:
A thousand days of sobriety and a God bigger than life Who requires a lot of WORK from me, have molded and chiseled me into far more than an alcoholic. I am a loving and responsible mother, sister and friend. I am a dedicated employee and member of Mercy Street who believes in its mission and lives it OUT LOUD. I am a driver with a valid Texas drivers license and insurance, a car owner, townhouse dweller, volunteer, law-abiding citizen, taxpayer (ugh), sponsor, sponsee and recovery coach. I sit on three committees that are a part of the Houston Area Recovery Initiative for the fourth largest city in the country. I am a Servant and Lover of God who is fully dedicated to following His will for my life which is to share my experiences, both there and back, and offer hope of God’s deliverance for all who suffer from a similar seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I hope to offer a unique perspective, possibly even tilting the axis a bit (in a good way), of an intimate relationship with this most Mysterious Jesus God who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how far down the scale we have gone. I love Him because He loves me, all of me. He first loved me! I had been taught that as a child and had sung Jesus Loves Me since I could form words. Yet I had forgotten that while I was out there in the wilderness, pounding the hot concrete with bare feet. I didn’t know the love, grace and mercy of God until I walked off of that concrete and began the journey out of the pit, to hope and a future, to FREEDOM.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1-3
I am going to tell you my story, Sweet Siestas, if you care or dare to listen. I promise I will be honest and candid, direct and to the point. I will try my best not to ramble on about the problem without moving quickly to the solution. For me, not just any alcoholic, there is but One Solution. Not just any God. It takes a God the size of the universe, bigger and badder than them all, to accomplish for us and through us what we cannot do for ourselves. It takes the all powerful, all consuming, all merciful Crazy Love of Jesus and our full acceptance of who we are in and to Him. It takes a willingness to do WHAT HE ASKS, which is A LOT. It takes honesty and authenticity. This is Who I Am and it only matters what God thinks because of Who He Is. Then its Katie bar the door! Here am I, send me, all of me, scars, limps and all. And He will and He does because He loves us with a love that transcends all barriers and which is, well … indescribable. Brennan Manning, my second favorite author, wrote these words in The Furious Longing of God: “Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on.” Please bear with me, my Siestas, while I mumble and fumble to express the Inexpressible.
Dear Jesus God, You know that the absolute best prayer I ever prayed in my life was the simplest of all prayers: God, Please Help Me! I’m praying it again now, Dear Jesus. Please help me to be effective in Your world and for Your glory and honor alone. Please help me to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night, to the wounded and broken who need a shred of hope because everyone needs some, Lord. I love you with all my heart and soul. I am Yours, all of me. Amen.
Dear Gay,
I had a huge lump in my throat as I read your story. My beloved dad died 1 and a half years ago due to his alcholism. I have desperately wished that his children’s love and wishes would have been enough to save him. As the oldest I watched him got through the horrors of hospitalized detoxs that lasted for many days twice. After the first time he entered a treatment program for a short time. He struggled with the shakes and guilt/shame of wanting to be better. He loved us but couldn’t break free. After the second round of detox and waiting for a spot to open in a treatment program, the Lord took him HOME. I whole heartedly believe that in His loving mercy God looked at my daddy and said ENOUGH – I know you have struggled, are exhausted and filled with fear. You are LOVED come walk on the streets of gold.
Over the last year and a half I have struggled with grief, and understanding my dad’s journey. I long to bring honor to his life and have taken on the responsiblity of raising my teenage brother. I SO LOOK FORWARD to hearing your perspective. There are so many things about the struggle of addiction and the journey that I wish I could have asked my dad.
I whole heartedly believe that God is going to reach many people through your story. Your perspective and journey need to be shared!I pray that God blesses you and fills you with strength, wisdom, and love!
this means so much to me personally. i am married to a wonderful husband who suffered with being an alcoholic for ten years. he has been sober – and just like you gay, straight sober without any sip of alcohol for four and a half years. after many battles and discussions then, an intervention he has come to terms with the fact that he was an alcoholic. he went right into ‘cold turkey’ without any drinks and it was hard. but, with the Lord’s love and grace he did it and only by the help of our Savior. this is his claim as well as mine. he turned his life around and I am eternally grateful. we have a 13 yr old, a seven year old and a new seven week old. how beautiful to have these three boys see their father turn his life to Jesus and live for Him. i don’t know all the personal pain you have went through, gay, but as the wife of a once alcoholic, i have seen and felt a lot of it. Praise to God!
Gay, thank you. Having grown up with an alcoholic mother and now in a relationship with an addict, currently in recovery, I cannot WAIT to hear “your” story. It’s the brave people like you that so graciously and courageously share their story that help people like me. Gods graces and blessings to you as you continue your recovery process and share with us!!!!!!
God Bless You Gay, thank you for sharing
Gay, thank you for sharing, you are what this world needs, a person willing to share it all, to give God the glory. Oh, I could easily be you, and I have walked the path you have of feeling unworthy, but sister WE ARE LOVED BY THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE!!! and when you let that really soak into your soul, you are free indeed!!!
Amen! God is so good and I am so blessed to read your testimony. God will be glorified! Much love to you.
Gay,
Thank you for sharing so openly. Like others, I can’t wait to hear how God redeemed it all!
Beth,
Thank you for being secure in who you are in Christ to share the blog.
Peace,
Kim Feth
Apex, NC
Dear Gay, my sister-in-Christ,
Your courage is humbling and inspiring. I so wish that I could share your story with my beloved brother, but his alcoholism killed him 10 years ago. I have never written those words before. Ten years, and the pain is still fresh. I don’t even know you yet my heart is full of joy that you grabbed Jesus’ powerful and loving hand and let Him lift you out of that pit! Victory in Jesus!
I promise to read your story through your posts even though I know that I will be a crying mess like I am right now, and to pray for you and your life-giving ministry. God bless you, Siesta!
Love,
In Christ,
Sue from Chicago
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful redemption! Thank you for sharing your story to all who know those who feel helpless and hopeless in this disease or are those who feel helpless and hopeless in this disease. Share on, sweet sister, as He makes beauty from ashes and gladness from mourning!
Gay, thank you for giving others hope. Thank you for having the courage to open the rooms of your heart house to us. The miracle is that Jesus loves us with an unconditional, “just as I am” love! I am so proud of your 1,000 days of sobriety!! Take your time in sharing your miracle of God! We love you!!
Dear Gay…..our God does work in mysterious ways! Today I found your blog….today, the day I am telling the daughter of a friend of mine who has been living with me, that she has to leave. That my trust of her is broken, that I don’t want to hear any more denials and lies, that I know she is still drinking. I care for her, she is angry with me and literally throws all sorts of accusations back at me…..how do I help without enabling? I tell her I care for her and do this out of love but she doesn’t hear. I want to say…..just stay. But I know things are missing from my house. I thought to say “OK stay but whenever I leave, you have to leave too!” What is best for her?
You hit rock bottom…..but it is so hard to feel that I’m the one who will be starting her on that journey? Yes I know, she is the one who has made the choices….and this isn’t about me. It’s about helping her!
Where is the “to do” guide? I feel convicted in my heart that to keep “looking after her”, to keep “looking the other way” is not the answer.
And then God sent me your blog. Thank you for having the courage to write it.
Judy — My family had to let me go. I’m sure it broke their hearts to do so. That’s a story Beth will have to tell. They had to do it at the risk I would die. However, had they not I would have surely died. I didn’t die and in some ways, many ways, the bottom I suffered was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was a gift. I have worked like crazy to do as God has asked me in order NOT TO RETURN THERE. I wouldn’t trade one single solitary drop of the blood, sweat and tears it took to get 1,008 days of sobriety. God has blessed me out of my ever-lovin’ mind in return. The price I paid was little in comparison to what our Jesus paid so that WE CAN BE FREE!!! Oh I love Him so. I love you too, Sista, Siesta! Thanks so much for your post. Vaya con Dios.
Gay
Well Praise the Lord!!! Welcome home and thank you for sharing, I can’t wait to hear how God saved you and redeemed you!! So very proud of you!
“Those who know your name trust in you, for you Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10
(One of favorite memory verses).
Bless you dearly Gay!!
So happy to meet you. So happy for you and can not wait to hear your story. I can not wait to see what God has planned~ He is so gracious, so loving and so able!
thank you for your honesty!
God Bless
Deuteronomy 31:8
New Century Version (NCV)
8 The Lord himself will go before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forget you. Don’t be afraid and don’t worry.”
God will be with you during this challenge in your life just as He has always been with you, the difference is now you know it! And– now you are doing what you were created to do, it’s all His plan, not ours 🙂
Thank you Gay for sharing your heart and life with us. Tomorrow my Son turns 35 and in November it was 7 years sobriety for him. I praise and thank Jesus daily for hearing our prayers and keeping him safe. I look forward to the day he says “Mom I’ve come back home to Jesus.” I think we are close to that but in the mean time I am grateful I get to say Happy Birthday,I love you so much and I am so proud of you. So my heart is filled with Joy for you, your family, and your precious sister. I agree with the others. YOU GO GIRL.
Tell us more sweet Gay….can’t wait to hear how God pulled you from the pit. What was the catalyst for change? I am a nurse and so desperately want to know how I can make a difference in the lives of my patients who struggle with various addictions.
Can you even stand all these comments, Gay? And yet, compared to God’s well-done, this is little. He has delivered you and restored you and made all things new for His glory and your holiness. What a faithful God! I am so excited to see His fingerprints in your life. Encourage our believing hearts, Siesta Sister!
Gay, I love you! Praising God with you and your sweet sister! Your testimony is such an encouragement to many! What a beautiful story of deliverance and redemption!
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I can’t wait to hear how God got a hold of you. My mother is an alcoholic too. Thank you for the renewed hope. Our God is is a big God who cares for us. I pray that God continues to bless you and use you.
TO GOD BE THE GLORY GREAT THINGS HE HATH DONE!!!!
God’s blessing on you. So glad that you have found a way to use the past to be a light in the darkness of someone elses life. My strength growing up with an alcoholic was the church that taught me that God loves me just as I am and the peace in my spirit that that knowledge brought. Congratulations and God’s peace.
Congratulations Gay! You are a miracle of the Radical kind 🙂
Dearest sister, Gay. What a blessing your story is. As various members of my family are struggling with issues, some very serious, and on-going, I often grow weary and tired and discouraged. But then God, Praise His name, gives encouragement and hope, just at the right time and in the greatest manner!! Thank you SO much for sharing your testimony. For as hard as it was for you, we are blessed and encouraged. I have hope that some day our family will be rejoicing as your’s is today. God bless and keep you.
Thank you. Jesus God amazes me every day in every way. I’m Praising Him with you tonight. Jackiev
Welcome home!! YOU = “Warrior with Lipgloss” 🙂 HE>i John 3:30
Thank you so much for sharing your heart, His story… After being a church kid all these years and finally at the age of 32 was born again and hit mega culture shock;) Had no clue I didn’t KNOW JesusGod.. I’m the first of my kind in my little church and have been a outcast but God is doing mighty things! I know it may seem to some you and I don’t share much in common, but we share EVERYTHING in common… How good is our God?! I can’t wait to for you to share more and more:)
Praise HIM! You go right ahead and mumble and fumble because HE is amazing! We all need HIM, and you sister are sharing HIS redemption story in your life. It is an honor and privilege to hear. Thank you.
Sweet sisters you are so loved. LOVED. LOVED. The courage each of you have taken is sharing your respective life stories has blessed me, Me, more than you’ll ever know! I love you like I love my two sisters….over the moon and back! Keeping you both in prayer! As my mom would tell me every night before I’d fall asleep,”Katie, Jesus has a very special plan for your life!” Wow, Beth and Gay, what a special plan Jesus had and continues to have for your lives! AMEN!!!
PS- Although I won’t be with you in Huston celebrating with this beloved community, I will be thinking of you all from a fridgid Central New York! Have a BLAST!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! Praying for you as you open more of your heart to us! Thank you again!
Gay, “thank you” just doesn’t even sound right – there just aren’t the right words to express to you what it meant to me to read the introduction, if you will, to your story. But thank you so much for opening your heart to us. I’m not an alcoholic, but I sat here at my computer reading what you just wrote and cried – tears of joy that you are on this side and experiencing God’s UNFAILING LOVE in your life that has robbed you of so much. Thank you for being willing to share so that others will be encouraged and drawn to our sweet Jesus. Thank you for letting Him bring you through. I can’t wait to get to know you as a friend, just like I have gotten to “know” your sister. (Sorry, I wasn’t going to compare, but just couldn’t help it – I’m sure you don’t mind!) God bless you, Gay – I mean that! I’m proud of you, sister! Or better yet, from a new quote I love and just learned of by Burley Coulter from the book, Hannah Coulter, “All women is brothers”!
God’s timing is always perfect,just as we serve a perfect God. You will never know how much you have just blessed my heart. Your message was sent to me from you as an answer to prayer. I just got word last night that my nephew had to be entered into a hospital.He is a freshman in college. He called to say he felt like he might hurt himself. He is a Christian, been in Church all his life. Comes from a very good home life. We are brokenhearted don’t know what to do or what all he is into. I needed your message of hope today. God bless you and I will continue to pray for this ministry I don’t know what I would do without its support in this war we are in here on earth. WE DO NEED EACH OTHER DON’T WE. As we hold on to God’s hand together. Wilma
Gay,
Your words touched me so deeply, Thank you for opening up honestly, and with your candor, and being so real…. (I will fumble with words to express also)Jesus is REAL….so real, and everything else is cloudy compared… I also am walking a walk by the Grace of God (his grace is starting to really sink in to me) and he and his grace alone is changing me. I have been a functioning alcaholic for only 13 years. But I know that any appetite you feed grows, and I see direct consequences from my actions… I went through a divorce, a recovery program for adults who were victims of childhood abuse and thats when I gave my heart to Jesus and he became my daddy, the journey started there… (God will put people in your life, and so will the enemey) I finally decided God alone is the answer and his Grace, and not self medicating thru co dependent relationships or alcohal. Im proud of you Sista….. I know we both are in his Grip….
I love how God designed women to stand together through thick and thin, to share, love and carry each other.
That’s exactly what we do when we are brave enough to share our pain, growth and personal stories with each other.
You’re doing something special when you share your story, you’re allowing the Spirit of God to use you to teach us all. So thanks for that. It’s brave and kind of you.
Gay, bless you for your courage to share your
story. I am humbled and deeply moved. I look
forward to reading more from you.
With Honor & Appreciation,
Mary Ann
No words come to my mind other than THANK YOU!
Praise be Jesus. Rescue and Redeemer!!
Oh Gay, what an absolute joy to get to know you here on the blog and through the things Beth shares about you in the James study. I can hardly wait for your next installment. I have a feeling there may be a book waiting for you in your future! I praise God for what He has done in your life – and for how He is going to use your testimony in countless other lives. Can you just picture for a moment the day you are standing before the throne of God and people begin approaching you to tell you they are there because of what you shared? Oh what a glorious day that will be, dear sister. And, believe it – it WILL be! Hallelujah! Continue to give Him the glory, girlfriend! You are loved here!!
Thank you. Wanted to let you know there are men reading this too.
Honored to read your story… Blessed by your authenticity. Looking forward to reading more… and being in awe of God, yet again!! Grateful!
Crying over here! Gay, you are COURAGEOUS and brave. We serve a BIG God, and may He bless you abundantly for sharing your story, His story. I cannot wait to read and learn from you! Lord, shower her with blessing!
Thank you Gay, and thank you Beth for introducing us to your sister. It would be wonderful to see a picture of the two of you!
Thank you for sharing. God is great and good! All praise to him : )
WOW! You will ENCOURAGE many people who are facing the same difficulties! Thank you for sharing! Much Love! 🙂
I can’t wait to read your story…Praise God, He is Awesome!
God is amazing!!! Thank you for your honesty and bravery. Prayerfully, God will deliver many people through your testimony.
Good Bless and Continue to Abide in Jesus Love!!!
Wow!! How very awesome!! Thank you Gay for sharing this first part of your testimony…and what a testimony it is! Thank you too Beth for including it in your blog. I shall be sharing this with my Bible Study ladies. We’re doing “Mercy Triumphs” and you talked about Gay in one of our first sessions. WHAT A PRAISE!!!
gosh DANG !! I have been a ” siesta ” since before we were called that… and I NEVER post. But , Gay , i want you to know how LOVED and appreciated you are. I haven’t read thru the 24 pages of what has been said. But , girl * I * love and esteem you , and so does GOD !! I look forward to what else you have to say. And I love how your lil sister looks out for you. haha I have a big sister 16 months older… and I love how she looks out for me. I’m the baby … 54. ; ) haha You are a BLESSING MISS GAY…. keep writing to us!! Onward Christian Soldeiers !! Love , E
Thank you so much Beth, for introducing your sister!! Thank you Gay for allowing us to meet you!! Hope we hear much more of your story. . . even the little bit we have heard causes me to glorify God because of your life!!! And. . .it stirs such hope and courage to believe for my family member bound by addiction to alcohol. . . thank you and bless you!
JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY!
Thank you, Gay! So happy to hear from you!!!
Oh if only hearts could touch over a screen, Gaye!
You are such a trophy of God’s grace and and such a voice that needs to be heard!
I am new to AlAnon after finding my husband of many years had a hidden, uncontrollable drinking problem.
How much I have learned about my God and myself. I grew up in an alcoholic home many years ago, so this was a bad dream come true. Though walking with my God for many years, and loving Him like no other, I have found Him more precious still by going to this program, and loving the HONEST, BROKEN people I meet there. I have learned a deepening love for others I needed to learn but didn’t know it. I have found the healing for my heart over things I had been praying over for years, and yet God chose now to answer some of them.
It is the courage of women like you, who show me the face of God in a dimension I hadn’t known. I am richer for it.
I do not know you, but I love and embrace you as my sister in the faith. May God richly and deeply heal you from the inside out each time you show another one of us beggars where to find the Bread!!
I ENJOYED READING YOUR STORY. GOD IS AWESOME AND HE CAN WORK MIRACLES IN A BLINK OF AN EYE. I TOO WAS A TERRIBLE ALCOHOLIC AND WAS IN NEED OF HELP. I EVEN MOVED OUT AND LEFT MY HUSBAND AND TWO BOYS. GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS. HE HELPED ME SO MUCH. IVE BEEN SOBER FOR 7 YEARS IN MAY. IM SO VERY THANKFUL. 🙂 HANG IN THE HON. LOVE APRIL