Good morning, Siestas! I just had a malfunction on the moderation page and, when I closed down and tried to reopen, I think it may have eaten about nine comments to the previous post. I’m so sorry if yours was one of them! I hate when that happens. All four Jones and Melissa, and I are packing up and heading to North Carolina to be part of a gathering near Asheville at Ridgecrest Conference Center. We are so excited to be together and to serve together. We also can’t wait to be with Travis who is family to all of us Moore/Jones/Fitzpatricks. We wish Angela, Jack, Lily Kate, and Levi were going, too! That would be the ultimate. We’ll also have so many other friends there – a reunion of sorts in a lot of ways. Anyway, you won’t waste a prayer on any of us. We never get this thing down. We pray not to get in the way of the Holy Spirit and that the pleasure of Christ will be upon us all. The group will be smaller than our LPL gatherings which means we’ll be able to see many faces and hug lots of necks. It will be water to our thirsty souls.
OK, so it’s TUESDAY! And that means it’s time for you to talk. Here is today’s topic:
Talk to me about a memorable time in your life when God broke through your hardheartedness, doubt, numbness or bitterness (or maybe even grief) with what almost seemed like a single stroke. In other words, has there ever been a time in your life when an event, a moment, or sudden revelation was used by God to crumble a wall that had long since been in place? I’ve been mulling over how a single God-ordained moment can change an entire season. If you’ve had one of those, describe it. After so many other things hadn’t “worked,” why do you think the breakthrough came like it did? (Keep in mind, some things just remain mysteries to us.) Take your time and think it through. Let it cause you some thanksgiving while you’re at it.
I will look so forward to your answers! You are dear to me, Sisters. May Christ be continually attracted to this community we call Siestaville.
Thank you for a wonderful experience tonight at Ridgecrest and a good message.
Perhaps it should be clarified tomorrow that Ken Medema wrote the Moses piece that Travis Cottrell so beautifully performed about 30 plus years ago. He is an incredible musician as well and is blind. he is known for his interpretive composing in “real time” at a concert.
MOSES by KEN MEDEMA
PERSONAL SONGS & BOOKINGS Free: 1-888-KEN-KEN-KEN Phone: 616-534-6571 Fax: 616-534-1113 E-mail: [email protected]
video.yahoo.com/watch/3129987/8888624
I love Ken Medema!! He wrote a song for me one time at church, during the service. He’s amazing!!
I did have one of those moments recently. 18 months ago we had our second daughter and she was born with Down Syndrome. We were completely shocked and I really didn’t know how I was going to handle it, deal with it or come to terms with it. God has been so faithful over these months to show me many things from His Word to bring healing. I will say that one of the first things that broke through the wall for me was when I was doing Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” study a few months after my daughters birth. On the video teaching for week 6 Beth was discussing Beauty for Ashes and this quote went straight to my heart – “God never allows or appoints a fire unless He can bring beauty from the ashes.” It was that statement that allowed my heart to begin realizing that God will bring beauty from this. For months I couldn’t understand why he would allow this when he could have prevented it. Since that moment during that video teaching I am seeing that I might not know all of the answers, but God does and He sees the beauty HE has in mind. It was allowed for His purposes. Beauty for ashes…none but Jesus can do that. Today we are head over heels in love with our little girl and beginning to see the beauty He has planned.
WOW, Shari,
Your story is so amazing, it truly touched my heart. Your daughter is blessed to have you as a mom.
Tracy
Shari,
Thank you for your incredible testimony of God’s goodness and sovereignty in your life. This is so crazy – just moments earlier, a group of coworkers and I were talking about pregnancy over lunch (one of them is ~6 months along now). We actually discussed Down Syndrome for a good while, since our pregnant friend recently had testing done. It was beautiful to see her take the stand in our secular work environment that she trusts that God is good and in control no matter how the results turn out. I hope you don’t mind, but I sent a few of these coworkers your post to encourage them (and plant seeds with others) with your story of God’s faithfulness.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Tashi
Thank you I SO needed this today!
God blessed us with a son who has Down syndrome. He is 9 years old and is the joy of our lives! I have learned more about trusting God through this journey of raising our son than I can even tell you. And God has allowed my husband and me to meet the most amazing people, who we never would have met if our son didn’t have Down syndrome. Buckle up, Siesta! You are in for the most awesome ride of your life! Riding with God is an absolute BLAST!
I have a very dear friend with Down’s and none of us who know her would have missed her for anything in the world. Isn’t God so good?
I’m so happy to have time to answer this one, ’cause it was big in my life! The church I grew up in was good at displaying God as holy but I had no idea He wanted to get personal or even answered prayers for me (maybe others). My husband and i had been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years and none of all of my (and many doctors) efforts had come close. I had really felt I needed to start a morning prayer time for Lent in 1987, and I decided to get started the Tues. before Ash Wednesday and by Wed. morn. God brought to a place of brokenness and surrender about the baby situation and I prayed for God to help me accept the fact that my heart’s greatest desire might never come to my life. After the fact I found out some incredible circumstances that only God could have orchestrated but 2 days later an attorney who knew us called my husband to see if we were interested in a rapid adoption. He had a client who was due to give birth soon and another adoption had fallen through. Long story short, 4 weeks from Ash Wednesday we had a long hoped for baby boy and I finally understood that God wanted to have a real daily relationship with me and that He really would answer my prayers…I love You, too, Lord!
Susan K. in Bradenton, FL
P.S. Today I met the Anglican Bishop of Uganda in a local sandwich shop where some of our Bible study members go after class. I told him we were studying your study based on Isaiah! He was with a former Bishop’s wife that I knew and she introduced us, a privelege.
We had been married for 18 years, when, while packing our luggage for a vacation to Galveston, I found evidence that my husband had been having an affair. I won’t go into all the gory details but suffice it to say, for about 18 months, I was a different woman. The affair had been long over by the time I had discovered it, and it had come very close to becoming physical when they quit seeing each other. I handled the revelation really well at first, insisting we go to counseling…and we did. It did not seem to help much. Of course, I had so much anger, bitterness, resentment, sadness (I believe at one point, I was truly in a state of depression), and just about every other negative emotion one human being can have, that I did not allow the counseling to help. In the coming days and months I began to act out in ways that I never dreamed possible. My husband was doing everything he could to keep us together and I guess I just wanted him to pay and hurt as deeply about the loss in our marriage as I did. I would tell him he was forgiven, but I can honestly say at that time I HAD NOT forgiven him for what he had done. It got to the point that my heart was so hardened to him that I could not stand to be in the same room with him. I’m sure he would tell you, that because of the way I was acting toward him, he could not stand to be in the same room with me either. I kept thinking “I have the right to leave, I have biblical grounds”. Funny thing…God kept saying to me “Yes, you can leave, and yesyou have biblical grounds but….I will not bless that decision. You need to stay in this marriage.”
I had been a follower of Christ for 34 years by this time. I KNEW what I was suppose to do but I just could NOT seem to do it. I would pray my heart out and there would be no change. It was very frustrating. I had been so used to praying for God to change my heart in very difficult situations…and HE DID! But this was different.
One morning after my husband left for work I found myself sobbing. We had just had one of the worst weekends in our entire marriage which resulted in me having a fit and yelling at my husband in the middle of the MALL!!! I had become a crazy person. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. As I sat in my bedroom sobbing, the Holy Spirit began His work on me. I remember saying to God, “I have never felt so rejected. I don’t deserve this! I’ve done nothing wrong! I live my life for You, and I don’t understand why you have allowed this to happen.” I’m sure I said much more than that but it was along the same thought. Then as clear as clear can be God spoke straight to my heart (not the audible of course). He said to me “I love you and I will never leave you. I will never turn my back to you. I understand your hurt and your rejection. Let me use it in you to help others see me” I melted…. and I immediately put my nose to the carpet and stretched out my arms. I lay there before God completely desolate and began to pour my heart out with uncontrolled sobs. God and I had a long talk while I lay there. God is God and He can do whatever He wishes. All I can tell you is that when we ended our conversation, I stood to my feet a new woman. From that day forward I have never been the same. God placed within me the ability to truly forgive my husband and I did. Our marriage is stronger now than ever and I am able to minister to other women in the same situation all the time. Jesus is EVERYTHING to me….everything.
Yes, siesta…you got it right, we are His and He can do whatever He wants…and just now, He has used you to show me His omnipresent power! Thank you for sharing so truthfully! I can relate to that anger, though it comes from different reasons than yours, mostly selfishness on my part in marriage. It is God who reigns in our lives, and thank you for sharing that you had, quite frankly, beat down His door repeatedly concerning this matter and faithfully in His sovereign time, did He answer you. I can only imagine the change it has truly brought to your revived soul. Though we’ve never met, you make me smile knowing you are reflecting the love of Christ for His church! Shout it from the mountain tops Siesta!
Thank you sweet woman. I am truly a miracle work of God in so many ways. It was my selfishness that would not let me move forward. I think until I was willing to recognize that it was not about me God would not change my heart. I’m praying His peace over your life!!
Wow! What struck me very deeply were your words, ““I have never felt so rejected. I don’t deserve this! I’ve done nothing wrong! I live my life for You, and I don’t understand why you have allowed this to happen.” WHAT an amazing moment of identification with our Lord Jesus!! I remembered how HIS voice said those very things at the end of his earthly ministry and life, meaning that He has so identified with us in our suffering!
What a story and testimony. Thank you for continuing to share the love and mercy you’ve received with others!
Powerful testimony, powerful.
For many years I harbored bitterness toward my father for his alcoholism. A casual comment from my mother that my dad “learned to drink in the Navy,” coupled with sitting in a movie theatre watching the movie Pearl Harbor, were both used of the Lord to break up the bitterness that corroded my soul. Although my father was not at Pearl Harbor, he was on a ship in the war and I am sure saw many of the same images that I forced myself to watch in that movie. I do not condone him turning to drink to deal with the images of war that plagued his sleep…but I can understand how it happened now. I am thankful to the Lord for this “education.” It has helped my unforgiving heart change.
Just will quickly share one moment that stands out to me. I was in the midst of a painful marriage trial and it was a Sunday morning. I had stayed home from church because I had a headache and was watching a tv Pastor talk about Hannah. After the message I went to lie down and was thinking over the message and just opening my heart and crying out to God about my pain and in that moment I felt His Presence. I felt Him say in my spirit that He knew my pain and was not aloof to it, it mattered to Him, He really saw my pain and cared about it. It was a forever changing moment to really know, that somehow, He made it known to me that He cared. He has done great things in our marriage and in me since! I am currently doing the Updated Breaking Free, progress is being made. Praise His Mighty Name!!
In HIM,
Karen
My husband and I found out that our son had Down Syndrome and serious complications when I was around 19 weeks pregnant. Because of the complications, the doctor didn’t expect our son to make it to delivery and if he did, he could anticipate an uphill battle to survive. The doctor gave us what I suppose is the typical speech about terminating the pregnancy and asking us to consider how much we were willing to put out son through. It’s hard to explain what news like that does to you…It makes you question every belief that you have, it invades every thought, and impacts every relationship.
I had ultra-sounds every week, sometimes twice a week, and the fear was so overwhelming during the procedure that I had to lay on my side with a trash can nearby because I was so incredibly nauseous with fear. I would just lay there and pray that God would simply let me hold my son, Jack.
I had been teaching Bible study for about 5 years at that point and began pouring over every lesson I had taught. It’s not so much that I was questioning my faith or even questioning the whys…I just realized that the nice, pat Sunday School answers weren’t working for me. I had different family members telling me that if I just prayed hard enough and had enough faith that God would heal Jack of Down Syndrome and any other complication that he had, which in my head meant that any ailment he had was due to my lack of faith. (I know that’s not exactly true, but it’s certainly what my fearful heart heard at the time.)
The verses that always bothered are the ones like Psalm 139:2 & 23 that talk about the fact that God knows all of my thoughts and knows the intentions of my heart. The reason the verses bothered me was because I know what a mess I can be on the inside. I know how self righteous and judgmental my thoughts can be and I knew the amount of fear and hopelessness I was feeling on the inside about my son.
My friends would always ask what they could do for me and my answer was always the same, just pray. I can remember talking to my Women’s Ministry leader one day and telling her those exact words, but on the inside I was thinking, “I just want someone to bring me flowers.” I would never voice that to anyone because it seemed so incredibly shallow and trivial. It certainly wasn’t a prayer…it was just a fleeting thought that was in and out of my head in a matter of moments.
I came home from another doctor’s appointment the following day (no kidding, the following day) and found on my front porch, the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. And the next day, there was another bouquet from someone else. I can’t begin to tell you the impact those flowers had on my heart. It meant that I didn’t need to be afraid of God knowing my thoughts. It meant that God knowing my thoughts wasn’t a bad thing. It gave me hope in a time when all the circumstances seemed hopeless. It gave me reassurance that God really did see what was happening and cared. It allowed me to see a new side of God…my God is sweet. Although the flowers were delivered by human hands, I honestly believe God sent me the flowers.
There are so many other things that happened during that time that were no less than the hand of God taking care of me and my emotional needs. And by the way, Jack is no less than a miracle and was born four years ago. He is still non-verbal for the most part and is using sign language to communicate. He started AWANA this year and last week he successfully learned the sign “Savior”. It gives me chills.
Wow Julia. Flowers in a supermarket will have a different meaning now….tell Jack I am so proud he spoke the Name of our Savior.
Thank you for blessing me with your story:)
What a beautiful story of God’s love! I loved your honesty and testimony.
Julia,
I loved how Jesus reached you with the flowers! Your story of if only you had enough faith Jack would not have Down syndrome took be back over 32 years – after our daughter, Heather, was born with Down syndrome and we were told that if we had enough God would take her Down syndrome away. As if!! He made her that way! After 32 years, if he wanted her not to have Down syndrome tommorrow, I have no doubt she wouldn’t. Here is the most amazing thing, people will say all sorts of things about our children with disabilities, but never forget that just as He has a plan and purpose for our lives – He has one for theirs as well! She has a love for Jesus and does not mind telling people! God has used her in so many ways. For myself, boy those early years were hard, even the teen years, even with how much I loved her, I never ever would have thought that at 32 she would bring me more joy than I ever dreamed of! She has been working at the Dept of Commerce in DC for 9 years now-she sorts and delivers mail to one of the floors and she got the job because partly because she is so vocal and friendly. For once, talking a lot pays!:) She is so active in Special Olympics – selected for national this past summer – and has many friends. Jack will bring you much joy, more than he already has and will teach you what real faith is all about! Amie
Dear Amie,
Thank you for the encouragement. Everyday brings a new challenge, but God is so good and so faithful and so loving and so incredibly sweet. Of all the things I want for Jack, the only thing that matters is that he loves Jesus. Although I don’t know exactly what the future holds and I know they tell me he has limitations (I try to ignore the numbers), I dream of the day he is ready for baptism, for the day he is able to get in the water and answer, “yes”, when he is asked if he has accepted Jesus as his Savior. Julia
Thank you for sharing your story. It is such a sweet blessing! I love our Lord and I love Him all the more to see how tenderly and lovingly He met the desire of your heart for flowers. May His goodness and mercy continue to follow you and little Jack! 🙂
I have to preface this by saying that this year my husband and I decided to read through the Bible chronologically. It’s my first time reading the Bible, so I was none to eager to find myself in Job, a book I would have otherwise avoided. Anyway, late one night I was reading in Chapter 38 where it says, “who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm” and later in Chapter 40, “Do you have an arm like God’s and can your voice thunder like his?” When I closed my Bible that night I just laid awake questioning whether God really controls things like the weather. Keep in mind, I would have always said with my mouth that I believe God is awesome in power, but in my mind I’ve been so full of doubt. I was just rolling these thoughts over and over again, not getting anywhere, really, and fell asleep. You know what’s coming …. I woke up to the LOUDEST, BOOMING thunderstorm I have ever experienced in my life. The kind of thunder that, even as an adult, makes you a little afraid. And it just carried on and on and on, so that HE knew I got the point. The beauty of it was, not only did it absolutely eradicate my doubt of who God is and what He is capable of, but it was the most awesome picture (at least that I’ve ever personally experienced) of how I’m supposed to feel toward Him. Half of me laid there listening to that thunder (it’s really hard to describe how overwhelming it was) and felt this awesome fear of how POWERFUL He is while the other half of me felt so incredibly loved and speechless over the fact that He heard my thoughts lying in bed and put on the most incredible display ever to speak right to my heart and what it desperately needed to know.
Melissa, I so love God. He tends to speak to me the loudest while I’m lying in bed. I smiled when I read His response to your questioning thoughts.
I recently had a memorable moment when I know God broke through my doubt. My husband and I teach Sunday school class to the Junior High kids in our church. You never really know if they are learning anything or if it is just a social gathering to them. A few weeks ago, we were reading in Acts. One of the girls looked up at me and said, “I’ve read my Bible before, but I’ve never gotten this much out of it.” My heart nearly stopped. I looked at my husband and almost started crying. I looked at that precious girl and thanked her and told her she had blessed me more than she could ever realize.
I pray that I am doing what He wants me to be doing. Sometimes you just need a little reassurance that you’re on the right path. I truly felt that God spoke through that little girl to reassure me I was doing exactly what He wants me to be doing.
Blessings,
Mary Jane Smith
Mary Jane Smith you are sowing seeds in a fertile soil God will reap the harvest. You go teacher!
I have been saved since I was 10 years old but (and it is a BIG BUT) when I was in college and for years after that I was on a long road of destruction. Then when a family member came to my husband and I and stated that they were pregnant, our world really began to change. Then a very, very special baby was born and God began to do a big, big job on my heart. That little one gave God the opportunity to soften my hard heart and now I have the sweetest relationship with Jesus and YES that “special baby” also.
Breakthrough? Well when my son of 30 yrs died suddenly I questioned whether he was in heaven. He was 8 yrs old when he accepted Christ and in his teenage years he went into the world. Well, after he died, I struggled with “once saved, always saved” even when we stray away. I was walking the track at our college and God spoke to me. He said “I know your pain, my son died too” and then the next morning I woke up sobbing when I heard my son’s voice say “Mom, I’m okay, I’m with Jesus” Well, let me tell you that changed my life. God is so very near to us all of the time, but especially when we suffer. I know that I know that I know MY REDEEMER LIVES! and so does my son, Eric, in heaven!
Well, I have never shared this in such a public arena but it seems God would have me do this.
The specific incident occurred at work, in the ER. I was in the middle of my usual day shift as a surgical nurse when I received a call from my supervisor that my brother was downstairs in the ER as a patient and that he was requesting to see me. I assumed it was my brother X because he lived in the area and worked in construction. I had always feared he would have a heart attack or heat stroke because he worked so hard. However, it was my brother Y whom I had not seen in several years, even though he also lived in the area. There is alot to the story but the short version of it is that I saw my brothers chest x ray and knew immediately it was lung cancer. I also knew RIGHT THEN, that God was calling me to take care of this brother. Because of things that had happened in the past, this was a BIG deal. In the long run…I did care for him while he was dying. I learned to love him and forgive him. We never discussed the incident but the day before he died as I was lifting him into bed, he grabbed my hand and simply said, “sis, I’m sorry”. The love God gave me for him is not something I could bring about…I hated him before…didn’t really care if he died or not…but the Lord changed all that and now is moving me in a direction of service to others that I would have considered…forgiveness is freedom!
Oh Pat I am so glad you shared your story. The love of God spoke to my heart when I read it. thank you
Morning!
Oh, yes, God reached down and touched my broken heart when I left my husband thinking I didn’t love him anymore. He showed me my need of Him, and taught me how to love. He restored my marriage after a two year separation. He blessed us with 4 beautiful children after that, and deeply touched me again when my little daughter was born without any eyes. I wouldn’t change a thing–its all his grace to bring me to Himself. Your readers might enjoy hearing my Mary @ http://www.dontdumphim.com
Love you Beth!
I may have shared this before, and if so, forgive the redundancy.
I came to know the Lord when I was a girl, and always loved Him from afar…. I always went to church, behaved and was “good girl”. I believed God was real in my life, but never really “knew” Him in a dynamic fashion.
Enter a breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 35. God used the initial diagnosis and the subsequent appointments, timings, and answered prayers to begin to open my eyes to Him as one who is active in every day and all the details.
Enter a positive pregnancy test the day before I was to begin radiation therapy. I had to go from not just believing in God, but believing God was who He said He was in my life. My treatment plan changed to do radiation during my 2nd trimester, and my husband and I had complete confidence that God had given us the go ahead…. Until I was alone in the waiting room, in a hospital gown, going in and out of the treatment room waiting to see if they could get everything adjusted so we would both be safe from the radiation scatter.
I was on pins and needles and nearly in tears. I dragged out a book by David Jeremiah my mom had given me and “coincidentally” flipped right to the page that Isaiah 43 had been fully written out on the page. Talk about being directly talked to by God! “You will walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze, for I am the Lord, your God.” Gives me goosebumps just reading it through again.
No longer was he God who I appreciated from afar. He was God who knew my heart, and my fears and sent me a message specific to my time and place through His word spoken centuries ago.
I confess that sometimes I still worry about recurrence and dying an early death leaving my two little ones and my husband prematurely. But ultimately, I just have to go back to His promises and know He knows what He’s doing and He’s in charge!
(We just celebrated that little ‘radiated’ girl’s fourth birthday last night. She’s a miracle! I will celebrate my 5 year anniversary in February.)
Gave me goosebumps too! Stay close to the Shepherd, for He surely is busy about the details!
Thanks for sharing! Praise the God of miracles…and two-fold miracles!
I was at the Ransomed Heart “Captivating” Retreat last April, high in the Colorado Rockies and I received the “knowing” of God’s (Trinity) love for me. I knew, heard it before, read it, heard you say tons of time Beth, though it had never “landed” the way it needed to in my heart. In April it did, during a time of worship in praise and prayer. It was a quiet voice, that pierced my heart and I knew that I knew His great love for ME! He’s in love with me, crazy about me and concerned like a Lover would be regarding all of my longings and desires. It was instant and very wild and it changed my life!
Mare
Dear Beth- the devil must not want me to get my comments to you for this is the third time I have typed them. I’ll keep typing them until I get it right. I am writing to request prayer for my son, Zane Cress that lives in Florida. He has been without work since Mar 2010. He left a 72-90 hour week job for a sales position (no base salary) in a new start up company. Didn’t work out. Now that it has been these many months, he seems to be turning into a reclusive intervert. He has a dog, Jack, that is his reason to get up of the morning. No girlfriend, no wife, no children, no home (lives in apt, rent paid thru Jan 2011). My time line with rocks of rememberance in week 9 of the study helped me to see God’s working in my life over the years – thank you for that. Zane is cancer free at age 31 after being diagnosed at age 18, graduated college 2009 with degree in Business Admin after leaving college several years ago and doing mechanic work. He worked 30-35 hours week in restuarant industry the whole time in school. I belive God has a wonderful plan for Zane. I pray Zane will be receptive to the Holy Spirit’s guidance in this situation. Please help me pray for my son – I only want what our Heavenly Father wants for him. Thank you for praying with me in this request. I pray God will continue to bless you, your family, your team as only He can bless. Thank you for the study – Believing God. Betty Cress in TN mother of Zane in FL.
Praying for your precious son. My heart just aches for him. I know that kind of lonliness. Praying God will minister to him in only the way our Father does. Praying blessings and comfort and most of all, an increase of Faith in his Mighty God who will turn it all around.
Dear Shelly,
Thank you so very much for praying for my son. I truly do appreciate your prayers, your time praying for my son – more than I have words to say. I pray our Heavenly Father will bless you in a very special way. Betty, Zane’s mother
Lifting Zane and you up in prayer right now.
Lord, Father God, you are the Father who has compassion on your children. Please, move Zane’s heart to feel your presence, your faithfulness, and your love. Help Betty to completely trust in your sovereign care for her son and assure her that you love Zane. Be glorified and may both their testimonies be powerful for you. In Jesus’ mighty, saving name, amen.
Dear He Is Faithful,
Thank you so much for your prayer. If you could only see my tears. My heart believes even more – the power of prayer – wow! Thank you, so much. I pray our Heavenly Father will richly bless you as only He can do. Thank you. Betty, Zane’s mother
I had one of those moments in the fall of 2008. After a lifetime of suffering from depression, God showed me that the key to liberating myself from the chains that had kept me a prisoner most of my life centered on forgiveness. This was a revelation to me! I realized that I harbored resentment not only toward others that had hurt me in the past, but also resentment toward myself – I did not like myself. My certainty was so solid, that I began working on changing my perceptions about myself and others and while it has been a painful process at times, it is the best and most important thing that I have accomplished, one that has completely changed my life for the better. I have better relationships with others, from loved ones to acquaintances to a relationship with myself like I never had before. And most important, a relationship with God that I never thought possible. Before this all started, I thought I had faith in God. I now realize that is was just a shadow of what it could be, of what it is today. And it only gets better.
I have had many of these… He is so Kind. One of my most recent was a treasured point of transformation. For years I have been fighting a creeping doubt in my heart that God was not for me. I kept doing the right things… yet life was stinking kicking me in the behind and i was desperately lonely. I would push and push to get through this dark cloud of darkness. Several times I just could barely say, “God is good” because I felt like such a hypocrite in saying it b/c i did not feel it… this past Spring, after growing and God patiently restoring me, He allowed a situation to rise up in my life that would press me into that dark corner again. “God is not for you”…. He is over in the corner of your life waiting for you to get it right…. resentment and anger and depress starting rising up in my heart AGAIN…. oh, i thought I had gotten rid of that demon!!
I was seeing a counselor at the time and one day the darkness just oozed out over my being while I was sitting in her little office. i was so embarrassed to allow anyone to see the dark doubt that filled my soul/heart. She asked me a question, “Where do you see God in this?” As I received those words…. I finally saw something… GOD IS IN THIS! God isn’t over in some corner of my life waiting for me to be perfect and get my mess cleaned up. HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF MY MESS!!!!!! FLIP! I was immediately changed!!!
God is with me… and GLORIOUSLY loves me anyways and WOWZERS…. wanted to use the very things I thought was the ugliest, most messed up part of me to BRING HIM GLORY. THAT is My God! 🙂 Wow. I love it! I love it! I LOVE HIM!
yeah, Emmanuel – God is WITH US. God is With Me!
Oh Mama, you keep asking these questions in the past tense, and I am realizing for some of us they are right now.
I so need a God breakthrough right now. We made the decision to take Cindy in on Wednesday morning, and I really felt God confirming it in a number of ways.
Cindy had the best morning she has had in a long time. She was alert, getting up and walking well. It made me start to question the decision, but I thought maybe this is a gift from God that her final hours were good instead of pain. And a couple times that morning she stared me in the eye, which she never does, so it freaked me out and i wondered if she knew something was up.
I tried so hard in so many ways at the vet to tell them that she might panic and at the FIRST SIGN of any stress, they should immediately give her a sedative. They didn’t. They waited. Her stress quickly elevated to a full panic. I could hear her screaming and it devastated me.
They finally did give her a strong dose of sedative, so when they brought her back to me she was already pretty incoherent. From there it ended quickly.
But her screams still resonate in my mind. I am distraught by the fact that I could not prevent her getting hurt. Her final minutes were consumed by panic-stricken trauma, and I cannot change that.
A few times in the past she has experience trauma where she did the same screaming yelp. Each time it shot straight to something deep inside me where there is pain, fear, helplessness, guilt, and other tornadic emotions. I am guessing this is related to my childhood vicitmization. I cannot deal with the fact that I was not able to prevent or stop the pain then or now.
And guilt is added even now because I froze at least in part. Why did I break down sobbing instead of busting down the door and rescuing her? I am consumed with pain and grief.
And I cannot help, yet again, but ask God – Why?? I specifically prayed to him, laying hands on her before we left, so protect her from trauma. I specifically asked him in Jesus’ name to prevent that and he did not. He was there. He knew what she was experiencing. He knew exactly what was going on and could have prevented or stopeed it at any moment. YET HE DID NOT. Why, Lord? Why did you let her suffer? Why did you allow the trauma for us both? Why is instant death so elusive for us? Why go through this?
This is where I NEED GOD to break through. I need his healing or teaching or something, only He knows how to deal with this.
I am seeing my counselor tonight. As much as I long for death right now to make the pain stop, I am trusting God by trying to give it to him, if I even know how to do that. I do not know what else to do or say.
Come, Lord Jesus
Michele, I read your post after I posted mine (which is right below yours). I so understand your questions. My situation was the death of my horse. I had plenty of blame to hand out…to myself as well as my husband…and plenty of anger..why did God not protect her? In hindsight, it was obvious that I could not have gotten to her on time, as I was doing His work..heading for an over-night lock-in with the 5th grade girls from church..there was no time to check on her. God took care of my needs, in stages. He sent a friend, he sent His Word, and guidance and strength when I needed it. His presence was real, and he was loving me through all of the horrific thoughts that were running through my mind. He continues to counsel and help me. His power to save and heal are so much more real to me. He’s removing some deep-seated pride and fear through this, and replacing it with faith.
I know He will custom tailor your healing, as well, all wrapped up in his amazing love and grace.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds…God does.
Oh Michele,
I am so sorry you are going through this. It happened the same way when we, as children, put our dog down. I heard her bark (scream) and I still hear it today. The vet didn’t even let us hold her in her last minutes. As we buried her she was still warm.
You helped me earlier this week with trusting God, so I am asking you to put all the good, funny, lovable memories into your mind now. Let her life mean something good by thinking of only the best of times. We can’t change the past, as we are both aware, but we can keep her in your heart. You were there for her as much as you could have been for this time. Michele, please know I am praying for you. Don’t feel bad for feeling so sad. God does love you even when we don’t understand. (((hugs))) I’ll keep in touch!
Michele feel my love as well for you in your pain and hurting. I’m hurting for you and loving you.
I’m sorry for your pain michele. i dont know whether Anything i could say to you could help you. im sorry when caregivers to our animals dont seem to care, and so thankful for the ones who do. my dog would have died in sept if i had not listened to the promptings within to go get another vet, and she put her arm up my dog’s rearend diagnosed him without hesitation and scheduled him for emergency surgery saying he would not live another day without it and saved his life. i cant believe any other way that this wasnt a gift god gave to me,and yet i too had to surrender my sweetheart into their care i hoped, knowing what strain it would be on him to be there, and i have to believe that god whispered into his soft ear and helped him to get thru that,and it was So Hard for me to drive away and leave him there, cause they wouldnt let me go downstairs and i knew that the smoke coming from the little building was from the cremations they’d done that morning, and Yet, I Knew that I myself could not save his life, that only this vet could and i had to put my trust in someone, to save his life,and i couldnt do it alone, im strong sometimes, but All of us are in need of someone..and i also called my bible study leader and asked her to please pray for me and my little dog, that i was afraid, please pray for me,and she did, right there on that phone. and because i surrendered that need to be strong and instead asked, i didnt have to be so strong. i had another dog before him whom died as a result of the wrong kind of medicine given by one whom did not care. and it Broke My Heart and i hand shovel dug a hole for 18 hours through frozen ice snow dirt in january so that i could bury him in my garden where he was always put out of until i buried him there to stay, and when i put him in that hole on his fuzzy bed with a blanky to cover him and keep him warm, don’t you know, i wanted to get in that hole with him and hug him and go to sleep with him in his grave. it Tore through the last little bit of strength i had left. and things did not just get better. they got worse. i was a suicide waiting to happen and all of me got so much more worse with the death of my closest friend. he died on new years eve 2004, and that year my aunt my cousin’s wife my cousin and my dog all died within 6 months and i myself was as near to death as i had ever been due to my disease of ** and even more than that disease’s power over me, hate was eating up all of my love, and that is the worst place to be where hate eats up love… and stuff didnt get better until they got a whole lot worse, and i know that god Had to Let it get worse for me Not to punish me,Not to abandon me, but god Had to Let it get worse for me- For Me to Know that I NEED HIM first, no matter what, No Matter What!! and, i also believe that jesus sent an angel puppy to me to love me, to teach me How To Love something whom Needed me for his shelter his protection his care, my little one Needed me and Through him Jesus loved me back to life from So Much that didnt have anything to do with furry animals. i hope you can feel that i have love for your tender heart, i’ve not met you but i have such love for you and the hurting place you are in.. and this love i have to love you with, i know that the same god whom let me feel my hate- Let me Feel it, so that I could Feel Love, HIS love So Much more than I, can put to words. and i hope you can trust me that it aint just words for me, and if we face to face I would share with you Just how god put that Love back from where the hate took me.
Oh sweet Michele,
I am unspeakably sorry for your loss and pain. I, among many others, am lifting you up before the Lover of our souls.
This may or may not bring any comfort today, but my brother-in-law is a vet and shared something with me before my dog was even sick. He said that a dog’s pain threshold is about 40 times that of a human. I don’t know how they know that, but he was completely serious and has practised for decades.
Yes, come, Lord Jesus
Dear Michele,
I just read your post today. I am praying for you. I do identify with your pain in losing a precious pet. I just wanted to let you know I’m lifting you up today. May His peace that passes all our understanding flood your heart today and this week.
Revelation 21:4 NIV :
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Michele,
I am so glad I found you among all the comments. I was praying that I find someone similar to myself because then I wouldn’t feel crazy anymore. Many people that know my family and myself laughed at us for crying so much for mourning over the death of my dog. I am glad that someone else expresses the same pain over their loved one, and your pet can be a “loved one”. My dog who was only 6 years old died when she died last month, on October 12th 2010. I cried when I read your post because I felt exactly as you felt the day your dog died. Her name was Bailey, and she was a pit bull. Her breed has the worst reputation among all dogs, but the way she loved so much and so unconditionally truly proved her breed’s reputation incorrect. I am so glad to have known her and raise her, and her life was a testimony that you shouldn’t judge someone or something based on how they look or their reputation. Because one day, you might just might meet the exception and that was my dog, Bailey. I was not there to witness my dog’s death because I was away from home on that day, and two days later when I returned she would be dead already. The day she died, my sister called me that morning at 5:45 a.m. Panic arose as soon as I saw the phone call on my cell because my sister NEVER calls me that early, so I knew something was wrong. My heart hurt as soon as my sister said the words, “Bailey died”. I am still traumatized at the thought of the words, and will forever remember that day. I have always felt regret that I wasn’t there because I raised her. I am only in my twenties and am not married, nor have had any children. She is the closest thing to a child to me and some days I cannot believe she is gone. I feel like I will go home one day and she will be there waiting in the house for me. I loved her so much, and she brought so much joy to my life during the most loneliest and painful years of my life. I wrote this so that nobody will think that it’s crazy to mourn over an animal of any kind. It’s not crazy to have your heart torn and in deep grief over an animal. Just because it is not a human, doesn’t mean the grief is any less important to God. It is a deep pain and I am so glad I found you here because I feel the same pain. I sometimes wake up at night feeling bad that she died all alone wondering where I was or that I abandoned her. She died suddenly and the vet said she died from something she ate in the yard that killed her instantly (something that caused her organs to fail). There was only acid in her stomach and it was completely empty (she threw up everything that was in her stomach that night) and no sign of trauma to any other organ. So it was basically a mystery to him, and he labeled it an unfortunate death. I felt immediate anger at God for not only taking her away from me at a young age especially when I was not even there to say goodbye, but that I had no answer to why she died. The next day as I was praying for some comfort, I heard God tell me that she was with him and that I don’t have to worry and he will give me strength. I told God to tell her I love her so much and I won’t forget her. I don’t know why God took her away from me, but I know he answered my prayer of bringing me comfort that day.
God meets me. Changes me. Loves me. When I run. And I only hear the slap slap slap of my shoes. And no one needs me. I hear Him more clearly than any other time.
The single-swoop-God-moment came for me via a video on the computer. I was in the midst of grief, deep sorrow, bitterness, guilt over the bitterness, anger, guilt over the anger, and just numb, crying out to the Lord. the event that caused this happened on Saturday morning. I saw the video on Sunday morning, when I was supposed to be getting ready for church and teaching the 5th graders. I decided not to go to church…no use bringing all the misery to those young people. The video was a young man in his 20’s telling his story of a lifetime of pain, a deserting dad, drugs, witnessing his mom’s murder, no family left to raise him, so he was on the streets, ready to commit suicide. He was planning the deed while sitting across from a church when he decided to go to the church and give God one last chance (it was a weekday). The pastor had a similar background, led the young man to the lord, who was instantly given a powerful new life and peace…and then the pastor revealed that he was the young man’s dad! How good of God to reconcile these two lives together simultaneously. But what God said next, through the young man’s words is what jolted me completely out of my miserable state. He said, “I know one thing…if you take care of God’s business, He will take care of yours.” I jumped up and dressed and got to church on time to teach the 5th graders. Only God could have done that. I have also learned that God is faithful, he hears, he understands, and he communicates loud and clear.
I was driving home from the “breaking free” study one night and I was wrestling with why I struggled with not believing the love and forgivness my Heavenly Father had for me. I felt like I knew in my head all the right answers, but I really didn’t know it in my heart. While I was wrestling this out in my mind, God gave me a clear recollection of a time when I was younger that I had gone to my father to ask for forgiveness and he had pushed me away. It had probably been about 20 years since that had happened and a memory I had long forgotten. I don’t know what broke inside of me at that moment, but i just started bawling. I felt God was showing me the root of my hurt and how I had been placing that image of my unforgiving father on Him. It seemed like in that moment a piece of my heart was picked up and mended back together. I can now move forward in seeing who my Heavenly Father truly is, rather then seeing Him through the distorted vision of a broken childs heart.
God reminded recently, I was more wounded that I realized from being in the ministry. My husband pastored a church, and we recently resigned and moved away. I carried the hurt from that experience with me. Once we had packed up, moved, and settled into a brand new area…He slowly, but patiently and lovingly revealed to me that I crusted over & hardened. I kept people at a safe distance, and always deemed them a threat. I did not love people…I tolerated them – and many times, my tolerance was very low.
My realization and change came quite sudden, I just felt like I had woken up from a coma, or so to speak. He allowed me to “work-it-out” over the course of about a week, and he used the passage, “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.” Phil 2:12-15
Ministry is difficult…and church ministry is not for the faint of heart, even the strong do not survive. I knew God had places for us to “go” – but I had baggage that I needed to shed.
I’m a couple of days late. Too much work! But I couldn’t believe the topic for “Tuesday”. Just this morning I was thinking about the time I realized after 5 months that I couldn’t “fix” something or someone. When I completed removed myself from the situation, God moved so strong in this matter. Why do I always think I can do it? God, help me to move over (sometimes out) and let you be God in everything and at all times, not months later.
The one thing that God has broken through me with has been a VERY guarded place. I learned through Breaking Free that I had made my sweet mother a god ( not meaning to!! )and now through your Daniel class I have learned that I am still not trusting God – I no longer have my “strong one” and I am being cut to a stump ( thank HEAVEN he is guarding that )! After loosing my mother to breast cancer 5 1/2 years ago, I am still so insecure and lost. God has such a precious sense of humor and as our class got together for a just for girls night as we break till after Jan. our leader gave out a prize – we all drew straws and I won!! It was the book I had been wanting to get and just had not had the opportunity yet. My leader prayed for who would receive this book and So Long, Insecurity is now in my possession!! I do believe that God is now trying to use a bull horn – I must be deaf as well as hardheaded! From a child hood I would have traded to a marriage I wish I would have thought more seriously about and now a pregnant teen daughter, my insecurities are screaming in my head and God is preparing me for something and it must be big!!
Beth
I love that I get to share this with you. I had always heard about your Bible studies and how wonderful they were, but, to be honest, I was always too intimidated to dive into any of them. Then, my mother-in-law, whom I dearly love and charish (aren’t I lucky!) challenged me about it one day and said that “Growth takes work!” But, of course, I laughed it off and held fast to my determination to stear clear of anything Beth Moore (No offense, I was just scared, and satan was taking full advantage of that fear). Not long after that, I heard about the So Long Insecurity Webcast that was coming to our church in April 2010. I signed up and bought the book. The book really was great for me, and I learned a lot about myself, my husband, members of my family and quite a few friends. There were several places where I just knew that you had gotten ahold of the blueprints of my thoughts, because it was ALL ABOUT ME! For instance, you wrote about doubting yourself and doubting God’s ability to use you. I have struggled with that for a long time! But the part that really got to me came towards the end, where in chapter 16 you wrote, “Your past has not come full circle to its complete redemtion until you allow Christ to not only defuse it, but also to us it.” Whoa! You see, the summer before my freshman year in college (I am now 32 years old), I was a victim of rape. But it wasn’t your usual violent beat the snot out of you, take advantage of you, and leave you kind of rape. I knew this person. He was a friend of my brother’s. I was supposed to be safe with him, right? It started our with innocent flirting, accelerated, and ended with him not taking my “No” for an answer. It was so wierd, because, honestly, I din’t even know if it really was rape. But I did know that it was all my fault! Anyway, I headed right down a path of sexual distruction. Over the next 2 years, I had way more sexual partners than a girl should have. Then I felt the tap on my shoulder and heard the “Are you done yet?” I know now that it was God. Anyway, fast forward 11 years. I am now married to a wonderful man and have been blessed with 2 beautiful girls. I forgave my rapist years ago, and thought I had forgiven myself too. I think I really had, but I was so busy holding on the my regret that my past couldn’t come to full redemption. I had not given God the freedom to use it. So anyway, I read your book and then shortly there after I had a discussion with my sisterin-law, whom I also love dearly (I have been really blessed in the in-law department) about regret. And she says to me “If there is true forgiveness, is there really any regret?” So I thought on that for a bit. The next day, we went to church, and we sang the song “How He Loves” by Kim Walker and Jesus Culture. The very last verse says, “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way HE LOVES US” And there it was, complete redemption. I have finally gotten to a place about all of this, where I am thankful for it all. I am thankful for my witness. I am thankful for it because it is part of who I am today. I am just thankful. And I do see God using it all already. Currently, I am in week 10 of Breaking Free and have loved it all. It is confirming all that has already taken place. Satan’s got nothing on that part of my life anymore. Thank you for your willingness to share your life and your walk with Christ with complete strangers. I know that so many lives have been changed, just becuase you wake up each day and make the conscious decision to obey God.
My dear siestas at LPM,
Please do not feel that you will offend me if you do not post my testimony. I’d rather you not, by posting my comment, offend anyone. I shared my story….hindsight and it not being posted tells me I shared TMI. The depravity of my sin makes me puke too. Thats why my Savior and Redeemer mean sooooooo much to me now. The depths of which he rescued me. I was literally on the floor with my keyboard typing that testimony doing the ugly cry. I don’t need it posted. I will love you all and read every book and do every bible study you churn out. God uses people like me and people like you. I apologize again for the graphic nature. Please forgive me.
In Him,
Vickie
Dearest Vickie, I certainly know that depth of redemption. I, too, have a past I despise. God’s love is so cleansing. I’m so glad you’re in this community. Not posting something rarely ever means we didn’t like it or approve of it. It just may mean that we are having to guard a boundary. It’s a hard call at times. You are loved here.
In a season of aloneness God spoke to me in as-close-to-audible-voice I have ever experienced. He said, “I am the Head of your household.”
Almost 15 years ago, we experienced our 4th miscarriage. Getting pregnant was not particularly easy for me, and carrying to term was even more difficult. This time, it had taken 5 loooooong years to conceive. Surely God would not take this one from me…….However, three days after Christmas, we received the devastating news. I knew it was coming. I had a dream early in the morning on the day of my appointment where I was nursing my baby & the baby disappeared from my arms. I was frantically crying & trying to find my missing baby! Standing in the bedroom was a dark haired, dark eyed little girl who said “Don’t cry. I’ll be your little girl.” When I woke, I had been crying so much that my pillow was wet. I KNEW the appointment would not go well. My doctor was a friend who was a fine Christian man. He was excited we were expecting & tried to be very encouraging. I was skeptical. Then came the dreaded news….we cannot find a heartbeat…..
Several weeks later, I was returning home from taking my son to school & listening to a Moody radio station. The morning announcers were talking about “rejoicing in trials” from the book of James. They were laughing (‘joy’ of the Lord?) & talking about how we should laugh when trials come our way. They were really “on a roll.” The more I listened, the angrier I became. When I arrived at home, I called the station & asked to speak to one of them. When he answered, I (in southern terms) pitched a fit! I unloaded BOth barrels & then picked up the machine gun! How could I rejoice when I had just experienced another devastating loss? How could I laugh in the face of this reality? Why did God hate me so much? After I exploded on him, I attacked my closet with a vengeance. In the midst of my fury, I stopped. I realized I was (angrily) humming a tune.
God brought me to my knees as sobs overwhelmed me once again. The tune I was humming was a childhood staple at my home church. The words that went with the tune were:
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When SORROWS like sea billows roll
WHATEVER my lot, thou has taught me to say
It IS well–it is WELL with my soul.
My precious Father reminded me of His love, His compassion, & His faithfulness through an old hymn sung many times as mere words, but now hummed into my heart by His grace. No, everything was not immediately okay. I experienced severe depression for months, yet I was assured of His love, compassion, & grace.
BTW–several years later we adopted a precious 4 year old girl–who looked just like the little girl in my dream that awful December morning. GOD knew…….He was never unfaithful….I have just been a slow learner…….
My breakthrough was when the GOOD LORD changed my water into wine – he took my nothing and changed it into something beautiful. In a transition period after college I literally had no plans for the rest of my life. I finished nursing school and had no job, no boyfriend, and no place to go.
One day I got a random call from Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago and they wanted to know if I wanted an interview on the pulmonary/allergy unit. (I applied for this job months and months before – the same unit my nephew, Ben, was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, two years prior) It was my dream job and so I immediately said YES! …weeks later when I went to the interview I was escorted to the unit. While walking to the unit with this man from HR, I began to talk about my nursing career. I told him I went to Zambia, Africa on a nursing study abroad program. He asked me if it was a missions trip. Being professional, I said no it was a nursing study abroad program, but yes of course missions was involved. He told me he went to Moody Bible Institute and wanted to do missions himself. We talked the whole way to the unit and when we walked into the room where the managers were seated, he introduced me as “blessed Megan.” The manager immediately asked, why did you introduce her like that – you have never done that before… I told her we were talking about missions and she pulled up a seat and told me to sit down. Long story short, I found myself being interviewed in an inner-city hospital, with two Christian managers who had a passion for Africa and on the same unit I slept on when my nephew was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. The managers told me I had the job, even before I left. They said they knew from the moment I walked into the door they didn’t have to go any further. IT WAS ALL GOD! His fingerprints were ALL over it! Every detail.
It rocked my faith. The LORD literally weaved together every detail of my nursing career into this one job… but not just a job – my ministry, my life, my missions field. The place where I can be the hands and feet of Jesus to my patients. The place that holds so much pain and so much despair from watching my nephew go through the same things my patients are going through. It’s captivating. It’s overwhelming to now think how God can use my experiences to relate to my patients. Now, only working there a month, the Lord has given me such a deep desire to share Ben’s story and to let my patients know that I know their pain, I know their fears, but most importantly, I have a GOD WHO KNOWS!
GOD IS BIGGER. GOD IS HIGHER. GOD IS STRONGER. GOD IS ABLE AND GOD WILL.
I like to call it my healing in Houston trip. I live in Northwest Indiana and it was definitely still winter in my heart when the Siesta Scripture Memory Verse trip came about. I had not signed up due to us being chosen by a birth mom to adopt her child. The whole thing unraveled and we were left in a heap of tears after caring for her baby for 8 days. I knew God had plans and that this was not the end of His plan. A friend contacted LPM to see if I could tag along since I hadn’t registered, but had memorized my verses. Luckily they let me in as I was in desperate need of renewal. (And spending my first winter in NW IN it was glorious to get away from the snow for a weekend.) 🙂 It was a time when I gathered every word and clung to Jesus in every way shape and form.
*God was indeed not done with our story (and still isn’t). Our son was born in Feb! 🙂
Emily, that event meant so much to us, too. God ordained it Himself.
In the numbness of rock bottom…after spending my whole adult life being a mom and having one to rebel and leave home..entering the world of the unknown, I could hardly cope. Hadn’t I raised him the right way? Was I too strict? That’s it, I was too legalistic…all my fault. I wished I could just die. Honestly. Then one day in my stupor of daily living, it came without warning and I knew when it happened that I would wonder later if it really had happened. A glimpse. Just that quick, a glimpse of a day that I would stand and testify to that very situation that I was living in. In other words, I was allowed see ahead to the day that the current day was in the past AND better yet, that all this was temporary. In eternity I will look back and see it for the sliver of time that it really was. A glimpse that didn’t let me see heaven, so to speak, but more like I was looking back at all this. And that I would be standing. Only the totally bankrupt could appreciate the magnitude of this hope. Hope that I could not bear to imagine. It seemed impossible. Has the glimpse come true? Not yet. However, that rebellious son is now a wonderful family man and father to 3. He has not turned his life back over to God. But the story and the glimpse was really about me, surprisingly so. I was sinking so far down that I was thrown a lifeline to make it to another day.
During that same time someone asked me if I could turn it over to the Lord. I said, I want to but then I have to go home. I got on my knees to pray and there was a covering..not visible yet as if someone put a sheet over me. I knew that God was covering me with His love.
Whew… immediately after reading your question I was brought back to the moment that changed my life. It took place when I was a young mom at home with a toddler and an infant. I had been struggling for some time with extreme disappointment at how my life was turning out… marriage struggles, financial burdens, relational disappointments, etc, and all I could think in my self-pity and self-centeredness was, “I did NOT sign up for this!” As I sat wallowing in desperation God pierced me with this statement; “YOUR LIFE IS NOT ABOUT YOU!” He did not speak in an audible voice, but he may as well have… I knew it was a word from Him! I know to this day that word was given so that I would refocus my life with HIM in the center. My whole purpose in life IS ABOUT HIM. Whatever HE allowed to come across my path, whether good or bad, I needed to use it to bring HIM glory. From that moment on I have seen my life in a completely different light. God replaced my old pursuits, passions, and desires with desires for Him and His purposes and plans for my life. In that moment HE completely transformed my thinking!
Hi Beth! As I was reading I instantly remembered a moment where God spoke to me and immediately changed everything. I was dating my husband and was extremely disapointed with his spiritual life, always trying and “needing” to make him grow. Then one day I was talking to my brother (who is a pastor) and he noticed this and said something that impacted me and stuck to me ever since. It brought instant freedom to love my soon-to-be husband without burdening him in my spiritual expectations for him (I was reminded of this while reading So Long Insecurity too!). My brother said “the spiritual work in him is God’s, not yours.” It was one of those moments where you realize something and is instantly changed by the truth. I was constantly being brought down spiritualy by my frustrations with his spiritual life, instead of focusing on my growth so I could be an example and inspiration to him. But this one thing my brother said changed everything! This was over 6 years ago and I still remember!
My husband and I had decided we couldnt tithe because we had young children and I was staying at home to raise them. The sermon that Sunday was on trusting God to meet our needs when we give Him our money…ugggh
We were driving down the highway talking about how we needed to keep our money in savings and not tithe when we started smelling smoke. On the side of the highway with a broken car my husband said “Lord, are you trying to tell me something?” (in a laughing way)Well, turns out the bill to fix the car took every single penny out of our “saftey nest” savings account.
I belive God put us on the side of the highway. We have never missed a week of tithing since and God has blessed us beyond measure.
I have had two major events – one in which I did not even realize I had a wall up! – but others did. I am thinking of the second one, it was painful, yet a step in maturity in Jesus. My husband and I wanted were blessed with two children and had had two miscarriages. Out of the blue friends in another state called to say a coworker of the wife was pregnant. This young woman was a single mother already and finishing up college. She knew she could not keep this second pregnancy and asked our friends if they would adopt the baby. She was not a Christian, but our friends were and had shared Christ with her. They had five children of their own, prayed and found themselves calling us to see if we felt we should adopt the baby. We were thrilled, yet cautious. The mother did not need financial help and other than being there for the birth would keep us abreast of the pregancy on the phone as she was in another state. I had a long talk with mother, shared our love for Jesus and that this baby too would be brought up in a Christian home. We were moving (military family) to another state in the next few months and it felt like God was blessing this adoption as we found attorneys in both her state and the new state who wanted to help us with the adoption by only asking us to pay the court fees. Things were going smoothly, when I received a call one morning from my friend – she had been at the hospital all night – the young woman had had a miscarriage. She could not bring herself to disappoint us so asked my friend to call. We cried on the phone. I called a friend from our home Bible study group that was meeting that night and asked him to bring his guitar. I said I just felt like singing praises to God. I was so deeply hurt, yet the Holy Spirit knew this was what I needed as I would never have asked for this before. That night instead of our regular Bible Study we found out another couple in our group had just had a miscarriage earlier in the week and had not told anyone yet. We spent the next hour just singing praises and Thanksgiving to God. We prayed for the young mother and her life.
The next day I was able to call my friend and we concluded we may not ever know why God allowed the miscarriage to happen, but we had both shared Jesus with her and hopefully a seed had been planted. God never did bless us with more children, but after years of hurting over not having more children and praying, God mercifully took the pain away. Praise Him. Amie
Hey Beth,
Gotta tell you that i am in the Revelations of John with you and….YES I AM SOOOOOOOO BLESSED! And I must admit more burdened for the lost.
Here is my response to the topic: I went through a period of time with my husband when I saw some of the realities of who he was and felt betrayed and decieved with that information. It took 5 years of marriage to get face to face with the fact I was not going to change him or my life, but that head knowlege that my life belonged to Jesus and it is his to do with as he pleased brought up bitterness beyond what I thought I could bear. (Mainly, I was decived that I was NOT bitter)
It was a moment in my history I am not proud of, all the worst came out and I spent hours swimming laps with my goggles full of water and I assure you it was not from the pool. I could not stop crying. Jesus brought me the gift of confessin that He is Lord and I needed to submit and respect unconditionally.
Of couse our Lord, changed everything and there is so much joy in being married to my precious husband today. God has given us ministry to couples and I can stand arm in arm with wives to help see them through and testify to God’s power to redeem, restore and release. He uses many things and I am convinced that the pure in heart will see God. I know my God…….thanks Beth, you mentored me through that time.
In the Beloved,
~A~
I had a dream about a week ago where I was one on one telling you “my story” and as I woke up you were giving me a hug. At least I’m telling you part of my story here. How cool is that??!!
I was severely abused as a child. I won’t go into details, only to say it was up to and including satanic rital abuse. The biggest issue I had when going through the depth of my healing was being able to forgive the people involved. I had tried many times, only to have the volcano inside erupt and the anger over all that happened just come pouring out. One day while trying to deal with the anger I was once again reminded of Christ on the cross and saying “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” I would always respond by saying, “But they knew Lord! They knew what they were doing to me as a precious child”. I could never before get beyond this. But I wanted to. The Lord knew that. On this particular day I heard a still small voice inside saying, “No my precious one, they did NOT know what they were doing. All they wanted was to satisfy their own lustful, evil desires. Satan had so blinded them that they could not see what they were doing to you as a precious, innocent child. They didn’t know what they were missing by hurting you instead of getting to know you and all you had to give them.” I then had a picture of me in the woods with them and I knew the Lord was right. They did NOT know what they were doing. They really didn’t. They were really blind. I could literally see the anger, rage, hate I was holding onto from a child on up just melt away and it was gone. IT WAS GONE. In it’s place was peace and sadness for what those people had missed and for what I had missed. But the anger–it was GONE!
Dearest Kathy, I remember coming to that same kind of realization in Christ. It was very healing. Christ’s love is so powerful.
Kathy that is so encouraging! Im sorry for your abuse but I am glad for you experiencing God’s miraculous healing power!!!
Completely random…I work for the Minister of Education at FBC Clarksville, TN. He is at a conference in Dallas with Max Lucado speaking. He was giving me an assignment via text message and at the end of my reply I jokingly said “Oh, and tell Max Dana said hey!” He said “Will do.” I get to work this morning and he’s sent me an email attaching a pic of him with Max Lucado! I replied “If I could have my pic made with Beth, I’d be just as happy as you are now!” Just had to say it! Thanks for listening!
After my brother died in an accident when I was 16, my grandfather said it would have been better off if I had died because my brother had more to offer. That exacerbated my pain and guilt so, I built a wall around my heart for 20 years, never seeking healing from the Lord as the pain was too deep. Many years later after I took a study Women of God Reflecting God’s Glory, I finally believed I was a child of the King, but I still hurt so deeply concerning the loss of my only sibling. I never let anyone close to my heart, and upon reflection, hadn’t let God into that pain even though I had prayed for healing for 20 years. I had prayed for a sister for 20 years as well. He answered my prayer and I met a friend who called me her sister, her family, her best friend. I was still hesistant to share the pain of many years ago, but she told me she’d always be there and wanted to be the sister I never had. I expressed my fear that she’d leave my life too if I shared my deep pain because I knew the pain was great. She encouraged me to share and said she’d go through the journey with me so I shared. We cried together and we prayed together. After awhile she said many, many things that were hurtful as I journeyed with the Lord to get deeper into my past and when I tried to address this with her she became very angry and sent me an email stating she didn’t want to be friends and that she only said the things she did to me because she thought I needed to hear them. In that one instant of reading that email I lost my sister…so it was like losing my brother again. I was then, in that instant, through my sobs, in that pain from many, many years ago. That started the healing process of my heart. And, right after that I took the class Breaking Free, which was the perfect timing to enable me to finally grieve! While the method of finally dealing with my grief was gut wrenching to grieve for my brother AND my new sister at the same time, God’s thoughts and ways are higher than mine and to Him I give all honor and praise. Although my “sister”, broke my already broken heart into more pieces than I could imagine, He picked them up one by one until my heart was once again whole.
Tammie,
I lost my brother and only sibling – the person I loved more than any other – eight years ago. I feel your pain so much. God has such purpose for you. He promises to work ALL, ALL, ALL things together for GOOD, because you are called according to His purpose. Sending you hugs and comfort.
We just got back from Ridgecrest and I could easily say the time there did so much to remove a lot of lingering junk but what sealed it was that Mercy Seat song Thur morning! All four of the women from my group had the same feeling and it still amazes me how one song, sung for the Lord’s glory can just bring you to your spiritual knees!
We just got back from Ridgecrest and I could easily say the time there did so much to remove a lot of lingering junk but what sealed it was that Mercy Seat song Thur morning! All four of the women from my group had the same feeling and it still amazes me how one song, sung for the Lord’s glory can just bring you to your spiritual knees! Let’s just say that none of you where in the Spirit’s way, rather the opposite! Thank you!
WOW!! God’s timing so AMAZES me! I have not looked at Your blogs in a while, just because of time constraints. I was fortunate enough to be in the gathering you mentioned in this blog. God really spoke such revelation and healing to me the entire time and with each speaker more and more. I had been part of a church plant, along with my husband and two other couples, a few years ago and God was doing such wondrous things. Until slowly the focus of one of the couples became about “human effort” and copying what other churches were doing to get people to come. Instead of seeking what God had for “this” church. We prayed and sought God for over a year to change the heart of this couple to no avail. It became very evident that God was calling my husband and I and the other couple out, after a lengthy time of endurance. Which I spent most of the time in the word seeking God. To hear your message and Curtis’ message was really the revelation I needed to break free from bitterness, and the feelings of betrayal. To have a heart burdened for that couple and pray for them. The scriptures you spoke on in the thursday morning message were very eye opening for me, especially the Gal. 3:3. Knowing that things can start out in the Spirit, but then become about human effort when people take their eyes off the Lord. I wondered many, many times had we all been deceived, had we been foolish for being apart of this church plant, but now I see that I need to be in much prayer for this couple. Your theme for the message was looking to the Future and I intend to do just that. I thank you so much for your dedication and inspiration. You are in my prayers and I have learned so much from the studies you write and always learn so much from the times I have been able to hear you speak. It is always relevant to what season my life is in, and I Praise God for You and you sharing your heart with women. You do make a difference in my life and many others. May God continue to BLESS You, Your Ministry and Family. Your sister in Christ!
i was driving home from work last saturday night with a sense of frustration over God’s silence on the issue of his calling me into ministry. felt an overwhelming sadness and cried out to him to speak, or i’m quitting end of the year.
this happened after a season of my searching his face and begging for a new word on the old topic of my “calling”.
woke up the next morning and found a text on my phone from a friend who’s never texted me before. she texted me at 1am about 30 min after my prayer to God. she said the Lord woke her from her sleep and put me on her heart. she said she felt my pain and knew God wanted her to text me right there with the specific words in the text.
the words were from isaiah 61:1 and specially meaningful since in the margin on my bible near that verse is this statement: affirm the call to ministry 2004.
God is so big. i grew up in a conservative background – not at all charismatic but believe strongly in the holy spirit’s work in my life.
i’m still overwhelmed by this event. thx for letting me share. when God speaks, he speaks.
Ok, LOVED this week at Ridgecrest! AWESOME!! I have one very important question. I can’t get that cute stinkin blouse you had on the last day. The tie dyed looking one with a bow. PLEASE tell me where you got it so I can let it rest.
I too need so many breakthroughs right now and feel as if God is breaking through each and every day and minute and am so very grateful. I have share of my son’s struggles. They are going to put something like a pacemaker in his back to try to stop the pain in his leg. I am praying that God will break through my pain in my heart and He will restore the my son’s faith relationship. My son has begun to sing again for which I am grateful and he went back to church but he is still angry and has so many questions. I see God break through my fears each day I am able to get up and get through my day. Thanks for the Posts.
Twenty five years ago I married a wonderful, talented Christian man. Right from the beginning though, something was off in our relationship. I had no idea what it was but there was a lack of enthusiasm that shouldn’t have been there and a guardedness to him that kept me from feeling like he would ever share the deepest part of himself. Over the years I spent many, many times on my knees begging God to show me what it was in me that made him hold back, and begging God to heal whatever it was that was keeping us from having the relationship that I knew we could have.
God used this deep desire in me bring about an openness in me to Himself that he used to teach me many deep and wonderful things about Himself. Although my husband and I learned to appreciate each other more and communicate better over the years there was still that last barrier between us that never wavered. It was like having a big beautiful package sitting under the Christmas tree with my name on it, only I was never allowed to open it.
There was a place in my heart that felt like it would never heal and I came to pray not so much for healing my relationship with my husband, but for an acceptance of the situation and contentment with the many, many blessings that God had already bestowed on me.
Two years ago we attended a marriage course held at our church. I went with the attitude that there is always something more to learn and even if I could learn only one or two more tips it would be worth the time. God had much bigger things in mind.
Several weeks into the program we were sitting quietly at our table filling out our work books which we would later exchange and discuss with our spouses (each couple has their own table so everything was private, no group discussions.) The question was asking me to look at my own attitudes and see if there was anything negative that needed to be confessed and released. I sat there quietly asking the Lord to reveal to me anything I needed to be aware of, honestly nothing was coming to mind, but I needed to put something down and I figured that, being human, there is always something that could use improvement so I was determined to stay with the question until I could answer it.
Several things happened at once, The presence of the Lord suddenly fell upon me. I had to grab the table to keep from falling off my chair. I felt him tell me very sternly that I was standing in the way of what God wanted to do in my husband’s heart. And I suddenly saw as I never had before, that I had an attitude of spiritual superiority towards my husband, and a deep sense of shame and need to confess to the Lord filled me. But almost at that very same moment a peace that I had never felt before filled my heart with God’s forgiveness. I had never been able to fully grasp a sense of the Lord’s forgiveness for anything in my life, so this was a revelation all in itself. I humbly filled in my answer to the question.
Later when we were driving home my husband was very quiet at first and then he turned to me (I was driving) and suddenly began to share all things on his heart that he had never shared before. I actually had to ask him to wait till we got home because I was afraid I was going to cause an accident on the freeway. What he had to tell me was painful to hear but I was so grateful for the openness and honesty that in spite of what he was saying I was thrilled and awed that he finally felt safe enough to share. It was such a release, we stayed up all night talking. He ended up taking the next day off from work so we could talk some more. The next day he took off again and we went back to all the places in our relationship that we had been at when our relationship started, and we reclaimed that ground and prayed over each place that God would bring healing to those memories and allow us to start over.
The next year was really like dating each other again. Things were a little awkward between us as we tried figure out what our relationship looked like now, and also we needed time to re-establish a new foundation of trust based on the truth and openness. We both had a lot of healing to do.
This past year has been like a working honeymoon. We have been having fun doing things that are new and special, we have 24 years of catching up to do! We are so grateful that God has given us this second chance. We recently celebrated our 25th anniversary and it was definitely the best one yet!
That’s an AMAZING testimony Lori! Thank you so much for sharing!
Such a precious testimony, Lori!! I love this and I’m so glad that your marriage is thriving and lovely! Praise Him!
Kristi 🙂
I second that Lori! I appreciate your honesty and thanks for sharing!
My “aha” moment came about a year ago. I’ll never forget it.
When I first started walking with the Lord, I was incredibly attracted to the doctrine of eternal security. Over the years, however, my faith in eternal security waned until I no longer believed in it at all – although I would never admit it. During these years, I had many “dark” times full of insecurity, pride, spiritual snobbiness, loneliness, and finally despair.
I was so confused. Along with my belief in eternal security, I also lost faith in the doctrine of salvation through faith alone. The Bible seem so contradictory to me. One minute it said that nothing could snatch us from His hand, and the next minute I’d be losing heart over some verse that indicated I’d lose my salvation if I did/didn’t do something. I began to believe the Bible wasn’t truly God’s word.
Over the years, I had collected many verses and filed them away in my brain. They were sort of like puzzle pieces that didn’t fit together. The subjects of eternal security and salvation were constantly on my mind. After one particularly difficult week at work, I drove to Lowes to purchcase something for a work project. I was by myself, and I remember sitting in the parking lot in the company van thinking about salvation. I remember thinking about how difficult life was even without spiritual insecurity. I remember thinking how I could deal with anything in life, if I could only know that I was saved, and that nothing could take that away.
It sounds dramatic, but suddenly all the puzzle pieces fit together. The verses that seemed so disparate suddenly came together to form a picture of salvation. Verses about adoption, being born again, being like children, and being a child of God suddenly made sense. It was as though my eyes were opened. I realized that salvation wasn’t just a decision to follow Christ, but it was – at its root – a change in who I was. I was a child of God. Once a child, always a child.
Once I got the issue of salvation straightened out, the issue of eternal security naturally followed. I praise and thank God that He allowed me to figure out the answer for myself by allowing me to struggle all those years. And because of that, I am very passionate about eternal security now. I know the kind of pain that the opposite view can bring, and I want every child of God to know the security they have in Christ.
Hi Moore Women!
This past Tuesday I celebrated my birthday by hosting a “burning and burial of my past” ceremony. One friend said that it was an external representation of all that God has been doing in my life for the past year and a half through Celebrate Recovery. This only just happened and I am meditating and praying over all that took place but I am looking ahead to see the fruit of deliverance in the coming weeks, months and years. So far so good!
If you’d like to read my reflection on it thus far, check it out: http://susanita.wordpress.com/2010/11/11/hell-be-damned/
Last fall, my mother and I had a severe fallout. It was devastating to our relationship then. One day, I was talking to my husband about what my mom had done to me (the words she had said, the things she had done) and I said, through sobs, “What am I supposed to do? I feel like I just can’t forget about what’s happened.” He simply responded, “Baby, you just have to get over it. Stop this. And get over it.” The moment he said it, I knew he was right. I had to move on. It hurt to hear him say it that way, but I know God needed me to hear it spoken exactly that way for me to realize that it was time to get past the past. Sometimes men don’t have the most wonderful way with words, but maybe that’s why: their bluntness gets the point across better. Anyway, my mama and I have resolved our issues. Our relationship is healed and forgiveness had everything to do with it.