Good morning, Siestas! I just had a malfunction on the moderation page and, when I closed down and tried to reopen, I think it may have eaten about nine comments to the previous post. I’m so sorry if yours was one of them! I hate when that happens. All four Jones and Melissa, and I are packing up and heading to North Carolina to be part of a gathering near Asheville at Ridgecrest Conference Center. We are so excited to be together and to serve together. We also can’t wait to be with Travis who is family to all of us Moore/Jones/Fitzpatricks. We wish Angela, Jack, Lily Kate, and Levi were going, too! That would be the ultimate. We’ll also have so many other friends there – a reunion of sorts in a lot of ways. Anyway, you won’t waste a prayer on any of us. We never get this thing down. We pray not to get in the way of the Holy Spirit and that the pleasure of Christ will be upon us all. The group will be smaller than our LPL gatherings which means we’ll be able to see many faces and hug lots of necks. It will be water to our thirsty souls.
OK, so it’s TUESDAY! And that means it’s time for you to talk. Here is today’s topic:
Talk to me about a memorable time in your life when God broke through your hardheartedness, doubt, numbness or bitterness (or maybe even grief) with what almost seemed like a single stroke. In other words, has there ever been a time in your life when an event, a moment, or sudden revelation was used by God to crumble a wall that had long since been in place? I’ve been mulling over how a single God-ordained moment can change an entire season. If you’ve had one of those, describe it. After so many other things hadn’t “worked,” why do you think the breakthrough came like it did? (Keep in mind, some things just remain mysteries to us.) Take your time and think it through. Let it cause you some thanksgiving while you’re at it.
I will look so forward to your answers! You are dear to me, Sisters. May Christ be continually attracted to this community we call Siestaville.
After years of struggling with similar difficulties in dealing with people, I was lying awake one night thinking through yet another situation I was dreading the next day, I laid it all out on the table with God in my prayer. Finally, I confessed that the only common denominator in all those situations was me so I asked God to show me what I needed. My answer came in my next thought, a specific command, five words that I would need in the next few hours and that ultimately would give me a new approach to life. Simply, “Don’t be in a hurry.” Changed my day and changed my life.
Toward the end of my pregnancy with my second child, I was feeling VERY large and sad and all sorts of other negative emotions that arise when I compare myself to what our culture idolizes as beautiful. One day, I was really fed up with my attitude and how it was spilling over into my everyday life and I pleaded with God to talk to me about the issue. He very clearly told me that “I was beautiful” because I was doing just what He created me to do at that time, bear a child. He told me He was proud of me for sacrificing my body, my comfort, and, especially, my pride for the sake of the indescribable blessing about to come my way…a precious baby.
I struggled for most of my adult life with forgiving a relative. Finally, one day when I was cleaning out our bedroom closet, the Lord decided to clean out my closet. I knew He wanted me to forgive this person. But, Lord, I objected, they really wronged me. He spoke to my heart, that of course they wronged me, I wouldn’t need to forgive someone who hadn’t wronged me. Somehow, it all made sense then, and I forgave them. I’ve had to go back and reforgive them a few times, but the groundwork was laid that day.
I grew up in the church, became a Christian at eight years old, but for some reason, never understood or heard the concept of grace. I was always in search of perfection, pleasing people to make them happy and to make God happy with me. At the age of seventeen, I had had enough, knowing that I was far from perfect and would never be good enough for anyone, much less God. So, while on the outside, I was still “the good girl” doing the good girl walk, I was going my own way in life and not consulting God about anything. Fast forward to age 33, married to my high school sweetheart with two wonderful boys and a great career, but miserable and empty inside. I sunk into depression and began planning how to end my life. On the night that I set aside, with my husband at work and children asleep, I was lying in bed in with the lights off working up the nerve and energy to end my life when I saw a vision of myself in a deep, dark pit and God’s Hand extended to me. I realized that He knew I would never be good enough, but loved me still. That began a life what became my true Christian life. God led me to a Sunday School class, (in God’s own sense of humor, called the GRACE class) where I finally learned about grace and a godly woman began to mentor me. Now, my children all grown and I am the woman mentoring young moms and helping them to know it is not about perfection, but about God’s mercy and grace.
Blessings to all, and especially to you, Beth and your many families! :).
I’m not sure if these are the kinds of experiences you need or not, but they are what came to mind. :).
I had a season where I turned my back on God with anger and hurt and bitterness. He broke that wall down piece by piece, inspired word by word from people, and inspiration in Christian radio programs and teaching.
My other experience happened with the guidance of some very fine Christian counseling. I had built walls and walls of protection. God helped the girl inside grow up, and the walls of protection weren’t needed as much. I could learn to say no or yes and rely on God to help protect me from real harm. .
I am so very thankful for all He has done to help me and to love me and be my friend and confidant and teacher! His goodness is overwhelming!
done talked but it not printed on blog, so to better answer the question- dont know why all my postings being deleted, but guess there a reason for it beyond Me. the one big way God has reached me is that when All others have abandoned me, god didn’t. and when i face indecision and fear and doubt and also when i get overconfident and lose my humble heart and talk bigger than i am, each time i am going away god has a way of bringing me back and i dont ever do anything perfect, but god loves me anyway. and thanks alot for indulging me to blog on here, and im so sorry for the little dog with 2 days to live yet, Know that there are doggies in heaven waiting to welcome this little one home.
Hi there Miss Beth,
I am SO Glad that you got to spend some quiet time away from the “big city” this past weekend ! I need just that, and my life isn’t nearly as stressful as yours is…
This has got to be the easiest question ever posted on the Siestaville Blog; for me, anyways. It took me back 7 and a half years, though; but the ending of “my story” is a very set SWEET set of memories for me. God decided to do His incredible work within me in Spring 2003. But, His “tools” felt like “sledgehammers and great big saws” ! You see, my heart was so blocked off that even I did not realize that the walls around it must have been 10 feet, and 11 years thick. But, over about a month’s time, God worked, 24/7 upon me and my heart. I had been learning from His Precious Word for only 6 months [with Miss Beth’s help through her studies] when the walls began to crumble. At first, all I could do was cry … But, then He nudged me, and bit by bit, I began to pray whole-heartedly to Him. Then, all of the sudden, through a teensy-weensy little crack in that wall, the “sledgehammer” must have SMASHED
Oops, I hit some buttons, and it sent my message to Siestaville before I finished….
… SMASHED through these walls that seemed to me that NOBODY could get through… And, then, I knew it just HAD to be GOD HIMSELF, because no-one else could have done what happened to me next… It almost felt as if my entire being, body, soul, and spirit, were over-flowing with LOVE; God’s love…
Then, less than 3 weeks later, I began to ask God all of the really “deep” issues that I had locked up so tightly inside of my so badly broken heart… And, it seemed to me like each Tuesday night at Bible study, God gave me a “rhema verse [or verses]” to hold onto regarding my life. The one that comes back to me now is one that Miss Beth spoke about during “Beloved Disciple”; John 16:33…
Anyhow, to make a VERY long story “short”, my questions ended up with someone from Miss Beth’s church leading me to sweet salvation in Christ Jesus on the Monday before Easter Sunday. HALLELUJAH !!! And, I am not even sure when it happened, but it must have been sometime after I was able to “articulate what I wanted from Him” [whose words came from the lady who was assisting and encouraging me]… I felt something that almost cannot be put into words; but all I know is that I was UTTERLY and JOYFULLY speechless for at least 3 minutes; and yet I could hear these 3 ladies talking “around me” … Now I know that it was as if I had been “Saul/Paul”, who had fallen off of his donkey, and was literally AWE-STRICKEN… Not in today’s terms, but in their original meaning… I was in sheer AWE of what had just happened to me… And, it was so incredibly wonder-filled, as all that I could feel was God’s Love, Peace, and Joy… However, as Miss Beth has shared on Life Today; now that I allowed God Himself to “break my heart open”, the feelings that I have are either extreme on the joy-filled side, or the sad and grief-stricken side. And yet, I KNOW that I KNOW that God’s Holy Spirit entered into me that afternoon, as I could practically “feel” HIM enter my heart; so, I KNOW that He is with me, and I can praise Him for that truth…
Even when my dear and precious Daddy [Duane] had lost his battle with Leukemia the day after Easter in 2008; I KNEW that the Lord was with my family and me… But, a much more incredible piece of knowledge hit me at the same time; I knew that I knew that I knew that “my precious Daddy” was seeing Jesus face to face right at the moment he stopped breathing here on this Earth… 🙂 And, no feeling could be better than that knowing such a truth… 🙂
In Christ’s Love,
Jennifer Olmstead
Janesville, WI
On December 1999, I was tired of Christmas. I had taken down my Christmas tree and was returning to my house from the storage building. It was one of those sunny but biting cold days we have in the Texas Panhandle. I saw a lady walking. I don’t know why, but I assumed she was going to the grocery store. I did not notice the luggage she was carrying.
I was compelled to stop and see if she needed anything. I asked her if she needed a ride somewhere, still thinking it would be to the grocery store. She got in my car and said “Yes, I am going to Lincoln, Nebraska but anywhere you can take me in that direction would be nice.” I really wasn’t planning on leaving town.
She said she had just gotten off the bus, because that was as far as the bus would take her since she was out of money. I didn’t even know we had a bus stop in our town.
I told her I could take her to Borger. I knew where the bus stop was and I could pay for her to go as far as my money would allow. I had a little money I had recieved for Christmas.
She got in and we headed the 15 miles to the bus stop.
I had been questioning God’s love for me. I had prayed, God if you love me, show me. We were in the car and she looked at me and said “Oh, God wants me to tell you he loves you. See that X in the sky where the planes are crossing. God is telling you he loves you.” I am saying nothing because I am speechless. I am rarely speechless.
She then said, God also wants me to tell you not to panic this next year. I am not really the panicking kind so that part didn’t mean much to me. I was however amazed that God would use this lady to answer my prayer. I always know now that God loves me. This morning on my way to work, I was running late, I looked at the sky and so an X where 2 planes were crossing and said thank you Lord for loving me.
There is more to this story.
In March after this happened in December. I recieved a 2AM phone call, My nephew had been killed in a car wreck. It has been 10 years and I still miss him everyday. But, I was immediately reminded that I had a God who loved me and I need not panic. I needed to pray, for my mom, for my sister and her family and for myself. I know God got my family through this. During our grief God was with us all. The first 10 days were so painful I could not do anything but what someone told me to do. The first Wednesday night after the funeral I went to church to the women’s prayer meeting. I said, I can’t function my grief is too much. One lady prayed for me. As she was praying my grief was lift. I felt it leave. I was still devasted but could once again function. My grief was different from that moment on. It was an immediate change.
I know this is long, It is the 1st time I have ever written about this. I am not sure my words are even coming out right. The story continues. In August my husband became very sick. His illness is very painful and it came on very suddenly. I didn’t know what to do. There was a physical component and a psychological component to this illness. I was truly scared. Knowing God loved me and would not leave me to handle this alone has gotten me through the last 10 years of his illness. I love my Savior. I was visiting with a friend recently. She knows what my day to day life is like and she commented, I know you are tired, I don’t know how you manage day to day, but you still trust God, and you look rested.
“Come unto me all you who are weak and heavy laden, I will give you rest.”
Thank you for letting me share two times where God changed me immediately. Once in my unbelive and once in my grief.
Jana your words came out beautiful and clear. That is an awesome testimony of God’s intervening in your life! Blessings on you!
How I wish I could be there at beautiful Ridgecrest and sit under all of the amazing sessions! A very close friend gets to go from Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, VA and I can’t wait to hear her report. I bet she gets to hug your neck . . . and I’m JEALOUS! Love all of you . . . Moores/Jones/Fitzpatricks and the Cottrells. God bless you, every one.
After hitting rock bottom and finding myself in a pit, I begged the Lord to forgive me, which He did. However, satan was not about to let me forget it. I struggled for several years being captive to satan’s lies that I would never be used by God. He continued to tell me that if anyone knew what I had done they would never forgive me.
I was attending a Christian college at the time and had begun to date a wonderful Christian man. I knew the time had come where I needed to tell him all that had happened in my life. I was ready for him to tell me GOODBYE and figured that would be the end of the relationship.
While on a walk one evening I got up the courage to tell him the whole ugly truth. When I finished, I braced for the “goodbye” but what I got instead was the words that changed my life forever. He said, “Kimberly, if God has forgiven you, who am I not to.”
At that moment, truth was breathed into my soul. I realized that what God had done in my life couldn’t be undone by what anyone else thought. The God of the Universe had forgiven me!!! Those words he spoke were exactly what I needed to begin my journey to complete freedom! ;o)
Precious.
Here’s my breakthrough grief story: God spoke very clearly to my heart one night almost 2 years ago. I was laying in bed alone and the house was quiet. I felt an unseen presence standing next to me and I heard (in my heart) the words, “Trust Me. I’m doing something here.” It was so clear I responded outloud, “Okay.” I felt His presence leave and I went to sleep. That was about 10 p.m. Around 4 a.m. I woke up and realized I was passing large clots. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant and quickly realized I was having a miscarriage. I went to the hospital and what I suspected was confirmed. This was my 4th child. He or she was gone. I walked through such an intense period of grief the next few months. I feel like I wouldn’t have survived the grief without the Lord telling me to trust Him a few hours in advance of the miscarriage. He told me to trust Him BEFORE it happened! He gave me the promise that He was doing “something here.” I held on tight to His words. I repeated them over and over. His word became life to me. So precious. I may never know exactly what that “something” was that He was doing, but I know my relationship with Him is much deeper and more intimate than it was. Praise God!
A powerful question, Beth! There was a long time that the tears would not come–for whatever reason. Three years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Praise God, it was caught very early, but because of a previous cancer and treatment, my only course was mastectomy. During my recovery God used a very godly minister(my associate pastor) to remind me not only of His love for me, but His willingness to use me in His service and praise God, the tears came back–tears of gratitude and unworthiness.
A couple of years ago we were caught in the Real Estate collapse. We were facing 4 foreclosures and certain bankruptcy. One day I was praying and crying out to the Lord and telling Him that we only started this business to please Him and that we thought we had listened well and sought Him out before starting it. But we wanted to serve Him and please Him. In that moment I heard Him nearly audibly say, “This pleases me more.”
In that moment I knew that we would go through the whole process of loss and financial devastation, but that He would walk us through it and that His name would be glorified and what He would pull out of my husband and I would please Him more than a rescue.
It’s been two years and I wish there was room to tell of the blessings Dave and I have witnessed as a result of “pleasing God” in such an unimaginable way. We are just about the most blessed people on the planet I’m sure. God is so good. And the journey with Him is so rewarding, I wouldn’t trade what God has taken us through for anything.
Nanna Joy
Several years ago I was a 32 yr old daddy’s girl and mother of three, with my youngest child being just four years old. My 55-year-old dad had been staying with me for about a month while he was recovering from surgery. On this particular night my husband was at work, and all of us had gone to bed. My four-year-old daughter Elaina was sleeping in my bed that night. As she snuggled up to me while we slept, I suddenly woke up with the realization that her little body was burning up with fever. With her temperature over 103 I went downstairs to get her some medicine.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs my dad was awake and standing at the front door looking out into the darkness. He turned and looked at me and asked me if I too was having trouble sleeping. I got my daughter’s medicine and came back and said goodnight again to my dad. Before I went up the stairs though my dad pulled me in for a long lingering hug and then he put his lips to my forehead and kept them there for several long seconds. Then he said I love you and we said goodnight. Those were the last words my dad ever spoke to me…in the morning we discovered to our shock that he had died in his sleep.
For the next year I was so mad at God. My dad was my hero, and I missed him so much. I wasn’t myself. I was lost. I would confess it often…God I’m so sorry I’ve been so mad at you…the next day…God please help me to stop being mad at you…God I am so MAD at you! It just wouldn’t go away!
Nearly a year after my dad died I began a Bible Study (Breaking Free). The second day of the study happened to fall on the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death. That day the scripture was Isa 6:1 “In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord….” The study was talking about how God sometimes removes the heroes in our lives so that we can see him and how sometimes it isn’t the existence of something new but the removal of something old that opens our eyes to the kingship of God.
On this one-year anniversary of my dad’s death I read the words, “In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died-I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or-I saw the Lord?”
After reading those words with tears rolling down my cheeks, I got down on my knees and decided to get real with God. I was MAD! I let him have it! I told him I was angry and I told him why! I told Him that all my life I had heard that He knew me better than anyone else, and if that was true then He KNEW how much my dad meant to me and how much I needed him and yet He took him anyway. And yet He claimed to love me! While I was in the midst of this the most random thought came into my head…so perfectly clear I almost thought I had heard it out loud. It was, “You know Elaina never did get sick that day.” I didn’t even know where that came from and I just dismissed it and kept telling God exactly why and how he had wronged me. A few minutes later I “heard” it again, the very same sentence, “You know, Elaina never did get sick that day”. This time I just said out loud to God, “What does THAT have to do with anything?!” As soon as those words came out of my mouth I suddenly knew. And I broke. I knew EXACTLY what God was saying to me. He IS God…and He did know how much I loved my dad and how much he meant to me and how much it would hurt to lose him. And because of that He woke me up and sent me downstairs to say goodbye. As I said, I BROKE! I had been blaming God and accusing him of not loving me for a year…and now he was showing me that he loved me so much he gave me something very special to hang onto for the rest of my life. He orchestrated things so that I would read those words on the exact one-year anniversary of my dad’s death. He made my dad unable to sleep at just the right time. That day I was able to let go of the anger and embrace God’s love for this foolish foolish child of His.
Tears. Blessing. Thank you for sharing. Isn’t God wonderful?!
You blessed this daddy’s girl. Our Father does love us so intimately.
I am amazed at the patience God has with us. I marvel how he was there for His people Isreal in the Old Testament days in that they time and again dishonored Him and yet He forgave them and continued to bless them. In my life, I decided 12 yrs ago that I needed to get a job. Now I lived in a rural area and my hubby is a farmer/rancher and we made a respectable living without me working outside the home but with the kids grown I felt I needed to get a job and feel more self worth! I found a job and for six yrs I commuted 40 miles each way to work at a job I hated. I would come home from working at a call center for a leading hotel franchise, I would be physically and mentally spent but then my hubby needed a meal as he was always gone all day. I was a physical and mental mess. Finally one day, I decided this was it, I oculd not take the work any longer. I did not know how we were gona make it without all the perks the job offered me. A friend told me to trust God and I did and He came through. We have been fine without my working but hubby has gotten so accustomed to that extra check that he and I both thought I ought to find another job. I studied medical transcription so I could get a work at home job. There wasn’t one. Then I studied medical coding, I finished the course again no job. I then took a job at a fast paced medical facility in an office setting. They went through three employees before me and I succumbed to the demands of the job too and resigned. Then this spring I tried another work at home opportunity. I fell flat on that one too. One day my grown daughter asked me “do you think, Mom, that God is trying to tell you that He wants you at home and no job???” WHy did I not catch that before I went through all of this??? Why did I not trust God more in this?? I should have seen this long before going through all this work! Now, I am volunteering for Hospice. I am teaching Sunday School again. I have started writing again which is my first love. I am less depressed, more focused and even in better physical shape than I have been in years. When we are going against the tide it is so hard when we give in to the waves we can float and not work so hard to keep on top of the waves. This was my latest aha moment my revelation from God. I thank Him for His great patience. He must have a sense of humor at our denseness at times!!!
Isn’t it funny how we search for meaning in working outside the home? Thank you for sharing your story. It’s one I’ve dealt with myself. Blessings!
Last year at Breakforth Canada, I was in a seminar with Mary Kassian on the Holiness of God. God gave her a stern message on how cavalier we are toward Him when he is Holy Holy Holy. God used that hour to break me from the bondage of sin I had committed with my husband before we were married. I did not even know the chains that had bound me until He so graciously revealed it. In a moment God changed me forever by not only forgiving my sins, but He also revealed his GRACE by giving me the opportunity to repent before he returned! For the first time I finally saw how short our time on this earth really is and Jesus can come at any moment. I worshiped Him for not allowing me to enter judgement with these chains still holding me down. How awesome is He that He wishes no one to perish from our sins – including me.
Makes me think of Addison Road’s song, “What Do I Know Of Holy?”
My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for more than a year and a half with absolutely no success. One day, after another “that time of the month” had come right as scheduled I was feeling especially hopeless about the prospects of ever having a baby. I remember clear as day that it was raining outside (a rarity in Los Angeles) and we were driving in the car, and I was moping and feeling sorry for myself in the passenger seat. I felt like God spoke to me right there at a red light and said, “Christy, if you knew that next month would be THE month you found out that you were pregnant, would it change your attitude right now?” “Well yes, of course,” I thought. “I’d be overjoyed and would be so happy – I certainly wouldn’t be moping.” And I felt like God say, “Then why aren’t you acting like that now? You really should be living as if your deliverance is nigh.” It was a wake up call for me and helped me to realize that I wasn’t putting my hope exclusively in Jesus, and instead was wanting to have my identity in something else as well – specifically in motherhood. My hope (and my attitude and emotions) needed to be found Jesus and nothing else, come what may. I didn’t get pregnant the next month, but through the process of embryo adoption (and now more than two years later) I type this while holding my nearly-three-month-old miracle of a son. Infertility was a season God needed to show me that my joy has to come from hope in Him alone. And though it was difficult, I wouldn’t trade that lesson for anything.
Reminds me of Romans 12. I heard it in Sunday’s sermon, every devotional for 5 days, and even a Facebook post today: “[Be] joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer.”
Congratulations on your little man! God is so good to us, isn’t he?
I don’t know if there has ever been a moment. I’ve always done things the hard way. Can I also use the gravestone words “God got tired” on my gravestone, too, Beth? It would be appropriate for me, too! I do feel like this summer while doing the Ruth bible study and being away from my normal life I started to see things a little more clearly and felt like maybe I could move on from the pain of my past. I still get overwhelmed by it sometimes and just cry, but I’m pushing through and moving on, even writing a devotional book right now. This time of year is especially difficult for me because of all of the emphasis on family and my family can barely stand me (my parents and siblings), so being around them is very painful. They constantly criticize. Sometimes I wish they would just disown me and be done with it. It would sure be a lot easier. As it is my pastor says I need to continue reaching out to them and be a light to my non-Christian family, but it’s so hard and I usually end up acting like an idiot and not being a good witness.
Oh, one other thing I thought of after posting this. When I first accepted Christ 15 years ago I was smoking pot on almost a daily basis. I haven’t smoked pot since then. I guess I just didn’t think of it as instant victory because I’ve been so tempted so many times since then, but never caved to that temptation.
Mine was recently on an airplane to Washington, DC. I was going to lead worship at a youth conference, and had brought along the book I’d been meaning to read all year, So Long Insecurity. I knew it would be good, but I was honestly not prepared for what would happen to my heart while reading it. I got through the first chapter, and I began to almost sqirm in my seat because I felt like the Lord had a megaphone and was screaming every word at me! To be able to just identify my insecurity and my hurt and the WHY of it all, began a process of healing that the Lord ordained for my entire weekend, really. He perfectly orchestrated every conversation I had to bring more and more healing…He’s so good…I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out and that it was just magic and I’m A-OK, but I am TRUSTING and BELIEVING HIM to continue to heal my heart. And I’m excited to read the other half to truly let go and live with SOUL SECURITY. Thanks so much for your book, Beth. Thank you, Father for using her to write to my soul!
I had gone through a season of walking by faith when giving up a corporate job to become a teacher. Jobs are SO hard to come by, that I was literally leaning on the Lord DAILY to give me faith that He would provide a job. The first year after I received my credential, the Lord brought be 2 back to back long term substitute jobs- and I was/am grateful that I worked EVERY day that school year( Oh he is SO SO faithful!) but I YEARNED for a “real” teaching job- a lot of that was my ego speaking, and that year of subbing was a true lesson in humility. The following summer I was begging God daily, and believing beyond reason that He WOULD give me a job. Praise Him- I had two offers- one of them with the district I feared I was not “good enough” for. Every day, as I go to work, I know that I am driving towards my very own miracle. I will never doubt Him again. Praise Him for giving me more than I ever could have dreamed.
Texas sounds like Southwest Kansas. Tonight I hear the wind blowing in from Colorado. North of us there will be a snowflake or two, earlier in the week the leaves were blown off the trees just after turning brillant colors for the first time this fall.
You are going to NC, my home-“Nothin’ could be finer than to be in Carolina in the mornin'”. Welcome, Beth. Wish I could be there to greet you with a fresh cup of coffee.
Oh, Beth! I am thrilled to have just discovered that you blog! To answer your question, I would have to say that I am in the midst of a season in which God seems to have picked me up and set me down facing a different direction. I’m participating in the Perspectives class- a worldwide class on the World Christian Movement- which focuses on missions. Yes, I signed up for the class and attend, but I had no idea how God would use it to transform my life and kindle a love for missions. Monday nights I’m blessed through you at my church’s women’s Bible study (currently Beloved Disciple) and Tuesdays I’m learning how to reach the un-reached people groups of the world. Praise be to God is all I can say!
as a wife, i was self-focused in too many ways. we all have pain that we carry in our hearts from things that have happened along the way. it is easy to secretly expect and hope our husbands will somehow fill up the empty spots, heal the hurt places. when we get our pain “stepped on”, the hurt intensifies – and the attitudes set in. in my marriage, i developed so many attitudes along the way that i now regret. i was critical, withheld praise and admiration, resented his job and the drive that he has to work hard. i resented his hobbies and desire for “down time”. i was a needy taker…and didn’t study my husband and ask God for wisdom on how to give to him. seeing it in black and white print at this point, i know how foolish (in the biblical sense of the word) that i was. however, walking step by step forward into it, i couldn’t see what i was doing and didn’t imagine what it would do to us.
when he admitted to the affair, i tangibly FELT my entire life crumble. it was an earthquake in my soul. the Lord gave me a picture of a marble foundation that was covered in rubble. over time, he revealed to me that much of that destruction was my own attitudes. i know that He warned me and instructed me in different ways through the years about what my heart was doing and how i was hurting my marriage. i didn’t heed those warnings. i held onto seed and didn’t sow it. when He said “ENOUGH!”, He took his almighty wrecking ball and down it all went in one strike. i can only say that i think of this with that reverance that comes when you know without a doubt that He has put you in your place and shown you his. whoa.
we are in the long, painful process of building a healthy relationship. my husband is responsible for his sin. in no way do i take MORE than my share of the responsibility. but, i must take responsibility for my portion of our marital problems…and that is how my self-absorption and resentment truly hurt my husband. over the last several months i have said to him in all sincerity several times “i know that i used to feel/do/say this or that, but that is just GONE now. it’s one of the things that fell.” i don’t think he entirely understands what i’m trying to say – but i know that it is something God accomplished in me in one fell swoop.
and i am so grateful. it opened the door for me to extend grace, turn to the Lord for healing, and seek Him in true humility. i am reminded of your words, Beth, because i dearly wish i had learned this lesson in the classroom rather than on a field trip. but i am glad to have learned it.
I can hardly believe you asked this question! I tell people of my ‘epiphany’ and it’s as if they never had heard of such a concept. Mine happened in August of 2006. August 30th to be exact. I held my son Noah Isaac in my arms. It’s as if I woke up from a coma of bitterness and cold-heartedness.
Six years previous, I found out two weeks after my daughter was born that my youth ministry husband was leading a double life full of sexual deviancy. I just flipped my switch. Just… gone. Angry, cold, bitter, rebellious. I lost friends, ministry,I lost my life really. I purposefully sought to show God He couldn’t mess with my life and keep me as a follower. (I think of your story Beth that you shared in Spokane of Melissa coming down in the morning and saying “Are you gonna boss me today?!”- I just love how we in our childlike state think we are gonna show God who’s boss)
Long and painful story short, 6 years of rebellion, 6 years of many attempts to get ‘feeling’ back into my heart, to even just care or have the ‘want to’ to give two hoots what God thought about my life, here I held my son in my arms and woosh! Warmth and feeling and vibrance and inspiration just flooded my soul. I tried all those years to will myself into obedience, I sought out mentors, church, bible studies, medication, excersize, diet change, a Christian therapist, fun trips, good friends, prayer…all of them wonderful, but I couldn’t experience anything I saw. Like being trapped behind plexiglass. You can see it, you can even feel close to it. But you can’t feel it experientially. I tried to seek healing, and I just couldn’t feel a thing. Somehow, after leaving 6 years of a path of wreckage behind me in the wake of my pain and depression… I held my son in my arms, and my heart just melted. I had never been so overflowing with love. I yearned for my Jesus in a way that I never had before. It wasn’t just yearning for depth the way I did before tragedy struck, in my years of youth and idealism… it was a grounding joy. Grounding peace. Overwhelming love. Have you seen in movies when they show someone who has drowned, or even been pronounced as dead, and then they cut to a shot of the person gasping for air, eyes wide open? That was me. I couldn’t suck in ‘life’ enough. It was like breathing air for the first time! I knew I had the strength to do what I should have done 6 years prior, even though I knew untangling myself from unGodly choices would be mind-blowingly difficult and would cause more pain. But it was an instant thawing of a heart of ice. I still can’t believe that it happened so instantaneously, and that it was not willed by me, no effort made by me, which is so against the theology I was raised with! Nothing I did triggered it, it just happened. I have to give the credit to my Savior. There is no other explanation. Why do I think it happened? Certainly to no merit of my own…this one IS a mystery to me, still. But a beautiful mystery, nonetheless. I think Divine timing. And most certainly, considering the depths I had fallen to, it would make sense that God would use a birth, a life to breathe life into me.
But largely, it is still a mystery, because so much tragedy and destruction occurred at my own hands in those six years, that I can’t understand why He didn’t intervene before that time. As much as I was hateful toward God I was equally crying out to him. And at the time of my having my son, I hadn’t hit ‘rock bottom’ or anything like that,the epiphany was unexpected and yet the moment it happened, my heart was changed. I had my mind and my heart restored to me. I have no other explanation other than Divine timing. And maybe I’m off-base but I trust that the Lord will reveal Himself in time. His time.
Bless your heart, sweet woman. I find it amazing how God has used our children to grow and bless us. May you continue to be blessed thru recognizing his Divine Timing.
Please pray for my son (Matt)’s heart to melt. When I read this I felt like your testimony was what I have been praying for him. He has been through a tragedy not like yours but a tragedy nontheless. Thanks pray continually if you would. A loving mom
How timely that this would be the topic today. I am new to posting here, but not new to reading the blog 🙂 My story is from just last night at our Bible study. We’re going through “A Woman’s Heart: God’s Dwelling Place” and last night God brought it all together for me. He spoke to me directly, through Beth’s words about infertility (week 6), which I have to say, thank you Beth, for addressing that topic that it seems so many other teachers don’t speak to. My husband and I have been trying to have children for 6 yrs., I’ve gone through multiple miscarriages, and now we are pursuing domestic infant adoption. It’s been such a long road and so discouraging at times. So many things that Beth spoke of were like God was talking right to me. I’ve been tempted to give up on prayer, I wonder if God really cares about what I’m going through, I’ve struggled with bitterness and anxiety and wondered how having children comes so easily to so many, but not to us. But, as God so powerfully reminded me last night, He does care about what I am going through, He has not forgotten me, He has chosen me to go through this so that we can see the glorious work that He will do (and has already done in my life) and give Him all the praise and glory, through it all and at the end of it all. The other exciting thing that happened last night was that as I shared with our small group and asked prayer for this adoption process, another lady from the group shared about her co-worker, who has an unplanned pregnancy and is making an adoption plan for her baby. Only God could orchestrate that! I don’t know what will come out of it, but I’m so thankful that God gave me a glimpse of Himself and I’m so excited to see the work that He’ll do through this situation.
I grew up a pastor’s kid. I always had a heart for God. But my father, even as he was a dynamic preacher, he was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive in the home. He was also pretty violent with my mom. Though I never doubted that God was real, He became an angry, unapproachable figure whose presence I could never escape. I was filled with despair and I didn’t realize it was because I didn’t know that there could be any safe place in this world.
I went to the seminary and got a masters in theology. I was a youth pastor for 5 years. I believed in God but I did not know Him. I don’t think I really wanted to. I was too afraid of Him. Then, my mom died. It shook my world. I began to ignore Him. I knew He was there but I was so weary of an angry God…so tired of a God I could not trust. I went on with my life. My husband and I had 4 children. My marriage did its ups and downs and we went through extreme financial difficulties. I could not see God.
For about 4 years in my thirties, I plain ignored Him. I was so depressed and so desperate. I tried to lose myself in the social whirl of secular friends, chasing different hobbies, and told myself that I could be fulfilled living a superficial life. My heart grew harder and I wasn’t even sure if I loved my husband or my kids. Everything was empty. So many relationships fell apart and they needed to. They were all so unhealthy and toxic.
I went to your simulcast back in August 2008. You spoke on the parable of the seeds. I remember that you began by mentioning the different kinds of soil that Jesus taught. Then, you said, “But there’s one more kind of soil we’re going to talk about this weekend. It’s not in this particular parable but I believe God wants us to address this soil this weekend. It’s the untouched soil of your life. What is that painful area of your life that hurts so much that you cannot imagine anyone touching it? It is that very soil that He wants from you this weekend. He wants to touch that soil because that will be where your harvest comes from.” Or something like that. I knew immediately what that untouched soil in my life was. I needed to know that He was good. I needed so badly to believe in a God who is good. I needed to know that there truly is no darkness in God and that I could come to Him and not be smacked for daring to try.
By the end of the simulcast, I told the Lord, “OK…I’ve tried all I know to try. Now I’m going to give you what you asked for. I’m going to trust you with my soul and believe that you are not going to be mad. You’re not going to hurt me. And you will show me what true love means. It has to be better than this emptiness. I have nothing else to turn to but you.” Somehow, He did it. I began to do my daily devotions in the mornings and allowed Him to be a part of my life. Slowly..but with genuine pursuit of the real Jesus. He broke through my hurt, bitterness, distrust and showed me His love. One morning, He said, almost audibly, “I will show you a Father’s love.” And then…He did.
It’s been a little over two years now. And I can tell you this has been the best adventure of my life. I could not have imagined that He could be this good. This kind. This loving. I love Him. With all that is in me to love, I love Him. And still I ask Him to expand my love for Him even more everyday. He has been faithful. I am a walking miracle, Beth. Thanks to your obedience to Him do keep on teaching. But thank God He is who He says He is. He is love.
I remember one so well…. I had went through a divorce and hadnt stepped foot in a church for almost 5 years…I am an ex-pastor…. I have four beautiful girls and my bff (she has 2) and I took our girls to a Purity Seminar. I had went out partying the night before and was still under the influence, but I was determined to go, because I had to keep my word. As I was listening to the beautiful women speak…I felt the presence of GOD! I thought “HE would never touch me in this condition” Then as they began to have the “alter call” part of the service… I felt GOD’s hand going in my chest and HE literally turned my heart towards HIM! As I sat there trying to give him excuses for why I couldnt stand up….they started singing “Just come as you are” … I told GOD at that moment… “Ok….I will but I am a mess” and I stood up! For the first time in years I felt a peace I had not known before! That was in 1999! I will never forget that as long as I live! HEs been faithful to me even when I have not! Thanks for allowing me to share.
I love your bible studies and books… GOD has used them to help me in sooooo many ways! Beth you will never know the FULL extent of your work! GODs amazing and I am grateful to HIM and to you and your staff for not giving up!!!
In April of 2006, I had fallen so far from the Lord. It had been over 30 years since I had cracked a Bible or gone to church. I became very ill with an infection in my leg. I made it to the hospital 2 hours before death, they say. I was in kidney failure and had a raging infection in my blood stream. They did two surgeries back-to-back to remove gangrenous tissue from my leg and I was on a respirator in ICU. Very, very sick. I was in the hospital a month, then a recuperation of about 8 months. I was in the unit clinging to the side of the bed in such pain while they worked on my dressing, and I said simply “Let Go, Jan, and Let God.” I turned back to Jesus’ waiting arms. I have totally changed my life. They said I would lose my leg…I didn’t. They said I wouldn’t walk…I did. God is so good. He healed me and brought me back into his sheep fold where I belonged. Praise God!
Dear Beth, Lately God has been really doing some deep soul healing in my heart. I have been a pastor’s wife for 26 years and have experienced many heartaches when it comes to ministry. I too had a past of sexual abuse and for a very long time I wondered why God would ever have me marry a pastor. We pastored youth for many years and have recently become lead pastors. This is by far the most complex and challenging position we have ever been in. We love our church very much and they are absolutely precious people, but when someone leaves I grieve so much. It’s like I take it all on as if somehow we became their problem. So in order for them to truly be happy they must leave and go to another church. Many times I have been tempted to think badly of that person and even voice my opinion in order to ease the pain of rejection that I was feeling. For the past month I have been meditating on Phil 4:8. God spoke to me this morning in my pray time that when I feel that I need to put the other person down then I am actually blocking the Holy Spirit from doing His perfect work in my heart. He spoke to me that I must feel all the pain, every bit of it and not deflect it by becoming judgemental of myself or others. This was an absolute revelation to me and I felt so completely free. Thank you for being so real in your book “So Long Insecurity”. We are studying it in our Women’s Bible Study at our church and it is so rich.
Forever Grateful,
LaFaye
i’m just getting out of postpartum and have had some serious respect issues with my husband. it got pretty out of hand, and in front of my children. shocked by the prospect of the horrible example i was leaving for my children, my husband and i have worked hard to get through this… not sure, if i really handed it over, because the emotions surfaced the other day. not as badly as before, but voices were once again raised as we ‘discussed’ … gee, don’t even remember what. (sad)
so, i gather my son to take him to my mothers and as we are walking (i’m storming, actually) out the door, my son says, “mommy, i’m sorry you and daddy were making a fuss”
ouch!
“jesus loves you and doesn’t like it when we throw a fit, he wants us to be kind and helpful”
too much thomas the train and sunday school i stubbornly think. “you are right,” i say. i go on to explain a little why daddy and i had “thrown a fit” why i was wrong to do so, and i apologize to him. it turns out to be a very nice chat. then i find myself saying to him, “jesus loves all of us. i love you, i love daddy and gracie (my daughter)…” and then, here comes the kicker to my hard heart, i hear myself say, “i just don’t love…” and i didn’t out loud, but i said, “myself”
my 3 year old’s little voice tenderly told me just why i hadn’t been really hearing my savior. i’d been too worried over myself.
thanks, beth, for all you do. your faith and your words have jolted me out of myself more times than i care to admit… guess you have an accomplice in my little boy (:
I have two sons that my husband and I adopted. We were placed with them both when they were one week old. Even though we gave them love, support and always assured them God had special plans for them…we have experienced extreme rebellion and rejection of us as their true parents. I was told many times that we just ‘bought them’. During one very difficult time, I was reading in the Old Testament how God required that the first born son of every womb be dedicated to the Lord for his service. It was then God opened my eyes to see that I
had been blessed with two first born sons. For both of their birthmothers, they were their first sons. I have dedicated them to God and have believed in faith that God has good plans for them.
Moores,Jones,Fitzpatrick travelers…We are already @ ridgecrest and have been blessed already by Chris last night…she’s quicker than quick at giving us places to go in the Word. Steph and I are rooming in the youth quarters, but we have pitched our tents here in worship and praise! And we’re up early doing it without coffee, Black Mtn here we come! We are claiming one of the promises chris shared last night…Job 23:10…I will emerge as pure gold!
We look forward to hearing the Word God has placed upon your heart, and hugging your neck to be thankful you’re letting him use each of you!
I was an angry, rebellious 18. My preacher daddy was dying of brain cancer.
I grew up watching him from the sidelines, soul-needy for his attention. We both knew our relationship had been strained over the years.
On this particular day, I was compelled to do something I had never done before. I crawled up into His frail lap.
We both cried. Also something we never did together.
He simply said, “I’m sorry.” But I knew. I knew he meant he was sorry for everything. Staying at arms length for the majority of my childhood. And I forgave him–as much as an idiotic self-absorbed 18 year old can forgive.
I have never forgotten that moment. It freed something in me.
I had a bit of a colorful and confusing childhood, but I’ll keep it brief. My parents divorced when I was seven. Both of my parents were involved heavily with alcohol and drugs and my mom moved my brother, sister and I out of state when I was nine to begin a new life. My father also ended moving across the country and I did not see him again until I was 25. I only talked with him maybe 3-4 times in the between time. It took him 20 years to be completely free of his addictions. He was a weak man, and the guilt over not having been involved in our lives kept him from making contact. He just couldn’t handle the guilt it made him feel.
I developed a protective barrier around me and somehow growing up was convinced that it didn’t bother me. I think it is because I am prideful by nature and I was convinced that I didn’t need him. My mom re-married when I was 12 and I have an awesome step-dad.
One night in my late 20’s I was watching the movie, “Hope Floats.” There is a heartbreaking scene in that movie where the little girl starts screaming for her daddy not to leave. That struck a part of me that I had buried, but was definitely evident in my personality. I started crying uncontrollably and it lasted for hours.
During that time the Holy Spirit ministered to me and revealed things I honestly never knew about myself. I was the epidemy of an insecure person. That night however because I realized what I’d been carrying around, I completely forgave my father. I also forgave my mother for a lot of things that I won’t get into.
I was instantly a new person. The cynicism and hardness was instantly gone towards both my parents. I started growing in Christ in a very dramatic way from that day forward.
A few years later my biological father was diagnosed with cancer and I took my kids to meet him. Only the grace of God could have allowed me to love that man, but I did.
I forgot to add why? I don’t know for sure, but I imagine it is because I was at a place in my Spirit where I was ready to receive and deal. Perhaps it was because I was focused on growing my relationship with Christ and that was the next step in my growth. I think God was telling me that He had more in store for my life, but I had to get rid of the pain from the past first. I wish words could express the change it made in me- definitely the biggest spiritual impact my life has ever seen.
Wow, big question but I immediately new my response. For years my Sister and I had a toxic relationship with our Mother. We wanted and needed so much more than we had with her. We prayed that it would be resolved. Through those “decades” my sister and I resented our Mother. We tried to “fix” the relationship in many ways but continued to become frustrated and bitter about what we needed and wanted. About 8 months before my Mother went to be with Jesus, we had to place her in a nursing home because of the onset of dementia. Oh what a hard and painful thing to go through because of the guilt we felt. But God was in control. Mom was put on medication that changed her attitude which changed ours. Those last months brought us closer than we had been in our entire lives with our Mom. You see as she aged we were torn with wondering if the guilt would be with us after she was gone. The day she went to Jesus was long and painful, sad and yet bonding. When it was over my sister and I have not felt any guilt and we know God was in control and knew what all of us needed. I cannot express just how peaceful that healing was for my sister and I. Thank you God!
In 2004 my husband and I learned that one of our best friends and Sunday School teacher was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease, which he had inherited from his mother. In the fall of that same year, God had called me to teach my first Beth Moore Bible study, “Believing God.” Throughout that study God slowly turned up the heat to have me “entertain” the thought of donating a kidney to my friend, despite being the “Queen of the Wimps,” as I liked to call myself, you know, the kind that gets sick when seeing blood or having blood drawn or any kind of visual of blood! As time progressed, I never felt totally called to donate a kidney to him and he found another donor. During this time I was teaching the study, my Mom gave me coupons she had saved out of the Sunday paper and with those she included a Parade magazine, which she had never done before and did not know what I had been contemplating. There was an article on the front of it about a man with two daughters that needed a kidney donor. I have two daughters and was about his age so could really relate to him. About two weeks later, my sister-in-law called me to chat and just happened to tell me about her doctor whose daughter needed a kidney donor. She also had no idea what I had been contemplating. During this time I had a dream like I had never had before and have never had since that I knew was given to me by God. It had to do with “believing God” and going on a “faith ride.” (Remember that from the study?) About two weeks later, I found out my friend’s sister had also been diagnosed with the same kidney disease and she had had 12-15 people test for her and no one was a match because of a large amount of antibodies in her blood. I was in my kitchen, threw up my hands, and this “Queen of the Wimps” told the Lord that I knew He wanted me to donate a kidney to somebody and I would start with Vicki. I knew in that instant that the Lord wanted me to do it and I needed to believe God in this and trust Him. Sure enough, I went through the process of becoming a donor and I was a match. Me! Queen of the Wimps! That was five years ago and it still hits me every once in a while that I actually donated a body part, for goodness sake! I know that sounds funny but really – this Queen of the Wimps could not have done that – it was God all the way.
Wow, and this just happened a few weeks ago!
I am leading a small group through So Long Insecurity. I realized after reading page 10 that my biggest source of insecurity was that I didn’t really believe God loved me. I had this messed up theology that He is love but that it’s just who He is and has nothing to do with me. (My PFP actually had to do with you thinking that if I “knew” as much as you “know” I wouldn’t have any insecurities yet ironically you were still called to write a book on the battle that raged in your life.)
Anyway, immediately after realizing that, another insecurity from my past arose. I figured I was doomed to destruction because the other issue was so painful, I couldn’t even phathom confronting it when I didn’t believe God actually loved me to boot. Then I listened to Eat Pray Love part one and realized I did not have the only issue Romans 8:28 applied to but I was scared out of my mind. Well, that weekend I went to church. We sang a song that said, “I know that you love me.” Our worship leader said afterwards about how many of us could sing that but didn’t really believe it. My ears perked up. Our pastor said that he’d put more time in this sermon than any other but that the Holy Spirit had directed him in the last 36 hours to go a different way but that if nothing us he wanted us to know that God’s love was personal (about each of us individually) and proactive (He seeks us out). Now, I was shaking. The entire sermon was about healing from whatever in our life was painful….past or present. Then they sang Christy Nockels Healing Is In Your Hands and opened up the altar. By this time I was sobbing. God so directly sought me out to deal with my disbelief I had no choice but to believe. It was unbelievable.
God used a little Minature Pinscher rescue dog to do a HUGE work in my heart almost 4 years ago. HUGE. “Niblette” is still with us and softened all our hearts, but mine most of all. God is so good.
I am smack dab in the middle of “Breaking Free” and my chains fell off on Day 1. I saw Beth standing there with gates bursting open and the shackels on the podium and the words washed over me and made me clean. I have had a food addiction for 41 years and lived in a prison which I carried on my back (200 extra pounds) I had some success in life, just to put the weight right back on. When I made the decision to be obedient to Christ in this area, it’s like the gates of heaven have opened over me and He alone has sent me everything I need. One day in prayer, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “not only are you going to be set free, you are going to bring some captives with you.” That is what being More that a conqueror is. So Beth Moore, you are MORE than a conqueror. He has set you free, and the chain of grace continues. I am down 40 lbs EFFORTLESSLY, because the Holy Spirit of heaven is doing it. I am free indeed and I walk in sweet victory everyday. I will not shackel myself again, I don’t even give the enemy any credit. I did this to myself. The key was at my feet all the time. Obedience is better than sacrifice. I will be profoundly effective for Christ, and Beth is right, the heavens have opened up and the fire of God is fallin on me, cleansing me with every class, washing away years of junk and I wear an overcomer’s crown. Words can never express my thanks to my Savior, Beth and the whole team for making these video’s possible. I cannot imagine how many crowns you all will have to cast at our Precious Savior’s feet. In His Grip, Debbie G from Georgia
When I was 16 and a fairly young believer in a family of non-Christians, I unexpectedly had to have life-threatening brain surgery. 12 hours after learning there was any sort of problem, I was in a car with my parents driving to Memphis (about 5 hours away) to meet the surgeon and be prepped for surgery. I was terrified throughout that day. The following morning, while sitting on my gurney in the pre-op area with my parents at my side, God firmly took hold of me. I don’t know how else to explain it. Nobody in my family is a Christian and while I had grown to love God and had chosen to be baptized 3 years earlier, I’d struggled with the idea that I really mattered as an individual when there were so many “big” things God was controlling. In that moment, I knew I was His and suddenly I was joyful and peaceful. I literally started singing “My Favorite Things” and assuring my parents and nurses that I would be fine. As I was wheeled back to the OR for an extremely risky surgery, my only prayer was “Dear God, if I don’t wake up here, please let me wake up with you.”
It’s now 10 years later and since then I have never questioned that I am God’s. This understanding saved me from falling into the temptations that swirled around me throughout high school, college, and graduate school, and for that, I am constantly grateful. My atheist father and brothers have also told me several times since then that seeing my response through surgery has convinced them miracles do happen and that there’s a grace I have access to that they don’t. While they aren’t ready or interested in devoting their lives to Christ, I know God’s hold on me has at least touched their lives and shown them a glimmer of who God is.
There was a time in my life when a person of blood relation caused nothing but heartache and frustration. God has broken down that wall and has given me His love for this person. I cannot express how much freedom there is in loving those you used to hate to be around. Thank you for Talk to me Tuesdays!
Also, there are a few of my friends from KY that are in NC at Ridgecrest this week, a couple of them are siestas, Lori and Marcy. Give them an extra hug for me!!
Much love to you and your family!
My husband was ready for kids; I was not- I had been teaching middle school and knew what they turned into, but God was getting me ready. Then, my husband was named an Olmsted scholar to Ukraine, and I panicked because I’d been there on missions trips and knew there was no way I could have a baby over there. So, much to his delight, I told him I was ready and Fertile Myrtle was great with child by the week’s end. Turns out, I certinly have felt more beautiful than I did when pregnant. {Add in a move from AK to D.C. for intense language tranining and prepping for the overseas move.} It all came to a head one evening and he told me to “go.pray.about.it.” as he cranked up the recordings of our language teacher in our little apartment. GRR. I shut myself up in our walk-in closet, begged the Lord to have it out with me and show me whatever was in my heart, and He did. In short, He said “you never asked Me and you’re playing with lives.” A holy spanking never felt so good! I confessed, repented, and my attitude was totally different (even though I never really fell in love with the state of pregnancy!). We have a beautiful daughter (+ 2 more kiddos), and my walk with God is forever changed….He’s SO tender and good!
February 17, 2007. I was smack in the middle of some of my darkest days. I was a stay at home mom with 4 beautiful children, a husband that loved and cherished me and I was a closet alcoholic, struggling every single day to stop drinking within my own power. I hid my drinking from my family. I would pray and ask God to help me. I would sit with my Bible for hours. And some days I wouldn’t drink. Some days I’d drink alot. On this day my drinking took a turn for the worse and resulted in a bad scene. I was on my knees in front of my bay window in my living room praying and I just felt the Lord’s presence. I knew I had to come clean with my husband. I told him “HE wants me to tell you.” And I did. I told him about the alcohol and how I couldn’t stop on my own. How I had been trying for years and it was a daily struggle that tormented me. I thought he would leave me (I have serious abandonment issues due to my childhood). He held me close, he thanked me for telling him the truth and he told me that we’d get me some help. The next day the Lord walked with me into my first AA meeting. I shook the entire time but at the end of the hour, I had hope and support. Almost four years later and by the grace of Almighty God I have not had a drink since that dark night. I am changed in ways I could not have ever dreamed of – I have peace today, I am confident, I have serenity and I am present for my family. I am a new creation without a doubt. And I know what it’s like to struggle with dark demons and so I can help others when they are struggling. I realized that all those times I was praying to God to help me I wasn’t really letting Him in. I was asking through a closed door. I was still trying to do it in my own power. When I finally opened the door, let Him in and let His light of truth shine into my life was when I was finally set free.
Breaking Free Session 9
page 192 Middle of the page.
March 2009
“One of the biggest and least addressed obstacles to truly loving God: Thinking I already do when, truth be told, I really don’t.”
That statement broke my heart wide open and I cried like I have never cried in my life (except when I was saved) From that time on, God’s love, peace and joy have been filling and filling and filling me up.
I was saved in 1968 and baptized in the Spirit in 1970 and all this time I never knew that I did not really love Him with all my heart with all mind and with all my mind. Oh my, I love His word and my mind is getting re-wallpapered.
Romans 12:19- As stubborn as can be, i denied the fact that i was “angry” people would challenge me on this, and i thought they were nuts, overly critical, and isn’t the “extremes” that i experienced in life “righteous anger”, 2 years ago now, God kept presenting the phrase “leave room for the wrath of God” all week long, and then one of our mentors approached me about a situation that i reacted with alot of energy, having to do with my earthly father- and the scripture came out of my mouth, and i finally got it- if i am going to make a fuss, over any situation, what room does that leave the One who can do something about it?
I have two totally different experiences. Back in ’99 I had experienced a hurt from my church. I became angry and bitter and withdrew emotionally and even dropped out for a little while. One Sunday after I resumed attendance I sat in worship as our youth minister led, and tears fell down my cheeks. I am not a big crier, but I could not stop. It was that point that I confessed my feelings to God and asked him to heal my broken heart.
The other one was a much more gradual experience. I really wrestled with getting involved in a Bible Study at church, but decided to go ahead. God used that study to renew my love for Him and to accept His love for me. That 11 week study has totally changed my life. I can’t get enough of Him. There aren’t enough hours in the day to satisfy me. That study was BELIEVING GOD, and it will always be special to me because of where he took me from and where it brought me to. Today, because God never gave up on me, I teach a Sunday School class, a Bible study and attend a Bible Study. Huge difference in my outlook and love for my God. If we continually see ourselves through God’s eyes, our low self-esteem just has no ground to stand on!
Jan
For many years, my husband and I had a troubled marriage. It intensified with a lot of things that had been said and done that culminated with my moving out and filing for legal separation. I didn’t want a divorce, but I was filled with unforgiveness. During that year alone, I found myself separated from God. I was in so much pain that even when I could bring myself to pray, I didn’t know what to pray for and felt completely separated from His presence. Finally, in February this year, I forced myself to begin praying for forgiveness, for me and for him and for the past. As soon as I began to pray, I felt this enormous weight lifted off me and a lightness and warmth in my soul that I had not felt for a very long time. I even felt like I could breath easier. I searched my heart and realized that I had finally forgiven my husband for all he had done. I was finally free to go to him and begin the healing process for our marriage. God had been working on him during that year too and he laid down his pride and asked for my forgiveness. We worked things out and last weekend, I moved back into our home of 34 years. God healed me and in the process, he healed my marriage.
After two years of wishing I could be a mother and having countless people ask when I’m going to have children, God changed everything by providing what seems to be an answer to much prayer. I’m only five weeks along, but there is so much hope. “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” Psalm 113:9
The first thing that came to mind today was something that happened in September. It’s long, and I don’t know if anyone will click to read, but here it is. It’s called “Holy Fit” and I had one. It was healing and life changing for me in the midst of a particularly hard season of my life right now…my third time being pregnant in a year and my experience of giving this third one to God again when I was scared to. Part of the study on the Fruit of the Spirit was vital in my realization and spurring on my holy fit, Beth, and I am forever grateful for your obedience in writing studies that change lives.
http://thinkeditup.blogspot.com/search?q=holy+fit
I hardly ever comment, but I always read. Your family is a blessing!
Thanks for sharing. I needed that scripture.
The moment that comes to mind was this February. Anxiety is something I have struggled with as long as I can remember. Even as a child. I had been to counseling, memorized scripture, prayed, but so often even small things would leave me tied up in knots and angry at myself for still not getting things under control.
I was watching a webcast of a ministry and the guy was talking about how self-hatred would leave so many people anxious and angry, because at its root, it denies God’s faithful, unconditional love for us. He called people to repent.
It was right there that it hit me that I hadn’t been trusting God, and therefore was anxious, because I just plain had a hard time believing God’s love for me. As I prayed that I would know God’s love a weight lifted, and since then the anxiety has lessened.