Hey, Dear Sisters! Well, surely after all these years I don’t have to tell you that you are my go-to group and all-time favorite resource for surveys or insights into various Scriptural concepts. God started pressing a topic on my heart about a week and a half ago out of the blue during my quiet time and, since then, I have been all over both Testaments searching every spot where it rears up its head. Now I’d love to add some layers of examples and insights from life experience on top of it. The topic is accusation and it ultimately centers on the enemy as our accuser but I feel like God is leading me to gain some understanding of ways it weaves itself into our human relationships.
If you’d like to help wrap some human skin around an anatomy of accusation, so to speak, I would love to hear your responses to any or all of the 3 questions below. Your really honest answers would help me so much. At the same time, please don’t share anything that would be injurious to another person or that you’d mind being read in the newspaper of a small town because that’s roughly the population of readers we have on this blog. This is not the spot to whisper a secret and I write those words with a grin. I want this to be a candid place and a safe place all at the same time if possible. So, here are the questions:
1. In the course of your adult life, have you ever been painfully accused of something by another person (as opposed to being accused by Satan himself)? If your answer is yes, was the accusation a twisting/distorting of the facts or was it completely fabricated out of thin air? I’m looking into how often the most painful accusations are distortions or perversions of the truth (making them more believable and frustratingly less refutable) versus an outright lie with utterly no tie to the truth.
2. In the course of your adult life, have you ever accused someone else of something? If your answer is yes (and for most of us in a candid mood, it will be), did you turn out to be 100% right? (By all means, say so if you did. I’m just trying to look at the concept from several different perspectives.) Whether or not you were wrong, right, or partially right, do you have any regrets about making the accusation? If so, what are they and why?
3. In your opinion (and without the benefit of a dictionary), what is the difference between confrontation and accusation?
I am so grateful for your insight! You are welcome to leave your comment anonymously if you’d feel more comfortable answering candidly but, again, just make sure you don’t use someone’s name derogatorily or make his/her identity obvious in a negative light. You need not copy and paste the question you’ve chosen to answer but please do identify your response by number: 1, 2, or 3. Limit your answers to brief paragraphs because I’d really like to read as many as possible.
You are wonderful! Thank you so much! Pray for me as I continue to listen to God and see how He means for me to serve women in Bible study through this difficult topic. A heap of love to every single one of you!
Well, let’s see…
1. Last year, long story short, I took a stand at a church conference regarding our church acquiring a new building. Most wanted the building, and I didn’t think it was the Lords will, so much wrong wit and the deal itself. Lots of deception by those involved. Church voted, no to the building. So many were mad at me and I was accused of trying to persuade the congregation. Several “important” families left our church, and my best friend didn’t speak to me for months. I was accused by so many for breaking up our church. What hurt the most is that no one ever gave me the chance to explain myself. Accusations always seem to jump to their own conclusions. Praise God, it was just a couple months later, our church came across the building the lord wanted us to have. And my friends began to finally come around. Hindsight is always 20/20.
2. Knowing me I know I have accused others of things, and been confident in doing so. Big downfall, my mouth, that is. Words hurt.
3. The difference… Accusation are like casting blame. Not knowing the facts but just needing someone to blame. Just like in the situation above in 1, they needed someone to blame. Since I took a stand, I was the likely candidate. Confrontation…. Should be done with impartiality and always in love. Oh how I wish someone would have come to me in love. Even though I would do it all the same again, I am just beginning to get over the guilt of feeling like I hurt so many people that I love. Satan has a way of being the chief accuser, ya know? But I know I am the Lords and I can confront Satan with that.
All in all, whatever you do, do it in love. Words hurt, and once you say them, you cannot take them back.
Thought more on your questions. Studying Jonah 4 today. THE LORD is being “accused” in a sense of being too merciful and gracious and so Jonah is so angry! Jonah didn’t like the truth of GOD’s GRACE and mercy when it did not suit him. Was the accusation founded? That messed up my first definition. Thinking on COVENANT and JESUS being completely falsely accused and falsely condemned and how Jesus was confronted with many judgments and plotted against cruelly and viciously from jealous and murderous men! Jesus suffered and died as though he were guilty and accused rightly and he was judged fully for that (false) guilt. Jesus took GOd’s full wrath for sins he did not commit and chose to fully forgive! Jesus is such an incredible model of what false accusations, etc. can do…as He cried out MY GOD MY GOD why have you forsaken me? Yet when taken in it fullest sense the greatest “defeat” of all history brought the greatest victory! How amazing…Amazing Love, O what sacrifice…Amazing Love, How can it be? That Thou My God should die for me!
1. CAVEAT: Blogging at 3am. Please forgive the rambling quality.
While working as an attorney, prior to being promoted to mommy, I had a particularly disturbing conversation with the Partner overseeing our division. I had confronted an issue that in my opinion could not be overlooked, although everyone around me preferred that course of action. The conversation was so disturbing that it remains fresh in my mind today, to the extent that I occasionally have dreams regarding the event. (Pray for me tonight because the enemy likes to open old wounds when I attempt to utilize his messes to share and grow with my beloved friends in Christ). In a nutshell, someone had made an accusation against me to cover up/deflect attention from their poor choices and lack of integrity. Yes, of course the framework contained accurate factual context, but the recitation of the incident was a complete reversal of truth. That bit of truth is utilized to camouflage and attempt to lend credibility to the lie. Sound like any counterfeiter we all know?
The Partner “subtly” let me know that I should look the other way. I was naïve enough to actually be confused by the fact that she was not interested in or grasping the truth. Doesn’t everyone want the truth? I refused to acquiesce and pointed out the lapse in logic that revealed the accusation made against me had to be a lie. Her bottom line: I always find the truth lies somewhere between the two versions. Was she kidding? In fact, the more divergent the versions, the more likely that one version is indeed a lie. Slight discrepancies aside, polarized versions would reflect something more than a simple variance of perspective. I know I tend to be fairly black and white. I have now learned that my gifting of discernment and prophesy are not always welcome traits by this world. But the truth is the truth. It is not a compromise or collage of viewpoints.
The more you discern truth from lies, the more often these occasions will arise. When you are compelled to speak truth, ala emperor’s clothes, even if done graciously, it can aggravate those content to wallow in the gray area between the black and white. This incident was not the first or last time I was compelled to speak truth and evoked some less than Christ-like responses. So I would lay awake some nights puzzling with my Lord as to what I should do with all this? What is the gold, the treasure that I have plundered from the enemy?
If I am accused, my Lord knows about it. If He needs to defend my reputation the truth will be revealed. But, if I am in a position where I have to speak poorly of someone else or reveal their unsavory actions to others in order to defend myself, I now stand and let Him deliver me if it is necessary for His purposes. Do I always feel all warm and fuzzy inside when doing this? I wish. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops and present all the evidence exonerating myself. Be redeemed. But after all, isn’t that the entire point-I am already redeemed.
2. So wish I could take some of those back! When you are blessed with a pretty good memory you must exercise caution! Often accurate does not mean right all the time, or even 50/50. Even worse, you may be right about absolutes such as what color the speeding car was, but utterly wrong regarding the intangibles such as motivation. Insensitive, prideful driver or mommy rushing to bedside of child in hospital? DANGER! For me, this is an area of weakness and an opportunity for growth-yea! Don’t you just love gifts from above?
Accusations re: motivations, intentions, feelings are simply prone to error. And for me, seem to always sprout from my own hurt rather than any data or facts regarding someone else. YIKES! Sister, hold thy tongue! As Mark Twain advised, “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt fool.”
3.Generally:
Confronting – addressing an issue or situation, whether done without hesitation or reluctantly (only because the Spirit has called you to do so), with the goal to discuss, enlighten, resolve or improve. Consider the antonym to confront: ignore? cover up? deny?
Accusation- a one-sided attack to call attention to another’s failings, as my Grandma Peep would say (“praise publicly, correct privately”). Now consider these possible antonyms: exonerate? laud? defend?
However, there may be times where an accusation may be utilized to provoke a hardened heart. I do not believe that it is always a clear distinction between the two. (Maybe not perfectly black and white) I have fantasized about a lie detector that could function like a metal detector. There’s a situation with disparity: an accused criminal, a CEO claiming ignorance of his companies nefarious deeds, my sweet daughter standing next to the curiously empty candy wrapper…you have them walk thru the little device and voila-buzzer, no buzzer, lie, no lie. I know I will ultimately stand before the throne and have this daydream proved out. I will see the pure truth, not merely my perspective. The truth will reveal far more than the emperor’s clothes, the shamefully numerous times I was simply WRONG.
Confront or accuse. Which reflects how our beloved Lord and Savior responds to us? In order to glorify Him we are called to strive to be like Christ. Confronting may be necessary at times if we love our brothers and sisters. None of us benefit from ignoring, covering up or denying. I know we can all agree Our Lord and Redeemer has gone to extremes to exonerate, laud and defend us as his beloved children. The Accuser can’t help but try every trick possible to forget this, ignore this, deny this. How easily I forget to look at myself and assess who I am imitating…
Oh does Satan like to distort! I think it is one of his strongest weapons. He took what should have been a beautiful friendship in my life and continues to twist and distort my “friend’s” thoughts about me. She always believes the worst and makes false assumptions about my mindset. Without asking! Worse still, is knowing that if I back away and say no to the relationship, that will come with a new set of accusations and distortions about why I’ve backed away. If I choose to love anyway, and reach out, that also comes with a brand new set of hurtful, oh so false assumptions of why I am trying to come back into relationship. Ie: me being needy/narcissism/hero complex etc. As someone who is an eternal optimist, and legitimately believes the best of people, to have someone distort truth about who I am and my motivations, is incredibly painful.
1. Yes. It was a distortion of the truth. I learned that no matter what actual words are said, each person can come away with a different opinion on what those words were. Very painful lesson. I’ve also watched as a former close friend attacked my adult kids w/o the grace that she had been extended over & over. Again….very painful.
2. I have accused people at times, but never face to face – always in my heart & mind, which in God’s eyes is the same thing. I’ve done this without all the facts & in an effort to have things make sense to me or find comfort in blaming someone. It’s difficult to just let a situation be what it is without trying to give it a reason or cause.
3. I’ve been confronted in love as well as accused. The key phrase is “in love”. Even if the confronter doesn’t have all the facts, it’s better received in love. When I pray for my confronter, it’s out of thankfulness. When I pray for my accuser, it’s to have the grace to love & forgive like I’ve been loved & forgiven. “In love” makes all the difference.
1) Yes, ive been victim of both types. The ones that come out of thin air are maddening and i tend to not refute because they are so ridiculous. The ones that distort truth i try and correct so in hopes that Truth prevails. Ive learned that often times the source of the accusations is not wanting to hear Truth, the more i try the worse and more twisted the accusation gets.
2) Yes, I have made accusations, some are 100%, others i have failed at. Whether im right or wrong, it never feels good to accuse and yes i have regrets. Having perspective on something takes much responsibility. It must always be weighed carefully and if verbalized,needs to be seasoned with Love. That i have much room to grow in.
3) Confrontation: an attempt to seek the Truth
Accusation: an assumption of Truth
3. I read this post a few days ago and it’s been sitting in the back of my mind. This morning I read the article about Antoinette Tuff in Decatur, GA who “confronted” a would be mass murderer at her school. In my mind, what Antoinette did was, confront, in love. I wonder, had she accused him of being what he almost was (a murderer) if things had turned out differently. I believe confronting can bring a solution or resolution to a situation. Accusation is just final, a statement without solution. Perhaps accurate, but not necessarily beneficial or useful. Sort of like the difference in conviction and guilt.
Dear Beth,
I am sorry I am late to respond to this post. Hope it will still be helpful.
1. YES… I have been accused of something I did not do. It was a complete distortion and twisting of facts and making wild conclusions based on circumstantial evidence. I felt so powerless as there was no way I could prove I didn’t do what I was accused of doing. And sadly, yes this happened in the context of our community. heart-breaking.
2. I have accused people of things but not directly to their face, most often gossiping behind their backs. Sometimes my accusations/blaming were correct and sometimes I was very wrong.
3. I think confrontation has a less negative connotation than accusation. For me, when I confront someone I am willing to dialogue, hear their side and there is an openness to having my mind changed. Accusation is more of a closed door – you are guilty and I don’t want to hear any excuses why you aren’t.
2. When I was in my mid-twenties, I had some dear friends from another country visiting me. On the night before they left, the wife went to go the bathroom, and the husband came up behind me, turned me around, and kissed me. I was shocked and dumbfounded and immediately dismissed it as a cultural difference. In my spirit, I knew it was different and the Lord confirmed it a couple of years later when He encouraged me to bring it to the light. Though most communication had stopped with this couple out of just uncomfortableness on my part, I stopped all communication once it was brought out in the light. A couple of months ago, the man befriended me on Facebook. I spent time seeking counsel and praying and sent him a message as to why communication with Him had stopped. He responded pretty quick and made it pretty clear that it had all been a misinterpretation. I found myself struggling with shame. What if I had misunderstood and accused a man of something that was not true? I struggled with it. I then spent time praying with a sister and talking to Jesus. God brought peace to my soul and reminded me that He had spoken into the situation previously. I could stand on what He had shown me before. I responded to the man extending forgiveness, but also closed the door to future interactions. All of my correspondence with him was with someone else included. Was I 100% right? I don’t know except that I do know that God spoke to my soul about the situation. Was that hard in the moment? Yes! I am a people pleasing machine and everything in me wanted to believe what he had said. They were such dear friends to me and my flesh struggled to believe. In His faithfulness, God led me and grew my faith muscle.
3. Accusation to me implies “Grayness”. Accusing maybe without all the facts. A lot of assumption can be put into the act either out of maliciousness or fear or confusion. or pain or a long list of other possibilities. Confrontation, to me, is more based on fact, healing, and maybe…. a better control of emotions (not that there aren’t any… but confronting seems like it requires a control to some level of emotions)
Yes, to both 1 and 2. 2 remained unspoken but carried in my heart and the regret of it ties into 3. Confrontation carries with it the value of offered insight into another persons heart, emotions and feelings, while accusation carries with it the sole purpose of condemnation.
1. Yes. Most of mine have been out of the blue with no basis of truth by my alcoholic husband. I believe these to be lies Satan feeds him in order to continue causing havoc with his mind.
2. Yes. And I was right, sadly. I don’t regret accusing the person, as it was needed in that case.
3. Confrontation implies that you have facts and are going to discuss those facts with the person. Accusations tend to be more suspicion and may be skewed by circumstantial evidence, feelings, or fears.
1) Yes and it was a complete perversion of facts. This happened many years ago but it was related to theft of money from a deposit at a previous place of employment. I worked in a mostly Christian environment which meant a lot of my coworkers were friends and we were able to share our lives with each other. I had shared with them of some very tough financial times my family was going through. When the money came up missing, it was assumed that I was the culprit. I was terminated and investigated by the police. It was later determined, beyond any doubt, that another manager had taken the money and the owners of the business apologized and offered to give me my job back. At that time, I already had another job so, needless to say, I did not go back there. I did, however (eventually!!!) forgive them as I had to do that in order to move forward.
2) Yes, I have accused someone of wrong doing and I was correct but it did nothing to alleviate the situation. The person is still in a position of power in a local church and the wrong doing continues to go on. I just pray that the Lord does not write “Ichabod” over the door of this church as a result of this person.
3) Accusation – when a person, or persons, points a finger at someone else and says “Hey, you’re wrong in this situation.” The person pointing the finger may or may not point that finger at the actual party they feel are in the wrong.
Confrontation – when the person in the above example that is doing the finger pointing goes up to the person at whom they are pointing a finger and “calls them out” about the situation; face to face, no behind the back.
3. Confrontation: going in with an open mind, fact finding
Assusation: going in with your mind made up already or closed to the facts real or fiction.
I know I am a little late to the party but hopefully you can still use my information.
1. Yes, I have been accused and yes the facts were distorted. I was leading a large ladies group and one of my dear friends gave me a 5 page hand written letter full of anger, false accusations and frankly lies about my motives, my spiritual life and my leadership. It was one of the most painful things I have ever read and the most hurtful letter I have ever received.
I do believe she felt like the accusations in the letter were true, I also believe it was a spiritual battle against us. I examined the letter, let my husband read it and called my pastor to read it because they are the ones who know my heart, my dreams and motivation better than anyone and I value their opinions. They also knew the person who wrote the letter and where she was in her spiritual life to help bring in some balance into the tail spin I was falling into.
For a long time, I believed the hurtful words she said about me and I began to question my motivation. I struggle with confidence anyway and the ladies group was one place I knew, felt and believed I was safe. The letter proved I wasn’t and although it was unfounded accusations, it took a long time for me to heal.
With much prayer and guidance from my pastor, I responded to the letter in love (and shredded the letter) to her but I was devastated. I never shared it with anyone else. After some time, we have been able to work through the situation and she is still in my life and I love her very much. Since we are being honest, I will tell you I am very guarded when I am around her. As I am tearing up talking about this, I think I need to spend some time with Jesus about this again for some comfort and give it to Him.
2. Yes, I have accused someone and unfortunately I did turn out to be right. I have also accused someone I love of something and have been wrong. I regret accusing them because it brought out the truth in both situations and sometimes the truth is painful. Both were accusations I could never take back and although forgiveness is given freely in our family, it is still out there.
3. Confrontation to me is hard, so I see it as aggressive and accusation is more of a question or inquiry.
Thank you for including us in your research. I love how God uses you to make my life better and closer to Him. Much love to you.
1. Yes I was accused of making negative comments about one of my children’s coaches. The accusation was assigned to me though the comment was made by another parent who was a close friend of mine at the time. I explained the situation to the coach (but i didn’t throw my friend under the bus) The friend never stepped forward to claim the comment and I was never sure if the coach actually believed me.
2. Yes, I accused a church staff member of placing youth in a dangerous situation while under her supervision. Her actions were truthfully inappropriate. But, I should have recognized her actions as inexperience and been a little less of a reactionary in handling the situation.
3. Confrontation holds someone accountable. It can be done lovingly with resolution as the intended goal. Accusation often is a reaction to a situation. It is more emotional and frequently the facts and truth are casualties of that emotion.
1. Yes, and it was a twisting/distorting of the facts; but another time it was the other way, out of thin air with no twisting or distorting of the facts.
2. Yes, the facts looked like a certain person close to me had done something that would be very hurtful to our relationship. When I tried to confront, my emotions were still strong, so I ended up assuming they had done something that they claimed that they did not do, and seemed hurt that I would think that they had done that (ie. not trust them enough, and didn’t give them the benefit of the doubt first (1 Cor. 13 AMP) I regret that I didn’t wait until my emotions had gotten under the Lord’s control before confronting in love (His love through me to that person)
3.Confrontation seems like more of a coming to a person in love sort of thing, based on accountability, especially among believers when one sees another going astray from God’s Word and what pleases Him. One should examine themselves first, then after prayer, go to that person one to one first, then with a group if they don’t repent, etc…accusation has more of a vindictive tone to it, like you want to hurt that person and/or you have been hurt by that person, and would like to see them acknowledge what they have done or suffer for it; unfounded accusations are probably more out of jealousy I think. Human relationships are so complex though…
Also, I’m praying for you for this weekend’s LPL!:) Have a greatly blessed weekend, Siesta Mama Beth:)
1. I can remember this as if it were yesterday . Yes I was accused in front of a whole room full of witnesses and Yes it was completely fabricated.
2. Yes I have accused someone or two…. I think what I said was the truth. (actually by my definitions of the words in question 3 I’d say I confronted. )
3. To confront someone means to me that I have information that I take directly to another person. I present it and then that person has a “voice” to respond.
Accuse is different. It’s one sided. The accused has no voice. It’s a done deal. “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
1) Yes. A husband at a Christian company (I say this because they were proud of the fact that they led bible studies every morning only to hurt their witness later in major ways) fired the oldest employee of the company. The wife asked me my thoughts at lunch. I told her. I was accused later that afternoon for bad-mouthing management. (The wife was seen crying and asked by HR (her good friend) why.) I was disciplined even though it happened at lunch and I was responding to a question. By God’s grace we have remained friends.
2) It’s easier to remember being accused than accusing, isn’t it? When I was 22 I went home with a college friend for Easter. On our way back to college I casually mentioned her dad drank more than I thought. I have no memory of this conversation. However, when the dad joined AA 18 months later, my friend reminded me of what I’d said and that had started her to watching and thinking. (I am happy to say the dad is still alcohol free 30 years later.)
3) Accusing in my mind means I have stronger feelings than I do facts. Confrontation using means I know it’s going to be difficult but I need to talk to someone about something and work it out on both our parts.
1. A girl I graduated from high school with did not receive an invitation to our 10th year reunion. When she called the school to ask why, someone told her that I was in charge and must have overlooked her. Why would someone say that??? For 10 YEARS she stewed over it and was angry with me. When it came time for our 20th reunion, she asked me about it on Facebook, and a story surfaced about how I had “deliberately” not invited her because I was a stuck up snob blah blah blah. (Please note that I had ZERO things to do with that reunion!) I apologized profusely, even though I had not been involved, and told her how sorry I was that she didn’t get invited, but to no avail.
God has used this in my life to make me realize that things are not always what they seem. I check myself every time hear something, and make sure of the source before I spend one second on it.
This is weirdly similar to an incident concerning my 10 year high school reunion, way back when. My best friend growing up did not receive an invitation because the reunion committee did not have her current address. A few years later, we ran into each another while I was visiting my hometown. When I expressed regret at not seeing her at the reunion, she launched into a tirade about being deliberately excluded by those “Country Club snobs” who “always thought they were better than me.” Talk about a tempest in a teapot!
1) Yes. We were friends in the community with the pastor of a local church (not our church). He got himself involved in some unsavory situations in the community (based on uncontrolled anger). His church elder board began an investigation into the situation. The elders assigned to investigate met with so many people – I could tell they were trying to understand the extent of what had gone on. He was desperately trying to diffuse the situation. They (elders) called me and asked if I would meet with them, which I did (blessedly my wise husband insisted I have a friend as a witness). Apparently when this pastor learned that his elders had asked to speak with me, he was extremely upset (he’d lost a prior pastoral job due to instability issues and later, when all the dust settled, the lead elder told me he was afraid he would lose his job if they heard the truth from me). In his great fear, he went to a former pastor of ours and asked that man to show up with him at a meeting with his elders to bring my character into question (it was so painful I can’t even type the two adjectives he used at that meeting to describe me). Again, the whole sordid situation took months to finally unravel. I was eventually told what my former pastor had said about me – and was crushed for a year; but finally went and confronted (Yes! #3) him – made an appointment and very kindly and calmly told him what I learned and asked if in fact he had said those things. He hemmed and hawed and looked at the floor and sat up real straight and got real quiet. But he admitted it and then, very softly said, “You were not those things. ” Again, by the time the dust settled, the other pastor had slandered my name wide and far in our community. Very maliciously, including calling up locally elected officials and leaving mean-spirited messages about me and cruel emails. It was so crazy, Beth. One of the questions I had throughout was: who will stop this? Where does the buck stop? Yes, his elders were trying to get a handle on what was happening, but it just got so unbelievable. Finally, over three years after the worst of his slander seemed to subside (and by this point I had been informed by numerous people, incl. my husband, a counselor, others – not to be in the same location with him unless there were witnesses) he showed up at my door unannounced. He asked to come in. (There were a couple other people in the house). He sat on the coutch, looked at me and said, “I’m here to ask for your forgiveness.” I told him I’d worked hard to have forgiveness in my heart towards him but said it would have been less painful if he’d have beaten me to within an inch of my literal life than to do what he’d done. He nodded his head. And that was that. He left. So, while both men acknowledged the truth to me behind closed doors – that the vicious accusations, slander and character defamation had been contrived on their part, it is still a great grief to know their slander hangs over parts of our relatively small community. This is one of the conclusions I’m left with – to whatever extent a person has falsely accused and/or slandered another, to that extent repairs should be done (if we want to live Biblically). While I appreciate that both men finally told the truth and apologized to me privately, their words had crushing weight and neither attempted to correct the record with the many others they’d spoken with.
1. My grandmother lived with me for a couple of years before her death. Another family member handled her finances. He accused me of stealing from her . Apparently, she continually askied him for cash although she had few expenses, and he assumed I must be taking it. I was young, and it hurt me very much as I loved my grandmother and would never hurt her. She eventually had a major stroke and had to move from my home for more intensive care. While going through and packing up her belongings, I found thousands of dollars. I believe she simply would tuck away her money and forget she had it. I never received an apology, but forgave my him anyway. I felt he should have known me better and never suspected such a thing, and I guess he was just looking out for her welfare.
3. A confrontation can be a healthy thing based on right motives; however, an accusation has a negative connotation – probably because Satan is the accuser of the brethren. A confrontation does not necessarily have to be public, whereas an accusation often demands witnesses. A confrontation seems more based on truth.
1. Wow, yes, I was horribly accused by the very dear friend who brought me to Christ. It was distorted truth. I consulted with my 2 pastors and elders, also two women who are strong in the faith and were my mentors. Everyone agreed that I was not guilty of the accusations. It sent me into a tailspin and rock bottom was, “Maybe she is right, maybe God does not love me and I am going to hell.” It took years but I did recover(actually Beth your words on TV years ago saved my life). However, my childlike faith in God’s love for me have not been restored.
2. I am sure I am guilty of accusing, though I have a strong sense of compassion and usually try to understand what might be motivating someone’s behavior. Also over the years, going through my own stumbling, I’ve learned not to condemn others as I will invariably be confronted with the same issues in my own life soon after! lol
3. Confrontation involves concern for the person and a desire to help. Accusation comes from a heart of fear or insecurity, with self as the motivator.
1. Over the last 5 or so years I’ve had a couple of distinct seasons of walking through accusation. The first contained accusations that were distortions of the truth. The second has been stuff that’s made up. They have both been painful, in different ways. When dealing with the first kind, it was difficult for me to separate fact from fiction. When dealing with the second, I find myself hurt that someone who claims to follow Christ would feel the need to lie about and to me.
2. Yep, I’ve definitely accused people of things. Sometimes I’ve been right. Sometimes I’ve been wrong. Either way, I have regretted it. Nothing gets solved by pointing fingers and shouting.
3. It’s all in the attitude. Accusing someone is the equivalent of yelling at them with your fingers in your ears. You don’t want to hear anything but the sound of your own voice. You want to be right at any cost. Confronting someone is done with a spirit of truth and love. You desire to understand and to mend the relationship as much as possible.
1. Yes I have been accused and it was a distortion of the facts. The most painful part for me in the whole thing is that it was from a loved one and I felt like nothing I could say would convince her otherwise because in her mind she had already convinced herself of what she thought was the truth. There’s nothing more frustrating in the world than when you are being accused of something or accused of a motive that isn’t in your heart and you feel completely helpless to change the person’s mind.
When my husband was going through an extremely difficult period in his life he began accusing me of having affairs and/or wanting to cheat. This was completely out of the blue with absolutely no foundation. This has never been an issue in our relationship, so it wasn’t like drudging up the past or anything like that. I knew in my head that this was Satan’s doing and logically I understood that because of his trial, he was questioning everything, including his “man-hood” and that because he felt “less than”, he assumed I felt the same way and would be looking elsewhere. But in my heart it hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. Due to his situation, I was already taking on all the household duties and parenting our children by myself. He was completely unavailable physically and emotionally. I was being pushed to my limit trying to be everything to everybody, and his accusation stung big time!
The worst part was, if I got angry with him for bringing it up, he would say I was defending myself and trying to hide something. But if I just ignored his claim, he’d say “See? You won’t even deny it.” It was truly the worst and saddest time in our marriage. And it was the first time in my life that I saw how cunning Satan actually is. It was very scary.
To me, a confrontation is done by someone seeking truth and reconciliation. They desire to confront an issue and bring a resolution. Whereas, an accusation comes from a place of hurt and doesn’t necessarily care if issue is resolved. The accuser just wants to get it out there and is seeking justice/revenge rather than peace.
I’ve been thinking about this ever since I read the post a few days back.
1. Yes, just a few months ago I was accused of something I did not do and then the person- a close family member- immediately severed the relationship with me. Won’t talk to me, respond to anything. It was as if she wanted to break off the relationship regardless of whether I had done the accused wrong or not. Not only has she severed her relationship with me but she has also taken three other family members with her and none are allowed to talk to me. I’m heartbroken.
It’s been the worst few months of my life and I’m having a hard time moving on (though I know that is what I need to do).
2. Yes I have. And I’ve been so wrong. The worst thing about when I accuse- it’s like a poison in my mind. It starts with the suspicion, then the accusation- whether I say it or not I’m thinking bad thoughts about the individual. Left to my own, I can make a mountain out of a molehill!
Then I usually discover I wasn’t even right- what a waste of emotional energy! If only I had lovingly inquired or used more wisdom right from the get-go! Ugh!
3. Confrontation- the person actually is interested in truth and restoring the wrong, relationship, misunderstanding
Accusation- the intent is to hurt, destroy and bring the person down
I think the difference is in the motivation.
1. My experience with painful accusations in the last few years has been of the “distortions and perversions of the truth” type. There was enough truth there to make it sound as though the accusation was the truth and that maybe what they were accusing me of was the truth about me and for a while I internalized it. When I truly began to listen to God as He revealed the truth to me about myself and that the problem was not mine then a different kind of pain developed; one of this person is suppose to love me. Why would they want to hurt someone they loved. Then I began to see they really believed these fabricated lies place there by Satan and there was nothing I could do to change their minds.
2. Yes I have accused people of things that were none of my business to start with and probably since God is the only one who knows the whole story it was probably partially if not all false.Yes, I have regrets. I don’t like to think I have accused someone falsely;it does not feel comfortable to admit I have, but I know I have accused some wonderful people falsely.
3. Confrontation leaves the door open for both sides to voice their opinion and explain themselves and to hopefully resolve the issue or at least come to a compromise they both are comfortable with. Accusations can close the door on discussion. Accusations make the other person think there is no reason to even try to work things out.Accusations tend to state what is definitely going on leaving the other person no room to defend themselves or even want to discuss it.Accusations are harmful to a relationship whereas confrontations can bring about growth in a relationship.
Funny I read this post today, as I’m going through a struggle with human accusation now!
1. I have been accused of not considering what a decision I made in the last few days would do to other people. This was incredibly painful, as the main reason I labored over such decision was because I, in fact, WAS considering what it would do to other people. The people accusing me are distorting the facts, and no matter what I say to the contrary, they continue to believe their distorted facts. It’s a tough thing to be going through, but I am relying on God through prayer to comfort me and strengthen me. HE has confirmed to me that the decision I made was the right one, despite the fact that it put others in a tough place. I hate that it did that, but I have to follow the will of God for my life.
1) Yes, in both leadership and counseling positions, I have found that most accusations are a twisting of a situation or of the truth. Once in a while, an accusation is spot on. On a more personal level, a family situation, I was accused of hurting someone with my response to a situation — in which I was given only a piece of the info. with the lie that it was all the info. Yes, I would have responded differently with the correct info.
2) Yes, and yes my husband and I were right. We had a false teacher in our church. We do not have any regrets other than those we could not help escape. It is a tragic situation all the way around.
3) An accusation requires some investigation to find truth. The accusation may be false. A confrontation should take place when the truth is known.
1. When my first child was a baby our Sunday School class had a party. They provided childcare at the church. I, along with about 10 other moms, left my 9 month old at the church nursery with a trusted woman I felt very comfortable with. A few months later I was having a conversation with a woman about the party and she said, “I cannot believe how self-focused and irresponsible all of the people in that Sunday School class are. I would never leave my baby to go and have fun.” When deep inside me there arose such a clatter, I sprung out of my head to hit her with matter! Hee-hee. Anyway, I was so incredulous and infuriated that it actually kind of frightened me. It was my first encounter with “mother bear” that I didn’t know I had in me. I was talking about how disturbed I was with my visceral response with a trusted Christian friend and she said, “Would it have made you that mad if she would have accused you of being a drug dealer?” I said, “Of course not.” She said, “Why not?” And I said, “Because I’m not a drug dealer.” To which she replied, “Exactly. Maybe it made you so mad because deep inside you believe you ARE a bad mother.” Hmmmmmm. It made me think and I think she was right. It tapped into an insecurity I had.
2. Yes, I have accused people left and right behind their backs. I have jumped to conclusions, not given the benefit of the doubt and out-and-out made stuff up about people. Rarely have I had the guts to accuse someone to their face. The few times I have it was really hard, but it turned out good. It gave the person a chance to admit their wrongdoing or they just left me alone. Rarely was I right about my accusations.
3. To me, the difference between confrontation and accusation lies in the motive. The heart behind confrontation is reconciliation and the heart behind accusation is the need to be right.
1. Yes. This accusation started with my accuser taking something I innocently did and jumping to MANY wrong conclusions about my motives and what it all meant. It ended with an extremely hurtful accusation that had no basis in truth whatsoever. Put me on the defensive even though I had no reason to be. It seemed so “out of reality” that it made me fear the person, lose trust in him, and question his sanity.
2.Yes. I did regret it. I regretted it because it was not completely true and it the way I accused was hurtful and damaging to that person.
3. I believe confrontation is done in humility, gentleness, and with much prayer in advance. It’s goal is restoration, among other things. Accusation involves blame, pride, shame, and hurt. It leaves the receiver on the defensive and damages the relationship.
1. I accepted Jesus into my life in high school back in 1973. From that time until about 2006, I lived with absolute certainty that I belonged to Him. Then, in 2006, I went forward for prayer at our enormous church and a pastor that I barely knew believed he had a prophecy about me. He told me that he saw Jesus in my head but not my heart! I walked away with a grain of uncertainty. Did I have saving faith? I have spent more time than I wish pondering this. I have asked the Lord to show me if I lack saving faith. He has not shown me anything. And there continues to be fruit and answers to prayer from Him. But, I think the grain of truth in the prophecy was that I tend to be left brained about life.
2. I have accused people ( especially my husband) of things that I may have believed were true. However, most of the time I did not have all the facts. And, my accusations have not been said lovingly.
3. I think there may be times that we are called on by the Lord to confront someone. A good sign for me that it is from the Lord is that I really won’t want to do it. I think an accusation carries with it an element of satisfaction for the accusor.
Forgiving and Being Forgiven
when I opened a page with Beth’s question about ACCUSATIONS a situation hit my memory and I remember all the details today…
…I was a trainer in airline company and my boss wasn’t happy about me being on that position, who humiliated me multiple times, was disrespectful to my achievements and so she gave a target to some of my colleagues literally to watch me secretly if I will fail somewhere … I did not! Everything was done with a passion and quality because I had a great foundation to do my job: I was doing this for Jesus Himself and we had a great time by working together! But one of my trainees (student) failed and that was lucky day for my boss, she gathered “emergency meeting” because I was the first one of 3 persons who would have to sign permission for work for that failed student… My boss did not invite other two, who did sign permission, but she invited some other trainers who had nothing to do with that particular situation and me before. My boss began her accusing with twisted words, twisted a facts… that was gross and sometimes even funny.
But even now I remember me sitting alone by the wall and facing these other 5 people who had nothing against me before…my boss was speaking and she was so “good at her role of accuser”, it was loud, it was “good quality drama”! But I still remember so good that peace filling my heart. I was seeing all these people almost from above, I remember that feeling of love in my soul and I was thinking about Jesus! Can you imagine? I had nothing to say, I DIDN’T want even to say anything; I thought Jesus might be feeling the same when He was accused by Sanhedrin before crowd and Pilate.
Later after that I was deposed by my boss, but God gave me more joy at work and great opportunity to serve to simple people and to witness to many of my colleagues, which I didn’t have before, because of a lot of office duties in previous position were taking my time and energy! ))))
It was hard work to forgive that woman, who finally arranged this “HIGH COURT- drama”, but when one day I decided to be sincere with GOD and I opened to HIM that I hate her and I want Jesus to help me to forgive, I want to be set free from these feelings, God gave me grace, He set me free and gave me compassion to my ex-boss!
CONCLUSION: Dear ones, We will be accused from time to time, we will suffer unfairly from time to time, but this life is not about HAVING justice and being fair! This is all about grace sewing parts of broken hearts together… hearts of these accusers who are abounded by fear, last, lie, own hurt! Grace is sewing parts of our life together to bring us to final picture of GOD’s love proved on a CROSS!
PS Year later after “drama” this woman was fired for committing fraud a multiple times. That was fast and loud. She didn’t know somebody was secretly watching her too.
1. Yes, my partner and I were accused of taking money from an organization. Because the record keeping was unclear, I guess it was a distortion of the facts. After a third party examined the situation, both my partner and I were completely cleared of any wrong-doing.
2. I have accused my husband of something before, but I was not 100% correct.
3. To me, the word confrontation carries with it the possibility of reconciliation and “working it out for the better” idea. “Accusation” immediately conjures feelings of defense and being threatened…and does not carry a hope of “working it out.”
3 – I think confrontation to me would mean that both parties know that whatever fault to be talked about is true – that there is evidence. Whereas accusation would be when it is not clearly known, and the fault in question might not be true.
1. YES, even just recently, and every time it has happened to me it has been a twisting of reality.
2. YES, and I’m usually wrong.
3. Confrontation is motivated by love that makes you humble and in search of truth. Confrontation involves asking questions and listening. Accusation is self-centered and not truth-seeking.
1-I was accused of not taking care of my elderly parents. The problem with accusations is they are highly subject to someone else’s knowledge or interpretations and conclusions.
2-I have never publically accused as I tend to err on the side of grace as I know I will need it in the future. (not that I do not have other issues mind you)
3-Accusations I think of as one sided statements without the formal ability to defend yourself. Confrontation I do not think of as negative, but neutral, and helpful to understand the actions and intensions of another.
1. Distortion of truth hurts the most when the lens through which the other is viewing and perceiving you is fixed and immovable. Because of the anchor of that partial truth it takes such a hold that the effect of the insidious nature of the lie within it clings like super glue and leaves its impression in every thought and action. So much so that it often leaves no capacity for the wider view to help discern the truth and leaves very little wiggle room for forgiveness or reconciliation.
Perhaps this is why the enemy uses this tactic as his weapon of choice in the realm of deceit — truth laced with a little lie seems to take such a firmer grip than an obvious fallacy.
2.I once accused a supervisor of not having my best interest at heart. Turned out I was 100% wrong. I was seeing him as a task master because I was viewing life through the lens of fatigue, lack of sleep and stress. I was unable to see the truth..which was plainly there before me..the reality was I was getting a lot of mentoring and getting paid to learn…in hindsight what a deal I was getting.
3. Confrontation means you are willing to come with hand wide open and take in as you dish out. Accusation is one way closed hand and no room for reconciliation.
2. Yes, I made horrible accusations of family members that, at this moment, I could not imagine to be true. The facts (in my memory) were distorted. At that time, I had been in therapy for about ten years and my childhood memories became reality to me, yet were distorted in my young mind. I truly believed them as past reality. I totally regret cutting off my family, the accusations I made of people I truly love and who love me, and as I look back, I realize that there was horrible dark pain and abuse (that is reality) but the accusations were not based in reality. I had a strong relationship with God, and I praise Jesus that He understood my dysfunction, my pain, and my desire to totally heal. He knew my heart. The way it was handled was totally wrong.
3. Confrontation is going to a person with respect and integrity, based in the love of Christ for that person, taking responsibility for my own issues and feelings in the situation, how I felt statements, not YOU, YOU, YOU statements. Accusation is blaming, not taking responsibility for your own feelings in the situation, coming from a heart of blame, not the love of Christ.
1. Yes! The accusation was from a girlfriend from church and I remember the words clearly even though it was ten years ago: “You are a liar! You call yourself a Christian, but from the way you are acting, it is clear that you aren’t one!” It totally devastated me to the point where I sought help from a Christian counselor to work through it. The counselor helped me to see that when someone is furious with you, they tend to go for the “underbelly” in their accusations. Since being an honest person and my relationship with God are two of the most important things to me, those were the things that she instinctively went after to hurt me. What hurt the most was knowing that it had some truth to it, since I am not always perfect at telling the truth or in my walk with the Lord even though those things are important to me. It hit my “perfectionism nerve”. My breakthrough came when I realized that even if everything she accused me of was true, I am still covered by the Blood of the Lamb. It eventually drew me closer to the Lord in deeper humility and gratitude for his redemption of imperfect little me who is loved just the way I am.
2. Yes, I have accused others – usually those closest to me because they were not meeting some need that I felt I deserved. I mainly accused a boyfriend of “not loving me” based on his actions. I do regret the accusations because they weren’t based on truth, they were based on an attempt to manipulate him into giving me more attention. Interestingly, after experiencing the accusations from #1, I realized that I was making judgments about his motives and character just like I had experienced from the girlfriend at church. I also realized how painful it is to be misjudged. I deeply regret those accusations because they hurt him deeply and destroyed a lot of his trust in me as someone who truly cared about him. Thankfully, he forgave me.
3. I believe a confrontation is for the good of the other person and is done in love. Accusations are done for selfish reasons – either to manipulate or punish. I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to experience the pain of being unjustly accused. It opened my eyes to the damage I was causing in my own relationships with the same behavior.
I was in a business venture with very dear, like-family friends whom we spent countless years alongside in ministry, family, heartache and celebration. In the end, I no longer desired to be a part of the business and desperately needed out. We painfully agreed on the terms of dissolving the company and put the wheels in motion. When it was “over” my dearest friends accused me of lying, stealing and embezzling money from the company. There were debts that were real, and these were used to conjure the accusations. Truths were twisted, motive and intent was assigned by the other side and a end to our relationship was demanded. I was devastated. There was enough reality to the numbers that the accusations sounded true. I became convinced that I was who they said I was and slipped into a pit of depression, self-loathing and self-conscious behavior. It has taken years to pull myself out, but the enemy can bring the truths of the situation to my mind and I can be walloped upside the head with the lies and accusations and have to hit my knees and beg for the truth to drown out the toxic voices. Devastating! I have learned to be more mindful of my assuming or judging others’ motives and intents. I’ve learned that I may think I know, but I do not EVER have all the facts and CANNOT EVER ascertain what is completely true and completely right, nor is it my job to do so. My heart is tendered to others in that situation.
1). In my very first job after college, there was a woman in our group of 6 people who was afraid that I would get a bigger raise than her, and she went to our boss and told her that I was spreading rumors about her not doing her job. My boss confronted me in front of our whole team. I was young, naiive, and devastated… because nothing could have been further from the truth. My other co-workers, thankfully, spoke up for me on my behalf. The damage had already been done, however. The woman got a big raise. Then, shortly thereafter, it came out that she indeed had not been doing her job, and she ended up getting fired.
2). I had to confront my husband about him having an affair. I was 100% right. He had been foolish enough to e-mail her from our combined home e-mail. At first he denied it, but when I mentioned details from the e-mails, he had to admit to it. Although it was a bad situation, the Lord eventually redeemed it.
3). The difference between confrontation and accusation to me is confrontation you either have proof of a wrong-doing, or at least something reasonable to “prove” the situation before you come to someone about the problem. Whereas, when you accuse someone of something, you may have reason to suspect the situation, but don’t have proof…. maybe a “gut feeling”… but, no hard evidence.
1. I was accused of being a liar. It was in a non-Christian environment and happened because the person (non-Christian) wanted me to suffer in my relationship with my boss. It was not based on any truth but totally fabricated. It hurt very much in several ways. First I was a Christian and wanted my coworkers to see Jesus in me, not someone who lies. Second my job, or at least my opportunity to advance, could have been jeopardized. Third, it just felt rotten as a person to have someone lie about you. I’m pretty sensitive so it hurt a lot. I prayed about it and in time the truth came out and the person was fired. It was discovered he himself was living a lie and misrepresented himself in his education status for the job. God redeemed me. I didn’t have to do anything but pray.
3. Confrontation is personally talking to a person about something that is potentially detrimental to your relationship depending on their reaction, but necessary due to the action the person is taking. Accusation is to say someone is doing something that might, or might not be true. It could come out of your own hurtful past. Or it could come out of the truth but there is no proof yet to show it as truth.
1. Yes, distortion that turned into complete lies. Lost friends and a damaged reputation in a volunteer organization. It taught me I’m stronger than I believed and not to believe everything you hear, even from well intended people.
2. Yes. I was completely wrong. After asking for forgiveness many times and not receiving it, I’m finding it very difficult getting past it. It’s taught me how valuable forgiveness is and to never withhold it.
3. Confrontation involves interaction with that person. I think accusations can be correct or false and can be confrontational or thru gossip.
I really look forward to a study on this.
I’m answering #1
This past winter I was confronted by a person very close to me (and a fellow believer) with a list of grievances they felt I had committed intentionally against them, going back nearly seven years. Many of the accusations were almost hysterical in nature because of their lack of any truth whatsoever and the fact that they were petty things that you simply can’t make up. I literally shook my head over some of them and thought, “What? Really? You think this about me?” Definitely out of thin air. But the thing was, it was a list… so there were a few things where misunderstandings had occurred through out life, as happens, and the sweet thing really believed I was out to get her and had all of these “facts” that had been totally distorted by the enemy and made to look like such truth that even her husband was starting to agree and back her up. I think that over time, she began building this case against me, holding on to one thing after another until she had sever years of “evidence,” some very false and some very distorted- but all lies that she was believing as truth. It’s like they went hand-in-hand and I am still totally baffled by it. How does the enemy do THAT?
(We are in the blessed place of rebuilding again and I praise a God who heals and brings truth for that. Many prayers went into the beginning stages of restoration and it’s slow work but we both have the same goal. Peace before the Lord in a relationship that brings HIM glory.)
Hi Sweetie,
I haven’t blogged for so long. Miss you all so much.
First response:
I’ve been accused of being in (how shall I say this tactfully),being in ungodly relationships with my husband and others at the same time. I’ve been accused of lying,
cheating (as in swindling) manipulating situations, etc. One of my personal favorites was loving the Old Testament, but not the new. (Especially Isaiah) Isaiah is my favorite book in the Bible, but it’s because it’s all about the One and Only. Therefore, not living in the New Covenant. Therefore, I should have discipline excercised on me. ( I was doing Believing God at the time! 🙂 )One of the reasons that the first accusations were so painful, was because at the time, my husband was having an affair with a 19 year old meth addict. His affair became very public, and he was accused of many other things that weren’t true. So yes, it was distorted truth and then just added to with flat-out lies.
Second, have I ever done that in my adult life. Yes. When I was younger and a lot more stupid and ignorant, I accused someone of having an affair with someone.( Later I was accused differently about affairs of my own. God is Just) What I didn’t know, was that they were having an affair, but not with the person that I had thought they were. I regret ever opening my mouth because I didn’t do it right, not to mention, it wasn’t done lovingly, but out of hurt and an effort to “get back” at someone, sorry to admit.
Third: The difference between accusation and confrontation in my opinion is the heart. Hear me out on this: Accusation can be an opinion, a half-truth(therefore, a whole lie)and is usually twisted in some way. Not only twisted truth, but sometimes a twisted heart to intentionally wound someone because you yourself are wounded. Confrontation is usually based on fact, is something done because your heart is hurt for the loved one, and is done out of love for them, not out of wanting to hurt and wound.
This sounds like the beginning of a great book or a great Bible study. I love you and pray for you all the time regardless of whether I blog or not.
Just catching up on my blog reading but had to share.
1. So odd I read this now cause I just got a mesage from someone who accused me falsely many, many years ago and apologized. Being the womens ministry leader at the time, it was my responsibilty to ok, if you will, teachers for the women bible studies. I expressed concern regarding one who wanted to teach and the Leader of the Bible Studies agreed with me.(as did the pastor) The gal viciously accuse me of many things, most were outright lies, some were twisted half truths. I couldn’t really respond nor give my reasons for not allowing her to teach,(for actions/sins that none of us, or our families would want to be public.) I had to sit still and be quiet and let the Lord work it out.
2. I am sad to say, that I have accused others, perhaps not as much publicly but privately for sure! I would say that age has mellowed me out some and I hope I move more in compassion now than just black/white prophet mentality of my early days; and yet hopefully without compromising God’s standard. (My accusations to my other-half can still contain more emotional perception than whole truth!)
3. Accusation for me, contextually, would be assigning blame. Confrontation would be an interaction that had its goal of resolving or reconciling.
I’m not sure how to answer but I am fascinated with the subject. My husband is having an emotional affair with his senior pastor (he is the associate) but refuses to see it that way even when our marriage counselor confronted him. When I bring up issues or incidents, he calls me “Accuser” and “Satan”. I was reeling with that and have kept silent even though it continues. Am I the accuser because I am confronting him with these incidents that he tries to hide? ( texts and late night emails) How do you accuse someone of something that you know to be true? He has made me feel like the one that is making the wrong choices. Maybe I should tell him I’m not accusing but confronting him with facts? Is it all in the language? I”m praying God will work with you, Beth, and share it with the rest of us.
1.Oh yes! Certainly have been accused wrongly. I think the ones that have hurt most deeply and been most difficult to refute are those that attack MOTIVE. Someone may have certain facts right, but are totally wrong about the motive or the spirit in which something was done, twisting a situation around so that it seemed opposite what it really was.
2. I have also been an accuser and I have felt regret over those things. In one situation that comes to mind, I was right (and I’m sure I was off base on others). The regret I felt came from conviction I felt from the Holy Spirit, reminding me that I was not without sin in that area. The situation with this person was not a major issue where there was danger to someone or a serious doctrinal error, etc., and there was no reason for me to expose this person to my own or anyone else’s judgement. I was probably a bit smug or self-righteous, although I didn’t see it at the time. It hurt the other person and created a rift that never was healed. When God brings something to light, His intentions are pure and His love is unfailing. Even on my best day, I can’t claim mine are.
3. Confrontation, to me, has a connotation of bringing something to light so that it can be made right. Accusation seems a little more like an attack. It almost implies that the accuser is superior and the accused is inferior. The accuser stands as a judge of sorts. It isn’t done for the benefit of another person.
Dear Beth –
God definitely works in mysterious and marvelous ways! I got up at 1:30 to pray for a co-worker who is a new and very fragile Christian about some false accusations she had experienced just yesterday, made by her supervisor, and who is clearly trying to get her into trouble simply because he does not like her. I got done with my intercession and wandered over to your blog and here was this very topic. I have been so blessed by reading some of the comments but many of the situations brought to mind similar occurrences in my own life. so here goes:
1. Yes, I have been falsely accused. At 50, I’ve lived with human beings *g* my whole life, and we WILL do stupid stuff like accuse without foundation, or with a grain of truth to season the lies. Once was a coworker who accused me of taking kickbacks from a contractor we worked with (He financed my car, but my bosses knew and approved all the paperwork), because she was afraid I would take her job. My boss had to address the accusations, since money issues were involved and the financing happened before his time (there was more, but that was the “grain of truth one in this instance). I was exonerated, but the whole mess was unpleasant and made a terrible work environment for all concerned – people took sides because the woman talked about it publicly. Eventually, she was fired because she began doing the same thing to others, and my exoneration led the managers to start looking at HER more closely, but it was a time of much prayer and clinging to Jesus just to get through the day. Another time, my Sunday School teacher accused me of trying to take over the SS class and contradicting him in front of people (again, the grain of truth was that I did sometimes disagree with his interpretations of Scripture, but the class was an open discussion formant and I was NOT the only one, plus I really did love the man! Later that summer, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor that affected his behavior (wow, was that a graphic way for God to show me that I was falsely accused – the tumor was literally doing it!) We walked through the cancer and the ultimate healing he experienced and are still friends with him, although God called use toserve in another church. My husband, though, has struggled with forgiving him, as it was an attack on my (aren’t heroic husbands THE BEST!) so we see them less socially than in years past. Either way, accusations that are founded in a grain of truth are the hardest ones to deal with, because as others have stated, the enemy is expert at using just enough truth to give credence to his lies. Much prayer, wisdom and discernment are essential in dealing with them, and I have learned both discretion and grace from these events.
2. Yes, I have accused people, and in the saddest case, was 100% correct. My first husband had an affair with my best friend. I accused as well as confronted, but it shattered me to be right. I have also accused without getting all the facts and been wrong. Thankfully, God has used both instances to teach me some valuable lessons. My grandmother used to say “believe half of what you see and none of what you hear” and that is EXCELLENT advice to follow when dealing with accusations, both your own and those against you.
3. Confrontation – being courageous enough to stand up for right, truth, and Christ, but MUST be done after much prayer, much scripture searching preparation, WITH witnesses, and always in love, with restoration the goal.
Accusation – well, the Hebrew word for our enemy translates “accuser” doesn’t it? Nuff said.
Please pray for my friend and for the Christian women who are loving her through this time of accusation – we want to show her godly ways to deal with this, but at the same time, some of us want to go on the attack to protect her – wisdom, grace, and truth are needed.