Hey, Dear Sisters! Well, surely after all these years I don’t have to tell you that you are my go-to group and all-time favorite resource for surveys or insights into various Scriptural concepts. God started pressing a topic on my heart about a week and a half ago out of the blue during my quiet time and, since then, I have been all over both Testaments searching every spot where it rears up its head. Now I’d love to add some layers of examples and insights from life experience on top of it. The topic is accusation and it ultimately centers on the enemy as our accuser but I feel like God is leading me to gain some understanding of ways it weaves itself into our human relationships.
If you’d like to help wrap some human skin around an anatomy of accusation, so to speak, I would love to hear your responses to any or all of the 3 questions below. Your really honest answers would help me so much. At the same time, please don’t share anything that would be injurious to another person or that you’d mind being read in the newspaper of a small town because that’s roughly the population of readers we have on this blog. This is not the spot to whisper a secret and I write those words with a grin. I want this to be a candid place and a safe place all at the same time if possible. So, here are the questions:
1. In the course of your adult life, have you ever been painfully accused of something by another person (as opposed to being accused by Satan himself)? If your answer is yes, was the accusation a twisting/distorting of the facts or was it completely fabricated out of thin air? I’m looking into how often the most painful accusations are distortions or perversions of the truth (making them more believable and frustratingly less refutable) versus an outright lie with utterly no tie to the truth.
2. In the course of your adult life, have you ever accused someone else of something? If your answer is yes (and for most of us in a candid mood, it will be), did you turn out to be 100% right? (By all means, say so if you did. I’m just trying to look at the concept from several different perspectives.) Whether or not you were wrong, right, or partially right, do you have any regrets about making the accusation? If so, what are they and why?
3. In your opinion (and without the benefit of a dictionary), what is the difference between confrontation and accusation?
I am so grateful for your insight! You are welcome to leave your comment anonymously if you’d feel more comfortable answering candidly but, again, just make sure you don’t use someone’s name derogatorily or make his/her identity obvious in a negative light. You need not copy and paste the question you’ve chosen to answer but please do identify your response by number: 1, 2, or 3. Limit your answers to brief paragraphs because I’d really like to read as many as possible.
You are wonderful! Thank you so much! Pray for me as I continue to listen to God and see how He means for me to serve women in Bible study through this difficult topic. A heap of love to every single one of you!
Lord help me, I’m answering this before reading any comments and pray I’m not totally on another planet in answering your questions. Forgive me otherwise…
1. Yes. It was a twisting/distorting of truth. I would NEVER, NEVER say what she said she heard me say, NEVER…in a million years. Even IF I thought it, which I didn’t and to this day, I don’t. This twisting/distorting caused a very dear relationship to be severed for several months, very painful. I still cry when I think about it and it was 3 years ago.
2. Yes. While I believe I am partially correct, I still didn’t handle a situation with love, in His great love, and as a result, our relationship has permanently changed.
I now have a holiday relationship with someone I spoke to a few times a week…sad.
(No correlation between 1 and 2)
3. Confrontation means holding someone accountable with facts. Accusation means accusing someone based on suspicion.
Hope this makes sense….succinct and no mind portrait painted! YES!!!
Sadly, yes, I have accused quite a few people of quite a few things. (Some come with confrontation (my poor husband) and some do not. I am not a confrontational person by nature (unless it’s my husband, again poor guy).) In most situations I was 100% wrong in others I was partially right and even fewer times I was 100% right. It’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I assume I know everything from a few facts/evidence. I find one thing or maybe even a few things that seem to point towards the accusation and go for it because “I just have this feeling”. I get my mind set on it and I think it just has to be the truth when in reality; it’s a complete lie/falsehood. A lot of my “facts/evidence” have other completely logical answers that, for some reason, I just can’t/don’t want to see. Lately this has become rather frustrating for me as I have been accusing myself of things that are NOT true (stinkin’ devil and his lies). As of right now God is working to sift this icky stronghold out of me. (I didn’t realize it until I started typing this up. Thank you Lord for bringing it to my attention.) I pray that God will stop this tendency in its tracks once and for all and I will be as free as an eagle from it! Do I have any regrets about making accusations? You better believe I do!!! What are my regrets? Oh I could go on and on. However, my biggest regret is letting the devil get a foothold, then a huge stronghold in my life in this area. Thankfully God hasn’t allowed any of my accusations to do any permanent damage to my relationships but the accusations I make to myself are starting to get to me now (sifting, sifting.)
I see confrontation as a positive term, meaning that a problem is being brought into the light and discussed by the parties involved; no accusations need ever be made. In my earlier comment I spoke of an accusation being resolved when the person and I discovered the truth together. That happened only because I finally asked her if we could talk…that I felt something had happened between us, but I didn’t understand what.
An accusation should come about, if ever, after everyone involved has had a chance to confront the problem and draw conclusions.
1. I was recently accused of something that most people would find very minimal and it was blown out of proportion and fabricated by a leader in the church. I am the church Administrator and sit on the board. I was acting on the behalf of the Senior Pastor and I was the one that was faulted. Even after a meeting with all involved and the situation being explained to the individual in his mind I was still in the wrong. It was very hurtful because we had all worked together for many years and had a good relationship. After this very minor occurrence this person jumped to the immediate conclusion that I was against him, that I wasn’t trustworthy, and that basically anything I had ever told him he now questioned. And he stated all this to me and the Senior Pastor in writing. Now we have to work together and the truth has been explained but it will never be the same and he never apologized. I had never had such an attack on my integrity and character. It hurts my heart that someone would even think my intentions were not in the best interest of the church…I had to give it to God. But I have to say all in all even with how the situation turned out I would do it again because I have to stand up for what I know is right. The kicker was that some of it involved dealing with a situation that was trying to bring shame (unmerited) on our Pastor who is also my boss and friend.
2. I think mostly in close relationships…I usually try to keep my mouth shut and not jump to conclusions but sometimes I do and probably mostly with my husband. It is something I have been working on,
3. Accusation is pointing fingers and you already have your mind made up…nothing anyone says will change it. It is not usually at all constructive. Confrontation is trying to be constructive and hear from all sides to settle the issue at hand.
1-3 I have to say yes to it all. As far as confrontation and accusation- well recently I was accused of contributing to a friends divorce because I wouldn’t tell her husband what she herself should have been saying. Confrontation is calling someone out when they have wronged you. Confrontation, I feel can be done two ways, 1) in anger and 2) in love. Timing is everything and prayer is the most powerful thing of all
It is an interesting concept to discuss as the older I get, the more I realize that accusing someone digs into the core of a persons heart…and your own heart. Though His Grace and Mercy covers a multitude of sins, the long term effects of accusation can be difficult to over come as you try to stop the replay button in your own mind. I have experienced both sides of accusation and I would say either side leaves a scar that requires individuals to bring before Jesus, asking for healing. Confrontation is projected in such a negative light today. However, when and if humanly possible, we bring before people we love our concerns for them or a particular situation, there is an opportunity for growth. Hopefully that growth is toward the Lord and toward each other…not just worldly wisdom. Yes, I have been a victim of accusation and I have also hurt others with my painful words out of ignorance or emotions. Praise God for His Mercy:)
1. Actually my son was accused of a horrible horrible thing against a girl he was dating by her father. It ended up the father wildy jumped to the conclusion and then when he found out he was wrong forbid his daughter from ever seeing my son again! The girl’s mother was my best friend and she was forbidden from seeing me as well. The father/ husband says that he did something so heinous that we would never forgive him therefore the rest of the famly can’t be friends with us either. He went so far as to tell the daughter he wouldn’t pay for her college if she contnued to see my son or our family. We tried to tell him multiple times and multiple ways that we have forgiven him (which was extremely hard- and still a work in progress) but they have totally broken communication with us and with all of our mutual friends. I am so frustrated by this because I feel so little control. I hate not having control. Ugh, a lesson in giving it all to God. It is so frustrating that we did nothing wrong then extended a hand of friendship and forgiveness and nothing! He has now begun to spin lies about us to their friends over why we are no longer friends and continues to be venomous to his daughter about us (she is still friends with our daughter- which he has not been forbidden but definitely discouraged). Anyway long story short it all comes down to letting go. Giving the accusation to God. He knows my faults, He knows where I was wrong and where I wasn’t. I just need to seek his approval not anyone elses.
1. Distortion of a truth just happened a few weeks ago. When a past relationship and depth of what went terribly wrong in that situation was grossly spoken of and was distorted into a manipulation of the truth so it would fit into the place the person was in and could control. I gather it was done so this loved one could get hands around and mind around the fallout. But at a cost of damaging current loving relationships. This came at me totally out of ‘thin air’- and caused quite a storm in my life and heart, that only I would trust God to tend to. It is still ungoing lashing out on the other’s party in passive aggressive behaviors and distance, disconnect etc is just heartbreaking to watch.- Accusations are very self serving- in my opinion-
2. My vocations and life service to others (medical, legal, etc) have had to be fact based, so I ‘run’ from what I believe to be true and accusing- b/c it appears to end quite badly for medical and legal situations, thus personal I imagine would have the same ramifications. I have had intuitions- or insights through prayer/scripture or a dream and then journal them, or share a part of this with someone (sharing my dream) and then later that day it happens- or confirmed. I feel bad (sad, disappointed) when the sense is confirmed and it puts the person or situation in an unfavorable and sad condition- with yellow caution tape all over them . 9 out of 10 times I end up praying more fervently for all concerned. Accusations are damaging- and many, many times irreparable especially if the people are unforgiving (either party, one receiving or one giving). HOWEVER- there have been many times I have been smoke screened/lied to right to my face and I don’t see it, if I had I had accused I MAY?? of saved myself some pain- but either way- it still was going to be painful and damaging. I usually feel stupid that I did not see it and others saw it a mile away and accused rightly.
3. Confronting is based on knowledge/truth/fact. Accusations seem to be ‘hypotheticals or assumptions’ more from the emotions than from mind- Confrontations are well thought out- and even though they may be hurtful- they can be healing. Accusations are shot from the hip and take many bodies with the shot- often the person on the receiving end of one says ‘I cannot believe you even think I was….” Even if partially right or totally- it hurts. A Confrontation based on fact can be loving, kind in the process- it still may catch the person off guard, but you are not saying ‘I think or I …’ you can say ‘ when you did ….’ Or ‘when I saw… or when I heard you say… Seems accusations can be hearsay and confrontations- I heard..
1. During my third year of teaching (I was single and very involved in everything in the school) a rumor went around that the principal (married) and I were having an affair. He was married to a friend and we were friends, no more. There was NO truth to it at all. We stopped working together, and practically speaking. He transferred to another school and we tried to live it down, but there was no more friendship between his family and me. FIFTEEN years later, I was playing Just As I AM on the organ at a revival. This lady practically pulled me off the bench screaming and crying. She took me to a back room and told me she had started that false rumor all those years ago because she was jealous of me and she needed to clear her conscience and get my forgiveness.
2. I became very close to a friend’s daughter and she would spend weeks at a time in our home with us. At age 12, the daughter told me of an insecurity she had at home. She started with, do not tell what I am going to tell you. My husband and I felt compelled that I must share with my friend what her daughter was feeling. My friend immediately told her daughter. To this day, 35 years later, the daughter has never forgiven me for telling her secret. I begged her forgiveness, but lost her trust and friendship. It was like losing a child. Today she is a minister, married to a minister, but we have no relationship. She is very close to her mother, which is good.
3. Confrontation is a discussion between the persons actually involved in the conflict in order to get to the bottom of the issue, whereas accusation is just that, accusing someone of something without knowing the truth or knowing the truth, but wanting to cause pain.
1. Yes, I was accused, rather viciously by a woman, in a group setting of something she said happened a number of years ago in the context of a small mom’s prayer group…ie. I had judged her because she had revealed she was divorced. What was so terribly painful was that this very public accusation not only was really in no way true – but she had harbored it for YEARS. No doubt her confusion or “misperception” had grown in HUGE ways over the years to be something in no way truthful – but what she really believed. How I so desperately wished she had come to be at the event…ie. keeping short accounts…and how that could have prevented so much misunderstanding (that was never unraveled or made right)and would have helped her from being so hurt.
2. Weird response in that I never did accuse someone – but actually KNEW something was not right in the life of a friend but held back in graciously confronting the matter. I could never put my finger on it – and tried to err on the side of grace and patience. I so desperately wish I had been more forthright and just tried to confront her in some gentle manner. In the end, my instincts that things were seriously “wrong” turned out to be correct and in reality it was far worse than I ever suspected. How horrified I was to find out later that this women was living a complete double life and in the end it ultimately destroyed her
1. In the course of your adult life, have you ever been painfully accused of something by another person (as opposed to being accused by Satan himself)? If your answer is yes, was the accusation a twisting/distorting of the facts or was it completely fabricated out of thin air?
Yes, and it was completely fabricated out of thin air. The feeling I had at the time, when accused, was shock and complete heart break. I cried a lot and was speechless. I chose to be still and let it pass, and I talked to my husband about it, and prayed, a lot. It did pass and the accuser did realize that she was 100% wrong, and I got no apology. I had to forgive, so I could move on. I was very grateful that I had said nothing and let God take it and heal us both.
1. Yes. Distortion of truth and very, VERY hard to hear because it was (continues to be) a battle to believe what God says about me in Scriptures vs. this distortion about me. Enemy wants me to begin defining myself by the distortion. Slimy.
2. My own focus was totally off of Christ – moment of weakness when scared and wondering about the faithfulness of this person – I listened too closely to the worldly evidence and warped case being fabricated in my mind. Praise Jesus, trust with this person has been restored in both directions. Totally a God thing.
3. Confrontation can be loaded with grace. It can be loving and precious. Accusation screams a kind of judgement – – Wrong judgement without mercy. (!) I just finished James and that just came rushing forward. Hmmmm. Probably need to chew on all that a bit more. I associate “accuse” with the enemy; I can associate Judgement (I think rightly) with the Lord all the while being crazy grateful for the blood of Jesus.
3. In my opinion, confrontation is made TO the person of issue, while an accusation is made ABOUT the person of issue.
___A____ had a confrontation with _____B____ after hearing ____B_____was making accusations to others about _____A_____.
1. The most painful, penetrating and utterly devastating accusations I received were from someone who should have been caring, understanding, protective and edifying to me (my mother). A thread of these destructive accusations cropped up from time to time throughout my life, when I would attempt to assert my separate sense of self. The most heinous time was the last conversation we had, when I was 49. She was a very emotionally unhealthy woman and had only grown more so as she aged, though she was a believer in Jesus, even very instrumental in leading me to the Lord, she would refuse to seek help for her mental illness, and instead would project her warped perceptions and bitterness onto others, especially to me as her only daughter.
The worst part about them was that they took the form of assigning to my heart horrible motives that were not there. She had in the past accused me of wrong actions, that were completely untrue, which, hurtful as they were, I would refute by stating the truth. But when she assigned terrible motives to my actions, that was the most lethal and despairing of all, as there was no way to “prove” the true intentions of my heart. The frustrations were impossible to surmount.
I believe that a person who has the deepest, untreated wounds has the greatest tendency to project them onto others, when there is no factual basis at all for them. Their own internal pain is so unbearable that the only means of relief is to dispel it outwardly, onto the most vulnerable target they know. An adult brother, witnessing one such episode said to me, “She would never speak to one of us like that.” I was stunned by that, as I was not even aware that there was something wrong about speaking to a person like that, I had been so accustomed to abusive language.
Wow, Karen. The first sentence of your third paragraph is so true. Thank you for sharing.
1. yes twisted and distorted and a lie
2. yes. yes. I do not regret it because it was open sin and distoyed many lives.
3.confrontation-asking the person to make sure the truth has been told
accusation- telling others something about another person that may or may not be true. Or accusing a person of something you don’t know for sure is true.
A friend of mine began a healthy lifestyle six months ago as to handle some of the pain of her marriage; She had revealed to me her husband was abusive. She confided in me for over 2 years about the incidents and how she pleaded with him to get help and he refused. She warned him she would leave the situation if nothing changed. A few months ago she left him. Some members of our Church accused her of having an affair after she lost weight. This tore several of us away from the Church and has caused so much pain and this sweet sister in Christ suffered all the more.
#3 :
Confrontation – We may or may not have the facts, but we have reason to desire the truth. We speak to the person with question marks.
Accusation – We may or may not have the facts, but our hearts are disturbed and out feathers are ruffled. We speak to the person with authoritative exclamation points.
Great example, Carol!
1) Yes, it WAS a grave distortion and def a twisting of the facts.
2) Yes, and I was 100% right but I have horrible regrets because I should have known better that it would hurt others and that is not God’s will. It hurt my entire family. I should have used the “Thumper Rule”, you know the rabbit from Bambi. He said If you can’t say nothin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.
3)Confrontation – to accuse in the presence of the person and others surrounding them for evil effectiveness because of a known wrong.???
Accusation – to say something that has not been proven, but only to hurt another before taking it to God first.
PRAYER FOR EXPOSURE HELPS BF WE OPEN OUR MOUTHS TO ACCUSE. God has always answered these exposure prayers for me I think, because I look inward first before I open my big mouth. And even if God shows me something He’s right behind it telling me what NOT to do because He is the judge, not me! AMEN!
Love ya Beth.
1. yes, accused of “making up” a lie to try to get between two family members. Truth came out (very painfully) and in the worst possible situation/timing. But the person did not admit to it, which has caused many to believe something that wasn’t true. The timing was perfect for satan and it caused a ripple effect. So, truth was denied, which led the person to distort other truth and then created false accusations.
2. I don’t like the word accuse. I don’t believe anyone should “accuse”. Although I have “accused” satan of causing much havoc and pain in the situation above and using every opportunity he could to cause a church to fall. I believe we should confront.
3. The difference between accuse and confront is “accuse” is presenting something to someone as truth, without seeking to know anything more about it-that may or may not be true. “Confront” is presenting someone with information that may or may not be true and SEEKING to know the truth before coming to a conclusion.
1.Yes, it was an accusation of completely distorted facts. Interestingly enough, it happened last week and has been ever-present on my mind since. Just this morning I was thinking that the situation was 1000x more complicated, hurtful, and embarrassing because of the elements of truth. I’m not really sure how to handle it with truth, and humility, and grace all at the same time.
2. Yes; I guess I will never know if I was 100% right, but I have usually sifted through countless hours of thought before an accusation and am usually at least partially or mostly right. I think the accusations that I regret are more about the way I went about it and the mean or ungracious spirit, rather than the actual point of contention. Truthfully, I have rarely gone on attack with another person, except for my poor husband, who had let me down so much. For the first time in my life, I went on a warpath after someone.
3. One is intended for resolution, the other is intended to wound.
1-Having a friend accuse me of telling her to “just get over her depression”. Being someone who battled depression with medication & counseling & prayer; it was devistating to hear her view; especially as she did know my own life story. She took 4 months to tell me, even seeing me almost daily. She said in a vague conversation I said that, and could not quote me, nor give me more information about it. I could not even remember what I said 4 days prior, little 4 months prior. I was completely shocked, I was so hurt, but God gave me the best response (not exactly); ‘I am sure I did not say anything like that, as you know my own struggle, but if you heard something like that, and it took so long for you to come to me, I am sorry for the hurt and pain you carried these 4 months. I am sorry you thought your friend would hurt you so painfully, and so mean spirited, and if I could say or do something to make it up to you let me know’. There was nothing asked. That was 3 years ago, the friendship is not the same, and it has changed us both.
2-Accusations to my husband. Mostly stupid/ridiculous things when first married. Coming from a bad 1st marriage, I brought Container-Loads of pain/fear to my 2nd. God has been working – Overtime with me-and things are better, but it affected our beings deeply, I think we are both different people. It hurt our friendship. our intimacy, our safe-place. My accusations of him has shamed me, hurt me, changed me. He was not perfect, has done wrong things, bad things; but I over shadowed it all, by foolishness. Can you believe he still loves me … O the Goodness of GOD, bringing me a hearty soul who took alot and still stayed!
3-Confrontation, speaking with truth and facts to someone particular. Accusation, speaking one’s perception with or without truth, facts; getting something off the chest to anyone who will listen.
#1. Yes, I was accused of being selfish, cheap, was called a “taker” vs. a “giver” and was a accused of re-gifting a gift card. These accusations were not meant for me to see. My sister wrote such things to our other sister and sent it to me, the wrong sister by accident. Oooops!
The re-gifting portion was a flat out lie and the rest were opinions, false and unfounded opinions as far as I am concerned.
#2. I accused my son who was of college age, (out of state) of taking drugs. I went to visit him and I could tell that he was on “something”. I knew by physically looking at him that he had been abusing drugs for a while. I called him out and he fully denied the truth. He was so mad at my accusation that he “disowned” me. He wrote me a letter about how I never trusted him and that he saw no need for further contact.
About 4 months later, he called me from rehab. He was addicted to heavy narcotics. I have no regrets about accusing him.My son’s Dad and Grandmother who live near him knew all along about his ongoing drug addiction and never told me. My son lived with me through High School. He went to college in FL. to be closer to his Dad as well as have more freedom and money at his disposal.
#3. In a confrontation, I am seeking to find more information. Perhaps, clarify a perception I have. There’s room for more facts. An accusation in my opinion better be based on facts. There must be evidence and I must know first hand that I am 100% correct.
1. Yes, very hurtful. There is no defense a against a lie” regarding lies and accusations. You can tell the truth but you have no control on whether others believe it or not. I think that is why it is so frustrating.
2. Yes, I have done both when my son was involved in drugs. I wanted to believe I and others were wrong due to fear. Confrontation saved his life and perhaps my sanity.
3. Accusations are self-serving and confrontation done in love can be healing.
1) Yes. It was a distortion. It hurt having to defend myself but I knew the one distorting things hurt more.
2)Yes. I was right. I regret the way I handled it. Even though I was right, was so immature in my dealing with it, I looked bad and lost credibility.
3) The difference is in having what could be a life affirming discussion versus causing wounds.
1. I was accused of “brainwashing” and teaching my children to lie when we found out my mother’s husband was molesting my children. She accused me of being a drug addict with mental issues rather than admit his guilt. In reality, I had a back injury, back surgery, and was on strong meds for 3 months. She used this as the basis for their accusations… The abuse had gone on for several years. My children had been threatened if they told. Eventually, the man confessed, but not before our extended families had disowned us and we had been forced to move to a different town. Many relationships could never be repaired.
2. I confronted my brother about his “harmless” flirtation and how it would wound his wife… about the impending cost of her self-esteem and trust. He denied everything…ended up divorced within a couple of years.
3 The difference in accusation and confrontation? Confrontation is done in a spirit of kindness to gently help someone repair or correct a problem. Accusation is condemning.
1. Distortion of the truth, usually a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of facts.
2. In my mind, yes. Then I confront the person to try and find out the truth.
3. When we have a discrepancy between expectations and reality, will fill in the gap with a story, sometimes including (negative) accusations along the way. In our mind, this is a very likely and plausible truth, but honestly, we don’t know for sure. Accusation is the first part of filling in “what happened” or “what is happening.” Confrontation is the second step, which 1.) sometimes never happens because of fear, bitterness, or wanting to be right, or 2.) happens in anger, so maybe not productive to discover the whole truth or 3.) happens in order to seek the truth, with the highest chance to have resolution.
1. Yes, it was a gross distortion of the facts but had just enough truth in it to be believable to some. I was very hurt at the time, but realized this was the form of manipulation this person used to get attention.
2. Yes I have, and although there has been more than one time, the one time when I was not 100% right is the one that made me decide to never accuse. God help me to confront sin but to never accuse.
3. Confrontation is speaking the truth out of a real desire to edify and build up the other person. Accusation is usually based on our own perception of the facts and can lead to a tearing down of not only the person but the relationship.
#1 True story. About 15 years ago, my husband & I moved to a small Texas town, the kind just big enough to have ‘one of everything.’ We bought an old fixer-upper house that needed complete renovation. The town had one regional/family-owned home-improvement store…except for the brand new Lowes that had just opened its doors. My job while my husband was working was to price-compare between the two stores for the MANY items we would need. As I stood in the toilet aisle of the regional/family-owned store jotting down prices & specs, I was approached by the Store Manager and two employees. To make a long story short, I was accused of looking like (and therefore being) the girlfriend of an employee at Lowes, sent as their “spy” to gather price-information. It was CLEARLY a case of mistaken identity as I quickly produced my wedding ring & out-of-state driver’s license. It was funny for about two seconds. When they wanted to see what I was writing down because they still didn’t believe me (!) and other customers were stopping to stare, it became incredibly embarrassing. (The situation did FINALLY resolve itself…but Lowes received our $15,000.) Haha. 😉
#2 Yes. Uggg. While I may have been “100% correct” about what I was accusing this person of, I was 100% wrong in the way I did it. I was coming from a very hurt, prideful place, so my words were ugly & unkind. I may have been the one originally “wronged” and felt “right” & “justified” in my anger, but I ended up being the bigger wrong-doer in my actions. While it is all by the grace of God resolved now, I regret the way (& heart with which) I brought my accusations BIG TIME.
#3 Confrontation desires to stop, prevent or change; accusation desires to start or stir-up.
**The “haha” at the end of #1 is me laughing at the whole story (again) NOT “Haha, we showed them!” Didn’t like the way that read after hitting the submit button. Thanks. 😉
Love your #3 – (and the #1 story!!)
I feel like you will get a lot of answers on 1 and 2. Both were “yes” for me.
3. The difference between confrontation and accusation? –
I feel like accusing someone of something is implied guilt, where confronting someone is searching for the truth of the situation.
1. Yes. It was a distortion of the truth by a family member which made it more hurtful. Especially since your supposed to look to them for help and advice. I just felt like it was a total low blow.
3. To me, an accusation is something said ABOUT someone. It is based on assumption and said about or to someone without the full or correct facts in place. The receiver of an accusation may or may not have the opportunity to respond. It’s purpose is to destroy.
A confrontation is something said TO someone. Confrontation contains some element of truth, even though all facts may not be known. The receiver of a confrontation has the opportunity to respond. It’s purpose is to correct.
1&2 are just way too much for me to sort through today but I did want to share a little about three.
3. I was having coffee with two spiritual sisters and one of them had read this post and brought the question to the table literally. The conversation was fascinating to me. Accusation vs confrontation. Wow! Pretty quickly we got to the fact that Satan is the accuser of the brethren, however, our Jesus was all about healthy confrontation…cause so much was at stake. He is a gentleman but He is Truth and Truth is not passive in the face of lies….in it’s apt time.
Accusation seems to be inherited from the father of lies. Apt confrontation seems to be in harmony with The Father of Heaven.
1. Yes, accused of something 100% fabricated. Somehow in her mind she distorted things. But it was 100% false without a shred of truth.
2. Yes I have accused someone of something. It was truth, she admitted. I was never sorry. It involved my son and I felt like I was his defender.
3. Accusation: Could be done without the other person even knowing.
Confrontation: Would have to involve the other person knowing.
#3: Although pop psychology can get out of hand, I have found the biggest difference in accusing someone and confronting them can be found in my use of “I” statements. Accusations usually begin with “you.” Confrontation usually begins with “I.” Not a full answer, but those are my thoughts. Amy
#3 — I love my dictionary, so I’m at a disadvantage here! I don’t know why, but negative definitions come to mind first for me. I think of accusation as something whispered behind a person’s back; then can build to an actual confrontation. Hurtful confrontations and false accusations can have so many unhealthy emotions at their birth.
1. Yes, I have been wrongfully, hurtfully accused. In every situation it has been a distortion of the truth, not a total fabrication.
2. Yes, I did make an accusation that turned out to be 100% truth. I regret forcing the issue and learning the truth because that “truth” has become fodder for the enemy. The enemy has used that information to feed my insecurities and has had a long term effect on a significant relationship.
3. The difference between confrontation and accusation seems to boil down to the motivation. The motivation for confrontation is to bring resolution and growth. The motivation for accusation is more self-centered and self-seeking.
1. I was accused of something by a friend once and although her interpretation of the events was completely off base, there was some truth in it. I tried to explain but she wouldn’t have any of it. In hind sight I have to admit that she had every right to be hurt, and I wish I wouldn’t have jumped into defense mode and just said I was sorry, even though she wasn’t completely right. Loss of friendship.
2. I shared something with a mom about her daughter – things that I found out through my daughter (the girls were friends). The behavior was serious, although not life threatening. The girl completely denied it and the mom came to her defense and my daughter lost a friend, as did I. In hind sight I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and let God take care of it.
3. I think confrontation implies questions are being asked and something is being brought to light vs. accusation which is, “you did this”, no questions asked.
Yes, I have been painfully accused of something by another person and was it completely fabricated out of thin air. Person “A” was jealous of a friendship with person “B” so person “A” said I said something horrifically racist about person “B’s” spouse. I had no idea what was going on, but it was obvious I had lost a friend. I wrote them to ask what was going on, thankfully they wrote back and we pieced the lies together.
I have certainly accused people of things, usually a defensive move to protect myself or those I love. Rarely I am 100% correctly… very, very rarely. Most often I go and ask forgiveness for the judgment I made toward them.
Confrontation is meeting it head on in the light. Accusation is back handed and cutting.
I wanted to respond to te lady two questions but didn’t have time this morning.
2. Oh yes. U have accused many people of many things. Some I’ve hit spot on, others, I’ve been completely embarrassed by my mistake. One in particular u remember was accusing our women’s leader of taking in too much and needing help. Mind you, I was very selfishly motivated in wanting to not just help, but implement my own ideas. Honestly, at the time I would never have seen that I was really trying to take over her position. But she confronted me. I accused her if vein a control freak, but had to admit my own motivations for the accusation. Turns out from working with her in different capacities that I want wrong. She was a control freak. She saw it a a different leadership style, (I suppose it is), but doing what you’ve just asked someone else to do is a control freak. We resolved out differences and became really good friends.
3. Accusations can be true or based off misinformation. Many times, I’d say for me all the time, it’s fine assuming you have all the information when you don’t. I think many times accusations are made due to lack I self esteem, to make you feel better, even if you are right. Confrontation is asking for the facts not assuming you know them already. I’d much rather be confronted than accused.
I have to admit, being on both sides of accusations, I am much more careful as to how I approach someone if something doesn’t seem right. I no longer go with my own evidence in hand, but ask questions instead. God has done a great work in me on that topic.
1. Recently had the worst accusation of my life! It was a twisting of reality and a mess of distortion. Too private to write details here. I cried to THE LORD for some time and had to get alone with Him to even begin to recover. I was so hurt and mortified and BLOWN AWAY by it all! I did not see it coming! When someone takes a good thing and tries to make it look impure and perverted it is so offensive! It has so unnerved me that I find myself unable to be myself! The anxiety that has resulted has been significant and I actually had to share it with a few people for prayer and support. One friend said WHAT!…that is so the devil…it is unbelievable! It truly is as tho he handcrafted the situation using the secret places of my childhood to whip me. I am working on forgiveness!
2. Accusation can be hard to define. I recently witnessed a Christian leader teach a small group of us on Dependency on Christ using the BIBLE AS THE DEPENDENT object…the analogy used the illustration of a fungus and a tree. She used THE BIBLE as the FUNGUS!!! I raised my hand and when called on asked her “could you please use something else as the fungus besides GOD’s WORD”…(there were several nearby objects at her disposal). She said, it is just an illustration get over it. She proceeded. She asked us to write down what would happen if the fungus was apart from the tree. We were to write it would die. She was holding up the BIBLE AS THE FUNGUS! I had a problem with this!!! I remained quiet but left as soon as the teaching was over. I have in a sense “accused” her of disrespecting the BIBLE in the letter I wrote her afterwards. It was more a confrontation of facts than an accusation.
3. In my opinion an accusation is UNFOUNDED to some degree and undeserved. A confrontation is when one has valid concerns where someone is not walking in TRUTH or love or lacks being a doer of the WORD in some form… when one stands up for TRUTH, righteousness, honor and the like = confrontation. In #2 above the teacher may have felt accused but I think it was a confrontation because there was a clear and validated by Scripture error by a leader. So much was at stake in upholding the respect of GOD’s WORD and teaching accurately from it. We are to hold each other accountable and be iron to sharpen iron. I confronted in writing after much prayer because I care about GOD’s WORD being taught accurately and respectfully and about those that hear this teaching being misled and because I pray this ministry will not be affected by this leader and wanted leadership to know of this situation to bring needed correction. I think confrontation in love is Matthew 18 directed with the purpose being to promote a pure, growing BODY of believers.
Hi Beth! Yes, I have been accused many times, but the only painful accusations were the ones made by a loved one, and they were always a distortion of actual events/words. I have the humbling position of having a couple of family members who seem to see reality in their own distorted color, and that comes out in tough times by lashing out at whomever is seeming to make them look bad.
I have accused, yes….usually my poor hubby, I would say, more than anyone else! It’s usually an accusation of a perceived wrong, not an actual wrong, and that’s the shame of it! Ah, marriage!!!
Accusation carries the implication of blame, while confrontation seeks to inform and resolve, rather than blame without resolution……
1. I was accused (of something) while working for a pharmacy to get my pharmacy tech clinicals completed. I still have no clue what it was. The thing that was so hurtful was the fact that everyone seemed to know the secret but would not tell me what I had supposedly said or done. The pharmacist I was working for at the time would not let me come back to finish the clinicals and my instructor would not tell me what I was being accused of. Needless to say I was mortified. Almost two years later I still cannot tell you what I was accused of but it hurt me badly. I did pick myself up and finish my clinicals and graduated.
2. I have accused someone of starting a rumor (the thing that I have mentioned above). I still believe that she did create the problem for me because she mentioned it to someone that she would probably get blamed for it. I can’t but wonder why she would say that if she was not quilty. This person is my mother.
3. Confrontation should be done in love, even though I’m not good at confronting people. Accusation is taking stuff behind someone’s back to cause trouble.
1. Yes, and it was fabricated out of thin air. Thankfully, my response let the person know that I was innocent. So many people would have been hurt had she shared the information with others instead of speaking to me about it first.
2. Yes and I was right. In that situation, I wish I had been wrong because it really hurt me.
3. I feel confrontation is when you know the truth, you have facts to back it up, and you want to get it out in the open. An accusation is you suspect, but you have no facts.
What a topic Beth! One that I’ve considered myself over the last few years.
I have been accused and it was very painful. In 2010 I lost my teaching job of 8 years because my supervisor said that I was a liability to the educational institution in which I taught. This was a statement based on some factual information extremely twisted and distorted. I’ve struggled over the past 3 years with my identity as it relates to my career. The words “you are a liability” are seared in my mind. I’ve tried to focus my thoughts on all the good that I did for my students in those 8 years. I also try to focus on the blessings that I received during that time of my life through the children, families, and staff. But in being honest and candid, it is hard! I feel like a failure sometimes. But God in His great mercy and tenderness is teaching me dependency on Him in a new way. I am grateful for the lesson but the pain is deep.
I’ve accused people of things in the privacy of my own mind. I don’t have the guts to say it outright. But what I’ve learned is that whether I voice it or not the accusation affects my interactions with the accused.
Confrontation: I tend to think of confrontation as constructive. Something done with careful thought and when between believers, with prayer.
Accusation: I tend to think of accusation as impulsive, resulting from heightened emotional states. In my situation I think that the accusations against me were done out of spitefulness.
Years ago a deep rift seemed to develop overnight between me and a lady who I was in a prayer triplet with. After about 18 months of trying to sort this out, I was finally able to ask what I had done or said to offend her. She calmly and quietly told me that she could see no evidence of the Spirit of God in my life, and asked when was the last time I had led someone to the Lord? I was just shattered! I went home and spent a long time on my knees with my Lord. Slowly He started to show me that this was a lie, that I was His and He was using me for His glory in His way. He showed me the role He had for me at that time and asked me to just walk faithfully with Him. And I went on a journey of forgiveness for this lady. About another year or so passed and she called me one day to ask if we could catch up before she left town, and she apologised for the rift. I was able to spend some time with her in absolute peace, knowing that I had forgiven her and loved her.
2. Unfortunately I have been an accuser – to my shame! Sometimes with pieces of information, I have formed a picture that was not quite incorrect and said the wrong thing. Over the years I have learned (and am still learning) when to speak up on something and when to hold my tongue – but always to get the facts straight first.
There was an occasion when a young women told me that she and her boyfriend were staying in a motel together while we were on a church event. I talked to my husband and he felt it was best for him to talk to the guy as he was a professing Christian and they shared a good relationship together, while we had both just met the lady. My husband went and talked to the boyfriend and he was quite angry, saying it was none of our business. Later however, he calmed down and then quietly moved his stuff back to where the rest of the church was staying. His girlfriend didn’t understand, but he was grateful to my husband for confronting him.
I have spent time with many women over the years and we have talked and walked through various Scriptures together. Learning to apply them to our own unique situations often involves confronting wrong attitudes or reactions.
There have been a few situations where I had a great deal of unease about something and live with regret that I didn’t go and confront the person / people involved, as my suspicions were correct and a lot of destruction followed.
3. I understand confronting as laying out before someone what you know about their situation and seeking their side of the story. It also involves spending time with them, where required, to be able to implement changes that need to take place.
Accusations are usually made in a much more emotional state and don’t always have facts. Rather than being constructive and leading to a place of repentance and growth, (like confrontation can), accusations tend to be bandied around and be destructive, with no positive solution
3. Thinking about the two, I was surprised how alike they could be and how we confuse them so much! Thinking we are confronting someone when we are actually accusing them. I would say accusing someone is telling the person-or anyone else-what that person did, or what you think he or she did with your full belief behind it. The difference in confronting someone is you are being the mirror for that person to see their actions, bring truth to light, and hopefully change the situation.
2. Recently in Europe holidaying, we were on a ferry boat sightseeing around a lake and i was sitting inside with the family as it was lightly raining. I move outside to take photos, rain had stopped, called the fam to join me Leaving my shoulder bag, with passports, cards etc. on the floor where we had been sitting, we all made ourselves comfortable alongside a couple of cute young guys. The ferry pulled into villages where you could jump off if you wished and catch it up on its return. The cute guys disembarked. More people piled in. All of a sudden, like a crazy woman, my bag my bag my bag……..shock horror. It’s been stolen. Oh no! Feel like fainting. Blood rush to the head….when suddenly i burst out, it was those guys!! They got off the ferry With my bag! I think I was shrieking. Meanwhile the fam are watching with mouths open at their mothers academy award winning performance. My daughter trying to calm me walked through to where we had been sitting, and alas my bag…still there on the floor. Embarrassing isn’t the word….thank The Lord the young guys never had to hear any of this, i never saw them again, no one was hurt, but seriously I was socked at my outburst And ridiculous reaction and accusation!
#3 – a confrontation is done directly person to person (and hopefully tenderly). An accusation is done behind someone’s back. It feels like gossip on steroids.
#2 – Yes. There was a public school principle who had engaged in multiple accounts of blatant lying. The small charter school community was in chaos and melt-down mode. The oversight board of the school seemed unsure of their role. I went to the principal one-on-one (she and I had a working relationship and I actually really liked her – but then, I actually really like most people. Grin). She said things in that confrontation that were, again, blatantly false. I went to a godly man on the oversight board to ask for him and one other board member to join me in confronting her again. This time I had the primary issues typed in letter form which I – as lovingly as I knew to do – read to her in the presence of the four of us. She went ballistic. Apparently one of the fifteen lies I chronicled (the point was to underscore the fact that the school community knew she was fully engaged in deceit and to urge the board to do their due diligence and address her behavior). One of the points was technically wrong (I got a date wrong), but the gist of the point was true.
End result: she became totally unhinged and vindictive. The local board first seemed reluctant to believe she was capable of such widespread and deep-seated deception. She lured a local pastor to defend her. The pastor began flying into rages (he wasn’t a 1-800-Grant-Me-Ordination-Papers pastor; he’d attended one of the most highly regarded evangelical seminaries in our nation) in public towards those he thought were opposing the principle, His elders launched a months-long investigation. A huge percentage of the school left (the families in the know). The local school board and school district would admit she was unhinged – but behind closed doors. No one seemed willing to take her on. This was over six years ago. I just happened across a student this afternoon who remarked to me that her parents had removed her from the school after last year, “because things got so bad.” All but one of the original board members left the school over the next year in total disgust.
Life lesson for me: as soon as I detect deceit or rage/fury issues out of an authority figure – whether it’s a local pastor, principal, or any other recognized “leader”; look for the exit. Pray about the next steps, yes; but really consider simply immediately removing oneself. I’m a crusader by nature and I’m not wired to simply back down from deceit and rage – esp when I see so many innocent people being hurt. But. Unless I was willing to drive the situation into the courts where the parties would have been under deposition (which I wasn’t willing to do), I should have simply removed myself and my children immediately. I’ve seen way too many groups (churches, schools, etc.) have life breathed into them by the effort/$/time/energy of hard-working, God-fearing folks when the structures themselves are broken without proper accountability systems which allow abusive leaders to stay on indefinitely. So, so many innocent people can be so brutally hurt.
Get. Out. Now. The world is too big and there are far too many honest, loving people to partner with to advance the Kingdom and the good news of the King then to stick around with abusive and unhealthy structures and leaders.
(Sorry. Can you tell I’m still processing this one? I’ve gone way over the limit and moved into other territory. I think this whole subject is woefully neglected – in terms of just having the conversation in the church. Maybe God will use you to bring it to the fore?)
#1 – after much thought, prayer, tears, more thought, and a lot more tears, we made the painful decision to leave the church we’d been part of for eight years (this was a number of years ago). I am a writer and spent the next year processing not just our experience, but “church in general” – I think God is up to all sorts of things when it comes to His Body – all over the world. I spent a year reading up on His activity outside the U.S. with smaller groups, along with big mega-churches, all sorts of stuff. A year and a half later a friend from our prior church asked “What I’d Been Thinking” – and I answered her with an 8-page paper about what the Lord had been teaching me. Somehow her letter made its way back to the leadership of our former church (she must have shared it with someone). A few months later the pastor’s wife and myself met for breakfast – we were both trying to make sure our relationship continued in a healthy way even though we weren’t at that particular church any longer. This was our first time to get together (we had done years of ministry together in the past). Towards the end of our time, she broke down, sobbing, and said she was having a hard time trusting me because of the “ten page letter about how terrible their church was that I’d given to pastors all over town.” I was simply so dumbstruck I had no words. I asked what she was talking about and she referenced the letter I’d given my girlfriend (a letter she had not read; just heard about). I assured her I’d get her a copy of it and that I was sure she’d agree with what I’d written – that it was about church-in-general; that there was nothing in it, not one thing she would have had an issue with. She recoiled at my suggestion that she read it. The whole encounter was sad and surreal. But it underscored for me that we’d made the right decision to move on when we had. Miscommunication and lots of constantly hurt feelings on the part of the leadership towards congregants had made staying at the church like walking on eggshells. We were sad and tired. After that breakfast she and I got together one more time, about a year later. I think God was honored by our attempts at continued relationship, but I also felt a freedom after that last time that that chapter was over. I so love those people from that season of my life. There were so many good and sweet times; but working with them closely produced so much hurt amidst the good. There was just so much mixture. I learned that if you observe a person, or a community, who always seem to have charred relationships in their rearview mirror, you will probably not be the exception. I should have been wiser to this truth earlier on. Pollyanna glasses are good to wear sometimes; but given the option, I’ll take discernment and wisdom any day. I’ve learned their great value.
1. I have found most accusations are twists of the truth.
Since there is a grain of truth in the lie it is much harder to refute and almost can make it look like WE are the ones lying. Have lived this and it is extremely upsetting.
2. I have accused and sadly was 100% right…in my case, I was not sorry I had accused since there were serious issues that needed to come into the light.
3. I think confrontation is having the truth in hand and going to the person with it.
I think accusation is having a suspicion and going to the person trying to confirm or deny it.