Unwanted.
That was the word that ran through my mind last week.
Now, before I keep writing I want you to hear that I am okay. I do not despise being single. I’m not pinning wedding ideas, dresses and rings on a secret Pinterest board. (But no judgment to those of you that do have a secret wedding board. Grin.) I don’t believe I’m one that has put off living my life until marriage. I don’t do single life perfectly, but I do try to spend an appropriate amount of my time serving and doing exciting things. (If I cease to live my life while waiting for marriage, someone please smack me upside the head to snap out of it.) But while being single has its perks, it also has its setbacks. Lonely days come. (And for those of you married and lonely, know that my heart hurts for you. I’m praying and believing that God would do a restoration and redemption that only He can.) Just like we all have good and bad weeks as parents, or friends, singles also have good and bad weeks. Good and bad days.
Typically when I have a week like that, I hate to burden anyone around me so I keep it to myself. Part of how I walk in pride is that I compare my situation to others around me, and to the onlooker if my trials are seemingly small and trivial, I tend to play down my emotions and feelings. So yes, the truth is, I am very blessed, loved and wanted, however, on the flip side, what matters to me, matters to God. Even the seemingly trivial that may seem ridiculous to someone else. But for me to act like I’m okay all the time doesn’t do me or anyone else any good. Because for me to compare my situations to those around me and not deal with what’s going on inside of me? Well, that’s just seems ridiculous and unwise. How can I minister to others when I fail to minister to my own heart?
Last week was just one of those weeks. I could not get past that daunting word. Unwanted. It just felt like blow after blow. I couldn’t ever come up from the undertow. I’d fall, get up again, only to fall right back down. And everything, and I mean everything, reminded me of my singleness. And what sometimes feels like chronic singleness.
A text message from a friend.
Some sad news about a friend.
Some exciting news about a friend.
The need to get an oil change. (These are the things I need a husband for. Of course, I hope you can hear me laughing.)
Celebrations.
Ministry.
Just to name a few.
I mean let’s be honest, sometimes a girl just needs (and wants) a male perspective to talk everything out with. Not to be needy. Not to be clingy. And certainly not for everything to be fixed and happy, but I think it’s healthy to long for a mate to do life with. The Lord created us male and female so that we would compliment each other. Be a helpmate to each other. (Granted, I know most males aren’t the chatty type, and I don’t imagine my future husband and I chatting for three hours at the end of every day, but on occasion? Well, sure. A girl can dream.)
I know this post sounds so depressing, but it is just true. Sometimes I don’t want to sugarcoat singleness. Because sometimes it’s just hard. And no fun.
I’m trying to become a more honest version of myself (something we talk about a lot around here) and one thing I have been confessing to the Lord lately was that although I know He’s chosen to protect me for 28 years from all the hurt and pain that relationships can bring, to a girl who desires to be a wife and mother one day, it feels a lot like rejection.
Yes, the Lord’s protection feels a lot like rejection to me. A different form of rejection, sure, but rejection nonetheless.
And let me tell you one thing, rejection isn’t pretty or easy.
This I know, no relationship can shrink that deep longing inside each of us to know and be known. In fact, I think the deeper our relationships grow and the longer we have them, the more we realize how crafty God was in leaving that hole that only he can fill. Our longing has been, and always will be, Him.
But it’s when I start to spiral into a thought process of pity and lies that I’m so gently reminded of the Lord’s promises.
The scary thing about being human flesh and blood is that I can be so stubborn. Even when He gently wants to woo me back to Him, sometimes I want to sit in my self-pity. Gross. So, I can choose to be stubborn, or I can let God deal with me. The choice really is my own.
Can I tell you one thing I know to be true? One thing that I’ve been working out with the Lord? If I can’t believe what the Internet says, and if I can’t believe what I’m thinking half of the time, then the only and one sure thing I can believe is what God’s word says about Him, about me, and about His promises.
God’s promises to me and to you reveal more about Him to us than us to Him. Does that make sense? He knows us inside and out, but He’s given us His promises so that we can know and trust Him. They reveal His glory. His character. His trustworthiness.
I can trust His word by faith because in 2 Timothy 3:16 He’s told us that “all scripture is God breathed…”, so when I need to correct my thinking, I can rest on the promises in His word. The Word He has spoken.
“So that the man of God may be complete and proficient, well fitted and thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:17
He doesn’t speak truth to my heart just to hear His own voice, He speaks truth so that I’m complete and equipped for every good work. There is purpose in His Word. There is purpose in His promises. There is purpose in His goodness.
How do I know He’s good?
Because I know the character of God. Listen, I know those of us who have heard these characteristics and promises time and time again tend to skip over them, but hear them today. Bring each of your circumstances and situations to these scriptures today and let them mold your thinking. No, the Word may not bring immediate clarity or all the answers to your situation, but the Word of God can bring peace and clarity to your heart and mind in the midst of restlessness.
He’s not out to harm me, or spite me. Jeremiah 29:10 – 14
Discipline me? Yes, He tells us he disciplines His children, and although it’s not fun at the time, it makes me more like Him. Hebrews 12:1-13
He’s kind. His heart is warm towards us. Sympathetic towards us. It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance. Not his harshness. Ephesians 2:7. Isaiah 63:7.
He’s gracious. He’s generous to our poor and needy selves. He doesn’t look down upon those who are of “lower social status” than Him. Isaiah 30:18
He’s loving. I don’t have to beg for His love. He gives it freely. His actions speak far louder than His words. He took His love to the cross for us. Psalm 62:11-12. Psalm 145:17
He’s faithful. His affections toward us never run out. He’s faithful forever. Psalm 33:4. Psalm 145:13. Psalm 146:6.
Nothing can separate me from His love. Nothing. Romans 8:37-39
He’s always with me. Deuteronomy 31:8
He meets all of my needs. Not my wants, my needs. Philippians 4:19
I’m never more thankful for Jesus than when He stoops down to meet me in my place of poverty. My place of unbelief. That place where I’ll undoubtedly return to at some point in my moments of weakness. I recently read a quote by a preacher that has not left me the past month or so, it said, “God invites us to come as we are, not stay as we are.” So that lie I kept repeating to myself last week? That ugly word, unwanted? I bring it to the Lord, I bring Him my honest self and over time, it’s exchanged for the truth of being wanted, pursued and delighted in by a very good God.
1.Yes, I’ve been falsely accused. What started out as a twisting of the truth soon spiraled down, as most sin does, until the person was caught and didn’t know what to do other that fabricate more lies to cover up from being exposed.
2. I have huge regrets….but yes. Wounded people tend to wound others. Been there done that.
3. I’m on day 23 of 30 days of asking God to heal my heart in this very area. It has been an incredible journey of healing! I believe that accusations destroy, tear apart, harm…etc.
Confrontation, on the other hand, when done in love should provide an environment of safety that has intentions of restoration, truth and healing.
As I read through this wonderful blog today I couldn’t help but think of a dear friend of mine who is struggling with the same situation. God has his timing for all of us to find that “Mr. Right” and in the meantime we should, and I emphasize Should, know he is there for us healing our broken hearts and loving us! I have asked her to come on this site and read this as well. I feel as though God has opened my eyes in this to help me help her!
Thank you for sharing Lindsee!!
As I read your post and the comments that followed, I was reminded of all those feelings surrounding singleness and the many years I dealt with the good and the bad ones. I think I had them so long, they remain close the surface and I can truly empathize. Just a few short years ago, I could have written the same blog. I wanted to encourage all of you to keep trusting in God and His plans, especially His timing! I got married a month after turning 40, got pregnant, and had a wonderful baby boy 9 months later…all before turning 41! When God decided to pour out abundantly more than I could have ever imagined, it came in buckets!
Not unwanted! Just undiscovered!
Dana, what a word. Thank you!
Hi, When you least Expect it, God Surprises!!! I tell my 24 yr. old daughter that, I know you’ll both be quite a Catch!!! when God says It’s Time!!!!
“…sometimes I want to sit in my self-pity. Gross.”
this made me LOL at my desk today.
Lindsee, your posts are always very timely. God uses you time & again to get thru my thick skull (: thanks for becoming a more honest version of yourself–it’s very encouraging to be reminded that i’m not alone.
Lindsee,
I am so impressed with the wisdom which is beyond your years when you blog us. Your comments were right on target. I am a 54 year old never been married. I want to encourage all of my younger single siestas that the best place to be in relationships is right where God wants you. He can bring you to a place of contentment in your singleness if you seek Him and allow Him to love on you. (Except on garbage night! LOL!)
Lindsee, I struggled with that for many many years! I have a boyfriend for four years, and we are not hurrying to get married, but we are trusting in God’s timing, as well as being our independent selves. It is truly nice to have someone to wait with I will say that. The wait becomes much more bearable. I was 33 when we met, and he was 42. 37 and 45 now. God knows, and the commenter who has a friend who had a baby at 41. A friend of ours also had a late in life child. She is a happy three year old. I keep hoping!
Dear Lindsee,
THANK YOU for posting your story! This blog post spoke VOLUMES to me because I’ve been there! Honestly, I was just there today!
So thank you for the words of encouragement and I will add you to my prayer list if you’d like for me to pray that God will continue to lead, guide, bless, protect and show you what He has for you in this life. Meanwhile, read Jeremiah 29:11 🙂
Lindsee, Wow, exceptionally well said! As a fellow Christian single woman, I think you have done an excellent job summing up how so many of us think & feel. There are several single people that I regularly pray for, & you are one of them.
Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable, Lindsee. I am 30 and single, and I too desire to get married. As a Christian it is hard to talk about the pain this sometimes brings because I know I should be content and that God has a plan. But I appreciate your willingness to be open about what all single people feel. I have been encouraged by your words, and by all of the comments from everyone else. I am going to bookmark this post. I am praying for our Mr. Rights!
Lindsee, I was married for 16 years before my husband died unexpectantly of cancer, leaving me as a young widow with 3 small children. Seven years later, I still have not dated anyone. That loneliness that you talk of is deafening at times.
Yesterday, I had to leave my oldest at college for the very first time…. by myself. A life event that should be shared with his Dad…. but, yet, there I was alone. The loneliness was overwhelming. Then, I heard the Lord speak in my heart “You are either going to trust me or you are not”. Over the course of the past two days, the Lord led me to listen to one of Travis’ songs that I have heard over and over on my CD…. Let the Praises Ring. It reminded me that I have put my trust in the Lord. He is where I find my strength, hope and peace.
Oh, Terri! Bless you, sweet Sister. I’m praying that The Lord would be so near to you in the next few weeks and delight you in ways you KNOW are from Him. He loves you. He does provide. Much love!
You are, sweet sister, a perfect example of a perfectly flawed, beautifully loved, daughter of the KING of KINGS!! Thank you for your raw honesty and thank you for reminding us that Jesus, the perfect Word, is alive and working in your and our lives. Your hurt is real…please know, you’ve ministered to me and a thousand or so others in the Siesta world! May the Lord continue to minister to you through His “living” word…”Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God”. (1 Peter 1:18 MSG). See how these memory verses pop up at just the appropriate times!! Just crazy about HIM…and you!!
Proverbs 3:3-4 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding and HE will direct your paths.
Lindsee, I am glad you are honest with us regarding what you struggle with. Those verses I want to cut and paste and print them out so I can reread that section of your post over and over again. Such stabilizing truth to meditate on…
“Life Envy” is the term that I coined when these thoughts you’ve posted came to my mind a few years back.
Just to let you know: God is divinely protecting you and I from things that we don’t need to be involved in right now. Once He revealed that to me, my heart was so rested knowing that His hand is covering me right now for a purpose. But yes, the struggle is real. Don’t let life envy destroy the happiness of the singleness gift! (yes, ladies, even temporary singleness can be a gift).
Love you sister
This post really, REALLY encouraged me Lindsee. As a 25 year old single girl – sometimes the ache for a past relationship just hurts like a knife! Yet, today is the SECOND time I have heard a reference to that verse in 2 Tim. 3:17 – so that the man of God may be COMPLETE. We are made complete in Jesus and through JESUS! Anyways, thank you for your courage to speak so boldly and share the honest struggle of singlehood! Praying God blesses you.
Linds,
Thanks for the WORD at the end of this; I really need that – I have had your similar past few weeks (33 and single) and its been super heavy on me as of late. I keep thinking “Why can’t I just get over it? Am I unfaithful in my lack of contentment?” and then I start grumbling against Dad because I am like “You made me with these desires… no fair! (stomps foot, pouts bottom lip)” and then I get mad at myself for not getting over it, ug. So, thank you very much for your honesty and a space (rejection is a great word for the emotional reality of it) and thanks for a space to say “Yeah, me too” and thank you, most importantly for pointing us back to the Truth.
Sasha
Thank you for this! I have been struggling with this exact thing. I really needed to hear this truth.
Thanks for being honest. I applaud you. How good to write out what HIS wORD says to counteract the strong feelings that try to overtake…
I just came home from a wonderful birthday celebration for my niece. She is loved and held as truly precious by all our family. It is in moments like that that I can feel unwanted because I never remember being treasured like that. I long for that feeling of being precious to others. I know I am precious to THE LORD and that helps so much. Just miss feeling precious by others. That feeling of being un-cherished goes so along with unwanted.
Keeping our focus on being wanted and precious to THE LORD is key to victory and as you did writing out the truths of what the LORD says is wonderfully helpful and encouraging. Thank you for sharing your heart in an appropriate way. May the LORD encourage you. In Christ,
I have a scar down my face from an auto accident when I was a child. I can relate to that felling of being unwanted.
I was 30 before I started dating my husband and 35 before I got married. It is easy to fall into the trap that something is wrong with you, how could anyone love you or why haven’t I found that special person when all my friends have. My family said I was too picky. I wanted someone who treated me the way I felt I deserved to be treated, accepted me for who I was and accepted the strong confident woman that God nurtured in me. God brought me the right person.
That said, it is better to be with no one than to be with the wrong someone. Build a group of friends to do fun things with. God has a plan for your life and a way to use the gifts you have been given. Friends can help you explore those gifts if you haven’t seen them in yourself.
I now run a food pantry in our church and do mobile pantries throughout the county, where through our network, I order a semi and with a ton of volunteers, provide a grocery cart of food to 250-300 families each month. God loves you just the way you are. Too few of us internalize that I was lucky to grow up in a church that emphasized that. Explore your gifts. You will find your way.
Lindsee,
I have been hearing about Beth Moore for a few months now. I am originally from Austin, TX, but had moved up to New York City for a little while. I moved back to the south about a year and a half ago, and that is where I first heard Beth’s name. I attended Beth’s event today in Louisiana, and have now discovered this blog site. I feel led to share that this blog titled ‘Unwanted’ and Beth’s message, ‘The Great Escape’ where she makes the point that the devil is the ‘accuser’ and that Satan wants to ‘shut you up’ are the very things I have been challenged with for the past year and a half of my life. Prior to that time, I suppose I had been spared from heartache/heartbreak and ‘problems.’ However you and Beth have both hit home with me with your words:’Unwanted’ and ‘Accused.’ A personal phrase that I have been struggling with for a while is, “no one understands me.” I am typically a very private person, especially with matters of the heart. I have to tell you, this past Monday, I finally decided to find out who Beth Moore is. I went over to youtube, typed in Beth’s name and clicked on the first video that came up ‘The Presence of God.’ That night may very well have been the most profound night of my life. I woke up the next morning and I could feel the breath of the Holy Spirit over me. I sent that video to my inner circle of girlfriends; little did I know some of them had been struggling too. Despite what I have going on in my life right now, I made it a point to get to the Century Link Center to see Beth Live. I knew Jesus was going to bring further revelation into my life through His vessel Beth. I did not have anyone to go with, so I went alone. I live across the street from the venue, so my power went out, and I had to get ready in the dark — I want to say, this happened just as I had convinced myself it was fine to attend this event alone. Do I believe Satan wanted to keep me from Beth, certainly. Lindsee, I believe that Jesus, in my weakest moment, revealed Beth to me, as someone who ‘finally’ understood me. Everything that I could not articulate about what was going on inside, in my interior spiritual life, Beth put into words and ministered to, in ‘The Presence of God.’ Your blog ‘Unwanted’ expresses my exact thoughts/words on the topic, almost verbatim. I still have a long road ahead of me in allowing God to reveal what the past few years of my life were all about, and why they had to happen to me. I simply wanted to say Thank You, to you and Beth. I believe through the grace of God, and all His mercy that at this moment in time, in His perfect timing, that He revealed His daughter Beth to me, to begin His work in me. My birthday is next Saturday, I will be 28. I would very much like to ask you and Beth to pray for me. All I could want for my birthday is a prayer from you and Beth ‘that the Lord will continue to reveal Himself to me. That HE will continue to form me into the woman HE created me to be. That my life will be an authentic representation of who Christ is in me, and that my life will reflect the spirit of Jesus. At the end of the day, the one thing that neither man, nor Satan can take from me…is JESUS.
Hi Lindsee,
What a great post. Thank you for being so honest about such a difficult topic !
I can relate quite easily, as I am a single lady (never been married), yet am more than twice your age. However, I would really prefer to marry a man who shares my beliefs in our Lord Jesus, as well; which tends to be more difficult up here in the Midwest. However, I have faith that the Lord will either show me, and/or guide me towards the man He has chosen for me, or will provide for me in other ways. But, it is not an “easy” thing to do . . .
In Christ’s Love,
Jennifer
Southern Wisconsin
Again…we could totally be friends! I can totally relate. I’m thankful for the reminders of truth in this blog post and thankful for you, my friend!
XO,
Poorna
Lindsee! God bless you sis. He is so worth this fight, and you know what? I know you’d have it no other way! Loved this so much. Our God is soooo irresistible! And we’ve only caught a glimpse…what a saviour!
Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you for this heartfelt post. I am 34 and single and I can relate to
everything you said…all of it. Some days it’s just so hard even when I have surrendered to God completely my desire to be a wife and mother. That’s one reason I am thankful to believe His understanding is infinite. Recently the Lord has been reviving my desire to be a wife…I know it is Him alone doing it because I had been completely surrendering it to Him and He had eased my desire in an unexplainable but amazing way. He has given me a God sized dream, an interest, and a hope. I have been meditating on His words and trying to listen to every heart song He is giving me. I am putting my whole trust in Him again on the matter and it has been a huge adventure in faith. I am claiming Ephesians 3:20…I believe Jesus regardless of the circumstances. The feet that wait on God are soonest at the goal that is not gained by speed. So take heart my soul for I will wait His lead. Thanks again for this post. It helps to know I am not alone in how I feel and we can encourage one another with our prayers. My sister is also 31 and single…we are blessed to have each other and we will be remembering you in our prayers in Michigan. Blessings!
My Christian daughter loaned me the book, VOICES OF THE FAITHFUL. I’ve been reading it, slowly, savoring it for quite some time. I finished the book last night and found this web address and other information.
The first two entries on this blog spoke to my heart.
Unwanted. That seems to be me. I’ve been alone, BUT FOR GOD AND JESUS, much of my life, especially since I divorced my husband. I’ve felt very alone since divorcing. Notice, but FOR GOD. Isn’t that terrible. Seems like a female minister said something like that and made me think. I am unwanted but FOR GOD AND JESUS.
I do not have a church home. I asked my name to be removed from church rolls before moving a long distance. I’ve not found a church to attend. I stopped trying due to health problems and other reasons. I’ve been out now for about
nine years but visited churches. Contrary to what some people think we were not treated terribly by churches we attended. I stopped going due to marriage problems, but we went back to church. I simply quit going. Nothing is perfect, there will always be disagreements, but we were not run out of the church due to mistreatment or abuse.
I had inner conflicts therefore I quit going. That was not the right thing to do. God would not leave or forsake me. I could not get rid of him. So. Here I am.
I now have breast ca with mets. Sounds like opera, doesn’t it. No. It is not quite opera. I’ve been here mostly in this apartment for nine years and I have grown so much in my relationship with the Lord. I feel unwanted but for my dtr and her little family. But I have grown so much and feel so much closer to the Lord. I also understand the issues in my life, such as distortions, complete lies, etc. Everyone has those. I feel better physically, since the partial mastectomy, than I have felt in a couple of years. Definitely better, far better, like a different person than I felt a year ago. I plan, God willing, to be around for a while. God bless you. Pray for me and my neighbors in this complex.
Oh. Please, Christian ladies. I have a request from us, some of us at least, senior ladies, and I mean the ones of us with health problems , too. We are seniors, we are alone. However, I do not feel a day older in my mind than I did when I was 45. I do not like being segregated and will fight to my death against it. The thought of being alone, unwanted, losing my career so abruptly was bad enough, the financial disaster that came with that, the being confined to the apartment, alone , not being able to find a church home (I am Baptist) was devastating. Now, seems like that since I am alone, unable to work for a number of reasons, that they want to rush me off into segregated housing. Please please pray for us alone, unwanted senior females and males. I am regaining my health. Please forgive the long post , but I feel this issue is critical for Christian seniors and unChristian seniors who are alone.
I’ve lost some weight in the past eight months, not due to the cancer. It is due to a hole in my diet left by another health problem.Big plus factor. I feel better. Everything has an up side with the Lord. Please, again, Christian women do not shut us older alone females, regardless of our lack of beauty or fitness, out of the Christian world. I really do not want to be in a group for only older seniors. Age is not contagious. Cancer is not contagious. However, everyone is going to get old if they live long enough. Be nice, treat us the way you would like to be treated.
Well as much as I agree with you on a lot of points about being single, I can truthfully say that I too wanted to find the person to marry and wanted the same things you mentioned and yet found that marriage to “not” be all I had imagined it to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be married but everyone will tell you relationships are hard and have their ups and downs. I find that some of my good girl-friends can relate to my feelings more than my husband on some issues and I still have feelings of loneliness which I try to take to the Lord and have him fill up with him.
Lindsee!! Thank you for posting this and being real! Your words have ministered to my heart thru the Holy Spirit. There are times as well when I feel “chronically single” or that I also need to pretend that everything is always ok so as not to burden those around me who have a husband or a family. One verse the Spirit has really highlighted from God’s Word is Philippians 4:13 bcs the content of that verse is Paul saying that he knows what it is to be in need and knows what it is to have plenty but that he has “learned the secret of being content in any and every situation”…… “I can do all this thru Christ who strengthens me” (NIV). God gives us the strength in each and every circumstance of life. His grace is sufficient for us.
Lindsee, one of my very close friends was in a similar situation – being single for the first 30 years of her life. This summer I got to meet her husband – the wedding was in spring. My friend wasn’t there at the meeting but as I walked through the park and talked to her husband one thing I cannot forget – the way his eyes lit up when I first mentioned her name. Girl, I do not know what’s on God’s mind for you but inside my girl’s heart I am hoping and praying for your prince charming. You seem like a sweet, wise, God loving, beautiful woman – it takes time to find a match for a girl like that! Please do not feel discouraged on days or weeks of loneliness. We all feel lonely at times. I have experienced feeling lonely while single and have also felt alone while married. I am sending a big bear-like hug to you and my sister-like love in Christ!
Lindsee, I’m in a similar boat (I’m 33 & as single as can be). It’s hard…very hard, in fact. But His grace is sufficient. Press on and press in, sweet sister. And, on those really blah days, a few episodes of Alias never hurts. #fellowfan
Oh, Sister! Alias was my drug of choice until I finally finished the entire season. Grin. I’m so glad you like it, too!
Thank you for this post. As someone learning to be single again (really for the first time), I needed to hear this today. I’ve struggled with many of these same feelings and thoughts over the past year and a half. I got married at 19, and all I knew how to do was be a wife and partner. Some days are better than others. Some days I’m grateful to not have conflict at home to deal with, and other days I just want somebody’s hand to hold for a while. Learning to function and not only be content, but HAPPY, as a whole single person is hard work. But I am trusting that God knows what He is doing, and when the time comes for me to have another relationship, He’ll make it clear.
Linds, I too experienced everything you wrote about on this blog. It’s refreshing when single girls who love Jesus keep it real. Be encouraged, three weeks ago for the first time in my 45 yr old life this happened. http://youtu.be/VqCE—-atc
Wow, such a honest and wonderful post. I am 37 years old and am single. Never married and at times feel exactly how you described “Good and Bad Days”.
I love how somehow wrote “undiscovered”, so very true.
God Bless you Lindsee, this post really hit home.
Wished I could get a copy of the creative reading about grace you read right before lunch today.
Beth! We attended the Simulcast today from Granville Ohio! We were so blessed by your and the message!! Thank YOU for being you and being an obedient servant to our Father… Blessings to you sweet woman of God!!!
I always had a relationship but due to unfortunate cirumstances I may not marry. I feel like a eunuch. I always had a desire for relationship but was unable to make it happy due to my desire for selfprotection. I did want to get married or to serve a man, infact I think I got greater joy out of that then my career ever did. I just didnt have a level of committment to stop what I was doing to be able to fully care for a husband, nor did I know how. there was always something I was doing. I wasnt ready to settle even though one gentlemen I was ready to, and would have but missionwork at that time pulled harder, so he lost. now im alone wishing I could have both, bc I hate being single now..its not a joy, but something to be managed like diabetes. I struggle and I cant imagine if I dont have the grace and am constantly struggling in my flesh, im meant to be a eunuch. its kicks rocks actually.