That was the word that ran through my mind last week.
Now, before I keep writing I want you to hear that I am okay. I do not despise being single. I’m not pinning wedding ideas, dresses and rings on a secret Pinterest board. (But no judgment to those of you that do have a secret wedding board. Grin.) I don’t believe I’m one that has put off living my life until marriage. I don’t do single life perfectly, but I do try to spend an appropriate amount of my time serving and doing exciting things. (If I cease to live my life while waiting for marriage, someone please smack me upside the head to snap out of it.) But while being single has its perks, it also has its setbacks. Lonely days come. (And for those of you married and lonely, know that my heart hurts for you. I’m praying and believing that God would do a restoration and redemption that only He can.) Just like we all have good and bad weeks as parents, or friends, singles also have good and bad weeks. Good and bad days.
Typically when I have a week like that, I hate to burden anyone around me so I keep it to myself. Part of how I walk in pride is that I compare my situation to others around me, and to the onlooker if my trials are seemingly small and trivial, I tend to play down my emotions and feelings. So yes, the truth is, I am very blessed, loved and wanted, however, on the flip side, what matters to me, matters to God. Even the seemingly trivial that may seem ridiculous to someone else. But for me to act like I’m okay all the time doesn’t do me or anyone else any good. Because for me to compare my situations to those around me and not deal with what’s going on inside of me? Well, that’s just seems ridiculous and unwise. How can I minister to others when I fail to minister to my own heart?
Last week was just one of those weeks. I could not get past that daunting word. Unwanted. It just felt like blow after blow. I couldn’t ever come up from the undertow. I’d fall, get up again, only to fall right back down. And everything, and I mean everything, reminded me of my singleness. And what sometimes feels like chronic singleness.
A text message from a friend.
Some sad news about a friend.
Some exciting news about a friend.
The need to get an oil change. (These are the things I need a husband for. Of course, I hope you can hear me laughing.)
Just to name a few.
I mean let’s be honest, sometimes a girl just needs (and wants) a male perspective to talk everything out with. Not to be needy. Not to be clingy. And certainly not for everything to be fixed and happy, but I think it’s healthy to long for a mate to do life with. The Lord created us male and female so that we would compliment each other. Be a helpmate to each other. (Granted, I know most males aren’t the chatty type, and I don’t imagine my future husband and I chatting for three hours at the end of every day, but on occasion? Well, sure. A girl can dream.)
I know this post sounds so depressing, but it is just true. Sometimes I don’t want to sugarcoat singleness. Because sometimes it’s just hard. And no fun.
I’m trying to become a more honest version of myself (something we talk about a lot around here) and one thing I have been confessing to the Lord lately was that although I know He’s chosen to protect me for 28 years from all the hurt and pain that relationships can bring, to a girl who desires to be a wife and mother one day, it feels a lot like rejection.
Yes, the Lord’s protection feels a lot like rejection to me. A different form of rejection, sure, but rejection nonetheless.
And let me tell you one thing, rejection isn’t pretty or easy.
This I know, no relationship can shrink that deep longing inside each of us to know and be known. In fact, I think the deeper our relationships grow and the longer we have them, the more we realize how crafty God was in leaving that hole that only he can fill. Our longing has been, and always will be, Him.
But it’s when I start to spiral into a thought process of pity and lies that I’m so gently reminded of the Lord’s promises.
The scary thing about being human flesh and blood is that I can be so stubborn. Even when He gently wants to woo me back to Him, sometimes I want to sit in my self-pity. Gross. So, I can choose to be stubborn, or I can let God deal with me. The choice really is my own.
Can I tell you one thing I know to be true? One thing that I’ve been working out with the Lord? If I can’t believe what the Internet says, and if I can’t believe what I’m thinking half of the time, then the only and one sure thing I can believe is what God’s word says about Him, about me, and about His promises.
God’s promises to me and to you reveal more about Him to us than us to Him. Does that make sense? He knows us inside and out, but He’s given us His promises so that we can know and trust Him. They reveal His glory. His character. His trustworthiness.
I can trust His word by faith because in 2 Timothy 3:16 He’s told us that “all scripture is God breathed…”, so when I need to correct my thinking, I can rest on the promises in His word. The Word He has spoken.
“So that the man of God may be complete and proficient, well fitted and thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:17
He doesn’t speak truth to my heart just to hear His own voice, He speaks truth so that I’m complete and equipped for every good work. There is purpose in His Word. There is purpose in His promises. There is purpose in His goodness.
How do I know He’s good?
Because I know the character of God. Listen, I know those of us who have heard these characteristics and promises time and time again tend to skip over them, but hear them today. Bring each of your circumstances and situations to these scriptures today and let them mold your thinking. No, the Word may not bring immediate clarity or all the answers to your situation, but the Word of God can bring peace and clarity to your heart and mind in the midst of restlessness.
He’s not out to harm me, or spite me. Jeremiah 29:10 – 14
Discipline me? Yes, He tells us he disciplines His children, and although it’s not fun at the time, it makes me more like Him. Hebrews 12:1-13
He’s kind. His heart is warm towards us. Sympathetic towards us. It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance. Not his harshness. Ephesians 2:7. Isaiah 63:7.
He’s gracious. He’s generous to our poor and needy selves. He doesn’t look down upon those who are of “lower social status” than Him. Isaiah 30:18
He’s loving. I don’t have to beg for His love. He gives it freely. His actions speak far louder than His words. He took His love to the cross for us. Psalm 62:11-12. Psalm 145:17
He’s faithful. His affections toward us never run out. He’s faithful forever. Psalm 33:4. Psalm 145:13. Psalm 146:6.
Nothing can separate me from His love. Nothing. Romans 8:37-39
He’s always with me. Deuteronomy 31:8
He meets all of my needs. Not my wants, my needs. Philippians 4:19
I’m never more thankful for Jesus than when He stoops down to meet me in my place of poverty. My place of unbelief. That place where I’ll undoubtedly return to at some point in my moments of weakness. I recently read a quote by a preacher that has not left me the past month or so, it said, “God invites us to come as we are, not stay as we are.” So that lie I kept repeating to myself last week? That ugly word, unwanted? I bring it to the Lord, I bring Him my honest self and over time, it’s exchanged for the truth of being wanted, pursued and delighted in by a very good God.