Hey, Dear Sisters! Well, surely after all these years I don’t have to tell you that you are my go-to group and all-time favorite resource for surveys or insights into various Scriptural concepts. God started pressing a topic on my heart about a week and a half ago out of the blue during my quiet time and, since then, I have been all over both Testaments searching every spot where it rears up its head. Now I’d love to add some layers of examples and insights from life experience on top of it. The topic is accusation and it ultimately centers on the enemy as our accuser but I feel like God is leading me to gain some understanding of ways it weaves itself into our human relationships.
If you’d like to help wrap some human skin around an anatomy of accusation, so to speak, I would love to hear your responses to any or all of the 3 questions below. Your really honest answers would help me so much. At the same time, please don’t share anything that would be injurious to another person or that you’d mind being read in the newspaper of a small town because that’s roughly the population of readers we have on this blog. This is not the spot to whisper a secret and I write those words with a grin. I want this to be a candid place and a safe place all at the same time if possible. So, here are the questions:
1. In the course of your adult life, have you ever been painfully accused of something by another person (as opposed to being accused by Satan himself)? If your answer is yes, was the accusation a twisting/distorting of the facts or was it completely fabricated out of thin air? I’m looking into how often the most painful accusations are distortions or perversions of the truth (making them more believable and frustratingly less refutable) versus an outright lie with utterly no tie to the truth.
2. In the course of your adult life, have you ever accused someone else of something? If your answer is yes (and for most of us in a candid mood, it will be), did you turn out to be 100% right? (By all means, say so if you did. I’m just trying to look at the concept from several different perspectives.) Whether or not you were wrong, right, or partially right, do you have any regrets about making the accusation? If so, what are they and why?
3. In your opinion (and without the benefit of a dictionary), what is the difference between confrontation and accusation?
I am so grateful for your insight! You are welcome to leave your comment anonymously if you’d feel more comfortable answering candidly but, again, just make sure you don’t use someone’s name derogatorily or make his/her identity obvious in a negative light. You need not copy and paste the question you’ve chosen to answer but please do identify your response by number: 1, 2, or 3. Limit your answers to brief paragraphs because I’d really like to read as many as possible.
You are wonderful! Thank you so much! Pray for me as I continue to listen to God and see how He means for me to serve women in Bible study through this difficult topic. A heap of love to every single one of you!
2. I have accused too many times. It is very ugly on me. Sometimes i have been right. More often though, I have been wrong. Its the jealousy, anger, and bitterness at my own failures that have caused me to accuse.
3. Confrontation is facing an issue head on. Finding out if there is truth to whatever situation is at hand. Accusation is saying or thinking something has happened and believing it without finding out the truth.
1. I have been accused of deplorable things which I did not at all participate in. In the interest of transparency (which I hope helps you) there were very hurtful rumors spread about certain sexual behaviors which I did not do. However, considering my past (which does have a lot of brokenness in this area) the accusations were completely fabricated, but not unbelievable. In many ways, I was hurt but felt it was just punishment for actions which I did do. Over time, Jesus has healed me and has helped me forgive myself and not respond in anger or retaliate to such accusations. He, in His goodness, has restored my reputation and any such accusations now I’m sure would not be believed. Though, that was a very painful time in my life and it always hurts to be accused of things you didn’t do.
2. There has been a time where I did accuse someone of wrongdoing. They would not respond to confrontation, and I had to tell his significant other the truth about him. It turned out in the end to be a good thing for her, but it was hard to stick my neck out and say true things that a lot of people did not believe.
3. Confrontation and accusation can both be positive or negative. Generally, I think of confrontation as dealing directly with the offending party and accusation as sharing the offense with a third party. I do think before you accuse someone of something, you should confront them first. Both can be harmful though, and both have consequences.
1.Complete fabrication. This person had recollection of a conversation that never took place. Completely broke our relationship.
2. Unfortunately, I have more than once. Usually it ended up that I was missing information or misunderstood something. I completely regret it because I could have easily asked questions for clarification instead of jumping to accusation.
2. confrontation: done out of love and care for another person. accusation: usually done from a selfish heart or a deceitful unloving prideful heart.
I completely agree with your #3 answer! Simply put but speaks truth!
3. Confrontation, in the Biblical sense, brings growth. Confrontation (on either end) is never fun, but it is ultimately constructive. Confrontation cultivates a culture of honesty and vulnerability. Accusation does not bring growth. Accusation often stifles growth and creates distrust and animosity in relationships. Bottom line: Accusation shames us. Confrontation invites us into vulnerability, honest, truth, and love.
1. Many years ago my then close Christian friend and Bible Study leader accused me of being too confrontational. I was crushed because trust me when I say you can ask any of my friends and that is one of the last adjectives they would use to describe me. I should have talked it out with her but I didn’t. Years later I realized her behavior had to do with me leaving her group–we moved away and I found a new Bible Study group. So I really think it was totally fabricated on her part. We have since reconciled but I have to say I have guarded my heart.
Accused of being confrontational by a leader. Oh, how I can relate! I think confrontational is an adjective leaders use to describe someone under them that seems to threaten their authority/knowledge. And it’s funny you say that your close friends could never describe you as such. I usually don’t confront people, except for my own kids! I’m actually kind of a people-pleaser!
1. Yes! I have been accused of things which were fabrications with elements of truth. The accusations continued for several years and at times, I had to ask myself if it was true. Lying was my sin of choice and my attacker was fully aware how to hit me. The accusations were not true, but the hurt…well, it’s still a problem.
2. Sadly, my answer is yes. My poor husband was on the receiving end and it has been a source of great regret on my part and tremendous hurt for him. I was 100% WRONG! There were no facts. Just a plain old hormonal nightmare:-/
3. Confrontation is asking a direct question(s) based on fact or given information. Accusation is telling someone a wrong he/she has committed without benefit of discussion.
Oh, “Hormonal Nightmare”. I know that place well. You gave me a chuckle.
1. My very Christianity was questioned by a church member (I am on staff at a church) because she felt I was short with her when she asked me a question pertaining to her duties as a volunteer for another pastor. I was under a time crunch trying to do something last minute for the service that day, but I felt I was purposeful in making sure I was polite while letting her know I couldn’t help her at that moment. She wrote me a 4 page email calling me EVIL (yes in CAPS!) and questioned my salvation right down to credibility of my worship!
Long story short, I got some good counsel to not retaliate and not try to justify myself. I really wanted to, in fact even had the phone in my hand a couple times, but ultimately I literally threw up my hands in surrender and told God I REALLY wanted to do it His way and in the end the lady and I were able to talk and forgive each other and I learned yet another lesson of how much better God’s ways are than mine.
2. On the flip side, I have made many accusations in my life and I don’t think I have ever been right. It usually starts with a some small act that I read into and then build up in my mind and obsess over to the point that it is blown HUGELY out of proportion. When will I learn…?
3. I think confrontation, done correctly with the right spirit, seeks the truth. Accusation, on the other hand, automatically believes the worst and only seeks to vent.
Confrontation is a giving and receiving, hopefully, a meeting of the minds, eventually. I suppose it is also done in love. Accusation only wants to point the finger. Doesn’t want a resolution. Just wants to make you feel less.
1) Yes, distorted the truth. Took something and made it seem worse to make themselves look better in the eyes of someone else.
2) Yes~fortunately, did not confront the person about it..but they stood accused in my eyes and then I found out that it was NOT the situation that I was thinking at all.
I think the basis of both scenarios is INSECURITY!!!!! The person who distorted the truth acted out of insecurity and wanting to look better and then when I did it~ it was because I was feeling insecure and “thought” others were cohorting together against me which was untrue.
3) confrontation: facing a situation – up front
accusation: -done behind the back
Thanks Mama Beth for the reminder of not giving the evil one ANY foothold and how vulnerable I allow myself to be to his ways…keep my gaze toward the Author and Perfector of my faith Who will NEVER LIE and NEVER FORSAKE me! Blessings to you 🙂
#1…My husband and I are currently going through a tough time with my husband’s family. He 100% knows the truth, but we just received a letter from his daughter that states that she believes we are doing things behind her back, and that she thinks I am guilty of all of it. We are doing NOTHING behind her back, total falsehood, but someone else has told her differently I guess.
#3…How I would love the confrontation. That means to me that the parties involved sit down together, and the truth will come out. She is accusing me, but will not have anything to do with me, so I can set her straight on what has really happened. I feel like the scapegoat when others do not want to accept responsibility for their OWN actions. I certainly need prayer to remain calm & at peace during this time, but I know that God is here with me through everything!
1) Y: Some things said were completely fabricated out of thin air and downright meanness. Some truth was pulled out of context, totally twisted, and then distorted to make me out to b this pathetic moron of a vagabond. In the end, was informed that the false accusations could b omitted, but the damage had already been done, and declined to do so. The fact was those ugly vicious lies had to come from somewhere…as they well did. I’d love to b able to say that God did this beautiful number on me in the midst of all my tumult of shortcomings throughout this spiraling time, but the truth is it drove me further than further could ever drive me away.
2)Y: It’s sad 2 say, “Yes.” But there have been times when I have been 100% wrong 2, and with much godly sorrow have admitted it when possible.
Y: Some regrets. The blatant truth hurts; “Knowing” the truth can really hurt. True, while some “Accusations” can be used to solve mysteries, more than most, leave broken parts and ‘rarely’ – less you b another Joseph – bring any good or glory to God’s Name. God didn’t accuse Adam and Eve of eating from the tree of knowledge – even though He was/is God and already knew – but confronted them. Jesus never accused anyone. He was every bit of up close and personal–“Confrontational.” Confrontation is difficult for most people, including me. However, when done in the spirit of love, it can spare a lot of regret and grief (MHPO); “or,” it can bring the regrettable on, depending upon the individuals and the issue at hand.
3)”Confrontation” is when one approaches another face to face with a conflicting issue or matter.
“Accusation” is when one blames or accuses another, spite of not really knowing the truth; generally inept. To make a charge with fault or offense.
1. My mother, who is not a believer, has accused me numerous times in the “twisting/distorting of the facts” fashion. “Some Christian you are” was her pat accusation (i.e., you’re a lousy Christian) whenever we would have a fight from when I was a teenager onwards. It was often followed by, “Because of you, I will never become a Christian.” The worst was when I was in seminary. She was involved in an openly secret adulterous relationship, yet would accuse me of being judgmental and hypocritical with this favorite statement. I would drive to seminary wondering how I could even step foot on the campus, being such a hypocrite. It crushed my spirit. My father encouraged me to move out, which was the only way to escape. Wow! Just typing brings back the pain! I say this is the twisted type of accusation because I wasn’t the perfect kid, I did have fits of rage, and I certainly was quite hypocritical at times. This accusation has basically been diffused since I started preempting or responding, “Yes, I know I’m a lousy Christian” or something similar about my sinner status and then focusing on the actual issue of our argument.
2. I have definitely accused people — at the moment, it’s my neighbor here in Abu Dhabi who keeps parking in an obnoxious way that blocks the rest of us from parking. I am right, but the Lord has been nudging me that I’m not earning a reputation for exemplifying Jesus’ gospel of love and mercy, but for being an angry American who polices the parking! The lack of parking and huge fines certainly makes me feel justified in accusing this guy of selfishness — especially when friendly confrontation has failed. Our landlord wants to evict him, and this parking business would be the final straw. So, do I really want to stand before God and boast that I contributed to getting an unsaved sinner and his family evicted? Not really! Still, every time I see him parked selfishly, my sense of justice takes over my mind and my tongue.
3. Healthy confrontation attempts to resolve the grievance. It’s bilateral (bi-directional?) and ready to forgive. Accusation points in one direction, the accused, and seeks justice or judgment, rarely mercy. Certainly the latter has a more negative connotation.
1. Yes I have been accused of lying and in the past I did not always tell the “whole truth”….in fact I even had to stand up in church and ask forgiveness for a lie I told it was in fact a fabrication of the truth so I have no problem admitting my faults when I am wrong but shouldn’t everyone else be held to this same standard? Although it would come to pass that the “real Christians” in my church forgave me but the ones who didn’t and still don’t talk to me today leads me to the answer of question #2
#2 I had a best friend at school she was the big sister type and I would say she was my mentor I began helping to teach the women’s sunday school class with her. I learned a lot. However her first soon to be daughter in law didn’t have many friends at church so she asked me if I would include her in some activities without her knowing that she had asked me too. I did first because she was my mentor asking for help and I have always liked to include people in activities and to make people feel important, however the daughter in law started confiding in me and saying things that I didn’t like hearing. well after the marriage the daughter in law started to see me as a threat so to be so she started a huge fight between me and my mentor, I took the high road and didn’t say anything so my best friend took that as I was guilty of what her daughter in law had said because you have to remember I did tell a lie before….what would I gain by telling my friend that what her daughter in law said was a complete lie, and allow she had lied to them before she was now going to be giving them her first grandchild. So even though I have proof of things that were said on my private emails I have kept my mouth shut because I have paid for my mistakes and really no matter what I say to her and how much evidence I have it would only hurt that family. So I guess I could say I put on my big girl panties and took one for the team.
#3 I think that a accusation is us as fleshly people who accuse another person of something when we may not have the full truth “gossiping” about it is a form of accusing people I think because that is a good place to start with accusations. Confrontation is when you approach somebody about an accusation…” I heard…” that kind of stuff…a confrontation takes at least 2 parties the accuser and the defendant.
I was accused of not doing my job right. It was a total twisting of facts. The perpetrator’s goal was to get my job (and I thought we were great friends). I had been loyal to a fault to my bosses and my work for over 10 years. I quit the job (actually, I walked away from it, very out of character for me) and ended up working at my church. I’ve been at my church now for 14 years and love what I do. The woman who accused me did end up getting the job which eventually ended very badly for the bosses. Quite a testimony of the Lord turning to good what was meant for evil.
3. To me it is a difference of attitude and motives. When you confront someone you are trying to get all the facts and resolve the issue. If you accuse someone you just want them to “pay” for what they did.
I have really been trying to teach my two oldest about this (6&3) and how to resolve conflict in a healthy way since in my family the method is bury it deep and never let those feelings/issues ever see the light of day again. I really struggle with “stuffing” my feelings, and I’m trying so hard to make sure I don’t pass that on to the next generation!
1. Yes I have been accused and I agonized about how to change the situation, lost sleep. Then, and I would like to say through prayer, but I don’t remember relying on prayer, I realized I was wronged and there was nothing to do about it but wait. Not a very comfortable feeling.
2. I am sure I have accused many people of various things through my life, some rightly and some very wrongly. Fortunately now I do use prayer and quiet time to work through my accusations, to look at them in various scenarios, with a variety of responses. A big help in discerning the “log in my own eye” first.
I believe accusation can be done without actual contact with the person being accused– over the net,to a group of friends, in a FB note. An accusation often has no substantiation.
Confrontation involves direct communication with the accused — in person or personal emails or texts. Both sides are called to defend their facts.
Confrontation can lead to resolution. Accusation will only lead to hurt and confusion.
3. Accusation has a more negative connotation than confrontation for me. Accusation feels like it is being done to hurt someone else or make the accuser look/feel better than the accused. Confrontation is more teachable. It has a purpose beyond hurting someone. It is done in the hopes of helping the confronted do things differently. It has a similar connotation with rebuke for me. It is done out of the desire to help, not hurt. It doesn’t always feel that way and it isn’t always done that way, but it is more that anger and hurt.
#3 –
Confrontation should be (and those words are key) going to someone armed with speaking the truth in love to guide or correct a wrong or ungodly behavior or habit with the ultimate goal being that the person who is in the wrong responds appropriately and makes necessary adjustments so that they can be more Christlike and any broken relationship or fellowship can be restored.
Accusation could be going to someone caught up in ungodly behavior armed with selfish motives, possibly unkind words, and sometimes even “handpicked” scripture with the ultimate goal being that the person doing the accusing gets some sort of self-righteous satisfaction from being right, proving a point and the person being accused feels as though they’ve been beat over the head with a proverbial 2×4, possibly depleted of any power they might have felt they had to rise above the ungodly behavior in the first place.
Just the first thoughts that came to my head!
Blessings,
Dori
1. I was accused of something that would have been a possibility previously before giving my life to Jesus. Since this one came out of nowhere, and was an out and out lie, (this person did not know me before Jesus, so had no basis for this accusation as even a possibility based on history). Simply, I was not a faithful person before Jesus. After Jesus, I have gone out of my way to be HUGELY careful about accountability so that there would not even be a HINT of impropriety.
So, when this came out of left field, unfortunately, I did not act correctly in response. I did not forgive. I lashed out and got this coworker in trouble with our boss for harassment. It took me a year to apologize and ask forgiveness.
I responded out of old guilt and listened to the enemy telling me that I was still the same person. It was plain old awful. The whole situation.
Today, I BELIEVE that I am forgiven and made clean, and know that I would not lash out that way again.
3. A confrontation is based on wanting to help. Accusations are meant to hurt.
1.) I was told that I was not a good mom because I didn’t keep a very clean house. That felt like an accusation to me. While it is true that I do not keep my house as clean as the person who said this to me keeps her house, I know that I have never been very good at deep cleaning so it wounded me very deeply. This happened very many years ago and I still wrestle with the idea that I am not a good mom because I am not a good cleaner. (And now I think I need to pray a prayer of forgiveness. Again.)
2.) In the heat of arguments, I have accused my husband of things (“you are so ___!”) which I completely regret. Even if he was so ___, that sure isn’t a loving way to let him know how I feel.
3.) To me, confrontation is done with the other person’s best interest in mind, it is (usually) done with love, or at the very least loving intentions. Confrontation is not always easy to do because you are concerned about the other person’s feelings. (Truth with grace in love.) You need the Holy Spirit’s help to confront a person who needs to be confronted. Accusation is done without the other person’s best interest in mind. It is not done with loving intentions. The intent of an accusation is to hurt and harm. It is much too easy to do. It is done in the flesh. God confronts us in our sin, Satan accuses us in our sin.
#3 My definitions:
Confrontation – seeking to find out the truth from the person I think is responsible regarding something, going to them about it, usually makes me very nervous and humble to do so.
Accusation – blaming someone regardless of the truth, I usually don’t go to the person, but tell someone or myself it is them without knowing the truth. Puffs me up, then I feel conviction for blaming them.
1. Yes. I have been accused of being unfaithful. Complete fabrication.
3. Confrontation is done face to face. Accusation can be done behind someone’s back without their knowing.
1. Yes,twisting and distorting of the facts and at times fabrication based on a narcissistic twist to justify his self destructive and inappropriate behaviors. Denial overlaying all the accusations.
If I had not been “awoken” to the 41 years of twisted accusations which I “enabled” out of my own issues I would still be “in the dark”.
I now have a chance to heal due to our Lord’s grace, however Painful and humbling to say the least.
2. Yes, many times- my track record is 20-100I always regret making accusations rather than confronting when I am personally offended and I am usually offended when I am making accusations.
3. I am trying to learn how to confront when appropriate rather than accuse based on my personal and often incorrect “judgment”. Part of of my process is my desire to give God all my judgments whether accurate or inaccurate and release these accusations to him, confronting when appropriate- knowing that resolution many not happen even when confronting coupled with forgiveness and release should be the outcome.
Beth, is thank you for this exercise. I am in the middle of recovering and grieving from great deceit and betrayal which I did not address in a healthy manner over the decades. How to heal and become healthy through the grace of God is a complicated process which effects my entire family and life style.
Oh, Sisters, you have had me pinned to my computer screen. Absolutely mesmerized. I’ve gone through each one. You are such a tremendous resource to me that I am at a loss for words to thank you. You have invested true spiritual riches in this concept and in my research. My mind is spinning and I am definitely seeing some fresh revelation surface through your input. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I dearly love you.
Humbled that you would trust us enough to ask! Praying circles around you and Living Proof!
Blessings,
Dori
1. I have two examples. The first was once when my grandmother accused me of stealing a large amount of money from my brothers desk. I had been in trouble for stealing several years before, but had repented, changed and moved on. It hurt me deeply. I was at her house mowing her yard. She paid me to do this, but this day I left the money on the counter and left her house without saying a word. The next day she called me to apologize because my brother had come home and told her he had stopped by earlier and got the money. So it wasn’t a distortion of facts or a fabricated accusation, but it was more of a not letting me move past my mistakes. The second was a time my husband asked me if I was having an affair simply because I had been quiet for a few days. His previous wife (many years ago) had an affair and now I was being accused of her mistakes.
2. I accused my teen-age daughters on numerous occassions. Though at the time I could not prove I was right, time eventully did prove it. It would be about friends, activities, lies, etc. The biggest mistake I’ve made though has been accusing people silently. For example, assuming I knew what their response would be and thus not giving them a chance in a particular situation. Later I learned they would have handled the situation in a much better way than I thought they would have.
3. I believe a confrontation comes with facts, with proofs. Where an accusation is more of an assumption.
1. As a Youth Sunday School teacher, I was once accused of being jealous of a student (a young woman with vibrant red hair, a strong-will, and ADHD). I was shocked and hurt, but God called me to teach these young girls, so I knew I had done the right thing. She knew her daughter; everybody at church knew her daughter. She also knew the truth; she was just unable to admit she wasn’t in control of her child. (My first introduction to this student came from the result of a full-out body tackle on my 10 month-old toddling infant.) From my personal emotional maturity and spiritual growth, I was finally able to see that her ‘worldly’ response taught me how to have a godly response. It became a great life lesson, largely facilitated by your tutelage. I thank God for the lesson learned and your guidance, Beth.
2. I was way too introverted my first 45 years to accuse anyone of anything . . . ever. Now, I don’t choose to accuse, but I sometimes confront unacceptable behavior.
3. Totally different things. To accuse is to blame someone; to confront is to hold someone accountable.
NO. 1 YES!!! It came from a very close member of my immediate family. It was an accusation of the twisting/distorting of the facts, needless to say I have been devastated by this, but she will not address it at all. Sometimes I believe all the accusations myself even tho I know in my heart they are not true.
NO.2 YES!!! When I confronted them it was in a harsh manner albeit was the truth as it came out later, that I was “right” but no pleasure in being right in this case. I did apologize and asked forgiveness for the harsh
attitude I confronted them with.
NO. 3a. I think when you accuse some one of something you usually do not have all the facts, but you want to make yourself feel better so you say things that are half truths.
NO. 3b. Confrontation to me is when you go to someone with an attitude of God’s lovingkindness and you both present your preception of the situation and have a heart to pray with each other. God can be right there with only two people present.
2. I think I accused and confronted at the same time. After a couple of back to back incidences, I accused my then 16 year old nephew with his mother present of setting up or prepping my then 5 year old daughter for sexual abuse. Obviously that was denied and did not go over well. It also created a rift in the family and my family could not believe we would accuse such a thing. As someone who had walked that road of sexual abuse myself, I knew something was not right by those back to back situations. Though I was throwing out an accusation, I also tried handing out a life line by telling him, that we needed to know if he had a problem so we could get him help. I tend to wonder if he didn’t go through an abuse himself. Several years later, my husband and I were told that our nephew, who lives a distance away was brought up on charges, a few years ago. We were not to know about it, but a family member finally told us a few months ago.
I feel that I accused him because I had no clear facts toward this, only a couple of questionable situations that drew me to the conclusion. I also think of it as a confrontation because I went straight to him, but had to have his mother present due to the nature of the issue. I wasn’t mean, but was quite serious and direct. Either way, it didn’t turn out well. Usually the one being confronted is thought of as walking away feeling bad and hurt. In this case, I ended up being shamed and hurt by my entire family.
The only regret is all for the sake of not embarrassing the family, this teenager didn’t get the help/counseling he needed.
Beth, not sure if this is what you were looking for, but thought it would give you a little bit of a twist or different look.
3. Accusation is generally made by hearsay or assumption and may or may not factual. Confrontation is my least favorite word in the English language. It does mean that you deal with an issue face to face. It may be resolved or not but the issue is out in the open.
WOW BETH! This little talk is what has been stirring in my heart for over a year. I am in a ministry where an accusation was made by a parent (non-believer) for her daughter. I work with at risk youth so of course at time ministry can get messy, but this really got to me. I was on my knees, repentance and more over reflecting on truth. I believe God uses all things for our good…and He did indeed use it. I have done all I can to repent to the person, the parent, and forgiveness of myself. I don’t think I did anything wrong. But, in ministry, when something happens, I take the “I am always at fault and say I am sorry” way. I struggle with it still. As another girl (best friend of the one I had the issue with) will not communicate either. I believe accusation is when someone will not receive full forgiveness when telling a truth. Even when someone says they forgive you, but won’t communicate is not forgiveness. Telling a truth you experience the REAL love from the person. I pray God will bring me more peace about this but it helps to see others dealing with it too. God is a God of healing and redemption! I rest in that truth! Thank you.
1. Yes, I’ve been accused and it was a distortion if the truth. A truth that was really me doing a good thing, but it was misunderstood by others who did not benefit from it.
2. I’ve accused people of more emotional things than actual acts. I was usually 100% wrong and definitely regret the accusations. I regret them because it negatively affected my relationships and showed my distrust in them.
3. Confrontation is addressing an issue with the appropriate person, asking questions about the situation. An accusation is assuming I already know the answer and not bothering to even ask.
1) Yes – A co-worker and sister-in-Christ told me something about her personal life over lunch and asked me to keep it confidential, which I DID. A few months later she accused me of gossiping about what she had told me with other co-workers. I knew for a FACT I did NOT do that. (I think she probably said something to someone else in the office and forgot she told them.) I’m not one for office gossip anyway, and prefer to know nothing, so for me, that would have been out of character. I asked her several times over the next YEARS to go to lunch, but she never would go. She became fairly hostile. It really hurt me, but I knew that God was aware of the truth and that there was nothing I was going to be able to say that would change her mind. It still hurts when I think about it today, although I no longer live or work near her.
2) Accusations? Of course! As a Mom, I think I got a few things very wrong based on my own background and choices. Always embarrassing to when you have to tell your teenager, “Ummmm…. Sorry! You were right!”
3)Confrontation vs Accusation – The difference is the TRUTH and the spirit with which the message is delivered and intended. When I confront someone, I’m usually nervous and praying and hoping they will hear my heart and that I’ll use the right words and that the relationship will not be damaged. If I’m accusing, I’m probably not worried about anything except getting my point across and being right!
See you in Tulsa, Beth!
1.Yes…she was correct. Painful for me to see the truth. However God used it to change my life for the best.
2. Yes, and I was right…but being right isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! It nearly cost a family relationship. actually it did, in that my brother and I are not close. Nor did it change the outcome of the situation. Hopefully a lesson learned for me.
Toughest aspect of that situation was trying to understand the different perspectives we each came from. Mind boggling… to recognize we were canyons apart in our perspectives.
3. Confrontation done w/a loving attitude and correct heart motive, seems to bring out the best in the situation. For me it usually has to do with a behavior that needs to be adjusted.
Accusation has a negative connotation to me…it’s like in anger, one is hurling words at another and not interested in reconciliation. It makes me think of putting on my boxing gloves and going to the ropes with my words. Much more emotion involved w/ accusation.
1. Yes. By a roommate of mine to look better and more “holy” in the eyes of a more mature Christian friend. This was a few years ago and still has me in a stronghold sometimes when I am at my weakest.
2. Yes. It was true but I should have handled it by myself instead of resulting in the situation that it did. I hate confrontation especially with volatile people and I just didn’t think I was string enough to handle it. Now I know better and should have had more confidence as well as compassion for that person.
3. I feel as though confrontation is an action verb while accusation reaks of passivity. Confrontation done with Godly intentions is powerful and frees all parties from the Satan’s strongholds of anger and insecurity. At this point in my walk I almost feel like accusation isn’t necessary anymore. If I am to truly love others and myself things need to be addressed and then a way forward will present itself with God’s will written all over it.
1. I have been accused and the accusation was definitely a distortion of the truth, which made it harder to combat.
2. Absolutely. Often times there were
More details to the story than I had, making he accusation not entirely true. However, I don’t regret it because those details needed to be brought to light. I do regret the manner in which I did it, though. I didn’t give as much grace or love as they deserved.
3. Confronting someone seems more biblical and more tactful than an accusation in my mind. An accusation may be done out of emotion – hurt or anger – but a confrontation, though they sometimes end up being emotionally charged with upset people, is something planned and maybe prayed about – something mulled over and thought through. An accusation is just pointing a finger.
Yes! I was accused of an inappropriate relationship with a leader in our church and it was not AT ALL like that. Very painful to hear that through the grapevine.
I’d say the difference in confrontation and accusation is confrontation is meant to help and accusation is meant to hurt.
1. I was waiting in line for an event when a lady accused me of cheating, cutting in line, lying, and not being a Christian. She spread this around without speaking to me first. Others believed her and joined in. The Christian speaker shared, during the event, that we sometimes take the hand of the devil and attack other Christians. During a break, one of the ladies that had jumped in with the accusers sought me out, asked for forgiveness, and asked the details of the situation. I was able to explain the truth: I had stepped away for a moment to help someone that did not speak English. The women saving my place did not speak English either!
2. This was so very painful to me that I have been careful to first speak privately to someone that appears wrong, try not to judge their spiritual maturity based on one minute of their life, and to have compassion on those that act like “mean girls”, asking God to show me how to pray for them. I was really bad at these steps prior to this experience.
2.I couldn’t think of anyone I’d outright accused, until I thought through my answer to #3. It happens much more frequently than I care to admit. I use my own “wisdom” to make a judgement on why someone did or didn’t do something and don’t just go and ask them. I have grown in this, but I see I have a ways to go. As for whether I’m right–sometimes, but I think the regrets outweigh my desire to be right in this. Too many times my personal accusations against others, spoken only in my head or with my husband, haunt me later and cause me to have less than loving feelings toward the accused. EVEN if they were in the right, because I’ve already painted them as such in my mind.
3. “Accuse” to me is saying something about another person, but not so much to them. Although we definitely can accuse someone face to face, I think we mostly don’t because we don’t like confrontation. “Confrontation” to me is going up to the person you have an issue with and speaking to them about it (hopefully with the goal of each of you being more like Christ after the meeting). I think we accuse people of things daily–being lazy, not doing or doing ____, being or not being _____–just through conversation with others. I know I’m guilty of it. We see a situation from our vantage point and say, “You know what, it looks like so’n’so is __________.” We may not necessarily be stating it as a fact, but by voicing it we throw it out as a possibility, which can easily spread doubt and distrust about a person, even if it is later proved false. Those little accusations (even if proved false) can even cause the one who says them to second-guess the person in the future. I hope that makes sense.
1. yes, it was a twisting trying to make it my fault.
2.yes, I was right, I regret that I got so angry
3.confrontation is going to a person and talking over the problem,laying out the facts as you precept it and then listening to their perception it is a conversation. Accusation,is more an argument which usually turns into a screaming match, ending in tears more it is a personal attack
1. Yes. Both. Any attack is ultimately from satan.
2. Yes. Yes and no. I do have regrets in both instances. I made myself judge of things that weren’t mine to judge, whether right or wrong. A better way would have been to pray for that person and myself and leave the issue(s) in God’s hands.
3. A confrontation, if done in love, can be a positive, healing event. An accusation puts me in a judgmental state and I am not to judge, God is.
Oh Barb, #2. Amen. I learned this one the hard way as well Sister.
1. First thing that comes to mind is that my husband was accused of being an anti-semite of all things. It turned out to be a crazy misunderstanding/was not based on any fact whatsoever…it took 2 years for the person to fess up to why they’d been distant but ever-so-thankful they finally did and we got it all straightened out!
2. I’m quite sure I have accused someone of something somewhere but nothing coming to me at the moment… 🙂
3. Confrontation: approaching someone with a concern about something they are doing that you perceive as not right and attempting to deal with the issue (in love of course if we’re giving a xian definition;)
Accusation: pointing a finger at someone for something you think they did wrong but not necessarily based in reality or based on something that actually happened
1) yes, I have been accused or blamed of being the reason a certain someone was not behaving as the person once was and being the reason the person was now setting boundaries in their life. The reality is the person has made those decisions for themself as a result of growing in the Lord. I have been painfully accused of this and it has been a growing experience for me to realize I can do nothing about what the accusers think or believe, only God can, if they are willing to go to him for truth.
2) Yes, I know I have in my past. Can not recall any particular situation right now but certainly do not want to operate in that again.
3) Confrontation is attempting to talk with someone about something that is not right in their behavior/actions or in your relationship w/ that person in order to bring clarity, understanding, and insight. Accusation is a made-up mind that someone is guilty of something without getting all the facts or attempting to “hear” their position.
1) Entire town accused me of breaking up my BFF’s marriage and that she left him for me and we didn’t even leave him a bed to sleep in. (That really helps when you’re in Ministry)
2) Accused my sister of trying to get a cell phone in MY name by using me SS# after her’s got turned off. Turned out to have actually been myself trying to help my niece. So glad I did NOT accuse her to her face since I was wrong… But told others and had to back track.
3) Confront is when you KNOW exactly what happened and you talk to the person about it. Accuse is much like ASSUME… It makes an ASS of U and ME!!! You make a negative conatation over something that you have heard.
.3
accusations – a verbal hurl, not factual, rumours, in space, facebook, repeated, get twisted with from lip to ear. They grow and multiply.
confrontation -( a birth from accusations) a show down someone confronts you with accusation. Want to hear what you’ll say to accusations. Or throw the accusation in your face to see your reaction. (no guns involved, i live in canada…donuts might be involved).
2. Many years ago I served on the Personnel Committee of a former church and an incident arose concerning a Staff Member. The accusation was correct and I am pleased with the way we handled the matter, however, the entire ordeal was unsettling and to this day I regret that I was involved in the matter. It created a negative outlook in my heart that I spent many, many years on my knees before the Lord to drive out! Being “right” does not make involvement in dirty issues any more noble or easier:)
3. I think of confrontation as discussing a problem with someone, whereas accusation would be more “finger-pointing”?
1)Twice, one was someone twisting the facts that someone in leadership had made, and then that person (also in authority) refused to allow me to speak to the original commenter to get to the truth. It was agonizing and I ended up having to lay it at the Lord’s feet because the truth was never welcomed into it by the middle person, who decided they were right and that was it. The other time was a family member who accused me of something out of thin air (based on other family members behaviors but having nothing to do with me). That time I was able to go directly to the family members in question to clear the air and it turns out they never took the offense that the first person accused me of anyway.
3) Confrontation should be speaking truth and bringing light to a situation. While we tend to think of it as a negative, aggressive thing; it doesn’t have to be. It can be done so gently, with words carefully chosen so that the other person feels like they are clearing up your confusion and are helping you…and not that they are being blamed or accused. Accusation is to ascribe a fault or crime directly to an individual. Like Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the candlestick. You are speaking as if it were fact-based, and it could be considered slander if you are not speaking the truth.
Being on a church staff, one would hope this would not happen but it does. A volunteer did not agree with a decision I made and instead of getting the truth by telling me how she disagreed – and I could have explained my reasoning – she dumped her accusations all over another church department. It was totally unfounded lies and I unfortunately was within her unknowing earshot. I was so stunned because it was so ugly and personal, I couldn’t even respond. Went back to my office and cried my eyes out. What she wanted me to do was illegal but she had justified it in her mind. It was a case where she wanted to impress others in her own insecurity at my expense. Sr staff handled the matter but my relationship will never be the same. Trust was shattered.
1. Of course I have been accused; as an ex wife and a classroom teacher, and a sibling. I can honestly say that @ 90% of the time, the accusations were insidious amplifications of a small truth. That absolutely frustrated me to no end, until I realized that The One Who matters knows the TRUTH!
2. Yes, I have. Accusations have always ended in regret to some degree. See #3!
3. A confrontation can be done in love, with respect, and certainly with good intentions. Accusations are devoid of love, respect, and are rarely well-motivated.
I am 62 and in a very loving, respectful marriage that has no room for accusations. Confrontations are occasionally needed, but well prayed over first.
Love,
Fran
1. OK, well I’ll answer the first one, because it just shouted to me……Yes, in my adult life, although over 30 years ago, I was accused by a co-worker of starting a rumor. This accusation came in a team-building retreat, in front of the rest of the staff. It was one of the most painful things in my life and still hurts my heart when I think about it. I was flabbergasted, having no idea what this woman was talking about. Although she said that everyone was talking about this “rumor”, I had never heard anything of the sort. She eventually told me more specifics (although I don’t remember if this was still in the group setting) and I began to realize that a totally innocent comment I made to a different co-worker weeks before, somehow was blown into something I didn’t say, something I hadn’t even thought about…..but my explanation fell on deaf ears. The public accusation had done the damage and I was mortified….even though it was a huge distortion of the facts. I tried unsuccessfully to remember my exact words to see what I had said that led to the distortion/twisting of facts, figuring I must have been in the wrong somehow. I left that job shortly after because I couldn’t bear to have people I worked with thinking bad of me….although I did have my supporters. It was too painful to stay.
2. I’d say due to what happened above, I cannot recall ever accusing anyone …. other than maybe in my head, or in private with my husband. I would hate to inflict that kind of pain.
3. the difference between confrontation and accusation is attitude.
1. yes, I was accused of some sexual behaviour by my fiance (no longer fiance and didn’t marry him). Because of his sexual behaviour towards me, I attempted to break the relationship off. He said he would ruin my reputation. I remember telling him that the people he would tell were friends of mine too and would ask for my side of the story before they passed judgement on me. However, I was more optimistic of them than they were of me because they all believed his lies and not one asked for my side of the story. Since it was a small church, and he had family at the church, I decided that the right thing for me to do woulld be to not ruin his reputation with his family. Either right or wrong I don’t know but I do know that to this day…some 30 years later…those people still believe the lie. It’s hurtful and I would love to bust out with the truth. He’s married and has children and what would it profit other than for me to receive some justification. Ultimately, he answers to God.