Hey, Dear Sisters! Well, surely after all these years I don’t have to tell you that you are my go-to group and all-time favorite resource for surveys or insights into various Scriptural concepts. God started pressing a topic on my heart about a week and a half ago out of the blue during my quiet time and, since then, I have been all over both Testaments searching every spot where it rears up its head. Now I’d love to add some layers of examples and insights from life experience on top of it. The topic is accusation and it ultimately centers on the enemy as our accuser but I feel like God is leading me to gain some understanding of ways it weaves itself into our human relationships.
If you’d like to help wrap some human skin around an anatomy of accusation, so to speak, I would love to hear your responses to any or all of the 3 questions below. Your really honest answers would help me so much. At the same time, please don’t share anything that would be injurious to another person or that you’d mind being read in the newspaper of a small town because that’s roughly the population of readers we have on this blog. This is not the spot to whisper a secret and I write those words with a grin. I want this to be a candid place and a safe place all at the same time if possible. So, here are the questions:
1. In the course of your adult life, have you ever been painfully accused of something by another person (as opposed to being accused by Satan himself)? If your answer is yes, was the accusation a twisting/distorting of the facts or was it completely fabricated out of thin air? I’m looking into how often the most painful accusations are distortions or perversions of the truth (making them more believable and frustratingly less refutable) versus an outright lie with utterly no tie to the truth.
2. In the course of your adult life, have you ever accused someone else of something? If your answer is yes (and for most of us in a candid mood, it will be), did you turn out to be 100% right? (By all means, say so if you did. I’m just trying to look at the concept from several different perspectives.) Whether or not you were wrong, right, or partially right, do you have any regrets about making the accusation? If so, what are they and why?
3. In your opinion (and without the benefit of a dictionary), what is the difference between confrontation and accusation?
I am so grateful for your insight! You are welcome to leave your comment anonymously if you’d feel more comfortable answering candidly but, again, just make sure you don’t use someone’s name derogatorily or make his/her identity obvious in a negative light. You need not copy and paste the question you’ve chosen to answer but please do identify your response by number: 1, 2, or 3. Limit your answers to brief paragraphs because I’d really like to read as many as possible.
You are wonderful! Thank you so much! Pray for me as I continue to listen to God and see how He means for me to serve women in Bible study through this difficult topic. A heap of love to every single one of you!
1. Yes, it was a bit distorted.
2. Yes, a few times. Sometimes I was right other times I was completely wrong
3. Confrontation is USUALLY (not always) done with a level head dealing with something the person confronting has facts about or witnessed. Accusation is usually emotional based and grace is lacking.
After reading through all these beautiful comments, have taken some special time 2day.
Would y allow me 2 post an updated edited version of an earlier post pls? If not, I humbly understand. (After prayer, meditating, long conversations w/God about any pride issues
(After prayer, meditating, long conversations w/God about any pride issues
Topic#1
Having dealt with someone accusing me at work as recently as today, I think this question comes right on time! I believe what led the other person to make the accusations stemmed from lack of understanding of the situation as well as not knowing what my responsibilities are as required of my job. Lack of understanding, facts, and knowledge gives a twisted form of truth, or our version of the truth. I’m not angry at the accuser, but I wish she had taken to time to ask questions or search for more information before making her accusations.
1. It was so minor, but it sticks with me. I was storing some items, including some outdoor chairs, for a friend at our home. During that time, I posted that I had some outdoor chairs to give away to a good home. Absolutely different outdoor chairs. The sister of my friend (who I had met once) sent me one of the nastiest emails accusing me of theft and threatened to report me to the police – it was just so over the top and shocking. I forwarded it to my friend and she was deeply hurt by her sister’s general viciousness. There was no good way to resolve the situation so I just let it slip away.
2. My spouse would dearly love for me to acknowledge my willingness to jump to conclusions and bring things up in a less than charitable manner. Huh, I wasn’t expecting that little public confession to hit me so hard in the middle of my chest. I could spend some tears this evening.
3. I’m blunter than I need to be – it is all out there, all the time. But if I am confronting you, it means I am looking for a positive solution for us both. If I am accusing you, I am looking for a boost for me.
One of the things I tell my children all the time, “Don’t say something to make someone else feel worse so that you can feel better.” That pretty much defines accusation for me.
1. Yes. I was accused of and brought before several of our pastoral staff (because I hold a couple of leadership positions in our church) to defend myself. The accusation was that I was going around town bad mouthing the church & the pastoral staff. I had said some things that were twisted, but by no means came close to supporting the claim. So, in my case, my words were twisted in attempt to support an out and out lie.
2.Yes, I have accused. And yes, I’m almost always right in my perception and when I’m not totally right there is some right found in it.
3. The difference between confrontation and accusation: confrontation is the Biblical going to a fellow brother in love to point out an area of sin or potential sin. Accusation most often is the opposite…finding joy in pointing out sin to cause an issue. In my case, she was trying to get me out of my leadership role because I would not agree with her in the way she was handling some situations.
#2 Tanya — Accusation of others has been majorly a heart issue for me that I try real hard to keep that way. But it sneaks out and no one is ever the better for it really.
I find that accusation of another is a great way for me to justify something in myself that needs no justification unless its that of the Lord.
#3 Tanya — Accusation is unvalidated and damaging whereas confrontation is validated and beneficial.
1. Yes. It was a believable twisting. It made me really mad but fortunately i had friends there to remind me of what I had just done a talk on – yikes!! 😉 I ran and told Jesus and then w a quick prayer confronted the person making sure she understood the truth. It worked out fine and even though her response wasn’t great, I was able to lay it at the foot of the cross and chalk it up to jealousy.
2. Yes. Usually w family. It isn’t a twisting – usually just a miss understanding and we are able to work things out quickly.
3.confront – to lovingly and biblically address or sort out a problem or misunderstanding.
Accuse- pointing out wrongs or perceived wrong doing in a harsh or mean way by a wounded person.
Blessings Beth!!
Love, Kimberly
3) In my opinion, a confrontation presents perceived facts, feelings, assumptions, etc., then leaves room for the other party’s explanation. An accusation is more affrontive because the presenting party has already made up their mind and comes to the table with a sour and condescending attitude – setting a negative tone and not leaving room for resolution.
1. In my life, I have been accused of things many times by people I cared about and ones I didn’t even know . There was no truth behind the lie and it was a big fabrication. They make up assumptions in my opinion but as it is said there is always two sides to a story and no one ever heard mine. It hurts to be accused of lies, but the world is a dangerous place and Jesus is the only one to turn to and pray for the accusers.
2. I have accused people before, a few times I can honestly admit I was right but I’m sure we all have had a time where we accused and were wrong. I always admitted when I was the bad guy and felt horrible.
3. Accusation I believe is talk from the devil, it only leads into bad and can hurt people and relationships where as confrontation that speaks courage and love.
3.
3. Confrontation to me is done more in love as a way to address an issue. I feel like scripture talks about going to our brother/sister in love and confronting them about their sin as a way to bring them back to repentance. Confrontation may be difficult for both parties, but it is a necessary tool for reconciliation of relationship/issue.
Accusation to me feels one sided. It may end in a way of love, but the original intent is to bring Justice/Truth to a messed up situation. Accusation is brought against someone in order for the accuser to get justice or accusation is brought against someone falsely to selfishly gain/steal.
I have been accused and there were facts and fiction mixed in together. It wasn’t the accusations as much as those I considered friends did not support and stick by me in the first instance. In the second, there was one who did, and she saved my job. Eventually, the girl who tried to get me fired was sending me Mother’s Day cards! God used the situation and I don’t regret having been hurt so terribly. As for accusing, I have done that in my heart and behind people’s backs but I am not one to confront, so I don’t accuse openly. I am always wrong to assume facts not in evidence. Just because something looks bad does not mean it is bad and I have no right. Confrontation is face to face, accusation can be that or it can be like mine, I think. Sometimes I allow the devil to accuse me and make me miserable until I decide to put a stop to it.
3) What quickly comes to my mind is motive. Confrontation is about bringing something into the light for examination and discussion, though usually it is something the other person will not be eager to discuss. The other person’s opinion is a valuable part of a confrontation. The motive is to get answers and possibly come to a mutual agreement. With accusation, the accuser already has a formed opinion and merely wants to reprimand the accused, assign blame. The accuser is usually not open to hearing the accused’s point of view.
1. After speaking at a women’s gathering I was pulled aside by the pastor first and then his wife and was confronted with an accusation of what they thought I meant, and how the wife interpreted what she thought I said and meant. I apologized for what they thought I had said and meant but to no avail. They did not believe me. We had served there for many years in harmony. It ultimately severed our relationship and led us to separate ourselves.
OHHHH!!!! Beth!
Have I got one for you!!
1. YES!!! YES!! I was once falsely accused in a court of law for taking advantage of a vulnerable adult and for several months had a class C felony hanging over my head which happened as a result of a lawyer lying to the judge! I was unable to speak to my father again as he died before the case was dropped! It was a result of my sister plotting to take my share of Dad’s estate away from me and succeeding. She was in a rage becuz Dad allowed me afew personal items from his house! I just never could understand how this could happen when I never had a cross word with them. The judge slapped this on me even though I told the judge the lawyer for my sister was in effect lying! She was the one doing it but I had no way to clear myself and was even jailed over night!!
3. Confrontation to me means a frontal exchange of words or thoughts. It always is head to head where accusation can be a subtle act or done in the company of more than one person. Accusation never clears up a problem where as confrontation can and alot of times will.
I hope this is helpful to you!
Hope you enjoyed the few days you had of down time!
Love Ya,
Betty M
1- Being both teenager I haven’t really accused very many people, although I have seen its effects. Typically it is presented first in the form of a confrontation that goes south. The confronter then turns the issue into fossip which turns whole groups if people against that person. In the church, unfortunately, is done theoigh prayer concerns. An ugly thing. I’ve alse seen accusation in the form of just straight up gossip. It gives you a deep understanding of why gossip is not in the believers lifestyle.
2- I have both accused and confronted before. I am not one to seek out fights. So I was correct in every situation. It just took people time to see that. There for a while it did drive a deep wedge in our relationship, one that hasn’t quite healed fully.
3- I would define “confrontation” as something done out of love and concern. You are simply trying to bring a harmful habit, action, relationship, or attitude to light as a sister I’m Christ. “Accusation” to me typically means something hostile or hateful. Something that is meant too harm and hurt. It typically include gossip, and it is especially ugly in the church.
I’m a real woman choosing to answer anonymously here, because I think the details are important to note, while at the same time I don’t want my gravatar to show up 🙂
1. My husband had been pastoring this particular small-town church for two years. We were happy, we had friends, things were moving along, and we started looking at homes to purchase so we could settle there and build equity (which we could not do with a parsonage).
One Sunday afternoon, our chairman of deacon’s wife, whom I considered a very good friend, accused my oldest daughter, all of 3 years old, of bullying her daughter of the same age. The argument quickly escalated into her accusing me of many other things, none of which I had done. It turned ugly. She got all of her friends on her side, against me and against my husband–the pastor of the church. Life turned miserable very quickly after that, especially since her husband, the chairman of deacons and a man of position in this small town, also began gossip about my husband.
Most of her accusations were outright, blatant lies–and yet,a few were misunderstandings that she didn’t clear up with me when they were minor, and then they became a huge deal all mixed up with the lies and fabrications. That was what made things so hard to refute. Yes, I had made some mistakes, and yes, I got angry with her on the phone and yelled back at her when she yelled at me. But mostly I felt ganged up on, lied about, and gossiped about. We left that church nine months later and I literally shook the dust from my feet before getting into my car to drive away.
3. To me, confrontation is not as bad as accusation. Accusation connotes finger-pointing, I’m-right-and-you’re-wrong. Confrontation connotes that there can be at least a resolution even if someone tells another something that person doesn’t want to hear.
1. I was falsely accused of abusing a baby in our church’s 1-yr-old nursery. I was crushed. How could anyone think I could be mean to a baby! And I was not confronted by this young father, I was asked about it by the nursery worker in charge. My hurt lasted a long time. Even now, 8 or 9 years later, I am uncomfortable around that family. (Interestingly, this past year I was in small group Bible study with the mom, and I was delighted by her open spirit, joyful attitude, and acceptance of me. Perhaps she doesn’t recall the incident, or hopefully came to a different conclusion about who I am.)
2. If I believe someone has done something wrong, I tend to think long and hard about confrontation. I don’t accuse lightly, in part because of the above event, and because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have also seen first-hand the devastation false accusations can bring to a person’s life. My brother was accused of some nasty things by a few church members and now he’s out of a job AND a career as a pastor. While I ache for him, God is turning it into good, leading him into new paths he might never have explored as he seeks to win his community to Christ.
3. Accusation – to believe someone has done a wrong.
Confrontation – to tell them about it. Can be positive or negative, depending on the circumstances and delivery.
Love you Beth!!
1. I was accused of inappropriately touching a male employee that I supervised as he was being let go by my supervisor. The accusation was leveled but not explained until a meeting with all three of us and and HR. While I had been told in advance that there was a specific incident, as I racked my brain but was at a complete loss for any situation that could have remotely been misconstrued. The situation felt out of control and made me doubt my own actions. While sitting in the meeting, the employee, prior to relating the incident, claimed that I was being disingenuous when I claimed not to remember. He then began to relate a story in which he and I had handled a personnel issue with another employee, and at the conclusion of the meeting I had put my hand on his forearm and said something to the effect of “it will be OK.” He proceeded to tell the HR representative that she had been standing beside me during the entire encounter. I was completely vindicated, as all involved recognized the absurdity. While there was truth in account, malicious intent was not present. The twisting of the events and casting blame where there was none created a environment that threatened me and frustratingly, made me doubt myself.
3. Confrontation intimates the active engagement of two parties, with the possibility of being able to argue or present both sides, with a possible point of resolution. Confrontation is initiated be a “wronged” individual and takes courage and perseverance. Accusation is a more passive concept, that conveys the ability to hurl either true or false claims, from a protected position. Frequently accusation leads to guilt in the judgement by others, even without the presence of evidence or supporting fact.
#2 I was awakened by the phone in the middle of the night. Used to such things from a needy friend, I’d leave the receiver near my ear and doze off. This call soon woke me up. It was a male and a sex call. I thought I recognized the voice as someone from work, and said his name. He agreed.
I reported him to HR. He denied it angrily. When the HR head told me he’d written him up “because I know you and I don’t know him,” I felt justified. Proud. I had a good reputation.
Years later I’m not so sure the caller and the voice matched. Such a caller would say anything to continue the call. On the basis of my good reputation, the coworker’s was tarnished. How would I have felt if things were the other way around? I wish I had not talked to HR unless I had better proof or was harassed again. I didn’t follow the principle every 4-year-old learns in S.S. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Hi Beth!
thanks for asking 🙂
1. I’ve been accused of betraying my family because I took a stand and contacted the authorities when a young member disclosed child abuse to me by her mother. This was almost 3 years ago now and not one member of my family has ever asked for my perspective or what I heard/saw/think—just complete rejection: HOW DARE YOU! The grandmother of the victim and mother of the abuser called me a “crazy, jealous (insert profane word here) who will answer to God—have a nice life.” She was right about that—yes, I will most definitely answer to the Lord! Another family member told me that when I decided to apologize, I would never be forgiven (She’s still waiting for that apology). It ripped my heart out but I know I obeyed the Lord and I have a clear conscience. Four generations of victimization need to stop.
2. Unfortunately yes—many times and I’ve almost always been wrong. My family is extremely passive aggressive and I was raised to jump to conclusions and assume everyone’s motives were evil and never, ever actually talk about problems in a healthy and respectful manner. This has been a major challenge, but I think I’ve learned because (see #1) when it’s done to me, it’s way off the mark and devastating. I’m trying so very hard to give the benefit of the doubt. When I’ve done THAT, I’ve been more right than wrong and rarely regret it.
3. Confrontation should be made with as many facts in hand as possible, and done with a spirit of love and humility, with the goal being the restoration of that issue/person/relationship. The Lord calls us to do so in love with the warning to be careful, ‘lest you also be tempted’ and Mt 18. Accusation needs no facts, only assumptions, gossip, personal biases, triggers and usually bitterness. It’s much more prideful and selfish and I doubt that good ever comes out of it. The Lord warns against such behavior; satan reigns in it.
1 & 2: Yes..I think the most hurtful time was when I was a active member in a family run church and the pastor’s daughter was openly jealous of me. Her entire family was aware and many commented to me about it, asking me to befriend her. I did try, but it was very difficult, because the competitive spirit in her was too much to deal with most of the time. During an outreach in the city, she called up her father and told him I was causing trouble and trying to take over… Accused me of not working with the others on the team and trying to take over. The pastor arrived and openly rebuked me based on her phone call to him and reiterated the accusations in front of everyone. I was deeply hurt, embarrassed because the people we were trying to reach for Jesus were looking at us, and most of all I was BLINDED by anger.
I did not take my dressing down well, I did not turn the other cheek… I retaliated in like fashion. I shared (accused), with the entire ministry team there how she lied about her job in healthcare, her education as a nurse, her hateful looks toward me, her deplorable behavior….etc…etc… etc..
You see, she did not graduate, have a nursing license or have a job doing what she professed… Her family all knew she lied, would even make jokes about it, but no one would confront her with truth. My behavior, however was deplorable. While my accusations were truth, my spirit was not Christ like, but full of flesh and anger.
3: I learned a lot about myself and that accusations only lead to hurt. My actions severed my relationship with that family and the enemy won… In hindsight, I should have left without saying a word. Come home and prayed and let The Lord fight my battle, no matter how hard. You see, we all know that there isn’t anything hidden that shall not be revealed and hidden things of dishonesty will be exposed. I should have confronted her face to face, in private, but my dislike for her behaviors and my view of her sins being worse than mine (pride) gave fuel to the enemy.
We left that church and many months later the Lord dealt with me about my un-forgiveness toward her. In fact, it was during the Breaking Free bible study… I repented for my behaviors and I reached out to her, offering to buy her lunch or coffee and meet with her. I shared with her that I wanted to apologize. She never accepted my offer, but God cleansed my heart and i was freed from that weight of anger and un-forgiveness. We have since seen the family members at other events, all of us are friendly and polite, but the level of unity, friendship and trust is not the same as it was 8 years ago. Sharing truth must always be done in love and humility; with a clean and pure heart that is free from any agenda or pride.
Miss Beth,
I really just wanted to tell you I finished the James bible studio this evening! And, guess what, as God would have it, today is the 21st of August!!! The same day your mother penned that letter to your daddy; how sweet He is…
Mercy does triumph and Jesus is the resurrection and the life. Oh how I thank Him from rescuing me from some food (or lack of) addictions and set me on higher ground.
Regarding accusations… I have learned to measure my words as they have gotten me in trouble and I know how hurtful gossip can be; unfortunately, I have been on both sides and neither feel good.
1. Experiencing accusation for more than two years by sister-in-law. Completely fabricated out of the blue. Really accusing my husband (her brother) but it’s easier for her to deal with if she thinks I am the cause. This has to do with care for their 85 year old mother which makes it that much more difficult. We used to be friends, sad and hard.
2. Probably but nothing comes to mind.
3. I would say that confrontation can have a positive and helpful outcome. Accusation generally does not; in fact, I can’t think of when it would be anything butt hurtful!
1. Yes. It was about something I said in confidence to one person, but my husband was told I said it to our children. It was a distortion and twisting of the facts. (Of course, I shouldn’t have said it period.). :/
2. Yes. No. I was partially wrong. I do have regrets about it now, because I was responding to the situation out of high emotions.
3. Confrontation is approaching someone face to face about an issue and WITHOUT high emotions and inflammatory language. Accusations are made in (usually, I think) anger or high emotional times without much thought to what you are actually saying. I think it is more of a ‘knee jerk’ reaction.
1. Yes, with true facts that were then distorted in such a way that they became an accusation & used to cause division within the body of Christ. God used Numbers 12 to convince me not to defend myself but to let Him take care of the wrong. He did. Still, it grieved my heart.
2. Every stinkin’ time that I do, I regret it. Because even if I’m partially right, there’s always another side to the story.
3. An accusation is a claim we make in condemnation. Our goal is to highlight the wrong of the other person and to bring about justice. It’s often made to someone besides the person we’re accusing. Confrontation -though it can be rooted in wrong motive- is at least brave enough to be direct. It has the goal of bringing problems out in the open, searching for a solution and -when needed- bringing redemption. For believers, it’s the “speaking the truth in love” of Ephesians 4:15.
1. My daughter (17yrs old) has gone through a tough year and she has accused her dad and I of overprotecting her, being hypocrites, not understanding her, being closed minded and unaccepting of others, judgmental. Interestingly, all things I’m naturally sensitive about. The more you love the person accusing you, the more it hurts. I’ve been heartbroken over her rejection of us, of the church, and praying it isn’t a rejection of the God who loves her so. I’m hopeful and know God is still at work. He is able!
I’d answer 1 and maybe 2, but they would cause things I’m still struggling to forgive to rear their ugly heads. SO, I’ll skip to 3.
Yes, huge difference between confrontation and accusation. Accusation can be ugly, loud, and frankly, a pack of lies. Accusation only seeks the glory of the person doing the accusing.
Confrontation can be done gently, with a quiet spirit and a humble heart. Confrontation ultimately wants reconciliation more than it wants to point fingers and prove that it is right. Confrontation wants to get at the truth, on both sides, and work things out.
Accusation only wants to say, “Look at me and how wronged I am and how horrible you are.” Accusation is wrapped in pride.
Laura:
1) Yes, I have been accused by a staff member at a previous church. It was twisted/a distorting of the facts. The staff person assumed he knew my motivations and why I was doing something. He was totally off base. I have never received an apology.
2) Yes, I have accused someone. I accused one of my first bosses after college of taking my travel sewing kit and not returning it to my desk. Imagine my embarrassment when it turned out to be hers…I had moved mine, and it was still in my desk in another drawer. No, I don’t regret it because she really handled it well. I got to know her a lot better after that. We became pretty close. It also singed my soul enough that I am still loath to accuse others now-almost 25 years later.
3) Confrontation involves going to another person and bringing up something that is giving you cause for concern. It involves giving the other person a chance to explain themselves and your listening with an open mind.
Accusation involves your having made up your mind about another person’s actions and why they are doing them then going to vent your opinion on these preconceived ideas to the person without listening to them or receiving input from them.
1 – Yes. It was a refusal to hear the truth. She wanted to believe what she wanted to and wouldn’t listen to me or believe I was telling the truth. It was the start of a huge break in our relationship.
2 – Yes. I jumped to conclusions and made assumptions. Sometime I’m right but mostly I’m wrong. When I’m wrong I totally feel awful. I feel guilty and bad about hurting the relationship.
3 – Confrontation is about seeking truth and correction. Accusation is an attack – very negative. Many times done without knowing or possibly even wanting to know the truth.
1 lately my concern and trying to love my neighbor has come across as being nosey. Are we that far gone that concern isn’t genuinely acceptable any longer? A neighbor I was actually witnessing to who desparately needs the Love of Christ in her entire family. It’s as if the enemy put up his shield and nothing will pierce their hard hearts now.
2. I accused the carpet cleaner man and his employee of stealing from me a pair of diamond hoop ear rings. I called the company and complained and everything. To find these earrings a couple of years later in a wallet that I was cleaning up to give to a thrift store. I deserved to lose them forever. It was a rough period in my life that I did t trust anyone and I feel so badly about it that I even told my husband it may have been my step son who stole them to pawn. I was eat up with these being missing as they were a gift from my husband, a rare item he doesn’t just give impractical items, I almost can’t hardly wear them now.
3. I am trying to swallow my pride with my neighbor and confront her but time needs to do its thing. I am praying something will come out of this and that God is busy working behind the scenes to repair my relationship with my neighbor. Accusations go through my mind all day long and condemning myself, I need to lose that spirit of bitterness and just accept that it was all at the feet of Jeaus and if I can start to see myself as he sees me then I will also see others as Christ sees them. Ms, Beth don’t you worry one bit if people are mean and saying things about your teaching. As far as I am concerned if the enemy isn’t on your tail then you must be doing something wrong. I love you!
1. I am in a season right now where my two long-time best friends accused me of failing to demonstrate an appropriate level of growth in my faith and as a result they could no longer be associated with me in anyway (announced via email). Without question I had been in a low season after a series of devastating losses and my ongoing prayer was “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.” I was in such a desperate place that their accusations took me out at the knees. These were women who had been best friends for decades and I spent months believing I was the most wretched person on the earth and that if these women of God were saying these things God must be completely disgusted with me. It has been a long climb out to sort out truth from accusation, and a continual returning to God questioning – who do YOU say I am Lord?
2. I have done this for sure – the specific instances that come to mind are when I feel my kids have been wronged. I have made broad sweeping assumptions which then turned into accusations of the character of another versus simply addressing the action that was hurtful towards my kids.
3. I believe confrontation is what we do as believers when we speak the truth in love to our brothers and sisters in Christ (I believe that is an earned right – not something we have the latitude to run around doing to anyone we see). It is taking the time to both speak and to listen. There is wide berth for the Holy Spirit and the “I think, I know” and “You always, you never” are removed from the conversation. Accusation on the other hand already has its mind made up – whoever is being accused has been deemed guilty as charged and there is no room for honest dialogue, and more importantly, there is no room for the work of the Holy Spirit to use the opportunity to build up rather than tear down.
2. I am a pastor’s wife. There is a woman in our church who has gotten herself involved in many different ways at our church ‘serving’ alongside my husband. Her own marriage is suffering and she looks to my husband as a friend. I have had countless conversations with him about the anguish it is causing me to watch them doing ministry together. I feel uncomfortable even though he reassures me it is nothing but church work. I have not confronted her nor accused her of wrong doing. Am I just jealous and need to give it up?
1. Yes. Long story but i won’t bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, my husband and I were accused of having issues in our marriage and not suitable to minister in our church. All for the sake of a woman wanting to lead the bible study group I have been leading for years. Thankful for a Pastor who knows us and not only did he not remove us from ministry but ask me to step it up.
2. Yes. I’m sure I have been gulty of accusing someone without having all the facts. But, there is one instance where I knew in my gut and still beleve to this day i am 100% correct even without knowing all the details. Wolves in sheep clothing, wreaking havoc in the body. They are gone now and wonder where they will strike next. Very sad.
3. Confrontation can be just as ugly as accusation if not handled properly with great care and a whole lot of grace. Accusation is simply mean spirited, damaging and unloving.
1. It has been 37 years and I can still remember the pain of being falsely accused of abusing my daughter. I received a call from Children Protective Services announcing that an anonymous complaint had been made against my husband and me for abuse of our daughter. Following the investigation the investigator communicated to us that the complaint was deemed to be unfounded and gave us a letter that all traces of the complaint were being destroyed. She would not tell me the content of the complaint or who made it. I was in agony that this had happened to our family, as a young stay at home mother I prided myself on being a great mother to my 4 month old daughter as well as my 2 and 4 year old sons. Several days later in my quite time Jesus revealed to me who had made the complaint, a neighbor several door down who I only knew by name and had never had any conversations with. Shortly after Jesus revealed this to me my phone rang in the middle of the night, it was this neighbor wanting to come to my house to talk, I was shaking from head to toe but agreed to see her later that morning. When she came into my house she was strangely quiet. After a few minutes of silence I told her I knew she had called Child Protective Services and how much pain it had caused me I also told her that I forgave her because Jesus had told me to. She didn’t deny it or admit to it but did reveal that she had had several unexplained miscarriages and was now pregnant again. She left after 5 to 10 minutes. She moved several weeks later and we never talked again. This event has proven to be an anchor of faith for me and although painful I would not have wanted to miss the closeness I found with Jesus or the lessons that I learned during those days.
3. The difference between confrontation and accusation is the intention of the heart and only God truly knows the heart. God knows that better than the person doing what they think is confrontation that might actually be accusation because they can be blind to their real motive of their heart. I think confrontation is done with the heart and love of Christ. Its a fine line and unfortunately often we error to the side of accusation more often then confrontation even when we believe we are truly doing confrontation.
To me confrontation is finding the courage and strength to tackle a situation head on with grace and mercy. Could be a person or a personal flaw. Lots of confrontations in the mirror.
Yes
The accusation was made that I wasn’t there while someone was running their life into the ground. They literally almost did. It was a distortion. I wasn’t there much, but had little opportunity because they were with other people.
Yes
Most of the time there is a distortion.
Yes, because I know that this way of behaving is not pleasing to the Lord
Confrontation is when you have facts or some good evidence that something has been done
Accusation is just a suspicion that something has been done. Little evidence. Also, the spirit in which accusation is done is inherently different than confrontation. It’s more out of seeking vengeance and destruction of the party rather than to expose the truth.
1.) Yes, personally, I was accused by Christian sisters for my God-given gift in Biblical writing and teaching. Also, Biblically, Apostle Paul was accused/misunderstood, in 2Corinthians 10, he speaks of it.
2.) Not outwardly, my accusation in my mind never gets past prayer.
Meaning, the Holy Spirit reveals another perspective.
3.) Without using a dictionary:
Confrontation could be like that of the way Jesus responded, in question form. A method that leads another to either reflect or hear some truth. Whereas, accusation could be that of the Pharisees who took partial truth and pointed at Jesus for healing on the Sabbath.
#2 I remember accusing one of my kids concerning some kind of bickering thing going on with his brothers. (This child had a habit of starting this kind of thing.)Found out this time he hadn’t started it. 🙁 Definitely regreted and apologized.
#3 It seems to me, an accusation is more like an attack, not wanting what’s best for the person, hurtful, and one-sided. Whereas confrontation (especially if done in love)is more of a 2-way street with communication where the ultimate desired outcome is resolution.
1. Yes. Recently accused by my spouse of 35 years that I lied to him to make him look like an idiot in front of our son. Unfortuantely he jumpedto the accusation without all the facts and eventually apologized. It was painful.
2.yea. my husband and I had a couple we spent a lot of time with. We could tell he was using lots of pain medications to the point of stealing things (making up fabricated stories to cover his tracks) and being hostile to his sweet wife. One day I found her in tears stating she could not take it any more – he was making her feel like she was crazy! My husband and I confronted him and it costs us the friendship. He lied to her and she ditched us and stood by him. Painful!
3. Accusation is stating you think you have enough evidence to bring to the light someone’s sin. Confrontation is similar but repentance and redemption are the goals.
1. Yes, the worse thing is when you can’t do anything about what you are accused of. I was accused of trying to teach men (according to my accuser a sin in the Bible) because I shared my thoughts to the group in a Bible study where men were present and I was female. I can’t change the fact of my gender. You can’t be taught something by anyone male or female if you don’t want to learn.
2. Sadly yes I have. I seem to get it exactly backwards from what it should be. I accuse when I should not and I don’t confront when I should. that is the biggest regret of all.
3. The difference between confrontation and accusation is the intention of the heart and only God truly knows the heart. God knows that better than the person doing what they think is confrontation that might actually be accusation because they can be blind to their real motive of their heart. I think confrontation is done with the heart and love of Christ. Its a fine line and unfortunately often we error to the side of accusation more often then confrontation even when we believe we are truly doing confrontation.
1.. In the course of your adult life, have you ever been painfully accused of something by another person (as opposed to being accused by Satan himself)? If your answer is yes, was the accusation a twisting/distorting of the facts or was it completely fabricated out of thin air? I’m looking into how often the most painful accusations are distortions or perversions of the truth (making them more believable and frustratingly less refutable) versus an outright lie with utterly no tie to the truth.
Yes I’ve been accused of lying about being molested. I was scared enough to tell someone but the fact that they didnt believe me only added to the pain of it actually happening.
2. In the course of your adult life, have you ever accused someone else of something? If your answer is yes (and for most of us in a candid mood, it will be), did you turn out to be 100% right? (By all means, say so if you did. I’m just trying to look at the concept from several different perspectives.) Whether or not you were wrong, right, or partially right, do you have any regrets about making the accusation? If so, what are they and why?
Yes. A few years ago I was given some bad counsel about what emotional abuse was so I ended up in a huge mess.
I was told that I should leave my husband because he could be a “danger” to me. They recommended I put a restraining order on him and so I did.
The problem was it was worldy counsel and had I gotten godly counsel I would not have done it the way I did it and gotten godly help.
3. In your opinion (and without the benefit of a dictionary), what is the difference between confrontation and accusation?
Confrontation in both my cases would have meant approaching in a loving honest way. Instead it ended up being accusation which I did not handle in love or honesty but deceitfully. To this day I am still paying the consequences
1. A person I thought I had a friendship with me shared something negative about someone else to a group of several of us. The comment got back to the individual and that person assumed (correctly) who had said it and asked her about it. She denied it and then contacted me and accused me of telling the person. Basically she gossiped and then blamed me for repeating it. I told my “friend” I did not repeat it but she did not believe me. It was later confirmed by the person involved that it was not me. My “friend” could not let it go. To cover her pride she came up with a very creative story about me and how I victimized her and she started repeating her story to close friends and acquaintances, painted herself as the victim. I did not have any idea that such a minor issue became so huge and twisted in her mind nor that she was saying very disparaging things about me and my family to anyone who would listen. She separated our families and our friends. The stories have continued to grow over the few years. My husband and I choose not to discuss it or “set the situation straight” and many people have separated themselves from us based on her twisted and false stories . They have also assumed she is right BECAUSE we wont talk about it. Worst of all is my pre-teen daughter has been hurt intentionally by her actions as well (Oh don’t you get my baby involved in this or the gloves may come off!) I fully admit that, while we have publicly and privately taken the path of integrity, in my heart I have to fight off bitterness, anger, resentment and sometimes, sadly, hatred for this person (that comes when the kids are involved). This has been so hard. It has taken it’s toll. I have fallen many times but, no matter how weary, I get back up and try to submit my thoughts and my heart to the Holy Spirits healing.
2. One situation (among, I’m sure, many) comes to mind where I responded very poorly to a friend who hurt my feelings. We took a break from the friendship and when she came back to apologize and try to work through it, I listened to the council from another friend (~ironically it is the person I have the current situation with referenced above). I did not go to prayer, I did not listen to the Holy Spirit, I listened to the council of an individual with a motive who told me I shouldn’t forgive. I wanted her favor more than I wanted to do what was right. It took a long time for me to see the truth and go back to my friend and tell her how wrong I had been for the way I handled the situation and for witholding forgiveness as well. Our friendship will, most likely, never be the same but I truly love her and wish her happiness.
3. To me – confronting a situation means to meet it as directly as possible. With respect to a person it means to go directly to them and try to address it. Accusation would be something indirect – hiding behind someone or something else to fight your battle – 3rd party.
1. Yes I have been accused of several somethings that were complete twisting’s of the truth. They have all been relational accusations from my family members who are unbelievers.
2. I too have accused others, but I feel rather than a twisting of the truth most of the time it was from a lack of all of the information. Twisting of the truth has happened, but most often when I am being prideful or needing to find a “reason” to “feel” the way I was feeling.
3. Confrontation is when you tackle the issue head on and with all of your facts. It should be done in a biblical manner and after much prayer. Accusations are usually started internally (in our own mind) and risk being twisted, or becoming slanderous.
1.) Yes. I was wrongly accused by a close family member. It was very hurtful but we
were able to move past without a lot of damage done. They judged because I didn’t think the
same way they did about a certain situation. I was confronted based on how they thought it should have been handled and was told I was wrong. It was hurtful because I didn’t do what they thought I should and so in their eyes I was going against God.
2.) I did accuse someone of something and regretted doing so at the time.
What I accused them of they eventually did later in our relationship.
I regret the whole way I went about the situation, and I feel like
I didn’t respond the way the Holy Spirit was leading me to.
3.) I think confrontation can be done with leading of the Holy Spirt if
there is actually evidence. I think accusation is more of assuming something
about someone without the actual facts
1. Most likely yes but I was 100% confident that I was innocent and chose not to worry about how others viewed me based on what was said. In other cases, I’ve been accused of not being a good, forgiving, Christian when I felt that consequences and accountability were needed in someone’s life as opposed to continual enabling.
2. I’ll try to be brief and maybe answer two ?’s in one. I’m a person with special needs. I have staff and family who assist me in often times very personal, private ways. Once, a family member was assisting me on such an occasion. As they were, they did something that made me feel uncomfortable since it wasn’t really necessary. I tried to confront gently hoping to help them find a way to do things differently. They instantly got defensive and made me feel as if I shouldn’t have said anything(after years of encouragement from them to Never let anyone do anything that I didn’t like)in the first place. This made me feel unsafe and question their intentions. I briefly thought it over, and spoke with a casemanager about how to handle the situation. In describing what happened, I referred to the actions as “inappropriate” since, as I mentioned they weren’t necessary and they didn’t fit neatly or clearly in a definition of abuse nor, at the time did I have real proof, or reason to believe they were intended that way. I could go on. I’ll just say that while no charges were filed by me or anyone else, this person feels I’ve accused them of something when I didn’t. While we’re cordial and have some semblance of relationship, it’s still not fully restored as I can’t truly accept an “I’m sorry But I didn’t do anything wrong” statement as an apology. Also, this person’s not willing to acknowledge they should make some changes to how they do and say things. Might not seem like to many, it but it’s been really hard to fully move forward. Sorry this wasn’t short. Post only of you want, it’s up too you.
I should mention. Since this happened and a reasonable, agreeable solution couldn’t be reached I removed myself from the situation by moving. Moving in and of itself caused people to believe I’d make up something heinous just to have an excuse to move.
* This is so inspiring – I just did a study on accusations!!! You go, girl.
1. Yes – it was perversion of truth…and the more times this person gossips about “her take on things” it GREW and GREW into something that resembled more “utter fabrication”. When accusations and gossip are listened to – entertained by others – they grow like a cancer and then consume the teller! It was painful to be accused of ridiculous things, but even more painful to see the effect on the accuser. Crippling – especially when she had no one left to tell it to. It had been giving her “life”.
2. I’m mediator by profession so I have had to make accusations at times. (And I’m a mom, and Lord knows my rowdy bunch have withstood some accusations…I’m always 100% right in parenting accusations, of course. hehehehe). I usually never regret accusations that I have made. Here’s the deal…in regard to accusations, just like with spankings, DO NOT accuse in anger and expect a healthy outcome. And never accuse unless you have undeniable proof…false accusations ruin reputations and even lives. And, um, it’s illegal in some instances.
3. Confrontation=speaking the truth in love. Bringing light to a situation that must be faced. This is done person to person.
Accusation=the gathering of information and forming a case against someone – that might not even be present. And this is why Satan loves this tactic.
The Lord Bless You!
1. Many times. Most have at least a grain of truth twisted into them somewhere. Usually it involves someone attributing false/imagined motives or meanings to some action or statement.
2. I think that we all (including me!)can be/have been guilty at times of such misinterpretation of someone’s actions/statements. Though I don’t tend to be a confronter/accuser verbally. People can even falsely accuse themselves; I know I have done this (or maybe it is just the accuser whispering in my “ear.”)
There was one time I accused someone (well, actually I mentioned the accusation and someone else repeated it to the person) which turned out to be completely untrue. I did apologize later but still feel badly about it.
3. Confrontation (at least biblical confrontation) should be an interaction in which facts are aired and motives discussed, without accusing or implying judgement. (Of course for some people anything of this sort is taken as an accusation anyway.)
Accusation is attributing negative motives to someone and expressing disapproval of their actions and/or statements. Some of the difference in the two can just be tone of voice.