First Installment: Meet My Sister
Second Installment: The Functioning Years
Third Installment: The Maelstrom
From Gay’s heart to yours…
Gregg Taylor, my pastor and sweet, sweet friend, said in a sermon one night at Mercy Street that “the person who has a WHY to live can bear with almost any HOW.” He was quoting Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning which chronicles Frankl’s experiences as a concentration camp inmate. It means that if I have a reason, a purpose, something beyond where I am, a sense of what I could become, and I know that tomorrow is going to bring me closer to that then I can work with where I am today. He went on to say, “If you have no hope, life ends.”
I didn’t stop breathing while I was out there on the street, but in all other respects my life had ended. I knew that. I knew that I had caused my family to leave me because I had not been willing or able to stop drinking. I don’t know now whether I couldn’t stop or I wouldn’t stop (probably some of both), I just know that I didn’t stop. In my mind, I no longer had anything to live for. My family was gone. My employability was gone. My desire to make another stab at recovery was gone. My self-respect and integrity were gone. My faith in myself and God were gone. I had no reason, no purpose, nothing beyond where I was. I only had another miserable day on the street, in the elements, cold, sick, hungry, filthy, beaten in more ways than one, full of heartache, resentment, jealousy, fear, self-pity, self-loathing and hate. My only purpose each day was to figure out how I was going to drink myself into unconsciousness so that I couldn’t see or feel the hopelessness that each day brought. I didn’t want to wake up to another day of hustling, begging, stealing, cheating and doing what I had to do to stay alive, all of which were pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I didn’t believe in God anymore — I knew that the All Mighty, All Powerful, All Merciful God that I had been taught about in Sunday School would not let me, ME, live out there like a wild animal! I had lost all hope, and with that, I had lost the will to live. I didn’t care anymore if I lived or died.
Yet somehow, unbeknownst to me, God WAS there. I was just too covered up with my own “stuff” (heartache, self-pity, hate) and too busy trying to blot out that stuff to see Him. In the process, I had blotted Him out, too. I did not see that when my body finally screamed out for food that food was there. I did not see that the people I despised and hated, fought and scratched with, and told them I was BETTER THAN THEM were the very angels that God had sent to protect me. I did not see that the porch that I slept UNDER (because I would get arrested for trespassing if I slept ON) was His shelter. I did not see how much worse it could have been had my drug of choice been anything other than alcohol. I did not see that each day that I woke up breathing was another day closer to the day He would strike … the day I would be ready; when all of the things that had blocked me from following His lead in the past were brought into submission. The entitlement, the pride, the judgment, the dishonesty, the unwillingness to be obedient to His will for ME, for MY life, had to be surrendered so that I might not only obtain sobriety but also be effective in His world.
Now, let me rest on this for a second before I move on: I found out later that His will for me was not simply for me to quit drinking. It was for me to DO THE THINGS that He put before me each and every day, one day at a time, and that HE WOULD EQUIP ME with the tools to quit drinking! He would EMPOWER ME.
Note: I know these things now. I did not know them then. Hindsight is better than foresight but I am hoping that those of you who are listening will not be as hardheaded as me!
Moving on …
After wandering aimlessly IN THE WILDERNESS for 18 months, a series of events that only a God could have brought together led me and my friend, Jerry, from Galveston to Houston. The street was hard and mean in Houston. No beach, no everyone-knows-each other-and-watches-each-other’s-backs, no First Presbyterian Church serving breakfast fit for a king on Saturday mornings. As a matter of fact, all clothing and food supplies had been sent to Galveston to aid those still suffering from Hurricane Ike which had ravaged the island just six months before. The City is much harder, walking distances much further, people more desperate, dangerous and demanding. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t survive anymore. It was too hard. So I just laid down on the concrete underneath the Sabo Road overpass to die. I didn’t panhandle anymore, I didn’t beg anymore, I didn’t fight anymore. I laid down to die.
According to Jerry, I didn’t move from there for about two weeks, except to sit up long enough to drink myself back to sleep. I might have eaten a bite or two. I maybe even stumbled across the feeder road now and then to use the facilities at Jack In The Box, maybe not. I don’t know. I was in a blackout. I had only one lucid moment during that entire time that I remember well, so well that it feels like yesterday. It was night and I was alone in the dark. I was lying on my left side and in my fear, whether of death or of continuing to live, I thought of my children and, at that moment, they became my WHY. I didn’t care enough about myself to pray for my life but I cared enough about THEM to do just that. I turned onto my back and hearing the endless roar of the traffic overhead, I spoke out loud to God where He could hear me and I could hear myself. I spoke very precisely, almost demandingly and with my arm outstretched toward Heaven, I cried, “God, I know that You are up there. I have been taught that all my life. Now, I need Your help. Now! Because I’m going to die out here, Lord, and there are two little boys in Sugar Land that need a mother.” Just like that, just exactly like that, and then it was done. Amen and Amen.
I don’t know how much time passed between that prayer and being gently shaken awake by Tut: an hour, a day, two days. But alone again in the night in the exact same spot, I felt a nudge and I heard a voice saying, “Gay, get up and get in the truck. We’re going home.” I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t look around to see who I might take with me. I didn’t look around to see who might stop me. I didn’t even look around to see who it was. I simply got up off the concrete and walked to the truck, one foot in front of the other, each step closer and closer, remembering the prayer because it was the ONLY thing I could remember about the weeks prior, knowing with each step that God – that God — that’s all I knew, without a shred of doubt, — that God had heard my cry and had moved Heaven and Earth to save me! I became acutely aware in those miracle moments of the size and depth of the Love of God for a sinner like me. As I settled into the warm, soft, leather seat of the white Chevy Suburban that I had ridden in so many times and looked over to confirm that the man was indeed Tut, I was struck with an awe that I can’t possibly describe. That awe multiplied as we pulled away and I saw the bridge that I had tried to die under get smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. It was over.
It was OVER.
It was OVER.
My heart is pounding now as I bang this keyboard and I feel an urgency to cry my eyes out in more gratitude than I know how to express. In my mumbling and fumbling to find the words to describe those moments, I think of the words to a song by Francesca Battistelli. It goes like this:
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be.
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so beautiful, beautiful.
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful.
Gregg Taylor, my pastor and my sweet, sweet friend, also says that God never brings an end without offering a new beginning. I didn’t know HOW I was going to begin the climb out of hell. I just knew that I was going to begin. I was never the same after that night.
I have come undone.
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace.
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so beautiful, beautiful.
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful.
Praise Jesus, Love of my life.
Whoa! Thank-You for sharing your story-
I think of you… Gay, in this thought…
Corrie Ten Boom once said, “There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still.”
Beautiful, beautiful. I love it! Thanks so much, Allison.
When I read that Tut came to get you, Hosea and Redeeming Love immediately came to mind. Our God is so very good!
….And I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy; Then I will say to those who were not My people, ‘You are My people!’ And they shall say, ‘You are my God!'”
Hosea 2:23
Oh how many of us can plug our names in for “her”.
Praise be to God for His faithfulness and redemption!
Oh Rhonda — I have chillbumps all over me reading the words from Hosea. And Gay will say, “You are my God!” Awesooommme!!!
Loved you are,
Gay
WOW!
The timing of this is so GOD. I am going to share your story with some women i am working w/ who are in a hard place in life – living in transitional homes and shelters. GOD is our Only Hope! He is awesome in power… Still Mighty To Save! Thank You so much for sharing!!
Tammie — You go girl! DO IT!!! There is more coming. Soooo much more because I began the climb in a detox center for women and then moved on to transitional living. I couldn’t have done it without them. I know, without a shred of doubt, that God led me to those places. No doubt!! He is so wise, Tammie. You go girl and SHINE THE LIGHT to my sisters. Ok??? I’m about to cry!
Together with you in the journey,
Gay
Beautiful, Beautiful!!!
Thank You so much Gay and Beth!
This is truly a beautiful Love story! 🙂
Gay, thank you for sharing your testimony. Thank you for your honesty, your heart. It would be impossible not to praise God upon reading this. Sweet Jesus, you are the lover of our hearts!!! Thank You for this sister! Thank You for your amazing love and grace!
Gay- thank you so VERY much for being willing to be so open and vulnerable to all of us. What a AWESOME story of grace and redemption you share. May you only feel love and acceptance from your seista sisters!
O my stinkin’ word….these posts are the very reason I come this site and look for this blog. They are so real to me and to my family. sigh. You, dear Gay, are being used in ways you cannot see or understand, but just know that we appreciate your authentic willingness to be transparent and real. Hope, dear one, is like a great high. Thank you for hope.
How valuable you truly are to God, Gay. How great and merciful and loving He is. The pit, the pavement but ALWAYS in His palm. Praise be to God! We all love and respect you, Siesta sister!
Just simply “Amazing Grace.” Your words touch my soul in a way that is so real. Your experience teaches me to continue to pray for a very dear loved one who needs the same revelation. Thank you Gay. Your words are showing me HIM!
What beautiful Grace. So grateful for you. Although I don’t drink alcohol that way…I do drink anger. It is so easy to be covered, as you say, in our own “stuff” that we can’t see our Lord standing by us. Alcohol may have made your stuff more noticeable to others…but we all have stuff. Right? At 37…I am just learning to hand it over to Him….and NOT take it back. Tough stuff that stuff. Thanks for sharing. You are beautiful.
I can not say WOW enough-Gay your testimony is POWERFUL. I love the way you have written these installments so beautifully…..you’re a lot like your sister:)
You go girl-may God continue to be glorified in all that you do. I am so happy for you and I don’t even know you. Praise God for the wonderful thing he has done in y our life!
Angel Varney
A fist pump
A lump in my throat
Speechless before our great God
Love to you sister and His resurrection power
LOVE! that! song! – LOUD. LOUD.
All my details are different, BUT GOD.
the end is always the same – the end of me.
Love & hugs to you OUR dear sister.
Gay, I keep reading your story and think of my brother in law who went through similiar situations. My sister was married for 25 years. We were just talking how we still love him and we pray that he (Carmen) doesn’t end up homeless. He hasn’t called his children in months and they know its really bad when that happens. Would you please pray with us that Jesus rescues him like he did you?
Gay, we love you and Praise GOD for your rescue!!! Jesus is our Valentine!! 🙂 …forever!! Our Bridegroom and our One True Love!!
WOW! Amazing Grace in action! God is forever faithful; thank you for sharing your incredible journey! You are a miracle, Gay! May God continue to overflow His goodness, love and hope through you as you share your testimony~
Love you, Gay 🙂
Thank you so much, Gay, for sharing so vulnerably with all of us.
HALLELUJAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Gay, I’m not sure how to say how my heart hurts for the depths of despair you expericenced & rejoices with the very real answer to your cry for your children. I may not have experienced in the same way you have but I do understand being at the very bottom of the pit & crying out for God’s hand to save me. And I pray the same for my daughter. Your words bring hope & life. Thank you for being brave enough to share!!! Much love to you!
Wow – that is really all I can muster…Thank you for sharing such an intimate but much needed look at your walk with Jesus. I am speechless cuz I have a huge frog in my throat from crying as I read this miracle unfold.
Oh my goodness! So amazing is our God. Makes me think of Hosea and Gomer. So hard to wait for each installment!
Praising God with and for you!
WOW!! You are proof that God will not loose one of His!!He will go to the end of the world (or under a bridge) to bring us back to Him!! Lord help us to listen to you when you speak to us, whether we are the ones who need to be brought back, or we are the ones who help facilitate the bringing back (Tut). Praise The Lord!!
So many tears of understanding and hope and praise and compassion flood through me right now…He wants to be and truly IS our savior in so many ways and in every level…
Would it be ok to post this on my facebook page? I so want to share it, but I also feel protective and don’t want anyone to put a remark against Gay…or against our Loving Father, that would hinder anyone else…but I want anyone who needs to see this, to be able to find these words from His Spirit through you…
Thank you for sharing. My husband once told me that if going through what I did, and all the pain it caused him, family, friends, myself and others…is how God was able to get through to me, to where I found Him to be truly a Loving God that can be relied on, then it was worth it… That the changes taken place in my life, were to be found by enduring the things done to me as well as what I did to myself (and so sadly, others)…then it was something to be learned from. I wish I could’ve understood my heavenly Father’s loving ways by following the easy and good path He surely would’ve preferred…but I wouldn’t trade going through what I did if it meant not being led to where my heart is with Him now! Oh I still long to have followed a different path, but if I would’ve missed out on Him, then NO! She who is forgiven much, loves much – and I’m gracious and thankful for the love and forgiveness I have found and want others to know is there for the asking! I have so much more to know and change and understand and grow, I’m far from stopping my discovery path with Him, but knowing that this is where He brought me after going through the past, makes the past bearable. He humbled me and showed me my greatest need is for Him, my Father…through His son (our Big Perfect Brother in a sense) Jesus~
Hugs,
Sandy
I have no doubt Gay would welcome you to do that, Sandy.
Dear sweet, daughter of the King, I weep. There is hope for my husband. How i so want him to open himself up to the healing, merciful love of Jesus. His alcohol abuse is killing our marriage. As i cry out to Jesus for wisdom, the word i keep hearing is ‘enabling isn’t loving’. i fear if we separate he will end up on the streets and at the end of himself and then i fear he will scratch and claw and make it and never ever get to the end of himself.
thank you for sharing. you have no idea how your story ministers to me.
Ever in His grip,
Jackie
I can understand now why Beth says she has never seen anyone do the harder thing! I’m very grateful that you reached out to God when you did…He surely was not finished with you. I love the story you are telling in the sense that I truly believe it will give so many others hope. I look forward to an opportunity to meet you one day even if it is at God’s throne. You are what your sister has referred to many times (in my hearing her) as a woman of valor!! It takes great courage to tell your story. Peace be with you sweet woman.
Gay,
Every time I read your “installments,” I get chills. I can’t believe how amazing your story is and how AMAZING our God is! Praise Him that you cried out one more time, you believed, and He rescued you from your pit! Truly a miracle. I am so antsy to know more of your story. I want to keep reading! Looking forward to hearing from you again. I pray others who are reading your story will feel hope again for their “hopeless” situations and will cry out to God again for mercy and help.
We love you!
God is a God of redemption and I can’t wait for each installment to continue to learn of your journey and ALL that He has done in your life! Thank you for sharing!! My parents both died due to their alcoholism and am always intrigued about addiction and the recovery process. I look forward to sharing your testimony with others – especially those who doubt because He sure did show up!
Blessings and prayers to you!! xo
Powerful…
Blessed be the name of our Almighty God!! That is one of my favorite songs! May you continue to bask in His sunlight!!
wow.
If ever I need to be reminded of how wide, how deep, how long the love of God is all I have to do is once again read this post…Sweet Savior and Lord I stand in awe of you!! Lord it is my prayer that for every woman on this blog that we will make much of you because as this beautiful testimony proves we are everything to you!! Hallelujah!!
Precious siesta, I am crying and speechless and just amazed again by the tender kindness of our loving God! He lavished it on you and desires to do that for each of us … what a true love story:) Your story also renews my hope that God is at work deep in the heart of my ‘rebel son’, even if I cannot see it. And it reminds me I can trust Him to, at His perfectly-timed moment, irresistibly and graciously touch and restore him, just as He has done for you. Thank you for doing today what God has put before you, Gay – sharing the glory of His story in your life. You are loved and such a blessing to all of us – thank you, Jesus!
God bless Tut!
When you wanted to let go even to the point of letting go of life itself, Jesus was still near and holding fast. He never let you go! How difficult it must be for you to look back at what you did to yourself, but I know your courage will make a difference in lives untold! thank you
You story makes me want to sing:
How deep the Father’s love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr’s, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
©1995 Kingsway’s Thankyou Music
Words and Music by Stuart Townend
I love that song so much, Ingrid. I have chill bumps on my arms reading the words and remembering the melody.
Thank you so much, Gay, for sharing your story. You are so brave, and the Lord is using you to inspire and influence those around you.
The Lord bless you and keep you,
The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you,
The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26
Gay,
I find it amazing and humbled that you are sharing this work of God with us. I was under JD’s thumb for many years while I still worked and raised my children. God picked a different time for me to stop. I think I would have surely died if HE had not. My dear “Tut” and I now have 6 adult children, two adopted special needs children (who are priceless) and 11 grandchildren. The grandchildren ask to listen to grandma’s “church music” in the car.
I just want to thank you for the honesty and courage it took to share this. I know that is a hard thing to do but God is so good to us isn’t he.
I am crying right now because one woman who had an amazing gift for singing, lost her fight against death. Whitney Houston, and another voice that was created to praise God is silent here on earth. And we were spared. WOW.
There are so many battling today. I hope that each of us thinks about our responsibility to be the light in darkness. It’s so hard to even see the light sometimes when we are in the darkest times in our live,s that Satan fools us into thinking there is no hope. Keep spreading the hope so more will learn that God is for them and they can live victorious lives.
Praise the LORD
Bless you, Gay. May God continue to bless and use you.
He is everything. Everything.
Gay,
AMAZING! AMAZING! HE IS ENOUGH……
I have been sharing your story with a co-worker who is a closet drinker and of coarse my brother that I have spoke about previously. Please know that YOUR STORY is making a difference! AMEN…..All for HIS GLORY! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your courage to share. Cant wait to hear more!
Love and Blessings to you,Gay!
WOW!!! What a faithful God we serve. What a blessing your life story is going to be for soooo many people!!! I love seeing God using His children to inspire others where they’re at!
God Bless you Gay for your authentic heart!
From one sister to another- BIG HUGS!!!!!!
PS- have you listened to Laura Story’s song “Blessings”…I think you might enjoy it:)
My tears are not enough on their own but every collective tear you have brought to our eyes is more than enough to wash your feet sweet sister..you are awe inspiring.. I have something I want to give you.. Something I painted last year that God kept moving on my heart to paint and I finally said ‘yes’ to begin my own journey and it started with sunlight burning at midnight.. I live outside of Cleveland Tx. now but grew up one street away from Sabo road on Fuqua.. And I know the kind of evil that lives there.. Lord give me strength.. Every thing I paint I give away as I feel led… This… This is for you.. http://www.ladybugte.blogspot.com/2011/08/sunlight-burning-at-midnight.html#links
So powerful that you know exactly the street, Tina.
I lived there for my 4 years of high school when my mom remarried .. I got my first real taste for hate those first two years from the physical and emotional abuse by him. It’s that moment in your life that you know you are for ever changed. I won’t lie being 15 and trying to drink your pain away your outlook looks bleak.. I look back on those days now and KNOW it’s by God’s grace that alcohol never took a hold of me.. But it wasn’t until after I married that I realized what did.. My tolerance to abuse.. And if it weren’t for the fact that I had Jesus very early on in my marriage I may not have had the hope I do now.. And the hope I have for my children and breaking these chains of repeated cycles.. It for me all comes back to love.. His love.. ” We love, because He first loved us..” 1John 4:19.. Thank you always Beth for allowing us to see Jesus in and through you and showing us how to never give up.. But more than that just for being you.
What courage it takes to share your story but oh what an impact it has on others lives. I continue to pray for you and to celebrate with you. May the Lord bless you.
Glory to God. I’m simply amazed at Him.
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Psalm 116:1 NIV
This is the chorus all God’s children sing. The verses are all different, but the chorus is the same.
I pray right now for anyone reading who needs to believe that God is there and He hears. Cry out to Jesus:
“There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus” (Third Day)
Sisters, let us bathe Gay in prayer as the enemy undoubtedly does not want this story of God’s miraculous love told.
Praying for you, Gay. You are a trophy of God’s grace and He loves you so.
Praise His glorious name! I’ve loved glimpsing into another world through your story — a world of people very similar to me that I see out my car window or walk past on the street.
Often I’ve wondered what could happen in my life to put me there under a bridge or pushing a cart on a city street, scared but sure it could actually happen. We are all one event, one problem, one crisis, one something away from being a lady under a bridge.
Here is what I pray God stirs in my mostly snobbish, surburban heart — that the next time I see someone who is living on the edge of hope that I remember Gay and treat them as one of the least of these just as Jesus would. I hope my eyes and face show love, acceptance and hope rather than condemnation, hautiness and aloofness.
Here is what will be so wonderful for all of us going forward — to see what God does with Gay’s hope and get to watch you live out the many reasons God rescued you from under the bridge. Your story is a blessing to my heart.
Love and hugs and Happy Valentine’s Day to you, J
Amen and Amen. God is so good.
What an amazing story and powerful witness to the love of our awesome God. After reading these posts on Gay’s life, I find it very difficult to understand how people still deny His existence, curse His name, and believe that they are self sufficient and don’t need a savior.
Thank you, Gay, for having the courage to share this powerful testimony.
God is good….all the time. All the time…..God is good.
gay, wow. this is what kills me – whether it’s in response to a child who turns to Jesus in faith & follows Him her whole life or a woman who has come to the very end of herself & needs a dramatic rescue – He’s there waiting – just anticipating the moment to snatch us up. how He loves us.
gay, i’m so grateful that you turned to Him – for the sake of your family, yes – but more b/c you are giving Him the glory & giving others hope. what that must do for God’s heart. 🙂
BUT i’m praying for you now b/c (& not to be a downer here)you can be sure our enemy will take notice (no offense, but you are NOT on his friends list…) so i’m praying extra protection around you & for Strength to endure. as travis says, “put on your angry praise” & stand firm.
praise Him – He is greater than any other. love you much, sister.