First Installment: Meet My Sister
Second Installment: The Functioning Years
Third Installment: The Maelstrom
From Gay’s heart to yours…
Gregg Taylor, my pastor and sweet, sweet friend, said in a sermon one night at Mercy Street that “the person who has a WHY to live can bear with almost any HOW.” He was quoting Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning which chronicles Frankl’s experiences as a concentration camp inmate. It means that if I have a reason, a purpose, something beyond where I am, a sense of what I could become, and I know that tomorrow is going to bring me closer to that then I can work with where I am today. He went on to say, “If you have no hope, life ends.”
I didn’t stop breathing while I was out there on the street, but in all other respects my life had ended. I knew that. I knew that I had caused my family to leave me because I had not been willing or able to stop drinking. I don’t know now whether I couldn’t stop or I wouldn’t stop (probably some of both), I just know that I didn’t stop. In my mind, I no longer had anything to live for. My family was gone. My employability was gone. My desire to make another stab at recovery was gone. My self-respect and integrity were gone. My faith in myself and God were gone. I had no reason, no purpose, nothing beyond where I was. I only had another miserable day on the street, in the elements, cold, sick, hungry, filthy, beaten in more ways than one, full of heartache, resentment, jealousy, fear, self-pity, self-loathing and hate. My only purpose each day was to figure out how I was going to drink myself into unconsciousness so that I couldn’t see or feel the hopelessness that each day brought. I didn’t want to wake up to another day of hustling, begging, stealing, cheating and doing what I had to do to stay alive, all of which were pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I didn’t believe in God anymore — I knew that the All Mighty, All Powerful, All Merciful God that I had been taught about in Sunday School would not let me, ME, live out there like a wild animal! I had lost all hope, and with that, I had lost the will to live. I didn’t care anymore if I lived or died.
Yet somehow, unbeknownst to me, God WAS there. I was just too covered up with my own “stuff” (heartache, self-pity, hate) and too busy trying to blot out that stuff to see Him. In the process, I had blotted Him out, too. I did not see that when my body finally screamed out for food that food was there. I did not see that the people I despised and hated, fought and scratched with, and told them I was BETTER THAN THEM were the very angels that God had sent to protect me. I did not see that the porch that I slept UNDER (because I would get arrested for trespassing if I slept ON) was His shelter. I did not see how much worse it could have been had my drug of choice been anything other than alcohol. I did not see that each day that I woke up breathing was another day closer to the day He would strike … the day I would be ready; when all of the things that had blocked me from following His lead in the past were brought into submission. The entitlement, the pride, the judgment, the dishonesty, the unwillingness to be obedient to His will for ME, for MY life, had to be surrendered so that I might not only obtain sobriety but also be effective in His world.
Now, let me rest on this for a second before I move on: I found out later that His will for me was not simply for me to quit drinking. It was for me to DO THE THINGS that He put before me each and every day, one day at a time, and that HE WOULD EQUIP ME with the tools to quit drinking! He would EMPOWER ME.
Note: I know these things now. I did not know them then. Hindsight is better than foresight but I am hoping that those of you who are listening will not be as hardheaded as me!
Moving on …
After wandering aimlessly IN THE WILDERNESS for 18 months, a series of events that only a God could have brought together led me and my friend, Jerry, from Galveston to Houston. The street was hard and mean in Houston. No beach, no everyone-knows-each other-and-watches-each-other’s-backs, no First Presbyterian Church serving breakfast fit for a king on Saturday mornings. As a matter of fact, all clothing and food supplies had been sent to Galveston to aid those still suffering from Hurricane Ike which had ravaged the island just six months before. The City is much harder, walking distances much further, people more desperate, dangerous and demanding. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t survive anymore. It was too hard. So I just laid down on the concrete underneath the Sabo Road overpass to die. I didn’t panhandle anymore, I didn’t beg anymore, I didn’t fight anymore. I laid down to die.
According to Jerry, I didn’t move from there for about two weeks, except to sit up long enough to drink myself back to sleep. I might have eaten a bite or two. I maybe even stumbled across the feeder road now and then to use the facilities at Jack In The Box, maybe not. I don’t know. I was in a blackout. I had only one lucid moment during that entire time that I remember well, so well that it feels like yesterday. It was night and I was alone in the dark. I was lying on my left side and in my fear, whether of death or of continuing to live, I thought of my children and, at that moment, they became my WHY. I didn’t care enough about myself to pray for my life but I cared enough about THEM to do just that. I turned onto my back and hearing the endless roar of the traffic overhead, I spoke out loud to God where He could hear me and I could hear myself. I spoke very precisely, almost demandingly and with my arm outstretched toward Heaven, I cried, “God, I know that You are up there. I have been taught that all my life. Now, I need Your help. Now! Because I’m going to die out here, Lord, and there are two little boys in Sugar Land that need a mother.” Just like that, just exactly like that, and then it was done. Amen and Amen.
I don’t know how much time passed between that prayer and being gently shaken awake by Tut: an hour, a day, two days. But alone again in the night in the exact same spot, I felt a nudge and I heard a voice saying, “Gay, get up and get in the truck. We’re going home.” I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t look around to see who I might take with me. I didn’t look around to see who might stop me. I didn’t even look around to see who it was. I simply got up off the concrete and walked to the truck, one foot in front of the other, each step closer and closer, remembering the prayer because it was the ONLY thing I could remember about the weeks prior, knowing with each step that God – that God — that’s all I knew, without a shred of doubt, — that God had heard my cry and had moved Heaven and Earth to save me! I became acutely aware in those miracle moments of the size and depth of the Love of God for a sinner like me. As I settled into the warm, soft, leather seat of the white Chevy Suburban that I had ridden in so many times and looked over to confirm that the man was indeed Tut, I was struck with an awe that I can’t possibly describe. That awe multiplied as we pulled away and I saw the bridge that I had tried to die under get smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. It was over.
It was OVER.
It was OVER.
My heart is pounding now as I bang this keyboard and I feel an urgency to cry my eyes out in more gratitude than I know how to express. In my mumbling and fumbling to find the words to describe those moments, I think of the words to a song by Francesca Battistelli. It goes like this:
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be.
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so beautiful, beautiful.
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful.
Gregg Taylor, my pastor and my sweet, sweet friend, also says that God never brings an end without offering a new beginning. I didn’t know HOW I was going to begin the climb out of hell. I just knew that I was going to begin. I was never the same after that night.
I have come undone.
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace.
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so beautiful, beautiful.
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful.
Praise Jesus, Love of my life.
I will never hear that song again the same way. Having a good cry. Praise God for He hears our cry in the darkness and brings us into His glorious light.
Praise be to God, Our Portion!!
Even from 1500 miles away, I can feel all the emotion, the power of post. What an incredible prayer and what encouragement for us all. Rejoicing with you in the power of the Living God!! He is amazing!
much love,
rachel
Thank you and Bless you.
That stirs such a deep sense of awe for what our Lord will do for those that cry out to him. Thank you I am grateful for you and to you. Praise be to God.
Yes. Susan has spoken the words I couldn’t find. Thank God for who He IS.
I have one word
“WOW”
Praise God for the Father’s indescribable love for all his children! His timing is perfect. Your story continues to bless my life and encourage me as I continue to pray and “wait” for the Father’s timing in my own son’s life. Tears of thanksgiving for you and your story and love for our dear Father.
Thank you so much for this blog today. I have 27 days sober for the first time in my adult life. I’ve had some disappointing things happen to me so I needed this today. Thank you.
Oh, Monica, we praise God for you and celebrate all 27 of those days! I pray that the enemy will completely lose this battle he has fought over your life and become very sorry he messed with you. Stand firm.
Monica, Praying that he multiplies those 27 days! Many hugs and prayers to you!!
Praying for you to be filled with HIS divine strength! Love you so much! Hang in there!!!
Monica,
Praying for you this very instant!
Oh Monica, that is so awesome! Praise God for those 27 days! Praying God continues to be your strength! Asking Jesus to continue to pour out his blessing on you! Thank you for sharing – Shawna
You can do this Monica! Ohhhh how I am praying for you!!
Monica, I’m saying a prayer for you right now, for strength and resolve and hope. Hang in there sister. God is good.
Bless you Monica! I pray you are encouraged and strengthened by the breadth and width and depth of God’s love for you.
Cling to Him and He will see you through!
Abba, Please bless my sister Monica in her journey through sobriety. Take each day and multiply it. May she see your hand in her situation and feel your embrace.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen!
praying for you right now. that god will remove fear from your heart.
Praying for you Monica! Praise God for 27 days.
Monica,
PRAISE JESUS FOR 27 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so inspired and moved by your post. Thank you so much for sharing. Beautiful!!!
Lauren
Oh Monica — Praise Jesus for your 27 days!! I was stunned when I had 27 consecutive days of sobriety. And then they just multiplied and multiplied. God honors sobriety so much, Monica. He will bless you beyond your wildest dreams. Its a crazy, twisty-turny road with lots of disappointments (real life!) BUT the good times, the glories, far out-weigh the disappointments. They will hold you through. I’ve often said that sobriety is the best gift I’ve ever been given in my life and that if its the only one I get, ITS ENOUGH!!! Remember this: There is nothing so bad (or disappointing) that a drink won’t make worse. Hang in there with me, my Sister. Its worth it. You’re worth it. Jesus is WORTH IT!!!!!
Loved you are,
Gay
AMEN to a drink making anything WORSE!
Just today, Monica! In the disappointment He provided Gay’s words and they helped you today. Trust Him for the rest of today, and then rest, knowing you can trust Him for tomorrow, too.
Dear Sister— Keep holding fast to HIM. Praying for you!
Monica – if you see this, today is day 28, and we are so proud of you! Keep going sister! God is able to deliver you – Run to Him!
Monica,
Praise Jesus!!! 27 days….that’s huge! I am praying protection over you. I’m also praying that God will make himself so real to you EACH day; that you will know the depth of His outrageous love for you.
He is for you.
He is STRONGER.
Hi Monica, I am hoping you have your 1 month of sobriety by now, as I am reading this 4 days after your post. I can remember when I first got sober, a lady with 30 days was such a beacon of light to me! 30 whole days, I thought! Here I am, 14 years and many disappointments AND TRIUMPHS later, still so blessed to say I have not had a drink in all that time. WE are in this together!
Love,
Fran
Monica,
I am fervently praying for you to stand firm against Satan’s attacks. You have accomplished so much and I know God is going to use you mightily. We love you and will be praying for strength and comfort for you. You have God’s incomparable resurrection power flowing through you!!
Wow! Wow! Wow! My eyes are stinging with tears of joy! All praise and glory to our God & King! I am so thankful for you sharing with us. So thankful to Him for His unfailing love. Praise the Lord for all He has done in you! 🙂
Psalm 113
Hallelujah! You who serve God, praise God!
Just to speak his name is praise!
Just to remember God is a blessing—
now and tomorrow and always.
From east to west, from dawn to dusk,
keep lifting all your praises to God!
God is higher than anything and anyone,
outshining everything you can see in the skies.
Who can compare with God, our God,
so majestically enthroned,
Surveying his magnificent
heavens and earth?
He picks up the poor from out of the dirt,
rescues the wretched who’ve been thrown out with the trash,
Seats them among the honored guests,
a place of honor among the brightest and best.
He gives childless couples a family,
gives them joy as the parents of children.
Hallelujah!
God is a mighty God. Praising him for you’re recovery. I know that feeling of crying out to him so desperate for anything other than where I am. Hugs to you!
Thank you, Gay, for sharing your story. I stalk Twitter waiting for Beth to say your next installment is posted! I’m praising God, exalting Him, amazed at your story. Thank you. Thank you.
Gay, you are a miracle and a treasure. Jesus saves! Thank you so much for remembering and sharing. Your story is bringing hope to many.
I’m about to cry!! God is awesome!
Yes, beautiful, beautiful….Thank you for sharing Gay….and Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift.
Gay thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. It is blessing me so much and giving me hope again that my husband can break free from his 17 yr drug addiction. Being a spouse of an addict had begun to make me very weiry but as I read your story I see there is hope no matter how many years have passed by.I will always stand by him because I know that God is faithful but sometimes the days,weeks and years seem so long as you wait. Your story has helped me to understand alot of the questions I have about whether he can’t stop or just doesn’t want to stop and that we have to put our trust in God alone. Thanks again for being willing to share your story. I have a feeling it is blessing more people than you could ever know.
praying for you sister…
Marcy,
Don’t give up on your husband, or on the God who can make all things new. I am praying for you tonight. I came on here to thank Gay, but I think I am supposed to pray for you and your husband, instead.
God has restored my marriage – different addiction, same merciful God.
May you feel his arms wrap around you extra tightly tonight!
You continue to bring me hope. And it seems in the moments I feel completely lost and abandoned, something comes along and reminds me of hope. Your story. Seeing you survived. Seeing you made it through and you are sober. Brings me hope. Gives me a moment of peace to stay sober another day. Thank you
Brittany — I look for your comments the minute that I get back to the blog. I have to tell you that YOU are giving me hope, my Sister. I have a great start, Brittany, but I have a long way to go as well. A lifetime. I don’t ever want to drink again and it takes a lot of work. But its so worth it, Brittany. Please hang in there and don’t give up. Do whatever you need to do so that you can do what you want to do. I’m praying for you always.
Loved you are,
Gay
He is faithful, Brittany!
Keep seeking first HIM! He will empower you!
So powerful! How great the Father’s love for us 🙂
He sees us where we are… even laying under a bridge. So much love to you and your family! Praising God for your deliverence and your wonderful testimony! May God continue to bless and use you to help those still seeking to be delivered.
Rejoicing with you <3
Dear Gay – OH. My. Word. I’m reading this amazing post by this incredible woman and I get to the end and am utterly blown away. What a blessing to know that Franny’s song has been a help to you in your healing. I am sending her the link to this post so she can read your story because I know she will be beyond thrilled to have a tiny part in it, to be part of the story of what God is using to bring you into your full purpose and destiny in Him.
My mama’s heart is blessed too and I am praying for you that God will continue to show Himself strong on your behalf and pour out His blessings on your life. He can do exceedingly abundantly above ALL you can ask or think! Thank you for your brutal honesty and awe-inspiring transparency. Your story is going to touch so many.
Oh, Kate, I am slack-jawed. How “beautiful” of God to bring this all the way around so that each person He handpicked and involved can give Him the praise He is so worthy of. I will text Gay right away and tell her that we’ve heard from you. Blessings to you, my dear sister and fellow mom to a mighty fine daughter. We are so glad you are here!
Oh Kate! — I am absolutely blown away!! Not surprised though at this Mind Blowing God of ours. He just keeps showing up and showing off in the biggest ways, doesn’t He? You can tell “Franny” that I heard her song on a WOW CD that my boss, Suzanne, had given me. The very first time that I slowed down long enough to listen to the words “like sunlight burning at midnight,” my first thought was THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT FELT LIKE, that night, that night under the bridge: Like sunlight burning at midnight. I remember exactly where my car was sitting when I heard those words and I think that now, its my theme song. I have lots of those today!! Oh this Crazy Love of Jesus is so unreal, yet its REAL. Happy Valentine’s Day to ALL OF US!!
Loved you are,
Gay
I am now crying the ugly cry, oh the beauty of God’s unfathomable love for us!! That he would orchestrate such moments all for us and His glory!!
I love you too Abba!!!
Thank you Gay, many hugs from me to you!
Oh Gay-
I pray I get to meet you some day to hug you and tell you what a blessing you are to all of us! Everyone who’s reading your story (which I hope you turn into a book) is being touched and reminded of the goodness and relentless love of God. And reminded that it’s not over till it’s over and it’s never too late for God to reach into our lives and rescue us. His light is the only thing that can pierce our wretched darkness and turn our ashes into something beautiful!
Franny emailed me to say how amazed she was by your story. It’s a thrill for her to know that her songs are having an impact and making a difference.
How exciting to see what God is doing in your life and the chapters he is writing in you now that are going to impact many, many lives! Can’t wait to see what comes next!
Blessings to you!
Tears are falling down my face! Such a moving moment and yet so painful. Thank you for sharing!
I have been at the bottom, desperately seeking a reason to live! I am so thankful God loves us as we are! I will pray for you, Gay. Thank you for sharing.
Me, too, Christy. Not with alcohol or drugs, but struggles just the same. So hard to say the words. You’re not alone.
Hi Gay,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us…. I am glued to the screen each time. I was especially touched today, because as I was reading your story, I was listening to that exact Francesca battistelli song! God is so beautiful and faithful. You are blessing us all so richly with your story… thank you sister!
Beautiful. Holy. Glorious.
Redemption. Love. Divine.
Gay,
My adopted niece loves to “fist-bump” when she gets excited about something. I’m sending you a “fist-bump!” What a powerful piece of your story.
Marie
Gay and Beth –
Thank you again for sharing your story. My heart is so full right at this moment, that I do not know if I can express what I want to. My Bible study ladies and I are currently studying Daniel – and last night’s video session was on Chapter 4 – another dream of King Neb. Beth mentioned a time when God humbled her pride. I, too, have experienced humbling – but not near to the degree you or your sister have. I know that it is because of what God has allowed me to learn from the page and not from the field trip.
Beth – I am so encouraged to continue to pray for my sister.
Thank you both from the very bottom of my heart.
Kelly
Kelly — I love your words: “God has allowed me to learn from the page and not from the field trip.” I am so hoping that is my experience from here on out! I was raised in church, the same church as Beth, but my knowledge of the scriptures is limited. I do have my favorites though, ones that have absolutely changed my life! I’m looking for Praying God’s Word in the Kindle Store this very night. Thanks so much for your comment, Kelly.
Loved you are,
Gay
What beautiful faith!!!! Your story offers so much hope. Thank you for sharing!
Beautiful. Wonderfully Beautiful.
On Saturday my husband went to see his dad that had been missing for over eight years. He had been found in a nursing home with full blown Alzheimer. Prior to that – he’d lived on the street in Tulsa OK. He was an alcoholic. We have thanked the Lord that he was found alive. We have praised the Lord that he has a bed each night. My husband grew up with an alcoholic father his entire life – in and out of their lives. As we have been processing this – I prayed last night that I could understand what his life was like all those years. Today – I saw this on facebook. Thank you for sharing your testimony and walk. Our Lord is so faithful and loving and full of grace and mercy. I thank Him for delivering you as only He can. I thank Him for delivering my father-in-law as only He could. We now pray that the Lord rebuilds this family as He has been doing yours – for His glory! God Bless You!!
Thanks for sharing your story! It gives God such GLORY! We have a friend who has a similar story, he is learning to walk with Jesus (he didn’t grow up in a very stable home) his son is living with us while he gets well and is growing in the Lord, and WE are the ones who are so blessed seeing God work!! God Bless you!!
Praise God for your testimony Gay! And yes Monica- stand firm!!!
Tears. So very touching. God is so amazing and I just love it that Tut was the one that nudged you and said, “We’re going home.” SO thankful for grace….so so thankful!
Praise You, LORD! Bless Gay richly today as she testifies to Your faithfulness! Carry Monica through the rest of the day, giving her strength and HOPE for tomorrow — in YOU! Empower Monica to keep holding on to You, and fill her with the knowledge of your deep, filling, faithful love!
Praise God!
Just makes me want to hug God for all I’m worth. When we all see Jesus, what a day of rejoicing.
Thank you for your transparency and for sharing your pain. May God use your courage mightily.
Another powerful message. Thank you, Gay and Beth for allowing such vulnerability to encourage and bless each of us in our own walk/struggles with our faith and our Marvelous Lord.
This is such an incredible story of God’s love for us. I am so touched by that as I read your story … He loves us so.
Thank you for bearing your soul to all of us, giving us all some hope! Prayers going up!
What a blessing this is Gay to have you share your journey with us. I thank God for His protection of you during those dark years! I know your story is touching many and bringing hope! Thank you Gay for sharing your story! God bless you as you continue on this journey of life.
HE is relentless! Gracious and Merciful Father. We thank you and love you. Thank you for sharing Gay.
I’m sitting here with tears streaming…Gay, you are an AMAZING woman. Thank you for sharing your story, one of Faith, Hope and Love! I pray that God will reach into the heart of every one of us who reads this to reach out to those who may be hurting. Being judgemental has been a fault of mine, one that I’ve struggled with until studying under Beth’s teaching and this just further opens my mind to LOVE rather than judge! You have a beautiful heart!
It never ceases to amaze me at the lengths that God will go to find and restore his lost sheep. He always does it in HIS perfect timing. I am in awe that God sent your husband to you! WOW…what a powerful and loving God we serve!!
Gay, your story is incredible. Thank you for continuing to share with us. Also, please do not stop writing. Your style of writing takes me in every time. Can’t wait to hear more of your story!
Sobbing…thank you for every word.
Thank you Gay, for sharing the power of Jesus and how big his love for us is!
I imagine this is a very familiar song to everyone but after reading your latest installment Gay, it’s ringing in my mind….complete with the crenshendo of trumpets and the vibration of the kettle drums! “It Is Finished” by Bill and Gloria Gaither….here’s the lyrics:
“There’s a line that is drawn through the ages
On that line stands an old rugged cross
On that cross, a battle is raging
To gain a man’s soul or it’s loss
On one side, march the forces of evil
All the demons, all the devils of hell
On the other, the angels of glory
And they meet on Golgotha’s hill
The earth shakes with the force of the conflict
And the sun refuses to shine
For there hangs God’s son, in the balance
And then through the darkness he cries
It is finished, the battle is over
It is finished, there’ll be no more war
It is finished, the end of the conflict
It is finished and Jesus is Lord
Yet in my heart, the battle was still raging
Not all prisoners of war had come home
These were battlefields of my own making
I didn’t know that the war had been won
Oh, but then I heard the king of the ages
Had fought all the battles for me
And that victory was mine for the claiming
And now praise his name, I am free.”
God bless you Gay for being willing to share your story with us!
Marilyn…in Mississippi
AMAZING—-YOU are but oh how much more HE is. Praying for you and thanking God for the amazing Green Sisters.
All I can say is THANK YOU!!! Thank you God and thank you for sharing your story and giving His hope!!!
As I count my blessings today, Gay, you are at the top of the list. You give me hope that someone very close to me will be able to “climb out of hell.” Thank you 🙂
oh my goodness! now that is cool! i have so many questions! how did tut know where to find you? so looking forward to the next installment! oh i love how He (the Lord) rescued you! He is so good!
Gay – what a moment, that turning point – “THAT GOD”
So thankful that you are sharing your story and your journey out of the pit – praying that as you share, God uses your words to encourage everyone who reads them.
Gay I am so glad you are sharing your journey here. There are so many of us living with some side of addiction, from the family of those affected to the individual him or herself. I am so thankful you are walking in victory today and I will continue to pray for you and yours.
So powerful, thanks for sharing and pouring your heart out. Our God IS MIGHTY TO SAVE!
Tears…no words other than THANK YOU…