My Sister Gay’s Third Installment: The Maelstrom

First installment. Meet My Sister.

Second installment. The Functioning Years.

My beloved Sisters, my coworkers and I have been praying hard for Gay as she labored to minister to you over this last week by reliving a descent into darkness. I ask for you to pray for her, too. True depth of ministry is rarely without cost. Can you imagine how furious the devil is at her?? Please thank God in advance for being her Shield and her Fortress, her Refuge and her Strength. I have no words to express my gratitude to her and my boastfulness in the Lord because of her. She is a true miracle. So am I. So are you. Oh, that we’d know it! In Tuesday night Bible study right now, we are making six stops in the Book of Deuteronomy to behold the divine law of love. To me, it is no coincidence that Gay handed in this entry on the very day that I am preparing a lesson on REMEMBERING. Once again, my sister. My hero.


From Gay…

Hi Sisters!
As I proofread the final draft of my last post, I was even taken aback at how NON-functioning the functioning years were! I thought my life was manageable because to the outside world, I appeared to be functioning (as far as I knew) but alone and inside my head, the battle raged. I remember driving to the liquor store one afternoon after vowing not to drink that day for the zillionth time and meaning it, tears streaming down my cheeks, wanting so badly not to WANT it yet consumed with the overwhelming NEED to have it. Understand, Siestas, that there are drinkers out there who are functioning and always will. They are what we alcoholics want to be. We are wannabees!  Bill Wilson described it so perfectly like this, “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.”

There is no way for me to describe accurately or list wholly the events that occurred during the next ten years of my so-called life. I can’t even piece them all together myself. It was an endless cycle of drinking to feel “normal” or somewhat happy and functional, followed by not being able to stop at “normal,” followed by the negative consequences associated with intoxication (never positive consequences!), followed by more shame and guilt than I thought I could take, followed by self-medication, followed by more negative consequences and down the tubes I went. A maelstrom is defined on Wikipedia as “a very powerful whirlpool; a large, swirling body of water. A free vortex; it has considerable downdraft.” Although I had been severely warned yet still believed I was EXEMPT, I was beginning the swift descent into pure, alcoholic destruction and SELF-destruction.

By this time, my little “drinking problem” was becoming blatantly obvious to the outside world, my extended family included, and I was confronted. They dragged me out of the closet kicking and screaming and, as you can imagine, it did not go well. My response to that was outrage, blaming them for what they had done to CAUSE me to drink in the first place (all the way down to my parents!), withdrawal from the family and isolation.  Alcohol had moved itself up my diseased brain’s priority list to the Number 1 position. It came first, period, end of paragraph. No matter how much I wanted my children to come first, the alcohol was FIRST!! It screamed at me to feed it!  I did have a few periods of sobriety during this time, mostly in treatment, and I prayed for God to deliver me but I never did what God had put in front of me to do time and time again, so I never found the freedom that He had waiting for me on the other side. Because “Faith without works is dead, Gay!” (James 2:17) Consequently, each period of sobriety was followed by still worse relapse followed by more of the same.

It went something like this:

In 2002, I asked my employer of many years for a 6-month leave of absence.  Tut and I were finally able to live on one income and I was exhausted!  I had worked hard with virtually no time off since Zach was 2 years old and he was finishing his junior year in high school.  I needed rest, quality time with our children and, besides, I needed to put this blasted drinking problem to bed once and for all.  What do we say about an idle mind being the devil’s workshop?  Bingo!!  I quit working — He worked OVERTIME.  I had too much leisure time alone, no coping skills and no tools to fight the battle raging inside my head.  I had no relationship with God although I attended church every single Sunday morning.  I had no support group.  My friends were all at work and I had withdrawn from my family.  And, very key point, I had the disease of alcoholism.  Perfect cocktail (pardon the pun) to bring down the proud, the entitled, the exempt.  My drinking moved into the early afternoon, then morning, then round the clock. Alcohol quickly invaded every nook, cranny and pore of my existence.  I laughed and cried with it, I raged and soothed with it, I celebrated and mourned with it, I went to bed with it and I got up with it, I loved it and I hated it.  When I asked for an additional 6 months of LOA because I was too sick both mentally and physically to go back to work, I was denied and laid off instead.  I had survived every single downturn that my company had been through.  My life was there, my friends were there, my self-worth was there.  My heart was broken.  Again.  More medication please!!

In 2003, I went to my first inpatient rehabilitation facility in the beautiful Texas hill country.  It was one of the finest treatment centers in the country and not cheap!  It employed the best Big Book instructor I’ve ever heard to date, even now.  Some of his words got through and I related more to what was written in the book, however, I still had not reached a place of full surrender.  I was still different, special, proud.  I would not humble myself to do the work that was asked of me — to do as thousands had done before me who had STAYED SOBER.  That stuff still did not apply to me.  Not to ME!!  I stayed there 28 days at a cost of $16,000.00 (its more now!) and could not wait to order a glass of wine on the flight home.  After all, I had abstained 4 full weeks.  I had proved that I could do it.  Let’s celebrate!  I was drunk when Tut picked me up from the airport and he was livid, to put it mildly.  A few months later, he asked me to leave the house that we had lived in for 17 years and where we had raised our children.  Zach had just graduated from high school and Josh was 8 years old.  I moved because I could not argue with him.  I knew I was out of control and I knew why he was asking me to leave.  Although I tried to justify and rationalize and blame HIM, I knew the truth in my heart.  It was not a safe environment for the children.  Period.  I walked out that door and never returned for any significant time period until about 1025 days ago in mid-April of 2009 — almost 6 years later.  The loss of my little family, Tut included, was by far the greatest loss of my life.  My feelings after the death of my mother (which I never felt, by the way) could not hold a candle to the heartache and grief I suffered at putting my family on death’s altar.  I was never the same after that.  I not only had given up the desire to control. I gave up hope.

During the following years:


  • I was charged with 3 counts of Driving While Intoxicated which left me incarcerated in the most overcrowded county jail in the United States of America, Harris County Jail, which holds 10,000 inmates.  By God’s pure grace and mercy, I did not get a felony conviction on the third charge and did not kill anyone!  I could have; I should have.  But God.
  • I lost my driving privileges and owed the State of Texas $7,800.00 in surcharges to reinstate them.  At this point, it did not occur to me to give up drinking.  I would give up driving instead!
  • I received a 23-page Final Decree of Divorce from my husband of 22 years while I was incarcerated.  I could not appear to protest it and wouldn’t have been able to anyway, even had I been free.  It granted full parental custody of our minor child to my now ex-husband giving me supervised visits only.  It contained a Permanent Injunction that prohibited me from going to Josh’s residence, school, or any extra-curricular activities.  I was able to call him or write to him ONLY with his father’s permission.
  • I went to 3 more inpatient treatment centers, all state-funded, the last being in Galveston and long-term.  After spending 4 months there, I was successfully discharged at noon and in the liquor store before closing time that very night.
  • I lived alone and tried to drink myself to death many times in 4 different apartments after leaving my home in Sugar Land.  I walked out of all four of those living spaces with nothing but the clothes on my back, leaving everything behind.  I lost all of my personal items including pictures, jewelry, keepsakes, high school memorabilia, artwork by me and my children, furniture, appliances, clothes, etc.
  • I lived in one halfway house in Galveston 3 different times.  Again by the grace of God, they had allowed me to return after I had relapsed twice.

In August of 2007, while at R-House in Galveston, I finally got a much-needed break after a few weeks of sobriety.  I interviewed successfully and got a great job at the Galveston County Courthouse as Administrative Assistant to the I.T. Manager (Information Technology).  Since I had an I.T. background from my last place of employment, it was right up my alley.  I was excited about the opportunity and had hope for a future.  Finally!  I was also very optimistic about getting on with “normal” life and giving up living in treatment centers and halfway houses.  I quickly put down a deposit on an 1894 Victorian four-plex apartment, all hardwood floors, very nice, walking distance from my new job.  I was also dating a really nice man (big red flag!) from a Narcotics Anonymous group in Galveston.  He was funny, well-liked, and had solid sobriety.  It wasn’t the first time I had gotten side-tracked with a relationship.  I would invariably put the relationship first, rather than the sobriety, thinking that the love of a man would be enough to sustain me through anything, especially a SOBER man!  I later saw that I had a pattern of putting anything, everything, even the important things BEFORE sobriety, and that I would always, ALWAYS end in relapse and inevitably lose those things. I moved into my apartment on a Friday and tried to contact my so-called “boyfriend” on Saturday.  He did not respond.  He did not respond for hours.  He had gone to a recovery function without me.  I was furious.  How do I handle furious???

Drink, of course.  I will never EVER forget this, my last relapse.  After all I had lost, after all of the bullet points listed above plus more that I can’t even remember, after all of the warnings and having been beaten down time and time again, I STILL THOUGHT that I could do it one more time and that no harm would come of it.  I slung my purse over my shoulder and headed out the door at a fast pace to the liquor store to get … a pint, of course!  By the time I got there, I had talked myself into a fifth because I wouldn’t want to return should I need more. I bought a quart, drank from it on the way back and the beast came forth!!!  I called in sick to work on Monday, again on Tuesday, didn’t call at all on Wednesday or Thursday and got fired on Friday.

I was baffled, confused, embarrassed and had no way to pay next month’s rent.  After countless vain attempts at asking for help from my family with promises of sobriety in return, I didn’t even ask for their help.  I was homeless a month later and outside with the others who were both wandering aimlessly and drinking themselves into oblivion because they/WE could not face another day.

“The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From His temple He heard my voice.” Psalm 18:4-6a


(End of third installment. To be continued soon in the fourth installment.)

Sisters, this is back to Beth now. That’s one incredibly powerful entry, isn’t it? Revisit Gay’s words, “I gave up hope.” Many of us know what that’s like. Oh, how the enemy of our souls delights to walk us to that despairing place one step at a time. You are welcome to respond to Gay in your comments to this post any way you feel prompted but, in addition, I’d also like to ask you to consider doing something else. Consider sharing a time when you, too, had given up hope…

but God….

Maybe somebody needs to hear just a few lines of your story, too. You are treasured here at LPM. And, far more significantly, you are the treasured possession of the God of all Creation. Believe Him about you.



436 Responses to “My Sister Gay’s Third Installment: The Maelstrom”

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  1. 201
    jill_in_AL says:

    Gay – I was thrilled to see Chapter 3 on the blog this morning. Your words and story have captured me. I believe that I live and work around many women who may be somewhere in your story. The functioning dysfunction is scary.

    Today’s story was, of course, very sad. I’ve watched a couple of dreams die and had to give them up to the Lord because He wanted something different than I but I don’t know if I’ve ever given up hope. May it never be! and may you inspire and spur us all to cling to the Hope we profess for He who promised is faithful.

    Bless you for sharing, bless you for living the hard life, bless you for doing the hard work.

    We have a Momma Siesta and now a Hero Siesta!

  2. 202
    Kelly says:

    Thank you for sharing your story! Thank you for being brave enough to do this, and praise God for what He has done for you! I haven’t battled addictions in my life, but there was a time about 6 years ago where I was just consumed with fear and worry. About everything. Honestly, after reading some of the things these sweet ladies have endured or are enduring now, I am too embarrassed to put into print some of the meaningless and trivial things that kept me up nights in fear and worry. However that fear was overwhelming to me and it was eating me alive. But GOD…

    God didn’t leave me in my fear and worry, praise Him! But He did allow a lot of those very specific things (some of them trivial, some not) I feared so much to happen in my life. He has shown me over and over again that He is faithful, and that there is nothing too hard for Him. He brought me through all of those things I had feared so much, and worried myself sick over so needlessly. Today I don’t live in fear because I know that my God loves me and that He is in complete control. Nothing happens to me or in my life that He does not allow for His own good purposes, and for my good. He has set me free, and I am forever grateful. I never want to relive those awful nights again, but I don’t want to forget them either.

    • 202.1
      Gay says:

      Kelly — I am so happy that you shared this today! Do you know that just about EVERYTHING is about fear? Bill Wilson wrote,”It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.” I’m pretty sure that its no coincidence that the most repeated command in the Bible is “Do Not Be Afraid.” It is so key, soooo key. If we all trusted our most wise God with the outcome of things, then there would be no need for worry and a lot of other things like dishonesty, control and manipulation.

      I don’t know if you noticed when I was writing about the cycle, I wrote, “more shame and guilt than I thought I could take.” I’ve walked through that shame and guilt now, right through it, barreled through it, and it didn’t kill me. It made me stronger, wiser, sober-ER. But the FEAR of it was more than I could take, so I drank. There are many out there stricken with fear that need to hear what you have to say. You go girl!!! Thanks so much for commenting.

      Together with you in the journey, my Sister,

  3. 203

    Gay, thank you for sharing. Your post was healing to me in a totally unexpected way. I grew up with major abuse at the hands of two alcoholic parents. My father was a violent drunk, my mother was a hide her bottle/pass out drunk. My father incestuously abused me with my mom’s full knowledge and permission. She kept notebooks, filling up two with incidents.

    My healing began when I, as an adult, was able to forgive my parents for their abuse. But, as I continue my healing journey, there are pockets of unforgiveness that emerge. Your post showed me how much the devil had my parents in his clutches through alcohol.

    Yes, they made their choice to drink, but I was able to forgive them on a different level today because of what you shared.

    When I was counseling with my pastor, he often told me that God was not the one to blame for my abuse (I no longer do that and actually asked God to forgive me for mischaracterizing Him – He said, “That’s okay Heather, at least you were tailing to Me.”) But today, after reading your testimony, I see how firmly the enemy had my parents in his grip, so I have a new level of forgiveness for my parents.

    I keep you in pray and thank you for sharing from your heart. God is truly remarkable in how He brings healing to us. God bless you.

    • 203.1
      Gay says:

      Heather — I’m about to cry my eyes out, my precious new friend. I am also seeing that God is not just using my story but ALL OUR STORIES to give hope to our Sisters, our Siestas, our fellow sojourners, maybe even a Brotha or two that might be peeking. Wink. I bet they are. You are so courageous, Heather, and KUDDOS on the forgiveness. It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free!!.

      Loved you are,

  4. 204
    Joan says:

    As I have read your 3 installments, it seems as though you are writing “my” story. I would only need to replace the alcohol with anorexia/bulimia. For 16 years, I was in the bonds of this vicious master. In and out of inpatient treatment centers, in therapy and going to OA meetings. I was a member of Beth’s Sunday School class and praying and hoping for God’s deliverance from my addiction. I lost a marriage, friends, and relationships that couldn’t be repaired. I’m embarrassed for so much of my behavior and actions throughout those years. I would have lost my job except for the grace of God. With a praying mother and other family members, God worked a miracle and saved me from my addiction almost 19 years ago. It wasn’t the timing that I would have thought I could start my abstinence but it was God’s timing. Thanks be to God that he chose me and saved me from a wasted life. Only to be a sold out Christian and able to share and live what He has done for me…that’s my prayer.

  5. 205
    Ruth says:

    Gay, thanks so much for your honesty, and reminder
    That God can do anything.
    I’ve been married to a functioning, non-believer
    For almost 29 years. To everyone else he looks
    Like a guy who has a few beers. I know he goes
    Every day from work to the to Get beer, and Drinks all evening. On his days off
    He starts at 10:00 am. By 7 or 8 hes in bed,
    And im alone. It’s hard. He wonders
    Why i dont want to go anywhere with him. The
    I know that only God can save him from this.
    When I try to talk to him about it he laughs.

  6. 206
    Kelly says:

    Truly you are an inspiration. I mean this as sincerely as I can…..I can’t even give up sugar. I’ve tried. So the reality of you giving up an addiction that has held you hostage for years is so amazing to me. God bless you. You have blessed me with your honesty. I cried this morning when I read about you losing custody of your children. I know that must’ve been the worst part of the whole ordeal. Praise God that he can restore the years of the locusts.
    I wanted to leave my husband for reasons that are too many to discuss, but God.
    You are loved. You are redeemed. You are precious.

    • 206.1
      Gay says:

      Kelly — I can’t give up sugar either. Matter of fact, don’t get between me and my SUGAR!! I have, however, cut way down since I started this journey. Its manageable today. FYI: The good part is coming. God has restored my family over and above my wildest dreams. I am living the dream, His dream, not mine. His is BETTER THAN MINE. Thanks so much for your comment, my Sister.

      Loved you are,

  7. 207
    Anonymous says:

    I am so thankful for you, Gay. I’m thankful that you’re sharing your testimony. I had to divorce my husband of over 20 years because he is a ‘functioning’ alcoholic and because of other issues I don’t feel comfortable talking about…not yet anyway. I still pray for him. I love him because he’s the father of two awesome children. I feel like the most counseled person in the USA! I had three counselors tell me it is time to get out of the marriage…to protect the kids and me and have the hope that he will get help only be prepared for it to be permanent. I did not listen. After his 4th job loss in the over 20 years, and having a car reposessed, losing a house to foreclosure, and wondering what in the world would happen next, I felt God telling me to get out of the marriage. So, I did. I prayed for God to take that cup from me. I took my marriage vow very seriouisly and prayed if this is not from you, Lord, please close the doors that are leading to divorce. He opened all of the doors wider and I really felt Him saying “Get out so I can deal with him to save his soul!” So, I did. He still has not hit bottom. I cannot imagine what his bottom will be. I do pray that he realizes his problem and gets help and that he comes to truly know the LORD before it’s eternally too late.

    Thanks again for sharing your life with us and for being proof that God is The Great Physician! I pray God blesses you in every way possible.

  8. 208
    Cindy says:

    Oh how blessed we are to have a Father that can deliver us from any and all trials and who has such unending and unconditional love and mercy for us!! I can’t even begin to wrap my little brain around just how AWESOME He is!

    Thank you to Gay and the others who have shared your stories. You are an inspiration and a true testimony to the power of our Lord.

    About 3 years ago, I went through a terrible, ugly divorce and custody battle. I was broken, trying to do it on my own. Afraid, angry, lost, hopeless. Then my wonderful friend asked me to go to her church with her for what must have been the 100th time. Praise God, I went and that was the beginning of my new life!! How different it is when Christ is in your life. Knowing Him, loving Him, having a relationship with Him has transformed me. I still have trials, problems and difficulties like we all do, but I can face them with confidence, faith and trust because I know that my Lord will be with me every step of the way. Who would have known that there is so much freedom and peace in surrender?!

    “As for me, I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more.” Psalm 71:14.

    • 208.1
      Trinna says:


      Your post touched my heart. Praise God for His work in your life! The verse you quoted at the end is the “life verse” I chose for my daughter, Hope.

      I lost hope when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, cancer and infertility at 28 years old. I felt I could not survive the reality and just wanted out of reality. But God!!! He pulled me through and gave me hope and joy in Him. My daughter was born 4 years later.

      Satan has tried to steal my hope again two more times since then – a second cancer diagnosis and my husband’s betrayal. But God! He had prepared me for these fights and I was, by His grace, able to cling to Him. He is making all things new – in my body and in my marriage.

      Gay, your story is amazing, and all these stories in the comments are amazing. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m reminded of something I’ve heard Beth say on more than one occassion, “Want He more praise?” She would probably use caps lock in this case! 🙂

  9. 209
    Kim Safina says:


    ((((((((((((HUGS ))))))))))))))))))

    God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1 NLT

    It has been a privilege to read your touching words.
    YOU are such a blessing!!!!

    God has been with you through every circumstance.

    Your words are a TESTIMONY of the DISCIPLINE,DEDICATION,DESIRE,DREAMS that you continue to live each day!

    Be strong and of a good courage.
    Deuteronomy 31:23 KJV

    I am uplifting you, daily in prayer!!

    Gay, I have found the best way to reduce the size of troubles is to compare them to the size of blessings.
    Correction is instructional; encouragement is motivational.

    I have learned that a sense of humor is a sign of sanity.

    Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths.
    Psalm 25:4 KJV
    Thank you for sharing your heart and journey with us!!!!

    Praying a peaceful life in a difficult world,
    Kim Safina

    PS. I will be praying for Brittany ~ February 6th @ 9:02pm

  10. 210
    Michelle says:

    Dearest Gay…thank you for being brave enough to share your story. All glory to God. I have never fought the beast of alcohol, by God’s grace, but I have fought (and still have skirmishes with) the monster of depression. I have been to the deep, dark cavern of “lost hope”. I’ve thought of ending my own life on a few occassions…but God. He pulled me through…He gave me strength to get back up…and He gave me visions of my children if I were to do it and I couldn’t bear what I saw. Today, by His grace alone, I am doing well. Medication, which I thank Him for, helps but it is His working in my heart and mind that keeps me focused. It is the promise that He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me that girds me and gives me hinds’ feet on high places. There are days when the monster knocks on my door but now I try my best to let Him answer it. With a husband to be a partner to and four children (two of them with special needs), to raise I cannot afford to let the monster win. As I grow I am seeing that it is NOT ME that can beat it. It is only the amazing, endless, supernatural power of our God that can save me. So…once again, thank you dear sister for sharing your testimony. And know that, although we all face different monsters, God is able and His love knows no bounds.

  11. 211
    Pamela Houston says:

    Ohhh! Tears streaming….when all hope is gone, but GOD!
    Gay, you are my hero too! Your ability to word this battle is stunning. You’ve given me words to describe my battle, only it wasn’t alcohol, it was food! And you can’t just give up food! This is a direct quote from you but it explains my dilemma: “It was the endless cycle of (eating)in order to feel normal or somewhat happy and functional, followed by not being able to stop at “normal” followed by the negative consequences of shame and blame (my thyroid condition) and my guilt at being (a yo-yo dieter)!” Every diet was followed the insane notion: “Now I am normal and I can eat what I want!” My husband one time even cried over my weight and said: “You would think at least you could do it for me!” This made me even madder – yet still even more shamewas loaded on with more guilt. Here I was a Bible teacher, in leadership and what kind of example was I? Oh, I had faith and I would “work it” too, only to be met with a never-ending cycle of yo-yo. Finally about 1 1/2 years ago I determined I would accept my weight (40 lbs over the normal weight for my height and age) and whatever I would eat, I would eat in faith. I would not be on a “diet” anymore, since it ended up being law-orientation to me, and thus produced sin (more weight!) The yo-yo stopped with me at 40 lbs.overweight. I cried out, I confessed, I consented. I made an index card book out of all the prayers in Beth’s Book Get Out of That Pit, and said them over and over. On Christmas Day 2011 deliverance came. God spoke to me in sterling clarity: “Satan’s power is broken!” What has transpired is a miracle. My husband and I submitted together to a 40 day “Daniels fast” and eating protocol. I am down 19 lbs as of today and have 21 more to go. Graciously of the LORD,my husband actually had more pounds to lose than I and I am ahead of him by 2 lbs, and now am out of the hated “obese” category as defined by BMI charts. The LORD also opened up a “free” exercise course, 3 days a week, given by our Community College district at our Community Senior Center and I am moving and grooving to the music, finding out about my core strength and celebrating in “stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ has set you free and be not entangled with the yoke of bondage, for brethren, Christ has called you to liberty, but use not your liberty as an occasion of the flesh, but by love, serve one another!” Thank you Gay, and thank you Beth for helping me put words into my experience and relate the power of alcoholism and sugar…both life robbers.

  12. 212
    Kristin says:

    Thank you Gay! Thank you for blessing us and encouraging us. Thank you for your courage and your obedience to the Lord Jesus Christ, our Glory! (I’m learning alot from Beth’s James study)! :o)) I just get so excited when I hear others’ stories of redemption, because I know that God is getting the glory, seeds are being sown and the harvest is coming! I look forward to your next installment.

  13. 213
    Nee Nee says:

    Gay – I just wanted to say thank you for being willing to REMEMBER and to share your story. I have a friend that has just begun the AA process after being in a maelstrom of his own. I am sending your blog postings to him as an encouragement, and just this weekend over lunch he thanked me because they have become so meaningful to him as he proceeds with his recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. He told me to make sure he gets them all because ‘you’re speaking his language.’

    May God continue to bless you as you bear much fruit in THE PROMISED LAND of the new covenant!

  14. 214
    jewelsbb says:

    Sweet, brave sister Gay,thank you, thank you, for your courage, perseverance, and giving glory to the One and Only! I think my favorite two words in all of the English language are, “But God!” I, like you, took a descent into hell…as a believer! I should have at least 10 illegitimate children, But God;I should have OD’d, But God;I should have every conceivable sexual disease, But God;I should have psycho children, But God;and I should have died by my own hand…BUT GOD.To my siestas that have shared and are struggling to forgive themselves and believe that the Lord looks upon you with disgust…His grace and mercy are wider than the ocean,His heart so tender towards you,His strong arm reaches down to the deepest pit and will lift you to unimaginable freedom! Believe God…He’s the real thing.

    All is grace x 1,000,000,000,

  15. 215
    colette says:

    I am counting on God to do a “but God” moment in my son’s life right now and then I will tell about it later!!!! 🙂
    Please pray! Thanks siestas!!!

  16. 216
    colette says:

    I am counting on God to do His “but God” moment in my son’s life right now and then I will tell you all about it later!! 🙂
    Please pray for him! Thank you siestas!!

  17. 217
    J says:

    Gay, what a testimony of God’s grace! Thank you for sharing. I have a relative, whom I dearly love, that is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. I so tenderly wish that she had someone like you who could invest in her life and who could understand her pain!

    All that to say, Gay, I pray that you actively seek out opportunities to help women struggling with alcoholism. It seems that this would be the greatest slap in the face to the enemy, to use what has caused such great destruction in your life for the redemption of others!

    As for my story of hope, well, it’s ongoing and I’m not quite sure what to do with it or how to redeem it. I tend to overthink just about everything and I have a propensity toward depression. This makes me feel alone, sometimes, in sharing my testimony, because it is not as if I have this “ah ha” experience where all my struggles are gone and life is now filled with joy, etc, like some testimonies are. Some times of life are more difficult than others, but this pesty little depression just follows me around. Maybe it is because I haven’t really found freedom, or at least the extent of what I can have as a Christian. But some times were definitely worse than others. Can anyone relate to me? Any advice here?

    I can say, however, that God has in recent years brought me out of one of the deepest pits I have ever found myself in. I was an earnest Christian, and followed (thought I was obeying) God in going to seminary. But it was there that somehow I became very angry at God over his word. I can’t explain it, and it seems that no one can ever relate, but I was angry that God seemed to think so little of women (particularly women in ministry). I was so angry once that I tore an entire Bible into shreds – a study Bible, at that, and the one that I read when I had first fallen for Jesus in High School.

    It’s been a slow healing, and I don’t even know that I’m healed fully yet. What healing would even look like, I don’t know, because, like I said depression is an ongoing struggle for me. But, I can say that I believe with all of my heart that God does love and value women, and that any excuses people make in using the Bible to subjugate or denigrate women, they’re wrong. I believe that God desires to use women in ministry, even to preach. The “Beth Moore’s” of the world are God’s desire, not just the “John Piper’s.” And I think this extends not just to women’s ministry, but also for things such as pastoring, chaplaincy, and scholarship – writing commentaries and things. God wants to use women, too.

    I realize my story isn’t neatly packaged. It’s raw, and that is because my faith in the Lord right now is a bit raw. It’s a strange combination of longing to love Jesus with all of my heart combined with an odd disillusionment with Christians and theology and study. I can say this though, that I long that somehow, someday, God will redeem my story of despair and depression for his glory.

  18. 218
    Stephanie says:

    Hi Gay!
    A time in my life, a turning point I didn’t realize was a turning point at the time but can look back now and see God at work. My husband and I had been out “celebrating” and, of course, got in an argument on the way home. This escalated and before you know it, he had put his arm through a glass window and cut a main artery in his arm. My first thought was to take him to the hospital. Once I opened the truck door I realized that was a bad plan. Not only was he bleeding everywhere, I was in no shape to drive anywhere. After I called 911 and while I was waiting for the ambulance, my husband went unconscious. The ambulance arrived, worked on him and we all loaded up for a lights and siren drive to the hospital. A Chaplin met me at the door of the hospital. I was twenty something at the time, covered in my husband’s blood; the Chaplin takes me to get cleaned up, and then takes me into a private room. It was not until this moment that I realize the seriousness of this situation. (not to quick am I) I decided to call his family and let them know he was going into surgery. When I finished my calls the Chaplin asked me if I wanted to pray. NOW, you should know I first gave my life to Christ when I was a freshman in high school. I knew who Jesus was and thought, well that’s it, I really didn’t think much more about it. SO, when this man asked me if I wanted to pray, all I could think of was “how could I go to God now”, “how could I ask Him for anything in this state”, and my answer was “No”. Scripture tells us in John 18:9; This happened so that the words he had spoken would be fulfilled “I have not lost one of those you gave me.”

    I don’t know what was going on in the heavenlies but I do know that within the year I walked into a church. Within two years I was baptized. Today I am in love with Jesus. I am active in ministry and love to see it when Jesus works in me. Your story is working in the lives of others and God is working through you. Keep your eyes open to His work. It is awesome!

    By the way, my husband is fine now and didn’t suffer any permanent damage. (Praise be to God)

  19. 219
    Jina Patton says:


    I have read your installments and have been floored by your authenticity and incredible courage. Thank you for risking to give our Savior the glory an encourage those of us in and out of shackles! Walking through something so painful, begs a shout of praise. There is a song by Jon Thurlow that talks about “coming up from the wilderness leaning on Jesus”.

    God has used some serious pain in my life to show me my wounded heart. Some coping mechanism are more socially accepted than others. I have used things like control, overachieving and food to hide my wounds. Unfortunately they didn’t serve me well when the big pain came. God lovingly used that experience in my life to get at my wounds, bring revelation and the healing power of transforming my mind.

    I thank God for His loving kindness to allow me the pain of my wasteland and give me another chance to choose Him and recovery over the seductive substitutes.

    Bless you as you continue to walk in His hand. Great job with your honesty!!!!

  20. 220
    Donna Jo says:

    Thank you Gay. and Beth. Overwhelmed with emotion. Thank you for sharing your story. Although my problem isn’t drinking, it’s eating. The words you told yourself sound like me. The rationalizing and denial. And your story makes me realize how much I’m grieving the loss of both my parents in the last few years. I’m an orphan at 54 and miss them so much it feels awful. I never speak of it because people comment that it was their time, like it should be easy because we know old people die. 🙁 Both of them died from cancer, breast and melanoma. I am lonely even though I have a fabulous husband, two best friend daughters, and two precious grandsons. How can this be? I am as close to the Lord as I know how to be. I fear I’m struggling with apathy and the root may be unanswered prayer regarding a painful divorce 10 years ago. I’m rambling… Thank you for giving me a place to put words to some deep thoughts. I’ve loved Beth for years, and now you too Gay!

  21. 221
    Candice says:

    Dearest Gay,
    Thank you so much for sharing! You have really helped me understand the pathways to addiction and freedom. My uncle is an alcoholic who has been sober for about a decade now. You have inspired me to write him a special note telling him just how proud I am of him.

    Thank you!!

  22. 222
    Kiersten Griffith says:

    When I was 5 my parents divorced. After high school I rebelled for 10 years. I drank, had sex, racked up serious debt, did drugs, withdrew from my family, was angry, bitter, resentful… I could go on and on. I knew that what I was doing was very wrong, because my mom had raised me with a foundation in God, but I didn’t want any part of that life because I was hurting. So, I went from one emotionally abusive relationship to another. I was in the deepest darkest pit of depression I’ve ever known. I even thought about committing suicide.
    But God. He graciously lifted me out of the pit of darkness and has been restoring my life ever since (March 1 will be 3 years!!!). I am learning who He truly is and to seek Him and not his hand.

    THank you for sharing your story. It is so encouraging to see and listen to what God can do in a life. All glory to Him!

    “I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth. A hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and hear and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3”

  23. 223
    Cindy says:

    Your story gives me so much hope. The things you say about leaving each apartment with nothing…this sounds so much like my dad. Only he is addicted to narcotics which has led him to heroin, and only God knows what else. He has been homeless and he has lost his family. I have had hope, lost hope, prayed for hope, and given up hope. I honestly can not ever imagine him living a “normal” functioning life. Tears are just streaming down my face. I am so thankful to God for you.
    Another time that I have lost hope is in the struggle of infertility. About 5 weeks ago on a Saturday afternoon I sat in my livingroom, curtains drawn, soaked in tears. All I have ever wanted to be is a mommy. My hope was sucked dry. By the grace of God, the very next day I took a pregnancy test and within seconds it turned positive. Now you must understand, in Novemeber I had been told by my Christian doctor that even if I could get pregnant right now I would miscarry. I was awaiting months of shots and other treatments that gave me such an uneasy feeling that I sat there on that Saturday afternoon and let Satan steal my hope. I am now 9 weeks pregnant, and feeling every bit of it. Our God is a God of miracles. Amen.

    • 223.1
      G.J. says:

      Dearest Cindy – Your post touched my heart. I saw my son and his wife struggle with infertility and the deep pain it brought to all of us. We hurt for them and felt so helpless. I remember their despair from a failed adoption and then the JOY of that first pregnancy test. They are now the parents of my two oldest grandchildren and I am so very thankful to God for hearing my cries to Him on their behalf.

      I am going to pray for you and your precious baby. May God bless you and keep you.
      Gran Jan 🙂

  24. 224
    Betty M says:

    Dear Seista Sisters,
    Am asking prayers today for ME!!!! Anybody out there knowing what it is like to have a seriously ill little house dog who has been your soul mate in fur of almost 12 yrs and now it appears she faces surgery and possibly have to be put down. How do you survive??? Most people will laugh and say it is only a dog but to us who share our lives with these little ones they are not just anything they have been there through so much we have been through. Right now I can not even imagine life going on with out her but realize it may happen sooner than I want. Would appreciate prayers for me espeacilly and for Tiffany as well!! LOve Betty M

  25. 225
    Wendy says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart! Praising God today for all He is doing in you and through you!

  26. 226
    Deb Weaver says:

    Thank you for your courage to remember and to share. “But God…” is such a precious truth in your life and in mine. I have struggled with depression…canyons so deep and dark I felt completely hopeless. But God has faithfully walked with me into the light every time. It may take far longer than we’d ever hope, but in the process, I’ve learned to trust and love Him more.

    Our sins are horrendous, BUT GOD loves us, forgives us, holds us, comforts us, has compassion on us, saves us, helps us. YOU ARE SO LOVED BY GOD and BY HIS GIRLS HERE.

  27. 227
    Karla Williamson says:

    Thank you soooo much for sharing your life!!! I shared this on Facebook~to encourage many. It needs to be heard!!
    Love, Karla:)

  28. 228
    Kelly Rider says:

    Gay, today I am sitting in my beautiful daughters apartment praising the Lord for the healing that has taken place in her life! Ten years ago I took my 13 year old precious girl to Remuda ranch for inpatient treatment of anorexia. She would be there for 3 long months to save her life only to return home and lose all the weight she had gained. This has gone on for 10 years. She LOVES Jesus and has LOVED Him since she was a little girl. Satan did everything to destroy her. But like your story Jesus is having the VICTORY!! She is in graduate school getting her PHD in Psychology so that she can pour her love and God’s wisdom into other girls who are suffering from eating disorders! Thank you for being so vulnerable and willing to share God’s victory in your life! May God bless you and keep you!!! With love, Katie’s Mom

  29. 229
    Debra says:

    Oh Gay,
    I’m not a very vocal siesta but girl u have me wrapped up in your renewal!! I have just experienced a time of hopelessness even while tightly wound in this group, bible studies and prayer! I no longer strive to understand the word abide because God has made Himself so real to me that I no longer feel like damaged goods and unable to ” get it” spiritually!. Our circumstances are different but the emotions are so similar, I feel we are bonded in heart! Please know your victory is being used for all of us!!! What an amazing God we serve, Gay!!

  30. 230
    Yanna Westmoreland says:

    Gay, here’s another song that reminded me of you…
    You are leaving a legacy blessing His Name unapologetically. I love you!

    • 230.1
      Gay says:

      Yanna — I was thrilled out of my ever-lovin’ mind to hug your neck on Tuesday! See ya at the next one, girlie. Great song, GREAT SONG!!! Thanks!

      Loved you are,

  31. 231
    Linda says:

    Thanks for continuing with your story Gay! I remember some of these days and losing you during the Galveston years – calling your phone and leaving messages… hoping for you, and praying that God was protecting you somewhere. Somehow. And HE is so faithful…. even when we are faithless! I love you and am so glad that we are still friends!

  32. 232
    Debra says:

    Hey Brittany,
    I’m praying that today is your day of ACTIVE practice of saying: God loves ME just like He loves Gay! Our God will NEVER love one of us and not the other!!! Reach out to someone sweet girl and Talk to God ( action) now, as you are and HE will meet u there!!!! Oh precious gal how I would love to give u a mamma hug!!!!

  33. 233
    nancy says:

    Pam Houston, I share your pain with food addiction…out of control eating, yoyo diets, failure, self loathing, on and on. Worse still, I see my children in this same trap.

  34. 234
    Kathy says:

    Reading your story has been so inspiritional. When Beth had mentioned “Consider sharing a time when you, too, had given up hope…” My husband had an affair last May. I had given up hope that this was even going to work. But as you mentioned many times in your testimony, “BUT GOD”. I too, can only say, BUT GOD. It has been ONLY through God that our marriage is still alive. That my husband has come back to Christ. Because God was able to use me to show my husband unconditional love. He shut my mouth, I did not get angry, and calmly God was able to use me in whatever way He needed. I was numb during the time, in shock and disbelief, but somehow, and only in God’s way — that I can’t even describe — was God able to pull our marriage out of Satan’s grasp. Praise Jesus and thank you so much for sharing your life’s story.

  35. 235
    Renee says:

    Thank you for sharing this, Gay!!!! I have always been curious as to what someone would do the moment they were homeless. I can not imagine. Scary.

  36. 236
    Judy Googins says:

    Whew! Gay, bless you for sharing your story with us, for encouraging those who have also been down in the pit and wallowed in it. Beth is asking us to share some of our own stories, times when we had lost hope, so I will tell you mine.
    I too was a church girl and came out of a history of divorced parents, an alcoholic father, sexual molestation as a child, and rape in high school. I married a man that I thought was “good”, but he turned out to have as much baggage as I did coming into the marriage. Because my own parents had been to court 13 times in my growing up years over child custody, I vowed I would never get a divorce and do to my children what had been done to me. However, I had an affair, bore a child that was not my husband’s, had a terrible illness, saw him walk away from our marriage with another woman, and found myself sick and single-parenting three children. I was in despair and suicidal at one point, but God was not ready to give up on me.
    I started searching His Word for answers as I struggled with depression and illness. I finally came to the point of believing and living out Proverbs 3:5-6–trusting in the Lord with all my heart and not leaning on my own understanding, in all my ways acknowledging Him, knowing He would direct my path.
    By reading and studying His word daily, putting sticky notes with Bible verses on my clipboard at work, on my bathroom mirror, and on my headboard, and by reading them and memorizing them daily and in the middle of the night, I began to heal. I also had a Christian Psychiatrist with whom I had weekly therapy, and I hungered for instruction from Godly people, whether it be in a Bible study, at church, on a TV ministry, with books on tape or CD, and by listening to Christian radio to and from work. God worked on me, and I finally let Him. I had a heart ailment, and He literally purified my heart, burning away the dross, cleaning it of bitterness and resentment, and turning it towards him. I let Him into every secret room of my heart that I had previously kept closed. God was preparing me for yet another loss.
    Two years after my hated and unwanted divorce was final, my eldest son took his own life. As I sat waiting for the final news from the emergency room physician, I put my son’s life in God’s hands and told Him that whether my son survived or died, I would accept His decision and sovereignty. I had to leave that hospital and go tell my other two children that their brother was gone.
    I had a peace that was beyond any human understanding and was ready and able to forgive and pray for the woman that influenced my son’s decision to end his life. Yet, at the same time, and in the days after my son’s suicide, I felt hopeless. I was at the point of believing, “I will never be happy again.” I was ready to accept that statement, BUT GOD.
    God had another plan–a man who loves me for myself unconditionally who has now been my husband for 19 years (to whom I have been completely faithful), a sweet daughter from that marriage born when I was 40 years old, and happiness–yes, true, joyful happiness and contentment. This happiness and peace is mine in spite of being diagnosed ten years ago with an eye disease that has made me legally blind. God specializes in “hopeless” and turns it into “Wholeness.”

  37. 237
    Debra Fay says:

    Her Story, my Story, just different paths… Gay, Beth, I am soooooo proud of Gay… I want to be there… My isolation is real… my alcholism is real… My rejection of Second is real… I’m ready to get up to bat… But, need you girl… Your sponsor, will probably go, Oh, H no… but, I would appreciate you not giving up on me and praying about it… You are my Mentor…

    • 237.1
      Gay says:

      Debra — I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because its true: I LOVE YOU MADLY and I want you on this journey with me!! I need YOU to want it, my love. I am here, right here, as long as I am breathing … and as long as YOU are breathing. I’m here, always here, and I’m ready when YOU are. You know where to find me!


  38. 238
    Debra Fay says:

    I have never known anyone so real… No meetings, no nothing except Gay’s heart and soul… Keep writing my sister, keep writing… Gay is the real deal… She never gives up on another sister like her… NEVER… and, for someone like me, right now in my life with no one really, except my isolation with the enemy of alcoholism, she IS A HUGE FORCE OF HOPE…I aspire to become like Gay… This is the funny part… Gay is not like a bit of pride… She is ALL HEART and SOUL ABOUT HER LIFE AND ISSUES… This is why I love her and trust her… Her Testimony is effecting very much… LIKE A MIRROR… I love you Gay… My Heart… d. She is also very funny and fun… d.
    I love you sister…d.

  39. 239
    Lauren says:

    I lost my Dad on January 20th of this year (just almost three weeks ago) to alcoholism related illness – chlorosis of the liver and alcoholic hepatitis. Gay, I read your first post very shortly after he died – IT HELPED ME SO MUCH! My family has struggled with alcoholism for decades and I truly never thought the pain could get worse. Well, it has and it is terrible. We were blessed to get to spend five glorious days with my Dad in hospice before he died. Those days were a true time of “making amends” for all of us and even though he couldn’t respond, I know that he could hear every word that was said to him.

    Your story is helping me so much, in this, my darkest hour. Thank you for having the courage to share and the courage to be honest. You are loved more than you can ever imagine.

  40. 240
    L says:

    OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Riveting yet the single SCARIEST thing I have read in my life as I am TERRIFIED & shaking that this could possibly be the pattern /path of my BEAUTIFUL 20 year old daughter, V.!!!!! I commented to your 2nd installment about her yesterday, she is 20 & has had 2 DWI’s, & a drug arrest & goes to Harris Co. jail March 9!! Can you PLEASE advise me of how to reach/help her at this point? She has been in & out of AA for 2 years. Her beauty turns heads & her inner beauty is equal; she has the disease, Gay , or I should say, IT HAS HER!!! HELP, what can my husband & I do?? She is a BRIGHT young woman of soooo much promise until alcohol in high school! Our Christian family has been in grips for 5 years! She has been in Montgomery & Harris Co. jails 6 times since the age of 18! She has had 6 jobs in a year!! SOOOO many people pray for her & have gone to bat for her! Is it inevitable that she will follow your patterns?????

    • 240.1
      Gay says:

      L — You and your daughter are in my prayers this very day!! Why don’t you scroll all the way up this page to the upper right hand corner and click CONTACT. Send an email to Living Proof asking them to shoot it on over to me. How’s that? Don’t forget to leave your contact info and I will call you. We can try to put our heads together but I PROMISE there is not a harder head than the head of an alcoholic! She has to WANT IT. The answer to your last question is NO, IT IS NOT INEVITABLE that she will follow my patterns. We are all similar but different. Remember this, as long as she is BREATHING, there is hope. Don’t give up. With God, ALL THINGS are possible.

      Loved you are,

      • Laura says:

        Oh my goodness I will do this right now, Sweet Gay! THANK YOU, THIS IS THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS!!! Each day that it gets closer to the start of the jail sentence, I am more worried & scared for my sweet baby girl as she self destructs. I do KNOW with God all things are possible, & I recite Phillippeans 4:13 many times each day! I will anxiously await your call at your convenience. I am a teacher & will call you right back if you call during the day & I will drop everything to talk to you!!! God bless you Sweet Gay!!!

  41. 241

    What rings true for me as I read your story, Gay, is I remember some time back, and when I was drinking, I said out loud, “I don’t care what happens to me no more!” I know it was some kind of hurt crushing situation that caused those words to spill out of my mouth and words that felt like a proclamation and very damaging to me, cause I gave up and gave in to more addictive cover-ups. Drink was the main stay. Drink when you are mad, drink when your glad, drink just cause, drink and so on. Now, I REMEMBER how drinking felt, a spinning wheel, the depression. Funny I never planned on stopping. It just happened one night after drinking a pint of vodka. I had just gone through bankruptcy and was broken. That night screaming on the phone to a Christian friend and thankfully she did not hang up. God told her not to. The next day I was encouraged to go to an AA meeting. I went. I felt like I was losing a friend, weird but true but it was not a good friend. It is one place I do not want to got back to. I will be reading your story again, and again…. it keeps me encouraged, Gay! Love, Allison

    • 241.1
      Gay says:

      Hi Allison!!! Thanks for your story. I bet there’s more. I hope to see you at Bible study later this month. Loved you are, my Sister.


  42. 242
    Margaret says:

    To reach a point of I quit. I give up. I don’t care. And before the last letter of the last word is pronunciated, you find yourself with the strength you know is afforded to you by the Lord Almighty. Praise Him for loving us more than we will ever know.

  43. 243
    Sparki2003 says:

    Dear Gay,

    I pray that God is blessing you ! You are very brave to be sharing your life story like this with us. Thank you !

    In Christ’s Love,


    Southern Wisconsin

  44. 244
    angela bennett says:


    I very much understand you.. I too struggled with a pain/ anxiety pill addiction that began from trying to hide grief of a death that tormented my soul, and I got angry at God.

    I know what it’s like to go to that “store” and not want to take a pill. The craziness, thinking everyone doesn’t see through you, but it shows.

    I looked old fast..OLD..and I hated myself inside.. My last 13 months of sobriety have tried me.. BUT JESUS has saved me.. I was too busy being mad to see he was trying to help me.. I struggle hour by hour at times not to take a pill..

    Oh but his love is so gracious and tender.. Blessed be my God… Oh I am so glad you are still clinging to HIM.. I will pray for you…

    In Christ

    Angela Bennett

  45. 245
    kim says:

    I am so thankful for your testimonies and have been sharing them with my son who is currently working on his sobriety while in high school, trying to graduate, find new clean friends to hang out with, and apply to colleges to give him that hope for the future… Addiction is so enormously powerful, but with God’s love and guidance, anything is possible to overcome… I will be praying for you and your family.

  46. 246
    Renee says:

    Gay, I know it is hard to write about what you are happy to have left behind, but have you ever considered writing a book? I think people dealing with alcohol abuse would be helped. I am interested in the life of someone who was homeless. Having had to go to agencies, church, and a few soup lines in my past for food and help I have had a heart for those who are there and the homeless. I have always wondered, what do you do the first night you realize you have no where to go? What people do you meet? What rules of the street do you learn? It is a whole world I think we need to be aware of and have a heart for. Just a thought! Renee

  47. 247

    Gay, I read what you have written and I was fearful. I cried and I really needed a word from Him, so I looked in Isaiah and read Isaiah 35:3-4. I am in desperate need to really believe what He says to me, Gay, and to be able to discern what He is saying to me! My soul is in distress. I don’t know how else to say it. I understand what you are saying.

    • 247.1
      katiegfromtennessee says:

      I know He is my Hope! You are my Hope, Lord. “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:13-14

      • katiegfromtennessee says:

        I wanted to come back and say that I am so grateful to the Lord for both of you, Beth and Gay. You are both such a God sent blessing and encouragement to me.

        • Gay says:

          Katie — You are in my prayers, Sweet One. You have also been an encouragement to me this day. Thank you for your comment. Hang in there!! Whatever you’re struggling with, its worth it. Every single drop of blood, sweat and tears is WORTH IT!!! I love you and God loves you and I’m really, REALLY sure Beth loves you too!

          Together with you in the journey, my Sister,

  48. 248
    G.J. says:

    Gay – I want to thank you for this heartfelt journal of your life. I am so drawn in by your writing and so excited as I read because I KNOW THE LAST CHAPTER – and praise God that you are living in His victory today. Thank you for going back and sharing this – I pray for your strength because it must be emotionally draining to relive and re-tell.

    You’re a gift to this community and I’m so thankful for your little sister sharing YOU with us. You SHINE for Jesus!

    Love much,

  49. 249
    Elisabeth says:

    I love more and more hearing the story of the person I ended up praying for for years. I’ll never again experience beig told a loved one is in the pit, praying that long, and then reading the story 5 years later like this. Only the Body could function in such an incredible and odd way!:)

    I just have to say this:
    I was raised in a world of lies and deceit. I didn’t even know it because that’s all I had experienced. At 25 years old, my kind was so messed up I wanted to die. (This is what I also call the “Functioning Years” because I was on staff at church running a ministry!) One day I randomly ended up attending a Believing God DVD study at church. Thought I’d be bored by some “older” lady who has huge hair and kinda yells. But then God:) Here I am. Free as a lark and in love with Jesus Christ!:)

  50. 250
    Kathleen says:


    Thank you for sharing. I was raised by 2 alcoholics. I just lost my Mom a week today. I was able to have a good honest talk with her before she passed. To her dying day she still blamed everything and everybody for her drinking. I told her I love her and forgive her for all that drinking has cost me. I really do feel bad for all she lost to it also and did not even know.

    I myself was totally lost, and consumed with physical pain. I have Trigeminal Neuragia. The pain took my life over. and then as if that was not enough I developed fibromyalgia also because my body was so over loaded with pain. I would lay in the chair for hours on end just wanting to die. Begging God to just take me! I took so many pain pills that I have no idea how I am a live today. Life was going on around me and I did not even care.

    One night, I was really begging God to just take me home ( boy did I have that wrong) I was really sick of living this way. after a lot of talking, and trips to mayo clinic pain rehab and a deep desire to get my life back and restore my real love with my family and God was I able to kick all the pain pills, learn to live with pain everyday AND function! It has been 8 years since that dreadful diagnoses but praise God that I am alive and am a walking miracle. There is a lot more to this story about what I went through with this pain but not enough room on this blog sight. But God is so good that he holds me so close that at times I can feel his arms of comfort wrapped around me when the pain is so intense. I have gone almost 4 years with not one pain pill. Praise God! And I have walked two 5k’s! in the last few month’s. (Praying every step) Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

    Thank you for being brave enough to share and giving me room to share and not be judged. Pain is something people don’t see so they don’t always believe you have it.

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