First installment. Meet My Sister.
Second installment. The Functioning Years.
My beloved Sisters, my coworkers and I have been praying hard for Gay as she labored to minister to you over this last week by reliving a descent into darkness. I ask for you to pray for her, too. True depth of ministry is rarely without cost. Can you imagine how furious the devil is at her?? Please thank God in advance for being her Shield and her Fortress, her Refuge and her Strength. I have no words to express my gratitude to her and my boastfulness in the Lord because of her. She is a true miracle. So am I. So are you. Oh, that we’d know it! In Tuesday night Bible study right now, we are making six stops in the Book of Deuteronomy to behold the divine law of love. To me, it is no coincidence that Gay handed in this entry on the very day that I am preparing a lesson on REMEMBERING. Once again, my sister. My hero.
From Gay…
Hi Sisters!
As I proofread the final draft of my last post, I was even taken aback at how NON-functioning the functioning years were! I thought my life was manageable because to the outside world, I appeared to be functioning (as far as I knew) but alone and inside my head, the battle raged. I remember driving to the liquor store one afternoon after vowing not to drink that day for the zillionth time and meaning it, tears streaming down my cheeks, wanting so badly not to WANT it yet consumed with the overwhelming NEED to have it. Understand, Siestas, that there are drinkers out there who are functioning and always will. They are what we alcoholics want to be. We are wannabees! Bill Wilson described it so perfectly like this, “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.”
There is no way for me to describe accurately or list wholly the events that occurred during the next ten years of my so-called life. I can’t even piece them all together myself. It was an endless cycle of drinking to feel “normal” or somewhat happy and functional, followed by not being able to stop at “normal,” followed by the negative consequences associated with intoxication (never positive consequences!), followed by more shame and guilt than I thought I could take, followed by self-medication, followed by more negative consequences and down the tubes I went. A maelstrom is defined on Wikipedia as “a very powerful whirlpool; a large, swirling body of water. A free vortex; it has considerable downdraft.” Although I had been severely warned yet still believed I was EXEMPT, I was beginning the swift descent into pure, alcoholic destruction and SELF-destruction.
By this time, my little “drinking problem” was becoming blatantly obvious to the outside world, my extended family included, and I was confronted. They dragged me out of the closet kicking and screaming and, as you can imagine, it did not go well. My response to that was outrage, blaming them for what they had done to CAUSE me to drink in the first place (all the way down to my parents!), withdrawal from the family and isolation. Alcohol had moved itself up my diseased brain’s priority list to the Number 1 position. It came first, period, end of paragraph. No matter how much I wanted my children to come first, the alcohol was FIRST!! It screamed at me to feed it! I did have a few periods of sobriety during this time, mostly in treatment, and I prayed for God to deliver me but I never did what God had put in front of me to do time and time again, so I never found the freedom that He had waiting for me on the other side. Because “Faith without works is dead, Gay!” (James 2:17) Consequently, each period of sobriety was followed by still worse relapse followed by more of the same.
It went something like this:
In 2002, I asked my employer of many years for a 6-month leave of absence. Tut and I were finally able to live on one income and I was exhausted! I had worked hard with virtually no time off since Zach was 2 years old and he was finishing his junior year in high school. I needed rest, quality time with our children and, besides, I needed to put this blasted drinking problem to bed once and for all. What do we say about an idle mind being the devil’s workshop? Bingo!! I quit working — He worked OVERTIME. I had too much leisure time alone, no coping skills and no tools to fight the battle raging inside my head. I had no relationship with God although I attended church every single Sunday morning. I had no support group. My friends were all at work and I had withdrawn from my family. And, very key point, I had the disease of alcoholism. Perfect cocktail (pardon the pun) to bring down the proud, the entitled, the exempt. My drinking moved into the early afternoon, then morning, then round the clock. Alcohol quickly invaded every nook, cranny and pore of my existence. I laughed and cried with it, I raged and soothed with it, I celebrated and mourned with it, I went to bed with it and I got up with it, I loved it and I hated it. When I asked for an additional 6 months of LOA because I was too sick both mentally and physically to go back to work, I was denied and laid off instead. I had survived every single downturn that my company had been through. My life was there, my friends were there, my self-worth was there. My heart was broken. Again. More medication please!!
In 2003, I went to my first inpatient rehabilitation facility in the beautiful Texas hill country. It was one of the finest treatment centers in the country and not cheap! It employed the best Big Book instructor I’ve ever heard to date, even now. Some of his words got through and I related more to what was written in the book, however, I still had not reached a place of full surrender. I was still different, special, proud. I would not humble myself to do the work that was asked of me — to do as thousands had done before me who had STAYED SOBER. That stuff still did not apply to me. Not to ME!! I stayed there 28 days at a cost of $16,000.00 (its more now!) and could not wait to order a glass of wine on the flight home. After all, I had abstained 4 full weeks. I had proved that I could do it. Let’s celebrate! I was drunk when Tut picked me up from the airport and he was livid, to put it mildly. A few months later, he asked me to leave the house that we had lived in for 17 years and where we had raised our children. Zach had just graduated from high school and Josh was 8 years old. I moved because I could not argue with him. I knew I was out of control and I knew why he was asking me to leave. Although I tried to justify and rationalize and blame HIM, I knew the truth in my heart. It was not a safe environment for the children. Period. I walked out that door and never returned for any significant time period until about 1025 days ago in mid-April of 2009 — almost 6 years later. The loss of my little family, Tut included, was by far the greatest loss of my life. My feelings after the death of my mother (which I never felt, by the way) could not hold a candle to the heartache and grief I suffered at putting my family on death’s altar. I was never the same after that. I not only had given up the desire to control. I gave up hope.
During the following years:
- I was charged with 3 counts of Driving While Intoxicated which left me incarcerated in the most overcrowded county jail in the United States of America, Harris County Jail, which holds 10,000 inmates. By God’s pure grace and mercy, I did not get a felony conviction on the third charge and did not kill anyone! I could have; I should have. But God.
- I lost my driving privileges and owed the State of Texas $7,800.00 in surcharges to reinstate them. At this point, it did not occur to me to give up drinking. I would give up driving instead!
- I received a 23-page Final Decree of Divorce from my husband of 22 years while I was incarcerated. I could not appear to protest it and wouldn’t have been able to anyway, even had I been free. It granted full parental custody of our minor child to my now ex-husband giving me supervised visits only. It contained a Permanent Injunction that prohibited me from going to Josh’s residence, school, or any extra-curricular activities. I was able to call him or write to him ONLY with his father’s permission.
- I went to 3 more inpatient treatment centers, all state-funded, the last being in Galveston and long-term. After spending 4 months there, I was successfully discharged at noon and in the liquor store before closing time that very night.
- I lived alone and tried to drink myself to death many times in 4 different apartments after leaving my home in Sugar Land. I walked out of all four of those living spaces with nothing but the clothes on my back, leaving everything behind. I lost all of my personal items including pictures, jewelry, keepsakes, high school memorabilia, artwork by me and my children, furniture, appliances, clothes, etc.
- I lived in one halfway house in Galveston 3 different times. Again by the grace of God, they had allowed me to return after I had relapsed twice.
In August of 2007, while at R-House in Galveston, I finally got a much-needed break after a few weeks of sobriety. I interviewed successfully and got a great job at the Galveston County Courthouse as Administrative Assistant to the I.T. Manager (Information Technology). Since I had an I.T. background from my last place of employment, it was right up my alley. I was excited about the opportunity and had hope for a future. Finally! I was also very optimistic about getting on with “normal” life and giving up living in treatment centers and halfway houses. I quickly put down a deposit on an 1894 Victorian four-plex apartment, all hardwood floors, very nice, walking distance from my new job. I was also dating a really nice man (big red flag!) from a Narcotics Anonymous group in Galveston. He was funny, well-liked, and had solid sobriety. It wasn’t the first time I had gotten side-tracked with a relationship. I would invariably put the relationship first, rather than the sobriety, thinking that the love of a man would be enough to sustain me through anything, especially a SOBER man! I later saw that I had a pattern of putting anything, everything, even the important things BEFORE sobriety, and that I would always, ALWAYS end in relapse and inevitably lose those things. I moved into my apartment on a Friday and tried to contact my so-called “boyfriend” on Saturday. He did not respond. He did not respond for hours. He had gone to a recovery function without me. I was furious. How do I handle furious???
Drink, of course. I will never EVER forget this, my last relapse. After all I had lost, after all of the bullet points listed above plus more that I can’t even remember, after all of the warnings and having been beaten down time and time again, I STILL THOUGHT that I could do it one more time and that no harm would come of it. I slung my purse over my shoulder and headed out the door at a fast pace to the liquor store to get … a pint, of course! By the time I got there, I had talked myself into a fifth because I wouldn’t want to return should I need more. I bought a quart, drank from it on the way back and the beast came forth!!! I called in sick to work on Monday, again on Tuesday, didn’t call at all on Wednesday or Thursday and got fired on Friday.
I was baffled, confused, embarrassed and had no way to pay next month’s rent. After countless vain attempts at asking for help from my family with promises of sobriety in return, I didn’t even ask for their help. I was homeless a month later and outside with the others who were both wandering aimlessly and drinking themselves into oblivion because they/WE could not face another day.
“The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From His temple He heard my voice.” Psalm 18:4-6a
(End of third installment. To be continued soon in the fourth installment.)
Sisters, this is back to Beth now. That’s one incredibly powerful entry, isn’t it? Revisit Gay’s words, “I gave up hope.” Many of us know what that’s like. Oh, how the enemy of our souls delights to walk us to that despairing place one step at a time. You are welcome to respond to Gay in your comments to this post any way you feel prompted but, in addition, I’d also like to ask you to consider doing something else. Consider sharing a time when you, too, had given up hope…
but God….
Maybe somebody needs to hear just a few lines of your story, too. You are treasured here at LPM. And, far more significantly, you are the treasured possession of the God of all Creation. Believe Him about you.
Gay, It is amazing how powerful and effective the devil’s lies can be. But, praise Jesus, our God reigns over it all! I am touched by your story and so happy that I know a part of the victorious story that is coming. Jesus remains… a refuge, the answer and my ultimate hope! Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I have directed some of my friends to the blog so that they know they aren’t alone. Love, Lynda
I can recall a time of hopelessness during my momma’s second bout with cancer. I was 25 and exhausted. Shouldering financial responsibilities for her and me, so alone and scared and at the end of my proverbial rope. Jesus seemed so far away and I felt very hurt that He was allowing this trouble and loneliness into my life for the second time. I was making bad relationship choices and standing on the “edge of a pit of sin” that I was actually willing to jump right in to find some small measure of comfort. I did cry out to the Lord, actually yelled at Him, from my car. I didn’t cry out for help either. I issued Him an ultimatum. I do not recommend this at all (But, at least I can say that we were back on speaking terms)! However, my sweet Jesus rescued me the following day! He literally filled in the pit I was trying to jump into (closed down my sinful options) and opened my ears and heart to hear a very timely sermon about how Jesus was in the boat with the disciples when the storm hit and He was in mine too! After that, I sought out my Christian friends again and allowed a few to carry me through that time. And, I found a peace, the kind the Bible talks about, in Jesus. I just rested there for a while and let Jesus love me and He did. He always does.
I hate to admit it, but last night felt pretty hopeless. My family got smacked with one more crisis yesterday, and I’m hurting for a sister who is now estranged from her teenage daughter, and worried for where that niece is headed. Today is a little better, but I’m praying my head off.
Anne,
Praying and believing with you, Sister!
There is always hope because God’s truth never changes. Circumstances change, life happens, the devil is still a liar, thief, and murderer, but God is still on the throne and HE is still crazy in love with you and cares!!!
Find one thing you can praise Him about and keep repeating it over and over. You are victorious because you are so loved!!!
Thanks, Roxanne. I’m pinning this to my computer screen with a sticky note.
Gay,
This installment resonated with me in a profound way. I know exactly what it is to think that “it can’t happen to me.” That you’re exempt from all consequences somehow. For so long I resisted facing the truth about the anxiety and depression that had grown steadily worse since my late teen years. I was a Bible study leader, for crying out loud! I was “functioning.”
But, yeah, I wasn’t. I completely understand what you’re talking about there, too. I pushed away the idea of counselors, of medication, even the suggestion of a much-needed hospital stay. It took looking death (by my own hand) in the face for me to finally break. I wish I hadn’t gone there. I wish I’d been willing to see past the lies.
Isn’t God so good, my dear sister? How gracious He is to piece together the shattered mess of our lives into a unique lantern through which to shine His light!
I love you.
Marie
Gay, you are brave. Remembering is so hard but its essential to staying clean. God bless you.
Gay,
Thank you. I sit here in captivity to your words, your pain, the grief, the real suffering. I work to not allow your story to be “a story” but real life. Staggering and humbling to read, to experience. Thank you.
I hope in some post you will tell us specifically what God put in front of you to do, that you did not do. You wrote, “I prayed for God to deliver me but I never did what God had put in front of me to do time and time again, so I never found the freedom that He had waiting for me on the other side.” I have done this so many times, not with alcohol but certainly with food, habits and–my favorite–intentions. I am eager to hear from you on this.
Thanks for sharing. Thank you so much. I hope God gives you a hug so tight you actually ask him to let go a little!
Blessings to you…
Susan,That is a question I would like to see answered too.
Gay, thank you so much for sharing your story . Just started study on James yesterday and Beth alludes to your resurrected family there. Hoping I will be brave enough to face my story.
Gay,
As I was reading your post, I was (am) listening to Pandora and a song called “Heal the Wound” by Point of Grace. I’ve never heard it before, but the chorus talks about the Lord healing the wound but leaving the scar – it reminds of us of how merciful He is. I am so thankful that the Lord has healed your wounds but left the scars. The reason being that your testimony will reach potentially thousands of lives – thousands of women who’ve been down the same path you have. Praise God for pouring out His grace on you! Thanks for sharing!
I have no words….I’m so sorry you had to go through this… thank you so much for sharing!! I am so glad Jesus picked you up and you are writing on this blog here today!!! When there’s no hope, there’s Jesus!!!
“The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From His temple He heard my voice.” Psalm 18:4-6a
This one got me.
4 years ago, I was betrayed. My heart broke (literally woke up the next day saying, ‘Im never going to be the same,’ I did NOT realize that was the greatest news ever!
I moved in to my first apartment by myself, my mom (whom I had lived with for all my life moved two states away) I had no furniture, no friends, no hope. My heart was sick, I had checked out. I drank, I didn’t clean, I gained 30+ lbs in 6 months. To tell you the truth, I don’t remember a lot…but reading thru that scripture made me realize, my Spirit had been calling out for help. AND HE HEARD ME!I had purchased the Passion of the CHRIST ( sale at Costco – SO HIM) and since it was Good Friday, I thought, ‘when else do you watch it?’ I didn’t like it. Not just for what it was, but it stuck with me. I started to think about HIM. The man in the movie, he was a man, real person, not some floating being. REAL.
I started wondering what things meant. Why did this happen, how did they feel? I couldn’t stop thinking about HIM.
One night in particular, I was crying and talking to HIM while watching the movie (I couldn’t stop watching at this point…it was like I was close to HIM) And whilst crying, I remember this one moment vividly, I was thinking back, “…and you’ve always been there”…and in that moment, I could feel HIM. I could feel HIS PRESENCE. And I said, “and YOU’RE here now”
From that moment on, I had hope. Oh, I was still a broken , messed up, girl. But I had hope. I hadn’t had had it the day before, but I did now. And everything changed. I actually saw Amanda put an ad for the Simulcast on this website, and I thought, ‘why couldn’t my church do that?’ Granted this is the church I was not attending. But I went, talked to the head pastor and had 1 month to get the word out that we were hosting the Simulcast and I was in charge of hosting it. GOD LITERALLY carried me. But I had a purpose and a hope. I know I have written way more than I should have, sometimes I good to be able to tell your story. I forgot how incredible it was. I don’t like to go back, but I do love to remember that HE HEARD MY CRY.
GOD IS YOUR SHIELD GAY! ALWAYS AND EVER!
God works in mysterious ways!!! So glad He was HIM in your life!!! Praise God!!!
SO GLAD HE IS HIM
Oh, Gay, thank you for your courage, precious sister siesta. How brave to face torrents of pain in your past to lend some courage to the next traveler you may pass.
I remember one clear time of losing hope. A relationship dearer to my heart than almost any was taken away. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Then things reached a critical tipping point at which I realized we had slipped past a point of no return. Things could no longer be “fixed”. At least not by my definiton of the word. I threw my hands up in prayer, and for the first time in my memory I told the Lord I was out of ideas, that this could not be fixed and that what was lost could not be retrieved. His answer to me was as clear as it has ever been: “Darling, prayer is not the big suggestion box in the sky. I don’t actually require you to come up with ideas for how to “fix” things. I’ve got this.”
I sat sheepishly with my mouth open, completely awash with equal portions of relief and embarrassment. And the dark cloud of despair began to dissipate.
BTW thanks for the definition of maelstrom. I would’ve had to look it up. I had to look up two spellings as it was. Sad but profound use of the word.
My praises go out for your restored life Gay.
I have shared before on here that I got pregnant in October, because I went to find comfort in somebody’s temporary arms. Since then I lost a boyfriend, the man I was to marry this summer. I still am seeking how God can use this and am so scared at what is going to happen when this little one comes along. I work for a Starbucks, and while their benefits are great, I have no idea how I will pay for diapers and other needs of an infant, toddler, etc. Not to mention childcare. I am at the end of myself…but God.
Thanks for sharing Gay.
Amber, I just want to encourage you for choosing life! God will never leave you or forsake you. Check out impregnant.org for some help..praying for you
Thank You, your so brave. God is using your journey right now to speak to me!
He is going to take care of you- I am praying and God will be showing off for you n ur baby 🙂
I have done the same, trying to cut ties. I have lost respect for me bcux the guy plays soo many mind games, an ex from 10 yrs ago I messed up on God but His Grace is amazing –
I just want to be strong enough to stop contact with him
Thanks for the prayers! I cut ties by deleting ALL possible avenues of contacting him by…and through accountability…maybe that could work for you? I’ll say a prayer for you!
His Word says that He is a husband to the husbandless and a Father to the fatherless. Take Him up on that!!! He will care for you and your baby. He already does!!!
Praying for you both!
Thanks so much!!!
Amber,
Praising God that you chose LIFE. I know that God will be faithful to you and will show you HIS face in that precious little one. He will guide your path and He will provide. Praying for you.
Love,
Andrea
Amber, so Proud of you!
Where Do I start, what do I say?!
This is probably only my 2nd or 3rd time in recent time of commenting on the blog. I love you Siestas!!!
Just at times wonder if I have anything worth putting out here that hasn’t or won’t be said.
BUT……
This one hits.. and hits hard…Probably to long to post, but here goes.
My biological father is a drug addict and alcoholic. I did not grow up with him( to which I grew up mad at my mother and the world for that, but now know it was a blessing from God)
I always wanted/needed to know who he was.
Fast forward to married( I even looked for him so I would have a dad to walk me down the aisle- Step-Grandpa stepped in instead and I am glad for those precious memories) but… add more fuel to the fire.
Fast forward to having our first two children, and still had a void.
By this time in my life I had asked my husband to go ahead and get it over with and walk out already, he had stayed to long( he had given me NO reason to say this) But isn’t that what men do? Marry you, get you pregnant and leave?( that is what my family was all about)
He refused( BUT GOD) ( many gaps but to long to write it all out)
One day I hunted up the divorce papers I had taken out of the trash after my mother throwing them away( I asked for them) I got his( my father) Soc Sec# and started searching for him.
This was the year 1998.
Found him through the Fed Prison system and his PO.
Asked to meet him, drove hours from our home to meet this man called.. what Do I call him?!
At this point I had been raised to HATE him from my mother.
fast forward, he used us( my sister and I) to get back to my mother..
Gale, your story hits home so hard, to be honest I did NOT want to read it, yet felt the Lord with His thumb in my back.. to see if this healing thing( thank the Lord for breaking free bible study) really has taken place.. and take the chance to hear it from the “other side”
Thank you for sharing, the pain, the unsaid agony, from all sides I felt the pain, could hear, and vision what victory looks like on you!!!
You my Siesta in Christ, are as your sister put it, a miracle!!!
I want to go on record to say I am praying for you too!!!
I wish my Fathers story could be like yours.
It was, over and over and over and over and over…. to the point of almost killing us all.. literally.
I do not know where he is, there is no hope…( to which I took the blame from my family, even my mother for even finding him. Was my fault for bringing him back in) Dare I say, I am ok with that?
BUT GOD………..( my mother and I have a healing relationship now, and are working on it daily. All praise and Glory to King Jesus)
I will spare my own personal testimony, but it is so far from perfect.. that scripture comes to mind about the sins of our Fathers can carry up to the fourth generation?
I had my dark night to walk through myself, almost lost my husband, three children..
BUT GOD
ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL my hope was gone at that point..
BUT GOD
So I leave my earthly fathers destiny with my Heavenly Father, knowing NOTHING is out of HIS merciful control.
Thank you again for sharing.. I am looking forward to reading the rest of your story to this point, and thrilled to hear how God keeps you hour by hour, day by day!!
( sorry for the ramblings, this one hit the softly healed wound)
Wow that one made me shake to write it, and a knot the size of TEXAS in my stomach!!
God Bless
I gave up hope in 2002. I lost my daughter in 1996, and for the next 6 years went down a dark path until I hit rock bottom. I spent 7 weeks in a psychiatric ward, and had my children removed from my home for 8 weeks in 2002. There I learned all of the coping techniques,and learned to make myself feel better by cutting myself. I had a dear mentor that tirelessly prayed over me, read Scripture to me, and made me do the hard work of facing the pain. In 2005 I was reading “Breaking Free”, and God slapped me up the side of my head. I can remember the exact segment I was reading, but I don’t want to make this too long. Suffice it to say, I repented (which meant paying the high price of losing many cherished relationships of those not willing to forgive, or continue relationship with me…I had hurt a great many people in my sin)in 2005, and have spent all of the last nearly 7 years letting God dig me out of the pit I made for myself. To HIM be all the glory and praise for showering His grace on me, saving my marriage, allowing me to bring my precious babies home and HOMESCHOOL them, and go on to be a woman that longs for God. He is GOOD all the time. A verse we have claimed as a family is Joel 2:25 ~ I will restore to you the years the swarming locusts have eaten. We have watched Him do that over and over and over. Gay, I’m proud of you for sharing your story. This is the first time I’ve ever written anything about mine, but you have inspired me! Praise God for delivering you. From my heart to yours…thank you for opening yourself up and sharing what God has done in your life! You are an amazing woman, and a gift to us!
Grace to you, Kathryn
Beth, if this is too long, let Gay read it and then delete. Thanks!
Dear Beth and Gay,
I am awestruck by Gay’s courage and how candid…only God gives courage like that. I am wondering if I may be so candid. I myself am struggling with an addiction and feel I am at the end of my rope. It is an addiction to food. A year ago in May (on Mother’s Day!) I had a small stroke because of my weight. I have no long term effects of this but my addiction to food is something I am still struggling with. I’m an emotional eater and am finally seeing an amazing Christian Counselor to deal with my “issues’. I can feel my health declining once again. But I still can’t stop. I keep praying and begging God to help me. I keep saying God I am finally getting the help I need but is it to late? Will I die before the healing comes? I cannot lean on my family because for my own personal safety my counselor has advised me to seperate from them. With tears overflowing I am saying please forgive me if I’ve said to much. If you delete my message for that reason I won’t be offended. I just feel so desperate and so afraid. Please pray for me? Again, please forgive me if I’ve said to much. Also thank you for never letting me forget that I matter to Jesus.
Love ya..
Hey, sweet anonymous, it’s never too late! That’s what’s so awesome about Jesus, our God of HOPE! I’m praying that He will show you where to turn for help. Don’t discount the support groups for your specific problem. It helps to know that we are not alone in our struggles…we are all sinners in need of the Saviour. One of my favorite quotes from my support group: “and acceptance is the key to all of our problems”. I’m trusting the Lord today for victory in your life. I love you!
Dearest Sweet Anonymous,
YOU are HIS treasure. He wants the deep places in your heart healed. You are worth it. I will pray for you that the Holy Spirit reveals these places specifically.
(this is kinda long, so no offense if you need to crop it!)
3 yrs ago I was so without hope that I truly began contemplating life as a divorcee after 12 yrs of marriage to my college sweetheart. One particular night I was sobbing in bed, feeling that after all the yrs of ‘trying, praying’ he was still in the grip of this ‘addiction’. I finally had to admit, maybe it would never change. Days later I was in the shower (God loves to talk to me there, probably cuz I’m actually quiet enough to hear him whispering!) I was having a college-girlfriend reunion wknd at my house. I had decided for once, I was going to bear this burden alone without sharing w/friends. Then I heard H.S. whisper that I needed to share it with them. (ugh) But I obeyed….I shudder to think where we would be if I hadn’t. I humbled myself and shared the ‘latest chapter’ in the never-ending (but we thought it had) saga of my husband’s betrayal. One of my dear friend’s father had married us, she advised I talk to him.
When I spoke to him, he was so excited by new truth God had revealed to him regarding counseling/healing. Allowing the Holy Spirit to heal us supernaturally, by breaking agreements we had made. With the help of a trained “Prayer Minister” who partners with the Holy Spirit to reveal areas deep in our hearts/spirits that need healing/forgiveness/restoration.
It sounded very much like John Eldredge’s teaching in “Waking the Dead”, which I loved. I was really excited. My husband went for his first session & was blown away by what God revealed to him. (I had rallied all my prayer-warriors, praying for a miracle in my hubbies life) God did just that! After his 3rd session, his precious prayer minister said,”I feel a sense of completion, I believe God’s work in these areas is done.” Wow! She was right- the fruit bears witness. My husband is a changed man–fully engaged, full of joy & hope vs. anger & bitterness. Our marriage is thriving. That’s the power of Yeshua-God!
I’m not sure if it is appropriate to mention a specific website, but when you feel you know the cure for ‘cancer’ it feels incredibly selfish to keep to yourself. My husband was so profoundly changed by the truths he learned during his sessions, that both of us have begun taking classes on becoming prayer ministers ourselves.
It makes me want to weep when I think of how much pain & suffering we went thru & how many others like you are suffering too. BUT now I can honestly count it all as gain. (Can’t believe I can say that but I truly can!!) God took what the Enemy had meant to destroy us, and turned it into a powerful testimony for others. Yay God. Now others have experienced God’s power to heal like we have. Only the Most High God can make beauty from ashes.
“Sweet Anonymous” Perhaps you too might benefit from checking into this kind of deep healing? From your story above, I believe there is much more going on that you probably even realize..but there is HOPE!
http://www.thehealingtree.com
Big Hug ((())))
Whoops!! the correct Christian website is actually http://www.healingtree-gr.com
Hey sweet anonymous,
I used to struggle with an eating disorder. One of the things that helped me was a book called, “Intuitive Eating.” I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with food!
And by the way, I was never considered “overweight” but you don’t have to be overweight to have an eating disorder. It can be for anyone who uses food to numb the pain.
Blessings to you!
Tears are streaming down my face as I type this. Gay, you are one brave woman. You may not feel like it, but you are. I think of a time about 8 years ago when I was at rock bottom in my depression. My baby sister got married and I remember VERY little. And I was totally sober. But the dark fog I was in makes it very hard to remember much about that time. I remember beginning to wish I could die…afraid for my husband to leave the kids with me for too long. I was a mess. I needed help. I finally asked–no,begged for it. He is faithful. He didn’t just hand freedom to me on a silver platter and walk away hoping I’d know how to hold on to it. No. He’s made me own it so I won’t just hand it over with the next crisis. I’m worth it. So are you.
Nicole…I love that…”He didn’t just hand freedom to me on a silver platter and walk away hoping I’d know how to hold on to it. No. He’s made me own it so I won’t just hand it over with the next crisis. I’m worth it.”…sister, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it put better. That’s going on my mirror first thing in the morning!!! It is for FREEDOM that we have been set FREE!
Thank you for sharing Gay.
I am Karen, a follow of Christ Jesus.. and I struggle with
fear and codependency.
“My chains are gone, I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace…”
I was turning 40, my beloved mother died, my daughter was sick as she was beginning high school and my son, age 5, was battling autism. He became so difficult that I despaired his life and my own. I guess I was still going through the the motions of life during that time… doing church, Beth Moore Bible studies, working…but God heard my cry for help. My son turned to art for his anxiety and frustration relief. He began to draw. I saw a few of those drawings recently and a simple cartoon of Buzz and Woody was God’s answer to my hopelessness!
Love you Sarah!
I am absolutely mesmerized by your story. I am out in the workplace day after day and always wonder what is really going on behind the scenes in others’ lives. I was raised differently from most…being raised in a traditional, conservative family…but we still had our share of issues along the way. The puzzling thing about this story is how “functioning” folks are with some really severe diseases/additions/issues. People say things and exhibit actions that prove not everything in life is “hunky dory”, but gracious, you just never know until someone can express themselves like you have. I appreciate your story because it shows a real dark side to this world…and the issues of this world have as much variety as people have personalities. Other additions have taken hold of folks, but they, too, appear to be “functioning”…now I know for sure prayer is the only answer I can offer and give!
Although it is quite minor, the everyday news has a way of making me lose hope, but I continually have to remind myself that God is in control…and this worn out world is going away someday soon for something WAY better!
Once again, this is such a powerful story, and such a help to me. I finally went to my first Al-Anon meeting today to help me cope with a beloved addict because of your series of writings. Your paragraph saying that “at first you drank to feel normal” rang a bell with me; it’s very hard for me to figure out what is going on in my loved one’s head, and why any vacations from work tend to bring out the beast. Gay, thanks for what you are teaching us. And praise God for His redemption, one day at a time.
I felt very hopeless several years back when we had moved across country, my husband lost his job after less than 2 years there, leaving him very depressed and angry, I experienced old and new health problems that that left me exhausted and limping, it rained for 2 whole months, money got very tight, my husband started a job he was not well-suited for on commission and worked across from a blonde former model that laughed at all his jokes, my aunt committed suicide, and I got caught in a scary flash flood, causing my van to break down repeatedly for weeks afterwards till we paid for another expensive repair. And not long after that, we thought we hit bottom. But then the bottom fell out. Suffice it to say, things got way worse before they got better, and one day when another devastating event happened, I yelled at God that He had broken His promise not to fail us or forsake us!
Strangely enough, God “whispered” to me instead of yelling back. I opened my Bible minutes later to a verse saying “Be still and know that I am God.” That made no sense, so I opened a hymn book and the hymn title was “Be Still and Know that I am God.” Feeling no encouragement from that, I went to check my email and found 6 messages with the headline “Be still and know that I am God.” Six friends told me they felt I needed that verse that day! That day nothing about that verse made sense to me, but I understand it now!
Fortunately, God had sent a wonderful Bible Study into my life that year called “Believing God,” by Beth Moore, and we pressed on in faith for a long time before the hurricane force winds stopped. One day we found the winds had swept the ground clean, and we were standing on the Solid Rock all along. After a long time of suffering, God quickly restored us financially, spiritually and emotionally, and even let us move back home to Florida, close to the family, friends and sunshine I had left 3 years earlier, never knowing if we’d be back. I have learned to trust in His unfailing love through that experience.
Whatever you are facing, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!
FloridaLizzy,
I loved your testimony and especially “One day we found the winds had swept the ground clean, and we were standing on the Solid Rock all along.” Thank you for your encouraging words.
Laura
As a victim of domestic child abuse, my grandmother was the only person I trusted & felt safe with. We loved each other, even though we never said it. When she died during my senior year of college, I was completely devastated and abandoned.
I plunged into various depths of depression and suicidal tendencies for over 12 years. Most mornings, when I woke up, I hated to open my eyes, because it meant I was stuck on this planet for another day.
Eventually, I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. I used multiple substances daily, and a number of times tried to OD, hoping for the end.
But God…
Oh, Michele, I have “known” you as a fellow siesta for these past several years and come to love and appreciate you but I did not know this part of your real story. This tenders me so. No wonder you’ve invited God’s Word to go so deep. Do not hear these words casually or routinely: Jesus loves you so much, Child. So, so much. He approves of you. Let His love as deep as His Word. He never sends forth His Truth without His boundless affection in tow. You are so loved here. Part of the spine of this community really.
Thank you so much for your encouragement. As much as God has already done, some remnants remain. I still just want to go Home.
I heard you teach about how we must take the healing as deep as the wound went. My answer is no, I obviously still have not done that, and have no idea how to do so.
…But God does.
I so appreciate you and many others I’ve come to know here.
Michele,
I am so very sorry you had to endure such abuse. You are precious and beautiful and I am so glad that God saved you and delivered you. You are not only my Siesta, you are my friend. God is good!!! Keep Shining for Jesus!!!
<3 <3 <3
I cannot imagine what you have been through, but Thank you God that Michele is here and alive!! I always love your comments and insight, plus you make me laugh. While I may never meet you face to face , you are important to me.
Love,
Jill
That is so sweet, thank you!
Thank you again for sharing your story, Gay. Reading it has given me hope. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. At first I was in denial. How could a psychologist who had only seen me professionally twice make such a devastating diagnosis? I was so upset that I never went back to him. The internet is full of information on BPD, none of it encouraging. The more I read, the more I realized what had been wrong with me for most of my life. I don’t want to make this too long — time after time, I repented of the hurt I had caused others; the malicious things I had said; the desire to get even with every single person who had ever hurt me. God always forgives, but people don’t. Several times, my tearful apology and request for forgiveness from others was not accepted. Others said they forgave me, but then continued to avoid me. I’ve been ousted from several groups (book discussion, knitting); the last just two weeks ago. There is no “cure” for BPD; counseling is recommended, but I don’t have anything left to say — but God. He hasn’t given up on me.
Lynn, God can cure anything. Nothing is impossible for Him. Praying right now that He will heal your heart and your “fight or flight” instincts. The hardest step is coming out of denial and you’ve already done that! Keep going forward with God’s help, sister! If you’ve not read it, “The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorder”, 1997, by J Santoro and R. Cohen, New Harbinger Publications, might provide some guidance and direction. Blessings!
I had given up hope of a dream. Life has been so hard for so long! I had cried out to God and he spoke to me through his word. Genesis 16:13
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her:
“You are the God who sees me” for she said “I have now seen the one who sees me”.
There is hope for our hearts and His name is Jesus.
Much love to you, Gay!
Heather
I remember attending an LPM event in Hershey PA several years ago where Beth talked about a close family member who had been suffering for years with alcoholism and had lost everything at was a crucial point in their life. I remember being so compelled to pray for the family member and thinking how odd that it weighed that heavy on me and I didn’t even know them. I read this story and I fight back tears thinking about how awesome our God is. I praise Him for your testimony Gay and that He is using you to reach so many. I praise Him for Beth, a sister that I’m sure never quit praying and believing that God would see you through. The more I experience God and see Him work the more in awe I am of Him and the more I want to serve Him. Thank you both for your faithfulness and living out loud for His glory.
Thank you, Gay, for your 3rd installment. It is amazing to think of where you have been, and where you are now.
I had given up hope of my husband and I having children with our genes (in other words, without adopting) in April, 2002. We had already been “trying” for over 2 years and were an “unexplained” infertility case.
One day in our worship service, I prayed something like this: “Lord, we really want to have a baby with our own genes, to see what he or she would be like. However, if that has not happened in one year, we will not take any more steps and will adopt a child instead.” In other words, we wouldn’t take any steps to overcome our infertility.
Looking back, I can see that I was finally giving up control in that area of our life. (Thy will be done.) We had some testing done in January, 2003 and were going to try one more thing in March, 2003. The year was going to be up, and I’d already begun to look into adoption.
We found out that I was pregnant in mid-February, 2003! I went through the whole pregnancy in a sort of disbelief. Our daughter was born at the end of October, 2003, nearly 4 years after we had initially begun trying to have children.
That is my story of giving up hope…and beginning to hand things over to God.
Tanya
P.S. That little girl we had is the one in the photo from the SSMT celebration. She has been such a blessing to me and my husband in so many ways. God is good and can be trusted more than we know!
Dearest Gay,
Your words penetrate to the very marrow of my soul. Your story mirrors my younger brother’s life right now. He has been walking in drunkenness for for over 20 years now. All of my siblings have given up on him. My dad only knows to throw money at the problem which compounds it. As I read your words, I live your pain. I know it all too well having experienced it with my brother. The tears sting my eyes as I read. I am already praying in great anticipation of your final installment – hoping that it will give me the wisdom to help my brother. I told him I will give up on him when God does.
I celebrate with you the abundant life that you now have in Christ Jesus. He is our only hope. He is all we need.
Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. You are not alone and your testimony is hope for others of us who have loved ones with that same dreaded disease. You are a hero in my heart. May God bless you and continue to hold you close.
Gay, don’t you love, love, love God! He has brought me through much as well. This week I plan on meditating on how great His love is for me. I believe if I can grasp how deeply He loves me – it will change me even more!
i posted too soon, i meant to also say this:
i’m really scared that i have messed up too much for god to love me or forgive me. it’s more than drugs and alcohol. i have done so many other things and i still struggle with some. i’m scared that there is no way god could forgive me. i can’t even forgive myself. yes, i’m sober and clean for 8 months now, but i had that abortion when i was 19. i still sometimes cut. the sexual things i have done are too embarrassing to even admit to. i feel dirty and unworthy. how can god forgive me?
gay, please keep writing.
beth, thank you for writing and for letting gay share your space.
Oh Brittany, my heart goes out to you! How can God love any of us? yet – He does! I am dirty and unworthy – yet He picks us all up – washes us in His blood and presents us before His Father a pure spotless bride because of Him!! I pray the Lord lavishes His love on you today as you walk out of the pit. You are in a wonderful community of truth to help you in your journey.
Praying for you my beloved sister. You are loved and lifting you up before the throne of grace!!
Have you read any of Beth’s book’s? They helped me!!
My heart breaks for the pain you are currently experiencing, Brittany. You are in my prayers to our Great and Mighty Healer.
Brittany, thank you so much for sharing where you are at right now. You have stepped into the light by sharing with us and I applaud you for your great courage to do so!! Please know that you are so very loved here. There is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus and that most definitely includes you. Even with all of your sin. You are loved like crazy by a scandellous God who chose to come for those of us who are sick and weak and broken. I am praying for you that God will lead you to a good Christian counselor (to help process all those hurts and walk with you to freedom from shame) and that “your heart will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident HOPE He has given to those He called….I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe Him” Ephesians 1:18-19. Believe it girl! He loves and forgives you!!!
Brittany,
No one has ever “messed up too much for God to love them”. God is always right there waiting for you to turn back to Him. He loves you so much. As humans, we can’t fathom the depth of His love and that makes it hard for us to accept the forgiveness He so readily offers. Are you involved in a support group of any kind or maybe a small group of women in your church? I think a support system is necessary for us to get through the rough spots. I am praying that God will touch your life in a way that helps you to accept the forgiveness He has already granted.
Brittany, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption…Ps 130:7
There is hope and healing, I know, I have been where you are. It is so hard to forgive ourselves after abortion, but you have to know that God isn’t as concerned with us forgiving ourselves as he is with us accepting His forgiveness.Once you accept the Grace that God made available to you,and the forgiveness that casts your sins into the sea of forgetfulness, you can live in the light! God loves you,he forgives you, and he wants to heal your past. The shame is what keeps us in hiding, but He took all of that on himself on the cross…live in freedom, girl! Find a post-abortion healing group, call a crisis pregnancy center near you, or a church nearby, and ask if these groups are offered. You will find the healing that you need, I did. Now I am a group leader, and it is a miracle, I am a miracle, and so are you. You are a survivor. Don’t let Satan use this about your past anymore, bring in out into God’s healing light. I will be praying for you…
Brittany, this sister loves you. The kind of love God has for us is beyond words. I do know He passes it on to us to give and if there was a way I could reach across cyber-space and wrap you in my arms so you could feel the overwhelming love of God…here is the best I can do ((((((((Brittany))))))))). I pray you feel it and God answers the prayers of those who love Him. “This is how we know to rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love, lives in God and God in them.” I John 4:16 Always consider how loved you are by all the Siesta’s and “live” in love which is God.
Brittany, I wish I was sitting beside you right now and I would hold your hand and cry with you and tell you that God loves you and there is nothing, say it again NOTHING, that God doesn’t forgive you for. Before you think I am just some church lady, that is repeating empty words, I have lived it too Brittany, I had not one but two abortions and it was only 10 years after did I start to seek forgiveness. and like Miss Gay says BUT, GOD forgives, GOD loves, GOD cares, GOD cried tears with you. There is forgivenness,There are post-abortive Bible studies that will walk with you through this. Then you will be free, free from all shame and guilt. I will pray for you Brittany.
GOD works in our lives, I was getting ready to post that my hopeless moments were coming to the end of myself and turning to God for forgiveness from abortion when I saw Brittany’s post. Oh, hang in there Brittany, but GOD……..
Britney,
DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE! You are loved. YOU are a treasured child of the most high God. DO NOT FORGET THAT. I have a 21-year-old son who is right now walking in the same valley in which you walk. If only he knew how much I love him and how much more God loves him! It is never too late. Never. I pray that you also have a family that is praying for you every day, and I will pray for you too, my dear. I love you and God loves you so much more. God is big and mighty and He waits for you to turn to Him. He knows everything you have done. Everything. He loves you still. Trust in that, believe in that, hold to that truth. I believe in you!
Brittany,
Thank you for sharing your heart; I know that was not easy. I just want to sit with you and hug you, but know that I am praying for you even as I type this. I have felt the way you feel right now, so ashamed and embarrassed over things I had done, feeling like there was no way I could ever find my way back into God’s presence. But I hope and pray that He makes it so clear to you right now that He loves you more than you could ever know, and he is not ashamed of you. He is NOT ashamed of you! It sounds like you are already in a place of brokenness, so you really are in the perfect spot for Him to heal you. Jesus came to bind up your broken heart, and to turn your ashes into a crown of beauty, and to set you free {Isaiah 61}. I pray that you find that healing soon!
Brittany, you are brave. You are not alone. I am a former cutter and there is victory. Get your stuff in the light, find a trustworthy person and call when you want to cut and confess that stuff b/c it loses it’s grip on you when you do…you can do this, you can…the fact that you are reading this post and responding says you’ve got the tools to finish this job…the job of being free and giving Jesus all of the glory.
Amen Melissa!!
Brittany
I rarely comment on others posts, but today I felt the Lord leading me to respond to you. I say this to you not to “preach” at you, but to encourage you and pray in His name that his Words speak to you. Micah 7:19 says that “He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.” Hebrews 8:12 says “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.” Hebrews 10:17 says And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Heb 10:17 These are promises he made to YOU!!! He will toss all of your past mistakes into the SEA OF FORGETFULNESS…once you ask for his forgiveness you are forgiven. HIS Forgiveness, includes HIS Forgetfulness.
When the pain of your own unforgiveness and regret is too much, remember the greatest promise he gave us. JESUS LOVES YOU and nothing (absolutely nothing) can separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. When I get overwhelmed and hopeless, repeating Jesus Loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so gives me such peace. I just say over and over, Jesus Loves me, Jesus Loves me. Saying it leads to believing it and oh my fellow Siesta how he does LOVE YOU.
I will be praying for you.
Brittany,
Hi. I saw your post and I just wanted to encourage you that NOTHING anyone does is too hard or impossible for God to save or cleanse you from! Sin is sin no matter how we as humans rate it. No sin is greater than the next. I was recently talking to a friend who made me realize that I have to forgive myself because God has forgiven me! Brittany, God doesn’t want you to live in fear. Please read 2 Timothy 1:7 as well as Zephaniah 3:17. Our God is mighty to save. No matter how detestable or filthy we think we are. I’ve been struggling with sexual sins for almost 7 years and I promise you that God is working. He’s moving and He desires for you to come to him! He has the power to make you whole and pure again! I encourage you to just go to Him. He will accept you with open arms and will love on you like no earthly man can! I’m praying for you!
God does love you and He does forgive you. He will use your story to help others if you allow Him. He will make you clean and pure, white as snow. All you have to do is let HIm.Picture you in His arms, He is taking away all your pain, guilt, and shame. He is making you new in HIm.Allow Him to heal you so He can use you.
Dear precious Brittany…your story, every wonderful, miserable, joyful, lowly, praiseworthy, glorious, redemptive word…is part of HIS story! Your story, sweet Brittany, reminded me of a meditation by J.I. Packer on God’s knowledge of us: “There is tremendous relief in knowing that HIS love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the WORST about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I’m so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me”. This truth is a reality for you and me and Beth and Susie and Jill….so on and so on!! Remember His love to” YOU “is “based on PRIOR knowledge of the WORST about” you! There is no sin too big that Jesus’ love is not bigger still! And NOTHING…NOTHING can snatch you out of His mighty hand.
You are important, you are valued, you are loved!!
Brittany – how can God forgive you? – by LOVING you and providing you forgiveness of sins thru His Son Christ Jesus.
The very reason He sent His Son for you was that He so loved the world – each person not the sin.
Look towards God! For God looks at His beautiful Child – Brittany.
Oh, dear Brittany, you are in my prayers. How I pray that you will know that our precious Jesus came to this earth for YOU. For YOU and all you have done. His blood has washed it all away and made you clean again. YOU are the reason He came. My prayer is that you will have the peace that He wants you to have.
Dear Brittany~
I never felt “worthy” either for so many years, and that led me to do so many things…things I could never post either…but a sweet sister once said “we can never “out-sin” His love and mercy!” He wants you to know how much He loves you! No one is more or less worthy to Him since we can’t earn his love 🙂 It is His love for us, that gives us Hope and strength -and His love is what makes us worthy! His love is Unconditional -there is nothing we can do that will make Him stop loving us or give up on us. I so understand the woman in the Bible that was described as “she who has been forgiven for so much, in turn loves so much” -because that’s me too – and each of us in an infinite number of ways. You are His treasure and not alone. He hears your thoughts and worries and hopes and needs. How can God forgive you? Thankfully the same way He did for me, and for each of us – through Jesus’s love that washes away our brokenness when our heart trusts Him…He is always trustworthy and will not let you down…whenever your heart asks, He forgives 🙂 I love you!
Hugs,
Sandy
Oh, brittany, there is nothing God won’t forgive! The only unforgivable sin is rejecting his son as the Messiah! Beyond that, absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God! Romans 8:38-39
I have also acted out sexually in ways I cannot yet admit to a single other human being, not even a professional counselor! They’re just too embarrassing and shameful! Even non-Christians would totally freak out if they knew! NO ONE knows. I got pregnant in high school and had a miscarriage, but was planning to have an abortion. I may not have had the abortion, but God still knows what I was planning and He still forgave me. I know He will forgive you, too. All you have to do is ask. Only once and it’s done! He died on the cross so you could have that! Don’t waste it! Don’t waste what He suffered for YOU! He knows everything I’ve done and He’s forgiven all of it!!I still have a lot of healing to do, but I KNOW that He has forgiven me! And don’t keep asking, it only makes you feel even more as if you aren’t forgiven. Best advice I’ve EVER been given! Only when I stopped asking did I finally start to FEEL forgiven! Love you, girl!
Brittany, nothing is impossible with God. I used to go to my pastor’s office before I knew Jesus with what I called the sin of the week. I too used drugs, had rampant sex, and had an abortion. God used that abortion to save me. I realized one day I had broken all Ten Commandments. I went into my pastor’s office and confessed that abortion. I told my pastor, “No way God could love me or want me in His Kingdom.”
My pastor said two things to me, one was kind of tough. He said, “So you’re saying that Jesus failed, that He didn’t do enough work on the cross to cover your sins.” – No, Jesus died for all our sins and had victory over them. Then Pastor Don pointed out about how Paul stood by, holding a cloak and watched Christians be stoned to death. If Paul had blood on his hand and did so much good for God’s Kingdom, how can I say that I can’t be used by God.
God loves you – and His love is pure – He loves you before you even knew He cared, He loves you with a pure love – not a love that says, “I will love you if you do this or that.”
I still have repercussions from some of my sins, but God is a healer and a restorer. He will restore those years the locusts ate.
God bless you.
Brittany,
Jesus did the work on the cross. All you have to do is believe! John 6:28-29 the disciples asked Jesus this: 28Then they asked him, “What is the work that God requires?” 29Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”
And what do we believe ABOUT Jesus?? We believe He died for our SINS! Brittany you need to confess out loud: “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus!”@ Corinthians 5:21. Not YOUR righteousness, but IN Christ. And Brittany, when you confess your sins BY FAITH you must believe the Lord forgives you. Why? It’s in His word. Brittany, it takes time for God to change us, but you have to start by recognizing the truth. You are the one exception to His grace – His blood covers you – receive that gift with joy!! And start confessing who you are in Christ! You are His child (1 John 3:2)! Even of it seems untrue when you say it, Brittany, it’s not! It IS true! Brittany, condemnation is NEVER from the Lord – conviction is – and conviction feels wonderful and freeing – like someone taking a speck out of your eye that you didn’t even know was there! Brittany – fight for your freedom! This in your inheritance in Christ!! xoxo!
p.s. Thank you so much, Gay! You’re awesome!
Oops! That should say: you are NOT the one exception to His grace!
ps I’m saying all this with tons of LOVE!! I just use a lot of exclamation points!!
Brittany,
My heart goes out to you as I read your words and your pain. Please KNOW this, YOU ARE LOVED!Also – know this, if you are in Christ Jesus…”I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39 and also know this… “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:9 Christ died for your sins and for my sins, He loves you and doesn’t want you to have to live under the burden of guilt and shame. So glad you shared your heart here with this community of loving sisters who will pray for you and support you.
Lovingly,
Janie
Beloved Brittany, I say this: “Satan’s power is broken!” Believe it, receive it and live it! You are loved, forgiven and accepted in the beloved. The self-hatred will stop as you begin to bask in the love of our One and Only who paid the price to gain your liberty. Oh, how He loves us…oh, how he loves you.
Brittany – I will be praying for you sweetheart. There are few worse things than feeling unloved and not knowing your worth in Christ. Please know that his love for us is unfathomable in that there’s nothing we can do to make him love us more, and there’s nothing we can do to make him love us less.
If you are interested in a bible study of any kind, there’s none I recommend more than Breaking Free – I’ve done it twice and will likely continue to revisit it every couple of years because it’s one of the most freeing things I’ve ever taken part in…
Brittany,
Praying for you. I am sad your heart is hurting. Satan is a ruthless fighter. His objective is to get us isolated. In our family, we talk about that fact that he loves to have the battle with us on a mystic (imaginary) island. If we believe we are alone, He wins. He has kicked me in the gut when I have been down more than I would like to count. I admire your honesty and courage to break the isolation, even in cyberspace.
I don’t know if I can do this on this blog or not. I would love to suggest you watch this You Tube Video. It is my one of my new favorite songs, put to moving video clips from The Passion of the Christ. If you watch this video, (it is pretty graphic) know the Bible says, Jesus was thinking of each of us when He did that. He took all our punishment. He could, because He is “The Great I Am”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFa4Q6elRgE&feature=related
I pray He shows you the way He sees you Brittany!!! You are loved with an everlasting love.
Brittany, dear one, please forgive yourself first and foremost. It is so clear you have a Godly sorrow and repented from some poor choices. By telling us immediately Satan lost his grip on you. You are clean 8 months and what a blessing that is. I too have had two abortions and suffered 3 DUI’s, arrested for disorderly conduct, wrote a bad check and basically fired from several good jobs. I should have been at the top of my industry. I had sorrow over the loss of my parents at an early age and very little coping skills. You have and so do I and all who wholeheartedly walk with Jesus a redeeming powerful love. I am amazed how if I am dealing with a dilemma I just want to know what do do about it, pray. Things are brought to light. I have divorced many friendships this year and now fellowship with women of Godly integrity, who are mature in the faith. This has assisted me seeing their walk. Please receive some Godly counsel, worship with a Godly congregation who cares. Many churches have renewal programs. I trust you are reading these loving healing words from me and others. It is the Love of Christ coming forth for you! He is a can do get it done kind of God and he wants you as His child. I love you.
Sweet Brittany,
Let me thank you. Your comment opened my eyes to something I wasn’t even aware I was doing. I was denying myself the gift of Christ’s forgiveness.
Basically, when we do this, we’re saying to Jesus that we don’t trust Him. That the sacrifice He made for us, the blood that He spilled from His own body for us…is not good enough to save us. In effect, we’re spitting on His blood.
Now, I know you would never want to do this…no one would. But that is the truth of what happens when we deny Him. Oh, sweet girl, don’t do this to Him or to yourself. Allow Him to be your Saviour…you can trust Him. His blood is all-powerful, nothing can stand against it. Not abortion, not homosexuality, not lying, or even alcoholism.
I’ll be praying for you, precious heart. And again, thank you for helping me to remember all of these points and that there is nothing I can do that will overpower His blood.
Brittany — A man called the Mercy Street offices last week who had seen our newscast on Fox News. He told me that he had been in prison for 25 years but out for 3-1/2. He told me that he had done unthinkable, unforgivable things and that although he believed in God and went to church every Sunday, he still felt like a square peg in a round hole. He said, “I just wish that God would forgive me.” Brittany, I listened to him and my heart broke because I really thought, I REALLY THOUGHT, that I was too far gone for God, that He had given up on me or that He didn’t exist at all. I felt the same way this man felt, the same way YOU FEEL. I told him on the phone that God is so easy on us — He forgives all and loves all. He has already forgiven you, Brittany. It is US who cannot forgive ourselves. It is what the devil wants because he doesn’t want us free! He doesn’t want us to forgive ourselves because IF WE DO, we just might break loose of the chains and live to tell of the glories of Almighty God. I had to forgive myself, Brittany, because WHO WAS I not to forgive myself if Jesus had already forgiven me on the cross?? I don’t think I could have forgiven myself without knowing that. I also had to get into a church community where I could be ME, all of me, all alcoholic me (in recovery, of course) and let those people love me tangibly until I could love myself and then EXPERIENCE the love of God. I don’t know if I sound like I’m rambling or not. I wish I could sit down and have a strong cup of coffee with you. Know, my sweet Sister, that God’s love and forgiveness have no boundaries. He is infinity and beyond!!! Give yourself a break, girlfriend. Let us love you until you can love yourself. That’s what its all about! You are in my most earnest prayers.
Loved you are,
Gay
My sweet sister Brittany,
I read this comment and cried. I cried because as your sister is Christ I share in your pain and I cried because as a redeemed child of God I can relate to your pain. I know that in the depths of your pain you have a craving for wholeness: a craving to feel and believe that God”s righteous grace extends to even you. Not only does it belong to you: it exists for YOU! Every feeling of doubt, every ounce of fear, and every convincing thought that you are unworthy is a lie straight from the devil himself. The devil wants you to be bound by shame so he can prevent you from the abundant and spirit filled life God has for you. The devil is relentless and he uses our minds has his personal playground. He used my mind for years (I’m still recovering from his repetitive jabs with a pogo stick) and wore himself out tormenting me with suffocating shame. But when I gave every piece of my shattered and broken heart to the Lord He showed me His grace and mercy. God doesn’t keep track of your brokenness, He just asks that you give it all to Him so He can restore you to completeness in Him. God loves us in spite of who we are not because of who we are. His love is your only answer. His love contains the freedom you crave. His love exceeds the pains of this world. His love won’t fail us even when we fail ourselves. I’m praying for you so much and claiming your victory in Christ alone!
Dearest Brittany…you have been on my heart since I first read this post 3 days ago. A very loved woman recently taught a lesson on the woman in Luke 8 who had enough faith to just touch the seam of His garmet and found healing. The point was made that:
You CANNOT be too unclean for Jesus-
You CAN’T make Him unclean.
We just aren’t that capable. His Holy robe is BIG enough for ALL of us to grab on. He is SO big, SO mighty and SO capable…there is NOTHING we can do that He can’t forgive.
Jesus gave his life for YOU. You’re that special.
Although we have never met, I love you, sister…and I am continuing to pray for you. Be bold. Stay in the Word. <3 Chin up…because you ARE loved.
Oh Brittany, I am saying this to you and to myself because I need to hear this in my heart too…after reading all those replies to your post from other siestas who feel a love for you in Christ, I love you in Christ too! It’s from Him. You and I, we need know that we know His Truth concerning us. It is impossible for Him to lie or deceive us.(Hebrews 6:18) We are plenty good at lying to our selves or listening to the enemy our our souls tell us lies about ourselves. I pray this for you and I, and any other siesta on this blog that needs wholeness and healing in Christ: Lord, we know this, greater are You Who lives in us than he who is in the world. We want to really believe You when you tell us that we have been washed, we have been sanctified, and we have been justified ( 1 Cor. 6:11). We are loved by You and nothing and no one, not even ourselves is able to change that truth about us! You are our hope. You are the Way for us, the Truth for us, and the Life for us! Save us, and we will be saved! Heal us, and WE WILL BE HEALED (Jer. 17:14) For You are our praise, and You are Faithful to us, and You are able also to save us-Brittany and I and anyone else who ever lived, for all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God-to the UTTERMOST. You are Able. (Heb. 7:25) May we never forget Your Truths about us Lord! May we believe you and do what you say, not being a forgetful hearer, but an effectual doer of Your Word! By your grace we are what we are…the righteous will live by faith…for from Him and through Him and to Him are all things…To You, Lord, be the glory forever. Amen and Amen!
Brittany…PRAYING! for you to feel God’s overwhelming love!
Oh Brittany – I so feel your pain. It sounds as if you feel unworthy, I would guess in part because you haven’t totally forgiven yourself. Sister you must continue to do so, every day if necessary until you BELLIEVE you are forgiven. You can’t let God down because sweet sister you were NEVER holding Him up. :o) It’s the paradox of faith isn’t it? We do what we do out of obedience and total love for a Father that loved us while we were yet unloveable…..8 months clean & sober,Yay for you!! Let one victorious day build on the next! My favorite pro life saying – Abortion, 1 dead, 1 wounded. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying that you are able to grasp just how wide, deep and unexhaustable God’s love is for you!
(((hugs)))
Brittany, my heart breaks for you. I know that I am NOT the only one praying for you to know the truth.
This is a poem that I wrote years ago and I pray that it helps you.
Jesus had no surprises on the cross.
Before HE went – HE knew.
There were no new revelations.
Not one time did HE say,
“If I had known this about you, I would not have come.”
No, He knew it all and He still chose the way of the cross.
As new blows of hammers found their marks
And fresh blood drops sprinkled Jerusalem’s soil…
His heart cried for all eternity,
“I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE.”
Brittany, Sister I am praying for you and will keep praying for you. I have been where you are. Trust me, If God could pull me out of the pit of my mess and despair and love me, He will do the same from you. You cannot go anywhere, even in your pit, that God isn’t. And God is not man. He loves you so much, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what you have done, God still loves you and so do I! You are not alone!
Brittany,
Oh sister, I love you and God loves you more than you can even imagine. I’m so glad that you were able to share where you are right now.
Please keep reminding yourself that there is NOTHING you can do that is so bad that God won’t love you AND forgive you. While humanly you can’t imagine that, believe it! His ways are so amazing that we can’t understand them.
Not only does He love and forgive you but even more, he washes you whiter than snow.
Psalm 103: 2-4
Bless the Lord, O my soul. And forget none of His benefits; Who pardons ALL your iniquities; who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit; Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion.
Brittany–I know what being in the pit is like. I pray that somehow through the numbness and pain you feel May His compassion wash over you.
So many love you and most importantly HE loves you.
I’m praying for you to feel that love.
Oh Brittany,
God can and does forgive for all that we have done. In fact you need to know that He has ALREADY forgiven you! The second that you asked Him for forgiveness it was yours. Christ died for you, so that you could live in the freedom He freely gives you. Our mess ups are NOT bigger than our God! It is satan’s desire to keep you feeling the guilt and shame that your sins are making you feel. Satan does not want you to live in freedom, because if you do then God wins and when God wins, you win. You were created in His image, He did NOT make a mistake when he created you. It is through our struggles, addictions, and trials that we become the women that God wants us to be. It is through those same things that our testimonies are built. Beth and Gay would not be who they are today or have the influence that they have, if they lived different lives. God uses our mistakes, to mold us. He uses our mistakes to reach us, and to reach other people. Don’t give up hope. Your God Loves you as much today, as He did the day you were born. You are a beautiful woman inside and out! Please know that I will be praying for you, keep reaching out to God, He will hear and answer you!
Dear Gay,
Thank you for, once again, sharing such a powerful testimony. I cannot begin to imagine all that you endured in your struggle with this awful disease. But praise God for your deliverance! And your ability to be such an honest witness to a battle that so many are fighting is all to God’s glory.
I gave up hope when I had been trying to conceive a baby for 7 years without success. I had tried treatments that had failed. As I watched many friends and family members easily conceive and deliver, I slid further into sadness. I remember my mom telling me she had faith motherhood would happen for me and I said back to her, through tears, that she’d have to believe for the 2 of us that it would happen because my hope was gone. I told her I was angry at God but that I loved Him and knew He understood my anger. He was more gracious to me than I deserved. Within a year, my husband and I adopted a precious baby boy. We were even present at his birth!
Our adoption story is filled with many ‘God moments’ and too long for this post. I’ve already taken up too much space. Suffice it to say that God tenderly reminded me that HE NEVER GIVES UP! He is always at work in our lives and His plan is always better than we can dream for ourselves. I will trust Him always.
I pray that anyone reading this comment who is struggling with infertility knows that she’s not alone. God has a plan for her. And her heart’s desire is in my prayers.
All of your stories…then God, Abba…stepped in. He is our strong tower!
By God’s great grace, at 23 (it was 2003) at a 12 pack a day at 115lbs, a couple took me under their wing, told me I had to quit for 1 month, bought me a Bible, and drug me to something I didn’t even know existed, Bible study. One guess who my teacher was?? To Him be the be the glory for saving my rear because this would have been my story! I will be sober 9 years this April! May God spare millions by using your story!!
Gay, Thank you for the courage to share your struggles and the rawness that you have felt. God brought me to this sight tonight; I haven’t been on Beth’s blog for about a year, but God wanted me to see this and hear your story. His Grace is sufficient indeed – His mercies are new every morning. I struggle with the sins of my past and wonder if I’ll ever forgive myself for the many years of destruction. How do we move past our mistakes and enter into His freedom when Satan won’t quit telling his lies into me? I’m praying for you and thanking God in advance for your protection and your healing. God bless you!
For me, I drink to make the anxiety of the day go away. To forget the pain. Coming from a family of a church staff member, it’s my great secret. Thank you for your honesty. I don’t know what to do…
Please consider going to an AA meeting . . . today!
I have gone twice and was extremely blessed and encouraged. http://www.aa.org
Pat,
I pray our sweet Jesus will quiet the anxiety and His strength and peace will flow over your wounded spirit bringing healing to the deep wounds. You are loved, you are in a safe place here. But God…what He did for Gay, He will do for you. Pour out your heart and take one step. Your sisters are here for you.
WOW!! The Spirit is growing inside me as I type this. He has prompted me to write this part of our very painful story, knowing that many who “know” me from the blog do not know this part of our story.
My sweet, dear, amazing 19 year old son came to us when he was 16 and told us he was gay. I thought I would die. We had raised him to love the LORD. We had raised him to believe, to trust; we taught him that Jesus was The way, The truth, and The life. But he was choosing a different path.
I had failed. That is what I thought. God had put so many dreams in my heart concerning my sweet boy, and for my ministry for Him, and now it was all broken. Broken.
All I could think of for a whole 2 and 1/2 years was, “How did this happen?” I was broken.
But it was in that brokenness that God started teaching me His ways. He started teaching me that His gift and call are irrevocable, and although I couldn’t see how, God would use this in my life for His glory and also in my son’s life for His Glory.
I would LOVE to tell you that almost 3 years since that cold March day in 2009, that my boy has come back to God and is living sold out to Him, but that is not his testimony right now, not yet, but it will be.
If anyone out there is struggling with this, or have a child who is, please know that God loves you and that dear child. God has brought my sweet son and I so much closer together through this brokenness, but there were certainly moments that I thought hopelessness would take over my life, but instead of hopelessness, I chose brokenness. I decided that I would go to God in my brokenness. And ladies, He has showed up so much more than I even knew was possible.
My word for last year was steadfast, which broke way into gratefulness and this year my word is Grace that has broke it’s way into Dream Big. God is asking me to Dream Big this year. So I am dreaming BIG and I’m gonna watch God do exceedingly abundantly beyond all I can ask or imagine.
He is mighty to save and I’m gonna watch Him SHOW UP BIG in my son’s life and in other’s lives who Satan is trying to destroy.
Thank you for allowing me to share this.
Thank you.
Dawn
My heart is aching for you….what a grip that was on you. And WOW….what an incredible testimony. Are you not touring the country, speaking on this?!?!? This is amazing. It’s raw…beautiful…God. Wow.
I really don’t have words, but I really hope you don’t keep us waiting for the 4th installment!
WOW! Thank you Gay for continuing to tell us your story. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your story gives me so much hope for extended members of my family. It has been hard for me to understand why a loved one would walk away from three small children and an awesome wife. This so sheds some light on this disease. I’m not going to give up hope that God can still make some big changes even if I don’t see them happening anytime soon. God is God and He will not give up on His children. I will pray for your daily walk of sobriety. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, Gay, how hard your words are to hear, but how hard they must have been to live. Thank you for your courage, transparency, honesty, humor, tears. I love you, siesta, and can’t wait ’til the “but God” end.
Thank you again, Gay, for sharing your story. God truly is great!
I was six when the sexual abuse began. At the same time, my parents were going through a divorce. The abuse would continue for the next four years. My world had been shattered, and I had lost all hope. There was no one who I could turn to, and I wouldn’t utter a single word about it for the next 13 years.
But God stepped in and redeemed my life in the middle of the storms. He restored that which had been broken into a million pieces, and proved to be so faithful. Now, my hope is found in Him, and in Him alone.
all i can say is wow! powerful!
You will never know how much good you are doing by just telling your story so honestly. There are people who have been on your side of it, and there are those who are not. My Mom and brother are both recovering alcoholics (praise God!) and though I have never met my father I gather he is/was an alcoholic as well. I have watched my loved ones morph into “beasts” and it is scary. When I was young I was afraid for my own safety, and as I got older I was afraid for theirs. After they were sober I was afraid that something would push them back over that edge. I have hated alcohol as long as I can remember.
Sometimes my life feels like quicksand and I am continually getting sucked down into a pit. I struggle to hold onto what I believe God has told me, what he wants for me and my marriage. At moments I lose hope. But God gives me tiny reminders that he is still there and He hasn’t given up.
In the past few years I have lost hope in friendships. Sometimes being a leader and someone people come to can become a very lonely place. Very lonely. And when you realize that then that can lead down that slippery slope of depression. Tough places to be for sure … even just last week. But God … will sustain me, satisfy me, fulfill me and love me wholly.
Robin, take care U!! Do somethin fun! Tea partys work for me even if its only me an one other person
Awww … thank you Aleta! I may just take you up on that advice and try to find a girlfriend for just a little girl time this weekend. Thanks for your encouragement 🙂
I had my first lesson with the James Bible study. I’m thinking someone kind of LOST IT! Ill let U no if U r still my favorite Bible study guide in a couple wks if I don’t loose my mind!!
I’m sharing my testimony on Sat for the first time with my church family as I lead my first women’s conf & there is a part I share about being raised in a Christian home learning all about the hope Christ gives and yet I had none for a period of time. After years of sexual abuse in a Christian day school & the pressure of growing up the pastors daughter and trying to act the part in the midst of all of the dysfunction of the abuse I had lost all hope and ran from it all through addictions from alcohol & drugs & even sex or as simple as an addiction to busyness. I’ve spent more years running from God than running to him but he has given me a testimony that he is asking me to share so others might know him more or know him better. I praise God for a hope & joy I have today that can only be found in him!
Adult child of alcoholic parents…I saw written “No one can do anything to you that you first do not let them!”
This gave me courage to understand I have the right to choose what…
Knowing the smell and fear of darkness…I crave His light and comfort in His Word!
Wow… what other word can I possibly use. I’m one of those people that needs desperately to get to the grace, so even though I know your story has it in full measure, I am so anxious to read your next installment. The pit is so ugly isn’t it? I am so glad you are on the other side. Praise You Jesus! Some of the words you highlighted smacked me right in the face tonight and I am grateful–“I never did what God had put in front of me to do time and time again”. Have mercy–I have addictions–they may not be alcohol related, but every bit as dangerous and addictive to me. A couple of years ago, I received a clear word from the Lord on what I need to do to be free. The sad part is–my instuctions aren’t hard, but every day I come up with some excuse not to follow them. I rationalize, justify and rebel. Thank you so much for your story, it is SO meaningful to me. Thank you for the words you used that I mentioned above that I am carrying with me as my reminder to do what God has put in front of me. You are an inspiration and I appreciate you!
Thank you so much for you honesty and willingness to share your story. I know for me the Lord gives me great comfort by connecting me with those who can relate to difficult times.
Last Sunday we had Shelley Lubben speak at our church and I truly believe that her story would be much encouragement to you as you are encouraging all of us. She was an ex pron star and drinker and drug addict. She has a website and an organization now that rescuses porn stars! It will bring you to your knees.
A time when I was almost ready to give up was last December 31, as I moved home to help care for my sick mother, into reliving a nightmare of my childhood and how my parents fought. I felt along as I just left a religious cult where all my friends shunned me and I had no work. I decided that not being here would be a better solution.
By god’s amazing grace one year later I am grateful to serve my parents and be like Christ to them (by his grace), starting to make friends, I am back working my business and God is rebuilding my foundations from the ground up.
Crystal
Wow! Thank you for your transparency! God is AMAZING & I can’t wait to read the next installment. I work with hurting women on a daily basis & they need to hear stories just like this. There is HOPE. I’m so thankful for His redeeming love!
Beth, I can only imagine how you feel seeing your sister finally walk in freedom. This story gives me hope that one day I will see my sister walk in freedom too.
Oh… I wish I could not say that I know what “I gave up hope” feels and looks like, but I do. After a move that was suppose to be a step up for my family after we had a bankruptcy, we found ourselfs further down. We know now that someone from my husbands company was steeling most of his paycheck. At the time we didn’t know why things weren’t adding up since he was on a productivity basis. We were 1000 miles away from anyone we knew. I started skipping meals so my daughter and husband would have enough. I found out I was pregnant, and had to decide who to feed first. I would normally not eat if there was only one piece of bread, bowl of soup… but now I was carring a baby that needed food. Our very expencive insurance had a $5000 deductible so the monthly payment was more than our monthly food bill. I started following Beth, and every other Christian speaker I could find on twitter, it was like a biblical IV that I desperately needed. One day on the phone with my best friend I let a little more slip than I inteded. But God gave her ears to hear and my mouth to speak. She said we will be there next weekend to pick you up. You will live with us as long as you need. They drove 6 hours one way and moved us in with them. We are now on our own feet and doing well… only God. Now when I see someone with that look on their face that I had for so long, I say a prayer that God will do what only He can do in their life. Bless you Gay for sharing your story. Thank you God for being our saving grace.
Gay,
So glad God is greater than all our problems. You are so very special and I will keep you in prayer. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
I am not worthy enough to share this. It is such a confusing story. I use to think that I would like to tell everyone I grew up in church, had a Christian family and loved God like everyone around me. But, there were things I never understood and still don’t today.
The only reason I didn’t do some things is the grace of God. My dad was in the Air Force and he occasionally drank socially. My mom never drank. Both my parents were Christians, but we didn’t go to church much until He retired. My mother did teach my sister and me some things in the Bible. My parents did return to church and re-dedicated their lives later.
When we moved to my parents hometown they bought a home with 65 acres and we all went to church. I use to visit my grandparents about two miles down the road. One day while there my (my mother’s dad) grandfather he did something very unappropriate and I backed away shaking and went back home. With tears in my eyes, I told my mother and all she said was, don’t go over there by yourself. She never hugged me. Most of my life I was told I would not make it, I was not good enough, I would fail, I would be the first one to wreck the car etc.
So, I grew up feeling all these things and very insecure on top of all the shyness. My mom just couldn’t stand the fact that I was so shy. I wanted to die many times. In fact, she had a knife in her hand on day in the kitchen and I told her to kill me. I hated myself.
When I turned 16, I gave my life over to the Lord, which was a miracle. I thought my mom would be pleased,but words of encouragement never came. But, I did love the Lord and lived for Him. At age 22, still feeling defeated and not able to live on my own I was at home still. My mother had cancer and later died. I cried my heart out and had prayed for God to please help.There was no closer, I was left wondering about my mom and why I wasn’t ever good enough. Well, I finally got away from home at age 29, went into the army and had a office job. I married a Christian man and had twin boys. Only God could use a nobody like me and turn my situation around. Only God was able to change and help me grow and mature. It has taken years, for me to get to the place I am now__through Christan counselling and Christian books I have finally began to feel more secure through God in who I am as a Christian.God helped me out of the pit, out of the whirlwind, out of despair. But God…
Gay, I am so thankful that God got you out of that stinking pit AND that He has filled it in…just like a bulldozer, it is gone! No more falling in…no more going back! Now, may you always drink deeply of His grace instead. You are a blessing!!!
Gay, thank you for your courage to put it all out there. I am praying for you as you continue on with your story.
It’s interesting how in some ways your story parallels my struggle with food. I am currently twice the weight I should be and was struck recently by a friend’s comment that I should do what I know to do and loose the weight then blog about it and make lots of money. My very first thought was I don’t know what to do. Not just the conflicting nutritional advice but the spiritual and emotional work The Lord has been faithful since then to show me what to do and where my hope needs to be focused. But the anger at confrontation about my weight, the rationalizations, the blindness – I really did not see how the weight was piling on – all lead me to believe that there is a real addiction component to my eating habits.
I don’t mean to belittle your journey, but seeing your story in words has put food in a new perspective for me. Thank you.
Oh Ladies- How I need your prayer. I am in the depths of hell right now. I have been separated from my husband for 3+ months…living in the basement of a gracious Christian couple with my 5 month old son. I am on the brink of divorce because I can’t let go of hurts and heartaches and disappointments…I can’t forgive. I have been raging about having to work so much for the last few years and having a new baby and wanting more time with him….and this line of Gay’s story struck me right between the eyes:
“I needed rest, quality time with our children and, besides, I needed to put this blasted drinking problem to bed once and for all. What do we say about an idle mind being the devil’s workshop? Bingo!! I quit working — He worked OVERTIME.”
Oh if I am under such strong attack now with 4 jobs and being a single mom of an infant son…what is quitting my jobs going to do for me!?!
Thank the Lord that my addiction is not alcohol…I grew up with an alcoholic father…but I have my demons of choice….
Pray for me dear sisters….so that I too can proclaim the glories of God again. I’m so broken and feel myself being devoured by the evil one.
In Him,
Andrea
Andrea, may Christ land on you with such affection and force that you cannot resist Him. He has a plan for your future. You are not in His basement. I pray for His Word to soak down deeply into your heart where those terrible broken places can heal. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t forgive. We care so much.
Andrea, I am praying for you sister. When the world is falling out, Christ is still standing. He is greater. You are loved.