My Sister Gay’s Third Installment: The Maelstrom

First installment. Meet My Sister.

Second installment. The Functioning Years.

My beloved Sisters, my coworkers and I have been praying hard for Gay as she labored to minister to you over this last week by reliving a descent into darkness. I ask for you to pray for her, too. True depth of ministry is rarely without cost. Can you imagine how furious the devil is at her?? Please thank God in advance for being her Shield and her Fortress, her Refuge and her Strength. I have no words to express my gratitude to her and my boastfulness in the Lord because of her. She is a true miracle. So am I. So are you. Oh, that we’d know it! In Tuesday night Bible study right now, we are making six stops in the Book of Deuteronomy to behold the divine law of love. To me, it is no coincidence that Gay handed in this entry on the very day that I am preparing a lesson on REMEMBERING. Once again, my sister. My hero.


From Gay…

Hi Sisters!
As I proofread the final draft of my last post, I was even taken aback at how NON-functioning the functioning years were! I thought my life was manageable because to the outside world, I appeared to be functioning (as far as I knew) but alone and inside my head, the battle raged. I remember driving to the liquor store one afternoon after vowing not to drink that day for the zillionth time and meaning it, tears streaming down my cheeks, wanting so badly not to WANT it yet consumed with the overwhelming NEED to have it. Understand, Siestas, that there are drinkers out there who are functioning and always will. They are what we alcoholics want to be. We are wannabees!  Bill Wilson described it so perfectly like this, “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.”

There is no way for me to describe accurately or list wholly the events that occurred during the next ten years of my so-called life. I can’t even piece them all together myself. It was an endless cycle of drinking to feel “normal” or somewhat happy and functional, followed by not being able to stop at “normal,” followed by the negative consequences associated with intoxication (never positive consequences!), followed by more shame and guilt than I thought I could take, followed by self-medication, followed by more negative consequences and down the tubes I went. A maelstrom is defined on Wikipedia as “a very powerful whirlpool; a large, swirling body of water. A free vortex; it has considerable downdraft.” Although I had been severely warned yet still believed I was EXEMPT, I was beginning the swift descent into pure, alcoholic destruction and SELF-destruction.

By this time, my little “drinking problem” was becoming blatantly obvious to the outside world, my extended family included, and I was confronted. They dragged me out of the closet kicking and screaming and, as you can imagine, it did not go well. My response to that was outrage, blaming them for what they had done to CAUSE me to drink in the first place (all the way down to my parents!), withdrawal from the family and isolation.  Alcohol had moved itself up my diseased brain’s priority list to the Number 1 position. It came first, period, end of paragraph. No matter how much I wanted my children to come first, the alcohol was FIRST!! It screamed at me to feed it!  I did have a few periods of sobriety during this time, mostly in treatment, and I prayed for God to deliver me but I never did what God had put in front of me to do time and time again, so I never found the freedom that He had waiting for me on the other side. Because “Faith without works is dead, Gay!” (James 2:17) Consequently, each period of sobriety was followed by still worse relapse followed by more of the same.

It went something like this:

In 2002, I asked my employer of many years for a 6-month leave of absence.  Tut and I were finally able to live on one income and I was exhausted!  I had worked hard with virtually no time off since Zach was 2 years old and he was finishing his junior year in high school.  I needed rest, quality time with our children and, besides, I needed to put this blasted drinking problem to bed once and for all.  What do we say about an idle mind being the devil’s workshop?  Bingo!!  I quit working — He worked OVERTIME.  I had too much leisure time alone, no coping skills and no tools to fight the battle raging inside my head.  I had no relationship with God although I attended church every single Sunday morning.  I had no support group.  My friends were all at work and I had withdrawn from my family.  And, very key point, I had the disease of alcoholism.  Perfect cocktail (pardon the pun) to bring down the proud, the entitled, the exempt.  My drinking moved into the early afternoon, then morning, then round the clock. Alcohol quickly invaded every nook, cranny and pore of my existence.  I laughed and cried with it, I raged and soothed with it, I celebrated and mourned with it, I went to bed with it and I got up with it, I loved it and I hated it.  When I asked for an additional 6 months of LOA because I was too sick both mentally and physically to go back to work, I was denied and laid off instead.  I had survived every single downturn that my company had been through.  My life was there, my friends were there, my self-worth was there.  My heart was broken.  Again.  More medication please!!

In 2003, I went to my first inpatient rehabilitation facility in the beautiful Texas hill country.  It was one of the finest treatment centers in the country and not cheap!  It employed the best Big Book instructor I’ve ever heard to date, even now.  Some of his words got through and I related more to what was written in the book, however, I still had not reached a place of full surrender.  I was still different, special, proud.  I would not humble myself to do the work that was asked of me — to do as thousands had done before me who had STAYED SOBER.  That stuff still did not apply to me.  Not to ME!!  I stayed there 28 days at a cost of $16,000.00 (its more now!) and could not wait to order a glass of wine on the flight home.  After all, I had abstained 4 full weeks.  I had proved that I could do it.  Let’s celebrate!  I was drunk when Tut picked me up from the airport and he was livid, to put it mildly.  A few months later, he asked me to leave the house that we had lived in for 17 years and where we had raised our children.  Zach had just graduated from high school and Josh was 8 years old.  I moved because I could not argue with him.  I knew I was out of control and I knew why he was asking me to leave.  Although I tried to justify and rationalize and blame HIM, I knew the truth in my heart.  It was not a safe environment for the children.  Period.  I walked out that door and never returned for any significant time period until about 1025 days ago in mid-April of 2009 — almost 6 years later.  The loss of my little family, Tut included, was by far the greatest loss of my life.  My feelings after the death of my mother (which I never felt, by the way) could not hold a candle to the heartache and grief I suffered at putting my family on death’s altar.  I was never the same after that.  I not only had given up the desire to control. I gave up hope.

During the following years:


  • I was charged with 3 counts of Driving While Intoxicated which left me incarcerated in the most overcrowded county jail in the United States of America, Harris County Jail, which holds 10,000 inmates.  By God’s pure grace and mercy, I did not get a felony conviction on the third charge and did not kill anyone!  I could have; I should have.  But God.
  • I lost my driving privileges and owed the State of Texas $7,800.00 in surcharges to reinstate them.  At this point, it did not occur to me to give up drinking.  I would give up driving instead!
  • I received a 23-page Final Decree of Divorce from my husband of 22 years while I was incarcerated.  I could not appear to protest it and wouldn’t have been able to anyway, even had I been free.  It granted full parental custody of our minor child to my now ex-husband giving me supervised visits only.  It contained a Permanent Injunction that prohibited me from going to Josh’s residence, school, or any extra-curricular activities.  I was able to call him or write to him ONLY with his father’s permission.
  • I went to 3 more inpatient treatment centers, all state-funded, the last being in Galveston and long-term.  After spending 4 months there, I was successfully discharged at noon and in the liquor store before closing time that very night.
  • I lived alone and tried to drink myself to death many times in 4 different apartments after leaving my home in Sugar Land.  I walked out of all four of those living spaces with nothing but the clothes on my back, leaving everything behind.  I lost all of my personal items including pictures, jewelry, keepsakes, high school memorabilia, artwork by me and my children, furniture, appliances, clothes, etc.
  • I lived in one halfway house in Galveston 3 different times.  Again by the grace of God, they had allowed me to return after I had relapsed twice.

In August of 2007, while at R-House in Galveston, I finally got a much-needed break after a few weeks of sobriety.  I interviewed successfully and got a great job at the Galveston County Courthouse as Administrative Assistant to the I.T. Manager (Information Technology).  Since I had an I.T. background from my last place of employment, it was right up my alley.  I was excited about the opportunity and had hope for a future.  Finally!  I was also very optimistic about getting on with “normal” life and giving up living in treatment centers and halfway houses.  I quickly put down a deposit on an 1894 Victorian four-plex apartment, all hardwood floors, very nice, walking distance from my new job.  I was also dating a really nice man (big red flag!) from a Narcotics Anonymous group in Galveston.  He was funny, well-liked, and had solid sobriety.  It wasn’t the first time I had gotten side-tracked with a relationship.  I would invariably put the relationship first, rather than the sobriety, thinking that the love of a man would be enough to sustain me through anything, especially a SOBER man!  I later saw that I had a pattern of putting anything, everything, even the important things BEFORE sobriety, and that I would always, ALWAYS end in relapse and inevitably lose those things. I moved into my apartment on a Friday and tried to contact my so-called “boyfriend” on Saturday.  He did not respond.  He did not respond for hours.  He had gone to a recovery function without me.  I was furious.  How do I handle furious???

Drink, of course.  I will never EVER forget this, my last relapse.  After all I had lost, after all of the bullet points listed above plus more that I can’t even remember, after all of the warnings and having been beaten down time and time again, I STILL THOUGHT that I could do it one more time and that no harm would come of it.  I slung my purse over my shoulder and headed out the door at a fast pace to the liquor store to get … a pint, of course!  By the time I got there, I had talked myself into a fifth because I wouldn’t want to return should I need more. I bought a quart, drank from it on the way back and the beast came forth!!!  I called in sick to work on Monday, again on Tuesday, didn’t call at all on Wednesday or Thursday and got fired on Friday.

I was baffled, confused, embarrassed and had no way to pay next month’s rent.  After countless vain attempts at asking for help from my family with promises of sobriety in return, I didn’t even ask for their help.  I was homeless a month later and outside with the others who were both wandering aimlessly and drinking themselves into oblivion because they/WE could not face another day.

“The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From His temple He heard my voice.” Psalm 18:4-6a


(End of third installment. To be continued soon in the fourth installment.)

Sisters, this is back to Beth now. That’s one incredibly powerful entry, isn’t it? Revisit Gay’s words, “I gave up hope.” Many of us know what that’s like. Oh, how the enemy of our souls delights to walk us to that despairing place one step at a time. You are welcome to respond to Gay in your comments to this post any way you feel prompted but, in addition, I’d also like to ask you to consider doing something else. Consider sharing a time when you, too, had given up hope…

but God….

Maybe somebody needs to hear just a few lines of your story, too. You are treasured here at LPM. And, far more significantly, you are the treasured possession of the God of all Creation. Believe Him about you.



436 Responses to “My Sister Gay’s Third Installment: The Maelstrom”

If you'd like your own pic by your comment, go to Click the first button "Get your gravatar today ->", and it will walk you through a simple process to select a picture.


  1. 151
    sheila says:

    Just thinking.
    God so loves us. Thank you. sheila

  2. 152
    Vallee says:


    May God bless you for your openness! Thank you for having the courage to reach back into your dark past to bring hope and light to someone else’s present.

  3. 153
    Rachel says:

    First of all, wow….. I’ve read all 3 installments from Gay so far and I just want to say, thank you! Thank you for sharing your story and your heart with us. I can only imagine how difficult it must’ve been to go back down that dark road in order to share with us. Thank you for being willing to be used this way. Thank you for being so brave! I know that you will touch MANY hearts through sharing with us and lead many people to seek help in whatever their strongholds and/or addictions are. Maybe professional help, if needed, but also to our Father, our Great Physician and Healer! Out of the many you will touch with your story, I am one of them. Thank you.

  4. 154
    Britney says:

    Hello ladies,
    First off I would like to say thank you Gay for sharing your testimony because it gives me the courage to share mine. I’m 23 years old and I grew up in a family of six and my daddy was verbally and physically well as an alcoholic. I spent many years trying to prove that I wasn’t the names that he called me and I still find myself struggling with it to this day. When I began to date, I thought that the only way that I could get a man to like me was to be physically involved with him. Man was I wrong! I got saved when I was 21 and I am still struggling with sexual sins. I constantly find myself asking God to forgive me for my thoughts and actions and I wonder when I will be delivered…even in my wickedness..BUT GOD. He has shown me massive amounts of grace and has given me people who encourage me and hold me accountable! I encourage anyone who is struggling to lean on Him. He is our strength when we are weak. He is mighty to me, I know because He saved me..and He still is to this day.

    Once again, thank you Gay. I end this in tears and I look forward to your future blogs 🙂

  5. 155
    stephanie solomon says:

    Every day was my last day for popping pills and yet;I couldn’t wait to reward myself with a pill after weeks of sobriety. After all I worked hard to stay clean, I deserved a couple.” I had it under control,” I prayed that I don’t know how many times. I longed to be a social drinker and pill popper.It consumed my every thought.I think back on that time, 5 years ago this August, and I know it’s by the grace of God that I’m alive and my family is still intact. I grew up believing my worth came from my looks and how I acted.My mom NEVER wanted any of us kids to embarrass her.Towards the end of my storm I knew I was either going to die or end up in jail if I didn’t get help so I humbled myself and called my dad’s friend, the Chairman of Psychiatry.I went through the outpatient program by myself with no help from my family or friends.You see I married my mom. That’s what my therapist pointed out.They don’t understand this disease, it’s just being weak. Thankfully, I had the best sponser ever, GOD.He was with me every step of the way, still is today and always.God used my mom’s voice that played over and over in my head to get help.Getting help was better than embarrassing her.Once again by God’s grace and mercy, I was saved.Now I listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit and He can be bossy at times but I love Him so much, especially when He bosses me.Gay, thank you again for sharing and reminding me just how much God loves me.He loves me enough to save me from the grave and thankfully no life was lost as the result of my addiction.We addicts must continue to live closely with God and we must surrender to His will one day at a time. God Bless you Gay!I will be praying for you and all those who suffer from the disease of addiction.Lets have God be our drug of choice.

  6. 156

    Sweet Gay … I once gave up hope for a family/children … and that is when God delivered! Seems like when we come to the end of “us” … that is when God can do His glorious thing … and use our circumstances/past for good! He’s so faithful. Love, Shelli

  7. 157
    Stephanie says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart and life story with us, Gay. It can’t be easy to relive these memories, but God will use this testimony in a powerful way as He works all things together for good.

  8. 158
    Linda says:

    I gave up hope at 37-1/2 years of age and swallowed a bottle of Tylenol on top of all the alcohol I had drank, threw it in my husband’s face, I was going to show him for his threats about our daughter’s suspected rape. He called 911 and I was taken and pumped and the rape I suspected was swept under the rug. Didn’t quit drinking until 4 years later when my husband was basically on his deathbed. He lived almost 5 years as we learned life as sober people and after having been drug and alcohol addicts from meeting each other in 1973 until 1996, our marriage was a struggle — we didn’t know each other as sober people. We did stay married and dug into Jesus but our personal relationship suffered. He died in December 2000 and the regrets could fill an ocean but God is faithful and I have my two beautiful daughters, two faithful sons-in-law and three of the most beautiful grandsons a woman could ever hope for. If God can redeem me, he can redeem anyone. Brittany let go of the sexual sins and the guilt, mine were too numerous to admit the depth of also but God can take away that guilt and pain. This may not make a lot of sense because I am in a hurry to catch a flight to see one of those beautiful grandsons, but felt compelled to respond, thank You Jesus for never letting go.

  9. 159
    lavonda says:

    Gay, you seriously should write a book. You’re writing is so easy to follow, and holds your audience’s attention. and THE CONTENT. God has a mighty work planned through you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. To say you’re an inspiration would be the understatement of the year.
    Much love to you,

  10. 160
    Mandy says:

    Thank you, Gay for being willing to share your testamony with us. It is really amazing what God can do, it’s like that song, “Your Grace Still Amazes Me”. One of my hopeless moments was when I was suffering with depression. I never knew that Christians could have depression and thought that there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was at the bottom of the deepest, darkest pit. My husband and children tried to help, but it was like they were at the top of the pit and no matter how they tried, they could not reach me where I was. The only hand that was long enough and strong enough was the One of our Lord’s. My daddy used to sing a song that said, “When my Savior reached down for me, He had to reach way down to get me. I was lost and undone, without my God or His Son, when He reached down His hand, for me.” I praise Him that He never left me, He loves me…the REAL me.

    • 160.1
      Mary says:

      Thank you, Mandy, for sharing this with us. Your testimony is a blessing. My daughter struggles mightily with depression, and she has finally convinced me that I absolutely do NOT understand what she goes through. We are working through the Believing God study together, and I am praying so hard for her that she can find strength and peace in God’s love for her – as you say, for who she really is. (Which is so much more than her depression!)

  11. 161
    Destee says:

    What a powerful testimony Gail. Thank you for sharing it with us. I have a cousin who has battled drug addiction for years, heroin. Satan himself. My hands are tied but my prayers flow freely for him. Your story brings hope. Do you have any advice for those of us with loved ones who are addicts?

  12. 162
    Heidi Syverson says:

    THANK YOU SOOOOOOO much for sharing your story with us…your life with us..and bearing all the good, the bad and the ugly for us to see. You give me hope….when sometimes hope seems to be far from me. You give me hope to keep pressing in anf praying not only for myself, but for those I love that seem to be bound by satan himself! Thank you, God go before you as you share with us what He has done for you sister. YOU GO GIRL!!!!! Much love from Minnesota

  13. 163
    Leticia says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. I know and can so relate to all you wrote. Just recently I felt hopeless and for the first time doubted God is. This is dangerous to an drug addict/alcoholic like me. I did what I have trained my feet to do and that is go to my recovery meeting. The whole lesson was on hope!! Everyone was asked to share about the hope they had. I left with so much hope and faith in my God. Hopelessness devours any shred of sanity we have left. But God is greater than alcoholism and He earnestly cares for me and this gives me hope.

    • 163.1
      Gay says:

      Leticia — I love this!! Isn’t it so weird how we sometimes make ourselves put one foot in front of the other to go to a meeting and hear EXACTLY what we need to hear to renew our hope and our strength. It happens to me ALL THE TIME!! Don’t let anyone tell you that God isn’t right there in that meeting with us. Jesus came for the sinners. That’s ME, Lord!! Today, Leticia, I’m so glad its me. I wouldn’t have wanted to not NEEEEEEED Him so much. In that need, I have found the love of my life. So cool, sooo cool. Hang in there, my recovery Sista!!

      Loved you are,

  14. 164
    Deidre says:

    I’m in that ‘what in the world will it take?’ season with a family member. Someone so very dear to me has struggled for years … YEARS … and it’s by the grace of God my brothers and I aren’t there as well. Gaye, I read your words and try to muster up that ‘hope’ I used to have. Hope to see deliverance. I want to believe God will help and I want to believe my loved one will accept. I recently read Acts 2:26 that says “I will pitch my tent in the land of hope” and my heart screamed “YES!!!!!”.

    I’m pitching my tent.

  15. 165

    Oh my goodness! I had no idea how my heart would stir and ache with Gay AND then again as I read all of the stories/testimonials that you ladies have shared here on this blog today.

    I want to say thank you so much for all of your transparency and honesty. My tears have washed over my computer keyboard in rapid succession as I wept and rejoiced with you, and now, I’m just a mess!

    While its true that I haven’t walked through the extreme life experiences that some of you have described, I have faced challenges and choices that have broken my heart and brought me much pain. Who hasn’t, right? Reading your stories, and knowing my own, well, it just causes faith to arise!

    For all us … for all of this … we have Jesus! Sweet, merciful, loving Savior and oh how He loves us so completely.

    May each of us continue to stay on our faces before Him and may we sense His holy presence in every moment and detail of our lives. There’s just no one like our God and we’re all so desperate for Him!

    Many blessings to you, Gay, and to all of you! I’m honored to journey with you even if through a computer screen and will pray for each of you (and your specific situations) as the Lord brings you to mind!

    Did I mention that I’m just a mess right now?
    Cindy K

  16. 166
    Nancy says:

    Gay thank you is certainly not big enough but I don’t know how else to say it. It was an honor to lay your name and Beth’s at the cross this afternoon. I have been in Sunday School just like you for my 56 years but today this afternoon for the first time I have an understanding of James 2:17 like never before. You painted a picture of it for me that sticks! I needed it you see I also have a struggle that I am working on that has consumed me since I was a small girl. I started the James study 2 weeks ago and am loving it and can’t wait to see how Beth explains it. Thanks again and will continue to lift you up to our Father!

  17. 167

    Can I tell you how happy I am to know that this story has a happy ending? Hallelujah!

  18. 168
    Anita Kemp says:

    Gay, been there done that!! In Little Rock I looked over to you and felt a kindred spirit! Little did I know just how much we share. One day at a time friend. Anita

  19. 169
    Jody says:


    Thank you for sharing your story. I have never suffered from alcohol or drug addiction, but I have suffered from a self righteous and pious attitude while my brother suffered. He’s been clean and sober for many years, but the addiction stunted his emotional/social development (self medicated for most of the years between 12 and 22 he missed a lot of “growing up”) and he wasn’t a very kind man. I certainly didn’t make it any easier, because I was “perfect”. It’s only been the past six months that he and I have become closer to each other, but it took the death of my husband for us both to realize how important we were to each other. As I read your words, it makes me realize how difficult sobriety is for my brother. He never shared much of what he went through to get sober with me, but I know it was difficult (he detoxed all on his own (from heroin and alcohol)). I know he probably wanted to shield me from the life he’d led and probably didn’t feel that he could open up to me. How could I possibly understand and sympathize; I had always been so self righteous. He still has not come back to God and I pray that one day he does. I pray that he can see Jesus in me and will want that relationship again. I’m thankful he and I are friends again and are beginning to enjoy each other’s company. We did a half marathon together last weekend. Of course, by together I mean, we ran the same race and I finished an hour and a half behind his speedy behind 🙂 I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to see his smiling face, camera in hand, waiting for me to cross my first half marathon finish line! Thank you again for your words; they are definitely softening my heart (and bringing tears to my eyes).

  20. 170
    Cindy says:


    Thank you for sharing your story! We all have demons in our closet that need to be dealt with and healed by Our Jesus! I have prayed for Beth for many years and fill just as privilaged to pray for you as you continue to share your story and for God to use your story in a mighty way.

  21. 171
    Andrea Hine says:

    I am very amazed at how God can turn lives around and perform miracles on us, even when we think we are too far gone into the depths of sin. There is no such thing in God’s love and grace. He wants us to come to Him when we are truly ready to give our all to Him and to live for Him. Until we are ready to do this, we will fail miserably time and time again. Humility and patience are two of the things I struggled with most and God has shown me that I must rely on Him for everything.

    I, too, have a life that has been turned around from 25 years of living a homosexual life. I still struggle with temptation, just as if it were a drug because I crave the affection, love, and sex from another woman. But I can tell you that I have abstained for three years now. I spend my time in fellowship with other Christians who know my past and they love me anyway. I spend my time in His Word and in women’s bible studies (four of which have been Beth’s). I listen to K-LOVE instead of other music and I am more particular about what I watch on TV or at the movies. I am careful about putting myself in situations where I may be tempted. In other words, I am less tempted to sin when it is not right in front of me. Like Gay mentioned, too much time on your hands is not a good thing.

    God is using me too and I share my testimony when the opportunity presents itself. I appreciate you sharing yours with us. May God continue to keep you strong, safe in His arms. Beth, I love you sister and you have been a very big part of my journey back to Christ. I am forever grateful for your part in my walk.

    • 171.1
      J says:

      Bless you, Andrea, for your transparency and courage to share about a struggle that is still so stigmatized in the church today.

      I pray God’s richest blessings on you as you continue to share your testimony with others! Also, props to your faith community who so lovingly embraces you – we all need that, no matter what our struggles are!

  22. 172
    Patrice Emrie says:

    Gay, thank you for sharing your honest and heart wrenching story. I wish I was there to give you a big hug right this minute. Please take some comfort in knowing that many others share your same feelings, including me. The common denominator is that although our experiences may be different, our feelings remain the same. I do not many who are without experiencing to some degree heartache, struggle, fear, shame, loneliness, disappointment, pain, loss, addiction, failure, anxiety, worry, and I could go on. We are all the same, we just have different names.

    Gay, I used to be one of the Christians who thought I had faith, but one thing I was not doing was trusting in the Lord. I didn’t think God would have my life work out as I wanted it, and thus the reason why I failed to trust Him. It wasn’t until I did your sister’s study on Revelation and watched her video in which she talked about her dog who would not drop his ball, she used this example as a metaphor to tell me that I should just drop the ball, to ask God to reveal Himself and feel how good it is to be free of bondage…. Beth said it is really simple, it is just a decision, to trust Him in ALL things! Wow, just that simple, I thought. I realized that I did not trust Him, and maybe I should just drop the ball and be free of my ways, my bondage. So I did. I made a conscious decision to decide every single day to get up and simply trust God in all things – be them good, or bad, or indifferent ! I could do that. Today I find myself much freer in the outcome of situations because I know God is in charge. Sometimes I slip back into my old thinking and want to control the outcome again, but then again the sun rises another day and once again I have another chance to ask Him to be in charge. I make the simple decision to simply just Trust Him in all things.

    It is my hope that you become selfish for His love, and that you truly feel the loving arms of Jesus wrapped around you! And that you know, not only in your head, but feel in your heart the love of your sisters /siestas in Christ – who are lifting you up in prayer right now. Feel His love, feel our love.

  23. 173
    Maureen says:

    Gay…thank you!! There are no other words…

  24. 174
    Jenn says:

    Gay, thank you so much for telling your story.

    Several years I thought I had hit bottom, but my darkest time was 3 years ago. I had my last suicide attempt at that time. I was so hopeless. I was openly rebellious towards God who had protected me from an abusive husband and many other messes I had gotten myself into.

    Thankfully, my best friend convinced me to talk to her minister and his wife. The first thing Nancy asked me was if I still believed that Christ Jesus died for my sins. I thought a long time before I answered, but when I did it was with a affirmation. She wasted no time in stating emphatically that that belief was the only thing that mattered, the rest was gravy.

    Thankfully, God rescued me from myself at my darkest time. I too share my story to almost anyone who will listen. reminds me every time of how great the God I love is.

  25. 175

    I just hopped on here (and got distracted by a few comments :)) to let you all know that I finally posted my experience of not making it to Houston and what all that entailed (and revealed) now that I’ve calmed down about the whole thing and can be a whole lot more positive about it, and the revelation involves this very subject matter, so you should read it.

  26. 176
    DDSonshine says:

    Gay I am so deeply touched by the honesty of your story. My dad was an alcoholic for many years before GOD and only GOD touched his heart and gave him a new life. The courts couldn’t do it! Sickness couldn’t do it! Begging him couldn’t do it! I almost gave up hope that he would ever change……But God. I felt like I had prayed for him my whole childhood. Dad finally surrendered and our God responded with love and mercy. He was saved at the age of 51. I am in awe of a God that can so miraculously save a man like him! We had a new dad for 14 years before the Lord took him home to heaven. He made all things new! He NEVER EVER drank again. His grandchildren only knew a Christian Grandpa. Praise His name for miracles like that! People knew that only GOD changed my dad! What a testimony you are to this world that God is still at work in people’s hearts! Please know the love and support that is poured out over you today, my sister in Christ, from those who know the depths of your despair and that only by the power of the name of Jesus can change be possible!

    • 176.1
      KathyH says:

      DD – your post gave me much hope and excitment for my own father. He has not struggled with alcohol or addiction, but he is not a believer and I pray with all my heart for him to know the Lord. I was raised without God or faith or anything as a child, despite having a beautiful, idyllic wonderful childhood. It was just a missing piece. My mom always said I should explore religion on my own when I got older. Well, praise Jesus, I have found Him in the past few years (I’m 31 now) and so badly want my dad to discover Him, too. My dad is the best earthly father I could have asked for, but he is hardened by life proud. I know he has suffered many hurts in his own childhood and needs to be healed by the only One who can heal him. My dad is so non-religous that I cannot fathom what it would be like to hear him say he is saved. But I believe that God can do it and so I continue to earnestly pray. But your story gives me hope that one day I will get to experience this with him!

  27. 177
    Ann says:

    I so admire your courage and conviction in sharing your story. I have cried reading all 3 posts. God is so merciful. i have hated myself for most of my life. (i’m 60 y.o.)until a few yrs ago for all the bad choices i have made in my life and seeing the negative affect it has caused my children. Drinking and bad relationships were a big part of all the problems. God saved me and is now showing me thru Bible studies (mostly Beth Moore’s 😉 ) how merciful and loving He truly is and how there is hope for all. No matter how badly we have failed and sinned, He still loves us and waits for us to ask Him in! Praise His Holy Name! God is now cleaning up my mess and helping my family so that another generation doesn’t suffer because of the things I did. He heals the brokenhearted! Glory to God!

  28. 178
    Sandy Bowers says:

    I know I’m supposed to post my “story” about when I gave up hope….or almost did. And I may yet…But can I just say that I LOVE THIS BLOG COMMUNITY! Not only are our siestas gentle and showing much love and support to Gay for her courageous step out here……but what loving, caring support so many have shown to other siestas in their time of hopelessness! I don’t know what I would do without this blog! Praise Jesus and thank you LPM for providing us this outlet and opportunity.

  29. 179
    theharbormom says:

    Your statement about being homeless reminded me of a time in my brother’s life when he was sober. It took him a while to shake loose the lifestyle he had as an addict – irresponsible, lazy. He used to sleep on the roof above one of his AA meeting places because he was homeless. He would leave before a meeting started, drive around on his motorcycle so he could “arrive” at the meeting and people wouldn’t know he was living on the roof. He was creative, that’s for sure! I miss him dearly…remembering this story of him made me smile.

    Thank you for sharing, Gay. God is the hero of your story as well as my brother’s.

  30. 180
    Nichole says:

    Gay, thank you for sharing…. This is all too familiar to me and much needed to be reminded! God works in wondrous ways! Nichole

  31. 181
    pam b says:

    I am so thankful for Gay’s testimony! I remember hearing Beth talk about one of her siblings being an alcoholic living on the streets. I prayed for Gay as I’m sure many of the ladies have. Thank God for His mercy and compassion!

    My mom was an alcoholic. I watched her drink to get drunk. No social drinking for her! As I got older, I thought that was why you picked up a bottle and proceeded to get drunk every time I drank. I married an alcoholic. I hated what it did to him, but I was afraid of what it did to me. I wanted to quit but it was all around me. I never needed a drink like my mom and husband did. Life got so confusing that by the age of 25 I was utterly miserable. One day I had had enough. After drinking a pint of whiskey, I got another pint to wash down the 25-30 codeine tablets. There was no reason I could think of to live to see the next day. NO HOPE whatsoever. My last words were, “God, please forgive me. I don’t know what else to do.” Obviously I awoke the next day by the grace of God. I was scared because I heard the devil whisper in my ear, “Next time use a gun.” I ran for help and found a wonderful counselor who helped me stop blaming myself and LIVE. God is great and God is good.

  32. 182
    Maryellen says:

    Thank you so much for sharing so honestly and deeply. It has helped me have more understanding. My family is steeped in alcoholism and being the “sober” person in all the pain and craziness of this journey is so hard. I often wondered “how do they feel” “do they even care about the pain they cause” I see from your post just how much the alcoholic does care and the pain and deep regret they live with which sadly only leads to more drinking. You have shed some very bright light into the other side of the pain. Blessings

  33. 183
    Amy C. says:

    I just want to say first, that this is why I love this Blog Community. Sometimes I feel pretty isolated (literally, since I live in the middle of the Pacific Ocean…)from the Christian Community at large.

    That being said, Brittany, Gay, Beth, everyone else who might read this, I came to the end of myself about a year and a half ago…and straight into a prostrated position in front of God, who I hadn’t had a real conversation with in years. (Did I mention I’m a Preacher’s Wife AND a Preacher’s Kid??) I went to church my entire life. Was baptized when I was 11. Knew all the stories. Went to a Christian University. Married a Christian man. Became a Christian mom. But somehow, I was as empty as a water bucket in the middle of a drought. I know now it had a lot to do with THE GUILT. (In CAPS b/c I’ve named it. Say it like, “The Donald” and you’ve got it.) Crazy how THE GUILT can take you down the road of repentance or…more sin. Mine was the latter.

    See, I’d lived a pretty life. Looked good. Acted good. Did the “right” things. But underneath the exterior was shame b/c of early sexual exposure, then years of going a little further and further but never “all the way” (I had standards! *sarcasm*)with boyfriend after boyfriend. So when at 19 I found myself head over heels with a Christian guy at that Christian Institution who I was sure I was going to marry anyway….well, you get the picture. It was a disastrous relationship that curved in and out of verbal & emotional abuse for 7 years. I was so desperate for this particular person’s love, that I at one point, found myself secretly hoping I was pregnant, just so he’d have to marry me. What in the world had I become?!? BUT GOD…

    I’d at least held on to my heart’s desire to marry a Godly man. That plus the intecessory prayers of my parents, I’m sure, were the reasons I did NOT find myself married & miserable to that other person. It was great except that I was still with ME. I really hadn’t changed that much when I met my husband. I’d just cleaned myself up enough to get happy. (That’s what marriage does, right…?)

    Then it was time to get happy some more and get pregnant! But Hope died. Literally. Her name is Hope. She was stillborn at 8 months gestation. We buried her tiny body next to my baby brother’s in a small-town cemetery in Arkansas. My baby was dead…and I knew it was my fault. Remember THE GUILT?

    Fast forward past two beautiful and healthy pregnancies and deliveries…and I was miserable. The doctor said it was post partum depression. Ten years later I was taking several anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds, plus drinking way too much. Looked forward to drinking, actually. Depended on it to get me through things I didn’t want to do. Even cleaning the house. Or getting through the sometimes trying days with young children. Or dealing with difficult church members. (Did I mention I’m a Preacher’s Wife AND Preacher’s Kid??) BUT GOD…

    …never gave up on me. I finally SURRENDERED ALL. (Psalm 32) And He continues to save me from ME. I’m being remade. I. AM. NEW. ALL the glory goes to my Abba Father, my Savior, and his precious Holy Sprit who NEVER LETS GO.

    “When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them…the Pharisee who saw this thought to himself, ‘She’s a sinner!'” Then Jesus said, “I tell you, her sins–and they are many–have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” (Luke 7:37-50)

    BUT GOD….

    Amy in Hawaii

  34. 184
    A sister in Texas says:

    I gave up hope…after my husband fell in love with another woman, a good friend of mine. He was not willing to commit to our marriage, even though I desperately wanted to save it. I felt like I was floating on the ocean with no land in sight…and no oars on the boat. But God…

  35. 185

    Alcohol is a fickle lover. Always demanding more. Taking never giving. In a way it was a blessing that you hit bottom and didn’t go on for years “getting by”…never confronting the demon…never finding that perfect love that will never ever be fickle. I pray for this revelation to come to my brother, who continues to hold hands with his girlfriend, the bottle.

  36. 186
    Jennifer says:

    Thank you so much Gay for sharing your story. I can relate to so much of what you’ve gone through. I was 29 years old, with a husband and new baby. Life became so overwhelming for me. I became addicted to painkillers after an oral surgery and my life went down the tubes. I had been raised in church with great Christian parents, but I never really ‘needed God’. After 2 1/2 years of pure addiction and trying so many times to ‘wean myself’, I realized I needed God more than anyone or anything else. I had lost my marriage, friends, etc. and nearly lost custody of my son. Thank God for those Christian parents because they pointed me in the direction I needed to go. The Holy Spirit did the rest. I’m so thankful today for what I’ve been through, though I have a sea of regrets. I don’t think I would have such a wonderful relationship with Jesus if I had not been in such a deep pit. God has truly rescued me and if he did it for me, he’ll do it for anyone.
    Thanks again for sharing your story. Our God is mighty!!!

  37. 187
    Carol says:

    Wow, thank you Gay for sharing your story. It gives me hope for my husband. As I watch him drink himself to death (as a “functioning” alcoholic), I pray that he reaches the bottom soon so that God can lift him out. I get so discouraged at times, and sometimes I want to throw in the towel. Tonight, I came home from bible study (The Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets them free.) he is drinking yet again. (Usually, its just weekends) I’ve heard the words “after this weekend, I’m done” at least 4 times since January 1st. He doesn’t believe he has a problem.

    Please pray for me and my husband – I just don’t understand why God would have me in this marriage, for 28 years – no change in sight!! God is my strength and refuge. My motto for this year is Joy; Nehemiah 8:10 – The joy of the Lord is my strength!

    My precious Dad passed away one month ago and I’m desperately trying to hold on to His promises. Isaiah 41:10 – He IS my strength!

    Thank you Jesus that your mercies are new each morning, because tonight I’m so discouraged. 🙁

  38. 188
    Rachel says:

    You sweet sisters make my heart want to burst with joy! The love that overflows from a heart that has been surrendered to Christ is like nothing else- ever!!! Oh, Brittany, let the testimonies be further proof that God is REAL and his MERCY triumphant over everything. I heard someone say before, “if you look for where Scripture says ‘forgive yourself’, you won’t find it. It’s not there”. Acceptting Christ’s forgiveness is what he calls us to do. Who are we to forgive ourselves? If we don’t accept his forgiveness, what does that say about our view or understanding of Him? But if we take the LORD at his word, and let the best be enough, we’re FREE! I’ve had to remind myself of that Truth more times than I can count, but each time I do, I feel a little more humble in front of the cross, and then I stand a little straighter, because HE is my GLORY and the LIFTER of my head! I’ve given Satan too much. No doubt. But he doesn’t get to KEEP IT. Take it back, girl friend. I sinned bad, BIG, and publically. Fast forward 10 years through alot of shame and fear of those sins, and God has restored in crazy, fabulous ways the years the locusts have eaten. I got thrown out of choir and chased out of a church I loved for what I did. Guess what… God put Travis Cottrell as Worship Pastor at my current church. Travis put me on his praise team (despite my resistance & past )… I get to proclaim my faith at the top of my lungs, with every cell of my being! Worship is EVERYTHING to me now. Because I have a litte better idea of what I’ve been saved FROM and a little bigger view of WHO I’ve been saved FOR. One day, if you let him, God will take the very thing that has you ashamed, and make it the reason you stand on the mountain top and sing his praises!!!! PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!!!

  39. 189
    Dayna says:

    Thank you for sharing this Gay. I need to keep hearing these warnings to not even give these desires an inch.
    God bless you and keep you close to Him~

  40. 190
    Charlotte says:

    Gay, I’ve read all the installments, but this one is special for me today. It’s been a really, really bad day, and I feel the enemy pulling on me for the last several hours to just give in. At one point, I honestly said, “Get behind me — in the name of Jesus . . .” I could barely get the words out! I’m going to be fine, and thanks to your sister, I have been memorizing “Psalm 103” for such a time as this. I appreciate you sharing your powerful story. I am not struggling with what you’ve struggled with, but we share a common Redeemer. Thank you to my fellow sojourner.

  41. 191
    Helen says:

    I’ve said it each time and I’ll say it again. .. thank you so much for sharing. You and your story are such an inspiration.

    The Lord is so gracious to give us hope when we feel like there is none!! When our children were “homeless” due to addictions He would show me that He had not forgotten or left them by bringing Christians across their paths. And for some “reason” they would always call to tell me how they had met someone and often they prayed with them. They have not all been set free yet, but I have hope now and stories like this increase that even more!!

  42. 192
    Joni Leahy says:

    …But God. Very powerful words. My “but God” moment happened in 1995 when I thought I was going to lose my husband and kids…something was very wrong with me and I had no idea what it was, I only knew I wanted to stop the one night stands; 8 in the first 11 years of my marriage…but God. They usually involved alcohol and at times drugs

    • 192.1
      joni leahy says:

      for some reason my computer added this before i was done…if not for the grace of God my marriage and my family would not have survived. When I told my husband the truth I thought he would leave me, but God…when I got into counseling and discovered the truth of the abuse, molesation and rape in my childhood, I was free. The truth set me free. I didn’t have to do those things anymore, didn’t want to do them. I LOVE the freedom I have found in Jesus…He can redeem anyone from anything; they just have to want Jesus more than they want ANYTHING else. Thank you Gay for sharing your story of redemption and hope. Thank you for the courage to be open, honest and authentic…thank you. But God…

      Joni Leahy

  43. 193

    Gay!! I look forward to taking time to read this. I read your second installment and will read this in a day or so…. God BLESS YOU BIG TIME! Love and Hugs! allison

  44. 194
    Mary says:

    Oh, how I do not want to write this post. I have reasoned and argued with God today trying to find a way to avoid it. My heart is just about pounding out of my chest to put this into words. To write it is to “speak it out loud” and make it real. But I feel that the Holy Spirit is mandating and requiring it of me. To not write this would be direct disobedience. God used Beth’s invitation/request to share a time when we have lost hope to speak very directly and authoritatively into my heart. My precious 16-year-old daughter has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since she was 8 years old. The horror and desperation that accompanies this for me as her mother is overwhelming at times as we search for help for her. This summer on perhaps her worst day ever, as I tried to calm her and describe the next steps we would take in an effort to get help, she screamed at me, “You don’t get it. You don’t understand!! There IS no hope for people like me.” No hope for people like me. And after the years of praying and searching for answers, I have begun to believe that also. I think I know in the depths of my heart that there is hope, but it sure does not feel like it sometimes, and that has worn us out. She has nothing if she has lost hope. I carry this burden with me but I feel that today God was commanding (not asking) me to move toward surrender and trust (which I am not very good at!!). I am reminded of something Beth wrote – how you worry about not being able to survive your worst nightmares but then finding out that you can and God walks through them with you and you do survive. The scary thing for me is that I don’t know if my daughter will survive. Her brain has betrayed her. Some days she and I have more hope than others. I felt initially that I should not post this, because I don’t have a “but God” phase yet. There is no ending to my story yet – and I hope there won’t be until she turns 90 years old!!! But then it occurred to me that maybe the “but God” is happening every day as we work to manage this painful situation. Thank you to Gay (and Beth and all of you) for your willingness to let God speak through your stories. (Putting my name in the “Name” field will be my last step here…something I still don’t really want to do!)

    • 194.1
      Lindsee says:

      I am praying and believing with you, Mary. Thank you for sharing here. There is hope for the hopeless! Greater is HE that is in us than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

    • 194.2
      Mindi says:

      Oh, Mary. My heart breaks for you. I was your daughter once upon a time. The dark cloud settled over me when I was 7. My parents would find me crying, and I wouldn’t know why. I just felt so very sad. This was confusing to everyone around me (especially me), as I was raised in a loving family, a loving church, with loving friends. I was a “popular” kid by societal standards–a pretty girl, a good student, an above average athlete, with many friends. It seemed like the only person who didn’t love me, was me.

      I attempted to take my life at 14 and again at 18. During those years, I became a compulsive liar–inventing hideous circumstances in my life to garner help and sympathy from others, because no one (not even me) could believe that a young woman with such ideal circumstances could feel such a heaviness about life. I went to in house treatment after my second and final suicide attempt. I was medicated for a time. I went to therapy. My family did the best they could to love me and support me. And eventually, I wanted to live again.

      Honestly, after my second suicide attempt, it took about 8 years before it was effortless to see and feel joy. But it finally was effortless and still is most days. I have low times now and again, but they’re what I’d call the “normal” highs and lows of life, not the debilitating depression I once lived with.

      I’m 34 now. I have a husband, a two year old son, and a “bun in the oven” who are tangible evidence of God’s grace. I worried so much that I would fall into the cycle of hopelessness postpartum after my son was born (in fact, I delayed having kids for many, many years because of my fear that if I ever went back to that place again, there’s simply no way I could return to the land of the living a second time).

      But God, Mary. I pray that your daughter can share her own story of restoration one day soon.

    • 194.3

      My heart aches for you and your daughter and me and my family, too. I still am your daughter on so many levels. It kills me to admit it has only been months when I said those very words your daughter said to you. In pretty much that exact same order and everything. How many times I’ve told everyone they don’t understand and that there’s no hope for people like me. I fight every single day to hang on to hope. To hang on to Jesus. And so many times I’ve done that only to eventually let go again. I hope I never let go again, but at this point I’m not making any promises. I remember looking out a friend’s bedroom window and thinking to myself, “There really is nothing good in life is there?” How in the world does a 9 year old girl feel that way? My story is a little different as I do have a lot of trauma in my past beginning with a cataract and glaucoma in my left eye at birth, followed by seven surgeries, the first to remove the cataract, and the other six to attempt to restore the sight in my left eye. I lost the retina and now am permanently blind after the last surgery when I was 18 months old. I also was kicked in the head by a mule and nearly bled to death at 3 yrs of age. I then faced years of teasing at my odd appearance with a cloudy eye and a big scar on my forehead. The scar has faded, but the eye continues to cause many questions, which generally don’t bother me at this point. I prefer people ask rather than stare. The staring is almost more than I can bare. I just want to scream, “Would you stop looking at me like I’m a freak and just ask!” You have to look a little more closely to see the scar I guess. I notice it every day when I look in the mirror, but others have told me they didn’t even notice it until I mentioned it. (I did all sorts of stuff to my skin as a teenager to help reduce the appearance of the scar. Wasn’t much I could do about the eye. I wore colored contacts for a time, but that got too expensive.) But my point being the sadness still plagues me so often I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think of suicide until I was 15 and then tried about once a year from then on. My last attempt was two years ago. I threatened last year, but never followed through. My parents were not kind people either. I very rarely exposed my sadness, cause you just didn’t do that in my home. I hid my pain for years until I couldn’t any more. It came out in promiscuous behavior, and much use of drugs and alcohol and outbursts of anger and of course, suicide attempts. I also ran away from home frequently. Now I’m fighting with everything I have for my husband, 3 kids, and myself!!! It took me a long time to want to fight for me! Jesus is all I have and I’m hanging onto Him for dear life! I just could really use some love and support which I’m slowly getting more of all the time. Mostly online. I am praying for your daughter to grab hold of Jesus like I have and NEVER let go!!!!

  45. 195
    Betty M says:

    What a powerful story of what you give up for an addiction! It really is bondage on steroids! I had terrible mood swings for years anad at one point being on so many drugs at one time I was thought to be bipolar even but I realize now I was jsut a victim of over medication. I thought too after my sixth hospitalization I was at the end of hope. The devil would tell me to end my life cuz I could reach way more lives in my death than I ever could in living! What kinda lie is that? Some how when we are in dispair we feel the negativity is reality. It is so good to be free now of all this bondage of negativity and fear and dispair to be able to be excited for each day instead of dreading each new sunrise. Funny how life plays contrasts to get us to see simularities. It is in our addictions we learn to let go. It is in bondage that we are freed, it is in emptiness that we are filled it is in brokenness that we are made whole. My sincere best wishes and prayers for you as you continue in your recovery. We love you, stay in Him. Love Betty M from the heartland

  46. 196
    Heather says:

    Dearest Gay,
    I love you! Thank you for being courageous! You have the heart of a lion!
    I love how someone phrased their hope deferred…”I gave up hope, because it just hurt so bad to be disappointed again”. So true! I have these tormenting thorns and they won’t go away. But God! I am between the rains…and it sucks!

    I just wanted to thank you for your courage. You string words together and use analogies just about as well as our beloved Beth! God has absolutely given you the gift of writing (I can say that b/c I’m a teacher) : ), and I bet if we were having coffee I’d notice you have the gift of speaking as well! Do you really get what you are doing here? Sister…you are unlocking some chains around this place. Clank. Say it boldly. Say it louder. Say it…fearless…

    May the voice of God be louder than the enemy when we are between the rains and dealing with deathly thorns, even maelstroms.


    I just have to say this…You might be the Tim Tebow of Women’s Ministry right now. I am cheering you on!!!

    Love You So Much!!!!

  47. 197
    Cheryl Couperus says:


    Thank you for your courage in telling your story. I praise God that in all your years of drinking that He spared you the pain of taking the life of another while behind the wheel of your car. I lost two sisters-in-law in their early 20’s (one in 1969 and one in 1977) at the hands of drunk drivers. These are painful memories, but God is good. He sustained our family through these difficult times. May He sustain your sobriety daily as you seek to walk in His way.

    God bless you as you continue to share your story.

  48. 198
    Sandy says:

    Dear Gay and sisters! God really does want us to “give up” on doing it on our own and in our own strength -but never give up on Him!! Your story is so honest and full of pain that I wish I could hug you 🙂 although I know you have God’s hugs and loving eyes watching over you and nothing can top that! I had so many issues taking me down through a long course in my life as well…I finally felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore and I didn’t care how He wanted to rescue me but I begged -when I hit the bottom of my pit that I literally felt it couldn’t go any further down (but by His grace -or I would’ve sadly found a way to dig deeper!). I had crossed so many lines of “I’d never do that” that I was just sick at my whole mess called me. Most people still saw the facade as I was just a spit-fire, but the tearing in my heart was consuming me and hurting so many other people. I just begged and cried and wanted nothing more then to change. His way. Anything. No matter what losses I might feel. I’d cried and wanted change before, but only within certain ideals in my head.
    I was finally resigned -anything GOD, Please?!? He DID come through in leaps and bounds! Some things took a lot of time (true forgiveness of hurts done to me/done by me and the resulting actions), some were overnight (like 13 years of hardcore bulimia that was killing me from the time I started in 7th grade – I had waken up most every day saying “today would be different” until it was blown, then it was “who cares about the rest of today, I’ll try again tomorrow” that carried over into everything. He pulled that out of me with all the grace and compassion and strength and mercy that I could NEVER have imagined up to that point), some things are still healing and always changing in my heart and view even after over a decade, but I will never doubt Him. He showed me Unconditional Love in so many ways that I just want to pass it on! He is my rock! He is Life and Hope!
    You are such a treasure – His treasure, Our treasure. God is SO good to us. Thank you for sharing your lifeline and heart~ I know one day we will meet when all tears will be washed away -and time and distance won’t be a factor between God, us and each other!! 🙂 Hugs~ Sandy

  49. 199
    Nancy says:

    Gay ~ Thank you for sharing. It gives me insight as I am on the flip side of the coin.
    My husband of 32 years is an alcoholic. It has only been the last 8 years that he is out of control, lost his job, friends, & relationship with his children. The past two years it has taken its toll on his health. After each hospital stay (and they are month long stays) he tries to stay sober but not for long. This last time has been the longest, a month in the hospital and a month out, but I found a beer on Saturday. I am so sad. After I confronted him and made sure he doesn’t have cash he hasn’t had another. I don’t want to control him, I just do not know what more I can do to prevent it. I know ultimately it is up to him to stop.
    He is not a christian and ‘not an AA kind of guy’. I am asking him to go to 1 on 1 counseling.
    I know God can deliver him and that is my prayer. I have never given up hope in our Lord. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t weary. I am working two jobs and trying to stay afloat.
    Your blog has renewed my hope and as I mentioned before it gives me a window to what might be going through his heart and his head. As I pray for my husband I will be praying for you too. xo
    Beth ~I have been studying with you along the way and am currently doing James. It is funny how each study speaks to me right where I am at! Thank you for your faithfulness and love. PS I love the homework 🙂

  50. 200
    Jacque F says:

    Gay, thank you so much for your writings. I feel for you and your family. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. It’s amazing how much your stories are alike, except that she is still swimming in her bottle. I have not spoken to her in 2 years. I struggled all my life to not follow in her footsteps. My Dad always told me to “brake the cycle”. It was wonderful advice, and one that I would hear over and over, even to this day.
    But it was hard. There were many times, though I fought it, would find myself making her same mistakes. I’m not a drinker, THANK GOD, but I have had many bouts with depression and anxiety attacks.
    There was a time when I questioned my existence here on earth. I never committed suicide, but wanted my life to end. BUT GOD….he jumped in right away, giving me a bounty of family and friend support, counseling and church family.
    I am now 31 years old. I have been happily married for 10 years, and have 2 beautiful little girls. I am faithfully participating in a Womens Recovery Group through my church for those with addicted family members, and am on the road to being a “Recovering” Co-Dependant. I Know that God loves me, always has, always will. His love surrounded me all those years, and he kept me from harms way. He has a plan for me and my family. I “broke the cycle” because of God’s love for me.
    Thank you Gay for sharing you store. God Bless You.

Leave a Reply

To receive a daily digest of comments on this post, enter your email address below: