Long before I darkened the door to type one word on this blog, I tapped the keys and typed many-a-word on my own personal blog. It would be perfectly legal for me to say it was a thing of the past because I haven’t actually seen the blank screen of my own blog in a mere six months.
Do you see the single tear falling down my cheek?
I miss my blog.
You see, there was something so easy about blogging in my own little corner. I know that blogging is a form of publishing, so while I was careful about the topics I approached, I was also carefree. I could write about the egg I demolished, my lack of cooking skills, being single, a weekend update, my family, my friends and post pictures galore. For the most part, I knew my reader audience and I came to love them. In fact, a handful of them were some of you.
No one asked me to give up my personal blog, I was actually encouraged to keep it, but when the day came that I was asked to write on this blog, as a part of my job mind you, I just wasn’t sure how to keep up with two blogs. I tried, but failed miserably. I can feel my stomach turning again as I remember the first time I ever hit “publish” on my first post here. I stepped into very uncharted waters, and although I’d read the LPM blog for many years and even participated by commenting, I think we can all agree that commenting and publishing are two different things.
Mentally I had to ask myself what was so different about blogging in my own little corner as opposed to blogging here, and I came to the conclusion that I felt very exposed here.
Not only did I feel exposed, but I also realized the weight of whom I was representing. In my little corner I represented my ideas, my thoughts, and me. Here, I represent my boss, this ministry and most importantly, Jesus Christ.
And let’s just get real, my reader audience not only changed, but it grew exponentially. I was comfortable with my mom, dad and best friends reading what I wrote on Lindsee Lou. Since they knew me so well, my blogs never came as a surprise or shock to them.
I’ll never forget the first time I read a negative comment directed right at me over something I had said. It hurt. But that’s the sacrifice you make in sharing your life, not everyone will agree with everything you say, nor do I expect them too, but it was still very personal. I then received another, and another. At some point, you start to develop thick skin and not let it get to you in the flesh like you’d think it would, but I finally had to stop and give myself a little self-talk. Was I representing this ministry well? Was I speaking truth? Was I representing Christ well? If the answer to all of that was yes, then I had to keep writing.
In my effort to protect my heart and guard my identity, I wanted to stop writing because it wasn’t perfect. How disgusting is that? But that’s just the perfectionist coming out in me along with a mountain of pride. Truth be told, I did the same thing with singing. I grew up singing in choir, but squirmed at the thought of singing a solo. Why? Because what if I messed up? What if I didn’t do it perfect? What in the world would people think of me?
Again, being exposed rose up in me. Leading worship and writing, two very intimate things to me. That was until the Lord pushed me out there without my begging or asking. In fact, I even said no to singing at first.
But then I had to come to the conclusion that playing it safe, to protect my identity and what you may or may not think of me, was to actually play it really boring, and quite the opposite of living by faith.
I’m into genuine, sincere writing. And I feel like sharing my life is the most genuine way to go. The good, the bad and the ugly. And you too. Have you seen the encouragement and life-giving words that have been breathed onto this blog? We have the chance here to clothe people with dignity, love them where they are, and cast no judgment.
God is searching for hearts that are devoted to Him. If my heart is devoted to Him, I have no doubt He will return the dignity to me and support me. His word doesn’t return void, and it will accomplish its purpose.
I read this quote yesterday and it stuck out to me like a sore thumb, “The more intimate I am with God, the less intimidating people are to me.” Ouch and amen.
Truth be told, this community has become more and more dear to me everyday.
As I sat in Bible study a few weeks ago, I about had the wind knocked out of me when Beth shared a scripture with us that I have not, nor do I ever want to forget.
“We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.” 1 Thessalonians 2:8
In the middle of my throwing a fit about feeling exposed, the Lord gently reminded me why He’s called me, for such a time as this, to share my life with you. Or, as The Message puts it, we wanted to give you our hearts. And we did. Because you have become so dear to me. To us.
So, here’s my heart, my life, for you.
At the risk of feeling exposed, yet delighted to share my life with you, even if the gospel isn’t proclaimed word for word in each blog post, I pray you get a taste of Jesus Himself here.
Thank you, sweet friends, for letting me take a risk with you. The good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the serious, and even the mundane.
I sure love you.