Hey Siestas! Happy Monday! I saw such ministry in action in your comments to the last post. Thank you so much for your compassionate hearts and authentic walks with Christ. You are a true privilege to serve.
I’ve been meditating on something for the last few days that I thought you might get all wound up in, too. We all know – I pray – that God is the only true Redeemer and wonder worker and that He alone is our Savior but, according to Scripture, He very much wills for His people to minister to one another through the power of His Spirit. Here’s the question I’m pitching on the table today:
When you’re trying to get back on your feet, whether you’ve fallen into sin, discouragement, distraction, pain, betrayal, or anything else that can tumble you to the ground, what do you find really helpful from fellow human beings and what do you find UNhelpful?
Really reflect on the questions before you answer them because I want you to think in terms of what is authentically HELPFUL. Not what your flesh or my flesh craves when we’re down. Not what simply soothes us for the moment but does us no real help in the long run. What really does help? And what doesn’t?? Also make sure that your answers are reasonable. In other words, our mentors may not be able to move us in with them for six weeks and cook for us while the two of us hash all of this through. Grin. No one can make us his or her whole life. Only Jesus is meant to be our lives. (Col. 3:4) Think within the bounds of what people are reasonable capable of doing. Within those lines, all is fair game.
Here are the ground rules: Be genuine. Be kind. Please do not try to get back at someone on here who has disappointed you. Let’s have pure motives here today. You know that I say that in love. It’s just human nature. Lastly, please answer succinctly. Just a few sentences for each question so we can read them all. If you want to participate, start each of the two answers like this:
It really helps me when someone…
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
We’re not looking for right or wrong answers. We’re just reflecting today on what reasonable things we can do for one another to actually help and considering what things simply do not. We are liable to discover that what helps one Siesta doesn’t at all help another. I think this is going to get very interesting.
You are the most wonderful blog community on earth. I am NUTS about you. Go for it, Girls! WHAT HELPS???
I have a good friend who allows me to use her as a sounding board. Sometimes it just helps to talk through it to someone you can trust. Because she is a strong Christian, I fully trust any advise and am amazed many times the wisdom she gives me. Also having someone pray over the situation is extremely helpful and comforting.
It doesn’t help when someone asks questions when you know they are just being nosey and not empathetic. Also when they tell others and don’t get the facts correct.
It helps when one of my few close friends is just there. I don’t have to talk or be hostess. We can just be. I am not quick to talk about what really is in my heart,so the patience of my friends who “wait me out” has been precious to me.
What really helps me…You know us women we want to process things out…the person listens, ask questions, and say something like this “I’m so sorry your going through that, what can I do for you?” I would always rather have prayer than advise. Or at least wait until I ask for advise.
What really discourages me…. is when someone says “Oh come on!! you know God will come through for you…just like he did before. You know what your suppose to do…have faith…trust God.” What? Were not suppose to feel because Gods going to make it alright…yikes…don’t even bring that over here. I would rather talk to the dog.
What helps me is when those who I am talking with acknowledge that what I am feeling is legitimate. Not necessarily that I am “right” or that I should stay in the mindset I am in forever, but simply saying “you know, I can understand why you would feel this way. You’re totally normal, but you can also do better.”
What doesn’t help is when people think they are going to “fix” things right then and there. My experience counseling has taught me that the most genuine interaction you can have when trying to help someone is recognizing that their problems probably won’t be fixed by your words alone, and it doesn’t help when others don’t think that way.
It really helps me when someone…
takes the time out to really listen and express genuine empathy. When they speak in love, identify with my genuine hurt, and then they can tell me, “It sounds to me like you’re struggling with…” and what follows is a helpful constructive comment about my own contribution in the mess, it’s helpful. Then it becomes a healing experience as well as a learning one. It really comes down to the motive of the person I’m talking to. Do I sense genuine love, compassion, and desire to help or are they criticizing, judging, or shaming? It’s easy to forgive blunders when the love is obvious but difficult if it feels like they’re kicking me when I’m down.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
I think I answered this in the above. 🙂
So many of the comments so far remind me that what is helpful to each one of us also speaks our individual love language.
Helpful – When someone really listens and asks good questions to draw me out. Then I know they care and it helps me understand myself to hear what I’m thinking. Hugs help a lot too!!
Not so much – Trying to one up me with a similar story/problem, not really listening or what seem to be flippant answers. Or someone going on and on about themselves and basically invalidating my presence.
Debra Hammond
El Dorado, Ar
It really helps when they really listen to my heart and not just my words. They also take me right back to scripture or where they have been. Then they get me out to change my focus on the negative. They don’t leave me unless I show I am ok!! They never do the wrong thing. I
Blessed.
Helpful: Hugs, prayers, accountability, just knowing they are there.
Not Helpful: “Christianeese”. Pat answers.
I have been out of a job for a month now, and I work in one of the toughest cities to find a job. During this time I have to some conclusions…
It really helps me when someone…says they will pray for me and actually does (especially right then). I had a sweet friend who, when I told her I had an interview a few weeks ago – didn’t work out, though, asked me the time it would be and said she would be fasting during that time and for the most part of the day…for me. That was more than an encouragement. I knew she couldn’t make a job appear out of the sky or make the people I interviewed with give me the job, but she did more than just pray. I was so blessed by that I didn’t have words – she followed up with me and has prayed for me ever since. I know I can count on her.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…or anyone starts saying the normal gab. It’s then I realize that some of them didn’t even hear me or realize the full impact of what I’m going through. They just react like they would to any conversation. It’s just like how we get used to saying the normal when we see people we know in passin, “Hey, how are you?” “Good, thank you, how are you?” “Good.” I wish some people would look me in the eye and really try to understand. With that said, I don’t hold a grudge or think rude of them…it is simple: it really doesn’t help.
It really HELPS me when someone will just sit with me, whether in a literal or figurative sense. Someone who knows the pain of a fall and the glorious nature of grace. No words necessary.
It really DOESN’T HELP me when people harp about the issue. If it’s a sin thing, I know it! I didn’t lose the Holy Spirit along the way; I don’t need a human being to do the job He alone is capable of doing. I also dislike an onslaught of advice, no matter how well-meaning.
SUPER DUPER UNHELPFUL: when someone thinks a few days of the blues is comparable to clinical depression.
What helps? Honestly, some days nothing helps. However, what I appreciate most is someone who will sit beside me, pray with me, cry with me, rage with me, or be silent with me.
What doesn’t help? Platitudes. “Well meaning” solutions. Some things only God can change. Doctors can’t help, medications can’t help, life can’t help. Only God can. And while I may find myself in despair from time to time, eventually I remember that my hope has a Name. While I might not understand why we have this path to walk, I know He loves my boy. And I’m trusting Him with him.
What helps me is validation. To know my feelings matter and are real and important. Empathy and telling me I’m not crazy. I haven’t received a whole lot of that in my life, and I value it.
What doesn’t help…criticizing me when I’m down and telling me why I shouldn’t feel the way I feel.
Oh, my goodness! Mandi, I know exactly what you’re talking about! Wish I didn’t! That not helpful stuff is mostly what I have received since beginning my recovery! It’s only been recently that I’ve had validation. It’s so nice, and I am growing, imagine that. The lectures did no good!
What Helps- Honest understanding conversation and being encouraged to get out of the house and participate in activities with other believers like bible study (even when I’m so tired)
What doesn’t help- talking that is complaining and this isn’t someone else but when I just sit and let my mind go crazy
It really helps me when someone…speaks the truth IN LOVE.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…doesn’t hold me accountable.
It really helps when people acknowledge what I am saying, feeling, going through but tell me the truth of what they see in love. It really doesn’t help when they never check back up on me.
HELPFUL: do not underestimate the power of a smile to a stranger. Appropriate human touch. Any affirming act.
UNHELPFUL: comparing my situation to yours, your sisters, your aunts.
What helps – Knowing that I am not alone. Being able to attend a women’s Bible Study and being able to share my pain and concerns with women who are transparent themselves brings immense comfort. As well as knowing I have sisters who will pray for my situation.
UNhelpful – When they minimize my pain.
Mama Beth,
Do you know we are NUTS about YOU?!
Helpful: There is nothing more comforting to my soul than having an empathetic, listening ear. Thank God for friends who validate my crazy hormonal self and love me through THOSE days….
Not Helpful: “You should do this…” “I can’t imagine (with a certain tone) doing that…!”
I struggle with depression, can go from ‘that’s kind of sad’ to ‘what is the point of living’ very rapidly. Unfortunately I also tend to isolate during the darkest times. Helpful to me are the friends that refuse to leave me in the dark abyss. Phone calls, texts, showing up on my doorstep when they know I’m losing control. Sitting by my side in silence as I weep knowing the words can’t fix it.
What never helps….’suck it up’ (wish I could) ‘it’ll all be ok’ (I’m 35 and it’s not ok yet, you sure) ‘at least you’re not…..’ (i promise this feels bad enough, don’t heap guilt on top) and for me, one of the worst things for me is for a friend to tell me they will be mad at me if I______. My coping skills may not always be healthy, but please understand they are all I have, don’t make me fear your abandonment for surviving the only way I know how.
WHAT HELPS: A come alongside friend who is just “there” without any drama. Someone who listens – really listens without filling in the quiet pauses with chatter. A true prayer partner, a confidant, an old-fashioned card in the mail that says I’m thinking of you. Being with other pastor’s wives is pure therapy for the soul. Loved the times you spoke to us PW’s at LPL events.
WHAT DOESN’T HELP: Unsolicited advice from someone who has no idea of my journey or my pain, nosey people who just want something to gossip about, spiritual rhetoric, and someone who wants to talk more about themselves and the “it could be so much worse” camp.
You’re the bomb-diggity Bibby!
Love you, G.J. (Gran Jan, Georgia Jan) 🙂
I’ll have to reflect a bit- thank you for challenging us Love, an Aunt Siesta
HELPFUL: I’m praying for you and really mean it. A text or call later in the week with a scripture that speaks to my issue. This shows me that they have been thinking about me and have found a Word that will help. Also just saying that no matter what they still love me.
NOT HELPFUL: I am not one who brings my burdens to others very often and when I do I want them to at least listen to me. Often it seems they brush my troubles aside to tell me about something trivial in their lives.
What is helpful for me in times of doubt or discouragement is when I’m directed to scripture and shown that it applies to my situation. Just a reminder that God is faithful is often the “get out of the muck” I need. Something that is unhelpful, is an attitude you would really expect from a non-believer, but often is expressed from someone who is a Christ follower, and that is the questioning why I keep hanging on to something I believe God has planned but has yet to completely unfold. This attitude gets to be very daunting sometimes and has taught me to not share, listen, or trust very many people. I’ve often said to God that I’m beginning to believe it’s just me and Him.
helpful: what can i do for you?
not helpful: God told me, “…” about your situation.
I’m at the tail-end of the toughest year of my life. What has meant the most is just the quick “check-ins” by friends both local and far away. Maybe it’s a “thinking of you” text message. Or an offer to come over for dinner – along with the freedom to decline if I’m not up for it. Even just an email that a friend believes in me, and that she thinks I’m doing well despite my tough circumstances (even if I don’t feel it at the moment). Such “litte” encouragements have been the most life-giving things to me in an extremely tough season.
It really helps me when someone allows me to voice my feelings and pray with me.
It really doesn’t help me when someone takes my situation and makes it all about them. Please allow it to be me for once. I have burdens too!
It really helps when someone speaks truth to me about what I have done. I tend to be very hard on myself and sometime get so caught up in very negative self talk that I loose track of whats truth and whats not. Then I just heap more condemnation on myself. So that when I need to hear some truth about myself and the situation. Even if it is not pleasant to hear at least it is truth, and when it is told in love it is so helpful.
It really helps when someone takes the time to listen while encouraging me to talk. I tend to keep it all in and then when they wrap their arms around me and pray, I feel the Fathers touch. What a blessing!
When my young daughter was in the hospital with a serious spinal cord injury this year, I felt more anxiety than I’ve ever felt before. The BEST thing all my sisters in Christ did was email their prayers for me and my daughter. It was so touching to read the prayers that these friends brought before God, and it gave me more hope and encouragement than anything else put together.
It really helps me when I know my sisters will be completely honest with me about a situation…even if my flesh just wants sympathy. My friend recently started a ‘chastisement’ with ‘Girl!!! This is so hard…but…’. 😉
It really doesn’t help me when someone starts giving advice without REALLY listening to what I’m saying. Or when they give me (as my sis-in-love calls it) Sunday School answers. Speak the truth..but then help me put my feet on that ground and walk it!!
It really helps just to give me a hug and be there with me during the rough time.
Lin, my heart breaks that you find yourself so alone in the midst of your church family during this difficult time. As Christians, we sometimes are so good at shooting our wounded. I pray that God would rise up a true sister in Christ who would come along beside you and be that friend that you so truly need. Praying that God will heal, restore, and give confidence as you walk through this valley and when you come through to the other side you will joyfully shout “The victory is ours because of Christ Jesus.”
It helps when someone listens, keeps my confidence and most importantly, loves me and accepts me despite whatever I have done or am struggling with. Also, someone knowing how to speak the truth in love is so helpful.
It is not helpful when a person says what they think I want to hear or commiserates, without offering good counsel. I’m no better off after that. Also, I find it not to be helpful when a person feels the need to state the obvious: well, if you would just… That might be true, but it isn’t necessarily helpful after the fact. Oh, also, please don’t compare me to yourself, as if you are the standard. Okay, that’s all.
What helps me is when someone just listens. They don’t try to “fix” me, they just listen, cry, hold my hand, make me laugh, – whatever I’m doing at the time, for them to just bounce off the same is very helpful.
What does not help me is what my pastor calls “bumper sticker” responses. “God is in Control” – “It must be God’s will” = etc. While I know all these things, it sounds like you are up on the roof in that glass house looking down on me.
Just hold my hand and pray.
helpful? When someone offers to pray with me in the moment. 99.9% of the time this puts my focus on Christ, and gets me to stop spinning my wheels in my own muddy muck of emotions
not helpful? When someone offers advice to fix me or the situation…no human can fix me:) Day by Day God is creating, and making his beautiful work of art in me:)
I remember calling a dear girlfriend when I was having drama with my ex. I was just going on & on, full of emotions, telling her (and retelling her) my side of the story, the details of our drama. My sweet friend said during that conversation “Let me pray for you right now”. She prayed for me and the situation over the phone. I was moved to tears that she cared enough to do that. It immediately calmed me & while the circumstance hadn’t changed, I felt 100% better.
It is helpful when someone just listens, I mean really listens and is there day, after day, after day until you are through the fire.
It isn’t helpful when someone feels they have to offer advice and/or find some way to say they can relate to you, they have been through it or something similar.
What really helps is someone just being there and listening.
What doesn’t help is someone being “spiritual” quoting scriptures,telling me to trust God and focusing on their story. I do trust in God but need freedom to work through my pain.
It really helps me when someone is willing to speak truth over me…even (especially) when I don’t want to hear it. 🙂
It doesn’t help me when people try to compete for most difficult circumstance. I’m not one to dwell on the bad stuff. So if I’m down about something I have a pretty good reason, and I don’t need to hear how much worse someone else has it.
Just about an hour ago it really helped me when I confessed sin to a sister and she got tears in her eyes, listened, took my hands and lovingly prayed for God to restore me.
It doesn’t help me when someone says they want to pray for me but it seems that they just want information or just “want the dirt”
It really helps when someone is real and geniune (like you, Beth!!)
It does not help when I am told “God is in control”.
What really helps… intentional and genuine acts of love (word of encouragement, listening ears, willingness to ask questions and hear answers) Prayer. Space and freedom to be real with the pain. 2 weeks ago… discouragement had a grip… the pumpkin card I’m holding in this photo was a 4 year old boys wordless way of sending love. It delivered and reminded me of Jesus 🙂 Light and Love dispell darkness.
What does not help… a critical, works based, or belittling spirit.
HELPFUL: Showing up, little things. When I lost my brother suddenly, my siestas showed up and just did what needed to be done. Sat with me at the hospital, put a diet coke on the top of my car at the funeral home as a sweet surprise and sent cards, prayed and were just the same beautiful friends. A real help is sending people cards or calling them weeks after a tragedy. Everyone goes back to normal, but my normal will never be the same again.
NOT HELPFUL: People saying they knew how I felt (no they didn’t because they didn’t lose my brother). Never mentioning his name like he didn’t exist.
It really helps me when……people LOVE me where I am, no matter what their opinion is of my situation. Even saying I don’t understand but I’m here for you is better than turning their back on me because they think I’m wrong or don’t know what to say.
It is not helpful to me when……..you point out every little flaw I have and point the blame in my direction. Chances are, I KNOW I’m wrong, but I’m human. I make mistakes. Even Jesus loved people where they were at and lovingly pointed them to the answers.
I struggled for years w/ chemical depression as well as 3 adopted children w/ special needs. I had a couple of friends over the years that I could be brutally honest about the real uglies of life. They knew all my garbage. We laughed about it, cried about it and in the end we prayed about it. They were examples of the type of women I wanted despertely to be, but in the middle of my mess they let me be real. They knew life was ugly and I needed a place to share, yet they also knew my heart was to follow Jesus and that He was big enough to hold me in His hands. They shared their struggles, their growth, their failures, their victories.
They let me know that I was not alone and that our God was big enough to walk with us through the valleys of life. No pat answers. Lots of prayer, chocolate, and Mexican food.
Here’s a list of what I like: When someone listens to me share my feelings, spends time with me (lunch, coffee, whatever!), offers a book that helped them in a similar situation (without comparing our situations), sends a card or letter in the mail, prays Scripture over me, or just sits next to me as I let out all the tears!
recently I went through finding out my daughter would be born with downs. What helped the most were the friends who listened , let me cry, let me be angry, my dad who called everyday 2x a day to just talk, listen, tell a joke talk about anything but what was happening or talk about what was happening. A friend who came on her one day off and just sat with me for hours and listened . What did not help was people who said…you know its all going to be fine..God already knew, He has it all worked out. I know all this but in those first days weeks you don’t need a churchy answer you need a shoulder , a brownie a tissue a laugh. 2 years later I have the most beautiful daughter who has extra everything. Extra chromosomes extra smiles extra laughter extra love and I have the knowledge of true friends and can now comfort others by being comforted myself by truly amazing friends
When I’m down,especially after my stroke in 2007 I am encouraged when my loved ones remind me,look how far you’ve come and what God has done in your life.
What I don’t need is to be told “get a grip””get over it”
I take it in stride and think to myself those that haven’t been there don’t realize how it affects a person,how ones whole life in an instant is changed.
It really helps when….someone is willing to give me time to listen.
It really helps when…they follow up with scripture that I might want to memorize
It really helps when…they follow up later with a little word of encouragement or hold me accountable depending on the struggle
It helps me when someone listens, prays for me at that time and offers spiritual guidance.
It doesn’t help when someone is silent and doesn’t ask when they know you are in a pit or in need of help.
Oh Beth, this one is easy. What really helps me is when someone speaks scripture to me. Sometimes they know my situation and speak the Word and sometimes they don’t know my situation and speak the Word. Either way…Wow! Another thing that really helps me is when I know someone is praying for me during their own quiet time, when no one else is around.