Hey Siestas! Happy Monday! I saw such ministry in action in your comments to the last post. Thank you so much for your compassionate hearts and authentic walks with Christ. You are a true privilege to serve.
I’ve been meditating on something for the last few days that I thought you might get all wound up in, too. We all know – I pray – that God is the only true Redeemer and wonder worker and that He alone is our Savior but, according to Scripture, He very much wills for His people to minister to one another through the power of His Spirit. Here’s the question I’m pitching on the table today:
When you’re trying to get back on your feet, whether you’ve fallen into sin, discouragement, distraction, pain, betrayal, or anything else that can tumble you to the ground, what do you find really helpful from fellow human beings and what do you find UNhelpful?
Really reflect on the questions before you answer them because I want you to think in terms of what is authentically HELPFUL. Not what your flesh or my flesh craves when we’re down. Not what simply soothes us for the moment but does us no real help in the long run. What really does help? And what doesn’t?? Also make sure that your answers are reasonable. In other words, our mentors may not be able to move us in with them for six weeks and cook for us while the two of us hash all of this through. Grin. No one can make us his or her whole life. Only Jesus is meant to be our lives. (Col. 3:4) Think within the bounds of what people are reasonable capable of doing. Within those lines, all is fair game.
Here are the ground rules: Be genuine. Be kind. Please do not try to get back at someone on here who has disappointed you. Let’s have pure motives here today. You know that I say that in love. It’s just human nature. Lastly, please answer succinctly. Just a few sentences for each question so we can read them all. If you want to participate, start each of the two answers like this:
It really helps me when someone…
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
We’re not looking for right or wrong answers. We’re just reflecting today on what reasonable things we can do for one another to actually help and considering what things simply do not. We are liable to discover that what helps one Siesta doesn’t at all help another. I think this is going to get very interesting.
You are the most wonderful blog community on earth. I am NUTS about you. Go for it, Girls! WHAT HELPS???
It really helps me when someone: is just there present and not afraid of my pain. When I am reminded that there is always hope!
It is not helpful when someone: is judgmental, cliche phrases, not genuine. (however I try to understand that they mean well just may not know how to convey what they feel)
“not afraid of my pain” That is exactly it! I was trying to figure out how to describe this quality without taking 18 pages to do it and you summed it up perfectly!! thanks! 🙂
“and not afraid of my pain” great way to say that!
Crissy,
You brought something up here and I think there is some truth to it. Some people do not know how to convey what they feel and we all say or do the wrong thing sometimes_which we need to be forgiving of one another I think. After my mother passed away there were people that said some hurtful things like, “you are only feeling sorry for yourself” or “she needs to ask God to heal her” etc. Job went through the same thing with his friends. So, thinks for bring this up. Most people mean well, they just do the best they can sometimes.
It really helps me when someone goes out of their way to just call me and ask how am I really doing. Shows a true interest for my heart..and encourages me in the Lord…
it’s easier to except the words of Christ when others show his concern though them… Relationship ya know 🙂
I guess it doesn’t help when people judge to quickly about a person’s life. They might forgive what I have done but sometimes they don’t let me forget what I have been forgiven for….
It really helps me when someone offers to pray for me right then and there.
It is not helpful when people say to remember how people are suffering elsewhere in the world. I feel it minimizes my pain and makes me feel bad for feeling bad.
It really helps when someone shares genuinely from their heart something that has happened to them, submitted humbly that it might help another.
It doesn’t help when someone gives me a list of things I should do……
This response is very true for me. It is very freeing to know that I am not the only one who struggles.
I generally don’t need a list of things to do…I already know what to do and I’m not doing it, that’s the problem!
Forgot my main “doesn’t help” – it doesn’t help when someone sympathizes with me and fails to deliver the hard stuff. Sometimes I just need a good swift kick….. seriously. I hate that but it’s true.
It is really helpful when a friend is just present. Actively listens, offers a hug and holds your hand. It is helpful when a friends prays with me or just says something incredibly kind or encouraging. The other night at Bible study I shared something very painful and personal. The next day a friend I am just getting to know messaged me on facebook and told me that just as Aaron held up Moses arms during the battle, she would be holding up mine. It brought tears to my eyes and I felt so encouraged.
It doesn’t help when someone tries to fix my problem. Especially if they are trying to fix it without actually listening to what you are saying. It also doesn’t help when someone tells you to pull up your boot straps and get on with it. That drives me nuts! Point me to the Lord and encourage me to rely on Him ONLY.
Helpful: When a person who knows what I am going through takes the time to prayerfully seek God and offers me words of encouragement based on His words – scripture. Point me to God, tell me what He says. Then follow through in a week or two. Check in on me, hold me accountable to what God says – am I doing it. Quite frankly, I need someone to be a little tough on me (in a gentle way).
Not Helpful: It’s nice that someone sympathizes with you (I truely mean that) but in the end it brings little real change & healing. Their opinions dont always help.
Note of encouragement: There is to much at stake these days to take light of this very topic. Study Gods word so you can be ready w/ His word when you see someone hurting, in need, etc. Jeremiah 23:29
Helps to just hear encouragement or be prayed with or real short visits.
Unhelpful: having to write ‘thank you’ cards in times of hardship or loss, more work when I am overwhelmed already.
What really helps: shared tears, a text or email with a scripture later (I will look up all sent to me!), a meal brought to my home because life does go on whether I feel like it or not…
What doesn’t help: silence.
It really helps me when someone…
Listens without interrupting
Acknowledges my pain/disappointment/current struggle without offering anything else (trying to fix it, trying to come up with a similar scenario they’ve been in to identify with me); just simply acknowledges that they hear where I’m coming from
Follows up after we’ve initially discussed whatever it is, even if only to say, “I’m thinking about you today.”
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
Tells me about that “one time, this happened to me…”
Tells someone else about my situation without my permission
WOW..ditto to all of the above answers.
What really helps me is when a friend hugs me and prays right then and there for me…sometimes over the phone (from miles away) you can still feel the hug.
What really doesn’t help is that answer that comes on the fly…they had it all planned out before I finish my words. Just listen and hear me.
It really helps me to receive just a simple text or email from people who really care. My husband was diagnosed with early Parkinson’s last year and all I asked from some people were encouraging texts or short emails. Only takes a minute – but few have followed through.
It doesn’t help me when people act like they don’t know. Most people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. When caring people ask me out of caring hearts how my husband is doing, it is like a big hug from God.
Dear Emily,
I do not know you nor what you are going through. I can only imagine the struggles you are strong enough to handle. What I do know… God is good all the time, he is powerful in all things. Prayer is the most mighty gift I can give to you. I will pray. For whatever you are going through, to give you encouragement, peace and well being. IN HIS NAME, AMEN
It really helps me when someone…
Sends me a card of encouragement and adds a Scripture. Every time someone does this for me, the card seems God-breathed and the Scripture is one He uses to encourage me OR if they’ve been “there”, to hug me and say – You are not alone, I’ve been there and know it hurts! OR invite me to lunch or dinner so we can chat.
It does not help me when someone…avoids me.
It really helps me when I have one friend that I know I can trust to just be really honest with me. That may involve telling me what I don’t want to hear or kicking my tail end and telling me to get off my pity party and get my head back in the truth of His word.
It really does not help me when people try to give me advice when they have not been in a similar situation. If you have not been in those shoes, don’t give advice…just love and encourage!
What is really unhelpful is when a friend tries to make me feel better about myself in my wretchedness. I really do appreciate the sincere motives that are behind it. But, reminding me of why I’m really not that bad or how many others have failed as bad or worse……is just not helpful. What I really need is to be reminded of where to take my wretchedness. And that He knows and is willing to redeem it. I have hope in Jesus. I definitely don’t want to be tempted to soothe myself with “it’s really not so bad…..I’m better than _____” OR to have a list of 5 different ways I can pull myself up and determine to do better. (only to later find myself in the same place again) I need to be encouraged to go to the power source and lay it all before Him.
It really helps me when I have a host of prayer warriors. During my valleys, people often ask what they can do and I say pray. My closest prayer warriors do pray for me in their private times, through text messages, and emails all throughout the day. Those reassuring calls and texts get me through my darkest days.
It really does NOT help me when people demand to know the details– Well, what’s going on…Why are you upset…– A simple “I need prayer” is enough reason to pray for a person who is traveling down a dark road. Details can be a gateway for the enemy and when people become too demanding of this I become very weary. Prayer does not need a detailed explanation to warrant it– just a simple request.
Good point! I think that’s probably why I never ask for prayer is because I don’t want to share details.
It really helps me when…someone listens and tells me that they are praying for me or gives me godly counsel.
It doesn’t really help when…people give advice without thinking or gives worldly advice.
It really helps me when: the person who I have confided in really hears me (listens!) Just being there is good! And saying that they’ll pray for me is good.
It really doesn’t help me when: they immediately tell me what I need to do, something I have to earn or work at.
Because in the long run, being there for a person is helpful. Help with a difficulty takes time.
It really helps me when someone…recalls to me the victory they have seen in my life because of God’s faithfulness.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…brushes off the serious privilege to be an encourager in Christ when invited by the Spirit.
It really helps me when someone…listens and not tries to fix the problem
It really doesn’t help me when someone…says “this too shall pass”
It really helps me when…a kind word or thought is said.
It does not help me when…I’m not allowed to filter through my emotions during a time in need.
It really helps me when someone gives personal, undivided attention/affirmation, and when they ask questions -without offering all the box answers- to help me work thru it with God.
It really doesn’t help me when someone judges by expecting me to do things I’m not ready for or be further ahead than I actually am. It does not help me to hear that others are suffering also, b/c I’m still suffering.
I think it is very important to set boundaries, defining what type/amount/length of help one is offering, and then define what one would expect from the other in response to help themselves. Otherwise the helper feels like they have to keep helping and the helpee becomes dependent on that help, stops growing, and constantly wants more, and if no one talks about it, it causes tremendous stress and can fracture the relationship.
In my most painful time, I didn’t get any help locally, but a Siesta who lives 1,000 miles away, whom I didn’t even know very well, invited me to come to her home and gave me her attention for 3 days. Best thing anyone has ever done for me.
I love you, Eleanor!
So thankful for Siestaville.
Awwwwwwwww thanks Michelle!
I love you too and you are welcome back anytime and any other Siestas…..:)
its so helpful to me when people are real. they are honest with me about my situation and arent afraid to tell me what i really need to know.
its so not helpful for people to compare my situation with their own or to someone else they know when really our situations arent the same at all. that goes back to ‘knowing me’
recently i shared some things with a woman i barely know – some deep stuff. she listened with her heart- and then she gave me a hug. she didnt have to say a word with her mouth- her genuine hug let me know that she understood me, felt my pain and loved me without judgement. what a sweet heart!
It really helps me when people text or e-mail that they’re praying for me; when they treat me like I’m lovable when I know I’m not acting like it; and when (if I’m having a rough time with chronic illness) they ask if they can bring a meal or keep me company at an appointment.
It really doesn’t help me when (again, dealing with chronic illness) people say, “But you don’t look sick” or “Do you need anything?”
Helps: Prayer, staying in touch, telling me they believe in me.
Doesn’t help: “Shoulds” – “you should have done this, if only you had done that.” I’ve learned to tell people – “Don’t should on me. I don’t need a Monday morning quarterback, I need pray and support.”
It really helps me when someone shows it through their actions like hugging, listening to me (really listening) sharing with me about what has helped them in the same kind of situation that I am in. Or simply just praying for me and the situation at hand. Sharing with me any word that the Lord has revealed to them for me. Showing me in God’s word what He has to say about the situation.
It really doesn’t help me when someone undermines what you are going through, laughs when you are telling them about what you are going through, halfway listens to what you are saying. Pretends they care just to find out what is going on with you and then spreads it around to others. Beats you up with the Word Of God instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to be their guide, to listen, pray, just be there, not try to fix the situation, give a hug, offer supporting scriptures.
It really helps me when someone lets me feel all of my feelings, rant, vent, cry, let me say what I need to say. I process things verbally, so knowing that someone is hearing and really listening and trying to understand means the world to me. It also helps me when I receive advice that is down-to-earth and practical.
It really doesn’t help me when people quote spiritual platitudes or Bible verses to me when they don’t really understand the situation. It also doesn’t help when others try to fix things. I will ask for help if I need it.
It really helps when people are honest – in love. Then they let you think about it and let God deal with you about it. Sometimes it stings a while but when you know they love you its good to hear the hard truths.
What helps me is when someone listens to what I have to say. just talking it out sometimes allows me to see the whole picture.
What doesn’t help is when someone tries to fix. Fixing it is not the issue I think we already know how to fix it
I also know that if someone is in agreement with me or condemns me it does not work
I’ve found in my life that the ONLY thing that truly takes me back to the Lord and full restoration to Him is an intense time of prayer and fasting…
So what is most helpful to me…is knowing I can count on a couple of my closest friends to be praying over me while I’m going back to my alter of repentance and restoration.
What is not helpful (even though my flesh wants it) is their opinion or words of “comfort” which can be misunderstood as “giving me excuses.”
God takes holiness serious and I want to, too!! Blessings to you all!!
Paula Rhoades, Missionary in El Salvador
What really helps me is this simple question: How my I pray for you? and then hold my hand a pray- (asking no question- and listening if I want to talk- with only a scripture of hope)
Also words that build a person up- God loves you- You will make it through these times- It may be difficult but you know what- God connected us so I will be here for you as long as you need me- Here is my phone #-email- just let me know what you need- And then pray for them every day till they walk out of their difficult situation-
I must say – some people need one prayer-one hug–and they are off skipping down their personal journey with Christ all healed up-
There are others who see the glass always half empty and will suck up your time- some days seem healed up from wounds and it is over and over and over they are either wounded or negative– Those women- need Jesus- they need to understand Jesus- and perhaps counseling professionally-
When dealing with life- stuff with others- Pray-Pray and Pray again for God to allow you to see with His eyes and to take you to the person or persons whom HE wants to work through you-
It is always fun to rejoice with those who rejoice-
It is always important to weep with those who weep– pray-encourage and rejoice when they are free!!!
I love it when someone or others pray and intercede for me as if they themselves were dealing with it. And then, they check back in a few days to ask if things are beginning to turn-around. Nothing encourages me like prayer, it invites God in and pushes the devil out.
I dislike sympathy. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, makes me feel more depressed and like things won’t change anytime in the near future. I also dislike feeling judged, you know, like Job’s friends trying to imply he must have done something to deserve the suffering.
What really helps me is this simple question: How may I pray for you? and then hold my hand a pray- (asking no question- and listening if I want to talk- with only a scripture of hope)
Also words that build a person up- God loves you- You will make it through these times- It may be difficult but you know what- God connected us so I will be here for you as long as you need me- Here is my phone #-email- just let me know what you need- And then pray for them every day till they walk out of their difficult situation-
I must say – some people need one prayer-one hug–and they are off skipping down their personal journey with Christ all healed up-
There are others who see the glass always half empty and will suck up your time- some days seem healed up from wounds and it is over and over and over they are either wounded or negative– Those women- need Jesus- they need to understand Jesus- and perhaps counseling professionally-
When dealing with life- stuff with others- Pray-Pray and Pray again for God to allow you to see with His eyes and to take you to the person or persons whom HE wants to work through you-
It is always fun to rejoice with those who rejoice-
It is always important to weep with those who weep– pray-encourage and rejoice when they are free!!!
It really helps me when someone just gives me a big hug, and then has me recount back to them the stories of how the LORD has miraculously delivered me and been unbelievably faithful to me. As I do this with someone not only does it surprise me how much it ends up encouraging them, but also I recognize my faith is built and I am expectant to see how HE will again walk me through this thing as I CLING to HIM.
It doesnt help me when someone doesnt know their own boundaries and limits, and doesnt seek the LORD about their involvement of “help” and what that may look like as I trust HIM to lead them, or NOT lead them.
What really helps me is this simple question: How may I pray for you? Then simply pray- (asking no question- and listening if I want to talk- with only a scripture of hope)
Also speak words that build a person up such as “God loves you- You will make it through these times- It may be difficult but you know what- God connected us so I will be here for you as long as you need me- Here is my phone #-email- just let me know what you need-”
And then pray daily for them till they walk out of their difficult situation-
Some people require one prayer- one hug–and they are off skipping down the happy trail on their journey with Christ all healed up-
There are others who see the glass always half empty and will demand your time- some days they seem healed up from wounds and it is over and over and over they are either wounded or negative– Those women- need Jesus- they need to understand Jesus- and perhaps counseling professionally-
When dealing with life- stuff with others-
Pray-Pray and Pray again for God to allow you to see with His eyes and to take you to the person or persons whom HE wants to work through you to help them-
It is always fun to rejoice with those who rejoice-
It is always important to weep with those who weep– pray-encourage and rejoice when they are free!!!
Helpful: someone who really listens when you want to talk about your pain. Someone who acts as if she has nothing more important to do and nowhere more important to be than with you and listening during your pain. It doesn’t have to be in person, on the phone is fine. It doesn’t have to be forever, but when the need arises.
Not helpful: explaining away the pain – My example is about miscarriages. Things like “there was something wrong with the baby so you are better off,” “you will be able to have other children,” “wouldn’t it be worse if (fill in the blank) happened?” Those things might be true, but they don’t help in the pain.
It is so helpful if someone will let me cry and not be ashamed or afraid of my tears. For so many years I would not cry and now my tears flow often!
It is not helpful when people try to give so much advice it is overwhelming.
It really helps when I’m checked up on, but in an unobtrusive way. I truly appreciate voicemails and emails with encouragement and no guilt that I am unresponsive. So often I need to know people care, but I just can’t bear to talk to anyone. I want to be left alone, but I don’t want to be left alone. I got a voicemail a couple of weeks ago that was just “Hi – I just wanted to check in and maybe pray with you. But since I missed you, I’ll just pray anyway.” And then she prayed the most perfect and poignant prayer for me and my family without even knowing what we were in the middle of. It was exactly what I needed.
I think it would be helpful to have a mentor, but I do not have one right now.
It doesn’t help me for someone to “diagnose” the problem and prescribe a spiritual cliche. I know I need third party input because I am so prone to blindspots, but I do not want unsolicited “pat” answers.
It really helps me when someone…prays for me. I’m not usually one to ask for it, but when I’ve went through a very difficult time, this is the only thing that truly helps. Only God can help me in those moments and my friend’s intercession is greatly felt.
It really doesn’t help me when someone (this does depend on the person)…gives an abundance of advice about my situation when they haven’t really walked through it.
It really helps when my mentor actively listens to me and after a little while speaks truth based on scripture and then prays with me. I am a very goal oriented girl. So my mentor will ask for me to come up with a or some goal(s) to run after (which I do) and checks in with me a few weeks later with encouragement and or more truth (ugh, just joking).
It does not help when someone is not transparent with me and does not speak truth. I do not respond well to small talk and lies.
It really helps when someone lovingly listens and speaks truth into my heart, without judgment or condemnation. Just listening is so wonderful.
It really doesn’t help when the conversation suddenly becomes all about them. It’s so nice if they can honestly say “you know, I’ve been there, too”….but then there’s that point when the whole thing turns around and becomes about what they went through. And I’m left feeling like I really don’t matter.
It really helps me when someone… lets me know they are lifting me and mine up in prayer, sends encouraging notes, shares scripture God layed on their heart, comes by to visit.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…tells me they know exactly how I feel (in my limited experience, that has rarely been true), tells me they’ve been through the exact same thing (once again, rarely true), tells me everything is going to be Okay (that just minimized my
situation and invalidates my pain).
Does anybody else think “succinctly” will be completely attainable about the same time as “holy” and “saintly”?
Perhaps it’s just a personal problem.
It really helps me when someone reaches out to me, listens and even ask a few questions – not necessarily about details but about me. Sometimes I need an ear and a shoulder but not an answer.
It really doesn’t help me to be left alone, isolated. Being included helps to feel normal. It also doesn’t help when I have my words repeated to me by someone other than the person I shared with.
I will never forget a season of my life during which I was backsliding into some “old comforts”. Of course, my church attendance took a hit. During that time, I saw the one person I DID NOT WANT to see: my Sunday School teacher. She did not let me brush her off with a grin and a hello. She told me she had missed me. I answered that I hadn’t been able to make it lately. She replied, “Yeah, but we just have to go to church.” She is a school teacher and used that tone. It stung at the time; but I got my little behind back in church. As I look back, those were some of the most loving words anyone ever said to me. HONESTY helps.
Sometimes we “understand” our way into being complacent with someone’s sin. DISHONESTY does not help.
I confess and repent of my complacency with sin today. Help me Lord!
It really helps me when someone…
is a confidential,compassionate, respectful listener. Who will then pray over me for wisdom and clarity.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
masked judgement, I can always tell when the person who is acting like the are helping me is really judging me. That is painfully not helpful.
pity – not helpful in the slightest.
I find it helpful when my mothering mentor is not afraid to give me a spiritual spanking with her words and pray with me. She always leads me to the Word! I’ve done the ugly cry more than once on her sofa and let me tell you God has done a healing work because of our prayer times together.
I think most of us have mentors (Oh, I pray you have one like mine!) and mentor others. I asked her how we could truly help others last week and this is what she told me: When we speak the truth in love we give others a gift. It’s up to them what they do with that gift. You don’t follow up to see if they use it, return it, or trash it. You simply walk in obedience and let the Holy Spirit do the rest!
Much love to all of you!
It really helps me when someone:
listens to me in a neutral manner-not telling me how wrong I am OR that what I am involved in is right. If I am hashing through issues regarding a pit I have dug for myself, I don’t need condemnation (I’ve already condemned myself more than they ever could), but I also don’t want someone to tell me it’s ok. I just want someone to listen as I verbally process the mixed-up mess that is rolling around inside my head.
It really doesn’t help me when someone:
does not give me accountability when I have asked for it. It takes a lot of guts to go to someone and ask her to hold me accountable in a tough situation, but I want help so badly that I am willing to expose my weakness to someone else. If she never asks about it again, it makes me wonder if she justs thinks I am not struggling anymore, or if she is afraid that I AM struggling and she doesn’t really want to know about it because it is too uncomfortable for her.
helpful? truth. not that i always want to hear it….
unhelpful? accusations and recriminations
Love the question! Maybe it’s because it’s one I’ve been pondering a lot in my own life, both in how I wish that the body could minister more to our family, or in ways I want to be sure to pitch in when I see others going through something.
We lost my mother in law about 6 months ago and it’s been really hard on my family. So far some of the most helpful things have been being prayed over, and having someone ask how I REALLY am and waiting for the answer.
Don’t just say you’ll pray for them, pray over them RIGHT then. And go back to it often any time they’ve been on your heart or it’s been awhile since you’ve checked in.
Don’t ask how someone is unless you REALLY want to hear, and are willing/capable of listening to a half hour rambling. Don’t ask if you don’t really care, people can tell. But if you do care, ASK. It’s comforting to know people think about you and what you’re going through.
Don’t assume because time has passed the issue is all better. Check on people a month out, a couple months out, holidays, etc.
For marrieds and people with kids especially younger ones, I think this stuff is particularly difficult. It would have made a huge impact to have someone give us the gift of time to process as a couple and parents. A date night with baby sitting included would be HUGE.
Even an older couple a preplanned date where they can just have fun together.
I think being thoughtful of the person is huge as well. For instance, I love to cook. People brought us meals which was really sweet, but in some ways almost took away a distraction and form of therapy. The same may be true for people with housework or maintenance.
I would have preferred a conversation over a cup of coffee then a meal left on my doorstep any day.
Sorry for the long response, hope that helps!
It really helps me when someone…
God sends someone that is refreshingly the opposite of the issue that caused the hurt and trauma. This reminds me that our experiences with people are not Godly-universal truths that are meant to be ‘mold’ for patterning my thoughts or the direction of my affections.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
Says all the right things but I can sense the emptiness of convictions behind their words.