Hey Siestas! Happy Monday! I saw such ministry in action in your comments to the last post. Thank you so much for your compassionate hearts and authentic walks with Christ. You are a true privilege to serve.
I’ve been meditating on something for the last few days that I thought you might get all wound up in, too. We all know – I pray – that God is the only true Redeemer and wonder worker and that He alone is our Savior but, according to Scripture, He very much wills for His people to minister to one another through the power of His Spirit. Here’s the question I’m pitching on the table today:
When you’re trying to get back on your feet, whether you’ve fallen into sin, discouragement, distraction, pain, betrayal, or anything else that can tumble you to the ground, what do you find really helpful from fellow human beings and what do you find UNhelpful?
Really reflect on the questions before you answer them because I want you to think in terms of what is authentically HELPFUL. Not what your flesh or my flesh craves when we’re down. Not what simply soothes us for the moment but does us no real help in the long run. What really does help? And what doesn’t?? Also make sure that your answers are reasonable. In other words, our mentors may not be able to move us in with them for six weeks and cook for us while the two of us hash all of this through. Grin. No one can make us his or her whole life. Only Jesus is meant to be our lives. (Col. 3:4) Think within the bounds of what people are reasonable capable of doing. Within those lines, all is fair game.
Here are the ground rules: Be genuine. Be kind. Please do not try to get back at someone on here who has disappointed you. Let’s have pure motives here today. You know that I say that in love. It’s just human nature. Lastly, please answer succinctly. Just a few sentences for each question so we can read them all. If you want to participate, start each of the two answers like this:
It really helps me when someone…
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
We’re not looking for right or wrong answers. We’re just reflecting today on what reasonable things we can do for one another to actually help and considering what things simply do not. We are liable to discover that what helps one Siesta doesn’t at all help another. I think this is going to get very interesting.
You are the most wonderful blog community on earth. I am NUTS about you. Go for it, Girls! WHAT HELPS???
I was struggling with depression and my daughter wrote out a list of all the things I could be thankful for and then e-mailed it to me. She asked me to listen to a certain song that had helped her and then called me often asking me how I was doing. She stuck with me and yet she did let me see all the things I could praise the Lord for. The fact that one keeps calling you and checking in with you means so much. My grandchildren’s love and hugs and sitting next to me on the couch did wonders for my soul. I had several people share books with me, go on a walk with me.
What didn’t help was a lot of bubbly talk while I was feeling so low.
Boy are you right on!
What helps? Listening and answering honestly — no sugar coating, something tangible with love and truth
What doesn’t help? Telling me it’ll be alright, not to worry, etc. or launching into their issues.
Love this quote … would rather be hit with the truth, than coddled with a lie.
GREAT TOPIC!!!!!
Had to laugh! When I first read your post I thought it said “…hit with a truck!” Well, sometimes that’s what the truth can feel like!
It really helps when someone reaches out unexpectedly. Like showing up with dinner or calling to pray with me unexpectedly. It’s always at the right time.
It doesn’t help when someone spouts off Spiritual cliches and acts as if they have all the answers. Sometimes we just don’t. And “You know God has it under control” rarely makes me feel better. Just listen and say “I don’t know!”
As my husband & I continue to push forward into his recovery from porn and sex addiction, it has been hard to find encouragement. I have been told a number of times by church members that people are overwhelmed by this kind of situation. I can’t tell you how that adds to the already painful situation. I need a friend so badly who will just understand that I will have a bad day now and then as I heal from this. Just someone who will have a heart to come along side me would be an amazing answer to prayer…but still praying for this. Thankful that I do have Jesus…but desiring for the church to get better at this. I am in a desperate and lonely place..would appreciate prayer!!
Praying for you now….
Praying, Lin. Thank you for sharing with us. This is hitting the church in epidemic proportions, so it’s important that we learn how to be good help.
Lin,
My husband struggled with a pornography addiction for years. Honestly, I think that this is more prevalent than people are willing to own up to. Maybe that’s what’s overwhelming – your public struggle brings private ones to light and people don’t know how to deal.
I’m so sorry for the hurt that has lacerated your heart. I’m praying for you. Please feel free to email me at [email protected].
Love,
Marie
Oh Holy One of Israel!!! You alone are Holy, you alone are worthy and you alone can heal! Please be with this precious lady who really needs some fellowship from someone willing to get in the trenches with her. I pray that she would know not to be afraid because you are with her, to not be dismayed for You are her God, You will strengthen her and help her and You will uphold her with Your righteous right hand! I pray she just know your Love! In Jesus name Amen
Lin,
I will be lifting you up in prayer. I just lift you up to God to wrap His loving arms around you right now and for you to feel His love for you at this moment right where you are. I can’t imagine how hard your days must be sometimes. But I can certainly bow my head for you and just lift you up in prayer.
Dear Lin,
Please know that I will be praying for you. I will specifically pray for a godly, nurturing, loving mentor to come be at your side as you heal and move forward. I am so proud of you for stepping out of that. Please know that all of Heaven is rooting you on. God is not on His throne shaking His finger at you. His grace and love is sufficient to help you if you will only ask Him. Don’t let the enemy whisper accusations in your ear or lay a guilt, shame, and condemnation trip on you. God is celebrating your recovery as am I. Hang in there, girl! Greater days await you!!!
Love and prayers!!!
I will pray for you with no judgment just love in Christ. You are loved and cared for! In all honesty it’s ok to have a bad day, just cry out to the Lord and tell him your hurts you don’t have to have all the answers: he knows your future! Hugs!!!!
Lin,
Altho I have not battled that exact issue, I sure know what it feels like to feel all alone – with situation the church doesn’t know what to do about.
I will be praying for you.
Laurie
I have found tremendous help thru SAnon while my husband attended SA. It has been a long and painful journey but God is Good and Faithful! I can tell you I am more gratefull now for my marriage of 18 years than I ever dreamed possible. God patiently walked along side both my husband and myself as he did his miraculous work of healing our hearts and drawing us both closer to HIM! SAnon groups can be found on the Internet. They are anonymous groups of women sharing their experience, strength and hope while walking together in their journey.of recovery. Lin, my husband and I will be praying for you, your husband and your marriage, Sally
Lin, praying for you right now.
Lin, praying for you and your husband this morning.
God bless, Tracie in Fairfield Ohio
Lin, I know exactly what you are feeling !! Thanks for helping me this morning with my feelings of inadequacy and regret that I even married the guy. Even though I love him I hate him. So messed up. I really become resentful when friends and family start preaching to me…. I know that they are trying to help but preaching does not do it right now ;-< I am wounded and have open sores (not my body mind you, my soul) And, then there are lots of folks who are saying "…. YOU KNEW…." God bless them for having walked in my shoes but really….. now really they did NOT walk in my shoes so how do they know that I KNEW !! I did know that he had a tendency toward liking porn but I did not KNOW the extend of his addiction! I love our Abba Father 😉 I am in the same place as you regarding church. I am actually going to a different church where I am more comfortable. I will be praying for you, my siesta.
Lin, I will be praying for you!! Your story breaks my heart. I know what desperation feels like, for I have been there (for other reasons). Hang on, dear sister!
Lin, My heart goes out to you. I haven’t gone through that type of situation myself, but I understand (from a different situation) how important it is for someone to be there through the good days and the bad. Knowing that both will come on the road to recovery.
I will be keeping you in my prayers. Remember when you have a hard day that someone will be holding you in prayer that day. I wish I could somehow give you a hug, but just know that I’m sending you one wherever you may be.
(Psalm 46:1 has always helped me during difficult times.)
Goodness, it sounds so simplistic and obvious but in my tough moments I LOVE to know that my loved ones are praying! A text to tell me they are lifting me or my situation up to the Lord is just the best news in those moments.
I find it NOT very helpful for someone to try and “fix it” or offer specific instructions regarding what they think I should do. I would much rather have prayer and general encouragement.
It really helps me when someone gives me a different perspective from what I am focusing on and prays with me. It helps me redirect my thoughts and feelings.
It really doesn’t help me when someone is condescending – especially if they haven’t been through something similar.
It really helps when someone just listens without offering advice and allows me to be in the present moment.
It really doesn’t help when someone becomes judgmental or tells me I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling.
I am right there with you, Jeannie.
It really helps me when someone genuinely listens to me. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s during trials, or when I’ve fallen into a pattern that is destructive. I just feel loved and encouraged when whomever I am confiding in really listens. I tend to be the type to feel encouraged by reminders of God’s faithfulness in past situations, also. To recall His goodness and endurance seems to put me in a frame of mind that clears out the mental chaos that can crowd out my prayer time, if I allow it.
It really doesn’t help me at all when someone just brushes things off and suggests “fluffy” encouragement and activities in the place of real spiritual work. (that’s the best word I could think of!) I tend to be a thinker and a talker, so superficial activities aren’t going to make me “feel” better and I am more put off by those things than encouraged when I am in a season of trials, in a pattern of sin, distracted, etc..
Kristi
It really helps when…someone listens fully before offering advice AND THEN offers it with compassion, all the time in the world, hope, & a big hug.
It really doesn’t help when… someone is inhibited by fear of what you (or others) may think of them. (ie. pray for you right then and there, give a gentle warning, follow up with you after, etc.)
It really helps when some genuinely listens – with concern, tears, hugs, smiles, prayers…hope.
It does not help to hear how they (or others) have suffered, too. Everyone has their ups and downs, but that is not a help to hear that when I am at rock bottom looking up.
It really helps me when someone prays with me and for me. It helps me when they share Scripture. When my son was born with Down’s, my best friend gave me a typed paper with every Script that had something to do with how God forms us and has a plan for us. I treasured it.
It does not help me when…??? I can think of things unhelpful, but most of those were done by people who meant well, but just didnt know me well or possible have a different worldview. If someone is showing concern, I try to think the best.
Love your perspective!
Dear Kelly,
Thought what you said was really kind. Yes, sometimes people are trying to help as best as they can. “Think the best” of their efforts.
Helpful…time, cards, prayer, calls, texts, notes, that let me know I am being thought of and prayed for, and that offer encouragement and point me God and His Word.
Not helpful…point out that someone else has it “way worse” than I do. Or by saying that God never gives you anything you can’t handle. That is simply not true, He does. He does give us more than we can handle, so that we learn to depend totally and completely on Him to survive in the situation.
wow. that’s a great point-God does give us more than we can handle. I will definitely remember this one.
Yep. I second Tami on all that she said.
It helps me when someone genuinely cares and listens and I know they will pray for me. Just being there and encouraging me.
It doesn’t help to hear “spiritual cliches” or judgemental statements.
I have learned that it is only God that can really heal the pain and that I have to go through the pain with Him in order to actually heal. Trying to side step the pain doesn’t heal it.
It really helps me when someone- listens and then tells me how they got victory if they have been in the situation.
Unhelpful- sparing my feelings if I am doing something unhealthy.
It really helps me when someone…
…shows me they are thinking of me (a card in the mail or a note on my windshield when they see my car parked downtown).
…calls and offers me a cup of coffee or hot chocolate and a chance to talk if I need to. No pressure, just available if needed.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
…ignores me completely until I return to my normal activities or start acting the way they think I should.
This is a great one!!!! With all I have been through over the years I can tell you what works for me and what does not!!!
It really helps me when someone just knocks on the door and hands me “No Peek Chicken” for the eve meal no coming in for coffee just good ole practical help. It also helped alot when my sister had me thrown in jail and my Bible study sisters in Christ laid hands on me and prayed. I really felt God’s love to the max. It helped me to be able to forgive her as well.
It really does not help when someone is not genuine in their offers of comfort and they just tell me to pray more and my problems will be over or other worn out cliche’s. Most of us can smell a phoney a mile away. Some people are being genuine but do not know what to say and,well, that is different, they are trying. Believe me there is a difference.
Bless all those dear ones who really walk with us in our battles and help us carry our load when we can no longer do it ourselves. Especially our Lord Jesus Christ.
Dear Seista Mama and siters!!!
When I reread Beth’s blog question about what really helps and it not just something that helps for the moment or helps our fleshly desires I almost laughed!! That is exactly what some of my answer is!!! I guess, though, I was referring to when my Mom died and I knew I had to help with funeral arrangements and who knew how much company would be coming and you know, up north here, the first question outta anyone’s mouth is “what’s to eat!” When my sweet neighbor brought food, no questions asked, I was so thrilled it was a great practical thing that helped me so much. Some times the good practical things done without alot of fanfare, some one just steps up and does a great practical thing no matter what it is, that can mean more than all the golden words someone else might just say.
It really helps when someone is a good listener. Being able to talk to someone who is there just to listen. It always helps when someone reminds me of specific scripture that speaks to my situation.
It really doesn’t help when someone tells me what to do or when they try to fix the problem.
It helps when someone listens.
It does not help when someone interupts before you even finish a sentence.
It really helps me when I am prayed over. I know its the standard answer, but its true. It also really helps when my friend who’s helping me out of the pit right now (1) contacts me when she knows those times when the pit looms and reminds me that I’m a daughter of the Most High God; (2) texts me scripture she runs across that she thinks I might need; (3) loves me despite my fall into the pit; (4) celebrates the victories with me.
HELPS: A close friend listening to me, being empathetic, hugging me and telling me she will be praying for me! Following up asking how things are going.
DOESN’T HELP: Telling me about other people or problems that are worse that I could be dealing with!
I echo what the other ladies have said…listen. Please just actively listen to the heart of the one who is broken. All the Christian “phrases” and “pat answers” do not help but to say, I don’t really care.
Words that help me are “I am sorry you feel______” or “I don’t know what to say. I wish I could say something to make this go away, but I cannot…I love you right where you are.”
When you don’t know what to say, saying nothing speaks louder than you realize that you don’t care and you are not concerned. At least be willing to weep with me when I weep..not try to fix me or tell me that I souldn’t feel the way I do….because, I do feel like this…even if I don’t want to.. Let me be real. Let me be honest.
RIGHT ON!
It really helps me when someone listens, then reminds me of the loving care of the Father for me, and prays the same in a private way. A note of encouragement with scripture that has been prayed over is wonderful.
It really doesn’t help when I’m given quick advice and/or taken to the side of a crowded room so the person can pray over me. I feel like a spectacle, and prayer project.
Thanks for asking, Beth!
It really helps me when a close friend simply takes time to listen so that I can work it out with God. Just listen and bounce it back to me so that I can work out the solution. I’m not looking for a quick fix. And prayer…that’s the best way to show you care.
It really is not helpful when someone quotes Romans 8:28 to me. Not in the middle of the crisis. I know in my gut that God’s Word is true. It just seems a glib and uncaring remark to make.
It really helps when someone…..Asks me for permission to help me. If I give permission, I am more willing to be attentive and receptive to what they are saying because I believe they are really trying to be helpful….especially if this is a genuine Christ-Following Sister.
It doesn’t help me when someone…..ignores me or passes judgement on me or others. Gossip never helps to heal~it just shows who will gossip about you!
It really helps me when someone puts their kindness into action and offers tangible help like a prepared dinner or babysitting time so I have undisturbed time to myself/husband. It’s also wonderfully helpful when someone provides me with relevant scripture to meditate on.
It really doesn’t help me when someone pumps me for more information than is necessary when it’s obvious they are just curious about the “gory details” of whatever I’m going through.
Helpful-when someone really listens and offers advice.
Unhelpful-when no one else can relate to what I’m going through.
It really helps me when someone….
…..is just present with me in whatever I’m going through. That they listen w/out judgment and advice and that they pray for/with me about my circumstance.
It really doesn’t help me when someone….
…..while “listening” to me talk about my circumstance, can hardly wait to jump in and talk all about their own situation and what happened, etc. Or when their message may be right on target but it gets lost in their delivery…which is less than kind or helpful. It’s hard to be scolded when one’s in the midst of turmoil.
When someone’s heart is so full of the love of Jesus they are not afraid to take the time to share your suffering. For instance the time when someone so lovingly held my face in their hands and looked into my eyes and for a moment shared my suffering when my heart felt like it had been torn to shreds…that meant the world to me.
It is not helpful when someone says there is always someone who has suffered more than you or “it” could have been worse. I always want to say yes I agree on that point but quite frankly I can’t imagine feeling worse than I do..
Love ya’ Siesta Mama!
I’ve been on the receiving end of “Well, other people’s grief is worse than yours” comments and all I can say is OUCH. I so agree with you that people who try to minimize your pain are NOT helpful.
It seems that listening is at the top of the list of “what really helps me.” That, and taking time to just be there. I don’t really have a “what really helps me” idea beyond that…but I must say it has motivated me to put that listening into practice with more people. I find (as a non-talker) that often just sitting with someone, holding their hand, a pat on the arm as you pass in the hall way, a smile to a sad face, a “I’m praying for you (and really meaning it) all are ways to truly encourage a friend. I hope reading these comments motivates more and more of us “siestas” to reach out to our friends in need with what really helps. Scripture memorization is terrific, but unless that scripture then becomes an action in our lives, it is useless. Thank you Beth, for the thought provoking discussion.
HELPFUL: ‘I love you.’ ‘I’m praying for you.’ ‘Can I make you a cup of coffee and let’s just visit?’ Honesty when I need it, but mixed with a lot of love.
NOT HELPFUL: “Here’s what you need to do.” or “If it were me, I would……”. or “I know just how you feel.”
Leah, I agree completely! I just told someone I really love (through tears, of course) that I didn’t need to hear the “Here’s what you need to do.” or “I know just how you feel.” I just needed someone to listen and actually let me speak. I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Wow! U put the helpful stuff in so much better words than I did. I totally agree!
I will be honest — you guys might put me down — but I have been living the “gay lifestyle” for 3 years. I KNOW the word. I KNOW its wrong. The ONLY time I ever felt like I was strong enough to beat it, was when I had an accountability partner. I moved and lost that connection, and I’m right back to where I was.
Maybe I’m wrong for being so open … but in my opinion, accountability helps. Accountability and personal strength/faith in God.
Thank you for listening.
Stephanie-
I am praying (RIGHT NOW) that you will find loving, compassionate, Christ-centered, truthful accountability right where you are. It would be so easy to make suggestions about what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do. But I don’t have your answers. I’m just sorry for what you’re dealing with. I’m so sorry. And you, sister, are so deeply loved that it’s just plain unbelievable.
Keep the faith. It is worth it. Jesus is worth it.
Thank-you CC for your kind words.
prayer, pursuit, pointing to the truth, personal testimony and chocolate:)!
Presence.
It really helps when someone listens, and helps me talk it through. It really doesn’t help when they give me pat answers, but it does help when they respond out of their own experiences to share what helped them work through a similar problem. Hugs are very important too!
During the roughest times of my life
It is helpful when someone listens. (I know this has been written on here many times, but it is so true)
It is not helpful when someone says, “Oh you’re gonna be fine.” Or pushing my pain aside at the moment propelling me to a place in the future where they see me all rosy and great. It’s as if people do not like to see pain right in front of their face and in their own fear say just something to immediately fix the situation.
I hope I explained that right.
It really helps me out when someone helps me pinpoint WHY I’m struggling with something- the root or heart of the matter- and when they listen to me to really make me feel like they HEAR me and that it’s okay that I DO struggle.
I can’t think of what’s not helpful! It so depends on the person- one person could do certain things and because of our relationship it’d be great, but another person couldn’t do the same thing, if that makes sense.
What helps: When someone can hear my pain or understand what/why I might be feeling something-because they have or they try to put themselves in my situation. And then they offer some possible specific steps for moving forward – like reminding me that God is in control & that He wants me to lean on Him, to memorize my scripture, put the Bible on my head if need be, pray the Word of God over my situation-with a verse they used when they felt something similar, etc. And ending the whole conversation time in prayer.
What doesn’t help: Silence or “I don’t know” in answer to my questions or an attitude of just how weird I am for thinking/feeling those things.
Interesting to see the patterns – some of us want feedback – some just want to be heard &/or prayed for.
What I should have also said is that what helps the most is when someone helps me remember just how much Jesus Loves Me!!!!!
Helpful…just listen to me without judgment or telling me about a story that you are reminded of. Cry with me, hold me, pray with me…love me like Jesus.
Unhelpful…I wonder what God is trying to teach you that you really need to learn.
Wow, notice how so many people have said “listening and praying” helps. It reminds me of the book James. It starts in chapter 1 reminding us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger” (v.19) and ends in chapter 5 reminding us to pray (v.13-20). So thankful for a God who guides us and speaks to us on how to do life and encourage one another!
Helpful: noticing and being sensitive to the situation. Not having to know the situation in order to help. PATIENCE! PRAYER! GRACE!
Not helpful: impatience. Bringing up what would help. Bringing up the past. Bringing up that ‘you are not quite there.’
Thanks for this excercise…it brought up qualities I want to be and reminded me of how GOD has shown HIS GRACE thru those around me when I had my nervous breakdown. PRAISE HIS NAME!
It really helps when someone prays with or for me. And if someone has a word of encouragement or even correction, if it is said gently, with love and backed up by scripture.
It really doesn’t help when someone tells me what they think my problem is or tries to rationalize the situation (ie, oh well it could be worse if.., and really compared to last year…).
Helpful: Listening followed by solutions based conversation, life is too short and such a sweet gift to spend feeling sorry for yourself.
Not Helpful: Endlessly bringing up how bad it is then telling me everything will be ok – spectator sympathy freaks me out.
Speaking from personal experience, it is not helpful when someone says, ‘I’m praying for you’ and then never calls or takes an interest again – that phrase is not a ‘Get out of human relationship free’ card.
It really helps me when someone is aware of a unique concern in my life and privately shares their common experience with me.
It really doesn’t help me when someone publicly outs my situation on their time and not mine.
I have a trial that has lasted about 25 years so far, and most of the time I just don’t talk about it. But on the occasion when the sadness overwhelms and I need to share, it just helps to have someone give me a hug and say, “I’m sorry, I know that what you’re going through is hard.”
It does not help when people immediately go into their stuff, or talk about how things are going so well for them, or if they are dismissive.
Help us, Father, to be a blessing to others.
Helps—pray for me — right then and there — take my hands and pray!!! I’ve started doing this with others going through tough times—don’t put off prayer—grab those sweet hands and take authority in Jesus Name and pray!!!
DOES NOT HELP— please don’t quote scripture to me! (unless you’re referring to it in our prayer)
It really helps me when someone with encourage me by giving me scriptures God’s promises. And, when someone will lift me up in prayer and really does intent to do that.
It doesn’t help me someone tells me what I did wrong or what I should of done. It is usually more hurtful than helpful.
Wow! What timing!!
It really helps me when my good buddies just call to go walk and talk or NOT talk about it.
It is really hurtful when folks just want to know the details and tell how mad they would be…
During a period of my life that I was very sinful this friend did not shun me but gave me scriptures and straight forward talks about what is good. She has never made me feel unworthy. I will forever respect that. She did not sugarcoat what I was doing but loved me enough to set things straight.
Being in the midst of brokenness right now, this is a very timely question!
It helps me when someone takes the time to simply listen. It helps me when someone takes the time to pray specifically, not just a general blanket prayer. It helps me when when someone gives me a hug and grieves with me. And it helps me when someone can offer practical help (even if I don’t need it, sometimes just having the offer is wonderful!) And I want to clarify these do not all need to come from the same person!
It does not help me when I pour out my heart and someone just says “Well, we’re praying.” That really feels like a brush off. It does not help me when someone asks how I am doing, but doesn’t really listen.
The other thing I find difficult is when someone tries to share well-meaning platitudes with me. I really struggle with that because I know they mean well, but sometimes the last thing a girl wants to hear is “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” Sometimes I just want to scream “YES HE DOES!!” (Thank goodness I do know He gets me through these seasons, or I might really scream – haha!)
Knowing without any doubt that what I share with them will be kept confidential and that they aren’t judging me. Sadly, I have been burnt too often on what I shared not being kept in confidence even when I specifically asked that it be.
When I know that they are genuinely and passionately praying for me – that is such a help. I’m not always looking for a human solution, but I am always looking for a Divine solution. As someone else already said, when I am prayed over that is healing to my soul every time.
UNHELPFUL – a judgmental attitude.