Hey Siestas! Happy Monday! I saw such ministry in action in your comments to the last post. Thank you so much for your compassionate hearts and authentic walks with Christ. You are a true privilege to serve.
I’ve been meditating on something for the last few days that I thought you might get all wound up in, too. We all know – I pray – that God is the only true Redeemer and wonder worker and that He alone is our Savior but, according to Scripture, He very much wills for His people to minister to one another through the power of His Spirit. Here’s the question I’m pitching on the table today:
When you’re trying to get back on your feet, whether you’ve fallen into sin, discouragement, distraction, pain, betrayal, or anything else that can tumble you to the ground, what do you find really helpful from fellow human beings and what do you find UNhelpful?
Really reflect on the questions before you answer them because I want you to think in terms of what is authentically HELPFUL. Not what your flesh or my flesh craves when we’re down. Not what simply soothes us for the moment but does us no real help in the long run. What really does help? And what doesn’t?? Also make sure that your answers are reasonable. In other words, our mentors may not be able to move us in with them for six weeks and cook for us while the two of us hash all of this through. Grin. No one can make us his or her whole life. Only Jesus is meant to be our lives. (Col. 3:4) Think within the bounds of what people are reasonable capable of doing. Within those lines, all is fair game.
Here are the ground rules: Be genuine. Be kind. Please do not try to get back at someone on here who has disappointed you. Let’s have pure motives here today. You know that I say that in love. It’s just human nature. Lastly, please answer succinctly. Just a few sentences for each question so we can read them all. If you want to participate, start each of the two answers like this:
It really helps me when someone…
It really doesn’t help me when someone…
We’re not looking for right or wrong answers. We’re just reflecting today on what reasonable things we can do for one another to actually help and considering what things simply do not. We are liable to discover that what helps one Siesta doesn’t at all help another. I think this is going to get very interesting.
You are the most wonderful blog community on earth. I am NUTS about you. Go for it, Girls! WHAT HELPS???
It really helps when someone… listens and offers Godly advice or says they will be praying for me.
It doesn’t help when someone… suggests it just MIGHT be demonic possession.
Helps: Prayer! Should always be the first resort, not the last. The phrase, “All we can do is pray” is often said in a negative aspect. Remind me of how powerful prayer is. Give me some real life examples of God in action!
Does not help: Everyone always seems to want to tell “their” story. When my daughter was sick with a tumor (not malignant, praise God) someone close to me kept telling me cancer stories before we knew whether the tumor was malignant or not. NOT helpful!
It helps when someone speaks the truth.
It doesn’t help to say what you think the person wants to hear
It’s really helpful when someone shows they care by truly listening to me. Also helpful if, after I share something with someone, they check in or follow up in a day or two to see how I am, either in person or maybe a note. I guess it’s helpful to confront me if I am really playing the “woe is me” card….but do it gently. 😀
It’s really not helpful for someone to belittle what I am going through by telling me that everyone has problems, or by turning the conversation around to their needs/issues. Not helpful to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing (unless I ask you what I should or shouldn’t be doing.) Also not helpful to judge me or my situation.
Very interesting answers! Thanks for the opporunity. <<>>
My comments stem from having cancer. It really helped me when someone came unexpectedly and brought food for my family and spoke words of encouragement over me and prayed for me. It really helped knowing that someone was praying for me every day and that they cared. What did not help was the comments about “so and so had that type cancer and they suffered so much, tried so many treatments and still died” What helped was the person who had treatments telling me what to expect and to hold on tight to God. By the way, I did hold on and I am fine today. “Great is Thy Faithfulness, all I have needed thy hand hath provided, Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord, unto me!”
It really helps me when someone lends me an ear to listen or a their shoulder to cry on. I have a dear sister-in-Christ who always has the perfect scripture to encourage me. And another that says she is praying for me. I also find that just going back to the basics of reading and meditating on the Word can be the most simple, yet most profound thing I can do.
It really doesn’t help me when someone says, “hang in there”. I have heard that so many times over the course of this past year. I know they are not in my shoes to understand what I am going through, but that’s really the last thing that I want to hear. It’s too generic for me.
My 23 year old son-in-law was shot and killed on July 4th this year, leaving behind a broken hearted 22 year old pregnant wife. Here is what I discovered:
It really helped me when people just sat with me and listened to me talk, or sometimes, just watched me cry. And it meant so much to have people just “show up” or say they were sorry. It also really helped when they wanted to know HOW I was, not just “what was I learning?”
It really did not help to have people quoting scripture to me about God’s plans…and how everything was going to be ok. In the passage of time, I do know that His plans are perfect…and that I don’t always KNOW what they are, but in my pain, I did not want to hear someone TELL me that. I needed to KNOW that for myself. It does not help to have people ignore the situation, (and me!) and say nothing…as though it will only make it worse to talk about it. NOTHING can make it worse, than pretending that it didn’t happen.
Melana
Melana, I am so, so sorry. I don’t even have words to comfort, but know that we love you very much.
Melana,
You said everything I wanted to say with perfect words.
Jill
Melana, I wish you lived closer to me. I’m so sorry about the death of your son and the family that is hurting so much. I’ve prayed for you. Please take this as a long distance hug from one siesta to another.
Melana – I am so, so very sorry for this overwhelming loss. I don’t even have words, just tears. Praying for you, your daughter and your grandchild
So sorry to read of your loss. I will pray for your family.
Oh Melana! My heart just aches for you. Will you be in Casper this weekend? I want to hug you in Jesus’ name.
I will be volunteering at the Samaritan’s Purse table at the LPL event this weekend. I want to hug your neck!
(We met at Jeffries in Laramie the last time Mama Beth was in Wyoming…’08?)
Bless you sweet sister. Your siestas are praying for you.
<3
Yes, both my daughter and I will be in Casper. Thank-you all for your tender and caring words. The Siestas have sustained me in so many tangible ways during this difficult year. I have come to lean on them for the prayers and comfort that I have desperately needed. God and His people are good!
What is helpful for me: Listening with empathy is always a huge first step. Also, if the Lord prompts my friend with a Scripture verse, that is a great way to bring truth and light into my situation. And their prayers – I can actually feel a difference in my situation when dear friends are lifting me up in prayer.
What is not helpful – discounting my feelings, turning the conversation back to them, offering me something to eat.
It’s interesting to me that some of the answers so far are exact opposites. The things that are helpful to some are not helpful to others. i guess we all have our own love languages, and love is the key, isn’t it? Lately I have been realizing that the most helpful thing I can do for my friends is to be abiding in the Lord and remaining in His word. Then He, the Great Counselor, is able to guide my heart on what that particular friend needs at that particular time (not a formula). I must allow the Lord to love my friends through me. It is when I am quenching the Spirit in my own life that I lose my sensitivity and my efforts to help are not especially helpful.
it is helpful when someone sincerely prays – but also when someone meets an actual need- like with a meal or something like that.
i can’t think of an unhelpful. to be honest, i don’t like this aspect of the question. i think we should be grateful when other people try to help – even if it doesn’t meet our specific need. after all, we are here to be servants of others.
It really helps if someone can just grasp me by the shoulders, look right into my eyes and emphatically speak truth. That may be,”God is with you, Girl!!” or “This is NOT helping you”…in other words, “tough” love directly given is just as meaningful as some cheerleading
It is UNhelpful if someone is passive, silent or dismissive
(LOL–these preferences must say a lot about our personality inclinations 🙂 )
Thanks, Miss Beth, and PRAYING for all there at LPM Command Center 🙂
Just letting you know you don’t have to publish this, but Ihope this information helps.
This is so good because I was just talking to my sister about this yesterday. We share someone in our lives that has had people love on them, talk to them, take a hard line with them, etc. and there has been no change with a particular issue in their life that is affecting other individuals. I was sharing with my sister that the word of God is true and only God alone can change the heart of man, and all that is left is praying for this person, because literally everything else has not worked. In saying all of that I sincerely mean when I say it. Prayer, and prayer alone can work.
I was dealing with an issue in my own life that was bringing me down and after coming out of it I realize that there were so many people praying for me that I didn’t even know were praying for me, and I know that I know God did a work in my heart. I don’t discount the effect of a positive environment, love from godly friends and family or kinds words, but coming from someone who had a hard heart, sometimes those things do not penetrate as some would wish. That’s is why I am a big proponant of prayer. Also when change does occur no one but God alone with get the glory.
I have a friend that slipped back into a past behavior. She was taking her daughter with her to inappropriate places. I called her on the phone and confronted her about it. I asked her to remember what it felt like as a child in those situations and to stop for her daughters sake. She continued the behavior but did bring her daughter to my house when she was going “out” so that her daughter was in a safe place. She is no longer in that behavior anymore. She said that it was the prayer of others that helped her and that when I or someone else called her confronting the behavior she did not care because she was going to do what she wanted at that time. She was hard-hearted to what was being said. She said that she could feel that prayers of people covering her when she was in the darkness and it helped bring her out.
Sorry that this is so long but I think that this is an excellent question. What works, what doesn’t, I have made many mistakes and have needed that help of others, what has worked for others in my life and what has worked for me is prayer.
It really helps me when a person confronts me in love. Not in anger, but from a place of “I care enough about you to let you know that…”
It really doesn’t help me when a person holds something against me WITHOUT TELLING ME THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG. If I am unaware that my actions or behavior have negatively affected someone, how in the world am I supposed to fix that about myself OR apologize to them?
The words others spoke that helped me through my miscarriage the most were, “I want to bring you dinner,” “I’m praying for you and your husband and your family,” “Can I pick up your groceries for you?”, “I would love to call my hair stylist and set up an appointment for you to get your haircut.”
The words others spoke that were most detrimental to me during my miscarriage and the months following were: “You’ll be a great mom someday.” Why? Because the moment I conceived our precious baby boy Nathan, I became his mom. I was his mom for the 16-weeks he grew inside my womb. I was his mom the day I was induced and delivered his tiny body into the hands of the doctor. I am still his mama right now, 5 years, 4 months, and 29 days later. Nothing takes away the fact that I am the mama of 3 beautiful children. I may only be raising 2 of them here, but my firstborn — my oldest son, the one I prayed for when I was 13 years old and vowed to give to the Lord for His service — he is in Heaven, serving the Almighty right now and forever. Exactly where he is supposed to be.
Prayer before you do or say anything. Do not judge the person. Be an encourager. Be a listener not an advice giver. I think we are all quick to advise and sometimes make situations worse. In cases of divorce, adultery, mental illness of a family member, depression, these need advice from trained professionals. I know personally it always helps to know someone is there to support me.But don’t go away because someone is facing bad stuff. We as Christians are supposed to encourage, and pray for each other.
What helps me is when someone listens, prays (at that moment or offers to pray for me) and then checks in with me/follows up to see how I am doing in the next few days.
What doesn’t help: when someone does not seem to really listen- for example, you can see their eyes roaming the room as you are sharing. It’s also unhelpful when people launch into what they are going through/share their own problems immediately after you finish.
OK, so Christina, we must be kindred spirits. Your response came right after mine and it would seem we think alot alike! Maybe I should say “Kindred Siestas”. Hugs.
It really helps me when someone stops and lovingly prays with me without needing any details. During a recent crisis my long distance friend stopped loading her grocery’s into her car and prayed for me over the phone when I couldn’t find any words. We both felt the Holy Spirit intercede and provide complete peace.
It really doesn’t help me when someone wants all of the details and gossip instead of just praying over the general situation and trusting God with the details.
It really helps me when someone…doesn’t condemn me, encourages me and reminds me that I am a child of God even though I have made a complete mess out of things.
It doesn’t really help me when someone…continues to bring up what I did, tells me that I will never change because of my past, even when I try and explain that God has used this to show me that I need Him so I can live in victory.
Helpful — a sincerely listening ear, LOTS of hugs, prayers right then for me and the situation, more prayers later, being “checked on” and thought about via text, email or phone, a card that I can read over and over.
Unhelpful — having my decisions questioned (once I’ve finally made them since it takes so much effort!), judgmental opinions about what should be done, comments like “you don’t deserve to have this be happening to you.”
It does not help when someone says they know what I am going through (when they could not possibly), it does help when they listen and are not judgemental.
It really helps me when someone sends an email, text, or card…with encouraging words. Prayer and Scripture verses also help. Just listening…but I tend to not open up freely because I’ve been burned by that.
It really doesn’t help when someone gives me worldly advice or justifies my feelings…especially if I am in the wrong or tells others what I shared and judges me.
Helpful:
1. Sincere thoughtfulness and kindness goes a long way to give you encouragement through it all. How precious is the gift of time-someone spent time and effort into thinking about you and a way to minister to you.
2. Perseverance-hurts and trials endure for more than a day. Are you willing and able to continue to stand with me for longer than a day? Will you listen to the same story for the 3rd time because I need to say it again?
Not helpful:
1. Any version of “hang in there.” REALLY?
2. There are people that endure for years with no end in sight. Do not discount the toll this takes on their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. And just because it has been years DO NOT make the mistake of thinking their perception of the situation is not real.
I am a high “thinker” meaning it takes me longer to recognize what I am feeling. It is helpful to me when someone can ask the right questions that help me sort thoughts from feelings.
I am a “word” person – written encouragement – either words of personal kindness or Scripture go a long way with me.
I do not find it helpful when people rush to give advice that is not sought or when they belittle my situation because it is different from theirs. That makes me feel like more of a failure.
Thanks Beth – love you!
It really helps me when someone…allows me to just cry to express my pain and just let me get whatever needs to be gotten out in the open without judgemental criticism or throwing me to the lions.
It really continues to be a help when someone…tells me everything will be ok in the end.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…tells me I shouldn’t feel the way I’m feeling and I need to just get over it and its not as bad as what someone else is going through.
What helps when I have fallen is: For a friend to call and ask me to go somewhere, and not talk about things until I’m ready. But help me stay engaged with life. When I’m down its easy for me to pull into a hole and stay there.
What doesn’t help: Calling and asking questions, wanting to talk when I’m not ready and/or, Giving advise that is not asked for.
I believe God has placed the right answer in all of us, and we can find the right answer when someone gives the gift of just listening.
It really helps me when someone genuinely listens, and is not afraid to cry with me. Someone who loves me enough to be straight with me yet loving. Someone who will take time to stop in the moment and pray..and remind me of God’s priceless promises…and check back with me.
It doesn’t help me when someone is quick to brush me off with a “well I’ll pray for you” and walks away. When someone flat out says “well this is God’s will for you..things happen for a reason”, said with no love but piousness (is that a word?) When someone says theyll be there for you but they are just too busy. It doesn’t help when someone says “oh, I understand” and they have no clue.
I have adopted a dying child and what helps me with this in particular is when someone can take it! I mean when a friend can handle my grief/fear/worry/anxiety/sadness and is able to let it be about me and can listen to me without it being too much for them to handle thereby becoming about them and I end up comforting them! Now that’s a good friend because THAT’S HARD!
You are a good women. I can only imagine what you must be going through. I have prayed for God to send a friend who can listen.
Thank you Kristina. I have been praying God would give me wisdom in being a friend to my sweet friend Jennifer. She has adopted 3 brothers and 2 are terminal.
Your heart felt comments mean alot.
It really helps me when someone: just does a nice act of kindness or encouragement. Instead of asking “Is there anything I can do?” they just do what GOD lays on their hearts to do to help someone. If we pray and ask GOD for an idea, HE will give us one.
It really doesn’t help me when someone: Says “If you would just do this or that then everything will be fine” as if my hurting could not be serious and then they turn it around to be all about them.
It really helps me when someone…Genuinely listens to me and then prays with me over the situation/reads scripture together and offers their experience/wisdom from their own situation that was similar to mine.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…Judges me because they never went through what I went through and cannot relate and therefore cannot offer any Godly wisdom/direction.
It really helps when someone…listens well and prays with me about the issue.
It really doesn’t help me when someone…immediately spits back the solution. That can immediately create a one-up, one-down friendship and, for me (personally), that feels very unsafe.
Helps when … someone allows me to pour out my heartache and pain and still sees good in me regardless of what I might say or do in the intense emotion of my spilling my heart to him/her.
Does not help when … someone reminds me of a worse boat I could be sailing in and minimizes my distress.
It really helps me when my friends are praying for me. Being able to send out a text requesting prayer and knowing that I am immediately taken before God gives me an immediate sense of peace. It helps me when people encourage me through an email, text, card, or spoken word.
Constructive criticism helps me when I know it’s spoken in genuine love with no air of condemnation. Most of all, scripture is so powerful in refocusing me!
It does not help me when someone points out my weaknesses or past ways of handling things when I’m opening up to them. Silence or distance gets me down, too.
I remember a very dark day for me. I have a Sam/Frodo friendship with one of my besties. She had been walking me up the mountain for many months. And on one particular day, I could not raise my foot(figuratively). I was plummeting into despair. I had been severely betrayed by a friend and the grief was taking over. I could not catch my breath. That dark morning when it seemed the sun did not shine, I called my Sam. I declared that she needed to remind me that God was good, that He knew what was going on and that I needed someone to lift my head. She changed plans and came for the Lord. She prayed over me and declared victory with the blood of Jesus. It was one of the most memorable days of my life. Knowing God is good even when difficulties come to our life is the most important thing for me.
Helpful….praying with me at the moment I share a need. Encouraging me with notes, texts or phone calls…remembering to ask after time has passed.
Not helpful….asking details which are not necessary. Casually saying they’ll pray for me but not sincere.
Loved your story on twitter today…God is so good!
It really helps me when people listen. Sometimes, you don’t need someone trying to tell you all of the things they would do if they were in your situation. Sometimes, you just need someone present who will look you in the eye and just listen to you. It also helps me when they check up on me – that means the world to me.
The right words at the right time can be huge as well – directing my focus on how God has come through for me in the past and that He will continue to come through for me just like He always has.
It doesn’t help me when someone says they will pray for me, but then when they see me next they never remember to ask how my situation is. It makes me feel like they didn’t really spend much time praying for me afterall. And it DEFINITELY never helps when someone says to “get over it!”
It really helps me when someone says a word of encouragement. I really need that sometimes.
It really doesn’t help me when someone dwells on and tells me their problems daily. I don’t mind listening but constant complaining brings me down too.
Helpful: When they care enough to pray for you, ask you how you’re doing, how they can help.
Non-helpful: Avoidance.
Things that help: listen; pray WITH me; be faithful to check in and encourage(card, email, phone call…) Share similar experience and God’s faithfulness to them during that time. A closed mouth to others but an open mouth to God on my behalf.PRAYER!!!
Things that do not help: Hovering. Constant reminders of the thing that made me fall.
What helps me is when people are with me for the long run. I’m still deeply grieving a loss 7 months later and I can count one or two people who still get that. It’s easy to be there the first few weeks for someone, it takes effort to walk the rest of the way. That means the world to me.
What is unhelpful is when I hear the “just think happy thoughts and you will be ok” answer. If only it was that easy…
It really helps me when the person I’m confessing to prays for me out loud right then and there. Also, listens and then, gently, gives a straight forward and honest comment about it.
It really doesn’t help me when a person shares his/her story that may or may not pertain to my situation. Or, tries to be nice and excuse me from a certain behavior/action/sin. If I’ve gone out on a limb to confess something, I want brutal honesty. Gentle. But, honest … based in TRUTH, of course.
It really helps heaps when my sister in Christ prays over me. NOTHING compares to the surpassing power of the Spirit in her crying out for the wounded/waning Spirit in me.
I have a dear sister in Christ, we both work full time, and we will type prayers to and from each other throughout the day, covering each other in His word!
It’s really helpful when someone sends me an encouraging text message that lets me know they’re thinking of me. And when people say that they know I know the Biblical way to approach this, and they know I’ll get there, but that’s it’s understandable that I haven’t quite made it there yet and they don’t think I’m faithless.
It’s really not helpful when people toss Romans 8:28 around without acknowledging that while God will indeed work all things for good, right now it’s not feeling very good. God worked the crucifixion for good, but it was still painful for Jesus and those who loved him.
What does not help at all, no matter how much I try to make it help, is complaining to someone about it, no matter how neutral or compassionate they are. What does help, everytime, is complaining to God about it. He has a way of turning those useless and defeating words into so much vapor, sometimes in the form of pitiful tears, and then redirects that pity into tears of thankfulness…. for who He is….and I end up saying, “You are my portion, and You are enough.” The result has been His peace, and victory for that day.
I was kind of thinking in terms of what helps from a teacher. What helps me in that instance is specific steps to take to do whatever. I need things like spelled out! I have also really, really appreciated a card, note, email, something, to say something nice or express sympathy during a difficult time.
Something that has always bothered me and not helped one bit is the “let go and let God” saying – because if I could figure out how in the world to do that then I probably wouldn’t need help with some things. So I guess broad generalizations and cliche sayings are not helpful to me.
It is really helpful when someone reaches out to me whether it be a hug or a phone call or even a text. Just to know someone is thinking of me in the midst of their day means a lot.
It is not helpful when word spreads and all of a sudden I have concerned ‘friends’ I haven’t heard from in forever who don’t seem interested in me until I am ‘news.’ Having said that, I know how busy we all are and I too have been calling someone I should have been more connected with prior to her need so I always try to start the conversation by admitting I haven’t been the friend I wish I was and going from there based on how interested she seems in my effort. I hope that make sense…I am sure anyone here who has been the ‘news’ knows what I am talking about.
It really helps when someone gives me a word from the WORD and practical “been there, done that” advice.
It really doesn’t help when someone talks without listening first.
My friend Stacey hears me, hugs me, prays for me. She lets me complain about the nit-picky stuff and laughs with me but she affirms that God loves me. She brings the Word! Of course we drink coffee and eat chocolate when we can get together face to face. God sent her when I needed a friend.
It really helps me when someone listens, and then prays for me. I also find it helpful when they check in and provide encouraging words. It is very unhelpful when someone is digging for information just to have the information (gossip).
What has helped me most when I have been in problems is when people pray for me (or my family). When I had been in the hospital friends from church bring by food for us(especially when I am unable to cook). I have always believed in small groups who hold you accountable for what you do. I haven’t been a part of a group since I lost my the best group I have been in since 2001.
Things that don’t work…people who tell you things will work out for the best. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THIS!! when you are down in the dumps. What they want to hear is” Can I help you with anything?” even if it’s just a prayer.
What helps? Just small acts of kindness; a prepared meal, a bunch of flowers. Once a dear friend left a package of Mint Milanos in my car because she knew those were my favorites. I’ve thought of those cookies a thousand times.
This is a story that my Pastor shared just yesterday. I think it expresses my thoughts the best …
One day, a little girl went to spend the day with one of her friends. Upon returning home, she told her mother that her little friend had lost her favorite doll. “Oh my,” exclaimed the mother, “did you help your friend find her doll?!” The little girl nodded her head and simply answered, “no, I just helped her cry …”
It was helpful and so precious to me when my friend cried/wept with me after finding out that my child had a serious health issue. I didn’t know that compassion would mean so much.