I called my Mom after work this evening to check and see if she was blogging tonight and when she said she wouldn’t be able to just yet I decided I would throw a little random post your way. Since I’m out of classes, you might find some random or boring (??) discussions on this here blog every now and again. What you’ll find here tonight is meant to be less of an assertion than it is a discussion about some new thoughts I find intriguing.
Last summer I read a book called Ainât Too Proud To Beg: Living Through the Lordâs Prayer by Telford Work (2007). Dr. Work is assistant professor of theology at Westmont College. I donât know him personally but I enjoyed him to no end through his writing. His book is a rare and thrilling infusion of disciplines. I donât want to summarize or review this unique book here, but it is certainly worth a read. Even if you disagree with Work at various points, I promise youâll learn some things along the way. Plus, in your heart of hearts you know you feel compelled to read a book by an author named âTelford Work.â
As I do with all the books I really love, I picked the book up again last night and started flipping through it and glanced over the places where I had highlighted or made notes in the margin. I loved this book so much that even my revisiting of it took me all the way to the epilogue. The epilogue is composed of several of Workâs sermons. One of these sermons in particular caught my attention. Â In this sermon entitled “You Can Say That Again,” Work coins a phrase, âculture of sorrow.â He uses it in reference to our own culture and âthe common sensibility that lifeâs true character is misfortune and that sadness rules over usâ (226). He says:
âIn our culture of sorrow, sadder is cooler. Joy may be desirable, but itâs not fashionable. What is? Ask the fashion industry! Does that look of aloof, disheveled, emaciated, sophistication strike you as happy? Me neither. But itâs cool! Or name a big pop band that has looked happy in its photos since the Beatles in 1964. Cool means hard stares, angry sneers, lust, and brooding . . . angst, ennui, existential despair, cynicism, political decline, environmental catastrophe, and social alienation . . . Master these and youâll be the life of the dinner partyâ (226).
And taking it further, he says again:
âIn our culture of sorrow, sadder is wiser. Misery has become our myth, our metanarrative. Joy is liable to be taken as immaturity or ignorance . . . If you want an Oscar, donât go with a so-called Hollywood ending. Go with a gut-wrenching tragedy like Million Dollar Baby . . . Sadder is deeper. . . What moves a personal relationship from small-talk pleasantries to greater sincerity? Telling the truth, of course. And for us the deepest truth-telling generally involves the disclosure of pain, hardship, and anxiety. Relationships tend to deepen from shallow happiness to more authentic sorrow . . . Sadder is greater . . . Anger, fright, and fantasy bring out voters and volunteers, not joy. Fear and greed drive the economy, not joy. Sorrow acts and we react. It calls the shotsâ (227).
Brief Tangent: If youâre like me, you are becoming increasingly suspicious of the phrase âin our cultureâ because it is used so often to introduce all kinds of authoritative but contradictory statistics. I use this phrase âin our cultureâ out of sheer habit and because it is so delightfully malleable but I always question myself when I use it because I know full well it is typically going to introduce a generalization. Having said that, some generalizations are more legitimate than others. So even if youâre like me, and youâre super skeptical and annoying, you have to hand it to Work because his âculture of sorrowâ idea sure seems to describe a significant aspect of our culture even if you donât agree that it is indicative of our culture across the board.
The other day Colin and I watched “The Road” with Viggo Mortensen. The movie was based on the novel by Cormac McCarthy. Now to be fair, I did not read the novel but the movie, in my opinion, was one horrific and unimaginably depressing scene after another. Just when I thought I was watching the worst the movie had to offer we were abruptly hurled into a whole different strata of horror. And the characters didnât even have names. Not my idea of a blockbuster night. Typically I like an emo and soul probing flick but I couldn’t discern even one strand of hope throughout the film and this led to the hardness of my heart. Â Anyway, the book was evidently deemed one of the most important and brilliant movies of the year. I wish I could say that the accolades surprised me but they did not. Â In my own opinion what was profound, was not the movie itself, but the very fact that so many people had heralded it as profoundâto me that said more about âour cultureâ than anything else.
Iâm not sure why I hadnât thought of this whole âculture of sorrowâ thing⊠as soon as I read the phrase I was mentally slapping my knee thinking to myself, âTelford Work is just so painfully right!!!â You know those people who can articulate a once rather opaque phenomenon dead on– well that is sort of what reading this entire book was like for me. I just kept thinking, âI would have written this myself if I would have known how to explain it.â That is the best kind of book- when it hits so closely to home that you feel you yourself could have written it even if you donât have a fraction of the writing ability that the author has.
When Colin and I were first married, people would say things like, âTell us the truth, what is marriage really like?â I almost felt forced to whine, complain, bare my melancholy soulâor be exposed as superficial, inauthentic, or worse–simpleminded. Â Now, of course, it is one thing to be honest when things really are tough and difficult, but even when things were not tough at all, and I was in fact enjoying my life and marriage, I would feel the need to give some token piece of what ârealityâ was really like or some slice of darkness to build credibility with my conversation partner. Good night . . . as though life is not tough enough without feeling pressure to forge expressions of grief. If youâre bothered by folk who tell you theyâre âfineâ when theyâre really not, what about people like me who have, on occasion, acted as though things were tough when they really werenât?!?
Egads.
I was laughing a few weeks ago when I was on our trip and someone made the comment, âEveryone on this trip, is just so . . . happy!â I gotta be honest, I was sort-of-kind-of thinking the same thing to myself at first, until I saw my own log in someone elseâs plank. I mean seriously, would she, or I for that matter, rather them all be depressed and lethargic rather than happy and peppy? Iâve also, time and time again, fallen prey to the naive mistake of assuming that the most thoughtful and intelligent people I know, the âthinkersâ if you will, are mostly those people I know who are usually despondent. Work’s discussion of “our culture of sorrow” gave voice to some of my assumptions that I hadnât really given much thought to before.
Now before you slap me silly, this post is not the end of the story.  And it isn’t even the end of Work’s sermon. I cannot sum up this entire discussion here.  This is only Part One. In Part Two of this blog (to come in the next week), I would like to explore the place of both joy and sorrow within a Christian worldview. I’m not trying to throw the baby out with the bath water (By the way, where in the world did that phrase come from? It is just beyond weird). So, for now, even though you havenât likely read the book, what do you think about Workâs initial sermon thoughts? Have you encountered this phenomenon before? Is this perhaps a bigger issue for one generation than another?
Have you found that sadder is often âcoolerâ or âwiserâ or âdeeperâ or âtruerâ?
Talk to me.
P.S. For those of you who have expressed a desire to buy the book–please know that this subject is not a major issue in the book, it is only in the epilogue in a short sermon. Â Also, it is a fairly academic read. Â Having made this full disclosure, I still think you will like the book.
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Melissa, Thank you so much for all of your posts.
I have never thought that sadder meant wiser. I write Thankful posts every week, and have the Joy of Christ in my heart, but I have a very hard time getting it to come out on my face. I have always had this problem, and it bothers me so much. I think as Christians we need to comfort others and help people go through things we have gone through, but we also need to be Joyful. Thank you again for everything you share with us.
Melissa,
Boy have you struck a cord here! Several years ago, a very good friend asked me why I was so emotional–tears came easily as well as laughter. At the time, I hadn’t pondered this reality, but after some thought I came up with this:
I do cry easily-mostly over spiritual things. When I start talking about Christ or what He has done for me and the outcome of my life (future in Heaven with Him) I am overcome with emotion. Those emotions are of humbleness, brokenness, mixed with utter joy of knowing how blessed I am! I do have sorrow over my sins, but elation is the stronger emotion and it turns me to tears.
She didn’t get it. She may never get it. She doesn’t share my heart that loves Jesus more than anything. God didn’t promise a total bed of roses in this life, but He did in the next, if we follow Him.
It’s kinda funny reading the responses to this post. It is obvious that we as Christians see both sides of the issue. May we strive to stay on the “light” side! Yes, life is hard, and issues now are bleak (oil spills, storms, wars, economy), but we do have hope in Jesus! May we look to Him, focus less on this life, and thank Him for a life we will share with Him in the hereafter.
You’ve hit on a subject that has been mulling around abit in my spirit lately, and that is all the negativity and the general meanness in the world and in some of The Body of Christ. There is so much finger pointing within The Church these days, accusing of fellow saints that “they” don’t have their theology “right” and “they” are heretics, etc. While we need to use judgment and discernment, we are also warned against “eating each other”. How can we win the world when we are participating in behavior more like a verbal Jerry Springer show?
My husband & I have had to make some decisions in our lives, led by Holy Spirit. One of these decisions was not to have TV hookup, not cable, nothing. We have some DVD’s that we watch occasionally, but that’s it. And we have been without TV coverage for over 3 years and wow… if we go somewhere that the TV is on. TV has gotten awful and worldlier ever!! It’s interesting how many Sunday school lessons teachers will bring up TV shows and characters, assuming everybody watches them.
That fasting from TV shows us we need so much more time with Father than we have now, we haven’t “arrived” because we did that, it showed us how precious our time is and we still have to fight for time with Father, each other and the “have to do’s”….
Having just read Beth’s book “Believing God” for the first time has given my soul a challenge to move to the next level, and part of that is consciously getting into agreement with God and not the enemy or negativity. I appreciate you, your ministries and your blog!
I think some (like myself) have a hard time recovering and returning back to normal life after a very difficult tragedy. Often whenever I try to encourage someone, I make the matter worse and should have just kept my mouth shut. My husband battled cancer for five years before I had to finally decide that it was time to give up the fight. He did many experimental treatments trying to survive. (He was only 36 and we had a 4 year old.) Do you think that some of our gloom comes to us because we have so many more medical and technological advances? Have they changed out expectation of life?
I read an article recently about the importance of playing – for adults. We are still God’s children and all children need to play. How do you play? I see you mom as one who survives many adversities because she knows what a release comedy, laughter, and play is. Any thoughts?
Great discussion. I am looking forward to part 2.
Melissa, have you considered putting together a annotated bib about your favorite books? You are so well read and thoughtful. I picked up Mark Batterson’s “In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day” after a post you had made and was so inspired after reading it. I would certainly appreciate your recommendations.
I second that.
I honestly had not given much thought about this until I read your post last night. But now it’s really on my mind. As a mother of 4 young adult children, it raises a whole new topic of conversation with them. I almost always see “the glass as half full” and my children have noticed that. Our family has been blessed beyond measure and we are thankful. So much of our experience here on earth will be affected by our attitudes so having a positive one is a really good thing, and I believe it “rubs off” on those around us. Can’t wait for post 2.
I love it.. your so right on. I have a very dear friend who is constantly happy…I have often wondered why on earth she doesn’t have a “down” day! I think we are wary of people who can be happy all the time. That is a sad thing because if we truly have the love of Christ, how can we be sad all the dang time?! My friend, Mindy, is the epitome of true christian love, and that is probably why she is always happy.
I am a horrible cynic…and I play it off as “reality” but now I wonder if it is just habit from growing up in a “culture” of sorrow….
“Throwing out the baby with the bath water,” I think is from the old days-where a family shared the same left over water for baths-by the time they got to the baby’s turn, the water was no longer clear! Obviously they were not as baby centered as we are in “our culture today” ha ha. We’d do the baby first-with organic water!
Due to a tragedy in my life recently I have been dealing with trying to pull myself out of the sorrow – -knowing it is okay to grieve, but also realizing there is a time when that deep grief moves into a time of sin – -when I choose to live in the grief, anger, sorrow rather than trusting in God and accepting His love and comfort. The thing is when you look at life through the eyes of sorrow – you seem to see only all the sadness around – -it’s hard to look and see the joyful things. and yes, it seems some people, while trying to help and show support, keep me there in that place – – and after reading what someone said about the attention it brings, that may be true in my case – -so, this post has given me a lot to think about, a challenge to rise above and find the solid ground. Thank you for sharing everyone!
Susan, so sorry you’ve suffered a tragedy.
There are times when we are to be sorrowful, there are seasons and times to mourn. When you’re suffering from a loss, God is certainly sensitive to your broken heart. Go through that with Him.
I guess I took from the discussion that our culture’s tendency is to be gloomy because it’s “cool”.
Praying you heal and sense God tending to you.
I read somewhere this week (I wish I could remember where I read it)that the true test of intimacy was sharing joy, not sorrow. I did not really understand how they could say that until your blog today. Putting into perspective, most people talk about what is wrong rather than the joys of the day. And what comes to mind is in 1Peter 4 :12 (I think) where we are told that grateful eyes see God’s glory. The more we look for and share the joyful winks God shares with us, the more we will see and experience them, and who doesn’t want that!
Anna, let me know if you find that piece you read about the true test of intimacy bieng a sharing of joy. I would be interested to see it.
I heard that over the radio on our Christian Station here. They said someplace did a study and the people who shared their joys with friends shared deeper bonds with them, then those that shared only their sad or sorrowful events in their lives.
Great thoughts Melissa. I tend to be the eternal optimist. I think sometimes when people ask me how I am doing ( I have had a really rough year, emotionally with 2 teenage boys that have both kind of tossed their life teachings out the window and several health issues) but still I am okay. People tend to look at me like I’m a fraud. But, my security does not come from this world or the dealings of this world. It comes from my hope in Christ. It is safe and valid. My road maybe a little rocky and some big potholes in it every now and then, but it is clear to me where it is headed.
Jan
Interesting.
I love life, my husband, my God, my country, my books, and my dogs! Two year ago, I may have felt “dumb” saying this!
I tire of the “oh woe, oh woe, thus thou I sayeth, if life were beautiful, than why do roses have thorns!” attitude that runs in the “intellectual” group. Ha! Intellectual is knowing who you are and choosing joy in the Lord!
đ
Ok, so I caved the other night and watched “Twilight” with my teenage daughter. Afterward I sent a text message to my grown son to ‘confess’ that I had now seen the movie (sort of an inside joke, no offense to anyone who LOVES the books/movies. I did find the whole “I’m drawn to you even though I want to kill you” thing more than a little disturbing).
His comment back was, ” I saw it and thought the underlying message was ‘ I’m a teenager and my life isn’t acceptable or exciting enough unless I’m staring into the dark abyss….’ ”
So that got me thinking. It seems pretty indicative of what you’re saying. You’re right…our “culture” is drawn to the dark abyss, the sorrow, the death, the struggle (I mean, “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”…..hello? Did it HAVE to end like that???)
A happy ending is a sappy ending? Is that what we’ve come to?
My daughter made a comment once about a certain former Spice Girl who is married to a certain soccer star. She said “she’s beautiful, she’s wealthy, she’s married to a very handsome man, she’s thin….why can’t she SMILE every once in a while?”
Jesus was the Man of Sorrows so we could be filled with His joy. He took our sorrows so we could live His happy ending. I’m going with that…..despite what the world around me says is “cool”.
Oh, and I just remembered your mom’s lesson on “Asher, the Happy Blessing.”
What she said about “why would the world want what we have if we’re not HAPPY about it? It’s TIME THE CHURCH TOOK HAPPY BACK!”
That really stuck with me, as you can tell. Gloom and doom or the happy blessing……hmm. Tough choice, don’t you think? đ
I totally agree with this blog… the “culture of sorrow” is permeated in nearly everything we do. We tend to look at the negatives in things. I have always been a pessimistic person and only recently have I consciously tried to make a difference… because what kind of light am I shining if it only gets lost in the fog of despair? And how many people would want to be won to Christ if all they see is the defeat I self-express? One point mentioned above that really resonates with me was made by Mary, who discussed always looking at the negatives of her kids when someone complimented them. I have a seven year old who is pretty rambunctious, but he is very sweet and kind and loves God. How many times have I done the same thing,… “How sweet he is”, “Yes, but he is a sight most of the time”… and how many times do we do this to ourself? Wonderful blog and excellent points. God bless!
You are so right! I am dying to change this culture of sorrow! Exactly 80 days ago, I started my “Live with Flair” project to choose to see the extraordinary in the everyday common thing. It’s a choice to find joy. http://www.livewithflair.blogspot.com/ Thanks for this post, Melissa! We CAN change a culture of sorrow and make it a culture of FLAIR! đ It’s not “brainless” to be happy–I hope my blog shows the intense intellectualism of choosing to see your day through a different lens! You’ve reminded me why I bother to do it.
To answer your question, I Googled “Throwing out the baby with the bath water”, and I found this. It is an expression which originated in Ireland as a result of the large families we used to have. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of having the clean water first, then all the other sons and men, then the women, then the children, and last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”
I’m one of the “happy” ones, and I have to admit it stuns me that people are often surprised to find I have a really deep side. Most of the time, I just find angst, sustained sorrow and “pain” too darned exhausting and a waste of time! However, I love books such as this, even if, as you said, I don’t always agree with everything the author has to say. Thanks for bringing it to our attention. I look forward to your next post on the subject of Christian joy and sorrow.
We have a close relationship (no names or relationship status!) who is a drama queen. I am the worst about being sucked into the drama and then spending the next two days being angry with myself for being sucked into it and angry with that person for being so toxic. We are all trying to relieve ourselves of the drama. What I want to say is “I am sorry that you are so miserable. Giving yourself over to Jesus and really believing in something other than yourself and your problems would be a blessing to you.” WOW! I may just try that. Great blog and just what I needed to read this morning. Thank you! Now to find the book(s).
Melissa— Let me put a little thought in your head (im whispering here) I bet you or your mom could write an amazing book on this subject…. just saying… I would relish every word of it just as I have this post. (back to normal voice) Let me know when the book signings start. *smile*
You know the old saying “misery loves company”, maybe this is true. People get comfort from others pain. This is probably, in most cases, not morbid but a true comfort in knowing others have gone through similar circumstances.
But have you ever felt like someone was jealous of your happiness?
I agree with you, Melissa, in saying I too have made up slight sorrow in conversations to make the other person feel comfortable. That is a shame isn’t it!
But I have also seen casual friendships become deeper once true pain was experienced and expressed. I never knew how caring that person was until they comforted me and extended a hand to help in my time of need. This grew our friendship to a deeper level.
This is definitely something to think about. I can’t wait to read what you share in Part II!
Waiting with baited breath, (where in the world did this phrase come from too?)
Pam
My 13-year-old son, bubbly since birth, has in the last year or so adopted the “emo” style–he likes to dress all in black, though we insist that he change his colors sometimes, he likes “screamo” music (some is even Christian) and he looks mad in all his photos. He even spent a time involved in cutting. My husband and I were–and still are–devastated by this. He seems to be better and is himself at home, and he continues to claim to live for Christ, but the culture is a huge influence for him.
I’m with you, Melissa! “I almost felt forced to whine, complain, bare my melancholy soulâor be exposed as superficial, inauthentic, or worseâsimpleminded.” I absolutely understand that feeling, and the sense that those who live with a more dark and negative mindset are somehow deeper than those who are radiant with joy and never complain or overanalyze their problems. You just articulated something I’ve been thinking about for a while but couldn’t really explain, so thank you!
Oh, yes, I have found myself believing sorrow to be “truer”, in fact, I’ve been wrestling with this issue the last few days. I was talking to someone last week about feeling depressed, and she told me that while I might be “depressed”, I’m not “DEPRESSED”, as in not able to function, etc., that I’m not giving myself enough credit as a woman to feel all the different emotions we feel and cry and so on, and then I think she told me, in a gentle and roundabout way, to put on my big girl panties and move on. I do believe I have bought into another of the enemy’s lies, and at some point, made an agreement with him about this very issue. I came across a C. J. Mahaney sermon yesterday entitled “The Troubled Soul: God’s Word and Our Feelings”, about the inner voice that we talk to ourselves with. I haven’t been able to view the entire sermon yet but I believe it relates to this topic. Isn’t it ‘funny’ how once someone lays some Truth on you, it just keeps popping up here and there? Thank you for this, Melissa. ~A man finds joy in giving an apt replyâ and how good is a timely word! Proverbs 15:23
From time to time, I read back through Elisabeth Elliot devotions that I have saved and about three weeks ago I read one where was commenting on a friend who she visited and that friend did not complain once the entire time she was there. When she asked her friend about it, the friend said that she resolved to take 2 weeks to not say anything negative, because she reasoned that in 2 weeks time, it will have become a habit.
So, I decided to take that challenge. (While it does not pertain to sadness, as your topic does today, I think negativity and complaining should also be included in what our culture embraces as acceptable and good.)
I had no idea how hard this would be.It is amazing to me how much I have let negativity creep into my heart, mind and voice.
I “slip” at least once a day. It catches me by surprise. Not that I’ll ever acheive perfection. I know I won’t. But, I am just taken aback that I often don’t think before I speak. (Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only that which edifies and fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29)
One reason I think sorrow(and all it’s synonyms) is so popular is that it’s much easier to be in this state of mind if you let yourself go there, which is totally easy. It is much more difficult to sustain a heart of joy unless you choose to pursue it and only with the Lord will you have success. I personally, want to be more joyous. Wouldn’t we all rather be around people who are full of joy than of sorrow?
Great post! Thanks. Have a blessed day in the Lord!
My husband (9 years) and I have an unwritten rule that we don’t criticize or gripe about each other to other people. One thing I’ve learned is that I’ll get over whatever he has done and forget about it. Other people, however, don’t always forget about it and might always hold that specific opinion of him. They might always think back to that one instance and use that to shape their opinion of him. It’s just better to build him up and brag on him in public and leave those opinions out there. đ
I absolutely agree with Work. I notice it so much in âour cultureâ. I have even stopped watching certain things on TV because I leave feeling depressed and hopeless. You see that the celebrities that get the most attention are the ones in the most misery. Tim Burtonâs dark and dreary movies seem to be more and more popular these days. Even Christian Rock videos are the most dark and depressing things that I have seen.
It leaves me with a few questions: Is it our culture or our sinful human nature? Is this manâs depravity? Or is it that misery loves company and we are willing to cozy up next to it and be its best friend?
I can totally identify & needed this wake-up call. I can become addicted to pretty much anything. My life is really good and I can look at it and make believe it isn’t! (Crazy) What a great topic! Thank you. I need to focus not so much on what needs to be changed in the world, but on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude!
I think it boils down to the world telling us that only “victims” are entitled to understanding. That depth and character come with hardships, oppression, losses and the “human” ability to “overcome” them. This is a worldly point of view and one that easily creeps in. After all, the facts are that we’ve ALL had hardships, trials and heartaches. Isn’t it great when we can all feel warm and fuzzy together as “we” help one another. Again, totally worldly point of view, and one that even those of us who think Jesus is the BOMB can fall into, right? Being human will creep right in and grab you.
I’m a mom of four, homeschooler and own a real estate company. This is my favorite line: “How do you DOOOO all that?” The first time I heard it, I actually blink…blinked..for a minute. I hadn’t really thought of it that way…until then. đ And yep, I’ve done the whole poor, pitiful me routine, as well. Then one day I was on the phone griping, and my oldest heard me. I was FREAKED out! I finally heard myself…really heard myself. And was ashamed. I’ve repented, acknowledged how utterly stupid that mind set was and changed. The yucky feeling (there’s no other way to discribe it) still lingers, though. My baby heard that. He heard me griping about all I had to do, and he was part of the “all”. As though being blessed with being his mom was somehow a hardship that I couldn’t fathom had happened to me. Ummm…he got here by a violitional act, right?! I WANTED him…and the three that followed! But, I had bought into the junk. No more.
I’ll be 40 next year. It took me a while, and thankfully, God’s patience is huge. My husband’s patience is, as well. đ
I now proudly say, I’m a homeschooling mom of four. My real estate company is small, but mine. My husband of almost a decade and a half stinkin’ ROCKS and my life is busy, but blessed beyond anything I could imagine, think, and most assuredly, more so than I deserve. I, finally, don’t particularly care if that makes me seem shallow, slow or simple. I am content and have a life that has much more joy in it than sorrow, thanks, in full, to God’s grace. (contentment is highly underrated)
Kristi
A friend called me a bit ago and told me to read this, and I am so glad she did. It is difficult for me at times, to be surrounded by the negative and melancholy, especially as it hits very close to home. I consider myself the “anti-negative”. Trying to be upbeat, it is tiring to listen to every possible negative backlash to a comment. It’s exhausting.
Why is it so shocking when people are having a good time and are happy? I had someone ask me that recently. Something like, “why are you in such a good mood”? Huh? Why wouldn’t I be. Don’t get me wrong, things get me down, too. Nothing but prayer and patience works that out, though.
Thanks again for the post.
Pam đ
I’m hearing you, I bought a book called “The Lovely Bones”, won awards and seemed very thought provoking and it was but oh, the thought it provoked. It seemed the author wanted to take you to the dankest of dungeons in our world to illustrate pain, really show it and I kept reading and thinking, this is NOT good for me, it was awful. A well written awful, but why does the world think that if we delve into misery we some how become more “enlightened”. It’s the knowledge of good and evil we have been cursed with I think.. and there is a whole world of folks that would rather give you knowledge of the evil.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirableâif anything is excellent or praiseworthyâthink about such things.” Phill 4:8
I am answering Melissa before reading everyone’s comments so forgive me if this thought has been raised already. I believe our sorrow comes along with puberty. I know a person who was severelly (sp?) physically abused as a child. This person was one of the happiest people I knew when I met them. Over the years the toll is beginning to show but ask anyone in this person’s past and they will say the person as a child was always upbeat and fun. A child does not know that their life is not quite right. They fit what is happening to them in the general scheme of things and enjoy playing tag and riding bikes. The bad times are the bad times but children seem to veer towards happiness. I think the age of knowledge of right and wrong comes with school and as we grow and see how other families are and we can make comparisons. I remember being so miserable as a teenager and I was in the trap of sorrow until Jesus won my heart at the age of 33. I decided at that point that I really didn’t have anything to be sad about compared to His sacrifice.
Agreed..what about a few years back the movie Nicholas Cage was in won an Oscar..so my hubby and I rented it thinking oh this must be good…it was the most depressing thing ever! We kept watching just thinking ..it’s got to get better!! It did not!
My pastor refers to “us”..the human race as “temperature takers” I think he got that phrase from Piper or Keller but whoever came up with it I totally agree. We are a bunch of “temperature taking”, “how do I feel right now” kinda people.
I think it is so hard to share the “good” things that happen. It can sound trite. I would have to dig deeper to share the insights, the joys, the heartfelt contentedness that I feel. I tend to say things are good , ok or I tell another story of woe about what is happening. It tends to be more circumstance oriented instead of personal soul oriented.
Wow, I haven’t ever thought about this, but I think this is so true. I did read The Road and the book was utterly depressing and hopeless. When I finished it I really couldn’t figure it out. Why write a book like this, what purpose did this book serve, what am I supposed to take away from this? Now I know, at least Work’s ideas help explain that book to me better. I guess people think if we are living in a hopeless and depressing world (those without Christ) we might as well make it seem cool and admirable somehow.
I have always been someone who is turned of by false pretense, like when someone acts all Pollyanna but it seems like they are just avoiding reality, and then they are judgmental about anyone who has any kind of lament to express. I feel like Oprah and the new age movement are into this “think positive thoughts and your life will be great, but your negative thoughts are the cause of all that is bad in your life”, that just bothers me. This to me is different from people who are genuinely happy though.
I never really thought about the fact that sometimes there is pressure to act like things are bad when they aren’t. Is the answer more authenticity whether it is happy or sad? Then again I heard a lady on the radio the other day talk about how it is has become popular “in our culture” to be honest and open and avoid all pretense, and how she has observed that, especially the younger generation, people have just turned that into a freedom to be mean, to say whatever they are thinking whenever they feel like it. She was talking about getting back to having some discretion about our honesty. Don’t know how that fits in with being more authentic and honest.
I think ultimately genuine happy is what I desire to have and to see in others, but maybe when people don’t have it or have no hope for it, again they need to make the most of what they do have, so they make it cool. After reading The Road it is very (genuinely) sad to me to think that is what people appreciate, admire, and see some purpose in.
I think a life of sadness/sorrow is just one of the many ways we buy into the lie of the enemy. Oh, it definitely has its place, but shouldn’t BE the place. We have to be on guard. If we only knew the statistic of how many people are flocking to medication to overcome … within, we KNOW we are not meant to live a life of sadness.
Melissa … you always get my wheels spinning! Love you!
FYI: The phrase “throwing the baby out with the bath water” came from the time of Shakespear…. When a family would bath (and it was not very often), they would bring in a tub of water. The father would bath first, then the mother, then the kids. By the time the baby was bathed, the water was so dirty, that you could throw the water out and not see the baby in it…. đ I’m not sure where I read that, but it had the origin of many sayings and customs that we have today…
One huge thing pops into my mind after raising three daughters now in their twenties and watching their friends and the media they were attracted to – – – DRAMA – – – sweeping generalization: they (whether Christ follower’s or not), sadly, thrive on it. I am shocked by the change in a generation where my friends and I desired calm, peace and joy in our marriage/family and/or our careers/vocations, now, though I doubt they would admit it, are attracted to DRAMA, especially negative soap opera style events – happy and joyful seem boring – it’s frightening.
Leslie
Apple Valley
I agree completely. I quit watching Oprah many years ago, because the majority of the shows became tragic accounts of grief, trauma, etc. And most of the books on the “Oprah Book Club” list were touted as brilliant, but seemed to me to be depressing. Think how many millions of people watched and read those programs and books. I’m not an Oprah-hater, but those shows came to mind as I was thinking about the “Culture of Sorrow.”
2 mini-points:
1 – it is SUCH A knee-jerk reaction to respond with the negative. Every Sunday one of the other leaders at church asks me, “How was your week?” and I JUST realized, I always try to find the “bad” thing about my week as my answer! On the weeks I can’t find anything negative, I’d just say, “Oh, it was good” and feel like I didn’t have a sufficient ansser. If my new awareness of this habit is my only takeaway from this post it would be a great benefit, but I’ve got a feeling there’s more to come đ
2 – Recently there was a sad story in our newspaper about how a recently widowed elderly woman had lost a special ring her husband had given her. A couple of weeks later she found the ring in the bottom of her purse, so the paper printed a follow up story about her finding the ring. You would think the comments on the story would be comments that shared in her happiness – but that was NOT the case! They were comments about how this wasn’t “news” and that the newspaper needed to get a clue about what was newsworthy, they were desperate for a story, etc. So yes, “our culture” often seeks out the hard, difficult stories and even openly REJECTS some good news!
Ready for Part II of this post sister!
-Leslee
First, Melissa, I really love and appreciate when you pop in with some thinking things. And then share a book that I had never heard of but is right down where we (I) live. I love that!!! Thank you. I do agree that it is cooler to be sadder. Though I being melancholy I can get trapped in the sad stuff. But, I also see that people will parade their great husband on a game show with all their great children and sometimes it strikes me as not a real deal. I might be wrong but it feels like that. What I can’t stomach in our society is how society wants to think for us, explain the most common things in how to operate some of the most simpliest machines or how to do things that are commonly known. Can’t think of an example right now but I think you get my drift. Sadder is not cooler, its honesty that is cooler. Making a big deal about how sad you are, too me only makes what is really not that sad, SAD. It lacks in my opinion an honest heart. Honest, revealing truth, I believe can cause true inventory that brings happy changes.
Melissa,
I can’t remember if this is from Beth or another Bible teacher, but I heard it taught that fantasy is the idolization of self-pity.
Could much of the modern lament be idolatry of self-pity or something along those lines?
And I agree with you about being cautious regarding generalizations. America was known as the “melting pot,” but I don’t think that applies because we are not growing together as a nation. This country seems to be many people wanting to be different or special, but that goes against the intrisic need to belong, so you have tons of small groups, each wanting to be different. Just look at how many denominations of the church exist today.
I have a wonderful daughter-in-law who is the mother of our two sets of twin boys. She is amazing and I tell her this constantly. She never has a negative thing to say about her boys — and they are truly boys. She is strict with them (has to be) but is so loving and patient as well.
As you can tell, I love her like my own and thank the Good Lord each day she was put in my son’s life. By the way, he is pretty amazing Dad.
My point, I would rather hear and say positive things. When the new twins were born and we were going thru feedings every three hours, I would tell her — “Just think, we are one day closer to them sleeping all night.” That is my motto, “One day closer to see our Beloved Savior” – “One day closer”
Melissa, love your Mom — she has raised two wonderful daughters with hearts for Jesus! God Bless!
I was saved at a young age, but “strayed” throughout my teen years. I recommitted my life to the Lord at the age of 21 âŠand again at 24!
I had battled depression for years, due to (in my case) the decisions that i made during that time of straying. I know that not all depression is due to a choice in lifestyle – there are actually some people with a chemical imbalance – occurring naturally.
When i recommitted my life to Jesus, at the age of 24… i noticed something weird was going on… I didn’t feel like “myself”. It was almost 3 weeks before i pinpointed it: i was happy! I had joy!!
This joy was a feature of my new life in Christ. It was a result of following Jesus, and His great mercy. That was 10 years ago. There were a few brief periods in the past 3 years, where i succumbed to depression (again, in my case) because i wasn’t looking to God to “complete” me, and wanted a physical something, or other, to do that âŠand I was pouting.
This time, feeling depressed felt foreign to me. I realized how much The LORD has changed me⊠brought me through⊠and loves me… This time, the depression was a red flag, that i wasn’t right with Him – and i snapped to, confessed & looked to Him to complete me, once again.
After He changed my life, it inevitably forced some of my former friends to seek a new partner, with whom to lament over life, in general. They were not comfortable being around my positive self. Sad, but true. đ
I’m not overly “chipper” – but Jesus in [and over] my life gives me hope, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness & faith… It’s just there â a result of following the Holy Spiritâs promptings. Of course, we all have our “off” days â but that’s a result of our human condition.
Interestingly, Dr. John Barnett of Discover the Book Ministries has a sermon called “Life in the Minor Key” which discusses how our human condition (usually something as simple as needing food & rest) can affect us; and shows how even some of the great leaders & prophets in the Bible had moments of depression… and it wasn’t sinful. It was just where they were at that moment in time.
http://www.dtbm.org/sermon/life-in-the-minor-key
We have to be careful not to call all depression sin, and âshoot our woundedâ as itâs been called; but we also must be aware of this Culture of Sorrow, as well, and not have an emo section in the church. đ
In our backwards society: happy = naĂŻve⊠brooding = ĂŒber cool/artisticâŠ
gory = entertainment⊠and sex = recreationâŠ
Our modern society is drifting towards the ideals of the Greco-Roman culture, bit by bit. We can only hope that history doesnât repeat itself. When Christians declined to participate in attending the theaters, stadiums & games of the time â this was the first charge by Nero: that Christians were âHaters of HumanityââŠand they were persecuted for it. Talk about peer pressure!
Weâve needed to identify with our Christian culture â more than our national culture, for some time⊠I loved this message in the Daniel study! đ Thereâs no better time than the present.
Appreciate your thoughtful comments !
I cannot say that I have found sad to be “cool,” but I do think these thoughts speak to the culture of being a victim today – sort of a ‘poor me’ attitude of never realizing that to which we’ve been somehow *entitled.”
When I see cultural icons like Pattinson and his looks, etc., I am amazed that the brooding, unkempt person is the desired. It’s interesting that this is what people strive to emulate, however we are drawn to confident, healthy and warm people. What we think we want, isn’t what satisfies…mmmm lots to think about!
After having been away from church for many years, I knew I needed to go back. My husband and I found ourselves at a non-denominational church where we didn’t know a soul. We could not get over how “happy” everyone appeared to be. Just plain happy. We visited a couple of times and then they held a communion service on a Sunday evening. My husband couldn’t go, but he wanted me to scope it out. We were convinced it was some sort of cult because of these too happy people. He even told me not to “drink the Kool-Aid”.
Well, I drank it. We soon became members and a had a wonderful and long experience with that group of believers. We even started to be happy. What was our problem with happy? We were just too cool – but no more! We aren’t cool now – we’re happy.
I may be too simpleminded to respond (grin), but when reading this post it occurred to me that sometimes when a friend is going through a hard time then I will tend to be more negative about my own life. It may be a great season for me, but I don’t want my friend to “feel so bad” so I will talk about something negative that may be a very small thing, but exaggerate it to make her feel better. I guess in a way that is trying to be “cool” with my friend. Just a crazy thought……
Even weirder is that I know where the whole baby – bathwater phrase comes from. I just took my kids on a field trip to a pioneer museum here in Utah and they explained how the whole family bathed in the same tub of water, and the youngest was always last – make sure the baby is out before you throw the water. One of those random bits of info you pick up here and there.
Anyway – I love this post. I have been thinking about this since a friend commented the other day that she feels guilty about God blessing her when there is so much pain and suffering in the world. How do you find the balance between sacrifice and self-imposed misery?
It occurred to me that perhaps people desire so desparately to feel “something” that a culture of sorrow is comfort to them? Comfort in a pit, but at least,to them, they are feeling, feeling something. Our media definitely contributes to this “culture of sorrow” and we feed right into it. Death, sadness, war, anger, arguments… they sell. The happy stories are usually buried under so many reports of sadness!
I have heard more than once “You are always in such a good mood!” My response is usually “you just don’t see me when I am in a bad mood, or sad.” LOL – I lived in a culture of sorrow back in my late teens and early 20’s. Those chains kept me in such bondage that I don’t want to live there again! The only way that can happen is with the Lord. I choose joy. Sure, I have times of unhappiness… I can be happy or I can be unhappy… but I can’t be unjoyed!
It baffles me when friends or strangers ask, “why are you happy all the time?” I even had one speaker say “your smile is covering up your misery”. Huh?
I TRULY mean it when I say I’m blessed to be alive today. My smile often opens up a conversation about Christ. What could be easier to witness than a smile?
Gail – you are an inspiration! You are an example to me; thank you!
First let me say that you have piqued my curiosity about that book. I completely agree that we have looked for the negative to share way too often, that being said, today is the day to share the brighter side of a wonderful Christ focused existence instead of that martyr image we often display.
Next – Throw the Baby out with the Bath Water –
Comes from the time of filling the tub once for the whole family to wash. Elders first, then the children, often by the time the baby was washed the water was no longer clean and clear – thus you had to be careful not to “Throw the baby out with the bath water”.