I called my Mom after work this evening to check and see if she was blogging tonight and when she said she wouldn’t be able to just yet I decided I would throw a little random post your way. Since I’m out of classes, you might find some random or boring (??) discussions on this here blog every now and again. What you’ll find here tonight is meant to be less of an assertion than it is a discussion about some new thoughts I find intriguing.
Last summer I read a book called Ainât Too Proud To Beg: Living Through the Lordâs Prayer by Telford Work (2007). Dr. Work is assistant professor of theology at Westmont College. I donât know him personally but I enjoyed him to no end through his writing. His book is a rare and thrilling infusion of disciplines. I donât want to summarize or review this unique book here, but it is certainly worth a read. Even if you disagree with Work at various points, I promise youâll learn some things along the way. Plus, in your heart of hearts you know you feel compelled to read a book by an author named âTelford Work.â
As I do with all the books I really love, I picked the book up again last night and started flipping through it and glanced over the places where I had highlighted or made notes in the margin. I loved this book so much that even my revisiting of it took me all the way to the epilogue. The epilogue is composed of several of Workâs sermons. One of these sermons in particular caught my attention. Â In this sermon entitled “You Can Say That Again,” Work coins a phrase, âculture of sorrow.â He uses it in reference to our own culture and âthe common sensibility that lifeâs true character is misfortune and that sadness rules over usâ (226). He says:
âIn our culture of sorrow, sadder is cooler. Joy may be desirable, but itâs not fashionable. What is? Ask the fashion industry! Does that look of aloof, disheveled, emaciated, sophistication strike you as happy? Me neither. But itâs cool! Or name a big pop band that has looked happy in its photos since the Beatles in 1964. Cool means hard stares, angry sneers, lust, and brooding . . . angst, ennui, existential despair, cynicism, political decline, environmental catastrophe, and social alienation . . . Master these and youâll be the life of the dinner partyâ (226).
And taking it further, he says again:
âIn our culture of sorrow, sadder is wiser. Misery has become our myth, our metanarrative. Joy is liable to be taken as immaturity or ignorance . . . If you want an Oscar, donât go with a so-called Hollywood ending. Go with a gut-wrenching tragedy like Million Dollar Baby . . . Sadder is deeper. . . What moves a personal relationship from small-talk pleasantries to greater sincerity? Telling the truth, of course. And for us the deepest truth-telling generally involves the disclosure of pain, hardship, and anxiety. Relationships tend to deepen from shallow happiness to more authentic sorrow . . . Sadder is greater . . . Anger, fright, and fantasy bring out voters and volunteers, not joy. Fear and greed drive the economy, not joy. Sorrow acts and we react. It calls the shotsâ (227).
Brief Tangent: If youâre like me, you are becoming increasingly suspicious of the phrase âin our cultureâ because it is used so often to introduce all kinds of authoritative but contradictory statistics. I use this phrase âin our cultureâ out of sheer habit and because it is so delightfully malleable but I always question myself when I use it because I know full well it is typically going to introduce a generalization. Having said that, some generalizations are more legitimate than others. So even if youâre like me, and youâre super skeptical and annoying, you have to hand it to Work because his âculture of sorrowâ idea sure seems to describe a significant aspect of our culture even if you donât agree that it is indicative of our culture across the board.
The other day Colin and I watched “The Road” with Viggo Mortensen. The movie was based on the novel by Cormac McCarthy. Now to be fair, I did not read the novel but the movie, in my opinion, was one horrific and unimaginably depressing scene after another. Just when I thought I was watching the worst the movie had to offer we were abruptly hurled into a whole different strata of horror. And the characters didnât even have names. Not my idea of a blockbuster night. Typically I like an emo and soul probing flick but I couldn’t discern even one strand of hope throughout the film and this led to the hardness of my heart. Â Anyway, the book was evidently deemed one of the most important and brilliant movies of the year. I wish I could say that the accolades surprised me but they did not. Â In my own opinion what was profound, was not the movie itself, but the very fact that so many people had heralded it as profoundâto me that said more about âour cultureâ than anything else.
Iâm not sure why I hadnât thought of this whole âculture of sorrowâ thing⊠as soon as I read the phrase I was mentally slapping my knee thinking to myself, âTelford Work is just so painfully right!!!â You know those people who can articulate a once rather opaque phenomenon dead on– well that is sort of what reading this entire book was like for me. I just kept thinking, âI would have written this myself if I would have known how to explain it.â That is the best kind of book- when it hits so closely to home that you feel you yourself could have written it even if you donât have a fraction of the writing ability that the author has.
When Colin and I were first married, people would say things like, âTell us the truth, what is marriage really like?â I almost felt forced to whine, complain, bare my melancholy soulâor be exposed as superficial, inauthentic, or worse–simpleminded. Â Now, of course, it is one thing to be honest when things really are tough and difficult, but even when things were not tough at all, and I was in fact enjoying my life and marriage, I would feel the need to give some token piece of what ârealityâ was really like or some slice of darkness to build credibility with my conversation partner. Good night . . . as though life is not tough enough without feeling pressure to forge expressions of grief. If youâre bothered by folk who tell you theyâre âfineâ when theyâre really not, what about people like me who have, on occasion, acted as though things were tough when they really werenât?!?
Egads.
I was laughing a few weeks ago when I was on our trip and someone made the comment, âEveryone on this trip, is just so . . . happy!â I gotta be honest, I was sort-of-kind-of thinking the same thing to myself at first, until I saw my own log in someone elseâs plank. I mean seriously, would she, or I for that matter, rather them all be depressed and lethargic rather than happy and peppy? Iâve also, time and time again, fallen prey to the naive mistake of assuming that the most thoughtful and intelligent people I know, the âthinkersâ if you will, are mostly those people I know who are usually despondent. Work’s discussion of “our culture of sorrow” gave voice to some of my assumptions that I hadnât really given much thought to before.
Now before you slap me silly, this post is not the end of the story.  And it isn’t even the end of Work’s sermon. I cannot sum up this entire discussion here.  This is only Part One. In Part Two of this blog (to come in the next week), I would like to explore the place of both joy and sorrow within a Christian worldview. I’m not trying to throw the baby out with the bath water (By the way, where in the world did that phrase come from? It is just beyond weird). So, for now, even though you havenât likely read the book, what do you think about Workâs initial sermon thoughts? Have you encountered this phenomenon before? Is this perhaps a bigger issue for one generation than another?
Have you found that sadder is often âcoolerâ or âwiserâ or âdeeperâ or âtruerâ?
Talk to me.
P.S. For those of you who have expressed a desire to buy the book–please know that this subject is not a major issue in the book, it is only in the epilogue in a short sermon. Â Also, it is a fairly academic read. Â Having made this full disclosure, I still think you will like the book.
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Maybe we have grown so cold that it takes intense emotional depictions on tv to raise our blood pressure just a tiny bit…we’ve grown callus.
Kim, that is really interesting. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Thanks for commenting. Love, Melis
I find in my work as a chaplain that it is popular to think of our own situations as “the only sufferer”; the important recipiant of said suffering” only to appear on the Oprah Show .What if we see our individual “difficulties” i.e. abuse, death, disease, as just God’s “agenda” to be used as the vehicle to become closer to HIM…. not unique and self posturing. It is not “cool”, as you say, to go through life thinking that God has allowed this for our relationship; accept that and go on learning… no, there is really no ” attention getting” in that! If we bring our pain into a smaller piece of “clay” and USE it for the good… thus thinking in a positive way… who knows… we may focus on our GOD AND NOT ON OURSELVES as we look up for His leading.
I was just thinking about this the other day. My husband travels a lot for work and I am a stay-at-home to 2 boys, ages 7 and 3. About 2 years ago I realized I had formed a habit that fit in with the “culture of sorrow” idea perfectly. Every time my husband would come home after being gone for a few days and ask me how the boys were, I would always tell him how stressful and tiring it was. I would go on and on about how much work they were and how hard I had to to work to keep up with them. I threw out ever little moment of rebellion or lack of cooperation i could think of (and made some up/exaggerated when I couldn’t think of any/enough) Then, one day, I had an epiphany. My boys are really good. They get along well, are obedient and respectful, and really aren’t much work at all. When I thought about this habit of dumping all this angst on my husband, I realized that I did it because that’s what I thought stay-at-home mom’s were supposed to do. If I didn’t act like my situation was unbearable then how would I ever be appreciated for what I was doing. Being the “put out” mom was what I thought my role was. Then it dawned on me that my kids may hear this stuff one day and how would that make them feel. Especially since it was so blatantly not true. Also, what man wants to come home to a whiny wife. I decided right then and there to praise my children for their cooperation and obedience while dad was gone and to make me someone that he wanted to come home to. But I was REALLY suprised when I realized what I was doing just because I thought it was what a “cool” mom did.
Becki, your comment is really profound, I think. Especially the part about having to have an unbearable situation in order to receive appreciation. Very enlightening. Thanks for commenting tonight.
Yes! I’ve totally just had this epiphany too…thanks for sharing!
Becki,
I can totally relate. Thanks for sharing. I am a elementary school teacher and when I’m asked about job most people are only interested in what I have to say if I share “horror stories” about children, demanding requests made by parents, or moan about the administration, etc. When things are going a-okay and I’m enjoying the day-to-day of my job interest starts dwindling. I know sometimes I let my desire to have people interested in what I’m saying drive what I actually chose to share. Instead I need to be confident with the truth–especially if it is what some may call “boring” (aka: happy and drama free!).
You are all onto something here! I totally relate with the mom thing & the teacher thing – and have fallen victim to complaining about both, which also happen to be HUGE blessings in my life. I hate it when I go with the flow!! đ
You’re a great Mom! The fact that you realize what you were doing NOW, will benefit your boys from here on out! It took me more years than I care to admit that I had done the same thing. I was the one that wanted to stay home with my two (and am so grateful that I was able to!), but I did the same thing you had done with all the ‘typical kid things’ most kids do when one parent is out of town and held all the wonderful things and the fun ‘Mom’ memories inside! You’re going to be proud of those two boys when they’re grown, because they have you for a Mom. Blessings to you and you’re family.
I love this, Becki!!
That is so insightful Becki. Thanks for your transparency. You really encouraged me to remember the truth!
Thanks for sharing! I also am a stay at home mom of a 2 and 4 year old. I also work at home M-Th from 9pm to 1am, then get up with my kids by 7am or earlier. I feel like I need to complain about my situation so people will appreciate or respect what I do, but why? Who really cares what they think? Is it really all that bad that somebody might know that I actually LOVE what I do?? I would not change it for anything. My honey is a teacher so I have to work at least part time and it is my hearts desire to stay home with my kids. What better schedule could I ask for- home with kiddos during the day, evenings as a family, and work after everyone else’s bedtime. All I am missing is some sleep but I believe God can give me my 8 hours in 5 or 6!
Kelley-My man is also a teacher, and I am looking to go back to work after having our 2nd child (he’s almost a year old.) I really want something part-time. I would love to know what you do. It sounds like a schedule that would fit our lives perfectly!! Thanks!
I am really blessed. I work for a lab company and I do medical interviews for people who have applied for life insurance (AK and HI after 11pm). We do interviews for just about any insurance company you can think of. Unfortunately we are the only call center and there is only one 9pm-1am position. If you live near Kansas City, MO I could get you a job- the shifts available are 3-7, 4-8, 5-9….
Kelly – I actually do live near KCMO (Lee’s Summit, MO) and have been looking for a work-from-home opportunity since my husband was out of work for over a year, and I would like to help get our finances back on track. I am genuinely interested in the job. I also might mention (if it would be an asset) that I have a good medical background, but have not worked in that field for many years (I was a stay-at-home mom who home-schooled for over 10 years). I would like information about the job if you are willing to share it.
Wow, I totally do that…for the same reason, to feel validated as a hard working mom. To be honest, its like I am trying everyday to prove that my job is harder than my husbands! God just brought to my mind the verse about doing everything without murmuring or complaining..well, I guess that is our answer right there. Like Philippians 4:8 “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things”
I guess when we do that, our actions will soon follow.
Thank you for your comment, it will make me think next time my husband walks through the door đ God bless
“to prove that my job is harder than ____________”
so true that we want people to know we are working hard and it won’t seem like we’re working hard if it’s a breeze…although life cannot be a breeze without the CONSTANT, CONSISTENT work of discipline (ourselves and our children) and keeping on top of housework, chores, etc.
Melissa,
I’m so glad this was profound to you–it’s obviously struck a chord with many of us, too!
Totally, agree we need to think on Phillipians 4:8,
in fact I took the time to break this verse down:
true-means not false or unreliable, but genuine, real
noble-honorable or morally attractive, reverence, worthy
pure-free from sin, without fault, high character
lovely-admirable or agreeable to behold or consider, love inspiring pleasing in characer
good report-excellent account of, fit for God to hear
virtue-being concerned with Godly things or moral goodness
praiseworthy-glory to God, adoration from the heart
meditate-to think deeply
Right thinking leads to right living.
I think it is so true that we feel we have to prove how much trouble we have gone to in order to be appreciated.
how interesting
Good stuff. Thanks for being honest. I have 4 and home school them so we can go with dad who travels for work. And I do the exact same thing. And feel the exact same way about it that you do. Just wanted to be honest right along side you so you know you’re not alone and because I know the evil one tries to isolate us in our shame. You’re not alone, I’m not alone, and anyone else who is doing this same thing is not alone. Shoot we’ve done enough if we wake up in the morning and let Jesus love on us – we don’t need to prove anything to anybody to gain some appreciation. I’m clothed with strength and dignity. (I think I read that somewhere recently!) he,he Thanks for sharing…it makes me feel better that you said it out loud too. Have a great week Becki. And thanks for the post Melissa. Love you girls.
I was actually replying to Becki, the stay at home mom who posted 3rd or 4th in line at the beginning of this thing. I hit the wrong button. Just wanted my comment to be in context and to get to her. It’s tough being human!
When I complained about how “bad” the children were, I think it was because I wanted to feel like I was earning my keep as a stay at home mom. If I had said the kids were fine, I would have felt like I was not “working” at home hard enough. Wonderful insight, Becki. Wish I had thought of that 20 + years ago.
Oh, Becki! You are so on-target! I was telling my Mom just the other day about how the Moms in my church mom’s group complain constantly. It’s like a competition!
* We have so many appointments!
* We are over-booked!
* We’re never home!
* We’ve eaten chicken nuggets for a week!
…but I still made my casserole, showered, put on makeup and found my way to my mom’s group this morning.
I think a lot of moms are desperate for approval. Complaining is our means of BEGGING for appreciation.
One of our speaker’s topics was “Moms are Appreciated” She was the most well received and loved speaker of the entire year. Everyone in the room was crying.
Moms need encouragement–real encouragement to share the joyful parts of our job!
I do see that Melissa. Interesting. I have also found myself searching for some sorrow from which to speak so that I might be percieved as wise. Hmmm…why do we believe pain brings credibility? That’s a fascinating topic. I will ponder…: ) Thanks for sharing these things. Have you read A Hole in our Gospel yet? Eek! Challenging. So is Sticky Church.
Julie, I haven’t read A Hole in Our Gospel. I will check it out! -Melis
I’m reading that right now. Loving it.
I’ve read it and it changed my way of thinking FOREVER! I think it should be mandatory reading for every Christian.
I agree…mandatory reading.
I read it and loved it! It was such an “easy” read!
Julie, I just have to agree with you here. I lead the Moms’ Group at my church and have shared my testimony numerous times but my testimony is actually an extremely positive one. I have lived a great life, have amazing parents, really haven’t suffered much hardship, and yet I have felt in the past that it isn’t as meaningful to the audience because I don’t come from some place of pain. But instead of letting this hinder me from sharing, I always tell them that hearing from someone that had an amazing childhood can help them see how giving their own children the gift of unconditional love and acceptance can leave an amazing legacy. I had to realize that I do have a powerful story and I don’t have to have “pain and anguish” to allow it to reach or help someone else.
Thanks for your comment, and thanks, Melissa, for bringing up this topic. It’s interesting to read all the comments!
Thanks Karen! I just got back from out of town and saw your comment. : )
I can totally relate…I have a sister that is so unbelievably melancholy. Her favorite color: grey…seriously. And not “gray”, well that would just be wrong! Just once to see some passion in her for something positive would be a blessing beyond belief – however, she is quite convinced that my life cannot really be “that good” – it is, by the way – and therefore she has little to do with me and my family. First, let me explain – our parents had a pretty miserable marriage and now that I am in a happy marriage, she can’t believe that. In fact, when we visit my mom, even my mother pulls me into a private conversation and asks if everything is okay with my marriage: as if the laughs and hugs and quick kisses between me and my hubby are not genuine. It’s sad.
I can’t wait to see the great post you’ve got for us next week! Maybe I’ll be able to apply something to help me out with these tiring relationships. Please? đ
i have a sister[-in-law] like this, too, and it’s wearing thin our relationship. she’s a christian, but she is never anything but negative. i just try to be an example of a positive attitude that is grateful for what blessing we do have. but i have to admit, i can only handle so much time around her before i get worn out!
Do we have the same sister? Interesting how someone can “choose” to be unhappy, how some people don’t realize that they are making decisions for their life to be sad. I have encountered the same arguments about my marriage with my sister. No marriage is perfect, but you can still be happy and have joy with another human being, there is nothing wrong with that.
I, too, have noticed that “in this culture” people expect you to have something to complain or moan about. I don’t get it.
Right now we’re going through a custody battle to keep our adoptive son. People keep harping on the negative things in the situation and it’s so easy to get caught up in those negative things. Yes, the situation stinks – but my overall thought is, “When my son is grown, he’ll know that someone in his birth-family actually cared!” That’s a major praise in my book! Yet all I hear is how terrible it is (I won’t deny, emotionally it is terrible. But logistically, it means healing for my spiritually wounded child.).
This is my first read on this blog – but I’ll come back. I’ve done 10 of your mother’s studies and always discover something profound. Maybe through the blog God will show me little profound things along the way!
Thank you!
Melissa,
I love that you raised this discussion. I do believe we have a “culture of sorrow” but I hardly see how we can expect anything else. To live in this world is to suffer- we as Americans are greatly shielded from this reality. I do find myself being drawn to works that are what I deem “honest” and rarely do they involve a happy ending. That is just not life.
Because you said this is part I of the discussion I won’t go on to highlight the hope we have in Christ. (I assume that is where part II will take us) because it does indeed, change everything.
For now, I will end by reiterating my initial point; to live in this world is to suffer. Some are lucky enough not to have experienced that on any major level but those of us who have, I fear, can really no longer relate to that state of mind.
Anonymous, your words are certainly fair enough. And I think you’re right–Christ changes everything and I tend to go that direction in Part Two. Here I am not trying to discuss suffering as much as I am trying to highlight this notion of a “culture of sorrow” although the two, as you pointed out, cannot be completely separated. And perhaps one drives the other. Thanks for commenting.
Melissa, I appreciate you sharing these thoughts from the sermon. I am totally the opposite. I have such an optimistic view of life and love to laugh and have fun. I often get comments like “would you just be serious!” or “that really was not funny!” and I feel like others do not take me seriously until I get somber and sad and talk very slowly and mechanically. My husband even says that on my tombstone he will write, “She who laughs, lasts!”. I feel the world is such an evil and sad place, that we as bearers of Christ’s Spirit should reflect His joy. I will keep doing this in a world where sad is cool! I’m a Christian counselor and often use laughter as therapy in my sessions. Yes, I weep and mourn with those who weep and mourn, but I don’t “live” in the midst of all the mourning and gloom. I rise above it because I know who is in control!
On parenting:
I realized fairly recently that anytime I would have someone ask about my children (or make a positive comment about them in the grocery store or wherever) I was totally turning it into something negative every single time. I for some reason felt like I HAD to and I have no idea why. For example, if I was in the grocery store and somebody commented on how cute my kids were, I felt compelled to say “Oh, well, they are a mess!” or if they said “Oh! What sweet children!” I’d say “At the moment they are!” Or “Boy you have your hands full!” I’d say “Yes! It’s crazy!”
What a terrible habit to be in especially as my kids grow older (they’re toddlers now) and start to REALLY listen to every single word I say. I have since changed my ways and try to always be positive and say things like “Yes I think they’re beautiful!” or “Yes, they’re very sweet and obedient!” or whatever. I had never thought of the “culture of sorrow” thing but I think this totally fits in with what you’re saying. I look forward to Part 2!!
Mary- Thanks for sharing- I had an epiphany while reading your post- I do that too! I am going to work on having more positive comments about my son. I think I do it because I have a complex that people might think I have it easy because I stay at home with my son. If they say how sweet he is I want to tell them that he’s not like that all the time so they don’t think my life is easy. I am validating myself at my son’s expense.
I did this very thing today. I was at Costco with my twins(9mos) my son(3) and my daughter(6). We bumped in to the aid who was in my daughters class this year. She said, “Wow are you busy! and always smiling!” Instead of laughing and saying what great kids I had I said, “it’s either smile or cry!”
Is it guilt we feel over the blessings we have that we know some don’t? Do we feel like we are bragging when we say things are good?
GREAT things to ponder!
I think I would’ve said Wow, too! I’m sure you ARE crazy busy, but God gives you the strength you need!! I can hear it in your writing, you have a lot to smile about! This is when I would love for us to be able to put pics on our replies. I bet you have a beautiful family–you have a beautiful heart! I only had two and there were times I tho’t I couldn’t make it through a day–I so wish Beth, her studies and this blog was around when mine were little!
Correction to my reply ~ it should’ve been ‘and’ instead of ‘but’! I know you know where your strength comes from!! Funny how a little three letter word can change what I meant to say!! Sorry!
Sad, but true. There are times I feel like people are just looking for something to be wrong with us so they can comfort us . .. or something. I have met people who almost feel guilty for being happy.
What I do know to be true is that in those sad or difficult times in my life, God has delivered me, ministered to me, given me hope and restored me. It didn’t usually happen over night, but it was deep and lasting.
I have noticed this, not only in our culture, but in my own life, and it took me a while to put words to it, which you have done nicely, and it sounds like Mr. Work has, too. I realized that I was living with the expectation of bad things happening, so I wouldn’t “let” myself be fully happy. Being free from this is huge for me. Thanks for this post.
Interesting…I do think we see the brooding person as a deeper person. This is a bit of a stretch for an example, but I remember coming back from Centrifuge camp in New Mexico, where God had really done something in my life. Those of us that went had to get up in front of the church that next Sunday and talk about camp. After I came back and sat down my best friend (who didn’t go) told me I was “too perky”. Hmmm…perky…not “Wow, God really did something in your life” but perky. Definitely made an impression on me because that was the summer before my 9th grade year and well…let’s just say I’m way past 9th grade now. lol
I don’t like what that says about our culture, but as we (as a culture) drift farther away from God, won’t we get more and more depressed? I would think that alone would call Christians to be the light, because there won’t be a lot of light around.
I have found myself in that trap of needing to find a complaint about marriage and young motherhood. When in fact I love my hubby and children – even the little one that won’t sleep! đ Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I’m a reasonably intelligent person that’s “perky”. Nothing wrong w/ that.
Awesome post.
Cynthia in OK
What a thought provoking topic….I couldnt help but think of a few years ago, when the whole “EMO” fad/culture hit our school. It was “cool” to flaunt depression, listen to sad music that was mostly demeaning to one’s own self, wear all black…really the whole thing promoted sadness and hate. Unfortunately, the majority of the kids who got caught up in that movement, also started cutting themsleves…and this was the “cool” thing to do.
so true. i work with a troubled teen who struggles with cutting & drinking, along with sexual issues. she is very dramatic, and she seems to have it in her head that if she doesn’t have problems in in her life to run to us about, we won’t want to have anything to do with her. it’s really sad that she thinks the only way to get attention is to be sad, victimized, or messed up.
to insert hope, she has recently chosen Christ as her Savior and Lord, so she’s trying to grow past this! and what JOY it is!
How wonderful it is that she has made this choice! I am so happy she has someone who will stand by her when life is tough and who will also be with her to celebrate and share the joys of life.
I love to hear how Christian sisters are there for each other. Keep it up!
Danae, on behalf of a mom who has a 15 year old daughter who is going thru a really hard time, thank you for ministering to the girl you are working with. don’t ever give up on her- she needs you! Blessings!
I agree – in a general way – that the culture does think “sadder is cooler.” I think part of what creates this response is the way our culture handles what it might call “joy.” “The Happy” that our culture serves up: in our media, literature, magazines, movies, tv, etc. – is so usually a far cry from anything truly joy-filled. It is usually a glossy version of “Cool Circumstances” that for the receiver (reader or viewer or listener) are supposed to resemble joy/happiness.
Because we, as believers, know that true happiness – or joy – is rooted in right relationship with God and right relationship with others -so often the version of “joy” the world gets served by the world – isn’t joy at all. It’s just a fun / interesting/ entertaining / distracting circumstance.
Once the circumstance has passed (ie. the date is over, the movie credits roll, the last page is turned, the party shuts down) then “the world” — side note: have never written in such generalizations – but am supposed to be heading out the door to dinner. Yikes! — is only left with the gnawing realization that they are so empty, so absolutely empty of anything (they may not know it’s not a “thing” they need; but a Person) that would remotely fill them up.
And that is the context for where, I think, “Sad is Cool” is born. Sad feels imminently more authentic than the false joy that everyone knows, deep down, is not joy at all – but is just a “soul bandage” (antiquity terminology: a broken cistern. But whom among us has cisterns these days?).
Alright siestas – I really must go. I want my family to love Siestaville – not begrudge it!
(I’m going to come back on here tomorrow and wonder if I made a stitch of sense!)
I think you hit the nail on the head with this post. Joy and happiness certainly seem to be confused. Thus, when the circumstances change, sorrow takes over and dominates. I’m so anxious to see the second half of this post to hear Work’s antidote to this culture of sorrow. I believe I know the answer, but I’m anxious to hear his (and Melissa’s) take.
I also think you’re right on! This IS a really thought-provoking topic. Thank you, Melissa! Why DO we tend to think that gloomy is cooler? It may be that we don’t have a true understanding of joy. I also think it may be because we’ve lost our thankfulness. We struggle to be grateful for seemingly “little” things, like air to breathe, green grass, rain that falls, birds that sing, etc, etc. If we learn to “give thanks in everything”, then our joy factor is increased. When we don’t live in thankfulness then the only authenticity we see is sorrow, because “in this world we will have trouble”. But joy and thankfulness is found in the next part.. “but take heart, I (Jesus) have overcome the world”.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense! =) I need to ponder more…
“Joy is liable to be taken as immaturity or ignorance”.
I’m a generally happy person, but it seems like people do not lend any “creedance” to one another if there isn’t any “sadder” going on/happening.
Just sayin’.
Love,
Yolanda
I think the saying comes from the fact that the baby was the last to get the bath back in the day when everyone used the same water..I might be wrong.
This was a wonderful post…very thought provoking…thank you!
You know the thing I love about my church and group of ladies in my womens group is that we are happy…Joyful in Christ…I feel truly blessed to be part of it.
Laura, I think you are right about the bathwater. Dad bathed first, then mom, oldest child down to youngest. Water was dirty enough at the end that one might not have seen the baby when going to dump the water. Probably no Johnson & Johnson smell on that baby’s head!
This is hilarious and gross at the same time! I’ve heard this all my life, but never heard the meaning behind it!! Thanks for the lesson!
It does stem back from early in American History, baths were usually taken once a week, starting with the oldest ending with the youngest, all used the same bath water (gross!). The last to get a bath was the baby.
Susie! Ha ha! That is so gross! -Melis
It actually goes back further than that. In the 1400 -1500s , May was the month in which the “annual bath” occurred. So you can imagine that by the time it got to the baby the water was lovely! First mentioned in literature in 1512 in Thomas Murner’s versified satirical book Narrenbeschwörung.
Also did you know that this May bath is also the reason it is traditional to get married in June (well what bride wouldn’t want to smell nice on her honey moon!)
I think that this is, to a degree, spot-on. It’s also not helped by people who are not genuinely happy *pretending* to be carefree and delighted with everything that goes wrong. That kind of thing fuels the “cool people” thinking that melancholy is the only true feeling.
About a decade ago, I was hospitalized for depression. I can distinctly remember coming back to work and wondering what on earth I would talk about since I didn’t feel so hopeless. There’s a whole “psychology of depression” thing that happens so that people take what began as something that needed to be treated and turn it into a lifestyle. By God’s grace, I didn’t go that route. I can honestly say that I am content now (a most delightful state). And I do talk less…but that just means I can listen more.
Stacy, I agree with your point about those who pretend to be happy and carefree fueling the melancholy, etc. Thanks for your comment and especially your insightful words about your experience with depression. Hope you have a great evening! -melis
Stacy,
I read your comment,” There’s a whole “psychology of depression” thing that happens so that people take what began as somehthing that needed to be treated and turn it into a lifestyle” and it blew me away.
Girlfriend, you hit it dead on. I too, spent a long period of time in my life in various states of depression. But praise God, no longer!
I actually told my husband the other day, “Honey, I think I finally know what it is to feel happy.”
Thanks for sharing.
love this post! great thoughts, melissa – thanks for sharing. i’m definitely going to be picking up work’s work [haha!] b/c i love any book on the disciplines. but this “culture of sorrow” thing really peeked my interest, too. working with teens, i find his statements to be so very true. it’s more accepted to be sad, hurting, even depressed. happy people are looked at as “too chipper” and “shallow.” and you’re not the only one who feels the need to “sadden down” their happiness, to give an untruthful answer to the “how are you doing?” question.
i’ve also noticed, even in myself, that it takes more than i’d like to shake me. if there’s a natural disaster, it takes a ridiculous number of casualties for me to be moved to compassion. as a christian, i should and want to be moved to empathy over the loss of even and especially ONE!
these are things we really do need to reflect on as christians, considering JOY should be one of our hallmarks! i’ve often wondered how we are to distinguish ourselves in our culture. we can’t just depend on the good works of taking care of widows, orphans, the poor, and other outcasts of society. nowadays, that’s popular even among non-christians. take a look at the hollywood scene for good examples. and while i’m so glad more people are showing compassion to others, i wonder what else we can do to show Christ. there are of course many other wonderful things we can do on top of these good works, but after reading this small excerpt, i’m convinced that JOY might be one of the major distinctions!
I agree that these quotes say what I have not been able to put in the rights words as you said. I have often been taken for a simpleton simply because those hurdles in life meant to trip me up have only solidified my joy in the Lord. I recall when I went through two miscarriages that the sorrow gave me credibility in my walk. When I chose to walk in a heart of joy and a spirit of praise, somehow, the sorrow was negated and I was again a simpleton. That or its all in my head which is likely as well. đ I am eager to read about the balance of sorrow and joy. I recognize I have sorrow over my sin and the sacrifice Jesus paid but I would be a fool to dwell in it perpetually rather than dance in the knowledge and living out in the free gift of eternal life with a Savior who desires to spend said eternal life with me an a close an spiritually intimate relationship. Just thinking of it wells joy up in me to near overflowing. I grieve sin but to dwell perpetually in that grief will only foster more sin rather than leaving it at the cross and taking up the joy and peace afforded us through the salvation and sanctification of Jesus Christ given us those many years ago. Oh, how easy it would be to stay there, milk it for all its worth but God’s strength and determination wells up within me and I could no longer stay in that place than stay laying in one position in my bed when every cell in my body says pick a new position. đ
Wow. It sounds like Work is an insightful writer! I am definitely going to pick this one up đ I agree that we are surrounded by a culture of sorrow, however, I feel that sorrow that is self-imposed is the exact opposite of wise – or cool.
Don’t get me wrong, my opinion about sorrow is not to be confused with true grief and bereavement that wells up from within or true suffering because of abuse, but the exact nature and root of sorrow is “mental suffering”. Tell me – how does the average person “mentally suffer”?…it is my opinion that they are trying to control an outcome by thinking about circumstances.
I feel that those who take up residence in the culture of sorrow are those who want someone to take a seat on their couch of pity. It doesn’t take much maturity to use circumstances to build self esteem by trying to gain a few compassionate ears that unknowingly add stuffing to that same couch.
Good post Melissa! Thanks so much for sharing đź
I totally see the truth in that as it relates to culture at large. However, in my personal life, I don’t see it. I recently felt like people were tired of my grief and wanted me to move on–put on that happy face so we all feel comfortable. I am not trying to sound like I have never felt that same way, though. đ
I totally get that too– these instances are why I really wanted to be careful about making sweeping generalizations.
Melissa,
i love your posts! wow!wow! T.Works “hit the nail on the head” i’m with you …. i would have written this myself if i had known how to explain it.
Melissa, I’m with you! What an eye-opening thought! I will definitely be pondering this one for a while. wow. I’ve been involved in the Arts my whole life, and have definitely felt the disconnect of not appearing to be as “deep” as others because I’m a basically peppy person. At times I’ve been blown off as being “flighty” simply because of my positive outlook. I’m actually a very intellectual person who savors deep conversations; I just have a hard time holding in my enthusiasm as well! I have had many moments that because my natural pep :), I have been stereoptyped.
Thanks for posting. This puts words to a struggle I’ve thought about but never heard expressed as such.
You have just described me to a tee! It is so wonderful when someone can speak the words that only you yourself could have spoken……..if only you had known how to speak them! See, I can’t even write a comment without using exclamation points throughout the entire entry! And it is really all very genuine….I even had a friend of mine tell me today that she would sometimes look at me with my big smile ( I smile ALOT!) and think to herself (sarcastically) gee, I’m glad you have something to smile about. That breaks my heart to hear that people can actually be offended when we have genuine joy in our lives. I think that is one reason we pretend to be unhappy when we really are not. We don’t want to “offend ” someone. Now, i am not talking about showing defferance to those who are truly greiving or are going through a really tough time…but our joy in the Lord should always move us to ACTION, not LYING! Action could be simply a hug or a listening ear or just offering our physical presence or help. But we can still have the joy and peace that passes all understanding while we are carrying one anothers burdens. Also, having joy doesn’t always mean walking around with huge smile on our face. It is an inner peace that is seen through contentment.
I like what you said here Natalee. I was thinking something similar… that we have been deceived into thinking it’s insensitive to be happy or joyful b/c so many others are suffering. How unbiblical! But there are so many sides to this whole “culture of sorrow”… trying to think about and care about the suffering in the world, reading the newspaper (how can we just be happy after watching/reading the news???), the issue that somehow our testimonies are more valid if we’ve suffered somehow… even Jesus was a “Man of Sorrows” right? But we’re told to rejoice and be thankful and grateful that we are victorious over and over and over!!!!! What a confusing mess! I’m looking forward to Part Two. : )
wasn’t there a seinfeld episode about this? george doesn’t want to introduce jerry to his girlfriend because george is afraid she will think jerry is funny. so instead of being his usual funny self, jerry acts all depressing around george’s girlfriend. then (in a classic seinfeld twist of irony) the girlfriend ends up liking jerry over george because she thinks jerry is deep and troubled. hahaha đ
in all seriousness though, the book sounds like it has an interesting premise. i’m gonna order a copy of it tonight. i’m always looking for a good book recommendation and this sounds like it is right up my alley. thanks melis!
Amy, I should give you a heads up that the book is not actually about this topic. This topic is only in the epilogue, but I think you should still buy the book. It is interesting on a number of levels.
okay – thanks – i will đ
Melissa,
I am in my mid-thirties and I have come to realize that there are a significant number of people that I come in contact with who are simply NEGATIVE. Nothing is ever good or right or blessed. It’s always a poor me syndrome ….or look what I’m going through… or isn’t that just the way life is… or why can’t things just go right for once…etc. So many people tend to focus on the negative things and forget to focus on the positively profound blessings that are poured upon them daily.
So do we have a culture of sorrow? Yes, I think we do. And it rears its ugly head in more ways than one across generational and demographic boundaries.
Love this conversation–can’t wait for Part Two! đ
Prayers and blessings,
Rebecca
p.s. You said that you were out of classes for now. Does that mean that you will be continuing your education in the future? If you are like me, you are what some call a professional student. I’m always learning and always wanting to take more classes–even if it doesn’t lead to another degree! đ
I am not familiar with the book and have no idea if this is in any way valid or relevant, but what came to my mind is this:
I have always been pessimistic. It has improved lately, but still lingers. I believe most of my pessimism came from deep emotional pain rooted in childhood trauma. As an adult, my constant desire to share my troubles with others was both an external expression of internal pain and also a vain attempt to find comfort or anesthetic for that pain, hoping that someone could fix it.
So, consider society today – broken families are becoming the norm, the foundations of church tradition and godly morals are diminishing, and maybe most significantly, electronic devices are replacing human connection.
Could it be that due to lack of family structure including healthy bonding with others and Jesus is causing many people to be emotionally empty? Maybe the lack of relational and spiritual nourishment is causing internal angst in many people, and maybe those people cannot even recognize the real issue or the solution (the solution being imtimacy with God and healthy relationships with others)? Maybe the sad pictures are popular because other people relate to that emotion?
I wonder, do pictures of Christian artists have the same pain-filled themes? Seems like when I see Lisa Pierre, she is smiling.
Idk, but what I do know is that in finishing the semester last month, I was spending a great amount of time in the Word, and there was a noticable difference in my attitude and demeanor by graduation.
As Beth has taught – God’s Word is omnipotent. Maybe our culture needs us some WORD.
Michele,
I can say that I have been a pessimistic a lot of times in my life and you are right,I to believe some of this comes from emotional pain rooted deep within me. Accepting Christ has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. While praying for wholeness and hoping God would deliver me from my past wounds, I found at times I didn’t know how else to be. Painful, emotional, messed-up states was “normal” for me. Does that make sense? For me it is truly learning how to live—–FREE. What a process. Thanks for sharing
Yes, I totally understand what you are saying! It is so hard to learn to be positive and healthy when you’ve never experienced it.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to worship with Lisa Pierre because she just radiates JOY with her entire body, as well as her singing.
( I had that privelege and blessing this Spring when I was in Houston for three weeks and attended three Tuesday nights of Beth’s lectures.)
Wow! Three nights of Lisa leading worship and Beth teaching, lucky duck! I’m jealous, but so happy for you!
And I agree with you, Lisa is awesome!
Good grief, you should try being an English major. I made the mistake of signing up for a creative writing class in fiction once. As it turned out, only one type of fiction was considered acceptable. Any story that emphasized plot, or had a satisfactory (never mind happy) ending was considered “pulp”. The emphasis was on the psychology (read: neuroses) of characters. Any other type of story appeared naive in comparison.
If I had to speculate, I would say that it is part of a rejection of faith by those who produce cultural artifacts like books and movies. After all, most of us prefer books with page-turner plots and happy endings. Why despise what sells? I think because the writer can only postulate happy endings when he or she believes in something bigger than themselves that can make that happen, and the makers of art in our culture consider that kind of faith to be unsophisticated.
It is interesting how quickly the abandonment of faith leaves us without hope. If the only truth we trust is the “truth” we are pulling out of our own hearts, how depressing is that?
Yep…does Oprah ever pick happy books?
Not that I can recall!
wow…I really need to get this guy’s book. I said in my head, “Man! That’s EXACTLY what’s been going through my mind!” before I read your reaction.
This “culture of sorrow” is so very evident. I don’t mean to hate on churches or groups, but sometimes it even seems that if you don’t have a prayer request (as opposed to a praise), you are somehow “not doing something right” or aren’t being honest. Yes, there are always things to pray for, but sometimes it’s not a “woe-is-me” or life-or-death thing.
I feel like I’ve struggled with this “culture of sorrow” in a different way, though. Because there are those people who are always complaining or always have to find something wrong (like the ones asking you the “reality” of your marriage), sometimes I feel like I can’t ask for prayer/guidance for something legitimately wrong for fear of being labeled “one of THOSE people with something wrong all the time.” Does that make sense?
It comes into better perspective for me after having read what Work has said, and your comments as well. It’s such a revelation of the enemy’s tactics to blind us from the joy that GOD has blessed us with!!
Oh yeah, Beth! I’m right with you in your thinking! Sometimes it’s hard to not feel guilty that things are going so well in your life.
Dear Melissa,
Oh my! You’ve opened my can of worms! Shall I share??? My name is “sharon”… I feel I have permission to “share-on”! đ
One thing I find crazy about this “culture of sadness” (as you’ve called it), is that we not only seek sadness in our own lives, but we find great “entertainment” in the sadness of others!
I have thought lots about this subject over the past several years. And here is my conclusion: We all (okay, maybe not all, but MOST of us) SEEK and feel we have NEED for a BIG FEELING!!!! So… if we can’t find euphoria in a overwhelmingly happy feeling of some kind or another over something…. then, we’ll seek an overwhelming feeling of sadness (whether it’s a sadness of my own, or a sadness of something that I’ve heard about somebody else because I don’t have my own great sadness of the moment going on). We do this simply to get the big feeling. For we want to FEEL BIG… and FEEL LOTS… And crazily, a mono-tone feeling lacks, for it’s not only boring, but it doesn’t feel enough!
Does that make sense?
And too… here’s something else that I’ve noticed (again, my conclusion of it anyway)… If we are overflowing in our “happy”… it’s something that often times, surprisingly, is NOT fun to share. Why? Because when we share our great wonder, that something wonderful that’s happened in our life, oft times the people we’re sharing it with won’t share in it with us. It doesn’t make them happy. They won’t even go there. They can’t. They’re jealous, envious. They’re not happy for you, because they don’t feel what you have, and they’re jealous that you do.
But girl, you share a sadness or sorrow of some kind….. and you’ll have an audience. You’ll have a support group. You’ll have people that love to pull up a chair and pity with you in your party! They’ll bring their pity too….. and get drunk, intoxicated, greatly engulfed under the influence with you…. and the whole lot of you can spend the night together “enjoying” your moment. With enough left over to call another girlfriend and share it with her in the morning! Or, better yet, post it on facebook! Send out an email. Let’s all “ooh” and “ahh” over some horror together. We’ll share it for lunch and bask in it over coffee. We’ll share it with everybody we come in contact with.
Try that same thing with something “happy” that’s going on in your life… and it won’t go far.
Though we’re older, our Kindergartin past-time of “show and tell” hasn’t past us yet. We like to show-and-tell. We like to have something to share. And we like for others to like what we’re showing them. We like to make them feel! And sadly, watch people, you’ll get more of a reaction and a longer one when it’s more of a sorrowful thing than a glad one!
I may be wrong. And I do hope I am. But watch people. I’m afraid that I’m more right about that than I’d like to be.
Hmmm… okay. I probably ought to go back and re-read what you said before posting my comment? I probably totally missed your point and all that I’ve accomplished here is in making myself look like an idiot. I’ll post… and then go back to read later. I may hate myself in the morning. Though I will say though, I am feeling a big feeling of happy.. and I am totally content to stay there! đ
Thanks so much for sharing. You don’t sound “like an idiot” – you sound like a teacher / writer. I really appreciated the points you brought out ~ It is weird how sad will have a bigger audience than happy. How did “happy” in our culture become so trivialized?
Warm in Alaska (oh wow, that sounds fun!),
Thanks for saying I don’t sound like an “idiot.” It’s nice to know that someone can following my line of thinking. You summed it up so well. You said in a few words what took me a lot of words to say. I love that!!! đ And yes, it’s very sad!
Blessings to you from VERY HOT in Alabama!
Sharon,
you are so RIGHT! I am always scared to share a happy thought, feeling or event with people because they may rain on my parade. But sorrows, griefs or fears will always be appreciated.
wow. how twisted is that!
Deirdre
Dear Deirdre, Let’s be committed and determined to share happy anyway. It’s a hard world out there, we NEED some happy!
Wow. Great insight on needing BIG feelings. Hit a mighty nerve on that one. I have a child with heart defects and within the congenital heart community I’ve noticed that if we’re not careful we can get so focused on the sadness and suffering instead of joy for the days when we aren’t in the hospital etc. Interesting to note that ‘the world’ gives much more reinforcement for the culture of sorrow especially as it relates to illness.
Wow, Kelly, when seeing it from your perceptive. May God rock your world in His wonder so that it’s His greatness that plasters your front page News everyday to the audience that He’s given you because of the place that you’re in. I will pray for your sweet child!
Thanks for helping me to collect my thoughts in response to Melissa’s post! I was thinking the same thing about the good things not being well received. And I think it’s because they trigger the INSECURITIES of those around us. Can you tell I just finished our group study of the book? If I share from my joy then others feel bad that they don’t have what I have, but if I share from my misery then others can quietly feel better about what is happening in their own lives!! And they openly can express sympathy while inwardly thinking at least their situation isn’t that bad which does make them feel better. Also, somewhere deep within isn’t there the feeling that “bragging” is not a good thing? And yet shouldn’t we “brag” about the blessings of God to His children? Very interesting to think of it as a cultural phenomenom though.
Thanks for stirring deep thoughts, Melissa!
Melissa,
Great post…
I was actually thinking about this very concept just today. As a child of the 70’s I was in my young 20’s when a very popular angsty Baby Boomer tv show, “Thirtysomething” was extremely popular. Seeing it recently released in DVD, I purchased it – as I remember reveling in the “honesty” of the storylines, and drama when it played live in the early 90’s. Listening to the writer’s commentary this afternoon – I was struck by one of the writers talking about a theme in the show — that each episode was written to increase the characters’ awareness of the world, their own souls, and that weekly they would come away from each episode story with “a greater knowledge, and a greater sadness”… That phrase has been with me all day — their underlying supposition that the pursuit of reflection, for these characters – and the knowledge of themselves and the world around them would result in sadness – and for the writers – therein was the beauty, and the art.
Which on one hand – I agree with. That sans the cross, without the context of Jesus – these reflections can create a deeper sadness when pondering the vulnerability and frailty of the situation. I find that a grace of God’s design – that some of that reflection, leads to an emptiness, and hence perhaps a search for something.
However, in reading your piece, I was also struck by the deviousness of an enemy — whose sole purpose is to lie, kill and destroy. To rob us of the life that God has for us — and keep us in our sadness. And how fascinating that we live in a culture that not only perpetuates that sadness, but labels it as cool. What a strategy – for if we presume that our sadness is our enlightenment, why would we pursue the true enlightenment of Jesus.
Which is precisely why Paul says that the power of the Gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing…
Jesus…help us willingly in this case, be the “fool”
Shawna
Shawna, I see just what you mean! I was thinking the same thing how that true sorrow can bring hope. The enemy is so devious in this. Well said.
Great post. Sorrow, how do you describe it. Often, I think of grief. Recently some dear friends lost both their sons in a tragic car accident. The mother buried one son on Sunday and her youngest died the next day. Is it “deeper” to share in this sorrow. I had no desire but to lament, as Jeremiah did. Tears streamed down my face all through “worship” that Sunday. Do we always have to feel good? There is a sacred sorrow that we may confuse with this “culure of sorrow”. Thanks from a very optimistic joyful person.
Mercy4drew, what you are sharing is unimaginable suffering. I was highlighting the way Work uses his phrase “culture of sorrow” which I don’t think is precisely the same thing as the kind of suffering you alluded to– although I also recognize that the two are not mutally exclusive. I will try to get further into this issue in Part Two.
Melissa,
Very thought provoking!! I am going to check Amazon for the book.
I know for sure “the cooler” person will suck the life out of you. I personally would like to be seen as not having a thought in my head than be “wiser” by our cultures standard! I just told my daughter just the other day that maturity is overrated!!
Anticipating Part 2,
Stacie
Dear Melissa,
Your post reminds me of a book I read this weeked called-Radical: Taking Your Faith Back from the American Dream by David Platt. It was challenging, but right on. Check it out. I think you would like it. It has a great challenge/dare at the end that is very good too!
Love to you-
Pam
Oops-Correct Title is Radical:Taking Back your Faith from the American Dream by David Platt
Pam
Pam, I just finished reading Radical by Platt. Wow. Our entire way of life in America, be it a culture of sorrow or anything else, has veered off the mark, hasn’t it? I’m still trying to process the whole Radical idea and work on the courage to change.
Hi Nancy,
How fun that you’ve read that book too! Did you take the challenge at the end? It’s exciting to see God use resources like books about these issues to help us do/be who He’s called us to be, and how He calls us to live. You CAN DO ALL that He is calling you to!!! Very exciting, and freeing too!!!:)
Many blessings to you!
Pam
I actually wrote about that once…. about wanting to “pity in our party.” I thought this was the post I was thinking about. Re-reading it, I’m not sure that it is. But still, it reminds me a bit of what we’ve discussed here. If you’ve a mind to you can click here (http://sharon-justsaying.blogspot.com/2009/12/dont-rock-dead.html) to see my weird way of thinking.
Melissa,
Thank you for such a thoughtful post. I think the notion of a “culture of sorrow” is very true and absolutely the more terrible the situation the more attention that seems to be paid. I don’t get it. I try to live my life counting my blessings even when I am facing some tough challenges head on. I believe that the Holy Spirit enables me to live a life of peace and gratitude instead of sorrow during those difficult times. The Holy Spirit gives me the freedom to find joy even in the midst of sorrow. I guess the question is “Am I okay with not being “cool” according to society?” The cool factor is of man — not of God. I choose happy. I choose joy. The promise of salvation can’t help but give me peace and a smile….
I love your discussion posts, Melissa!
Let’s see…. I think this idea of sadder is cooler goes way back. It’s not just our modern culture. Think of the Byronic romantic ideal – the distant brooding man was seen as desirable (ex: Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre).
It seems that this is once again in vogue. I don’t understand it. I have known too many truly joyful very wise and intelligent people to believe the myth that sadder is wiser. I guess some people do find the morose, melancholy of some intriguing. When I meet people like that I don’t immediately think wise or cool – I feel pity.
Give me a joyful spirit anyday! I think that is what lead me to the convent. I found a bunch of truly joyful women serving God. We have had our share of sorrows (some of them profound)and life isn’t always the idyllic dream some imagine but at the end of the day. There is joy because our God is faithful.
Joy is the most infallible sign of the presence of God – Leon Bloy
Joy is the flag that flies over the castle when the King is in residence. – unknown
Thanks again for posting this!
Sister Lynn
I wanted to clarify that I don’t mean there is no place for sorrow – there most definitely is (and it may last for some time) but I find it troubling when that is someone’s most defining characteristic and the lens through which they view the world.
I hope to really settle on the place for sorrow (and joy) in the Christian life in the next post. Let me know if you have any thoughts on the place for sorrow before I post! xoxo
I think the real beauty of sorrow in the Christian context, is that there is nothing that in the Christian’s life that we will experience that is outside of the cross – and so we experience even gripping sorrow, but fruit and life can come from it — EVEN if that is not fully tasted this side of heaven. We serve a God who will restore what the locusts have eaten… and who in the mystery of his design allows for the depth of experience to bear fruit in us. Love some of the Dorothy Soelle reflection on suffering – that one of the names that God responds to, is the cry of his children. But sorrow and joy in these contexts have the aspect of being ultimately for our growth, blessing, rejuvination – again, even if we don’t see these things this side of heaven. While the sadness we pursue as an end in and of itself – the trendy angst — makes one wonder if we are feeding that which should not be fed…
Shawna, I really appreciate your comment . . . especially about sadness that was pursue as an end in of itself. Thanks. -melis
We grieve but not as those without hope. Jeremy Camp’s There Will Come a Day is the song that comes to mind. We suffer but with full awareness that our suffering will end in heaven.
As believers, we know that sorrow, suffering, and anguish certainly have a place in drawing us closer to and more dependent upon our Savior. We know that those valleys are unavoidable in life and we can continue to have *joy* in those times by resting in His sovereignty and love. That’s what we are called to do, but that is certainly not what our culture considers to be normal behavior. And that is not the sorrow to which the author refers.
What I find so incredibly profound about Work’s commentary is that by and large as a culture, we are expected to be depressed and jaded if we want to be taken seriously or be considered intellectual.
It is assumed that if we are at peace and have joy- then we haven’t “been through anything” or we are naive and going through life with a Pollyanna complex.
We make sarcastic quips when someone displays happiness in the morning, or we roll our eyes when we hear a fellow sister complement her husband. We think the happy wife must be an idiot with her head in the sand and the happy mom must be on insane amounts of Valium.
Yes, we are certainly expected to be sour.
What a great post! I cant wait for part 2!
Love,
Jami
Sister Lynn,
I love to read your responses! What you said here is profound to me in that I would conisder myself one whose past definining characteristic in life has been sorrow and pain. But I am learning now that I do not need to use the cover of sorrow and suffering in my life to ensure that others “care about me” or have an interest in me. It most definately is a way for people of shallow faith to seek that only which God can provide. This I say from my own experience, not to condemn others. I was one of shallow faith and I am now learning to not be the victim and to walk in faith over fear. It is a deep topic but one that I will ponder for while.
Melissa: Thanks for the converstation starter and opener. It will be interesting to see what the second part will discuss.
Thanks Sister Lynn, I loved hearing from you and what wonderful quotes. Much love to you. -melis
I am totally enjoying all the comments to this post.
You mentioned the place of sorrow and joy in the Christian life. Here are my thoughts.
Everything is meant to teach us of God’s love and mercy. Sorrow and joy are both instuments of this. They are two sides of the same coin.
Sorrow is how we can connect to God.
Joy is how we can reflect God.
It has been in times of sorrow that I have felt God’s presence the most. He is close to the broken hearted!
And it has been a joyful heart that has brought me more compliments and been the door through which I can witness to my faith.
So… there is a place and necessity for both in the Christian life.
But in our world and this culture of sorrow has separated from God and hence – there is no value to the suffering. Its just painful.
Anyway – I love reading these comments!
Blessings in abundance – sister Lynn
I love the idea of sorrow and joy being two sides of the same coin! So true Lynn!
I was thinking of the quotation “Ignorance is bliss” and I think that is sometimes how “happy” people are perceived: that they don’t really know what’s going on around them, because if they were truly aware, how could they be so happy? And honestly if I allow myself to dwell on and think about all the injustice and tragedy in things, I could get sucked into a real state of sorrow… and even Godly sorrow about what a sinful people we are. So much of our cultural sorrow seems to me to be steeped in a hopeless vacuum where there is not even the hope of a future, let alone a future with joy. But I think that is what we as Christians need to demonstrate: that even amongst the tragedies of life, of death, of disease, there is opportunity for true joy that is rooted in the hope of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I’m sure we have all seen amazing Christian people,and know some even personally, who have encountered terrible sorrow and grief, but in the end hold their souls up bright and high and choose to reflect God’s joy in the midst of the tragedy. What an amazing testimony to His true Hope!
Sister Lynn- I love that you are faithful and visible within this blog. I appreciate your comments at 10:50. I need to really camp on that for awhile I would love a 24 hour retreat at your convent. Melissa, what do you think?
Elizabeth and Traci,
Thanks for the kind words. I love this blog and the space it provides to encourage one another in the faith. May God be praised.
I am currently in our monastery in Tucson since we are doing renovations in Clyde. We do have space for retreatants at both places!
Blessings – sr. Lynn
This is a great post, and I always enjoy Sister Lynn’s perspective. It is interesting that this phenomenon does seem to ebb and flow throughout history. My grandmother and other people of the WWII era seem to have valued a cheerful countenance, stiff upper lip if you will. Strength of character and sacrifice were paramount to their value system. And interestingly enough, my grandmother was a joyful, spirit filled, wonderful human despite severe heart ache.
She would sing, out of tune and at the top of her lungs, “Just as I am” and ” Blessed Assurance” while gardening, cooking and going about her day. She would never complain, and would find the best in all, and had an amazing sense of humor. Life lessons that I try to embrace today.
Ironically, we are a generation that has been given so very much. And yet are so discontent.
You’re right. I feel totally compelled to read a book by Telford Work. Why do I get the feeling that his name is something else spelled backward? Krow Droflet. No, probably not.
I loved this post. And I think “our culture” is very, very much like this. I tend to equate brooding with intelligent and happy with not-so-bright/naive. Your wise-but-joyful mama has helped me recognize that fallacy for what it is.
I try to be real and share the good and bad both. People do seem to relate to me much more when I’m down than when I’m up. And I’m pretty much one big roller coaster.
Looking forward to part 2!
Wow… this has really made me aware of how I talk, think, and even perceive things in and around my life. I have been truly blessed by the posts and have alot to think about. This is life-changing information…THANK YOU!!!
I thoroughly agree with you, Angela! I was thinking the same thing when I finished the reply before yours!
This post will keep me thinking for weeks to come!
Sounds totally true to me!
Reminds me of a time in my life when I felt totally content – I had a nice lil house, hard workin’ husband, two sweet lil toddlers, and relatively little stress – and my mom was convinced that I HAD to be depressed. Because anyone who was home alone so much with two toddlers in a tiny town with no friends – had to be depressed and lonely. But I still look back on that time with only happy thoughts and memories đ
Looking forward to installment two.
Wow, Melissa, you so hit the nail on the head! What a crazy revelation about an “opaque” concept that is accepted and worshipped in our culture.
God’s timing is impeccable b/c I was just shunned by a close friend b/c she thought I was being too negative on the phone. I honestly thought I was being witty and sarcastic, and rather enjoyed what I brought to the conversation. I almost dropped the phone when I found out that she interpreted it as complaining and said she was really worried about how sad I was becoming. After getting over that initial shock of the reality I unknowingly created, I realized that so much of my version of “building intimacy” is old-fashioned complaining. I am still wrestling with this idea and don’t have the answers yet, but I definitely get that being intimate with someone also means revealing the exquisite, unique JOY you might have in your heart about Jesus and what He’s done for your life. Why do we, even as Christians, gravitate toward the negative? I’m glad you raised this topic and am interested to see what other readers think.
I hope this fits or at least adds to the discussion Melissa (by the way, that was such a thoughtful, well-written post). I get tired of the generalization that all of the truly “artistic/creative” people are angst-ridden non-conformist, free-spirits who are just so different from the “rest of us.” Can’t we be creative and normal (or at least semi-normal)? It seems we are to aspire to be emotional wrecks so we can produce something worthwhile.
Linda,
what an interesting observation. what is the line?….. “you DO have to suffer to write”
Deirdre
Wow… interesting!!!!!!!! Especially when you remember what all that David wrote… and all the suffering and anguish he went through that instigated his writing. And then, to think of how much we relate to those psalms. Goodness, at least I’m glad that it also covers the parts where God changes his mourning to dancing. We do mourn alot, don’t we? What is it about us that so often gets stuck in our mourn? I mean, the scripture tells us that sorrow may last for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. The thing of it is… we are mostly prone to fizzle out of our joy awfully fast, when we’ll often milk our mourn for a whole season or two (or three or four!) of moments!
I figured out what I was looking for earlier. Sometimes we get stuck in a yesterday’s season (http://sharon-justsaying.blogspot.com/2010/02/seasons-come-and-seasons-go-or-do-they.html)… And sadly, especially if it’s an unhappy one.
Love this discussion! Something, like you said Melissa, which I have thought myself but certainly couldn’t put in quite the same, eloquent words. Perhaps my way of bringing it up would be more of as a complaint than as a “have you noticed” discussion! Love Work’s observations, especially “name a big pop band that has looked happy in its photos since the Beatles in 1964”. Since becoming a mama 4 and a half years ago I feel like I’ve seen this even more. At times it seems that instead of hearing people brag about how wonderful their kids are, people love to complain and try to one up one another as to who has it worse off. Thankfully not all parents are like this, but I have definitely heard my share of discussions of whose baby cried the most the night before or whose baby took the longest to sleep through the night, whose baby will never take naps… Almost like people are just looking for something to complain about or, like has been mentioned in other comments, perhaps exaggerating the truth to be the “oh, poor you” winner. If we know that there is no way we can fake that we have it better than others, perhaps we can fake that we have it worse than everyone else. Everyone wants to be the best at something, right?
I have been so guilty of complaining about my daughter’s behavior, when she’s actually been a very sweet and loving child! I’ve been convicted about this and instead have been trying to praise her and talk more positively about my kids to others. It seems I talk more negatively when I am stressed and take on way more than I should.
Another silly thing my husband and I have been doing is trying to “one up” each other on how little sleep we’ve gotten. He’s a firefighter and sometimes gets very little sleep, and I’ll complain to him if I couldn’t fall asleep one night or if I had to get up with one of our daughters. Thinking back on this, it seems like such a weird thing to get into a competition about!! I’ve been convicted about complaining so much lately. I want to be the best wife and mom I can be, but not the best complainer!! Yikes!
In my opinion the book/movie The Road became so popular because it was an Oprah book club book. I read the book (did not see the movie) but found it to be VERY dark.Thanks for writing this.
Barb, I thought that might have something to do with it myself đ
I have not seen the movie, but I found the book “THE ROAD” captivating. I was impressed by the father’s heart for his child and the father’s integrity. The author portrayed the father as sacrificing his own life for the ultimate survival of his child. I actually felt that the novel was full of hope because a man could sacrifice and survive because he loved someone so much. – đ
Just look at all the Facebook status updates every day!! đ
Grin.
Very true, Megan!! I’ve noticed this. Except birthdays and anniversaries, it seems sometimes people comment/respond the most to status updates that are sad or depressing. It seems people like to create drama for themselves so they get more attention. :o)
It is very interesting that you’re thinking and reading about this. I’ve been also noticing especially with friends that have somehow got hurt in the church almost wanting to soak in misery/sadness as though by dwelling and putting focus there they were being more real or something like that.
I do agree with Michele, too, in a sense, that there are lot of hurting people that identify with that feeling and probably causing “flocking together” happenings, but I don’t know. It is frustrating, because whenever I do talk about the Power of Jesus, they don’t seem very interested… almost looking at me like I’m being naive or something like that. I say they almost don’t want out of it. Better even, I think they are truly AFRAID that they may really become FREE … because it is unknown, unfamiliar? Don’t know. Reminds me a bit of the strain in the PIT talk Beth had last year.
Look forward to reading the part 2 to see what this Dr. W have to say further!
I so enjoyed reading your post. Dare I say that it made me happy. I agree with you that happy is viewed “in our culture” as brainless and that sour is just honest!
Don’t you think that it is another of the devils best effots at keeping our joy at bay because therin lies our strength. I suppose that from a “world view” ( close cousin of “in our culture”) there is plenty to be sad about, but I am IN this world and I try hard to remember that I am not OF it!! The lost and dying w/o Jesus ARE forlorn and rightly so. But I fight to keep a tight hold on the joy of the Lord….I NEED the strength. There’s a world out there ready and willing to suck the life from you so that you can be miserable with them….now that IS sad!
I also slapped my knee at the point of those we deem famous wearing a stern our emotionless face in order to appear…what? Above human emotion. I want no part of it and forgive me Jesus if I have ever failed to display the true happiness of heart when He has blessed me so richly. Where are our eyes? I intend to lift mine heavenly more often!
Thanks again for the insight, the new read, and the “trip video”! Looking forward to more!
I have been guilty of this wanting to fit in at times, in my workplace. When everyone is full of husband-gripes, I have, in the past, nodded my head in agreement, or contributed a little something, just so I won’t be left out- but then recently I had a huge conviction over this because truthfully, I adore my husband! 13 years and 2 boys and he is still my favorite!
I completely agree with this “culture of sorrow”. Somehow we as a society have deemed sorrow and suffering as a trendy way of communicating. I strongly believe that is in our human nature, in inherent need to relate and/or connect with people that we fall prey to saying things maybe are worse than they really are. I certainly fall prey to this. I catch myself now, having realized this and take a step back and assess why it is I feel so compelled to speak sorrow instead of joy. My sister is struggling with new age thoughts and christian truths and finds Christians to be very “sorrowful” or sad and melancholy which is not what I want her to see. Maybe we should all walk around singing “i’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart!” đ
I hope I’m not one of those pretend to be jolly people but I’m drawn to happy people. Of course, many people tell me I’m just not right. I take that as a compliment, by the way. I’m sixty two years old and as I type am going thru the top ten reasons for a nervous breakdown. So I figure what’s to lose. Think Job on a lesser scale. Haven’t owned a tv since 1992 and only listen to Christian radio so I do avoid alot of stinkin stuff. Is this author a believer? He needs to hang out at my church a bit. Love you guys!
I completely see where we could be in what he calls a culture of sorrow.
I can’t help but wonder what part of it isn’t reinforced — or dare I say propagated — somewhat by our media. In an age where real life happening events are instantaneously broadcast across the globe, and 99% of what is broadcast is negative… what are we training ourselves to expect? Why wouldn’t Hollywood follow suit with what dominates real life as it’s portrayed? Like one commenter said, it takes more and more to move people emotionally. I wonder what the change in cultural attitude could become if even half of our global news were the good things going on in the world? Because we all know there are good things going on everywhere. (A perfect example is the war in Iraq. My husband spent 14 months over there. They watched the news every day. He said what was reported was a fraction of 1% of what was actually going on. SO MUCH GOOD was being ignored by the social media.)
Another thought is, maybe it’s just late and I’m reading way too much into this. đ
Looking forward to reading part II.
Today my husband and I celebrate three years! And they’ve been so, so, so good! However, I feel (like you did) almost guilty when I tell people that. I wait for the rolling of the eyes and the line that comes out of so many women’s mouths “oh you just wait!-you’re still newlyweds.” Huh? Perhaps misery loves company? It’s a weird phenom. It’s almost like we have to live in the non-reality of what ‘our culture’ deems as acceptable and ‘normal’. Perhaps not? But I think that particular piece that Dr. Work wrote is pretty profound. He’s on to something…. very interesting.
Melissa, I’m looking forward to your discussion of joy and sorrow in the Christian worldview. This post reminded me that I love a happy-ending movie, and I don’t enjoy gloomy Woody Allen movies. This does not make me a good movie critic according to “our culture!”