OK. You guys were hilarious yesterday. Honestly, I had to write a number of your quirks down so I’d remember on particularly bizarre occasions that I’m not alone in my psychoses. I have a number of other quirks that I either forgot to share or felt best to keep in the family vault. In the words of the Psalmist David (my particular obsession right now), I could have gotten much more undignified than that.
I am still amused and mystified by one of the earliest ones from a Siesta that shared, “I don’t have a middle name – just an initial ‘M’.” With my wild imagination and hopeless romanticism, as a child I probably would have made up a story about my mother having named me after her own mother who was a famous movie star with a name starting with the letter “M,” who’d had to keep the pregnancy a secret and release her for adoption or else she would have broken her MGM contract but called for her on her very death bed, confessed the truth, professed her love, and gave her jewels…OR she might have named me after a secret agent (no, a double agent is better!) with a name beginning with “M” who she discovered after efforts of trained operatives failed when she accidentally intercepted a Sears catalog with a clandestine envelope tucked carefully into the bathrobe section when she knew she must book an immediate flight to Paris to perform a citizen’s arrest with a sharpened letter-opener only to throw her hand over her mouth in astonishment for there before her stood her mirror image, the twin sister she never knew she had but, alas, she was sworn to secrecy…
Uh hum. Sorry. I forgot you were there.
What are we doing here? Oh, yes! Week Seven of So Long Insecurity! Your discussions were so great last week! I’m hoping these next two chapters will also offer us a few good items to talk about. Your assignment this week is to read CHAPTERS 12 and 13 and answer the following questions. (You will NOT want to miss Chapter 12. It’s what the guys on the survey had to say about women’s insecurities. Don’t wait too long in the week to read Chapter 13 either. It’s a little lengthier.)
1. Based on Chapter 12, name one “I already knew that” moment and one “that’s new to me” moment, if either applies.
2. Based on Chapter 13, how does a weak will play into our insecurity?
I am looking so forward to your answers! Let’s recommit to our journey together even if you’ve already read the whole book. Jump in here and discuss it with us and let’s see several hundred more comments this time. In the spirit of 2 Corinthians 8:11, “Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it.” Translation? Let’s finish strong!
You are a delight to serve. I may mess around with you but make no mistake. I take this role very seriously. May Christ Jesus, our One and Only Deliverer, reveal Himself afresh to you this week with resurrection power and relentless affection. He is so worthy. And, He, Beloved, is our security.
Hey there Beth and fellow Siestas in Christ! I gotta say that everyday I join in this blog, I feel a deeper connection with you, even though I’ve never really even met you. (I’ve seen you, Beth, at a couple of live events here in the panhandle of Florida, and participated in many of your bible studies, which I call “bible aerobics” =) ), but until now I haven’t really felt a personal connection with you and the rest of the wonderful siestas here. So thank you and your daughters, and the whole LPL ministry team for doing this!
Now for my responses to week 7’s homework. I already knew that women who have an obsession with what people think are insecure. However, I never considered that guys view women who dress immodestly as insecure, but it really does make sense. Especially given a man’s innate tendancy to be the “protector” or provider–perhaps that is what causes some men to “act like animals” by ogling women who dress that way. (We need to pray for both sides to receive that fruit of the Spirit called, “self-control”.
In Chapter 13, “The Power to Choose”, I discovered that a weak will plays into our insecurities by enticing us into resorting to relying on our own coping mechanisms to get by. Whether that is how we dress, what we eat, the thoughts we replay over and over in our heads, or eating from the “Tree of good and evil”…the list goes on and on…
As I’ve gone about this week, I’ve recalled David preparing for battle with Goliath and how Saul gave David his tunic and a coat of armor to include a bronze helmet. David discovered that he couldn’t even walk around in that “man-made” stuff, let alone go to battle wearing it! 1 Samuel 17 verses 38-50 describe how David decided to go to battle with Goliath the giant Philistine with only a slingshot and a few stones, and was able to slay that giant with the rock provided by God almighty. Then, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that when I put on the armor of insecurity, it swallows me up everytime. But if, like David, I wear the Proverbs 31:25 “strength and dignity” armor Beth mentions, I too, can face many giants, and win everytime! Hallelujiah! “In Jesus Name, I ‘choose to be’ clothed with strength and dignity”!
Donna B.
43
Panama City, FL
this isn’t really about the discussion group – but I didn’t know where else to post it!!! I wrote a blog post after finishing “So Long Insecurity” that really tells a bit of my story of what it’s done for me. The Lord surely used Beth at an EXACT time in my life when I needed these words….and her words have guided me directly to the Living Word and made me thirsty for Him again. Thank you!!! I would be honored if you would read it – but understand if you don’t have time. I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU from a chronically insecure woman ON THE WAY TO ABSOLUTE REAL HEALING!
http://borderspatrol.blogspot.com/2010/03/so-long-insecurity.html
I just want to say I am thankful for these chapters…they have opened my eyes and confirmed truth to me.
1. “I already knew that” moment….there are women out there who are looking to mess up relationships.
2. Weak will….this was me…and it has caused so much pain. I simply did not believe I had any strength or dignity….and I don’t think I even realized it. I have never wept so much as I have wept these few days…but I am also smiling. There are finally words all over the place for things I have felt in my spirit.
1. Something I already knew is that we as women obsess about our appearance. We are constantly analyzing, comparing, and depressing over how we look. What I did not realize is that babbling is a symptom of insecurity. I hate awkward situations and strive to avoid them as much as humanly possible. Nothing makes an awkward moment like uneasy silence. So in order to prevent that I talk (if the conversation is flowing fine I am content to settle back into my reserved self). I fill the dead air with as many witty comments, nonsensical anecdotes, and usesless information as possible. However, the reason why I do this makes sense now. I am uncomfortable just being still. I am afraid people might think I’m boring or awkward or socially inept if there is any kind of down time in a conversation. How dumb!!
2.My first relationship lasted for 11 months until the Lord stepped in and said “That’s enough.” It hurt at the time but He has revealed so many flaws in that relationship that I praise Him every day that He delivered me from it. One huge thing that sticks out to me is that I was incredibly weak willed. I never wanted to firmly stand my ground or speak my mind for fear of losing this guy. I compromised and did everything I could to avoid arguements or ease tension (thankfully the Lord rescued me from compromising my purity). I lost some of who I was in the relationship because of my insecurity. I thought that if I truly stood up for myself this guy would leave. Since then and through this book, the Lord has done an amazing work in my heart. He has strengthened my will by giving me His.
Rachel
23
Single
1. I think I’m surprised by how the guys in the book could articulate that they’re seeing our insecurity play out. I know my man sees it all the time, but I’m not so sure he could give it a name. After all, I think he believes it’s all related to PMS. Gotta cut him some slack because he grew up with a mom and sister who didn’t suffer like his beloved wife does. Poor guy didn’t have a clue! And that brings me to the next observation…I’m wondering how many of the guys commented on how dang mean we can get when we’re “triggered” by insecurity? I know you said you’d only publish the ones that were helpful…but I’m curious nonetheless. Please know that I’m not nearly as mean as I used to be. God has been busy.
2. This is an area I have been battling for a good two going on three weeks. Everything was fine and dandy (or so I thought) and then I got triggered…BAM! And while I’m feeling better today, I can tell you that it was an all out assault on my mental health this time around. I could not WILL myself to FEEL different. I prayed. I wrote out my scriptures. I spoke the truth over myself. I wrote letters to myself for heaven’s sake!!! And then I felt the shame of not being able to overcome what I should be able to overcome. BUT by the grace and mercy of God HE is showing me where some of these ugly roots of insecurity are. Even took me back to the 6th grade when I was bullied so severely about my developing body that I made a very conscious decision to NEVER let a male make me feel like that again. Instead I became both a victim of emotional predators and at times I could identify myself as an emotional predator depending on the situation. I’ve received a TON of healing in this area, but I know I made agreements with the enemy about myself that were just not true. So I spent time this past week repenting and breaking those agreements. God is healing my heart. I’ll be 38 years old in a couple of weeks and it’s time to stop letting a bunch of 6th graders dictate who I am and who I’m not. I can choose!
married
30’s
Brimfield, IL
1A. I already knew that women ask a lot of “Am I” questions. I have tried to stay away from that to not SEEM insecure:)
1B. I was suprised that I had not put together that insecurity repels. I always thought men like to be the strong one who takes care of the weak woman. I am not usually one who ask for help, but now I understand why my husband gets so upset when I actually NEED him to do something of which I am incapable. I thought he was just being annoyed by me using his strength and time and now I see he is used to me doing everything and is turned off when I can’t.
2. A weak will plays into my security when I determnine to to do the right thing before another challenging incident occurs, then blow it when the during the incident, and then beat myself up afterwards and hear the lies that I cannot gain victory. I become double-minded again and my security is trashed.
1. I already knew that men are repelled by female insecurity. I was surprised that men notice us sizing up other women!
2. When we rely on ourselves, we will never win; we have to be strong and bold, but can only accomplish that with an infusion of God’s grace and strength into our will. Because we are human and weak, we will believe the worst about ourselves (we are not worthy of security/dignity, we cannot gain those things ever, etc) unless our resolve is strengthened and supported by our God of infinite power and love.
1. My âalready knew that momentâ was the fact that men tire of hearing our insecurities and want a secure woman. Of course this is coming from my personal experiences with my husband. He gets so frustrated when I voice my insecurities (which there are many). He doesnât get why I just âdonât do something about it.â This in the turn makes me more frustrated and insecure because I then feel like I am too weak since I donât/canât just do something about them. Much easier said than done kind of deal, right. And in the same sense I feel it is my âitâs new to me moment.â Although I hear it from him I have never really stepped back to look at it from the outside view, especially his. I must come across to him as a complete mess with my mound of insecurities, so no wonder he is tired of hearing them repeatedly.
2. I think that itâs pretty obvious that the weaker our will the more apt we are to sub come to our insecurities directly impart to out weak will. The weaker my will the weaker m self-esteem and self-confidence and the stronger my self-doubt. If I had a strong will I would be strong enough to believe in my abilities and not doubt them. Self-doubt seems to be my biggest area of trouble. It only takes one little though, word, or hunch to all my self-doubt to creep in. And once it is there it gets bigger and bigger until it is too hard to squash. Even when I turn to God in those moment, I have had far too many experiences with my insecurities winning out. Then comes the guilt of letting them win and not relying on Godâs strength to overcome them and proceed in whatever task or event that was at hand. It feels like a viscous cycle to me, one that can quickly send me into a downward spiral. And I know this so that constant so that constant tug of war between my intellectual mind and my emotional mind can drive me crazy. In dialectical behavioral therapy they say to use your âwise mindâ which is the in between or combination of the two but one side always carries so one much more weight that it usually wins (obviously my emotional side). I recently saw your lesson on courage on Wednesdayâs with Beth and boy did that strike a chord with me. My fear of failure and what others think about me keep me from making the courageous secure choice and boy thatâs hard to swallow.
couldn’t find my response so here is a repost of it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lisa
30s
married
KS
As I was reading Chapter 12, Chapters 10 and 11 were percolating in the back of my mind, and I had an “Aha” moment. I realized that while I know and respect men individually, such as my husband, pastor, husbands of friends, and co-workers, I am very guilty of stereotyping men, to use the vernacular in Chapter 10, as devils. Not the right thing for me to be doing!
On to Chapter 12 and 13.
I knew men are not attracted to insecure women, but I was surprised to learn that men view women who dress provocatively as insecure. I suppose I thought they viewed these women as feeling very secure, at least secure about their physical appearance.
From Chapter 13, my conclusion is that a weak will resigns us to the role of being a victim. It’s too easy to just cave in and let others decide and dictate our response, actions, and our worth. I loved the paragraph on page 244 that stated insecurity is a lie about our God-sanctioned condition, and of course we know who the great liar is…. I also loved the advice about a clean fight – in a confrontation the dialogue should never degenerate into WHO is right, but should focus on WHAT is right. That spoke volumes to me as I can find myself wanting to prove my point, at the cost of doing the right thing.
Love and hugs,
â„ â„ Adrienne â„ â„
At long last I am responding. I really had to push through. . .
First of all – Ann from Rockwall TX. You inspire me! Thank you so much for sharing your testimony.
1. I am completely astounded by the general understanding men have about our insecurity issue. It was new to me that they actually prefer a secure woman and are “repelled” by insecurity. The men I work with at first look appear to prefer women whom they can dominate – maybe that is their insecurity showing.
2. I see that a week will has kept me stuck in insecurity. I was blinded to the fact that I have a choice about that too. I have believed the lie that I would be stuck in this spot and there was nothing I could do to actually deal with it. Jesus is not limited in power. Thank you Holy Spirit!
Marcia/50s/married/portland, or
I never knew the cleavage thing…I have always been big “up top” and have spent my life hiding them because I was so insecure that guys would think I was “easy” because they were big. I was told this by a boy in high school mind you!
I knew that guys preferred secure women. My husband used to get really irritated with me when I would question his love for me. But because of God’s grace I am no longer that insecure. I still have work to do but I am no longer insecure about how much my husband loves me.
I spent so much time worrying about what my husband thinks about my cooking, my decision making and taking care of the children that I let him control me in these areas. This book has made me realize that I want to take back what I have given away because of fear that I would do a poor job and it wouldn’t make him happy. Well, no longer. I’m going to do what I can do and I’m pretty sure he’ll be happy with it.
Thank you Beth!
As I was reading Chapter 12 and 13, I had an “Aha!” moment relating back to Chapter 10. I realized that while I respect men that I know individually, such as my husband, pastor, husbands of friends, and co-workers, I tend to stereotype men, to use the vernacular from Chapter 10, as devils. Not a good thing, and I need to correct this habit.
On to Chapters 12 and 13, which I loved….
In Chapter 12, I already knew that men are so definitely not attracted to insecure women, but I was surprised to learn that they view women who dress provocatively as insecure. I suppose I thought they viewed these women as very secure, or at least, secure about their appearance.
From Chapter 13, I think a weak will allows us to fall into the role of being a passive victim. When we don’t stand up in our actions or our self-worth, we allow others to define what will happen in a situation, but more insidious than that, we allow others to define how we feel about a situation and/or about ourselves. I have seen women fall into a strange sort of martyr role when they think they are, or choose to render themselves, powerless in a bad situation. Drives me crazy!
I loved the paragraph on page 244 that talked about confrontation, and the fact that the dialogue should never degenerate into WHO is right, but instead, should focus on WHAT is right. I know I am guilty of wanting so badly to prove myself right in a conflict that any desire to do the right thing flies out the window. This point was huge for me.
Adrienne
40’s & Married
Jasper, TN
Liz
Atlanta, Ga.
30’s
married
1)I already knew that men were more attracted to secure women.
I didn’t realize that they thought incessant talking was a sign of insecurity. I have always assumed just the opposite.
2)I think our weak will is caused by our insecurities. I know many times I have done things that I knew that I shouldn’t, and it was all because I wanted to feel better about myself or wanted someone to think better of me. In the end it did the exact opposite of what I wanted.
Chapter 12: My “already knew that” was that men really are attracted to secure women and they prefer them to insecure women. My “that’s new to me” was the one on dressing immodestly. I didn’t equate that with insecurity, so the fact that guys did really surprised me. I’d always thought the opposite, that they dressed that way because they were proud of their looks.
Chapter 13: A weak will keeps us in a constant state of insecurity. It prevents us from becoming secure because we have no resolve, no backbone. I loved the phrase on page 239 “our relentless fight for security”. If we’re going to be secure, it will take determination on our part and power from the Holy Spirit to walk in security.
susan
long island,ny
50’s
married
1)What was new to me was the fact that incessant talking is linked with insecurity( which I tnd to talk insessantly when upset). I thought in my mind I was trying to communicate information or how I was feeling to someone else. I truly did not see the two lin ked till now.
2)When our will is weak we may not make the right decision( pray about it) or godly decision. The devil can take more of a foothold obn us and confuse us when we are weak. If our thinking is biblical then we can avoid some problems and we can get our strength in the lord. Where we are weak the lord is strong.
Phew…Just finishing this in the nick of time!
1) Chapter 12 was an “Already knew that” moment that I didn’t want to admit. Or maybe it was the other? I knew guys had a pretty good idea of womens insecurity. But I didn’t realize that knew it so well!! I’m kind of glad that they do to be honest.
2) Weak willed and insecurity. Now that is something I’m still thinking on. I have just realized that I had become a very weak willed person through this book. It is actually helping me because I realized that I was so wishy-washy when it comes to standing my ground and I was wondering how on earth that had happened! I think for me that insecurity started me down the path to being strong in God’s will. I would just walk around getting my insecurity triggered and then because I thought so poorly of myself I would just give away pieces of what a truly believed so that I would be liked and maybe if they liked me I wasn’t that bad. I’m not sure any of this made sense to you all but I’m still processing it. They just both feed on each other.
Tulare, Ca
30’s married
1. Overall, I was encouraged to hear from men. I appreciated their honesty and was not surprised by their observations. It certainly served as a fantastic reminder that I am not fooling ANYONE and I am probably annoying my husband with my display of insecurity… “it doesn’t bother me”as I sulk around and snap at him or “its not my fault, I just never have liked/trusted/got along with other girls…” as I attempt to cut off yet another relationship.
2. My weak will gives my insecurity its power and control. I love the reminder that thru Christ I possess the strength to choose a different reaction even before I experience a different emotion. I am praying that God will seal on my heart and mind Prov 31:25 that I will not forget that “I AM CLOTHED WITH STRENGTH AND DIGNITY” I am clothed with strength and dignity. I AM CLOTHED WITH STRENGTH AND DIGNITY!
Just seeing if I’ve got “this”.
1) I knew that men are turned off by insecurity. I did not realize they know we are usually sizing the women around us up (often in my case literally based on their size)
2) It’s easier for me to go along the old road of giving in to and tying insecurity to my negative emotions. That takes no work, suffering, but no work. If I do not purposely choose and will that I am going to take this situation to Christ for his review and input before I react I will not experience change.
BTW a situation came up last week end that triggered insecurity for me but I did this & I reminded myself that I was fully clothed and I did not obsess and stew all day. The next day I learned some facts that changed the whole situation for me. I would have felt so stupid (and would have been so wrong) if I had gone with my normal gut reaction. Yeah! New reaction, new feeling.
Joy
30s, single
California
Patty
Colorado
married
50’s
1. I already knew that women are most insecure in the area of appearance, but I thought I was pretty much the only one who compares myself to other women and feels (very) threatened.
2. A weak will causes us to “buy the lie that we are incompetent, weak and inadequate.” It causes us to doubt our self-worth or to feel self-condemnation or self-hatred. And we continue to spiral down as we react negatively to each different emotion. All the while missing the securitiy that God intends for us to have.
Crystal
Way Up North, WI
46
Married
1) “I already knew that”: When the average guy sees the woman in his life hold her own in the face of intimidation, he is impressed. I recognize this now in my late 40’s…wish I would’ve known this in my 20’s when they were after the cheerleaders!
“That’s new to me”: They show their insecurity by how they dress, the more skin they show, the more insecure they are. I tell my daughter this all the time and it’s nice to see it may be true! My husband has asked me these ?’s for all of our marriage – ‘Why do you worry about how you look and don’t you know how beautiful you are?’ I do work on not asking…and when he tells me I look nice, I say ‘thank you, I feel nice!’ He does like that much better!
2) A weak will allows the lies and the liar to get in and destroy security. A weak will listens to the lies because they want so much to believe the liar.
In the spirit of 2 Corinthians 8:11 – let’s finish strong!
Grace and Blessings!
Chapter 12 response (Originally posted on Sunday)
Siestas,
Have I got a good one for you. This morning for church I opted for the first time to wear a large scarf over my shoulders instead of the jacket which hangs to my hips that I usually wear with this particular sweater and slacks outfit. (Important to the story.) As I read chapter 12 yesterday I was glad when I realized that Iâm not so insecure about wearing the right thing any more. (With age comes not worrying so much about what others think. I am nigh unto 51.) Even though I donât know the ârightâ way to wear this scarf I went for it.
On the way through the parking lot after I got to the church I was thinking of the girls at the middle school where I work. The two big things they are focused on and get their security from are – do they have the ârightâ friends and are they wearing the ârightâ clothes. I was pondering how that doesnât go away as we grow older and can remain a large area of insecurity for women.
I got to church right as the service was starting. I hurriedly hung my coat up (I live in the north and even though it is spring, itâs still winter outside.) Our sanctuary seats 2,000 people and I always sit in the front row. So, as things were beginning, I walked by myself down the center aisle and got myself situated on the front row. Shortly after that, an acquaintance scooted out of her pew and sat side-saddle next to me and whispered that her friend who was sitting with her leaned over to her as I walked in. This acquaintance thought her friend was going to tell her how pretty my scarf was, but instead informed her that my sweater – dare I say it – was tucked into the back of my underpants!!!! (The waist is a little too big on the slacks so they sit a smidge lower on my hips than Iâd like.) I had a momentary flash of horror cross my face as I thanked her for being a good friend to tell me. (How awkward that must have been for her!)
Iâll admit that it was hard to concentrate on the first few worship songs. I vacillated between feeling only slightly concerned that I just showed the majority of the church that I wear old lady style underwear and trying not to laugh. Iâm happy to say that I didnât really feel embarrassed. I know there are enough of you younger siestas out there feeling that way for me instead. Iâm amazed that I can regale the story to you. But for me I can say SO LONG INSECURITY (on this particular issue)!!!!!
The lessons are, #1 – for me, always wear the jacket that comes down to my hips with those slacks. And #2, for all of us – ALWAYS rescue a siesta when a wardrobe malfunction occurs. (I think that also includes when things may be dangling from her nose when she doesnât realize itâŠ.)
PS – After church the older lady sitting behind me told me how beautiful my scarf was!! Also, I thanked the acquaintance and her friend on my out of the sanctuary and the three of us giggled. And my friend and her husband and daughters got a hoot out of the story when I told them! I know my family will get a good laugh out of it when I tell them too!
Absolutley hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
Beth, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE SLI! Thank you! I’ve been reading the weekly assignments, but haven’t kept up with any of the blogs and haven’t posted. I’m so looking forward to your simulcast on April 24th!
1) I already knew that women who dress provocatively have insecurity issues, but what is new to me is that’s how men looked at it too. I thought men liked to see all the cleavage–the more the better. Also new to me is that incessant talking was a sign of insecurity…I’m the opposite.
2) A weak will keeps us down and makes us question or second guess our every move or thought and that just adds to our insecurity issues. We need to turn our weak will into God’s will. We should seek God and ask for strength and wisdom. Like Beth said, “In Jesus’ name, I am clothed with strength and dignity!” (p. 257)
Chantel
40’s
Married
Denham Springs, LA
1. I already knew that men have a hard time pleasing us because we idealize so much and set the bar so high. What was new to me was the thought that women show their insecurity by how they dress. I had always thought that those who dressed in tight clothing, showing cleavage were very secure and didn’t care what people thought about them.
2. A weak will plays into our insecurity by paralyzing us into either doing nothing at or or taking the path of least resistance. It bows to intimidation and criticism.
Kit
60’s
married
Central Islip, NY
1. I did know that insecurities repel rather than attract others. I have learned that from experience! I was not aware that men realize that so many women have insecurities, or that women show insecurity by showing “too much skin”.
2. A weak will…hmmm…I have had some experience with that! I have let my hurt feelings and criticisms “assault” and take my security. It has overtaken my life and changed my personality over time. I believe I have been learning that I do have the power, through Christ, to choose to have a different reaction instead of reacting to my feelings. I have tried having no reaction to triggers of insecurity, and that certainly does not work! You said it so well, Beth, that we need to “be strong willed about what God strongly wills”. He will empower us!
1. I am guilty of being insecure around other women. That is something I cannot wait to be free of!!
2. I was surprised to hear that men think that women show their insecurity by the way they dress. Great insight!!
Amity
Married
30’s
Virginia
1. I kind of knew men didn’t care for women with huge insecurity. I didn’t realize how much excessive talking has to do with insecurity. It makes sense after I read it!
2. A weak will plays to all our insecurities and doen’t allow us to often make good or correct choices. I’ve been repeating “I am clothed with strength and dignity…..
1. I already knew men liked confident, secure women. My husband would say my independence and strength I demonstrated attracted him to me. Before I got married I really didnât care what people thought of me. This chapter really made me think that most of my insecurities have come since Iâve been married. Why did marriage cause me to become so insecure? I believe my husband loves me and is dedicated to me (almost married 22 years) but I feel as if he doesnât like the woman I am. So, I guess my âthatâs new to meâ is realizing that marriage made me insecure. I never thought about that until now, and donât yet have the answer as to why.
2. A weak âwillâ hinders us from becoming secure. We must have a strong will so that we can change the way we think and act. I love what Beth wrote, âIt starts with one new action but ends with a whole new attitude. The action gets the security to the surface. The attitude keeps the security at the surface.â
Traci, 40’s, Married – Corona, CA
1. Most of chapter 12 was pretty familiar to me; although I did find the comment that men don’t want women to feel insecure, as well as the fact that they actually recognize our insecurities, rather revealing. Since it seems that guys often don’t actually take note of what my husband and I call the “subtle” stuff…it was encouraging to know that they note it and wish differently for us.
2. Our will seems to be so strong when we are holding on to what we shouldn’t…as Jesus prayed, “not My will but Thine be done.” Interesting that we can have the power to hold tightly to what is not good for us, but lack the willpower to let go and grab hold of what God wants for us. Isn’t it often a matter of rechanneling that will…albeit, easier said than done???
Deborah J.
Married
40’s
Clearwater, FL
You are so funny Beth!!! Thank you for the laughs!!
1. I DIDN’T know that a low top was a sign of insecurity! I have thought “they are asking for ‘it'”, but didn’t think insecure. I asked my husband to see what he would say, he stopped & thought for a moment, then replied that he hadn’t ever thought of it that way, but he has thought that a woman who isn’t revealing cleavage seems to be confident & comfortable with who they are. It does seem to be a dual standard because while they might think it is insecure, they are also looking! But I can certainly see the truth in confidence being intriguing – esp if they are insecure! I DID know that talking too much is a sign of insecurity.
2. A weak will believes it doesn’t have a right to choose – anything. Since we need to choose to supplant our insecurity thoughts with secure truths, that belief can hamper the process of healing!
Now, Beth, I got confused a bit in the 2nd part of Chp 13. Based on Chp 11 & the eye opening consequences we have when we act out of ominpotence &/or omniscience (sp), at that point I decided to stop prying and start praying for my spouse, because only God can convict & deliver. So, I read it again & listened to it also to see if I was understanding correctly – perhaps you are talking about facts that have already been revealed instead of snooping to find facts to address a suspicion. I am open to being used but I am too newly trying to recover from the O’s to trust myself – I need to be relying on God – I hope that isn’t the chicken way to deal with these possible concerns.
Based on my response, I will remain anonymous today.
Married, 50’s
I listened to the end of Chp 13 again – and heard the answer to my question. I can’t believe how many times it takes for me to hear something, sometime! Thank you so much for your patience with me/us! And for being willing to repeat the truths you are trying to get thru to us!!
with love, Married, 50’s
The question about a weak will and how it plays into our security hit me! A wise women recently shared her Godly wisdom and stated it this way. If you have a weak will, satan has taken root in your mind and plastered your mind and thoughts with his lies. Satan makes sure you hear them often enough that you begin to accept and believe them, eventually having you bow down to them. If you submit yourself to God and his word, which is TRUTH, and emerge yourself in that truth, the truth will take root and re-wallpaper your mind/thinking with that Truth to tear down those lies. You will be able to stand up in that Truth when you stand up with God! He has such grace and mercy that are anew and fresh EVERY MORNING! Thank you Jesus! and thank you for “breaking free” and the wisdom you have given beth through you word!
1- I already knew that men were turned off by a woman’s need for constant affirming and/or comforting. The strength we receive leaning on the Lord is so empowering and attractive to others women and men both but it is so nice to feel that love returned.
2-that weak will gets us off track everytime by focusing ourselves on our insecurities, failures and lost dreams then we are so focused on ourselves we are no good to others. The enemy will keep us so distracted and needy that we stay lost, confused and tired.
The past few days have been difficult for me as Easter nears but I can tell in just our family that our paths have forever been altered closer to the Lord. I must stay focused on what God desires for my life and not everything on my to do list must be done. I can’t forget the basics w/study, sleep and taking care of myself so I can be of better use and stay focused for Him. As when our family climbed a mountain a few years back to a little over 10,000 ft one step at a time and I must overcome my fear and enjoy the view. The higher we go the clearer it gets!! May the Lord bless us and heal our families this day so we can serve Him better!!
Jackie
closer to 40
married
Little Rock, AR
1) Already knew that – Men are on to us about our insecurities and the propensity to compare ourselves to other women.
That’s new to me – Incessant talking gives it away? I think I’m more the type that gets really quiet. Unless something makes me furious in my insecurities…then I want to claw out some eyes. It’s ugh-ly.
2) A weak will means that we are trampled by our insecurities. We have no power or courage to fight or stand up for our dignity. We simply do not resolve to “be strong willed about what God strongly wills.”
Oops! Sarah, 20s, Single, Port St. Joe, FL
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
So Long Insecurity, Week 7
1. Based on Chapter 12, name one “I already knew that” moment and one “that’s new to me” moment, if either applies. I think that the quote on page 230, “We as men (me included) have failed to assure women they are God’s most beautiful creation. A woman’s insecurities could be drastically reduced if men would love like Jesus did,” offered me a refreshing approach that some men really do realize their impact on how we feel towards our body image.
2. Based on Chapter 13, how does a weak will play into our insecurity?
We are quick to give in to our will. We fail to let God’s power and glory show up. For example, when I give in to the temptations of life, I may fail to use the Holy Spirit as my guidance. Or, perhaps it is more of a situation of failing to know who I am in Christ. I know that I am a daughter of a mighty king! đ A royal princess. But, there are plenty of days when I fail to see myself covered with God’s glory.
Week 7 homework:
1a)That’s new to me – I never fully grasped the concept of “the power to choose”. Human nature makes me realize I have a choice, but I never truly grasped that “we can change the way we think which will change the way we act. As we change the way we act, the way we feel begins to change”. I definitely needed to read that this week. Now I need to learn to live it….consistently.
1b)I already knew – insecurity has become second nature. Again, I just needed to hear it again. Makes me realize that I need to be more aware on a daily basis and not become complacent about it.
2) A weak will can cause a woman to give in or give up which can set her up for many situations that add to her insecurity. I don’t personally struggle with an emotional predator in my life, but I have a very close friend that does. It pains me to watch her live the lie that she is being “a submissive wife” while being treated like a doormat. A weak will definitely adds to the problem by preventing her from drawing solid boundaries. A weak will can also lead us into sinful areas (gluttony, pornography, covetousness, etc.) that add to our feelings of insecurity. I see this as another “failure to draw solid boundaries”. Or maybe just a “failure to follow the solid boundaries that are already established” (i.e.- don’t visit certain websites, don’t daydream about having what my neighbor has, don’t sit down and eat a whole box of Moon Pies in one evening â big grin).
Julie
Idaho
Married
40’s
Lindsay
Bangor, Maine
25
Married
1. I already knew that men are completely turned off by insecurity. I think it’s safe to say that most healthy people are repelled from overly emotional, insecure people in general.
It wasn’t “new” to me, but it never fails to amaze me how attracted men can be to a promiscuous woman, in fact, our society demands that. Yet men also scorn promiscuity and see it as insecurity. I just don’t understand that.
2. We can’t let other people dictate how we feel or control our self-esteem. It takes a strong will to choose to not let someone tear you down or wear away your self-esteem. I like that Beth said people can hurt our feelings — they can even make us cry — but we should never let them take our dignity and security.
1. “I already knew that”…women seem most insecure in the area of appearance. No contest. It’s evident to me when the gym memberships, diet fads, and exercise equipment go on sale every New Year.
“That’s new to me”…many women complain they can’t find a good man. Now, I know that women do this, but I haven’t noticed it as strongly as the book suggest. Honestly, I never expected to see it in this section, but it’s worth more thought at the very least.
2. A weak will prevents us from making the difficult, character-defining decisions that are in our best interest and that of those around us. A weak will also perpetuates the problem at hand rather than confronting it with the love, grace and truth that will lead to healing and restoration.
1.) One thing I didn’t know… (This is insight from the bottom of p. 229)…I have bought into the “My insecurity is my problem. It doesn’t affect others.” I see now how many times my husband and I fight because I am feeling insecure over something he said, when he then tells me that he didn’t mean it the way I took it at all! My insecurities, in other words, often lead to misunderstandings. I knew, however, that he knows my insecurities – and that makes me more insecure because I often try to “measure up” to him/what I think he wants me to be. But he just wants me to be myself.
P. 231 I knew…that men wished we weren’t so self-concious about our appearance – My husband has told me it’s a turn off when he gives me a compliment and I try to push it under the rug as to not bring attention to myself or I blatantly say, “Actually, today I’m having a BAD hair day! Did you see my hair yesterday! It looked better than today!” I’ve learned to smile and say thank you! And then, I learned to believe it and not just accept it when he is just trying to be a good husband and compliment me. I’m sure it makes him insecure when I turn down a compliment because he feels like he’s being rejected ~ Any time a man takes a step toward you, pull him closer because that will reaffirm him to keep encouraging you!
231 Hmm…I don’t know if my husband notices that I am constantly looking at other women in my SS class – wishing I had this dress, or those shoes… đ
232 I knew…that I don’t just feel intimidated by someone “really intimidating” – I feel intimidated by everyone.
232 I knew…that I’m a “clammer-upper” when a wave of insecurity hits. With everyone except my husband – With him I talk incessantly when I’m insecure, trying to prove my point, trying to get the reaction I want out of him – at least a nod to know he’s paying attention to me!
233 I feel like this was a great group of men who responded to the survey… I want so much to believe that men really think those who show more skin are more insecure – and my husband agrees – I asked him – but it’s so confusing… Just as we women sometimes send mixed messages to men, I am receiving a mixed message about this…
234 SO TRUE “We fight the same tendency when we strive to control our guys, and then when we finally get them to submit to us like whipped dogs, we think they’re a little pathetic.” I don’t know what to make of this, but I can say that I had a boyfriend in the past who loved me and adored me and did everything for me and it got old because I wanted him to be secure in himself and stand on his own. I loved the attention but wanted him to be his own person. I ended up “walking all over him” (which I have asked forgiveness for, and it has been granted mercifully) – I was upset when I didn’t get my way, and upset when I got it.
237 I guess I thought by my openly showing my insecurities to my husband that he would have pity for me and come bandage up my wounds. Rather, he wants to see God work in me and heal me because he knows I need to seek God first. As Beth said previously, men can’t take the pressure! They get stressed and that’s why it seems they are even more inconsiderate/unloving – Really they are just scared that we are relying on them solely!
238 “Insecurities do not invite intimacy.” I can obviously see the truth in this. I just hadn’t thought of it this way, so I guess I can say this is something I didn’t know: I am learning that there is a difference in being transparent to someone (my husband) which DOES invite intimacy, with those vulnerabilities, because it allows the other person to see who you really are and when they accept who you are, intimacy is ignited. When they see your weaknesses, they open up to you about their weaknesses. Insecurity, however, only causes me to retreat and close up and keep all this anxiety about myself inside. It doesn’t let me talk to my husband or anyone about it because once I start talking, my heart and mind start changing to become more like Christ’s, and the enemy doesn’t want that. Insecurities keep me isolated – constantly being “self-aware” instead of building relationships with people/focusing on others and their needs rather than my own! It’s frustrating when you desire intimacy, and the opposite is happening.
Ch. 13 Question 2) We have the “power to choose” security – It is our will, not necessarily how we feel. I will choose to act a different way to things that come up even when the correct emotion is not there. Each time it will get easier! I have already seen how my thinking has a huge impact on how I feel and act. I have been struggling with a stronghold in my life of something from the past, and some days I feel completely defeated. If I kept that emotion/held onto it, I WOULD be defeated, but instead, I speak truth into my mind. I am not defeated – I’m just having a difficult day, and I’ll make it right, starting now! The day is not over!
I can’t think of a time when I have felt so weak because of someone else that I couldn’t make my own, right decision. I have seen others in that situation a lot, though. It’s everywhere it seems. I don’t know if it’s because I’m strong in what I believe or if I haven’t noticed my weak will at that time? Having to confront someone, though, I would have a difficult time doing that, even though I know it’s the right thing to do. If I had to confront my husband about something, I think I would feel powerless.
Kara
34
Married
Aurora, IL
1. My “already knew that moment” was that guys like a secure woman. I had a friend in college who just oozed confidence (even though I knew she was still insecure like the rest of us) and guys couldn’t get enough of her! She really “taught” me how to act around men to get their attention by being more confident.
2. If we have a weak will, then we will let people and SATAN walk all over us. I LOVE how you said, “you cannot have my security!” I’m going to put that somewhere I can read it remind myself that people can’t have my security…”in Jesus name, I am clothed with strength and dignity!”
Although I have not posted for the last couple of weeks, I have read all the chapters and been blessed indeed! The prayer was wonderful……I’m still busy copying it in my prayer journal. The reminder of dignity was beautiful. My spirit has been reminded more than once since reading that chapter……dignity is a gift from our Father……to all!
As far as the last 2 chapters – seeing things through a male perspective was insightful. Again….good reminders as we walk this life together side by side. Lastly…..a weak will plainly keeps us from being and doing the will of Him who gave us life. We hold back, we second guess. I for one love the freedom I have to press forward, when I know who I am in Christ…….in Him alone!
Blessings to you Beth as well as your precious daughters……..as you continue to carry the torch of truth to women near and far…..Thank you for being willing!
1. Something that I had not really thought of before is that men tend to be repelled by the noticeable insecurities of women.
2. A weak will allows insecurity to invade our thoughts and emotions unchecked. It’s like giving insecurity a free pass into our hearts and minds. But, through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13), we can choose to not let insecurity get to us. So, I’m going to stand firm, tighten up the belt of truth (Ephesians 6:14) and start saying “no” to insecurity when it comes knocking at the door.
Emily
Topeka, KS
20’s
Single
Based on Chapter 12, I had an âI already knew thatâ moment twice. The first one I already knew was my need for constant affirmation.My friend of 30 years said that to me one day not so long ago. I never realized it until she mentioned it. The second âI already knew thatâ is irrational jealousies. I have jealousy issues but the irrational ones are UGLY. they do not happen very often. When I was young and dumb they were more prevalent,but I seemed to have outgrown that. However i believe I have just replaced that behavior with another now instead of being irrational and make a fool of myself I get rather snotty and sarcastic. I can take a head clean off without moving anything but my lips and I have found it to be mostly reactive not proactive. Praise God he is changing me.
A “weak will” in essence takes away one’s ability to say NO. If you can’t say no to something than it has dominion over you and that is bondage.It also makes one a victim. Isn’t that what insecurity does to us. It keeps us victims and puts us in chains. Then the enemy comes along and spoon feeds us more lies about ourselves.
Ginny
Schenectady NY
50’s
Never Married
Amy
Washington D.C.
Single
20s
1. There were several, “I already knew that moments” for me. The top that stuck out most was knowing that men are not attracted to our “obvious showing” of our insecurities. I also hate that they know, but at the same time I think they are catching on to us knowing that they have them as well. I also knew that the biggest area they know we are insecure is our appearance. This makes me think about an article I just read on a website called boundless.org. It’s a web-based magazine and it focuses a lot on a younger audience, single people, young married couples. It is a pretty amazing website and I’ve learned a lot from the articles their contributing writers write. The article I read deals with a guy really liking a girl and even going out with her for a year (a YEAR!) but the one area he can’t get over is her being overweight. He asks for advice and, thank you Jesus, the writer talks to him about the dangers of allowing someone’s physical appearance (or insecurity) be the cause of one possibly missing out on a potential partner in their future ministry/career. Here’s the link to the article:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/answers/a0002268.cfm
I think about the results you had in your study, Beth, and how men even know that it doesn’t help that they are to blame in part for our insecurities. But I was encouraged by one of the men that wrote you and said, “A woman’s insecurities could be drasticaly reduced if men would love like Jesus did.” That, along with another man’s response of, “women face insecurity everywhere they go, so perhaps it has become second nature,” was the “that’s new to me” moment. I really hadn’t thought about that before but was surprised to realized how true (and sad) that is to me. I don’t want it to be second nature. I wrote below it, “If insecurity has become my second nature then I need to dump it and realize Christ (and my being in Christ) is and will be my second nature.”
2. A weak will allows the feeling to act first and not the will of God. I personally believe we CAN change the way we feel. My favorite pastor in the world (from Tulsa, OK…shout out to COTM!) said this, “We can’t starve the flesh by acting in the flesh…in order to starve out the flesh we must be active in the Spirit.” If we are active in the Spirit, I believe we will think and change the way we act and feel. Just like you, Beth, have said it takes a lot of hard work and time (I listen to your “Wednesdays with Beth” over my lunch breaks and heard you recently say this) but in time the temptation can be beaten. A weak will can be beaten so that it never plays into our insecurity and trap us for good.
That was a really great article. Thanks for sharing!
It was, wasn’t it?! It brought some insight to me and how guys can still want a woman who isn’t perfectly thin and see her for who she is….yet, I was sad that even though the guy liked (and might have even chose to love) the girl he ALLOWED the physical aspect to get to him. I also saw how it works in reverse.
Married, 50’s, Montana
1.a. Already knew women show their insecurity by how they dress. Cleavage = f(insecurity)
1.b. Did not realize how obvious it is to men that the minute women meet each other, they are sizing each other up… very interesting. Not sure it’s always for competing, though. Many women are looking for friends – someone like them.
2. A weak will perpetuates insecurity. When we are weak, we do not resist the anxious little girl inside and we act insecure…creating more insecurity as we remain enslaved to our doubts and fears. Our only path is to seek the power greater than us. We can only STOP with God’s grace and strength. AMEN.
1) There were no “that’s new to me” moments; however, there was one particular “I already knew that” moment that hit me differently than before “d2″(2nd divorce).
It’s this quote from Beth, “In my estimation, the most intriguing part of the whole survey was this: across the board, regardless of age or marital status, the men who responded did not want women to feel insecure.” Yes, both of my ex’s when dating & early in the marriages went on about how they liked my being independent-minded and knowing what I think on things and not being afraid to give my thoughts instead of vacillating in order to get & follow their opinions. But neither one truly did, and it took me going thru both divorces before it hit me upside the head! In the end, they both wanted a weak woman and saw me as their personal challenges to break me & change me. Looking back, I gave up ground I never should have to either one in going so far out of my way to make the marriages work when neither was truly interested in saving the marriage so much as breaking me.
Even though all either one was interested in at their roots was to whittle at, and break me and change me– God gave me my backbone back both times. Although the 2nd marriage left me with some residual scars in my heart that God is still working & walking me back through.
2)Based on ch.13, how does a weak will play into our insecurity? From my own experiences a weak will plays into insecurity for me when, out of fear(of whatever), I abdicate my God-given right to choose to hold onto God’s gifts in and to me, as well as His gifts through me to others. Another area of where a weak will played into insecurity: falling as prey to the bait of others trying to purposely trigger or bring out insecurity, what I call scapegoating, so their insecurity won’t get discovered because they’re preying on me. And yet another: letting the pain & offenses go to my core instead of giving/deferring them to God.
Diane
40
Utah
divorced
1.) One thing I didn’t know was that men see more skin being shown as more insecurity and are turned off by it, but we’re taught that they are turned on by more skin. I did realize that men notice the way men notice the way we tend to size each other up.
2.) A weak will can prevent us from making sound decisions. It can allow others to make unhealthy choices for us and prevent us from standing up for ourselves. It allows ungodly people to take advantage of us. It opens the door for abuse and allows people to take advantage of us in ways that God never wanted.
It was strange reading these 2 chapters today and coming to the one man’s “cleavage” comment after bra shopping. It made me come to the conclusion that bra companies that make the most money might just be the ones capable of making flat chested women feel the most insecure. I myself am pretty flat chested, and every bra in my size emphasized how much it could enhance cleavage, many of the bras coming with pictures, which, to make things worse, my chest looked nothing like in the bras. They say sex sells, but so does insecurity! No wonder there aren’t many books about overcoming it! Thank you, Siesta Mama, for writing one!
Elizabeth
Escalon, CA
20’s
Single
1. I liked how “One man suggested that insecure women ask a lot of ‘Am I?’ questions, Am I beautiful? Am I loved?” I have known this about myself but could never said it so succintly. I am so lucky that my husband’s great with the “you are” responses even when I don’t ask my questions out loud. A new thing for him is to tell me “you are so beautiful!” when i’m doing my makeup or hair.
2. My weak will gets me even when I know the right choice to make. It’s one thing when I’m not consciously aware of my actions but it’s another thing when I do know better! Then after making the wrong choice, my security feels shot because I feel like I don’t have any strength to make the right decisions.
I’m a first time responder who just has to tell you how much I’m enjoying the book, no matter how much of myself I’m having to see in it. I’m behind on my chapters (just getting ready to tackle chapter 9) but God willing, I’m actually going to catch up and join you all! Thanks so much, Beth, for writing such an important book. I’m looking forward to the coming chapters and to being able to actually comment on the chapter of the week đ Blessings!
Jennifer
40’s
Married
Delmar, NY
1. I already knew that…cleavage. Didn’t know that one…”Am I?”.
2. A weak will opens the door for Satan to get a hold of us. Get behind me Satan! I am not giving in to that weakness. The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? That is much easier written than done, but I am working on it :)!