WOMEN: Want to help me out? Get as many men as you can to (anonymously!) answer this survey! Since I am studying our culture as a whole, I’ll welcome any man’s comments regardless of his religious affiliation. All I ask is that they respect the nature of this blog and watch their mouths a tad just like I’d want you to do. By now you’ve probably figured out that I am researching and writing on the hot button of women and insecurity. Many months ago when I surveyed you on the topic, I told you there would come a time when I’d want to ask the men some questions. The time has come. Perhaps you’ll be a little more motivated by the fact that I am actually going to post their answers (anonymous ones only). If they shoot straight with us, it should be pretty insightful. I only need to say this to a very few of you so the rest of you overlook this statement:IT WOULD BE THE LAMEST THING EVER TO POSE AS A MAN AND POST ANSWERS TO THIS SURVEY JUST TO GET A KICK OUT OF YOURSELF. Totally dumb. Refrain. (I’m no longer blogly naive.) That aside, thank you so much for your help! I can’t wait to see what we learn!
MEN: For the last 6 months I’ve been researching the topic of women and insecurity for a book I’m feeling prompted by God to write. Though I know that men have as many insecurities as women, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (male or female) to know that they differ, and often dramatically. I’m hoping in the book to offer a little insight to women concerning those differences and, of course, any similarities where they exist. Here’s the most important part before we ever get to the survey:
You need to know that my expressed purpose is to gather research for writing and speaking. By giving answers you are giving me complete permission to quote you in full or in part in any format that I find helpful. Due to the survey-nature of this blog and the way I need to use the material, ONLY ANONYMOUS POSTS CAN AND WILL BE POSTED. I would, however, love to have your age if you don’t mind putting that in your answers. That’s optional though.
If you’re still game, this is all I ask: that you’ll be completely honest and tell us anything you wish you could say if you could stay anonymous. Say as much as you can without crossing a line into something blatantly inappropriate for a blog like this. I’m so grateful, guys. OK, here are the two questions. Try to keep your answers limited to one average length paragraph each. You stand to be a really great help to us. I commit to you that I will try my best to be fair as I represent your gender in the material that results from your answers.
1. What are your primary areas of insecurity and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
That’s all there is to it!
PS. Don’t expect the answers to get posted right away because I’ll need to read through them pretty carefully and I’ll also let them stack up a while so that I can post them in chunks. I appreciate all of you so much and don’t take lightly that I have access to this kind of information. If you’re willing, please say a prayer for me as I write this book. It is a topic I feel very strongly about and I want so much for people to be significantly helped and for God to be pleased.
1. I am 30 years old and my largest area of insecurity (right now) is living up to expectations as a husband/father/worker…set by what I think I should be, set by what others think I should be, and set by what the voices in my head tell me I should be…at the end of the day, I do as good of a job as I can but in the back of my mind I wonder if I my best was good enough or if I totally missed the boat altogether.
2. Attractiveness! I didn’t marry my wife because she is hot, but SHE IS HOT! It can be frustrating when she does not see herself like I see her, but through the lens of how she thinks that she is supposed to appear…(there might be commonality between my insecurity and hers all tied up in a nice, pretty “perceived expectations bow!”)
I am 39 and counting. My primary area of insecurity is in being around other men I feel are more “apt” at being a man than I am. Wether it is career, income, social staus or educational background. I find myself avoiding eye contact or telling better stories that aren’t always truthful in order to gain respect.
I notice women can be insecure when they work hard to get compliments or feel they need to alter themselves physically to make themselves feel (look) better.
I am 54 and my insecurities sometimes materialize in financial and business when I am around those I perceive to be more experienced than I am. Also, when I am around men I respect for their bible acumen. I usually just get quiet and don’t talk as much. But in Christ I know that I am made in His image and gain my confidence and rest in that fact that He knows all and I know Him,.
In women, it seems to manifest in looks, “do you think I am pretty?” and the thinking that they are not smart enough.
50 years old
1. leading Bible studies; I feel the added responsibility that it’s God’s Word that I’m speaking and not my own agenda; the desire to understand and lead people is heightend because I know the responsibility I’m taking. It makes me feel anxious, apprehensive, self doubt, fear of not communicating properly.
Insecure about our financial future; we have debt that we are trying to eliminate. It causes feeling of inadequacey for failure to provide and fear of not having enough in our senior years. I know God provides; He gives the ability to be responsible and we have to be obedient.
2.I sense insecurity from strained or failed relationships from women. Most of what I see through work and sometimes church is poor relationships with spouses or loved ones; I feel this causes women to over compensate in other areas i.e. inadequate communication with spouses, unreal expectations, alot of the burden is placed on a woman because the man is failing in his relationship with God.
I am married 30 years.
Single 25
1. low self esteem and low confidence about self worth and my place in society. I can act out and rebel and try my hardest to do everything opposite of what society expects or isolate myself from society; family and friends. I’m extremely uncomfortable with change in my environment; I usually put out a standoffish don’t mess with me vibe; don’t talk to me. I don’t like crowds and will go off by myself after spending any time in a large group.
2. lack of trust; going through boyfriends cell phone; how they dress, the more skin they show the more insecure they are. When they stick with the same jerk for years because they think they can’t do better. The way they eat; lack of or too much food. when they try everything in their power to cause drama so they can complain about drama in their lives…I also see this in men, too. The need to compete with fashion and status of boyfriend. The same with guys too.
From a 32 year old single man in the military;
1. Primary areas of insecurity: in a group of people with whom I have nothing in common & there is nothing to talk about, feeling that their topics are over my head. I withdraw or stay quiet & let them do the talking.
2. Most obvious is when women are around other women, they try to size up each other & look for reasons to not get along rather than to get along. They seem easily intimidated whether by physical beauty, character status, or whatever makes them feel that the other woman has more going for her, & a barrier goes up.
From a 62 year old married-42 years-man:
1.Primary areas of insecurity: challenges to my manhood (my role or life decisions) with someone else who thinks they know better what I should be doing. Reponse: withdraw.
2. Being aggressive in behavior or in their loudness or opinions. Not being able to have a lot of friends, picking friends that only affirm them or make them feel secure.
I am a 34 year old husband and father. I am most insecure about acceptance and being loved, especially in my marriage. I struggle with trying to be “perfect.” I know my wife loves me dearly, but I still struggle with thoughts that if I am the “perfect husband,” then she will love me more. Even though I know the truth, Satan uses doubt to make me believe the lack of physical intimecy in our marriage is because I am unattractive, unloveable, and undesireable. How I deal with these feelings is in either two ways. The negative way is to get quiet, not talk, and pout or sulk. The possitive way, which usually follows the negative way is to pray, pray, and pray. I also talk with my wife about it.
The insecurities I have noticed in women tend to deal with physical attributes. I am a teacher and I have also observed in my students an insercurity about their intellectual ability. Many believe they will not succeed, or that the male students are automatically smarter.
1. At 53 my primary area of insecurity deals with financial matters: how prepared (or not) we’ll be when I retire; will we have to down-size when I retire (probably), etc. Those days when it really gets to me I withdraw a lot and try not to let my anguish come out in hurtful words. At those times it is best I not get in a discussion on the family budget as my thinking is jaded.
2. I notice insecurity in women when I see and hear them comparing themselves to other women, especially on looks, appearances, and most definitely weight. Why women waste their time on this astounds me. There is nothing to be gained by this practice. If only they could be content with what God has blessed them with. Oy vey.
I am a 50 year old Christian in the business world and teach adults in Sunday school. Some of my answers reflect what I have observed in the business world as well as in Sunday school classes and church committee meetings. In certain situations where I have no control over the outcome of a meeting in a business setting I feel insecure. I get quiet and sit back and listen. The reason for the insecurity is either not being fully prepared for the subject matter being discussed or realizing someone else is taking control.
I notice insecurity in women most commonly as they either are very talkative and take control of a discussion ( as in a business setting or Sunday school class)yet while they speak in a commanding manner, the facts they are stating are not quite correct but they keep plowing through the conversation. The other extreme are those that are very quiet, shy and look down a lot.
1. Providing for family, using a measuring stick to gauge my successes or failures compared to Mr. Jones, etc. Lack of “small talk” skills in a variety of settings.
2. Looks, feeling intimidated by high performance women, comparing own kids to others. identity comes from what one owns or doesn’t, where one lives and where one can afford to go, etc. disgusted by Betsy bucket mouth type personalities running around nosing into everyone elses’s business.
Hi, I’m a young 69. My main insecurity is worrying about leading a somewhat normal and dignified life in spite of our economic setbacks.
As for women insecurities, I’ve had lots and lots of relationships with women — some incredible (great) and some incredible (really bad). I was in my grocery store last week and teasing one of the older, very nice gentlemen who works there and I asked him, “George, you’ve been around longer than myself. Do you any idea on how to please women?” I thought he was going to say “You CAN’T!,” but he surprised me, “Two ways: First be able to perfectly and accurately read their minds all the time and secondly do everything they want you to do.” I laughed, but was quite impressed with his “life wisdom.”
My libido is surprising gone since I’m still athletic, healthy and active. And I find as women get older, they become less of interesting companions, preferring to morph into impatient, critical, prudish, narrow-minded Church Biddies who seem to inappropriately and frequently position these noses into other people’s business. You can be young by wanting to always learn, be curious about the world, hang out more with young people, stay active physically, be a stimulating conversationalist, and life live fully even as one approached the beautiful sunset of one’s life.
I do have to say I’m living with a most wonderful female who loves me deeply and unconditionally, demands little from me except my companionship, and shared dinners and who listens to me even though she can’t understand my language. I feel alive and needed when I’m around her. She is my Golden Lab, 8 years old and I spoil her to no extent.
Doggone it… I’ve finally found my perfect “mate.”
1. I’m 54 years old. Finances have always been tight and I’ve felt bad that we didn’t eat out much or provide the things for the kids that many of their friends had. Another area is in leading the family in a Christlike manner. Hard to balance the hard line of avoiding negative influences and having to explain why they can’t do what many of their friends are doing. Often felt torn.
2. Many times it seems to be about appearance and child rearing. It’s common to hear excuses why they look like they do or why the kids are acting like they are.
1. I am 50 years old, married for 30 years. My insecurity most of the time is related to finances. As head of the house hold, the man, and owning my own business, it is on my shoulders to pay the bills and provide for all of my family in some way. My wife didn’t always want to know how business was doing as long as the bills were being paid. It lead to me being creative at times which was not a good thing. we have had several discussions and have improved with these issues but it is still one of the biggest issues for me. If I can’t provide, which has been a huge issue this past 6 months in this economy, it is hard to feel comfortable communicating at home. I usually am quiet, keep to my self and persevere. Don’t have any true close male friends because I spend most of my time with my family. The other issue for me has always been around sex with my wife. It has always been hard for my wife to feel comfortable in love making. I have tried for several years to be understanding but it has been a big insecurity for me when she doesn’t want to make love. I feel rejected or not wanted. I have a strong basic need to be loved. My self confidence has been affected by this one issue for many years. We are slowly improving in this area. Kids and others always came ahead of my needs for many years of our marriage. I’m not the typical sex hungry male, but rather very compassionate and non demanding. But my manhood definitely gets a boost when we make love.
2. My wife: insecurities usually associate with finances and self image. If she has the sense that our finances are solid then she is very solid in return. All other things being equal, if a money issue comes up it causes great stress for my wife.
My wife is a beautiful women and has always been and will be. However, she doesn’t feel this way. After reading several of the responses, this seems to be a very common issue. I compliment my wife often as to her physical and intellectual beauty but mostly she is a very strong, Godly women who is always seeking out how to honor our Father in all that she does. Her insecurities will show by her not wanting to be in public, not wanting to interact with others outside of her work. When times are good, she is very outgoing and interactive with a great small group of bible study ladies/prayer warriors for each other. Age and experiences have helped her to learn to deal with these issues and has been more willing to talk and discuss these openly with me.
I am 36 years old.
QUESTION 1: The primary areas in which I feel insecure are (1) my appearance – I feel my teeth are unattractive and (2) my personality – I often feel like I am not entertaining enough or fun to be around. My insecurity regarding my teeth causes me to avoid smiling or to look down or cover my mouth when I smile. My insecurity regarding my personality causes me to withdraw from social situations and avoid friendships and relationships.
QUESTION 2: The most common way I notice insecurity in women is in their appearance. The first thing that comes to mind is the prevalence of breast implants among women of all ages, which are usually fairly obvious. The second thing that comes to mind is the prevalence of Botox type treatments and plastic surgery among older women.
I am a 36 year old blue collar average country boy married to a intelligent, beautiful, and charming woman.
1. Because of the economy, I have lost roughly 30% of my income. This has been very hard on me. It’s my job to take care of my family. My wife homeschools our 2 sons. She has offered to help out by finding a job, but I just don’t want her to. I want to be able to provide for my family.
I find myself doing extra chores around the house to make up for not being able to work as much at my job. But sadly I also have noticed I’m touchy. I get offended more easily and I don’t have as much patience with my family as I should.
I’m very insecure about whether or not my wife is happy. This isn’t because of anything she does, I just get more and more convinced every day that she could do so much better than me. She deserves more.
I also worry about being a good dad. I had a terrible example for a father. I sometimes find it hard to balance teaching them, loving them and disciplining them. I want them to love me and like me. I’m so afraid they won’t.
2. My wife tends to ‘get tough’ when she is insecure. She has suffered a lot of deep hurts in her life and has learned to protect herself. It’s hard knowing about some of the things she’s been through and how she needs to put up walls sometimes in order to cope. Even though I wasn’t part of the pain, I suffer too because I’m on the other side of that wall just like everyone else in her life.
I see alot of every women became catty and gossipy because of insecurity. Some act out and try to get attention. Some just fade into the background. I guess we all have our coping mechanisms.
Too bad we don’t just just to God.
Thank you for your ministry. Praise God that your ‘siestas’ have a safe place to go and feel loved and accepted. Blessings to you and your family.
1. I am 43 and would have to say insecurity can sometimes rise due to job demands. I want to do well on my job and when I make mistakes that causes insecurities. This unfortunately can cause me to be grumpy, which if I don’t watch it can affect my marriage.
2. I see insecurities in women sometimes when they are together. It seems they compare themself to each other, like regarding hair, clothes, etc.
Beth,,,,, Just wanted to tell you also, I have enjoyed your ministry teaching and studies immensely. I’ll be praying your book comes together and that readers are blessed.
God Bless
Since it’s you and God uses your ministry to grow my wife in Godliness. I’m 53 – here goes.
1. I am most often insecure about leading with Godly, wise decisions in the gray areas. I don’t always make the right “black and white†decisions but I’m secure about what IS right and wrong – even when I make wrong choices. My insecurities come in gray areas because the good is the enemy of the best. When should I fight to influence others to go my way and when do I go with the flow? Am I being a selfish hypocrite by going counter to others because I want to be different, to be in charge, to try to look smarter or holier than someone else or am I really in the place I’m put to be a Godly influence. This can show up at home, at work or at church. At church as a committee member or in a leadership position – no body died and made me king but have I been placed in this spot for “such a time as thisâ€. At work in personnel issues is it right to fire this person because of performance issues or to try to salvage them? What is best for them spiritually (sometimes they need to be fired) and what is best long term for the company. And at home, how do we spend our money and what kind of lifestyle do we lead? Are we providing the right example for our daughters and do our daily choices truly honor Christ.
When I’m feeling insecure I get quite, suffer paralysis by analysis, and get defensive. It’s a good time to go out and mow or do some other work with a power tool. Two things happen when I do this. I don’t have to talk to anybody about my insecurity/stress and I do something I know I CAN do and I’m not dealing with or concentrating on whatever is eating at me.
2. The most common way I notice insecurity in women is in their eyes, particularly eyes that look down and away when you look into them. Oddly, I often notice this after or during a display of false bravado that seems to be an overcompensation for an insecurity. This false bravado can take the forms of aggressiveness, talkativeness or of flirtation. The aggressiveness in challenging the world to dare to put them down because of (fill in the insecurity blank). Talkativeness by attempting to control the conversation including how self-assured they are, who they know, what they’ve done and sometimes humorous self deprecation what “doesn’t†affect them. Flirtation by wearing revealing clothes, fawning over a man, giving “the look†or using other feminine wiles that you gals know how to use to mess with our minds.
1. What are your primary areas of insecurity and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)
I’m 39
I’ll have to say that my primary areas are all about what I provide for my family. I struggle with income for my family since I don’t have a great educational background and have never had any real job security. I see my kids growing up and regret that I am missing opportunities with them. There are times that they need me to be with each of them individually but it happens far too little because of the amount of energy and time I put into bringing home money (less than 45,000 a year). Our home is a loving home and they are well cared for emotionally, but it would be great to take that fishing trip, vacation, or even take them out to pizza.
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
By women I’ll be referring to my wife and daughters. My wife gets mad and closes herself off emotionally and physically. Daughters do the same thing. I haven’t figured out a way around this yet. They want to know that they are more important than anything else and want you to prove it by choosing them first. Words don’t make a difference. The jobs and the brothers/sons must come in second or third.
I am 56 years old. My insecurities all relate to the degree to which I execute my personal responsibilities. My greatest fear is a fear of failing to properly execute those responsibilities, and in the process, letting down someone who is depending on me to handle my end of the deal (e.g., money for the family, completed project on time for the boss, Sunday School lesson well prepared for my church family). When I feel like things are not going well or I feel like the task is very difficult, I become very defensive when I am queried on topics relating to my work. I sometimes see “accusation” where no accusation is present (just a simple query).
The most common insecurity I experience with women is their desire to be understood when they speak. If they feel that they are not being understood, then they will continue to talk at length until a sense of being understood is reached. The rub is this: for them, being understood and being agreed with are identical concepts. If I don’t agree with them, then I haven’t understood them and I require further “education”. It’s difficult to have a truly open discussion and maintain a close relationship.
1. I am 27 years old and I am most insecure about my height and weight (or at least lack of the physical tone that I once had…). When I am feeling insecure about these two things I usually try to overcompensate with intelligence. I am also, at times insecure about my competance as a husband and father and my walk with God. These tend to act on me in different ways. I will sometimes get angry or crawl into a shell and not deal with things (and therefore become a worse husband/father/Christian). Other times I will really concentrate and strive to make myself a better husband/father/Christian by reading or talking to mentor type figures in my life.
2. I see women insecure about their attractiveness (always comparing themselves with other women) and about their skills as a mother. At times I also see women insecure about their place as leaders, especially in the church. So many have so much to offer, yet they are insecure about their knowledge or their right to share what they know.
P.S. Thanks Beth for all that you do. You’re wonderful and my wife adores your Bible studies. Your work has helped her to grow into a wonderful Christian young woman and has helped to strengthen our marriage. Keep up the good work!
I am 47 years old. My primary insecurity continues to be being more concerned at times with what others think of me than what God thinks of me. This tends to be especially true if I am around someone I lookup to or respect. I find myself talking about others, or things, in a way that is less than God honoring. I will feel the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling me, “this isn’t my best for you. Take the path of escape- say nothing, or say something positive about that person” as I start to formulate my thoughts of what to say, so as to have something to add to the conversation. Too often I will cave into the desire to be esteemed by others over the desire to please the heart of God. God is almost always faithful to give me a “rooster crowing for the third time” moment of conviction as the conversation continues.
I have respond far to often by caving in. Once I have done that, it is even harder to try to reclaim lost ground. Only rarely will I apologize for talking about others when they are not there, and find something positive to say about them, or bring to light I time I personally did something similar to what I have been finding fault with them over. Only twice have I gone as far as approaching the person I have been ridiculing and asking for their forgiveness.
As far as women, it has to be, hands down, valuing themselves by their physical appearance. I don’t think women see it as robbing God of His rightful Glory or God defaming. They would never tell a non-believer in words: “God is right most of the time, but I choose to believe, or my thinking is more in line with, Satan on the things that matter most to me.” Satan is a deceiver, a liar, and a thief. They allow Satan to steal the joy out their marriages, friendships, ministry opportunities, and on and on, because “I don’t want to be seen looking like this.” Guilt over this then in turns steals the joy out of their relationship with God. The message, intended or not, is “I can’t have joy with just God. I have to look better/different to have joy. God is not enough!” I often hear, “It’s different for women.” I think this is so only because the women of God don’t see it as Satan’s biggest tool to destroy their witness and rob them of joy. Women inside the church don’t seem too different about this than women outside the church. In fact, the image management side of trying to look like we have it all together as Christians, sometimes intensifies the problem among Christian women. The first thing most women say to each other at church or a Bible study is something about the other’s hair or clothes.
John Piper says, “God is most Glorified when we are most satisfied with Him.” My prayer for me is that I would love to please God more than men at all times. My prayer for the daughters of God (co-heirs with Christ, therefore princesses) is that they would see themselves through God’s eyes; of infinite value because of the price He was willing to pay for them; the crowning Glory of His creation. God gives Satan the ability to take certain things from us at times, but He can never steal our joy – we alone must decide whether we will give that to him or not.
I am a 50 year old man. What makes me feel most insecure is when people challenge my integrity and knowledge and when my opinions are undervalued or deemed to be not well thought out.
As a married professional and father of multiple children, I most see my insecurities arise when there’s a situation that I can’t control. I am a large, athletic man, a take control kind of guy. When my ability to take charge or to at least act on an issue is removed, I get frustrated quickly. I seethe over the situation looking for a way to interject like a lion looking for the weak buffalo in the herd. People close to me may get pushed aside, I become isolated, quick tempered, and insensitive. It comes across like I don’t care for others but the fact is I’m trying to help in my own way.
I most see insecurity in women through my wife. She deals with physical and work-related issues. She manifests these insecurities by withdrawing from the relationship. Sex is the furthest thing from her mind to the point of detriment to the relationship. When job related issues make her feel unattractive, or some dolt’s comments messes us up for the next few weeks, I just want to go slap the person who said/did it!! She’s an incredible, smart, capable, attractive woman. I wish she’d believe me and let me show her how attractive she is and how much I do believe in her!
28 Years Old
My ability to do my job, sexual prowess, and ability to provide for my family. When I start to feel insecure about these areas I find myself getting defensive to begin with. After that phase starts to pass I’ll look for affirmation that my insecurities are unfounded. Eventually I’ll start looking for ways to alleviate the anxiety but no matter how much I do I can never quite get rid of them.
I notice that when women start to feel self conscious they can become hyper-critical of themselves and begin to seek affirmation from the men in their lives, but not the women.
1. I am 67 years old and I become shy and introverted when I am around a group of strangers even if it is in a “good” setting (not a warzone, for example but even at a church potluck, which may or may not say much ;+).
2. I have noticed that some women have a tendency to stay in a “clique” whether it is beneficial for them or not… perhaps it is considered their saftey zone.
I feel insecure when I enter new situations that I am not familiar with, or with people when I don’t know what they think. I become sensitive and can either flee or fight.
I notice a woman’s insecurity when she does or says something out of sync with the image she is projecting. Many women today are trying to project a very confident, secure image.
I am 36 years old, and I appreciate your bible studies because it has really helped my wife continue to grow her walk with Christ which also pushes me too. I am most insecure if I am working hard enough and providing for my family. I am also becoming more insecure in my abilities being a father to my four young children. As a result of my insecurity I tend to work too much which feeds my concern that I am not spending enough time with my family. In turn when I spend time with my family I feel like maybe I should be working. I have a hard time balancing that and when it’s not in balance I become irritable. Just ask my wife.
Women seem to have insecurities about their looks and material things. Also about being good mothers to their children. I also think they are insecure about pleasing their husbands.
As a almost 42 year old that has been married for 18 years I would say that I am most insecure when it comes to potentially conflictitory situations…I hate conflict and will try to avoid it when ever possible. This has probably held me back in my profession…however, I have been trying to deal with this as much as possible…probably ols age and confidence are beoming more of an asset.
What I see as the major insecurity in women and especially my wife is their inablility to love themselves the way they are now. I think my wife is more beautiful now than when we got married. However, she fails to see how carring OUR children and the effects it has on the body can be beautiful…the thing is it is because she did these things for our family that she is more beautiful
As a 51 year old man, who has been married going on 27 years this is what I have found to be true.
Answers to your questions:
1. Women tend to talk more when they are nervous or insecure.
They become hyper sensitive to critism and can be defensive.
2. Men tend to be more aggressive and lash out when feeling insecure.
thanks for asking!
1. I am 55, married 24 years last Monday. Men are afraid of failure. I remember a class at a service school for Army Officers, most of us were West Point graduates. We were told to write our greatest fear on a scrap of paper, and not to worry-we did not have to tell anyone. Well we did have to tape it to our back! Almost every one of these men and a few women were “afraid of failure.” I still am.
2. Women (my wife really) get irritated/mad when I approach a sensitive area, and if I persist (not too often anymore) she will cry.
1. I am 42 years old and have a few areas of insecurity. Education is number one…it isn’t that I have a bad job at all…I actually have a good job that pays well for my area, but most of our friends and family have post High School education and no matter what the situation…I always feel insecure about it. I can’t say that I really know how to deal with this…it’s just one of those things that I can’t change.
2. Being a good provider. While I do make a decent living…I would love to make enough money to give my wife and kids the things that they want…not just the things they need. And it would be great to tell my wife…hey, just quit your job!
Last would be intimacy…or more appropriately…the initiation of intimacy. Hey, I am a guy…I would love to feel like my wife thinks I am amazing…just initiating any kind of intimacy goes a long way! I used to handle this by pouting…then getting ill. After years and years of that approach…I realized it wasn’t working…so I have tried actually talking about it openly…and that has certainly helped more than the pouting ever did!
What do I notice as insecurities in women? Without a doubt “self-image”. If I critiqued myself as much as most women do…I would never leave the house! I have a beautiful wife and two beautiful daughters…I only wish they knew how beautiful they really are…so I try to tell them so every day.
As men, I believe that we have a tendancy to compartmentalize our lives. Especially in how we appraoch things and how we think differently than women (check out Mark Gunther and his “Tale of Two Brains”).
We do this big time with work and home. Living one way at work, another at home. Insecurity, for me, shows up differently in each of these environments. For example, at work, insecurity shows up as being on edge, tending to be more critical than I should be. Perhaps I am trying to overcome my insecurity by over achieving. At home however, it is completely different. I tend to get depressed. Feeling unappreciated or unloved, especially if the wife is not affectionate (showing her acceptance and appreciation).
The second question is similar. Having been a manager, I have found that women when they feel insecure, tend to put themselves down. I may ask a fellow worker to help me on a project, and the woman would say something like “oh, I don’t know – you can certainly find someone smarter than me …” and so on. That’s when I take some time to just sit and talk (really to listen) with them because it let’s them know that I value them as workers and most of all as human beings.
At home, I find my wife usually releases her insecurity by becoming very quiet. Sometimes sulking a bit. Waiting for me to look into her eyes and discover what it is that is bothering her — ooops, sorry – that doesn’t work becuase men are so single minded. (I call it a strike force mentality) we can only work on one thing at a time, which really begs for healthy communication.
One. One of my biggest insecurities involves relationships. I am sometimes fearful that people don’t ACTUALLY like me as much as they let on (or that the people I know don’t REALLY want to spend their time with me). This plays itself out in relational passivity. If I’m not careful, I let other people do all of the initiating.
Two. I notice insecurity in women a few ways: how they look (it seems like she always needs to look perfect) and what they spend money on (it seems like she needs to have ‘name brand’ things, likes to purchase things because they’re status symbols, etc)
Age: 32
#1: One of my biggest struggles with security/insecurity is my failure to lead the home as I know the bible commands me to do. I get so busy with work and play(hunting & fishing)that I don't leave the necessary time for the things that truly matter, God and family. This business causes me to doubt because I'm not in the word as much as I should be. The family is the major building block of the church, and I am totally not worthy to lead mine. I need to be a better spiritual leader and I have to trust Christ to work through me. My actions when I'm feeling insecure are sometimes whiney and sometimes normal. Men are not typically emotional beings so its easy to hide insecurity. I am also a fact oriented person, so when I'm feeling insecure I know that I'm just being stupid because Christ secures all those who believe.
#2:Probably the common way I notice women feeling insecure is in their worry or anxiousness.
1. my greatest insecurity is around whether i have what it takes to meet my wife’s needs and fight for her heart. the feelings of failure or potential failure cause me to throw in the towel because it is “never enough”.
2. consistently looking to the man or a man to answer her deepest questions and longings.
1. My biggest insecurity would be “do people really like me?” both personally and professionally. I do not want to be the best (fill in the blank), but want people to genuinely want to be with me. I have either relied on humor or become reserved. This goes back to school where, I had friends, but was not part of the “popular crowd”. Then, as you can imagine, it spilled over to my relationships and for awhile, I believed I would always be alone. As I got older, I had more friends (and relationships), but they changed often, so did it matter if they liked me? And this still continues at 38 years old, just not as often.
2. I believe that women grow insecure by constant comparing to family, friends, famous people, and complete strangers. Sometimes they even look to these people for direction or live their lives through them instead of making their own path. Then when things don’t turn out as “planned”, they are devastated and feel like they failed.
My 62 year old husband said quite confidently that he does not have ANY insecurities at this point in his life. He’s retired from the business world and farms. He said he’s closer to the Lord everyday than when we go to church. He is blessed.
He said he notices the insecurities in women most when they loose their spouse and a lonely for their lifelong companion.
I am 39 years old and would have to say that the way it comes out at times is defensiveness and neediness also self doubt. You see when I feel that areas of my “manhood” or the supposed job description of a man is threatened I feel very small and actually quite timid which sometimes causes me to act out in many ways. Some of these are anger of course as a secondary emotion as a man I often dont identify with the primary emotion first. It causes me to want to “run” at times. What I have learned to do is communicate b/c that was the primary problem. “The mind is like a bad neighborhood if you go in alone you may never come out alive!”
As far as insecurities in women well clothing, attitude and the way situations are handled such as misplaced blame or accusations of ellicit affairs that tend to take a life of their own are what I have experienced. What I have found in women that are more healthy is that once again communication is the key and when it is there it does not mean that either partner does not have insecurities it means they are quelled quickly. Honesty and openness from the man tend to help a great deal.
Im most insecure about whether or not I can keep a woman interested for the long haul. Am I interesting or exciting enough? Do I have enough to offer? I guess it comes down to selfworth. Am I enough for her? When this insecurity rears its ugly head I find myself having to make sure the relationship is going well. I get worried that something small will derail it.
The two things I see in women are insecurities about outer appearance and inner beauty. The women Ive known seem to need the assurance that they are beautiful outside and beatiful as a peron. I guess this touches on selfworth as well.
1. What are your primary areas of insecurity and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)
I am insecure at big gatherings where I don’t know many people. Like cocktail parties for my industry. I tend to deal with this by drinking something and pretending to be on my cell phone until I see somebody I know. (Man, I bet that sounds crazy).
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
Not looking at me in the eyes.
Married, Age 28
Age 44
My Insecurity
I tend to be insecure when dealing with financial matters. We are blessed with my income but making ends meet tend to trigger the need to provide more for my family. As a result I tend to withdraw (this includes curt behavior) from the family and focus more on work brought home.
Insecurity in Women
I normally SEE my wife’s insecurity surface with what I can only describe as “hovering” (accompanied by interrogations). Once I see this I am able to ask how she feels and find out that she is insecure about something. Normally its that she doesn’t feel beautiful…something that I cant understand since I can tell you after 18 years of marriage she is the most beautiful woman in the world (and I make sure that she knows this is how I feel).
I am 31 and have been married for almost 2 years.
1) My primary insecurities fall under the theme of failure. A recent law school graduate, I am spending a significant amount of time looking for a job or at least enough work to pay down my loans. My wife is employed, so I feel like a bum to be jobless when she leaves for the office every morning. I know that the economy will turn around, but in the meantime I’m quite insecure about my ability to provide for our needs. Another manifestation of this insecurity is an infrequent but recurring dream, where I am on stage and ready to speak to a crowd or sing in a musical but cannot remember the words. Like I said, this dream is infrequent, but it seems to characterize my fear of being overambitious and failing in front of my critics.
2) Hmmm… I would say that the insecurity which I have observed in women is that of a lack of knowing who she is and what she is called to do. Confidence, not arrogance, but confidence is a noble quality and far too few women seem to have it. Of course, this is a difficult thing to express because some women fake confidence and just become bossy and stubborn.
Anyway, these are my gut responses to your questions. I’m glad I don’t have to write your book! My wife loves your ministry and misses going to the live studies in Houston. Our prayers are with you.
At age 60, My past experience has been similar to the responses posted. I wrestled with today’s insecurities in my life. Health, finances, relationships, etc. are distractions that I deal with as they arise. When I can’t easily resolve them, I seek the comfort of the Lord. I know this is not directly answering the question. The only real insecurity I feel now is my obedience to God’s will.
My wife of 26 years seems to deal with her worldly insecurities in the same manner as I do. She has found much security in the church family.
When thinking about insecurities in women in general observation; dress, attitudes for attention, and “I can do it all attitudes” seem to come to mind.
Of course my wife asked me to respond to these questions. I did spend a little time trying to respond from my heart on these questions.
Beth, you seem to have the ears and minds of many women in our church. I have a question for you. What is your response to this scripture:
1 Timothy 2:9-15 (New International Version)
9 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.
11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15 But women[a] will be saved[b] through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
I have solicited responses on this scripture from both men and women. Women have not responded. The Christian men responding mostly feel we are not living up to our roll in the matter. I have not heard a sermon on this scripture. The pastor’s wife has put out an email titled “Honor Our Men” which addresses appropriate dress.
1. As men, we learn best when other men come along side us and show us things. Many of us learn by watching, then doing.
I believe that is how God intended fathers to pass their wisdom along to sons; grandfathers to grandsons.
Our fathers have been stolen from us. They are separated from us physically, morally and spiritually. Now we are a generation who have grown up without the assurance that “we can do it”. Instead of growing into mighty oaks, we feel like thin reeds.
Instead of entering into marriage, fatherhood and our professional careers with the confidence that we are strong enough to bear up, we move hesitantly, afraid to fully commit for fear of failing. There is a message of strength we must breathe into our children and fear replaces it with a message of weakness and apathy.
2. I see many women insecure about their true value and worth as God’s creation. While men try to answer the question: “Am I capable?”, I think women ponder: “Am I valuable?”
Prayers from Canada!
1. I am 60. Unless he has an out-of-control ego, any man has insecurities. The nature of insecurity varies throughout our lifetimes. At one point in my life my insecurities dealt with whether I could find a loving wife or whether I could be a good parent to my children or whether I could be successful in my career. Now, as an empty nester, insecurities deal with the future– will my finances support my wife and me in retirement; will we maintain our health. The common thread of insecurity seems to stem from the need to support my family, financially and otherwise. My reaction to insecurity is generally stress– free-floating anxiety and worrying about whether I can add a cubit or two to my stature.
2. Women’s reactions to insecurity varies as well. In some women, it leads to co-dependency. In the women I am around the most, it leads to anger and demanding or controlling behavior. Even though co-dependency is generally considered a “girl thing”, I am not so sure that there is a great deal of difference between men and women as to how they react to the stress of insecurity.
1.Happily Married for over 26+ years,
I find that men are a lot like the woman who sang in Britain(Susan Boyle)the song from Les Miserables ~ I dreamed a dream. We believe in ourselves and then “the tiger comes at night as they tear your hopes apart”.
Anger,frustration,fighting the battle ~ come at night and then we try to fulfill our “Wild At Heart” destiny. We are put on this earth to BATTLE AND PROTECT AND HAVE THE MIND/HEART OF A WARRIOR.
2. Women’s insecurities were actually proven on that same performance. (Susan Boyle)
My beautiful wife has such confidence,intelligence,power,lovefor others,talent until she allows HERSELF/OTHERS to bring her down by a word,look,feeling,emotion,
most that she chooses to accept.
From the #1 question I see woman judging one another like the British lady.
I watched that performance on youtube of a woman who was ridiculed infront of thousands when she walked onto the stage and opened her mouth. She was judged by her LOOKS and not WHO SHE TRULY IS WITHIN, and then Susan Boyle took that stage by surprise and HER BEAUTY WAS SHOWN BY ALL THE WORLD. Women are made PERFECT IN CHRIST JESUS.
Why do they allow OTHERS to TAG THEM A CERTAIN WAY AND THEY ALLOW IT?
Hope this info. helps you as you write your book. Men are warriors and women are beautiful beings of all shapes,sizes and colors.
Good luck.
I’m actually 41, but if providing our age is optional, I’ll be 37 again for a while.
My own insecurities tie mostly to my life long fear of failure and being viewed as insignificant or of little value. It has obvious hooks into how I would be an encouraging , loving husband or a compassionate father, because I am quickly convinced that I can’t do either one sufficiently.
I most often react by withdrawing and stooping into dark frustration and anger, which, if I’m not ready to let God walk me through it, will eventually lash out at my family in harsh words – only proving to me that I was right about what a failure I am at the role. It’s not nearly as fun as it sounds.
I suppose insecurity can be seen in women when they try to define themselves by what man they are married / attached to, or for that matter, what title, accomplishment or role they hold successfully. Having said that, I do not believe that to be a gender specific insecurity.
Honestly, how many of us men posting have any idea how women react to insecurity? We barely notice when they get their hair done.
43. Father of four.
#1 Having to truly rely on Christ for the well being of my wife and family – not me , not me and Christ, but Christ alone. Why I still look to the world for security I don’t know? Why do I want my kid to go to Princeton? What is so great about Bank of America or Headmaster’s List or Varsity athletics or all those Benjamins? I look to the world all day long. I am insecure in my lack of faith in Christ. I require daily, hourly, minute by minute prayer and surrender. I like to think that I am letting go, but have I let go? No way – work in progress at best.
When I get insecure I get “the vibe” – at least that is what my 14 year old calls it. My vibe is a distant, matter of fact, aloofness that could ice Dick Cheney. It usually means I have given up on a Godly solution to whatever problem we have and have left it to the world to decide.
#2 I believe that my wife’s insecurity comes from a similar place. She doesn’t believe that God really loves he like he says he does and so she doesn’t believe that I love her like I say I do – a lack of acceptance from the Father. So if God doesn’t love her, how does the husband or the son, or the daughter love her. Really the same as my insecurity – a lack of trust in the promises of God.
When my wife is insecure it is a physical, mental and emotional train wreck. When she is secure in her standing with Christ she is the sexiest thing on earth.
I pray daily for the latter.
Hope this helps.
I’m 54, insecurity being in bible studies I can’t read outloud and being in studies with my wife she dose bible studie 8+ hours a day and knows all the answers I just keep quiet and can’t wait to leave.
insecurity in women, outrages behavoir trying to get attention, poor cloathing choises, plastic surgery, some just keep there heads down and are very quiet afraid to talk. It’s sad they just need some one to talk and listen to them.