WOMEN: Want to help me out? Get as many men as you can to (anonymously!) answer this survey! Since I am studying our culture as a whole, I’ll welcome any man’s comments regardless of his religious affiliation. All I ask is that they respect the nature of this blog and watch their mouths a tad just like I’d want you to do. By now you’ve probably figured out that I am researching and writing on the hot button of women and insecurity. Many months ago when I surveyed you on the topic, I told you there would come a time when I’d want to ask the men some questions. The time has come. Perhaps you’ll be a little more motivated by the fact that I am actually going to post their answers (anonymous ones only). If they shoot straight with us, it should be pretty insightful. I only need to say this to a very few of you so the rest of you overlook this statement:IT WOULD BE THE LAMEST THING EVER TO POSE AS A MAN AND POST ANSWERS TO THIS SURVEY JUST TO GET A KICK OUT OF YOURSELF. Totally dumb. Refrain. (I’m no longer blogly naive.) That aside, thank you so much for your help! I can’t wait to see what we learn!
MEN: For the last 6 months I’ve been researching the topic of women and insecurity for a book I’m feeling prompted by God to write. Though I know that men have as many insecurities as women, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (male or female) to know that they differ, and often dramatically. I’m hoping in the book to offer a little insight to women concerning those differences and, of course, any similarities where they exist. Here’s the most important part before we ever get to the survey:
You need to know that my expressed purpose is to gather research for writing and speaking. By giving answers you are giving me complete permission to quote you in full or in part in any format that I find helpful. Due to the survey-nature of this blog and the way I need to use the material, ONLY ANONYMOUS POSTS CAN AND WILL BE POSTED. I would, however, love to have your age if you don’t mind putting that in your answers. That’s optional though.
If you’re still game, this is all I ask: that you’ll be completely honest and tell us anything you wish you could say if you could stay anonymous. Say as much as you can without crossing a line into something blatantly inappropriate for a blog like this. I’m so grateful, guys. OK, here are the two questions. Try to keep your answers limited to one average length paragraph each. You stand to be a really great help to us. I commit to you that I will try my best to be fair as I represent your gender in the material that results from your answers.
1. What are your primary areas of insecurity and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
That’s all there is to it!
PS. Don’t expect the answers to get posted right away because I’ll need to read through them pretty carefully and I’ll also let them stack up a while so that I can post them in chunks. I appreciate all of you so much and don’t take lightly that I have access to this kind of information. If you’re willing, please say a prayer for me as I write this book. It is a topic I feel very strongly about and I want so much for people to be significantly helped and for God to be pleased.
55 y/o male: Greatest insecurity: irrelevance; act out by competing in many areas.
Women’s greatest insecurity: being undesirable/unattractive. I don’t know what the single most utilized defense is.
I’m 47 years old, married for 14 years.
1. My insecurity can be distilled down to one item in all areas: fear of failure. Whether business, sports, relationships with wife and children, etc. Fear of failure can be overwhelming.
Much if not all of my life has viewed all interactions and behaviors as a game or contest that must be won. Come in first place or be a “loser”. Do more, do better, achieve and have more than the “competition”.
This cultural viewpoint hinders the surrendering behavior as I attempt to control the game and the outcome. The task of surrendering to God in order to live life as designed is a contary action for me. I find it demands training of the mind and heart.
When facing failure (real or perceived) I as many men do act with strength in effort to hide the truth. As foolish as it sounds, the more fragile I become, the stronger I act. Pretty much ensures the same results.
2. I will see women appear to “try to hard” at times. Attempt to garner attention and flattery. Additionally I often feel that women are more concerned with other women’s perceptions vs their husband, children, families. Fashion and style are given more value than the deeper attributes of motherhood, home life, etc. In defense of our wives, our culture puts plenty of pressure on them to adapt and conform. Probably difficult to measure that influence.
At 53 I often feel insecure when faced with major decisions. I second guess myself constantly and therefore I resist making a commitment to any decision. If someone objects to what I decide it compounds the issue and confirms my low view of my decision making ability.
I see women, homemakers, insecure over their contributions to the world at large. Since they get little or no external affirmation for the endless tasks they perform each day they often question their ultimate value, which is really very sad when you consider the extremely priceless role they play in our society.
I’m 23.
1) I’m most insecure about my physical appearance. I fear that the way I look would cause people not to see me as influential or respectable.
2) I believe many women fear abandonment.
Anonymous
1. I am 27 yrs old. My number one insecurity is how sucessful (or unsuccessful) I am. I want to be smart, strong, and dynamic. I want to be good at my job, and I want for that job (whatever it may be) to be important and have a considerable impact on people’s lives that I am in contact with. I am very aware of my age in relation to what others have accomplished, and sometimes what I view as healthy competition may border on insecurity. Admittedly, sometimes in response to this insecurity, I manage my time irresponsibly in order to work harder and longer on things that will make me more successful at my job instead of doing things to further God’s kingdom. I continue to work on pursuing passion for Him and His will for me.
2. I think no one woman is insecure about exactly the same thing. I think it has to do a lot about their upbringing, but of course societal gender roles and corresponding values have a HUGE impact on this. For some women, this takes the shape of beauty, for others home-making abilities (cooking, how clean of a house), or her abilities as a mother. Really, anything that society has said is important for a woman to do or be (and that she has bought in to during her upbringing). For some, I think there is a “counter” gender role at work, i.e., success at work and competition with their male counterparts. And when it comes to relationships, (and I don’t understand this at all), I think women truly question and analyze everything that a guy does and looks for signs that he doesn’t love her. Or maybe even that he is insincere in his love, or that there is a lack of compatability.
I am 54 years old. A primary area of insecurity for me is rejection, in any environment. The way I react to rejection varies, depending on the environment. I either lash out, or turn inward in response to rejection. Another area of insecurity is disrespect. My typical response to insecurity is lashing out.
Women seem to constantly critique/compare themselves to other women, especially in the area of their physical appearance.
They often question whether or not they are truly loved.
I’m twenty seven, and the thing I realize fuels my insecurity most is the thought that my value stems only from my utility. The few times I’ve failed when it mattered, when something important was on the line, have been the times of deepest wounding not because I wasn’t good enough or because I couldn’t deliver but because those whom I loved and I thought loved me had no further use for me.
What are your primary areas of insecurity and how do they tend to act on you?
I am 40. To be the spiritual leader in our house. It is discouraging when my wife tells me that I am not living in the word when ever she does not agree with me (even when backed up by scripture). Am I wrong about everything all the time? Can I take out the trash right? Jealousy and self-esteem, I have a difficult time with the fact that everything in my wife’s life is more important than me. I honored that Jesus is at the center of our life. But I take last place to everything. Sometimes I wonder if she would rather be married to Beth Moore. Romantic encounters are treated like a job that she does not like “you should be happy nowâ€. She will do any bible study as long as it not on marriage. I feel taken for granted and dismissed. These are issues that bother me when I am not living with god in my heart. These trials although difficult, renew and strengthen my relationship with my father Jesus Christ.
What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
Self-esteem they seem to worry about what other people think. What kind of housekeeper am I? Am I a good mom? How do I look?