WOMEN: Want to help me out? Get as many men as you can to (anonymously!) answer this survey! Since I am studying our culture as a whole, I’ll welcome any man’s comments regardless of his religious affiliation. All I ask is that they respect the nature of this blog and watch their mouths a tad just like I’d want you to do. By now you’ve probably figured out that I am researching and writing on the hot button of women and insecurity. Many months ago when I surveyed you on the topic, I told you there would come a time when I’d want to ask the men some questions. The time has come. Perhaps you’ll be a little more motivated by the fact that I am actually going to post their answers (anonymous ones only). If they shoot straight with us, it should be pretty insightful. I only need to say this to a very few of you so the rest of you overlook this statement:IT WOULD BE THE LAMEST THING EVER TO POSE AS A MAN AND POST ANSWERS TO THIS SURVEY JUST TO GET A KICK OUT OF YOURSELF. Totally dumb. Refrain. (I’m no longer blogly naive.) That aside, thank you so much for your help! I can’t wait to see what we learn!
MEN: For the last 6 months I’ve been researching the topic of women and insecurity for a book I’m feeling prompted by God to write. Though I know that men have as many insecurities as women, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (male or female) to know that they differ, and often dramatically. I’m hoping in the book to offer a little insight to women concerning those differences and, of course, any similarities where they exist. Here’s the most important part before we ever get to the survey:
You need to know that my expressed purpose is to gather research for writing and speaking. By giving answers you are giving me complete permission to quote you in full or in part in any format that I find helpful. Due to the survey-nature of this blog and the way I need to use the material, ONLY ANONYMOUS POSTS CAN AND WILL BE POSTED. I would, however, love to have your age if you don’t mind putting that in your answers. That’s optional though.
If you’re still game, this is all I ask: that you’ll be completely honest and tell us anything you wish you could say if you could stay anonymous. Say as much as you can without crossing a line into something blatantly inappropriate for a blog like this. I’m so grateful, guys. OK, here are the two questions. Try to keep your answers limited to one average length paragraph each. You stand to be a really great help to us. I commit to you that I will try my best to be fair as I represent your gender in the material that results from your answers.
1. What are your primary areas of insecurity and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
That’s all there is to it!
PS. Don’t expect the answers to get posted right away because I’ll need to read through them pretty carefully and I’ll also let them stack up a while so that I can post them in chunks. I appreciate all of you so much and don’t take lightly that I have access to this kind of information. If you’re willing, please say a prayer for me as I write this book. It is a topic I feel very strongly about and I want so much for people to be significantly helped and for God to be pleased.
1. I am fortunate that I don’t have any insecurities that I can think of. We have been blessed with good incomes, two fine daughters and a good home and church family. If I ever do get stressed and feel inadequate it is when I have committed myself to do something that is not within my area of expertise or that God probably has not called me to do. I get over-committed. During those times I do feel stretched and stressed. This tends to make me withdrawn and thinking constantly about how to complete the tasks I have accepted within the timeframes given. I have learned through the years to try to limit myself to what I believe God has called me to do and not take on too many additional responsibilities.
2. I don’t really notice other women besides my wife and my daughters, so my observations are somewhat limited. I can sense stress in my wife by her countenance. When stressed, she seems weighed down by it and worries too much. She does talk about the problems, but doesn’t often want me to try to suggest solutions – just to listen to the problems and sympathize. That is somewhat frustrating, as I am an engineer and am wired to fix things. My oldest daughter holds her stresses in until she reaches a crisis and then calls us to unload. After that she will go on with whatever she is facing. My youngest daughter doesn’t show signs of stress that I have seen.
Beth – My husband was glad to finally get to comment on your blog he has to hear all about all the time from me! Here’s his comments on your two questions.
1. He said that he believes that most men have insecurities when dealing with women. He understands that men and women are different but still struggles with how to handle the differences and feels challenged and probably insecure when trying to do so. He also stated that when it comes to projects around the house he feels some insecurity because he feels that he might not be able to get the result he had envisioned that it is easier to hire a professional than to attempt and fail at the project – he wants perfection and can not achieve himself on certain projects i.e. expanding house or fixing items in the house.
2. He said he believes woman often feel insecure when dealing with other woman – competition, power hungry – critical in appearance, always having to be right, etc. (I agree with him on this point).
FYI – my husand is 58 years old.
I am 36 and most common area of insecurity is being worried that my wife is cheating on me. I have had this actually happen a couple of times and so when I don’t hear from my wife when I expect too or sometimes even if she is just out, my mind starts to what if? Then I work out how I will react when she finally tells me or I find out for sure. This is crazy, as I trust my wife and have no reason to doubt her, just past baggage rearing its head.
My wife gets insecure about her graduate school work and starts to doubt herself and question why she is doing it and her ability to do it. Along with this comes overly dramatic statements such as “I should just slit my wrists”, “I’m an idiot” etc. Lots of drama!
1.I am 44. I am most insecure when I look at being the man God wants me to be. Especially in regards to being the father, husband and spiritual leader in my home. I tend to withdraw from my responsibilities and may become defensive if questioned about these areas during a period of insecurity.
2. I notice insecurity in women most in their self worth. They so often measure themselves physically against very beautiful women who are much younger. They fail to realize their own beauty and discount the inner beauty that exist, especially spiritual beauty.
Age 62.
I really have few insecurities at my age. I overcame most of them (financial insecurity, short stature, lack of career progress). I really like myself a lot now and am very comfortable with who I am. Time, work and the wisdom from dealing with life’s problems help me overcome most insecurities. I do, however, have one pet peeve that annoys me to no extent — people not responding to me — ignoring my phone calls, etc.
As far as female insecurities, no offense ladies, but you have us trumped on just about all fronts (and that includes the “front”). Typical, common, widespread insecurities include looks, body shapes, lack of education or perceived intelligence, neediness and many others. It manifests itself in nagging, self-doubt, self-loathing, seeking approval/validation and the need for constant reassurance. It gets quite tiring for men who, as we get older, just love YOU for exactly the way you are. Can you not understand that???? We are not lying if we tell you we love you, you are beautiful and appealing and we enjoy being with you immensely. When women’s insecurities are vividly displayed to us, it turns us off, frustrates us to no extent and perplexes us. Get over it, darling!
And not all men are fixated on sex. That is a lot of hoop-dee. So many women perceive men as a bunch of libidinous, prurient, and dirty-minded lotharios. Unfortunately, most women (even 51%) do not know how to excite and make love to their men. The same, I assume applies to men in general.
1. I am 33 years old and my primary areas of insecurity are the fear of failure(or being viewed in this way), that I will not be viewed as an honorable man due to my actions, and that I will not be viewed as a “man’s” man. I do not enjoy talking about or dwelling on my insecurities. The way I typically deal with these insecurities is by “acting” proud and lashing out.
2. I would suggest that most insecure women are seeking “artificial” affection from men. They tend to want to have “emotional” relationships with men and look for approval from them. While these women may seem to be fully self confident often it appears that this is purely superficial and a front to hide insecurities.
I am a 49yr. old christian husband & father.
My biggest insecurity is overwhelming financial concerns, bills, etc. & the responsibility of taking care of my family.
I see the biggest in my wife is confidence in looks & low to no labido.
1. I am 37, Husband and father of three. I am mostly insecure about my physical appearance and wanting to be a Godly Man. I believe this is mostly an attack to keep me from having confidence to preach the Gospel. I have come to know this is due to not having any fatherhood growing up. I am seeking to change that by being that man to my family. My insecurity manifests as poor eating habits and withdrawing from others.
2. Women I know seem to be seeking like men or at least trying to better than men in attempt to feel safe as a women. Our culture chooses to misrepresent woman as less, but to the contrary womanhood is greatness to mankind. If only that could be taught along with true manhood.
Hi Beth, Well my insecurity seems to be in the areas of not being valued/appreciated ;be it at work and even in the home. When this happens I tend to get very quite and want to veg. not engage. As to the second question can only speak for what my wife does. That would be, how do I put it, she with draws in closeness and sexually. there I sid it.
1. My primary insecurity is being accepted by my professional peers who are my age. Usually to compensate I try to make a joke, or try to get people laughing. It’s taken a while for me to realize that Jesus accepts me as I am and that’s the only opinion that matters, but I still feel this insecurity breaking through at conferences or other types of encounters like that. I was always picked on as a kid and maybe that’s where this insecurity startd.
2. They way they interact: don’t make eye contact, don’t ask questions, don’t contribute in casual or business conversations, and settle for being treated like they are less than equal.
Josh, 35
1. In general, I would say that any arena where I am not completely sure of what is exepected of me makes me feel insecure. An example might be in the workplace where I have to write a contract but am not sure what the 2 parties need from the agreement, or at home when I am with the 3 boys and am not sure how to get them all down to sleep at the same time. I act pretty much the same way each time; first I delay acting, then get upset and lash out (at my computer or at anyone nearby), have my meltdown and freakout; then I ask enough questions or prepare enough to know what is expected, finish the task, and then humbly go ask forgiveness and extend restitution to those who were in the path of my lash out and meltdown.
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
I perceive insecurity in women as dressing provocatively or by controlling the conversation or atmosphere; both to artificailly boost their self-esteem, because they incorrectly gain their self-esteem or self-worth from the perceived opinion of others.
47 years old. Successful business, father of 4, married longer than I've been single.
I feel most insecure about my wife's love & respect for me. And that revolves around sex. I know… the two aren't necessarily connected, but they "feel" like they are; even after 24 years of marriage to a great woman. If we aren't making love on a fairly regular basis I immediately internalize it. And even though I know in my mind she loves me and thinks I'm great (she tells and shows me often) I have to fight the pull to withdraw and become deffensive. Then the lies begin "If she loved me like she once did". "If I was better and fullfilling her we would". "she doesn't…." ALL LIES from the pit.
The other area of insecurity is my parenting ability. I'm so affraid of being like my father! What do I do when I'm feeling insecure in this area… Try harder and pray a lot.
Question2:
I see insecurity about thier looks and parenting ability.
Even though she is the best, hotest mother of four I have ever seen!
For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. Psalm 103:11[KJV] Twyla Mcamis, Cleveland, Tennessee
1. 36 yrs old – speaking in front of a group of strangers. I respond by making them laugh.
2. women who talk too much or have nervous laughter show insecurity.
I have never really felt insecure. My wife tells me that is because I come from a stable home and I have always had alot of success in athletics.
I just never worry about what other people think. It’s a waste of time. Most people don’t really care and the rest you can never please, so why let it bother you?
Since high school and college, insecure girls and women have been the same – they are the one that talks the most, flirts the most, looks too perfect and the dead giveaway is how they always check around to see if someone notices them. Usually the best looking, but they need everyone’s attention to feel good about themselves.
50 year old Catholic husband and father
Hi Beth,
I am 32 years old. My biggest area of insecurity is about my ability to please my wife sexually, and being attractive to her. I tend to withdraw inside myself and also become snappy and defensive.
I think the women I know feel insecure around other women. When feeling insecure they become critical or withdrawn.
I’m 27 years old.
I’m most insecure about whether others will love me back if I don’t love them well. Deep down, I wonder who will love me back if I don’t do more for them than they do for me. This causes me to “love” others well. That “love” can often be a facade for my selfish insecurities.
I see women being insecure about how beautiful they really are and what others think about them. It seems as they are constantly trying to be pretty, as cute, as with it, as together as you name it as that woman over there. If I had one desire for my wife, it would be that she she would really know how beautiful she is to me.
Beth,
I am 46 and am most insecure in my ability to communicate and in social situations. As a natural intrivert, I feel out of place many times in these types of settings. Next would be in feeling successful at work. My tendency is to go into a shell and withdraw from people.
In women the two primary areas of insecurity I find are in their looks and female relationships. Looks fall under physical appearance and what they were. The other relates in the way women can be catty and judgemental toward each other for their appearance.
Thanks and Blessings!
Hello Beth!
Thanks for including the guys…I’ve watched you disciple my wife over the years and it’s truly been amazing to see the transformation in her. You’ve become part of our family! I also really enjoy your Bible Studies. And very important…we share the same birthday.
1. I am 46 and have been married for 24 years to my high school sweetheart. I am not what you would call an insecure person. In fact, I tend to be very secure. However, if I had to choose one “insecurity” that is devastating to me, it would be when my wife does not show respect towards me.
This can manifest itself in may ways, including undermining me in front of our children, putting her relationship with our children in some way ahead of our relationship, or simply not believing in me to provide for our family. All of these things cause me to feel insecure.
Early in our marriage my wife’s expectations for me were very high because she was looking for me to meet all her needs. Because I let her down so often, I felt trapped in a no-win situation and felt like a failure as a husband and as a man. This became a viscous cycle. The more I let her down, the more she would disrespect me, the more I, being wounded, would react in anger or simply withdrawl. It was not until she learned to put her trust in God to meet her needs that things radically changed in this area of our marriage.
2. The most common way I notice insecurity in women is when they obsess about their appearance or when they appear to be “needy” in some way.
I’ll be praying for you…and I look forward to meeting you in heaven!
10 years happily married, 31 years old. When I’m insecure I tend to obsess about details, constantly checking and double-checking to make sure I have everything perfect. It drives my wife nuts sometimes – she normally comes back with, “You know, honey, you’re going to be just fine. Besides, what’s the worst they can do to you – fire you?” That gets a smile every time. Thank the Lord I have my wife to break me of my insecurity!
As for how I notice insecurity in women: they tend to close themselves. Eye contact is not made; they don’t talk openly; my wife retreats to the bedroom, tends to get under the covers. She may also pick at herself. Of course, the most vivid sign I see of women in insecurity is the need to eat – but that’s universal to men too, I’m sure.
Failure! From a young age I’ve not wanted to disappoint. From family to friends I feel I’ve done so through out my life. As I get older this does matter less. Still- the last thing I ever want to do is disappoint my wife.
My wife is afraid of abandonment. I hope as time goes by that this insecurity fades away.
I’m in my thirties and feel most insecure in public situations (such as networking with new people) and public speaking (shy by nature). This fear causes me to avoid “speaking up” when I should or getting involved in ways that are more public.
One way I see insecurities in women is through the questions they ask. Often the question is not the real issue–instead, it reveals a deeper need that must be addressed.
I’m a 60 year old Senior Pastor. I have been married to my childhood sweetheart for 39 years. We have been in full time
ministry for 38 years.
1. I feel most insecure when I have to deal with criticism from church members, the church board and those that I love and respect. Depending upon the severity, I may become defensive. If it is a weakness of mine that is being criticized, then I may become withdrawn and if it goes on over a lengthy period of time, I may become depressed.
Refocusing on God and the fact that He loves and uses us as we are, restores my strength, gives me encouragement and the courage to keeping on walking.
2. The most common way I notice insecurity in women is the fear their own bodies; their size, weight, and beauty or lack there of.
I am 51 and been married 23 years. My biggest insecurities are, a. feeling insecure about sharing my thoughts and feelings and dealing with my own and others feelings. b. that I can provide materially at a level that my wife feels secure. c.being a good father to my kids.and d. being unsure of how much I am sexually desirable.
I tend to get quiet and withdraw when I am feeling insecure.
2. I notice women being very insecure about their appearance, and whether or not their husband is sexually attracted to them.
A young 28 🙂
My top three insecurities consist of my career, being an effective spiritual leader in the home, and being accepted. Most of my friends have a salary that is double what I make. I am an effective spiritual leader in multiple other ministries, but when it comes to my home, I find myself horribly inconsistent. And since my dad (whom is a great guy that I love much) has been married 5 times, and my mom has been married 3 times, I have continually fought for attention and acceptance.
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
Unfortunately, I see insecurity in woman when it comes to who they are. Society has told them they must work 40 plus hours a week, and still maintain all the traditional (some God given) roles as well. Men have failed to live and love and serve as Christ, and therefore women are insecure about being “women.†They don’t know if they are beautiful enough, successful enough, a good enough mother, good enough wife, and good enough homemaker. We as men (me included) have failed to assure women they are God’s most beautiful creation. A woman’s insecurities could be drastically reduced if men would love like Jesus did.
***Beth, thank you for your Kingdom work. Our family is looking forward to taking our family vacation next January in Houston, so my wife can attend your Scripture Memory conference!
Wow, that got long, feel free to edit! 😉
32, Married, no kids
1. I am not generally insecure. I have a wife who often gives me strong affirmations and I have a secure job despite the economy. We have an amazing marriage that we continue to work on, but we are on the same page on most issues. I’m most insecure about my physical appearance. I am thinner than most and genetically predisposed to stay that way. I tend to wear layers and like that we live in a northern area that has long winters requiring bulkier clothes. I can also find myself insecure when I speak with my dad. I feel that I have to justify my decisions and often seek his approval.
2. Women are insecure about measuring up to society’s standard of beauty.
My over weight problem. I tend not to go anywhere without a family member or a friend.
#2 The way the carry them self’s. Shoulders back, head up, standing up straight.
I am most insecure in awkward situations such as funerals. Not knowing what to say or how to act. I also feel insecure sometimes when making decisions that have permanent outcomes or affect others.
I notice many women are insecure about their looks/weight and about there bodies. Mainly women seem to be more insecure when trying to compare themselves with other women.
I am a 29 year old and have been very happily married four nearly 7 years.
Beth,
I’m a 39 year old man. When I’m insecure I tend to be defensive. I believe that insecurity is primarily due to lack of communication at times.
My wife’s insecurity tends to show itself in the form of irrational jealousy that is not founded. I feel sorry for her when this happens as I do not want her to feel this way.
I’m going to deviate a little, Beth. I believe we are all guilty in our culture of not communicating to our spouses. Instead, we find other forms (like blogging for instance). People are so distracted by these un-natural forms of communication, how in the world can they have normal relationships?
Beth, finally, I’m asking an honest question, and I would like for you to respond to this. Do you really think couples need another self-help book? Why can’t we get our culture engaged in the Bible? It is the greatest self-help book out there. Beth, I admire what you are doing, but are all these additional resources truly helping our society and the real Christian faith? The evidence suggests “no” as we are losing our culture. I believe this is a fair question.
Hello Beth, let me first say I am thankful for you ministry. My wife has gotten so much out of your words of wisdom and the way God has used you as an instrument for His work. I am 37 and I would have to say my biggist insecurity for many years has been my confidence in social settings. Even though I have gotten better with age, I have never been one who openly engages in conversation and I feel awkward when I find myself in a social gathering.
I believe that a woman’s biggest insecurity is with her physical appearance. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Sorry Julia Roberts, you are not the real Pretty Woman. While my wife may be thankful that her husband is attacted to her, if she doesn’t feel attractive than it doesn’t matter.
1. What are your primary areas of insecurity and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)
**When I’m feeling insecure, I usually am more anxious, easily agitated. My most common insecurities revolve around my marriage (my wife is wonderful, do I really deserve her), my body (I’m insecure about my appearance), and then lastly and probably the most prominent, I’m insecure about how well I can provide for my family.
2. What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?
**The main way I notice insecurity in women, in how even the most holy of them seem to be driven to compare themselves to other women. My wife is incredible, she strives to follow her Savior daily, but even she falls prey to the comparison quagmire.
**Beth Thank You!!!! Seriously Thank You!!!
Associate Pastor, 30
I am 48 years old. My area of insecurity is feeling the burden of being the financial provider for our family. I am content in want or in plenty – but I feel since Gen 3 – men have the burden to ensure financial security/provision for their families through toil. How I act on that insecurity is to try to figure out in my mind what I can be doing for more provision (especially in todays crumbling economy). The bottom line is I’m not trusting God enough for what we need (as opposed to what I/we think we want/should have).
The area I see women’s insecurities most often exposed is in their appearances. I should mention I live in Scottsdale which tends to emphasize that even more than the average city I believe. Unfortuneately with the “butt/ab burners”, weight loss plans/pills, cosmetic surgery/air brushed photos, etc…portrayed by the media – women have the odds stacked against them. I’m the Dad to two girls and my wife and I tell them all the time what every girl/woman needs to hear out of Ps 139:14…They are fearfully and wonderfully made. Matter of fact, my wife painted that verse around their bathroom mirror so since they were extremely young – they have had that verse memorized and see it each time they look in the mirror to counter Satan’s attacks.
I will be turning 30 in a week and a half. Some of my biggest insecurities are fear of rejection, fear of failure, knowing exactly who I am as a person and being that person, making decisions and sexual performance. I tend to shut off and not share my feelings and become very passive/aggressive. I also get very down on myself and think very negative things about who I am.
I see women as insecure in their personal appearance and the value as a wife/mom.
1. I am 43 yrs old. I am insecure about my weight, I shy away from doing things that other people do like water sports.
2. Women get emotional and defensive.
I’m 32, with all the usual male performance anxiety issues. For me, this plays out in defining my identity in terms of professional, financial, or other performance measure (even including hobbies), rather than anything inherent. I divide the events of my day into “wins” and “losses,” and a series of “losses” can send me into a moody or grumpy period where I try to run off to a “cave” and sulk. Thankfully my wife has learned to recognize these mood swings and is patient with me.
As for women, in my experience, it’s come down to looks more often than not. I don’t know many women who think they are physically attractive (or have a reasonable standard for what qualifies as that). Where most men I know would be fine with “reasonably healthy,” women scrutinize themselves and each other down to minute details. This “missing the forest for the trees” seems to cause a ton of insecurity in other areas, too: housekeeping, kids’ behavior, etc.. The result is that many women I know constantly feel the critique (real or perceived) from other women – they feel like they’ve been tried and found wanting.
23 year old, not married, college age. My Mom is a Beth fan and a Christian.
I’m insecure about my future in being successful and maybe one day having a family. I don’t want to screw that up. Everyone’s parents now days are acting the fool and playing like teenagers and it just messes the whole thing up, like cheating and divorce and then all those stepfamilies.
I want to be a real dad that sticks it out for my kids no matter what.
I don’t know of any girls that don’t act insecure. They are all up on guys and they sleep with anybody. They look hot but everybody says stuff about them later. There aren’t any girls out there that you would want to marry and be your kids mom. Sad
Leadership. I live in terror that when I say “Let’s go that way,” I’ll get ignored and look like an idiot.
The women I travel with tend to cover thier insecurity with babble. The more they talk, the more I look for something wrong.
1. I am 52 year old male and I work in a hospital and medical office predominately employed with women. Although the Lord has brought this up to me and I am progressively being healed, my primary area of insecurity comes out as an irrational reaction to a situation by which my demeanor is one of irritablilty and frustration. I am learning that as a man, I don’t like my authority questioned or undermined by women. If I feel like I am not being respected, I tend to react defensively. Respect to me means that you are going to listen to what I say and take it seriously and if that doesn’t happen I feel deflated in spirit. At home, my wife has complete freedom to make most of the decisions. But if I am feeling strongly about a particular issue or decision, I expect to have the final say.
2.Most insecurity concerning women seems to relate to 1.) how women look on the outside in regards to their appearance and 2.) how they measure up as a mom in comparison to others. Both foster insecurity.
Guys, I cannot thank you enough for your insight. Some things you’ve said were confirmations of what I thought – which I very much needed – and others raised my eye blows and caused me to really think. Needless to say, I love when that happens.
Though I can’t get caught up in answering blog questions because of time, I would love to answer the question one of you asked about whether or not we need another self-help book. That’s a great inquiry and I was not in the least offended.
I have never been interested in self-help except to help ourselves to Jesus. My goal in life is to encourage people to find God’s help. You are so right, the Bible is what we need but many, many people out there – MOST people out there – don’t know exactly how to find what they’re looking for in Scripture without some kind of guide. God has equipped His people with spiritual gifts of teaching and exhortation and encouragement toward such an end. The backbone of what I do is straight Bible study but, at times, I also feel led to write a regular kind of book that is topic oriented but with one goal: to get people to Jesus.
When my grandson Jackson was turning two years old, he was learning how to use a fork. One day his mom looked up and saw his chin quivering and his eyes filled with tears because he could not get his meat to stick on his fork…so she did what any good mother would do. She helped him.
That’s what I do. I try to help people get the meat of the Bible to stick on their fork so they can eat it. And then, lo and behold, they learn to eat for themselves.
It’s my privilege to serve you, Gentlemen, and, praise His Name, to serve the women in your life. They are like sisters and daughters to me.
Keep those comments coming! May God return blessing back to you!
I’m 34 and married.
1) I don’t think guys are much different than girls these days.
My insecurities are that my wife won’t always love me – or find me attractive – that she’ll leave me someday (though there’s zero evidence that that would be the case. We have a great relationship. It’s an internal struggle for me.)
I wish I was a better lover.
I worry that I’m not good enough to rise to the top of my field – and that I’ll someday be cast aside. So what then?
I’m insecure about being able to provide for our family financially. I feel a lot of pressure about money long term.
I sometimes feel insignificant – like I was born for something great, but that I wasted it and I’ll never get there now. I wonder if God gave my resources to somebody else like the parable of the talents.
When I feel insecure, I clam up and turn inward, and depending on the situation, I might be snippy or depressed…. or sometimes I pretend like there’s no problem at all, so she won’t see what I’m feeling and thinking.
2) Women strike me as insecure about the way they look – even when they look great.
I see my women struggling for significance beyond motherhood and being a wife, that it’s not enough.
1.
My primary insecurity is a fear of “failing to be there†for my wife and family if, or when, they ever need me. Although I was present for all of the important family events in our lives together, I admit, my career and work schedule created times when I missed being home. Perhaps it made both of us stronger as a husband and wife team, but I always felt badly when a work related schedule interfered with a family event. Oh, I made the big activities, but our routine little league games, dance recitals, tennis matches, first dates, etc. were important, too. Watching our kids grow up happens every day. To witness them with my wife was a blessing I always treasured. I missed some of those opportunities – and hold only my wife’s description of them in my memory bank – it is not the real thing! When I did miss something, I felt worried about the impact of my decision on my wife and children, and acted genuinely interested (I really was) to hear their stories when I got home. One cannot make up for lost time, but I tried to show them my love was with them, even when I was not. I believe I have a strong faith in God and, despite a fulfilling and successful career in which we received many blessing and enjoyed so many times together, I still realize this feeling of insecurity in my personality. My prayers usually asked for strength and a good attitude at work, so I could safely return home and “just be there†for my family and friends. I realize how fragile our lives – our happiness – truly are. I thank God every day for my life, my wife and my family.
2.
This is a touchy one, because I realize one’s personal safety requires all of us to keep our guard up against a stranger’s approach. Albeit, I notice insecurity in women when they totally ignore me, as a fellow human being, when I walk down the street or open a door or try to offer a friendly hello. I try my best, in appearance and behavior, to be a gentleman and a good Christian to my fellow brothers and sisters, but I often feel disappointed, no – insulted, that a woman just treated me like the criminal she just heard about on the nightly news. I really do not have a suggestion to resolve this issue, because I know our world today, of Political Correctness, lowering standards of behavior, etc., requires all of us to maintain a tough veneer against a stranger. I think we all suffer a bit when we cannot treat each other – women and men – with a friendly, genuine hello!
Beth,
My wife has been studying along with you and the Living Proof Ministries for several years. I have seen her grow in wisdom and confidence along the way, in part, due to your contributions. Occasionally, I listen to her while she reads or answers the blog, and I have attended one of your recent conferences with her. Beth, I have a high regard for your serious delivery with a comfortable style, I admire your dedication to LPM, and I respect your wisdom as you have reached out to all us – women and men, alike. You have enriched our lives together (now on our 38th year), as we have continued to grow together in our faith. This 59 year old, presently transitioning to retirement from a 35+ year career in aviation, thanks you for sharing your words and wisdom. …, I feel awkward as I enter an inner sanctum of the LPM Blog, but thank you for this opportunity to respond. God bless, you!
1-a. I’m 37 Raised Catholic and became a Christian about a year and a half ago.
I seem to be insecure lately finding accepted for who I am and for what I’ve done throughout my life “within” myself.
1-b. I go to God and His word for strength and still I find that I am constantly convicting myself. I need no acceptance or approval from other men, I know this as truth. God has blessed me! He demostrates His love, His grace, and His mercy to me daily. I guess my insecurity comes from not being able to fully accept that God can love me that much. Why is it that I beleive what He says is true for everyone but me? Maybe it’s pride or a lack of faith, there I go again… LOL I will never give up on me!
2. I am assuming fellow Christian women…
To me, a womans confidence is revealed to me through her eyes and her heart in conversation. When a woman believes that what she has to say is valid and true, she will look you in the eyes and smile from her heart. If general conversation (life, health, family, God) is difficult for a woman it tells me she is either not sure of herself or that she feels what she has to say is not going to be validated by the other person.
Hi Beth,
I am 41 and have three kids and have been married for just shy of 20 years.
1. My primary areas of insecurity revolve around my ability to provide for my wife and family. Provision in this sense includes physical and sensical. Being that often times, our insecuritues are not steeped in the reality of where things are, it’s truly hard to say just how my actions change when I become more insecure. My personality is such that I will keep all of these concerns inside and let the stew and boil until I find that I am depressed. Definitely not the most ideal way to handle them, but to push them onto the family would be to see my insecurity play out. It’s really a catch-22 with me. Fortunately, my wife knows this is the way I cope and deal with things so she knows when to push harder for conversation and bring it out of me. So, I suspect my normal action when feeling more and more insecure is to withdraw and become more reserved than even I normally am. I also imagine that while I feel as if my actions don’t change that much, my wife and family may disagree.
2. Women express their insecurity in ways that suit their personality. I don’t think there is one particular way that I can look at and say “that’s typical”. Some get loud, some go shopping, some plan social events, some cook and eat. What I tend to watch for are the coping actions that a woman (my wife really) might take. Once I know and understand how her personality registers with her confidence and security, I can gauge the opposite. The key is paying attention to what you see and what they are saying. I don’t typically notice women’s actions and assign them to security or insecurity because I don’t think I can know that without truly knowing the woman to a certain extent.
I don’t know if this is what you’re looking for in the questions, I certainly don’t have any single answer to define either one.
Age 59:
My greatest insecurity is knowing how many mistakes I made in life, how many missed opportunities I let pass by. But I’ve learned now NOT to live in the past, but learn from them. There was a remark made about men “being feminized” if they underwent cosmetic surgery or otherwise tried to improve their appearance. I’d like to suggest to Mr. Smart Aleck, that an alpha male like me would feel zero insecurity in trying to improve my appearance. That’s “bozo-thinking” on any man’s part.
Getting to the ladies, I really don’t have much to add to describing what I feel are their insecurities. I think the comments you received are excellent. However, I will say, as an author and speaker who wrote several book, one on listening and body language that most women fool themselves by thinking they are good listeners and more sensitive than us “neanderthals.” My research shows that actually a majority of women are poor listeners at best. They certainly listen more and better to their children and friends than they do their husbands.
The false perception that all men love watching and talking about sports, are insensitive, don’t read your subtle signals is just not true. I’m a well-educated, well-rounded male who like many others has good social, interpersonal and conversational skills.
I hear so many women complain they can’t find good men. They’re all over the place, but they don’t necessarily fid your idealized standard of the tall, strong, good-looking knight on a white horse who is featured in various forms in the over-dramatized unrealistic romance novels so many ladies crave. No wonder we can’t please you. I can’t even ride a horse!
1. 54 years old & from Texas. Areas of insecurity are a)my spiritual leadership. b)my ability to provide. c)my ability to protect d)and my ability to show affection. I usually get defensive and too aggressive. In another words, I go overboard in trying to prove that all is well which drives my precious wife crazy.
2. When too many body parts are exposed (insecure of her beauty and doesnt understand inner beauty), and when they go overboard to please0–( insecure about their wisdom).
P.S. My wife always wants me to look good so she checks my spelling in all I do. Forgive if something is mispelled but I am sending this without her seeing it first.
I am a 27 year old male
What i do when I am insecure is go straight to my wife to begin asking. Am I okay? Do I do well on the Job? Am I a good husband? What do you think about me?
How do I notice insecurity in a woman?
Many women who are insecure try to “buy” security using money. That is what I have noticed.
1. Male – Age 44. I would say that I withdraw when I feel insecure and those feelings are created when I’ve not performed a certain task to the best of my ability, or have just made a poor decision that makes me feel ignorant. Then I question myself, my abilities (not those of God, mind-you, as His are limitless) and my self-worth.
2. I find that insecurity in most women is visible in what you don’t see – their eyes, or general eye contact. We are all quite different and unique in the way God made us and we all react in different ways. Stress and satan’s attacks all manifest themselves in us in different ways – some withdraw, some eat, some don’t, and some go shopping to try and cure those feelings. When what we need to do is pray, read the Word and listen for instruction from Him.
Your ministry is a blessing to my wife (among thousands of others) and I thank you for that. Keep up the good work!
Beth,
I am 37 years old and I would say my primary area of insecurity is being a good husband. Unfortunately, I had a failed marriage and that has played a part in this. Because of it, it’s extremely important to me to be an amazing husband and when I feel my wife either disagrees or doesn’t seem appreciative, sometimes I may get defensive and angry first, but typically I will ultimately withdraw (take my ball and go home).
Being a stereo-typical “man-boyâ€, I’m not the most in-tune with women’s emotions, so I’d have to say that most common way I notice women’s insecurity is when there is a full-blown emotional episode where I’m told through tears what the problem is. On occasion though, I’ve been astute enough to figure it out when my wife gets upset and withdraws like I do.
1. Fear of rejection. As a result, I tend to withdraw from situations that could result in rejection like making new friends, stepping out of my comfort zone to share my creativity, etc.
When I am feeling insecure I tend to withdraw, doubt myself, to diminish the importance of what I have done or what God has done through me, etc. I also tend to react defensively and point any situation that could expose my own inadequacy back to the other person.
2. They are insecure about their appearance. They do not accept the way that God has made them physically… they are always trying to “diminish this” or “enhance this”, in general.
I am 38 and married to a beautiful, loving and caring wife!