You’re Killing Me

OK, so I just got back from the Kroger where I, under the terrible sway of Christian peer pressure causing a wretched relapse into approval addiction, attempted to get the ingredients (I hate that word) for an impressive (so-easy-anybody-can-do-it!) recipe. I not only want y’all to like me (y’all nearly killed me this week). I want Melissa to like me. And right now she likes cooking. Hence, my trip to the grocery store. Here are just a few of the things that happened to me while I was there:

1. The recipe was, of all things, in a Bible study (is nothing sacred?? The Bible study I’m taking is another story and something I’ll tell you about soon. Now is not the time. I’m too traumatized). SO, rather than copy the recipe on a shopping list (who has time for that?) I had the Bible study propped open in the grocery basket, pushing it around and staring at it all bug-eyed like I was in a nervous trance. A little while later I realized that several people were staring at me (the butcher, for one, watches on Wednesdays) and, as if those people don’t think I’m a big enough freak, they now think I can’t even go to the grocery store without doing Bible study. Deep sigh.

2. I’ve never bought a sun-dried tomato in my life and couldn’t find them for the life of me. I finally called my friend, April, who happens to be friends with the person who wrote the recipe and tried to enlist her able assistance. She produces music videos and was currently wrapping up a shoot with Miley Cyrus, to which I said, “Miley Schmiley! I’m cooking here! Get off your Hillary Duff and help me!” She did. I finally rounded up seven varieties of sun-dried tomatoes and ended up so confused that I bought all of them just in case.

3. I got so nervous and undone that I began perspiring and inexplicably felt compelled to do that thing the woman used to do on Saturday Night Live when she’d put her fingers under her arms. (No, I didn’t do it but I wanted to. And, no, I don’t watch it. I only know that scene by hearsay. I have a close relative who will remain unnamed that used to imitate her doing that under-arm thing to make me laugh. Well, every now and again I sometimes watch that “Best of SNL” show during prime time but I hold the remote control in my hand and prepare on an instant’s notice to push mute. I’m sorry. I talk too much when I feel compulsive.)

4. I then got so baffled at my own ignorant self that I started laughing out loud which, added to the Bible study open in my basket, made people nervously stand back and offer me full sway of the pickle aisle. (I was there looking for chopped black olives)

5. I bought my first Romano Cheese of my whole life. I then bought three containers of feta cheese because I didn’t know how much was enough. I then bought two jars of pine nuts because April said they’re easy to burn and I’m easy to burn things. They were a stinking fortune. A pine nut! A PINE NUT!

6. After spending an hour in the grocery store getting things I’ve never gotten in my life (pepper corns, for instance), I sped recklessly though the frozen goods and grabbed a package of Skinny Cows. Clutching them in my arms, I took a cleansing breath, reaching deep within for someone I thought I knew.

7. As if I hadn’t been through enough, an old man then flirted with me in the check-out line. Mind you, I don’t care to be flirted with by anyone but my man but this nearly put me over the edge. He had white hair and his golf shirt was tucked into a pair of sky-high-waisted blue-jean shorts which were accessorized with a leather belt that could have stood to be one notch looser. (Where was his wife when he left the house?) I think he had on dark socks and light tennis shoes but I was scared to confirm my suspicions with a stare. And all the while, he would not quit talking to me. The worst part is that I think he thought we were the same age. And I had flat-ironed my hair, for crying out loud! Where has he been? The experience was so troubling that I’m probably going to have to take something tonight to sleep. I’ve never been more thankful for my man.

8. To top it off, my checker rang me up at a whopping $168.76. Are you kidding me????? I was so upset that I almost left my Bible study in the cart. A startling thought that sent a shock-wave of adrenalin through me because I’ve written some private stuff in those blanks that I’m not ready for the Wednesday-watching butcher to get hold of! A woman’s Bible study is sacred! And there’s enough material in there for a whole season of “All My Children.”

9. By the time I got my groceries into my car, I was almost too exhausted to take my cart to the “Return cart here please” section. Alas, I did roll my weary self over there. After all, I’m a rule keeper.

It was a terrifying trip but then God did the nicest thing in the world to take the bitter edge off. I called Melissa to tell her that I’d gotten all my groceries for a new recipe so she’d be all proud of me and, before I could tell her, she said (brace yourself now because this is really good. The climactic part of this blog entry really), “Hi, Mom!”

“Watcha doing, Baby?” (Small talk before trying to impress her. Telling myself not to be too anxious.)

“I’m studying my Greek.”

I was awash with emotion.

God is better than He has to be.

PS. Making dish now. Wasn’t Al Dente the name of a Christian contemporary artist back in the 80’s?


201 Responses to “You’re Killing Me”

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  1. 151
    Joni says:

    Not only did your humor and honesty bless me, I was also blessed to know that you do have a compulsive side akin to my own regarding the approval and disapproval of others. Just when I think I’ve beaten it, it comes back to me. Like right now I’m fighting off a desire to run buy the same ingredients you’ve bought. And I don’t even know what the heck you’re cooking. LOL!

  2. 152
    Kay Weathers says:

    Ok Beth I Can sympthize with you on the whole cooking deal. My family say’s Chef Boyardee can’t even cook at our house. I don’t like to cook isn’t that why they invented resturants?

    And by the way what on earth is a “Skinny Cow?” Here in south ga we only have fat cows unless it is a milk cow and all of them seem to be skinny!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. 153
    thouartloosed says:

    I love you, siesta Beth. It’s a hard thing to admit we want those grown-up babies to like us-and the lengths we go to for it to happen. The Lord bless your heart AND this cooking expedition!

  4. 154
    autumn says:

    Though I am sorry for your trauma, I am so glad I am not the only one! Cooking is DEFINITELY not my forte, and any recipe with ingredients that I don’t know how to find sends me completely into paralysis. I don’t know where I was when the cooking, home decorating, and domestic lessons were given, but I definitely missed out! I am pitiful!!! Give me a Bible study or Greek class anyday, but not a cookbook!
    I hope your meal turned out well. You go girl, for going out on a limb and trying something out of your comfort zone. Who knows, you may decide this is your new thing!!

  5. 155
    Chelsie says:

    You are a riot!!!!! This is hilarious!!! You must share how it turned out. What did Keith think of the whole thing?

  6. 156
    bunny h says:

    Beth, when God gets through with you writing all these Bible studies, you need to join Anita Renfroe and Chonda Pierce on the comedy stage!! Hum, maybe in between writing the studies.You made me laugh so hard as I was eating spaghetti and reading your blog at the same time that I spit spaghetti all over the keyboard!!!!!!!!!My husband has warmed me about eating food too close to the keyboard, leave to Beth to make me mess it up!!!
    Thanks for just being you with all of us siestas that love you so much and consider you a girlfriend!!

  7. 157
    Anonymous says:

    Dang! You don’t need to cook! You live in Houston where you can go to the most yummy restaurants any place you turn around!! Enjoy them.
    and have pity on us who live in the middle of nowhere where you cant find a pine nut in the grocery store and anything worth eating HAS to come out of my kitchen!

  8. 158
    Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the laugh, Beth, and to Melissa for reminding us where our priorities should be.

    I don’t cook yet, but it is still a challenge to find things like snap peas when you’ve never purchased veggies that don’t come in a can ;p

    Can’t wait to hear how the dish was; sorry the cashier was…friendly?!?!

    : ) Needed the smile today, thanks again!

    Love and hugs, SJM from the Big D

  9. 159
    Kim Safina says:

    The Journey Continues ~

    B E T H!!!!!!!!!!

    Guess who I saw on the beach this morning? The Kroger Guy!

    I was walking on the beach and there he was white hair with black socks, tennis shoes, plaid shorts pulled sky high above his waist with the leather belt! He smiled at me while telling me I had the most beautiful eyes. I wanted to say something like ” thanks but Beth and I are happily married and not your type” but instead I quickly began jogging down the beach and caught up with my man as fast as possible! I stepped in doggie poo as I was jogging too! NASTY.
    Hope you are enjoying your Monday evening!
    With “Heaven Bound” blessings,

  10. 160
    purefire says:

    Beth, You’ve got my approval,cook or no cook! I love to cook and love trying new recipes, however, I’ve never made anything with the assortment of ingredients you bought either! Even though I love to cook, I still end up wandering the grocery store trying to find the stuff I need. Seems they are constantly moving stuff. Just when you think you’ve mastered the layout of your favorite store, they up and change it all around and you’re back to walking the aisles on a Mission Impossible adventure. On well, it will be worth it when you get to eat – hopefully :o)

    Thanks for “keeping it real”!

    Love ya’

  11. 161
    Cindy says:

    Beth, You are too dang funny!! I so feel your pain and I am a cooker! This is what the kids call me. Ingredients are so intimidating. I am sure in heaven that the food will just be there…ready to eat!! Love you!

  12. 162
    Shellie Paparazzo says:

    Oh, Beth. You didn’t have to do that. You’re just fine without sun-dried tomatoes or pepper corns. You have to be or I’m in big trouble!! By the way what do sun-dried tomatoes and peppercorn look like? Just in case I run into some! And if I find a need to buy some can I call LPM and ask?

  13. 163
    ccs1stgrade says:

    Oh Beth! That story is hilarious! You minister to us through the Word and through your wonderful gift of humor. What a great combo. On another note, remember those great open-toed high-heeled Payless sandals you blogged about awhile ago? Well, I saw the very last lonely pair of those sitting at my Payess about a month ago, and I rescued them so that I could feel connected to my favorite teacher…I call them my “Beth Moore shoes” My friends are jealous…;-)

  14. 164
    Faith says:

    Love you, Beth! So good to know that there are others that don’t really like to cook that much!

  15. 165
    Michelle says:

    I about lost it with the man in the grocery! Good stuff right here.

  16. 166
    Kelly says:

    OK, seriously, I felt those same hysterical giggles at the thought of everyone staring at you with your Bible study open in the cart. You are a Hoot!

  17. 167
    Amy says:

    Hee, hee, hee! reminds me of my 5 yr old lovin pulling his pants up to his armpits!

  18. 168
    Anonymous says:

    I love you, Dear Beth. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Please continue to pray for me.

    Much love,
    Sharon, NC

  19. 169
    Sandy says:

    My goodness have I been there! Seems everytime I try to cook as I think I should I end up breaking the bank! How do those super cooks stay out of bankruptcy court? Love you so much precious, fellow non-cooking, siesta!

  20. 170
    Kasey Ewing says:

    YOU are the best. We are SOO excited to see you in colorado springs on FRIDAY!! WAHOO! We are anxiously waiting for God to move here!
    Kasey Lowery Ewing

  21. 171
    Kathi says:

    Hilarious Beth! Thanks for being so funny and authentic. I don’t like to cook either…so this is how things usually transpire for me when I finally attempt a new recipe.

  22. 172
    Becky says:

    I about peed my pants reading this. I feel that way every time I have to get ingredient for something weird. That’s why I hardly ever try anything new, and why I’m not a fan of cooking. ha.ha.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one. πŸ™‚

    Becky in Tennessee

  23. 173
    Anonymous says:

    I love your blog and so appreciate your humor, humility, and wisdom.

    I know this probably isn’t the appropriate spot on the site to ask for this, but my mind is just not in sorts right now to figure it out. Could you blog readers out there PLEASE PRAY FOR ME?

    My husband had an affair, we reconciled a year ago, and now, as I am still having a very hard time moving on and accepting his love, he has packed up and left again. I know you don’t know me, but I would appreciate your prayers.

    This comes from an extremely broken-hearted woman who is desperately trying to cling to God in this time. Please pray God moves in the heart of my husband to come back, and please pray he moves in my own heart to give me peace and to help me trust Him no matter the circumstances.


    Thank you blessed siestas.

  24. 174
    Dana Nichols says:

    I was on the computer checking my bank account (not too fun these days, I might say) when I felt a nudge from the Spirit “you haven’t checked the LPM blog lately”. So of course I immediately did just that. Oh, praise His Holy Name, did I need that blessed laugh!!! How can I express the joy in knowing that our Gracious, Loving, Wonderful (shall I go on?) Lord loves a good laugh–as do we all. I am so GLAD that he uses you, Beth, and your sweet family to bless us with laughter and love. How much I have grown and learned in the past months from your Bible studies, I can’t begin to tell you. I just love you to pieces and Jesus even more!!!
    P.S. I’m making a grocery list this very morning getting ready for a major stock-up trip. I think I’ll take my Bible study along in case I need some encouragement and strength for the task!

  25. 175
    Casi says:

    Beth – you are one of the funniest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing through cyberworld. I can definitely relate as it’s difficult to come from a long–and I do mean LONG–line of gourmet Cajun chefs (no, I’m not exactly sure those terms go together but that’s what they seemed to be through child eyes) but not being able to boil water myself.

    Luckily, the good Lord has blessed me in recent years and I have come to realize that there are actually some meals I can prepare…Hamburger Helper is only one of my specialties :-)…

    He obviously knew my little one had a more sophisticated palette (she prefers grilled steak, ribs and brisket) so He has graced me with a husband like Keith who can turn anything into a culinary masterpiece…

    Thank you for using your talents to bless all of us. I am not exaggerating when I say that participating in the Daniel bible study a year ago saved my life. I have since taken the revised Woman’s Heart and am now going through Daniel again. It has been amazing for me to see how much my life has changed–thanks to the Lord above–since I first caught the excitement of eschatology.

    Thank you is not enough but THANK YOU!!

  26. 176
    1sam712 says:

    I loved this post! This is SO totally me. In fact, one of my dear friends told me she’d never ask me to cook anything for church again after she found how much anxiety it could cause. πŸ™‚ I’m just so happy to know that our Beth has grocery store/cooking issues, too. It blesses my soul!

  27. 177
    Vicki Sandifer says:

    You are a nut! That is so funny. I agree with the gal who said they wished the film crew could have been there. However, you can recreate that us – on film!! I would pay to see that!! Thanks for the laugh!

  28. 178
    ConnieJ says:

    Oh girl, that was sooooooo funny! I’m so glad it doesn’t just happen to me! I had my husbands best friend bringing his “new girl” to visit..turns out she’s a vegetarian! I had never cooked vegetarian in my life!! I had much of the same experience. Feeling the pain with ya sister and laughin allllll the way!!

  29. 179
    duffy says:

    Beth –
    You are too stinkin’ funny. Thanks for washing my mascara off today with your humor.

    You are loved more than you know.

  30. 180
    laytonfamily says:

    You’re wonderfully hilarious – I wish I would have been down the pickle aisle. I think I’ll hang out at the grocery store more often to people watch!!

  31. 181
    Longmeadow Mama says:

    Ok, this IS the all time funniest post to ever come across this blessed blog. I didn’t think anything could ever top the one about your jumbo pack drug store trip!
    Can’t wait to hear how the recipe turned out!

  32. 182
    Morgan says:

    Too funny! I love your stories! What is also funny to me is that I am currently working on a Greek assignment due tomorrow! Trying fervently to procrastinate, I really wanted to read your blog, which I did only to find out that your daughter is working on her Greek! I’m proud of her for persevering. guess I better get back to it… πŸ™‚

  33. 183
    katiegfromtennessee says:

    Beth!! I just got back from the video session on My Hope is in the Lord-I understand your heart on unity-I really do. The Body needs each other in deep relationships that are healthy and godly-to fight for each other in prayer most of all! There are hurting people out there-I’m with them, BUT God can Heal-He can! He can be Glorious over us like Travis sings!:)

    My study leader, Kathy, has talked to us about starting mentor program for women in our church, having older women mentor the younger women. I think this group has already taken me under their wing, at least one woman has definitely-I need mentoring. (I am 25 and they are in their 40’s and 50’s), and I THANK GOD for sending them NOW-when I needed it the most.

    Beth!! We also decided to take our group picture this coming Sunday morning (the day and night class), and frame it and mat it for you with our signatures and an encouraging note-anything I can do to encourage you, I am all for

    You fight for us in serving and prayer, and I want to let you know that I will fight for you, your family, and LPM in prayer for the rest of my life-it’s a promise (and I will probably live longer than you, so even when you go to be with the Lord, I will still be praying-Glory to God!). I am praying for this weekend-God to do a work in Colorado Springs.

    Love you, You are like a spiritual sister and mother to me.


    Joel 2:12, 25-26 (Amplified)
    12Therefore also now, says the Lord, turn and keep on coming to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning [until every hindrance is removed and the broken fellowship is restored].

    25And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten–the hopping locust, the stripping locust, and the crawling locust, My great army which I sent among you.26And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord, your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you. And My people shall never be put to shame.27And you shall know, understand, and realize that I am in the midst of Israel and that I the Lord am your God and there is none else. My people shall never be put to shame.

  34. 184
    Elizabeth says:

    Beth ,

    First off , I love you.

    Okay , um , I ‘m pretty sure you’re thinking Al Green. Being the same age as you , I would know such things. Remember he sang ” Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s gone ” ? ( “I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know “)

    If you ever need to know , you can just ask me. ( Heh !! I just told BETH MOORE she could come to ME for information. How exalted I feel. ; ) )

    We have Pinon Pines in my yard up here in northern NM , ( where the pine nuts come from ). Did you know , they only come out every 7 years ? And have you ever seen them in their tiny little hard shells ? And have you ever spent literally HALF a day working to get that little nut out of its little CASE , only to harvest a quarter of a cup ? And then did you ever just put that little handful in your mouth and realize it took you half of an entire DAY to get what you just swallered ???!! I have. Then you realize thats why they’re so dadgum darned expensive.

    : )

    I love you Beth.
    Thank you for everything.

  35. 185
    Anonymous says:

    Beth-with all that goes on in your head-and believe me I have an equally busy mind-it is a wonder that your Bible studies are so focused! Praise God that he pulls the chaos(of life and thought) together and puts it to work for good!!!

  36. 186
    Mary Burke says:

    You’re killing ME! You are truly one of the most hilarious people ever! I called my friend Megan to share this with her because I was laughing so hard, but she had already read it so we laughed together! My personal favorite was the man that flirted with you…at least he has good taste! Maybe you should condsider writing and starring in your own “christian sitcom” hehe I would definatley tune in! I look forward to seeing you in Boise in a couple of weeks.
    Blessings on you
    Mary Burke

  37. 187
    Georgia Jan says:

    Beth: This is absolutely HILARIOUS! I laughed so hard that I know I have stirred up some merry heart endorphins tonight!

    Your visuals were so vivid that I feel like I was helping you push the buggy (Southern for grocery cart).

    Not only do we LOVE you – we LIKE you and we just can’t get enough of you!

    I was shopping for a dress today for my son’s June wedding and a gentleman talked to me too…HE was offering suggestions for eye shadow to match my gorgeous iridiscent blue dress…so it could be worse than hiked-up bermuda shorts and dark socks!!! I’ve never known a man that could talk eye shadow with a woman – that was too weird – I just smiled and he walked away.

    Love to you tonight from GEORGIA JAN!

  38. 188
    Shannon Pate says:

    You make me smile and laugh!!!! Thanks! You are super great! That recipe sounded hard!!! I like the ones with 5 ingredients or less!! Love you!!

  39. 189
    ~linda. says:

    OMG this was soooooo funny! I can only see God smiling at ya. πŸ™‚ HE truly does do the nicest things…He put a smile on many people’s faces through your lessons learned…. you are soooo loved! ~linda.

  40. 190
    GRACEDONE says:

    I LOVE cooking and all things kitchen-ie BUT have recently had to change my diet (cholesterol yuk) and have had a few of those trips to the grocery store myself. I like butter, eggs, sugar, flour and presto you have food…now it is high fiber/whole wheat, no sugar added, trans fat free cardboard and grass with a splash of fat-free – low sodium chicken water for flavor! What is that about???? All I am saying is a trip to the grocery should not require a degree in health science and cooking should be fun and food should be good – health should be easy and cholesterol should be low – right???? Forgive me, did I mention I am 50 too?????

    Thanking the LORD for your heart and your willingness to be real so can too!

  41. 191
    Anonymous says:

    Isn’t that kinda gross when older men try to flirt gives me the hibbie jibbies. You are a trip maybe they are intimated by you . I don’t think you are weird by a long shot cause if you are than so are all your other Christian blog Sisters LOL! I sure hope the meal came out alright. God Bless You Sis! Lord’s got a sense of Humor and puts us into all kinds of crazy positions with different people .

    Love ya
    Your Sister in Christ
    Susan M.

  42. 192
    Sharmista says:

    Oh my land, Beth!! What a hoot!

  43. 193
    Rhonda says:

    Oh my goodness!! I needed that ‘laugh til you cry’ moment this morning!!!
    I LOVE to cook, have done it tons, for very large groups and just me and my man…but I have found that while those “exotic” and time-consuming recipes may be fabulous, the things that people ask for most are those wonderful comfort foods that not only feed the body, but also the heart, mind and soul!
    Thanks so much for the great visual! And the reminder that while I am a definite people-pleaser, I really only need to please HIM!

  44. 194
    jill says:

    Beth, I actually ran into you at our neighborhood Kroger once! It was New Year’s Eve about a year ago (don’t you remember? Ha Ha!) We have a good time in our Bible Study comparing our “Beth sightings.” I think I did hear word that someone saw Beth Moore buying $168 worth of pine nuts!

  45. 195
    Darlene says:

    “You’re killin’ me smalls.” Who
    cares if you can cook – just keep
    servin’ up the “Bread Of Life.”
    PS. 139!!!!!back at you, “fearfully
    and wonderfully made” whether you
    ever cook another dish. I’m sure
    it was awesome Beth. Thanks for the hoot. I needed it; today has
    been Monday on Wednesday. Now I
    will grin all the way to Bible study tonight. Sure love you a ton! darlene

  46. 196
    Anonymous says:

    You made me cry! Just thinking about how much you love your girls and us enough to do this! How great a mother’s love for us…Praise the LORD!

  47. 197
    Sarah says:

    I just read this and I about peed my pants! I love the way you write. I am so frustrated today for girl reason’s I guess, and reading your blog was the icing on the cake! I am now in a better mood and sooooo hungry! I wonder why…?

  48. 198
    Jean says:

    How absolutely hilarious you are! I love that your world can be both so familiar and yet so foreign to me all in the same blog! πŸ˜‰
    You totally crack me up! Thank you for sharing your life so openly –
    I love to follow this blog, but don’t generally add my “2 cents” worth. However, I could hardly resist as I laughed out loud while reading this! I can TOTALLY relate!

    May you and the rest of the siestas lift my family up in prayer as we are in our 7th year of trying to conceive a child while simultaneosly pursuing international adoption! God is faithful in all things!

    “In this world you will have trouble – faith shaking, heart wrenching troubles – BUT – TAKE HEART!! For I have overcome the world!!” (Jn. 16:33) Take heart, I will never leave you nor forsake you … take heart, I know the plans I have for you … take heart, the King is seated on the throne … take heart, Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world!! Take Heart!

  49. 199
    Anonymous says:

    This was hysterical and very real. The fact that you are a women that has truly been touched by the hand of God, and you are so humble as you endure lives praises and hardships, gives me hope. Praise the Lord one of the requirements for getting into heaven isn’t cooking.

  50. 200
    Fivebucks says:

    My daughter Katie invited me to this blog.
    I’m looking forward to reading more.
    She attended the event in Colorado Springs.

    Happy Mother’s Day

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