You’re Killing Me

OK, so I just got back from the Kroger where I, under the terrible sway of Christian peer pressure causing a wretched relapse into approval addiction, attempted to get the ingredients (I hate that word) for an impressive (so-easy-anybody-can-do-it!) recipe. I not only want y’all to like me (y’all nearly killed me this week). I want Melissa to like me. And right now she likes cooking. Hence, my trip to the grocery store. Here are just a few of the things that happened to me while I was there:

1. The recipe was, of all things, in a Bible study (is nothing sacred?? The Bible study I’m taking is another story and something I’ll tell you about soon. Now is not the time. I’m too traumatized). SO, rather than copy the recipe on a shopping list (who has time for that?) I had the Bible study propped open in the grocery basket, pushing it around and staring at it all bug-eyed like I was in a nervous trance. A little while later I realized that several people were staring at me (the butcher, for one, watches on Wednesdays) and, as if those people don’t think I’m a big enough freak, they now think I can’t even go to the grocery store without doing Bible study. Deep sigh.

2. I’ve never bought a sun-dried tomato in my life and couldn’t find them for the life of me. I finally called my friend, April, who happens to be friends with the person who wrote the recipe and tried to enlist her able assistance. She produces music videos and was currently wrapping up a shoot with Miley Cyrus, to which I said, “Miley Schmiley! I’m cooking here! Get off your Hillary Duff and help me!” She did. I finally rounded up seven varieties of sun-dried tomatoes and ended up so confused that I bought all of them just in case.

3. I got so nervous and undone that I began perspiring and inexplicably felt compelled to do that thing the woman used to do on Saturday Night Live when she’d put her fingers under her arms. (No, I didn’t do it but I wanted to. And, no, I don’t watch it. I only know that scene by hearsay. I have a close relative who will remain unnamed that used to imitate her doing that under-arm thing to make me laugh. Well, every now and again I sometimes watch that “Best of SNL” show during prime time but I hold the remote control in my hand and prepare on an instant’s notice to push mute. I’m sorry. I talk too much when I feel compulsive.)

4. I then got so baffled at my own ignorant self that I started laughing out loud which, added to the Bible study open in my basket, made people nervously stand back and offer me full sway of the pickle aisle. (I was there looking for chopped black olives)

5. I bought my first Romano Cheese of my whole life. I then bought three containers of feta cheese because I didn’t know how much was enough. I then bought two jars of pine nuts because April said they’re easy to burn and I’m easy to burn things. They were a stinking fortune. A pine nut! A PINE NUT!

6. After spending an hour in the grocery store getting things I’ve never gotten in my life (pepper corns, for instance), I sped recklessly though the frozen goods and grabbed a package of Skinny Cows. Clutching them in my arms, I took a cleansing breath, reaching deep within for someone I thought I knew.

7. As if I hadn’t been through enough, an old man then flirted with me in the check-out line. Mind you, I don’t care to be flirted with by anyone but my man but this nearly put me over the edge. He had white hair and his golf shirt was tucked into a pair of sky-high-waisted blue-jean shorts which were accessorized with a leather belt that could have stood to be one notch looser. (Where was his wife when he left the house?) I think he had on dark socks and light tennis shoes but I was scared to confirm my suspicions with a stare. And all the while, he would not quit talking to me. The worst part is that I think he thought we were the same age. And I had flat-ironed my hair, for crying out loud! Where has he been? The experience was so troubling that I’m probably going to have to take something tonight to sleep. I’ve never been more thankful for my man.

8. To top it off, my checker rang me up at a whopping $168.76. Are you kidding me????? I was so upset that I almost left my Bible study in the cart. A startling thought that sent a shock-wave of adrenalin through me because I’ve written some private stuff in those blanks that I’m not ready for the Wednesday-watching butcher to get hold of! A woman’s Bible study is sacred! And there’s enough material in there for a whole season of “All My Children.”

9. By the time I got my groceries into my car, I was almost too exhausted to take my cart to the “Return cart here please” section. Alas, I did roll my weary self over there. After all, I’m a rule keeper.

It was a terrifying trip but then God did the nicest thing in the world to take the bitter edge off. I called Melissa to tell her that I’d gotten all my groceries for a new recipe so she’d be all proud of me and, before I could tell her, she said (brace yourself now because this is really good. The climactic part of this blog entry really), “Hi, Mom!”

“Watcha doing, Baby?” (Small talk before trying to impress her. Telling myself not to be too anxious.)

“I’m studying my Greek.”

I was awash with emotion.

God is better than He has to be.

PS. Making dish now. Wasn’t Al Dente the name of a Christian contemporary artist back in the 80’s?


201 Responses to “You’re Killing Me”

If you'd like your own pic by your comment, go to Click the first button "Get your gravatar today ->", and it will walk you through a simple process to select a picture.


  1. 51
    Anonymous says:

    Oh my gosh – I loved Melissa’s post, but I can so much more relate to yours:) Happy cooking!
    J in Jax

  2. 52
    Tina Vega says:

    I have SO been there. Cooking is really not my thing. When I do decide to flip open a cookbook, I usually spend half of the day trying to find obscure ingredients and the other half in grief over what I spent. All for one recipe, mind you.

    One of my most favorite, EASY recipe resources (for meals, snacks, desserts, etc.) is the Kraft “Food and Family” free magazine. Just go to the Kraft Foods website ( to subscribe.

  3. 53
    Heather says:

    You’re SO funny! I’ve always thought so, but I feel particularly compelled to tell you today. I may never meet you on earth, but I’m looking you up in heaven. I just love a well told story! πŸ™‚

  4. 54
    Anonymous says:

    I absolutely love it! I can just see you walking down the pickle isle with your bilble study, laughing to yourself. What a blessing nobody called for the men in white coats! I hope the finished product was worth it. Let us know. And what a blessing to hear our children (no matter what age) get into Jesus! Nothing like it!
    Thanks Beth!

  5. 55
    twinkle says:

    So, you know we want to know how we almost killed you this week. There must be a revelation in that statement that we all need to hear. And we love you so much but we love your “Drink Offerings” you pour out on us even more!

    I looked for you a better Bible Study recipe and I hope you’ll try this one…


    1 c. plain M and M’s
    1 c. peanut M and M’s
    1 c. almond M and M’s

    Mix thoroughly. Serve at room temperature.

    THAT should be much easier and cheaper to make!

    May God restore you.

  6. 56
    Tara says:

    You crack me up! If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t ever bought sundried tomatoes or pine nuts before either… What kind of “so-easy-anybody-can-do-it” recipe calls for those things? But you’ve got to share…how did it turn out?

    Know that all the siestas love you for who you are- And if you were good at everything, well then, we probably wouldn’t like you as much! You’d just be too perfect:)

    Thanks for the giggle and the reminder of God’s sense of humor- Loved reading this one!

    PS. Can you tell us how the Esther shoot went? We’d love to hear!!!!

  7. 57
    Anonymous says:

    Beth…WE LOVE YOU!!! Always a delight to hear of your adventures and what God show’s you in the end. πŸ™‚

  8. 58
    Anonymous says:

    WE LOVE YOU!!!! Hope the dish turned out O.K. Just came back yesterday from Ladies Retreat and we did your Loving Well retreat study. Can’t begin to tell you what an impact it had on us. The area of knowing God’s LOVE for me has been a struggle. It gave me much to pray for and seek God about. And they got us the follow-up devo to take home YAAAY!! Thank you for the wonderful weekend, you were there in spirit I know even though you were being traumatized in the grocery store. I want you to know as you were searching for food items the FRUIT of your work and life was blessing us. In Jesus’ Love Kathy Knoblock

  9. 59
    Julie Marler says:

    You are so stinking funny! And this is way too stinking familiar for me!

    Love you Beth!

  10. 60
    Anonymous says:

    You are HILARIOUS! You are also so darn loveable..with or without the cooking!!
    Jenny from VA

  11. 61
    Janice says:

    Approval? You have more than that- our love! April sounds cool! Working with you and Miley= dream job. Loved the story- thanks for telling it! πŸ™‚

  12. 62
    GodsGirl says:

    After all that, you HAVE to share with us how the dish turned out!! I simply adore you!!

  13. 63
    Anonymous says:

    My husband laughed harder than I did! When is Curt going to start his own portion of this blog? Does anyone know some good “guy sites”?
    Kim in Apex, NC

  14. 64
    Fran says:

    That was hilarious!! I was kinda nervous reading it….I hope the food was yummy!

    We love you Ms. Beth! Thanks for sharing the fun with us.


  15. 65
    Corrie's Blog says:

    How did it turn out? πŸ™‚

  16. 66
    Dianne says:

    You are too funny! That was such a funny story and I can just picture you with your Bible study book open while shopping. Can’t wait to hear how the recipe turned out!
    Love ya,

  17. 67
    Anonymous says:

    I just kept reading all your comments because it was funny how MANY people kept telling you Al Denson like you didn’t know!….You knew right Beth?..part of the funny!

  18. 68
    Anonymous says:

    Oh, Beth…
    How timely your message is! I am bringing snacks for Ladies’ Bible Study tomorrow night. So, far, I made a box of brownie mix and I bought some microwave popcorn. I may get a veggie tray, just so my snacks are healthy.

    Most of the women in my Bible study are these great cooks and use ingredients I’ve never even heard of. I didn’t even know what “hummus” was until I joined this group (it’s actually pretty good).

    We’re studying “Breaking Free”. So, if you think of it, if you could pray that my snacks would be an acceptable offering unto the Lord…and to the other women who are there.

    And, you are right: God IS better than He needs to be.


  19. 69
    Anonymous says:

    Now thats an idea. A reality show of the life of Beth Moore. Siesta’s we would get to laugh like this on a daily basis! Love you Beth–thanks for the laugh.

    PS–My small group is doing your “A Heart Like His” from 10 years ago? Your hair is BIG and you are completely YOU and precious in the videos. Yes its on VHS–I found it in the back of our literature room in our church.
    God is doing a great work through our study. Awesome.

    Shelly in Largo

  20. 70
    Christine says:

    On a day when I most needed to laugh, you reminded me that there are things to laugh about! I’m glad I’m not the only one who has to stop in the middle of the aisle and call someone because they can’t find that rare but oh so important ingredient!

  21. 71
    RJ says:

    Ok, Beth, that was hilarious!! You seriously had me laughing out loud… My roommate probably thinks I’m on something b/c it made me laugh so much!! πŸ˜‰ You’re so great… (btw, we love you already… you don’t need to impress us, but it was sweet of you to think of it! ;-))

  22. 72
    JC in the HOUSE says:

    Oh, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve burned a pan of pine nuts!!!

    Thank you for your humor for the shared experience.

    Jennifer in FL

  23. 73
    Kimberly says:

    I’m right there with you. I just got back from my second trip to the grocery store. I took Grace with me the first time and about wore myself out. I, too, have never used sun dried tomatoes in my life and frankly can’t stand to cook. Luckily I also have a friend, Heather, who walks me through things. In the summer she grows her own herbs. At times she’ll ask me if I want some oregano or basil. I just stare at her for a moment and then we both laugh. Like I’d know what to do with that. However, I can make some pretty mean chocolate chip cookies. :o)


    PS: My darling one week from being 8 year old wants me to tell you hello.

  24. 74
    God's Gal Sarah says:

    All I want to know is, was it worth $168?! πŸ™‚ Usually the carryout boys that flirt with me are a little younger! (chuckling)Since we live on a ranch, we rarely delve into the mysteries of new foods–usually we’re just meat and taters! Thanks for brightening my day with your tale!

  25. 75
    Dana says:

    My favorite is getting hit on at the grocery store. It’s either that or the Ma’am comment from the 36 year old checker. Can’t choose what’s worse!

  26. 76
    Tara says:

    So what’s the recipe? Those are some of my favorite ingredients. I keep them all on hand!

  27. 77
    HisTreasuredPossession says:

    what a hoot! hope the dish was delish!

  28. 78
    Missy says:

    I love you Beth πŸ™‚
    I love you not just because of the already ten trillion reasons, but I love that you’ve never bought pine nuts, feta cheese, or sun dried tomatoes because neither have I…and I’m not sure I want to either!! God didn’t create all of us with a natural love for cooking, did He?? I DO wish I had more of a talent for it, but I’m a very basic cook, I must say. So…I approve of you if you approve of me…just the way we are!!! Eh? πŸ™‚

  29. 79
    Melana says:

    Like you need to do anything to make us like you more!!! Are you kidding? We LOVE you!!!!

    Forget the new recipe Beth. You just keep cookin up the new Bible Studies. A new recipe will thrill me for a few minutes. Your studies have given me a thrill for my whole life. I love you for how much you love Jesus and how much I love Him because of your obedience to keep doing this ministry.

    Melana in Wyoming

  30. 80
    katiegfromtennessee says:

    Beth and crew and siestas:

    I have had a blessed day in many ways-God is doing a work-It’s been a long, hard road and I’m walking it, but I’m telling you He is and will be my Healer!:) The Healer… Everything that I am today, siestas, is a miracle of God! I’m serious. Thank God that I can tell you all that…

    …and my husband got baptized tonight!:) He felt like God wanted him to say his own testimony and I can tell that God is already using his obedience-my sister-in-law admitted that she needed to be baptized too:)

    I also got confirmation that one of my little sisters is actually a christian-albeit and undiscipled one-I don’t really know what to say to these things that God is doing, siestas, but I know that God loves us all-“He chases us down” to say a Beth phrase. He loves us too much to do any less-completing what He started in us:)

    Here’s the Word God showed me today:
    1 Peter 5:10 (NKJV) “But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.”

    2 Corinthians 5:17 (AMP)
    “Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!”

    Love ya’ll always my brethren


  31. 81
    Angela @ Refresh My Soul Blog says:

    Thank you for making me feel more normal! I just went to a wedding shower today where it is always expected that I will be the one to bring the “spiritual” gift which I did. Intimate Issues-every girl needs that before they get married. And of course some good advice. Since I was the only one coming with a gift like that(Did I mention this was a church people shower?) I knew it would mean me being looked at as a freak as I am usually looked like but to make matters worse I arrived over 40 minutes late because I could not find the stinking place which was only 15 minutes away from my house. It was at the marina where I was but apparently there are TWO arenas that are not so close to one another that no one ever pointed out to me AND the one I was suppose to be at I could not even find the water that everyone said was there for the life of me. Anyway, after several calls with different people talking me through it I made it. But boy did I feel like the real freak. The sweet bride to be talked me there and finally decided to stay on the phone with me until I made it. She is precious I tell you. Like you really needed to hear all that but being a fellow freak it was just nice to hear another siesta freak story!
    Hope the recipe turns out wonderful!
    Much love,

  32. 82
    Judy says:

    I think the best part of this blog was the man at the check out. the visual was belly aching funny. I guess it does not matter who you are there is always that one. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.


  33. 83
    David says:

    Beth, Honey, we love you even if you don’t like to shop and cook! Just LET Keith do it! You know he likes to!!!



  34. 84
    Susie T says:

    Beth…that was Al Denson!

  35. 85
    kaydeebug says:

    crack me up!!!

  36. 86
    Christi says:

    What’s a PINE NUT?!?! Oh nevermind, think they are out of my price range. Too funny! Maybe I should take a bible study with me when I go grocery shopping with our five kids! Not even the white headed clerk will flirt when you have that many kids with you:)

  37. 87
    Anonymous says:


    You crack me up! Go Beth Go! Let us know how the recipe turns out.

    This is exactly how I felt when we were building our house and my husband sent me to Lowe’s (my home away from home at the time) to get electrical, plumbing,and other building supplies. I was definitely a fish out of water – but I just always looked for guys who were buying stuff and looked like they knew what they were doing.

    Here’s a tip. It’s OK to not cook – give it up to someone who likes it and knows what they’re doing. πŸ˜‰

  38. 88
    Anonymous says:

    Oh Beth,

    After a long day of hosting the homeless at my church, I came home exhausted but blessed beyond measure and God topped it with a cherry by giving me a big belly laugh picturing you shopping.

    Ain’t he great?

    Cindy in MI

  39. 89
    E-Dub says:

    I think I just laughed my Hilary Duff right off!
    Thank you for your ministry of interesting vernacular.

  40. 90
    Andreea says:

    I just loved this! The first thing that made me giggle was you talking about the butcher. The recipe sounds yummy, and LOL at you getting Skinny Cow. πŸ™‚ Way to go. I love Skinny Cow. And LOL at Al Dente. Haha!

    And speakin of flat irons…mine broke last night :(. I am currently looking into replacement options.

    Have a great week.
    ♥ ya!


  41. 91
    hislifeformine says:

    aaahahahahaha…deep breath…hahaha.
    Thank you so much for the wonderful laughter!

  42. 92
    Indy-Lindy says:

    I love you, Beth. I’m so glad you’re in my life.


  43. 93
    Keri says:

    LOVED this email. I can so relate to the whole grocery store incident…..except that I don’t shop with a Bible study in my buggy…heehee!

    I’m making Melissa’s recipe tomorrow and copied down several recipes from the comment section to make this week! I’m trying to have a good attitude about cooking….UGH! We’ll see what happens.

  44. 94
    Donna Carolina Gal says:

    That reminded me of the time I was searching the world for scallions. Thought they were something found in a can in the oriental food section. Had no idea it was located in the produce with the onions. LOL I didn’t have anyone to call and ask…just told everyone that they were sold out. HA OK…I asked God for forgiveness for that one too. LOL
    God is good and He sure has a great sense of humor! “studying my greek” LOL
    Did you tell Keith about the tramatic experience with that man? LOL
    Tell me how it went with the recipe my dear Siesta. How I love to cook but how I would love to be able to write like you do. LOVE YOU! Can’t wait to see you in Minneapolis in July!!!

  45. 95
    CountryKat says:

    Beth- this has nothing to do with this post but my daughter did something earlier this evening and I dont know anyone else who would appreciate and understand her heartbreak other than you and some fellow siesta’s.

    A few weeks ago I let my daughter taste her first Starbucks drink(just a sip). It was LOVE and she has not stopped asking me for her own Starbucks coffee drink since.

    Well, tonight we went to the mall and there was a kiosk that had a sign for a non-coffee drink and I figured that would be a perfect compromise- but they had just closed. I told her that if she would behave for the rest of our errands I would stop at a real Starbucks just this once for her, figuring surely I could find her a non-coffee drink she would appreciate.
    Finished the errands and with my handy Garmin plugged in we went in search of a Starbucks with a drive thru since the baby had fallen asleep in his carseat.
    Turns out the only Starbucks in town are one in the mall and the other with no drive-thru.
    My poor baby girl CRIED her little heart out over ending her day with no Starbucks. I just don’t know the last time I got such a laugh from her. She is such an emotional, sensitive person but this just beat it all!
    She cried over Starbucks…!

  46. 96
    Jackie says:

    Oh Beth! “Al Dente” and having to take something to sleep tonight got me to laughing out loud! And what was the recipe for crying out loud?! And is there a cheaper, generic one?? $168 is a little rich for my blood too.

    You are the best.

    Much love,

    Jax up North

  47. 97
    Faith says:

    Ohh, Beth. I love you so much! πŸ™‚ I’m glad I’m not the only Christian wife out there who gets intimidated by cooking! πŸ˜‰

  48. 98
    Anonymous says:

    Ok being the “single” i am, i too would have not a clue as to where to even look for sun dried tomatoes. I am however impressed with your desire to impress Melissa, my mom lets dad do it whenever i come home πŸ™‚ (ps i am 34 haha) My friends think i live off cereal and random sandwiches. But i am right there with you when it comes to receipes… if God doesn’t have a man that can cook for me, he probably knows i won’t cook ! LOL… Glad to know that there are others who struggle with the “items to buy”.
    laughing in SC

  49. 99
    AmandaNC says:

    Yes He is. Praise Him. Thank you for continuing to testify to His unending mercies and love.

    Looking forward to hearing about how the recipe turned out.

    with love

  50. 100
    Anonymous says:

    The only thing better would have been hearing you tell it in person!

    I have a great avocado salsa recipe that calls for feta cheese in the event you need to use some of that up!


Leave a Reply

To receive a daily digest of comments on this post, enter your email address below: