You’re Killing Me

OK, so I just got back from the Kroger where I, under the terrible sway of Christian peer pressure causing a wretched relapse into approval addiction, attempted to get the ingredients (I hate that word) for an impressive (so-easy-anybody-can-do-it!) recipe. I not only want y’all to like me (y’all nearly killed me this week). I want Melissa to like me. And right now she likes cooking. Hence, my trip to the grocery store. Here are just a few of the things that happened to me while I was there:

1. The recipe was, of all things, in a Bible study (is nothing sacred?? The Bible study I’m taking is another story and something I’ll tell you about soon. Now is not the time. I’m too traumatized). SO, rather than copy the recipe on a shopping list (who has time for that?) I had the Bible study propped open in the grocery basket, pushing it around and staring at it all bug-eyed like I was in a nervous trance. A little while later I realized that several people were staring at me (the butcher, for one, watches on Wednesdays) and, as if those people don’t think I’m a big enough freak, they now think I can’t even go to the grocery store without doing Bible study. Deep sigh.

2. I’ve never bought a sun-dried tomato in my life and couldn’t find them for the life of me. I finally called my friend, April, who happens to be friends with the person who wrote the recipe and tried to enlist her able assistance. She produces music videos and was currently wrapping up a shoot with Miley Cyrus, to which I said, “Miley Schmiley! I’m cooking here! Get off your Hillary Duff and help me!” She did. I finally rounded up seven varieties of sun-dried tomatoes and ended up so confused that I bought all of them just in case.

3. I got so nervous and undone that I began perspiring and inexplicably felt compelled to do that thing the woman used to do on Saturday Night Live when she’d put her fingers under her arms. (No, I didn’t do it but I wanted to. And, no, I don’t watch it. I only know that scene by hearsay. I have a close relative who will remain unnamed that used to imitate her doing that under-arm thing to make me laugh. Well, every now and again I sometimes watch that “Best of SNL” show during prime time but I hold the remote control in my hand and prepare on an instant’s notice to push mute. I’m sorry. I talk too much when I feel compulsive.)

4. I then got so baffled at my own ignorant self that I started laughing out loud which, added to the Bible study open in my basket, made people nervously stand back and offer me full sway of the pickle aisle. (I was there looking for chopped black olives)

5. I bought my first Romano Cheese of my whole life. I then bought three containers of feta cheese because I didn’t know how much was enough. I then bought two jars of pine nuts because April said they’re easy to burn and I’m easy to burn things. They were a stinking fortune. A pine nut! A PINE NUT!

6. After spending an hour in the grocery store getting things I’ve never gotten in my life (pepper corns, for instance), I sped recklessly though the frozen goods and grabbed a package of Skinny Cows. Clutching them in my arms, I took a cleansing breath, reaching deep within for someone I thought I knew.

7. As if I hadn’t been through enough, an old man then flirted with me in the check-out line. Mind you, I don’t care to be flirted with by anyone but my man but this nearly put me over the edge. He had white hair and his golf shirt was tucked into a pair of sky-high-waisted blue-jean shorts which were accessorized with a leather belt that could have stood to be one notch looser. (Where was his wife when he left the house?) I think he had on dark socks and light tennis shoes but I was scared to confirm my suspicions with a stare. And all the while, he would not quit talking to me. The worst part is that I think he thought we were the same age. And I had flat-ironed my hair, for crying out loud! Where has he been? The experience was so troubling that I’m probably going to have to take something tonight to sleep. I’ve never been more thankful for my man.

8. To top it off, my checker rang me up at a whopping $168.76. Are you kidding me????? I was so upset that I almost left my Bible study in the cart. A startling thought that sent a shock-wave of adrenalin through me because I’ve written some private stuff in those blanks that I’m not ready for the Wednesday-watching butcher to get hold of! A woman’s Bible study is sacred! And there’s enough material in there for a whole season of “All My Children.”

9. By the time I got my groceries into my car, I was almost too exhausted to take my cart to the “Return cart here please” section. Alas, I did roll my weary self over there. After all, I’m a rule keeper.

It was a terrifying trip but then God did the nicest thing in the world to take the bitter edge off. I called Melissa to tell her that I’d gotten all my groceries for a new recipe so she’d be all proud of me and, before I could tell her, she said (brace yourself now because this is really good. The climactic part of this blog entry really), “Hi, Mom!”

“Watcha doing, Baby?” (Small talk before trying to impress her. Telling myself not to be too anxious.)

“I’m studying my Greek.”

I was awash with emotion.

God is better than He has to be.

PS. Making dish now. Wasn’t Al Dente the name of a Christian contemporary artist back in the 80’s?


201 Responses to “You’re Killing Me”

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  1. 1
    Anonymous says:

    Mom, you are insane! Bless your heart. For all of you who do not know, in the Moore Family we call our tendency to buy three or four brands of the same item a “Moorder”. I realize that the Moorder was alive and well yesterday and I am so sorry that I may have encouraged that.


  2. 2
    One Thing... says:

    I think you should do a stand up comedy routine about your grocery store happenings. They crack me up! So where do you find the sun dried tomatoes anyway? Thanks for making me laugh today.

  3. 3
    Rebecca says:

    I LOVE IT WHEN U WRITE!!! I cant not wait to see you live in the springs friday!!!!! Im sooooo looking forword to it beth! Your amazing!

  4. 4
    Anonymous says:

    This is funny. I look up to you Beth for going out of your comfort zone and trying to impress your daughter. lol. I am a single almost graduated college student and I eat the same thing every day for every meal.

    breakfast: oatmeal with bananas
    lunch: 1/2 peanut butter and jelly, mini carrots, orange and some animal crackers.
    dinner: I made this soup that I was so proud of. Basically all you do is get all the left over veggies and add some beans. I have had that for almost 2 weeks now.

    That is what happens when you are poor college kid and have no cooking skills. Mom always tried to get me in the kitchen when I was younger but I would always run as fast as I could to go cut the acres of yard we had. Man do I wish I would have taken her up.

    I just pray that GOd brings a man that can cook. Lol

    You are great!

  5. 5
    valerie says:

    Beth…you crack me up! I love how you just don’t care what anyone thinks….with the Bible study book in your cart. That made me laugh. I could just picture you reading it intently while searching for those dried tomatoes.
    I love cooking, but am a practical “cooker.” I hate when I find a recipe that sounds so good by title and then I’ve never heard of half of the ingredients. I usually just skip it.
    This one must have really sounded good to you for all you went through. πŸ™‚
    It was so good to hear from Melissa and to know that she’s loving married life.
    And yes, as a mother of grown children it’s so good to hear their little voices saying “Hi Mom!”
    Be blessed this week!!
    Love you!

  6. 6
    kelly gibson says:

    beth, you’re hilarious. don’t be scared of the food- you are it’s master! dominate! πŸ˜›

  7. 7
    Anonymous says:

    “God is better than He has to be.”

    He is better than He has to be!!! Thank goodness!!!

    I bet Melissa was greatly entertained by this blog…course, I suspect she already knows your personality is just like the story expressed in this blog.

    There are times when I read your stuff and wonder if your life is really like this. OR if you are just a really good writer. AND then there are times when it is quite obvious that you are just really like this!!!

    I am experiencing a season where “God is better than He has to be.” He is showing so much presently and requiring faith to go forward. It’s easy to have faith for little things, but hard to have faith for big things. AND then easy to have have faith for big things and hard to have faith for little things…how human we are!!!

  8. 8
    Anonymous says:

    That was hysterical and I can SO RELATE!!! I do not like to cook, but when I try a recipe with “weird” things in it, I’m constantly calling my mom to make sure it’s the “right thing”.

    PS: I use to love “Al Dente”. (Denson)

    (can’t get the google/blogger to work)

  9. 9
    Regular, with half and half and raw sugar says:

    Beth, I was envisioning that entire post in my head with your Texas hair and bible study book. It was a great movie in my mind. Wish I could show it to you. You’d laugh even harder than I did.

  10. 10
    Marc and Charity says:

    Thanks for making me laugh today!

  11. 11
    Melinda says:

    Me: Laughing out loud in front of my computer, looking at it as if it is my oldest and dearest friend.

    Hubs: “What’s so funny?”

    Me: Beth Moore at the grocery store

    Hubs: Somebody wrote about the grocery store on their blog?

    Me: It’s not just anybody – it’s Beth Moore!

    Hubs: Is this Beth Moore the bible study teacher or, like, Beth Moore, a comedian?

    Me: Yes!

  12. 12
    Krista says:

    O make me laugh so much.i totally pictured the whole thing.posts like this are the best! the best part is how you had your Bible Study out as you strolled down the kill ME! i love you tons! o and for future awkward flirting situations, always pull out the cell phone and have a fake conversation πŸ˜‰ haha

  13. 13
    Nikki says:

    Too stinkin’ funny!!! I was laughing out loud!!! I wish I could have been there to see the look on your face when you realized that the man was hitting on you!!! Too much!!
    I hope that your recipe turned out the way you wanted! Last time I was in the Kroger I was finishing up my list and dropped by the ice cream aisle on my way to the checkout and to my horror, there were NO SkinnyCows!! They were there last time I shopped and hopefully they will be next time I go! Love them!!
    Thanks for giving me a laugh on a rainy and drizzly Sunday afternoon!
    Love you dearie!!

  14. 14
    Christina L says:

    Again, I am rolling with laughter. You crack me up. I hope your recipe turns out.

    Pine nuts are delious, by the way. I actually bought some yesterday for a recipe.

  15. 15
    jennyhope says:

    I did the bible study “No Other Gods” by Kelly Minter…it was so good but for the life of me I wasn’t able to cook up those recipes or spend the small fortune on all of the ingredients…I had no clue as to where I would find most of them anyway. LOL

  16. 16
    lbredhead says:

    This is soooo funny and I can oh so relate to this. I am a culenary night mare in the kitchen and if it can’t be dumped out of a bag already made or ragu… forget it.. it is out the door to the fatest drive through I can find. My poor children will not have learned any cooking skills from their mother.

    God is good and your blessings have touched way more than any cooking …so don’t fret. Melissa loves her mother no matter what…! And wasn’t it you we saw cooking for the dog at 1 in the morning in a black formal not to long ago…

    Thanks for making me smile I felt like I was right there with you. Many Blessings and I hope the food was good.
    love ya,

  17. 17
    MarySnyder says:

    jnAhh Beth — I’m doing this same study!!! Is this the Black Bean recipe? Idols? Or maybe I’m thinking of something different. If this is the one I’m doing, I love the study but I’m skipping the cooking part. … I don’t think I can handle a grocery store experience like yours. Thanks for the laugh!

  18. 18
    Anonymous says:

    First of all, that was so funny I had to read it twice…once before church this morning, and once afterwards. Second of all, those of us who don’t love to cook DO approve of you. Thirdly, I find it so refreshing that you (a parent) caught yourself seeking the approval of your daughter. As a fellow “approval seeker,” who for years has had an unrelenting drive to make her father proud, I found it interesting that he just might be trying to seek my approval as well. Especially since the older I get, the more I realize how much we’re alike.

    By the way, I sure am glad you didn’t leave without your workbook! Last week I was telling my husband about one of my answers in my Daniel workbook and he said, “You actually wrote that in your workbook?!” And I said, “Yeah! It’ my workbook, and nobody else is going to read it.” But it got me thinking…I wouldn’t want the butcher to read my answers either!!

  19. 19
    Catherine says:

    we don’t just like you…we LOVE you! πŸ™‚

  20. 20
    kctibs says:

    Oh my goodness! You are so doggone funny! Your trip sounds like an experience my sister would have (she cooks – just not a whole lot).

    I hope the $168 plus meal is absolutely delicious! And your man will love it – no matter what (I’m just sure of that)!

    God’s Blessings
    Kelli in Colorado

  21. 21
    Mommy Dot Com says:

    Sounds like you had a tough day at La Kroger. To keep all flirters away all you need is about six children hanging in and off your shopping cart as you make your rounds. Works every time but your pine nuts would probably get squashed so it’s a give and take.

    To make you feel better my daughter told me your blog rated genius on
    My blog was rated elementary. My husband and 10 yr old son got a genius rating,too. I told them I got an elementary rating b/c my blog name has mommy in it. But the truth is I had to look up the spelling of genius to make sure I was spelling it correctly for this comment! I did have the correct spelling by the way. I may need to change my blog to, “Genius Dot Com”…

  22. 22
    Heather says:

    The tears… are in my eyes. LOL That is hilarious πŸ˜‰

  23. 23
    Anonymous says:

    Beth, I had an old man (with very few teeth) recently stop me in Wal-Mart and offer me half of his food stamps. This is the only offer I have had in a long time. My husband has really enjoyed telling this story.

  24. 24
    Carol says:

    May God continue to bless you!!! You have our approval whether you can cook & shop for food or not. Thank you for the reminder that God has given each of us different spiritual gifts and worldly talents/abilities. We definitely NEED one another. I say Thank the Lord for cooking husbands & children and enjoy their talents & gifts as they enjoy yours/ours. Thanks for the laughs.

  25. 25
    Christal says:

    i am laughing so hard right now…what a great pick me up!! I luv yall!!!!

  26. 26
    Honea Household says:

    You are hilarious! I can’t wait to hear you tell this story in a Bible Study or at a conference. I want to hear your voice telling it! So funny…sounds about like me trying to cook. I love to bake, but I do not cook. I’m not good at it and I don’t like to do it. Baking is much more fun, and a WHOLE lot easier.

  27. 27
    Tealady Tammy says:

    oh dear siesta Beth,
    I was giggling so much I had tears running down my face. YOu and I would get along great in the cooking department. You must let us know how it came it out.

    Thanks for making me laugh
    love and sweet blessings

  28. 28
    HIS Daughter says:

    I am so sad! I don’t think you can be my “bestest friend forever” if you are going to join the “cooking group”.

    You have to promise you will not forget those of us who have probably been called to a life of microwave living.

    I am laughing at you because you are the funniest thing!! I hope your new life in “culinary art” is rewarding – but I love you if you just let Keith cook and you write Bible studies.

    Only your family gets to enjoy being fed expensive pine nut recipes…BUT, gazillions of us are fed from your Bible Studies.

    Come back, Beth…back to the humble microwaveables…we miss you!

    Blessings and love and tons of laughter!!

  29. 29
    Laura says:

    Oh….you are so funny! I wish I was grocery shopping with you today. I love the visual of the man in the checkput line!

  30. 30
    Elaine says:

    You crack me up. You make me laugh out loud and get tears in my eyes. Thanks for sharing!!

  31. 31
    Moops says:

    Just in case you ever forget, we Siesta’s think you’re awesome even if you never write another Bible study, push another grocery cart, study another Greek word, or shop another mall. You’re the best because Jesus is nuts about you….and us! Isn’t it amazing we get to love Him back!!!

  32. 32
    HIS Daughter says:

    I missed the Al Dente comment at the end! I was so afraid you were leaving to have your show “Cooking With Beth Moore” videoed I didn’t see it…:-) πŸ˜‰ You are sooooo funny!!

    Al Dente was one of the Pips, Beth. He started out that way and that was the 70’s, but you probably weren’t born then.

    Gladys Knight and The Pips – Al was the Pip on her right.

    You need to listen to Midnight Train To Georgia. After Glady’s sings, “He kept dreamin’ that someday he’d be a star”…Al and the other Pips sing..”he’d be a star, but he didn’t get far”.

    YOU have made me laugh so much and get downright silly!! Al Dente was what the green beans were that Mama used to say, “these aren’t cooked”… Thank you for making me laugh and be just plain goofy. We need goofy and laughter!

    Bless you Sweetpea,

  33. 33
    Stacy L Harp says:

    Now that was a funny story and got me thinking how would other godly bible teachers do their shopping…

    Let’s see…

    Kay Arthur…maybe Kay would do an inductive way of shopping. Research all the ingredients and their origins before venturing into the store…deep breath and get her coloring pencils to mark everything EXACTLY… (lol)

    Janet Parshall…maybe she would spend time in prayer and then clip on a little microphone and bring her DAT recorder so she could pick up sound at the grocery store, and then turn it into a whole radio show about how Christians grocery shop as opposed to the world…and then lobby for public policy for better shopping conditions for Christians…

    Shirley Dobson…maybe she would set up a national day of shopping and organize the nation to repent first and then buy the good food that simply focuses on the families good health…

    Oh, and I could go on…but I digress….

    Time for me to go to El Pollo Loco….see ya!

  34. 34
    Anonymous says:

    Do you mean Al Denson? I remember him!

  35. 35
    Laura says:

    I almost spit my drink on my computer! Hee hee hee, Al Dente….oh, didn’t see that one coming! I love that you are so funny! I was going to say real, but what do I know? Haa haa haa. I am still laughing!

  36. 36
    Kristib says:

    You crack me up! I can relate to the “wanting to impress” cooking thing. Try being married to a chef turned pastor who cooked for Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton for crying out loud! (By the way, Hillary asked for my husband’s salad dressing recipe)

    I think I had your dish at a restaurant called Mimi’s yesterday. It was penne pasta and chicken with a sun-dried tomato cheese cream sauce with pine nuts and topped with feta cheese.
    It was yummy! Hope yours was too.

    On a serious note, just wanted to let you know that your message this past week on Life Today and your devotional book Breaking Free Day by Day on Wednesday touched me in a place where I reallly needed some healing. It was so neat how the two related on the same day!

    Well bon apetite!
    Love ya
    Kristi B.

  37. 37
    Anonymous says:

    Oh Beth, you’re cracking me up! I’m sure dinner was outstanding!

    I love you!
    Anne in MO

  38. 38
    connorcolesmom says:

    That is so sweet that you were trying to impress Melissa and the Siestas
    I hope the dinner turned out for you and Keith.
    Hopefully the kitchen experience was less stressful than the shopping one :)!

  39. 39
    Anonymous says:

    LOL! It was like I was with you in the store. I can just see the butcher staring at you. Please share the recipe and let us know how it turns out. I love feta and sun-dried tomatoes. Hint: next time you may be able substitute walnuts for the pine nuts. Cheaper too. Blessings to you…

    Mary Ann, a MN siesta

  40. 40
    "Just Me - NC Beth" says:

    I am laughing so hard right now….you are absolutely a breath of fresh air that I so needed this moment! I am very weary from a very busy week, weekend and even a busy day today! I sent my hubby to church with instructions that when he left, to please go to the grocery store and buy me some chocolate ice cream!!! I need some comfort food!

  41. 41
    mitzi says:

    Hi Beth,
    I bought pine nuts just last week for the first time. I used to eat them as a young girl and wanted to be transported for a few minutes back to my childhood. Well, the pine nuts didn’t have a price marked on them and it was an itty bitty bag so I thought they couldn’t be too much. Well at check out I was surprised to find them marked $4.99!!! That itty bag.

  42. 42
    cindy says:

    Two things I know. One, God made some women who love to cook, and two, I’m not one of them!! I know the best take out places, though and I only do recipes with 4 or less ingredients !! Love ya just the way you are…

  43. 43
    mburkum says:

    Al Denson, Beth, Al Denson. :)And he had a Christian talk show in the 90s, too.

    What a story! How I would’ve liked to been the one following your through the store.

    I only had one traumatic experience. I had to get fingerprinted for my teaching license in a different state from where I earned my original certificate. So, I walked in to the state patrol, handed the girl my fingerprint cards and ID, and made small, pleasant talk with her. I walked into the room when she invited me, happy to see there was no ink involved, just the computer taking pictures of my prints. All was well as I left happily with my 3-1/2 year old darling who actually was a darling in the state patrol office. I got home and read over my cards, and this sweet girl who waited on me recorded my glorious red hair (which I am naturally)as brown…BROWN! For some reason, I was just crushed. Obviously, I need to put some copper tones back in the hair. I don’t know why this still bothers me so. Could I be a little too wrapped up in being a redhead as part of my identity? πŸ™‚

  44. 44
    Nancy Mon says:

    Beth, you should have come to Burnt Offernings, the kitchen konnection, that we did for Carolyn last year. It would have made you feel so good about your cooking. I just take a empty dish to Rice or Kroger and have them weigh out the salad or whatever I am supposed to bring, then put it in my bowl, and wrap it up. Cuts out on time taking the stuff home and then putting it in my own dish.

  45. 45
    Jan says:


    I think you met my Uncle Ray…


  46. 46
    iteachpe says:

    I love reading your posts. They are so funny and uplifting. I can relate your grocery store trip-I just leave out the stuff if I don’t know what it is! I’m sure not going to ask! Makes for some interesting dishes πŸ™‚ But it is only me eating it anyway.
    I love havng fun with the cashiers. I needed chicken for a recipe and moist cat food(was out) so I invited the cashier over for stuffed chicken-she thought I was really strange and I left rolling!!

  47. 47
    Elaine says:

    Ok, this has become even funnier…

    I FYI’d you on Al “Dente” and that he actually is still happenin’! And so I was googling “Al Dente” to find a pic to send you and all I was getting was 22 pages of pictures of pasta dishes. I couldn’t figure out why in the world I couldn’t pull up a picture of Al. And then it dawned on me… it is Al Denson (which others on here have already confirmed).


  48. 48
    Michelle V says:

    Oh Beth, we love you! And I wouldn’t have the slightest idea where to find any of those things either! Thank you so much for blessing me with a good belly laugh after a very stressful day!

  49. 49
    Karen L. says:

    after all that you didn’t give us the recipe???!!!!

  50. 50
    StaceyStace says:

    I see you have spied on me while shopping and have now described just the way I do it! This is so funny!

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