OK, so I just got back from the Kroger where I, under the terrible sway of Christian peer pressure causing a wretched relapse into approval addiction, attempted to get the ingredients (I hate that word) for an impressive (so-easy-anybody-can-do-it!) recipe. I not only want y’all to like me (y’all nearly killed me this week). I want Melissa to like me. And right now she likes cooking. Hence, my trip to the grocery store. Here are just a few of the things that happened to me while I was there:
1. The recipe was, of all things, in a Bible study (is nothing sacred?? The Bible study I’m taking is another story and something I’ll tell you about soon. Now is not the time. I’m too traumatized). SO, rather than copy the recipe on a shopping list (who has time for that?) I had the Bible study propped open in the grocery basket, pushing it around and staring at it all bug-eyed like I was in a nervous trance. A little while later I realized that several people were staring at me (the butcher, for one, watches on Wednesdays) and, as if those people don’t think I’m a big enough freak, they now think I can’t even go to the grocery store without doing Bible study. Deep sigh.
2. I’ve never bought a sun-dried tomato in my life and couldn’t find them for the life of me. I finally called my friend, April, who happens to be friends with the person who wrote the recipe and tried to enlist her able assistance. She produces music videos and was currently wrapping up a shoot with Miley Cyrus, to which I said, “Miley Schmiley! I’m cooking here! Get off your Hillary Duff and help me!” She did. I finally rounded up seven varieties of sun-dried tomatoes and ended up so confused that I bought all of them just in case.
3. I got so nervous and undone that I began perspiring and inexplicably felt compelled to do that thing the woman used to do on Saturday Night Live when she’d put her fingers under her arms. (No, I didn’t do it but I wanted to. And, no, I don’t watch it. I only know that scene by hearsay. I have a close relative who will remain unnamed that used to imitate her doing that under-arm thing to make me laugh. Well, every now and again I sometimes watch that “Best of SNL” show during prime time but I hold the remote control in my hand and prepare on an instant’s notice to push mute. I’m sorry. I talk too much when I feel compulsive.)
4. I then got so baffled at my own ignorant self that I started laughing out loud which, added to the Bible study open in my basket, made people nervously stand back and offer me full sway of the pickle aisle. (I was there looking for chopped black olives)
5. I bought my first Romano Cheese of my whole life. I then bought three containers of feta cheese because I didn’t know how much was enough. I then bought two jars of pine nuts because April said they’re easy to burn and I’m easy to burn things. They were a stinking fortune. A pine nut! A PINE NUT!
6. After spending an hour in the grocery store getting things I’ve never gotten in my life (pepper corns, for instance), I sped recklessly though the frozen goods and grabbed a package of Skinny Cows. Clutching them in my arms, I took a cleansing breath, reaching deep within for someone I thought I knew.
7. As if I hadn’t been through enough, an old man then flirted with me in the check-out line. Mind you, I don’t care to be flirted with by anyone but my man but this nearly put me over the edge. He had white hair and his golf shirt was tucked into a pair of sky-high-waisted blue-jean shorts which were accessorized with a leather belt that could have stood to be one notch looser. (Where was his wife when he left the house?) I think he had on dark socks and light tennis shoes but I was scared to confirm my suspicions with a stare. And all the while, he would not quit talking to me. The worst part is that I think he thought we were the same age. And I had flat-ironed my hair, for crying out loud! Where has he been? The experience was so troubling that I’m probably going to have to take something tonight to sleep. I’ve never been more thankful for my man.
8. To top it off, my checker rang me up at a whopping $168.76. Are you kidding me????? I was so upset that I almost left my Bible study in the cart. A startling thought that sent a shock-wave of adrenalin through me because I’ve written some private stuff in those blanks that I’m not ready for the Wednesday-watching butcher to get hold of! A woman’s Bible study is sacred! And there’s enough material in there for a whole season of “All My Children.”
9. By the time I got my groceries into my car, I was almost too exhausted to take my cart to the “Return cart here please” section. Alas, I did roll my weary self over there. After all, I’m a rule keeper.
It was a terrifying trip but then God did the nicest thing in the world to take the bitter edge off. I called Melissa to tell her that I’d gotten all my groceries for a new recipe so she’d be all proud of me and, before I could tell her, she said (brace yourself now because this is really good. The climactic part of this blog entry really), “Hi, Mom!”
“Watcha doing, Baby?” (Small talk before trying to impress her. Telling myself not to be too anxious.)
“I’m studying my Greek.”
I was awash with emotion.
God is better than He has to be.
PS. Making dish now. Wasn’t Al Dente the name of a Christian contemporary artist back in the 80’s?
Your a hoot! I say we should all stick with our own gifts! Mine is not cooking from scratch. I started working part time in the fall and had visions of being Betty Crocker and Suzie Homemaker. Ha! A few good meals and a few ick meals resulted. I made my little grocery lists and spent over $200 at the store each week for these big healthy meals that the kids wouldn’t eat! My general method of grocery shopping is to fly down the aisles, no list as fast as I can before the kids get fussy if they are with me or even if they are home. I’m trying to find a happy medium here… Anyway, the perfect cookbook you need to get is “The Four Ingredient Cookbook”. There are only 4 ingredients in each recipe. No mysterious spices or ingredients. I think you can cook anything with a can of cream of mushroom soup!
Beth– you are hilarious! I can picture the whole scene.
In terms of the pine nuts, if you bought too many, save what you didn’t use in your freezer. They will last a long time there and not go rancid!
Love,
Steph
Beth,
Here’s to new horizons and a so good God! Bon Appeite!
Rebecca
Central Asia
I am traumatized JUST reading that. I am always trying new recipes from the cooking channel. Why, just last week I tried a Barefoot Contessa fried/baked chicken thing that had me in the kitchen cooking from 4:30 – 6:10. TOO MUCH TIME.
Live and learn,
Debbie from South Carolina
Oh Beth, how I completely understand and relate. I’m sorry! I feel for you! I would have no idea about a sundried tomoato, peppercorn, etc either.
It’s a well known fact I dont’ cook…but the other day I bought a Simply PB Choclate Bar dessert that only required you putting it in the oven. I can handle that right, well I told you I don’t cook…at all! That menas even turning on the oven and it said no microwaves!
So, I prehated the oven, followed the exact directions for temp and time…375 for 28-31 minutes…I put it in at 375 for 28 min and it burned!
That’s why I don’t cook! I followed the directions!!!
Even my 5th grade S.S. class knows I dont’ cook! After all I was once banned from a certain church kithcen, and it did not hurt my feelings!
Yes, I too was “upset” with Melissa that she has decided to cook but if she is happy cooking then so be it.
Well reading your blog entry was a perfect way of starting a Monday, that is besides my quiet time.
You love life and we see that every time you write. Thanks for making us smile.
I hope your recipe was Just Fabulous!!!
You make me smile!!! Have an awesome day.
That was wonderful! So funny adn real! thanks for the laugh. and I cant wait to find out about the bible study!
morgen
Beth,
Cooking is amazing! You need to get into it, but whomever wrote that Bible Study obvisouly wasn’t concerned with being a good steward in the grocery store!!! Yes pine nuts, sundried tomatoes and the like are all too expensive and if I see those as an ingredient in a recipe, I politely shut it down. Start of simple, don’t wear yourself out!!! 😉 tonight I am making a key lime white chocolate cheesecake! I wish I could share a piece with ya!
Stephanie
You are so right, Beth! God is SO much better than He has to be. That one line just moved my Spirit today…especially in light of the day we had. Thanks be to God for His goodness, grace and strength!
I have to say, that was the best grocery store story I have ever read!
It reminded me of the time my husband and I were just married and living in Atlanta and the Olympics were coming to town. Well, it is amazing how many people wanted to “Check in on the newlyweds” during the Olympics! One couple was coming and staying with us at our apartment. Since this couple were the best friends of my newly acquired in-laws, I wanted to make a smashing impression. So I called my mom for the recipe for some delicious dish she would make “for company”. She gave me one…don’t remember what it was now, but I set off to the store.
I remember looking for things in the store I had never heard of before. It took me forever!!!!! When I finally got home, my husband had gotten worried and was getting ready to come looking for me! I told him I was fine but he might want to pick up an extra job to help pay for the meal…which cost somewhere around $125…I only remember that because now when I make something “new” I am always asked…”Is this going to be more or less than the $125 meal?” Funny how the man can’t remember our anniversary, but by golly he’s sharp as a tack about that meal from 12 years ago! Which, by the way, I have not ever made again……
Thanks for the laughs!!!! I love it when you write about stuff like that!
Have a great week!
I have never felt more affirmation that we might be twins separated at birth! Praise God! I am NOT alone!!! Love you!
Amen on NEVER leaving your Bible study homework ANYWHERE that someone who didn’t love unconditionally could find and read it. By the way, Pine nuts are highly overrated. Highly. Thanks for the laugh, Beth! Love ya so.
WOW! $168.00 for a meal! I can’t wait to get that recipe…and hear how the cookin’ went.
I feel like I have something else in common with you…other than our love for our LORD Jesus Christ! Cooking for me is an adventure….for my family, it is the eating that is the adventure!
Sheryl
YOU’RE killing ME! Oh how I love you and can’t wait to eat a pine nut with you in heaven! What an absolute trip! I wondered how you were doing with Melissa’s new found love of cooking…I had to chuckle. Thanks for sharing,
Lisa
Beth, we do like you! Not because of what your talents are, (or aren’t!) but because of how you use the talents God has given you for His glory. 🙂
I’m crying from laughing!
Every time my oldest daughter would want to cook I shuddered. Wanting to encourage and support her I would always say yes, but she frequently spent $40-$50 on ingrediants for one meal. She loved to cook the most exotic and complicated thing she could find. And often they did not turn out so good. We have been repaid many times over with all the good laughs we now get when we remember the days of $50 Mexican pizza ect. She tried that the first 2 weeks she was married and spent her whole budget for the month so they ate sandwiches for 2 weeks. She is a doll and so much fun. Hope your recipe is a success. shalom
You are so funny! I am sitting in my office alone laughing at my computer and someone walked in and thought I had lost my mind!!
Oh how funny! Don’t worry, I’m surely not laughing at you , but with you 100%!! it’s either laugh or cry sometimes!! I’d sure love to know what it was that you were making and how it turned out!!! Also, mentioning the 80’s…. I used to listen to Al Denson!!!! 🙂 Have a wonderful day!!!
Yeah! I’m very proud of you, Beth! You are not alone….at all. Ever look for “Cream of Tartar” in the dairy aisle???
A bible study with recipes?! I think I just found my summer read. I was laughing so hard reading this that my 8 year old had to know what it was about. Not as funny to an 8 year old before school early morning-but he did laugh about the pine nuts-he’s been a fan since he was 2. (yes, I do love to cook even with 2 elementary age kids) Both kids laughed at the Hillary Duff comment. We are so blessed to have you teach us Beth and share your life through your writing-no way is that my gift. I would cook you dinner anytime though! Isn’t God good that way-how boring would it be if we were all good at the same thing?
You absolutely started my week off right, even on a rainy Monday morning. This was hilarious. I have the same kind of desire of cooking that you do. In my house I am known as the Queen of burn!!!! Oh well, I always give myself an A for effort.
Beth, you are the greatest!!! Thank you for the most wonderful commentary I have ever read.
Love, Nancy
This post is hilarious. I feel like such a fake because I hate to cook. As fate would have it, I come from a long line of women who are superb at the task. I always end up befriending other women who are culinary wizards too. I know God means it for good, but it makes me feel like such a loser 😉 It’s hard to blend into baptisty circles and not be a chef, ya know? My first job out of college was as a student ministry intern. I know that church loved me because they never made fun of me when my “pot luck” also had ketchup packs in the bags. Or Dominoes stamped across the top of the box. When our church did a cookbook they asked us to write in suggestions for a title. My suggestion (Burnt Offerings) was not chosen, though I think it is still appropriate for when I’m in a kitchen. Everything I make, be it chicken or chocolate chip cookies, comes out looking like flaming charcoal.
LOL. The suspense is killing me–whats the recipe? Looking forward to seeing you this weekend in Colorado Springs!
Fun post. I’m still laughing about the man’s socks you imagined. I think it’s hilarious that you’re feeling peer pressure to cook. I guess we all have to fight that desire to “keep up” or get the approval of others. I’m doing “Search for Significance” right now by Robert S. Mc Gee on that very issue. If I could just live it out!
“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” -Galations 1:10
NO! YOU’RE KILLING ME!!! I almost thought you were going to say you had become a cooking enthusiast. Whew! Glad you are still among us normal women who cook only under duress. And $168 for ingredients? I hope you get to eat those leftovers for a week.
I think I might be able to get out of cooking if I tell my husband that the ingredients for one home-cooked meal can cost $168. I might just be eating out all the time…….Thanks for the tip!
Hysterical!!!! Absolutely the best!! I have often wandered in the grocery store with recipe in hand looking for ingredients. I have learned to cook from Taste of Home magazine….simple and not many difficult ingredients. THANKS Beth for being one of us over and over. Keep serving up that “meat for the soul”. We love you!!
Blessings,
Georgia in MI
So, where do you buy sun dried tomatoes?
You are so stinking funny! I love how you make all of us feel like you are one of our best girlfriends! Thanks Beth!
Laughed all the way through this…why?…because it could have been me!!! I’m such a culinary clutz!!! I did take a cooking class last year, but the recipes all called for ingredients I had never heard of before and the chef used utensils I had never seen. Pathetic!!!!
I’m a firm believer in Proverbs 15:17, “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” I serve up my hotdogs with a lot of love!!!!
Heading out to grocery shop now – I’m sure I’ll be laughing as I remember this post!
Blessings,
Joy
I thought about you when we were watching “Throwdown with Bobby Flay” and his recipe called for pine nuts!! Those must be the key ingredient to accent any recipe! I have no idea, my husband is the cook at our house and I praise the Lord for every meal that he prepares for our family! Just enjoyin’ the blessin’ of my man’s gift of cookin’!! The ladies in my neighborhood laugh when I come to Pampered Chef parties and bring the list of kitchen essentials that my husband wants me to purchase!
Amy in OK
Don’t worry, if someone had gotten to your Bible study, the information would not have made it to all my children until we’re all dead and gone! (Due to the slow and un-changing plot lines!) But you do sound like me! That’s so something that would happen to me, of course I get lost in the grocery store looking for bread! 🙂
Jenn
Monroe, LA
“Burnt Offerings”-that is SO funny!!(Natile)
Had to share this story right quick: My neighbor tried her hand at Hamburger Helper. Added NO MEAT…ok! Then tried it again and added no seasoning.
Oh you are too funny, Beth. This story just makes me love you all the more! ~ Kristin
I am laughing outloud!!! Now, you must share the receipe as I love feta, sundried tomatoes and pine nuts. Yum!
I laughed ’till I cried. Incidentally, Al Denson was the musical host at last year’s AACC conference and I think he’d get a huge kick out of this post!
food is good, greek food is better
Thanks for the laugh!!
Okay Beth, for years I have heard you refer to the grocery store as “the Kroger.” What’s up with that? “The” Kroger? Like The Donald?
Love ya silly girl!
Beth!
Could you be more lovable or real! That’s what I love most about you! I just feel like we could sit down at Starbucks and laugh until we peed our pants!
How I love you!
Donna (the mom of twin boys)
That was funny…sounds healthy. Healthy always hurts the pocket book and are difficult to find. I had to order some stuff online (maca root, lacuma, & mesquite powder) only to find that I wasn’t really impressed with what I had made…now I have to figure out other ways to use them ’cause they cost about the same as your entire grocery bill.
Mary Catherine Gallagher is the best way to go when nervous…good thing you passed it up though…not real attractive; however, you may have cleared the store out for some personal shopping time if you had thrown your hands up and yelled Superstar!
So, how did the recipe turn out…and what was it?
I LOVE YOU !
HOW FUN, YOUR DAUGHTER GIVES THE ULTIMATE PUNCH LINE AFTER A VISIT TO YOUR fave place. NOT!
I LOVE “‘LIS” FOR GETTIN US BUSY WITH RECIPES TO TRY.
I SPENT THE WEEKEND MAKING MANY NEW THINGS FOR MY FAM. THEY LOVE ME NOW, I CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT….and THE BONUS KITCHEN IS SPARKLING CLEAN!
YOU ALL PEACHY< JUST LIKE COBBLER!
Deirdre
This is too much! You poor thing! You need a shopping partner for these types of things, no doubt.
I have been guilty of taking my Bible study book with me to the grocery store and purchasing ingredients for a recipe I found there.
Fortunately, no one at the store recognized me from television! Was the butcher male or female? I have no earthly idea why that is important, but it strikes me to know!
Okay, so I am done rambling down the road of “whew!” with you for now. I am praying that you will recover soon! Did the skinny cows help? They always do me!
P. S. I had my first chapter of a inspirational women’s fiction critiqued on Thursday night at my “author friend’s” house and did not absolutely die. Actually, I learned a lot and was very excited when they were done. Not a lot of hacking, just helpful constructive words of encouragement and instruction. YIPPEE! My dream of being published seems more and more real everyday!
P.S.S. How did the recipe turn out? Anything with sun-dried tomatoes and feta cheese sounds delish… not so sure abou the pine nuts though!
Oh I can so relate – On the rare occasion I stray away from my “normal” foods I can leave the store feeling exhausted and full of anxiety. The other day I was looking for pesto spread – I ended up just marking that meal off and went back to good old Mac and Cheese. I know where to find that
Oh Friend-
I still love you and even like you even though you can’t cook! Most (if not all) of us couldn’t write a Bible study to save our skins- So I thank God you can! As for the grocery- what can I say? I am so sorry! At this point in your life, forget cooking- and as you say, “if we want a home-cooked meal, we go down to the Mexican restaurant!” If I ever have the great honor to meet you, I would love to cook for you, but I’d rather take you both (you and Keith) out for dinner, and talk about the LORD! You are so funny!
You make me laugh (and cry at times!)
I’ve been watching the weather in Houston- it’s too hot to cook any way! How about a barbeque?
Love you-
Lisa in Kirkland, WA
I started reading “Believing God” today. I got through chapter one. I should have read it in college-that’s when I knew that it was one of the christian books out there that would benefit me.
It seems to me that all the siestas love you, Beth and crew, to bits:) In reading the blog, many of the siestas would love to meet you all in person-you serve many. I think it would be a blessing to fellowship with you all here on earth; but even if I never get to meet you here, we will love the Lord deeply, inexpressably, and have that sweet fellowship toghether in heaven one day!:)
I thank God for raising up ministries like LPM, Precepts with Kay Arthur, Anne Graham Lotz, Priscilla Shirer, Vicki Courtney, and others in this generation-He must be coming soon-it’s closer than it’s ever been is all I can figure.
Love ya’ll, have a blessed day:)
katiegfromtennessee
Note to self: fast from all liquids before reading Beth’s blog. Otherwise, add Depends to grocery list.
Wasn’t sure I was going to make it, girl!. LOL
Love,
Christa
This post is still funny – even after I have read it many, many times!
Can’t wait to see you in Colorado Springs this weekend. Dress in layers as it will be cool in the mornings and evenings and get around mid-60 during the day. Springs has cooler days than a person realizes.
Take Care
Kelli in Colorado