First Installment: Meet My Sister
Second Installment: The Functioning Years
Third Installment: The Maelstrom
Fourth Installment: Like Sunlight Burning at Midnight
The fifth out of seven installments from my sister, Gay, to you…
I was never the same after that night … and who would want to be anyway???
I think there is a lot of fear in change. Fear of the unknown, of what we will become, of who we really are, of life, failure, being uncomfortable, not being good enough, pain, and how to handle or ease that pain. Addicts and alcoholics have found a solution for pain. For me and many of my friends, alcohol wasn’t just the problem; it was the SOLUTION. So now, since I have anesthesized my pain for a lifetime, I am in FEAR, because the pain might kill me. I might come apart at the seams. And then what? The unknown. More fear. I’ve been told that when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go, that THAT is when we become willing to give up the drug (the painKILLER) and step out onto the living water of faith.
I knew that I couldn’t stay in Sugar Land forever, that my time there was limited. It was the FIRST TIME I had not had visions of grandeur, of being able to put my little family back together. I had repeated that time and time again to no avail and had ended up in relapse every single time. All I knew was that God had performed a miracle in my life that very night under the bridge and that I owed Him, my family and mySELF my very best shot this time, for THIS TIME, I feared, would be my last. Otherwise, I would surely die. My ONLY option, the only one this Miracle God deserved was for me to do what He put in front of me to do to the best of my ability, and what I became so aware of later was that where my ability failed, His took over! He continued to supply me with strength and perseverance to endure the race He had set before me, one day at a time.
For three days, Tut gave me a roof over my head, a so-very-soft-comfy-warm bed to sleep in (ahhh), food to eat and a phone. He did not make one call for me. I knew it was my responsibility to get busy and find help. I did that — it was what God put in front of me to do for those three days. The only place in the Greater Houston Area that would take me with no insurance, no money and no I.D. was a women’s detox center in Pasadena called New Hope — so beautifully named, isn’t it? Now, New Hope is not a fancy-schmancy place like my first treatment center was, in fact, it isn’t a treatment center at all. It is a house for women to non-medically detox from alcohol (and some other drugs), getting fully sober and staying that way through living the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. My sweet sisters, God did not drop me onto the church steps to get sober. He dropped me smack back into AA again — not weak, watered-down AA but what I love to call Nazi-AA. New Hope does not play. They require 4 meetings per day followed by hours of Big Book study (the AA text) followed by getting a sponsor and working the 12 Steps. Period. Or you get kicked out! God knew that I had not HEARD all of the prior times He had put me there and He meant for me to HEAR this time. He meant for me to hear that I was alcoholic and that He had provided a most wonderful solution for me that required work on my part. He meant for me to ACT!!!
This reminds me of a scripture that Beth has memorized and taught on several times:
“Therefore get your minds ready for action by being fully sober.” 1 Peter 1:13.
I could turn those words around and say, “Therefore get your minds ready for sobriety by being fully ACTIVE.”
Sweet sisters, this disease lives to kill. It is chronic, progressive and FATAL. There is no wonder that a smaller percentage of us recover from it than fall victim to it because it is also a disease of DENIAL. We continue to try to convince ourselves over and over again that WE DON’T HAVE IT!! I believe that it is the enemy’s most powerful tool and that there is no amount of ACTION too great to arm ourselves with the tools required to fight it. I also believe that the enemy is hateful, insidious and low-down enough to use our faith in the Power of God to keep us from using the very tools that He has provided for us to ARM OURSELVES!!! I beg you do not under-estimate the power of this disease. I watch the walking wounded come through the doors of Mercy Street every Saturday night, back in treatment again, back from jail again, back off the street again, and I wonder how many won’t make it back the next time. I made it back purely by the extravagant, unlimited grace of God — I should have died out there. My friend, Jerry, did die out there. He drank himself to death and was found in a puddle of vomited blood inside an abandoned house in Texarkana, Texas alone. He was 39 years old. I know that he is with Jesus and I know I will see him again in Heaven, SOBER. But, my friends, Christ means for us to have FREEDOM in the land of the living.
For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
Psalm 116:8-9
I wrote these words to Beth as she prepared to go to a conference where she would speak about 1 Peter 1:13 above. It is the shortest description of what I did to HONOR MY GOD and get to where I am today. I have edited it just a tad here and there but, for the most part, it is in tact.
To Beth, August 2011:
It has been my experience that sobriety and action are symbiotic. One cannot exist without the other. I must get sober, e.g. put down the drink, detox, go into treatment, in order to perform the action required to stay sober and subsequently follow God’s will and purpose for my life. It’s not easy!! It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of action. Today, I do what I do (Mercy Street, treatment centers, the Houston Council on Alcohol and Drugs, sponsor ladies and take them through the steps, go to meetings, share my testimony, experience strength and hope) for many reasons but the gift, the by-product, is that I get to stay sober and without sobriety I am nothing and I am able to DO nothing.
To document all the work that I have done over the last two years and four months is far more than you want to muddle through, believe me, but I will tell you this. When God jerked me up off that concrete in mid-April 2009, He dropped me in AA, not in church. I might have liked for Him to drop me in church but He didn’t. I knew that I had blown all of my other chances, all of the other times that He had dropped me in that very same place. I had to do something different which was ANYTHING but sitting around waiting for Him to heal me and DOING nothing. I had to abandon my way and do it His way. I had to unweave all of my plans and trust HIS PLAN. Right there, right then, on April 20, 2009, His way for me was AA. I could see that as clear as a bell, no questions asked. He has required a lot of work from me, a lot of action, one day at a time, whatever He put in front of me that day. It started with chores and following simple house rules followed by getting a sponsor and working the steps. I believe that God has wanted me to do that work all along but that I was too stubborn or prideful or entitled or all of the above to do it. I knew that it was working because at 90 days sober I not only had 90 days sober but the obsession to drink alcohol, which I had battled with for 37 years, had been removed. Poof! Just like that. I was neither thinking about drinking nor thinking about not drinking. It was not a thought at all. I was calm and acting sanely and normally. Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to SANITY. Bingo! Poof! Done! Now I have to STAY THAT WAY. I saw that the work, the ACTION, was paying off more than I had worked (because God was working behind the scenes in my behalf) so I continued on that course of ACTION.
My sweet Sisters, I do not have the words or the white space to say what the process of working the steps did for me. All I know is that as I wrote down and spoke out and prayed for my enemies and made amends to my loved ones and reached out to another alcoholic, the chains started falling off of me one by one and I was able to wiggle free. The resentment, fear, unforgiveness, unwillingness, dishonesty, pride and pure-dee SELFISHNESS that had been blocking me from Him fell away and I stood naked, just as I am, in Grace and Gratitude and Awe and Light. I stood in FREEDOM and in the Pure Love and Favor of God. To quote Manning again, I had been “seized by the Power of a Great Affection.” I had experienced a Spiritual Awakening (Step 12). Talk about replacing the need to self-medicate? I had found the SOLUTION. I had found the Power or He had found me. We had found each other, a match made in Heaven.
On a short walk to the nearest convenience store one hot morning in July 2009, I surrendered my life to My Jesus and promised to follow Him, wherever He may lead me, for the rest of my days and to do what He asks of me. I spent a lot of time praying and asking God to reveal to me what His purpose was for my life until I finally figured out that His purpose is for me to stay sober, do what He puts in front of me each day, and to step through the doors that He opens for me, despite my fears and my inadequacies. I didn’t realize at the time that each day was getting me closer to my destiny as I continued to put one foot in front of the other. The days would turn into weeks, then months, then years and then ONE DAY He would drop me onto the church steps where He was leading me all along! “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD.
It is as simple as this, Ladies. I had to do something different. Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” Since I had failed every which way I could possibly fail, I had to do everything different. I had to do it opposite from how I had done it in the past. I had not applied anything to my life — I applied everything to my life. I had not been willing to get a sponsor and work the steps — I got a most wonderful sponsor and worked the steps honestly and wholeheartedly. I had gotten into relationships that had taken my focus away from my recovery — I had NO RELATIONSHIPS. I had not been willing to do long-term treatment — I stayed at New Hope for 5-1/2 months and then moved to The Women’s Home in inner-city Houston for 16 months totaling 21-1/2 months of solid, safe, quality care, sobriety and life recovery. I had prayed to God to deliver me and then expected to wake up sane and sober the next morning and stay that way for a lifetime — I worked my head off day after day in accordance to His will for my life and was graciously given sanity and sobriety in return.
The National Association of Christian Recovery states this: “NACR is passionate about joining the work of Jesus in the world — partnering with, instigating, resourcing, disturbing, advocating and influencing the manifold ways that Christ seeks to transform and liberate those in addiction.” Manifold is defined as “of many kinds; numerous and varied.” God has created and provided numerous and varied paths to recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous simply being one of them and the one that worked for this serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic. Whichever path you choose, do it with all your heart, all your strength and all your might. I had to put sobriety first and foremost in my life for without it I had nothing and could do nothing. By doing that, I put God first and He has honored that wholly in me. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” In my case, sobriety is His kingdom! And He has stood by His promise over these 34 months and 3 days to usher in the rest of what I so desired and much, much more that I never could have imagined.
Oh, by the way, if you walk into the doors of AA pull your walls down, check your judgment at the door and open your mind, unlearn the habits that have been standing in your way to freedom and be willing to do things different, and hold on tight to the similarities rather than the differences. Yes, there are non-believers in AA — they just might be in our churches too. If I go there I might not only GET SOBER but I might, just might, be able to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night by simply looking straight in the eye of a sister who is scared to death to step out on the water of faith, smiling warmly and saying, “Hello, my name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic.” Hope. Everyone needs some.
James 2:17
New International Version (NIV)
17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
Philippians 2:12-13
New International Version (NIV)
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
Dear Gay,
I continue to read each of your installments. Thank you for your honesty, for your vulnerability in sharing some of your deepest and darkest hours with us. Praise God that He has brought you hope, purpose, life and freedom in this earthly journey. There is a lot of courage in your heart.
I hope it is okay if I share something with you about my precious brother who is struggling daily in his life of bondage. Life can be so very hard.
It is hard to continue to hope for my younger brother, who is now 40, who has lived on and off the streets for 20 years. I remember him accepting Christ, walking down the aisle at church, and praying his heart out when we were youngsters. But life happens. Our family bondage was worked out through each of my siblings in differing and varying ways. From a young age in an alcoholic home, each of us kids were tied up with ropes of pain, abuse, insecurities and bondage. Two of us are still wrapped tight.
He has been in so many treatment facilities, in jail (where he is currently, since about 2 weeks ago), in the hospital, so involved in crime, drugs, alcohol and self-abuse. Others look at him and think it is hopeless, but we, as his family, will not give up hope until the Lord takes him home.
We have cried buckets of tears, prayed and prayed, beseeching God to protect him, help him to see the truth of his life, to break the hold that satan has on him, but to no avail. My prayer now is that if he dies on the street alone, that God would just please bring an angel to be with him. “Thy will be done, because we don’t know how to pray anymore.” With all of his health issues and other things in his life, he truly should not be alive. But God has spared his life again and again and again. We know there is a purpose for his life. We believe he knows the Lord, but yet cannot break free. Sometimes we’re not sure if mentally he is able to do it even now, but our God can do the impossible.
Actually, this past month, he visited (of his own choice) a Christian mission outside of San Francisco. They accepted him for two weeks, even though he is transgender. They allowed him to go back to the city to get his methadone treatments (he is weaning off heroin) and return to the mission. When he returned, they said they knew he was serious, and would allow him to stay. This past week, they drove him to the clinice; but while he was getting his decrease of methadone, the police came and arrested him because he had left the city when on parole. He cried out and asked my mom why, when he was finally trying, that this had to happen. So, now he is sitting in jail waiting to see if the judge will allow him to leave the city to go back to this mission, or will send him again to a halfway house that he has left a dozen times before.
My mom prayed for 20 years that he would go to this specific mission. She has been on a rollercoaster ride for 20 years, found her prayers answered after 20 years, and then her hopes plummeted once again. Our hearts just break.
We have lived up and down watching our dear brother slowly kill himself in this way; hope is difficult to hold onto. But we continue to pray that the Lord would make a way for him. We didn’t ever think he would go visit this mission, let alone stay a couple of weeks.
I felt like I could write this to you because you would not judge, but could understand. Your story gives me hope. It is a story I can pass on to my mom and sisters when the discussion of my brother surfaces. My brother’s story may turn out differently, because we all have different stories, but I pray that somehow, someway, our God will be gloried in and through my brother’s life. Until he takes his last breath, we will love him from afar, pray for him and trust that God is working in ways that we do not know. The spiritual realm is a busy place.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Gay for your words. Sorry this is so long; my heart was touched by your words and they filled me with hope and I wanted you to know that.
Bless you as you continue to minister for our Lord, reaching your sisters and brothers through your awesome testimony, and giving the ‘living water’ to the thirsty!
Gay,
The Green family appears to be igniting my soul through the Holy Spirit tonight. I have just returned from Session Six of Beth’s James study, where the Lord revealed all that He has worked in me through studying AND memorizing this book. I am the daughter of an alcoholic. For much of my young life, I suffered abuse both emotionally and mentally. I remember sitting as a child, begging my father to choose me over the drinking. He walked out years later and from by that time, a very cold teenager. Shortly after that, I was informed that he was gay. It threw quite a wrench into my life. After years of believing, I had forgiven my dad, the LORD revealed to me what forgiveness really was and the week I graduated from high school, I not only walked across a stage for a piece of paper, I walked away from bitterness and towards freedom. Five years later, he is not an active presence in my life and he lives in a different state so I haven’t seen him in 3 years. I believe it to be a mutual decision, but I check in with the Lord from time to time to see if I need to pursue a more than occasional email relationship. I’m not sure what He is doing, but in 3 weeks, I will be within a few hours of him and I have asked for him to come meet up for a meal and meet my fiance. He is coming and I have to admit I am excited. And nervous. This is a big step for me. No man/ boy has ever been introduced to my father, nor has one ever been mentioned. I am unsure if he is sober or where he stands with the Lord. You are an advocate for freedom from addiction like I am an advocate for freedom from unforgiveness. Thank you for sharing your sweet story. Thank you for showing that “Jesus is still flagrantly changing lives” as Beth put it tonight.
To Him be the glory, forever.
Amen.
Hey,
I felt impressed to share this verse after I read it.
From Hebrews 10 verse 14–For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.
You are being made holy. So am I. We are already made perfect. Absolutely astonishing.
I can relate to you in this one very great way–I believed in Jesus young. Like you did. I surrendered to him sometime later when abuse and neglect from early on had repercussions on a great many choices I made upon entering my early adulthood. But God…who knew my hearts faith as a child upheld me through the years I made choices that could have killed me as an ‘adult’ and similar to you had a ‘moment of light’ that changed me forever more. Now, as aluded to in an earlier post-back I struggle with trust issues but this I know–God is covenant. And so no matter the issue I may have at any given time God is for me, and what a difference that knowledge has made. Kay Arthur say it well, something to the effect that feelings are real and have to be dealt with but what is real is what God has said–state it, sing it, write it, do what you do until your **feeling conform to reality**
Well hope that verse hems someone in like it did me.
Gay – Thank you for sharing, this takes courage. The Lord performed a miracle in my family as well, he released a family member from a drug addiction. I am so thankful for that miracle.
Thanks be to Him.
This is so helpful to me today for two reasons: (1) There is someone in my life for whom I am praying to be free from this same bondage. Your posts are so encouraging. (2) At our church, we are currently doing Beth’s study on James. I am in week four and have really been struggling with faith’s relationship to works, even after working through my homework (I’m thick headed :). This morning, I prayed for the Lord to teach me more, and as I read your post, I could feel him teaching me about this issue. I very much appreciate you being so open about your life, Gay. God bless you.
GAY~ What a beautiful, redemptive story. Thank you for such transparency. I SO want it in my own life but I am living on that miserable roller coaster b/t the flesh and the Spirit and HIDDEN sin. I am in a place of HOPELESSNESS right now as I write this. For the past 10 years my addiction has not been to a substance but to a person. I have a husband and two children who I love immensely ~ but I love the ESCAPE this relationship brings me even more. I have never admitted that until now and it breaks my heart to say it. I have experienced deep, emotional pain in the last 10 years and have used this relationship to cope. I am attending the Law of Love Bible Study and it penetrates my heart each time. I have such good intentions of making a change but then the enemy goes to work in my flesh. Beth described it so well ~ SIN sickness…I am there!!! BTW I have known the Lord for most of my life, and was even in vocational ministry for many years. I KNOW better!!! Please pray that I will DO better, once and for all. God Help Me!
Praying for you……
Thank you Gay for the blessings you give through your precious testimony of stepping out in faith with our sweet Saviour! I find myself addicted to a marriage in the throes of divorce and the fears of what lies ahead. Your boldness in Him gives me such hope in surrending my life to His perfect care and love over me, His child.
Hi Gay! I really loved this scripture you shared:
For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
Psalm 116:8-9
And your 5th installment. Each one I have read just brings me so much encouragement. I, like you, a recovery alcohol. I shared that to someone today who is in the wine business. That I don’t drink and they didn’t understand why. I shared. One drink and it doesn’t stop there. Honestly I would not be truthful if I said I didn’t enjoy a glass of expensive red wine. But, the BIG BUT, it’s deceptive and NO, it only looks pretty in the glass but bites you like a snake. Here is a poem I wrote to share with you: I wrote this 3 years on my 8 month sobriety.
The Voice of Addiction
The phone
kept ringing.
I was called upon
to drink.
I was asked most
any day.
The voice hung
on my shoulder
it was next to me
in the car,
at my work place,
at home, calling …
sweetly,
angrily,
demanding.
I was the keeper
of the voice everyday.
Carefully,
making
sure I heard
sure I would drink
if…
I was in a whirlwind,
when a phone called left me hurt,
an opportunity was lost,
a day was a bore,
the night was a party,
another holiday,
the friends for only drinking
the list kept on
until the
the final
call
I hung up.
May 28th 2009 sobriety
Love, Allison
Wow! What a testimony. In July of 2008 I was in the Cities (or Minneapolis/St. Paul) to hear Beth speak. I will never forget her asking us to pray for her loved one who was living on the streets. I prayed for you after this gathering. What a joy it was to hear Beth speak of you as we were going through David. I wondered if this loved one was the same loved one I had prayed for. To find out that it was and to see the power of God in your life has left me beyond words. That He loves each of us so deeply is more amazing than I can comprehend.
I live in a small community in Wisconsin. We all go about our daily living and we rarely see God move in miraculous ways. Not because He won’t but because we have become complacent in our faith. But lately things have been changing for me. To read your testimony and the testimonies of so many others removes my complacency and excites me to see God’s movement in our community. If any of you reading my post feel lead please pray that I would be an instrument of God’s love, peace, humility, gentleness and tolerance toward my fellow believers and toward those still caught in their sin. May I never look at a fellow human being in the same light again (the “light” of this world) but through the light of our glorious Savior. Thank you Jesus, thank you so much.
I, too, was raised in the church and believed in God and accepted Jesus at a fairly young age. I, too, am a recovering alcoholic. I could not get sober in church, either. I didn’t know how. I really needed a design for living, in order to implement all of the head and heart knowledge I had of God. My sobriety journey is what has created my spirituality. My loving Father was always there, I just couldn’t get or stay sober long enough to get to Him. I love this quote: “I used to thank God for AA, but now I thank AA for God.” In my terms, that means that I finally figured out, through working the 12 steps (which are pretty well taken from the Book of James), how to GET to my Higher Power — God Almighty. He was there all along — I just couldn’t make the right connection. Now, praise Him, I am sober, and He is my best friend. I am so grateful, and I am so grateful to you, Gay, for sharing this story of salvation, not only from an eternal hell, but from our earthly hell, as well.
Gay: Your story of restoration is such an inspiration. I know what it means to be restored from grief, bitterness and un-forgiveness. I will pray for you. I Praise the LORD for you. I love the expression-but God!! What a Savior we serve. Thank you for being transparent
Gay,
Again, what a beautiful and messy story you have invited us into. I praise the Lord that you speak so boldly about the redemption HE has done in your life and I pray it speaks Loudly to so many of us who need to hear. I feel like you have shared so much with us and I’m so grateful for it.
Blessings to you sister!
Gay,
I thank you so much for sharing all that you have. It brings such hope for my marriage and my family. This disease has been a part of my life for over 20 years and you are right, it is designed to kill. It has almost killed my marriage numerous times, but for the grace of God, he has held us together because we know it is ultimately the ENEMY who wants to destroy, not the substance. He has designed it this way, and I pray I can continue to remember that I am not fighting flesh and blood when I see my husband struggling with sobriety, but I am fighting the powers of this dark world. It gives me so much more compassion for him. I am praying for a soft heart to give my husband instead of the anger I have given for so long. Your words have helped me to see. And I know my anger eats me alive. I also know with such clarity that I cannot change the situation, but just be who I am supposed to be each day in Christ Jesus. This will help my husband see Him more clearly each day. Thank you again for giving your perspective of what the struggle is like. I know God is using it to help so many people!!
In Christ’s abundant love,
Jill
I’ve been waiting on your 5th installment!Thanks so much for sharing.Ive been in the program since 123183 and still have so much to learn.Lifes tramatic events have knocked me around since 2004 when my 37year old daughter went home to the Lord.That was indeed a sucker punch more than I ever realized the hurt and pain.She was in a motorcyle accident.I was just getting to the point of acceptance on her death when my 21 yr old grandaughter..my daughters daughter died suddenly-cocaine intoxication.This is a family desease in my books.It does NOT discriminate.But by the grace of God and only HIM I did not take a drink.I am now going to AlAnon-another wonderful program for alcoholics & families of alcoholics.I still need to keep my AA in check though.And that is what your 5th installament reminded me.Thats a big deal Gay.Thank you for being you. I appreciate it!
Dear Gay, I cannot tell you how much this installment means to me. Thank you very very much for being so open and so loving in sharing your story. I have this column/installment bookmarked on my computer so I can refer back to it when I need the hope and encouragement that you provide. I know that God is working in my life: Can a person be addicted to food? Can it be more than just ‘bad habits’? I pray to get under control so I can be there for my husband and kids. Thank you for sharing about how God’s purpose for you is doing what He puts in front of you each day. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Gay. I just finished reading the first five of your installments. I happened upon them because our small group at church is doing Beth’s Bible study “Law of Love – Lessons from the Pages of Deuteronomy.” You don’t have to tell Beth this, but she didn’t officially fill in the blanks for your quote in Lesson 5. LOL! Whether done on purpose by Beth or not, I firmly believe God allowed that so that I would look it up on the internet, find your story, and share it with my niece. I am praying and expecting God to use it to help her. May God continue to bless you as you obey and follow Him.
Thank you Gay for your honesty and wonderful story I am 30 years old and an alcoholic. I also beg God to help me. I know the Lord and have about my whole life I grew up in church. I am sick for change. I can’t seem to ever do it its a disease and it takes over please pray for me I will be awaiting more from u
On page 41 of the Deuteronomy study the last 3 lines
I think must be I’ve been told that when the pain of holding on becomes grfeat than the pain of letting go That is when we become willing to up the (Disobedience?_
Gay Tuttle Is this correct???