My Sister, Gay’s, Fifth Installment: Stepping Out On the Water

First Installment: Meet My Sister

Second Installment: The Functioning Years

Third Installment: The Maelstrom

Fourth Installment: Like Sunlight Burning at Midnight


The fifth out of seven installments from my sister, Gay, to you…


I was never the same after that night … and who would want to be anyway???

I think there is a lot of fear in change.  Fear of the unknown, of what we will become, of who we really are, of life, failure, being uncomfortable, not being good enough, pain, and how to handle or ease that pain.  Addicts and alcoholics have found a solution for pain.  For me and many of my friends, alcohol wasn’t just the problem; it was the SOLUTION.  So now, since I have anesthesized my pain for a lifetime, I am in FEAR, because the pain might kill me.  I might come apart at the seams.  And then what?  The unknown.  More fear.  I’ve been told that when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go, that THAT is when we become willing to give up the drug (the painKILLER) and step out onto the living water of faith.

I knew that I couldn’t stay in Sugar Land forever, that my time there was limited.  It was the FIRST TIME I had not had visions of grandeur, of being able to put my little family back together.  I had repeated that time and time again to no avail and had ended up in relapse every single time.  All I knew was that God had performed a miracle in my life that very night under the bridge and that I owed Him, my family and mySELF my very best shot this time, for THIS TIME, I feared, would be my last.  Otherwise, I would surely die.  My ONLY option, the only one this Miracle God deserved was for me to do what He put in front of me to do to the best of my ability, and what I became so aware of later was that where my ability failed, His took over!  He continued to supply me with strength and perseverance to endure the race He had set before me, one day at a time.

For three days, Tut gave me a roof over my head, a so-very-soft-comfy-warm bed to sleep in (ahhh), food to eat and a phone.  He did not make one call for me.  I knew it was my responsibility to get busy and find help.  I did that — it was what God put in front of me to do for those three days.  The only place in the Greater Houston Area that would take me with no insurance, no money and no I.D. was a women’s detox center in Pasadena called New Hope — so beautifully named, isn’t it?  Now, New Hope is not a fancy-schmancy place like my first treatment center was, in fact, it isn’t a treatment center at all.  It is a house for women to non-medically detox from alcohol (and some other drugs), getting fully sober and staying that way through living the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  My sweet sisters, God did not drop me onto the church steps to get sober.  He dropped me smack back into AA again — not weak, watered-down AA but what I love to call Nazi-AA.  New Hope does not play.  They require 4 meetings per day followed by hours of Big Book study (the AA text) followed by getting a sponsor and working the 12 Steps.  Period.  Or you get kicked out!  God knew that I had not HEARD all of the prior times He had put me there and He meant for me to HEAR this time.  He meant for me to hear that I was alcoholic and that He had provided a most wonderful solution for me that required work on my part.  He meant for me to ACT!!!

This reminds me of a scripture that Beth has memorized and taught on several times:

“Therefore get your minds ready for action by being fully sober.”  1 Peter 1:13.

I could turn those words around and say, “Therefore get your minds ready for sobriety by being fully ACTIVE.”

Sweet sisters, this disease lives to kill.  It is chronic, progressive and FATAL.  There is no wonder that a smaller percentage of us recover from it than fall victim to it because it is also a disease of DENIAL.  We continue to try to convince ourselves over and over again that WE DON’T HAVE IT!!  I believe that it is the enemy’s most powerful tool and that there is no amount of ACTION too great to arm ourselves with the tools required to fight it.  I also believe that the enemy is hateful, insidious and low-down enough to use our faith in the Power of God to keep us from using the very tools that He has provided for us to ARM OURSELVES!!!  I beg you do not under-estimate the power of this disease.  I watch the walking wounded come through the doors of Mercy Street every Saturday night, back in treatment again, back from jail again, back off the street again, and I wonder how many won’t make it back the next time.  I made it back purely by the extravagant, unlimited grace of God — I should have died out there.  My friend, Jerry, did die out there.  He drank himself to death and was found in a puddle of vomited blood inside an abandoned house in Texarkana, Texas alone.  He was 39 years old.  I know that he is with Jesus and I know I will see him again in Heaven, SOBER.  But, my friends, Christ means for us to have FREEDOM in the land of the living.

For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the LORD

in the land of the living.

Psalm 116:8-9

I wrote these words to Beth as she prepared to go to a conference where she would speak about 1 Peter 1:13 above.  It is the shortest description of what I did to HONOR MY GOD and get to where I am today.  I have edited it just a tad here and there but, for the most part, it is in tact.

To Beth, August 2011:

It has been my experience that sobriety and action are symbiotic.  One cannot exist without the other.  I must get sober, e.g. put down the drink, detox, go into treatment, in order to perform the action required to stay sober and subsequently follow God’s will and purpose for my life.  It’s not easy!!  It takes a lot of work.  It takes a lot of action.  Today, I do what I do (Mercy Street, treatment centers, the Houston Council on Alcohol and Drugs, sponsor ladies and take them through the steps, go to meetings, share my testimony, experience strength and hope) for many reasons but the gift, the by-product, is that I get to stay sober and without sobriety I am nothing and I am able to DO nothing.

To document all the work that I have done over the last two years and four months is far more than you want to muddle through, believe me, but I will tell you this.  When God jerked me up off that concrete in mid-April 2009, He dropped me in AA, not in church.  I might have liked for Him to drop me in church but He didn’t.  I knew that I had blown all of my other chances, all of the other times that He had dropped me in that very same place.  I had to do something different which was ANYTHING but sitting around waiting for Him to heal me and DOING nothing.  I had to abandon my way and do it His way.  I had to unweave all of my plans and trust HIS PLAN.  Right there, right then, on April 20, 2009, His way for me was AA.  I could see that as clear as a bell, no questions asked.  He has required a lot of work from me, a lot of action, one day at a time, whatever He put in front of me that day.  It started with chores and following simple house rules followed by getting a sponsor and working the steps.  I believe that God has wanted me to do that work all along but that I was too stubborn or prideful or entitled or all of the above to do it.  I knew that it was working because at 90 days sober I not only had 90 days sober but the obsession to drink alcohol, which I had battled with for 37 years, had been removed.  Poof!  Just like that.  I was neither thinking about drinking nor thinking about not drinking.  It was not a thought at all.  I was calm and acting sanely and normally.  Step 2:  Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to SANITY.  Bingo!  Poof!  Done!  Now I have to STAY THAT WAY.  I saw that the work, the ACTION, was paying off more than I had worked (because God was working behind the scenes in my behalf) so I continued on that course of ACTION.

My sweet Sisters, I do not have the words or the white space to say what the process of working the steps did for me.  All I know is that as I wrote down and spoke out and prayed for my enemies and made amends to my loved ones and reached out to another alcoholic, the chains started falling off of me one by one and I was able to wiggle free.  The resentment, fear, unforgiveness, unwillingness, dishonesty, pride and pure-dee SELFISHNESS that had been blocking me from Him fell away and I stood naked, just as I am, in Grace and Gratitude and Awe and Light.  I stood in FREEDOM and in the Pure Love and Favor of God.  To quote Manning again, I had been “seized by the Power of a Great Affection.”  I had experienced a Spiritual Awakening (Step 12).  Talk about replacing the need to self-medicate?  I had found the SOLUTION.  I had found the Power or He had found me.  We had found each other, a match made in Heaven.

On a short walk to the nearest convenience store one hot morning in July 2009, I surrendered my life to My Jesus and promised to follow Him, wherever He may lead me, for the rest of my days and to do what He asks of me.  I spent a lot of time praying and asking God to reveal to me what His purpose was for my life until I finally figured out that His purpose is for me to stay sober, do what He puts in front of me each day, and to step through the doors that He opens for me, despite my fears and my inadequacies.  I didn’t realize at the time that each day was getting me closer to my destiny as I continued to put one foot in front of the other.  The days would turn into weeks, then months, then years and then ONE DAY He would drop me onto the church steps where He was leading me all along!  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD.

It is as simple as this, Ladies.  I had to do something different.  Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”  Since I had failed every which way I could possibly fail, I had to do everything different.  I had to do it opposite from how I had done it in the past.  I had not applied anything to my life — I applied everything to my life.  I had not been willing to get a sponsor and work the steps — I got a most wonderful sponsor and worked the steps honestly and wholeheartedly.  I had gotten into relationships that had taken my focus away from my recovery — I had NO RELATIONSHIPS.  I had not been willing to do long-term treatment — I stayed at New Hope for 5-1/2 months and then moved to The Women’s Home in inner-city Houston for 16 months totaling 21-1/2 months of solid, safe, quality care, sobriety and life recovery.  I had prayed to God to deliver me and then expected to wake up sane and sober the next morning and stay that way for a lifetime — I worked my head off day after day in accordance to His will for my life and was graciously given sanity and sobriety in return.

The National Association of Christian Recovery states this:  “NACR is passionate about joining the work of Jesus in the world — partnering with, instigating, resourcing, disturbing, advocating and influencing the manifold ways that Christ seeks to transform and liberate those in addiction.”  Manifold is defined as “of many kinds; numerous and varied.”  God has created and provided numerous and varied paths to recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous simply being one of them and the one that worked for this serious, hardcore, dedicated, classic, textbook alcoholic.  Whichever path you choose, do it with all your heart, all your strength and all your might.  I had to put sobriety first and foremost in my life for without it I had nothing and could do nothing.  By doing that, I put God first and He has honored that wholly in me.  Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  In my case, sobriety is His kingdom!  And He has stood by His promise over these 34 months and 3 days to usher in the rest of what I so desired and much, much more that I never could have imagined.

Oh, by the way, if you walk into the doors of AA pull your walls down, check your judgment at the door and open your mind, unlearn the habits that have been standing in your way to freedom and be willing to do things different, and hold on tight to the similarities rather than the differences.  Yes, there are non-believers in AA — they just might be in our churches too.  If I go there I might not only GET SOBER but I might, just might, be able to shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night by simply looking straight in the eye of a sister who is scared to death to step out on the water of faith, smiling warmly and saying, “Hello, my name is Gay and I’m an alcoholic.”  Hope.  Everyone needs some.


James 2:17

New International Version (NIV)

17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.


Philippians 2:12-13

New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.




227 Responses to “My Sister, Gay’s, Fifth Installment: Stepping Out On the Water”

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  1. 1
    Cindy says:

    This gave me goose bumps…

    “…..the chains started falling off of me one by one and I was able to wiggle free”

    Thank you for sharing your story so eloquently, Gay. My hope is that it touches as many as possible still in the blackness of addiction. I know, the beauty that lies ahead when the chains come off. Freedom. My eyes tear up just typing those words.

  2. 2
    amy says:

    Just beautiful. This series of your testimony give me such hope for my brother Andy. Alcohol and prescription drugs. He did 30 days rehab in Dec/Jan and 3 days into a sober living got kicked out for failing breathylizer. 2 days ago he tried to kill himself and yesterday he was admitted to psych. Please pray for him my sweet sisters in Christ! Thank you Gay for sharing your testimony.

    • 2.1
      yanna westmoreland says:

      Father, cover Andy with Your feathers, and under Your wings give Andy refuge. I know Father Your faithfulness can go before him as a shield and rampart.
      God do what You do best as we have seen in Gay’s life. I lift Andy up in prayer LORD for You to set him free. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen (Psalm 91:4)

    • 2.2
      Jennifer D. says:

      Prayers for your brother are being sent, and prayers for you throughout this time!

    • 2.3
      Gay says:

      Amy — I am so sorry to hear about your brother’s struggle. I hate this disease so much! I will be praying for Andy and for Amy.

      Loved you are,

  3. 3
    Laurie says:

    My Dearest sister in Christ
    I’m 46 mother of 5 grown daughters I only tell
    U this because I volunteer at The Cross road
    mission in Yuma Az. They have a Chirst based
    Detox recovery program much like the one you
    Talk about. I’ve never had a Alcohole or drug problem but my sister has
    I want to get straight to the point that I love to sit
    And watch what Christ does w these ladies when
    They choose God. He is amazing mighty faithful n
    True. I’m very proud of you for choosing life and
    Live the life Christ died such a painful death for us.
    Thank you for sharing keep your focus on the Lord
    And you will succeed .
    God Bless

  4. 4
    Brittany says:


    Being willing to do something different… I am terrified of that. I’m terrified of saying what I need to say but if I am going to do something different then I guess I need to tell on myself. I am terrified.

    I’m sure i’m going to regret posting this later, but I bought alcohol yesterday. It’s hidden and while I haven’t had any to drink the desire to drink is strong. I am scared but there is also an excitement in knowing I have it just in case. I made a deal with myself that I would not drink last night but I’m worried that I will today. Mentally I know I need to get rid of it, but the desire is so strong and I don’t trust myself to touch it without drinking it. Oh how I need god right now but I feel like he is angry and disappointed at me. I am scared. And frustrated. And I feel stupid for having so much trouble with this.  I’m scared and for now i am not at my house and I am okay but i am scared for tonight. I’m just scared in general.

    • 4.1
      Dawn says:

      I’m praying for you sister. You can do this thing through Christ who gives you strength. Call someone. Call AA. Take the first step. You deserve better and Jesus wants better for you!

      Dear God,
      Please take dear sweet Brittany by the hand and lead her out of this darkness. Thank you for Gay who is sharing your story through her so beautifully and giving Brittany the strength to reach out through it. Thank you for all you’re doing to lead Brittany to freedom. Thank you for the people who are going to walk with Brittany and love on her as she does the hard thing. Thank you that she can do this through YOU who give her strength! THANK YOU JESUS! AMEN!

      • pat says:

        AMEN!God bless you Brittany! Turn to Jesus, He is a solid rope, tie a knot and hang on to HIM as hard as you can. The Temptor will come at you strong but Greater is HE that is you, than he that is in the world. Lord Jesus, be her strength. Lead her to seek help, and place in her path Your person for counsel.

    • 4.2
      Lauralee Courtney says:

      Brittany….I am praying for you.

    • 4.3
      Laura says:

      Dear Brittany.
      Thanks so much for being brave enough to put this post here. You know we will be praying you don’t drink today. That you turn to the Holy Spirit and just cling to Him with everything you have.
      You now have an army of Sisters crowded around you covering you in prayer.

      Zephaniah 3:17 says:
      The Lord your God
      is with you
      he is mighty to save.
      He will take great delight in you,
      he will quiet you with his love,
      he will rejoice over you with singing.”

      He loves YOU so much no matter where, what, how and with whom.
      He love you!

    • 4.4
      Andrea says:


      “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'” 2 Cor. 12:9

      God is our loving Father. He is forgiving, gracious, and merciful – even though not one of us deserve it, not one! Time and time again the Bible shows us His mercy towards His people. Reach out to Him.

      You are not stupid. This is a problem that is bigger than you, that Satan is using to keep you bound. You don’t have to fight it alone. You took the first step by telling us. Find a Christian whom you can trust to hold you accountable. Get help!

      I am praying for you, Brittany, praying that God gives you freedom and hope.

    • 4.5
      Natalie says:

      Dear sister,

      Allow yourself the possibility of “being seized by the POWER of His GREAT affection” for YOU!

    • 4.6
      Kristen Maddux says:

      You CAN do this. The fact that this post was here for you today is proof that God sees you and wants deliverance for you. Now is the time. But you must ACT too. Throw it out. Tell someone and have them throw it out for you. Call AA, get help. Reread this post and look up the verses therein. There is freedom and joy on the other side!! Praying God’s angels around you tonight.

    • 4.7
      kathypinkbicyclearkansas says:

      Praying that God will squash that desire

    • 4.8

      Brittany, I understand this scary step you are taking. You are NOT alone…..the devil wants you to believe that you are a failure sweet sister but you cannot be a failure because God created you! He created you in His own image my precious sister. Please before you touch that bottle, go to someone who has ears to hear of your pain….you were not meant to suffer through this alone. There are people….in the flesh….who have experienced what you are feeling…just like Gay. You need someone to look you in the eye and tell you that God alone is enough….He is sufficient. Sustained strength is hard to achieve and it may take us a lifetime but just so you know…I am praying for you, I want to be on your team of recovery:)

    • 4.9
      Shelly Elston says:

      I am praying for you, Brittany. You will be in my mind all day and I pray that God gives you strength today that keeps you from drinking and takes away that desire to drink. May you keep your mind and heart on Jesus all day. And may God put the right person/people in your path at this very moment in time to turn your situation into victory! You are loved! You are strong! Press in to The One who can help you.

    • 4.10
      Andie says:

      Praying for you-speaking the name of Jesus over you..

    • 4.11
      Jen H. says:


      I am praying for you right now…

      “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”. 2 Cor. 5:17

      Believe it, sweet sister in Christ! Believe Him! He takes you right where you are right this moment!!

    • 4.12
      Janice says:

      There is nothing too big or too small that Christ won’t handle for you… place your trust in HIM and put your fears at the foot of the cross. Christ has been doing for me what I could NOT do for myself… and I had to place all my fears right at HIS FEET!!! Trust in the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind and know that there is freedom for you… TRUST IN HIM and find FREEDOM, as you walk in His light and LOVE!!

    • 4.13

      I am praying for you (and for all of us), that would know the Truth, and that the truth would set you free…please hear this Brittany, the devil is lying to you! Believe God instead! If you are His child, HIS DIVINE POWER has granted to you EVERYTHING pertaining to life and godliness THROUGH the TRUE KNOWLEDGE of Him Who called you by His own glory and excellence! Pray to the Lord for the strength to do this: throw away the alcohol. I mean out of your house and take it to the dump! Ask someone to go with you if you need to. Then, get your Bible out and start reading, do not put it down until you begin to understand the truth about you. Pray for understanding with all your heart. Pray for your eyes to be opened to the truth. Confess your unbelief, and ask Him to help you overcome your unbelief. Pray for your mind to be transformed and renewed. Read 1 John, Ephesians, and Romans 6-8, and Hebrews every last word. Whatever He leads you to read, read it. What do you have to lose?? Ask yourself this, do you really want to get well? If you think you don’t, ask Him for the “want to” to get well!! He does love you! He does! Be strong, and let you heart take courage. He came to seek and to save the lost! You say that you need God, but you think He is angry and disappointed with you. I have felt the same things. God disciplines His children, those He loves for their own good! He is their “Abba!Father!” He is a Good Father. You and I have got to really know Who He Says He is to begin with! Listen to this: If you confess your sins, He is Faithful and just to forgive you your sins and cleanse you from ALL unrighteousness 1 John 1:9 I will tell you that the enemy has loved trying to make me feel hopeless my entire 29 years of life here on earth. Before salvation in my middle school years, I was without God and without hope in the world, and I knew it! Please read Ephesians 2:11-22. I was hopeless, do you know how desolate that feels?? How dark and scary?? How dreadful?? Then, He saved me! Now, I have hope! Hope as an anchor for the soul!(Heb. 6:18-20) You may feel like you are hopeless right now, but you are most assuredly NOT hopeless if you know Christ! 1 Peter 1:3 Those who are His own are sanctified by the truth. His Word is TRUTH that sets His own FREE!

    • 4.14
      Melanie says:

      Brittany, because you had the courage to post you have secured for yourself a circle of prayer partners. May God bless you with peace and strength. I’m praying for you.

      Jude 1:24
      To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy–to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

    • 4.15
      Rhonda McClellan says:

      Dear, Precious Brittany,

      Jesus redeems, He restores, He heals. He came to set the captives free. Turn to Him. If you’ve never asked Him to be your Savior, don’t wait another minute. If you have, then cling to Him. Cry out to your Redeemer, the Lover of your soul! He will bring you forth as gold. (Job 23:10-12)

      10 But he knows the way that I take;
      when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
      11 My feet have closely followed his steps;
      I have kept to his way without turning aside.
      12 I have not departed from the commands of his lips;
      I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.

      The fact that you read this victory post from Gay today is no accident. God is in the details!! Call someone that loves you and will hold you accountable and ask them to remove the alcohol from your home. God wants to change the status quo for you. We ALL need Him. In fact, we were made to need Him. He does the NEW THING in each of us.

      See, I am doing a new thing!
      Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
      I am making a way in the wilderness
      and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19)

      I’ll be praying for you, Dear One. You are so treasured by Jesus. He is your validation. He calls you worthy. He is praying for you. Run into the shelter of His arms. Seek out the resources He provides. Seek encouragement, and know He does deliver His children from darkness.

      God is in the details!

    • 4.16
      Gay says:

      Hi Brittany! — I’m so glad you’re out here today. I looked for you first thing out here and you didn’t disappoint me, little Sister. I’m so proud of you for telling on yourself. Ya know, secrets just love the dark. They love to thrive and grow and choke the life out of us. My little brother told me one time that “integrity” is when we still do the right thing even when no one is looking. My prayer is that you will still do the right thing tonight because YOU KNOW that if you’re prone to continued, habitual use of alcohol, then it really won’t do anything but HARM you, right? I think I told you that there is nothing so bad that a drink won’t make worse. And I know, I KNOW, that there is just an itch you can’t scratch without that drink. But Brittany, my little sister, that itch will grow into a MONSTER one of these days and it will eat you alive. Might as well say No to it now as say No to it then. Make sense?? I’m praying that God covers you tonight, one night at a time, and that you will enjoy and REMEMBER your evening. Tomorrow morning you will be so happy you persevered. That reminds me of a verse:

      James 1:2-3
      New International Version (NIV)

      Trials and Temptations

      2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

      Brittany — I don’t care what you have to do to not drink, go to a movie, window-shopping, have a hot-fudge sundae, talk on the phone with a friend, but I encourage you to do it. The more you overcome the urge, the stronger you will get. And I highly recommend tossing the bottle. I remember taking my friend, Jerry, yes the one who died, to the hospital here in Houston (this was a few months before he died). When I got back to my car, a full pint of vodka was in the rider’s door pocket. I was probably 18 months sober and I looked at that bottle long and hard. I thought, ya know, I could get away with it. I bet I could. Nobody would have known, Brittany. Nobody. But I know this disease like the back of my hand and I know that wouldn’t have been the end of it. That urge and it getting its claws back into me again would have festered and festered until it would be full blown out of control again. The only end to it for ME (and probably to you as well) is to not do it. Period. You can probably figure out how to reach me if you read the blogs again. Call me if you ever get a chance. I’m praying for you with all my might. I love you, my little Sister!! YOU CAN DO THIS! If I can do it, anybody can do it. With God, ALL things are possible!! So true.

      Together with you in the journey,

      • Gay says:

        One more thing, my Sister: Most of us cannot do this alone. I have a support group woven around me so tight that even if I did have an obsession (a thought that will not go away, that woos and urges me to drink even though I know that its wrong), if I tell on myself like you did above, they would rally around me like crazy. You need others, other WOMEN, in this with you. We are here, YES!!! But I have to have my support group around me daily, DAILY. I encourage you to go to AA, or a women’s Bible study group where you can BE HONEST (like you’re doing here) and let them love and encourage you. God has put so many people in my life, Brittany. I did not do this alone. I did it with THEM and I did it with Him!!! Oh, you are in my most earnest prayers this morning. Will you keep me in yours??

        • Oh, Gay, I am so jealous of this! I want a group like that so much! The groups I’ve gone to when I’ve called them and left messages they never called me back, when I’ve been in situations just like Brittany’s. I’ve probably had more unnecessary relapses because of this it’s not even funny. I try not to be bitter about it. I see so many loving and supporting each other, but they won’t do that for me. Why? What’s so bad about me that they don’t want to pray over me and listen to me? I don’t get it. I know I have relational challenges but so do they. I’d even see them at meetings when I finally would decide to try doing that again and they’d even acknowledge that they got my message, but they never called me back. I really hate that and I feel so alone, and like a freak, because I’m the one person that doesn’t deserve help apparently.

          • Gay says:

            Shellie — Me, Myself and Lies: “I really hate that and I feel so alone, and like a freak, because I’m the one person that doesn’t deserve help apparently.” Don’t fall for that!! Shellie, we live in a crazy busy world and I know that I have so much on my mind that someone has to practically hit me between the eyes with a sledgehammer and say, “Gay, will you help me?”, especially on Saturday nights when I see so many people who need help. My guess is that these women either have that same problem or that they have their own issues. I’m pretty sure that its not about YOU!! But we always think its about us, don’t we? I have a GREAT BOOK entitled The Four Agreements and the second agreement is (paraphrased): Don’t take it personally. Its not about YOU. If these women are too busy or too wrapped up in their own issues, then FIND ANOTHER GROUP. Hop around until you find the right group, the one that God has waiting just for you. If you’re not in a big enough city to “hop” then get into a Bible study group where you can BE HONEST, very important, and let them know you, let your walls down so they can see the real you and support you and love you until you can believe the TRUTH and not fall for the lies. I’m pretty sure that if you found a Beth Moore study, they would ACCEPT YOU no matter what. I hope that helps. I’m praying for you, Shellie, and I know many others out here are too.

            Loved you are, my Sister,

          • Oh, Gay, I really didn’t think you would ever be able to personally respond to me, but thank you! Things are sort of complicated right now. We do live in a really small town where all the people in the different groups are the same and Celebrate Recovery was great until the church that hosts it started getting really legalistic and if you think that didn’t creep into the recovery program, oh, boy! They started telling me I couldn’t see a professional counselor, cause Psychology is totally unbiblical and all the Christian Counselors use Psychology in their counseling. I even had people suggest to me that I wasn’t trusting God by taking medications for depression. And I actually have been told that my awkwardness (insecurity) when I’m talking to people does show big time and people don’t like to be around me. And, of course, it doesn’t help that up until hearing your story and seeing this in myself I’ve totally rejected the idea that it’s a disease and had sort of set out to prove I could control it and outwardly I did and I have. Only one person can totally see through all that, and I hardly ever see her and she has Muscular Dystrophy that makes it really hard to understand her when she talks cause it effects all the muscles in her body. She’s wheeelchair bound at this point, but whenever I bragged about only having one drink, she’d look at me and say, “Yeah, but did you think about it. You haven’t stopped thinking about it since, have you?” I remember saying, “Well, I did kind of look around the room and saw people only drank part of theirs and that drove me nuts. Why would you do that? In fact, I almost tapped the girl next to me on the shoulder and asked her if she was going to drink that.” She said, “See, you have an alcoholic brain and someday you’re gonna realize that.” Ummm, yes, I think that day has arrived and I feel like such a fake. Anyway, yes, I did Beth Moore studies for years and when I admitted to having these struggles the women totally started avoiding me. They liked the fake me, not the real me. It drove me nuts, cause I was like, you have no problem with that lady on the screen telling you that she was a mess, but someone who really is currently a mess and in your midst isn’t okay I guess. I was heartbroken and that’s the only church I knew at the time that does her studies. We started having more and more problems there and finally left and started going to the church I told you about above that had the recovery program. Made sense since I was already going there on Friday nights. I really would have rather gone to Real Life Ministries even then, cause I already had a few contacts there and heard awesome things about this new church plant. Plus, they came from the church my friend, Angela, goes to in Post Falls. In fact, I found the same family that planted the church here originally planted that church. Angela kept urging me to go there, telling me she knew these people and they would totally accept me and love me. We started going there a month ago and she was so right. I’d love to tell you the conversation I had with the senior pastor but I’m already writing a huge comment!This pastor already knew about me and my struggles and he was totally non-judgmental and so welcoming. He finished with, “And Shellie, you’re welcome here, anytime.” They’re doing a Beth Moore Bible Study but it didn’t work in my schedule, plus right after they started I found out my husband’s being promoted and we’re moving, but we’re moving to Spokane, which is a much larger city and I will have options there and I found out yesterday that Real Life has sent peopole up there to plant churches. They have one in North Spokane, which is the area we’ll be living in and they’re getting ready to build their own building last I heard, and one in Spokane Valley, and I guess they’re about to launch anothe one in South Spokane. And the one in Post Falls is only a half hour away. We’ll probably visit all 4 and take our pick. I know the one in Post Falls has a huge recovery program with several different groups that meet there! And I’m sure Angela would love it if we went to church with her again. Of course, that being the original Real Life is HUGE! THey have five services, so who knows if we’d even see her and her family. Well, if we went their we’d probably try to go to the same service as them, since I know them. Her husband actually prayed with me to receive Christ 17 years ago! He wasn’t even her husband then! She ended up doing a bible study with me and my roommate in our dorm room at that time. She knew me before I accepted Christ, when I was just the wild party girl on campus! That’s why it makes her so mad when she sees people here treating me like a Christian who hasn’t grown one ounce cause she knows better! She says if she brought the me she met 17 years ago to them they wouldn’t even recognize me!!!

          • So, we’re pulling out of here after church on March 11th, (they’re going to help us finish loading the van after church) so if I can make it until then, I’ll be okay, but right now 2 weeks feels like an eternity! The church is even contacting their people up there to help us unload when we get to Spokane. I’m telling you, I love this church! They are so awesome! They barely know us and they’ve completely taken us in as their own! But, I was just telling someone at church yesterday that I feel like such a fake, both as a Christian and as an alcoholic. I’m just a dry drunk (if you’ve ever heard that term and know what it means) and I feel like I need to have a real relapse before I go to a meeting. I’m telling you, I’m a complete nut! But I don’t feel like my 18 months hardly counts, cause I’ve been obsessing off and on the whole time! It counts, but not really, which just feels too weird to be real, so I want to make it real, you know. Plus, I just want to do it one more time. Okay, yes, I know, I’m such a freak!

    • 4.17
      Melissa Ford says:

      I totally understand when you say that it’s the night time that scares you. I understand that you feel/believe you are stupid. Not true. It’s a lie from the pit of hell. I say this b/c I hear my own battles in your writing. Just last night major battles in my mind. Satan wants us to believe that battle means…it’s over, your thru, give up…but battle means “God will never leave me or forsake me, I am safe, He loves me…His mercies are new every morning…” I’m willing to believe there is a person out there for you to call upon when needed. I believe it b/c I am praying for it NOW. Share, share, share and I cannot wait to hear, hear, hear how God reveals Himself to you and rescues you. The choice is ours the love and tenderness is His.
      You are covered in prayer today.

    • 4.18
      Rebecca says:


      I WILL be praying for you often. Do NOT believe in Satan’s evil schemes. You are not stupid….God did not create anything dumb. You are indeed a beautiful creation made by Jesus!!

      I have learned a few life changing lessons recently.

      1) I can’t do anything without Him. Sometimes I think if I reeeaally put my mind to it, I can just fix my issues of low self esteem overnight, if I dig down deep. Well, that doesn’t work…but no worries, because Philippians 4:13 says that I can do ALL things THROUGH HIM….not by myself. AND, HIS POWER is made perfect in our WEAKNESS (2 Corinthians 12: 8-10.). Jesus has A lotta power!

      2) one of my fave verses:
      2 Corinthians 10:4
      “We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.”

      You are so special!
      Love from above,

  5. 5
    Living4Him says:

    Blessings from your words, Gay. These 5 messages have spoken volumes to me and many in my path as I print them and share your words of hope.

  6. 6
    Kim N. says:

    Powerful stuff! How marvelous is His faithfulness to us!!!

    Heb 12:1
    …let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set out before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God

    Phil 1:6
    …being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

    2 Cor 12:9
    But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

    2 Cor 9:8
    And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

  7. 7
    Dana says:

    To GOD be the glory, great things He has done! Thank you Gay for your transparency. God is using you BIG TIME!

  8. 8
    Michelle says:

    Courageous testimonies never fail to inspire and bless others and I am so blessed by yours…and challenged! I struggle constantly with behaviors and attitudes that I am ashamed of that may seem socially acceptable in our culture but I know are not pleasing to God and are not a good witness. Every time I say or do something I swore I would not say or do again to my loved ones I am overcome with remorse and at times lapse into self-loathing. I know this isn’t the life God wants for me. I give Satan a foothold more often than I care to admit. I have been so humbled by your post today. I have hope because our gracious Lord never stops pursuing us, using even this blog to do so!! Thanks AGAIN for being willing to share your story!!!

  9. 9
    Jan Maxwell says:

    What A joy it was to hear your story.(sent to me from a close Christian sister.). I too am in recovery. (10years). !!! Now that I have found this blog–will look forward to hearing more from you AND about you.
    Much love in Him
    Jan M.

  10. 10
    Ashley says:

    This is so good! It’s a well-known, yet rarely done, principle, that becoming a servant is what sets us free. If we can ever just stop looking at ourselves, our “selves” are healed. Preaching to myself right now. Thank you for the reminder.

  11. 11
    Yanna Westmoreland says:

    “I got a most wonderful sponsor and worked the steps honestly and wholeheartedly.” As I read your story Gay your story is mine, just a different bondage that I had to overcome. Myself. I too got a most Wonderful Sponser and worked the steps He set for me in His Word honestly and wholeheartedly. I join you in the prayer that my life will only glorify the One who set me free, and that I may be a light that shines brighter for others remembering by God’s grace He is making me into the woman He wants me to be. I love you Auntie Gay, you shine like a star. “And those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the sky above; and those who turn many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever.” Daniel 12:3 ESV

  12. 12
    Mary H says:

    Dear Gay,
    Thank you. May God bless your ministry for his Great Glory. I pray that He gives you back what you lost and much more.
    Hebrews 4:16
    Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
    You are a living testimony to this verse. Praise be to our Lord and Savior.

  13. 13
    Andrea Porter says:

    Siesta Gay,
    Thank you so much for these heartfelt words and sharing your story with such boldness and honesty. I was so sorry to hear about your friend Jerry. I’m sorry for his lost chance of redemption and sobriety, here and now, with loved ones to cheer him on to another day of freedom, faith and action. He is certainly in good hands now, I am sure of this. I also loved the scriptures you picked from James and Philippians, yes, I too believe that faith without action is dead. I felt that way every time we moved and had to find a new church home. Dead. Lost. Off course. Empty. However, when we found that new church home, boy I would jump in with both feet. I would hit the ground running because I knew my time was limited, but being involved was so worth it, because I would come alive again. Bless you, for your honesty and action to help others with this same affliction
    You are so loved and such an inspiration. Philippians 2:13 For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Amen. (((BEAR HUG))) Andrea

  14. 14
    Kate says:

    Can it be that something so terrible as this disease was, in fact, a gift? So many are bound by equally harmful yet more socially acceptable habits, thought processes, relationships, yet because they look respectable, they may never feel the pressure to get free.

    My chains were a different sort than addiction, but I stand in awestruck freedom now (after, yes, having worked my tail off and seen God running alongside doing miracles and shouting encouragement as I did) and all I can think is how grateful I am for the awful things I walked through–they were the fires that pushed me to Canaan. Thank you thank you for sharing your story.

    • 14.1
      Gay says:

      Kate — It has taken me a long time in sobriety to think that the disease, or the places it took me, were, in fact, a gift. I think I continue to feel that more and more each day that I am sane and sober. When I think of when I was simply breathing in and out, almost dead, and what my life is today, fully present and active, I think of the resurrection. But it has been MORE than just resurrection, death to life, it has been death to full, abundant, EVER-GROWING life. Its almost more than I can get my head around! I love this God so much!! To Him be all honor and glory and majesty. And to Him alone!!!

      Loved you are,

  15. 15
    Melissa Ford says:

    Once again, it is so encouraging to read your words, and hear your heart. In the words of Anne Shirley you are “a kindred spirit” b/c I am finding that so many people (myself included) have a hard time recognizing our sin or strongholds b/c we are so worried about self-preservation. Thank you for sharing.

  16. 16
    r.elliott says:

    reading these are so encouraging…my brother has been in and out of treatment most of his adult life…his life is a lot like your former life……just spent 5 days in the hospital…5 days sober…still couldnot/wouldnot see the 2 paths before him…one of life…one of death…he returned home…He is probably very close to the street…I am not sure his x-wife will let him go there…or my parents… who have struggled with this so long…sometimes I think it is hopeless…but then I read your story…thanks for letting your story bring hope ….my brother’s name is walter…prayers would be coveted.

  17. 17
    CJ says:

    Of all the information in this post, the comment that stood out to me the most was the “I had to unweave all of my plans and trust HIS PLAN.” It really is just a simple statement, BUT says so much. I know I have had to do this in my professional life as well as my personal life.

    Gay also highlights something else that is BIG….there ARE non-believers sitting in our churches! They attend on a regular basis and ARE members, but are NOT believers.

    Thanks Gay for relaying your experience in words….it helps us understand and I’m sure brings an extra layer of recovery to you.

  18. 18
    Kathleen says:

    Wow! I see a book here that will minister to so many.

  19. 19
    Lori Morris says:

    I love that He loves You and He loves me…I’m continually encouraged by your testimony…praying for my sister and all of us in our large family who have this neverending DISease. AA was founded on ‘religious beliefs’; the Oxford Group…I’m sure you know about all that…THANK YOU for being real and sharing your “bridge” between the two groups of recovering people; AA and Church! I’m sure our families MUST have crossed paths somewhere along the line, maybe years ago while on a “geographic move” to Pasadena TX for my alcoholic dad at the time. One of my very favorite memories is living in Texas (for six weeks lol)!!

  20. 20
    Marti says:

    I have been glued to these entries.

    Gay…you’re doing what Siestas call “doing the thing with God.” Get it, girl. Big hugs…

  21. 21
    Kim says:

    I’m not sure, but I think I hold my breath the whole time I am reading your posts. And then at the end, I exhale.

    Thanks again and again and again. God is speaking through you, so keep speaking.

  22. 22
    CC says:

    “His purpose is for me to stay sober, do what He puts in front of me each day, and to step through the doors that He opens for me, despite my fears and my inadequacies.”
    I think this is true of all of us! I want to remember this for my own life. Also, I love your final statement: “hope. Everyone needs some.” That is so true. Thanks for spreading it around, Gay.

  23. 23
    Cristi says:

    Gaye, you should write a book! Awesome!

  24. 24
    Volleyball Ginger says:


    Blessings to you Gay!

    Wetumpka, AL

  25. 25

    Your postings move me to tears, Gay. There is so much there to process…you did not know this, but Philippians 2:13 has been on my mind for the last couple of days. I am so so grateful that He works in us the will and to do for His Good pleasure!…so many thoughts are competing in my mind right now that I want to say to you. I think it all comes down to…His way is absolutely perfect! May we want it! May we want it! All to His glory…all for our good…no pretense, no hypocrisy, no pride, no more sin-sickness! It is beyond us…but He is…Lord help us! We need You! Amen! So be it!

  26. 26
    AmberK says:

    Gay, I’m so happy for you and your sons and for your sisters!!! 🙂 And grateful for Tut…that God used him to get you up off that ground and into an AA chair. 🙂 And ultimately, back in His arms. He loves us all so much.

    You sharing your testimony is saving lives. I hope you feel that and know it, too.


  27. 27
    Heather says:

    Amen sister!!!! My husband is sober because of AA and has been for 14 years! “Keep coming back, it works if you work it, if you don’t you die.” I’ve seen the light of Jesus you’re talking about right there in AA! He is so so good!!!

  28. 28
    Terry says:

    AMEN!!! “To God be the glory, great things He hath done. So loved He the world that He gave us His Son, Who yielded His life — an atonement for sin, and opened the life-gate that all may go in. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord; let the earth hear His voice! Praise the Lord, praise the Lord; let the people REJOICE! O come to the Father through Jesus the Son, and GIVE HIM THE GLORY; GREAT THINGS HE HATH DONE!”

  29. 29
    Kim says:

    I have to tell you I have been waiting daily for your next post, and was thrilled when I opened my computer and saw IT!!! Thank you for your honesty, transparency, and being so REAL! I am looking forward to your next post, I love to hear the testimony of God in your life, it inspires, gives hope and courage.

  30. 30
    Church Lady says:

    Great job, Gay! Your testimony may be just what someone needed to hear today.

  31. 31
    Tammie says:

    Oh Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for sharing! What an encouragement! What a beautiful living testimony of God’s grace! I am richly blessed and challenged… and can’t wait to share this with the ladies i am working with who are in the same place you were… Bondage… I pray God uses this to bring them into Freedom.

  32. 32
    Patti says:

    Thank you for the courage to share your life. It is an eye opener for me, seeing into the life of a person addicted to alcohol. Your turn around in life is so encouraging to those of us who, although it may not be alcohol, have other life issues that need God’s intervention. God bless you for sharing!

  33. 33
    Natalie says:

    Real. Truth.
    Your words through the glorious riches in Christ Jesus are going to motivate the afflicted to ACTION!

  34. 34

    That first paragraph. That is one of the most challenging, right on things I have ever read. You hit the nail on the head of addiction.
    And then what you wrote about WORKING, ACTION?! That is God-breathed wisdom right there. I can just hear Him saying that me. (And not even having to do with addiction in my life right now, but just with my WALK in general.) We want all to have this vibrant relationship with Him, we want to be all He had created us to be, but we don’t want to fight, to put in the hard, daily work. That kind of thinking is an epidemic in the American Christian culture. It is there for the taking, but it takes ACTION too. Thanks for the reminder, Gay.
    My heart jumps a little when I see you’ve written a new portion and I can’t click fast enough to read it. LOVE IT!!!

  35. 35
    Jill says:

    This is a powerful, powerful testimony. Having watched close friends and family members struggle with the disease of alcoholism, I believe that you are a miracle and a true embodiment of God’s grace. Alcoholism is a nasty, insidious disease. The only time I have seen someone succeed against alcoholism is to get into AA and WORK THE PROGRAM.

    As one of my dearest womb to tomb friends told me, ” It finally dawned on me after 4 rehab stints and not being able to will and wish my self sober, that the cool kids were all in AA.” She is my hero and I just bawl when I hear the words ” My name is ____ and I am an alcoholic.”

  36. 36
    Elizabeth says:

    Thanks Gay. As I memorize the book of James I will reflect upon your words as an example of how faith and works “work”. You are a wonderful testimony to the transforming power of the Spirit of the Most High! Keep on keeping on!

  37. 37
    sweet anonymous says:

    Dear Gay,
    The power of your testimony just continues to blow me away. God is using you in such an amazing way. How I love knowing as Jesus pulled you out of that pit He knew how many lives you would touch, including mine. There are so many wonderful nuggets of truth here I need to go back and read over and over just to take in all that God is saying thru you…can’t wait. The part that spoke to me this morning was doing something different and being faithful to what God puts in front of you.
    Ya know how you said you felt like you were in Nazi AA, I feel like I am Nazi therapy. My counselor she just don’t mess around neither. I know I have to face the pain of my past but right now I feel so raw with pain I almost can’t stand it. Lastnight the tears just wouldn’t stop.
    I go to see my counselor today at noon…ick..I do want to be healed so I will do my part and put one foot in front of the other. Help me Lord to be as brave as your dear servant Gay has been…she is truly an inspiration and a blessing.

  38. 38
    Jeanette Dahm says:

    Dear Gay, Thank you for those powerful words. They have spoken to my “addiction” of the status quo and fear of moving to the unknown. Having taken chances throughout my life I was willing to “justify” staying in a “comfortable” situation because the fear of change was too strong. But your words have broken that “chain” of false comfort that Satan has put around me. Jesus wants us to step into His living water where His comfort is all we need not the false comfort that drowns us. I pray that you continue to heal and to heal others through your powerful testimony.

  39. 39
    FloridaLizzie says:

    Thank you once again, Gay. Thanks to your story, I started going to Al-Anon to deal with the fact that I am troubled with a loved one’s addiction. I had been thinking about it for almost 6 months, but your words gave me the courage I needed to just do it. It is really helping restore my peace and sanity, and I know God put it into my life. Aren’t you thankful God is using your testimony in others’ lives?

  40. 40
    Erin says:

    One thing I am learning, through reading your installments, Gay, and through the James Bible study (ironically they totally coincide) is that you can truly truly truly want to be free. You can want to be free more than anything in the world, and you can do all of the right things. You can go to church, study your head off, pray, truly sell yourself out to the things of God, and still be in bondage. You can receive so many words from various books, preachers, and teachers and they can be a huge blessing in the moment, but…. the action. The action of actually taking those words and applying them, and doing them, even though they hurt and they are soo hard, is mandatory we really want all God has for us. It’s funny, but I think the Enemy can trick us into “feeling free” maybe through hearing an impactful teaching, but unless we go home and do it, apply it out, and make the mental choice to chose the right thing (against all natural tendency) we are still bound. And tempted to think that God didn’t do His part, because it didn’t work. Thank you for the encouragement!!

  41. 41
    Claudia says:

    Wow Gay, I am so proud of you. My son has worked in adolescent drug and alchol (substance abuse) for nine years. They are not allowed to say “GOD” only “A higher power”. He quit about a week ago because the stress was more than he could handle anymore. His work load included more and more kids and the sucess rate was lower and lower. Is it any wonder? “A higher power” ? Please, there is only one higher power call him GOD! All of these kids were there because the court appointed them to be there or go to jail. Most of them just wanted to get through it so they could get back out and on the drug that brought them there in the first place. So very very often their own parents were addicted and the childs supplier. Don’t get me wrong, God put him there and did a good work through him but he also took him out when the time came for him to go. If not for God he would never have been able to do it in the first place. If God brings you to it he will see you through it!

  42. 42
    Betty M says:

    Dear Gay,
    I have your name right beside the LPM Ministries in my prayer journal. Your posts are so typical of what alcoholics all say. It is difficult to see how an addiction can rob so much until you are on the other side of it. Blessings to you and your loved ones as you continue your journey to wholeness. Love, Betty M

  43. 43
    Jennifer D. says:

    Dear Gay,
    I have been waiting and watching ALL week for your next installment. I absolutely adore hearing your story and perspective. My beloved dad died in the battle of alcholoism. Just like your dear friend, I know that he is in Heaven and at peace. He is no longer attacked my the need to drink (after watching two rounds of horrifying numerous days of detox – I know that it had become a physical requirement for his body). I appreciated your perspective on the power that alcohol has to help escape pain – this was my dad’s coping mechanism and then it helped remove the guilt.

    How I have wished that he could have beaten the battle and started over. This has resulted in me struggling angry, grief, and depression. Praise Jesus that He has met me and brought peace and healing. I am currently doing the Stepping Up Ascent through the Psalms study by your dear sister and it has helped bring healing. Again, I whole heartedly thank you for sharing your story and perspective – it is so helpful for the daughter of an alcoholic to better understand.

    May God pour out His love and grace on you as you continue your journey!

  44. 44
    Joyce Watson says:

    Thank you, Gay for sharing your testimony with us.
    I thank you, that you taught us so much in each story and in some way we can all relate to what you had to say.
    Even now, as we read about what you went through and saw how God had His precious hands on your life then helped you out of trouble_we all have been there in some way or at some point in our lives struggling, in fear or in doubt hoping the tides and winds of life would blow in a different direction by itself, when all we needed was God himself and His Word to pick us up again. It took alot of courage for you to get the help you needed. Praising God for you, Gay and asking Him to bless you.
    Thank you, God that you are a God that tranforms lives, that works for the good of those who love You, that You are our Help, that You do the impossible when others do not think it is possible, that You provide when we are in need, that we are loved not condemned and worthless, because You are faithful. God, You are enough! You are all we need!in Christ

  45. 45
    maureen ross says:

    Enjoying the journey, Gay!I love the encouragement!Praying and running this race!He is sovereign and is always our strength in our weakness. This week in Beth’s Tuesday night BS, I had already had a rough day, and the enemy had decided to pursue me relentlessly that day. I hadn’t sat down in a chair and start praying when the peace that we know is our Father settled me down and loved me to my knees. I believe, being so broken at times, that all we can do is cry out and that is action!However it is, as I continue to stay upright and sober, the Father’s will that staying sober is my number one priority. I look forward with excitement to more installments. God be in your head and heart, sweet sister.

  46. 46
    Susan says:

    Dear Gay,
    Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story in such an honest, God-glorifying manner. I know that He has and will continue to use you POWERFULY! Thank you for reminding all of us that He can break any and every chain that binds us!

    May God richly bless you!

  47. 47
    Child of GOD says:

    “Therefore get your minds ready for action by being fully sober.” 1 Peter 1:13.
    I believe that it is the enemy’s most powerful tool and that there is no amount of ACTION too great to arm ourselves with the tools required to fight it. I also believe that the enemy is hateful, insidious and low-down enough to use our faith in the Power of God to keep us from using the very tools that He has provided for us to ARM OURSELVES!!!

    Whooo Girl! YES!

    Some of the biggest chains of lies he has tried on me have to do with WHO JESUS IS.

    You bless me soo so much Gay. I LOVE that HE revealed to you the truth of action in faith. I too think I used to live naively convinced that I believe and therefore it will change. ITs THE WORK.

    Now in being forgiven and free, I am learning to fight in the freedom, because once again, I have to be engaged in fighting the enemy with my Sword of the Spirit and hold up my shield of Faith. And you were so right when you said, ‘where my ability failed, HE took over.’

    I might just very well print this out to read over and over. SO RICH SO REAL.

    Thank you. PRAYERS FOR YOU!!!!

  48. 48
    Shely Elston says:

    Dearest Gay,

    Once again, I am in tears at the end of what you’ve written and blown away by all that God has done in and through you. You are authentic and transparent. I fully believe your story is helping so many people who need to hear what you have to say. Has anyone told you that you should write a book? I don’t know if that’s in God’s plan for your story but the thought just kept coming to my mind as I read this latest installment. No matter what, you have helped many, of THAT I am certain.

    May God continue to pour His strength into you so that you can continue to pour it out onto the many people you reach out to help. Thank you for sharing your amazing story with us. It has blessed me and opened my eyes and my heart to a desperate population.


  49. 49
    HOPE in Him says:


    Everyone needs HOPE and no one can steal our HOPE. It is such a small word but it means everything. I will never forget the first time I heard those words come out of Beth’s mouth during the Believing God bible study… My marriage was falling apart and I was broken in every way possible and God and my new friend Beth took my hands and led me to Jesus’ promises. It takes time but HE is always there.

    I also have learned there is no condemnation for those in CHRIST! Glory!! AMEN for redemption and freedom.

    Thank you for sharing with us!

  50. 50
    carrie says:


    Thank you for your powerful testimony..! I can identify with every word..I am in recovery…My disease took me to that place of darkness..took my kids. took me to jail, took my self respect and took me out to the streets…God’s path for me started in NA..and by the Grace of GOD I have been clean for 21 years..PRAISE GOD..HE IS ALWAYS GOOD..!! I love the LORD with all of my heart and soul and have never forgotten where I came from and how much he loves me…my walk with Jesus is stronger than it has ever been and grows stronger everyday…KEEP ON KEEPING MY FRIEND….XO XO XO <3

    Carrie 10/13/90

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