I think it’s time to say something. I’m going to keep it pretty short because I’m not ready to go long on it. Still processing it. Still trying to figure things out. One day maybe I’ll write on it with some length and depth but not until God has done a longer and deeper work in me.
I’ve been through the identity crisis of my adult life in the last year. No exaggeration. It has been one of the most excruciating things I have ever endured. After a lifetime of belonging – which, in itself, betrays a certain privilege – I tumbled into a season marked by the most alien sense of unbelonging. Some of it was imagined. Some of it was startlingly real. Some of it was temporary. Some of it painfully endures. I disappointed people I’d so wanted to please and I was disappointed by people I demanded to be heroic. In some very painful respects, I’d given the benefit of the doubt where I shouldn’t have and withheld it in a few places worthy of it.
Numbers of us who’d previously aligned and agreed – not on everything but on enough – were cracking and crumbling. Some people I thought I knew felt like strangers to me and I, to them. Each of us Christian, some of us would talk and talk and truly attempt to understand one another only to hang up or walk away exasperated, incapable of grasping the other’s view. New teams were forming and I felt like I was slipping on ice, scrambling to find the right one. The one that would always be right on everything.
A fog had cleared that I couldn’t cloud back up. I saw things I couldn’t unsee and, for a while, a dark cloud descended where that fog had been. I had the unshakable sense that, though it was dark, I was not to shut my eyes. That I’d see more in that dark place than I’d seen in years of sun-up.
Still navigating some of it. Still trying to keep my eyes open.
And mostly to things that need changing in myself. Ways I’ve been kidding myself. Ways I’ve been part of the problem instead of the solution. Ways I’ve been a coward. A people pleaser. A crowd pleaser. Ways I’ve been acceptably Christian in many circles maybe, but not Christlike. Make no mistake. There can be a wide gulf fixed between those two things.
My entire identity has been steeped in the church. In a people, not bricks and mortar. Started serving the church in 6th grade when I’d graduated out of VBS and began helping the grown ups. Church has been good to me, a harbor amid the stormy unstable home life of my upbringing. I have no horror stories about church. I’ve known love, acceptance, forgiveness, grace and growth in each congregation and never loved a church more than the one I’m presently part of. I can’t imagine life without church. I will serve it till I die.
But my identity is having to be reshaped in Christ alone. He alone cannot change. He alone remains unswayed. He alone is Savior. He alone can take the pressure of being adored. Everyone else we set up high is just another Humpty Dumpty waiting to fall.
I am sanguine to the bone. I love a group. I love my friends. I love my associates. I love familiarity. I love knowing what to expect and getting it. I love being able to fill in a sentence like this with confidence: I am a ____________________.
But the only label I know for certain I want to wear is this one: Jesus-follower. I want to go with Jesus. When pilgrimage gets to be a group fare, fabulous. Nothing is more fun to me. But when pilgrimage with Him requires more aloneness or more traversing with unfamiliar sojourners who make me feel awkward, that has to be just fine, too.
I want to do people good. I want to go to those margins where people need the gospel most. I want to love. Sacrifice. Wrestle. Change. I don’t just want to go where I feel like I belong. I just want to go where Jesus points.
Months into this ridiculous identity crisis, it turns out I didn’t lose as many friends or as much community as I feared. But what I lost was my naivety.
Good riddance I guess. Good but hard riddance.
I want to be brave for the sake of the gospel. Too much is at stake and too many people dying and suffering to take the cheap route. This was meant all along to cost us something.
Maybe fitting isn’t the point. The fact is, we don’t fit here. We fit someplace we’ve never been. Maybe the holes we feel in our lives aren’t all supposed to be filled. Let them sit there awhile and ache. Let them sit there awhile and speak. Maybe they’ve got something to say.
Love you Beth and for your Boldnest in teaching Christ to all
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Reminds me of 1 Peter 2 and the song from Building 429 titled WHERE I BELONG. This isn’t our home. It’s not. We are foreigners and aliens living amongst pagans. Rejected by humans, chosen by God. Perhaps this moment, right here and right now, is the moment we created for (Esther 4:14).
1. I have always appreciated your wisdom, grace, discernment & skill at expressing yourself in the midst of relationships without slandering, gossiping, or betraying identities & confidences.
2. You remain a treasured mentor though we’ve never met. I so value your willingness to share your walk with me.
Praying for you now before I hit submit. Much love.
Please write a book about this. I’m here for it. I’m for you.
I thought a message like this might be coming. I have seen communities that I trusted take stands on things that are so surprising. We must be for Jesus first and go to those that Jesus wants us to. That means the marginal where many do not want to go. I have never felt like I fit in and I feel like people I trusted to have humility and kindness have taken me on a ride that has caused major whiplash. Thank you for this. I know there is so much you cannot say but I am here with you. And I am proud of you and your daughter’s speaking up on Twitter.
Thank you Beth for this post. I have been undergoing my own identity crisis as a Christian during the past year too. Thank you for making me feel not so alone in this. I continue to look at my past involvement as a Christian and see myself acting as an American Christian, but not necessarily as a Jesus following Christian. As you said, I have been made aware in the past year of so much of the world and God’s people that I have been neglecting because they fell outside of what my church congregation looked like. As you said though, once something becomes unclouded, you cannot put the cloud back. I have no idea where God is going to lead me or use me next, but I sure know this. I would rather follow his Son and his ways anywhere He leads rather than to continue to simply ride along with the popular group afraid to get out of their holy huddle. Blessings to you as you continue to learn, lean, and grow!
3426 SE Maple Street
Thank you for putting into words what I have experienced myself! The rose colored glasses came off for me and I was deeply disappointed and saddened, but because of it, four years later, I am healthier. I still cannot put it into exact words, but God knows and time goes on! I do not profess to be a “spiritual giant”. Thanking God for his love and forgiveness and knowledge of who we are and not putting too much weight into what others think!
I have no idea what this is about! So glad your “fog has cleared” and look forward to hearing what you found.
Sweet Beth! Your identity may have been in crisis over this past year….but just so you know, you couldn’t have brought us a better word than you did in Youngstown last November. Learning about God’s PRESENTS (in all forms) has stuck to my bones. You did people good that weekend. In Christ alone our hope is found.
Will see you in Toledo! Can’t wait to be captivated!
Awesome article Sista! I sent u a Direct Message on Twitter! Much love 2u!
Beth, I have been through a time of extreme change when I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me in my church, my core group of friends, my neighborhood where I raised my children. God moved me away so that I would stop seeking to be part of that group, stop desiring to fit in where I no longer fit due to different beliefs, and start to spend more one on one focused time with my Lord. It was so painful at first but God knew what He was doing and what I needed, to learn and grow in my faith and to learn that what I most need is Him and that I have one foot planted here on earth and one foot reaching to step in heaven, looking forward to that day. Prayers for strength and healing for you and that God makes His path clear for you each day.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve always wished I could articulate my words the way you do. In these days a word comes to mind that you shared at a conference a couple years ago I think. It was to the Robison’s
1 Peter 1: 7 These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed.
His image on us is real and I pray our joy will be our strength.
Couldn’t agree with you more! This world – even the Christian community is not my home – be wise yet gentle! Surprised by Christian leaders – WHERE ARE THEY? And more what do they stand for- maybe it’s Who do they stand for?
Wow, I certainly know some of the these feelings. I could almost pen my name to this. I am still fighting some of my thoughts and feelings. You have always blessed me with your Bible studies. May God help us both as we keep journeying on for God!
Your words. “…traversing with unfamiliar sojourners who make me feel awkward, that has to be just fine, too.” Really convicted me today. Thanks for your insights today!
Years ago – over 10 now – I remember you teaching on having to go to a place of “Further Still.” You related it to Jesus in the Garden and talked about how even your closest friends couldn’t go there with you. That message has profoundly impacted me time and time again. It sounds like you have been to those places this year! Thank you for your transparency and working out your faith with fear and trembling. You are a jewel! God is faithful. Always.
I really appreciate this. After many years away from church I am started making my way back but sometimes I wonder why I am bothering, last year’s events didn’t help much. I just don’t feel like there is a place for me there but I feel like I need to do it. You blog post tells me that perhaps there is always going to be this tension there and perhaps I just need to sit with it instead of trying to move past it. Thank you for sharing, it really encourages me that I am not the only one out there.
Beth, you know how I feel about you goes without saying. What drew me to you many years ago was that I so very much appreciate your transparency and authenticity. Your courage continues to be bold. You have been a mentor and a big sister to me even though you don’t it:-). You are the real deal sister!
You are one of God’s greatest gifts to the Kingdom. Please hear that if you hear nothing else.
Please know that I am praying for you when you ask for it and even when you don’t know.
Much love to you!!!!!
I wept at your words last year. Finally! I didn’t feel so alone. Your study was my first introduction as a student of the Bible (20 years ago) and it was life changing. I pray God’s guidance and comfort for you. Thank you for loving the Lord and explaining HIS word. I look forward to September 16! My prayers. ❤️
Times that God uses to stretch us and our faith are usually the unpleasant but necessary times.
Thank you for revealing your identity crisis, you are not alone. Prayers going up for you.❤️
Beth, I just saw you in Colorado and I am so grateful for your ministry. When I read this just now all I could think of is how desperate the enemy must be to shut you and all those you hold dear up. You are reaching so many women; giving us strength, hope, freedom in His Word. I prayed for God to protect you and your ministry from all assaults. As Christine Caine would say…”press on”, Beth. And as you taught us a week ago, get your happy back…it is your right and responsibilty…stretch those arms forward!!! He is our Hope and our Rock! And we ARE on our way to….
Dear Beth,
Welcome to the club. This year has been an identity crisis for many of us and no doubt a lot of it probably stems from politics. One thing I know is that now is the time for the prophets of the faith to rise up. Now is not the time to shrink back in silence. There is a purpose behind the pain and we are to be bold in Christ. It’s hard though. I am not going to lie. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. I’m like the team captain of this list. But, I am learning to be brave. I have lost some friends but I trust God that He will provide more. I’m sad, desperately sad, to see them go and I am sorry if I hurt or offended anyone but by the same token I can’t be too concerned with that because we have in the church right now too many false prophets. Some on TV. Continue to be brave, Beth. I will pray for you that God would strengthen your heart and send encouragement to you all throughout this trial. Keep being bold and brave. You are so loved and respected. Thank you for your heart and for your words. They have served an encouragement to me during dark days and I am sure that they have others as well. God is going to use you in a mighty way to unify this darkness…..keep shinning your light.
It’s a hard time, but you are not alone. I think there are a lot of us feeling a little out of sorts with so much controversy around us. I was reading a bible study last night that brought me so much comfort, after feeling a little beat up. It said, “…because persistence still has you on your feet when the majority hit the couch over the next inconvenience.
Persist….
When it seems the anointing has run completely dry.
When it seems heaven has forgotten you’re alive.
When you feel uninspired. Tired.
When you’ve been fired.
When your faith shows no results.
When your obedience has not paid off.
When your prayers seem like wasted breath.
When your bones feel dead – and so does the Word. Persist. Jesus is on His way. Your anointing has not run dry. Heaven has not forgotten you’re alive. You have not believed for nothing. the results of your faith will soon sprout from that fallow ground. Just a little more rain. Just a little more thunder. Your obedience will pay off. You have not wasted a single breath on prayer. there is still life in your bones and, child of God, there is still life in His Word. Persist. from Entrusted I was such an encouragement to me. Thank You.
You put into words what I”ve been feeling for over a year now. Thank you for the words. Prayers.
My husband died a year ago….I too am having an identity problem. He was bipolar and it was 50 rough years of marriage. I grew spiritually from it. But who am I now? I’m dating, not as naive! The world has changed. Christians sleep around. People say “Where did you come from?” I lived a naive, overly protected life. I am deciding between 2 cars, a sedan, or an Audi sporty thing. Which car is the new me? Sedan, mom, gramma old me? Or the blonde, shapely new me Audi? Which do I buy? I’m in process. Thankful for a never changing God. Trying to decide between two men too. God is my rock! God bless you where you are NOW!
Cindi Bennett
Thank you for sharing. For stepping out. From what just read and an article that I read this past week, you are right in step with What He is doing in the body of Christ. Keep sharing. What you are going through so are others. When all you want is to follow Him to see Jesus and to see what He sees, then everything changes
Jesus is unchanging, the gospel is unchanging and the Word of God is also unchanging. I love you and all of your Bible Studies but I would also love a more detailed post relating to this one. Honestly sometimes your tweets are so vague or over my head that I get confused on where you stand on some hard core Biblical issues. Thanks for never quitting!
Reality of this life is that all that matters is Jesus.
Noone else will love unconditionally, though some may try.
Jesus the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Sometimes love hurts. Loss of love is devastating.
One day at a time … One moment at a time …
sometimes one breath at a time we press on.
Keep pressing on ms Beth. Hugging you in my prayers.
God bless you as you continue to be a blessing to others.
Love in Christ.
Beth, I have grown exponentially in my walk with the Lord thru a few of your written bible studies.. For which I am so very thankful. I’ve been turned upside down in the past year as a spectator witha front row seat to some of my favorite bible teaching preachers via social media.. And I’ve been waiting for someone to have the balls to quit skirting around blatant issues flooding our world. Today, I feel as though you have done this once again. This post doesnt feel intimate or vulnerable, it reads and feels as if you are not really saying anything. One of my favorite Beth Moore takeaways was regarding our influence and how nothing should be taken more soberly then our influence. We all have a platform of some sort and a circle of influence, as someone struggling as well, I would like you to be more transparent about some of these issues.. we are the hands and feet and many are watching. The silence of so many high profile Teachers and preachers is deafening. I honestly am grieved deeply that so few take a stand.. I have taken a stand and lost several of my best friends, and my church family, but I knew my silence was not what God wanted and I refuse to be a “Jonah” running the other way. We are called to do hard things , to speak hard things. Im saddened that so few take a clear stand where sin is concerned. I am begging and pleading with God constantly to teach me how to love others better. How to meet folks where they are? how to be light and hope. I too am a wretched sinner, some days the worst. I have waited and prayed and hoped that you would address hard things that are happening, the violence and hatred happening I hear you loud and clear. You speak directly to those things that ought never be tolerated in no uncertain terms. It is clear where you stand. I watched, listened and prayed as you delivered a message during Passion, it seemed you hesitantly hinted at things I believe need to be directly spoken of. I think of Nathan speaking to david and saying “you are the man.” Beth, are you the woman? aren’t we all as Christ followers called to speak the truth with love and grace even when its hard? I honestly struggle with the silence of so many… the obvious fear of so many others going public on social media.. I don’t know that I would call what I am having an identity crisis, it feels like a reveal of real identities of which are not fully commited to Christs ways… Please use your God given platform and speak hard things… I pray you can receive my words as they are intended.. Pam
Thank you for your honesty. Your ministry has been and continues to be a great encouragement to me! 🙂
I have been heart broken as some of my friends and other believers I trusted have attacked you. Calling you a heretic and saying you should not be teaching men. (If that’s the case, there’s a lot of names to add to that – Kay Arthur, Sheila Walsh, Joyce Meyer, on and on, ad infinitum. My bible keeps telling me that those who name Christ Jesus as their Lord and Savior will always be on safe ground. None of us is right all the time because we’re all human but I don’t know anybody that has been a greater blessing in this day than you have and are. And remember, it has not been too long ago, just weeks, that you warned us that some of our brothers and sisters would turn on us. I guess we just didn’t expect it so soon. But things are moving fast. I love you and can’t wait to meet you and hug you! It will likely be in our Forever Home.
The same crowd who hailed the King Jesus, yelled for him to be crucified by the week’s end. People are fickle and God does not change, Hallelujah. Stay as humble as you are and your beautiful brokenness will be the megaphone that reaches the hearts that need to hear what God will say through His vessel beautiful Beth. I’ve never met you personally but you are kin and I’m blessed by how God uses you sister. Thank you for your ministry.
Confession: I check Twitter every single day to see if you’ll say something that helps me make sense of what I’ve been wrestling with so that I’ll know I’m not losing my mind. Why in this age of incredible opportunity and explosion of biblical literacy are we watching everything in the church that once felt firm crumble? It’s unsettling. What will we have when the dust settles? How will we know we’re on the right side? These are the questions I want to ask yet I don’t know if any human has the answers. I guess I’ll just keep asking Jesus and trying my best to follow HIM and him alone.
I needed this today. I didn’t know I needed it until I read it. Thank you
i can so relate to much of what you said. a few months before my son was going in for brain surgery, i lost a big group of friends. they were my support for years and i realize now that God had wonderful reasons for allowing this to happen, but at the time it was devastating! thank you for always being so honest and for sharing things that God has lead you so that we can benefit from your wisdom.
I know exactly what you are going through. I will be praying for you as you go through this season, but pray you come out stronger and more on fire for Truth and for eyes to open to the Truth and not be afraid of the workings of the Holy Spirit. Grace and Peace to you!
This resonated deep within my soul. I, too, had an earthquake moment in my life. It came from a source that I trusted completely and was unidentifiable to me during the time it was occurring. It caused my world, as I knew it, to crumble. It made relationships I had built to be scrutinized and sadly some ended after forgiveness. Now, I’m thankful my eyes were opened and I can see clearly, but it hurts to know that everything you believed in was a mirage.
Beth, I have followed your ministry for over ten yrs now and have been so blessed by your teachings and something just resonates with me when I take in a LPL event. I have visited with you briefly twice and considered it a real joy to do so.
I want you to know this.. Somehow I can no longer tweet to you and I miss that it drives me crazy but I still follow you on Twitter and pray for you daily.
Listen, I know you love people and it breaks your heart to have someone not like you. You are a sensitive caring person and though it hurts you to have others not follow you any more or say nasty things, well, it is a part of life and hard as it is that is just it.
I hope to join you on your cruise come Aug and will probably not do SSMT this year then.
Please know you are loved and that some of us don’t hold you to unrealistic expectations.
You are just serving the Lord best way you know how and many are blessed by your ministry.
Some of what you are experiencing is the right of passage with age which I know you hate to hear but we come to grips with our age as time goes on. we wonder if we need to reinvent our selves to stay relevant,
I miss tweeting you on a regular basis but I have alot of crisis in my life right now dealing with a son who had a massive stroke who may not survive another year, dealing with child care I fine increasingly difficult to do feeling the press to do other things before I get too old.
Love you dear sister in the Lord and jus tkeep pressing on.
Hugs and much love,
Betty
Hi Beth,
I cannot believe that I am about to give one of the most beloved Christian authors of all time a book suggestion, but here goes! I’m only about three-quarters of the way through this so far, but I swear, it’s changing EVERYTHING for me. I’ve called myself a Christian for nearly all of my 30 years, but from now on, because of this book, I think I’ll start just calling myself a follower of Jesus.
The book is “Speaking of Jesus: The Art of Not-Evangelism” by Carl Medearis. It’s a quick but powerful read. I hope it’s a breath of fresh air for you, like it was for me!
Beth. I am experiencing a similar thing…and I appreciate you writing about this. I respect you greatly. It is painful to be in the middle of the threshing floor with a familiar community and watch how things get sifted out. I always want to do the obedient thing, even if that means I am alienated…and I see that trait in you. Recently I have found myself reading through the book of Jeremiah…and as sad as that story is, it has brought me much encouragement to stand for truth. May the Lord bless and keep you in this time of sifting.
Beth, You are loved by the ONE who matters most. Have gone through something similar and came out of it understanding more of how much God loves us. The journey here on earth is temporary (hallelujah!) I’m thankful for your example and testimony. Keep walking, one step at a time…eyes opened wide. Praying for you.
This is the season of life I am going threw. I have ask why do I feel so lonely, or made statements after speaking with someone I have known for years ” that was like talking to a total stranger”, feeling displaced in area’so of life. In all to find out God wants us to trust him, know him, rely on him.A relationship takes work.
Thank you for sharing. For the past 2 plus years things have been happening in my (God’s) church, which I will not share here, that has made me question many things. It has kind of rocked my world you could say. Still questioning to this day and wondering where I really fit in or should I say who or what group I fit in with. Thank you for being my mentor when others failed. Just finished the Entrusted online study. Started it late so now it is time for the homework.
Thank you for this post. I agree. This is how I feel too. Praying for you.
Thank you so much for sharing Mama Beth! It’s so refreshing to hear such honesty…it’s so easy to see people in the spotlight and assume their life is perfect and they don’t struggle. I so appreciate you and your proclamation of the truth…and your example to use it for His glory. No pain wasted on you! Praying for you!
I love your heart! I’ve been in a major identity crisis myself. I’ve witnessed things this past year that I still can’t honestly comprehend by trying to be one who was open enough to desire to understand what has been driving people who have been claiming this whole alt-right movement. And while I’m still not comfortable to explain what I discovered, mostly for the fear that I could inadvertently drive any reasonable person down that path, I feel complicit because I haven’t spoken out against it. What I found is not just blatant racism, they are actually using that as a cover. They are dealing with witchcraft, and in my desire to understand them politically I was nearly deceived into believing something completely unbelievable, and it involved God’s word. I nearly went insane, literally, and it revolved around the fact that I believed a lie, then I realized the truth and I thought I had committed an unforgivable sin and I was extremely close to suicidal while believing this. It is something I pray never happens to another person, and ever since the day I repented and made a vow to never go back down that rabbit hole I have struggled with revealing these insane tricks these people are using to influence others.
Whoo!!!!! Prophesy girl! Your post brought tears to my eyes. Call it out. You are not alone. Thank you for your post. I am going to pray for you Traci that God will continue to heal and encourage you and that you would step into the anointing God has on your life.
I’m praying for you. Jesus first and last-absolutely love your resolve! When we’re alone with Him, one-to-one, our earthly lives are overshadowed by His call, huh? Love you Beth!
I love that you share your heart-you always have. I think it’s a valuable lesson for all to know that God is continually teaching us-humbling us-reminding us to keep our eyes on Him. These experiences lead us to what matters most-and that’s God! You, sharing your struggles, reminds us all that the enemy can wreak havoc in any believer’s lives-that we need to be alert and stand steadfast on God’s word and claim his promises daily. Thank you sweet sister in Christ for sharing! Continued prayer for you and your ministry!
Beth, I think I hear you. I really do! I too have had a….spiritual revelation or awakening of sort. It’s still happening…like I’m waking up, yet thought I already was awake! I have told people that I feel like I put God in a box, never realizing it! And He has knocked the box walls down! It can be thrilling, bothersome at times, frustrating, and yet…it’s like I see! I really see! I have so much to experience, my inheritance!! Oh my gosh! I am just realizing all I inherited from my new birth! So much more than eternal salvation! Acts 2 thru Revelation 3, equip me for living daily, THIS side of heaven!
I’ve seen some believers, friends, look at me wondering, what’s happening. It stings when a believer looks at me with trepidation. One suddenly got up and walked out. I was SO confused. I get the unbeliever perceiving me like that, but I’m grieved seeing that look in another believers eyes. But God is walking securely thru those uncomfortable moments. I go back to the Word, He reveals, the Word leaps off the page! I press on, with joy!
So Beth, like I said, I think I get it. He has awakened me to the adventure He has wanted me to have all along! Holy. Set apart. I am getting it! Finally! The box is wide open! Love you…Becki L.
I hear you…I’ve recently written a memoir, it started as a simple story I wanted to tell, of one event in my small simple little life; next to this huge but small planet.
It ended up being a story of identity. A realization that I can not bind my identity to constant shifting things around me. Not bound to man or circumstances; but to only be bound to Christ. The never changing God.
Beth I quote you quite a bit in my book, and I hope to send you my manuscript so you can see how God uses you in so many ways.
Push on sister to find the truth and identity you seek…it’s already there, it has always been. Stay true to you; the Jesus follower.
I agree 100%…we are not meant to fit here, but to fit in a place we have yet to be.
Thank you for your ministry and open display of love toward Jesus.