I just spent the past ten weeks immersed in a group of high school girls as we studied the book, So Long, Insecurity together. It was a really sweet (and slightly exhausting, in the best way possible) ten weeks. Among other issues, I bet you could take one guess into a major theme we discussed week in and week out. Dating. Are you shocked? If you are, you might need to get some young girls around you for an hour so you can hear it for yourself. The topic of boys is a popular one. It will get any girl talking. In fact, we spent one entire week hearing all about boys from one wiser, older man and the girls were on pins and needles the entire hour and a half.
To lead a small group and to get girls talking means being authentic and sharing your own struggles and hurts, so inevitably, the girls asked me every question in the book about dating and wanted to hear all about my love life.
Questions like, Are you dating anyone? and Are there any prospective guys in your life? swirled around. While part of me would have loved to have testified about the amazing man the Lord had provided for me, I answered with a simple, Nope!
Because we were all getting to know each other and because they assumed I lived a chick flick kind of love life, I went ahead and told them a bit of my story which included that I’d never “officially” dated anybody nor had I ever had a boyfriend. To be honest, they are always slack-jawed. At 14, you still believe you’ll meet the man of your dreams in college, have 2.5 children and live in a house with a white picket fence, so to meet someone with a different story is slightly shocking.
More often than not, I’m able to encourage the girls when they think their life has gone to shreds because they either don’t have a boyfriend, or they’ve just been broken up with. I never want to dismiss their feelings, but I also want them to know that life is so much more than the boy next door. Plus, the fact that I’m living, breathing and thriving in life gives them a peace that they too will be okay even if it stinks at that moment. And that in all circumstances, God is still good, not because of what He does, but because of who He is. If that’s not a testimony for teenage girls, I’m not sure what is.
One interesting question that arose was, Is your lack of relationship/no boyfriend due to choice or due to just never feeling like it was’time? (They assumed it was due to a choice.) In other words, had I rejected a lot?
Have I rejected a lot? I’ve rejected none.
Let me just say that if I stopped right there, and took a good look at my dating circumstances, I could get so depressed. What girl doesn’t want to be pursued? Asked on a date? Taken to a fancy restaurant? Hugged (or kissed, yes kissed) goodnight? It’s every girls dream to be swept away by her prince charming. Every. Single. Girl. Whether they admit it or not.
Let me also set the record straight that I’m not against dating whatsoever. I didn’t make some rule for myself when I was 10 that I wouldn’t date until I was 27. Nor did I make a rule that I wouldn’t date anybody except my husband. It’s just turned out that way. When people ask if I’ve ever been interested in anybody, I want to laugh. If you’ve been around me more than one hour, you probably know I’ve had multiple crushes at multiple times. I’m a girl. I like boys. Enough said.
However, the truth of the matter is, it just hasn’t happened for me. Am I depressed about that? Well, no. Yes, I’m sure the Lord’s holding a bottle of boy cried tears, and lonely tears here and there, but it doesn’t keep me down and out in the mornings. Do I know why it hasn’t happened? If I did, I could maybe tell you why the sky was blue, too.
What’s more clear to me now more than ever is that the Lord, for a reason only He knows, has guarded my heart and emotions from any romantic relationship. From my perspective, they’re just not interested in me. (That was really weird for me to type, but let me help you understand a little further why I say that.)
For instance, in the past year or so about three different people have tried to set me up with one of their single friends. Listen, I’m not against blind dates, nor am I against being set up. It’s been people that I trust and know and they know me, so why not? I’ve learned that sometimes your friends know more what you need than you do. Most times I knew information had been exchanged, as I would wait for that potentially awkward phone call and two times, the set-ups even landed me a date. But what came of it? Nothing.
If I said I wasn’t a little disappointed after that I’d be lying. Of course I was a tad upset, I’m human and I’m a girl. But it didn’t break me. The last thing I want to do is run some guy ragged myself just so he’ll ask me on a date. No ma’am.
Do you see the pattern? They’re just not interested.
I don’t tell you this to gain any sympathy or to even have a pity party. I’m so over pity parties. (Until my next one creeps up on me!) What I do want you to know is that those boys not pursuing me is not a reflection of me whatsoever. It’s not because I’m fat, or ugly, or don’t dress cute enough, or am not outgoing enough, or am not godly enough, or whatever reason we girls can come up with. I truly believe it is the Lord protecting my heart.
Although it could be easily labeled as rejection, it’s simply the Lord’s protection. At least that’s how I’ve seen it.
I don’t know why He’s chosen to protect my heart for so long. I do know that it’s His grace in my life. I do know He alone has spared me from many broken hearts. I do know that He is building in me something beautiful. I do know that He is sanctifying me through and through and molding me into the woman I am to be one day to my future husband. However future that may be. I do know that marriage is a legitimate desire of my heart that I believe He’s placed there and that He will be faithful.
I might not be able to testify to the girls about the amazing man the Lord had blessed me with, but I am able to testify about His faithfulness despite my circumstances. He is good.
I know that I have rejected not one date, nor has the Lord ever rejected my heart, my desires, or me. And He won’t reject yours, either.
Lindsee…we must be the same person! Such a sweet and timely post. Thanks for putting so articulately into words what I cannot. You’re a blessing to me!
What a wonderful post! I am 39 years years old, never married, and I am content. That is a good place to be!
Lindsee,
At some point I would love to tell you how God has used you in my life. I don’t know you, have only read a few of your entries, and follow you on twitter, but your influence has been huge in my life. Thank you for your transparency and for giving your heart to those girls. May your story ring in their young hearts for years!
This felt like reading my own story. I stand in complete agreement with this: “I have rejected not one date, nor has the Lord ever rejected my heart, my desires, or me.”
Thanks for the encouraging reminder of truth!
Great post, Lindsee.
I’ll be 43 this month, never married, and never really dated. I admit that in my case, one reason was that I was so damaged, I was generally defensive and did keep most people at a distance.
God has been doing much work in me and teaching me to be secure in him and how to set healthy boundaries.
It is hard sometimes. I do home God has someone in store for me. But for now, I just try to focus on God and seeking Him with all my heart.
Michelle,
I am standing in belief that He has someone AMAZING for you!
Kimberly
Thank you Kimberly! 🙂
YOU my dear are a treasure. I loved every single word you wrote. Every single word. I will be saving this for my daughters to read.
xoxo
Allison
Thanks for sharing this! What an encouragement to young women! My husband was my first kiss, boyfriend, love… didn’t plan it that way, would have love to date earlier, but what a huge blessing looking back. You rock, siesta friend!
What a timely post. I needed to “hear” this. I like you have never really dated or had a boyfriend either.
Thanks, Lindsee. Love this post. I’m so glad you could share like that with the young women. I can relate to your story so much, except I am 12 years older than you. I dated just a tiny bit in high school and had one very long term relationship that was supposed to end in marriage and the Lord rescued me from it just in His perfect timing before it was too late. Now, 18 years after that, I’ve done eHarmony and gone out on a couple dates, but really nothing. I keep reminding the Lord that I’ve “always known I wanted to be a wife and mother” and “you know, next year, I’ll be 40” (as if the one that designed and formed me in my mother’s womb doesn’t know!!! Yet, you are right. He is protecting me. In part (due to some things I needed healing from), He’s protected me from myself. If I had gotten married to anyone years ago, it would have been difficult if not toxic because I had a lot of things to work through. I know the Lord has my best in mind and He is enough. I struggle with loneliness too, especially because I have health issues that greatly limit my social life with friends and church activities, which is hard.
But He is enough. Like you said. And even if your bridegroom and my bridegroom never comes, Jesus is our Groom. And He will never fail us. That brings me such peace.
Thanks again for sharing. You are a blessing. 🙂
Oh, Lindsee, how beautifully written. I am a widow for over four years now. I miss my husband, lover, and best friend, but I can honestly say that God has filled every void that my husband left. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed by that fact. His grace just pours over me. He has given me peace and protection and provision and purpose. Praise Him!
As a young woman I didn’t allow him to do that for me and eventually it brought heartache. I pray that young women of today can grasp the fact that God can be all for us, and we don’t have to go after that boy or that man. If it is what God has for us, we can trust him to bring it to us in his way and in his time. We do not have to manipulate or flirt or even bring attention to ourselves in any way. We can just trust God, who does all things well.
Dolly, I so agree with everything you have said!
Lindsee, I feel like you just wrote my own story … but much better than I could! I am in much of the same position & I love the way you put it … “The Lord is protecting my heart.” Thank you for your wisdom & words! Truly encouraging.
Hey sweet Lindsee!
I will turn 28 tomorrow and could have written the exact same story girl. The Lord alone knows why, but I am more than okay and I do my best to encourage other girls that they will be okay too! I LOVE my life as it is now and see that there is so much I would have missed out on if I had already been married or even dating as so many of my friends are.
Thank you for having the courage to write this and be honest about it! I sometimes find myself skirting truthful answers to these questions because the responses often make me feel like a troll. 😛
But it is the Lord who controls these things, the Lord in whom I find my identity, the Lord who pursues me, faithfully and perfectly every day and if those things are always true, then a few awkward questions and goofy looks are surely nothing to shy away from.
Much love to you sister.
Jen
Way to go! Waiting on the Lord has protected you and given you peace as well! I made many dating mistakes and each time a piece of my heart was taken that takes time to mend. You’ve got a fanastic perspective on dating and waiting on the Lord’s timing.
I can completely see why you are on staff at LP. What an example and encouragement you are. God bless you!
Lindsee, I love your honesty in this post AND in leading these sweet girls.
I’m 41 and have never “dated” anyone either. I don’t think i’m freakishly ugly or weird or socially awkward. Just not God’s plan.
I headed off to college assuming I would meet the man of my dreams and have my wedding a week after graduation. Now my peers are sending their own kids to college this year. WEIRD!
At times I FEEL abandoned by the Lord but KNOW that’s not true. Community of others and honesty before the Lord have been my lifeline. His truth is the Truth.
Just you sharing your story with these girls will have a huge impact. I work with college students and they are always shocked when I tell them the same thing. We all have a story.
Thank you for your faithfulness to your ministry and to the Lord!
I’m still hoping and dreaming and praying…. yet I am content to rest in God’s plan.
Lindsee, This.Was.An.Amazing.Post!!!! This post transcends the subject matter and moves ALL of us to begin seeing our circumstances as something that is straight from the heart and hand of our Sovereign, loving, all wise God who is doing a GOOD thing. (P.S. I’ve been married 29.5 years 🙂 and I REALLY wish someone had written a post like this before I met my husband. I’m not sure but the waiting might have been a different experience…’course 29.5 + years ago I would not have been able to read it, because computers were huge things housed in huge rooms and you had to wait hours to get time on them at the university…but I digress…) Thanks for this post Lindsee. Bless you…you aren’t waiting, you are LIVING and that’s a great thing. Glory to our Father!!!
Beautiful.
Thank you, Lindsee, for sharing your story. It means so much to me to read. I’m on a similar path to yours and it’s good to hear someone else believing that God knows what he’s doing protecting our hearts. So much of this is what I’ve ached to say but hadn’t been able to find the words. Thanks for the encouragement. This is a story I’ll be coming back to.
I am sitting here just, sobbing. My story is exactly the same, minus a few years. Today as I was driving, I just felt…lonely. Unloved. Unlovable. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you for being couragous enough to post this. Bless you.
Hannah
Hannah,
You are a treasure! You are not alone, you are perfectly loved by your heavenly Father and you are most certainly lovable! I love you, my sister in Christ!
May God touch your precious heart tonight and show you how precious you are to Him!!
Love,
Michele
Michele, I did not get this until this morning, but I wanted to thank you for your sweet words. I will not be so bold as to say my heart is completely satisfied, but the overwhelming feeling of rejection from yesterday has passed. Bless you sister.
Hannah
Lindsee,
Thank you for this post and for being honest and transparent. I needed to hear it today. I’m 34 and you could be talking about me. I love that you specifically said that …it’s “not a reflection of me whatsoever”. That’s a reminder I needed to hear because when you don’t know anyone with the same story and most everyone you know is married, you can begin to think that maybe there is something wrong with you. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Also, thank you for giving me a new perspective on my own circumstances – the Lord is protecting my heart. Thanks again and may God bless you and your work with these young girls.
While God has given me a wonderful man to share my life with, I have had to have the Lord help me heal a broken heart. I am so thankful for the man God has given me, but loved reading your story. I will share this link with my teenage nieces.
Blessings!
Wow! is all I can say for this moment….your lack of pride or self defense, is in itself, a testimony to His grace within you!
I will not insult you nor put you on a pedestal for I know the natural human struggles have had to have been faced by you. That’s why this is a testimony to HIS grace.
I was reading of his refining in our lives this morning. It’s unique in the form it takes in each of our lives. We look for healing but it’s often those unique places He has taken us to with Himself, that He chooses to use. Not our talents but our surrender and willingness to trust Him no matter the terrain He has led us through.
May He keep your heart, may He increase your ear to hear, may He establish your feet to be strengthened by His hand!
He has used the death of your own dreams to inspire and ignite the hearts of others,
Love to you ,
Beth
Lindsee, Lindsee, Lindsee. I just HAD to comment to tell you Jesus is so beautiful on you, sister. Every stinkin’ word you wrote is truth. I learned so many of the lessons you wrote about, but (in my case) I learned them the HARD way – after the broken hearts, desperation, and shattered self-esteem. But even THAT- God redeemed for His glory (isn’t He good?). As a mom of two small girls, I’m always praying they see themselves the way God sees them/the way God sees you/the way (I now know) God sees me. I don’t want them to have to learn the hard way. Heck, I don’t want ANY girl to learn the hard way. So I’m praising and thanking the Lord that He showed you solid, no-joke truth like this under the umbrella of His protection (AND that He’s using you in the lives of young girls). He loves you so.
Lindsee,
Thank you for the post. I am the oldest of three. My sister (who is the baby) has been married for four years and about to make me an aunt(yay!) and my brother is currently in a serious relationship. I on the other hand have not dated in 6 years- I too have not rejected anyone. My family often thinks I am crazy because I am not married. You put into words what I have been trying to say. I was engaged in high school and it would have been a terrible mistake. I am thankful for God’s protection in ending that relationship and I am thankful in His protection in the years that have followed. There was much healing and learning that needed to happen. There has also been much opportunity to be used by God in during this season.
Thank you so much for the encouragement.
Lindsee, I appreciate your comments. I’m 57, have been divorced for 24 years and have 2 adult children that are married and have children of their own. It’s really sad that my 5 year old granddaughter is asking me why I’m not married? This is the same question I’ve been asked for years by so many people and I’ve never been able to answer it. I dated for awhile when I was newly divorced, but nothing ever stuck. I would welcome a relationship with a Godly man, however it just hasn’t happened. I’m not really sad about being alone for all these years since my life is full and I have the love of the Lord and my family. However, it does make me sad that so many seem to be concerned about me and the fact that I’m not married. I will never stop hoping that God has someone in mind for me and I will joyfully praise Him when He chooses the time to reveal this person to me. Never give up hope…..I haven’t.
AMEN! I’ve felt exactly the same way, Lindsee. I just turned 49 and still waiting for God to bring the right man in my life. People are always asking me how I’ve stayed single so long. The Lord recently reminded me that I began praying as a teenager that He would keep me for the man who would one day be my husband and that He would turn me into the woman my husband would need. So the Lord has been answering my prayers by keeping me “hidden away” from men until the right time.
Thank you Lindsee. Like one of the other responders, I’m also 41 and still waiting. But I’m waiting happily and determined to enjoy this ride that God has me on. I can count on one hand the number of dates I’ve been on. Even though I thought I would get married at one point, he dumped me… and God comforted me I saw God’s protection all over it. A beloved friend of mine told me this: Man’s rejection is God’s protection AND redirection.
God has taught me so much since then, through the ups and downs. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is the power of feeling wanted. If I walk through life feeling unwanted, believing I am not want-able, I am opening myself up to people God does NOT want for me. They will say or do just enough to make me feel wanted, and in my ignorant delight I may forget everything else. I MUST be sure of being wanted by God. Being chosen. Being loved, desired, made complete. If I spend enough time with Him to know this, I can stand firm when that worldly wanting comes to call.
Every gal, tween, teen, collegian, and woman should read your words:
“What I do want you to know is that those boys not pursuing me is not a reflection of me whatsoever. It’s not because I’m fat, or ugly, or don’t dress cute enough, or am not outgoing enough, or am not godly enough, or whatever reason we girls can come up with. I truly believe it is the Lord protecting my heart. Although it could be easily labeled as rejection, it’s simply the Lord’s protection. At least that’s how I’ve seen it. I don’t know why He’s chosen to protect my heart for so long. I do know that it’s His grace in my life. I do know He alone has spared me from many broken hearts. I do know that He is building in me something beautiful.”
And if God had not been working in your life in just the way He has been, you would not have this testimony to share. One I feel sure while be a blessing to many!
I’m going to be leading Beth’s Breaking Free and then Lisa Harper’s Malachi this fall, and plan to use your words as an example of how reframing things in God’s terms can really change a potential stronghold!
Bless you!
Dear precious Lindsee,
Do you know how proud the Lord is of you right now??? Your vulnerability is not taken for granted. I am POSITIVE your words touched & changed many young women at the bible study. Your perspective is spot on!! All to say I was 21 when I met my now husband. I had never been asked out or dated anyone prior. I had to even ask a guy to my homecoming, but I know He saved him only for me. A man of great faith 🙂 Your are so loved xoxoxoxoxo
Well said Lindsee. I think that girls today really need to hear what you just said. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Beautiful! I wish there were more role models like you. I’m the grandmother of five beautiful grands (2 boys and 3 girls). The oldest is a teen ager and the others are not far behind. In this world we live in, I am more concerned about them and relationships with the opposite sex than I ever was for my children. I pray that God will protect their hearts until He is ready for the one He has chosen for them to enter their lives.
GOD BLESS YOU!! What a beautiful testimony!! I hope every girl on the planet hears this and I’m directing all the single girls I know to read this as fast as I can. My precious, beautiful, college-aged daughters need to be reminded of this. Thank you for sharing!!!!
I love you, my hand-washing Lindsee. You are an amazing woman of God who sets an awesome example of faith and trust to women/girls everywhere, married or single.
I can’t wait to see what God does in your life.
-Robyn
Thank you so much for sharing that. Absolutely precious!! God Bless You!
Lindsee –
You go girl! And YOU GO, GOD!!!
This post is rocksolidawesome. May the girls be blessed and find their indentity 110% in HIM. Circumstance and dating/nondating proof they will be!!!
13.5 years into my rollercoaster marriage and really only recently (and by the Lord’s gentle hand) learning how to be the wife He intended for my husband. YOU ARE BEING SHAPED NOW.
Praising God for His protection over you, Siesta! Your man will be so stinkin’ happy. 🙂
“And that in all circumstances, God is still good, not because of what He does, but because of who He is. If that’s not a testimony for teenage girls, I’m not sure what is.”
And a testimony to middle aged girls too!
Beautiful Lindsee.
Hey Lindsee. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with these girls….and with us! I just spent about 20 minutes responding to this and something happened and it disappeared. So let me just say, hang in there girlfriend! Your wait will be totally worth it! I was 35 when I got married and my husband and I have been married for 19 years and have two beautiful children. You bring such a fresh perspective to your situation and I love that for you! Be patient my sweet friend, God’s timing is perfect.
Ok, so I’m sitting at my cubicle at work with tears in my eyes. This is exactly my life- I’m 26 now and have the exact feelings/situation as you do (along with other girls who responded too). I do have to remind myself that there isn’t anything wrong with me, but even the days when I do feel discouraged, God’s voice is so much louder than my circumstances- He tells us that we are set apart, loved, cherished, and so protected by Him. I think this is a very sweet place to be in (maybe not so much on a lonely Friday night, haha), but I think that when we get to the other side of all of this, we will look back and see how gracious God has been to us and how sweet our time with Him (just us) was. So encouraged reading this today…exactly what I needed to hear 🙂
Lindsee…
Great testimony. Mine has similar threads. The Lord is good and those girls definitely need to hear your perspective and story. They’ll listen to you so much more than a lot of others in their lives at this age.
May the Lord continue to give you His abundant grace for each day of your life and ministry, no matter what it holds.
Blessings,
Corrie
Lindsee, I hope God makes your path cross with my son’s sometime. I’d love to have you for a daughter-in-law. 🙂
Blessings to you,
Mary Jane
No pity party from me, just utter respect and celebrating your attitude!
Beautiful, sweet, sincere post – thank you.
Lindsee, What a great testimony! I too understand what you are going through and I am a couple of months shy of my 42 nd birthday. I don’t understand what God is doing but I do know that He loves me and only has my best interest at heart. So I will cling to Him like He is prince charming because He is indeed the Prince of Peace. For my fortieth birthday year I wrote a blog called SWF: Single White Female Surviving with Faith that was about how God was using my singleness on a weekly basis. Sure learned a lot about my sweet Jesus. It was such a precious time for me and Him. I still have a desire for a godly husband but I will continue to pursue a love relationship with Jesus in the meantime since He won’t forsake me. In fact, I have come to a place where I am content in this space. Thanks to Jesus! He’s the best! Love you and how genuine you are. I know that God is using you mightily. XO Lynda
My story was so the same, but in God’s sweet time He brought the most amazing man into my life…. 10 years and 4 children later I am realizing the truths that you even now are embracing….those lonely years through college and my 20’s were God’s protection over me, not a statement about my worth. Actually, they were a statement about my worth, but not the lack of worth that I thought they were. They were a statement of the great worth I have in my Father’s eyes. Praise Him! Praying for you today, that God would fulfill your desires in a most glorious way.
Lindsee! I can so relate to your story. I met my husband when I was 25 and he was my first real boyfriend. It was hard to be the girl who showed up alone to all functions, it was hard when my sweet nephew declared I was never getting married. You are right, there is such blessing in having a heart that has only loved my husband. He knows he is number one. In hindsight I realize that 25 is pretty young, but in a culture where it seems like everyone is dating it feels like 100 years. I also look back at the time I had for friends and family and I am incredibly grateful.
I loved this post!! Thank you so much!! Here is abit of my story:
I fell in love for the first time a year and a half ago and it lasted a very short amount of time. I still feel like I’m waiting for my first kiss and my first real date, even though i’ve experienced both….The guy pushed me for more than I was willing to give and when I said no, he walked away. I was 26 and thought he was the one, so I was devastated when he walked away. I went through a very painful period in my life and I met Jesus like I’d never known Him before. He was the sweetest thing ever, still is.I’d been a Christian since I was 3 and I have always been a pretty conservative person, so this whole experience was a surprise to me, but when Jesus came swooping in rescuing me, I fell in love with Him like never before and I’ve never been the same since.
All that to say, I know that He protected me all my life before then, He rescued me from the wrong relationship for me in a timely manner and He is protecting me now. I have my days where I want the right guy now, but I’m so glad there isn’t a (wrong) guy in my life to confuse me. I’ve come to the place where I am so grateful for the Lord’s protection. I have had a broken heart, but I’ve also had it healed and on days where it still hurts I know He is still healing me. And I am happy to hide in His protection. Thank you again for your post, I can def relate, despite my breakup!! Keep letting Him protect you. It’s worth it.
Wow, Lindsee What a blessing you are!
I never dated in high school, but afterward I dated a guy for a while just was not the one God had for me to marry. A few years later my mother died of cancer and I stayed home to take care of my dad. At age 29 I decided it was time to leave home and felt that was what God wanted. I joined the army and prayed for God to send me a husband and office job, if it was His will.
I met my Christian husband in Germany and we later had twin boys. It doesn’t matter how old you are God can do anything…God wants to give you the desires of your heart, so keep praying and following Him!
The timing of this post could not have been better for me. Since on eof my ocusin’s got married and another engaged a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been throwing myself an extended pity party over still being single and not having dated since high school (11 years ago). Lindsee, your words were encouragement I needed to hear today. Thanks.
Lindsee, this is my favorite post that you have written. I am 34 and single and could relate to you so much. I thank the Lord that you are leading those high school girls; they need to hear what you are telling them. And I applaud you for your honesty and your attitude. What a great example to them. In this generation, there seem to be many single Christian women who are fabulous and all “catches”. People ask me all the time why I’m not married yet–as if I have chosen to not do so–and I want to tell them to ask the Lord. I don’t mean that in a smart aleck way, but I honestly believe my life is in His hands.
Be encouraged, sister!
Thank you for sharing. My daughter is 23 and has had a very similar history with boys as you have described having. I know the Lord has someone or something special for her. And I believe the same thing for you. I envy you going into marriage with a blank slate. I went into marriage with so much ugly baggage and shame. I believe so many girls are selling them self short. And I do believe it effects your marriage.