You guys on our Scripture memory team were ON IT yesterday and I am so proud of you! I tried to wait up last night until I’d brought in 2000 comments but I was about 45 short when I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. In fact, picture your Siesta Mama in bed, head propped up on a pillow, dozing off over and over again with her fingers on the key board of her laptop. (I’d have never gotten away with that if my man had been home but, alas, he was not.) I finally shut it down and gave way to my dreams. Those of you on our Scripture memory team who didn’t get a chance to sign in and record your verses, be sure to return to yesterday’s first post and do so.
As for the rest of us, I hope we will have a very interesting topic today. Most of you will remember that I did a survey on insecurity several months ago. You responded by the droves and brought insight no amount of book research (beyond the Word) could have rivaled. God has stayed on me about the topic and I have a pretty good idea that He’s got something up His holy sleeve but I don’t want to make forecasts. I just want to keep taking the next step with His lead. This is the next step. I told you at that time that I’d probably look to you for more insight on the topic down the road and we’re officially down the road. I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last you’ll hear on this blog about it either.
So here’s the premise followed by the question. I believe insecurity has the capacity to make a fool out of a woman like maybe nothing else on the planet (except the devil, of course). This is especially true in relationships but it also rears its head in our work lives and our serving lives. My bottom line is that we better deal with this issue or these are the kinds of things it makes us do. If insecurity has never made a fool of you, then please don’t comment on this post, but if it has, let us know in a paragraph exactly HOW. Some ground rules:
*Make all comments ANONYMOUS so that I can freely use the information and quote it. If you don’t want to take the chance of being quoted or your story being told (on video or in print or at a speaking engagement), please kindly refrain from commenting. Keep in mind that I am blatantly asking for your examples for the expressed purpose of sharing them to help others.
*Think back all the way to middle school or high school or college or maybe think back only to yesterday. The more varied the examples, the better.
*I’m hoping for everything from serious examples of how insecurity can make a fool of a person to hilarious ones so don’t feel like, if your best story is silly, that it doesn’t fit the post. You know me! I love silly!
Somewhere along the way I’m probably going to do a post for men only so we can get their insight on insecurity, so keep an eye out on that. I’ll need your help enlisting them at the time. We’ve done that before on a different topic and it was so intriguing. For now though, it’s women only on this topic.
OK, Siestas, fess up! Has insecurity ever made a fool of you?
I have been so insecure at times, I think my middle name is such. My insecurities have affected and effected my work and my marriage to the point I am close to losing both unless I don’t snap out of it. I have way overreacted and yes was called a fool due to what I thought I heard and would swear to what I heard and my insecurities finished the dreadful sentence to say “what do I think I am trying to do”, “who do I think I am anyway”. For examples: I have been put on extended probation at work due to my work product not meeting the level it should, even though I can do the job and have a degree in the field I am working in. I am close to finishing probation and have noticed that I started to sabotage things, feeling I can’t do the job again. In my home life, my husband and I are separated mainly because I held on to him too tightly squeezing everyone else out of his life so I could be the only one so I would feel secure in my place as number one. I started noticing that a coworker and I fed off of each other’s insecurities which is a deadly game. I can say today that thanks to the “Believing God” series, I am able to say – Let Go and Let God!! and each day I say the Pledge of Faith and I still wear my blue bracelet and my Believing God bracelet.
I have gone through my college friends’ trash and journals to see if they were talking about me. I was sure that they were all making fun of me behind my back because I wasn’t really good enough to be their friends and they probably only wanted me around so they could laugh at me….
How sad and foolish is that?
Has insecurity ever made a fool out of me? Maybe the question for me should be has it ever NOT made a fool out of me. I suppose the worst was when I allowed myself to be courted by our womanizing preacher. He plugged right into my desire to feel smart, competant, and attractive at a time when my husband was busy and away a lot for work. I asked too many questions, argued my viewpoint excessively and hung on his every word. Ironically, I was also really studying the scripture and eventually, the Lord freed me from that attraction before it progressed into a betrayal of my marriage. Other women at our church were not so lucky, which made me feel both grateful to God and incredibly embarrassed and humiliated that my insecurities were so easily fed by this womanizer.
One of my insecurities is wanting to be well liked … by anyone … by everyone (I currently have no “real life” friends and haven’t for a few years). I often find myself lowering my intelligence level by pretending not to know something or not to remember something when speaking to various people (such as at one of the natural foods markets where we shop). I don’t know why I do this. For some reason I feel I need to do it to be accepted and liked.
I grew up trying to win the approval of my parents. The critical relationship from my mother came with emotional, physical, and verbal abuse. I was so insecure all through high school and college. No one knew about our “explosions” at home – from the outside, everything appeared perfect. This became a disaster in college that led to mountains of sin, deep depression, drinking, sex, smoking – all in an effort to win the approval from anyone who would give me the “love” and “friendship” I wasso hungry for. When I graduated from college, someone introduced me to Breaking free. I am so grateful. Changed my life forever. I went through tons of counseling, actully had to break off the relationship with my poisonous family, and walking in victory eventually became a reality for me.
Close to 50 and still a haunting reality in every relationship I have to some extent. Why do we always try to be someone other than who we really are? Because we believe the lies Satan and the world tell us over the truth of who God says we are. What about looking the same, speaking the same and behaving the same somehow makes us more secure? Saftey in numbers? I don’t know, but I do know I’m NOT putting on a red hat and purple scarf when I do hit 50 just to feel more secure!!
Insecurity is a way of life for me. I am never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, etc. The list could go on and on. I truly believe that is all began when I was born with bi-lateral club feet. I spent the first 6 years of my life having surgeries, wearing casts, braces, and corrective shoes. Everyone was having a great time while I watched on the sidelines. I still cannot run to this day and I cannot wear any “cute” shoes. I always feel that people are staring at my feet. Most women can put their feet into anything from sandals to heels but not me. Tennis shoes or shoes that lace completely up are all that I care wear. Makes wearing dress chothes just as hard. First step of insecurity.
Second step was a controlling, mentally abusive first husband who kept me from having friends and going after my initial career dreams. I was never good enough.
All of my insecurity makes me a perfectionist in other areas of my life to the ultimate degree. I try to overcompensate for the insecurity which leaves me and others overwhelmed.
God is good and is working on this with me. Step by step.
My mother taught me not or that I couldn’t trust anyone and all I saw was false.
I felt like Carrie in the Stephen King movie, Carrie.
Everyone pretending to like me but really were just doing it to make fun of me behind my back and plotting to drop pig blood on me…you have to see the movie to understand the pig blood thing…just an example…It got to were it was almost paralyzing at times of wondering what or who to trust.
I hit rock bottom when dealing with painful things from the past, I actually began to believe God may be feeling like this too….There is no way God could really love me…and so it began….I was too insecure to even talk to God, pray, anything…except read my bible. How I loved my bible….I kept reading from a distance as I call it until I felt every page, every verse screaming out to me….Return to Me.
Insecurity is a terrible and dangerous thing the enemy uses to destroy with; tries to.
God is faithful and merciful and forgiving.
Return to Me and I will restore….
Oh praise Him!!!!!!
You might call me insecurity's number one role model…if it is out there, I can be insecure about it. I have been insecure all of my 64 years. Just when I think I have it conquered, up jumps the devil..so to speak. A few years ago, I became so involved in the church (not the one I attend now) because my marriage & homelife were so messed up. I was so focused on being involved in just about everything possible that I didn't see the devil "crouching at the door." I was put in positions with the preacher(that I trusted completely) that required us to work alone quite a bit and before long, he made his move. I was devastated to say the least and left the church feeling like such a fool…someone that should have seen it coming.
Oh, my! Where to begin? The biggest insecurity for me is my fear of playing the piano in front of others (at church, etc.) When I was in first grade, I was at a recital and made a minor mistake in my piece, one that no one even really noticed. But the teacher came up to me and told me I ruined the whole program and that I would never be any good at playing. So I now I’ve used that as a crutch to convince myself that I’m still not any good even though I have my family and other people tell me otherwise! This is something I’ve really struggled with in obedience to God. I know He wants me to share my musical gift, and I should focus on pleasing Him, but I let my nerves and fear of others’ disapproval get the best of me.
Another big thing for me is losing my virginity to a much older man when I was in high school. He was married with a family and I had a boyfriend and everything going pretty well. I was saved and going to church, pretty involved with youth group too, but somehow he convinced me that my parents, friends and boy friend, even God were all against me and that he loved me and we could run away together. I look back on it now and am horrified at some of the things we did, but know that God never gives up on me and loves me even when I do stupid things. I’ve begun to forgive myself and own up to what I did after years of suppressing it and trying to convince myself it didn’t really happen. God has been working in my life to heal my heart and draw me back close to Him. I’m regret all the time that I’ve lost with my Father, but am grateful for His grace and mercy. I need Him so much. I love You, Father!!!
Another thing, a little silly compared to these two…I do a weekly weigh-in for a weight loss program and even in wintertime I continue to wear shorts, even when it’s freezing, just so the scales don’t show a 1-2 lb gain! The funniest thing is that I am 8 lbs under my goal weight and have been since last summer. UGH! Some of the silly things we do. ;o)
Thank you, Beth for being such a wonderful mentor. God has used you to be such an encouragement in my life. I’m so grateful you answered God’s call. I want the same passion for Him that you have. I ask for it everyday. Love ya, Siesta Mama!
People have a hard time believing that I am insecure. But even at the age of almost 50, I still am so insecure at times it hurts. I have come so far from where I was as a teen/young adult, but from time time it just grabs me and I have no confidence or trust in myself and only a good long time in the Word can convince me otherwise.
I do remember as a pre-teen, 8th grade I think, I was so embarrassed with my eyebrows I couldn’t stand it. I thought they were as big as caterpillars and I would not look anybody in the eye. How could I have anything important to say with eyebrows the size of most men’s mustaches.
Being embarrassed and not wanting to ask anyone, I thought I could trim them up myself. So I grabbed my Dad’s razor. I took a little off the bottom and proceeded to trim up the tops. The right side looked gorgeous!! Thin and nicely rounded at the arch. Well, all of this was taking place while I was in the bath tub. As I proceeded to trim up the top of the left caterpillar brow, my elbow slipped and the razor removed exactly half of the inner part of my eyebrow. There I was with a beautifully shaped right eyebrow and half of a caterpillar on the left. Still too embarrassed to go to my mom, I found her eyebrow pencil and tried to fill it in. That didn’t help much it was still very noticeable. Caterpillars have a lot of depth to them you know. So I parted my 1970’s straight, shag hair on the side and swooped it down over my eye making me look very mysterious. I thought to myself “This will work”. Until at school someone asked me why I was wearing my hair like that and my reply was “My Mom….she is MAKING me.” This of course did not do anything to build up my confidence. In fact it only cemented in mind how inept I was. But after what seemed like months, my caterpillar filled back in and stayed stuck to my face until my late teens, when a friend showed me the finer points of tweezers and plucking.
I wish I could say that now I don’t care what people think about how I look, but that would be untrue. Because I now my eyebrows are thinner, but the rest of me isn’t and that brings on another whole basket of insecurities.
Yes, insecurity has been a big issue throughout my life. Never thought I was good enough in anything I did. I feared my mom because of classes and grades. My sister, born 4 days before my first birthday, met those standards in my eyes. Also, in my eyes, my sister was the most liked and the pretty one of both of us. With people telling me to my face that she was so pretty and still do. To this day, 47 and 48 yrs old, everyone thinks she is the oldest. At my age now I think its great. I still struggle with insecurities and I see it in my daughter. I even told my husband before we got married that we would have to marry or I would have to move back home because my Mom kept asking me when I was moving back. I guess that would take care of telling her no. I had moved to go to college when I met him and home was 600 miles away. We got married. We do have a wonderful family together and I wouldn’t trade him.
I have a question..Is the feeling of insecurity a sin, or the action that comes out of it? It seems like the want or need to fit in, to belong, to be accepted is human. We all desire relationship and community. Is the “desire” itself wrong? Or (I think) how we go about it that can be distorted and lead to sinful actions? Is there a difference?
In high school I left for a Christmas vacation and when I came back, all my friends told me my boyfriend had cheated on me. I didn’t believe them and he lied, saying he didn’t do it so I desperately wanted to keep him, thinking he was the best I could do…long story short, after 7 YEARS- all through high school and college with this same alcoholic/addict/verbal abuser, I finally woke up and moved away from him and my old life-
I still have consequences from this insecurity and not trusting my Heavenly Father over him- my credit report has his credit cards charges that he ran up in my name and never paid…
After my husband left me and our marriage, I had every intention of walking in purity and integrity. I had two small children and wanted to be a role model to them and allow God to show his faithfulness through how He would take care of us. But the truth is, I was wounded far more than I had realized. When any “Christian” man showed me attention, I was putty in his hands. I compromised my values, and God’s best, by allowing myself to go farther physically than I ever imagined I’d allow myself to go. The shame was like a cloak I couldn’t take off no matter how hard I tried. That ugly insecurity that whispered “you weren’t enough for the man who married you when you were a young virgin, how could you ever be enough for anyone now–with stretch marks from pregnancies, a body used through nursing two babies, and two small children to raise?” It breaks my heart even today to think of how broken I was and I often wish I could go back to that young, recently divorced mother of two and tell her what our grace-filled God has shown me since then! Talk about foolish–the bottom line is that I’ve learned since then that my insecurity wasn’t merely an insecurity towards men. My insecurity was with God Himself–I couldn’t dare let myself believe back then that He really was crazy about little ole untalented, ordinary me. I am so thankful He never gave up on pursuing me with His grace, His healing, and His indescribably love. What a Redeemer!
Beth,
This is what I use to do, but sometimes it tries to rear its ugly head but I recognize it fast and nip it in the bud …SEEK OUT MANS APPROVAL!!
When God would call me to teach or speak at an event, when I first started out, after I was done speaking I would try to get someone to acknowledge that I did good. I would say, “okay can you tell me …how did I sound? Did I say this okay and that okay? Did I look okay†Not only that, I would ask two or three people . I went to great lengths to do that. UNTIL…ugh God showed me what he saw in this…pride! I was exalting myself in his presence. Brought me to my knees. I am so grateful the Lord took care of this at my beginning stages of teaching. He knows, and I say this over and over, I could never do the things he asks me in my own flesh. I am nothing without him. If you could see what a wreck I am when he calls me to give my testimony, or do a speaking/teaching event, on my face, begging him to do it all, because I am nothing without him. I give him the Glory for it all.
When I was in the 6th grade I moved from private, Christian school into the world of public education. I wanted soooo much to be accepted that I became a chronic liar. I look back on some of the ridiculous tall tales I told, (like that I was a world traveler and the niece of Ted Turner…I think my made up boyfriend was Jason Bateman…he was always too busy to write or visit, of course), THINKING the other kids believed me!! ay yi yi….so embarrassing! I just hope their memories aren’t as good as mine, and I’m glad that there are no reunions for middle schools! ha ha
when i was in 16 years old and in high school, i allowed my first ‘love’, (physically and emotionally) use me to the point where he would crawl up my front porch into my bedroom whenever he wanted and we would have sex. this happened AFTER we broke up. i thought it was the way to get him back. 🙁 one night, a knock came on the window. stupidly i was thrilled that he was there! oh my, oh my, oh my. he had sent his friend who thought he could get what i had was so freely giving away. i can barely speak of it to this today for the shame of it.
A fool indeed!! In more ways than I can name, I acted out sexually, still get tempted to go back to that behavoir. I tend to not be able to say no or stand up to what I really want, I know it goes back to childhood abuse from a sibling, i tried to stand up to him, but at 8 it’s easier to give in, and not every time I come up for that deep breath It seems easier just to drown, it’s always seems like giving in and doing whatever, sex drinking whatever would just be easier, YOU have to be a confindent woman to live a Godly life. I am always more insecure in a church setting because i can never live up to the standards and the fakeness. I dont think I will ever be good enough.
I think the most hurtful and embarassing times would be when I’ve “indirectly” or directly accused my husband of lusting after another more beautiful woman. And it not at all being true. Never even entering his mind. Just my own insecurities.
Insecurity ruled my life when I was in high school. I had always been a chuncky girl and in high school all the “in” people were skinny. Well, being the insecure person that I was I decided to go on a diet…..a Diet Coke diet. I would drink a diet coke every time I was hungry and I ate once every two days. Yup I lost weight and a lot. However, I ended up in the hospital. I collapsed at school one day and 911 was called. Needless to say my parents were livid. I was sixteen and very active in after school programs and I usually ate before I came home so they thought I was eating, just eating healthy and dieting. I was in BIG trouble. The dr. told me I was lucky that I had not destroyed my kidneys. That much diet coke was not good for a person. So, am I skinny today? Not in the least. I gained all my weight back and then some. But I am a happily married woman with two precious children. Huge life lesson learned. Be yourself, God made you that way. I thank God every day for taking care of me during that awful time in my life.
I let me insecurity lead me to believe I wasn’t good enough.
I dated someone for 3 years, a Christian man, who cheated on my 3 times during those three years. I kept going back on his appeals and a deep innate feeling that he was the best I could get. Finally I went crazy I flipped out, starting fearing every second that I would see him with another girl. I drove all night to another state to find him, return a gift he had given me and tell a girl he was hanging out with all about his crazy antics.
I have never felt so out of control and weak in my life. Some serious healing had to happen and is still happening as I discover my worth in Christ every day.
I dated a guy in college who was a Christian and whom I thought I would marry. Little did I know that he struggled with very pervasive jealousy and insecurity issues. It got to the point that I would walk with my eyes to the ground so he wouldn’t accuse me of “flirting”. Even though I had never been the type of girl that had to have a boyfriend, my confidence took such a blow with this guy that in some sick way, it felt easier to stay in it than take a faltering step into the Great Unknown. I became so insecure in who I was that I didn’t think I’d have another chance. (I’m now very happily married to a very different and wonderful Christian man.)
I was a shy, skinny, pimply faced insecure teen. I was unattractive and unpopular with boys. My girlfriends were much more knowledgable about boys and had boyfriends. At a sleepover they started laughing and teasing me that I was inexperienced and would never have a guy. So, even though I was deeply ashamed, I told them about the “experience” I had. That experience was really sexual abuse by my older male cousin but I made it sound as if I knew what was what. They looked at me in stunned silence and then one of them asked me if I made it up for attention. I felt even worse than before. I just wanted to be like I thought all the other girls were. I don’t know what was worse-that I told it to so they’d think I was cool or that they thought I made it up.
I would like to say that my heart just aches over all the posts involving sexual abuse. For the longest time I thought that no one would understand and felt that I was the “only one.” To anonymous that has never told anyone….be careful. Holding it in can destroy you. It almost did me. Telling someone was so freeing! That started my healing process. It was an older woman and someone that I had watched and interacted with for awile and was just a godly woman. We think we stuff it but it finds a way back up. Praise God for His healing and rescuing me from a pit that was so horrible. I am still working on things but feel so much lighter and free! Love you siesta!
Insecurity during middle school and high school either had me keeping people at arms length and hiding behind “shyness” to protect myself, or it caught me in deceit and pretense. I still remember one superbowl party – who knows why I attended since I know NOTHING about football. Anyway, I had grown up in Washington state, so I said the Washington Redskins were my favorite team, because I was a northwesterner at heart. A boy I had a crush on let me know that the Redskins were from DC. I tried to play it off like I knew exactly that – how silly to lie over something so insubstantial – but I didn’t want to admit my ignorance. I wanted to fit in. Now I look back on those years and wonder how much I missed out on – both on relationships with other people and the integrity and honesty of being truthful about who I am.
I am most insecure whenever I am with my husband and there are other attractive women around, (ones who are not my friends). I become someone I hate, insanely jealous and insecure. When this happens (rarely thankfully), I cannot seem to control my thoughts at all. I hate that I can be so insecure about myself.
insecurity has really played a number on my friend. She is very competitive with me and you cant tell her anything without her feeling attacked. When we first had a discussion about a wedge in our friendship. She told me I had not texted her back and that she was so hurt that i didnt like her anyomore!
i thought to myself… not like you cuz i couldnt respond to a text?? So i apologized and promised to be better at responding.
Then when I spoke to my accountability partner about the above misunderstandings. My accountability partner confessed that when she had a problem with insecurity that she often felt attacked and that it was hard for her as an insecure person to hear about successes of others.
Insecurity is something that I constantly am dealing with and trying to get out from under. One of the things I think that was most foolish – well I suppose it’s still foolish since I still do it – is I’m constantly trying to make myself invisible – even to myself. It’s so bad that I refuse to look in a mirror when I’m getting ready. Or really I don’t ever look in mirrors at all. I get up and put on clothes that will make me blend. I always do my hair in the car so I don’t have to look at the whole mirror, just the top while I pull it into a ponytail. I’ve spent my whole life living like this. It’s so dumb and yet I can’t get it to stick in my brain that I am God’s chosen daughter. I know that I am, and I tell myself that, but it just doesn’t stick. Oh how foolish I feel. I was not meant to blend. Insecurity is a beast.
Wow, reading some of these comments, I have felt so alone but I’m not. Beth, please do a bible study on this. I’m just thinking of the faith of the mustard seed. All these blogs are that mustard seed, crying out for growth. Oh God, let us grow in our security with You. Let us know that without a doubt we are loved and adored and special and you have made us glorious in your presence. You never see us as a fool. Let us believe that, in Your Name – Amen
Insecurity could be my middle name if I didn’t stay in constant prayer over it. I have “people pleaser” syndrom. I so want to be liked by everyone and I can’t express how tiring that is.
I could receive a thousand kuddos and then get one negative comment, and I immediatly second guess myself. Amazingly, God continues to draw me out of my comfort zone(which preferably would be in a card board box at times!) and be who He created me to be. What a freedom there is in only striving to please God, but oh so hard when the flesh seems to tear you in pieces.
I didn’t realize how vain I was until last summer when we took a family camp vacation out of state with several other families from our church.
I got a large mole burned off of my face the day before we left by a plastic surgeon. He assured me that I could take off the bandaid the next day and it would heal up just fine. The next day in the car I took off my bandage and I HAD A HOLE IN MY FACE. So ugly I knew it would scare my kids to look at it, and I was too mad to even show it to my husband.
So my insecurity bit me in the bottom several times over the next week. On any other vacation I wouldn’t know the people I was around, so I could care less about the idiotic band-aid on my face. Unfortunately, EVERYONE who saw me asked what was wrong with my face, or would just smile and look at it while I was talking. We even went river rafting and that dad-gum band-aid got wet and was a-flappin-away on my face. I was mortified. So vain. So insecure when I can look my usual pretty self. Yuck! I know the Lord had to have gotten a kick out of my humbling vacation.
In high school, my best friend told me every day that she loved me. I was a silly young girl that was too embarrassed to say that to anyone but my mama, so I always just shrugged it off. One day, she looked me in the eye and said, “You have a friend that loves you and tells you so. You need to get over whatever you’ve got going on about that, or it will hurt you over and over.” Ouch. I couldn’t believe I had let my insecurity almost cost me such a precious friendship.
I have battled insecurity all of my life. This example of how it made a fool of me is one that is etched in my memory. I was in the 8th grade, at a dance. I was asked to dance by this boy and we were slow dancing. His hands slowly moved lower until we were dancing w/ his hands on my backside. I never said anything. I just let him do it. I wanted to tell him to stop, that what he was doing to me was not ok, run away, something. But I did not. I don’t understand why – I have never been able to stand up for myself. Thinking back to that moment, I remember thinking in my head STOP IT!!!!!! but would not/could not/did not say or do anything.
Thank you Beth for all that you do. You truly do inspire me. You give me hope that I can overcome all of the strongholds in my life and live the life that God wants me to live.
My husband left several years ago. During the horrible ordeal insecurity controlled me. I would beg and plead that he just not hang up the phone, that he stay just a few more minutes. I would follow him to see where he was or watc somewhere outside his office and follow him. I had a baby and looking back I can’t believe I drug that baby everywhere trying to just find out where he was. I just needed to know. It was humiliating. Thank God that He restored our marriage and freed me from that insecurity. It was not an easy thing however, it took a very long time, years actually, to ever get out. Once in a while I feel it creep up, but my God is soooo faithful, He taught me that I need to just trust Him and let that stuff go. PRAISE HIM!!!
My insecurities are currently making me act like a fool. How I look physically plays a huge factor in that. Over the past few months I’ve shed pound after pound after pound to where I’m bone thin but STILL am not secure with the way I look. The thing is, I KNOW that I’m doing this because I’m unsecure and I know that my behavior is both unhealthy and foolish. However, for some odd reason, Satan has such a stronghold on me in this area that I refuse to change anything about what I’m doing to “feel more secure” even though I want so badly to. It doesn’t make sense. And that’s my thing…my insecurity has such a grip on me that what I know to be Truth and what I would “preach” as Truth, no longer relates to me in my mind. Insecurity has made me be irrational and I know it. Now THAT’S “acting a fool”.
I’ve done a lot of foolish things out of insecurity….some funny and some not so much.
Here is a “not so much” example…as a child I was sexually and verbally abused for several years. In college I was immature and very insecure, because of the devastation in my heart; especially in feeling like I had any worth. I began dating a guy in college that I knew in my gut was bad news, but boy, did he know how to pour on the attention and lavish me with gifts and praise that I never had before. I actually ignored the promptings of the Holy Spirit to run from that relationship and the group of “friends” that went along with it. At one point, I decided to break it off with him, which was more than my insecure, broken and damaged heart could handle, so foolishly agreed to meet him for “a friendly dinner” which led to me being talked into going to hang out with the gang “for old times sake.” Instead of staying strong in my conviction to listen to that voice telling me to run away from all of them, I caved and went with him. That foolish mistake ended with me being drugged and repeatedly raped and terrorized that night by all of them, then told to “get out of here.” My Jesus has done an amazing healing of that particular trauma in my life, although there are still areas that I struggle with, sometimes daily, in trusting anyone, even my husband, who knows my life story. Every time the enemy drags memories and pain back to the surface, I hold on to the fact that Jesus LOVES me, He knows what happened to me, He saw and He hurt over it. He wants to heal me, all of it and I am learning to trust Him that He wants to, He can and He will…He already has! I am not defeated and am not garbage..I am victorious and so deeply loved. What the enemy meant for defeat, I believe God will redeem for good; for His glory..amen.
I accepted the Lord at a very young age and I had a very loving family. I grew up in a Christ centered home and had wonderful supportive parents who loved the Lord as well. Psalm 139 was my life chapter and I knew I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I was a strong willed child from birth and to everyone else very independent. But… I was incredibly insecure! I was afraid of doing anything by myself and fooled everyone, teachers, family, husband, even parents. I cannot say why I was insecure or how I got that way. I would be so terrified to look stupid or like I was less than I should be.
Even for small things like asking for more ketchup at McDonalds. I would bribe my little brother who could barely talk to ask for more. He didn’t even like the stuff.
The funniest (now) most horrifying experience I had was just a few months after I was married. I was a young (20 yrs)bride and up until then I had tricked others into gladly helping me so I never did anything, even opening a bank account. I had managed to always get my new husband to go grocery shopping with me until one fateful day. He simply refused and said he didn’t see why I wanted him to tag along. He had no idea how terrified I was. After trying very hard to persuade him and not succeeding I went alone. I prayed in the car before I got out, and decided I would only get what we absolutely needed. One of those necessities was toilet paper. The display was at the front of the store stacked (poorly) to the ceiling. I could not reach a package that stood alone, and there was no way I had the courage to ask a clerk to assist me. So I calculated as best I could which package would cause the least amount of damage to the towering display. I choose poorly. There I was waist deep in toilet paper of all things with every check-out stand open and at least three customers at each. My worst nightmare happened affirming my fear and while I waited for very kind customers and clerks to set me free. It took everything I had to not cry. I left without anything and cried all the way home. When I told my husband he thought it very funny, I laughed with him so as not to reveal my secret and we went together to another store that evening because you can’t live without toilet paper.
Not until I was divorced seven years later and forced to face the world alone with only Jesus by my side did He begin to deliver me from my insecurities. I am finally free!
When my husband and I were first married, we were invited to a birthday party of some new friends that we had met. We were all newly married and all starting our new jobs as attorneys in different firms and places. I have always worried about how I dress and always want to look the best at the event. I was told by the host that it was casual – shorts, pants, etc. When we arrived everyone was dressed in dresses and men in slacks and nice shirts. I was horrified. It doesn’t sound that big of a deal, but to me it was huge. I was always identified with how I dressed. I really caused insecurities in me that I cannot describe. I caused me to be obsessed with beauty magazines and buying clothes and having the best of shoes. It consumed me. I still struggle with it (it was 10 years ago), but the Lord is really teaching me that the inside is what is important, not the outside.
My college sweetheart was so good to me…the perfect gentlemen. We remained faithful to God and to one another during those two years. One night he told me that he loved me. Wow…OK! What’s a person suppose to say in a passionate moment…Why? That’s what I wanted to say, but I said I love you too! It was the first time that someone told me they loved me. Are you kidding me,I didn’t know anything about love.Yes indeed, I handled it with such maturity. I told him I felt we were too young to be so serious. A fool! What I really wanted was for him to go after me(on the horse) and convince me of his love. How? I wasn’t sure. He didn’t! When you don’t hear those incrediable words…I love you…insecurities can be your constant companion. Many years later,God continues to work with me in this area and progress is being made!
Here is a silly insecurity. I just found my second scripture on the blog and see that I made a typo. Now everyone thinks that I don’t know how to spell “believed” and it is killing me!
Insecurity is definitely one of the enemy’s strongholds that we allow to take root in our minds. I think back to when my insecurity started and I only can remember it basically starting when I was 17. I had graduated and ended up having an ‘affair with a married man….because he paid attention to me, listened to me, talked to me. He was only 3 years older than me so of course I was infatuated. After his wife found out, I left the area.
Because of this, I let insecurity have such a stronghold on my life that it has affected every relationship with any man in my life. In the recent few years, I even have stayed away from some really close friends because I was ‘insecure’ about them thinking I would have an affair with their husbands, even though they had no clue about my past. I didn’t want an affair with any of them but it was always there. I am only 35 but I know that because I allowed insecurity to play such a large role in my life, that I haven’t been open to obeying God when it comes to relationships.
I do know this that in the last year by the Grace and Mercy of our Beloved Heavenly Father, my relationship with HIM has grown tremendously and my focus is HIM. WIth that, has come so many blessings. I praise Him more, I tell HIm I love HIm more, I tell others I love Him more, and I am open to listen and obey when HE wants me to do something for HIs will.
And even though it may sound silly, God has blessed me with more insight and less insecurity in the last few weeks. I can only say THank you Father for opening my eyes so I can see, be more like HIM and less like me. The reason I say this is that for the first time in I’m not sure how long, I talked to a guy and it was very natural and peaceful without any insecurities. The enemy did (and still is) trying to throw doubt in my mind so I won’t think he will call me…but I know God has something in the works and whether he does call or not, God is in control and that is all that matters. If he doesn’t call, I will have opened my eyes to being less insecure and more aware of the fantastic feelings that just the small gestures of a smile, a wave, a touch etc that can happen when my focus is on GOD and obeying HIM. It also helped me realize that if I can feel this giddy and excited over somthing so small, I can only imagine what our Heavenly Father feels when we actually talk to Him, PRaise HIm, Worship HIm, spend time with HIm, share Him with others and LOVE HIM. May you get more insight on insecurities from all the posts that these wonderful ladies have posted. And May these ladies that are reading this blog continue to keep their focus on our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I love you and am so thankful for your Ministry and sharing your love for HIm with us. I have enjoyed your Bible studies in the past and can’t wait to start one with my church ladies next month. God bless my Seista.
I am 37 and still battle this just like I did in high school. When my group of friends gets together and I hear that I wasn’t invited, I start to feel very overcome with insecurity and jealousy. We are in our 30’s and 40’s!! You would think that I could be rational about being left out, but I can’t stand it! I start thinking things like, I am no fun to be around, they must be talking about me, I am going to be left out for good, etc.
An additional comment on the insecurities of being unloved(just sent). Love has such incredible power. If one does not have it…they feel powerless or insecure over the one who does!They have something we want!Love!
Insecurity has wasted many months of my life. All because I was not trusting in God! My son was molested by my ex husband and I became consumed with insecurity about our future – what would happen to my son, what would happen to his dad, would we be attacked, followed – you name it, I was worried about it. I thought our lives were over. We are still going through it. Yet God in his graciousness has shown me that I am SECURE in Him! He has released me from the bondage of sin that held me captive and not believing that God is for me, and in particularly that God is for my son. He holds us in His sovereign hands. I still don’t know what the future holds, but I have been released from living an insecure life, scared of my own shadow. All praise and glory to God!
Oh, boy! Is this the blog for me and for such a time as this!
I homeschooled our only son for eight grueling yet wonderful years. He is in his 2nd semester in college and doing beautifully (I’m talking Presiden’t List.)
Last night he made an aggravated remark in response to something “parenty” I said. My emotions erupted as the insecurities rolled off my tongue uncontrollably and incoherently.
“You’ve just shut me out of your life. Everything I say sounds dumb to you. I just want to know what’s so wrong with being a mother who cares and is doing the best she can?”
I think you get the picture. Coming from a broken home with painful mistakes and memories, I’m so afraid of messing this one thing up. So, I cried on my computer keys today as I sent a note via facebook (smile) stating I was letting him go and placing him in God’s hands. I laid my Isaac down and my insecurities.
The funny part is when he came home today and got on facebook, he came in here and said,”Mom, I don’t know why you’re so upset. I have bigger things to worry about than something like that. I’ve moved on.”
The insecurities flooded back as I realized there’s a very good chance that I may be insane.
When I was growing up my family didn’t have a lot of money – we didn’t even have indoor plumbing until I was in junior high school. The girls I wanted to be friends with always looked slightly down their nose at me because I never had the “in” things they had – clothes, shoes, purses, notebooks, Barbies…you name it, I only had imitation rather than the real thing. When I started working and earning my own money, I became obsessed with owning just the right items so I would not be looked at as being on the outside any longer. This insecurity haunts me to this day. “I must own this purse because then others will see me with it and will know I am one of the accepted.” My so-called deficiencies vanish with the right possessions. My possessions become my identifier rather than letting my God-given persona be the identifier as God’s beloved daughter. I fight this almost on a daily basis.
To ask most anyone, including my husband, mom, best friend I am the most self confident, self assured pillar of self esteem. I have always been popular, outspoken, funny, smart, never struggled to make friends, I was the president of my law school class for pete’s sake (apparently I am extremely humble too!) I would never say these things out loud, but I want to paint an accurate picture of what I look like to people looking in from the outside.
Looking out from the inside I may be the most insecure person I have ever known. I could go on for days about how it has burdened my life, but one glaring example continually haunts me 25 years later. As a 3rd grader I was trying to be cool, funny, I think now-a-days they call it being a “mean girl.” I saw a girl who lived down the street from me playing during recess. I knew that she had been held back to repeat the 2nd grade. I also knew she didn’t have a lot of friends. I felt so insecure about my self, my social stature, my physical appearance, everything. In front of the entire playground I yelled out, “Hey XXXXX!!! How does it feel to be a second grader again???” Needless to say, she was humiliated, and brought to tears. The interesting part is after I said it and everyone was laughing and reacting to my “slam” I felt as if I was going to cry too.
It has been over 25 years since this happened, and I think back to that day and the decisions I made often. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
Beth, I love “Carol at 50 years old” – got her GED and walked across the stage at graduation in cap and gown!
You Go Girl!!
Turned that insecurity into a blessed God gift….I’m so proud of you!!!
I know instantly when I am insecure, I sweat profusely. Since I have this deep seated need to prove myself I over committ, fall behind and then all of a sudden I am in so far over my head I panic. Since Iwork in a very pulbic profession, most often I open my mouth use my speaking skills and end up leading when I really have no clue. You can tell I am dying inside when I am sweating in the middle of a Canadian winter.
The funny thing is that I have to shop constantly and carefully for shirts that won’t show sweat stains. I had explained to one of my daughters that when Mommny gets nervous she sweats. One day we were out shopping and I tried on a button front blouse for work (I am very curvy former model) plus I was nursing at the time so upfront had substantial realestate to cover, if you know what I mean. With my daughter in the dressing room with me, my insecurity was on full display as I tried to explain why Mommy was looking for the perfect shirt to go under my ‘Big Presentation Suit.’ The first one I tried on didn’t do up past my bellybutton, my daughter seeing my difficulty simply said, “Don’t worry Mom, no one will notice if you sweat.”